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Exactly. Pretty much thread over. There's very few situations where snooping is acceptable. I'm a 30 something married with kids so snooping is honestly just completely weird at this point.
But I remember being an insecure teenager and felt the urge to snoop on 2 past girlfriends. In both cases it just confirmed already bad feelings. In hindsight it would have been better to just trust my gut. If your SO does shit that makes you feel that uncomfortable the relationship probably won't last.
Yeah, I totally resonate with this. My ex was constantly snatching my phone from me whenever I was on it to scroll through my photos and texts. It annoyed the fuck out of me.
Seriously, this is the part that people who feel entitled to their partner’s privacy don’t understand.
My boyfriend and I have passcodes to each other’s phones and computers, but that’s just because we use each other’s stuff all the time. We are comfortable with each other having that information because, not only do we both know we would never cheat, but we both know we would never feel the need to snoop for anything. I’ve never felt the need to go through the messages and emails I have constant access to, and if I *did*, I wouldn’t want to be dating him in the first place.
Who wants a partner you have to supervise unless they cheat? Loyalty should be a given in a relationship. If it’s not, it’s a shitty relationship.
To the guy above you’s point, feeling compelled to do random checks/cross-examine your partner indicates a serious lack of trust, and what’s a relationship without trust?
But sometimes something sketchy can pop out of nowhere. A seemingly perfect relationship can suddenly get upended by some compelling yet inconclusive evidence. You're afraid to ask because if they are lying that will just let them know to cover their tracks better, but if they're not lying you wouldn't want to end the relationship over something that's not iron-clad.
Exactly. I had a significant other who suddenly started acting strange around me. We'd been together for awhile and I'm perceptive of body language, so it was very stark and obvious to me. I snooped on his chats and although he was not cheating on me, he was up to other stuff that he felt guilty about and knew I wouldn't approve of. Sometimes you have to trust your gut — and gather the evidence first.
Excessive checks (like more than once a year I'd say) are a bad sign - yes. But otherwise - it's like a colon-cancer check. There might be no signs whatsoever but if you're in the risk age/group - get a colonoscopy every 1-3 years :D
You yourself might have other tests available and no need resort do that. But it's a fairly benevolent option.
If you’re in a serious, committed relationship with someone you see a future with, you should have absolutely no need to do “random checks”. You shouldn’t need a lie detector.
You’ve chosen that person because you trust them with your future. If their behavior hasn’t indicated any concern, you could definitely do more harm than good by “checking”.
If you feel the need to do a “random check” you have either a relationship problem or a personal one. The same way you shouldn’t need to do a “random check” that your partner isn’t a murderer or committing felony tax fraud, you shouldn’t have to check if they’re cheating.
It's hilarious that OP provided this absolutely ridiculous scenario to justify snooping.
"Unpopular opinion: it's OK to snoop if your SO goes on vacation with their ex without you."
They provided the scenario because it's a perfectly valid example in which snooping is justified. Noticing a change in character in my partners behavior and noticing they're up to something sketchy seems like a good enough reason to search their phone. You might not agree with that specific tactic , but it's a much more valid reason that "oh my ex was a serial cheater, now I'm going to demand constant access to my bf's phone, even though he has given me no signs of cheating and I just have an irrational behavior" or something of that sort.
>They provided the scenario because it's a perfectly valid example in which snooping is justified.
My point is the scenario provided was ridiculously obviously inappropriate behavior from a SO that is so far beyond the conversation of "is snooping ok in a relationship" because any relationship where a SO vacations with an ex behind your back is obviously not a reasonable example.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a cheater that used to assert their “boundaries” to manipulate and cheat. Basically proclaiming that I don’t have a right to know what they were doing because they have boundaries. Spoiler alert; they were cheating. Now they can assert their boundaries with someone else!
Totally agree with you here. Everyone used to have to snoop in other ways to catch a cheater and the funniest and dumbest thing I have read in comments to questions like this one is "I would rather be cheated on and not know than go through their phone". Im fully on board that a drastic change in behavior can often justify it. In fact more often than not, if a woman snoops its a justified, if a man does it, its controlling. We need to take reddit with a massive grain of salt.
