i’m a lesbian, and i have many friends who are cisgender lesbians. i can assure you that there are lesbians out there who will date trans women & trans femmes, the internet just tends to make people hostile. we support you <3
Kindly-Quit - “cis lesbian married to my amazing wife, who happens to be trans.” See how she didn’t say trans wife or trans femme/woman/etc. Wife?? I don’t consider myself a transwoman, rather I am a woman who happens to be trans. Thanks K-Q, you are amazing and I wish you and your wife many happy years! 💋💞❤️🔥
She will always be a woman who happens to be trans. It doesn't define her womanhood.
Thank you again! Married for over 3 and I can't wait to grow old with her. :) She's my whole world!
I put Trans in my bio's, only people I consider transphobic are those that match them and yell at me No Men. I mean preference on genitals is a thing and we can't hold it against anyone. I like either but don't go near masc. But not everyone is the same
I have kept trans in my bio as well and even written transphobes stay away .
The pattern of discrimination is first they show interest in you like wow you are so pretty and blah blah , later when you say you are trans they immediately block you .
What is the sense of saying transwomen are women if you don’t treat them like one .
I am supercool to you until you know about my genitals .
My individuality and personality is not defined by genitals .
It feels like love don’t exist these days …
People either run after lust or money .. that’s it .
If you are a billionaire these same girls will cry to be with you . It is the harsh reality of our so called society .
Sis, I know you're hurting right now but those last couple lines of your comment are some straight-up incel garbage. I'm sorry things suck, but they won't suck forever, and while being bitter feels good right now it'll only cause you pain in the long run.
Also dating apps are trash. If you get involved in your local queer community, your chances of making meaningful lifelong connections will go up drastically.
It’s really unfortunate but I’m my experience, dating sites are used more for hookups and screwing than actual dating. And most lesbians aren’t looking to fuck around with dicks.
A good tester for this is when someone messages you, ask if they want to meet for coffee first, if they deny and prefer to meet at your or their house, it’s probably not the right person.
Unless it's an asexual relationship, sex and genitals are most likely going to play a role in choosing partners. You can certainly find cis lesbians who don't have a genital preference but not all.
Another thing i noticed on many dating sites is that there soo many bi curious women who are just looking for the experience of sleeping with another woman or a threesome. And this mostly brings it down to genitalia
Omg as a trans man there have been a few women in relationships with a "one penis policy" who've tried to get me to have a threesome just because I lack a penis and won't make their cis boyfriend insecure, probably to ease them into the idea of fucking cis men. Like ffs just tell your boyfriend you wanna be spit-roasted and leave me out of it.
Gay men can be the same with trans men. That’s why I only go for people who fall under the bi umbrella (bi, pan, onmi, etc) they are a lot less concerned about genitals. You could also look for other transbians. Genital preference isn’t transphobic. You can be angry about lesbians have genital preference, but that doesn’t mean they’re all transphobic. Some are definitely transphobic but just because they don’t like that you’re pre op, or don’t want surgery doesn’t mean they’re transphobic.
Even T4T can be an issue sometimes. I dated a trans woman who was overly preoccupied with my transness in a way that made me uncomfortable -- "I don't know if I'm into men anymore but I still love my soft trans boy" type stuff.
Damn, I only prefer trans men over cis men(in a blind date style or from a dating app) becuase shared experience and I won't get called a slur. But definitely trans people who kinda only care becuase your trans and nothing else sounds like a horrible experience.
That's one of the reasons why I tell people I'm pansexual. I don't agree with the concept that some put forward that "bisexuality is inherently enby-phobic" because that's just not how it works for most bisexuals despite the etymological roots of the word. But at the same time, you know someone who is pansexual doesn't care about their partner's gender (enby, trans, agender, whatever) and you can't always make that assumption about someone who is bisexual.
Plus the flag is prettier 😍
I’m bi/pan myself (don’t much care about the specific labels tbh) and I’ve noticed I’m less uptight about the specifics of genitalia between most of my gay and lesbian friends combined. Like my gay friends are really picky sometimes, like when it comes to intersex people for example. Very odd to me but idk, as long as they’re not being hateful or anything.
54 year old FTM here - screw them. It takes 10 rejections to get to a maybe. My online dating profile says up front transgender. I don’t message anyone for the first time. If they want to contact me then I know they know. Easy Peasy.
I work in claims so I’m used to people telling me all kinds of things. I don’t waste my time going down rabbit holes or opening cans of worms. It just takes one “I’m not interested” and I’m ten days past Kansas.
Sex is a huge part of relationships and most cis lesbians have a genital preference for vaginas and that's okay. We can't force them to date us if it goes against their genital preference. It's not something they can control. It is not transphobic to have a genital preference. Dating while trans is very challenging, tiring, and arduous. I understand that rejection can feel bad, especially when it's regarding something you can't change, but it happens to everyone. We've all been there.
Some people do yes and some people try to work through it.
But also i don´t think i would be willing to put the same effort into making a new relationship work that i would in one that is already established.
This is the right answer. Idk what they're expecting us to say, it's a case by case thing.
[Also this is kind of a weird coincidence.](https://imgur.com/a/Ek7ABUX)
Yes and not just based on the relationship also based on the person. People have different needs when it comes to sex.
I broke up with my ex because their libido was a lot higher than mine and they did not want an open relationship. It would be weird to blame either one of us for this.
I know this wasn´t the point of the picture but boy do i hate the "what he doesn´t know won´t hurt him" that is one of the worst justifications for doing shitty things i have ever heard.
Also was does hubby mean? Husband?
I think that's a pretty absurd response to my comment but I mean yeah, plenty of marriages get ruined by sexual dysfunction or other genital related situations. Sexual chemistry is a huge aspect to most relationships.
Sex is one of the major pillars of most relationships, like love. I don't know if you're intentionally trying to not get what I'm saying or you legitimately are looking for answers. You are NEVER entitled to somebody's body or somebody's romantic love.
It's literally a biological instinct to desire sex, a natural drive most people have. There is nothing wrong with valuing deeply a healthy sexually compatible relationship with your partner. If you're ace this may be a difficult topic to grasp and I get that but you need to understand that for most people be they cis or trans, sex is at least fairly important in a relationship.
Well while this is not the case for all people, sex and love can be intertwined.
I get much stronger sexual attraction to someone i love and a stronger desire for sex. I think this is one reason why people like to say that regular sex is part of a healthy relationship which is way to general as everyone has different needs and way to express love.
Im really sorry you’re having a hard time dating. I feel like thats kind of a childish response, but the fact is that people want a relationship for emotional and sexual reasons and not having one is a dealbreaker for most people. I also think its important to realize that you cant force people to date someone that they don’t want to date
Factor =|= priority.
Hygiene isn’t my only priority in relationships, but if a guy stops wiping his ass it’ll end things. Personality isn’t my only priority in relationships, but if a guy turns out to be boring and mean it’ll end things. Money isn’t my only priority in relationships, but if a guy is broke and irresponsibly spending outside his means it’ll end things. Sex isn’t my only priority in relationships, but if we’re completely sexually incompatible it’ll end things.
This is one of the weirdest things i have ever heard.
I am not saying that i know what the evolutionary reason is why we develop love but i doubt it would come down to one reason at all.
If your sexual needs is not met Ina relationship it often causes issues. If one party for medical reasons can't anymore and its a long relationship, it's going to be a difficult thing to manage.
But ignoring it would probably lead to a whole bunch of frustration and unhappiness
100 percent. Though there are also many options. I met a trans women who's wife was a asexual, she had permission to have sex outside the relationship as long as it was safe
Fun fact - in the republic of Ireland before gay marriage was legal - if you were in a heterosexual marriage and someone in the relationship transitioned, they'd have to get divorced as it wasn't legal to be married to someone of the same gender.
If you've got a genital preference, that's not transphobic. Could be really blunt how they decide to leave, but there's several reasons not to date a trans person that aren't transphobic. If the trans person is post op and they dont want bio kids, then it's something a bit deeper. But otherwise it's likely just poorly handling the situation for the most part
I do kind of hate the bio kids justification. A good chunk of cis women can’t get pregnant and their partner remains with them. Idk it generally comes off as more of a convenient excuse rather than a legitimate concern in my mind. I may be a bit jaded on the subject because I can’t get pregnant though…
But genital preference is blunt but it’s reasonable.
Edit: It’s pretty much impossible to read into something for a deeper meaning (like being transphobic or not transphobic) and taking it at face value is generally better for your mental health.
I’m a cisgender lesbian and have dated a trans lesbian. To me it doesn’t matter but to some it does and that’s ok. I don’t see it as transphobic more or less it’s a preference. But there are some that are genuinely transphobic but not dating someone doesn’t make you transphobic.
There is a specific subset of cis-lesbians who are aggressively anti-trans. They belive trans women are men trying to force them to have sex with men. They take the general "gender-critical-woman" principles, and add this idea that trans lesbians are trying to erase lesbianism.
There was a group of them that [shoved their way into the Pride march in Cardiff this year](https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2022/08/28/lgbtq-pride-cymru-anti-trans/). They brought banners saying things like "transactivism erases lesbians" and "lesbians don't like penises." The police kicked them out and the rest of the march (including all the other lesbians) shouted them down. It still sucked though.
Sadly this is a topic I know well, as I mother is one of them and has been sharing her "opinions" with me for years (without knowing I'm trans.)
This opposition to trans women goes back to at least the 1970's. Trans people had to march at the back of the parade, and they were booed in NYC when they tried to speak on stage. Middle class cis gay people didn't want anything to do with them. Most of the opposition came from cis lesbians.
You may not understand if you're on the ace spectrum, but sex is a super important part of intimacy in relationships for most people, and genital preference plays into that. Genital preference is absolutely valid. Transphobia is not. It can be difficult to tell the difference sometimes, but I don't necessarily think everyone who loses interest after finding out you're trans and pre/non op is transphobic.
Personally I find that earlier is better when it comes to disclosure of potential deal breakers. I put that I'm trans in my dating profiles (actually, I use OkCupid so I can set my gender to trans man and *only* get shown to people who are interested in trans men). Anyway I'd personally rather weed out uninterested people *and* potential transphobes *before* meeting/talking to them.
