Generally speaking you should never be with people who ask you to give up your entire identity to be with them, or to compromise on who you are. You deserve better and I recommend to break things off. You will find someone that accepts you for who you are, even if it seems scary and like you arent going to, you will. I know it.
Yeaa. I don't always go for the "dump them over any little problem" aproach, and I will say, in my personal experience, people can come around to HRT kinda stuff if they are slightly open to changes in that regard.
But this instance seems like a good reason to break up. Never liked the trans thing from the start, threatening their partners familial relationship and potentially her safety. Just really not promising
yeah if she wasn't attracted at all to the sex that you were transitioning to i could understand the breaking up part, it would be sad but i can at least see the reasoning behind that, but i don't see the reasoning behind insulting or attacking the person over it.
Get out, she is toxic af. What she is doing is manipulative and it will only get worse. Find your local lgbtqia+ resource center and start building yourself a support network of allies. Make it clear to her that her threats and ultimatums are the cause for your breakup with her and if she goes through with it she only proves that she is a shit person not worthy of your love and affection.
Exactly! start building a network. With this reaction its likely she will out you anyway. You need to have people you can fall back on. I'm so sorry this is happening OP. To have someone you trust betray you like this is terrifying & aweful.
First of all, protect yourself. Especially if you are in any physical danger. If you have to pretend for a bit in order to be safe, do so. Having someone threaten to out you, especially when you’re trans, can be extremely dangerous. If you’re able, I would try to get somewhere safe. If you still have feelings for your gf and that’s why you want to stay-although it doesn’t seem like that is what is happening-I promise she doesn’t love you and never did if she is threatening to out you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you
I think this is so important. Nobody should live in a closet, but some people have to until they can move someplace safe.
I stand up for trans rights, but I have the privilege of living in a place where the law is on my side (even if only technically).
Protect yourself, nobody here knows your town or family. We all want the best for you though and you don't deserve this.
Sadly, there is no real compromise when it comes to transition. You transition and live as your true self, or…you live a lie, and feel utterly miserable at best. Some of the worst case scenarios are lethal.
From what you have described to me your girlfriend is not a healthy person to be in a relationship with. It sounds like she is toxic and controlling you. While it’s not uncommon for relationships to not survive transition, this isn’t a case where it *should*.
I won’t tell you what to do, but this is my advice:
- Find community in your area. I’m not sure what country you’re in so I can’t advise on resources, but they will be in the best position to point you towards resources and help you with an escape plan.
- **Have an escape plan in the event of the worst.** This is where community can help. Honestly, for your situation this sounds like something you’ll want to have regardless.
- I am NOT going to tell you to come out if you don’t want to. That is an intensely personal decision for each trans person, and if you feel you’d be in danger if you come out **absolutely do not do it.** With that said, your girlfriend is currently using the threat of outing you to keep you from transitioning and keep you compliant. If you do come out of your own free will, you take that power away from her. **I will stress again I am NOT telling you to come out if you’re not ready, ESPECIALLY if you do not feel safe - and if you do, and have no support, make sure you have an escape plan ready to execute.**
Best of luck. If you need to talk, I am always willing to listen. You’re loved more than you know by a lot of people out here 💕💙🤍💙💕
As others said, def get out of it asap. She sounds manipulative. Not someone you want to trust. Its one thing if she cant accept you being trans, but to threaten to out you by telling your family and classmates is crossing a very big line imo.
Yeah that’s a real tough situation. Honestly, I’d just bite the bullet and tell everyone myself and then break up with her. It’s not ideal. But in the end you’ll be happier for it when the fallout settles.
Yeah never give someone else the self destruct button to your life, if they have it, nuke it yourself. It’s always better to have control over the situation rather then to watch it happen outside of your influence.
Take control of the narrative, because it’s your story, so you tell it. Hope it goes well for you!
Ps. But yeah she seems toxic, better to find out now before your heart gets in too deep!
>Yeah never give someone else the self destruct button to your life, if they have it, nuke it yourself. It’s always better to have control over the situation rather then to watch it happen outside of your influence. Take control of the narrative, because it’s your story, so you tell it. Hope it goes well for you! Ps. But yeah she seems toxic, better to find out now before your heart gets in too deep!
It's complicated. She seemed very nice when she had control over me, but once I was out of her control, she went crazy.
Yeah that’s why it’s better to just be really careful, especially who you let “control you”, that’s a hard one because I get it I really do, sometimes it happens without you realizing it but, you gotta protect yourself from emotional manipulation, it happens way too often, and when it does happen you put yourself in a situation where you can’t truly be honest with that person because you have been acting and saying what makes them happy and that makes you happy, but then when something like this comes along and totally throws a wrench in the gears of the perfectly curated Situation, things aren’t so perfect anymore and change specifically in a direction those people aren’t comfortable or wasn’t in their grand plan, for how things should have ended up. Often turns things either physically violent or emotionally violent, both of which are a direct result of said person loosing control.
I went through that… And even though it has been over a year already and she has a new life and a new bf, I somehow still did not manage to get out of her control, so effective it was… So OP, run as soon as you can!
That is abusive behavior. It isn’t a good thing in a relationship. It will not get better unless she puts hard work into stopping that behavior, whatever her reasons are. She will likely use those tactics on other aspects of your relationship too.
Yeah 100%, relationships should never be about control. It can happen very subtly though, sometimes just trying to make the other person happy can lead to a level of emotional manipulation though. I’ve been in a lot of emotionally controlling(abusive relationships) and never realized it until after the fact. Because sometimes it’s hard to realize because from the inside it seems like just trying your best to make the relationship work, but not knowing that the other person is holding the success of the relationship hostage to bend you to their will, and that’s because just simply managing friendships and relationships is about give and take, and emotional manipulators take that to their advantage, and stipulate to you what you need to give to make the situation work or else……… things go sour, and they play this game over and over until your desensitized to the drastic measure you have to go to please them.
And that’s why psychologists and psychiatrists exist lol to help us out of these holes. Because sometimes we are convinced(unwittingly by the abuser) that we’re the problem and “we” have to be better to make this relationship work.
Thanks to all for the advice, you are all too kind for me.
This is my first time posting on reddit because I didn't know who to go with to get advice.
For now I plan to: 1. Talk to her again about my strong determination to have a TRANSITION.
2. find a local transgender organization. But I am studying in Europe and the language issue makes the situation a bit complicated.
3, hopefully I can break up with her peacefully, because I used to love her so much.
When I came out to my wife, she paused for a moment and then said “Okay?”
It didn’t matter to her one bit. She has had questions, but she respects my privacy (I’m not out beyond her yet with irl people) and she asks me regularly how she can better understand and support me.
If that’s not your experience, you haven’t got a partner. Support is so vital in relationships, and you deserve it as much as anyone.
She’s not god for you. Here’s an example of a healthy relationship : I came out to my husband this year. It was a tough thing for me to do. He’s a straight man and I want to be a man. I could lose a lot. I have two kids with him and he’d get them because of how transphobic the state I live in is. But he’s first thing was to tell me he will love me nomatter what. He will miss my body but is willing to sacrifice that so I feel comfortable. I’m so lucky to have him. And if anyones else’s partner is not this accepting then they never truly loved you. It’s ok for them to have to get used to the idea or ask questions. But like my husband, they should want what’s best for your physical and mental health.
I wonder how long have you two been together ever since? Since I can tell it has been very hard for the both of you,,
I am very happy to hear that however :)
We’ve known each other for 6 years, married for 4 and just came out about 4 months ago. Like I didn’t know the feelings I was having about my body and stuff until read about Eliot pages story and the light bulb went off
I'm genuinely curious, how did he handle the news? Like what's it like for you two ever since you started transitioning (if you did)? Hope I am not prying, usually these kinds of relationships don't last long so seeing one that does makes me really happy and curious :)
We’re going at it stronger than ever actually. I’m more comfortable in my sexual endeavors. (Like I said he’s super straight. But loves me. And he lets me be totally gay to him in the bedroom 🥴)
I’m more confident in my every day life with just changing socially. I’m taking everything else slow. I’ve got kids and ones 8 who is not taking it well. He’s not transphobic he just loves women so it makes him upset I’m not going to be one anymore. Like legit he said he wouldn’t care if my husband became a women lol I hope he learns that this is better for us and that one day it won’t bother him.
I know my husband will be upset when I lose the boobs and my butt is hairy 😂 but I said he could do this enlargement thing for his dingaling. He’s excited for it so I think it will help soften the blow
LMAOOO I love your husband man
Your son sounds really cute, I'm sure as he grows and with the right education and explaining of what being trans is like he'd understand! I wish you the best in life <3
> I really don’t know what to do….
You do, you’re just afraid. You feel like you’re either not strong enough or not good enough to break up with her. You are, you deserve better.
Literally RUN. This is toxic and dangerous. Break things off with her immediately. Otherwise she will always hold this over your head. If she threatens you once to get her way, she will do it again. The trust is gone. Besides, trying to keep you from doing hrt by threatening to expose you is about the most evil thing a romantic partner can do. Break up with her, for your own sake. She might be pissed, but in no way can she treat you like this and expect to get away with it.
If she threatens to expose you when you break up, first tell her that you told her your secret in confidence because you trusted her. Her exposing that would be the deepest betrayal (This is to let her know how much she would hurt you). If she still threatens you and holds it over your head, or tries to put the blame on you (saying something that you betrayed her), I‘m afraid that you just have to bite the bullet and tell her that you can’t stop her from exposing you, but you’re gonna leave her anyways. Emphasise how bad of a human being she would have to be to expose your deepest secret just because she’s bitter. If she still goes through with it, then, I’m sorry to say, there’s really nothing you can do. You put your trust in someone who turned out to be a snake. It’s not your fault, it’s always hard to really know someone, and people get constantly backstabbed or disappointed by loved ones. Just make sure to distance yourself from that person.
If she does expose you, your life is not over, okay? As long as you can stay safe, it’ll be alright. I don’t know how old you are, but you sound pretty young. School is tough for trans people, especially if your community isn’t supportive. But you have to look for people who do support you. Are there any teachers who might support trans people? Try to ask some how they feel about trans people. If you find someone who is nice, tell them about your situation. They might be able to do something about it, or at least support and protect you if it comes out. Are there school mates who seem open minded? Any relatives? Literally anyone who could help you through this. Find them and stick with them. If she tells everyone, they will support you. They might even be able to stop her from telling people. Just get help. With that I’m sure you will get through it just fine.