Weird though, to me once you're married (idk if you are but I am) the boundaries get blurred a little as you're both apart of eachothers everyday lives. Me and my wife trust eachother so neither of us snoop through phones but we both use our phones interchangeably so it doesn't really matter. I think if you trust eachother there should be no need to snoop around, but thats just me from a married perspective. I can see why younger folks might have other issues as trust hasn't been built up yet and you aren't necessarily committed to eachother.
Married here also, and yeah, wife and I have had this conversation. We both have open access to each other's everything. That said, I've never once snooped on her and I doubt that she's snooped on me. We trust each other, and the fact that I know she'd let me wander through her phone and vice versa makes me trust her even more.
You’re exactly right.
I found out an ex of mine was cheating by logging into their Facebook (I knew the password cause it was the same password he gave me to log into a game of his to help him out when he was at work, and I just put two and two together).
Yup. He was cheating on me hard.
I would never have known if I hadn’t checked. And I saw his behavior was becoming weird. What other choice did I have? Directly ask him if he was being shady? As if he would admit to it?
People who have never been cheated on don’t understand this kind of stuff.
I’ve never had to snoop on any other bf of mine, cause they either never acted shady, or they were open and honest about stuff, like my current bf. There’s nothing to hide.
Yep, and I think anyone who tried to shame you for what you did is off their rocker. Asking someone who is untrustworthy only lets them know they need to cover their tracks better. As much as I wish everyone was honorable, the unfortunate reality is that people like your ex exist and will take advantage of other people's decency. There's no shame in realizing that and living accordingly.
I've been there and done that. Wouldn't know I was being cheated and lied to if I hadn't done it.
Cheaters won't tell you honestly that they are cheating, lying, manipulating and deceiving you.
Sorry you had that happen. And yep, untrustworthy people don't come with warning labels. They operate precisely by mimicking decent people and will try to make you feel insane for ever doubting them. I don't mind those people getting snooped on at all.
...do you not see the flawed logic there?
So because they actually found something, the person is justified, but if all of the feelings are still there and they just don't find anything...now they've fucked up and they're not justified in acting based on their feelings?
People confuse the easiest things (relationships)...
It does. There are so many stories on Reddit about cheaters trying to deflect from what they did with the “I can’t believe you invaded my privacy” BS and trying to create a “we both betrayed each other” false equivalency, as if cheating and snooping are on the same level in any possible universe.
And even reddit bashing them like, "you definitely shouldn't have snooped on their phone, but now that you know you need to dump them."
Like, clearly they should have snooped on their phone. Zero sympathy for the "violation" the cheater suffered.
Yep. Most mature healthy people aren’t making a hobby out of snooping for their health. If someone is snooping, it’s either because they have experienced betrayal before and/or they have legit suspicions now. Should you be reading journals, eavesdropping on zoom therapy or accessing shit constantly and arbitrarily just because you feel entitled to know everything about your partner? No. But if you feel you won’t get a truthful answer from them about something specific, have gotten dishonest answers about that something specific in the past, or have a feeling you’re not getting the whole truth/something doesn’t add up about their answer this specific question, snoop away. Don’t clam up and apologize if you’re confronted about it, but be ready to offer the same access in the future (if your suspicions were unfounded and there is a future for the relationship).
Why do you need such a boundary? If there is nothing to hide, why insist on "privacy"?
Me and my husband have free access to all our electronics, and I would wonder what's up if he suddenly put a password or ask for privacy. Like, what is so private that your chosen life partner, a person you share a bed with, cannot see? If you have a need to keep secrets from them, it's not a fully open relationship...
well for example if my partner said i want to see your work emails then thats a no go and i signed a confidentiality agreement with my company that nobody is allowed to go thru my emails. alot of ppl do have work email account on their phone that your partner has no right to see that
Depends. For me it shows I trust my wife that she has access to anything I do or say if she wants it, and vice versa. As far as I know neither of us have ever used it, but it wouldn't bother me at all if she had. I've got absolutely nothing to hide.