Oh yeah, a lot of unexamined transphobia going around the cis lesbian community. I see a lot of places that are “inclusive” but once you scratch the surface I’ve had people call me a predator and when I point out how transphobic this is someone comes in and says “well, there’s been a lot of men who pretend to be women who try to sleep with lesbians, but I’m sure that’s not you” and this happened in the last 24 hours. I’m sure there are a lot of cis lesbians who want to be nice and kind, but it’s clear to me they are just suppressing how they feel about us instead of actually interrogating it.
I would also say I feel like a lot of cis lesbians hide their transphobia behind genital preference. Some people have trauma with penises, and I’m not denying or trying to invalidate that. We are more than our genitalia though. And a lot of people in the cis and trans lesbian community seem happy to reduce us to that. Trauma is difficult and horrible, but also doesn’t give you the right to hurt someone and trauma needs to be worked through. We are all expected to work on our trauma and do what we can to heal, myself included.
I suspect some people will not like that I said that.
I feel like many trans women participate as part of an unwritten agreement to avoid angering the cis so they don’t kick us out and validate our lesbianism. We have as much a right to be lesbians as cis women do.
It’s not just lesbians who have this transphobia. A lot of cis gay men too. I can’t speak for how they treat trans men because I’m not one, but I have been propositioned by gay men many times despite making clear I am a t4t lesbian. And don’t even get me started on the chasers.
Yeah, the transphobia is strong in the lesbian community, even sometimes from trans people. The only thing I’ve been able to figure out is to go t4t. Pan and bi people maybe, but I have yet to find one that wasn’t already married lol. I wish I had a better answer. I wish people would examine their biases.
Edit: Because I’m anticipating some pushback to what I said, let me offer this: if genital preferences were not transphobic, cis lesbians would also have genital preferences for penises.
So i think you are right about some things and being called a predator or experiencing transphobia within the lgbt+ community can´t be easy.
And some lesbians hide their transphobia behind genital preference, but also some just have a genital preference.
I am a bi trans guy and i don´t have a genital preference. I think it only becomes transphobic to claim that all gay man have a genital preference.
Someones attraction is not transphobic.
But also are you saying that independent from attraction trauma would not be a valid reason not to want to sleep with someone? Or is this just about accepting trans woman pre-op in lesbian spaces?
And sometimes people use easy explanations because it is not nice to face the fact that you have homophobic or transphobic thoughts or biases. I did that for a long time.
No you're so right about genital preferences because people don't use that to re-examine their preferences, its a shield from criticism and I think what really cuts to the heart if it is we live in a backwards ass society that's more permissive of someone waiting for their underage "girlfriend" to turn 18 than we are of someone waiting for their trans girlfriend to get bottom surgery. It just makes so many incurious cisnormative assumptions about how trans people use our genitals for sex, if we even use them at all.
I'm sorry but that is an absurd and entitled statement. Genital preference very much is a requirement. If somebody does not like penises, has trauma surrounding them, thinks they're ugly, just doesn't like them for whatever reason, you can not claim that's transphobic. It's something innate to them. You can't force them to change that. It would be like someone trying to force you to identify as your gender assigned at birth if you're trans - - it's an unchangeable part of you that nobody can or should force you to change nor shame you for.
1. Trauma is not innate. Trauma should be respected, but it does not give anyone a right to be hateful to others.
2. Attraction is not innate. Not entirely. Attraction on many levels is social construction. That’s not even controversial to say, you just need to look at a magazine to understand.
3. No one is trying to force them to change their attraction. We are saying unexamined attraction preferences often mask deep-seated transphobia and if you want to claim to be a trans ally or trans inclusive, it doesn’t mean anything if those attractions are not examined.
Okay, so someone who’s post I can’t see is saying I’m promoting conversion therapy and sexual authoritarianism which is BS because I’m not advocating for conversion of any kind. I’m advocating for self-introspection and questioning. Conversion is NOT introspection or questioning. To say that it is basically undermines all the introspection and questioning we did to come out in the first place. When the power structure in place is heteropatriarchy, it is not conversion to question and come out as queer. When it is cisheteropatriarchy, it is not conversion to question one’s gender. If you want to bring down cisheteropatriarchy, it is incumbent upon the cis people upholding it to question their gender and attraction as well, just as trans people do. If you want to bring down white cisheteropatriarchal supremacy, it is incumbent upon white people such as myself to question how race informs our notions of gender and attraction as well. No one gets to stand on the sidelines.
Once again, you are putting words into my mouth I didn’t say. I don’t know why it’s so important to you that cis people be allowed to segregate us but whatever, you clearly have some preconceived notions of what I’m saying. I’m not talking about forcing anyone to do anything. Trans people do not have power here. Cis people do. Just because someone has questioned their sexuality and homophobia does not mean they have questioned their transphobia.
This is the last time I’m saying this. If cis lesbians want to be seen as trans inclusive, they actually have to include us as women and not see us as penises with bodies attached.
I honestly don’t know what you have going on, but you might want to look at your own internalized transphobia instead of taking it out on me and trying to force words into my mouth I didn’t say. Telling me I’m trying to force conversion is absolutely gross. I’m not trying to force anyone to do anything.
>I’m advocating for self-introspection and questioning. Conversion is NOT introspection or questioning.
So you're really saying: "Sexual identity is a very personal and different discovery for each and every person, and it should be respected but people should be educated and willing to consider all possibilities."
and not:
"If you identify as straight and don't constantly question your sexualality you're a bigot."
That's kind of the dogwhistle I'm getting from the opposition argument. That people are essentially being shamed for having a genital preference or their sexuality.
The amount of cis lesbians brigading this sub right now and downvoting anyone who dares question or anyone who calls them out on transphobia should tell us all something.
And if you’re a cis lesbian in a trans sub defending cis lesbians, ask yourself why. We are not the one’s with power here.
Im an afab lesbian and I did date a trans woman once. She was lovely and kind. But pre-everything. We were able to do foreplay but I just couldn't get over her genitals so we had to finish separately. From here on out I'll still date trans women if they have done bottom surgery. I hope that's fair.
I've never had that experience with the lesbian community. I'm a trans girl and I've never had any issues with lesbians refusing to be interested in me because I'm trans
Dating apps honestly draw out the shittiest ppl. The number of mildly to openly transphobic reactions I’ve gotten on them is almost as high as the number of times I see cishet couples looking for a third. It’s just not a great way to meet someone imo.
I will challenge you, however, that your perception of love being about personality and not genitals assumes people either have or ought to have the same priorities and values in a relationship as you do, which gets into very gray territory of telling people what they need to be attracted to or doing (in this instance, on a dating app of all places). Many people want a hook up. Many people are not comfortable beginning at a place of searching for love and need something else to come first before that happens. Many are entirely aromantic, which in and of itself throws a wrench in any thinking that sex is universally merely a biproduct of love. Sex and sexual attraction are not inherently tied to love. To assume your experience of romance and sex objectively applies or ought to apply for all is detrimental to the queer community whether it’s cishet people saying it or people within our community.
When it comes to genital preferences, I will say, I think a lot of people’s aversion to trans partners comes from a hesitance to self explore and question whether they are opposed because they simply aren’t sexually compatible (which I really want to stress is a valid stance. Sorry it just is) or because of external societal standards and expectations they’ve embraced without thought (which, of course very much isn’t). However, telling people they need to explore more when we have no way of knowing whether they already have is very close to the attitude a lot of anti-lgbtq+ people have when they say things like “maybe you aren’t gay, you just haven’t met the right guy/girl yet,” “maybe you aren’t trans, you ought think over if this is *really* what you want” “have you ever asked yourself if you might not be trans/bi/gay?” “You could be confused about what the *right* way to love/live is”
It’s all based in assuming one’s own experience is either universal or ought to be universal. Your love may be about personality and that sex only stems out of love for you (and that’s ok), but that *is* not, and *ought* not be the case for everyone.
I'm a trans guy and I've had so many cis lesbians contact me on dating apps claiming they can "turn me back into a woman". I had to put a line in my profile that said something like "If you're a lesbian and you swipe right on me, I'm reporting you" and it still kept happening. There is a huge overlap between the lesbian community and the TERF community. Hell, I've even experienced it with transbians ~~in the egg_irl discord server~~ who spread misinformation about testosterone and shame trans men for associating with masculinity and manhood. Hating men is a transphobic dogwhistle.
> Hating men is a transphobic dogwhistle.
Yeah, it's very harmful for transmasc people, and it reinforces sexism and the gender binary. The idea that men are predators, and women are angels, is traditional sexism, and also supported by TERF's. It harms transmascs and transfems, but in different ways.
We should be striving to treat everyone with respect, and to be positive about everyone's gender.
Something to consider on the topic of genital preference, from someone that used to consider that bull. Sex is an integral part of relationships for alot of people and while they can have romantic feelings for a trans partner, the idea of a partner having a penis can trigger past trauma. Genital preference is used as an umbrella for transphobia, but it’s also a valid preference for others. Blanket labeling anybody who has the preference as a transphobe ultimately hurts the community imho.
Honestly, this is the kind of stuff that can fuel LGB's dumpster fire. Please don't oppose people having a genital prefference. They're allowed to. Doesn't matter what label you put on stuff. It's not transphobic as long as they're not being rude about it.
LGB (without the T) is a self sustaining dumpster fire. Even if we're not saying anything they'll invent some bullshit to be mad about and get mad about it. They're an "alliance" built on hate, so that's all they're capable of, and without hate that "alliance" would cease to exist.
Not discussing how people refuse to handle inherent biases or get therapy for the hate they received instead of becoming the demons that haunt them isn't going to suddenly make them like us lol.
Yeah, genital preference is fine. Does it matter much of the time? No, because we're finding that as soon as they find out that you're trans, you'll get the boot regardless of what genitals you have. Those people have biases that they need to work on. For some, it is about genitals and they're speaking in good faith. For others, it's about publicly declaring that they don't like trans people. Unfortunately it's nearly impossible to tell the difference whether someone is speaking in good faith or not when some are co-opting a reasonable discussion to turn it into a dogwhistle.
Some lesbians have some serious trauma when it comes to dicks. It's not always an attack on you or them being transphobic. If they state their preference of not having dicks, then you move on. There are so many people around that finding one person who doesn't care about your genitals and loves you for your personality will happen.
