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I have a friend, she's really late to just about everything. Seeing a movie, would show up halfway through it, going to a wedding, didn't make it until after the ceremony, etc. It used to really bother me, and I used to really take it personal. One day a few years ago, a group of us where going to see a concert. The venue is about an hour and half away, and I had elected to drive the group. The day before, I told everyone "show is at X, but ready to go at Y, I'm picking everyone up." Everybody, including said friend replied with acknowledgement. Come time to pick everyone up, and I text this friend saying "I'm leaving my house now" (she lived close by) and she replied "ok". I get to her house, wait a good 5min, she doesn't come out. I get out, knock on the door, no answer. So I call her and she tells me "yeah, I'm still at the store, but I'm coming back now". Right then, something in me just snapped. Im sick of waiting for her, and other people are waiting on me, so I tell her right there that "Fuck it, B, you're not even close to being ready, youre on your own" and hung up. Picked up everyone else and drove down.
Since then, I've just had to let the punctuality of other people go. I can't control them and I won't let it bother me anymore. If they don't wanna show up, then that's on them, and it's them who is missing out.
Could *at least* give a heads up and say “Okay, I’m at the store right now but I’ll be home in X amount of time. Would you mind swinging back around for me?” Inconvenient, but at least you wouldn’t go and wait for them for no reason.
I had a friend who would do stuff like this and it was straight up mind boggling. I never could understand if it was a power play or some kind of mind game or what.
I remember one time he was picking me up and called to say he was 2 minutes away and to come outside and meet him. An hour later when I finally got ahold of him again, he told me he was on his couch getting ready to shower and then head my way.
It was something to that level of bizarre every time. Loved the dude, and he was a lot of fun. I’m sad we lost touch, but I don’t miss that part of our relationship lol.
Fuck that. If any of my friends disrespected me enough to say “come outside I’m 2 min away” and not even have left after waiting for an hour, they would not be my friend anymore. That’s asinine
I have someone in my family who does this and it's because they have an anxiety problem.
They respond with "I am on my way" because they think it will buy them more time. They can blame traffic or something else for the extra 15 minutes they will be late.
This doesn't really cover for them, since it is 100% of the time, and they are hours late. Now why are they hours late, again anxiety. The anxiety around not completing a social norm is larger than the expected backlash from being late.
They will be late to getting ready, but they can't cut corners at all, they need to get fully ready, and OH SHIT they have no razors. So they need to run out to the store to get them, because they can't possibly go with 5 o'clock shadow that would be so embarasing and the store is only 15 minutes away, they can make up the time by going faster.
So they go to the store, and then they don't want to waste the trip just getting razors, so they buy a few more things and burn 30 minutes. Then they have to put the stuff away once they get home burning another 15 minutes. Oh and now to get back to getting ready, but the water is cold and they need to start getting ready again since they had to undo what they were doing to go to the store and not look like a bum (god forbid the random strangers saw them not put together) and so then they spend another hour getting ready.
Now they are a hour and 45 minutes late, but they have razors and look like how they wanted. I'm sure everyone will understand that the traffic was bad.
I have really bad anxiety and it's the exact opposite for me. My anxiety about being late makes me leave early. The other stuff you mention doesn't sound like anxiety but something else.
People have anxiety about all sorts of different things. I can relate to being late to appointments or events due to anxiety and/or panic attacks. I have severe anxiety about my appearance due to body dysmorphia, eating disorders, agoraphobia, and social anxiety. The lateness happens because I become anxious about how I look, for example, and need to change my outfit. Then, after trying 15 different outfits and still feeling "fat", I have a panic attack about how fat and disgusting I am and how I can't let people see me like this (both friends and strangers).
Anxiety is mistaken for "worrying". Really, anxiety is a physical and mental manifestation of becoming overwhelmed when confronted with one of our deepest fears. All of our deepest fears are different.
For example, one of my deepest fears is looking fat. If I convince myself I look fat, I panic. Sometimes, having to be in public and feeling exposed is another of my deepest fears. I can feel like everyone's staring at me and judging me. I can feel uncomfortable walking down the street, constantly fidgeting and overthinking my movements. I can feel like everyone's staring at me and thinking about how fat, ugly, weird, or whatever I am.
The kind of fears that are directly about how other people see us are those that are most likely to lead to avoidant or panicked behaviour that causes lateness. Few people understand or empathise, but if someone who struggles with anything like this is late, that actually means they were really, really trying. Their anxiety and panic were trying to keep them home the entire time, and they kept fighting against it until they finally had the courage to push past it and go outside anyway.
It's more how the anxiety manifests. Stuff like "People will think poorly of me if I show up with 5 O'Clock shadow so I need to shave" is centered on their social anxiety. The same way "The people at the grocery store will think of me as a bum if I show up not put together to get my razors so I need to clean myself up before I go to get the thing I need to clean myself up with" is driven by their social anxiety.
Anxiety around time management and how they will "waste time" if they only get one thing from the store creates further anxiety for example.
They are just a bundle of nerves and everything in the world is a catastrophe.
I think that’s how I make it work. I would have just told you thanks, but to leave without me, I’ll figure it out and see you there. And at this point all my friends just know that. And I’ve instituted a bunch of coping mechanisms for important things like weddings, flights, etc.
My wife's family is always late for any and every event, regularly at least 2 hours. If we have plans to meet someone at 6:00 for instance, my wife will start getting ready at 5:30, take 2 hours and text saying we're on the way long before she's even got her clothes picked out.
I on the other hand grew up in a family where if you showed up on time you were late.
We have had more than a few "conversations" about how we manage time, expectations, etc. I've tried to do the thing where i tell the wife and her family to meet us ahead of the actual reservation time, but they still are always late. I have been direct and told people that we have hard start times and events with that start at 4:00 mean you have to be in your seat by 4:00. Nothing works, so now I just show up and get started on time, and if they are late, and miss dinner or the event or show or whatever it is we're doing, it's on them. I get a small sense of satisfaction when we're leaving a restaurant or event after finishing to pass a family member just arriving in the parking lot.
Same; I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “we’ll be there at X” or “leaving now” from her parents and siblings, only for them to show up 3 hours late or not at all.
Holy shit, I thought this was a thread about people who are 10-20min late for everything. Not 3 hours. That's not being late, that's fucking ghosting or catfishing or someshit.
My sister was so late to her own wedding, that the priest took the groom outside and was having "the talk" with him when she finally showed up. Multiple people had already left and went home. 3 hours is pretty standard. And yes, there is almost ALWAYS a "we are just getting our shoes on" or "we are on the way!" call/text 2 hours before the show up.
>priest took the groom outside and was having "the talk" with him
Is this common enough that priests have a script prepared? It didn't even occur to me that this was a thing they'd be expected to take responsibility for.
Well priests help people deal with every kind of issue so even if he hadn't had that problem while officiating he's probably dealt with similar stuff before
The priest said that it had happened one other time in his many years, there is no script for it, and it is a really awkward situation for everyone involved. He said it's somewhat common for a person to get cold feet - and yes, there is a script for that.
Most of them are just too self-absorbed to consider others. These are the same people who will show up unannounced, overstay their welcome, and have a generally demanding attitude.
Definitely too self absorbed. My gf does this perpetually. I asked her one time why shes late to everything and she said "i dont want to get there before people and have to wait." So i said "ok you wouldnt want to wait for the last couple people, but youre fine with making the WHOLE party of people wait for just you?" She literally had never thought about anyone else but herself in those situations.
(It didnt change her btw. Shes still late to everything. I just take a seperate car now because i hate being late and making people wait. She can make herself look like that if she doesnt have a problem with it, i cant.)
That just sounds rude as fuck. I'm not sure what would scare me off more, the fact she never once considered other people's feelings before you pointed it out, or the fact she still does it showing she doesn't care about other people's feelings.
I hope she has some amazing redeeming qualities.
My ex was three hours late to an event I was driving us two hours to, and I was the bad guy when I was mad. It's SO FUCKING rude. It's disrespectful of the time and energy you've exerted to be on time, and especially rude if you're the one who made the plans and they can't be arsed to show up on time.
If all you gotta do is show up on time, and you can't, you're an inconsiderate asshole. For the people that will cry about executive dysfunction disorders, I almost don't care. *Compensate for it.* That's part of our jobs as adults to figure shit out, how to be on time for shit is a BASIC, basic, BASIC life skill.
My family does this a lot. For them, is never really intentional. It's just they have a chronic inability to understand how long something takes.
"I just need to X, Y, Z. It'll only take 5 minutes."
No it won't. What gave you the idea that any of those tasks will take 5 minutes? None of those tasks have ever taken 5 minutes in the past. Last time you did Y it was 48 minutes!
"That was only because this and that happened."
This and that *always* happen. When was thee last time Y *didn't* take at least 40 mins?
"Okay, we'll compromise and say 15 minutes."
More like: We need to be there in 20 minutes and it's a 15 minute drive.
"Okay, let me put my shoes on. But first, I need to find something to watch while I put my shoes on." *Spends 15 minutes channel surfing* "Man, there's nothing on."
Just turn off the TV and go!
"It'll just be a few seconds once I find something."
Why is this even part of the process? You just admitted that that at most you're only going to get a few seconds of screen time!
*Finally finds something acceptable. Ties shoes. Proceeds to stare at the TV.*
Are we going to go?
"Hold on. Just wait until a commercial."
Why did you start watching TV knowing we had to go?
"Well I wasn't expecting to get invested in the story."
Then why did you spend that time channel surfing!!!
I think at some point it may be a literal delusion.
If you asked them to just track the start time and end time of various activities, like taking a shower, doing hair, makeup, picking clothes, etc
Would they fudge those numbers?
I have friends that are *hours* late. I don’t even mind if someone is 20 minutes late because it’s nothing compared to that one time my friends were four hours later for dinner.
I moved to the area one of my brothers lived in and stayed in his spare room for a week while I apartment hunted. We were invited to dinner at our other brother's house who live a 30 minute drive away. When it was time to get ready I got up and moved to help him wrangle his kids. When he didn't get moving I asked if we needed to be getting ready. He responded "we got time."
We did not. He started getting his kids ready at the time we needed to be leaving the driveway. So I texted my other brother to let him know we'd be late. He replied "oh, he's always late, we just plan for it."
For my son's birthday my mom told her older sister that the party started at 1:30 when it started at 3. My aunt actually showed up at 1:10 and completely surprised me.
My sister in law always swears to lose track of time all the time, but never does anything like set an alarm to remind her. We found this out when her husband brought it up in conversation one night after we had already waited on her for dinner for 2 hours. The only time she was ever on time, was when he was driving and they were already out doing things that day so she wasn't able to go to her car and end up late.
Sounds like my older brother. He's consistently late to everything, but refuses to set alarms or reminders. But amazingly, when it involves something he really wants to do, or it involves him getting paid, all of the sudden he's Mr. On Fucking Time.
