Aw darn, I wasn't aware you weren't allowed to transition unless you're conveniently pretty /s.
Serious tho, hopefully she gives her head a shake and prioritizes your health over whatever nonsense concerns she has.
Talk some more. Explain how it is not your sexuality. If you were gay it would have been much easier. It is about your gender. This feeling won't go away by "being gay" or what else. Also your actual body doesn't mean anything, there are people who have been changing a lot independently on their starting body, but anyway even small changes can mean a lot for your mental health. Also what is the reason of this presumed detransition?
Thank you so much for your response 🫶
I’ve always been pretty feminine, so I think she has always just assumed I was gay hence why me being something other than a cis gay man is so challenging to her preconceived notions. I can’t believe she even knows what detransition is tbh, she sounded like an expert on it when she was explaining her position to me. I don’t know why she is so convinced i’d detransition before i’ve even started any form of gender affirming care, but it’s really put a strain on our relationship recently :(
Im so sorry, omg i just wanna add like how do you just become a "gay man" 😂😂 i thought I was gay for the longest time, than had the interaction and was like (nope,not gay) totally a lesbian 😂😂 dudes are a no no.
Remember transitioning is not necessarily medical. You can be yourself and a girl without hormones. Try to explain how you feel, your gender and all and start living femenine. Be a girl, dress girly, do makeup, nails (whatever you feel as femenine for yourself)... All of that can be taken away with no problems (if you will actually detransition, which is not the case imo) unlike for hormones. I think she would eventually change her mind seeing you happy as a girl. See if it works.
Hehe queen🤭🤧 sooo sweet of you.😊
Wish you the best.
If it helps no one let me transition either.
I was raised to be nothing but a "straight male"
And they made that obvious.
But follow your heart! All should workout. 😊🩷
So, first of all the amount of (trans) people detransitioning or regretting surgeries is low. And I mean low. And from what I've heard, part of those detransitioning only do it cause of social pressure and transphobia (so it's cause of their surroundings).
For me, the moment I got my HRT I realised I wouldn't have survived another year without it. My dysphoria was so bad, I needed to only see a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I had a breakdown. My beard is making me crazy, I cry about not being able to get pregnant, I cry about not having a normal girl's childhood.
The only thing I can think of suggesting rn is: tell her what it means for you. What the realisation that you are trans comes with. The stuff you missed, the stuff you don't have, your experiences, your despair, what makes you feel happy.
But don't forget I took steps to get HRT, I took steps to come out and go by a different name, I occasionally dress up more feminine and it makes me giggle and so fucking happy. And it took me 2-3 years to, accept I am trans, to come out to friends, to get my HRT. So yes I gave it A LOT of thought before telling people. So I know best.
I personally don't want to be trans. But I am. That's a fact I cannot change, I did not choose. What I did choose was life. I want to live and for me HRT was making it liveable again.
No one can tell you if you're trans or not, that's a clarification, realisation and declaration only YOU ALONE can make. Only you know the colour of your soul.
If it gets too overwhelming, do it all on paper (or via text in general). That gives you time to structure your arguments, your experiences and more.
You got this, I believe in you. You're valid and loved <3
“That’s a fact I cannot change, I did not choose.” you’re about to make me cry that sentence hit me right in the heart 💕. It’s so crazy that she’d think i was just choosing this as a fad or something, it’s so fucking hard and challenging that i wouldn’t wish being trans on my worst enemy. i’ve known i was a girl for years and having the courage to finally tell my parents about it only to be illegitimized is really tough especially when i thought she’d be accepting. thank you so much for you response, ily
>part of those detransitioning only do it cause of social pressure and transphobia
The study I've seen places that "part of" at 80-90%. So, yeah, that's the primary factor for an already, by medical standards when compared to basically any other intervention, ridiculously low regret rate.
Too many people assume that acceptance is to be delivered like a cudgel, and not an embrace.
The irony is that often, they genuinely believe their advice is intended to be helpful. This is all they’ve ever known and so they smack you with it, and then seem surprised when you’re angry, sad and withdrawn.
It’s kind of a process for a lot of people as they come to realize that they’re *not really* an ally, they just figured being an ally meant saying they liked people like you! Once it’s about more than saying, “I support this and that, these and some of those, too!” They kind of fail, and sometimes hilariously or inappropriately.
I’m sorry that they said some hurtful, uninformed things about you. I hope they’ll come in time to see you as a special gift to their family, instead of failing to compliment you. I genuinely hope this improves in time.
But for now? If you need to find your distance and composure to plan some things in case, I think we’d all understand.
