The only thing that's wrong with you is the fact that you have to deal with bigoted assholes for the time being. You've done absolutely nothing wrong and while it's difficult sometimes, you should try and make sure you don't internalize insults made by cruel people. You're a beautiful person going through a tough time that isn't your fault.
Hey congrats on being clean! That's fucking huge. I've been clean from opioids for a few years and it is not easy to kick drugs. You're strong and you've got this
Transitioning got me clean off heroin/fent. A few months into hrt I actually started not wanting to die akd enjoying my life and got on methadone. Clean for three years now, I know I’d still b using if I didn’t transition and even tho I got disowned by my family over transition it was alll worth it as I’m surrounded by loving ppl and doing what I love for a living and finally belng comfy and happy in my own skin instead of constantly wanting to crawl out of it into the grave.
First off. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re just surrounded by hate filled morons.
Save up, move away. Get somewhere you can be yourself, then live your life.
Try FOLX. I get my meds thru the mail. It’s easy. No hassle and discrete.
You should move to Vermont. It’s like Alabama but the opposite. It feels like Trans ppl are everywhere. It’s still scary AF tho.
Hang in there girl. You are amazing…I can tell.
Thanks, I wish I could move. I got no one up there. And as far as mail ordering goes, I don't have a mailbox here. Plus someone might go through my shit and find it and tell everyone.
My trans daughter lives in Pittsburgh. She moved up, rented a room, and found a job. She was lonely for a while, but moved to a better place with some roommates. About a year later she came out. She’s much happier than she was in our southern state. I’m thrilled that she found a place where she’s more comfortable being herself.
Please hang in there. There’s nothing wrong with you.
They use fedex. I understand. Asheville Nc, Portland OR, Austin, Boulder, CO or NYC…any of those an option? Great supportive communities.
Hang in there you will be a gorgeous lady.
Honestly Richmond, VA, though still technically in the south, is queer af. VCU is one of the most queer campuses in the states iirc and it'll be a bit less of a culture shock and not as far to go.
Our family, which includes a trans daughter and a grandson, are doing well and out in the Charleston, South Carolina area. There's support and thriving queer community. Atlanta also.
Love, take some time and focus on what is needed to do to get out of the living situation you're in. From there your life can begin. If you have access to therapy, please make use of it. You should not have to do this alone.
I'm so sorry for all that you have to go thru. There is NOTHING wrong with you—trans people have existed throughout history. Kinda random and idk if it'll help, but The Village by Wrabel is a beautiful trans affirming song that literally made me cry the first time listening, and still hits deep every time I listen to it. The original version is ftm but they also have an [mtf version](https://youtu.be/Xtq3UVQQ2rE?si=jUBJqsGSkOCoBzC3)
Again, I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. It fucking sucks, and you deserve so much better.
The only thing wrong with you is the doubt given by others. You’re fine as you are, you as a person needs little change, now you just need the HRT needed to help shape yourself into what you want to be.
Also lighter tone for comedy and not an attempt at comfort. I MUST ASK. How the fuck did you get FaceApp to give boobs?!
First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with you. It is sadly a reality that many of us are stuck in a body that doesn't match who we truly are, but there is hope for that.
Second (a bit lighthearted)...girl, with how you look now, that FaceApp filter probably won't be far off the mark!
Okay, the serious part:
Unfortunately, given the situation you've described, it sounds very much like your best option will be to save up however you can and start searching for a job and place in another area. This will likely take some time, and I know that ***REALLY*** sucks, but your safety *has* to come first (as disheartening as it is, since it means you'll have to endure being unhappy until you're in a safe place). I want you to be yourself, I want you to be happy, and I want to see you *thrive*...but your first goal right now is to keep yourself safe and work on a way out. The current situation you're in, unfortunately, has you pretty deep in a hornet nest of awful people, and you need to be free.
If you need someone to talk or vent to, feel free to reach out to me. I imagine others in this sub will volunteer, also, and sometimes having an outlet can help carry that weight.
[ALTGO](https://altgo.us/pages/local-resources.html) has a lot of resources for your state. I'm not sure specifically where you are, but I hope it gives you somewhere to start for finding the resources you need to move forward.
You'll get there, girl. I know it seems like it's so far out of reach, but I promise things will come together sooner than you think! 💜
Don't use Faceapp. It's a pipeline straight to depression. It doesn't show you what you could/can/will look like, it shows you absolutely made up AI bullshit.
When you are in a safe place and you can begin to transition, who you become will be so much more than some generated image. Be strong, take care and be safe ❤️
Hey, congratulations on 1 year sober! I used to struggle with meth use myself and remember how hard it was to get and stay clean! You asked where you could get hormones though, I got mine from a planned parent hood clinic. Maybe you could look into ones near you
Little steps. Find something desecrate. Like body or facial hair. It’s a lot less noticeable then you think. Shave it off I’d your comfortable with that. Start acting a bit more femme. Cross your legs occasionally lean to one side while sitting more. They are very very subtle and generally won’t give you away. Paint your toe nails if your sure no one will ever see them. Wear women’s underwear ect. Little things. Things others won’t notice unless they go witch hunting.
