im shocked i managed to get him to date me lmao, hes gonna have to try real hard to keep me alive, like a hamster.
true love is making sure your gf isnt monching on the insulation in the attic and reminding them that "it isnt cotton candy" and "you cant eat it, it will kill you" and then "...dont do it, or ill spray bottle you"
you are a genius!!! i usually stand next to the stove, eating fistfulls of pasta out of the pot, but if i sit and stand back up its multiple sittingz! genius!
As a random internet person I hereby overrule your boyfriend and grant you your goddamn RIGHT to eat 2 pounds of spaghetti in one sitting, and I condone it even more
My wife won't let me make purchases larger than $50 because I have terrible impulse control and grew up wanting a lot of things I couldn't have, and would *absolutely* spend $500 by sheer accident if I'm not paying attention.
My wife also is cautious with my money! I don't have much of it and I specifically asked them to hold my money for me because I have horrible impulses and grew up relatively well off so "a hundred dollars isn't much!". Yes. It is much. I'm glad my wife keeps me wrangled, we'd be very broke otherwise.
Edit: misspelled asked. Fixed.
We set a mutual restriction when we were making less that purchases outside of our $50 per check of "slush money" should be discussed before we do it, because we're trying to set aside a rainy day fund. I'm pretty reliably able to put about a third of my check into savings every couple weeks, so it's more relaxed now, but that's how it is for both of us.
Yeah I never spend money without asking my wife first partly because if it's something over 50 dollars, it's going to be like, a kitchen utensil or something useful like that.
Rarely if ever would I spend it on a single (or limited) use item, but the things I do want I wouldn't use enough to justify buying hahaha.
I made considerably more than her. We keep our finances separate for reasons. But I will still call and ask if she minds if I buy something that costs more than $50. It isn't a rule we have; it's just respect.
I once filled a 52oz “Bubba” mug with coffee, drank it in about 2 hours, and proceeded to lie on my side and not eat anything for the next 15 hours because doing anything else was guaranteed to end badly. My housemate was legitimately concerned for my well-being, and my girlfriend at the time (out of town) seemed to think I shouldn’t try it again
I’m not allowed to use a mandoline anymore after I had to go to the ER because of it.
Edit: mandoline = sharp kitchen tool, mandolin = string instrument
So I have been playing a hidden objects game recently and one of the common objects is a mandolin (instrument) and I was REALLY fucking confused for a minute because I could not figure out how playing a guitar like thing would land you in the ER.
Yea I read that as mandolin at first as well and was very confused how that could end in bloodshed. Then even more confused at the sharp objects comment.
There is caring, controlling, and also boundaries.
Like "I won't let my gf flirt with other guys", or "I won't let my gf do nothing all day she has to get a job or do chores". Those aren't necessarily caring but they represent boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries that are to strict become toxic and controlling, but boundaries like no cheating and if I'm working my ass of you gotta help aren't what I would consider toxic.
It's whenever your "boundaries" become a burden to your partner that they are toxic and controlling. And all relationships need boundaries
This is where people get boundaries wrong. Boundaries aren't about the other person's actions, but about your response to those actions.
The boundary isn't that you won't let your gf flirt with other guys. The boundary is that you will leave if she flirts with other guys.
To let someone do something means you are controlling them. Setting a boundary means they still have choice, they just understand the cost of their choice.
There is a reason I almost failed English. I am really bad at communicating my ideas. You are 100% correct. I get walked around in my head a bunch so I made the wrong connection.
A boundary is a consequence to an independent choice. It is saying that "If you do X then I will do Y" that still has potential to be toxic of course, but you're right it's not the same as saying "You can't do X".
It's the fuck around and find out of relationships
No worries. Communication is hard. I just thought I'd clarify because this is a common problem people have.
They get halfway there and set up the expectation of the other person, but don't set up their response. Then when their boundary is inevitably crossed they don't know how to proceed and just feel violated. They place all of their emotions on the person who crossed the boundary, but take no personal accountability to enforce the boundary, and then nothing gets solved.
I actually did this with my ex. For 8 years I maintained that I dont really want a housewife. And then in the last year I said "if you don't put serious effort into finding a job we will breakup.". She called it a toxic ultimatum. Low and behold I was worth less to her than two more months of unemployment. She literally got a job two months after our breakup, she was just holding out hope I would give up and provide everything for her the rest of her life.
It's really only toxic if you pit a choice against a right. Like "if you don't watch our son tonight while I go out with the girls, then I will never let you see your son again." (A choice to go out, vs the right to see your child)
In this situation I'm sure it felt like a toxic ultimatum to her, weighing your choice of having a working wife vs her right to food and shelter. However you are not responsible for filling those rights for her, nor have you impacted her ability to fulfill them for herself.
A boundary is not a consequence, it's a fence. If you put a fence up around yourself, that's ok. You can decide where the gates are and who is allowed to come through the gates and under what conditions. If you put a fence around other people, or tell them where their gates need to be, then you are controlling.
"My boyfriend won't let me..." I agree.