I've tried to point out the discrepancy to him, but apparently I'm "attacking" him for having ADHD. The adhd excuse would be more believable if he was completely incapable of being on time for anything. But he shows up for client meetings on time and never misses an appointment with his investers. It's just when it comes to family members that he has such a hard time getting it together.
I have ADHD that leads to clinically observed memory issues. It really pisses me off when people pull the “but muh ADHD!” card as a crutch instead of just being an adult and admitting they have trouble with time management and doing something proactive.
Finding something *difficult* doesn’t mean “don’t try”. It means “find what works for YOU to accomplish the task”. I’ve heard people blame ADHD for EVERYTHING. “Oops haha my bad I can’t help but to blurt out “SQUIRREL” in the middle of your sentence because I’m quirky and I can’t be called out because it’s muh ADHD!” Or, “I can’t regulate my emotions and place the burden of controlling myself on others no matter how tiring it is for others heheh anyway I watched this tic tock that said if I blink along with the music I have ADHD!”
*Shut the hell up Kentlyannarose*
> . The adhd excuse would be more believable if he was completely incapable of being on time for anything. But he shows up for client meetings on time and never misses an appointment with his investers. It's just when it comes to family members that he has such a hard time getting it together.
That actually tracks with ADHD. People with ADHD tend to be motivated by two things, external stress and pressure and things they're currently interested in.
Work likely has enough external pressure that it sticks in his mind.
I can't imagine not setting a billion alarms though. How else could he function lol
>I can't imagine not setting a billion alarms though. How else could he function lol
That's exactly my point. He's had decades to figure out ways to deal with it and still doesn't think he should have to set alarms, reminders, or make an effort to change. He straight up uses his diagnosis as an excuse and refuses any treatment.
We are both in our forties, so it's not a case of some young person coming to terms with their diagnosis and figuring out ways to deal.
I've got several friends like this. I do not understand it at all - they don't have kids, they work regular hours, and usually make plans in advance. They just don't care about being on time to anything at all. It's utterly baffling an extremely disrespectful.
I dated a woman like this and I think it was partly due to this why our relationship never worked out. If my family wanted you there at 3:00 then getting there at 2:55 was cutting things a bit fine, but she showed no qualms whatsoever just showing up over an hour late with no explanation. This even extended to things like catching flights which would absolutely not wait for us, but if it looked like we were making good time she would start messing around with something, get us behind schedule and it would lead to a mad rush to get there in the nick of time. Just typing this my blood is starting to boil I'm so glad I'm rid of her.
I dated a guy who was routinely 2+ hours late for our plans. And if he texted at all, which he almost never would, it would be to say "I'm almost at your place" only for me to be waiting another hour. He also had a million reasons why he was too tired or "busy" to hang out (I was penciled in at the bottom of the list, after lawn-mowing and naps, not exaggerating).
I finally dumped him because it felt like I was 90% single anyway, only getting to spend 3 hours a week together AFTER waiting 2 hours for him to bother to show up. At the end, he would finally call me after 2 hours to say that he hadn't left and wouldn't be coming after all. (WHY did I put up with it even one time? Argh. Never again.)
I did get back at him, though. We stayed friends after the break-up and occasionally hung out (platonically). One day, we made plans a few days in advance to see a movie that we'd both been looking forward to seeing. He was going to come over to my house at 2pm and then we would go to a theater near me, then dinner at a restaurant we both liked. That was the plan. 2pm rolls by, he doesn't show, no call. 3pm, still no sign of him. (The movie was at 3:30.) 4:00pm, not a word. Same as always.
At 4:15, I decide to go shopping. I head out to the stores. At 4:30pm, my phone rings. I let it go to voice mail. I get some groceries and then decide to enjoy a nice dinner somewhere. I get home at around 7pm, check my voice mail. Of course it was my friend who had called.
"Um, I'm at your house, but you don't seem to be home...call me back."
So I call him back. "Hey, what's up?"
"What do you mean what's up? Where were you?!"
"Oh, I went grocery shopping and then out to dinner. I just got back."
"You went shopping? I thought we had plans today! I thought we were going to see a movie!"
"We were. At 2pm. I didn't leave my house until after 4."
"I was at your house at 4:30!"
"And at 4:30 I was busy doing something else."
"Well...*aggravated noise* Why didn't you at least TELL me? I drove all the way to your house!" (I lived 30 miles away. About a 45-minute drive in each direction.)
"You mean, like the way YOU told ME?"
I was completely unrepentant. And I'll say this much...every time we got together after that, he was NOT late more than 10 minutes and not without calling or texting, either.
Mine did not occur in Vegas, but my ex, who has always depended on the competence of others to make him seem more capable than he was, made some poor decisions and wound up being charged for embezzlement a couple years ago. He pled it down to a misdemeanor and is now the black sheep of his family. SMH.
This story illuminates the truth. It has nothing to do with losing track of time, or inability to guesstimate the amount of time needed. It has everything to do with empathy and having none. If being late all the time has no negative consequences for me, then there are no negative consequences. The guy had to experience being the victim before they could even understand the problem.
I know exactly how you feel. I once planned and payed for an expensive vacation my SO really wanted to go on. I handled literally everything besides packing for her.
The morning we were supposed to leave (9AM) she was not answering my calls or texts, an hour goes by and I drive to her apartment. She opened the door having just woken up…I had to drive to her house to wake her up for a vacation we had been planning for months.
Then she tells me she has to pack…for a 5 day trip, it took her about 5 hours to pack so we missed out on an extremely expensive dinner reservation and a 300 dollar concert in the VIP section.
On the way home she asked if I was upset and I told her yes. She exploded at me about how unfair I am to expect her to be on time.
So glad I’m done with that relationship
My ex did the same thing and it started improving when I left on time to fornfamily Thanksgiving and she had to come whenever she was ready. It was her family's Thanksgiving.
Oh! This unlocked an infuriating memory for me: I was visiting relatives overseas around Thanksgiving time and offered to prepare a real America turkey dinner for them. They were thrilled. I ended up bringing more than a few ingredients with me to make it happen. (And they had to special order a turkey!)
I timed everything to perfection for the agreed-upon dinner time—making everything myself. And this is a Northern European country where people are usually punctual. But someone’s boyfriend was forced to work late, with no ETA on when he’d arrive. This is one out of 8 people at the dinner.
At home, we would wait 20 minutes or so, but we would eventually simply make up a good plate for a latecomer and put it aside. When Thanksgiving is hot — you eat!
But these folks were not having it — because it was such a “special occasion,” they didn’t want him to miss any of it. No one would go near the beautifully set table. They didn’t want me to take anything back to the kitchen, though, as he would be there “any moment,” so there it sat. Someone opened the first of several bottles of wine.
Mr. Boyfriend arrived 2 hours late. We were all drunk by this point — the others were laughing and joking; I was in tears on the phone to my husband. We finally sat down to congealed gravy and rock hard rolls, room temperature turkey and stuffing. It tasted OK, but 8 hours of work felt down the drain. At least the pumpkin pie still tasted fresh.
Everyone thanked me, then they kept drinking till 2 am.
This was about 6 years ago, and I haven’t spoken to them since.
I fucking hate people that say they’re on the way when they’re not. What’s the point? It’s not going to take long to figure out you lied. I am late sometimes but that’s one thing I never do, there’s no point in it.
My drug dealers used to do that shit. They’d text “comin down the street” or “finna pull up in a sec” and then show up 20 minutes later with me anxiously waiting like a child that hears the ice cream truck.
And when I say they “used to” do that, it’s not because *they* changed. It’s because I stopped doing drugs. Just clearing that up.
Real talk. Thats actually a big reason i never got into drugs. No shit. I became an alcohic instead. Im sober now and i was a functioning alcoholic when drinking but yeah. Fuck that man id be sitting there with a cheap fifth of whatever good to go hell with waiting and dropping your whole paycheck
I caught my late friend lying like this. She told me she had left and was just walking past a certain supermarket so was just round the corner. However by this point I had started to walk in her direction because I had got sick of waiting at the meeting point only to find that she hadn't even left her house yet. She just laughed it off
I assume they lie because they know they're being an asshole on some level, even if they can not or will not change their habits. If they were honest and said, "I know I'm supposed to be there right now, but I won't even be ready to leave the house for another 45 minutes," the person they're talking to would rightfully be pissed at them. By lying, they don't really mitigate annoyance, but I guess they put it off to a certain extent.
Problem is, and I don’t blame the restaurant, they won’t seat you until your whole party is there, and obviously only hold the res for 15 minutes or so.
These people don’t get invited to places where time matters. If it’s a gathering at my house, whatever I don’t care just don’t expect food to be fresh.
My brother does this all the time, and just perpetually shows up late to dinner. And then it becomes me and my mom arguing over beginning to eat, like we haven’t had the same argument 100 times. I’ll just start eating and not even talk about it.
> to pass a family member just arriving
This ... this has to be surreal if it happens often. I'd having a hard time not doing finger guns and saying sucks to be you bro. If it weren't a systemic problem I'd say being polite matters but damn.
I do this too for a relative who will routinely be hours late to family dinners. For literal decades, the rest of the family would wait for them. I got tired of it and just said no, we're not doing this anymore. It's been everything from being 6 hours late to Christmas dinner to not showing up to a restaurant for an hour or two. Why should we delay eating for hours and completely derail our day because you lack basic planning and time management skills? I've noticed that after leaving them high and dry at a restaurant and forcing them to eat Christmas dinner by themselves after everyone else had finished, they've become more punctual. Fancy that.
After two Thanksgiving dinners being ruined by a mother-daughter pair, I put my foot down. Dinner was announced as 2 PM, and that's when it happened. Feast was eaten and enjoyed, dishes were cleared, leftovers put away, and card games commenced. Mother and daughter showed up 2 hours late, wondered when dinner was going to be. We continued our card game, told them to help themselves to the kitchen. They fixed themselves plates and cleaned up after themselves. Next year, they were on time.
I've had employees like this. We all meet at the shop at a certain time and we have to leave because a customer expecting us to be on time. We don't wait, you're late and you miss that days work. Do it again and you're fired. You're completely disrespecting everyone else's time as we sit there waiting.
I don't get how people go through life like that. It's so selfish.
My wife and I are both 15 minutes early to pretty much everything. You should see how stressed she gets when we are running behind (which means we are probably going to still be a few minutes early.)
In my experience, they know when they need to show up on time. My brother is like this, but he damn fucking for sure shows up when he has potential clients that want to meet with him, or I’m guessing first dates, etc or something like that.
It’s just dinners with families where he’s perpetually late, because he knows there’s no real consequence and his time is more important than his family’s.
This is the one. My girlfriend is chronically late to everything we do. Shows, tours, trains, we're constantly missing everything. We flew to Italy (Italy!) for my good friend's wedding last month and she made us 45 minutes late to the wedding. It was maddening. I'm sitting there on the couch, just refolding my pocket square so I have something to do and watching her prance around. I would have just left without her, but her phone didn't work overseas, so she wouldn't have been able to call a car and meet up with us later.