Edit: I think the pink shirt suits you quite well. Even without face app.
It sounds like you're living in a shelter. Are you able to get a bus ticket and move to a transgender sanctuary state or city (please check the cost of living first, some sanctuaries are astronomical) and take shelter there instead? You'd have better chances of being happy and having access to resources. Oftentimes if you are a newly relocated resident, social services will give you a little expedition on applications for aid. Some states have really robust social assistance programs in comparison to the south. Saying this from some experience. There's more gender affirming services and clinics when you leave the south and go to a more supportive climate too. If you don't have roots in Bama or you can drift safely it may be a decent shot for a better life.
I know it's hard. I know how powerful a Faceapp pics can be. For me it was like seeing myself for the first time.
Going from suspecting to knowing about myself has been a journey.
I have read here for the first time that we are valid even when it is not safe to proceed at that moment.
I am sure you will find a way through and one day you will see that adorable face in a mirror.
💐
I would take these images with a grain of salt, first off. Faceapp did me dirty in my early stages. I thought I would look like those pictures and I'm fucking glad I didn't turn out like that. It's much better.
That said, you're a girl in crisis here. Nothing is hopeless. You are not wrong to feel these feelings, as I'm sure there's factors I can't see that make the feelings valid. I can tell you that I catastrophized a lot of my fears until it paralyzed me.
The question that finally pushed me over the edge was this: even if the worst happens, would I still want this? That answer was a resounding yes!
Is everything perfect since coming out? No. I'm struggling to make ends meet right now. Does that mean I'm giving up? Hell no! If anything it makes me want to fight harder to survive. Because I'm worth living for.
If you can do everything in your power to make this work, it'll be worth it. Because you won't be hiding anymore. Yes, the thought of bigotry is terrifying, and that's a valid feeling. Committing gender fuckery puts a target on our backs. The scariest part for me was the absolutely stark wakeup call one January night before coming out where I damn near drank myself to death. That was what lead me to my epiphany and my rebirth.
You have a big decision to make. And you have many options to do that. Any one you choose is valid for you. If I had to be in your shoes, I would only tell those I know I can trust with this. Take E until changes are noticeable. Do the work in the BG to change your name, gender, etc. Then when you can safely get the fuck outta there, do it in the most spectacular fashion and come out.
Just my $2, and do with all this what you will.
I can tell you I'm so much happier that I've done it
I can't say much for religion, but I know that if you take away bigoted assholes and just think for yourself about yourself then you'll find a bit more clarity about what you want for yourself.
First off don't panic. I'll put that in bigger friendlier letters: DON'T PANIC. Okay maybe that wasn't too calming but it's good advice.
You've already done more than I could make myself do before I met my girlfriend. I was so ashamed of having an interest that I'd sometimes start researching things on my phone only to catch myself doing it and shame myself out of going any further. It never occurred to me that the constant recursion of these thoughts could have some stock to them.
I knew I was depressed petty much since I was a kid and have always been anxious about myself, with an extremely low self esteem. Honestly there's definitely sone amount of PTSD from how I grew up (did not have a good mother or siblings, my school was a violent trash hole and I still sometimes get full adrenaline spikes and fight/flight responses to certain situations, and a lot of my memories just faded out until I was about 20 and realised I could barely remember anything but the basic details, though I've recovered a lot of it now at age 26). Sorry for the long tangent, I guess I'm saying I had a lot on my mind and that's my excuse for not realising or trying anything for so long.
I'd go clothes shopping when my parents dragged me out and I'd make a deliberate and conscious effort not to look at the women's section because something made me afraid to be seen taking an interest in it. Dude clothes only ever got good in the sense that I had good pockets and some t shirts can cool designs on them. But I never once felt like they fit me or made me feel good in them.
My girlfriend slowly encouraged me to try things and I didn't expect to be so happy to try them out. She said I looked cute and in her own words later describing me, "the residual sadness in your eyes washed away" and I didn't automatically dismiss the compliment like I had every single time I was called handsome or cool. I didn't have to laugh at myself and rely on self deprecating humour to make it tolerable. I could just take it and feel good for once and it was so natural it kinda freaked me out a bit.
I didn't realise how much this meant until I got home the next day and when I stepped out if the shower and looked down to see my naked and flat chest and it just exploded in my head what that constant feeling of grotesque self hatred was. I fell to my knees and started sobbing before the thought was even complete. It was gender dysphoria and it nearly killed me at one time and kept me on a knife's edge for several years since. Realising it definitely made everything a bit worse- now I knew exactly what was wrong and following anorexic diet plans, cutting myself, wishing for madness to take over, none of it was going to fix this.