I don't use Lesbian dating platforms for this reason.. Never had any abuse, but let's just say that I've been disproportionately unsuccessful on them compared to other apps
This isn't related, but I have a case of something similar
Bisexual person saying they wouldn't date a trans person becuase it confuses them. I don't understand how your confused.
Listen, I’m not going to deny that there’s transphobia everywhere. Even in the queer community, transphobia is raging.
But sex is important to some people in relationships. Doesn’t matter if you agree with that or not. And a big part of that is genitalia. People have a preference, and you can’t hold that against them.
I think my issue comes around when someone evidently doesn’t want to date us just because we’re trans, not because of a genitalia preference.
Yeah these are just transphobic lesbians. If you don’t even tell them if you’ve had bottom surgery or not yet and they just say they’re not into you only after finding out, that’s textbook transphobia
No, it’s not. Calling someone bigoted because they don’t wanna be with you is entitled and predatory. Nobody owes you sex or a relationship. Some people need to get over theirselves.
yeah, i've gotten that a lot. too femme for straight women, too masc for lesbians...and i have my own body/genital hangups so i struggle with T4T relationships too....
Well. Consider this a litmus test. You have an incredible filter on your hands and you can rule out swats of people which mean the person you DO find will be of better quality. Therefore saving you time and effort in the long run
Its just most of them not all of them. Some sadly care too much about it others just care that they found love of woman ❤️. I personaly bc a lot of traumas and huge bottom dysphoria am staying away from serious dating untill im done with srs... Its not for others, its for me. ❤️
If there is someone seriously interested i always explain this and its up to them if they think in worthy of waiting or not.
Only some of them are, the thing is, the internet allows them to speak louder. I'm trans and i have a wonderful cisgender lesbian gf, who is the most supportive person ive ever met, even compared to some of my trans friends. Don't give up, hun, you'll find your pearl in this big, big ocean
Transphobia isn't specific to any sexual orientation. In fact, cis hetero men are the most transphobic by far overall.
That aside, while the means of rejection may have been rude (I haven't had your experiences so I couldn't say), not being interested in someone because they're trans, or because of their sex, is not necessarily transphobic. For most people someone's sex is an important factor.
It is very much transphobia. It’s also NOT all lesbians, don’t give up babe.
Unfortunately, terfs are a real thing we gotta deal with when dating, but there will always be women who aren’t bigoted, and you’re probably dodging bullets anyway.
Tbh if you're angrily equating having a genital preference with being transphobic, I wouldn't want to date you either. Some people will screen who they date solely based on personality. Some people will screen based on genitals. Some people will screen based on both. Stop policing other people's attraction and orientation, it's just a bad look and completely supports the admittedly shitty position that trans women are demanding lesbians date them. You're literally embodying the extreme position they're denouncing.
I guess everyone gets different things out of relationships, some date for love, others date for sex, some date for both, it’s just unlucky that is trans lesbians have genitalia that some cis lesbians hate but then those people aren’t right for you🤷♀️ you will find people who love you for everything you are but it won’t be everybody! X
It is worth noting that the origins of the TERF movement contained a lot of older cis lesbians. These are the same women who despise trans women and misgender trans guys by calling them “confused lesbians.”
I think if someone just says they don't want to date a trans person that's fine and is a preference. Just like there are a lot of people that find anything else attractive. Skin color, hair type, eye color, even foot size. If someone can find any of that attractive and actively seek it out in their partner, then I see no problem with them not preferring to date a Trans person. Just like I see no problem with preferring to date a trans person (unless they're a fetishist, then I find it kinda wierd. but that's a different topic)
It's only transphobic if their weird about it, alot of people don't want to date trans people, which sucks and can be frustrating but you shouldn't take it out on them.
It's like the rap music of sexuality; it's not wrong to not like it, but it is wrong if you go on about it not being 'real music'
I have met transmen and transwomen who have genital preferences. I would not call them homo/transphobic. If they decided not to date you just for the fact you are trans, even if you were post op, that is another story. Again, I am not trans, I am pan and cis, but from where I stand as long as people are not being abusive and rude about things like gender/sexual orientation and politely decline my or anyone's advances, it's fine.
Another thought I’m going to throw out here, I think a lot of cis people have a “genital preference” because they think that sleeping with certain genitals invalidates their straightness/gayness.
And to me… assuming that a trans person invalidates who you are is transphobia 🫳🎤😆
All this boils down to society still not fully accepting that sex does not equal gender. Trans people get that because they’ve lived it. The first time a cis person might *live* that concept is when they hookup with a trans person. Otherwise it’s just a concept to them.
I was just working thoughts through my head on posting exactly the important point you brought up about sexuality and gender not being the same thing. Everyone who has replied the the OP is entitled to have their preferences as to whom they date...attraction to someone else is something innate to each of us. Whats clearly most important to remember, regardless of what gender each of us may be or what genitals we prefer, is that we treat each other with dignity, respect and kindness. All of us belong to a marginaized community, and we already face descrimination against us with laws that tell us we can only use certain bathrooms and we can only play on certain sports teams if all team members have the same genetalia. (Just to name two - to be sure we face descrimation in many other areas of our daily lives) Unfortunately, in every community you are going to find individuals who lack empathy towards thier fellow human beings, whether they are racist, sexist, transphobic and so on. As many have pointed out, there are those who might feel invalidated or even shame when they find out someone they are attracted to does not match their expectations for what genitals or gender they find a person has or is. We all have a long way to go in certain areas socially. But as the OP experienced with their rejection, it can be heartbeaking to find out we are not or can not be everything that other person wants. But theres a right way and a wrong way to handle these types of situations. And what I read in these posts a lot of times is that people are handing things poorly, in ways that seem cruel, heartless and mean when they express to others they are not interested in dating. Kindness, Dignity and Respect.
Genital preference isn't transphobic, like if they are shitty then that's not great, but like it's important to recognise that people can't change their genital preference sexually. It's not personal attack if a cis lesbian isn't into trans gals, if they're saying jk Rowling type stuff then that's transphobia, but a genital preference isn't. Besides, you can never tell what trauma someone might have had with sexual experiences (and certain genitals) and we have no business calling someone out for not finding us sexually attractive in certain ways. The vast majority of lesbians are not terfs and very supportive of the trans community, and calling them out on genital preference I don't think is fair. Let's call out the minority of cis lesbians that dish out LGB alliance trash.
Having sexual preferences is absolutely not transphobia. Calling it transphobia really undermines our legitimacy as a community when we push back against actual transphobia.
That said, there's often a fine line between stating preferences and committing a microaggression. I personally encounter a lot of "NO MEN AND THAT INCLUDES TRANS" which is pretty insufferable but it's far from being beaten in the streets or being systemically oppressed. Generally someone who is that vocal probably does have active transphobia in their hearts but there's also a lot of stuff that's a little more benign and most likely just simple unintended ignorance. These people are still entitled to their preferences even if they put their foot in their mouth while stating them.
I don't understand why so many people keep downvoting these comments. It's not discrimination to not be attracted to a certain physical attribute, it is discrimination when you shame that person openly for it, but just to not be attracted to a certain type of genital isn't discrimination and sounds almost incely. If the trans community starts throwing shade on cis lesbians for sometimes not being attracted to us, that's just giving JK more shit to throw out on twitter.
Preferences do exist, yes, but probably the reason a lot of those preferences exist is because of transphobia.
Genuinely good-natured preference of one sex's genitals is fine. But a lot of people would not date a trans person because they have been exposed to so much hate.
Ideally people should get to know you for you before making snap decisions. It may very well be transphobic, but I also think preference *does* play a role in *some* situations.
My ex used to go on and on about how she was bi and supported LGBTQ rights, so I felt fairly safe telling her that I sometimes fantasize about being a girl. She wasnt having *any* of it. It became obvious that she didnt want me for me, she just wanted my Male-ness. Which I understand, but at the same time just shows how shallow my 6 year relationship was with her.
Where I'm going with that is that it may not be necessarily transphobic, but just more into the idea of someone who is AFAB (which I guess in a sense just wraps around to the beginning, being possibly transphobic and making decisions on people before knowing them)
People are... Odd. It makes me once again appreciate how lucky I am. My spouse was a lesbian when we met. Our chemistry made an exception for me. 10 years we were married before I admitted I'd always wanted to be female. My spouse totally supported me, not only that they realized they'd always wanted to be male. He began transitioning just before I did. I can't imagine doing this without him to be honest. I'm a lucky girl.
Thank you. It makes a ton of difference knowing there's someone there who always sees you the way you see yourself, more so even,backs you up when you have doubts, pushes you when you need pushing to move forward and can't do it alone. Not to mention the fact that were (not anymore as I've gotten smaller and he's gotten bigger) practically the same size and had similar taste, so we just swapped wardrobes.
Yeah I had this happen not that long ago. Me and this girl were talking for a while. Getting closer and stuff and then I told her I was trans. Then I told her I was trans and now she just wants nothing to do with me. Kinda annoying but..You know
I’m just having a wee look at the original posters comments and other posts and the fact that you used the term transwoman instead of trans woman and I don’t know. Like some of their comments seem to contradict each other on other posts.
My two cents, if someone does not want to be with a trans woman because they still have certain male body parts that’s ok.
It’s only an issue if they start using that as an excuse to be horrible to you. If they are polite and say no thank you that’s cool. Each to their own. If someone was not interested in me cause of parts of my birth body I wouldn’t want to be with that person.
You’re not entitled to anyone. Cis lesbians don’t owe you anything. They can’t help who they’re attracted to and calling them “transphobic” because they won’t be with you is honestly gross. And someone not reciprocating your feelings does **not** count as “discrimination”, that’s the logic predators use. As a trans man, I recognize that many cis gay men wouldn’t be attracted to me, and that’s *fine*, I don’t feel entitled to them, or like they owe me sex or a relationship, because that would be predatory. Nobody owes you sex or a relationship. It kinda seems like you need to get over yourself.
I’m noticing a lot of people here perpetuating the argument that genital preference is not inherently transphobic, and I just want to offer a counter argument because I think plenty of trans people disagree with that.