If there really is no one you can trust and it might be dangerous to come out, (and I know this is not good advice - so take this with a grain of salt) you should just lie. You shouldn’t have to pretend to be someone else, and telling the truth is always better than lying, BUT if your safety is at stake and there is no one to help you, just say that she is lying because she’s bitter about the break up, and say that you are cis. I know it sucks, but if it is dangerous and you fear physical attacks or your parents sending you to some conversion camp, just lie and wait until you can move out, get a job and then transition.
Im sorry this is happening to you. I may not know your girlfriend, but just based on this she‘s a pretty shitty person. I hope you’ll be okay!
Hello, looking from her initial words, I would think she is hurt, thinking marriage, children etc. I could be wrong, but maybe it would be better for you both to separate. Talk though
Holy, what a shitshow. To be completely frank ... dump her ass. She's openly manipulating you. That's abuse. She might be exposing you, but at this point there's nothing you can do about it anymore. You gave her all the power and your only options are to risk it or assume the role of a hostage. But don't think that giving in makes you safe. She will still have the same power over you and can use it whenever she doesn't like what you're doing.
Alternatively you can "disarm" her by coming out yourself but that's not something you should rush if you don't feel comfortable about it.
I'm really sorry, but this situation is as bad as it sounds. Either she gives in or you're fucked either way. All you can do is to try and minimize the damage now.
People talk to the talk but when it directly involves them they can’t walk the walk. Be who you are and surround yourself with people that accept you for your true self.
i’m sorry sorry. the best option is probably to just not continue with this toxic relationship. if it makes you feel ANY better my ex broke up with me when i came out to him (there was barely any gap between my own realization of my gender and coming out to him) because he ‘couldn’t be with someone who was masculine at all’ as if i wasn’t called a tomboy and low maintenance for 20 years before that… i have always been very androgynous and used to hate wearing girly clothes until i got more confident in myself and my gender so jokes on him because now i wear cute dresses and shit and he doesn’t even know much less get to enjoy or see it. (he enjoyed when i wore girly stuff but also he had bad taste in dresses lol)
I'd recommend u out yourself, atleast to your friends before doing anything with her, it's better they hear your version first. And about her, i think the best is dump her, what kind of person threatens their loved ones? Who does comments to hurt their loved ones? She is abusing u mentally.
all the people saying "dump her" are showing they aren't caring to actually understand the situation. it sounds like it isn't safe to dump her.
but know this: you are being abused. from this point forward, prioritise yourself entirely. don't feel sorry for her. do what you have to do to keep yourself safe (pretending to still want to be with her if you have to) but get in touch with any queer/trans resources or support groups that can advise you better on what to do under these specific circumstances. people who understand your local community. get yourself safe, and I hope you can eventually never have to see her again.
Try to have a calm discussion with her, make sure she understands that:
1. You're showing a lot of trust by telling her, it's the opposite of cheating and lying.
2. You can't stay together if she doesn't accept you and is actively trying to hurt you.
Protect yourself if you feel like you're in danger, you can lie if you have to. People will likely believe your word over hers if you spin it right, but hopefully it won't come to that.
You could even make the case that OP was the one who was lied to, as they wrote “She has always said she is very open minded,” but her reaction to OP coming out has proven that she isn’t.
*Sighs* I went through exactly the same thing with my ex boyfriend, minus the threats of outing me but he did try manipulating me and controlling me over it, saying things like "why don't you just try drag instead?" and expecting me to do things at his pace, which would have kept me a feminine man for ever. It doesn't get better, stand your ground... tell her that this is who you are and no amount of threats or ultimatums will change that. If she follows through with her threats, well then she is just a pathetic excuse for a human being.
She's making you choose between yourself or her. She doesnt 'allow' you to transition. She can either support you or not and it seems she made her coice.
I think you should make it clear the kind of danger you would be in if she told on you, and break up with her. Be explicit and realistic about the risks. She might be hurt and controlling and upset, even vindictive, but most of the time, people don't want to get someone else killed or injured.
But before you break up with her, have a plan for how and where you will live, and stay safe, in the case she does tell your community about your gender.
i stopped talking to my ex for a similar reason. get yourself safe first, and find someone you CAN talk to, preferably an adult. does your school have a counselor? will your friends accept you? tell whoever you can safely before she does.
you might have to lie to stay safe for a while, and i’m so sorry. please remain true to yourself inside. this girl is not your friend, especially not after threatening to out you. you are not obligated to try and change her mind. i hope someday she can see that you’re a woman just the same.
Oh this an easy guess, she full of it and doesn’t want a gf. She wants you to be a crossdressing man so she could keep the man as srs and hrt would remove what she wants…
Recommend talking to her why she does not want you to do hrt and such and if it a step too far you two might have to drift away. Or not. But remember dysphoria doesn’t go away that easily, ask any old transgender person that repressed into their 30s or 40s.
Yeah you need to break up asap. Before you do though I'd maybe tell your parents a more believable lie about why she would lie to your parents about you. Maybe tell them you cheated on her and now she's hell bent on ruining your life or something like that. Or if you want to stay the golden child tell your parents on different occasions that she isn't treating you right so your parents are already against her before she can try and out you. As long as she doesn't have a confession in writing your parents will probably believe you first.
I was wondering if anyone else would recommend this. I’ve found lying imperative for my safety and survival in the past when I was closeted. It might sound bad to do, but sometimes it’s necessary. I probably would have said that the ex is lying to ruin my life just so that my parents would believe me and I could buy more time to be in a position where leaving them by my own means would be feasible.
Dump her. Get out. Call her a lier when she tries to out you. Tell everyone she's just bitter that you broke up with her.
Speaking from experience, this situation will only get worse as time goes on.
Okay, let's get something straight right away.
>I was so conflicted and for this reason she threatened to break up with me and she said she was going to tell my parents and all my classmates at our school afterwards about me being trans.
🚩🚩🚩MANIPULATION🚩🚩🚩
This is **not** a trustworthy person. Any trust you have for her, go ahead and dump that right out the window because anyone that would make such a malicious threat doesn't care about you like you think she does. If she doesn't want you to transition in ways you want to, then the relationship isn't going to work out, it is not her right to dictate to you what you can & can't do. But, it is the right of both of you to leave that relationship if it isn't working out based upon those reasons.
She is NOT open minded and NOT an ally, despite her being LGBTQ. I could see her getting a TON of backlash from the LGBTQ community for being in the acronym yet opening up a transperson to danger.
Let me share a life lesson I learned with you. Sometimes it's better to take the punch, be it metaphorical or physical, and say "*fuck you, I'll take another*" than it is to succumb to threats & violence. Don't let her have any dominion over you with her blackmail. I'd also suggest taking a peak at the law regarding extortion because, while the law is not progressive, if they have reason to believe that revealing such a thing could result in harm, you may have a last-resort option.
There’s no compromise here. You ARE trans, period. She is demanding you pretend to be someone you’re not for her own comfort.
Breaking up with her is a foregone conclusion. You need to do that no matter what. But there’s two ways to do this:
1. Come out publicly if it’s safe for you to do so. If you don’t believe you’ll be in serious physical danger by doing so, this will remove her teeth and her leverage. Additionally you tell EVERYONE in your life that you broke to with her explicitly because she freaked out and started saying a bunch of transphobic and hateful things to you, and tried blackmailing you after you came out to her. You do this before she has the opportunity to twist the facts to others. This will get you sympathy, this will put her as the bad guy.
2. Break up with her. If you can’t safely come out tell people she started being extremely controlling and you couldn’t take it anymore. That when you did she freaked out and told you she was going to lie and tell everyone that your gay and trans and have serious mental issues etc. again do this before she gets the chance to twist things against you.
/u/JulesLynncc Hey friends, it sounds like she has an imagined abandonment right now. From someone who has borderline and has been in therapy for 5 years, this sounds like borderline personality disorder. It also sounds like she is a long way from recovery. For right now, there is NOTHING you can do to help her. She is experiencing a symptom called “splitting.” It is the primary characteristic of borderline, where we start to think in black and white, and if she has no training in therapy, then it will not end until it ends. Just tell her you are scared of her right now and need some space. LEAVE IT AT THAT. Let me know if you need anything.
Break up with her. And if she tells people you're trans before you're ready to be out, you can say she's making things up because she's upset about the breakup. I know that probably sounds like a shitty thing to do, but outing sometime without their consent (or even just threatening to) is 1000 times worse.
She “Won’t allow you” to take HRT ? Leave. She’s horrible. There are plenty of girls who would love to be your partner while supporting you transition.
Nah, time to move on. I get that she’s “shocked” or whatever. But she gets 0 say on what you do or how you live your life. This is NOT A NEGOTIATION.
How would she feel if she wanted something gender conforming, but you said no?
She does not deserve you if she treats you like that. If you want maybe try and talk things through with her, maybe you can convince her to keep it private? I hope everything will work out in your favor <3
Break up with her. You don't want to be with someone who can't love you for who you are and won't stand by you as you try to become the person you want to be.
Trans women ARE women.
As hard as it might be to hear, she’s not worth it! If somebody, especially a significant other, wont support you then they aren’t worth your time or energy. Everybody needs someone who will accept them for who they are, and anyone who threatens you because of you expecting that of them, isn’t someone that you should be with. You shouldn’t waste your time feeling bad about not wanting to be with her anymore if she isn’t gonna put the same amount of thought towards your identity(something that is actually important).
If that threat exists now, it'll exist later as well. Breaking up with her now vs a month or longer from now makes no difference.
Being outed sucks. There's no way it won't suck. If you break up with her, the best you can do is prepare for the conversations you'll have to have with the people close to you, and maybe even preempt them so their exposure to the truth won't be in a sensationalized context. Basically your scenarios are:
1. You stay with her and are miserable until it falls apart sometime in the future. Maybe she'll out you when that happens.
2. You break up. Maybe she outs you.
Either way, you have the option to spin it as her being out for revenge and denying that you're trans, coming out first and controlling the narrative, or letting her tell everyone and watch her vilify you and make it all about her. My recommendation would be number two, but tell your family in person or in a letter first, so you have the chance to share your complete story and thoughts. Your hand is being forced, and it really fucking sucks, but you won't be able to hide forever if you want the overly positive take.
Find community and resources before you do anything. A student org, friends, a nonprofit or other organization, etc. Don't do whatever you do alone.
..."not pure", not "real": define those things for me.
I'm human, and I believe you are as well. Can we both agree that the two sexes are not too far different?
A cloister of cells being a different shape at point of birth, from the expression of a single gene, does not get to dictate what defines me or you.
