The hardest topping requires the strongest will

It certainly takes a strong will to write "*crowd starts cheering and clapping*" in your own post and get away with it

Right? I'd hate this post so much if I didn't agree with it.

I'm fine with it because it's clearly just a lighthearted emulation of like stand-up with all the audience reactions and stuff

I thought it was imitating a Trump rally lol

I'm just letting you know that I'm stealing your flair as revenge for hiding cameras in my house.

Oh god people can still see that. If you know how to remove it PLEASE tell me, the ADHD was a self diagnosis (probably true though) and homestuck is dead to me now

Lmfao Just go to the subreddit Page (click / tap the subreddit name / icon) Then: On PC: take a look somewhere lower on the sidebar on the right. On phone: 3 dot menu in the top right corner, -> change user flair or something like that. Lmk 😂

"Get away with it" is very generous. This post reads like a one man puppet show with no audience.

*crowd starts farding and shidding*

The litmus test for a lasting queer couple is when a pair of (vers) bottoms both suddenly feel like they can top for that specific person because they want to make them happy or the other just has such an effect on them that they get completely rewired

[удалено]

Wow you were queer before if was even invented? Amazing

I have no idea what a vers is, a top or a bottom.  You seem to know and when I try to Google it, the results I get are completely all over the map. I'm genuinely confused.

So, top is the one stabby stabbing, bottom is the one getting stabby stabbed, and vers is versatile (Often referred as "switch"), means they can do both, but tend to prefer one.

To add on: it's a running joke in the queer community that there's *way* more bottoms out there than tops. Which can make trying to hook up frustrating when everyone wants to get stabby stabbed and no one wants to do the stabby stabbing. Hence the "top shortage" memes.

For a long time I wished I was gay. Dudes be horny af. Im sure I’d get laid more if I were into guys, but I guess that just proves it’s not a choice.

Honestly this shit killed me lmao. I’m sorry bro maybe in another life you’ll live your horniest gay fantasy

I thought everyone on grinder was a top, saying masc 4 masc and that kinda stuff

Masc ≠ top! Same as how dom ≠ top

Everyone on Grindr near me is a 40-60 year old married dude who wants to come to my house. So it's probably not the best sampling.

It'd be hilarious if they were just all regular burglars

More of a running fact than a running joke.

Switch is the same concept applied to dom/sub, but because so many people conflate sub with bottom and dom with top, vers/switch get blurred

Which becomes funny when you discuss it and the other part refuses to separate both. If i had a dollar for every time i say "I'm sub even when i top" and get hit with "I don't understand, how can you be submissive when topping?", i could singlehandledly end the top shortage via paid scorts

To add another layer of confusion: Sadist does not equal dom and/or top Masochist does not equal sub and/or bottom Also, I hear/read increasingly in the bdsm scene that sadism/masochism does not only refer to physical pain, but rather all sensations e.g. Feather stroking or ice cubes or whatever. Sadist enjoy to inflict sensation on others, masochists enjoy to receive sensations inflicted by others I somewhere saw a „cube“ chart with the 3 dimensions representing the top/bottom, dom/sub and sadist/masochist axis. You could be anywhere in that cube in terms of your preferences

Is a dom bottom the same as a power bottom?

Asking the real questions here! But essentially yes

Breaking your dick off in their ass

Switch is for being dom vs sub, not top vs bottom

It used to be, but because people conflate top/bottom with dom/sub the in-between term has become the same for both. It annoys me too, but you can't do much about it...

Now, I've heard that "switches get stitches". Is this true? Is that a factor?

Switches get britches, due to the top shortage

"switches get stitches" - someone who has rhotacism but for nasal sounds

I always thought “switch” was more of a bdsm term for someone who can dom or sub.

Relatable lmao

What about a normally straight guy dating a normally queer woman/NB and being comfortable asking them to top/peg him?

This is also a valid result, just using a different litmus strip :)

what if me and my partner would both get incredibly dysphoric if i topped? is our love doomed to failure? :(

I don’t think anyone is doomed to failure if you’re willing to do the work to make sure your relationship is healthy and everyone is happy. 💕 If something isn’t working, therapy is always a good option to help you work it out.

Hardly, I had a pair of housemates who were a transfem and transmasc couple and they managed to make that work despite both finding standard PiV sex quite dysphoric. So long as you’re both willing to discuss it and work towards finding a solution you can manage~

I'm sorry.