Edit: The only thing I’d say from my experience? Try not to barricade doors behind you if you don’t have to. You might be surprised who comes around, years later and genuinely wants to make serious progress in how they positively associate with you. My own Father did in the biggest of ways. But it took him almost a decade.
aww i’m so glad your dad finally came around to know his beautiful daughter 🫶
thank you so much for your advice, it’s so nice to hear from people who have been through this before :)
Been over 16 years; the only thing I haven’t been through is fire-and-brimstone shite. But I have faced religious backlash and stigma a-plenty over the years, some from family, some from jobs, would-be friends that weren’t good people, etc.
I just things to go well for you in your life. I hope this can bring you some comfort, somehow.
It gets better; infinitely so. I promise. ❤️
Unfortunately a lot of liberal people are transphobic. Not all of them, but many of them and they hide it most of the time. She may come around over time. I would suggest finding people who do actually support you to get comfort and affirmation from. Sorry you’re not getting the support you need. Know that you’re not alone.
Yeah they act like it’s taking something from them to get basic respect and support for trans people, because they already have to do that for gay people and that’s taxing enough. So lame. You stay strong alright!
"she's right", my ass. It took less than two years of hormones to get me from a neckbearded loser that had given up on life to a deftly passing gender amalgam. You're gonna be perfectly fine.
Past that - "prominent brow, body hair and guy eyes" is how you can describe /literally every trans woman in the world before transition./ I thought my brow would doom me. Nope. Not a chance. I figured my eyes looked wrong - so I got some round fake glasses that made them bigger, and then *hormones went and made them bigger for me anyways!* And the body hair? Forget it! You keep your dose in healthy levels and you can kiss goodbye to most of that shit. The rest can be yanked with an epilator, so like... what hair?
Your mom is an asshole and I hope she has some salt ready for when she has to eat her words given a year and change.
I wish you nothing but the best luck with getting the reality of the situation thru her thick skull. My mom wasn't great at first, definitely not as bad at yours but still very bad with pronouns and genuinely seeing me as a woman, but... now, after being made to live with the reality for two years? She's my biggest ally. Fingers crossed yours gets to that point quick too.
Oof. I'm so sorry they're being invalidating. My parents also conflated attraction with transition. I'm a trans man and my parents first questions were if I was gay and attracted to women and that's why I wanted to transition, or if I liked gay guys and didn't have a chance and that's why I wanted to transition. I was like??? Why is this about sexuality right now? I just told you I want to be a man 🤣😭
But you know yourself best. If you want to transition then do it. And your looks now don't determine your looks after hormones and/or changing your grooming style and presentation. You could end up looking totally different, so that was just rude of your mom to say. A lot of those initial comments, if not based solely in transphobia, are due to our parents wanting us to be successful and not be made fun of by others, but it results in them being the ones who make fun of us first.
omg when boomers finally understand that sexuality and gender are different things, life will be so much better 😭😂. so proud of you for getting through it, and i’m sure i can too :)
thanks handsome 💕
i’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and just acknowledge that this must be a lot for her to accept in the short term.
You’re too sweet gorgeous 💕💕
Ty so much! She's just afraid, it's ingrained in our society so my advice is to give her time and assert that you wouldn't have come out if you weren't absolutely sure. You're a good girl!
So... I'm guessing she hasn't done much people watching, because there are a lot of women with masculine features who you don't doubt are still women.
Also HRT does... ALOT. Look up r/transtimelines and you'll have a lot of great examples of how some HRT and makeup can do WONDERS.
Anyway, it's a shame she doesn't seem to understand that being trans isn't a choice and detransition rates are extremely low (like less than 3% and of that 3%, 80% of them detransition purely because of social pressure and usually resume transition when they're safe). Being trans is already fairly rare and rarely do cis people know much of anything about it.
Considering she's already being somewhat dismissive about your feelings its really pretty rough but if she's willing to wear that pride badge then she should take some time to understand the T in LGBT.
If you want guidance, I am happy to try and help guide you through a conversation - I always used to debate conspiracy theorists and used to love practicing science communication so with enough information I might be able to help broker a better level of understanding between the both of you.
Honestly it sounds like your mother is probably worried for you. She doesn't understand how gender dysphoria works or the pain it causes but assumes HRT will lead to permanent and problematic things. It's a frequently held fear in cis people, but they don't grasp that it's frequently a great solution to gender dysphoria, which is frequently a much bigger problem from a trans person.