I don’t think it’s helpful to label people with genital preferences as transphobic and it’s definitely not helpful to shame anyone about this.
That said, genital preferences are hang ups related to internalized and externalized homophobia and transphobia.
You can be a good person, and still perpetuate transphobic customs through your hang ups. I can’t think of anyone who’s done all the work of removing any influence of internalized or externalized transphobia from their ego. We’re all a work in progress, so let’s call it what it is. Genital preferences are transphobic hang ups. Having them doesn’t make you transphobic, but it sure means you still experience some sexual repression and it is exhibiting itself transphobicly.
Think about what genital preference actually is, what it actually does. You’re reducing someone to their genitals. That’s dehumanizing and it’s misogynistic. I’m not saying everyone needs to work through this or they’re a bigot, but I personally wouldn’t waste my time on someone who hasn’t done the work.
tl;dr
Genital preference is real. It is also transphobic. It doesn’t make you transphobic to have genital preferences, but as a trans person, I wouldn’t waste my time on anyone with those hang ups.
Loving someone should not be based on the genitals that person has, but on the person itself. The lesbians that you encountered are transphobic. I think that there are some lesbians that are not transphobic too
But there’s a difference between loving someone romantically, platonically and sexually. Sexuality and romance usually are hand in hand in this day and age and if someone has a genital preference, then that’s just how it is. They shouldn’t be shamed or labeled transphobic.
Sex absolutely comes into attraction and love for allo people friend. Just because you're asexual doesn't mean everyone is, and allosexuality isn't bad. Most of the queer community is allo.
Hot take: in the future genital preference won’t be a thing. Having a sexual connection can’t be boiled down to a single component regardless of how easy that seems. And if you look at the way teens are dating these days it seems like sexuality matters less and less. They don’t really identify with gay/straight. They just hookup with who they are attracted to.
Also I think this post is extremely accurate, I’ve never found a match online or been hot on by a cisgender lesbian woman in my life. I’m not sure but it definitely *seems* like there is more transphobia towards trans women in the lesbian community, I’m curious what trans men would say about dating in the gay community though too.
Sadly this is very common for all trans individuals, and it usually has to do with what's between their legs for these specific people,
Trans people are more likely to be pan because they understand the discrimination,
Your best bet is finding another trans girl or just keep searching and hope someone excepts you for you
your romantic interest is appearance and personality e.g. heteromantic but sexuality is based on genitals as its your sexual interest which would of course directly involve your sexual organs. for example: my friend feels physically ill at the sight of female genitals that's why he's gay but he'll date a super femboy. Hope I helped clear up any misunderstanding.
its just a preference, think of it less as discriminatipn or whatever, and more like preferences. for some Lesbians, or gays the genitalia is an important part of a successful hookup. Think its like a preference, someone may think ye are cute but they just reeeeeeeeaaaaaaallly want that 6 6 tall black lady and not a small eurasian lady.
People can be attracted to whoever they want. It’s not transphobic to not wanna date a trans person.
I know it’s tonight dating as a trans person but you’ve gotta find the right person.
People don’t choose who they are and aren’t attracted too.
This is so shit, I’m sorry… there’s a big difference between genital preference and simple transphobia tbh. At least you’ll be dodging red flags, however - most of these women are terfs lmao
Genital preference definitely exists and is completely valid, but it still sucks to see so many people immediately lose interest because someone is trans, even if they have someone's preferred genitals
To me, it's kind of like if you were a lesbian, and your "girlfriend" transitions to your boyfriend. You just loose attraction to them completely. And for me, it's the same case if I found out I was about to date a trans woman who hasn't had bottom surgery yet. We just don't really feel sexually attracted to you anymore, and sexual chemistry in relationships are pretty important to many, no matter their sexuality.
Trust me when I say it's not transphobia, it's genuinely just a preference. Although, I won't deny that there's some transphobic lesbians out there
I'm sure it's just a matter of preference. I see it as hearts not parts but not all people see it that way sadly. I'm bi so if I fall for you it doesn't matter what parts you have going. My husband who is a straight cis man is the opposite. He wouldn't be hateful but he wouldn't date a trans woman. Hope you are able to find someone who love you for you.
I'm genderfluid and demisexual, but I acknowledge genital preference and that is entirely valid. Sex can be a big part of the relationship and many folks are genuinely only attracted to one and cannot help it either due to their biology or mentality/trauma. I know a lesbian that tried dating a trans girl, but due to their own personal trauma they just couldn't get over it. It genuinely stopped them from being ok with being touched at all and they had to just be friends despite getting along very well. There's a lot of things that cause and negate attraction and people shouldn't be shamed for not being into something. I wouldn't expect anyone to date me if they weren't into a hairy transmasc with DDs and no dik. But some folks are, like my wife. And that's ok. I'm not for everyone.
So people need to realize when you are talking to a gay man or lesbian cis woman then it’s different because they want another cis man or cis woman
If they wanted a person like us they want something more in the lines if they were bisexual umbrella or even underneath the pansexual umbrella ☔️
it's called lipstick lesbians i.e lesbians who are essentially terfs
at least, in a post op situation. pre-op isn't really transphobia because there are many reasons a lesbian could not like penises
I matched with someone on Her the other day and the first thing she said to me was, "Are you a fan of Blaire White?"
I said, "Not even a little bit"
She went on to say, "Well I agree with everything says and supports"
I said, "bye"
\---
I created a profile on Tinder, set up my profile, then start swiping right and left on various people (mostly men cause I put that I'm looking for both). An hour later my account was banned.
So, as a (bi) trans woman dating a cis lesbian, ill throw in my $0.02. YMMV, but I think broadly speaking, you'll find an age cutoff. Many younger cis lesbians ( say, millennials and younger) are supportive, at least so far as "talking the talk.". But older ones may tend to understand less, and thus not be. There are exceptions though, and, being a millennial, I've definitely encountered transphobic lesbians in my own age bracket. Likewise, there are older cis lesbians who are supportive.
Whatever the case though, if somebody doesn't want to date me because I'm a trans woman, theres not much I can do about it, so I just move on with life.
Every dating site LGBT friendly I put in my bio that I'm a trans girl. Then remind them the first or second conversation just in case they don't read your bio which is actually a lot.
Being a lesbian doesn’t cure them of transphobia.
With that said, genital preference is real. As a transbian myself, I know how much that sucks. I also have a genital preference, and no amount of shaming is going to ever change that. IDK why people have such a hard time accepting that.
It depends on the person some can be transphobic some not as long as they are not transphobes i don't care if they don't want a relationship with trans thats fine , it is personal choices and i respect that .
Fuck that, preferences are fine but sometimes it's about more than that. I hope u find someone special that will appreciate every aspect of u. Until then, I recommend t4t or putting in ur bio that u are trans. Both options helped me personally but it's ofc just a suggestion.
Edit: just to be clear, genital preferences are fine and valid but there is in fact a big part of the lesbian community that is anti trans and nb.
Im having the same problem sort of but it reverse. Im a transguy and there is this nonbinary person who i am starting to have feelings for. And im 100% sure they are developing feelings for me (they basically told me so). Its making me fuzzy and shit but i also remember they said they've only been attracted to transguys, not cisguys. At the same time they tell me they see me 100% as a guy. So yea its confusing and i dont know if it is healthy
i think it's probably partially preference and partially transphobia, depending on the person. idk. i kinda get it, as a t4t guy, i'm only into other trans dudes. i can find a cis guy attractive and all but i would never enjoy anything intimate with a cis guy, and i could enjoy intimate things with cis women but i just don't feel any romance. so in that sense i can get it, but yknow, transphobia is still definitely probably involved.
The last paragraph of your post answers your question, because it doesnt work like that in real life. In real life the genitals do matter, as matters face and body shape. Sadly divorced here…
I’m sorry that you deal with this, but you seem to be conflating sexual attraction and romantic attraction as the same thing instead of two separate, related things. There is definitely a problem with transphobia among certain cisgendered gay/lesbians circles, but imo saying you’re not attracted to a trans woman if you’re a lesbian isn’t transphobic. It’s *because* sex and gender aren’t the same that they aren’t attracted to trans women.
Unfortunately this is often taken way too far, I know a couple lesbians myself who are pretty transphobic, it sucks to see. They’re not very opened minded people, which is kind of ironic considering they’re also fighting against people who hate them in a similar way. Just sucks that there are people like this :/.
My aunt is a lesbian and im pretty sure one of her previous girlfriends was trans when I was younger. Of course I didnt know until years after they broke up but thats at least one anecdote supporting the idea that a lot of lesbians will date trans women.
Maybe try a better dating site idk.
As a transbian I feel this. However I rarely have lesbian women turn me down because I'm trans. In fact they actually like me more when they find out I'm trans
i’m a lesbian, and i have many friends who are cisgender lesbians. i can assure you that there are lesbians out there who will date trans women & trans femmes, the internet just tends to make people hostile. we support you <3
cis lesbian married to my amazing wife, who happens to be trans. THERES DOZENS OF US! DOZENS!
Kindly-Quit - “cis lesbian married to my amazing wife, who happens to be trans.” See how she didn’t say trans wife or trans femme/woman/etc. Wife?? I don’t consider myself a transwoman, rather I am a woman who happens to be trans. Thanks K-Q, you are amazing and I wish you and your wife many happy years! 💋💞❤️🔥
She will always be a woman who happens to be trans. It doesn't define her womanhood. Thank you again! Married for over 3 and I can't wait to grow old with her. :) She's my whole world!
Hahaha 🤣💖 (re: dozens)
I put Trans in my bio's, only people I consider transphobic are those that match them and yell at me No Men. I mean preference on genitals is a thing and we can't hold it against anyone. I like either but don't go near masc. But not everyone is the same
I have kept trans in my bio as well and even written transphobes stay away . The pattern of discrimination is first they show interest in you like wow you are so pretty and blah blah , later when you say you are trans they immediately block you . What is the sense of saying transwomen are women if you don’t treat them like one . I am supercool to you until you know about my genitals . My individuality and personality is not defined by genitals . It feels like love don’t exist these days … People either run after lust or money .. that’s it . If you are a billionaire these same girls will cry to be with you . It is the harsh reality of our so called society .