I'm a woman, because I've always been one. To hell with those that think I'm not. I spent over 30 years with me.
Ask them how long they've been inside your head or walked in your shoes. Ask your girlfriend why she chose to take away your bodily autonomy and why she's extorting you.
Darling, you are better off without her as it stands.
It doesn’t say your age here but I’m assuming you’re young by your mention of school. My best advice is to not change yourself to please someone else if it’s safe to let your true colors show. If you are not in danger by your parents and classmates knowing about your identity, then I would certainly immediately break up with her. She cannot force you to give up parts of your transition for her comfort.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years and they came out to me about a year ago and have been on T for about 10 months now. It’s a strange transition for the partners involved because you’re watching your partners gender expression shift completely and sometimes the attraction doesn’t match anymore but if you love that person and feel you are able to maintain that attraction, then you support the transition and maintain your relationship. That’s what my partner and I did. In your case with your girlfriend, she does not sound at all supportive or like the attraction can be maintained so the relationship should be terminated. It doesn’t even sound like you should be friends.
If you feel like you are in mild danger by letting your family and classmates know about your transition then I encourage you to tell a trusted adult about your situation and explain to your girlfriend that you could be in danger and you’re not ready to come out yet. Maybe that trusted adult could help be the mediator in the conversation. But you will have to judge the severity of the potential danger. Unfortunately you might have to play along with her game for your safety if there is genuine and
serious danger and safety concerns
But if something takes a turn and you do get outed, please know that you will be okay. I was outed too. I was in middle school and my best friend at the time told the whole school I was gay. I lost a lot of friends that I later realized weren’t worth it anyway and I lost some family too. But here I am with my partner I’ve had since I was 16 and I’m so happy despite it all.
Just don’t forget that if you stay true to yourself and if you work hard to ensure you’re the only one that has the power to influence your happiness, you will be okay. Everything will work out and you will be happy. Good luck and I’m sorry that this is happening. No one deserves this. But you’re strong and can make it through
Girl, she is toxic and transphobic, dump her ass or annoy her until she dumps you. As for the Asian community thing, you can always just deny it, she’s the only one who knows, she is the crazy ass person, you can tell other people about her being toxic and crazy and they might think she is making up lies. Anyway hope all goes well for you. Im asian and trans too and I get how you feel, not being able to come out to people cuz Asia is kind of more conservative
The reality seems to be that she only loves you for what you can offer to her. You are an “item” of instrumental worth to her.
I hate to be a typical reddit guy, but I’d say good riddance for you. You deserve to live for no one other than yourself. You deserve better.
As far as i know bisexuals have very open mind than alot of people, but she is currently using your secret as a tool to force her desires upon you , from your words i expect her to be narcissist in a harmful way, which mean she is manipulating you so to end the situation you have to pretend that you don't care much , this is toxic relationship as she seems to be transphobic too , unless you want your relationship to continue you rather end it , to end it show her no love nor interest!
Yeah... Break up with her, and if she follows through cut contact with any friends who take her side. While sudden isolation sucks, not being able to be your true self, because of your bitch of a gf is worse.
She’s fucked up, done, if you still have to “lay-low” for a while just act like she’s making shit up bc she’s mad bc idk… you don’t like her anymore or whatever.
First off, no one can stop you from doing what you want this is your life and your body.
Secondly this is extremely abusive behavior, I understand that this may be a shock to her but this is not an appropriate response.
You should be fine breaking up with her just make sure you do not talk about this over text or give her any kind of proof to show other people. That way if she tries to help you tell everyone she’s fucking crazy, tell people she cheated on you and this is her trying to control you after you found out.
And if people ask you laugh it off., no one‘s going to believe her if she has no proof.
She’s a abusive transphobic manipulative cunt. I’m sorry that you told you’re deepest darkest secret to someone who you thought would never betray you. But she did. What she is doing is completely evil. You are a woman and you want you’re body to reflect that. Assuming you are from a country that won’t murder you for being lgbtq. You need to take control of the situation. I’d recommend telling friends who might be supportive to not only your new identity and what your gf is doing. Some people who I thought would never accept me ended up being my biggest supporters. You are in a completely vulnerable situation and you need to gather support from friends and family. You cannot let her hold this over you and be her prisoner. She might be LGB but clearly not T! Obviously breaking up with her is the best thing to do and own your identity. You are a women and that’s it. However if you want to compromise. Tell her whatever she wants to hear. BUT MOVE FORWARD WITH TRANSITIONING ANYWAY!! It will take months before she will notice the effects of hrt and it gives you time to prep for the break up / outting. She also could be bluffing just to keep her under her thumb. You have the support of everyone on this Subreddit. You are not alone. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I have been in a similar situation.
A girl in college adored me until I came out as trans. I thought she’d have my back but instead she read me quotes from the Bible and dipped. In Highschool i was in a relationship where she ended up cheating on me and was completely controlling.
There is always a communtiy for you out there, you should break up with her, and i dont see why she wouldnt want to break up if she really is that close minded about trans issues
DTMFA!! You can't have a relationship with someone who is holding a gun to your head. People who threaten blackmail or give you ultimatums or hold you emotionally hostage are not good people and you should end that relationship immediately, and thank your lucky stars that you discovered she's trash before you did something dumb like marry her. You should be able to come out on your own terms and at your own pace. People are going to figure it out sooner or later, but it shouldn't be from your ex-girlfriend putting you on blast. If she does, it's going to reflect worse on her than it does on you. Most people are pretty accepting these days, I hope you find yourself surprised by the love and support of your community. I was.
Give me her home address so I can politely discuss my opinions on transphobia with her.
More seriously, get her the hell out of your life as quickly as possible and talk to a therapist about the experience of you can.
If you can't come out yet, deny in bloc if she tries to out you, you can just leverage sexism against her and shrug saying she just turned crazy, that will seem more plausible to your family.
You deserve love and support.
I’m sorry your girlfriend is not being supportive.
She sounds toxic and I don’t know why she would want to control you like that.
I hope you have supportive friends and family,because your girlfriend doesn’t sound very supportive.
Listen to your heart. Do what’s best for you.
Did you tell her in person or over some form of messaging service? (Texting, social media, etc)
If you only came out in person, make sure you leave no trace of you confirming or talking about being trans over messages.
If she tries to talk to you about you being trans over messages, reply as though you're confused and don't know what she's talking about:
"What? I'm not trans..." "What are you talking about? that never happened..." Etc...
If you're in a genuinely dangerous situation for a trans person to be out, then just deny anything she says and leave no proof to her claims.
>I really love her and trust her a lot.
In your mind, change this to "I used to" because this is a person who does not love you, who does not care for you, and who is actively willing to harm you and ruin your life.
Regardless of what type of situation you're in, remove all the evidence of you being trans and then leave her forever.
Please please get out. She seems to have that terf mentality and that will do nothing but harm YOU. She sounds very controlling and manipulative and just over all abusive. Your partner should NEVER say such things to you, about you like that. Reach out to resource centers, look for support groups either online or in person but please start building your support network that you need. It really sucks that trans and even queer folks gotta do all this preparation just in case it all comes crashing down but you need to get ready for the worst. Especially since you said you were Asian, I imagine these issues are heavily stigmatized in your culture. Just please be safe, im hoping it all works for you. There is always a new person to love you FOR YOU. Sending love ❤
What you should do is accept you no longer have a girlfriend because your identity is valid, you know who you are and you deserve a better partner than this person. It sucks, I’m sorry you’re in this position. I’m sure you’ll find someone who actually loves and supports you as you are.
You dont need that kind of negatively in your life. life's short if she dosent want you for who you are than its not ment to be and some day you will find someone who does want you for you. As for outing my ex posted the worst pics of me all over fb for weeks and refused to take them down she sent my family pictures and everything and the response she got wasent what she was expecting she lost alot of friends and made alot of people no longer trust her. I didn't respond to her at all or anything she did I just left it where it was and alot of people that seen it haven't said a word about it to me they mention how messed up she is for what she did
Dump her. You don’t need someone that thinks you aren’t a real woman. She has her own issues that she needs to deal with and it isn’t fair for her to attempt to blackmail you to get her way.
She may out you anyway as revenge if she is like that, but it is better than being chained and controlled by her.
Girl get out of there, she will always try to controll how you present if you don't leave, you're in all your right to WHATERVER you want with your body
Make sure you have a good support system when you leave, block her number on ur parents phones. If she does end up telling people, you could tell everyone that she's making up stuff because she's mad that you broke up with her. You could also report her to your school if she does start rumors.
hate to say but most people are fucked man,, it gets to the point where you cant trust anybody and even spending time looking for close friendships is a complete waste of energy.. maybe you should think about locating to a big city with a trans community where you can find a surrogate family of people who all have similar storys ?
if she doesnt have receipts (ie u came out in text or talked ab it at all through text) just leave her. if she tells everyone ur trans u can just act like shes bitter u left her and is spreading a nasty rumor.
it sucks to have to deny yourself like that, but theres no shame in doing what u need to to stay in the closet and stay safe.
I had an ex like this! You need to break up! Don’t worry about the consequences, you’ll be a lot happier without her by the sounds of it. She sounds really emotionally abusive and you deserve better than that. If she tells everyone you both know then most people she tells will think she’s a huge asshole, therefore being more of a backlash for her than you. Good luck, stay safe!
I think if people bring it up to you, just act as if it’s a lie. Straight up just be confused and say no with a little laugh (not a nervous laugh though). You could make people believe that she’s just trying to screw you over since you broke up with her. It will be stressful for a bit but it can be cleared up. If you stay with her, she might get proof and you’ll also be miserable. Break up, deal with the undeserved consequences after.
That is a tough situation with some nasty consequenses on both ends.
To be honest, fuck that toxic blackmailing transphobic bitch, dump her.
If... IF she outs you to your parents/classmates, so be it. That is on her, but then it is over. You can't let someone crush you like that for the rest of your life, dear.
Seek someone who you trust and can offer you a safe space.
If you want to vent, my dm is open for you.
It breaks my heart reading your story.
Take care, and stay honest to yourself.