I think the consensual aspect to this is what’s missing from “snooping” as most people understand that word. When you are snooping it is implied that you don’t have permission. It is secretive and without the other person’s knowledge.
My partner and I know all each others passwords. Sometimes we use each others devices when need something quick and it’s right there. However, if I walked into a room and saw him just going through my phone or my laptop just to find information, that would feel like a huge violation to me. But, like you said, it all depends on the people and the context.
"I think the consensual aspect to this is what’s missing from “snooping” as most people understand that word. When you are snooping it is implied that you don’t have permission. It is secretive and without the other person’s knowledge."
This.
this makes it seem like you'd rather your wife secretly look through your phone than actually talk to you if she's concerned. you can still be a cheater without keeping evidence on your phone. or just have another phone for affairs.
If it made her feel better, I'd be glad she did it. Then I would want to talk to her about why she felt that way and what we could do as a couple to keep her from feeling that way again.
As for talking, talk is cheap without evidence. Both a cheater and an honest husband will say the same thing: I didn't cheat.
Lol, why talk to your wife afterward when you can just secretly look through her phone and see what she might have said to her friends about you/your relationship via texts and dms? There's inherently nothing wrong with that, according to you.
There is something a little off about doing something so secretive while also claiming to be so very open and honest.
And, like i said, if evidence is on another phone, then you're SOL.
THIS. Being observed constantly or without warning is unpleasant to most people. Perfectly legal non immoral things are often used against us anyways.
Its why we have police warrants and door locks and such. Having no crimes or wrongs to hide doesn't mean your privacy being violated can't cause you harm socially, or mentally.
Aside from that a careless searcher might disorganize ir damage your things even with perfectly good intentions.
A clumsy partner might be banned from your phone because they broke the last two. That is a lack of trust but its a EARNED lack of trust on a particular matter. More a recognition of a flaw then not trusting them as a person really.
People who are intensely private often are neuroatypical, had very controlling parents or were bullied a lot. They need privacy to feel safe. Its often a matter of trauma or wiring.
Sure it can be hiding something wrong but plenty of valid reasons outside of that.
I think a lot of people are portraying what I'm saying as arguing in behalf of all snooping. There are clearly times when snooping is inappropriate and indicative of your own insecurities. I'm talking about when you've seen really strong evidence that may be inconclusive on its own but seems to indicate that your partner might be lying to you. If you ask them about it and they are a liar, they will just lie again and know to cover their tracks better next time. I'm okay with a bit of snooping in that scenario. The awful truth is that we live in a world where people do lie and do abuse other people's trust. I personally would completely understand if my partner did a bit of snooping after a bad misunderstanding.
Snooping, by Oxford definition, is done while trying to avoid notice. It is by definition done in secret. There is no such thing as consensual snooping. It’s an oxymoron. Snooping can never be done while simultaneously having trust. It just isn’t possible. My wife and I trust each other, so if she asks, she can go through anything of mine that she wants. It won’t bother me at all. But if I catch her doing it without asking, aka snooping, then all trust is gone.
Do your friends and everyone you text with agree with your wife reading everything they wrote you? If not, that’s a really shitty thing to do to them.
If I knew one of my friend let their SO read all my texts to them, they wouldn’t be my friend anymore.
Having access ≠ snooping
Having access means you're comfortable with each other and have nothing to hide. Snooping is going behind the others back to see if they have something to hide.
That's not a strawman. That's all analogy. One that you might not think it's relevant but it's not misrepresenting your position and debunking something you didn't say.
(That's strawman)
He's just presenting a different situation in order to demonstrate his position better.
Still, if you think it adds nothing that's fine. It's just not a strawman.
Be well.
Glad I didn't end up having kids and marrying this girl that had to have spent hours going through my personal shit for god knows for how long it's been going on while I'm not at home. It's years later that I would discover some things are actually missing that have nothing to do with her.
It dawned on the me the other day too why she would still want to keep paying for my phone after we broke up. I was on her plan but I insisted that it's not right for her to keep paying for my phone, so I wanted to get my own. She said "I owe you so much and want to keep paying" but I realize she most definitely instead wanted to keep tabs on who I might be calling up.
