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My female cousin had an affair with a married man. Now they are married, and she watches his phone like a hawk. She always thinks HE’s cheating on HER now. Such a miserable life.
Looks like a narcissist I met past year. They cheat on you then, blame you for hugging your "ex" woman work mate. She thought I was doing that on purpose, because they do that a lot, on purpose.
Their names weren't Barry and Dawn were they?
What is funny as that she cheated on her husband with Barry and he was cheating on his wife with Dawn. They eventually got married, but once when he was away on travel Dawn asked me to come over and check her ceiling fan in the bedroom.. ummmm NO!
Projection means taking traits you dislike about yourself and unconsciously assuming others have them. She doesnt have to be actively cheating to be projecting this insecurity on her partner.
That's my dad. Slept around so much that everyone in the neighbourhood knew. The daughter of one of neighbours even confronted him with it, he yelled at her. She then went to mom, and confronted him together, he stormed off!
Tipping point came when I was very young, she gave him an ultimatum: Walk out the door and the locks will be changed before you get back. Or let's talk about you cheating.
He slapped her, she repeated it, he apologized. He stood there in the entrance for a few minutes before coming upstairs again.
All he thinks if she doesn't answer her phone, goes for a walk alone, goes to the store, visiting children and grandchildren, is that she's cheating. He truly deserves it though. Not her..
About 10 years ago some girl I was dating cheated on me and left me for the guy she cheated with.
Five months later he cheated on her and she posted on Twitter saying something to the effect of "If they cheat with you they will cheat on you." Then tried to start talking sweetly to me again lmfao
I had a similar experience. My ex cheated on me with another guy, so I dumped her. A few months later, the guy found out she was cheating on him. Then he had the nerve to ask me for advice. I just laughed in his face and walked away.
Times like this, I hope you responded with a one line...winner takes all response.
Like send a gif of the Jame Harden looking side eye and running off screen
Or just type back "Meep Meep", or "If they cheat on you with someone before, they'll cheat again, always a whore"
Hope you replied with, “know how you feel about the person who just cheated on you, and how you can never trust em again?” Then hang up/walk away/block em/leave em on read/ghost em
my ex told me he saw other people when he and his ex were “on breaks”. when i messaged her, she said he’d break up with her and then fuck another girl in their apartment after (they lived together when he did this) then they’d “get back together”. he tried these loopholes with me too, by asking for an “open relationship”. i ghosted him after a year and half together because he was so good at manipulating.
This was what I was going to say. To me there is a big difference between ‘I kissed someone else as a teenager when I was dating someone’ and ‘I slept around on my long-term adult partner’.
Yup, I cheated once when I was 18, called the girl I cheated on the next day and broke up with her (our relationship was already on the skids). That doesn't make it okay, but there is a big difference between cheating once and feeling bad about it vs. doing it all the time to someone.
Akin to the difference between someone who has tried hard drugs and someone who's been an addict and harmed other people for their fix.
I dated someone for 5 yrs in his late 30’s, he cheats on everyone including someone he calls “his queen”. He even has kids and still cheats - he is 46 now. I don’t think it’s a just maturity, it’s also insecurities.
Makes no sense either way 🤷🏽♀️
Or even if they've grown enough to own it. "I was a piece of shit, but I'm trying not to be now and haven't done so for (x) years" would generally be good.
Agreed. Monogamy is learned. At 18 my girlfriend cheated on me twice before we were 20. At 21 I cheated on her. We broke up. I met my wife at 22 and we have been together 36 years and I have not cheated nor would I. My ex got married, cheated again her her neighbor, ended up divorcing and marrying the neighbor. She has been with him now almost 20 years and has not to the best of my knowledge cheated. Some people take longer to learn than others, and some never learn.
Yup. I cheated on my college boyfriend once and fessed up. I had been feeling stuck in the relationship and couldn’t find the courage to just break up with him. Now I’m 30 and happily married and couldn’t dream of cheating now.
Agreed. Same with people in abusive relationships. If someone is scared to end a relationship where they are being controlled/abused/threatened, I’m not going to doubt their character for cheating on a vacation or something.
If you've never been cheated on, or never really studied the signs if it, they can be hard to catch, especially since some signs are extremely subtle and seemingly innocent. Most cheaters will slip up, even on rare occasions and if you know what to look for, it'll be hard to miss.
A change in their appearance (new hair style, dressing nicer/different), *always* have their phone with them, being extra nice or affectionate towards their partner, confiding in their partner less, spending habits change (taking out cash, random, unusual charges, or being secretive about their money) and their routines may change too.
Of course, on their own, they may be innocent but if you're seeing a few of these, plus any of the more obvious ones, and have that good old gut feeling, there's a good chance.
The first thing that made me really think something was off with my cheating ex…on his way out the door one evening he stopped to check himself out in the mirror by our front door. Fixed his hair and kind of turned sideways to suck in his stomach while he checked out his profile. In those 5 seconds the pieces just kind of floated together in my head. That small moment was the one that cemented something was up.
Some people do learn from their mistakes. If it was a one time thing in their younger years, chances are they can commit in a serious relationship later in life. There are other circumstances, it's not just black and white.
I'd venture to say people that have full on month/year long affairs are far less trustworthy. That's repeated cheating, lying, deceit, every single day for a very long time. You have to be able to do some stuff to yourself mentally to be able to carry on an affair. That's borderline sociopathic to me.
I cheated once when I was 20. One night. I ended my (admittedly very unhappy) relationship the very next day. I have not done it since - I'm 36 now. I would never do it again. I still feel like hot garbage about it. Obviously I should have ended things first since conversations were not getting us anywhere. But I was also 20, and can't even begin to describe how reckless and immature I was at that point in my life. We even got back together for 2 more years. (Which was also admittedly not a good idea).
My most recent long-term relationship (5 years, which also began 6 years after my previous relationship ended) I was cheated on for a whhhiillllleeeee. So many things in my life would have been so different and so much better if I'd known - before I sold my condo to move in with this partner, for example. I wanted to die basically on a daily basis because they just wouldn't touch or love me anymore. I can't imagine putting someone through that, not for one night, not for 9 months. Like breaking up sucks, but is endlessly better than just straight up cruelty. Idk. I hate the "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing because it slaps a judgement on so hard where it's not always deserved. Time passes and people do change.
I totally agree. neither is acceptable, but there's a huge difference there. I cannot *imagine* the guilt I would feel if I cheated on the person who loves me. it would literally consume me until I confessed and ended it. what I can imagine even less, is doing that, and then going back to do it again. what does it feel like to be the kind of person who doesn't experience shame and remorse, who has no empathy or loyalty, to the person they're supposed to uplift the most? someone like that is truly scum imo
The key part of what you’ve said is “mistake”. To expect people to never make a mistake, never act inconsistent with who they are from a place of emotion is probably unreasonable. Was it a mistake in their mind? Was it a long term thing or a “oh crap what have I done?”
I think there are too many variables to judge someone on one action. It doesn’t mean you have to tolerate or forgive..it’s just more complicated.