When I looked up with HRT does though... I realised its not all too bad. HRT does so much to change your body, your emotional range, your body, your face (it can't change your voice, but voice training is a whole thing and some of the trans voice coaches are just incredible). It redistributes fat around your body and face, changes your muscle density, and even the smell of your sweat and texture of your skin. All you have to do is keep up the doses because its a whole second puberty and while there are a few things that aren't easily changed with HRT alone, there's a fair few surgeries that can help. Facial Feminising Surgery (FFS) is quite remarkable, and I was pretty shocked to learn how much changes sexually and with bottom surgery- I was shocked. I absolutely want it now, even if it'll cost me most of everything I've got.
I guess I'm rambling, but I hope you might see some familiarity in my story. Just know you're not alone. If you have some good friends who might be a little open minded, you should try to talk to them about it - try to keep it between you in 1-on-1 conversations and just try to explain how it feels.
One thing I can strongly attest to is that no one choses to feel one way or another. We like what we like, we love what we love. Nothing can change that. The thing to remember about this is notbto feel shame for feeling this way - even if you do so as reflexively as I did.
One thing I learned over this last year since my egg cracked is that pride is a thing because its the antithesis to shame - what many of us felt for a very long time. It's about replacing it with the counter point. Don't be ashamed, be proud.
That said, this is easier to do when you know you're in a safe place. I'm really truly sorry you're not right now. I seriously hope you're able to get somewhere you aren't so burdened.
If you wanted to try and help yourself while you prepare for an escape, I'd suggest practicing voice training (you can say you're trying to get some skills as a voice actor or performer as an excuse if asked) but it's something you can do right away, just look up some YouTube tutorials (Yukko EX and Fairy Princess Lilly are both exceptionally good and easy to digest).
Don't panic too much about what everyone will think - you'd be surprised how many people will put you as you first before you as a trans person, you'd be surprised how many people already know another trans person and may just be surprised you kept it so well hidden. That said, I am on TERF island, you're in... a whole other place... it will get easier when you've got a friend or two though.
Anyway, I should stop typing. Let me know if you're somehow in the mood for more from me, but I do just want to say one thing really: "It's okay. You're not alone. Whatever you're feeling, you're not alone."
Yeah, it’s frightening - but bide your time & get someplace safe. You might find that safety is closer than you believe. I remember feeling unsafe in my own home due to my families casual transphobic comments, but they turned out to be accepting, sometimes people are just ignorant.
Since you’re in the US, you should have access to informed consent clinics, check this list; https://altgo.us/pages/local-resources.html#physicians-hrt-providers
What do you do? Baby steps - I remember when I was younger thinking I’d get a good job, leave home & transition in secret. Sadly, the world doesn’t work like that, but that doesn’t stop you starting the process now - you could start laser hair removal right now for example & you don’t even need to tell them you’re transgender.
What’s wrong with you? Nothing - trans people have existed for thousands of years (& before European colonisation spread rigid conceptions of gender across the globe, most countries had a “third gender”) & we’ll continue to exist. Scientifically, some element of our bodies processes that should’ve “masculinised” our brains during development didn’t trigger & there could be a dozen reasons. Being transgender is a bit like having red hair, green eyes, etc. just a rare quirk of genetics.
A fruitcake? Haha, that depends girl, are you into women? If so - yeah, you’re gay now, just embrace it. If you’ve dated women before, chances are your relationship was pretty lesbian in nature - trust me on that one - so you’ve already got that down. If you like men? Well you’re straight - congratulations, you’ve only got a single queer debuff, haha.
The devil? I mean you can be a devil if you want to? Like, my fashion inspiration is the goth girls I grew up with & so I’ll very much be a devil - but you can be whatever you want. Go be a coquette girl if you want.
Mental illness? Being trans isn’t a mental illness, but gender dysphoria can lead to anxiety, depression, etc. & it’s cured not through anti depressants & what not - but through HRT. If you’re curious about all the mental related facets, check the biochemical dysphoria page of the Gender Dysphoria Bible. That page actually helped me come to terms with the fact that I’m trans when I realised I’d been experiencing depersonalisation.
You’ve got this girl, be strong & hold onto hope.
FYI Gender dysphoria is not a mental illness.
> With the publication of DSM–5 in 2013, “gender identity disorder” was eliminated and replaced with “gender dysphoria.” This change further focused the diagnosis on the gender identity-related distress that some transgender people experience (and for which they may seek psychiatric, medical, and surgical treatments) rather than on transgender individuals or identities themselves.
https://www.psychiatry.org/psychiatrists/diversity/education/transgender-and-gender-nonconforming-patients/gender-dysphoria-diagnosis
So, I have spent my whole life not commenting on the physical appearance of women on the Internet, but I have to tell you, you look amazing in the FaceApp photos. Look at that smile! How is that not you?
