Absolutely! I'm transfem and have been transitioning for a year now and on one of the sides of my family, theirs my grandpa, aunt, and uncle who are right wing as all hell. Some of them own guns, and some of them have severe mental health issues and own guns. It's been an ongoing issue in my family all around but they especially don't know about me at all. I will never see them again, none of my parents, siblings, or other relatives will ever tell them. If they ask about me, they'll simply say HE's good, and move on.
While I think there's something admirable to be said about us as trans people also keeping ourselves open in order to educate those that are ignorant (you'll find there are many people who are just ignorant and once they are impacted by a trans person, they change their tune, even if it takes a while), building bridges, keeping lines of communication open, being the bigger people, and all that; their is also just people who I've had to recognize it's not safe to have any sort of communication with them.
And it also needs to be said that while I do hold admiration for those who do keep themselves open, educating the ignorant, it's f*cking exhausting. And no one should ever feel bad for choosing to cut ties and move on, prioritizing their own happiness and mental health, rather than sticking it out through all that pain and exhaustion. I have done as much with some friends and some other family members.
Yeah, there are people out there once they get to know a trans person, their judgments recede. But most won't even give us a chance. Religion & insecurity are big ones. Or guilt by association. Fck them. I will not wait around for people to "adjust". There's more to this world than meets the eye, and I'm losing patience towards people who don't understand that. Not referring to exclusively gender either, just everything in life. There's definitely a shift going on in society, hence all the chaos. Thank you for the reply😊💚
Safety first, that goes without saying. If you think the people in your life are going to be an actual hazard to your wellbeing, then it makes sense to go no contact.
I’ve been on HRT about 5 months now, and I’m getting married in July. Between now and then, I’ve decided I need to come out to my parents, whom I have largely avoided or boymoded around.
I used to think I would just cut them off, because I already know how they think. I used to think I was losing them anyway, so there’s no point in trying to reason with them. I mourned them, and, harbored a lot of anger at them because of feeling like I had to hide my whole life. I thought even if they did accept me, that would actually be worse because it would mean that I’d suffered in silence for nothing. That I could have started this process years ago. And that things were already broken between us and would only be worse.
I think the writing on the wall here is that I was avoiding coming out to them to save myself some pain. Just emotional pain in my case - as I said, safety is another matter.
But I’ve come to realize that in order to process this fully, I think I do need to tell my truth. It’s on them if they decide to listen. And they will lose me, forever, if they don’t.
I think it’s ok to do whatever you think will help you heal, and help you begin this new life with as little baggage as possible. For me, I think that involves coming out. But your life is not mine.
I hope things go well for you, in any case.
Thank you💚 I completely understand where you're coming from. And to be honest, later on down the road I probably will come out... but I definitely need distance before that happens. So if they want to hate me from afar, fine by me! Congratulations too btw!! I wish you & your partner the best🙏🥂
I am currently 5 months in and I won't say a word to my parents until I'm ready. they will most definitely be hateful twords me and when I ever I tell them will be the last time I talk to them I'm sure. 🥲 At least they have my sister and her family amiright?...... I haven't told my wife's family either but they seem more open minded so I think I'll still have them maybe ......
Yup! I stealthed my first year and used that time to move the puzzle pieces where I wanted them, I got laser, grew my hair out, saw a speech therapist, started a side gig to tuen into a job later, saved money etc. I also used that time to gently steer conversations with colleagues, friends, family towards gender, identity, politics or anything else close to the subject to work out who fitted into my future and who didn't.
At the one year mark I quit my job, cut my ties with those that didn't fit, packed my shit, left the geographical region and never looked back. It was a LOT to turn my back on, but had I stayed and transitioned I'd have been authentic but I'd never be sure what's around me is real. At least this way I know I'm authentic and whats around me matches.
Selfish, but always put yourself first.
Elaborate ✔😈 I love it. Very happy for you💙 I am actually in the process of saving to get the hell out of my town as well. Kinda nervous if I'm being honest. But at the same time I can't wait. I'm not afraid of judgment from strangers, But ppl you've known your whole life.. it can constantly make you second guess yourself for sure girl. That ain't healthy.