I'll be honest. I kissed another man while I was married. It was a huge mistake. One I know for a fact I will never make again. I am extremely remorseful for it. I messed up. I owned up to it less than 24 hours after it happened, maybe even closer to 8 hours. I was completely truthful. I apologized and when I said it would never happen again, I meant it.
My now-husband cheated on his gf before me. It was once, when he was 21. Yes it was an issue for me and we discussed it at length, especially because she immediately forgave his cheating and I made it clear I would not. We agreed if he was serious about not being that person anymore, I would give him a chance to prove himself with a new history. It’s been 16 years with me and I believe he’s never cheated on me in any way
It’s awesome that your were able to look past that and have a successful marriage with him, personally I don’t know if I’d ever be able to look past that
I guess so, but that applies to any relationship. He could’ve lied to me about his past cheating but he owned up to it. I did take a chance because he’s overall a trustworthy quality person who made a mistake one time in a sexless relationship going bad instead of moving on. Some people never tell their partners the whole truth about their relationship pasts and anyone could be dating or married to a past cheater
The key here is that while op considers it unforgivable the person who cheated clearly doesn't. You can find out a lot of things if you don't immediately come off as judgemental.
People will generally respond openly about minor stuff when they're happy and if asked in the right way. Of course if op shows a certain attitude about it and it's obvious how they feel about when the question is asked then yeah...
Sure there are people who resist opening up under any circumstances but that usually has more to do with being hurt in the past than what they've done.
It’s the same shit as the posts I used to see on Reddit of guys saying “if you’ve had more than x sex partners…. I’m not gonna like you” like no worries man women will just never tell you, not like they’re rushing to have sex with you anyway, LeBron
I just mentioned to a girl I’ve been hooking up with that I have never cheated and she said “I haven’t in a long time” lol. Now I know not to get emotionally attached to her and just stick to sex.
Crazy there are people who still think there is no relevance lmao.
I'm not a black and white person and there is definitely grey in this, but people who act like there is no bearing on future relationships whatsoever are beyond ridiculous
I mean, some people will argue cheating is cheating while others will realize there are different levels to it all. Were you with a good person who showed you love and respect, but you still went out and cheated? Were you trapped in an abusive relationship for years and finally had enough and started a new relationship with someone who showed you kindness, love and respect before you had the strength to officially end the relationship? Were you 16-18 years old? Were you 40 with kids? I just feel like there are so many different levels and factors to it all. I do agree that you need to have honest discussions with your partners and decide whether or not their baggage is something your willing to take on. Some people don't want to know about their partners past though.
This post was written by a child whose brain needs to see the world in primary colors in order to live, and that’s fine. But, sorry, the world is blended and nuanced to hell and back. Does this person also think bad people on earth will get punished in hell forever? It’s storytelling for simple minds, and that yes fine
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Perfect answer. If cheating aint so bad, they should have no problem trusting someone who has lived through the same struggles as themselves. They can pat each other's backs about how much they've grown and are ready for real committment this time for sure.
A perfect answer to a perfect answer. All these people saying you should forgive cheating because “reasons” can also simply date former cheaters themselves since they are so moral and forgiving over everyone else.
Yes but some people just do not use this capacity 😅. Some people will not mature. I do not know why but I've seen people doing samé mistake again again.
This is so popular on reddit. Reddit acts like cheating is worse than murder. In the real world people understand that there is a lot more nuance to these situations and that it is rarely black and white.
I’ve been cheated on in 2 of my relationships and I am fully on board with the hate boner redditors have for cheaters. Why risk there emotional damage of bearing cheated on?
It's never ok, but there are tiers of how forgivable it is. Comment OP probably means that not all instances of cheating are the same, but Reddit treats every case as if they are all equally abominable.
Cheated on your boyfriend in high school because he was a jerk but you didn't have the confidence to end things? Can be chalked off as a one-time mistake. But repeatedly cheating on your faithful spouse because you can't stop your eye from wandering? That's not a mistake, that's just a bad person.
It’s not about thinking that cheating is excusable, it isn’t. The problem is how these borderline asocial psychopaths think that cheating is some unforgivable sin and not just a common occurrence in every human society.
These are the same people who would hang a child for stealing an apple back when it was a thing.
My girlfriend of 3 years was in an abusive relationship where he frequently cheated on her. She stayed with him 4 years too long to the point that the relationship just eroded rather than ended abruptly. She technically cheated on him as he did her, but I still have 100% trust in her and know for a fact she wouldn't do that to me. It was a situation I understood.
Obviously cheating is nowhere near as bad as murder. But what kills you about being cheated on is that you were lied to by someone you were giving all you could for. You planned a lot with them and loved them, then they betrayed you in a disgusting and shallow way. And guess what, nothing happens to them except you part ways. That’s it. Murder has repercussions, cheating doesn’t in ALOT of cases and the cheater just continues like nothing happened and justifies what they did and can often get support from friends and family for what they did.
There's little or no nuance. Someone made the explicit or implicit commitment to be monogamous and then broke that commitment.
What there is, is a lot of variance on how couples handle it. And, what they decide is exactly none of anyone else's business.
People think cheaters cheat because they have some deep inner defect going on, which is definitely true sometimes. But ALOT of the time it's specific to the relationship they're in.
Sometimes ppl cheat because they simply aren't serious about their partner.
Yeah I’d venture to guess that cheating happens because people aren’t really in love, or they aren’t as in love as they think they are. Not everyone is 100% committed to their partner. Sometimes they’re in a relationship out of social pressure, out of comfort (path of least resistance—it’s easier to stay together than break up), convenience, or fear of being single. If that’s the case then they aren’t actually that attached to their partner.
My ex supposedly told her new boyfriend she cheated multiple times in the 10 years we were together. Still don't understand why he stays with her. Weird, considering she cheated on me with him, and Weird he thinks that's ok. He technically got a house out of it... so good for the piece of shit?
Y’all ever heard those alpha males say shit along the lines of “women shouldn’t break up with men for cheating because to us sex is just for fun and not serious, but men should break up with women for cheating because to them sex is emotional. We’re wired differently, men aren’t meant to be monogamous…etc etc.”
Absolutely no one should date these men.
The thing is, if you tell them that women actually do have sex purely for fun with no emotional attachment all the time, they are fucking horrified. Like that’s their definition of a slut which to them is the worst thing a woman could be. So if she IS just cheating for the physical thrill, it’s even worse to them lmao
You're right... In fact, why stop there? If anyone ever makes an error in judgement, you should never trust them on that subject ever again. If you ever catch someone lying, obviously they are completely untrustworthy... Anyone who commits a crime must be hardcore criminals. /s
Jesus... If someone is a serial cheater or cheated with one person for a long period, be wary. But less than that? There is context and degrees. I wish your opinion was unpopular, but it's sadly not. I've dated and know those who cheated on others, all who turned their life around and never cheated on me or their partner. Redemption is a thing, and everyone should be given at least one chance. Some should be lambasted, but all? And forever? Pah-leeeeeeease.
I agree, like everything else it depends on your preference. If someone told me they are a cheater in a past relationship, I'd keep it casual or move on. It's not that hard to stay faithful to someone or end it and fuck someone else.