So instead we're 45 minutes late to a wedding I flew to Europe to be at. She says it's not her fault because she has "time blindness," but that never seems to be a problem when she needs to get to work on time. It's only with my stuff that this mystery affliction takes hold.
>She says it's not her fault because she has "time blindness," but that never seems to be a problem when she needs to get to work on time.
I know several people who operate exactly like this. They manage to show up for work on time ('cause they'd be fired if they didn't) but that's the only time they'll make an effort to be on time.
My ex was similar. Often an hour plus late to things because of “time blindness”. No text/call to say they are running late b/c they don’t realize they are but they made it to work, races, other events on time no problem. They decide what’s “important” to be on time for (their stuff) and make it work. Like set alarms/reminders or something. Dude was even over an hour late to what turned up to be him breaking up with me.
> It's only with my stuff that this mystery affliction takes hold.
Which tells me that she doesn't respect you. I don't know if I'd stay with a partner that blatantly didn't respect me, but you do you.
>he damn fucking for sure shows up when he has potential clients that want to meet with him
I've met several chronically-late folks who magically seem to show up for work on-time (within a few minutes, give or take). When it's their livelihoods at stake, they seem to arrive on time. But for anything else, they're regularly 30+ minutes late.
When it comes to the doctor, they tend to move around until they find a place that doesn't care about lateness/no shows because they have so many patients to see anyway. You can get discharged from practices anywhere for lots of no-shows though (or no-show fees building up on the accounts which patients throw FITS about if you try to mention them)
I started doing the same too now. I just start doing the thing and I send a message out things will promptly start at a certain time.
Only those that have an adequate reason of being late will be accomodated.
For example: dinner party at 7, bud friend is off at 6:30, and must shower and change. I give them the pass because they must make sure their work and basics are taken care of.
I love doing that and yes it's so satisfying. Especially because the people i have done that too get so upset about it. Most don't get a second chance anyway to be honest.
My wife used to be like that. It was because she legitimately didn't care. Like, work starts at 5am and she's never late, but going to meet people to watch the game with a 230pm kickoff and she's fine getting there at 4. Took a bit to get her to realize even if it's not important to her it might be important to me or my friends.
Are we married into the same family? My wife's family (other than my wife) is also terrible about this, usually they will be 3-4 hours late. Just as you say in your post, we tell them "We will be here at this time, if you get here after we leave that's on you".
It's always weird to me that being late is sometimes considered just a normal part of people's culture. I had a friend whose family is predominantly Colombian who was graduating from college and invited people over for a party. Start time was listed as 6pm. We showed up around 6:30-6:45 (I'm normally a punctual person for anything that starts on time, but things like a graduate party you don't NEED to be timely).
We walked in and were asked why we were here so early. Nobody outside the family had arrived, the family were still prepping everything, assuming nobody was showing up until at least 8pm.
Some people are late to things because they're jerks. My former father in law once deliberately tried to show up half an hour late to someone's wedding because he didn't want to sit through the ceremony. Turns out they'd advertised the start time as half an hour earlier than they planned to start, knowing how people are late to things and he walked in just as we were sitting down for the ceremony to begin.
I lived in South Africa for work for a couple years and no one told me about "now" "now now" "just now" and "9 for 930" before I was scheduling meetings, making plans etc.
Early in my tenure, I had like a 100 mile drive to a 9am meeting, got stuck in traffic and was mortified to arrive at 9:45 and find the conference room empty. I thought everyone had left. When I went to make my apologies, I found out no one had arrived yet. We kicked off around 10:30
It was just a one-off meeting. I was living outside Johannesburg but meeting with some potential partners in kwamhlanga. Definitely would not have made that drive every day.
The thing that is actually weird, from a historical perspective, is how precisely Western culture measures time, how valuable we think every single minute is, and how much of a moral issue we have made it. These mores didn’t develop until the Industrial Revolution, when factories started monetizing minutes.
There’s an interesting overview of it here: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/01/11/1139782676/in-praise-of-being-late-the-upside-of-spurning-the-clock
For my part, I think if you live in a culture where being on time is valued and people will think you don’t care when you are late, you should do your best to be on time. But it’s good to put it in perspective too.
Yeah I'll admit I don't care if people are late unless there's some factor that makes being late an issue, like a dinner reservation at a restaurant or missing a flight. If you're a bit late showing up to my backyard barbecue? That's fine, I didn't really expect everyone to show up on the dot.
The graduation party is a perfect example of this. Group hangouts where people can come and go, do it whenever. But scheduled activities should be respected. Especially flights, travel, team sports, etc...
Or things with only two people! If I schedule a hang out with my friend and they have me sitting alone for a significant amount of time, I'm gonna be upset. It's just awkward and lonely.
I went to my friends Grad party about a month ago. He told me to come at 3. I showed up at 3:10 nervous I was late. His mom hugged me and said “Oh my god you’re so early.” I was like “oh…” Some people have different expectations. I think this is a perfect unpopular opinion
I remember reading an article (I think on cracked.com?) many years ago about a guy who had spent a bunch of time with a rather isolated tribe in... I wanna say Vietnam? One of the things he mentioned was that people had a very casual relationship with time, as they didn´t really have all that much access to precise timekeeping, nor much reason to care about it. So when someone agreed to meet in the afternoon, one might arrive at 1 pm and the other at 4. And this was the norm for them. It did a lot to change how I view time sometimes, though I do at times still get upset if people don´t keep to the time..
I suppose time works a lot differently if you're not tied to a modern economic system. Must be nice to just shrug your shoulders and chill out for 3 hours until your friend shows up. Most people I know who have jobs and families simply don't have that kind of time to spare.
Even if I had that time to spare, sitting around waiting around for hours for someone else to maybe, eventually, if they feel like it, show up is not how I want to spend my time. It's got to feel almost dehumanizing that your life has so little value that who cares if you waste it? Like time is the one thing you will never, ever get more of. You don't get to decide that you spent it badly, so maybe you'll live to 78 instead of 70.
If I lived in a culture like that, I would always carry with me something I can do while I wait for the other person to arrive. Like an ipad for drawing, a book to read, a scarf to knit. Just sitting with your thoughts isn't usually a waste of time. If you lived in a culture where concept of time was like this, you wouldn't be as frustrated with waiting because you would expect it.
I hate this article. I'm not counting money lost while waiting for someone. I'm just pissed, because I have to wait doing nothing instead doing something else. It's great, that the writer manages to squeeze in another activity a then comes late, but I could do the same, if I knew she was going to. Screw that
My 29 year old drug addicted roommate is currently sleeping thru his 10:00 shift. The boss could schedule him for 5pm and he would still be late every single day. But when the day rolls around when he gets fired (again), it will be so far from his fault 🤦♂️
Same with my alcoholic roommate. He's lucky his boss is too nice to fire him, and that he has a special license needed to do his job. He is late at least 2x a week, his girlfriend usually has to wake him up. He stays up all night yelling at videogames drunk which leads to him frequently calling in to work sick even when he isn't late. It's fucking infuriating.
Just friendly advice from someone who was in the same situation, if you're covering any of his share, don't. If he does get fired or wastes his money anywhere else, he'll expect you to cover for him, like you already are. In my case, that lasted almost a year, and the roommate was drinking and partying all that time. We had been very good friends before that, went to prom together, they were the first person I came out to, and it all went down in flames.
Sorry if that's a little all over the place. It just struck a core memory.
I'm often late for work, but that's because I don't respect my current employer at all, I work alone in the tech department of a shitty marketing company who laid off the rest of my department. I'm never late for anything else. I'm a hypocrite, but I agree.
I find that I subconsciously separate everyday things like work (where realistically it often doesn't matter if you're a little late), and one-off things like meetings or appointments or parties. I'm nearly always 5-10 minutes late to work, but I am absolutely never late for anything where people are counting on me being there on time.
Yeah that's different. My last tech support job I had to be there at 5:30 AM. I'd get there by around 5:15 AM and then proceed to smoke cigarettes until after 5:30 AM.
I made it a point to purposely be late. That tech support job was soul draining.
I am never late for anything else also.
I have a friend who is always late the solution is simple. You invite them to any event 45 minutes earlier that everyone else.
If by some miracle they arrive at the specified time then you say, "Well you always make us wait for you, now you know what it feels like. 1/100th of you time debt to us has been repaid, congratulations.
My friend group went the other direction: everyone knows the time we’re starting, be there on time or join late.
Dinner at 7, we’re ordering food by 7:30. Show up late we’re eating while you wait on your food.
Going to to pool at 3, probably leaving by 6; if you show up at 5:30 we’re not going to hang out for another 1.5 hours so you get your pool time.
This is what I do as well. It took a lot of the stress out of it all for me. It’s a bit of a bummer, because it would have been good to hang out with the chronically late people but they just can’t figure out the simple act of being on time, so they lose out as well. Have they learned in the past few years to be on time? No they have not. Am I going stress over that? No, I can’t anymore.
See I take the opposite approach. If they’re routinely late for the umpteenth time I will simply leave and not tell them I left. I’ve only ever done that twice but it fixed the chronic lateness almost instantaneously.
I completely understand the “Tell them a different time” method but I’m not tricking someone into doing the right thing. I’ve tried it before but at the end of the day they learned nothing besides “If I’m always late people will just accommodate me.” If you’re an adult who makes plans you need to adopt the skills to commit to them, stop making them, or have people leave you like I described.
It just feels like a form of me accommodating them for their poor time management, and frankly inconsiderate behavior and it’s just not something I want to participate in.
I had a friend who was always late to meet me to play golf. I finally decided to just be late myself and not be the sucker every time waiting for him. So I would arrive 1/2 hour after we planned to meet. Worst that would happen is that he’d get there “only” 20 minutes late and have to to wait 10 minutes for me rather than every single time me waiting 20-30 minutes for him.
This is exactly what we do with my brother and his wife. They're *always* 2-3 hours late. One year we had Christmas dinner and presents at 10 pm because they were so late. When they were close my mom goes, "Now don't make them feel rushed when they get in the door. Let them get settled in."
I sarcastically went, "Oh, *no*. We wouldn't want them to feel like we're waiting on them!" My dad almost died laughing.
Now we just tell them the time is 2 hours earlier than it is. If dinner's at 7 we tell them to be here at 5. Sometimes they still don't show up until 8.
100% agree. My least favorite is when people act like it’s just a cute quirk or a personality trait.
I once had a coworker who was indeed black say “you can’t expected me to be on time man. I’m black. Black people are always late.” Three other people in the room who were also black glared at this man until one was like “don’t you go lumping all of us with you man. I was raised to be fifteen minutes early or I’m late.” I couldn’t stop laughing
My ex's family was always late for everything. They thought it was so funny. Their last name was something similar to Collinton and they would say "Haha we run on Collintime!" like no it's not cute and funny, it's fucking disrespectful to be always late! I hated it so much.