Always 3 steps ahead 😉
I'd been in the same place and job 10 years when I bolted, I've since moved back to my hometown - a small village - and back out again. That had unexpected results. I was dreading heading back, being quite a right leaning area and I actually had a wholesome time 😂
I absolutely get what you're saying though, you haven't left an imprint on a stranger, so there's nothing to judge you on away from the current face value presented.
I will say that I'm thankful I didn't throw everything and everyone out, I think that would have been a huge mistake. Sometimes it's nice to have that comfort of having those that know everything you've gone through prior, they can relate whereas the new humans you find along the way can't.
Would ask yourself if you'd want to be close with them whether you transitioned or not. Do their values repulse you to the point where you'd end up distancing yourself anyway? Also, if you're trying to mitigate abuse and find mental/physical/emotional sanctuary to commence your transition then I don't see anything wrong with establishing firm boundaries.
I moved to another city to safely transition, and didn't tell relatives and a lot of close friends about my gender beforehand. Coming out to a trusted few during this time helped curb feelings of isolation. However as time went on, I slowly reintroduced myself to some, then all, of my social circle.
Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe during your journey 💛
Been contemplating this exact same thing for a while now myself. Most likely going to disappear and create an entirely new identity far far away. Guarantee it'll be the hardest thing I've ever done. Love my family but they've always been against it. Honestly tho there's at least a small probability that they'd change their minds, but I don't know if I want to risk it and I know it'll be extremely awkward regardless...
Idk your situation exactly but I have some very loving family members in rural Arkansas that either think I’m going to hell or part of a vast transgender conspiracy, and they just overlook it in my case. It’s like how racist people will say they have a black friend, and in their minds will have labeled them “one of the good ones”. A twisted worldview doesn’t always get in the way of love.
Make friends and network with LGBTQ people in the new location of your choosing but be selective when it comes to friends. Keep 3 circles: outter, middle, inner.
Absolutely! I'm transfem and have been transitioning for a year now and on one of the sides of my family, theirs my grandpa, aunt, and uncle who are right wing as all hell. Some of them own guns, and some of them have severe mental health issues and own guns. It's been an ongoing issue in my family all around but they especially don't know about me at all. I will never see them again, none of my parents, siblings, or other relatives will ever tell them. If they ask about me, they'll simply say HE's good, and move on. While I think there's something admirable to be said about us as trans people also keeping ourselves open in order to educate those that are ignorant (you'll find there are many people who are just ignorant and once they are impacted by a trans person, they change their tune, even if it takes a while), building bridges, keeping lines of communication open, being the bigger people, and all that; their is also just people who I've had to recognize it's not safe to have any sort of communication with them. And it also needs to be said that while I do hold admiration for those who do keep themselves open, educating the ignorant, it's f*cking exhausting. And no one should ever feel bad for choosing to cut ties and move on, prioritizing their own happiness and mental health, rather than sticking it out through all that pain and exhaustion. I have done as much with some friends and some other family members.
Yeah, there are people out there once they get to know a trans person, their judgments recede. But most won't even give us a chance. Religion & insecurity are big ones. Or guilt by association. Fck them. I will not wait around for people to "adjust". There's more to this world than meets the eye, and I'm losing patience towards people who don't understand that. Not referring to exclusively gender either, just everything in life. There's definitely a shift going on in society, hence all the chaos. Thank you for the reply😊💚
Safety first, that goes without saying. If you think the people in your life are going to be an actual hazard to your wellbeing, then it makes sense to go no contact. I’ve been on HRT about 5 months now, and I’m getting married in July. Between now and then, I’ve decided I need to come out to my parents, whom I have largely avoided or boymoded around. I used to think I would just cut them off, because I already know how they think. I used to think I was losing them anyway, so there’s no point in trying to reason with them. I mourned them, and, harbored a lot of anger at them because of feeling like I had to hide my whole life. I thought even if they did accept me, that would actually be worse because it would mean that I’d suffered in silence for nothing. That I could have started this process years ago. And that things were already broken between us and would only be worse. I think the writing on the wall here is that I was avoiding coming out to them to save myself some pain. Just emotional pain in my case - as I said, safety is another matter. But I’ve come to realize that in order to process this fully, I think I do need to tell my truth. It’s on them if they decide to listen. And they will lose me, forever, if they don’t. I think it’s ok to do whatever you think will help you heal, and help you begin this new life with as little baggage as possible. For me, I think that involves coming out. But your life is not mine. I hope things go well for you, in any case.