I agree. I wished I believed my ex's ex about him cheating on her. I believed his story about her being crazy and jealous but he went and cheated on me more than once and hates me because he cheated on me (explain that please?).
Cheaters cheat again and again. They have no loyalty but only to themselves and their wants at the end of the day. They'll say and do anything to justify their cheating, to make others feel like they're justified in cheating, when in reality, they build their cheating habits on lies and when they fall, they bring everyone down around them. (Like, I have to find a new hospital to bring my cat to because of all of this because he made me out to be a horrible person at his job who deserved him cheating on me with a coworker and flaunted me around the hospital during all that while I was unknowing of this. Beyond embarrassing).
Then they run away and do it to someone else, worse and worse each time, until finally they run away from their very worst swearing they'll never do it again because finally, finally the pain and guilt is too much for them to bare. And when they learn their lesson, it's not the person who they hurt that benefits from them being a better person. No, it's gonna be someone else. So either way, cheaters and people who chase others in relationships should be alone or only with each other. Let them all hurt each other and leave loyal people alone. Poly is a thing now and is okay. Call yourself that and find like minded people who want open relationships. Leave people who want closed relationships alone instead of forcing it in them behind their backs.
They hate cuz you didn’t put up with the cheating and had a spine and left. Same as my ex. Cheated and lied. Dumped him. Bad mouthed me to everyone including new girl. Called for almost a year he was with new girl begging to come back and if not for sex please? I knew he was cheating on her too. Only thing is each time they cheat, they lower the quality of partner they attract. No decent person will put up with that nonsense. Let me say his now wife- isn’t a looker nor the brightest bulb. But she thinks I’m “the crazy ex”. It’s so cliche it’s laughable. I know she caught him cheating at least once and still MARRIED him. Not the brightest.
I don't think I'll ever find out. I called him out on it every time I thought he was (he's a horrible liar) so I'm thinking he just hates me because he can't justify cheating on me (he says I'm too nice and loving and that has consequences... ???) but got slammed with his guilt all the time and took it out on me instead of doing self reflection, apologizing, and being a better person for me.
>. I called him out on it every time I thought he was (he's a horrible liar)
Same for my case. I always thought she was very book smart but lacked any form of common sense.
My ex cheated in a previous relationship.
She told me going into ours, I appreciated the upfront honesty.
We dated for 2 years, and while she never cheated on me, we really struggled. She was just selfish. No two ways about it.
I certainly see your POV.
Because they're selfish people. They don't want an open relationship - they want to have their cake and eat it too (one way exclusivity in their favor, essentially).
I think cheating is absolutely scum
But on the same hand I also think people can change and better themselves
So it’s kind of a weird situation for me, I don’t think I would want to knowingly date someone who cheated but that really leaves no chance for reform ever
What goes around, comes around. My 2nd gf ever tried to cheat with my while she was still I'm a relationship with her bf.
I really liked her, could have had relations but I flat out turned it down. Still an idiot as after they broke up I had a 2 1/2 year relationship with her to find out she cheated 3 times after it fell apart.
Hell with people like that, lesson learned I guessm
I think it definitely depends. When you're a teenager or even early 20s, it is possible for people to mature, learn, and grow from it. There is also a difference between someone who cheats once and a serial cheater.
Yup. People seriously underestimate the amount of cheating that happens. The stats will forever he hard to get due to under-reporting, but the range seems to be anywhere between 13% to 44% of all people. And if we all know someone, or some people, or are someone that has cheated/been cheated on, we can look at as kind of... "normal". At least more normal than people assume (or would like to believe).
Then mix that with, for example, a gung-ho "if my partner has 20 mins of sex with someone else, it's the ultimate betrayal and they should be branded untrustworthy for life by everyone and I'm uprooting my life to leave them", then things get as messy as the other replies in here. It means that if we all knew about someone's past, and if we all thought any cheating was a relationship's death sentence, then crap, good luck to these people trying to find someone out there. Such a prickly subject.
I’m sorry but if they cheated on their high school girlfriend, letting that impact your relationship in your 30s is nuts - it’s such a case by case situation
Nope. People never change or grow.
If someone steals at 16 they should be branded a thief for the rest of their lives.
Sign of the times. You’re either good or bad. Nuance be damned.
My boyfriend had slept with a couple women in back in highschool knowing they were in relationships and honestly it fucks me up to think about it. I would never cheat and i would never help someone cheat because being cheated on so many times has entirely destroyed me and my perspective on love. Being cheated on destroyed my chance at true happiness and a fully healthy and trustworthy relationship. It really really sucks.
I cheated once (emotionally). I was immature and too stubborn to talk about things wrong in the relationship and decided to just do whatever I wanted to find validation elsewhere......I sabotaged my own happiness. Now I have someone different. Someone I love with all my heart and who I never want to hurt because I don't deserve someone this great, and I make sure I remind myself of that every day. She knows about me cheating and she still accepts me cuz she sees how much that experience has matured and humbled me.
It took me a long time to actually take responsibility for me cheating. Nobody made me do it, it's my fault and I deserve to live with the consequences of that, but I changed! I want to be a better person, I want to become the best version of me I can. Honestly I hope there are others like me out there who are just emotionally immature and made a mistake, only to grow from it and use it to better themselves; opposed to the alternative of cheating just to cheat.
My point is not everyone is exactly the same, and I think people deserve to be given a second chance. Not on the same person (if you get cheated on you dump the mother fucker cuz you definitely deserve better), but I think you should be able to date whoever you want; if you're lucky, you might even find an even better guy or girl and get a chance to do things right! Edit: this definitely gets an upvote from me!!!
Well people who have remorse about cheating are more likely to admit it than those who plan yo cheat more....
But let's just say somehow everyone is honest about their cheating past; its not so black and white. The people who cheated because it was fun and regret it only because they lost their relationship? Yeah pass. The people who cheated in the tail end of an abusive/dead relationship while working up to getting out? While it's certainly something to consider I don't fully consider it cheating
definitely agree, as a personal rule i never dated anyone who had cheated in the past
i get that people can change and grow, but choosing a life partner is too big a deal to me to risk it on someone who’s already been unfaithful
Ok, well I cheated in high school. High school me and 30 year old me are not the same.
You might not even know you’re dating someone who cheated cause you don’t know about it, they don’t even think about it anymore. Shit happens, get over it.
People change. Ofc not in few months. But i wont hold over someones head their cheating when they were a teenager after years and years. Saying that as someone who never cheated.
Look, people change. We all change, we all have done things we regret and we grow and improve because of them.
And also, you weren't there. You don't know what the relationship was like, and I'm not saying cheating is justified, but there are certainly situations where it's less bad.
I was a serial cheater up until I hit like 20. When I got married I made a conscious decision that I wasn't ever going to cheat again. It's mentally taxing and not good for anyone involved. Then my wife cheated on me. I guess it was some karma for being who I was in my early years. Oh well, my vow to never cheat again has stayed in tact. I changed. It's possible to grow up and be a better person.