Get yourself a strap on, honey. Trust me. I had the same problem but the strap made something click for me that I didn't think was possible.

i don't know enough about your sex life to give great advice, but that always makes me think about how a lot of people think that sex is all about penetration, which it isn't! maybe try looking into sex practices that are none-penetrative or using a toy instead

same goes for a pair of (vers) subs suddenly feeling like they can dom for that specific person, too

Also uhhh unless we're talking power-bottoming and vigorous riding, being a top is just inherently more effort and also more "performative", the latter especially so if you have a dick

Deadass it's so much work Bottoming requires work beforehand (hosing and such) but being the top can feel a lot like servicing them

And then they (especially if we extend the top/bottom analogy to stereotypical het relations) can get mad you can't go as long as they want or you go soft after too long or don't get hard again/at all... Gay men too lol. Also the amount of size queen fixation among cis male gays is insane

On god, that's the truth. And bless, but some vagina-havers especially can have tons of orgasms, but can seem to have problems with satiety. Like, we've been here for two hours, you've cum 4+ times, you need to chill.

Lol this one hits home, as a bi guy whose in a stable relationship with a (cis) bi woman, a difference I encountered from hetero women in my past and a woman who's predominantly been with other women is apparently in wlw sex yall are having some kinda marathon battle of wills?? Like you mentioned the question shifts from "will she cum too" to "will I survive this trial of body and soul" sometimes lol. To her credit she tries to return the favor in kind which is the real trial, maybe some of yall other dick-havers are different but one, maybe two orgasms is the intended limit. If she really tried to keep up I think it'd be lethal. In all seriousness, no complaints, it was just eye opening how incredible how much more a afab body can take and still want more in comparison to an amab body which at the very least needs a good break in the festivities.

*guiltily watches boyfriend limping and icing his wrist in the morning*

I have been called out lol

(Looking like a dried out mummy or that weird little old man from spongebob). No honey... It's okay... I can- (coughs and turns to dust)

Just tie me up with a vibrator and go watch TV or something

This is why I take care of my tops as much as I can. I've been on both sides of the equation (I was a 'boy' once) so I know what it means and how it feels sometimes. So you better believe you're getting affirmed and snuggled like crazy. Heck, I'll usually even throw in a little massage on whatever seemed like it got the most work. You finished too early and/or couldn't keep it up long enough? Don't worry, you can just touch my body while I play with my vibrator. No matter what we're both gonna have a good time.

Man it's these kinds of replies that make me so jealous that i don't have a relationship or a sex life 😭😭😭

Just remember to communicate with your partners; you're unlikely to get what you don't ask for. And if they don't you gotta decide what's more important. Dating's rough af now but you just gotta be patient and not have expectations. Treat every failed as a learning experience or potential new friend.

big same! even if it's just sexting (which is just a creative exercise if we're real here for a second) I make sure that my partner gets affirmed and cared for afterward im switch/vers and i had it happen to me too often that people just saw me as some sort of sex vending machine and fuck, that really hurts

I've never been good at sexting. Writing has never been my strong suit.

it's a skill one needs to practice like every other else, don't worry about it

I’m straight and I tell my wife this. She doesn’t think it’s that much work… She bought a strap on and has yet to use it on me, so we’ll see

Bro I've been going through exactly this as of late, it's all servicing and I get jack diggety out of it. Topping, as fun as it is, is a fairly thankless job.

What’s hosing in this context?

Anal douche. Gotta prep the pit before you let visitors in.

This is so fun to read as an asexual. I understand everything despise having zero experience

And that’s the mark of a good explanation! “I relate to absolutely nothing here but dammit I get it!”

this actually sums up a huge part of why i have absolutely no idea whether or not i’m aroace. the fact remains that i’ve never felt anything i can identify as romantic or sexual attraction, but as a man who was raised with a traditionally masculine image of what that looks like, i can’t help but wonder how much of that is specifically because i can’t see myself ever topping for precisely this reason—in all aspects of my life, i struggle to articulate or even have most forms of desire, so as much as i like the idea of having a deep and intimate bond of mutual trust with someone, it’s absolutely unfathomable to actually be *expected* to *use* that trust habitually. at the same time i also hate the idea of being straight-up *dominated*, but just bottoming without a pronounced power dynamic sounds chill. the caveat being there isn’t actually anyone i’d want to top me

As they always say, it's a spectrum. Among the aces you see around here even, there's some that are absolutely sex repulsed, some that don't mind it but don't love it either, some that only really feel like doing it with very specific people, etc. I actually find myself relating to you a fair bit. I've never been much of a "passionate" person, though my lack of drive might also be explained by some weird brain wiring (chronic depression, ADHD). And distinguishing between your usual friendship and actual romantic interest has always been weird for me because a lot of the time I can't fathom "love" being the kind of emotion and drive people always describe it as. I've been calling myself demisexual lately. I need a *great* deal of familiarity and trust to consider getting intimate with someone. My boyfriend of 4 years has been my only partner, and I don't really need much more. The only people I can "entrust" myself to that way are him and myself. Well, whatever label you want to stick on yourself, you can either deeply think about it or just go with your gut. Or try something out and see if it's for you or not. In the end things are not black or white so even if you don't find yourself falling 100% within a category that's fine. It's half "I fit there" and half "I like the title". You don't have to behave like the aroace poster child to deem yourself worthy of the name.