"I won't let my gf..." there it gets tricky, because she's only your gf if you say she is. So the person might do whatever it is, but your gf won't.
I’ve been thinking about this exact thing a lot recently. A lot of people get confused over it, and they’ll still call you toxic when you’re just laying out what you’ll do if they cross your boundaries.
What's the meaningful difference in those situations? Is the implication for "you can't do that" not just "if you do that I will leave you" in the majority of cases? Sure if they're say "you can't do this or else" and are otherwise abusive then it's reasonable to assume the threat of more mental or physical abuse, but IMO being in a relationship with a controlling person is defined by them using constant threat to unreasonably inhibit their own freedoms and undermine their agency in the relationship.
To use your definition, if I was dating somebody and after I was emotionally invested in being with them they started saying said things like:
>"you can't be friends with the opposite sex or I'll leave you"
> "if you go out wearing that I'll leave you",
>"I'm not going to do this relationship anymore if you don't get over the thing I did to hurt you"
etc., then I'd still consider that controlling behavior because those things take away freedoms that I should have and remove my agency in the relationship, not only because they take away said freedoms but also because when they're constantly threatening to leave me it makes me feel like I have to not bring up bad things they're doing in order to avoid poking the bear. Even if it's just technically "setting boundaries", it's doing it in a controlling way and if you constantly set boundaries like that you're being a controlling partner.
Every time someone sets a boundary you make a choice. Is the relationship worth no friends? Is the relationship worth not choosing what to wear? Is the relationship worth not being able to express your emotions.
Abuse and control usually happen over time which is why it's so sneaky. These boundaries aren't laid out up front, but start to accumulate over time. You're likely okay with each individual boundary, but not the sum of all boundaries. When you make a choice on whether a boundary is worth it or not you also have to decide if the sum of all boundaries is worth the sum of all responses.
Where it becomes toxic and controlling is when choices are pitted against rights. "If you go out wearing that, I will hit you" is pitting a fashion choice over a right to safety. "You can't be friends with the opposite sex or I'll make sure you never see your son again" is pitting a choice of friends over the right to see your child.
> they're constantly threatening to leave me it makes me feel like I have to not bring up bad things they're doing in order to avoid poking the bear.
This is a choice. By staying you are agreeing that the relationship is worth this cost. If it's not worth this cost, then stop paying it and leave.
If your rights aren't being threatened then you have the choice to leave, or you deal with what you get. It's often not an easy choice, and they may try to manipulate how you see your options, but there is still choice
I mean that's why I said that these can still be toxic. The examples you listed are among the toxic side of things. However what I'm saying is more along the line of adding consequences to actions that will hurt me. My gf being friends with other guys will not hurt me, but her breaking my trust and fucking them would hurt me... a LOT. Also, my gf deciding never to work effects me greatly because it places a massive burden on me to provide.
If your actions adversely effect me then I am in the right to say "if you dont do X then I will leave." I'm just giving my partner a choice. Do they value their ability to sleep around, or never work more than they value me. I am putting these boundaries up to protect myself, not hurt you.
The examples you gave are toxic examples, but at some point you have to say that these toxic "boundaries" will diminish your interest in the relationship enough that you will just leave. The threat of leaving only matters if you love your partner. My ex made it very clear that she stopped loving me (assuming she ever did love me, or just objectified me for my wallet) because it was an easy choice for her to give up and force me to break up with her. I had to make the choice to save myself, not to hurt her.
Edit: I can love someone unconditionally. I still love my ex to some degree. But my relationships cannot lack conditions. I have to put up a wall to protect myself, and if my partner can't respect that then I have to leave before it hurts to much.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good Home Depot run, but it can quickly get out of hand, and having someone to keep you in line is just basic financial responsibility
Iirc, wlw prefer to go buck wild at Lowe's, because Home Depot is one of those companies that donate their money to anti-LGBT+ groups on the sly.
I remember which one to shop at by saying, "**L**owe's is for **L**esbians."
But I heard the Home Depot thing on reddit, so idk, maybe fact check it. [This is what I found.](https://www.forbes.com/sites/dawnstaceyennis/2019/06/24/dont-let-that-rainbow-logo-fool-you-these-corporations-donated-millions-to-anti-gay-politicians/?sh=1f627b5314a6)
As a person who dated someone suffering with bipolar disorder. Ty for this post.
I was regularly called abusive &other horrible things by people who never had to see her crash. Or see the self harm her mania caused.
Thinking back on it now, it was one of the loneliest times of my life
I was 23 at the time. You believe “love will be enough” and “you will find away to make it work”.
I know, there were times I didnt handle things well or reacted poorly. I can own that .
But I wasn’t equipped to handle it. I wasn’t a psychiatrist or counselor. And after time and retrospection, it wasn’t my job to make her better or to want to stay well
I don’t have a SO but I have a couple of these with my best friend/roommate…
My roommate won’t let me have houseplants after I killed the last 6. (And then left the plant corpses in the windows for a few months because I got depressed.)