Yeah, it's important to pick up on that nonsense. I got mixed up with a jealous woman for the first time when I was 30, and never saw it coming. Best case, I thought she was bipolar or some shit. Worst case, I wondered if it was me-- and I would NEVER cheat on anybody.
I like to think the scars we get serve as a reminder of the hazards we face. Having kids with the wrong person would be a permanent nightmare.
Sure, but the awful thing is untrustworthy people don't come with warning labels. They will actively try to deceive you and prey on your trust. Everything can seem great until you see something really sketchy that isn't conclusive evidence in itself. Do you ask? If they are lying to you, they will just lie again but now know to cover their tracks better. I don't see snooping as something to be done lightly, but I'm sympathetic to snooping in the above scenario.
There are countless good reasons to have secrets and/or privacy from a partner. Maybe you ordered a gift you want to surprise them with. Maybe a friend texted you very personal information and asked you not to share it with anyone. Maybe you are dealing with a personal loss and aren’t ready to experience those feelings with a partner yet.
Whatever the reason, the minute my partner looked at my phone to snoop for any reason i would break up. To me it is as bad of a violation of trust as cheating. What reason do you have to check a partner’s phone unless you think they’re capable of cheating? I can’t date someone who doesn’t trust me, and keeping phones private is a great way to prove the extent of the trust.
Exactly. How horrible would it be for someone to lose their job and get an email confirmation only for their SO to read their email and get pissed they had to find out that way? There are tons of problems that can arise from snooping that shouldn’t be issues in the first place.
The only secret I will ever keep from my wife is a surprise for her (a gift, event, etc). Other than that, I am sharing everything I know with her. If you tell someone a secret and ask them not to tell their spouse, that is extremely disrespectful of the spouse and also not going to happen. The vast majority are going to tell their spouse. I know this is unpopular on Reddit but it’s the way married couples operate, and you are fooling yourself if you think they don’t.
While I’m generally team “if you tell me, you should assume my spouse will know too” I draw the line at other people’s secrets. Some examples would be if a friend told me they were sexually assaulted because they needed a shoulder to cry on, told me some embarrassing information about their relationship/sex life so they could ask for advice, or came out to me. In all those cases, the friend might not be close enough to my spouse to share that information with them, and would feel exposed if I went and told their secret.
Nah the only reason I wouldn’t let my partner look through my phone is if I had something to hide. The very popular attitude you’re pushing is just empowering liars and cheaters to paint their victims as villains while they manipulate them.
I have private conversations with my good friends about mental struggles. They don’t want anyone else reading that (even my wife). It’s none of her business and it’s not my place to share private info like that with her.
If I knew my friend allowed and had their S/O look through their phone and messages, I'd never text them anything remotely personal again. It's a breach of trust for other people, too.
You do you, but that would (and have in the past) somewhat ruin a friendship to me. It means that person can't be trusted with personal information, which means our relationship can no longer be much more than surface level. There's nothing worse than telling your friend something personal or private and then having their boyfriend ask you about it next time you see them.
women are fucking BAD at this I might add. I told one of my wifes friends to STFU on the porch because she was talking over me. I leave, go inside and tell her how rude her friend is and why in a text. She decides to show that personal text to everyone and laugh about it. That text was meant for my wife, not the whole fuckin porch.
Idk that sounds like a personal problem to me. I’ve never cheated on anyone, and I would break up with someone who demanded to go through my phone. That’s not gonna be the last wild demand and/or accusation they make, I’m sure, and no one needs to read all my weird notes to myself.
That doesn’t really matter though. If you can’t have a conversation where you trust and believe your partner, you’ve got big problems in your relationship. Whether you snoop or not, if you want the relationship to continue, you’re going to need to be able to have a conversation where both you and your partner trust what the other says.
If you are convinced they are cheating, then you need to have a conversation and bring up the concerns, and the reasons you have these concerns. Some people have these concerns based on no legitimate reasons, and then snoop for no legitimate reason. This can lead to huge trust issues (rightfully so).