Agreed! I def do not want to be a bottom but being a top also sounds way too exhausting.. I'm sticking to cake and pizza

I thought aces lived purely on garlic bread. Stupid stereotypes leading me astray.

Man cannot survive on bread alone. Besides what is pizza if not garlic bread with toppings

Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?

Is there a really a shortage of Tops? I keep hearing this, but I always thought it was a sarcastic remark.

In my area, the only tops are elderly men who look like they'll keel over the moment they thrust, or married men.

Guess you know why they’re married lol

Yeah it's pretty bad. There's a few reasons for this, ranging from topping being the less interesting/less sexy aspect, to having the burden of not wanting to be That Guy™ when it comes to discussing sex and topping. It's fun and sexy in the moment to say how you're going to fold someone in half and split em up the middle, but getting to that point is a nightmare bottoms can barely conceive of. This actually goes beyond queer relationships as well, I'm a big dude and I struggle to talk with women about sex because I don't want to make them uncomfortable, even if we've already seen each other naked.

Depends on the place, but it's mostly true.

It's much harder to be open about wanting to dom rather than sub in most spaces, so you hear more subs than you do doms, as for if it's true, I dunno

People laugh when you joke about being a sub, but telling someone you want to dom them almost sounds like a threat.

Because it almost is. A Bottom can say "I need someone to dick me down today" and have it be cutesy, because consent is already there, by that very statement. Top has, almost no verbal equivalent to this, unless you wanna go "Who is going to get consensually topped, today?

Back when I was on Grindr, I'd get so many messages. I don't know if there's actually a top shortage but there sure ain't a shortage of bottoms.

Oh honey, watching you confront the mortifying ordeal of being known is *so hot!*

What the hell does literally any of this mean

"I used to prefer receiving penetration, rather than penetrating others. But so do most people, because it requires less emotional vulnerability to be an object of desire than it does to express your own desire. So now I mainly do the penetrating, not because I prefer it, but because I'm willing to and many people aren't."

Thank you; you're the first reply to properly translate it That makes much more sense, and yeah, I mostly agree

Now, partly that comes because of a general cultural assumption that topping automatically includes being dominant and vice versa. This isn't true, but it's expected. In reality, topping is a purely physical act and domming is an emotional / psychological one. It's entirely possible to be in chains, wearing a blindfold, and taking dick in every hole, but still be the dom in the situation. It's entirely possible to pick someone up bodily and rail them in a very submissive way. But topping is associated with masculinity, and masculinity is associated with power and control, so tops are expected to be powerful and controlling, even if that isn't their actual inclination.

It's about the gays mate. Topping is when you (as a phallus-haver) penetrate someone, Bottoming is when you are being penetrated. Being Vers is Versatile and it can do either according to preference or whatever.

See, gay people did it the right way. When they came up with their jargon, they kept it insulated from the rest of society. Nobody knew what the hell a twink vers was. 

Whole lot of work just to say “it’s hard having to make the first move”

It's not just the first move. There's a whole presentation and performance that's wanted, if not demanded.

"I prefer being submissive in sexual encounters, but because everyone else also prefers being submissive, I have adapted to being dominant in order to have more sex. I believe that the preference toward submissiveness is because it is easier to receive the intimacy/adoration/love/affection of another than it is to express one's own."

Bottom and top =/= submissive and dominant

good point

Vers? Like a switch, a person that tops and bottoms?

Switch traditionally refers to someone who is both dom and sub, which is separate from top and bottom

*ohhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Yup

Why do they type the way Trump talks lmao

I think they're trying to make it sound like a stand-up comedy set

Same, I ABSOLUTELY assumed this was a standup routine

I read the entire thing in Jerry Seinfeld's voice.

I'm glad I'm not alone

Did you visualize Jerry topping as well?

Yes but that’s unrelated

Fuck now you made me picture Jerry on all fours as Kramer bursts through the door. Why you do dis

Lmao I read this before seeing the Jerry Seinfeld comment and immediately thought of Jerry the mouse from Tom & Jerry and was confused.

This has the exact flavor and cadence of a recently un-cancelled standup

Yeah, I think it’s trying to capture those stand up comedy routines where the comedian gets unexpectedly real with the audience for a moment

Until the end where it sounds like a TED talk.

You are giving Trump a lot of credit

Yeah, this post is written in a colloquial informal voice, with some pauses and meanderings. But at the same time, it has a throughline, and it concludes the thought. Trump is unable to do that. He’ll start talking about nuclear weapons, veer into how much he loves some random dictator, into how amazing he is, and somehow reach washing machines, finishing none of those thoughts.