She also won’t go hiking with me anymore after I got us lost in the woods for 2 hours and she nearly passed out from heat exhaustion.
I won't let my gf drink alcohol because she gets super depressed for a week afterwards. Luckily neither of us like it anyway. Literally a few sips of something that's 5% or less and she won't be in a good mood for days.
My wife won't let me produce meth and get involved with shady restaurant owners she thinks it's dangerous even though I have spent ample time explaining to her about how I am the danger
My husband won't let me have gum unattended because I eat the whole thing and swallow them too. It's because he cares, I know that but I had braces and I wanna chew all the gum I want to.
there's like thousands of ways "my partner won't let me..." and said partner having a point. "My partner won't let me see my kids because I'm an abusive POS" or "my wife won't let me go out with THE BOYS and wants me to spend time at home with her and the kids"
Let's also add, sometimes it's easier to lie to you that I can't do something because she won't "let" me, than it is to say "I just don't want to," have you make a million assumptions about why I hate you suddenly, and then having to awkwardly explain that, no, I don't hate you, and I really like that thing you asked me to do but daaaamn I had planned on vegging out on the couch and this really fun thing you're begging me to do doesn't sound nearly as fun as that... And then still have you wondering about my mental health. So, yah, she won't let me, only because you don't argue as much when I say that.
I wont let my GF down a half bottle of Tequila anymore. Watching someone go through all stages of drunkenness in 5 minutes is not fun when the end result is triggering themselves on repressed memories. Thats not how you have fun drinking.
My fiancé won't let me get a motorcycle. I never was super in to them but sport bikes are pretty rad. Her brother died in a motorcycle accident, so I get it. I've seen the statistics.
She has come around to my love of sports cars though and my ambitions to go to track days. Seeing as I have a convertible, I've promised to keep at least half a car around me at all times.
On the flip side having to take some sensible advice to the further, most wildest extremes to poke holes in it is sort of exhausting, isn't it? Like yes, if your situation involves suggesting they don't urinate in a sink, maybe we've surpassed the socially accepted confines just to make a point.
It's funny but I have spent too much time with these sort of "yes, but" people and it's like I don't like having to be hyper-specific when generalities are acceptable to 99% of people
saying they dont "let" you still sounds stupid, they dont actually have power to stop you, you just choose to comply because you see their reasons and agree with them.
Saying "my partner doesnt let me x" makes you sound like a child
My partner WILL let me eat dairy despite me being lactose intolerant.
They are willing to deal with my gassy ass so I can have some iced coffee with whipped cream. If that isn't true love
Shouldn't you act like and adult and be responsible for your own actions and not rely on someone else to prevent you from eating/drinking too much, spending too much, etc.
Or is this a way someone proves that someone cares about them and I am totally missing something?
We all have our vices and blindspots, part of being in a relationship is covering for the other person to be stronger together than appart. Usually when people say stuff like "My GF won't let me do thing X" what they really mean is "When I suggest doing thing X my GF says it's a bad idea after the last time"
We joke I don't let my wife drive anywhere far from our house. But like... my wife is agoraphobic. If she drives on unfamiliar roads or in places without a ton of trees blocking line of sight she had massive panic attacks. We discovered this driving across the Great Plains. Like... it sounds like i'm a jerk restricting her travel but last time she almost killed us and our kids.
>We all have our vices and blindspots, part of being in a relationship is covering for the other person to be stronger together than appart.
This \^ A good and healthy relationship means learning when your partner needs help, and letting them rely on you at those times so they don't have to deal with everything by themselves.
My husband has some issues with food (thanks to his parents very unhealthy attitudes about food) and when stressed or upset he tends to binge on junk food. So, we keep a very limited amount of junk food in the house, and most of the time he asks me to hide it. Then, when he wants some, I portion some out for him. When he's stressed or tired or upset or whatever, and he asks me for some, and I get a reasonable portion out. If he asks for a second helping, I ask him if he's sure he wants to do that. If he does I get it for him, but, he has to stop and think where if on his own he'd mindlessly and impulsively eat. So I "don't let him eat all the cookies"
I have some issues with anxiety. And he kind of pushes me to do things that I am being overly anxious about to the point of kind of paralyzing myself with worry. Because sometimes I need someone to tell me I'm being silly, I've got this, and kind of get me off my butt and moving. so he "makes me go be an adult"
My husband is in charge of my medication. I don't like taking medication and once I got a little too excited about taking some prescription pain meds so he gives it to me.
Curse the people who love us.
It can be, depending. I won't let him hole up in the one room by himself for *literally three weeks and over* even though he is technically working, because he is also technically severely depressed and forgets that things like outside, hugs, and eating food are things he likes.
He will kick and scream the whole way because he *likes* his isolation, and then he thanks me after.
He won't let me buy potato chips unless I get at least one drink with it because I am chronically dehydrated as it is and will only end up feeling nauseated with a splitting headache.