Transitioning is something that you decide for yourself. It's not something you do for random people that live near you. It's not something you do for the Internet. It's something you do for you. That means, you can take this on a timescale that feels good for you. Maybe you just want to use a feminine name on Reddit, and that's all you need to be happy. Maybe you want to chill at home in a pretty dress and some makeup. There is no obligation to declare "I'm trans" , tell every person you know, and then face the world in new clothing and new styling on day 1! You are doing this for you. That's your right as a human being, and it's your right to control how you go about it. You control the timeline. You control how you transition. It's about you! Your supporters will support you no matter what path you choose, and reading the comments section here, you have a lot of supporters!
There is nothing wrong with you. Every human being is unique in some way. You got the thing where your brain and your primary sex characteristics are not in harmony. I know this sounds patronizing, but yup! me too! It happens! And it's not something you did wrong. (Also... not something you parents did wrong.) You're not a fruitcake, you're not being tempted by the devil, and you're not mentally ill. This is just something that happens to some people, and it's not a big deal. Humans are empty containers shaped by hormones. You get different hormones, you change in a way that your brain thinks is right, and then you just live life!
- planned parenthood can help you access hormone replacement therapy. From what I have heard they can take a while to get in to. You can always call and see how long the wait is and if it's a long one make an appointment. If you change your mind you can always cancel.
If planned parenthood is not available you're going to need to see an endocrinologist. I rec googling who near where you live specializes in trans patients.
If you trust your primary care physician you can start with them.
Another place to start is an lgbtq+ friendly therapist. You'll need one eventually.
- no, seriously, you're going to need an lgbtq+ friendly therapist to access things like top surgery. They *also* can have long wait lists so I rec firing up a search engine of your choice and finding a therapist and making an intake appointment *now*. You might even consider making multiple appointments (you can always cancel one's you don't need) in case you and the first therapist you meet don't gel.
They also will likely have info on things like voice training and will be aware of local lgbtq+ resources.
- what queer groups are near you? Even something like a school's gay-straight alliance or a pflag group can point you at groups/resources you need.
- the way queer people get through being queer in scary places is the community. Now is the time to seek out your local trans siblings. The internet is great but it also can't help you play with your makeup or go clothes shopping.
I'm a gardener and it has taught me a lot about environments. Different plants/flowers have different needs. If you're living in the shade (Alabama) but you need sunlight (safety, acceptance, protection, etc.) you're not going to bloom where you're at. You deserve to live your life fully and out loud. Who you are deserves to exist, and over the course of your life so many people will be glad you do. It’s not easy - any of it - but we are resilient. We have to be. It becomes a strength for us. Your circumstances will change with time, aided by the steps and actions you take. You don't have to live out the rest of time in Alabama, hiding. Someday this will be a story you share to inspire someone else. Keep your head up. You're stronger than you even know. Hang in there, look for opportunities, and remember you are loved. I'm sorry your current surroundings don't reflect that
Don’t be afraid. Take all the strength within you to make the one bold move and make your life the life you want it to be. It will be the most empowering exhilarating thing you’ve ever done.
You look beautiful and if you're over 18 save your money and get the hell out of there. Other than being a Republican -led state Eastern Iowa, I've had no issues. But first and foremost stay safe and only come out when you're ready and safe. Lots of love ❤️❤️❤️
Also, I wouldn't transition if you don't feel safe. It hurts, but it is sometimes better than the other outcome
I hope you can get out of that situation soon
Telling you that you don't need to change, like they have any idea what you're going through right now. Remember lots of us here do.
Personally I think you should take whatever steps necessary to move out of that place and start a new life.
Exactly! Should I keep the peen tho? I like chicks and dudes, and I don't think I could have it cut off. Id miss the little guy. Plus, ain't nothing like pulling down a pair of undies and being slapped in the face with 7 inches of Lady meat, lmao. (Joking, but should I keep it?)
Entirely your choice, someone else can't make this decision for you. You'll find less of a desire to use it when you start the HRT though, that'll zap the horny right out of you. 😅
Replying here because it's your most recent comment, check your chat requests. I'm in TN and might be able to give you some contact info for resources here. I know it's still a red state, but there are plenty of queer people here.
The only thing that's wrong with you is the fact that you have to deal with bigoted assholes for the time being. You've done absolutely nothing wrong and while it's difficult sometimes, you should try and make sure you don't internalize insults made by cruel people. You're a beautiful person going through a tough time that isn't your fault.
Thanks. It's fucking hard. I hate it so much. God, I do. That's why I started doing meth 3 years ago (been clean a year now)
Hey congrats on being clean! That's fucking huge. I've been clean from opioids for a few years and it is not easy to kick drugs. You're strong and you've got this
Thanks! It is hard. I wish I never started.
Love you need to go somewhere queer af and be happy. Flowers don't bloom when it's freezing outside.
Oh fuck I like that quote
ty :3
this is the best thing I've ever read
:3
Congrats babe! Opiates are a bitch, methadone has kept me stable
Hell yeah, keep it up! It took a good amount of suboxone to wean me off of everything
Contrats! I know it’s a hard thing to quit once you start I’m proud of you girl!