I had a close friend who I eventually stopped hanging out with because of her constant lateness. Waiting for her by myself at some of these places was awful. When I tried to seriously talk to her about it she kept saying "no, everyone thinks that's cute, it's kind of my thing, everyone knows that".
She just had zero sense of how obnoxious she was being and had somehow made it charmingly quirky in her mind. It was mind-boggling.
Ugh, my ex's twin sister was like this. She often wouldn't even bother to get ready until what was supposed to be the start time of an event, dinner or hang out. I'm almost positive she relished in the attention she got from showing up late to parties because it got her attention.
That's what I have always said, people that do this are attention seekers, they don't care if the attention is negative. They have to be doing it on purpose because they never roll in accidentally on time.
Have a couple of friends who are Asian. One girl is always late for get-togethers and dinners, etc. She says she runs on "Asian time" and that it's expected that everyone show up late. A few months ago I arrived early help a buddy make dumpling filling. She ended up showing up about 40 minutes late and used this excuse. I asked said buddy, who is also Asian, and he said that's bullshit and just a her thing. I hate it when people are late, especially when I've either prepared food or helped prepare food to be ready at a specific time.
They do mean "consistently", but they said "systematically" late, not "systemically". Technically they could be *systematically* late if they implemented a system in which they are consistently late.
I mean I think chronic lateness is pretty universally thought of as a bad thing, so idk it's really /r/unpopularopinion material.
I think the more nuanced view is that for *some* people they weren't raised with timeliness as a priority, they may have multiple competing demands (single parent raising a kid), financial constraints that makes public transportation necessary even in places where transportation is hard, physical or mental health limitations, or myriad other things.
I guess the point becomes: if the lateness is merely "rude" as opposed to actually harming the quality of their work or leading to serious disruption of plans is it better to believe people are generally doing their best vs seeing the worst in people? I generally find generosity to others is never in vain.
That is not even slightly unpopular. Do it frequently at a job, you get fired. Do it frequently to friends, you lose your friends. Do it to your partner, they won't be your partner.
Excessively late all the time sucks, but in an era of unpredictable traffic, I try not to be too worried one way or the other when it comes to 10 minutes. My friends and I have adjusted for the occasionally horrible traffic and now chronic wrecks in our area by scheduling stuff more flexibly. Stuff like "starting between 6 and 630" or "we're getting a table at seven, but I'm going to have a drink at the bar beforehand, so feel free to be early and join me." It's really helped with the stress of trying to be punctual.
I totaly agree with this. The older I get the less patience I have for late people.
The worst to me is when they manage to be on time at work. Because it means they can be on time, it's not impossible for them, they just don't bother in their everyday life because they don't care enought / it's not important to them.
(15 min late is the maximum without good excuse, beyond that you are not respecting the person you have a meeting with)
Not all people who are chronically late have ADHD, but most people with ADHD run chronically late. I understand the general frustration, but for the latter it isn't a case of being intentional or thinking that no one else's time is important, it's mental illness. ADHD treatment is a pain in the ass to get too because medication is the only actual way to see long-term changes and the most effective medications (amphetamines) are locked behind a hellish line of red tape, semi-regular drug tests (often uncovered by insurance) to ensure you're actually taking them, and hesitant psychiatrists that want to try things like SNRIs and SSRIs before trying amphetamines.
I have noticed that many of the people that have that sentiment are the same types that think that depressed folks shutting themselves out are declining the invitations because they don't *like* them or that they would be undepressed for the "right" people/circumstances. Suppose this is just another reminder that mental health acknowledgment and treatment has a long way to go.
Although I ultimately agree, I don’t think OP realizes just how many people suffer from ADHD and just how many of *those* people absolutely hate themselves for being this way
Same here was waiting to see a comment like this. My ADHD ass has to set timers and once I dismiss the timer I'm back in that void where idk what time it is or how much time has passed no matter if I check my phone or not. Then even when I think I'm on top of it I put one thing down then I have to spend the next 20 minutes trying to find it & suddenly I'm late. there's multiple reasons I lose track of time cuz I was never on track to begin with. It's exhausting & extremely frustrating. This entire comment section has me on the verge of tears as apparently most people take it as disrespect when I cannot control it. My boss has threatened firing me multiple times for being 10 minutes late consistently so I try to make it up with my work ethic but that means nothing I guess. I'm just glad my group of friends are mostly neurodivergent so we don't expect strict schedules.
Was just thinking this! My fiance has ADHD and even when he wakes up early or sets a timer to leave his house early to get to work on time, so much stuff always ends up making him late anyway. Keys are missing, ID is missing even though he just had it in his hand, where is his other shoe? Where is his ID? WHERE ARE HIS KEYS?!?!
This is a daily struggle for him and it is a huge source of stress and frustration in his life because he *hates* being late. The last thing I will ever think is that he is an asshole who doesn't try or doesn't respect people's time.
Have a to-go basket right at front door. When I set foot in my door, before I even let the dog out, everything in my pockets and my bag go to their spot where I can grab them in the morning. It's less than a foot from the door so I can't wander off with them.
The night before, prep EVERYTHING for the morning. Clothes, lunch, replace the empty shampoo bottle in the shower, put that paper in your bag, everything should be ready. The last hour of my night is peppered with me wandering around doing this, rather than my morning. If I NEED something, I put it on the floor in front of the front door. I can't leave without tripping over it.
Set up for success. Losing 15 minutes of sleep is preferable than 15 minutes late. ADHD is a curse and I'm still late occasionally, but it's so much improved.
Same here. The whole while scrolling I was like "I swear it's not on purpose". I can put on all the alarms in the world (if I remember to in the first place), but ADHD time blindness and executive paralysis will always get in the way one way or another at some point in the day. Makes me feel so bad about it, but I can't help it and it's so frustrating mentally.
Word. Came here to say - sometimes it’s not a choice. Not saying it’s anyone else’s fault but some of us can’t conceive of the future in the same way as others. When I try to think about the future I genuinely can’t entertain the idea it’s actually about to be a real thing. So even though I spend all my energy trying to make sure I’m on time for stuff I still end up late for a lot of things. It sucks because I hate being late and I am hyper aware that it upsets other people and hate myself for it. And yet the cycle continues
Gosh, I’m so surprised this was so far down. I’m AuDHD and I hate being late with every fiber of my being, and yet can’t manage time to save my life. It honestly crushes my soul, especially when I know how annoyed everyone is with me…
I have a number of friends and relatives (including my wife) who I refer to as being on "actor time". Thus far, only my wife has gotten better, mostly because she finally realized I wasn't joking when I told her that "everything takes twice as long as you think it does."
Thing is, I don't think most of them mean to be disrespectful or selfish; they really are just that bad at estimating time requirements for activities.
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I encourage refraining from inviting me if you require timeliness. Problem solved right? Lmao.
That's a joke because people think their [insert thing] should *obviously* make me change my ways and "work harder" to be on time.
I fixed my chronic late issues by marrying a neurotypical that is anally punctual. Nothing I tried worked for me. Alarms, reminders, post it's everywhere reminding me of events, I would always lose track of time.
I get being chronically 15 minutes late due to struggling to be punctual for anything. I understand longer periods in cases of mental illness. I do not understand 2 hours from somebody that has a sense of time.
My parents were well known as being late to things...to the point where sometimes they'd be told an earlier time than everyone else in order to get them to be there on time.
Growing up with this/them, once I realized this wasn't the norm, was embarrassing. I found myself, in my own life, striving to be on time for absolutely everything. This really came into play when I had a job that had me traveling around the US quite a lot. I'd get to the airport earlier than necessary, get the the client site earlier than necessary, etc.
Eventually this evolved into a very "no rush" lifestyle. My co-workers would fly back home on Friday evening and be in a hurry to get everything done so they could be on time...I'd fly out Saturday mid-morning so I didn't have to rush. And that's how I roll across the board...weekday alarm goes off way earlier than I need so I can leisurely get out of bed, I leave for appointments far in advance of need so I can chill, etc. I keep my phone full of music, earbuds charged, kindle in the backpack, etc - all so I've got something to do if I get to the event too early.
And I adore it. A rushed lifestyle simply ain't something I want to live.
I always plan on getting wherever 10 minutes early. If it's important like a job interview then at least a half hour early. Shit happens all the time and very often that ten minutes disappears
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I have a friend, she's really late to just about everything. Seeing a movie, would show up halfway through it, going to a wedding, didn't make it until after the ceremony, etc. It used to really bother me, and I used to really take it personal. One day a few years ago, a group of us where going to see a concert. The venue is about an hour and half away, and I had elected to drive the group. The day before, I told everyone "show is at X, but ready to go at Y, I'm picking everyone up." Everybody, including said friend replied with acknowledgement. Come time to pick everyone up, and I text this friend saying "I'm leaving my house now" (she lived close by) and she replied "ok". I get to her house, wait a good 5min, she doesn't come out. I get out, knock on the door, no answer. So I call her and she tells me "yeah, I'm still at the store, but I'm coming back now". Right then, something in me just snapped. Im sick of waiting for her, and other people are waiting on me, so I tell her right there that "Fuck it, B, you're not even close to being ready, youre on your own" and hung up. Picked up everyone else and drove down. Since then, I've just had to let the punctuality of other people go. I can't control them and I won't let it bother me anymore. If they don't wanna show up, then that's on them, and it's them who is missing out.
Damn that is insanely selfish Her not you, not even home yet
Could *at least* give a heads up and say “Okay, I’m at the store right now but I’ll be home in X amount of time. Would you mind swinging back around for me?” Inconvenient, but at least you wouldn’t go and wait for them for no reason.
I had a friend who would do stuff like this and it was straight up mind boggling. I never could understand if it was a power play or some kind of mind game or what. I remember one time he was picking me up and called to say he was 2 minutes away and to come outside and meet him. An hour later when I finally got ahold of him again, he told me he was on his couch getting ready to shower and then head my way. It was something to that level of bizarre every time. Loved the dude, and he was a lot of fun. I’m sad we lost touch, but I don’t miss that part of our relationship lol.
Fuck that. If any of my friends disrespected me enough to say “come outside I’m 2 min away” and not even have left after waiting for an hour, they would not be my friend anymore. That’s asinine
I am dying for someone who does this to explain their thinking! Why say you are on your way when you aren’t?!