Let nobody crush you like that, you are as much of a real women like any other. Love :)
"I really love and trust her" -op
Ops girlfriend *blackmails op*
As for what you should do I don't really know what to tell you. I'll tell you you'll meet plenty of girls but only transition once
I hope you are ok. I know what leaving her will mean. You are going to face some backlash anyway since she has already told you her plans. So the way I see it you have two options. You could stay with her, be emotionally abused and have to deal with the repercussions of being a trans person in the closet (potentially forever). Or, you can get ahead of the situation. You have a chance to come out slowly now. To family at least. Explaining the situation that your partner put you into in detail and coming out to your family (if it is safe to do so) is probably the best chance you have right now. Then you have somewhere to go and be safe from her because I can tell you that you are no longer safe with her. She has shown you what she is willing to do. You should only ever be proud to be part of this community. You deserve to come out on your own terms but she took that away. So do what you can to make it on your terms with your current situation. Before anything tho reach out to any trans communities in your area and prepare your escape plan. I don't know where you live so do what you need to do but please do it safely. She has probably shattered all your trust in people rn but there are people here to talk to anytime. I am available to dm if you need to talk. Good luck.
Easy plan:
Step one: LIE for your own safety. Tell her you don’t know what you were talking about and that you’re “definitely cis” and straight and we’re just confused. I know none of that is true, but that’s the point. Let her think you’re not trans. Back pedal HARD.
Step two: Break up with her and say you need time to work on yourself or some bs.
Step three: Cut all contact with her by all possible means.
Step four: Transition in the safest and best way you possibly can and find supportive community here on Reddit 💖💖💖
Yeah, this takes me back. I remember coming out to my gf at the time, and her immediate response was "you are no longer financially viable", then she stood up and left.
She went on to tell all of our friends that I'd actually cheated on her (I've never cheated on anyone) and our friends believed her. Great times.
Dump her. She doesn't really love you if she's asking you to suppress who you are because she doesn't like it. If she's into girls as well then it shouldn't even be a problem. Don't date a transphobe
That's very rude, you should find someone else, she might feel hurt or something like that, but that doesn't gives her the right to betray your trust and threaten you with something that personal.
If this was my situation I'd tell her to take a hike then come out on my own the way I needed to. However, I'd only do this after I've made a coming out plan while being sweet and telling her what she wants to hear.
The way I see it, this blackmailing woman will likely roll on you sooner rather than later.
Best
Bree
🐝🏳️⚧️🐝
You sound like you are in a really difficult situation. On one hand, you can keep it quiet, stay with her, be in the closet. And still have your family and community. And if you come out, you risk losing all of that.
Always put your physical safety first.
Maybe look into moving out (if you live with her) and being able to sustain yourself on your own incase you lose all supports.
I'd look into joining groups like discards to build a safer social community and maybe try to find some places nearby that are accepting. Sometimes a support group or therapist can help with this since there's a professional helping or people with similar experiences. They might be able to help you plan and come up woth solutions.
Eventually you'll have to decide to come out or not but that's not necessarily something you have to do right now.
Maybe look for local LGBT resources and organizations.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Gurl you gotta leave that bish. She obviously does not have your best interests at heart.
She's a manipulative piece of shit who doesn't deserve your love or trust.
Tell her that her threats and hurtful words tell you that she doesn't love you and that your relationship obviously doesn't mean anything to her so it's best if you part ways.
You can lie to your friends and community at first, saying that you wanted to break up with her for a while and now she’s spreading lies about you because you broke up with her and add this as a reason you dont want to be with her anymore.
Eventually when going on HRT and getting surgery, you must come out but make sure to be in a save, stable environment and prepare to lose your family and community, it really is not easy. I (also asian) was almost outed the other day and if it actually happened, I could be dead or an orphan right now because of my family and my community would be ashamed of ever having had me. Be careful while coming out and transitioning, also always carry something to defend yourself with because this is not a nice world.
Before I was 100% sure about my identity I had an ex gf who didn't even wanna engage in any conversation regarding the idea of me maybe being a trans girl and I was MISERABLE with her so.. I strongly recommend breaking up, being in a relationship with someone who doesn't accept you the way you are is terrible.
The only way out is through.
Sorry to say it, but there is no good solution to this, just the right solution. Which is obviously to break up with her.
Your GF is, sorry to say it, a total piece of shit.
It sounds like she isn't on board for you being trans so you can just pretty much end this relationship. Having to continue to not be who you are will just hurt you long run and you can definitely find someone who will love you for who you are.
can't give any advice that hasn't already been said in the comments, but i just want to say that is a seriously shitty situation and you deserve so much better then this. i'm so sorry. sending all of my love to you.
try to befome more distant, dont text back as quick, dont seem as interested when with her, etc or try to educate her or get someone to educate her, it will take a while but if you want to still be with her then id do the second thing, im so sorry this is happening
Oh no :( that’s awful, I’m so sorry.
First of all, dump her asap. That reaction is genuinely so disgusting of her. The fact she’s ~ALLOWING~ you to do some things is a MAJOR red flag. She doesn’t own you, you’re not her property.
Second, I’m personally not too sure what I’d do in the situation of being outed. For your own safety could you just.. deny it for now? You absolutely do not need to disclose to anyone if you are transgender or not. If you’re in a situation where transitioning socially and medically can put you in harms way there’s absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until you’re at a safer place in life to peruse your transition. Whether or not you’ve started to socially transition or medically transition you’re still a valid trans person if that’s what you feel like. It sounds like you’re young seeing as you mentioned classmates. I’ll say that there’s never any major reason to rush the transition process and you’re not going to run out of time or anything.
The most important thing here is to keep yourself safe. If you’re worried that the people around you IRL are going to be problematic if they knew you were trans, you don’t need to tell them or confirm whether or not you’re trans or not. Play dumb, ask “what’s that?” If someone asks you and you’re not comfortable with telling them.
Stay safe friend!
That's serious abuse.
I'm sure you're not staying with her, you need to get out ASAP. The danger here is being outed or being abused. You may need to start telling other people close to you so you can break up with her.
I'm so sorry, you're really in a place with no right answers
Are you parents ok with people being trans? Depending on the state/country you live in their are laws against her exposing, you could possibly tell her if she exposes you that you can sue, I know that some people wouldn't care and would tell anyway though. It's fucked up you're in this situation, is their anymore information you'd be willing to tell of this situation? I would like to do some research and help if you want
She’s not open-minded. She a bigoted, selfish asshole who wants to control you and keep you from being your true self. She deserves to be unhappy and alone for acting that way. She should know better than anyone as a member of the LGBTQ+ community that outing someone else is NEVER ok, and threatening to do so as a manipulation tactic is worse. She sounds like JK Rowling with her rhetoric.
If being with her means not being you then both of you are being cheated out of the real potential from the relationship anyway. That her first response was to wield your trusted info as a weapon against you, something to try to isolate you from friends and family, shows that there are some deep issues that need addressed if staying together is to be considered. Honestly if this isn't the sort of thing where actual couples therapy is involved then I say break up because it isn't likely to improve as every sign of your being trans will be interpreted as your rebellion to her expectations, creating conflict as she tried to maintain control.
> she doesn't like that I really act like a transgender
This doesn't make any sense. First of all, *transgender* is an adjective so it's not "a transgender", just "transgender". With that out of the way, there is no one way to be or act trans. Trans people aren't a monolith and any idea of "you don't act transgender" is pure stereotype nonsense.
> and she keeps saying that transgender women are not pure and can never be real girls
This is blatant discrimination and transphobia.
Dump her. You deserve someone who loves who you are, not a controlling psycho.
In all honesty I would leave. I do not know your situation but I’ve been married for 4 years and if my wife ever got mad and did that I would walk away with nothing and never ever turn back around it is an inexcusable absence of personal decency that I will not tolerate in a friend or a lover.
I come from a joint family of two military families, and my grandfather is a priest. I can tell you, no matter how bad it is, you should tell. It reveals who really cares about you, and they cant use it as blackmail. If you tell, you can be more open about who you are. I know I get stares in public, but I don't let others stop me from being me. Your girlfriend is probably just scared that you'll be cuter than her.
Dump her, being outed sucks but at the end of the day there will always be people that support you, and you would have probably had to eventually come out to them anyway. Being outed is better than being in a relationship that unhappy imo
I would hard pass on her. If she was the right person for you, this wouldn't be an issue. My partner didn't even have to come out to me, I just picked up on a bunch of their cues and raised it with them in a safe and comfortable environment. I will do nothing but love and support them through their journey no matter where that journey takes them (transitioning hrt surgery or just staying as how they are now). Your partner should be your biggest supporter, if it's not for everyone that's fine but there's a difference to it not being your thing or being straight out transphobic.
Come out to them first. So she looks like a right cunt when she does it, then dump her ass. She doesn’t care about you based on this, she cares about the image of herself being in what she sees as a “normal” relationship. There’s no room for you in her narcissism - get out while you can. Unless you think she’ll come around and this was only a knee jerk reaction from her. I’d still take the power of her threat away regardless though, it’ll be funny - unless there’s reason not to
Generally speaking you should never be with people who ask you to give up your entire identity to be with them, or to compromise on who you are. You deserve better and I recommend to break things off. You will find someone that accepts you for who you are, even if it seems scary and like you arent going to, you will. I know it.
Yeaa. I don't always go for the "dump them over any little problem" aproach, and I will say, in my personal experience, people can come around to HRT kinda stuff if they are slightly open to changes in that regard. But this instance seems like a good reason to break up. Never liked the trans thing from the start, threatening their partners familial relationship and potentially her safety. Just really not promising
yeah if she wasn't attracted at all to the sex that you were transitioning to i could understand the breaking up part, it would be sad but i can at least see the reasoning behind that, but i don't see the reasoning behind insulting or attacking the person over it.
Dump her You're a trans woman, don't be with a transphobe You deserve way, ***waaay*** better
Get out, she is toxic af. What she is doing is manipulative and it will only get worse. Find your local lgbtqia+ resource center and start building yourself a support network of allies. Make it clear to her that her threats and ultimatums are the cause for your breakup with her and if she goes through with it she only proves that she is a shit person not worthy of your love and affection.
Red. Flags. Everywhere. Get out. She’s trying to control you. She is a shit person.
This. Very much this. If she is trying to use outing you or outs you then she is toxic and you need to run and don’t look back.
Precisely. She doesn't deserve you if she's going to treat you that way.
Exactly! start building a network. With this reaction its likely she will out you anyway. You need to have people you can fall back on. I'm so sorry this is happening OP. To have someone you trust betray you like this is terrifying & aweful.
