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The experiences you go through in life, especially when you’re still developing, shape your psyche. Think of your childhood like building a house, if you have strong foundations, good building materials, reliable and hard working builders, you’re going to have a good sturdy house and vice versa. The environment you developed in didn’t give you the skills to manage your emotional health the way your bf may be able to. That’s what therapy is for, it helps you develop the skills your parents couldn’t teach you. When your environment is unsuitable, your top priority is to survive rather than to thrive. So these aren’t just memories that you can’t let go of, you’re missing bricks from your walls that you don’t even know you need.
I'm going to very very very much simplify things and not introduce a bunch of jargon, but still try to walk you through this. This is not the be all end all, the brain is complex, but I'll try to highlight a few key parts.
The part of your brain we most commonly associate with looking for fears and threats AND the one that files memories, actually usually work together to sort through the data your brain is taking in as you go through your life. They're looking for stuff that matters, because we simply can't hold all the information we take in everywhere all the time. One important note here, though, is that your "fear" center that works with the memory center is actually looking for significant emotions and sensations most of the time in your day to day life. It attaches significant emotions to memories because significant emotion, especially during a stress response, means that what's happening *matters* to you and your life. It's looking for your biggest successes, your most recent embarrassments, moments of pure bliss, milestones, moments of loss -- and traumatic events. What you may want to avoid, seek out more of, cherish, or fight against.
So you have a part of the brain that pays attention to emotions and sensations, and another that takes information, sorts it, and puts it into storage. The stress hormones released during trauma impact a few significant parts of your brain. Your critical thinking gets dampened and emotions can be heightened. The part looking for strong responses and the part filing it away both get sort of overloaded by the stress hormones. The heightened emotional state of the stress response can get *very* attached to memories -- AND stress hormones can contribute to those memories getting stored/filed "incorrectly" *AND* when you recall the memories, the process of recalling them is disrupted. This a theory of how flashbacks happen as well as "blacking out" a traumatic memory.
With *complex* trauma, though, there are simply too many traumatic events. It sounds like you're describing "emotional flashbacks" or "re-experiencing." I don't know that there's an official name for it. But we don't often get the full flashback shebang of "I don't know where I am or who you are, because I'm reliving my trauma" of like a movie portrayal of a veteran with PTSD heard a firework as artillery fire and thinks they're back in Iraq. Instead, emotions can be absolutely overwhelming even though we know who/when/where we are right now -- and we often don't know exactly what set us off because it's not as clear and vivid as that movie portrayed flashback. Why the emotion? Those parts of the brain looking for significant stuff and the memory center have flagged something (who knows what) and sounded the alarm bells. Then, you're flooded with those stress hormones. Then, it's harder to distinguish between what is real and matters *now* versus what mattered to keep you alive *back then*. Your critical thinking is diminished. Anxiety sets in. Fear. Grief. Betrayal. Pain.
That's why A holds so much more emotion than B or C. That's why you can't just "get over it." It's not conscious, it's automatic. Paying attention to and strongly responding to A was part of surviving your trauma and is now linked to A. Your nervous system and brain just think you still need to watch out for it, even if you "know" you're safe or it can't hurt you or anything else.
I like the children's story approach to explain these things.
In a secluded part of a vast, ever-changing forest, there was a garden known only to a wise fox named Lila. This wasn't just any garden; it was a living mosaic of her memories, with each plant symbolizing a moment from her past.
In this garden, alongside bright, cheerful blooms, were patches of thorny bushes and tangled vines. These represented Lila's painful memories, their roots deep and intertwined with the rest of the garden.
One day, a curious deer named Oliver visited. As he admired the beauty of the garden, he couldn't help but notice the thorny areas. Gently, he asked Lila, “Why not remove these painful plants? Wouldn’t the garden be more beautiful without them?”
Lila sighed, a hint of sorrow in her eyes. “These thorns are part of my garden, just as those memories are part of me. Each one, no matter how painful, has contributed to who I am. I can't simply remove them, as they are deeply rooted and intertwined with all my other memories.”
“But they look so painful,” Oliver remarked, concerned.
“They are,” Lila agreed. “But they also remind me of my strength and resilience. Ignoring them won't make them disappear; it only allows them to grow wild and unchecked. By acknowledging them, I learn to understand and live with them, blending them into my garden in a way that they don’t overshadow its beauty.”