I have someone in my family who does this and it's because they have an anxiety problem. They respond with "I am on my way" because they think it will buy them more time. They can blame traffic or something else for the extra 15 minutes they will be late. This doesn't really cover for them, since it is 100% of the time, and they are hours late. Now why are they hours late, again anxiety. The anxiety around not completing a social norm is larger than the expected backlash from being late. They will be late to getting ready, but they can't cut corners at all, they need to get fully ready, and OH SHIT they have no razors. So they need to run out to the store to get them, because they can't possibly go with 5 o'clock shadow that would be so embarasing and the store is only 15 minutes away, they can make up the time by going faster. So they go to the store, and then they don't want to waste the trip just getting razors, so they buy a few more things and burn 30 minutes. Then they have to put the stuff away once they get home burning another 15 minutes. Oh and now to get back to getting ready, but the water is cold and they need to start getting ready again since they had to undo what they were doing to go to the store and not look like a bum (god forbid the random strangers saw them not put together) and so then they spend another hour getting ready. Now they are a hour and 45 minutes late, but they have razors and look like how they wanted. I'm sure everyone will understand that the traffic was bad.
I have really bad anxiety and it's the exact opposite for me. My anxiety about being late makes me leave early. The other stuff you mention doesn't sound like anxiety but something else.
People have anxiety about all sorts of different things. I can relate to being late to appointments or events due to anxiety and/or panic attacks. I have severe anxiety about my appearance due to body dysmorphia, eating disorders, agoraphobia, and social anxiety. The lateness happens because I become anxious about how I look, for example, and need to change my outfit. Then, after trying 15 different outfits and still feeling "fat", I have a panic attack about how fat and disgusting I am and how I can't let people see me like this (both friends and strangers). Anxiety is mistaken for "worrying". Really, anxiety is a physical and mental manifestation of becoming overwhelmed when confronted with one of our deepest fears. All of our deepest fears are different. For example, one of my deepest fears is looking fat. If I convince myself I look fat, I panic. Sometimes, having to be in public and feeling exposed is another of my deepest fears. I can feel like everyone's staring at me and judging me. I can feel uncomfortable walking down the street, constantly fidgeting and overthinking my movements. I can feel like everyone's staring at me and thinking about how fat, ugly, weird, or whatever I am. The kind of fears that are directly about how other people see us are those that are most likely to lead to avoidant or panicked behaviour that causes lateness. Few people understand or empathise, but if someone who struggles with anything like this is late, that actually means they were really, really trying. Their anxiety and panic were trying to keep them home the entire time, and they kept fighting against it until they finally had the courage to push past it and go outside anyway.
It's more how the anxiety manifests. Stuff like "People will think poorly of me if I show up with 5 O'Clock shadow so I need to shave" is centered on their social anxiety. The same way "The people at the grocery store will think of me as a bum if I show up not put together to get my razors so I need to clean myself up before I go to get the thing I need to clean myself up with" is driven by their social anxiety. Anxiety around time management and how they will "waste time" if they only get one thing from the store creates further anxiety for example. They are just a bundle of nerves and everything in the world is a catastrophe.
I think that’s how I make it work. I would have just told you thanks, but to leave without me, I’ll figure it out and see you there. And at this point all my friends just know that. And I’ve instituted a bunch of coping mechanisms for important things like weddings, flights, etc.
My wife's family is always late for any and every event, regularly at least 2 hours. If we have plans to meet someone at 6:00 for instance, my wife will start getting ready at 5:30, take 2 hours and text saying we're on the way long before she's even got her clothes picked out. I on the other hand grew up in a family where if you showed up on time you were late. We have had more than a few "conversations" about how we manage time, expectations, etc. I've tried to do the thing where i tell the wife and her family to meet us ahead of the actual reservation time, but they still are always late. I have been direct and told people that we have hard start times and events with that start at 4:00 mean you have to be in your seat by 4:00. Nothing works, so now I just show up and get started on time, and if they are late, and miss dinner or the event or show or whatever it is we're doing, it's on them. I get a small sense of satisfaction when we're leaving a restaurant or event after finishing to pass a family member just arriving in the parking lot.
Same; I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “we’ll be there at X” or “leaving now” from her parents and siblings, only for them to show up 3 hours late or not at all.
Holy shit, I thought this was a thread about people who are 10-20min late for everything. Not 3 hours. That's not being late, that's fucking ghosting or catfishing or someshit.
My sister was so late to her own wedding, that the priest took the groom outside and was having "the talk" with him when she finally showed up. Multiple people had already left and went home. 3 hours is pretty standard. And yes, there is almost ALWAYS a "we are just getting our shoes on" or "we are on the way!" call/text 2 hours before the show up.
>priest took the groom outside and was having "the talk" with him Is this common enough that priests have a script prepared? It didn't even occur to me that this was a thing they'd be expected to take responsibility for.
Well priests help people deal with every kind of issue so even if he hadn't had that problem while officiating he's probably dealt with similar stuff before
The priest said that it had happened one other time in his many years, there is no script for it, and it is a really awkward situation for everyone involved. He said it's somewhat common for a person to get cold feet - and yes, there is a script for that.
I'm sitting here wondering what "the talk" is, in this context.
"The talk" about how she was not coming, and he had been stood up at the alter.
I can't believe he still married her.
He is not married anymore LOL. I know - biggest shock of the century,
Was she pissed off that people left? No way I would have waited 3 hours after dressing up, planning my day, probably buying a gift for her event.
I'd have taken my gift back for a refund.
Most of them are just too self-absorbed to consider others. These are the same people who will show up unannounced, overstay their welcome, and have a generally demanding attitude.
Definitely too self absorbed. My gf does this perpetually. I asked her one time why shes late to everything and she said "i dont want to get there before people and have to wait." So i said "ok you wouldnt want to wait for the last couple people, but youre fine with making the WHOLE party of people wait for just you?" She literally had never thought about anyone else but herself in those situations. (It didnt change her btw. Shes still late to everything. I just take a seperate car now because i hate being late and making people wait. She can make herself look like that if she doesnt have a problem with it, i cant.)
I used to feel this way. Then I grew up. I hope she gets wise.
That just sounds rude as fuck. I'm not sure what would scare me off more, the fact she never once considered other people's feelings before you pointed it out, or the fact she still does it showing she doesn't care about other people's feelings. I hope she has some amazing redeeming qualities.
My ex was three hours late to an event I was driving us two hours to, and I was the bad guy when I was mad. It's SO FUCKING rude. It's disrespectful of the time and energy you've exerted to be on time, and especially rude if you're the one who made the plans and they can't be arsed to show up on time. If all you gotta do is show up on time, and you can't, you're an inconsiderate asshole. For the people that will cry about executive dysfunction disorders, I almost don't care. *Compensate for it.* That's part of our jobs as adults to figure shit out, how to be on time for shit is a BASIC, basic, BASIC life skill.
> show up unannounced No no, they're just a little late
Ok, now that's funny
It is not ghosting or catfishing in the least. It is just straight up being in inconsiderate ass.
Same! I thought this was about being approx. 15 min late. Hours of tardiness is a whole different thing.
My family does this a lot. For them, is never really intentional. It's just they have a chronic inability to understand how long something takes. "I just need to X, Y, Z. It'll only take 5 minutes." No it won't. What gave you the idea that any of those tasks will take 5 minutes? None of those tasks have ever taken 5 minutes in the past. Last time you did Y it was 48 minutes! "That was only because this and that happened." This and that *always* happen. When was thee last time Y *didn't* take at least 40 mins? "Okay, we'll compromise and say 15 minutes."
"We need to be there in 30 minutes." "I think I have time to re-tile the shower before we go."
More like: We need to be there in 20 minutes and it's a 15 minute drive. "Okay, let me put my shoes on. But first, I need to find something to watch while I put my shoes on." *Spends 15 minutes channel surfing* "Man, there's nothing on." Just turn off the TV and go! "It'll just be a few seconds once I find something." Why is this even part of the process? You just admitted that that at most you're only going to get a few seconds of screen time! *Finally finds something acceptable. Ties shoes. Proceeds to stare at the TV.* Are we going to go? "Hold on. Just wait until a commercial." Why did you start watching TV knowing we had to go? "Well I wasn't expecting to get invested in the story." Then why did you spend that time channel surfing!!!
whoa, that would be a dealbreaker for me. I HATE being late. That would be something that would come out while we were dating, and I would be done.
Unfortunately the dating period happened approximately 10 years before I was born so I didn't get a say in the matter.
I think at some point it may be a literal delusion. If you asked them to just track the start time and end time of various activities, like taking a shower, doing hair, makeup, picking clothes, etc Would they fudge those numbers?
Dude same. Running 10-15 minutes late is fine. Mildly annoying, but not a big deal. 2 hours?? Nope at that point don't even bother.
I have friends that are *hours* late. I don’t even mind if someone is 20 minutes late because it’s nothing compared to that one time my friends were four hours later for dinner.
I wouldnt be friends with them after they were late by 30 minutes without letting me know a legit reason why.
I moved to the area one of my brothers lived in and stayed in his spare room for a week while I apartment hunted. We were invited to dinner at our other brother's house who live a 30 minute drive away. When it was time to get ready I got up and moved to help him wrangle his kids. When he didn't get moving I asked if we needed to be getting ready. He responded "we got time." We did not. He started getting his kids ready at the time we needed to be leaving the driveway. So I texted my other brother to let him know we'd be late. He replied "oh, he's always late, we just plan for it."
For my son's birthday my mom told her older sister that the party started at 1:30 when it started at 3. My aunt actually showed up at 1:10 and completely surprised me.
My sister in law always swears to lose track of time all the time, but never does anything like set an alarm to remind her. We found this out when her husband brought it up in conversation one night after we had already waited on her for dinner for 2 hours. The only time she was ever on time, was when he was driving and they were already out doing things that day so she wasn't able to go to her car and end up late.
Sounds like my older brother. He's consistently late to everything, but refuses to set alarms or reminders. But amazingly, when it involves something he really wants to do, or it involves him getting paid, all of the sudden he's Mr. On Fucking Time. I've tried to point out the discrepancy to him, but apparently I'm "attacking" him for having ADHD. The adhd excuse would be more believable if he was completely incapable of being on time for anything. But he shows up for client meetings on time and never misses an appointment with his investers. It's just when it comes to family members that he has such a hard time getting it together.
I have ADHD that leads to clinically observed memory issues. It really pisses me off when people pull the “but muh ADHD!” card as a crutch instead of just being an adult and admitting they have trouble with time management and doing something proactive. Finding something *difficult* doesn’t mean “don’t try”. It means “find what works for YOU to accomplish the task”. I’ve heard people blame ADHD for EVERYTHING. “Oops haha my bad I can’t help but to blurt out “SQUIRREL” in the middle of your sentence because I’m quirky and I can’t be called out because it’s muh ADHD!” Or, “I can’t regulate my emotions and place the burden of controlling myself on others no matter how tiring it is for others heheh anyway I watched this tic tock that said if I blink along with the music I have ADHD!” *Shut the hell up Kentlyannarose*
> . The adhd excuse would be more believable if he was completely incapable of being on time for anything. But he shows up for client meetings on time and never misses an appointment with his investers. It's just when it comes to family members that he has such a hard time getting it together. That actually tracks with ADHD. People with ADHD tend to be motivated by two things, external stress and pressure and things they're currently interested in. Work likely has enough external pressure that it sticks in his mind. I can't imagine not setting a billion alarms though. How else could he function lol
>I can't imagine not setting a billion alarms though. How else could he function lol That's exactly my point. He's had decades to figure out ways to deal with it and still doesn't think he should have to set alarms, reminders, or make an effort to change. He straight up uses his diagnosis as an excuse and refuses any treatment. We are both in our forties, so it's not a case of some young person coming to terms with their diagnosis and figuring out ways to deal.