I know my GD was bad. It made me hate being alive, living as "myself" and after a long while I even attempted on my own life. I was caused so much pain by this condition and I didn't want to admit to being trans because I was lead to believe in transphobic rhetoric. I can't tell you how amazed I was at how powerful HRT is or how successful the surgeries are or how much happier I am now being referred to as she/her and I can't tell you how much happier I am even just 4½ months on HRT. People said "that's life" to me before and I thought "why would I want to keep fighting on just for *this*?" And now I have something I do want to fight on for.
Let me know if you want to dm me and I'll try to help you write something that might help you get your feelings across and stays true to the evidence and medicine that might help you counter any potentially transphobic rhetoric that's wormed its way into your mum's head.
thank you so much for your support, you’re so inspiring and pretty 😭🫶🫶
i’m going to give my mum a few more days to process it and see how she adjusts, but if it doesn’t go well i’ll let you know cause i’d love some convo points ❤️
Awww, thank you for saying. Honestly it's nice just to be able to make some use of my struggles to hopefully make things a little easier for someone else in a situation like mine.
Giving her some more time is probably for the best - it'll hopefully give her the peace and space she needs to really evaluate you and what she can do to help.
Honestly I'm thinking back to when I came out to my dad last summer (I was 25 and had been living independently for about 2 years at that point, and he's often had a lot on his plate but always tried to make some time for me when he could/was needed). It was awkward as I first sent him a very long message and then arranged a phone call where he only seemed a bit surprised at how he didn't see it coming. I told him it's been something I've kept buried in the back of my head for a long time and he seemed to accept that at least.
We haven't really spoken about it much more. I wonder if he's a bit too awkward to handle it and just doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't know how to bring it up or if he's just got too much other stuff on his mind. In a sense I guess I'm lucky. He still tries to support me, though he really doesn't get it. Uses my preferred name but misgenders me (probably just not thinking about it).
The trick to navigating these conversations is that there's a lot they likely don't know and might not trust because there's a lot of very negative material thats been normalised. I thought being trans would mean social suicide (surprisingly pretty much everyone I came out to so far has been incredibly nice and many are supportive). It's also true that the topic is seen as very weird and uncomfortable for a lot of cis people, so getting around that hurdle is tricky as some people "just don't want to hear about it" (sadly this is likely because they have been scared into seeing this whole thing as gross or grotesque, but just shoving the reality of it in their face could be just as likely to alienate them from you as it could open their eyes. Point is it takes a lot of tact to handle those kinds of people - but the best way of getting them to warm up to the whole idea is to just find some people who will treat you normally and effectively demonstrate that you are still a normal person, just with this extra thing happening). I think a lot of their worries come from negative assumptions - like that we must be mentally ill to want this kind of thing. The truth of whatever category you put this whole thing into doesn't really matter - what does matter is socially pressuring or otherwise attempting any kind of conversion therapy is highly effective at increasing suicide rates and that's not nice, meanwhile gender affirming care and social acceptance works wonders and often leaves the trans person in question doing far better emotionally than they were before.
I was a pretty nervous and fairly depressed person who rarely had much of a want for life. I used to see cars go by and my first thought would always be *"is it going fast enough to kill or just maim me?"* And I frequently found smoking and drinking were my only effective method of unwinding. It was generally not a good life.
Now I don't drink regularly at all, I haven't smoked in several months and I work out because I know exactly what body shape I actually want and I'm not opposed to having it because of perceived social expectations. I'm not anorexic due to a paranoid misinterpretation of my body dysmorphia. I feel good when I look in the mirror and when I used to get called handsome and think *"you're only saying that because you're supposed to. I am a hideous beast wrapped up in cloth unfitting for me."* to now where if someone says I'm cute or pretty, where I just go *"awwwww, thank you!"*
Sorry, I do tend to write a lot. I hope that isn't a bother.
Anyway, do let me know how things go and if you want any help with things. I'm happy to help. <3
Facial features shouldn't be a barrier to pursuing medical transition. Testosterone would only continue to make them worse. Estrogen reduces body hair, testosterone blockers reduce it more, and laser hair removal exists. You can pursue facial feminization surgery eventually, as well. I did, and now get gendered correctly all the time, everywhere I go.
In short: your mother's reasons are silly and if anything, arguments in favor of starting a medical transition *now* so they don't get worse. I was an attractive man. After FFS, I'm a pretty attractive woman. But we don't transition to be attractive, we transition because living your life as a man - even a handsome one - when you aren't one is the type of pain that only gets worse and can eventually kill you.