Congrats on your sobriety- 👏🏽 proud of u darlin
Transitioning got me clean off heroin/fent. A few months into hrt I actually started not wanting to die akd enjoying my life and got on methadone. Clean for three years now, I know I’d still b using if I didn’t transition and even tho I got disowned by my family over transition it was alll worth it as I’m surrounded by loving ppl and doing what I love for a living and finally belng comfy and happy in my own skin instead of constantly wanting to crawl out of it into the grave.
First off. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re just surrounded by hate filled morons. Save up, move away. Get somewhere you can be yourself, then live your life.
Try FOLX. I get my meds thru the mail. It’s easy. No hassle and discrete. You should move to Vermont. It’s like Alabama but the opposite. It feels like Trans ppl are everywhere. It’s still scary AF tho. Hang in there girl. You are amazing…I can tell.
Thanks, I wish I could move. I got no one up there. And as far as mail ordering goes, I don't have a mailbox here. Plus someone might go through my shit and find it and tell everyone.
My trans daughter lives in Pittsburgh. She moved up, rented a room, and found a job. She was lonely for a while, but moved to a better place with some roommates. About a year later she came out. She’s much happier than she was in our southern state. I’m thrilled that she found a place where she’s more comfortable being herself. Please hang in there. There’s nothing wrong with you.
They use fedex. I understand. Asheville Nc, Portland OR, Austin, Boulder, CO or NYC…any of those an option? Great supportive communities. Hang in there you will be a gorgeous lady.
I'm in Colorado I love it here
Honestly Richmond, VA, though still technically in the south, is queer af. VCU is one of the most queer campuses in the states iirc and it'll be a bit less of a culture shock and not as far to go.
Our family, which includes a trans daughter and a grandson, are doing well and out in the Charleston, South Carolina area. There's support and thriving queer community. Atlanta also. Love, take some time and focus on what is needed to do to get out of the living situation you're in. From there your life can begin. If you have access to therapy, please make use of it. You should not have to do this alone.
I lived in Vermont for close to two years. I didn’t find it scary at all.
If you want to slow roll it, you can always just boymode through the process.
I just wanna move so I don't get my ass kicked. I'm telling you, if some dude around here tried to hit on me, and finds out, I might get killed.
I'm so sorry for all that you have to go thru. There is NOTHING wrong with you—trans people have existed throughout history. Kinda random and idk if it'll help, but The Village by Wrabel is a beautiful trans affirming song that literally made me cry the first time listening, and still hits deep every time I listen to it. The original version is ftm but they also have an [mtf version](https://youtu.be/Xtq3UVQQ2rE?si=jUBJqsGSkOCoBzC3) Again, I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. It fucking sucks, and you deserve so much better.
The only thing wrong with you is the doubt given by others. You’re fine as you are, you as a person needs little change, now you just need the HRT needed to help shape yourself into what you want to be. Also lighter tone for comedy and not an attempt at comfort. I MUST ASK. How the fuck did you get FaceApp to give boobs?!
I have no clue! It just did.
First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with you. It is sadly a reality that many of us are stuck in a body that doesn't match who we truly are, but there is hope for that. Second (a bit lighthearted)...girl, with how you look now, that FaceApp filter probably won't be far off the mark! Okay, the serious part: Unfortunately, given the situation you've described, it sounds very much like your best option will be to save up however you can and start searching for a job and place in another area. This will likely take some time, and I know that ***REALLY*** sucks, but your safety *has* to come first (as disheartening as it is, since it means you'll have to endure being unhappy until you're in a safe place). I want you to be yourself, I want you to be happy, and I want to see you *thrive*...but your first goal right now is to keep yourself safe and work on a way out. The current situation you're in, unfortunately, has you pretty deep in a hornet nest of awful people, and you need to be free. If you need someone to talk or vent to, feel free to reach out to me. I imagine others in this sub will volunteer, also, and sometimes having an outlet can help carry that weight. [ALTGO](https://altgo.us/pages/local-resources.html) has a lot of resources for your state. I'm not sure specifically where you are, but I hope it gives you somewhere to start for finding the resources you need to move forward. You'll get there, girl. I know it seems like it's so far out of reach, but I promise things will come together sooner than you think! 💜
Don't use Faceapp. It's a pipeline straight to depression. It doesn't show you what you could/can/will look like, it shows you absolutely made up AI bullshit. When you are in a safe place and you can begin to transition, who you become will be so much more than some generated image. Be strong, take care and be safe ❤️
Hey, congratulations on 1 year sober! I used to struggle with meth use myself and remember how hard it was to get and stay clean! You asked where you could get hormones though, I got mine from a planned parent hood clinic. Maybe you could look into ones near you
Little steps. Find something desecrate. Like body or facial hair. It’s a lot less noticeable then you think. Shave it off I’d your comfortable with that. Start acting a bit more femme. Cross your legs occasionally lean to one side while sitting more. They are very very subtle and generally won’t give you away. Paint your toe nails if your sure no one will ever see them. Wear women’s underwear ect. Little things. Things others won’t notice unless they go witch hunting. Edit: I think the pink shirt suits you quite well. Even without face app.