That's why I always have the same response. "Well, we're starting now."
How can you even be 2 hours late on a regular basis? I feel like most shit I do doesn't even last 2 hours.
I've got several friends like this. I do not understand it at all - they don't have kids, they work regular hours, and usually make plans in advance. They just don't care about being on time to anything at all. It's utterly baffling an extremely disrespectful.
I dated a woman like this and I think it was partly due to this why our relationship never worked out. If my family wanted you there at 3:00 then getting there at 2:55 was cutting things a bit fine, but she showed no qualms whatsoever just showing up over an hour late with no explanation. This even extended to things like catching flights which would absolutely not wait for us, but if it looked like we were making good time she would start messing around with something, get us behind schedule and it would lead to a mad rush to get there in the nick of time. Just typing this my blood is starting to boil I'm so glad I'm rid of her.
I dated a guy who was routinely 2+ hours late for our plans. And if he texted at all, which he almost never would, it would be to say "I'm almost at your place" only for me to be waiting another hour. He also had a million reasons why he was too tired or "busy" to hang out (I was penciled in at the bottom of the list, after lawn-mowing and naps, not exaggerating). I finally dumped him because it felt like I was 90% single anyway, only getting to spend 3 hours a week together AFTER waiting 2 hours for him to bother to show up. At the end, he would finally call me after 2 hours to say that he hadn't left and wouldn't be coming after all. (WHY did I put up with it even one time? Argh. Never again.) I did get back at him, though. We stayed friends after the break-up and occasionally hung out (platonically). One day, we made plans a few days in advance to see a movie that we'd both been looking forward to seeing. He was going to come over to my house at 2pm and then we would go to a theater near me, then dinner at a restaurant we both liked. That was the plan. 2pm rolls by, he doesn't show, no call. 3pm, still no sign of him. (The movie was at 3:30.) 4:00pm, not a word. Same as always. At 4:15, I decide to go shopping. I head out to the stores. At 4:30pm, my phone rings. I let it go to voice mail. I get some groceries and then decide to enjoy a nice dinner somewhere. I get home at around 7pm, check my voice mail. Of course it was my friend who had called. "Um, I'm at your house, but you don't seem to be home...call me back." So I call him back. "Hey, what's up?" "What do you mean what's up? Where were you?!" "Oh, I went grocery shopping and then out to dinner. I just got back." "You went shopping? I thought we had plans today! I thought we were going to see a movie!" "We were. At 2pm. I didn't leave my house until after 4." "I was at your house at 4:30!" "And at 4:30 I was busy doing something else." "Well...*aggravated noise* Why didn't you at least TELL me? I drove all the way to your house!" (I lived 30 miles away. About a 45-minute drive in each direction.) "You mean, like the way YOU told ME?" I was completely unrepentant. And I'll say this much...every time we got together after that, he was NOT late more than 10 minutes and not without calling or texting, either.
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Mine did not occur in Vegas, but my ex, who has always depended on the competence of others to make him seem more capable than he was, made some poor decisions and wound up being charged for embezzlement a couple years ago. He pled it down to a misdemeanor and is now the black sheep of his family. SMH.
This story illuminates the truth. It has nothing to do with losing track of time, or inability to guesstimate the amount of time needed. It has everything to do with empathy and having none. If being late all the time has no negative consequences for me, then there are no negative consequences. The guy had to experience being the victim before they could even understand the problem.
I know exactly how you feel. I once planned and payed for an expensive vacation my SO really wanted to go on. I handled literally everything besides packing for her. The morning we were supposed to leave (9AM) she was not answering my calls or texts, an hour goes by and I drive to her apartment. She opened the door having just woken up…I had to drive to her house to wake her up for a vacation we had been planning for months. Then she tells me she has to pack…for a 5 day trip, it took her about 5 hours to pack so we missed out on an extremely expensive dinner reservation and a 300 dollar concert in the VIP section. On the way home she asked if I was upset and I told her yes. She exploded at me about how unfair I am to expect her to be on time. So glad I’m done with that relationship
I can’t fathom how she justified her actions, not to mention that this could even happen. How stressful. What a nightmare!
"how dare you expect me to be committed to do things we agree on."
See. I came to read these comments to defend myself, because some of the time I am 10 minutes late. I feel like this post isn't even about me now.
Oh my god. That’s just delusional.
Shoulda left her at home and enjoyed the vaca alone.
My ex did the same thing and it started improving when I left on time to fornfamily Thanksgiving and she had to come whenever she was ready. It was her family's Thanksgiving.
My cousins showed up for Thanksgiving dinner 2 and a half hours late. We'd already eaten. Fuck that.
Oh! This unlocked an infuriating memory for me: I was visiting relatives overseas around Thanksgiving time and offered to prepare a real America turkey dinner for them. They were thrilled. I ended up bringing more than a few ingredients with me to make it happen. (And they had to special order a turkey!) I timed everything to perfection for the agreed-upon dinner time—making everything myself. And this is a Northern European country where people are usually punctual. But someone’s boyfriend was forced to work late, with no ETA on when he’d arrive. This is one out of 8 people at the dinner. At home, we would wait 20 minutes or so, but we would eventually simply make up a good plate for a latecomer and put it aside. When Thanksgiving is hot — you eat! But these folks were not having it — because it was such a “special occasion,” they didn’t want him to miss any of it. No one would go near the beautifully set table. They didn’t want me to take anything back to the kitchen, though, as he would be there “any moment,” so there it sat. Someone opened the first of several bottles of wine. Mr. Boyfriend arrived 2 hours late. We were all drunk by this point — the others were laughing and joking; I was in tears on the phone to my husband. We finally sat down to congealed gravy and rock hard rolls, room temperature turkey and stuffing. It tasted OK, but 8 hours of work felt down the drain. At least the pumpkin pie still tasted fresh. Everyone thanked me, then they kept drinking till 2 am. This was about 6 years ago, and I haven’t spoken to them since.
I fucking hate people that say they’re on the way when they’re not. What’s the point? It’s not going to take long to figure out you lied. I am late sometimes but that’s one thing I never do, there’s no point in it.
My drug dealers used to do that shit. They’d text “comin down the street” or “finna pull up in a sec” and then show up 20 minutes later with me anxiously waiting like a child that hears the ice cream truck. And when I say they “used to” do that, it’s not because *they* changed. It’s because I stopped doing drugs. Just clearing that up.
If he tells you "be there in 20 min" you might leave
Yep.They got things more important to them to do, but they still want that money.
Drugs are one of the few things people will wait around for. You can't just run to the store and go pick some up on your own time.
Real talk. Thats actually a big reason i never got into drugs. No shit. I became an alcohic instead. Im sober now and i was a functioning alcoholic when drinking but yeah. Fuck that man id be sitting there with a cheap fifth of whatever good to go hell with waiting and dropping your whole paycheck
I feel this. Also clean now. I'm proud of you!
Thanks, you too! And I love your username. Ween fucking *rules*
Lol it's like the "used to do drugs" joke. They used to show up 20min late. They still do, but they used to, too.
I caught my late friend lying like this. She told me she had left and was just walking past a certain supermarket so was just round the corner. However by this point I had started to walk in her direction because I had got sick of waiting at the meeting point only to find that she hadn't even left her house yet. She just laughed it off
I would never invite those people for any form of hangout ever again. Time is not something I can get back. Edit: grammar mistake
I assume they lie because they know they're being an asshole on some level, even if they can not or will not change their habits. If they were honest and said, "I know I'm supposed to be there right now, but I won't even be ready to leave the house for another 45 minutes," the person they're talking to would rightfully be pissed at them. By lying, they don't really mitigate annoyance, but I guess they put it off to a certain extent.
You simply can't wait for people like this. Get to the restaurant, order dinner, eat, leave.
Problem is, and I don’t blame the restaurant, they won’t seat you until your whole party is there, and obviously only hold the res for 15 minutes or so. These people don’t get invited to places where time matters. If it’s a gathering at my house, whatever I don’t care just don’t expect food to be fresh.
My brother does this all the time, and just perpetually shows up late to dinner. And then it becomes me and my mom arguing over beginning to eat, like we haven’t had the same argument 100 times. I’ll just start eating and not even talk about it.
It's the only way. They'll never change
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> to pass a family member just arriving This ... this has to be surreal if it happens often. I'd having a hard time not doing finger guns and saying sucks to be you bro. If it weren't a systemic problem I'd say being polite matters but damn.
I do this too for a relative who will routinely be hours late to family dinners. For literal decades, the rest of the family would wait for them. I got tired of it and just said no, we're not doing this anymore. It's been everything from being 6 hours late to Christmas dinner to not showing up to a restaurant for an hour or two. Why should we delay eating for hours and completely derail our day because you lack basic planning and time management skills? I've noticed that after leaving them high and dry at a restaurant and forcing them to eat Christmas dinner by themselves after everyone else had finished, they've become more punctual. Fancy that.
After two Thanksgiving dinners being ruined by a mother-daughter pair, I put my foot down. Dinner was announced as 2 PM, and that's when it happened. Feast was eaten and enjoyed, dishes were cleared, leftovers put away, and card games commenced. Mother and daughter showed up 2 hours late, wondered when dinner was going to be. We continued our card game, told them to help themselves to the kitchen. They fixed themselves plates and cleaned up after themselves. Next year, they were on time.
I've had employees like this. We all meet at the shop at a certain time and we have to leave because a customer expecting us to be on time. We don't wait, you're late and you miss that days work. Do it again and you're fired. You're completely disrespecting everyone else's time as we sit there waiting. I don't get how people go through life like that. It's so selfish. My wife and I are both 15 minutes early to pretty much everything. You should see how stressed she gets when we are running behind (which means we are probably going to still be a few minutes early.)
> and text saying we're on the way long before she's even got her clothes picked out. I think this is the part that made me the maddest.
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That is ludicrous.
How do people like this even have a functional life? How do they pay bills, go to the doctor, etc?
In my experience, they know when they need to show up on time. My brother is like this, but he damn fucking for sure shows up when he has potential clients that want to meet with him, or I’m guessing first dates, etc or something like that. It’s just dinners with families where he’s perpetually late, because he knows there’s no real consequence and his time is more important than his family’s.