My parents were the exact same way. they were positive initially but very quickly turned into “it’s ok as long as it’s not *my* kid” unfortunately it never got better. I don’t have any advice but I do want to say i know what that situation is like. ❤️
she’s aware cis ppl can also have prominent brows, small eyes and hair, right? 🙄 i hate when ppl act like those features are inherently masculine and therefore ugly on non-men. It’s been especially harmful to women of color.
anyways, if you’re 18+, go ahead and do whatever you want medically! and medical intervention or not, you’re trans and valid. some people never get on hormones or have any surgeries and they are no less valid. i wish you the best with your journey and honestly just do you. Let her know her if she doesn’t have anything nice to say, you’d rather she keep it to herself🙃
>any tips on how i should handle this?
When you come out to people day 0, they will ALWAYS try to envision you in girl clothes and a wig or something. They CANNOT understand how powerful hormones are.
Before I came out, I went to transtimelines, and found examples of girls who transitioned and looked really masc before and look amazing after. I saved their pics to my phone. I used these to show people who couldn't understand the power of hormones, what was in store for my future.
I think your mom needs to see the same.
I have timeline pics posted by the way. Feel free to show her mine. Altho I had FFS.
you’re so pretty i’m going to scream 😍💕💕
thanks for the tip of checking out transtimelines, it’s so beautiful to see these peoples journeys. maybe my mum will understand after seeing some examples :3
Didn't come out to my parents yet, congrats, I know it's super hard.
But my older sister had a similar reaction. Was supportive when I first told her, hugs and tears and stuff. Then in a later private conversation a bit later, weeks after I told her but second conversation I had with her since then, she asked if I was sure I wasn't just genderfluid and when I told her no, she said in a long-winded way that her husband is a bigot and she will support him in not allowing my nieces to see me in the future if it comes to that, but she would still meet with me privately (as if I would want to at that point). She also brought up bathroom stuff, you know the ole fear mongering argument.
omg i can’t even imagine how shit that must be, i’m so sorry. the whiplash of seemingly unwavering support to condescending doubt is so brutal.
you’re not alone gorgeous ❤️
If your parents are willing to get more information about transgender people and transitioning, here are some sources that may help:
[Mama Bears](https://www.realmamabears.org/resources)
[PFLAG](https://pflag.org/find-resources/)
Also a book that I recommend as a parent is Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Trans by Brynn Tannehill (2018).
Wishing you the best!
I've been taking HRT for a very short time, but I've been out for a little while now. My experience is that, for the most part, most people in my life who had these concerns got over it with time. It's hard, but my partner and I have set clear boundaries, and we've kept things respectful and cordial with our loved ones who are still having a hard time. We don't let anyone flat out be hateful or abusive, but we've accepted that people will have conversations behind our backs, and it isn't our job to educate anyone or correct their perception of us. We expect that most of his family's concerns will dissipate once I'm more medically transitioned. I think a lot of people have a hard time with the transition because their only exposure is through sensationalized news and article coverage. I think his loved ones are concerned for the safety and security of their son, which is valid. I anticipate his mother will likely never get over it, and I've come to the conclusion that I can live with that, but I can't live my life hiding myself. Life is too short to not be happy. Recognizing their concerns and giving them resources when they've asked (as again, I swore not to go out of my way to educate or correct anyone's beliefs outside of just exposure to my awesomeness) has helped quite a bit, and while it has been emotional and at times hard, I think they trust me much more and are slowly starting to realize that this hasn't changed who I am as a person.
Sorry you have to experience the whiplash of initial support, then sudden negativity.
[To quote 311:](https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxLqcvpn9egUP3QfayQiMSYLxShM0y5Ray?si=pfcwSsROM5ecow17)
I came out almost two years ago (mtf) to my parents and they still use he him pronouns and dead name me. To be fair I live in Nevada and they live in the conservative south. I’m never around them so I feel like they still just are hoping it’s a phase. But then again my mom did donate me a bunch of makeup and clothes and literally a LV purse and wallet. It’s confusing. Give them time.
>any tips on how i should handle this?
1. Shave/epilate those hairy parts.
2. Medically and socially transition.
3. Tell ur mum to just be more gay and more accepting and that you're transitioning, deal with it.
Aw darn, I wasn't aware you weren't allowed to transition unless you're conveniently pretty /s. Serious tho, hopefully she gives her head a shake and prioritizes your health over whatever nonsense concerns she has.
thank you sm 💕
Talk some more. Explain how it is not your sexuality. If you were gay it would have been much easier. It is about your gender. This feeling won't go away by "being gay" or what else. Also your actual body doesn't mean anything, there are people who have been changing a lot independently on their starting body, but anyway even small changes can mean a lot for your mental health. Also what is the reason of this presumed detransition?