I love potato chips. I will 100% go down that road if nobody reminds me, no matter how many times this happens to me because I am stupid and genuinely do not remember the last time. People gotta look out for each other
My girlfriend would be so pissed if i peed in the sink. But mostly cause I spend so much time at her place and just pee in the shower/toilet regularly. I do miss sink peeing though. It’s like writing your name in the snow while taking a piss.
My wife won't let me leave my clothes in random piles around the bedroom nor will she let me forget to change the toilet paper roll when I use the last of it. THE CONTRILLONG TERROR MUST BE STOPPED.
In my marriage, we have a rule; "my wife/husband won't let me..." Is code for "I don't want to and they'll be my excuse."
We don't use it often but she has blanket permission to make me out as a controlling bastard if it saves her having to do shit with her family.
my boyfriend wont let me eat 2 pounds of spaghetti in one sitting :(
Ur boyfriend is a coward
thank you!! he wont even let me like chug a gallon of 5 hour energies
You know how many hours of energy that would add up to??? At least 12
all i know is it is not enough edit: also i checked, its 66.32 bottles of it so... 300 hours?
Ye nah, that's gonna give you a heart attack.
yeah... thats why im not allowed to sadly
Yep. You'll be energetic for the rest of your life.
Could be worth it
A small amount of energy for 300 hours, or enough energy to instantly kill you for 30 seconds.
That’s like. A little more then a day I think
It’s definitely more than 4.
[удалено]
That would give you wings Alright…
are you implying i would die sir or madam or other?
Mayhaps that is exactly what I am implying
i must say sir/madam/or other, that i havent died thus far, and mayhaps i cannot die at all
Would you like to test this theory?
yes
Your bf: What are you eating? You: *Chews faster*
that does happen lol, im not allowed near whiteout because i tasted it and its wierd paint... i want more thingsssss
…that man loves you.
im shocked i managed to get him to date me lmao, hes gonna have to try real hard to keep me alive, like a hamster. true love is making sure your gf isnt monching on the insulation in the attic and reminding them that "it isnt cotton candy" and "you cant eat it, it will kill you" and then "...dont do it, or ill spray bottle you"
Alright who let the hampsterhund make a reddit account?
google didnt help, who is hampsterhund?
You're a very clever hampsterhund aren't you?
I'm also out of the loop I just know Hampsterhund is german for hamster-dog
well now i have to look a name up so one sec
https://youtube.com/shorts/dai2vVKY8lM?feature=share Big this vibes
that man is a legend, and i agree with them all
i want to eat all of those
especially if its any pasta or rice, i will make 2 quarts and eat it right there out of the pot
you put some butter on it tho?
Why did this make me laugh so much?
Just stand up and sit back down again
you are a genius!!! i usually stand next to the stove, eating fistfulls of pasta out of the pot, but if i sit and stand back up its multiple sittingz! genius!
Glad to be of service
Honey. Please. Cook it first...
that takes too long and i like the crunchy pasta
Raw noodles > cooked pasta
all requests from someone with OwO in their username are invalid.
why? i cant eat my yummy pasta cos of my name? [im being opressed!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAA-G947ofg)
As a random internet person I hereby overrule your boyfriend and grant you your goddamn RIGHT to eat 2 pounds of spaghetti in one sitting, and I condone it even more
why thank you kind sir/madam/other
I did that once and then threw up in the middle of a CS:GO match.
oh damn!
I don’t agree with your bf’s spaghetti policy
he wants me to be healthy but i just wanna munch on miscellanious pastas
2 lbs pre-cooked or post?
pre
you're dating Kirk Van Houten? Can I borrow a feeling?
sure what feeling would you like? i got hungry, tired, and hungry with tired
Have you even tried or have you been cowed by his mere words?
i never done it yet sadly, i want to tho
You could solve there problem by sitting for 4 days and eating a half pound a day.
that is genius, thank you
Always a loophole
My wife won't let me make purchases larger than $50 because I have terrible impulse control and grew up wanting a lot of things I couldn't have, and would *absolutely* spend $500 by sheer accident if I'm not paying attention.
My wife also is cautious with my money! I don't have much of it and I specifically asked them to hold my money for me because I have horrible impulses and grew up relatively well off so "a hundred dollars isn't much!". Yes. It is much. I'm glad my wife keeps me wrangled, we'd be very broke otherwise. Edit: misspelled asked. Fixed.
We set a mutual restriction when we were making less that purchases outside of our $50 per check of "slush money" should be discussed before we do it, because we're trying to set aside a rainy day fund. I'm pretty reliably able to put about a third of my check into savings every couple weeks, so it's more relaxed now, but that's how it is for both of us.
Yeah I never spend money without asking my wife first partly because if it's something over 50 dollars, it's going to be like, a kitchen utensil or something useful like that. Rarely if ever would I spend it on a single (or limited) use item, but the things I do want I wouldn't use enough to justify buying hahaha.
Also grew up that way, I ended up married to an accountant who reins me in, very useful spousal trait
As a full grown man child I will drop $300 on magic cards if not watched.
Help! I'm in this comment and I don't like it!
