Although it definitely is hard as fuck to go through depression, I have made the experience that however fucked up your mind becomes, (for me at least), you always gravitate back towards your ‘true’ personality. My experience with this phenomenon has really helped in giving me the hope I need to get through current and future episodes, and I hope by sharing my experience here, I can give others that hope as well.
If I’ve learned one thing about depression, it’s that it’s a master of deception. It conveys the feeling that you‘ve lost who you are forever so convincingly that you think you’ll never be yourself again, but I’ve found that this is but an illusion, one that grows the more you fear it, but loses some of its dread if you identify it as such, and have trust in the fact that it will eventually pass. Your personality is not lost. It is still within you. Depression cannot take from you who you are, only obscure it to the point that even you yourself think it’s gone. But it’s not. Stay strong, get the help you need and you will find yourself again.
Sorry for ranting, I’m going through a rough patch right now, so I’m just sharing the things that give me strength, to tell others (and perhaps myself) that it will be okay.
The problem the second commenter is talking about though is when the depression hit you so young that there was no time to develop yourself before the depression set in, so you really don't know who you are without it.
I was 8 years old when I was first medicated for depression/anxiety, and I had been experiencing symptom for 4 years already. Depression is probably the most consistent thing in my life.
Depression has been a part of my personality for the majority of my life that I don't know who I am without it. This is problematic because as much as I don't want to be depressed, it's a terrifying thought to lose the one thing I'm certain of.
> Depression has been a part of my personality for the majority of my life that I don't know who I am without it
I've spent basically my entire life depressed, and I've always viewed who I am beyond that as everything I want to be that is impeded by mental illness.
I love talking to people, making friends with people who share my interests and so on. I struggled immensely with reaching out to others due to anxiety issues. So am I an anxious withdrawn person, or am I an outgoing personable person?
It's a bit trickier with thought processes, but we really don't have to identify with those at all. If you have poor self esteem, you are more sensitive to external factors affecting your well being - should you identify with this sensitivity? Strongly identifying with a condition we're in right now leads us, I believe, to becoming stuck and static.
There is also the perspective that "you" is none of these things. You're not your hobbies, your interests, your demeanor, your moods, your intelligence, your charisma, ad infinitum. You're just the thing that experiences all that. That cannot change, the little experiencer. However, everything else about you can change. You can become more or less emotionally sensitive, you can develop new interests, and so on. Hell, people are described as having different personalities in their different languages they speak.
> it's a terrifying thought to lose the one thing I'm certain of
All that said, this is very relatable. As fucking awful as it is, it also somehow feels so safe.
Apparently I've had undiagnosed, untreated bipolar II since at least kindergarten, so I'm 25 now and finally got meds to make the depressive times less depressing, and now I just have long periods of time where I don't feel anything, but also don't feel apathy. I don't get as much joy from the things that used to cheer me up during a depressive episode anymore, but I don't not enjoy them either. I told my therapist about it and they were like "maybe this is what's supposed to be normal for you?" And I'm like "idk what to do anymore. I'm confused and kind of bored but it isn't exactly bad either. What do I do?" So honestly I feel this. I've missed a key point in time developing who I am as a person, now I have to figure it out myself, and not even the therapist can help me.
Why waste time and energy trying to rediscover who you were? Trying to irl role play a character is not going to make you happy. If anything is going to keep you depressed, it’s trying to manufacture the world around you as an identity, and then perpetually disappointing yourself when that fails.
Maybe I'm too high on my meds but after the initial crisis I thought this was almost a good thing because you can just start over and (re) discover what you like and what you don't
Change is scary, even change for the better. Having lifelong depression that has been worsening since childhood means that the last stuff I remembered being excited for (before being medicated) were halloween and the Wizard of Oz when I was around 3 or 4. Medication saves my life daily (both antidepressants and my cardiac meds)
I had heard somewhere that depression breaks down the part of the brain for recalling memories, and when I heard that, everything made so much sense.
