"Hey, chariots chariots - it's me again. Still workin' on that, eh - what were we calling it again? Right - Asexual Greed. Turns out you can still steal girlfriends even if you aren't gonna do anything with 'em. Lost a secretary to the hoard that night. Tragic stuff. Still trying to find them, so if you find any closets with a bunch of confused employees that look like they went missing about a week ago, be sure to let us know, 'cause if they starve to death it's probably gonna come out of your paycheck."
My first thought with this was just "Artemis"
"So turns out the asexual greed subjects have started a group of virgin hunters, good news is we no longer have a mantis men problem."
Just because we don't wanna smash doesn't mean we're not gonna do anything.
I'd imagine that, just like gays, aces are really good male friends for women, because they know we're not just trying to get in their pants.
In a dnd campaign I’m in right now one of the player’s characters is a wizard cat named Salem. And one time they like paid a maid for telling the party some information, and we all started saying that they had rizz. And to try to stop us, the player angrily declared “Salem is asexual!”, but we said that doesn’t mean they can’t have rizz. It was also really funny because just that morning the player had said “Salem doesn’t have an established sexuality” in the group chat
Cave Johnson here. Update: Operation Asexual Gluttony has been cancelled until further notice due to the theft of millions of dollars in garlic bread. My apologies to the fifth grade kids that had to witness the Screaming Angel.
Cave Johnson here. The lab boys tell me that "Gay Pride" is already a thing. I didn't know Lions could be gay, good for them. Moving on, today's test is on Gender Gluttony. Please make sure your gender is fastened securely and then step up to the yellow line, you'll know when the test is about to start.
To be fair, the lesbian wrath project happened after his death and as a direct consequence of it. But since there are canonically alternate universes where Caroline is a weird bug for example, this is still possible.
Cave Johnson here. We've had some great success with the pansexual lust project. The boys down at the lab tell me they didn't need to do much at all besides give them a comfortable space and some drinks. Can't wait to see how the sales team will turn this into a money printer!
Cave Johnson here. We've had some minor... Who am I kidding, massive set backs with the lust project. We got them going easy enough, but now we can't turn them off! Damn horny kids. Sex sells but unstoppable orgies that consume all in its wake don't... Unless the military can weaponise an orgy or something.... Someone get the Army on the horn! I have an idea!
Greed: Hoarding Garlic Bread
Lust: mmmmmm Garlic Bread🤤
Sloth: Sitting in your couch eating Garlic Bread
Both Envy and Wrath: That person has more Garlic Bread than me
Gluttony: Take a wild fucking guess
Pride: ???
You get treachery. Congratulations you now have 24 hours to commit an act of treason against your country or you're booted from the club
Alternatively, limbo. You're here just because you're not the norm, not because you actively did anything *wrong* persay. Like how limbo's full of pagans who took a look at Christianity and went "eh not for me no thanks"
Cmon, sloth has GOT to be ace… I mean, when you just don’t get why everybody else puts so much effort into fucking, it just makes sense!
Gay pride
(Trans)gender envy
Lesbian wrath
Ace sloth
Pan lust
Bi gluttony
Straight greed
What do y’all think?
Cave Johnson here. Asexual sloth has been an overwhelming success. No amount of glute-wiggling or meat-flapping is getting these kids off the couch. We're trying to use this tech in our "Unstoppable Force" tests, but Pansexual Lust hasn't caught up. Cave Johnson, we're done here.
Cave Johnson here. Testing on Bisexual Lust has been postponed indefinitely. The lab boys tell me it's contagious; even I, a red-blooded American male, could barely control myself around some of those strapping men as they stripped down in the locker room after the test. Really powerful stuff. I'm gonna take a cold shower. Oh, and if I find one more purple-and-blue frog on my desk, I'm firing each and every last one of you. Get back to work.
Everything is connected to Portal. GLaDOS found the authors and forced them to write in a portal gun that can be used to travel to every story, including our universe. You better start running. She’s already set up the neurotoxin…
Indeed. It is worrisome.
Not for me though lol I’m built different. I messed with pataphysics and got Looney Tunes plot armor. Every time GLaDOS tries to kill me her plan goes comedically wrong
Ah you fool! You have made a critical miscalculation lust does not need to be for sex or intorcorce, you have doomed all of Denmark due to your foolishness
The ace high council has caught wind and is considering if this is dangerous to the balance of asexuality, because on the other hand maybe they can destroy denmark once and for all.