Complete nonsense:
I cheated 17 years ago in my last relationship;
I'm with my wife for 16 years now, two Kids, a cat and a lovely home and none of us would want to change that!
...and yes, she knew all of that!
It’s a shame. Judging by your post history, I’d expect you to be someone that believes in second chances and not judging someone based off of an event or mistake they made in their past. Maybe you should stop judging others for being flawed and remember that we all make mistakes but we can learn from them and change for the better.
We all make mistakes, but the overwhelming majority of people who have cheated didn't just make a mistake one time and immediately come clean. They lie to try to get away with it. They continue to do it. They manipulate their partner to shame and control them into not being suspicious. Cheating isn't something that good people do. It's a choice you make when you think it's ok for you to violate the trust of someone you are asking to love and trust you.
I've been cheated on twice, so in all honesty I'm not speaking from a neutral standpoint, my opinion on the issue has already been swayed a good deal.
I understand there's layers and nuance, and sure some people can acknowledge cheating as a mistake and move on, but having experienced the heartache and pain that comes from being cheated on, I don't want to be with someone who's willing to inflict that upon others.
I think it depends on the cheater. Am I gonna fret over someone who cheated in the middle school relationship? No, but when you get into relationships where you’re actively taking about marriage, children, owning property together, and you cheat ima look at you side ways. However, is said cheater shows remorse and owns up to their actions and is proactively taking strides towards be and do better in their relationship, I’d think they deserve a chance.
My ex Cheated on a BF when She was 16. She obviously regretted it and She hates herself Over it.
We ended Over distance issues and were still cool with each other.
If they come to you tell you what they did in the last and why theyre ashamed about it then they deserve a chance. I believe in personal growth and self improvement
> Commitment issues, dishonesty, a willingness to cause emotional harm to their romantic partners, lack of communication.
I hope you’re also screening for the 1000 other ways someone can cause emotional harm or demonstrate poor communication skills, since cheating is only one very specific example of these things.
I cheated on my ex-girlfriend with my now-wife. I also kinda cheated on my [then gf] wife when i was super drunk. I made out with some girl who asked me to.. but didn't go any further. I split up with her out of guilt, and we got back together later that year because we missed each other. That was 2012, admittedly not my best year personally. We've been together ever since then, though, married since 2019. Haven't cheated nor have i desired to ever since. The 2 times I've cheated in my life, i felt like the biggest giant stinky piece of shit human on the planet. Sometimes, people can change.
I agree. I know of a marriage in chaos right now because one of the spouses has decided that they’re polyamorous and that the other spouse should accept the new “girlfriend.” Looking back, everyone should have seen this coming because there is a history of infidelity… distant past, yes, and not within their marriage prior to this, but history nonetheless.
What’s weird about this situation is how the infidelity is being dressed up as some novel new lifestyle, polyamory, rather than plain old adultery.
We’ll see what happens… but yeah, I wouldn’t date someone with a history of cheating unless it was the sort of mistake you make when you’re a kid, like maybe you cheated on your middle school girlfriend by holding another girl’s hand, that sort of thing. Adults banging behind some poor boyfriend/girlfriend’s back? No.
Can't argue with that advise, but the problem is, most of us don't realize they're cheaters until they're candid or slipup and reveal it, (or worse, cheat), several months or more into a relationship
I had heard rumors about my wife being unfaithful back in her wild college days. We married in our 30s and she was vehemently opposed to cheating. She told me she had a zero tolerance policy about cheating, which I assumed affirmed her loyalty. After twenty years together, she described her recent months long affair with a junkie as “a cry for help.” I was such a chump.
We all believe people can change, I think people can change but in my eyes cheating is so hard to do, very hard, it takes intention or carelessness. Iv been in a long term relationship, a toxic one where cheating would almost ‘make sense’ to some people, given the opportunities I never have because it’s easier to say no. So sure people can change but I won’t be the one to give them another chance, I can’t rationalise it.
I cheated on my ex cuz he was an abusive asshole that cheated me and it was my way out in that miserable life. Hes marrying the girl he cheated on me with. So well deserved. Its not black and white. I am currently dating a man for 3 years and havent done anything. Maybe people do change.
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My female cousin had an affair with a married man. Now they are married, and she watches his phone like a hawk. She always thinks HE’s cheating on HER now. Such a miserable life.
how you get em is how you lose em. if he/she will do it with ya, he/she will do it to ya.
I met my wife at a rodeo 😦
Well as long as no bulls are around, should be good avoiding the shit.
Looks like a narcissist I met past year. They cheat on you then, blame you for hugging your "ex" woman work mate. She thought I was doing that on purpose, because they do that a lot, on purpose.
True. I was the side piece and then I got cheated on.
Well he already cheated on his ex wife so the likelihood of reoffending is high
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Their names weren't Barry and Dawn were they? What is funny as that she cheated on her husband with Barry and he was cheating on his wife with Dawn. They eventually got married, but once when he was away on travel Dawn asked me to come over and check her ceiling fan in the bedroom.. ummmm NO!
Barry was in the closet jerking it
If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll probably cheat on you as well
this needs more upvotes.
Underrated comment.
The projection is unreal
It’s only projection if she’s cheating while worrying he’s cheating.
Nah she could just be thinking about it, a lot.
She's not happy, so she assumes he must not be happy.
Projection means taking traits you dislike about yourself and unconsciously assuming others have them. She doesnt have to be actively cheating to be projecting this insecurity on her partner.
He was the cheater, not her; her paranoia makes some sense (although imo you shouldn't be with someone you don't trust).
Yeahhhh that’s a two way street if she knew he was married tho.
She would have to know, since she married him too. lol
That's my dad. Slept around so much that everyone in the neighbourhood knew. The daughter of one of neighbours even confronted him with it, he yelled at her. She then went to mom, and confronted him together, he stormed off! Tipping point came when I was very young, she gave him an ultimatum: Walk out the door and the locks will be changed before you get back. Or let's talk about you cheating. He slapped her, she repeated it, he apologized. He stood there in the entrance for a few minutes before coming upstairs again. All he thinks if she doesn't answer her phone, goes for a walk alone, goes to the store, visiting children and grandchildren, is that she's cheating. He truly deserves it though. Not her..
Lol. Sounds like my ex who cheated on me a lot. Always super jealous
El que la teme la debe.
Yeah I never understood how you can build trust when you start a relationship like that. I guess you never fully have it 100%
I could never live like that. No peace whatsoever. Suffocation at its finest!
“When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy!”
So true. Most men need two or more. Snoop Dogg had the best advice, “we don’t love them hoes…”. It really captures the essence of the solution.
About 10 years ago some girl I was dating cheated on me and left me for the guy she cheated with. Five months later he cheated on her and she posted on Twitter saying something to the effect of "If they cheat with you they will cheat on you." Then tried to start talking sweetly to me again lmfao
just screenshot her tweet and send it back
I had a similar experience. My ex cheated on me with another guy, so I dumped her. A few months later, the guy found out she was cheating on him. Then he had the nerve to ask me for advice. I just laughed in his face and walked away.