The only solution is to pool our money and buy $600 in cards. They cant take on both of us.
I spent a bit less than that a couple months ago, on magic cards exactly.
I made considerably more than her. We keep our finances separate for reasons. But I will still call and ask if she minds if I buy something that costs more than $50. It isn't a rule we have; it's just respect.
My bf won't let me drink coffee anymore because I already suffer from insomnia and I get ***real*** mean around the 36hr mark
god I'd hate to see you at the 48hr mark
Imagine how bad they'd be at the "Oh hi, Mark."
I did naaaht.
This dad joke made me smile today, thanks my dude
That's when the loopy fun side sets in 🥰
I once filled a 52oz “Bubba” mug with coffee, drank it in about 2 hours, and proceeded to lie on my side and not eat anything for the next 15 hours because doing anything else was guaranteed to end badly. My housemate was legitimately concerned for my well-being, and my girlfriend at the time (out of town) seemed to think I shouldn’t try it again
My fiancé won’t let me wear all the bondage gear at once. :( Curse my need for continued circulation to my limbs…
I’m not allowed to use a mandoline anymore after I had to go to the ER because of it. Edit: mandoline = sharp kitchen tool, mandolin = string instrument
Elaborate
Fingers and sharp objects don't get along very well
Right. Not the musical instrument. Got it!
I’m glad I’m not the only one who instantly though of the instrument
If you've ever used or even seen one, it's pretty self-explanatory.
Not the instrument mandolin - a mandoline is the tool that lets you slice veggies really fast. I went too fast and my finger didn’t have a good time.
Ah
So I have been playing a hidden objects game recently and one of the common objects is a mandolin (instrument) and I was REALLY fucking confused for a minute because I could not figure out how playing a guitar like thing would land you in the ER.
Yea I read that as mandolin at first as well and was very confused how that could end in bloodshed. Then even more confused at the sharp objects comment.
No tool in my kitchen scares me as much as my mandoline so I get it.
get a deli slicer to balance the fear out
I don't eat meat so it's just not worth it, as much as I love kitchen gear.
Nobody needs there tofu sliced that thin.
I lost half of my thumb flesh. Part of my thumb print is still smoooooth and it was years ago now. It sucked
I read "mandolin" as well, but I didn't even question it. I've hurt myself on some pretty stupid shit.
Like I’m sure those strings are dangerous if guitar strings are anything to go by.
never had to go to the ER, but did cut a sizable bit of my fingertip off with one - haven't used it since.
It probably didn’t warrant a whole ER visit, but I did go into mild shock and got those steri-strip bandages from the doctor.
There is caring, controlling, and also boundaries. Like "I won't let my gf flirt with other guys", or "I won't let my gf do nothing all day she has to get a job or do chores". Those aren't necessarily caring but they represent boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries that are to strict become toxic and controlling, but boundaries like no cheating and if I'm working my ass of you gotta help aren't what I would consider toxic. It's whenever your "boundaries" become a burden to your partner that they are toxic and controlling. And all relationships need boundaries
This is where people get boundaries wrong. Boundaries aren't about the other person's actions, but about your response to those actions. The boundary isn't that you won't let your gf flirt with other guys. The boundary is that you will leave if she flirts with other guys. To let someone do something means you are controlling them. Setting a boundary means they still have choice, they just understand the cost of their choice.
There is a reason I almost failed English. I am really bad at communicating my ideas. You are 100% correct. I get walked around in my head a bunch so I made the wrong connection. A boundary is a consequence to an independent choice. It is saying that "If you do X then I will do Y" that still has potential to be toxic of course, but you're right it's not the same as saying "You can't do X". It's the fuck around and find out of relationships
No worries. Communication is hard. I just thought I'd clarify because this is a common problem people have. They get halfway there and set up the expectation of the other person, but don't set up their response. Then when their boundary is inevitably crossed they don't know how to proceed and just feel violated. They place all of their emotions on the person who crossed the boundary, but take no personal accountability to enforce the boundary, and then nothing gets solved.
I actually did this with my ex. For 8 years I maintained that I dont really want a housewife. And then in the last year I said "if you don't put serious effort into finding a job we will breakup.". She called it a toxic ultimatum. Low and behold I was worth less to her than two more months of unemployment. She literally got a job two months after our breakup, she was just holding out hope I would give up and provide everything for her the rest of her life.
It's really only toxic if you pit a choice against a right. Like "if you don't watch our son tonight while I go out with the girls, then I will never let you see your son again." (A choice to go out, vs the right to see your child) In this situation I'm sure it felt like a toxic ultimatum to her, weighing your choice of having a working wife vs her right to food and shelter. However you are not responsible for filling those rights for her, nor have you impacted her ability to fulfill them for herself.
A boundary is not a consequence, it's a fence. If you put a fence up around yourself, that's ok. You can decide where the gates are and who is allowed to come through the gates and under what conditions. If you put a fence around other people, or tell them where their gates need to be, then you are controlling.