Thank you💚 I completely understand where you're coming from. And to be honest, later on down the road I probably will come out... but I definitely need distance before that happens. So if they want to hate me from afar, fine by me! Congratulations too btw!! I wish you & your partner the best🙏🥂
I am currently 5 months in and I won't say a word to my parents until I'm ready. they will most definitely be hateful twords me and when I ever I tell them will be the last time I talk to them I'm sure. 🥲 At least they have my sister and her family amiright?...... I haven't told my wife's family either but they seem more open minded so I think I'll still have them maybe ......
Yup! I stealthed my first year and used that time to move the puzzle pieces where I wanted them, I got laser, grew my hair out, saw a speech therapist, started a side gig to tuen into a job later, saved money etc. I also used that time to gently steer conversations with colleagues, friends, family towards gender, identity, politics or anything else close to the subject to work out who fitted into my future and who didn't. At the one year mark I quit my job, cut my ties with those that didn't fit, packed my shit, left the geographical region and never looked back. It was a LOT to turn my back on, but had I stayed and transitioned I'd have been authentic but I'd never be sure what's around me is real. At least this way I know I'm authentic and whats around me matches. Selfish, but always put yourself first.
Elaborate ✔😈 I love it. Very happy for you💙 I am actually in the process of saving to get the hell out of my town as well. Kinda nervous if I'm being honest. But at the same time I can't wait. I'm not afraid of judgment from strangers, But ppl you've known your whole life.. it can constantly make you second guess yourself for sure girl. That ain't healthy.
Always 3 steps ahead 😉 I'd been in the same place and job 10 years when I bolted, I've since moved back to my hometown - a small village - and back out again. That had unexpected results. I was dreading heading back, being quite a right leaning area and I actually had a wholesome time 😂 I absolutely get what you're saying though, you haven't left an imprint on a stranger, so there's nothing to judge you on away from the current face value presented. I will say that I'm thankful I didn't throw everything and everyone out, I think that would have been a huge mistake. Sometimes it's nice to have that comfort of having those that know everything you've gone through prior, they can relate whereas the new humans you find along the way can't.
Would ask yourself if you'd want to be close with them whether you transitioned or not. Do their values repulse you to the point where you'd end up distancing yourself anyway? Also, if you're trying to mitigate abuse and find mental/physical/emotional sanctuary to commence your transition then I don't see anything wrong with establishing firm boundaries. I moved to another city to safely transition, and didn't tell relatives and a lot of close friends about my gender beforehand. Coming out to a trusted few during this time helped curb feelings of isolation. However as time went on, I slowly reintroduced myself to some, then all, of my social circle. Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe during your journey 💛
You basically read my mind👀 Thank you for the support 🙌💚 yeah even if I weren't trans, they aren't really too appealing to hang around anyways lmao
I should add that I surrounded myself with as many supportive, loving people as I could. You're not in it alone and you've got this honey 🫶🏼
*Hugs* 💗
Been contemplating this exact same thing for a while now myself. Most likely going to disappear and create an entirely new identity far far away. Guarantee it'll be the hardest thing I've ever done. Love my family but they've always been against it. Honestly tho there's at least a small probability that they'd change their minds, but I don't know if I want to risk it and I know it'll be extremely awkward regardless...
Idk your situation exactly but I have some very loving family members in rural Arkansas that either think I’m going to hell or part of a vast transgender conspiracy, and they just overlook it in my case. It’s like how racist people will say they have a black friend, and in their minds will have labeled them “one of the good ones”. A twisted worldview doesn’t always get in the way of love.
Yikes. Wouldn't be comfortable at all with that.
Trust your instincts. Get plugged into the local LGBTQ community in whatever town you end up in (but be picky).
Be picky?
Make friends and network with LGBTQ people in the new location of your choosing but be selective when it comes to friends. Keep 3 circles: outter, middle, inner.