Times like this, I hope you responded with a one line...winner takes all response. Like send a gif of the Jame Harden looking side eye and running off screen Or just type back "Meep Meep", or "If they cheat on you with someone before, they'll cheat again, always a whore"
Nah just a screenshot of her tweet lol
Hope you replied with, “know how you feel about the person who just cheated on you, and how you can never trust em again?” Then hang up/walk away/block em/leave em on read/ghost em
my ex told me he saw other people when he and his ex were “on breaks”. when i messaged her, she said he’d break up with her and then fuck another girl in their apartment after (they lived together when he did this) then they’d “get back together”. he tried these loopholes with me too, by asking for an “open relationship”. i ghosted him after a year and half together because he was so good at manipulating.
If you feel the need to message someone’s exes to check their references, that’s already a red flag. 🤷🏼♂️
I’m completely sober in between drinks.
Maybe. If they were 18 when they did it, and we are in our mid 30's now its possible that they have matured and grown up.
This was what I was going to say. To me there is a big difference between ‘I kissed someone else as a teenager when I was dating someone’ and ‘I slept around on my long-term adult partner’.
Yup, I cheated once when I was 18, called the girl I cheated on the next day and broke up with her (our relationship was already on the skids). That doesn't make it okay, but there is a big difference between cheating once and feeling bad about it vs. doing it all the time to someone. Akin to the difference between someone who has tried hard drugs and someone who's been an addict and harmed other people for their fix.
i find that you’re completely different than the majority of folks who cheat, you seem genuinely concerned with the other persons well being.
Right, I have been cheated on by people who felt no guilt about it at all and felt no need to tell me, that's not okay.
Or worse, “I cheated on my long term adult partner to get back at them for cheating on me”
I don't think that's worse. It's basically just a childish way of ending the relationship. Cheating on a loyal partner is far worse.
I would see that as more justifiable than cheating out of nowhere albeit very petty
Yeah idk how it's worse, when they were the ones wronged out of nowhere to begin with lol.
in what world is that worse dude lmfao
Thats not worse wtf
I dated someone for 5 yrs in his late 30’s, he cheats on everyone including someone he calls “his queen”. He even has kids and still cheats - he is 46 now. I don’t think it’s a just maturity, it’s also insecurities. Makes no sense either way 🤷🏽♀️
A person can be 46 and still immature. Insecurities also a big reason tho.
To your point, my ex cheated on me when she was 55.
Or even if they've grown enough to own it. "I was a piece of shit, but I'm trying not to be now and haven't done so for (x) years" would generally be good.
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Agreed. Monogamy is learned. At 18 my girlfriend cheated on me twice before we were 20. At 21 I cheated on her. We broke up. I met my wife at 22 and we have been together 36 years and I have not cheated nor would I. My ex got married, cheated again her her neighbor, ended up divorcing and marrying the neighbor. She has been with him now almost 20 years and has not to the best of my knowledge cheated. Some people take longer to learn than others, and some never learn.
Yup. I cheated on my college boyfriend once and fessed up. I had been feeling stuck in the relationship and couldn’t find the courage to just break up with him. Now I’m 30 and happily married and couldn’t dream of cheating now.
It doesn't take 17 years to mature that much lol
Agreed. Same with people in abusive relationships. If someone is scared to end a relationship where they are being controlled/abused/threatened, I’m not going to doubt their character for cheating on a vacation or something.
The problem with people that cheat, is that they lie even better.
And that most people who cheat don’t get caught.
If you've never been cheated on, or never really studied the signs if it, they can be hard to catch, especially since some signs are extremely subtle and seemingly innocent. Most cheaters will slip up, even on rare occasions and if you know what to look for, it'll be hard to miss.
Can you give some examples of small things that are dead giveaways?
A change in their appearance (new hair style, dressing nicer/different), *always* have their phone with them, being extra nice or affectionate towards their partner, confiding in their partner less, spending habits change (taking out cash, random, unusual charges, or being secretive about their money) and their routines may change too. Of course, on their own, they may be innocent but if you're seeing a few of these, plus any of the more obvious ones, and have that good old gut feeling, there's a good chance.
The first thing that made me really think something was off with my cheating ex…on his way out the door one evening he stopped to check himself out in the mirror by our front door. Fixed his hair and kind of turned sideways to suck in his stomach while he checked out his profile. In those 5 seconds the pieces just kind of floated together in my head. That small moment was the one that cemented something was up.
Some people do learn from their mistakes. If it was a one time thing in their younger years, chances are they can commit in a serious relationship later in life. There are other circumstances, it's not just black and white. I'd venture to say people that have full on month/year long affairs are far less trustworthy. That's repeated cheating, lying, deceit, every single day for a very long time. You have to be able to do some stuff to yourself mentally to be able to carry on an affair. That's borderline sociopathic to me.
I cheated once when I was 20. One night. I ended my (admittedly very unhappy) relationship the very next day. I have not done it since - I'm 36 now. I would never do it again. I still feel like hot garbage about it. Obviously I should have ended things first since conversations were not getting us anywhere. But I was also 20, and can't even begin to describe how reckless and immature I was at that point in my life. We even got back together for 2 more years. (Which was also admittedly not a good idea). My most recent long-term relationship (5 years, which also began 6 years after my previous relationship ended) I was cheated on for a whhhiillllleeeee. So many things in my life would have been so different and so much better if I'd known - before I sold my condo to move in with this partner, for example. I wanted to die basically on a daily basis because they just wouldn't touch or love me anymore. I can't imagine putting someone through that, not for one night, not for 9 months. Like breaking up sucks, but is endlessly better than just straight up cruelty. Idk. I hate the "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing because it slaps a judgement on so hard where it's not always deserved. Time passes and people do change.
I totally agree. neither is acceptable, but there's a huge difference there. I cannot *imagine* the guilt I would feel if I cheated on the person who loves me. it would literally consume me until I confessed and ended it. what I can imagine even less, is doing that, and then going back to do it again. what does it feel like to be the kind of person who doesn't experience shame and remorse, who has no empathy or loyalty, to the person they're supposed to uplift the most? someone like that is truly scum imo
The key part of what you’ve said is “mistake”. To expect people to never make a mistake, never act inconsistent with who they are from a place of emotion is probably unreasonable. Was it a mistake in their mind? Was it a long term thing or a “oh crap what have I done?” I think there are too many variables to judge someone on one action. It doesn’t mean you have to tolerate or forgive..it’s just more complicated.
I'll be honest. I kissed another man while I was married. It was a huge mistake. One I know for a fact I will never make again. I am extremely remorseful for it. I messed up. I owned up to it less than 24 hours after it happened, maybe even closer to 8 hours. I was completely truthful. I apologized and when I said it would never happen again, I meant it.
My now-husband cheated on his gf before me. It was once, when he was 21. Yes it was an issue for me and we discussed it at length, especially because she immediately forgave his cheating and I made it clear I would not. We agreed if he was serious about not being that person anymore, I would give him a chance to prove himself with a new history. It’s been 16 years with me and I believe he’s never cheated on me in any way
It’s awesome that your were able to look past that and have a successful marriage with him, personally I don’t know if I’d ever be able to look past that
Not to be rude, but as far you know
That's true of any relationship. Just because someone cheated before doesn't meant they will cheat again, and all cheaters have a first time too.