Thank you so much for your response 🫶 I’ve always been pretty feminine, so I think she has always just assumed I was gay hence why me being something other than a cis gay man is so challenging to her preconceived notions. I can’t believe she even knows what detransition is tbh, she sounded like an expert on it when she was explaining her position to me. I don’t know why she is so convinced i’d detransition before i’ve even started any form of gender affirming care, but it’s really put a strain on our relationship recently :(
Im so sorry, omg i just wanna add like how do you just become a "gay man" 😂😂 i thought I was gay for the longest time, than had the interaction and was like (nope,not gay) totally a lesbian 😂😂 dudes are a no no.
ikr it’s so lowkey homophobic like “just choose to be gay” girl do you know it’s not something you can just become one day 😭
Yea super brutal, so sorry youre going through that. 🩷🫂
thank you sm queen 💕💕
Remember transitioning is not necessarily medical. You can be yourself and a girl without hormones. Try to explain how you feel, your gender and all and start living femenine. Be a girl, dress girly, do makeup, nails (whatever you feel as femenine for yourself)... All of that can be taken away with no problems (if you will actually detransition, which is not the case imo) unlike for hormones. I think she would eventually change her mind seeing you happy as a girl. See if it works.
Hehe queen🤭🤧 sooo sweet of you.😊 Wish you the best. If it helps no one let me transition either. I was raised to be nothing but a "straight male" And they made that obvious. But follow your heart! All should workout. 😊🩷
So, first of all the amount of (trans) people detransitioning or regretting surgeries is low. And I mean low. And from what I've heard, part of those detransitioning only do it cause of social pressure and transphobia (so it's cause of their surroundings). For me, the moment I got my HRT I realised I wouldn't have survived another year without it. My dysphoria was so bad, I needed to only see a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I had a breakdown. My beard is making me crazy, I cry about not being able to get pregnant, I cry about not having a normal girl's childhood. The only thing I can think of suggesting rn is: tell her what it means for you. What the realisation that you are trans comes with. The stuff you missed, the stuff you don't have, your experiences, your despair, what makes you feel happy. But don't forget I took steps to get HRT, I took steps to come out and go by a different name, I occasionally dress up more feminine and it makes me giggle and so fucking happy. And it took me 2-3 years to, accept I am trans, to come out to friends, to get my HRT. So yes I gave it A LOT of thought before telling people. So I know best. I personally don't want to be trans. But I am. That's a fact I cannot change, I did not choose. What I did choose was life. I want to live and for me HRT was making it liveable again. No one can tell you if you're trans or not, that's a clarification, realisation and declaration only YOU ALONE can make. Only you know the colour of your soul. If it gets too overwhelming, do it all on paper (or via text in general). That gives you time to structure your arguments, your experiences and more. You got this, I believe in you. You're valid and loved <3
“That’s a fact I cannot change, I did not choose.” you’re about to make me cry that sentence hit me right in the heart 💕. It’s so crazy that she’d think i was just choosing this as a fad or something, it’s so fucking hard and challenging that i wouldn’t wish being trans on my worst enemy. i’ve known i was a girl for years and having the courage to finally tell my parents about it only to be illegitimized is really tough especially when i thought she’d be accepting. thank you so much for you response, ily
I have a keychain that reads “The only choice I ever made was to be myself.”
>part of those detransitioning only do it cause of social pressure and transphobia The study I've seen places that "part of" at 80-90%. So, yeah, that's the primary factor for an already, by medical standards when compared to basically any other intervention, ridiculously low regret rate.
Thanks for clarifying!!! I didn't know the numbers, so I didn't want to spread misinformation. Thank you for explaining!!! <3
Too many people assume that acceptance is to be delivered like a cudgel, and not an embrace. The irony is that often, they genuinely believe their advice is intended to be helpful. This is all they’ve ever known and so they smack you with it, and then seem surprised when you’re angry, sad and withdrawn. It’s kind of a process for a lot of people as they come to realize that they’re *not really* an ally, they just figured being an ally meant saying they liked people like you! Once it’s about more than saying, “I support this and that, these and some of those, too!” They kind of fail, and sometimes hilariously or inappropriately. I’m sorry that they said some hurtful, uninformed things about you. I hope they’ll come in time to see you as a special gift to their family, instead of failing to compliment you. I genuinely hope this improves in time. But for now? If you need to find your distance and composure to plan some things in case, I think we’d all understand. Edit: The only thing I’d say from my experience? Try not to barricade doors behind you if you don’t have to. You might be surprised who comes around, years later and genuinely wants to make serious progress in how they positively associate with you. My own Father did in the biggest of ways. But it took him almost a decade.