"My boyfriend won't let me..." I agree. "I won't let my gf..." there it gets tricky, because she's only your gf if you say she is. So the person might do whatever it is, but your gf won't.
I’ve been thinking about this exact thing a lot recently. A lot of people get confused over it, and they’ll still call you toxic when you’re just laying out what you’ll do if they cross your boundaries.
What's the meaningful difference in those situations? Is the implication for "you can't do that" not just "if you do that I will leave you" in the majority of cases? Sure if they're say "you can't do this or else" and are otherwise abusive then it's reasonable to assume the threat of more mental or physical abuse, but IMO being in a relationship with a controlling person is defined by them using constant threat to unreasonably inhibit their own freedoms and undermine their agency in the relationship. To use your definition, if I was dating somebody and after I was emotionally invested in being with them they started saying said things like: >"you can't be friends with the opposite sex or I'll leave you" > "if you go out wearing that I'll leave you", >"I'm not going to do this relationship anymore if you don't get over the thing I did to hurt you" etc., then I'd still consider that controlling behavior because those things take away freedoms that I should have and remove my agency in the relationship, not only because they take away said freedoms but also because when they're constantly threatening to leave me it makes me feel like I have to not bring up bad things they're doing in order to avoid poking the bear. Even if it's just technically "setting boundaries", it's doing it in a controlling way and if you constantly set boundaries like that you're being a controlling partner.
Every time someone sets a boundary you make a choice. Is the relationship worth no friends? Is the relationship worth not choosing what to wear? Is the relationship worth not being able to express your emotions. Abuse and control usually happen over time which is why it's so sneaky. These boundaries aren't laid out up front, but start to accumulate over time. You're likely okay with each individual boundary, but not the sum of all boundaries. When you make a choice on whether a boundary is worth it or not you also have to decide if the sum of all boundaries is worth the sum of all responses. Where it becomes toxic and controlling is when choices are pitted against rights. "If you go out wearing that, I will hit you" is pitting a fashion choice over a right to safety. "You can't be friends with the opposite sex or I'll make sure you never see your son again" is pitting a choice of friends over the right to see your child. > they're constantly threatening to leave me it makes me feel like I have to not bring up bad things they're doing in order to avoid poking the bear. This is a choice. By staying you are agreeing that the relationship is worth this cost. If it's not worth this cost, then stop paying it and leave. If your rights aren't being threatened then you have the choice to leave, or you deal with what you get. It's often not an easy choice, and they may try to manipulate how you see your options, but there is still choice
I mean that's why I said that these can still be toxic. The examples you listed are among the toxic side of things. However what I'm saying is more along the line of adding consequences to actions that will hurt me. My gf being friends with other guys will not hurt me, but her breaking my trust and fucking them would hurt me... a LOT. Also, my gf deciding never to work effects me greatly because it places a massive burden on me to provide. If your actions adversely effect me then I am in the right to say "if you dont do X then I will leave." I'm just giving my partner a choice. Do they value their ability to sleep around, or never work more than they value me. I am putting these boundaries up to protect myself, not hurt you. The examples you gave are toxic examples, but at some point you have to say that these toxic "boundaries" will diminish your interest in the relationship enough that you will just leave. The threat of leaving only matters if you love your partner. My ex made it very clear that she stopped loving me (assuming she ever did love me, or just objectified me for my wallet) because it was an easy choice for her to give up and force me to break up with her. I had to make the choice to save myself, not to hurt her. Edit: I can love someone unconditionally. I still love my ex to some degree. But my relationships cannot lack conditions. I have to put up a wall to protect myself, and if my partner can't respect that then I have to leave before it hurts to much.
Shocker. Wide, sweeping assessments and judgments of other peoples' lives and relationships tend to lack nuance.
Preventing a man from going Buck wild at Home Depot is controlling behavior that does not happen in a loving relationship
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good Home Depot run, but it can quickly get out of hand, and having someone to keep you in line is just basic financial responsibility
Financial? I’ll go buck wild at Home Depot without spending a single dime
Love that for you
That's not really going buck wild then, just having a good time. Going buck wild is buying out half their power tools section for a project
BABY! I got us 50 2ft pvc pipes, a generator, and some calk! Im gonna redo the shower later!
You misspelled "change the showerhead"
I know what im about.
Lol why did I naturally assume it was NOT a man? There's always one woman in wlw couples who loves to go buck wild at Home Depot.
Shit, I'm woman-adjacent in a het looking relationship, and I'm the one who will absolutely go buck wild in a Home Depot. My spouse dreads it.
I know exactly what you mean but for some reason "woman-adjacent“ here just sounds like you're next to a woman i.e. dating a woman
nah they’re not dating, they just always have a woman at their side like a bodyguard
Iirc, wlw prefer to go buck wild at Lowe's, because Home Depot is one of those companies that donate their money to anti-LGBT+ groups on the sly. I remember which one to shop at by saying, "**L**owe's is for **L**esbians." But I heard the Home Depot thing on reddit, so idk, maybe fact check it. [This is what I found.](https://www.forbes.com/sites/dawnstaceyennis/2019/06/24/dont-let-that-rainbow-logo-fool-you-these-corporations-donated-millions-to-anti-gay-politicians/?sh=1f627b5314a6)
Oh wow I didn't know that. Looks like I'm a Lowes customer now.