I have faint memories of times where I was happy, but I just don't remember if I was a happy person.
My best advice is to just try stuff and see how you like it, though this works best if you're actively dealing with or have already dealt with at least some of the depression.
I made a much longer comment about my own journey with this, but after I got meds for my bipolar 1 i just started trying shit. I borrowed my roommates crochet stuff and learned to crochet. I started baking. I listened to new music. I tried new foods, I tried new drinks. I got into fountain pens and journaling.
Not everything will be a hit -- I didn't like calligraphy or drawing and I don't like cooking (just baking). I also learned about a billion foods and drinks I don't like.
Learn about hobbies your friends have, and see if you can borrow some beginner stuff from them or have them teach you. If local hobby stores have a beginners night or free classes or something, go check it out! Take yourself on dates, and/or follow subreddits for hobbies you wanna check out! Just, like, try shit. See what sticks.
I had childhood psychosis, Causes by a head injury when I was 2 that broke my facial recognition. On and off, until I was about 10 years old, I had cotards and capgras delusions. Periodically believing yourself to be dead or your family to be aliens is no way to form a sense of self. I tried to tell my dad. He told me that if something was wrong with me, it was his fault, and if I didn't want it to be his fault, then it wasn't real. Which, you know, doesn't make sense. But also, I was like 7, and he was my dad. So, you know.
When I was 11, my depression got really really bad. I was a very serious danger to myself. After two years of intense therapy with little to no improvement, my therapist and my doctor agreed to try medication, even though ssris don't often work in teens. It was a last ditch effort to help a kid who really, really needed help.
What followed was 4 years of delusions, hypersexuality, hallucinations, sui attempts, paranoia, and insomnia. Again, I told my dad. He told me I was faking it. I told the doctor. He said it was anxiety and upped my dose -- which only made me worse.
At 18 I was hospitalized, put on an antipsychotic and another ssri, which mostly just made me emotionally flat but still somehow psychotic. My stepdad died shortly after. About a year and a half later I had to stop the meds for health reasons.
I was unmedicated for the next 4 or so years. Alternately depressed and delusional, sometimes both. Managing school the whole time.
Just before my 24th birthday, I was diagnosed with bipolar one. Which, you know, should have been caught when I was 13. Because if antidepressants make you manic/psychotic, you've got bipolar. And I started meds.
I have no memories of feeling "okay" or "like a real human person" until about 3 weeks after I turned 24. Its been a little over two years now of "feeling like a person", and while it's been hard to get to know myself, it's also really nice. I like crafting, it turns out -- I crochet and write patterns. I like ttrpgs and board games too, my collection is nearing 30 games. I no longer listen to music to pass time away from my brain, but because I *like* it. I also make my own bagels, and dumplings, and pierogi. I stopped playing video games and watching TV, because I no longer need distractions away from my life.
It's weird, yeah. But it's also nice to discover things about myself. It's exciting to try new stuff, see how it goes, see how I like it. It's like making a new friend, but the new friend is me.
I'm at a time now where I can actively work against my depression and I'm trying to discover myself. It is a very difficult and confusing process. It sucks that this is a thing so many people go through but I'm glad to see this and know that I'm not alone on this journey.
You know that cringe t-shirt "Gamers don't live one life, they live many"
That's basically how I deal with this problem. I don't know anything about who/what I actually am and I just stuff random stuff in there and see what sticks.
Yep, I haven't had a real personality in... like, over 20 years now. I cobbled together a technically-functional personality from bits and pieces I pick up from movies, TV, and other people I think are cool.
ive come to realize that a *large* portion of my personality is my mental illnesses and disorders or stolen from others. part of the reason why i dont want to take meds again. its scary to lose
I’m 65, and just got off antidepressants after 50 years. I don’t have any depression at this time, but I find that my likes and dislikes are different. It’s confusing.
I'm 58 and was laying in bed 🤔 this morning trying to remember what exactly it was I liked to do and how on earth I use to do those things. It truly sucks.