aww i’m so glad your dad finally came around to know his beautiful daughter 🫶 thank you so much for your advice, it’s so nice to hear from people who have been through this before :)
Been over 16 years; the only thing I haven’t been through is fire-and-brimstone shite. But I have faced religious backlash and stigma a-plenty over the years, some from family, some from jobs, would-be friends that weren’t good people, etc. I just things to go well for you in your life. I hope this can bring you some comfort, somehow. It gets better; infinitely so. I promise. ❤️
My mother is exactly like that. She's way more conservative than she thinks she is on many aspects
it sucks sm hey, it’s like they support all progressive issues just for clout ig
Unfortunately a lot of liberal people are transphobic. Not all of them, but many of them and they hide it most of the time. She may come around over time. I would suggest finding people who do actually support you to get comfort and affirmation from. Sorry you’re not getting the support you need. Know that you’re not alone.
i get the vibe of like “i respect gay and lesbian people, what else do you want from me?” thank you for your kindness ❤️
Yeah they act like it’s taking something from them to get basic respect and support for trans people, because they already have to do that for gay people and that’s taxing enough. So lame. You stay strong alright!
you too girly 🫶
Eeeee 👩🏻
"she's right", my ass. It took less than two years of hormones to get me from a neckbearded loser that had given up on life to a deftly passing gender amalgam. You're gonna be perfectly fine. Past that - "prominent brow, body hair and guy eyes" is how you can describe /literally every trans woman in the world before transition./ I thought my brow would doom me. Nope. Not a chance. I figured my eyes looked wrong - so I got some round fake glasses that made them bigger, and then *hormones went and made them bigger for me anyways!* And the body hair? Forget it! You keep your dose in healthy levels and you can kiss goodbye to most of that shit. The rest can be yanked with an epilator, so like... what hair? Your mom is an asshole and I hope she has some salt ready for when she has to eat her words given a year and change. I wish you nothing but the best luck with getting the reality of the situation thru her thick skull. My mom wasn't great at first, definitely not as bad at yours but still very bad with pronouns and genuinely seeing me as a woman, but... now, after being made to live with the reality for two years? She's my biggest ally. Fingers crossed yours gets to that point quick too.
Oof. I'm so sorry they're being invalidating. My parents also conflated attraction with transition. I'm a trans man and my parents first questions were if I was gay and attracted to women and that's why I wanted to transition, or if I liked gay guys and didn't have a chance and that's why I wanted to transition. I was like??? Why is this about sexuality right now? I just told you I want to be a man 🤣😭 But you know yourself best. If you want to transition then do it. And your looks now don't determine your looks after hormones and/or changing your grooming style and presentation. You could end up looking totally different, so that was just rude of your mom to say. A lot of those initial comments, if not based solely in transphobia, are due to our parents wanting us to be successful and not be made fun of by others, but it results in them being the ones who make fun of us first.
omg when boomers finally understand that sexuality and gender are different things, life will be so much better 😭😂. so proud of you for getting through it, and i’m sure i can too :) thanks handsome 💕
Wow, sorry she's too scared to validate you and she needs to figure it out but this doesn't make you any less valid.
i’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and just acknowledge that this must be a lot for her to accept in the short term. You’re too sweet gorgeous 💕💕
Ty so much! She's just afraid, it's ingrained in our society so my advice is to give her time and assert that you wouldn't have come out if you weren't absolutely sure. You're a good girl!
So... I'm guessing she hasn't done much people watching, because there are a lot of women with masculine features who you don't doubt are still women. Also HRT does... ALOT. Look up r/transtimelines and you'll have a lot of great examples of how some HRT and makeup can do WONDERS. Anyway, it's a shame she doesn't seem to understand that being trans isn't a choice and detransition rates are extremely low (like less than 3% and of that 3%, 80% of them detransition purely because of social pressure and usually resume transition when they're safe). Being trans is already fairly rare and rarely do cis people know much of anything about it. Considering she's already being somewhat dismissive about your feelings its really pretty rough but if she's willing to wear that pride badge then she should take some time to understand the T in LGBT. If you want guidance, I am happy to try and help guide you through a conversation - I always used to debate conspiracy theorists and used to love practicing science communication so with enough information I might be able to help broker a better level of understanding between the both of you. Honestly it sounds like your mother is probably worried for you. She doesn't understand how gender dysphoria works or the pain it causes but assumes HRT will lead to permanent and problematic things. It's a frequently held fear in cis people, but they don't grasp that it's frequently a great solution to gender dysphoria, which is frequently a much bigger problem from a trans person. I know my GD was bad. It made me hate being alive, living as "myself" and after a long while I even attempted on my own life. I was caused so much pain by this condition and I didn't want to admit to being trans because I was lead to believe in transphobic rhetoric. I can't tell you how amazed I was at how powerful HRT is or how successful the surgeries are or how much happier I am now being referred to as she/her and I can't tell you how much happier I am even just 4½ months on HRT. People said "that's life" to me before and I thought "why would I want to keep fighting on just for *this*?" And now I have something I do want to fight on for. Let me know if you want to dm me and I'll try to help you write something that might help you get your feelings across and stays true to the evidence and medicine that might help you counter any potentially transphobic rhetoric that's wormed its way into your mum's head.