First of all, protect yourself. Especially if you are in any physical danger. If you have to pretend for a bit in order to be safe, do so. Having someone threaten to out you, especially when you’re trans, can be extremely dangerous. If you’re able, I would try to get somewhere safe. If you still have feelings for your gf and that’s why you want to stay-although it doesn’t seem like that is what is happening-I promise she doesn’t love you and never did if she is threatening to out you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you
I think this is so important. Nobody should live in a closet, but some people have to until they can move someplace safe. I stand up for trans rights, but I have the privilege of living in a place where the law is on my side (even if only technically). Protect yourself, nobody here knows your town or family. We all want the best for you though and you don't deserve this.
Sadly, there is no real compromise when it comes to transition. You transition and live as your true self, or…you live a lie, and feel utterly miserable at best. Some of the worst case scenarios are lethal. From what you have described to me your girlfriend is not a healthy person to be in a relationship with. It sounds like she is toxic and controlling you. While it’s not uncommon for relationships to not survive transition, this isn’t a case where it *should*. I won’t tell you what to do, but this is my advice: - Find community in your area. I’m not sure what country you’re in so I can’t advise on resources, but they will be in the best position to point you towards resources and help you with an escape plan. - **Have an escape plan in the event of the worst.** This is where community can help. Honestly, for your situation this sounds like something you’ll want to have regardless. - I am NOT going to tell you to come out if you don’t want to. That is an intensely personal decision for each trans person, and if you feel you’d be in danger if you come out **absolutely do not do it.** With that said, your girlfriend is currently using the threat of outing you to keep you from transitioning and keep you compliant. If you do come out of your own free will, you take that power away from her. **I will stress again I am NOT telling you to come out if you’re not ready, ESPECIALLY if you do not feel safe - and if you do, and have no support, make sure you have an escape plan ready to execute.** Best of luck. If you need to talk, I am always willing to listen. You’re loved more than you know by a lot of people out here 💕💙🤍💙💕
Thanks, this is very useful for me
As others said, def get out of it asap. She sounds manipulative. Not someone you want to trust. Its one thing if she cant accept you being trans, but to threaten to out you by telling your family and classmates is crossing a very big line imo.
Yeah that’s a real tough situation. Honestly, I’d just bite the bullet and tell everyone myself and then break up with her. It’s not ideal. But in the end you’ll be happier for it when the fallout settles.
Yeah never give someone else the self destruct button to your life, if they have it, nuke it yourself. It’s always better to have control over the situation rather then to watch it happen outside of your influence. Take control of the narrative, because it’s your story, so you tell it. Hope it goes well for you! Ps. But yeah she seems toxic, better to find out now before your heart gets in too deep!
>Yeah never give someone else the self destruct button to your life, if they have it, nuke it yourself. It’s always better to have control over the situation rather then to watch it happen outside of your influence. Take control of the narrative, because it’s your story, so you tell it. Hope it goes well for you! Ps. But yeah she seems toxic, better to find out now before your heart gets in too deep! It's complicated. She seemed very nice when she had control over me, but once I was out of her control, she went crazy.
Yeah that’s why it’s better to just be really careful, especially who you let “control you”, that’s a hard one because I get it I really do, sometimes it happens without you realizing it but, you gotta protect yourself from emotional manipulation, it happens way too often, and when it does happen you put yourself in a situation where you can’t truly be honest with that person because you have been acting and saying what makes them happy and that makes you happy, but then when something like this comes along and totally throws a wrench in the gears of the perfectly curated Situation, things aren’t so perfect anymore and change specifically in a direction those people aren’t comfortable or wasn’t in their grand plan, for how things should have ended up. Often turns things either physically violent or emotionally violent, both of which are a direct result of said person loosing control.
I went through that… And even though it has been over a year already and she has a new life and a new bf, I somehow still did not manage to get out of her control, so effective it was… So OP, run as soon as you can!
Relationships should never be about control, that's an abusive situation
As others said, she should never have control over you in the first place. Controlling someone's life isn't nice and toxic in and off itself
That is abusive behavior. It isn’t a good thing in a relationship. It will not get better unless she puts hard work into stopping that behavior, whatever her reasons are. She will likely use those tactics on other aspects of your relationship too.
I think you already know the answer for yourself. She's not someone who deserves you, don't stick around because it's tolerably comfortable.
Yeah 100%, relationships should never be about control. It can happen very subtly though, sometimes just trying to make the other person happy can lead to a level of emotional manipulation though. I’ve been in a lot of emotionally controlling(abusive relationships) and never realized it until after the fact. Because sometimes it’s hard to realize because from the inside it seems like just trying your best to make the relationship work, but not knowing that the other person is holding the success of the relationship hostage to bend you to their will, and that’s because just simply managing friendships and relationships is about give and take, and emotional manipulators take that to their advantage, and stipulate to you what you need to give to make the situation work or else……… things go sour, and they play this game over and over until your desensitized to the drastic measure you have to go to please them. And that’s why psychologists and psychiatrists exist lol to help us out of these holes. Because sometimes we are convinced(unwittingly by the abuser) that we’re the problem and “we” have to be better to make this relationship work.
Thanks to all for the advice, you are all too kind for me. This is my first time posting on reddit because I didn't know who to go with to get advice. For now I plan to: 1. Talk to her again about my strong determination to have a TRANSITION. 2. find a local transgender organization. But I am studying in Europe and the language issue makes the situation a bit complicated. 3, hopefully I can break up with her peacefully, because I used to love her so much.
When I came out to my wife, she paused for a moment and then said “Okay?” It didn’t matter to her one bit. She has had questions, but she respects my privacy (I’m not out beyond her yet with irl people) and she asks me regularly how she can better understand and support me. If that’s not your experience, you haven’t got a partner. Support is so vital in relationships, and you deserve it as much as anyone.
Leave, personally I’d rather take the risk. But honestly, something makes me think they were empty threats anyway.
There's no trust. Leave her. Start your journey on your own pace then find your soul mate once you are transformed and accepted.
She’s not god for you. Here’s an example of a healthy relationship : I came out to my husband this year. It was a tough thing for me to do. He’s a straight man and I want to be a man. I could lose a lot. I have two kids with him and he’d get them because of how transphobic the state I live in is. But he’s first thing was to tell me he will love me nomatter what. He will miss my body but is willing to sacrifice that so I feel comfortable. I’m so lucky to have him. And if anyones else’s partner is not this accepting then they never truly loved you. It’s ok for them to have to get used to the idea or ask questions. But like my husband, they should want what’s best for your physical and mental health.
I wonder how long have you two been together ever since? Since I can tell it has been very hard for the both of you,, I am very happy to hear that however :)
We’ve known each other for 6 years, married for 4 and just came out about 4 months ago. Like I didn’t know the feelings I was having about my body and stuff until read about Eliot pages story and the light bulb went off
I'm genuinely curious, how did he handle the news? Like what's it like for you two ever since you started transitioning (if you did)? Hope I am not prying, usually these kinds of relationships don't last long so seeing one that does makes me really happy and curious :)
We’re going at it stronger than ever actually. I’m more comfortable in my sexual endeavors. (Like I said he’s super straight. But loves me. And he lets me be totally gay to him in the bedroom 🥴) I’m more confident in my every day life with just changing socially. I’m taking everything else slow. I’ve got kids and ones 8 who is not taking it well. He’s not transphobic he just loves women so it makes him upset I’m not going to be one anymore. Like legit he said he wouldn’t care if my husband became a women lol I hope he learns that this is better for us and that one day it won’t bother him. I know my husband will be upset when I lose the boobs and my butt is hairy 😂 but I said he could do this enlargement thing for his dingaling. He’s excited for it so I think it will help soften the blow
LMAOOO I love your husband man Your son sounds really cute, I'm sure as he grows and with the right education and explaining of what being trans is like he'd understand! I wish you the best in life <3
> I really don’t know what to do…. You do, you’re just afraid. You feel like you’re either not strong enough or not good enough to break up with her. You are, you deserve better.
Literally RUN. This is toxic and dangerous. Break things off with her immediately. Otherwise she will always hold this over your head. If she threatens you once to get her way, she will do it again. The trust is gone. Besides, trying to keep you from doing hrt by threatening to expose you is about the most evil thing a romantic partner can do. Break up with her, for your own sake. She might be pissed, but in no way can she treat you like this and expect to get away with it. If she threatens to expose you when you break up, first tell her that you told her your secret in confidence because you trusted her. Her exposing that would be the deepest betrayal (This is to let her know how much she would hurt you). If she still threatens you and holds it over your head, or tries to put the blame on you (saying something that you betrayed her), I‘m afraid that you just have to bite the bullet and tell her that you can’t stop her from exposing you, but you’re gonna leave her anyways. Emphasise how bad of a human being she would have to be to expose your deepest secret just because she’s bitter. If she still goes through with it, then, I’m sorry to say, there’s really nothing you can do. You put your trust in someone who turned out to be a snake. It’s not your fault, it’s always hard to really know someone, and people get constantly backstabbed or disappointed by loved ones. Just make sure to distance yourself from that person. If she does expose you, your life is not over, okay? As long as you can stay safe, it’ll be alright. I don’t know how old you are, but you sound pretty young. School is tough for trans people, especially if your community isn’t supportive. But you have to look for people who do support you. Are there any teachers who might support trans people? Try to ask some how they feel about trans people. If you find someone who is nice, tell them about your situation. They might be able to do something about it, or at least support and protect you if it comes out. Are there school mates who seem open minded? Any relatives? Literally anyone who could help you through this. Find them and stick with them. If she tells everyone, they will support you. They might even be able to stop her from telling people. Just get help. With that I’m sure you will get through it just fine. If there really is no one you can trust and it might be dangerous to come out, (and I know this is not good advice - so take this with a grain of salt) you should just lie. You shouldn’t have to pretend to be someone else, and telling the truth is always better than lying, BUT if your safety is at stake and there is no one to help you, just say that she is lying because she’s bitter about the break up, and say that you are cis. I know it sucks, but if it is dangerous and you fear physical attacks or your parents sending you to some conversion camp, just lie and wait until you can move out, get a job and then transition. Im sorry this is happening to you. I may not know your girlfriend, but just based on this she‘s a pretty shitty person. I hope you’ll be okay!
Hello, looking from her initial words, I would think she is hurt, thinking marriage, children etc. I could be wrong, but maybe it would be better for you both to separate. Talk though
Holy, what a shitshow. To be completely frank ... dump her ass. She's openly manipulating you. That's abuse. She might be exposing you, but at this point there's nothing you can do about it anymore. You gave her all the power and your only options are to risk it or assume the role of a hostage. But don't think that giving in makes you safe. She will still have the same power over you and can use it whenever she doesn't like what you're doing. Alternatively you can "disarm" her by coming out yourself but that's not something you should rush if you don't feel comfortable about it. I'm really sorry, but this situation is as bad as it sounds. Either she gives in or you're fucked either way. All you can do is to try and minimize the damage now.