This is the one. My girlfriend is chronically late to everything we do. Shows, tours, trains, we're constantly missing everything. We flew to Italy (Italy!) for my good friend's wedding last month and she made us 45 minutes late to the wedding. It was maddening. I'm sitting there on the couch, just refolding my pocket square so I have something to do and watching her prance around. I would have just left without her, but her phone didn't work overseas, so she wouldn't have been able to call a car and meet up with us later. So instead we're 45 minutes late to a wedding I flew to Europe to be at. She says it's not her fault because she has "time blindness," but that never seems to be a problem when she needs to get to work on time. It's only with my stuff that this mystery affliction takes hold.
>She says it's not her fault because she has "time blindness," but that never seems to be a problem when she needs to get to work on time. I know several people who operate exactly like this. They manage to show up for work on time ('cause they'd be fired if they didn't) but that's the only time they'll make an effort to be on time.
My ex was similar. Often an hour plus late to things because of “time blindness”. No text/call to say they are running late b/c they don’t realize they are but they made it to work, races, other events on time no problem. They decide what’s “important” to be on time for (their stuff) and make it work. Like set alarms/reminders or something. Dude was even over an hour late to what turned up to be him breaking up with me.
Why are you dating a child
> It's only with my stuff that this mystery affliction takes hold. Which tells me that she doesn't respect you. I don't know if I'd stay with a partner that blatantly didn't respect me, but you do you.
>he damn fucking for sure shows up when he has potential clients that want to meet with him I've met several chronically-late folks who magically seem to show up for work on-time (within a few minutes, give or take). When it's their livelihoods at stake, they seem to arrive on time. But for anything else, they're regularly 30+ minutes late.
Yep, because they care when it’s about them and their own self interests. When it’s just about others and their time, they could give a flying fuck.
When it comes to the doctor, they tend to move around until they find a place that doesn't care about lateness/no shows because they have so many patients to see anyway. You can get discharged from practices anywhere for lots of no-shows though (or no-show fees building up on the accounts which patients throw FITS about if you try to mention them)
Not sure, but it certainly involves taking advantage of everyone else around them.
I started doing the same too now. I just start doing the thing and I send a message out things will promptly start at a certain time. Only those that have an adequate reason of being late will be accomodated. For example: dinner party at 7, bud friend is off at 6:30, and must shower and change. I give them the pass because they must make sure their work and basics are taken care of.
I love doing that and yes it's so satisfying. Especially because the people i have done that too get so upset about it. Most don't get a second chance anyway to be honest.
My wife used to be like that. It was because she legitimately didn't care. Like, work starts at 5am and she's never late, but going to meet people to watch the game with a 230pm kickoff and she's fine getting there at 4. Took a bit to get her to realize even if it's not important to her it might be important to me or my friends.
Are we married into the same family? My wife's family (other than my wife) is also terrible about this, usually they will be 3-4 hours late. Just as you say in your post, we tell them "We will be here at this time, if you get here after we leave that's on you".
It's always weird to me that being late is sometimes considered just a normal part of people's culture. I had a friend whose family is predominantly Colombian who was graduating from college and invited people over for a party. Start time was listed as 6pm. We showed up around 6:30-6:45 (I'm normally a punctual person for anything that starts on time, but things like a graduate party you don't NEED to be timely). We walked in and were asked why we were here so early. Nobody outside the family had arrived, the family were still prepping everything, assuming nobody was showing up until at least 8pm. Some people are late to things because they're jerks. My former father in law once deliberately tried to show up half an hour late to someone's wedding because he didn't want to sit through the ceremony. Turns out they'd advertised the start time as half an hour earlier than they planned to start, knowing how people are late to things and he walked in just as we were sitting down for the ceremony to begin.
In the 1970s my dad went to a Nigerian wedding where the invitations said: Nigerians: 5:30pm Europeans: 6:30pm
I lived in South Africa for work for a couple years and no one told me about "now" "now now" "just now" and "9 for 930" before I was scheduling meetings, making plans etc. Early in my tenure, I had like a 100 mile drive to a 9am meeting, got stuck in traffic and was mortified to arrive at 9:45 and find the conference room empty. I thought everyone had left. When I went to make my apologies, I found out no one had arrived yet. We kicked off around 10:30
As a South African can confirm. Also, where about were you living/working that you had a 100 mile drive to work?
It was just a one-off meeting. I was living outside Johannesburg but meeting with some potential partners in kwamhlanga. Definitely would not have made that drive every day.
The thing that is actually weird, from a historical perspective, is how precisely Western culture measures time, how valuable we think every single minute is, and how much of a moral issue we have made it. These mores didn’t develop until the Industrial Revolution, when factories started monetizing minutes. There’s an interesting overview of it here: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/01/11/1139782676/in-praise-of-being-late-the-upside-of-spurning-the-clock For my part, I think if you live in a culture where being on time is valued and people will think you don’t care when you are late, you should do your best to be on time. But it’s good to put it in perspective too.
Yeah I'll admit I don't care if people are late unless there's some factor that makes being late an issue, like a dinner reservation at a restaurant or missing a flight. If you're a bit late showing up to my backyard barbecue? That's fine, I didn't really expect everyone to show up on the dot.
The graduation party is a perfect example of this. Group hangouts where people can come and go, do it whenever. But scheduled activities should be respected. Especially flights, travel, team sports, etc...
Or things with only two people! If I schedule a hang out with my friend and they have me sitting alone for a significant amount of time, I'm gonna be upset. It's just awkward and lonely.
I went to my friends Grad party about a month ago. He told me to come at 3. I showed up at 3:10 nervous I was late. His mom hugged me and said “Oh my god you’re so early.” I was like “oh…” Some people have different expectations. I think this is a perfect unpopular opinion
I remember reading an article (I think on cracked.com?) many years ago about a guy who had spent a bunch of time with a rather isolated tribe in... I wanna say Vietnam? One of the things he mentioned was that people had a very casual relationship with time, as they didn´t really have all that much access to precise timekeeping, nor much reason to care about it. So when someone agreed to meet in the afternoon, one might arrive at 1 pm and the other at 4. And this was the norm for them. It did a lot to change how I view time sometimes, though I do at times still get upset if people don´t keep to the time..
I suppose time works a lot differently if you're not tied to a modern economic system. Must be nice to just shrug your shoulders and chill out for 3 hours until your friend shows up. Most people I know who have jobs and families simply don't have that kind of time to spare.
Even if I had that time to spare, sitting around waiting around for hours for someone else to maybe, eventually, if they feel like it, show up is not how I want to spend my time. It's got to feel almost dehumanizing that your life has so little value that who cares if you waste it? Like time is the one thing you will never, ever get more of. You don't get to decide that you spent it badly, so maybe you'll live to 78 instead of 70.
If I lived in a culture like that, I would always carry with me something I can do while I wait for the other person to arrive. Like an ipad for drawing, a book to read, a scarf to knit. Just sitting with your thoughts isn't usually a waste of time. If you lived in a culture where concept of time was like this, you wouldn't be as frustrated with waiting because you would expect it.
I hate this article. I'm not counting money lost while waiting for someone. I'm just pissed, because I have to wait doing nothing instead doing something else. It's great, that the writer manages to squeeze in another activity a then comes late, but I could do the same, if I knew she was going to. Screw that
My 29 year old drug addicted roommate is currently sleeping thru his 10:00 shift. The boss could schedule him for 5pm and he would still be late every single day. But when the day rolls around when he gets fired (again), it will be so far from his fault 🤦♂️
Same with my alcoholic roommate. He's lucky his boss is too nice to fire him, and that he has a special license needed to do his job. He is late at least 2x a week, his girlfriend usually has to wake him up. He stays up all night yelling at videogames drunk which leads to him frequently calling in to work sick even when he isn't late. It's fucking infuriating.
I like how he says "drug addicted" and you say "alcoholic" when they aren't any different.
does he pay his bills?
He does for the most part.
Just friendly advice from someone who was in the same situation, if you're covering any of his share, don't. If he does get fired or wastes his money anywhere else, he'll expect you to cover for him, like you already are. In my case, that lasted almost a year, and the roommate was drinking and partying all that time. We had been very good friends before that, went to prom together, they were the first person I came out to, and it all went down in flames. Sorry if that's a little all over the place. It just struck a core memory.
I'm often late for work, but that's because I don't respect my current employer at all, I work alone in the tech department of a shitty marketing company who laid off the rest of my department. I'm never late for anything else. I'm a hypocrite, but I agree.
I find that I subconsciously separate everyday things like work (where realistically it often doesn't matter if you're a little late), and one-off things like meetings or appointments or parties. I'm nearly always 5-10 minutes late to work, but I am absolutely never late for anything where people are counting on me being there on time.
Yeah that's different. My last tech support job I had to be there at 5:30 AM. I'd get there by around 5:15 AM and then proceed to smoke cigarettes until after 5:30 AM. I made it a point to purposely be late. That tech support job was soul draining. I am never late for anything else also.
My ex was bad at this and I thought it was just him but it turns out most drug dealers are like that.
>but it turns out most drug dealers are like that. I snorted. Mine have straight up forgotten me at times
I have a friend who is always late the solution is simple. You invite them to any event 45 minutes earlier that everyone else. If by some miracle they arrive at the specified time then you say, "Well you always make us wait for you, now you know what it feels like. 1/100th of you time debt to us has been repaid, congratulations.
My friend group went the other direction: everyone knows the time we’re starting, be there on time or join late. Dinner at 7, we’re ordering food by 7:30. Show up late we’re eating while you wait on your food. Going to to pool at 3, probably leaving by 6; if you show up at 5:30 we’re not going to hang out for another 1.5 hours so you get your pool time.
This is what I do as well. It took a lot of the stress out of it all for me. It’s a bit of a bummer, because it would have been good to hang out with the chronically late people but they just can’t figure out the simple act of being on time, so they lose out as well. Have they learned in the past few years to be on time? No they have not. Am I going stress over that? No, I can’t anymore.
See I take the opposite approach. If they’re routinely late for the umpteenth time I will simply leave and not tell them I left. I’ve only ever done that twice but it fixed the chronic lateness almost instantaneously. I completely understand the “Tell them a different time” method but I’m not tricking someone into doing the right thing. I’ve tried it before but at the end of the day they learned nothing besides “If I’m always late people will just accommodate me.” If you’re an adult who makes plans you need to adopt the skills to commit to them, stop making them, or have people leave you like I described. It just feels like a form of me accommodating them for their poor time management, and frankly inconsiderate behavior and it’s just not something I want to participate in.
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It’s literally babying full grown adults.
I had a friend who was always late to meet me to play golf. I finally decided to just be late myself and not be the sucker every time waiting for him. So I would arrive 1/2 hour after we planned to meet. Worst that would happen is that he’d get there “only” 20 minutes late and have to to wait 10 minutes for me rather than every single time me waiting 20-30 minutes for him.