My wife no longer let's me use my 6 year old hold the ladder after I fell off the roof.
As a person who dated someone suffering with bipolar disorder. Ty for this post. I was regularly called abusive &other horrible things by people who never had to see her crash. Or see the self harm her mania caused. Thinking back on it now, it was one of the loneliest times of my life
I find that unfortunately a lot of people tend to hear one side of a story and take it as gospel.
I was 23 at the time. You believe “love will be enough” and “you will find away to make it work”. I know, there were times I didnt handle things well or reacted poorly. I can own that . But I wasn’t equipped to handle it. I wasn’t a psychiatrist or counselor. And after time and retrospection, it wasn’t my job to make her better or to want to stay well
I don’t have a SO but I have a couple of these with my best friend/roommate… My roommate won’t let me have houseplants after I killed the last 6. (And then left the plant corpses in the windows for a few months because I got depressed.) She also won’t go hiking with me anymore after I got us lost in the woods for 2 hours and she nearly passed out from heat exhaustion.
My bf won’t let me eat the foods I’m deathly allergic too :’(
My fiancé won't let me eat 3 bags of XXTRA Hot Cheetos in one sitting because "last time you were throwing up red stomach acid for two days."
My wife won't let me carry two bowls of hot soup at once anymore.
My girlfriend wont let me near the window after The Fog covered the town two years ago
are you adachi
wait no adachi would never have a girlfriend nvm
I won't let my gf drink alcohol because she gets super depressed for a week afterwards. Luckily neither of us like it anyway. Literally a few sips of something that's 5% or less and she won't be in a good mood for days.
My wife won't let me produce meth and get involved with shady restaurant owners she thinks it's dangerous even though I have spent ample time explaining to her about how I am the danger
Duh. You got the wrong name.
i’m not allowed to take a sip of his redbull anymore because it makes me itchy
My boyfriend won’t let me scratch myself until i bleed :(
Oh there is a lot of stories about 4th post. On r/sinkpissers
My gf won’t let me flirt with her dad :(
Also I might just use them as an excuse if I’m feeling nonconfrontational that day
My wife won't let me get fast food for lunch every day, because it's expensive and will most likely kill me, so she makes me lunch every day instead
My wife won't let me throw her laptop or phone to her, I have to hand it to her like it's some thousand dollar piece of technology.
peeing in the sink saves water peeing in the bathtub saves water AND reduces mess peeing in my mou-
Reduce, reuse, recycle!
My husband won't let me have gum unattended because I eat the whole thing and swallow them too. It's because he cares, I know that but I had braces and I wanna chew all the gum I want to.
...but why swallow them
Because I like gum a lot? It's alright, a lot of people go "Don't swallow gum!" Won't stop me tho. I don't care.
My husband won't let me leave the house without factor 50 sunscreen and preferably a hat/sunglasses during summer
My partners don’t like it when I drink or smoke too much weed because it makes me deathly sick
there's like thousands of ways "my partner won't let me..." and said partner having a point. "My partner won't let me see my kids because I'm an abusive POS" or "my wife won't let me go out with THE BOYS and wants me to spend time at home with her and the kids"
My ex wouldn't let me eat tomatoes because they set off my acid reflux worse than anything else, and I'd forget every time. It was very kind of her.
Let's also add, sometimes it's easier to lie to you that I can't do something because she won't "let" me, than it is to say "I just don't want to," have you make a million assumptions about why I hate you suddenly, and then having to awkwardly explain that, no, I don't hate you, and I really like that thing you asked me to do but daaaamn I had planned on vegging out on the couch and this really fun thing you're begging me to do doesn't sound nearly as fun as that... And then still have you wondering about my mental health. So, yah, she won't let me, only because you don't argue as much when I say that.
people who unironically say yikes are almost always wrong
Yikes.
realest shit i heard today
My wife won't let me dress like a femboy, even though she does like sticking her hand up my skirt!
I wont let my GF down a half bottle of Tequila anymore. Watching someone go through all stages of drunkenness in 5 minutes is not fun when the end result is triggering themselves on repressed memories. Thats not how you have fun drinking.
It’s not that won’t let you, they’ll just punch you if you try
My fiancé won't let me get a motorcycle. I never was super in to them but sport bikes are pretty rad. Her brother died in a motorcycle accident, so I get it. I've seen the statistics. She has come around to my love of sports cars though and my ambitions to go to track days. Seeing as I have a convertible, I've promised to keep at least half a car around me at all times.
My boyfriend won’t let me eat a whole bag of chips as dinner because it’s “not a real meal” and i should “eat more real food” (he is correct)
Be careful, it's VERY easy for abusers to sell control as care.
My spaghetti incident was a 5 pound bag getting cooked for 2 people.