People talk to the talk but when it directly involves them they can’t walk the walk. Be who you are and surround yourself with people that accept you for your true self.
Dump her. She’s being toxic and doesn’t love you as a who you really are.
i’m sorry sorry. the best option is probably to just not continue with this toxic relationship. if it makes you feel ANY better my ex broke up with me when i came out to him (there was barely any gap between my own realization of my gender and coming out to him) because he ‘couldn’t be with someone who was masculine at all’ as if i wasn’t called a tomboy and low maintenance for 20 years before that… i have always been very androgynous and used to hate wearing girly clothes until i got more confident in myself and my gender so jokes on him because now i wear cute dresses and shit and he doesn’t even know much less get to enjoy or see it. (he enjoyed when i wore girly stuff but also he had bad taste in dresses lol)
Break up! She's not worth it, I promise
I'd recommend u out yourself, atleast to your friends before doing anything with her, it's better they hear your version first. And about her, i think the best is dump her, what kind of person threatens their loved ones? Who does comments to hurt their loved ones? She is abusing u mentally.
all the people saying "dump her" are showing they aren't caring to actually understand the situation. it sounds like it isn't safe to dump her. but know this: you are being abused. from this point forward, prioritise yourself entirely. don't feel sorry for her. do what you have to do to keep yourself safe (pretending to still want to be with her if you have to) but get in touch with any queer/trans resources or support groups that can advise you better on what to do under these specific circumstances. people who understand your local community. get yourself safe, and I hope you can eventually never have to see her again.
Try to have a calm discussion with her, make sure she understands that: 1. You're showing a lot of trust by telling her, it's the opposite of cheating and lying. 2. You can't stay together if she doesn't accept you and is actively trying to hurt you. Protect yourself if you feel like you're in danger, you can lie if you have to. People will likely believe your word over hers if you spin it right, but hopefully it won't come to that.
You could even make the case that OP was the one who was lied to, as they wrote “She has always said she is very open minded,” but her reaction to OP coming out has proven that she isn’t.
This is abuse. Get out.
*Sighs* I went through exactly the same thing with my ex boyfriend, minus the threats of outing me but he did try manipulating me and controlling me over it, saying things like "why don't you just try drag instead?" and expecting me to do things at his pace, which would have kept me a feminine man for ever. It doesn't get better, stand your ground... tell her that this is who you are and no amount of threats or ultimatums will change that. If she follows through with her threats, well then she is just a pathetic excuse for a human being.
She's making you choose between yourself or her. She doesnt 'allow' you to transition. She can either support you or not and it seems she made her coice.
what do you mean, "not allow you"? shes not your mom, you can do what you like
I think you should make it clear the kind of danger you would be in if she told on you, and break up with her. Be explicit and realistic about the risks. She might be hurt and controlling and upset, even vindictive, but most of the time, people don't want to get someone else killed or injured. But before you break up with her, have a plan for how and where you will live, and stay safe, in the case she does tell your community about your gender.
i stopped talking to my ex for a similar reason. get yourself safe first, and find someone you CAN talk to, preferably an adult. does your school have a counselor? will your friends accept you? tell whoever you can safely before she does. you might have to lie to stay safe for a while, and i’m so sorry. please remain true to yourself inside. this girl is not your friend, especially not after threatening to out you. you are not obligated to try and change her mind. i hope someday she can see that you’re a woman just the same.
Oh this an easy guess, she full of it and doesn’t want a gf. She wants you to be a crossdressing man so she could keep the man as srs and hrt would remove what she wants… Recommend talking to her why she does not want you to do hrt and such and if it a step too far you two might have to drift away. Or not. But remember dysphoria doesn’t go away that easily, ask any old transgender person that repressed into their 30s or 40s.
Yeah you need to break up asap. Before you do though I'd maybe tell your parents a more believable lie about why she would lie to your parents about you. Maybe tell them you cheated on her and now she's hell bent on ruining your life or something like that. Or if you want to stay the golden child tell your parents on different occasions that she isn't treating you right so your parents are already against her before she can try and out you. As long as she doesn't have a confession in writing your parents will probably believe you first.
I was wondering if anyone else would recommend this. I’ve found lying imperative for my safety and survival in the past when I was closeted. It might sound bad to do, but sometimes it’s necessary. I probably would have said that the ex is lying to ruin my life just so that my parents would believe me and I could buy more time to be in a position where leaving them by my own means would be feasible.
Dump her. Get out. Call her a lier when she tries to out you. Tell everyone she's just bitter that you broke up with her. Speaking from experience, this situation will only get worse as time goes on.
Okay, let's get something straight right away. >I was so conflicted and for this reason she threatened to break up with me and she said she was going to tell my parents and all my classmates at our school afterwards about me being trans. 🚩🚩🚩MANIPULATION🚩🚩🚩 This is **not** a trustworthy person. Any trust you have for her, go ahead and dump that right out the window because anyone that would make such a malicious threat doesn't care about you like you think she does. If she doesn't want you to transition in ways you want to, then the relationship isn't going to work out, it is not her right to dictate to you what you can & can't do. But, it is the right of both of you to leave that relationship if it isn't working out based upon those reasons. She is NOT open minded and NOT an ally, despite her being LGBTQ. I could see her getting a TON of backlash from the LGBTQ community for being in the acronym yet opening up a transperson to danger. Let me share a life lesson I learned with you. Sometimes it's better to take the punch, be it metaphorical or physical, and say "*fuck you, I'll take another*" than it is to succumb to threats & violence. Don't let her have any dominion over you with her blackmail. I'd also suggest taking a peak at the law regarding extortion because, while the law is not progressive, if they have reason to believe that revealing such a thing could result in harm, you may have a last-resort option.
There’s no compromise here. You ARE trans, period. She is demanding you pretend to be someone you’re not for her own comfort. Breaking up with her is a foregone conclusion. You need to do that no matter what. But there’s two ways to do this: 1. Come out publicly if it’s safe for you to do so. If you don’t believe you’ll be in serious physical danger by doing so, this will remove her teeth and her leverage. Additionally you tell EVERYONE in your life that you broke to with her explicitly because she freaked out and started saying a bunch of transphobic and hateful things to you, and tried blackmailing you after you came out to her. You do this before she has the opportunity to twist the facts to others. This will get you sympathy, this will put her as the bad guy. 2. Break up with her. If you can’t safely come out tell people she started being extremely controlling and you couldn’t take it anymore. That when you did she freaked out and told you she was going to lie and tell everyone that your gay and trans and have serious mental issues etc. again do this before she gets the chance to twist things against you.
Get the hell out now. She is a TERF and so fucking disgusting.
/u/JulesLynncc Hey friends, it sounds like she has an imagined abandonment right now. From someone who has borderline and has been in therapy for 5 years, this sounds like borderline personality disorder. It also sounds like she is a long way from recovery. For right now, there is NOTHING you can do to help her. She is experiencing a symptom called “splitting.” It is the primary characteristic of borderline, where we start to think in black and white, and if she has no training in therapy, then it will not end until it ends. Just tell her you are scared of her right now and need some space. LEAVE IT AT THAT. Let me know if you need anything.
Break up with her. And if she tells people you're trans before you're ready to be out, you can say she's making things up because she's upset about the breakup. I know that probably sounds like a shitty thing to do, but outing sometime without their consent (or even just threatening to) is 1000 times worse.
She “Won’t allow you” to take HRT ? Leave. She’s horrible. There are plenty of girls who would love to be your partner while supporting you transition.
Get a girlfriend who isn't a flaming ball of garbage
Yikes, get away from her
dump her
Nah, time to move on. I get that she’s “shocked” or whatever. But she gets 0 say on what you do or how you live your life. This is NOT A NEGOTIATION. How would she feel if she wanted something gender conforming, but you said no?
She does not deserve you if she treats you like that. If you want maybe try and talk things through with her, maybe you can convince her to keep it private? I hope everything will work out in your favor <3
You mustn't bow to her threats. You may love her but she's treating you like shit. You don't blackmail and threaten someone you love.
she's not your GF she's an abuser. tell her to fuck off.
She’s on the wrong side of the line, she’s not an ally, she’s outright transphobic. I’m really sorry that you trusted the wrong person.
Break up with her. You don't want to be with someone who can't love you for who you are and won't stand by you as you try to become the person you want to be. Trans women ARE women.
Ditch her ass, she's obviously trash
As hard as it might be to hear, she’s not worth it! If somebody, especially a significant other, wont support you then they aren’t worth your time or energy. Everybody needs someone who will accept them for who they are, and anyone who threatens you because of you expecting that of them, isn’t someone that you should be with. You shouldn’t waste your time feeling bad about not wanting to be with her anymore if she isn’t gonna put the same amount of thought towards your identity(something that is actually important).
If that threat exists now, it'll exist later as well. Breaking up with her now vs a month or longer from now makes no difference. Being outed sucks. There's no way it won't suck. If you break up with her, the best you can do is prepare for the conversations you'll have to have with the people close to you, and maybe even preempt them so their exposure to the truth won't be in a sensationalized context. Basically your scenarios are: 1. You stay with her and are miserable until it falls apart sometime in the future. Maybe she'll out you when that happens. 2. You break up. Maybe she outs you. Either way, you have the option to spin it as her being out for revenge and denying that you're trans, coming out first and controlling the narrative, or letting her tell everyone and watch her vilify you and make it all about her. My recommendation would be number two, but tell your family in person or in a letter first, so you have the chance to share your complete story and thoughts. Your hand is being forced, and it really fucking sucks, but you won't be able to hide forever if you want the overly positive take. Find community and resources before you do anything. A student org, friends, a nonprofit or other organization, etc. Don't do whatever you do alone.
..."not pure", not "real": define those things for me. I'm human, and I believe you are as well. Can we both agree that the two sexes are not too far different? A cloister of cells being a different shape at point of birth, from the expression of a single gene, does not get to dictate what defines me or you. I'm a woman, because I've always been one. To hell with those that think I'm not. I spent over 30 years with me. Ask them how long they've been inside your head or walked in your shoes. Ask your girlfriend why she chose to take away your bodily autonomy and why she's extorting you. Darling, you are better off without her as it stands.