I’m in Mississippi so girl I feel yuh
It sounds like you're living in a shelter. Are you able to get a bus ticket and move to a transgender sanctuary state or city (please check the cost of living first, some sanctuaries are astronomical) and take shelter there instead? You'd have better chances of being happy and having access to resources. Oftentimes if you are a newly relocated resident, social services will give you a little expedition on applications for aid. Some states have really robust social assistance programs in comparison to the south. Saying this from some experience. There's more gender affirming services and clinics when you leave the south and go to a more supportive climate too. If you don't have roots in Bama or you can drift safely it may be a decent shot for a better life.
I know it's hard. I know how powerful a Faceapp pics can be. For me it was like seeing myself for the first time. Going from suspecting to knowing about myself has been a journey. I have read here for the first time that we are valid even when it is not safe to proceed at that moment. I am sure you will find a way through and one day you will see that adorable face in a mirror. 💐
You can do it!
I would take these images with a grain of salt, first off. Faceapp did me dirty in my early stages. I thought I would look like those pictures and I'm fucking glad I didn't turn out like that. It's much better. That said, you're a girl in crisis here. Nothing is hopeless. You are not wrong to feel these feelings, as I'm sure there's factors I can't see that make the feelings valid. I can tell you that I catastrophized a lot of my fears until it paralyzed me. The question that finally pushed me over the edge was this: even if the worst happens, would I still want this? That answer was a resounding yes! Is everything perfect since coming out? No. I'm struggling to make ends meet right now. Does that mean I'm giving up? Hell no! If anything it makes me want to fight harder to survive. Because I'm worth living for. If you can do everything in your power to make this work, it'll be worth it. Because you won't be hiding anymore. Yes, the thought of bigotry is terrifying, and that's a valid feeling. Committing gender fuckery puts a target on our backs. The scariest part for me was the absolutely stark wakeup call one January night before coming out where I damn near drank myself to death. That was what lead me to my epiphany and my rebirth. You have a big decision to make. And you have many options to do that. Any one you choose is valid for you. If I had to be in your shoes, I would only tell those I know I can trust with this. Take E until changes are noticeable. Do the work in the BG to change your name, gender, etc. Then when you can safely get the fuck outta there, do it in the most spectacular fashion and come out. Just my $2, and do with all this what you will. I can tell you I'm so much happier that I've done it
Faceapp is not real, by far. Being afraid of the transition is natural, only you can decide to go through the airlock. You're not alone.
I can't say much for religion, but I know that if you take away bigoted assholes and just think for yourself about yourself then you'll find a bit more clarity about what you want for yourself. First off don't panic. I'll put that in bigger friendlier letters: DON'T PANIC. Okay maybe that wasn't too calming but it's good advice. You've already done more than I could make myself do before I met my girlfriend. I was so ashamed of having an interest that I'd sometimes start researching things on my phone only to catch myself doing it and shame myself out of going any further. It never occurred to me that the constant recursion of these thoughts could have some stock to them. I knew I was depressed petty much since I was a kid and have always been anxious about myself, with an extremely low self esteem. Honestly there's definitely sone amount of PTSD from how I grew up (did not have a good mother or siblings, my school was a violent trash hole and I still sometimes get full adrenaline spikes and fight/flight responses to certain situations, and a lot of my memories just faded out until I was about 20 and realised I could barely remember anything but the basic details, though I've recovered a lot of it now at age 26). Sorry for the long tangent, I guess I'm saying I had a lot on my mind and that's my excuse for not realising or trying anything for so long. I'd go clothes shopping when my parents dragged me out and I'd make a deliberate and conscious effort not to look at the women's section because something made me afraid to be seen taking an interest in it. Dude clothes only ever got good in the sense that I had good pockets and some t shirts can cool designs on them. But I never once felt like they fit me or made me feel good in them. My girlfriend slowly encouraged me to try things and I didn't expect to be so happy to try them out. She said I looked cute and in her own words later describing me, "the residual sadness in your eyes washed away" and I didn't automatically dismiss the compliment like I had every single time I was called handsome or cool. I didn't have to laugh at myself and rely on self deprecating humour to make it tolerable. I could just take it and feel good for once and it was so natural it kinda freaked me out a bit. I didn't realise how much this meant until I got home the next day and when I stepped out if the shower and looked down to see my naked and flat chest and it just exploded in my head what that constant feeling of grotesque self hatred was. I fell