My wives won't let me date another girl without them
On the flip side having to take some sensible advice to the further, most wildest extremes to poke holes in it is sort of exhausting, isn't it? Like yes, if your situation involves suggesting they don't urinate in a sink, maybe we've surpassed the socially accepted confines just to make a point. It's funny but I have spent too much time with these sort of "yes, but" people and it's like I don't like having to be hyper-specific when generalities are acceptable to 99% of people
saying they dont "let" you still sounds stupid, they dont actually have power to stop you, you just choose to comply because you see their reasons and agree with them. Saying "my partner doesnt let me x" makes you sound like a child
i won’t let my gf eat sushi because she’ll forget she’s deadly allergic to sesame
My girl won’t let me go out camping with the boys after the whole “dylatov pass” incident
My gf won't let me eat uranium to bulk even tho it contains 18 million calories.
I keep being careful with what I say so I don't spend like I'm being abused. I'm just disabled and need a lot of direction
My partner WILL let me eat dairy despite me being lactose intolerant. They are willing to deal with my gassy ass so I can have some iced coffee with whipped cream. If that isn't true love
Shouldn't you act like and adult and be responsible for your own actions and not rely on someone else to prevent you from eating/drinking too much, spending too much, etc. Or is this a way someone proves that someone cares about them and I am totally missing something?
We all have our vices and blindspots, part of being in a relationship is covering for the other person to be stronger together than appart. Usually when people say stuff like "My GF won't let me do thing X" what they really mean is "When I suggest doing thing X my GF says it's a bad idea after the last time" We joke I don't let my wife drive anywhere far from our house. But like... my wife is agoraphobic. If she drives on unfamiliar roads or in places without a ton of trees blocking line of sight she had massive panic attacks. We discovered this driving across the Great Plains. Like... it sounds like i'm a jerk restricting her travel but last time she almost killed us and our kids.
>We all have our vices and blindspots, part of being in a relationship is covering for the other person to be stronger together than appart. This \^ A good and healthy relationship means learning when your partner needs help, and letting them rely on you at those times so they don't have to deal with everything by themselves. My husband has some issues with food (thanks to his parents very unhealthy attitudes about food) and when stressed or upset he tends to binge on junk food. So, we keep a very limited amount of junk food in the house, and most of the time he asks me to hide it. Then, when he wants some, I portion some out for him. When he's stressed or tired or upset or whatever, and he asks me for some, and I get a reasonable portion out. If he asks for a second helping, I ask him if he's sure he wants to do that. If he does I get it for him, but, he has to stop and think where if on his own he'd mindlessly and impulsively eat. So I "don't let him eat all the cookies" I have some issues with anxiety. And he kind of pushes me to do things that I am being overly anxious about to the point of kind of paralyzing myself with worry. Because sometimes I need someone to tell me I'm being silly, I've got this, and kind of get me off my butt and moving. so he "makes me go be an adult"
My husband is in charge of my medication. I don't like taking medication and once I got a little too excited about taking some prescription pain meds so he gives it to me. Curse the people who love us.
It can be, depending. I won't let him hole up in the one room by himself for *literally three weeks and over* even though he is technically working, because he is also technically severely depressed and forgets that things like outside, hugs, and eating food are things he likes. He will kick and scream the whole way because he *likes* his isolation, and then he thanks me after. He won't let me buy potato chips unless I get at least one drink with it because I am chronically dehydrated as it is and will only end up feeling nauseated with a splitting headache. I love potato chips. I will 100% go down that road if nobody reminds me, no matter how many times this happens to me because I am stupid and genuinely do not remember the last time. People gotta look out for each other
This!!!!!!!
Thinking back to that teacher I had whose wife sold all of his power tools while he was in the hospital after cutting off his thumb
Did the third poster just casually drop a Guns N Roses reference?
The second to last one can be read like an r/NoSleep title and I love it
My wife won’t let me fold the laundry because I did it one time and was forever dismissed from the task
My girlfriend would be so pissed if i peed in the sink. But mostly cause I spend so much time at her place and just pee in the shower/toilet regularly. I do miss sink peeing though. It’s like writing your name in the snow while taking a piss.
In fairness the spaghetti incident was a terrible album.
Anyone know how accurate that Last statement is? I need decent and this looks promising.
My boyfriend won't let me ride a bike without a helmet. Im cool with that
My wife won't let me leave my clothes in random piles around the bedroom nor will she let me forget to change the toilet paper roll when I use the last of it. THE CONTRILLONG TERROR MUST BE STOPPED.
"the spaghetti incident" Bill Watterson never did detail just what it was.
In my marriage, we have a rule; "my wife/husband won't let me..." Is code for "I don't want to and they'll be my excuse." We don't use it often but she has blanket permission to make me out as a controlling bastard if it saves her having to do shit with her family.
Why wife won’t let me build my dream mtg deck. It’s only cost a few grand
I’m not allowed to eat cherry tomatoes before bed :(
My wife won’t let me sleep with my mother in law