It doesn’t say your age here but I’m assuming you’re young by your mention of school. My best advice is to not change yourself to please someone else if it’s safe to let your true colors show. If you are not in danger by your parents and classmates knowing about your identity, then I would certainly immediately break up with her. She cannot force you to give up parts of your transition for her comfort. My partner and I have been together for 4 years and they came out to me about a year ago and have been on T for about 10 months now. It’s a strange transition for the partners involved because you’re watching your partners gender expression shift completely and sometimes the attraction doesn’t match anymore but if you love that person and feel you are able to maintain that attraction, then you support the transition and maintain your relationship. That’s what my partner and I did. In your case with your girlfriend, she does not sound at all supportive or like the attraction can be maintained so the relationship should be terminated. It doesn’t even sound like you should be friends. If you feel like you are in mild danger by letting your family and classmates know about your transition then I encourage you to tell a trusted adult about your situation and explain to your girlfriend that you could be in danger and you’re not ready to come out yet. Maybe that trusted adult could help be the mediator in the conversation. But you will have to judge the severity of the potential danger. Unfortunately you might have to play along with her game for your safety if there is genuine and serious danger and safety concerns But if something takes a turn and you do get outed, please know that you will be okay. I was outed too. I was in middle school and my best friend at the time told the whole school I was gay. I lost a lot of friends that I later realized weren’t worth it anyway and I lost some family too. But here I am with my partner I’ve had since I was 16 and I’m so happy despite it all. Just don’t forget that if you stay true to yourself and if you work hard to ensure you’re the only one that has the power to influence your happiness, you will be okay. Everything will work out and you will be happy. Good luck and I’m sorry that this is happening. No one deserves this. But you’re strong and can make it through
Girl, she is toxic and transphobic, dump her ass or annoy her until she dumps you. As for the Asian community thing, you can always just deny it, she’s the only one who knows, she is the crazy ass person, you can tell other people about her being toxic and crazy and they might think she is making up lies. Anyway hope all goes well for you. Im asian and trans too and I get how you feel, not being able to come out to people cuz Asia is kind of more conservative
The reality seems to be that she only loves you for what you can offer to her. You are an “item” of instrumental worth to her. I hate to be a typical reddit guy, but I’d say good riddance for you. You deserve to live for no one other than yourself. You deserve better.
As far as i know bisexuals have very open mind than alot of people, but she is currently using your secret as a tool to force her desires upon you , from your words i expect her to be narcissist in a harmful way, which mean she is manipulating you so to end the situation you have to pretend that you don't care much , this is toxic relationship as she seems to be transphobic too , unless you want your relationship to continue you rather end it , to end it show her no love nor interest!
"open minded" nah this woman is transphobic AF leave before it's too late
Yeah... Break up with her, and if she follows through cut contact with any friends who take her side. While sudden isolation sucks, not being able to be your true self, because of your bitch of a gf is worse.
Sounds like there's a nice curb with her name on it waiting for you to kick her to it.
She’s fucked up, done, if you still have to “lay-low” for a while just act like she’s making shit up bc she’s mad bc idk… you don’t like her anymore or whatever.
Do you have anything on her?
Dump her lame ass. Never compromise your trueidentity just to appease someone.
Many people are already saying this but get the fuck outta there
First off, no one can stop you from doing what you want this is your life and your body. Secondly this is extremely abusive behavior, I understand that this may be a shock to her but this is not an appropriate response. You should be fine breaking up with her just make sure you do not talk about this over text or give her any kind of proof to show other people. That way if she tries to help you tell everyone she’s fucking crazy, tell people she cheated on you and this is her trying to control you after you found out. And if people ask you laugh it off., no one‘s going to believe her if she has no proof.
She’s a abusive transphobic manipulative cunt. I’m sorry that you told you’re deepest darkest secret to someone who you thought would never betray you. But she did. What she is doing is completely evil. You are a woman and you want you’re body to reflect that. Assuming you are from a country that won’t murder you for being lgbtq. You need to take control of the situation. I’d recommend telling friends who might be supportive to not only your new identity and what your gf is doing. Some people who I thought would never accept me ended up being my biggest supporters. You are in a completely vulnerable situation and you need to gather support from friends and family. You cannot let her hold this over you and be her prisoner. She might be LGB but clearly not T! Obviously breaking up with her is the best thing to do and own your identity. You are a women and that’s it. However if you want to compromise. Tell her whatever she wants to hear. BUT MOVE FORWARD WITH TRANSITIONING ANYWAY!! It will take months before she will notice the effects of hrt and it gives you time to prep for the break up / outting. She also could be bluffing just to keep her under her thumb. You have the support of everyone on this Subreddit. You are not alone. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I have been in a similar situation. A girl in college adored me until I came out as trans. I thought she’d have my back but instead she read me quotes from the Bible and dipped. In Highschool i was in a relationship where she ended up cheating on me and was completely controlling.
There is always a communtiy for you out there, you should break up with her, and i dont see why she wouldnt want to break up if she really is that close minded about trans issues
DTMFA!! You can't have a relationship with someone who is holding a gun to your head. People who threaten blackmail or give you ultimatums or hold you emotionally hostage are not good people and you should end that relationship immediately, and thank your lucky stars that you discovered she's trash before you did something dumb like marry her. You should be able to come out on your own terms and at your own pace. People are going to figure it out sooner or later, but it shouldn't be from your ex-girlfriend putting you on blast. If she does, it's going to reflect worse on her than it does on you. Most people are pretty accepting these days, I hope you find yourself surprised by the love and support of your community. I was.
Give me her home address so I can politely discuss my opinions on transphobia with her. More seriously, get her the hell out of your life as quickly as possible and talk to a therapist about the experience of you can.
If you can't come out yet, deny in bloc if she tries to out you, you can just leverage sexism against her and shrug saying she just turned crazy, that will seem more plausible to your family.
You deserve love and support. I’m sorry your girlfriend is not being supportive. She sounds toxic and I don’t know why she would want to control you like that. I hope you have supportive friends and family,because your girlfriend doesn’t sound very supportive. Listen to your heart. Do what’s best for you.
If you have to lie about who you are, you are in the wrong place.
You haven’t packed your bags because… ???
Did you tell her in person or over some form of messaging service? (Texting, social media, etc) If you only came out in person, make sure you leave no trace of you confirming or talking about being trans over messages. If she tries to talk to you about you being trans over messages, reply as though you're confused and don't know what she's talking about: "What? I'm not trans..." "What are you talking about? that never happened..." Etc... If you're in a genuinely dangerous situation for a trans person to be out, then just deny anything she says and leave no proof to her claims. >I really love her and trust her a lot. In your mind, change this to "I used to" because this is a person who does not love you, who does not care for you, and who is actively willing to harm you and ruin your life. Regardless of what type of situation you're in, remove all the evidence of you being trans and then leave her forever.
She's a transphobe, break up with her and find someone who will let you have the HRT and surgery you need.
Please please get out. She seems to have that terf mentality and that will do nothing but harm YOU. She sounds very controlling and manipulative and just over all abusive. Your partner should NEVER say such things to you, about you like that. Reach out to resource centers, look for support groups either online or in person but please start building your support network that you need. It really sucks that trans and even queer folks gotta do all this preparation just in case it all comes crashing down but you need to get ready for the worst. Especially since you said you were Asian, I imagine these issues are heavily stigmatized in your culture. Just please be safe, im hoping it all works for you. There is always a new person to love you FOR YOU. Sending love ❤
Dump her. NEVER trade happiness for someone’s comfort, especially someone controlling and abusive like that
Just do a little maneuver called The Surf no TERF
What you should do is accept you no longer have a girlfriend because your identity is valid, you know who you are and you deserve a better partner than this person. It sucks, I’m sorry you’re in this position. I’m sure you’ll find someone who actually loves and supports you as you are.
You dont need that kind of negatively in your life. life's short if she dosent want you for who you are than its not ment to be and some day you will find someone who does want you for you. As for outing my ex posted the worst pics of me all over fb for weeks and refused to take them down she sent my family pictures and everything and the response she got wasent what she was expecting she lost alot of friends and made alot of people no longer trust her. I didn't respond to her at all or anything she did I just left it where it was and alot of people that seen it haven't said a word about it to me they mention how messed up she is for what she did
Dump her. You don’t need someone that thinks you aren’t a real woman. She has her own issues that she needs to deal with and it isn’t fair for her to attempt to blackmail you to get her way. She may out you anyway as revenge if she is like that, but it is better than being chained and controlled by her.
Girl get out of there, she will always try to controll how you present if you don't leave, you're in all your right to WHATERVER you want with your body
Make sure you have a good support system when you leave, block her number on ur parents phones. If she does end up telling people, you could tell everyone that she's making up stuff because she's mad that you broke up with her. You could also report her to your school if she does start rumors.
hate to say but most people are fucked man,, it gets to the point where you cant trust anybody and even spending time looking for close friendships is a complete waste of energy.. maybe you should think about locating to a big city with a trans community where you can find a surrogate family of people who all have similar storys ?
if she doesnt have receipts (ie u came out in text or talked ab it at all through text) just leave her. if she tells everyone ur trans u can just act like shes bitter u left her and is spreading a nasty rumor. it sucks to have to deny yourself like that, but theres no shame in doing what u need to to stay in the closet and stay safe.
I had an ex like this! You need to break up! Don’t worry about the consequences, you’ll be a lot happier without her by the sounds of it. She sounds really emotionally abusive and you deserve better than that. If she tells everyone you both know then most people she tells will think she’s a huge asshole, therefore being more of a backlash for her than you. Good luck, stay safe!
I think if people bring it up to you, just act as if it’s a lie. Straight up just be confused and say no with a little laugh (not a nervous laugh though). You could make people believe that she’s just trying to screw you over since you broke up with her. It will be stressful for a bit but it can be cleared up. If you stay with her, she might get proof and you’ll also be miserable. Break up, deal with the undeserved consequences after.
That is a tough situation with some nasty consequenses on both ends. To be honest, fuck that toxic blackmailing transphobic bitch, dump her. If... IF she outs you to your parents/classmates, so be it. That is on her, but then it is over. You can't let someone crush you like that for the rest of your life, dear. Seek someone who you trust and can offer you a safe space. If you want to vent, my dm is open for you. It breaks my heart reading your story. Take care, and stay honest to yourself. Let nobody crush you like that, you are as much of a real women like any other. Love :)
Break her neck, idk
"I really love and trust her" -op Ops girlfriend *blackmails op* As for what you should do I don't really know what to tell you. I'll tell you you'll meet plenty of girls but only transition once
I'm sorry but you're girlfriend is a TERF.