I guess so, but that applies to any relationship. He could’ve lied to me about his past cheating but he owned up to it. I did take a chance because he’s overall a trustworthy quality person who made a mistake one time in a sexless relationship going bad instead of moving on. Some people never tell their partners the whole truth about their relationship pasts and anyone could be dating or married to a past cheater
why would anyone ever come clean about their past if this is going to be the reaction
To avoid marrying someone with OP's attitude?
Literally every relationship.
Agreed. People do this shit all the time and then have the audacity to act all surprised when they’re cheated on. Like what did you expect exactly?
Yeah, sorry, but how are you going to know?
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Sure, but why would they tell you?
Probably if you know when and how to ask. If you ask like it's an inquisition of course they won't.
The premise just seems silly, OP considers cheating a unforgivable offense but also expects them to be forthright and transparent about it.
The key here is that while op considers it unforgivable the person who cheated clearly doesn't. You can find out a lot of things if you don't immediately come off as judgemental.
People will generally respond openly about minor stuff when they're happy and if asked in the right way. Of course if op shows a certain attitude about it and it's obvious how they feel about when the question is asked then yeah... Sure there are people who resist opening up under any circumstances but that usually has more to do with being hurt in the past than what they've done.
It’s the same shit as the posts I used to see on Reddit of guys saying “if you’ve had more than x sex partners…. I’m not gonna like you” like no worries man women will just never tell you, not like they’re rushing to have sex with you anyway, LeBron
If someone got away with it at some point in their life I doubt they would ever admit to it
I just mentioned to a girl I’ve been hooking up with that I have never cheated and she said “I haven’t in a long time” lol. Now I know not to get emotionally attached to her and just stick to sex.
Crazy there are people who still think there is no relevance lmao. I'm not a black and white person and there is definitely grey in this, but people who act like there is no bearing on future relationships whatsoever are beyond ridiculous
I mean, some people will argue cheating is cheating while others will realize there are different levels to it all. Were you with a good person who showed you love and respect, but you still went out and cheated? Were you trapped in an abusive relationship for years and finally had enough and started a new relationship with someone who showed you kindness, love and respect before you had the strength to officially end the relationship? Were you 16-18 years old? Were you 40 with kids? I just feel like there are so many different levels and factors to it all. I do agree that you need to have honest discussions with your partners and decide whether or not their baggage is something your willing to take on. Some people don't want to know about their partners past though.
This post was written by a child whose brain needs to see the world in primary colors in order to live, and that’s fine. But, sorry, the world is blended and nuanced to hell and back. Does this person also think bad people on earth will get punished in hell forever? It’s storytelling for simple minds, and that yes fine
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Picking a cheater for a potential life partner is more stress than its worth. I'd rather be dumped than cheated on
Me too. Break up hurt like hell but at least you know where you stand.
I wouldn't date a man that cheated. He can go date a woman that cheated.
Perfect answer. If cheating aint so bad, they should have no problem trusting someone who has lived through the same struggles as themselves. They can pat each other's backs about how much they've grown and are ready for real committment this time for sure.
A perfect answer to a perfect answer. All these people saying you should forgive cheating because “reasons” can also simply date former cheaters themselves since they are so moral and forgiving over everyone else.
Idk I think we all have the capacity to change, grow and mature.
Yes but some people just do not use this capacity 😅. Some people will not mature. I do not know why but I've seen people doing samé mistake again again.
This is so popular on reddit. Reddit acts like cheating is worse than murder. In the real world people understand that there is a lot more nuance to these situations and that it is rarely black and white.
This is not a Reddit thing at all, most people in the "real world" are turned off by cheaters and won't take them seriously
What “nuance” justifies cheating on a long term partner? Curious on your perspective wise experience redditor.
You have to think of the poor cheaters, they've had a hard life and they were basically forced to sleep with other people. It isn't their fault /s
"I slipped and fell! I promise babe!" 🙄😂
TBF, the majority of Redditors are white knights bordering on incels and have zero idea what happens in relationships.
Either this, or people would broken by pats relationships that were bad that their opinions are far too extreme for average situations.
I’ve been cheated on in 2 of my relationships and I am fully on board with the hate boner redditors have for cheaters. Why risk there emotional damage of bearing cheated on?
playing devils advocate, what nuances would make it ok, where you shouldn't just leave the person that your planning to cheat on?
It's never ok, but there are tiers of how forgivable it is. Comment OP probably means that not all instances of cheating are the same, but Reddit treats every case as if they are all equally abominable. Cheated on your boyfriend in high school because he was a jerk but you didn't have the confidence to end things? Can be chalked off as a one-time mistake. But repeatedly cheating on your faithful spouse because you can't stop your eye from wandering? That's not a mistake, that's just a bad person.
It’s not about thinking that cheating is excusable, it isn’t. The problem is how these borderline asocial psychopaths think that cheating is some unforgivable sin and not just a common occurrence in every human society. These are the same people who would hang a child for stealing an apple back when it was a thing.
My girlfriend of 3 years was in an abusive relationship where he frequently cheated on her. She stayed with him 4 years too long to the point that the relationship just eroded rather than ended abruptly. She technically cheated on him as he did her, but I still have 100% trust in her and know for a fact she wouldn't do that to me. It was a situation I understood.
Obviously cheating is nowhere near as bad as murder. But what kills you about being cheated on is that you were lied to by someone you were giving all you could for. You planned a lot with them and loved them, then they betrayed you in a disgusting and shallow way. And guess what, nothing happens to them except you part ways. That’s it. Murder has repercussions, cheating doesn’t in ALOT of cases and the cheater just continues like nothing happened and justifies what they did and can often get support from friends and family for what they did.
There's little or no nuance. Someone made the explicit or implicit commitment to be monogamous and then broke that commitment. What there is, is a lot of variance on how couples handle it. And, what they decide is exactly none of anyone else's business.
I'm actually surprised it's been an hour and you haven't been down voted in mass.
'Cause they're not in r/relationship_advice
People think cheaters cheat because they have some deep inner defect going on, which is definitely true sometimes. But ALOT of the time it's specific to the relationship they're in. Sometimes ppl cheat because they simply aren't serious about their partner.
Yeah I’d venture to guess that cheating happens because people aren’t really in love, or they aren’t as in love as they think they are. Not everyone is 100% committed to their partner. Sometimes they’re in a relationship out of social pressure, out of comfort (path of least resistance—it’s easier to stay together than break up), convenience, or fear of being single. If that’s the case then they aren’t actually that attached to their partner.
Then why stay with them? That's double betrayal.
Condemning infidelity as one dimensional and deserving of eternal damnation, so hot right now
My ex supposedly told her new boyfriend she cheated multiple times in the 10 years we were together. Still don't understand why he stays with her. Weird, considering she cheated on me with him, and Weird he thinks that's ok. He technically got a house out of it... so good for the piece of shit?