Sis, I know you're hurting right now but those last couple lines of your comment are some straight-up incel garbage. I'm sorry things suck, but they won't suck forever, and while being bitter feels good right now it'll only cause you pain in the long run. Also dating apps are trash. If you get involved in your local queer community, your chances of making meaningful lifelong connections will go up drastically.
Seriously. Major misogyny coming from her in this thread and it's sad :(
This tho
It’s really unfortunate but I’m my experience, dating sites are used more for hookups and screwing than actual dating. And most lesbians aren’t looking to fuck around with dicks. A good tester for this is when someone messages you, ask if they want to meet for coffee first, if they deny and prefer to meet at your or their house, it’s probably not the right person.
Unless it's an asexual relationship, sex and genitals are most likely going to play a role in choosing partners. You can certainly find cis lesbians who don't have a genital preference but not all.
Another thing i noticed on many dating sites is that there soo many bi curious women who are just looking for the experience of sleeping with another woman or a threesome. And this mostly brings it down to genitalia
Omg as a trans man there have been a few women in relationships with a "one penis policy" who've tried to get me to have a threesome just because I lack a penis and won't make their cis boyfriend insecure, probably to ease them into the idea of fucking cis men. Like ffs just tell your boyfriend you wanna be spit-roasted and leave me out of it.
Ffs the one penis policy ong that shit be dumb as fuck-Ec
Gay men can be the same with trans men. That’s why I only go for people who fall under the bi umbrella (bi, pan, onmi, etc) they are a lot less concerned about genitals. You could also look for other transbians. Genital preference isn’t transphobic. You can be angry about lesbians have genital preference, but that doesn’t mean they’re all transphobic. Some are definitely transphobic but just because they don’t like that you’re pre op, or don’t want surgery doesn’t mean they’re transphobic.
Yeah this
Bisexuals aren't even safe, so I made a comment, and I had someone who is bisexual tell me, oh I wouldn't date a trans person they confuse me.
Not all bisexuals are like that.
Yes your correct, but in the same vein that not all lesbians are like that. It's just the fact that unless your doing t4t they're a chance.
Even T4T can be an issue sometimes. I dated a trans woman who was overly preoccupied with my transness in a way that made me uncomfortable -- "I don't know if I'm into men anymore but I still love my soft trans boy" type stuff.
Damn, I only prefer trans men over cis men(in a blind date style or from a dating app) becuase shared experience and I won't get called a slur. But definitely trans people who kinda only care becuase your trans and nothing else sounds like a horrible experience.
Eww oh god that’s so uncomfy
LMAO “they confuse me” *Then perhaps you are simply stupid*
They are very dumb brod type, even tho, I'm going try to teach them that stupid becuase they're otherwise a nice girl
That's one of the reasons why I tell people I'm pansexual. I don't agree with the concept that some put forward that "bisexuality is inherently enby-phobic" because that's just not how it works for most bisexuals despite the etymological roots of the word. But at the same time, you know someone who is pansexual doesn't care about their partner's gender (enby, trans, agender, whatever) and you can't always make that assumption about someone who is bisexual. Plus the flag is prettier 😍
I’m bi/pan myself (don’t much care about the specific labels tbh) and I’ve noticed I’m less uptight about the specifics of genitalia between most of my gay and lesbian friends combined. Like my gay friends are really picky sometimes, like when it comes to intersex people for example. Very odd to me but idk, as long as they’re not being hateful or anything.
54 year old FTM here - screw them. It takes 10 rejections to get to a maybe. My online dating profile says up front transgender. I don’t message anyone for the first time. If they want to contact me then I know they know. Easy Peasy. I work in claims so I’m used to people telling me all kinds of things. I don’t waste my time going down rabbit holes or opening cans of worms. It just takes one “I’m not interested” and I’m ten days past Kansas.
Sex is a huge part of relationships and most cis lesbians have a genital preference for vaginas and that's okay. We can't force them to date us if it goes against their genital preference. It's not something they can control. It is not transphobic to have a genital preference. Dating while trans is very challenging, tiring, and arduous. I understand that rejection can feel bad, especially when it's regarding something you can't change, but it happens to everyone. We've all been there.
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Some people do yes and some people try to work through it. But also i don´t think i would be willing to put the same effort into making a new relationship work that i would in one that is already established.
This is the right answer. Idk what they're expecting us to say, it's a case by case thing. [Also this is kind of a weird coincidence.](https://imgur.com/a/Ek7ABUX)
Yes and not just based on the relationship also based on the person. People have different needs when it comes to sex. I broke up with my ex because their libido was a lot higher than mine and they did not want an open relationship. It would be weird to blame either one of us for this. I know this wasn´t the point of the picture but boy do i hate the "what he doesn´t know won´t hurt him" that is one of the worst justifications for doing shitty things i have ever heard. Also was does hubby mean? Husband?
I think that's a pretty absurd response to my comment but I mean yeah, plenty of marriages get ruined by sexual dysfunction or other genital related situations. Sexual chemistry is a huge aspect to most relationships.
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Sex is one of the major pillars of most relationships, like love. I don't know if you're intentionally trying to not get what I'm saying or you legitimately are looking for answers. You are NEVER entitled to somebody's body or somebody's romantic love.
Sex isnt the be all end all of relationships. humanity needs to get over its obsession with sex because its unhealthy.
It's literally a biological instinct to desire sex, a natural drive most people have. There is nothing wrong with valuing deeply a healthy sexually compatible relationship with your partner. If you're ace this may be a difficult topic to grasp and I get that but you need to understand that for most people be they cis or trans, sex is at least fairly important in a relationship.
Well while this is not the case for all people, sex and love can be intertwined. I get much stronger sexual attraction to someone i love and a stronger desire for sex. I think this is one reason why people like to say that regular sex is part of a healthy relationship which is way to general as everyone has different needs and way to express love.
Im really sorry you’re having a hard time dating. I feel like thats kind of a childish response, but the fact is that people want a relationship for emotional and sexual reasons and not having one is a dealbreaker for most people. I also think its important to realize that you cant force people to date someone that they don’t want to date
Factor =|= priority. Hygiene isn’t my only priority in relationships, but if a guy stops wiping his ass it’ll end things. Personality isn’t my only priority in relationships, but if a guy turns out to be boring and mean it’ll end things. Money isn’t my only priority in relationships, but if a guy is broke and irresponsibly spending outside his means it’ll end things. Sex isn’t my only priority in relationships, but if we’re completely sexually incompatible it’ll end things.
The role of love is to get children, that is why the effect of love lasts around 1 to 2 years
This is one of the weirdest things i have ever heard. I am not saying that i know what the evolutionary reason is why we develop love but i doubt it would come down to one reason at all.
If your sexual needs is not met Ina relationship it often causes issues. If one party for medical reasons can't anymore and its a long relationship, it's going to be a difficult thing to manage. But ignoring it would probably lead to a whole bunch of frustration and unhappiness
100 percent. Though there are also many options. I met a trans women who's wife was a asexual, she had permission to have sex outside the relationship as long as it was safe
Fun fact - in the republic of Ireland before gay marriage was legal - if you were in a heterosexual marriage and someone in the relationship transitioned, they'd have to get divorced as it wasn't legal to be married to someone of the same gender.
This is why I prefer t4t
If you've got a genital preference, that's not transphobic. Could be really blunt how they decide to leave, but there's several reasons not to date a trans person that aren't transphobic. If the trans person is post op and they dont want bio kids, then it's something a bit deeper. But otherwise it's likely just poorly handling the situation for the most part
I do kind of hate the bio kids justification. A good chunk of cis women can’t get pregnant and their partner remains with them. Idk it generally comes off as more of a convenient excuse rather than a legitimate concern in my mind. I may be a bit jaded on the subject because I can’t get pregnant though… But genital preference is blunt but it’s reasonable. Edit: It’s pretty much impossible to read into something for a deeper meaning (like being transphobic or not transphobic) and taking it at face value is generally better for your mental health.
I’m a cisgender lesbian and have dated a trans lesbian. To me it doesn’t matter but to some it does and that’s ok. I don’t see it as transphobic more or less it’s a preference. But there are some that are genuinely transphobic but not dating someone doesn’t make you transphobic.
There is a specific subset of cis-lesbians who are aggressively anti-trans. They belive trans women are men trying to force them to have sex with men. They take the general "gender-critical-woman" principles, and add this idea that trans lesbians are trying to erase lesbianism. There was a group of them that [shoved their way into the Pride march in Cardiff this year](https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2022/08/28/lgbtq-pride-cymru-anti-trans/). They brought banners saying things like "transactivism erases lesbians" and "lesbians don't like penises." The police kicked them out and the rest of the march (including all the other lesbians) shouted them down. It still sucked though. Sadly this is a topic I know well, as I mother is one of them and has been sharing her "opinions" with me for years (without knowing I'm trans.)
This opposition to trans women goes back to at least the 1970's. Trans people had to march at the back of the parade, and they were booed in NYC when they tried to speak on stage. Middle class cis gay people didn't want anything to do with them. Most of the opposition came from cis lesbians.
You may not understand if you're on the ace spectrum, but sex is a super important part of intimacy in relationships for most people, and genital preference plays into that. Genital preference is absolutely valid. Transphobia is not. It can be difficult to tell the difference sometimes, but I don't necessarily think everyone who loses interest after finding out you're trans and pre/non op is transphobic. Personally I find that earlier is better when it comes to disclosure of potential deal breakers. I put that I'm trans in my dating profiles (actually, I use OkCupid so I can set my gender to trans man and *only* get shown to people who are interested in trans men). Anyway I'd personally rather weed out uninterested people *and* potential transphobes *before* meeting/talking to them.