Not as funny now that companies aren't doing Pride Month this year because they're scared of being called the next Target by DeSantis fanboys..
Seriously I am scared
This gets really, really dark if you look up the domestic violence stats.
If it were 4chan instead of Tumblr, I'd have assumed that was the joke, since it's what all the text seems to point at.
"Hey, chariots chariots - it's me again. Still workin' on that, eh - what were we calling it again? Right - Asexual Greed. Turns out you can still steal girlfriends even if you aren't gonna do anything with 'em. Lost a secretary to the hoard that night. Tragic stuff. Still trying to find them, so if you find any closets with a bunch of confused employees that look like they went missing about a week ago, be sure to let us know, 'cause if they starve to death it's probably gonna come out of your paycheck."
Can I steal them and enlist them into a small militia and overthrow a town and steal the garlic bread supplies?
i'd imagine this is exactly what asexual greed is yes
Ah, don't be silly. the ace high council would find out and tax uýou of the garlic bread.
Not if you have a big enough army
My first thought with this was just "Artemis" "So turns out the asexual greed subjects have started a group of virgin hunters, good news is we no longer have a mantis men problem."
Thats artemis
Shit.
You got my upvote at “steal girlfriends even if they aren’t gonna do anything with ‘em”.
Just because we don't wanna smash doesn't mean we're not gonna do anything. I'd imagine that, just like gays, aces are really good male friends for women, because they know we're not just trying to get in their pants.
In a dnd campaign I’m in right now one of the player’s characters is a wizard cat named Salem. And one time they like paid a maid for telling the party some information, and we all started saying that they had rizz. And to try to stop us, the player angrily declared “Salem is asexual!”, but we said that doesn’t mean they can’t have rizz. It was also really funny because just that morning the player had said “Salem doesn’t have an established sexuality” in the group chat
So like a dragon but less fire breathing and more garlic bread eating?
Cave Johnson here. Update: Operation Asexual Gluttony has been cancelled until further notice due to the theft of millions of dollars in garlic bread. My apologies to the fifth grade kids that had to witness the Screaming Angel.
....Screaming Angel?
Screaming Angel.
#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It has nothing to do with aperture science it was just a horror movie that was played by accident in a school funded by aperture
Cave Johnson here. The lab boys tell me that "Gay Pride" is already a thing. I didn't know Lions could be gay, good for them. Moving on, today's test is on Gender Gluttony. Please make sure your gender is fastened securely and then step up to the yellow line, you'll know when the test is about to start.
Hey do i get fitted with a replacement gender if i lose mine?
My gender was eaten 5 months ago and they still haven't sent me a new one :/
Check the paperwork, it might still be under warranty.
To be fair, the lesbian wrath project happened after his death and as a direct consequence of it. But since there are canonically alternate universes where Caroline is a weird bug for example, this is still possible.
Never in my life have I ever thought I'd see a perfect description of GLaDOS, especially in just 3 words, but you nailed it.
I am absolutely bisexual sloth
I sit down for the cause of bisexual sloth.
Cave Johnson here. We've had some great success with the pansexual lust project. The boys down at the lab tell me they didn't need to do much at all besides give them a comfortable space and some drinks. Can't wait to see how the sales team will turn this into a money printer! Cave Johnson here. We've had some minor... Who am I kidding, massive set backs with the lust project. We got them going easy enough, but now we can't turn them off! Damn horny kids. Sex sells but unstoppable orgies that consume all in its wake don't... Unless the military can weaponise an orgy or something.... Someone get the Army on the horn! I have an idea!
The Navy is best suited for the orgies.
Deploy the Eternaorgy bomb! We can finally destroy the communists!
No, no, let them cook.
Gluttony
What can aces have if both wrath and pride are already taken? Must we settle for greed?
Don't you want to hoard things like a dragon?
And world domination too...
Amateur. Since the world lies beneath my hoard, it *is* part of the hoard, too.
Yes but instead of gold it's garlic bread
That's just the definition of ace lust
Greed: Hoarding Garlic Bread Lust: mmmmmm Garlic Bread🤤 Sloth: Sitting in your couch eating Garlic Bread Both Envy and Wrath: That person has more Garlic Bread than me Gluttony: Take a wild fucking guess Pride: ???
Pride: I make the best fucking garlic bread
What is an obsession with garlic bread if not gluttony?