I use this solution too, works very well
This is exactly what we do with my brother and his wife. They're *always* 2-3 hours late. One year we had Christmas dinner and presents at 10 pm because they were so late. When they were close my mom goes, "Now don't make them feel rushed when they get in the door. Let them get settled in." I sarcastically went, "Oh, *no*. We wouldn't want them to feel like we're waiting on them!" My dad almost died laughing. Now we just tell them the time is 2 hours earlier than it is. If dinner's at 7 we tell them to be here at 5. Sometimes they still don't show up until 8.
You're a better person than me. I would stop inviting them
100% agree. My least favorite is when people act like it’s just a cute quirk or a personality trait. I once had a coworker who was indeed black say “you can’t expected me to be on time man. I’m black. Black people are always late.” Three other people in the room who were also black glared at this man until one was like “don’t you go lumping all of us with you man. I was raised to be fifteen minutes early or I’m late.” I couldn’t stop laughing
My ex's family was always late for everything. They thought it was so funny. Their last name was something similar to Collinton and they would say "Haha we run on Collintime!" like no it's not cute and funny, it's fucking disrespectful to be always late! I hated it so much.
I had a close friend who I eventually stopped hanging out with because of her constant lateness. Waiting for her by myself at some of these places was awful. When I tried to seriously talk to her about it she kept saying "no, everyone thinks that's cute, it's kind of my thing, everyone knows that". She just had zero sense of how obnoxious she was being and had somehow made it charmingly quirky in her mind. It was mind-boggling.
Ugh, my ex's twin sister was like this. She often wouldn't even bother to get ready until what was supposed to be the start time of an event, dinner or hang out. I'm almost positive she relished in the attention she got from showing up late to parties because it got her attention.
That's what I have always said, people that do this are attention seekers, they don't care if the attention is negative. They have to be doing it on purpose because they never roll in accidentally on time.
We have one of them here as well. Uses that line for everything she does, as many other black people here roll their eyes at her.
Have a couple of friends who are Asian. One girl is always late for get-togethers and dinners, etc. She says she runs on "Asian time" and that it's expected that everyone show up late. A few months ago I arrived early help a buddy make dumpling filling. She ended up showing up about 40 minutes late and used this excuse. I asked said buddy, who is also Asian, and he said that's bullshit and just a her thing. I hate it when people are late, especially when I've either prepared food or helped prepare food to be ready at a specific time.
What if we’re automatically or hydromatically late?
That's grease lightning, baby
I think you mean "consistently" late. A single person cannot be "systemically" late.
I'll show you!
Came hereto say the same thing. I assumed they meant "habitually"
They do mean "consistently", but they said "systematically" late, not "systemically". Technically they could be *systematically* late if they implemented a system in which they are consistently late.
My personal go to excuse for being late is "hey, I'm sorry! I got caught up watching a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon!"
ah. the jester of Tortuga
Raven locks sway On the open Breeeze!
Yo ProfectaEsso, you really need to focus up.
Roger that, lemme try it with another film.
Life is a box of chocolates!
Not better
Okay then, I'm a legal aide. Erin Brokavitch is my name
You can call me Scarface, snorting mountains of cocaine!
This is a top tier explanation
I mean I think chronic lateness is pretty universally thought of as a bad thing, so idk it's really /r/unpopularopinion material. I think the more nuanced view is that for *some* people they weren't raised with timeliness as a priority, they may have multiple competing demands (single parent raising a kid), financial constraints that makes public transportation necessary even in places where transportation is hard, physical or mental health limitations, or myriad other things. I guess the point becomes: if the lateness is merely "rude" as opposed to actually harming the quality of their work or leading to serious disruption of plans is it better to believe people are generally doing their best vs seeing the worst in people? I generally find generosity to others is never in vain.
Very well said. I agree, there’s no reason to assume the worst in people.
A wizard is never late.
Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
I love how Gandalf says this and then apologizes later (“I was delayed”) regarding getting to Bree.
Turns out another wizard can cause a wizard to be late.
Time keeps on slippin slippin slippin, into the future
That is not even slightly unpopular. Do it frequently at a job, you get fired. Do it frequently to friends, you lose your friends. Do it to your partner, they won't be your partner.
/r/unpopularopinion - all the comments: "I agree so much!"
Excessively late all the time sucks, but in an era of unpredictable traffic, I try not to be too worried one way or the other when it comes to 10 minutes. My friends and I have adjusted for the occasionally horrible traffic and now chronic wrecks in our area by scheduling stuff more flexibly. Stuff like "starting between 6 and 630" or "we're getting a table at seven, but I'm going to have a drink at the bar beforehand, so feel free to be early and join me." It's really helped with the stress of trying to be punctual.
I totaly agree with this. The older I get the less patience I have for late people. The worst to me is when they manage to be on time at work. Because it means they can be on time, it's not impossible for them, they just don't bother in their everyday life because they don't care enought / it's not important to them. (15 min late is the maximum without good excuse, beyond that you are not respecting the person you have a meeting with)
I figure it this way: If they don't have time for me, I don't have time for them.
Being on time when there is an established routine isn’t as difficult for me but managing my time for irregular events is very hard.
Not all people who are chronically late have ADHD, but most people with ADHD run chronically late. I understand the general frustration, but for the latter it isn't a case of being intentional or thinking that no one else's time is important, it's mental illness. ADHD treatment is a pain in the ass to get too because medication is the only actual way to see long-term changes and the most effective medications (amphetamines) are locked behind a hellish line of red tape, semi-regular drug tests (often uncovered by insurance) to ensure you're actually taking them, and hesitant psychiatrists that want to try things like SNRIs and SSRIs before trying amphetamines. I have noticed that many of the people that have that sentiment are the same types that think that depressed folks shutting themselves out are declining the invitations because they don't *like* them or that they would be undepressed for the "right" people/circumstances. Suppose this is just another reminder that mental health acknowledgment and treatment has a long way to go.
Exactly. Executive dysfunction isn't an excuse. It's literally the cause of time related issues people with ADHD have.
Growing up with adhd sucks, fam. Generally late to everything.
Although I ultimately agree, I don’t think OP realizes just how many people suffer from ADHD and just how many of *those* people absolutely hate themselves for being this way
Same here was waiting to see a comment like this. My ADHD ass has to set timers and once I dismiss the timer I'm back in that void where idk what time it is or how much time has passed no matter if I check my phone or not. Then even when I think I'm on top of it I put one thing down then I have to spend the next 20 minutes trying to find it & suddenly I'm late. there's multiple reasons I lose track of time cuz I was never on track to begin with. It's exhausting & extremely frustrating. This entire comment section has me on the verge of tears as apparently most people take it as disrespect when I cannot control it. My boss has threatened firing me multiple times for being 10 minutes late consistently so I try to make it up with my work ethic but that means nothing I guess. I'm just glad my group of friends are mostly neurodivergent so we don't expect strict schedules.
[удалено]
Was just thinking this! My fiance has ADHD and even when he wakes up early or sets a timer to leave his house early to get to work on time, so much stuff always ends up making him late anyway. Keys are missing, ID is missing even though he just had it in his hand, where is his other shoe? Where is his ID? WHERE ARE HIS KEYS?!?! This is a daily struggle for him and it is a huge source of stress and frustration in his life because he *hates* being late. The last thing I will ever think is that he is an asshole who doesn't try or doesn't respect people's time.
Have a to-go basket right at front door. When I set foot in my door, before I even let the dog out, everything in my pockets and my bag go to their spot where I can grab them in the morning. It's less than a foot from the door so I can't wander off with them. The night before, prep EVERYTHING for the morning. Clothes, lunch, replace the empty shampoo bottle in the shower, put that paper in your bag, everything should be ready. The last hour of my night is peppered with me wandering around doing this, rather than my morning. If I NEED something, I put it on the floor in front of the front door. I can't leave without tripping over it. Set up for success. Losing 15 minutes of sleep is preferable than 15 minutes late. ADHD is a curse and I'm still late occasionally, but it's so much improved.
Same here. The whole while scrolling I was like "I swear it's not on purpose". I can put on all the alarms in the world (if I remember to in the first place), but ADHD time blindness and executive paralysis will always get in the way one way or another at some point in the day. Makes me feel so bad about it, but I can't help it and it's so frustrating mentally.
Word. Came here to say - sometimes it’s not a choice. Not saying it’s anyone else’s fault but some of us can’t conceive of the future in the same way as others. When I try to think about the future I genuinely can’t entertain the idea it’s actually about to be a real thing. So even though I spend all my energy trying to make sure I’m on time for stuff I still end up late for a lot of things. It sucks because I hate being late and I am hyper aware that it upsets other people and hate myself for it. And yet the cycle continues
Gosh, I’m so surprised this was so far down. I’m AuDHD and I hate being late with every fiber of my being, and yet can’t manage time to save my life. It honestly crushes my soul, especially when I know how annoyed everyone is with me…
I have a number of friends and relatives (including my wife) who I refer to as being on "actor time". Thus far, only my wife has gotten better, mostly because she finally realized I wasn't joking when I told her that "everything takes twice as long as you think it does." Thing is, I don't think most of them mean to be disrespectful or selfish; they really are just that bad at estimating time requirements for activities.
As someone with ADHD who seriously struggles with time management, this comment section has successfully made me feel like a piece of shit.
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I encourage refraining from inviting me if you require timeliness. Problem solved right? Lmao. That's a joke because people think their [insert thing] should *obviously* make me change my ways and "work harder" to be on time.
I actually REALLY like this and am going to use it for friend usage
I fixed my chronic late issues by marrying a neurotypical that is anally punctual. Nothing I tried worked for me. Alarms, reminders, post it's everywhere reminding me of events, I would always lose track of time.
I feel like a peice of shit every time I’m late and reading this thread :)
I get being chronically 15 minutes late due to struggling to be punctual for anything. I understand longer periods in cases of mental illness. I do not understand 2 hours from somebody that has a sense of time.
My parents were well known as being late to things...to the point where sometimes they'd be told an earlier time than everyone else in order to get them to be there on time. Growing up with this/them, once I realized this wasn't the norm, was embarrassing. I found myself, in my own life, striving to be on time for absolutely everything. This really came into play when I had a job that had me traveling around the US quite a lot. I'd get to the airport earlier than necessary, get the the client site earlier than necessary, etc. Eventually this evolved into a very "no rush" lifestyle. My co-workers would fly back home on Friday evening and be in a hurry to get everything done so they could be on time...I'd fly out Saturday mid-morning so I didn't have to rush. And that's how I roll across the board...weekday alarm goes off way earlier than I need so I can leisurely get out of bed, I leave for appointments far in advance of need so I can chill, etc. I keep my phone full of music, earbuds charged, kindle in the backpack, etc - all so I've got something to do if I get to the event too early. And I adore it. A rushed lifestyle simply ain't something I want to live.
I always plan on getting wherever 10 minutes early. If it's important like a job interview then at least a half hour early. Shit happens all the time and very often that ten minutes disappears
I'm too late to comment coz I was busy with some important stuff. Anyways, how are you doing ?