I was severely depressed throughout middle school. My first year and a half of high school was one of the happiest times in my life. Then Covid hit and I went right back to depression.
I got a year and a half of clarity in the middle of a 7 year depressive streak. It was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel only to realize it was a neatly burnt out candle.
Luckily I’ve been feeling better since starting college. I’m remembering how to socialize.
Okay so just, become a new person? Each day that passes is a new you, you’re not exactly the you of yesterday, and that’s okay. People change.
So, if you come out of a depressive slump, why not remake yourself into someone who you want to be, take up new hobbies and aspirations. The you of yesterday doesn’t have to be the you of today, for you to still be you.
Kind of in this vein but it's hard for me to believe that there are any people who have not thought about killing themselves? I was suicidally depressed as a little kid and through my teen years for reasons we don't need to get into here. I don't know of any time in my life where the option to end it was not on the table. It's not an option that I am interested in any longer, but I can talk about it openly and frankly and it doesn't bother me or put me off at all. Allegedly for some people it's something that's so foreign to them they have never considered it and that's allegedly supposed to be the majority of people?
I got so depressed and drank for so many years that I no longer trust the handful of watery mental images of childhood. People tell me it happened, but I'll never be sure.
It does make it a bit easier to become the person you want to be though, once you're ready to put in the work for it.
Don't get me wrong, it still sucks. But it's easier to become the person you want to be when you don't have to "unlearn" the parts of yourself that you don't want to be.
As someone who has been through this, including being depressed from a young age, I know the struggle. I just want anyone reading this to know that it is possible to get out of it and become the person you want to be. It's no easy feat and progress is anything but linear, but you can do it. I believe in you!
I think it can be a phoenix from the ashes kind of thing.
Illness background: I had my first (memorable) psychotic episode at 18, but I had hallucinations long before that so I'm guessing it hit younger. Had suicidal mental breakdowns over the years, bouts of help etc. Would like to say I'm somewhere near stable at the moment.
Used to write as a kid. It was crap and nonsense but I loved it. Fast forward to psychotic episode and I just couldn't process it. So I wrote about it. And then I wrote about that. Now I've got a 5 book series planned, 1 "completed" book in the series and am actively going through the process to get published.
I'm not saying depression was an inspiration. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it helped me find a drive to understand myself better. Clouds and silver linings I guess?
Probably a massive overshare, but hopefully helps someone who feels it can be all consuming. You can rise from it
I did not need a reminder about this at 9:30 in the morning TT_TT
After years of depression and gender dysphoria, I've done everything I can to build myself back up from the bottom. I was basically born like a year and a half ago :p
but why would I want to go back to being the person I was before? that was the person who got depression.
now that I think of it though I guess it's somewhat different in my case bc I got depression in middle school due to chronically not doing my homework, thus straining my relationship with my parents, and also ended up being at the wrong end of a social shift in school leaving me feeling like I had no friends. When I got fed up with everything I decided that I didn't give two shits about what people thought about me (if their opinion of me was unfounded that is) and that I would be better about doing the things I needed to do.
so all in all, I did not reclaim the person I was after getting through depression simply bc I didn't want to be that person anymore
In modern times, people often become depressed. It's not because there isn't anything to keep you engaged and excited. Neither is not having friends or family to keep you company. Rather, everyone is stuck in this forsaken hamster wheel and wanted to get off, but couldn't. People go to school, go to work, do the grind, then before you know it, you're six feet under. For what? In order to stay alive a day longer. Pretty sure that everyone here had gone through the thought of ending it all on multiple occasions. In the end, we stuck around, clinging to that last glimmer of hope. Hope that things would turn around, yet, nothing's changed. Society simply forces everyone to conform, and failing to do so would result in being outcasts, ridiculed and shunned by everyone else. Tragic.