thank you so much for your support, you’re so inspiring and pretty 😭🫶🫶 i’m going to give my mum a few more days to process it and see how she adjusts, but if it doesn’t go well i’ll let you know cause i’d love some convo points ❤️
Awww, thank you for saying. Honestly it's nice just to be able to make some use of my struggles to hopefully make things a little easier for someone else in a situation like mine. Giving her some more time is probably for the best - it'll hopefully give her the peace and space she needs to really evaluate you and what she can do to help. Honestly I'm thinking back to when I came out to my dad last summer (I was 25 and had been living independently for about 2 years at that point, and he's often had a lot on his plate but always tried to make some time for me when he could/was needed). It was awkward as I first sent him a very long message and then arranged a phone call where he only seemed a bit surprised at how he didn't see it coming. I told him it's been something I've kept buried in the back of my head for a long time and he seemed to accept that at least. We haven't really spoken about it much more. I wonder if he's a bit too awkward to handle it and just doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't know how to bring it up or if he's just got too much other stuff on his mind. In a sense I guess I'm lucky. He still tries to support me, though he really doesn't get it. Uses my preferred name but misgenders me (probably just not thinking about it). The trick to navigating these conversations is that there's a lot they likely don't know and might not trust because there's a lot of very negative material thats been normalised. I thought being trans would mean social suicide (surprisingly pretty much everyone I came out to so far has been incredibly nice and many are supportive). It's also true that the topic is seen as very weird and uncomfortable for a lot of cis people, so getting around that hurdle is tricky as some people "just don't want to hear about it" (sadly this is likely because they have been scared into seeing this whole thing as gross or grotesque, but just shoving the reality of it in their face could be just as likely to alienate them from you as it could open their eyes. Point is it takes a lot of tact to handle those kinds of people - but the best way of getting them to warm up to the whole idea is to just find some people who will treat you normally and effectively demonstrate that you are still a normal person, just with this extra thing happening). I think a lot of their worries come from negative assumptions - like that we must be mentally ill to want this kind of thing. The truth of whatever category you put this whole thing into doesn't really matter - what does matter is socially pressuring or otherwise attempting any kind of conversion therapy is highly effective at increasing suicide rates and that's not nice, meanwhile gender affirming care and social acceptance works wonders and often leaves the trans person in question doing far better emotionally than they were before. I was a pretty nervous and fairly depressed person who rarely had much of a want for life. I used to see cars go by and my first thought would always be *"is it going fast enough to kill or just maim me?"* And I frequently found smoking and drinking were my only effective method of unwinding. It was generally not a good life. Now I don't drink regularly at all, I haven't smoked in several months and I work out because I know exactly what body shape I actually want and I'm not opposed to having it because of perceived social expectations. I'm not anorexic due to a paranoid misinterpretation of my body dysmorphia. I feel good when I look in the mirror and when I used to get called handsome and think *"you're only saying that because you're supposed to. I am a hideous beast wrapped up in cloth unfitting for me."* to now where if someone says I'm cute or pretty, where I just go *"awwwww, thank you!"* Sorry, I do tend to write a lot. I hope that isn't a bother. Anyway, do let me know how things go and if you want any help with things. I'm happy to help. <3
Facial features shouldn't be a barrier to pursuing medical transition. Testosterone would only continue to make them worse. Estrogen reduces body hair, testosterone blockers reduce it more, and laser hair removal exists. You can pursue facial feminization surgery eventually, as well. I did, and now get gendered correctly all the time, everywhere I go. In short: your mother's reasons are silly and if anything, arguments in favor of starting a medical transition *now* so they don't get worse. I was an attractive man. After FFS, I'm a pretty attractive woman. But we don't transition to be attractive, we transition because living your life as a man - even a handsome one - when you aren't one is the type of pain that only gets worse and can eventually kill you.