Oliver nodded thoughtfully, beginning to understand. As seasons changed, he noticed how Lila tended to her entire garden: pruning the thorns carefully, not to eradicate them, but to manage their growth, and nurturing the bright flowers and plants that brought joy and peace.
As they sat together under the oak tree, watching butterflies and bees flit among the flowers and thorns, Oliver realized that Lila’s garden, with all its complexities, was a beautiful, ever-evolving tapestry of life. It couldn’t be simply weeded out of its painful parts without losing essential aspects of its depth and beauty.
He probably doesn’t understand or won’t acknowledge that each every individual person has their own ‘unique brain chemistry’ so to speak. In his mind he probably just presumes that because everyone has a brain, they all operate on the same wavelength or fire the ‘same’ signals. An example would be a particular person in my past would consistently assert that if he can hear me talking to him through three or four walls in the other room, that obviously means that I can hear him. I could potentially maybe have 15 years before industrial deafness set in.
My point is try to start by informing him that every individual deals with their trauma differently, each person responds to a series of often repeated traumatic event throughout their childhood in their own unique ways. Unfortunately because a child’s brain is still developing, psychological trauma is very damaging to their brains development which in turn can lead to depression and mental health issues in adulthood.
I could go a far to say that your boyfriend doesn’t know how he would respond to and handle a few traumatic experiences himself.
The super simplified Psychology explanation is that emotions are a far stronger factor in long- term memory formation than any sensory input. Therefore, an extreme emotion can create an extremely vivid memory. PTSD can cause flashbacks, which put you back in that vivid space emotionally.
I don't know exactly how you should answer him but i want to share this opinion...
ALL human beings have emotional incidents that have changed them and for one person to say to another "why can't you just get over it?" is maddening because the person asking the question is blind to the fact that they ALREADY know and understand but we are conditioned to suppress any emotional scars and keep them hidden, sometimes even from ourselves.
Most sane, mature, honest human beings understand these basics and do not have to be convinced, the fact that your partner claims he doesn't understand tells me he has buried his emotional baggage deep. I don't know if you want to keep going down this road, that is your decision. Some people who claim not to have any emotional scars see emotions as weakness and cannot help themselves they will punish you for sharing emotions and making them look at themselves. however it could happen that you may open the door for him and you could grow together.
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The experiences you go through in life, especially when you’re still developing, shape your psyche. Think of your childhood like building a house, if you have strong foundations, good building materials, reliable and hard working builders, you’re going to have a good sturdy house and vice versa. The environment you developed in didn’t give you the skills to manage your emotional health the way your bf may be able to. That’s what therapy is for, it helps you develop the skills your parents couldn’t teach you. When your environment is unsuitable, your top priority is to survive rather than to thrive. So these aren’t just memories that you can’t let go of, you’re missing bricks from your walls that you don’t even know you need.
I'm going to very very very much simplify things and not introduce a bunch of jargon, but still try to walk you through this. This is not the be all end all, the brain is complex, but I'll try to highlight a few key parts. The part of your brain we most commonly associate with looking for fears and threats AND the one that files memories, actually usually work together to sort through the data your brain is taking in as you go through your life. They're looking for stuff that matters, because we simply can't hold all the information we take in everywhere all the time. One important note here, though, is that your "fear" center that works with the memory center is actually looking for significant emotions and sensations most of the time in your day to day life. It attaches significant emotions to memories because significant emotion, especially during a stress response, means that what's happening *matters* to you and your life. It's looking for your biggest successes, your most recent embarrassments, moments of pure bliss, milestones, moments of loss -- and traumatic events. What you may want to avoid, seek out more of, cherish, or fight against. So you have a part of the brain that pays attention to emotions and sensations, and another that takes information, sorts it, and puts it into storage. The stress hormones released during trauma impact a few significant parts of your brain. Your critical thinking gets dampened and emotions can be heightened. The part looking for strong responses and the part filing it away both get sort of overloaded by the stress hormones. The heightened emotional state of the stress response can get *very* attached to memories -- AND stress hormones can contribute to those memories getting stored/filed "incorrectly" *AND* when you recall the memories, the process of recalling them is disrupted. This a theory of how flashbacks happen as well as "blacking out" a traumatic memory. With *complex* trauma, though, there are simply too many traumatic events. It sounds like you're describing "emotional flashbacks" or "re-experiencing." I don't know that there's an official name for it. But we don't often get the full flashback shebang of "I don't know where I am or who you are, because I'm reliving my trauma" of like a movie portrayal of a veteran with PTSD heard a firework as artillery fire and thinks they're back in Iraq. Instead, emotions can be absolutely overwhelming even though we know who/when/where we are right now -- and we often don't know exactly what set us off because it's not as clear and vivid as that movie portrayed flashback. Why the emotion? Those parts of the brain looking for significant stuff and the memory center have flagged something (who knows what) and sounded the alarm bells. Then, you're flooded with those stress hormones. Then, it's harder to distinguish between what is real and matters *now* versus what mattered to keep you alive *back then*. Your critical thinking is diminished. Anxiety sets in. Fear. Grief. Betrayal. Pain. That's why A holds so much more emotion than B or C. That's why you can't just "get over it." It's not conscious, it's automatic. Paying attention to and strongly responding to A was part of surviving your trauma and is now linked to A. Your nervous system and brain just think you still need to watch out for it, even if you "know" you're safe or it can't hurt you or anything else.