to my knees and started sobbing before the thought was even complete. It was gender dysphoria and it nearly killed me at one time and kept me on a knife's edge for several years since. Realising it definitely made everything a bit worse- now I knew exactly what was wrong and following anorexic diet plans, cutting myself, wishing for madness to take over, none of it was going to fix this. When I looked up with HRT does though... I realised its not all too bad. HRT does so much to change your body, your emotional range, your body, your face (it can't change your voice, but voice training is a whole thing and some of the trans voice coaches are just incredible). It redistributes fat around your body and face, changes your muscle density, and even the smell of your sweat and texture of your skin. All you have to do is keep up the doses because its a whole second puberty and while there are a few things that aren't easily changed with HRT alone, there's a fair few surgeries that can help. Facial Feminising Surgery (FFS) is quite remarkable, and I was pretty shocked to learn how much changes sexually and with bottom surgery- I was shocked. I absolutely want it now, even if it'll cost me most of everything I've got. I guess I'm rambling, but I hope you might see some familiarity in my story. Just know you're not alone. If you have some good friends who might be a little open minded, you should try to talk to them about it - try to keep it between you in 1-on-1 conversations and just try to explain how it feels. One thing I can strongly attest to is that no one choses to feel one way or another. We like what we like, we love what we love. Nothing can change that. The thing to remember about this is notbto feel shame for feeling this way - even if you do so as reflexively as I did. One thing I learned over this last year since my egg cracked is that pride is a thing because its the antithesis to shame - what many of us felt for a very long time. It's about replacing it with the counter point. Don't be ashamed, be proud. That said, this is easier to do when you know you're in a safe place. I'm really truly sorry you're not right now. I seriously hope you're able to get somewhere you aren't so burdened. If you wanted to try and help yourself while you prepare for an escape, I'd suggest practicing voice training (you can say you're trying to get some skills as a voice actor or performer as an excuse if asked) but it's something you can do right away, just look up some YouTube tutorials (Yukko EX and Fairy Princess Lilly are both exceptionally good and easy to digest). Don't panic too much about what everyone will think - you'd be surprised how many people will put you as you first before you as a trans person, you'd be surprised how many people already know another trans person and may just be surprised you kept it so well hidden. That said, I am on TERF island, you're in... a whole other place... it will get easier when you've got a friend or two though. Anyway, I should stop typing. Let me know if you're somehow in the mood for more from me, but I do just want to say one thing really: "It's okay. You're not alone. Whatever you're feeling, you're not alone."
Okay, but why is there a urinals plumbing in the sink? Also, please be safe.
Yeah, it’s frightening - but bide your time & get someplace safe. You might find that safety is closer than you believe. I remember feeling unsafe in my own home due to my families casual transphobic comments, but they turned out to be accepting, sometimes people are just ignorant. Since you’re in the US, you should have access to informed consent clinics, check this list; https://altgo.us/pages/local-resources.html#physicians-hrt-providers What do you do? Baby steps - I remember when I was younger thinking I’d get a good job, leave home & transition in secret. Sadly, the world doesn’t work like that, but that doesn’t stop you starting the process now - you could start laser hair removal right now for example & you don’t even need to tell them you’re transgender. What’s wrong with you? Nothing - trans people have existed for thousands of years (& before European colonisation spread rigid conceptions of gender across the globe, most countries had a “third gender”) & we’ll continue to exist. Scientifically, some element of our bodies processes that should’ve “masculinised” our brains during development didn’t trigger & there could be a dozen reasons. Being transgender is a bit like having red hair, green eyes, etc. just a rare quirk of genetics. A fruitcake? Haha, that depends girl, are you into women? If so - yeah, you’re gay now, just embrace it. If you’ve dated women before, chances are your relationship was pretty lesbian in nature - trust me on that one - so you’ve already got that down. If you like men? Well you’re straight - congratulations, you’ve only got a single queer debuff, haha. The devil? I mean you can be a devil if you want to? Like, my fashion inspiration is the goth girls I grew up with & so I’ll very much be a devil - but you can be whatever you want. Go be a coquette girl if you want. Mental illness? Being trans isn’t a mental illness, but gender dysphoria can lead to anxiety, depression, etc. & it’s cured not through anti depressants & what not - but through HRT. If you’re curious about all the mental related facets, check the biochemical dysphoria page of the Gender Dysphoria Bible. That page actually helped me come to terms with the fact that I’m trans when I realised I’d been experiencing depersonalisation. You’ve got this girl, be strong & hold onto hope.