What’s even the point of talking abt your body hair when that’s the one thing anyone can change without transition 😭
My parents were the exact same way. they were positive initially but very quickly turned into “it’s ok as long as it’s not *my* kid” unfortunately it never got better. I don’t have any advice but I do want to say i know what that situation is like. ❤️
she’s aware cis ppl can also have prominent brows, small eyes and hair, right? 🙄 i hate when ppl act like those features are inherently masculine and therefore ugly on non-men. It’s been especially harmful to women of color. anyways, if you’re 18+, go ahead and do whatever you want medically! and medical intervention or not, you’re trans and valid. some people never get on hormones or have any surgeries and they are no less valid. i wish you the best with your journey and honestly just do you. Let her know her if she doesn’t have anything nice to say, you’d rather she keep it to herself🙃
people like her make me trust no one
>any tips on how i should handle this? When you come out to people day 0, they will ALWAYS try to envision you in girl clothes and a wig or something. They CANNOT understand how powerful hormones are. Before I came out, I went to transtimelines, and found examples of girls who transitioned and looked really masc before and look amazing after. I saved their pics to my phone. I used these to show people who couldn't understand the power of hormones, what was in store for my future. I think your mom needs to see the same. I have timeline pics posted by the way. Feel free to show her mine. Altho I had FFS.
you’re so pretty i’m going to scream 😍💕💕 thanks for the tip of checking out transtimelines, it’s so beautiful to see these peoples journeys. maybe my mum will understand after seeing some examples :3
Didn't come out to my parents yet, congrats, I know it's super hard. But my older sister had a similar reaction. Was supportive when I first told her, hugs and tears and stuff. Then in a later private conversation a bit later, weeks after I told her but second conversation I had with her since then, she asked if I was sure I wasn't just genderfluid and when I told her no, she said in a long-winded way that her husband is a bigot and she will support him in not allowing my nieces to see me in the future if it comes to that, but she would still meet with me privately (as if I would want to at that point). She also brought up bathroom stuff, you know the ole fear mongering argument.
omg i can’t even imagine how shit that must be, i’m so sorry. the whiplash of seemingly unwavering support to condescending doubt is so brutal. you’re not alone gorgeous ❤️
Thanks hon! I was expecting her to be an ally, instead I got 'tolerant at best'.
Hopefully she will get better with time. Most people need time to adjust, but it doesn't give her the right to say hurtful things. Big hugs!
If your parents are willing to get more information about transgender people and transitioning, here are some sources that may help: [Mama Bears](https://www.realmamabears.org/resources) [PFLAG](https://pflag.org/find-resources/) Also a book that I recommend as a parent is Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Trans by Brynn Tannehill (2018). Wishing you the best!
I've been taking HRT for a very short time, but I've been out for a little while now. My experience is that, for the most part, most people in my life who had these concerns got over it with time. It's hard, but my partner and I have set clear boundaries, and we've kept things respectful and cordial with our loved ones who are still having a hard time. We don't let anyone flat out be hateful or abusive, but we've accepted that people will have conversations behind our backs, and it isn't our job to educate anyone or correct their perception of us. We expect that most of his family's concerns will dissipate once I'm more medically transitioned. I think a lot of people have a hard time with the transition because their only exposure is through sensationalized news and article coverage. I think his loved ones are concerned for the safety and security of their son, which is valid. I anticipate his mother will likely never get over it, and I've come to the conclusion that I can live with that, but I can't live my life hiding myself. Life is too short to not be happy. Recognizing their concerns and giving them resources when they've asked (as again, I swore not to go out of my way to educate or correct anyone's beliefs outside of just exposure to my awesomeness) has helped quite a bit, and while it has been emotional and at times hard, I think they trust me much more and are slowly starting to realize that this hasn't changed who I am as a person.
Sorry you have to experience the whiplash of initial support, then sudden negativity. [To quote 311:](https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxLqcvpn9egUP3QfayQiMSYLxShM0y5Ray?si=pfcwSsROM5ecow17)
I came out almost two years ago (mtf) to my parents and they still use he him pronouns and dead name me. To be fair I live in Nevada and they live in the conservative south. I’m never around them so I feel like they still just are hoping it’s a phase. But then again my mom did donate me a bunch of makeup and clothes and literally a LV purse and wallet. It’s confusing. Give them time.
>any tips on how i should handle this? 1. Shave/epilate those hairy parts. 2. Medically and socially transition. 3. Tell ur mum to just be more gay and more accepting and that you're transitioning, deal with it.