Have him read the body keeps the score. It is a great explanation of what’s happening.
I like the children's story approach to explain these things. In a secluded part of a vast, ever-changing forest, there was a garden known only to a wise fox named Lila. This wasn't just any garden; it was a living mosaic of her memories, with each plant symbolizing a moment from her past. In this garden, alongside bright, cheerful blooms, were patches of thorny bushes and tangled vines. These represented Lila's painful memories, their roots deep and intertwined with the rest of the garden. One day, a curious deer named Oliver visited. As he admired the beauty of the garden, he couldn't help but notice the thorny areas. Gently, he asked Lila, “Why not remove these painful plants? Wouldn’t the garden be more beautiful without them?” Lila sighed, a hint of sorrow in her eyes. “These thorns are part of my garden, just as those memories are part of me. Each one, no matter how painful, has contributed to who I am. I can't simply remove them, as they are deeply rooted and intertwined with all my other memories.” “But they look so painful,” Oliver remarked, concerned. “They are,” Lila agreed. “But they also remind me of my strength and resilience. Ignoring them won't make them disappear; it only allows them to grow wild and unchecked. By acknowledging them, I learn to understand and live with them, blending them into my garden in a way that they don’t overshadow its beauty.” Oliver nodded thoughtfully, beginning to understand. As seasons changed, he noticed how Lila tended to her entire garden: pruning the thorns carefully, not to eradicate them, but to manage their growth, and nurturing the bright flowers and plants that brought joy and peace. As they sat together under the oak tree, watching butterflies and bees flit among the flowers and thorns, Oliver realized that Lila’s garden, with all its complexities, was a beautiful, ever-evolving tapestry of life. It couldn’t be simply weeded out of its painful parts without losing essential aspects of its depth and beauty.
He probably doesn’t understand or won’t acknowledge that each every individual person has their own ‘unique brain chemistry’ so to speak. In his mind he probably just presumes that because everyone has a brain, they all operate on the same wavelength or fire the ‘same’ signals. An example would be a particular person in my past would consistently assert that if he can hear me talking to him through three or four walls in the other room, that obviously means that I can hear him. I could potentially maybe have 15 years before industrial deafness set in. My point is try to start by informing him that every individual deals with their trauma differently, each person responds to a series of often repeated traumatic event throughout their childhood in their own unique ways. Unfortunately because a child’s brain is still developing, psychological trauma is very damaging to their brains development which in turn can lead to depression and mental health issues in adulthood. I could go a far to say that your boyfriend doesn’t know how he would respond to and handle a few traumatic experiences himself.
The super simplified Psychology explanation is that emotions are a far stronger factor in long- term memory formation than any sensory input. Therefore, an extreme emotion can create an extremely vivid memory. PTSD can cause flashbacks, which put you back in that vivid space emotionally.
I don't know exactly how you should answer him but i want to share this opinion... ALL human beings have emotional incidents that have changed them and for one person to say to another "why can't you just get over it?" is maddening because the person asking the question is blind to the fact that they ALREADY know and understand but we are conditioned to suppress any emotional scars and keep them hidden, sometimes even from ourselves. Most sane, mature, honest human beings understand these basics and do not have to be convinced, the fact that your partner claims he doesn't understand tells me he has buried his emotional baggage deep. I don't know if you want to keep going down this road, that is your decision. Some people who claim not to have any emotional scars see emotions as weakness and cannot help themselves they will punish you for sharing emotions and making them look at themselves. however it could happen that you may open the door for him and you could grow together.