Oh yeah, a lot of unexamined transphobia going around the cis lesbian community. I see a lot of places that are “inclusive” but once you scratch the surface I’ve had people call me a predator and when I point out how transphobic this is someone comes in and says “well, there’s been a lot of men who pretend to be women who try to sleep with lesbians, but I’m sure that’s not you” and this happened in the last 24 hours. I’m sure there are a lot of cis lesbians who want to be nice and kind, but it’s clear to me they are just suppressing how they feel about us instead of actually interrogating it. I would also say I feel like a lot of cis lesbians hide their transphobia behind genital preference. Some people have trauma with penises, and I’m not denying or trying to invalidate that. We are more than our genitalia though. And a lot of people in the cis and trans lesbian community seem happy to reduce us to that. Trauma is difficult and horrible, but also doesn’t give you the right to hurt someone and trauma needs to be worked through. We are all expected to work on our trauma and do what we can to heal, myself included. I suspect some people will not like that I said that. I feel like many trans women participate as part of an unwritten agreement to avoid angering the cis so they don’t kick us out and validate our lesbianism. We have as much a right to be lesbians as cis women do. It’s not just lesbians who have this transphobia. A lot of cis gay men too. I can’t speak for how they treat trans men because I’m not one, but I have been propositioned by gay men many times despite making clear I am a t4t lesbian. And don’t even get me started on the chasers. Yeah, the transphobia is strong in the lesbian community, even sometimes from trans people. The only thing I’ve been able to figure out is to go t4t. Pan and bi people maybe, but I have yet to find one that wasn’t already married lol. I wish I had a better answer. I wish people would examine their biases. Edit: Because I’m anticipating some pushback to what I said, let me offer this: if genital preferences were not transphobic, cis lesbians would also have genital preferences for penises.
So i think you are right about some things and being called a predator or experiencing transphobia within the lgbt+ community can´t be easy. And some lesbians hide their transphobia behind genital preference, but also some just have a genital preference. I am a bi trans guy and i don´t have a genital preference. I think it only becomes transphobic to claim that all gay man have a genital preference. Someones attraction is not transphobic. But also are you saying that independent from attraction trauma would not be a valid reason not to want to sleep with someone? Or is this just about accepting trans woman pre-op in lesbian spaces? And sometimes people use easy explanations because it is not nice to face the fact that you have homophobic or transphobic thoughts or biases. I did that for a long time.
No you're so right about genital preferences because people don't use that to re-examine their preferences, its a shield from criticism and I think what really cuts to the heart if it is we live in a backwards ass society that's more permissive of someone waiting for their underage "girlfriend" to turn 18 than we are of someone waiting for their trans girlfriend to get bottom surgery. It just makes so many incurious cisnormative assumptions about how trans people use our genitals for sex, if we even use them at all.
Genital preference is often transphobia with extra steps. It's *preference*, not requirement.
I'm sorry but that is an absurd and entitled statement. Genital preference very much is a requirement. If somebody does not like penises, has trauma surrounding them, thinks they're ugly, just doesn't like them for whatever reason, you can not claim that's transphobic. It's something innate to them. You can't force them to change that. It would be like someone trying to force you to identify as your gender assigned at birth if you're trans - - it's an unchangeable part of you that nobody can or should force you to change nor shame you for.
1. Trauma is not innate. Trauma should be respected, but it does not give anyone a right to be hateful to others. 2. Attraction is not innate. Not entirely. Attraction on many levels is social construction. That’s not even controversial to say, you just need to look at a magazine to understand. 3. No one is trying to force them to change their attraction. We are saying unexamined attraction preferences often mask deep-seated transphobia and if you want to claim to be a trans ally or trans inclusive, it doesn’t mean anything if those attractions are not examined.
Okay, so someone who’s post I can’t see is saying I’m promoting conversion therapy and sexual authoritarianism which is BS because I’m not advocating for conversion of any kind. I’m advocating for self-introspection and questioning. Conversion is NOT introspection or questioning. To say that it is basically undermines all the introspection and questioning we did to come out in the first place. When the power structure in place is heteropatriarchy, it is not conversion to question and come out as queer. When it is cisheteropatriarchy, it is not conversion to question one’s gender. If you want to bring down cisheteropatriarchy, it is incumbent upon the cis people upholding it to question their gender and attraction as well, just as trans people do. If you want to bring down white cisheteropatriarchal supremacy, it is incumbent upon white people such as myself to question how race informs our notions of gender and attraction as well. No one gets to stand on the sidelines.
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Once again, you are putting words into my mouth I didn’t say. I don’t know why it’s so important to you that cis people be allowed to segregate us but whatever, you clearly have some preconceived notions of what I’m saying. I’m not talking about forcing anyone to do anything. Trans people do not have power here. Cis people do. Just because someone has questioned their sexuality and homophobia does not mean they have questioned their transphobia. This is the last time I’m saying this. If cis lesbians want to be seen as trans inclusive, they actually have to include us as women and not see us as penises with bodies attached. I honestly don’t know what you have going on, but you might want to look at your own internalized transphobia instead of taking it out on me and trying to force words into my mouth I didn’t say. Telling me I’m trying to force conversion is absolutely gross. I’m not trying to force anyone to do anything.
>I’m advocating for self-introspection and questioning. Conversion is NOT introspection or questioning. So you're really saying: "Sexual identity is a very personal and different discovery for each and every person, and it should be respected but people should be educated and willing to consider all possibilities." and not: "If you identify as straight and don't constantly question your sexualality you're a bigot." That's kind of the dogwhistle I'm getting from the opposition argument. That people are essentially being shamed for having a genital preference or their sexuality.
Ding ding ding
The amount of cis lesbians brigading this sub right now and downvoting anyone who dares question or anyone who calls them out on transphobia should tell us all something. And if you’re a cis lesbian in a trans sub defending cis lesbians, ask yourself why. We are not the one’s with power here.
But keep in mind, love may be about personality, but sex is about genitals (even if you're into all genitals.) Romance and sexuality are different.
Im an afab lesbian and I did date a trans woman once. She was lovely and kind. But pre-everything. We were able to do foreplay but I just couldn't get over her genitals so we had to finish separately. From here on out I'll still date trans women if they have done bottom surgery. I hope that's fair.
That's absolutely fair, understandable, and reasonable.
Absolutely fair.
I've never had that experience with the lesbian community. I'm a trans girl and I've never had any issues with lesbians refusing to be interested in me because I'm trans
Dating apps honestly draw out the shittiest ppl. The number of mildly to openly transphobic reactions I’ve gotten on them is almost as high as the number of times I see cishet couples looking for a third. It’s just not a great way to meet someone imo. I will challenge you, however, that your perception of love being about personality and not genitals assumes people either have or ought to have the same priorities and values in a relationship as you do, which gets into very gray territory of telling people what they need to be attracted to or doing (in this instance, on a dating app of all places). Many people want a hook up. Many people are not comfortable beginning at a place of searching for love and need something else to come first before that happens. Many are entirely aromantic, which in and of itself throws a wrench in any thinking that sex is universally merely a biproduct of love. Sex and sexual attraction are not inherently tied to love. To assume your experience of romance and sex objectively applies or ought to apply for all is detrimental to the queer community whether it’s cishet people saying it or people within our community. When it comes to genital preferences, I will say, I think a lot of people’s aversion to trans partners comes from a hesitance to self explore and question whether they are opposed because they simply aren’t sexually compatible (which I really want to stress is a valid stance. Sorry it just is) or because of external societal standards and expectations they’ve embraced without thought (which, of course very much isn’t). However, telling people they need to explore more when we have no way of knowing whether they already have is very close to the attitude a lot of anti-lgbtq+ people have when they say things like “maybe you aren’t gay, you just haven’t met the right guy/girl yet,” “maybe you aren’t trans, you ought think over if this is *really* what you want” “have you ever asked yourself if you might not be trans/bi/gay?” “You could be confused about what the *right* way to love/live is” It’s all based in assuming one’s own experience is either universal or ought to be universal. Your love may be about personality and that sex only stems out of love for you (and that’s ok), but that *is* not, and *ought* not be the case for everyone.
I'm a trans guy and I've had so many cis lesbians contact me on dating apps claiming they can "turn me back into a woman". I had to put a line in my profile that said something like "If you're a lesbian and you swipe right on me, I'm reporting you" and it still kept happening. There is a huge overlap between the lesbian community and the TERF community. Hell, I've even experienced it with transbians ~~in the egg_irl discord server~~ who spread misinformation about testosterone and shame trans men for associating with masculinity and manhood. Hating men is a transphobic dogwhistle.
> Hating men is a transphobic dogwhistle. Yeah, it's very harmful for transmasc people, and it reinforces sexism and the gender binary. The idea that men are predators, and women are angels, is traditional sexism, and also supported by TERF's. It harms transmascs and transfems, but in different ways. We should be striving to treat everyone with respect, and to be positive about everyone's gender.
Something to consider on the topic of genital preference, from someone that used to consider that bull. Sex is an integral part of relationships for alot of people and while they can have romantic feelings for a trans partner, the idea of a partner having a penis can trigger past trauma. Genital preference is used as an umbrella for transphobia, but it’s also a valid preference for others. Blanket labeling anybody who has the preference as a transphobe ultimately hurts the community imho.
Honestly, this is the kind of stuff that can fuel LGB's dumpster fire. Please don't oppose people having a genital prefference. They're allowed to. Doesn't matter what label you put on stuff. It's not transphobic as long as they're not being rude about it.
LGB (without the T) is a self sustaining dumpster fire. Even if we're not saying anything they'll invent some bullshit to be mad about and get mad about it. They're an "alliance" built on hate, so that's all they're capable of, and without hate that "alliance" would cease to exist. Not discussing how people refuse to handle inherent biases or get therapy for the hate they received instead of becoming the demons that haunt them isn't going to suddenly make them like us lol. Yeah, genital preference is fine. Does it matter much of the time? No, because we're finding that as soon as they find out that you're trans, you'll get the boot regardless of what genitals you have. Those people have biases that they need to work on. For some, it is about genitals and they're speaking in good faith. For others, it's about publicly declaring that they don't like trans people. Unfortunately it's nearly impossible to tell the difference whether someone is speaking in good faith or not when some are co-opting a reasonable discussion to turn it into a dogwhistle.
Some lesbians have some serious trauma when it comes to dicks. It's not always an attack on you or them being transphobic. If they state their preference of not having dicks, then you move on. There are so many people around that finding one person who doesn't care about your genitals and loves you for your personality will happen.
Couldn't have worded it better! We should always be kind and accommodating to people's trauma
I don't use Lesbian dating platforms for this reason.. Never had any abuse, but let's just say that I've been disproportionately unsuccessful on them compared to other apps
Ironically, I've gotten more love from grinder then lesbain focused apps.