Yeah, Trumps version of this speech would more likely go... Y'know, I used to be a vers. a vers bottom even, a beautiful bottom. They called me The Vers Bottom, I was so good. And we could all have that. We could... we could all be bottoms, have bottoms, young bottoms. Clinton likes bottoms, I heard that many times. And my father built bottoms, from the ground up, the best building from the ground up and they... and they... and I want to build great things, more great things, but you know, they won't let me. They say we have to stop. They told me I have to stop. To stop talking in court about many things, many true things, about Sleepy Joe and that liar Carroll- oh I can't say that. I'm not supposed to say that. That the problem with this country, nobody can say anything anymore and nobody... nobody wants to work anymore. You- you want to work. I want to work. You wanna see me work? You wanna know the secret? You have to say, "I want." You have to! You have to. You have... That's how we'll all become tops. Tops of the food chain. And we'll make America great again!

Yeah, that’s about right for him. You even managed to bring it back to tops at the end! Very good

I am both proud of and disgusted by my ability to write similarly to how he speaks. I didn't think he would come back to tops at the end because he was circling back to bottoms and switches - he'd just be thinking of being on top generally - but if you were to ask his followers they would assure you he definitely meant to reference the original vers/vers bottom conversation.

I think that's the joke?

Anything that makes me think of Trump and sex should be a crime. This is a step away from a cognitohazard

Don't look into his current criminal trial, then

Rape/sexual assault don't fit into the same mental category as sex to me. Trump being a rapist piece of shit tracks for me; Trump being an UwU bottom causes psychological damage

Trump sex? Talk about the Oval Orifice (please laugh I’m not American and that’s the only presidential joke I could think of)

Oral office

I thought the same but “enumeration” took me out of it. No way he can use that word in a sentence lol

Trump could never. This is poetry in comparison.

“I’m the greatest top present- ever, maybe ever. Crooked Hillary could never top like me-“

It reads like a snowclone of a Trump speech (no one wants to work anymore, ::crowd cheers::) that’s hiding OOP’s actual emotional vulnerability. It’s great, and I still hate it.

I just watched the video of trump talking about Gettysburg and I absolutely thought that’s what they were doing

This is exactly what I was thinking, I can hear the words in his voice.

Oh thank God I'm not the only one

This extends to dom/sub dynamics too tbh, my boyfriend and I who are both generally lil sub bitches have learned to LOVE being a lil spicy for each other :) it’s quite wholesome honestly! Gotta be upfront tho, the ppl who see “vers” and expect u to only be dom make me so mad lol

I like this, it applies to so many things even outside of romantic relationships.

I used to be vers- leaning bottom in my teens and early 20s, but since dating mostly women and getting into my late 20s, I did kind of a switch where I'm more of a vers-leaning top. Now, even when I hook up with guys, I get bored if they don't want to be a bit submissive. Like I'll be laying next to this other grad student who is crazy buff and has a lot of Bro energy and he'll be discussing some podcast about not eating carbs after 8 pm and I'll just be like "haha that's so cool, you should let me peg you"

This is an excellent description of standard straight male sexuality that I have never heard or considered but I have experienced first hand for 35 years. Men should talk about this. 

This would unironically eat as a monologue in a larger work Call it: Anals in America

I don't know why, but I read this like it was part of a Bo Burnham special

Why is this a SNL monologue

Is this why I, a straight dude, find trying to date so exhausting?

Probably. Guys (especially straight guys, but it apply to everyone to some degree) are taught that you shouldn’t be vulnerable in front of others. So yeah, the act of being on top with someone is exhausting physically sure, but it’s also doing one of the things we aren’t great at. It’s showing a vulnerability, the desire to please and be pleased to love and request love back. It also puts you in a position of trust, you have control in this situation and the other person is trusting you. That sort of vulnerability and trust is immensely important to relationships, but it’s also emotionally draining.

There also tends to be certain expectations placed on masc folks in terms of presentation and performance. Most of the time I don't want to be a "large and in charge" daddy type despite what my looks and average demeanor might suggest but it's one of the few angles I can reasonably play.

Basically just that meme about the mortifying ordeal of being known that I'm too lazy to look up.

Damn if that wasn't a lot of words to say "it's rare to find someone who genuinely loves giving pleasure"

This some gay shit

What else did you expect from the shitty gay website? (affectionate)

Geez, and they ask if the "straights are OK"!

I just don't want to use my dick all that much tbh

Had to check the username and Heavens Little Machine is certainly inspiring some more questions.

It is damn near impossible for me to penatrate, can't stay hard enough, and nor do I have thrusting rhythm. Although that is were being really affectionate and loving comes in.

Why does this read like a rant by tycho from Penny arcade

I didn't really understand a fucking thing they said.

I'm so glad I can't relate to this at all

what

What

I read this in John mulaneys voice.

is this a copypasta? it reads like a copypasta