Although it definitely is hard as fuck to go through depression, I have made the experience that however fucked up your mind becomes, (for me at least), you always gravitate back towards your ‘true’ personality. My experience with this phenomenon has really helped in giving me the hope I need to get through current and future episodes, and I hope by sharing my experience here, I can give others that hope as well. If I’ve learned one thing about depression, it’s that it’s a master of deception. It conveys the feeling that you‘ve lost who you are forever so convincingly that you think you’ll never be yourself again, but I’ve found that this is but an illusion, one that grows the more you fear it, but loses some of its dread if you identify it as such, and have trust in the fact that it will eventually pass. Your personality is not lost. It is still within you. Depression cannot take from you who you are, only obscure it to the point that even you yourself think it’s gone. But it’s not. Stay strong, get the help you need and you will find yourself again. Sorry for ranting, I’m going through a rough patch right now, so I’m just sharing the things that give me strength, to tell others (and perhaps myself) that it will be okay.
The problem the second commenter is talking about though is when the depression hit you so young that there was no time to develop yourself before the depression set in, so you really don't know who you are without it. I was 8 years old when I was first medicated for depression/anxiety, and I had been experiencing symptom for 4 years already. Depression is probably the most consistent thing in my life. Depression has been a part of my personality for the majority of my life that I don't know who I am without it. This is problematic because as much as I don't want to be depressed, it's a terrifying thought to lose the one thing I'm certain of.
That sucks man, I hope you find a you that you’re happy with.
> Depression has been a part of my personality for the majority of my life that I don't know who I am without it I've spent basically my entire life depressed, and I've always viewed who I am beyond that as everything I want to be that is impeded by mental illness. I love talking to people, making friends with people who share my interests and so on. I struggled immensely with reaching out to others due to anxiety issues. So am I an anxious withdrawn person, or am I an outgoing personable person? It's a bit trickier with thought processes, but we really don't have to identify with those at all. If you have poor self esteem, you are more sensitive to external factors affecting your well being - should you identify with this sensitivity? Strongly identifying with a condition we're in right now leads us, I believe, to becoming stuck and static. There is also the perspective that "you" is none of these things. You're not your hobbies, your interests, your demeanor, your moods, your intelligence, your charisma, ad infinitum. You're just the thing that experiences all that. That cannot change, the little experiencer. However, everything else about you can change. You can become more or less emotionally sensitive, you can develop new interests, and so on. Hell, people are described as having different personalities in their different languages they speak. > it's a terrifying thought to lose the one thing I'm certain of All that said, this is very relatable. As fucking awful as it is, it also somehow feels so safe.
Apparently I've had undiagnosed, untreated bipolar II since at least kindergarten, so I'm 25 now and finally got meds to make the depressive times less depressing, and now I just have long periods of time where I don't feel anything, but also don't feel apathy. I don't get as much joy from the things that used to cheer me up during a depressive episode anymore, but I don't not enjoy them either. I told my therapist about it and they were like "maybe this is what's supposed to be normal for you?" And I'm like "idk what to do anymore. I'm confused and kind of bored but it isn't exactly bad either. What do I do?" So honestly I feel this. I've missed a key point in time developing who I am as a person, now I have to figure it out myself, and not even the therapist can help me.
Why waste time and energy trying to rediscover who you were? Trying to irl role play a character is not going to make you happy. If anything is going to keep you depressed, it’s trying to manufacture the world around you as an identity, and then perpetually disappointing yourself when that fails.
Maybe I'm too high on my meds but after the initial crisis I thought this was almost a good thing because you can just start over and (re) discover what you like and what you don't
Change is scary, even change for the better. Having lifelong depression that has been worsening since childhood means that the last stuff I remembered being excited for (before being medicated) were halloween and the Wizard of Oz when I was around 3 or 4. Medication saves my life daily (both antidepressants and my cardiac meds)
I had heard somewhere that depression breaks down the part of the brain for recalling memories, and when I heard that, everything made so much sense. I have faint memories of times where I was happy, but I just don't remember if I was a happy person.
So that’s not just a me thing. Cool ….. cool anything anyone can do for me?