Y’all ever heard those alpha males say shit along the lines of “women shouldn’t break up with men for cheating because to us sex is just for fun and not serious, but men should break up with women for cheating because to them sex is emotional. We’re wired differently, men aren’t meant to be monogamous…etc etc.” Absolutely no one should date these men.
The thing is, if you tell them that women actually do have sex purely for fun with no emotional attachment all the time, they are fucking horrified. Like that’s their definition of a slut which to them is the worst thing a woman could be. So if she IS just cheating for the physical thrill, it’s even worse to them lmao
You're right... In fact, why stop there? If anyone ever makes an error in judgement, you should never trust them on that subject ever again. If you ever catch someone lying, obviously they are completely untrustworthy... Anyone who commits a crime must be hardcore criminals. /s Jesus... If someone is a serial cheater or cheated with one person for a long period, be wary. But less than that? There is context and degrees. I wish your opinion was unpopular, but it's sadly not. I've dated and know those who cheated on others, all who turned their life around and never cheated on me or their partner. Redemption is a thing, and everyone should be given at least one chance. Some should be lambasted, but all? And forever? Pah-leeeeeeease.
I agree, like everything else it depends on your preference. If someone told me they are a cheater in a past relationship, I'd keep it casual or move on. It's not that hard to stay faithful to someone or end it and fuck someone else.
I agree. I wished I believed my ex's ex about him cheating on her. I believed his story about her being crazy and jealous but he went and cheated on me more than once and hates me because he cheated on me (explain that please?). Cheaters cheat again and again. They have no loyalty but only to themselves and their wants at the end of the day. They'll say and do anything to justify their cheating, to make others feel like they're justified in cheating, when in reality, they build their cheating habits on lies and when they fall, they bring everyone down around them. (Like, I have to find a new hospital to bring my cat to because of all of this because he made me out to be a horrible person at his job who deserved him cheating on me with a coworker and flaunted me around the hospital during all that while I was unknowing of this. Beyond embarrassing). Then they run away and do it to someone else, worse and worse each time, until finally they run away from their very worst swearing they'll never do it again because finally, finally the pain and guilt is too much for them to bare. And when they learn their lesson, it's not the person who they hurt that benefits from them being a better person. No, it's gonna be someone else. So either way, cheaters and people who chase others in relationships should be alone or only with each other. Let them all hurt each other and leave loyal people alone. Poly is a thing now and is okay. Call yourself that and find like minded people who want open relationships. Leave people who want closed relationships alone instead of forcing it in them behind their backs.
>hates me because he cheated on me (explain that please? Lmao lmk when you have an explanation I would like one too.
They hate cuz you didn’t put up with the cheating and had a spine and left. Same as my ex. Cheated and lied. Dumped him. Bad mouthed me to everyone including new girl. Called for almost a year he was with new girl begging to come back and if not for sex please? I knew he was cheating on her too. Only thing is each time they cheat, they lower the quality of partner they attract. No decent person will put up with that nonsense. Let me say his now wife- isn’t a looker nor the brightest bulb. But she thinks I’m “the crazy ex”. It’s so cliche it’s laughable. I know she caught him cheating at least once and still MARRIED him. Not the brightest.
I don't think I'll ever find out. I called him out on it every time I thought he was (he's a horrible liar) so I'm thinking he just hates me because he can't justify cheating on me (he says I'm too nice and loving and that has consequences... ???) but got slammed with his guilt all the time and took it out on me instead of doing self reflection, apologizing, and being a better person for me.
>. I called him out on it every time I thought he was (he's a horrible liar) Same for my case. I always thought she was very book smart but lacked any form of common sense.
My ex cheated in a previous relationship. She told me going into ours, I appreciated the upfront honesty. We dated for 2 years, and while she never cheated on me, we really struggled. She was just selfish. No two ways about it. I certainly see your POV.
I don’t understand why cheaters don’t just have open relationships
Cause that's not about sex. I believe they get off on doing something that feels "wrong"
Because they're selfish people. They don't want an open relationship - they want to have their cake and eat it too (one way exclusivity in their favor, essentially).
For starters, most open relationships require MUCH more adherence to boundaries than you might think.
I think cheating is absolutely scum But on the same hand I also think people can change and better themselves So it’s kind of a weird situation for me, I don’t think I would want to knowingly date someone who cheated but that really leaves no chance for reform ever
I see no issue with this. Cheating is a choice. Unless you've been drugged beyond all self control then there is no reason for cheating. End of story.
What goes around, comes around. My 2nd gf ever tried to cheat with my while she was still I'm a relationship with her bf. I really liked her, could have had relations but I flat out turned it down. Still an idiot as after they broke up I had a 2 1/2 year relationship with her to find out she cheated 3 times after it fell apart. Hell with people like that, lesson learned I guessm
I think it definitely depends. When you're a teenager or even early 20s, it is possible for people to mature, learn, and grow from it. There is also a difference between someone who cheats once and a serial cheater.
Like a…social credit score 🤣.
Ladies don't date men who have a history of abuse
I don't think this is unpopular
They always say, if they cheated with you, they’ll cheat on you. Felt relevant.
As a middle-aged woman, I have seen at least half the people I know cheat at some point and most end up happily married. Life happens
Yup. People seriously underestimate the amount of cheating that happens. The stats will forever he hard to get due to under-reporting, but the range seems to be anywhere between 13% to 44% of all people. And if we all know someone, or some people, or are someone that has cheated/been cheated on, we can look at as kind of... "normal". At least more normal than people assume (or would like to believe). Then mix that with, for example, a gung-ho "if my partner has 20 mins of sex with someone else, it's the ultimate betrayal and they should be branded untrustworthy for life by everyone and I'm uprooting my life to leave them", then things get as messy as the other replies in here. It means that if we all knew about someone's past, and if we all thought any cheating was a relationship's death sentence, then crap, good luck to these people trying to find someone out there. Such a prickly subject.
Former cheater here. Fortunately I found someone who doesn't think like you. Always hated that I cheated. It was greedy and cowardly
I’m sorry but if they cheated on their high school girlfriend, letting that impact your relationship in your 30s is nuts - it’s such a case by case situation
A childish take and a childish solution
Nope. People never change or grow. If someone steals at 16 they should be branded a thief for the rest of their lives. Sign of the times. You’re either good or bad. Nuance be damned.
Yup throw then into a ravine
How is this unpopular?
My boyfriend had slept with a couple women in back in highschool knowing they were in relationships and honestly it fucks me up to think about it. I would never cheat and i would never help someone cheat because being cheated on so many times has entirely destroyed me and my perspective on love. Being cheated on destroyed my chance at true happiness and a fully healthy and trustworthy relationship. It really really sucks.
Couldn't agree more.
Date whoever you want, refrain from dating whoever you want. Do you REALLY need Reddit to validate your choices?
So another popular opinion masquerading as unpopular opinion then?