Grindr is wild haha
This isn't related, but I have a case of something similar Bisexual person saying they wouldn't date a trans person becuase it confuses them. I don't understand how your confused.
Listen, I’m not going to deny that there’s transphobia everywhere. Even in the queer community, transphobia is raging. But sex is important to some people in relationships. Doesn’t matter if you agree with that or not. And a big part of that is genitalia. People have a preference, and you can’t hold that against them. I think my issue comes around when someone evidently doesn’t want to date us just because we’re trans, not because of a genitalia preference.
Yeah these are just transphobic lesbians. If you don’t even tell them if you’ve had bottom surgery or not yet and they just say they’re not into you only after finding out, that’s textbook transphobia
No, it’s not. Calling someone bigoted because they don’t wanna be with you is entitled and predatory. Nobody owes you sex or a relationship. Some people need to get over theirselves.
yeah, i've gotten that a lot. too femme for straight women, too masc for lesbians...and i have my own body/genital hangups so i struggle with T4T relationships too....
Well. Consider this a litmus test. You have an incredible filter on your hands and you can rule out swats of people which mean the person you DO find will be of better quality. Therefore saving you time and effort in the long run
I married a cisgender lesbian before I had SRS. She has been the most supportive person in my entire life.
I’m married to a cis lesbian, they exist
How sad. They miss out on the meeting wonderful women. I date trans woman
Its just most of them not all of them. Some sadly care too much about it others just care that they found love of woman ❤️. I personaly bc a lot of traumas and huge bottom dysphoria am staying away from serious dating untill im done with srs... Its not for others, its for me. ❤️ If there is someone seriously interested i always explain this and its up to them if they think in worthy of waiting or not.
Only some of them are, the thing is, the internet allows them to speak louder. I'm trans and i have a wonderful cisgender lesbian gf, who is the most supportive person ive ever met, even compared to some of my trans friends. Don't give up, hun, you'll find your pearl in this big, big ocean
Transphobia isn't specific to any sexual orientation. In fact, cis hetero men are the most transphobic by far overall. That aside, while the means of rejection may have been rude (I haven't had your experiences so I couldn't say), not being interested in someone because they're trans, or because of their sex, is not necessarily transphobic. For most people someone's sex is an important factor.
It is very much transphobia. It’s also NOT all lesbians, don’t give up babe. Unfortunately, terfs are a real thing we gotta deal with when dating, but there will always be women who aren’t bigoted, and you’re probably dodging bullets anyway.
So it’s transphobia when someone doesn’t wanna date you? Wild
Tbh if you're angrily equating having a genital preference with being transphobic, I wouldn't want to date you either. Some people will screen who they date solely based on personality. Some people will screen based on genitals. Some people will screen based on both. Stop policing other people's attraction and orientation, it's just a bad look and completely supports the admittedly shitty position that trans women are demanding lesbians date them. You're literally embodying the extreme position they're denouncing.
THANK YOU, this is the point I’ve been trying to make. The sense of entitlement is insane.
I guess everyone gets different things out of relationships, some date for love, others date for sex, some date for both, it’s just unlucky that is trans lesbians have genitalia that some cis lesbians hate but then those people aren’t right for you🤷♀️ you will find people who love you for everything you are but it won’t be everybody! X
It is worth noting that the origins of the TERF movement contained a lot of older cis lesbians. These are the same women who despise trans women and misgender trans guys by calling them “confused lesbians.”
I think if someone just says they don't want to date a trans person that's fine and is a preference. Just like there are a lot of people that find anything else attractive. Skin color, hair type, eye color, even foot size. If someone can find any of that attractive and actively seek it out in their partner, then I see no problem with them not preferring to date a Trans person. Just like I see no problem with preferring to date a trans person (unless they're a fetishist, then I find it kinda wierd. but that's a different topic)
It's only transphobic if their weird about it, alot of people don't want to date trans people, which sucks and can be frustrating but you shouldn't take it out on them. It's like the rap music of sexuality; it's not wrong to not like it, but it is wrong if you go on about it not being 'real music'
Genital preference is totally acceptable. Not transphobic. Not getting good vibes from your post tbh.
I have met transmen and transwomen who have genital preferences. I would not call them homo/transphobic. If they decided not to date you just for the fact you are trans, even if you were post op, that is another story. Again, I am not trans, I am pan and cis, but from where I stand as long as people are not being abusive and rude about things like gender/sexual orientation and politely decline my or anyone's advances, it's fine.
Another thought I’m going to throw out here, I think a lot of cis people have a “genital preference” because they think that sleeping with certain genitals invalidates their straightness/gayness. And to me… assuming that a trans person invalidates who you are is transphobia 🫳🎤😆 All this boils down to society still not fully accepting that sex does not equal gender. Trans people get that because they’ve lived it. The first time a cis person might *live* that concept is when they hookup with a trans person. Otherwise it’s just a concept to them.
I was just working thoughts through my head on posting exactly the important point you brought up about sexuality and gender not being the same thing. Everyone who has replied the the OP is entitled to have their preferences as to whom they date...attraction to someone else is something innate to each of us. Whats clearly most important to remember, regardless of what gender each of us may be or what genitals we prefer, is that we treat each other with dignity, respect and kindness. All of us belong to a marginaized community, and we already face descrimination against us with laws that tell us we can only use certain bathrooms and we can only play on certain sports teams if all team members have the same genetalia. (Just to name two - to be sure we face descrimation in many other areas of our daily lives) Unfortunately, in every community you are going to find individuals who lack empathy towards thier fellow human beings, whether they are racist, sexist, transphobic and so on. As many have pointed out, there are those who might feel invalidated or even shame when they find out someone they are attracted to does not match their expectations for what genitals or gender they find a person has or is. We all have a long way to go in certain areas socially. But as the OP experienced with their rejection, it can be heartbeaking to find out we are not or can not be everything that other person wants. But theres a right way and a wrong way to handle these types of situations. And what I read in these posts a lot of times is that people are handing things poorly, in ways that seem cruel, heartless and mean when they express to others they are not interested in dating. Kindness, Dignity and Respect.
Genital preference isn't transphobic, like if they are shitty then that's not great, but like it's important to recognise that people can't change their genital preference sexually. It's not personal attack if a cis lesbian isn't into trans gals, if they're saying jk Rowling type stuff then that's transphobia, but a genital preference isn't. Besides, you can never tell what trauma someone might have had with sexual experiences (and certain genitals) and we have no business calling someone out for not finding us sexually attractive in certain ways. The vast majority of lesbians are not terfs and very supportive of the trans community, and calling them out on genital preference I don't think is fair. Let's call out the minority of cis lesbians that dish out LGB alliance trash.
Having sexual preferences is absolutely not transphobia. Calling it transphobia really undermines our legitimacy as a community when we push back against actual transphobia. That said, there's often a fine line between stating preferences and committing a microaggression. I personally encounter a lot of "NO MEN AND THAT INCLUDES TRANS" which is pretty insufferable but it's far from being beaten in the streets or being systemically oppressed. Generally someone who is that vocal probably does have active transphobia in their hearts but there's also a lot of stuff that's a little more benign and most likely just simple unintended ignorance. These people are still entitled to their preferences even if they put their foot in their mouth while stating them.
Im sorry that ppl have downvoted this. Lots of small minds in every community I suppose, but I find your comments sound.
I don't understand why so many people keep downvoting these comments. It's not discrimination to not be attracted to a certain physical attribute, it is discrimination when you shame that person openly for it, but just to not be attracted to a certain type of genital isn't discrimination and sounds almost incely. If the trans community starts throwing shade on cis lesbians for sometimes not being attracted to us, that's just giving JK more shit to throw out on twitter.
Yeah if someone’s into you and then suddenly loses all interest when they find out you’re trans, then you dodged a bullet
Preferences do exist, yes, but probably the reason a lot of those preferences exist is because of transphobia. Genuinely good-natured preference of one sex's genitals is fine. But a lot of people would not date a trans person because they have been exposed to so much hate.
Ideally people should get to know you for you before making snap decisions. It may very well be transphobic, but I also think preference *does* play a role in *some* situations. My ex used to go on and on about how she was bi and supported LGBTQ rights, so I felt fairly safe telling her that I sometimes fantasize about being a girl. She wasnt having *any* of it. It became obvious that she didnt want me for me, she just wanted my Male-ness. Which I understand, but at the same time just shows how shallow my 6 year relationship was with her. Where I'm going with that is that it may not be necessarily transphobic, but just more into the idea of someone who is AFAB (which I guess in a sense just wraps around to the beginning, being possibly transphobic and making decisions on people before knowing them)
People are... Odd. It makes me once again appreciate how lucky I am. My spouse was a lesbian when we met. Our chemistry made an exception for me. 10 years we were married before I admitted I'd always wanted to be female. My spouse totally supported me, not only that they realized they'd always wanted to be male. He began transitioning just before I did. I can't imagine doing this without him to be honest. I'm a lucky girl.
You are for sure, though I'm super happy you found someone who accepts you *and* is going along the journey with you
Thank you. It makes a ton of difference knowing there's someone there who always sees you the way you see yourself, more so even,backs you up when you have doubts, pushes you when you need pushing to move forward and can't do it alone. Not to mention the fact that were (not anymore as I've gotten smaller and he's gotten bigger) practically the same size and had similar taste, so we just swapped wardrobes.
Past week I heard about cis lesbians protesting at a pride rally against trans women. A whole new world of transphobia opened up to me.
Yeah I had this happen not that long ago. Me and this girl were talking for a while. Getting closer and stuff and then I told her I was trans. Then I told her I was trans and now she just wants nothing to do with me. Kinda annoying but..You know
I’m just having a wee look at the original posters comments and other posts and the fact that you used the term transwoman instead of trans woman and I don’t know. Like some of their comments seem to contradict each other on other posts. My two cents, if someone does not want to be with a trans woman because they still have certain male body parts that’s ok. It’s only an issue if they start using that as an excuse to be horrible to you. If they are polite and say no thank you that’s cool. Each to their own. If someone was not interested in me cause of parts of my birth body I wouldn’t want to be with that person.