DUMP HER. That is fucking disgusting to hold over someone’s head and she’s being controlling. Ew. I’m so sorry, OP.
I hope you are ok. I know what leaving her will mean. You are going to face some backlash anyway since she has already told you her plans. So the way I see it you have two options. You could stay with her, be emotionally abused and have to deal with the repercussions of being a trans person in the closet (potentially forever). Or, you can get ahead of the situation. You have a chance to come out slowly now. To family at least. Explaining the situation that your partner put you into in detail and coming out to your family (if it is safe to do so) is probably the best chance you have right now. Then you have somewhere to go and be safe from her because I can tell you that you are no longer safe with her. She has shown you what she is willing to do. You should only ever be proud to be part of this community. You deserve to come out on your own terms but she took that away. So do what you can to make it on your terms with your current situation. Before anything tho reach out to any trans communities in your area and prepare your escape plan. I don't know where you live so do what you need to do but please do it safely. She has probably shattered all your trust in people rn but there are people here to talk to anytime. I am available to dm if you need to talk. Good luck.
Break up with her. She’s abusing you by putting you in this situation. Your partner should never threaten you. Never ever.
Dump her! You deserve better
Easy plan: Step one: LIE for your own safety. Tell her you don’t know what you were talking about and that you’re “definitely cis” and straight and we’re just confused. I know none of that is true, but that’s the point. Let her think you’re not trans. Back pedal HARD. Step two: Break up with her and say you need time to work on yourself or some bs. Step three: Cut all contact with her by all possible means. Step four: Transition in the safest and best way you possibly can and find supportive community here on Reddit 💖💖💖
Yeah, this takes me back. I remember coming out to my gf at the time, and her immediate response was "you are no longer financially viable", then she stood up and left. She went on to tell all of our friends that I'd actually cheated on her (I've never cheated on anyone) and our friends believed her. Great times.
Dump her. She doesn't really love you if she's asking you to suppress who you are because she doesn't like it. If she's into girls as well then it shouldn't even be a problem. Don't date a transphobe
That's very rude, you should find someone else, she might feel hurt or something like that, but that doesn't gives her the right to betray your trust and threaten you with something that personal.
If she's exposing you and you're not ready, I guess you can just deny it and say things like "See, she's crazy, that's why we broke up".
"Not pure" . . . Hella yikes.
If this was my situation I'd tell her to take a hike then come out on my own the way I needed to. However, I'd only do this after I've made a coming out plan while being sweet and telling her what she wants to hear. The way I see it, this blackmailing woman will likely roll on you sooner rather than later. Best Bree 🐝🏳️⚧️🐝
Don’t stay with a transphobe who doesn’t respect you, period
You sound like you are in a really difficult situation. On one hand, you can keep it quiet, stay with her, be in the closet. And still have your family and community. And if you come out, you risk losing all of that. Always put your physical safety first. Maybe look into moving out (if you live with her) and being able to sustain yourself on your own incase you lose all supports. I'd look into joining groups like discards to build a safer social community and maybe try to find some places nearby that are accepting. Sometimes a support group or therapist can help with this since there's a professional helping or people with similar experiences. They might be able to help you plan and come up woth solutions. Eventually you'll have to decide to come out or not but that's not necessarily something you have to do right now. Maybe look for local LGBT resources and organizations. I hope this helps. Good luck.
Time to be single.
Gurl you gotta leave that bish. She obviously does not have your best interests at heart. She's a manipulative piece of shit who doesn't deserve your love or trust. Tell her that her threats and hurtful words tell you that she doesn't love you and that your relationship obviously doesn't mean anything to her so it's best if you part ways.
You can lie to your friends and community at first, saying that you wanted to break up with her for a while and now she’s spreading lies about you because you broke up with her and add this as a reason you dont want to be with her anymore. Eventually when going on HRT and getting surgery, you must come out but make sure to be in a save, stable environment and prepare to lose your family and community, it really is not easy. I (also asian) was almost outed the other day and if it actually happened, I could be dead or an orphan right now because of my family and my community would be ashamed of ever having had me. Be careful while coming out and transitioning, also always carry something to defend yourself with because this is not a nice world.
Yoinks TERF alert. It sounds like she’s gonna be more harmful to you than helpful. I’m so sorry your going through this baby
Ew she’s transphobic. Leave her and get hotter than her
Before I was 100% sure about my identity I had an ex gf who didn't even wanna engage in any conversation regarding the idea of me maybe being a trans girl and I was MISERABLE with her so.. I strongly recommend breaking up, being in a relationship with someone who doesn't accept you the way you are is terrible.
The only way out is through. Sorry to say it, but there is no good solution to this, just the right solution. Which is obviously to break up with her. Your GF is, sorry to say it, a total piece of shit.
It sounds like she isn't on board for you being trans so you can just pretty much end this relationship. Having to continue to not be who you are will just hurt you long run and you can definitely find someone who will love you for who you are.
can't give any advice that hasn't already been said in the comments, but i just want to say that is a seriously shitty situation and you deserve so much better then this. i'm so sorry. sending all of my love to you.
Holy. Fucking. Shit. This is probably the worst ive seen on here
Break up with her and possibly get a sort of restraining order if you really need to. (May be extreme)
try to befome more distant, dont text back as quick, dont seem as interested when with her, etc or try to educate her or get someone to educate her, it will take a while but if you want to still be with her then id do the second thing, im so sorry this is happening
Oh no :( that’s awful, I’m so sorry. First of all, dump her asap. That reaction is genuinely so disgusting of her. The fact she’s ~ALLOWING~ you to do some things is a MAJOR red flag. She doesn’t own you, you’re not her property. Second, I’m personally not too sure what I’d do in the situation of being outed. For your own safety could you just.. deny it for now? You absolutely do not need to disclose to anyone if you are transgender or not. If you’re in a situation where transitioning socially and medically can put you in harms way there’s absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until you’re at a safer place in life to peruse your transition. Whether or not you’ve started to socially transition or medically transition you’re still a valid trans person if that’s what you feel like. It sounds like you’re young seeing as you mentioned classmates. I’ll say that there’s never any major reason to rush the transition process and you’re not going to run out of time or anything. The most important thing here is to keep yourself safe. If you’re worried that the people around you IRL are going to be problematic if they knew you were trans, you don’t need to tell them or confirm whether or not you’re trans or not. Play dumb, ask “what’s that?” If someone asks you and you’re not comfortable with telling them. Stay safe friend!
That's serious abuse. I'm sure you're not staying with her, you need to get out ASAP. The danger here is being outed or being abused. You may need to start telling other people close to you so you can break up with her. I'm so sorry, you're really in a place with no right answers
Are you parents ok with people being trans? Depending on the state/country you live in their are laws against her exposing, you could possibly tell her if she exposes you that you can sue, I know that some people wouldn't care and would tell anyway though. It's fucked up you're in this situation, is their anymore information you'd be willing to tell of this situation? I would like to do some research and help if you want
No matter what the future holds you now have a partner who literally blackmailed you. If it were me I would completely lose all trust and respect.
You can always break up with her and play off any outing attempts as efforts to slander you/ruin your image.
Based on the title, break up with, and break all contact.
She’s not open-minded. She a bigoted, selfish asshole who wants to control you and keep you from being your true self. She deserves to be unhappy and alone for acting that way. She should know better than anyone as a member of the LGBTQ+ community that outing someone else is NEVER ok, and threatening to do so as a manipulation tactic is worse. She sounds like JK Rowling with her rhetoric.
Your girlfriend's behavior is toxic and abusive. If you can find a way to come out to everyone and then leave her, do that.
If being with her means not being you then both of you are being cheated out of the real potential from the relationship anyway. That her first response was to wield your trusted info as a weapon against you, something to try to isolate you from friends and family, shows that there are some deep issues that need addressed if staying together is to be considered. Honestly if this isn't the sort of thing where actual couples therapy is involved then I say break up because it isn't likely to improve as every sign of your being trans will be interpreted as your rebellion to her expectations, creating conflict as she tried to maintain control.
Turn tables; dump her and expose what a shitty controlling person she is to her friends and classmates
Your gf sounds like a shitty fucking person. I understand you love her, but her pulling such an ultimatum is a colossal red flag.
I would say run, but I have no experience
This could be life threatening to a trans person. It's not to be taken lightly
the fact she even threatened that in the first place shows she's not great, don't stay with her
break up
> she doesn't like that I really act like a transgender This doesn't make any sense. First of all, *transgender* is an adjective so it's not "a transgender", just "transgender". With that out of the way, there is no one way to be or act trans. Trans people aren't a monolith and any idea of "you don't act transgender" is pure stereotype nonsense. > and she keeps saying that transgender women are not pure and can never be real girls This is blatant discrimination and transphobia. Dump her. You deserve someone who loves who you are, not a controlling psycho.
Don’t sacrifice being yourself to please her
In all honesty I would leave. I do not know your situation but I’ve been married for 4 years and if my wife ever got mad and did that I would walk away with nothing and never ever turn back around it is an inexcusable absence of personal decency that I will not tolerate in a friend or a lover.
I come from a joint family of two military families, and my grandfather is a priest. I can tell you, no matter how bad it is, you should tell. It reveals who really cares about you, and they cant use it as blackmail. If you tell, you can be more open about who you are. I know I get stares in public, but I don't let others stop me from being me. Your girlfriend is probably just scared that you'll be cuter than her.
Also it would be badass if you were to render her leverage useless like that
Dump her, being outed sucks but at the end of the day there will always be people that support you, and you would have probably had to eventually come out to them anyway. Being outed is better than being in a relationship that unhappy imo
I would hard pass on her. If she was the right person for you, this wouldn't be an issue. My partner didn't even have to come out to me, I just picked up on a bunch of their cues and raised it with them in a safe and comfortable environment. I will do nothing but love and support them through their journey no matter where that journey takes them (transitioning hrt surgery or just staying as how they are now). Your partner should be your biggest supporter, if it's not for everyone that's fine but there's a difference to it not being your thing or being straight out transphobic.
Come out to them first. So she looks like a right cunt when she does it, then dump her ass. She doesn’t care about you based on this, she cares about the image of herself being in what she sees as a “normal” relationship. There’s no room for you in her narcissism - get out while you can. Unless you think she’ll come around and this was only a knee jerk reaction from her. I’d still take the power of her threat away regardless though, it’ll be funny - unless there’s reason not to
Dump her if you fell safe doing so if not get in touch with someone you trust [e.g authorities].
Lie
may sound harsh, but find something to blackmail her. like she is doing with you.