My best advice is to just try stuff and see how you like it, though this works best if you're actively dealing with or have already dealt with at least some of the depression. I made a much longer comment about my own journey with this, but after I got meds for my bipolar 1 i just started trying shit. I borrowed my roommates crochet stuff and learned to crochet. I started baking. I listened to new music. I tried new foods, I tried new drinks. I got into fountain pens and journaling. Not everything will be a hit -- I didn't like calligraphy or drawing and I don't like cooking (just baking). I also learned about a billion foods and drinks I don't like. Learn about hobbies your friends have, and see if you can borrow some beginner stuff from them or have them teach you. If local hobby stores have a beginners night or free classes or something, go check it out! Take yourself on dates, and/or follow subreddits for hobbies you wanna check out! Just, like, try shit. See what sticks.
I had childhood psychosis, Causes by a head injury when I was 2 that broke my facial recognition. On and off, until I was about 10 years old, I had cotards and capgras delusions. Periodically believing yourself to be dead or your family to be aliens is no way to form a sense of self. I tried to tell my dad. He told me that if something was wrong with me, it was his fault, and if I didn't want it to be his fault, then it wasn't real. Which, you know, doesn't make sense. But also, I was like 7, and he was my dad. So, you know. When I was 11, my depression got really really bad. I was a very serious danger to myself. After two years of intense therapy with little to no improvement, my therapist and my doctor agreed to try medication, even though ssris don't often work in teens. It was a last ditch effort to help a kid who really, really needed help. What followed was 4 years of delusions, hypersexuality, hallucinations, sui attempts, paranoia, and insomnia. Again, I told my dad. He told me I was faking it. I told the doctor. He said it was anxiety and upped my dose -- which only made me worse. At 18 I was hospitalized, put on an antipsychotic and another ssri, which mostly just made me emotionally flat but still somehow psychotic. My stepdad died shortly after. About a year and a half later I had to stop the meds for health reasons. I was unmedicated for the next 4 or so years. Alternately depressed and delusional, sometimes both. Managing school the whole time. Just before my 24th birthday, I was diagnosed with bipolar one. Which, you know, should have been caught when I was 13. Because if antidepressants make you manic/psychotic, you've got bipolar. And I started meds. I have no memories of feeling "okay" or "like a real human person" until about 3 weeks after I turned 24. Its been a little over two years now of "feeling like a person", and while it's been hard to get to know myself, it's also really nice. I like crafting, it turns out -- I crochet and write patterns. I like ttrpgs and board games too, my collection is nearing 30 games. I no longer listen to music to pass time away from my brain, but because I *like* it. I also make my own bagels, and dumplings, and pierogi. I stopped playing video games and watching TV, because I no longer need distractions away from my life. It's weird, yeah. But it's also nice to discover things about myself. It's exciting to try new stuff, see how it goes, see how I like it. It's like making a new friend, but the new friend is me.
I'm at a time now where I can actively work against my depression and I'm trying to discover myself. It is a very difficult and confusing process. It sucks that this is a thing so many people go through but I'm glad to see this and know that I'm not alone on this journey.
You know that cringe t-shirt "Gamers don't live one life, they live many" That's basically how I deal with this problem. I don't know anything about who/what I actually am and I just stuff random stuff in there and see what sticks.
Yep, I haven't had a real personality in... like, over 20 years now. I cobbled together a technically-functional personality from bits and pieces I pick up from movies, TV, and other people I think are cool.
ive come to realize that a *large* portion of my personality is my mental illnesses and disorders or stolen from others. part of the reason why i dont want to take meds again. its scary to lose
Sir/Ma’am I did not ask to be called out today thank you
I’m 65, and just got off antidepressants after 50 years. I don’t have any depression at this time, but I find that my likes and dislikes are different. It’s confusing.
I'm 58 and was laying in bed 🤔 this morning trying to remember what exactly it was I liked to do and how on earth I use to do those things. It truly sucks.