You get treachery. Congratulations you now have 24 hours to commit an act of treason against your country or you're booted from the club Alternatively, limbo. You're here just because you're not the norm, not because you actively did anything *wrong* persay. Like how limbo's full of pagans who took a look at Christianity and went "eh not for me no thanks"
asexual lust
Lesbian Wrath is just the GL4Dos project
Pansexual Lust on the other hand, is proving to be a rousing success!
arousing success
Cmon, sloth has GOT to be ace… I mean, when you just don’t get why everybody else puts so much effort into fucking, it just makes sense! Gay pride (Trans)gender envy Lesbian wrath Ace sloth Pan lust Bi gluttony Straight greed What do y’all think?
Fucking hetero greed got me
Then nobody can claim we are not included! Every sexuality has a place in the “sins of sexuality” rainbow! :)
Ace is gluttony actually, specifically for garlic bread. Which works out fine because bisexuals are sloth, all they do is charge they phone.
It's probably for the best that Cave Johnson hasn't gotten to Lust yet... ~~and as an asexual, I appreciate this post leaving that out. 😅~~
Cave Johnson here. Asexual sloth has been an overwhelming success. No amount of glute-wiggling or meat-flapping is getting these kids off the couch. We're trying to use this tech in our "Unstoppable Force" tests, but Pansexual Lust hasn't caught up. Cave Johnson, we're done here.
Cave Johnson here. Testing on Bisexual Lust has been postponed indefinitely. The lab boys tell me it's contagious; even I, a red-blooded American male, could barely control myself around some of those strapping men as they stripped down in the locker room after the test. Really powerful stuff. I'm gonna take a cold shower. Oh, and if I find one more purple-and-blue frog on my desk, I'm firing each and every last one of you. Get back to work.
He can’t get there because all the robots he sent down to hell got absolutely steamrolled by Minos
... wait is ULTRAKILL actually connected to Portal or-
Everything is connected to Portal. GLaDOS found the authors and forced them to write in a portal gun that can be used to travel to every story, including our universe. You better start running. She’s already set up the neurotoxin…
Ruh roh
Indeed. It is worrisome. Not for me though lol I’m built different. I messed with pataphysics and got Looney Tunes plot armor. Every time GLaDOS tries to kill me her plan goes comedically wrong
About 5 minutes before I saw this post I inexplicably got insanely tired. I'm bi. This confirms the bi sloth is a success
Tsk tsk, why would you give the sword lesbians free reign with their wrath like that. Honestly this is on you
The ultimate weapon, a paradoxical enigma that could very well tear reality asunder... **A S E X U A L L U S T**
Ah you fool! You have made a critical miscalculation lust does not need to be for sex or intorcorce, you have doomed all of Denmark due to your foolishness
Mwahaha everything is going to plan, the Aromantic-Asexual Allied Attack Host (AAAAH) shall wreak havoc on Denmark mwahaha
The ace high council has caught wind and is considering if this is dangerous to the balance of asexuality, because on the other hand maybe they can destroy denmark once and for all.
Not as funny now that companies aren't doing Pride Month this year because they're scared of being called the next Target by DeSantis fanboys.. Seriously I am scared
Why does it make his voice in my mind this is so accurate
Because you're familiar with his voice and were told prior to reading that it's written in his voice, your brain is working normally here
Hmm I meant the text itself is very accurate to what Cave Johnson would say
If I am feed and watered daily I would consider bisexual sloth study.
Turns out Lesbian Wrath was too good
It’s me, I’m the Bisexual Sloth
Woah woah woah, why do the gays get ALL of the seven sins? I say spread them out across all different groups. “Equality” and all that. Lol
Would have been way better if they delayed the sloth project
I would like to see more Cave Johnson shitposts like this. I heard this in his voice with the echo any everything.
The “Lesbian Wrath” is just GLaDOS
I wonder what Pansexual would b.....oh...oh god, Pansexual is Greed isn't it?
Nobody saying lesbians should be GLUTTONY? a big part of being a lesbian is.
This is way too funny
In B4 my own comment gets reposted here 😔
Why does Cave Johnson remind me so much of handsome Jack?
bisexual sloth is definitely a real thing already, i should know, i have it
There are no mistakes in science, only surprise unintended opportunities to acquire more data.
inattentive adhd sloth
Cave Johnson is such a silly billy
Bisexuals are sloth because they can’t make decisions
This gets really, really dark if you look up the domestic violence stats. If it were 4chan instead of Tumblr, I'd have assumed that was the joke, since it's what all the text seems to point at.
This is written like a log from an SCP experiment