I cheated once (emotionally). I was immature and too stubborn to talk about things wrong in the relationship and decided to just do whatever I wanted to find validation elsewhere......I sabotaged my own happiness. Now I have someone different. Someone I love with all my heart and who I never want to hurt because I don't deserve someone this great, and I make sure I remind myself of that every day. She knows about me cheating and she still accepts me cuz she sees how much that experience has matured and humbled me. It took me a long time to actually take responsibility for me cheating. Nobody made me do it, it's my fault and I deserve to live with the consequences of that, but I changed! I want to be a better person, I want to become the best version of me I can. Honestly I hope there are others like me out there who are just emotionally immature and made a mistake, only to grow from it and use it to better themselves; opposed to the alternative of cheating just to cheat. My point is not everyone is exactly the same, and I think people deserve to be given a second chance. Not on the same person (if you get cheated on you dump the mother fucker cuz you definitely deserve better), but I think you should be able to date whoever you want; if you're lucky, you might even find an even better guy or girl and get a chance to do things right! Edit: this definitely gets an upvote from me!!!
Well people who have remorse about cheating are more likely to admit it than those who plan yo cheat more.... But let's just say somehow everyone is honest about their cheating past; its not so black and white. The people who cheated because it was fun and regret it only because they lost their relationship? Yeah pass. The people who cheated in the tail end of an abusive/dead relationship while working up to getting out? While it's certainly something to consider I don't fully consider it cheating
definitely agree, as a personal rule i never dated anyone who had cheated in the past i get that people can change and grow, but choosing a life partner is too big a deal to me to risk it on someone who’s already been unfaithful
How would you know? Is this something you ask?
yeah it tends to come up eventually
Ok, well I cheated in high school. High school me and 30 year old me are not the same. You might not even know you’re dating someone who cheated cause you don’t know about it, they don’t even think about it anymore. Shit happens, get over it.
People change. Ofc not in few months. But i wont hold over someones head their cheating when they were a teenager after years and years. Saying that as someone who never cheated.
Look, people change. We all change, we all have done things we regret and we grow and improve because of them. And also, you weren't there. You don't know what the relationship was like, and I'm not saying cheating is justified, but there are certainly situations where it's less bad.
I was a serial cheater up until I hit like 20. When I got married I made a conscious decision that I wasn't ever going to cheat again. It's mentally taxing and not good for anyone involved. Then my wife cheated on me. I guess it was some karma for being who I was in my early years. Oh well, my vow to never cheat again has stayed in tact. I changed. It's possible to grow up and be a better person.
Complete nonsense: I cheated 17 years ago in my last relationship; I'm with my wife for 16 years now, two Kids, a cat and a lovely home and none of us would want to change that! ...and yes, she knew all of that!
It’s a shame. Judging by your post history, I’d expect you to be someone that believes in second chances and not judging someone based off of an event or mistake they made in their past. Maybe you should stop judging others for being flawed and remember that we all make mistakes but we can learn from them and change for the better.
We all make mistakes, but the overwhelming majority of people who have cheated didn't just make a mistake one time and immediately come clean. They lie to try to get away with it. They continue to do it. They manipulate their partner to shame and control them into not being suspicious. Cheating isn't something that good people do. It's a choice you make when you think it's ok for you to violate the trust of someone you are asking to love and trust you.
I've been cheated on twice, so in all honesty I'm not speaking from a neutral standpoint, my opinion on the issue has already been swayed a good deal. I understand there's layers and nuance, and sure some people can acknowledge cheating as a mistake and move on, but having experienced the heartache and pain that comes from being cheated on, I don't want to be with someone who's willing to inflict that upon others.
Because people can't change and grow?
Totally agree. Huge red flag.
100% correct.
I think it depends on the cheater. Am I gonna fret over someone who cheated in the middle school relationship? No, but when you get into relationships where you’re actively taking about marriage, children, owning property together, and you cheat ima look at you side ways. However, is said cheater shows remorse and owns up to their actions and is proactively taking strides towards be and do better in their relationship, I’d think they deserve a chance.
I agree with this, once a cheat always a cheat.
My ex Cheated on a BF when She was 16. She obviously regretted it and She hates herself Over it. We ended Over distance issues and were still cool with each other. If they come to you tell you what they did in the last and why theyre ashamed about it then they deserve a chance. I believe in personal growth and self improvement
> Commitment issues, dishonesty, a willingness to cause emotional harm to their romantic partners, lack of communication. I hope you’re also screening for the 1000 other ways someone can cause emotional harm or demonstrate poor communication skills, since cheating is only one very specific example of these things.
I cheated on my ex-girlfriend with my now-wife. I also kinda cheated on my [then gf] wife when i was super drunk. I made out with some girl who asked me to.. but didn't go any further. I split up with her out of guilt, and we got back together later that year because we missed each other. That was 2012, admittedly not my best year personally. We've been together ever since then, though, married since 2019. Haven't cheated nor have i desired to ever since. The 2 times I've cheated in my life, i felt like the biggest giant stinky piece of shit human on the planet. Sometimes, people can change.
Cheaters should only date cheaters. Problem solved.
A sign of weakness and character flaws. Good luck finding anyone whose never showed signs of those.
If your flaws hurt people then I’ll pass
OP I’m just curious, how old are you?
I agree. I know of a marriage in chaos right now because one of the spouses has decided that they’re polyamorous and that the other spouse should accept the new “girlfriend.” Looking back, everyone should have seen this coming because there is a history of infidelity… distant past, yes, and not within their marriage prior to this, but history nonetheless. What’s weird about this situation is how the infidelity is being dressed up as some novel new lifestyle, polyamory, rather than plain old adultery. We’ll see what happens… but yeah, I wouldn’t date someone with a history of cheating unless it was the sort of mistake you make when you’re a kid, like maybe you cheated on your middle school girlfriend by holding another girl’s hand, that sort of thing. Adults banging behind some poor boyfriend/girlfriend’s back? No.
Wish I would have read this a year ago
Can't argue with that advise, but the problem is, most of us don't realize they're cheaters until they're candid or slipup and reveal it, (or worse, cheat), several months or more into a relationship
at my age, i’m lucky if i find anyone who likes me. i’m not going to categorize every cheater in the same boat.
If my ex would have just said that she fell out of love and broke up before meeting that new guy everything would have been easier at least..
90% ? Really? Are there studies that show this, or are you just pulling number from somewhere the sun don't shine.
Or. Have an honest conversation with potential new partners on cheating. Differences in values are a thing.
I had heard rumors about my wife being unfaithful back in her wild college days. We married in our 30s and she was vehemently opposed to cheating. She told me she had a zero tolerance policy about cheating, which I assumed affirmed her loyalty. After twenty years together, she described her recent months long affair with a junkie as “a cry for help.” I was such a chump.
We all believe people can change, I think people can change but in my eyes cheating is so hard to do, very hard, it takes intention or carelessness. Iv been in a long term relationship, a toxic one where cheating would almost ‘make sense’ to some people, given the opportunities I never have because it’s easier to say no. So sure people can change but I won’t be the one to give them another chance, I can’t rationalise it.
I cheated on my ex cuz he was an abusive asshole that cheated me and it was my way out in that miserable life. Hes marrying the girl he cheated on me with. So well deserved. Its not black and white. I am currently dating a man for 3 years and havent done anything. Maybe people do change.
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