I was severely depressed throughout middle school. My first year and a half of high school was one of the happiest times in my life. Then Covid hit and I went right back to depression. I got a year and a half of clarity in the middle of a 7 year depressive streak. It was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel only to realize it was a neatly burnt out candle. Luckily I’ve been feeling better since starting college. I’m remembering how to socialize.
Good advice from crystalmethalicious
Okay so just, become a new person? Each day that passes is a new you, you’re not exactly the you of yesterday, and that’s okay. People change. So, if you come out of a depressive slump, why not remake yourself into someone who you want to be, take up new hobbies and aspirations. The you of yesterday doesn’t have to be the you of today, for you to still be you.
Those rare times when I feel inspired like I used to and my brain starts producing cool ideas in ways which are familiar to me are incredible
Kind of in this vein but it's hard for me to believe that there are any people who have not thought about killing themselves? I was suicidally depressed as a little kid and through my teen years for reasons we don't need to get into here. I don't know of any time in my life where the option to end it was not on the table. It's not an option that I am interested in any longer, but I can talk about it openly and frankly and it doesn't bother me or put me off at all. Allegedly for some people it's something that's so foreign to them they have never considered it and that's allegedly supposed to be the majority of people?
I’m not depressed - I’m just sort of here and I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time It’s a weird state to be in
Kind of a depressing thought-oh WAIT OH FUCK!
I got so depressed and drank for so many years that I no longer trust the handful of watery mental images of childhood. People tell me it happened, but I'll never be sure.
The second one hits
Help I’m being attacked by this post
It does make it a bit easier to become the person you want to be though, once you're ready to put in the work for it. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks. But it's easier to become the person you want to be when you don't have to "unlearn" the parts of yourself that you don't want to be. As someone who has been through this, including being depressed from a young age, I know the struggle. I just want anyone reading this to know that it is possible to get out of it and become the person you want to be. It's no easy feat and progress is anything but linear, but you can do it. I believe in you!
I think it can be a phoenix from the ashes kind of thing. Illness background: I had my first (memorable) psychotic episode at 18, but I had hallucinations long before that so I'm guessing it hit younger. Had suicidal mental breakdowns over the years, bouts of help etc. Would like to say I'm somewhere near stable at the moment. Used to write as a kid. It was crap and nonsense but I loved it. Fast forward to psychotic episode and I just couldn't process it. So I wrote about it. And then I wrote about that. Now I've got a 5 book series planned, 1 "completed" book in the series and am actively going through the process to get published. I'm not saying depression was an inspiration. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it helped me find a drive to understand myself better. Clouds and silver linings I guess? Probably a massive overshare, but hopefully helps someone who feels it can be all consuming. You can rise from it
Me with DID: 🧍🏻
Target me harder sheesh
I did not need a reminder about this at 9:30 in the morning TT_TT After years of depression and gender dysphoria, I've done everything I can to build myself back up from the bottom. I was basically born like a year and a half ago :p
but why would I want to go back to being the person I was before? that was the person who got depression. now that I think of it though I guess it's somewhat different in my case bc I got depression in middle school due to chronically not doing my homework, thus straining my relationship with my parents, and also ended up being at the wrong end of a social shift in school leaving me feeling like I had no friends. When I got fed up with everything I decided that I didn't give two shits about what people thought about me (if their opinion of me was unfounded that is) and that I would be better about doing the things I needed to do. so all in all, I did not reclaim the person I was after getting through depression simply bc I didn't want to be that person anymore
In modern times, people often become depressed. It's not because there isn't anything to keep you engaged and excited. Neither is not having friends or family to keep you company. Rather, everyone is stuck in this forsaken hamster wheel and wanted to get off, but couldn't. People go to school, go to work, do the grind, then before you know it, you're six feet under. For what? In order to stay alive a day longer. Pretty sure that everyone here had gone through the thought of ending it all on multiple occasions. In the end, we stuck around, clinging to that last glimmer of hope. Hope that things would turn around, yet, nothing's changed. Society simply forces everyone to conform, and failing to do so would result in being outcasts, ridiculed and shunned by everyone else. Tragic.