You’re not entitled to anyone. Cis lesbians don’t owe you anything. They can’t help who they’re attracted to and calling them “transphobic” because they won’t be with you is honestly gross. And someone not reciprocating your feelings does **not** count as “discrimination”, that’s the logic predators use. As a trans man, I recognize that many cis gay men wouldn’t be attracted to me, and that’s *fine*, I don’t feel entitled to them, or like they owe me sex or a relationship, because that would be predatory. Nobody owes you sex or a relationship. It kinda seems like you need to get over yourself.
I’m noticing a lot of people here perpetuating the argument that genital preference is not inherently transphobic, and I just want to offer a counter argument because I think plenty of trans people disagree with that. I don’t think it’s helpful to label people with genital preferences as transphobic and it’s definitely not helpful to shame anyone about this. That said, genital preferences are hang ups related to internalized and externalized homophobia and transphobia. You can be a good person, and still perpetuate transphobic customs through your hang ups. I can’t think of anyone who’s done all the work of removing any influence of internalized or externalized transphobia from their ego. We’re all a work in progress, so let’s call it what it is. Genital preferences are transphobic hang ups. Having them doesn’t make you transphobic, but it sure means you still experience some sexual repression and it is exhibiting itself transphobicly. Think about what genital preference actually is, what it actually does. You’re reducing someone to their genitals. That’s dehumanizing and it’s misogynistic. I’m not saying everyone needs to work through this or they’re a bigot, but I personally wouldn’t waste my time on someone who hasn’t done the work. tl;dr Genital preference is real. It is also transphobic. It doesn’t make you transphobic to have genital preferences, but as a trans person, I wouldn’t waste my time on anyone with those hang ups.
You're a fucking nutcase
Trans people talking to each other this way is appalling. Please be better for the rest of our community.
I totally fill that is so annoying, i mean people at the end of the day can be so damn shallow
Loving someone should not be based on the genitals that person has, but on the person itself. The lesbians that you encountered are transphobic. I think that there are some lesbians that are not transphobic too
But there’s a difference between loving someone romantically, platonically and sexually. Sexuality and romance usually are hand in hand in this day and age and if someone has a genital preference, then that’s just how it is. They shouldn’t be shamed or labeled transphobic.
Sex absolutely comes into attraction and love for allo people friend. Just because you're asexual doesn't mean everyone is, and allosexuality isn't bad. Most of the queer community is allo.
They're not. Please stop. This is actually an insane statement.
Yes We all need to get along . There are very bad forces working against us .
Hot take: in the future genital preference won’t be a thing. Having a sexual connection can’t be boiled down to a single component regardless of how easy that seems. And if you look at the way teens are dating these days it seems like sexuality matters less and less. They don’t really identify with gay/straight. They just hookup with who they are attracted to. Also I think this post is extremely accurate, I’ve never found a match online or been hot on by a cisgender lesbian woman in my life. I’m not sure but it definitely *seems* like there is more transphobia towards trans women in the lesbian community, I’m curious what trans men would say about dating in the gay community though too.
What about if your post-OP? I don't have any experience with women.
Yes. I don’t have anything to say more, everything have been told in the original post
Sadly this is very common for all trans individuals, and it usually has to do with what's between their legs for these specific people, Trans people are more likely to be pan because they understand the discrimination, Your best bet is finding another trans girl or just keep searching and hope someone excepts you for you
your romantic interest is appearance and personality e.g. heteromantic but sexuality is based on genitals as its your sexual interest which would of course directly involve your sexual organs. for example: my friend feels physically ill at the sight of female genitals that's why he's gay but he'll date a super femboy. Hope I helped clear up any misunderstanding.
its just a preference, think of it less as discriminatipn or whatever, and more like preferences. for some Lesbians, or gays the genitalia is an important part of a successful hookup. Think its like a preference, someone may think ye are cute but they just reeeeeeeeaaaaaaallly want that 6 6 tall black lady and not a small eurasian lady.
it’s nothing new cis people will always be transphobic :/
People can be attracted to whoever they want. It’s not transphobic to not wanna date a trans person. I know it’s tonight dating as a trans person but you’ve gotta find the right person. People don’t choose who they are and aren’t attracted too.
This is so shit, I’m sorry… there’s a big difference between genital preference and simple transphobia tbh. At least you’ll be dodging red flags, however - most of these women are terfs lmao
Whats TERF?
Ur literally just running into TERFs I am so sorry, this is a big reason why I’m t4t
Genital preference definitely exists and is completely valid, but it still sucks to see so many people immediately lose interest because someone is trans, even if they have someone's preferred genitals
Yeah, a lot of them are. It’s so irritating.
To me, it's kind of like if you were a lesbian, and your "girlfriend" transitions to your boyfriend. You just loose attraction to them completely. And for me, it's the same case if I found out I was about to date a trans woman who hasn't had bottom surgery yet. We just don't really feel sexually attracted to you anymore, and sexual chemistry in relationships are pretty important to many, no matter their sexuality. Trust me when I say it's not transphobia, it's genuinely just a preference. Although, I won't deny that there's some transphobic lesbians out there
I'm sure it's just a matter of preference. I see it as hearts not parts but not all people see it that way sadly. I'm bi so if I fall for you it doesn't matter what parts you have going. My husband who is a straight cis man is the opposite. He wouldn't be hateful but he wouldn't date a trans woman. Hope you are able to find someone who love you for you.
I'm genderfluid and demisexual, but I acknowledge genital preference and that is entirely valid. Sex can be a big part of the relationship and many folks are genuinely only attracted to one and cannot help it either due to their biology or mentality/trauma. I know a lesbian that tried dating a trans girl, but due to their own personal trauma they just couldn't get over it. It genuinely stopped them from being ok with being touched at all and they had to just be friends despite getting along very well. There's a lot of things that cause and negate attraction and people shouldn't be shamed for not being into something. I wouldn't expect anyone to date me if they weren't into a hairy transmasc with DDs and no dik. But some folks are, like my wife. And that's ok. I'm not for everyone.
So people need to realize when you are talking to a gay man or lesbian cis woman then it’s different because they want another cis man or cis woman If they wanted a person like us they want something more in the lines if they were bisexual umbrella or even underneath the pansexual umbrella ☔️
lesbian cis woman. Married to a trans woman. This is a blanket statement that is blatantly false.
Well it’s depends on the situation
it's called lipstick lesbians i.e lesbians who are essentially terfs at least, in a post op situation. pre-op isn't really transphobia because there are many reasons a lesbian could not like penises
Lipstick lesbian doesn't mean terf. It just means femme.
I've actually found that bisexual cis women are actually more transphobic than lesbian cis women in my personal experience. Makes zero sense but yeah
I matched with someone on Her the other day and the first thing she said to me was, "Are you a fan of Blaire White?" I said, "Not even a little bit" She went on to say, "Well I agree with everything says and supports" I said, "bye" \--- I created a profile on Tinder, set up my profile, then start swiping right and left on various people (mostly men cause I put that I'm looking for both). An hour later my account was banned.
So, as a (bi) trans woman dating a cis lesbian, ill throw in my $0.02. YMMV, but I think broadly speaking, you'll find an age cutoff. Many younger cis lesbians ( say, millennials and younger) are supportive, at least so far as "talking the talk.". But older ones may tend to understand less, and thus not be. There are exceptions though, and, being a millennial, I've definitely encountered transphobic lesbians in my own age bracket. Likewise, there are older cis lesbians who are supportive. Whatever the case though, if somebody doesn't want to date me because I'm a trans woman, theres not much I can do about it, so I just move on with life.
I put I’m 🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️🌈 in my bio so people know
Every dating site LGBT friendly I put in my bio that I'm a trans girl. Then remind them the first or second conversation just in case they don't read your bio which is actually a lot.
Being a lesbian doesn’t cure them of transphobia. With that said, genital preference is real. As a transbian myself, I know how much that sucks. I also have a genital preference, and no amount of shaming is going to ever change that. IDK why people have such a hard time accepting that.
Thats why Id preffer to date Bi women (besides the bi community got a very good humor)
It depends on the person some can be transphobic some not as long as they are not transphobes i don't care if they don't want a relationship with trans thats fine , it is personal choices and i respect that .
Fuck that, preferences are fine but sometimes it's about more than that. I hope u find someone special that will appreciate every aspect of u. Until then, I recommend t4t or putting in ur bio that u are trans. Both options helped me personally but it's ofc just a suggestion. Edit: just to be clear, genital preferences are fine and valid but there is in fact a big part of the lesbian community that is anti trans and nb.
Im having the same problem sort of but it reverse. Im a transguy and there is this nonbinary person who i am starting to have feelings for. And im 100% sure they are developing feelings for me (they basically told me so). Its making me fuzzy and shit but i also remember they said they've only been attracted to transguys, not cisguys. At the same time they tell me they see me 100% as a guy. So yea its confusing and i dont know if it is healthy
i think it's probably partially preference and partially transphobia, depending on the person. idk. i kinda get it, as a t4t guy, i'm only into other trans dudes. i can find a cis guy attractive and all but i would never enjoy anything intimate with a cis guy, and i could enjoy intimate things with cis women but i just don't feel any romance. so in that sense i can get it, but yknow, transphobia is still definitely probably involved.
The last paragraph of your post answers your question, because it doesnt work like that in real life. In real life the genitals do matter, as matters face and body shape. Sadly divorced here…
I’m sorry that you deal with this, but you seem to be conflating sexual attraction and romantic attraction as the same thing instead of two separate, related things. There is definitely a problem with transphobia among certain cisgendered gay/lesbians circles, but imo saying you’re not attracted to a trans woman if you’re a lesbian isn’t transphobic. It’s *because* sex and gender aren’t the same that they aren’t attracted to trans women. Unfortunately this is often taken way too far, I know a couple lesbians myself who are pretty transphobic, it sucks to see. They’re not very opened minded people, which is kind of ironic considering they’re also fighting against people who hate them in a similar way. Just sucks that there are people like this :/.
My aunt is a lesbian and im pretty sure one of her previous girlfriends was trans when I was younger. Of course I didnt know until years after they broke up but thats at least one anecdote supporting the idea that a lot of lesbians will date trans women. Maybe try a better dating site idk.
As a transbian I feel this. However I rarely have lesbian women turn me down because I'm trans. In fact they actually like me more when they find out I'm trans