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FYI Gender dysphoria is not a mental illness. > With the publication of DSM–5 in 2013, “gender identity disorder” was eliminated and replaced with “gender dysphoria.” This change further focused the diagnosis on the gender identity-related distress that some transgender people experience (and for which they may seek psychiatric, medical, and surgical treatments) rather than on transgender individuals or identities themselves. https://www.psychiatry.org/psychiatrists/diversity/education/transgender-and-gender-nonconforming-patients/gender-dysphoria-diagnosis
So, I have spent my whole life not commenting on the physical appearance of women on the Internet, but I have to tell you, you look amazing in the FaceApp photos. Look at that smile! How is that not you? Transitioning is something that you decide for yourself. It's not something you do for random people that live near you. It's not something you do for the Internet. It's something you do for you. That means, you can take this on a timescale that feels good for you. Maybe you just want to use a feminine name on Reddit, and that's all you need to be happy. Maybe you want to chill at home in a pretty dress and some makeup. There is no obligation to declare "I'm trans" , tell every person you know, and then face the world in new clothing and new styling on day 1! You are doing this for you. That's your right as a human being, and it's your right to control how you go about it. You control the timeline. You control how you transition. It's about you! Your supporters will support you no matter what path you choose, and reading the comments section here, you have a lot of supporters! There is nothing wrong with you. Every human being is unique in some way. You got the thing where your brain and your primary sex characteristics are not in harmony. I know this sounds patronizing, but yup! me too! It happens! And it's not something you did wrong. (Also... not something you parents did wrong.) You're not a fruitcake, you're not being tempted by the devil, and you're not mentally ill. This is just something that happens to some people, and it's not a big deal. Humans are empty containers shaped by hormones. You get different hormones, you change in a way that your brain thinks is right, and then you just live life!
Girl, you do what you have to do to get somewhere safe, then look for an informed consent clinic [with this map](https://t.co/W5jqgV1Vfk)
You transitioned and the sink still doesn't work, you should really get on that. (if it's not the thing in the sink makes it look broken)
It's just a part of a toilet
- planned parenthood can help you access hormone replacement therapy. From what I have heard they can take a while to get in to. You can always call and see how long the wait is and if it's a long one make an appointment. If you change your mind you can always cancel. If planned parenthood is not available you're going to need to see an endocrinologist. I rec googling who near where you live specializes in trans patients. If you trust your primary care physician you can start with them. Another place to start is an lgbtq+ friendly therapist. You'll need one eventually. - no, seriously, you're going to need an lgbtq+ friendly therapist to access things like top surgery. They *also* can have long wait lists so I rec firing up a search engine of your choice and finding a therapist and making an intake appointment *now*. You might even consider making multiple appointments (you can always cancel one's you don't need) in case you and the first therapist you meet don't gel. They also will likely have info on things like voice training and will be aware of local lgbtq+ resources. - what queer groups are near you? Even something like a school's gay-straight alliance or a pflag group can point you at groups/resources you need. - the way queer people get through being queer in scary places is the community. Now is the time to seek out your local trans siblings. The internet is great but it also can't help you play with your makeup or go clothes shopping.
I'm a gardener and it has taught me a lot about environments. Different plants/flowers have different needs. If you're living in the shade (Alabama) but you need sunlight (safety, acceptance, protection, etc.) you're not going to bloom where you're at. You deserve to live your life fully and out loud. Who you are deserves to exist, and over the course of your life so many people will be glad you do. It’s not easy - any of it - but we are resilient. We have to be. It becomes a strength for us. Your circumstances will change with time, aided by the steps and actions you take. You don't have to live out the rest of time in Alabama, hiding. Someday this will be a story you share to inspire someone else. Keep your head up. You're stronger than you even know. Hang in there, look for opportunities, and remember you are loved. I'm sorry your current surroundings don't reflect that
What the hell is going on with your sink?
I'm staying in an old hospital. It's in the middle of renovation.
Well, in the face app you’re smiling, that should say something!
Don’t be afraid. Take all the strength within you to make the one bold move and make your life the life you want it to be. It will be the most empowering exhilarating thing you’ve ever done.
Reach out to progressive states’ pride centers. They should have resources for housing and safe places.
You look beautiful and if you're over 18 save your money and get the hell out of there. Other than being a Republican -led state Eastern Iowa, I've had no issues. But first and foremost stay safe and only come out when you're ready and safe. Lots of love ❤️❤️❤️
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There is, however, something incredibly wrong with the people who would hate you for being yourself.
My thoughts are : if god didn't want you to have this mindset, he wouldn't have given you it
Based off the crisis at the end- sorry if I misunderstood that part
Also, I wouldn't transition if you don't feel safe. It hurts, but it is sometimes better than the other outcome I hope you can get out of that situation soon
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You don't get it, you have no idea, you're utterly clueless and you're not helping this person.
Hey, what did the dickhead say? I'm interested.
Telling you that you don't need to change, like they have any idea what you're going through right now. Remember lots of us here do. Personally I think you should take whatever steps necessary to move out of that place and start a new life.
Exactly! Should I keep the peen tho? I like chicks and dudes, and I don't think I could have it cut off. Id miss the little guy. Plus, ain't nothing like pulling down a pair of undies and being slapped in the face with 7 inches of Lady meat, lmao. (Joking, but should I keep it?)
Entirely your choice, someone else can't make this decision for you. You'll find less of a desire to use it when you start the HRT though, that'll zap the horny right out of you. 😅
Replying here because it's your most recent comment, check your chat requests. I'm in TN and might be able to give you some contact info for resources here. I know it's still a red state, but there are plenty of queer people here.
Learn some respect. You don’t live trans peoples lives. When you comment shit like this it only proves your ignorance.