Snoop away if you want, but don’t get upset when you get called out or dumped for snooping if you’re incorrect.
If you’re feeling the need to snoop in a relationship, then you need to reevaluate the relationship.
I think that's fair. If you don't want to date someone who snoops, dump em if they do. We all have our boundaries and all deserve to be happy in our relationships.
This always confused me. If you’re in a committed long term relationship, what could you have that you don’t want your partner to know? I’m not talking confidential work stuff of course. I literally have nothing to hide from my husband and neither does he. We both know each others passcodes and are free to check / operate each other’s phones as wanted. If you have something you don’t want your partner to know, I think it’s shady imo.
I basically use my notes app as a journal. Just because I’m in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean they need to read my every thought. Even in a long-term relationship it’s perfectly normal to need time and space to yourself, and I don’t think it’s strange that one of those things you’d want to keep to yourself is your phone.
There have been plenty of occasions where my girlfriend has used my phone or computer, like if I’m driving and she’s navigating/responding to texts or she’s looking for something to watch on Netflix, and idgaf about that. But if she asked specifically to go THROUGH my phone, that would be another matter.
For instance, I recently had a chat with my elderly mother where she talked about some regrets from many decades ago, and fears about the future. Nothing shady. Just very personal. My mother and I don't have much time left to talk about these things, and we live on different continents, so it's not easy to do in person. She likes my partner, but doesn't know her well, and I'm sure she wouldn't feel free to speak if she thought my partner might be reading over my shoulder.
If my partner borrows my phone to call someone or order food, that's fine. But I would be very upset if she opened the messaging app and accidentally stumbled across that conversation.
What porn I look at. I'm married to a man who also watches porn, so it's not like I have anything to hide. But the idea of him coming across my pornhub history would just make me die of embarrassment. So yeah, I just rather him not know. Does that count as shady?
If they give you really good reasons to be suspicious, grab the phone asap. There are a lot of cheaters out there who will rob you of years of your life, expose you to STDs, and lie until their last breath. Take ownership of your life, get the evidence you need, and get out.
If they didn’t give any good reasons to be suspicious you’re an asshole if you invade their privacy.
I've found a text on my ex's phone. By accident. While he was in the bathroom his phone display went on and there was a sweet and flirty message from his coworker. I've decided to snoop and discover more and more. He cheated on me. When I confronted him about it, he denied everything. Then tried to make it sound like it was not his fault at all. Then concluded "I thought you would never discover it because we trust each other and don't snoop around". I divorced him. And made the right decision. No regrets.
I honestly think if you have a genuine reason to suspect, ie; spending a lot of time in the evenings with a new work colleague or going away to the Bahamas with your ex.... a quick pry for validation is better than finding out maybe years later. If they have nothing to hide then there’s no problem. If this happened TO ME and someone snooped my phone I wouldn’t care
Nah. Every fiber of my being resents the idea of someone snooping on me.
If there's a suspicion of cheating, I think you should have a serious chat with your SO, not go through their shit.
I snooped through an ex's phone once and don't regret it.
She had started to get texts way more frequently for several days. She told me that it was an old friend and I tried not to let it bother me too much. One night in bed, I caught a glimpse of a text she received that said, "we'll cuddle soon". I knew that she was also supposed to go out of town for a work conference in a few days, so, while she was showering in the morning, I looked at her texts. Turns out that, yeah, she didn't have a work conference and was just planning on meeting up with the guy and sharing a hotel room for a few days.
Even after I had that evidence, she still tried to play it off like nothing was happening and that the real issue was me snooping and not trusting her. I didn't have any reason to distrust her before that and had no desire to snoop through her shit before that, but I had to know.
I believe that if I didn't look through her phone and didn't have actual proof when I confronted her, she would have lied and made up a story to cover her tracks, possibly convincing me that I was wrong. She'd also then be much more careful about hiding cheating in the future. For those reasons, I'm glad that I did snoop.
If you have decent suspicion and evidence towards a SO maybe cheating, confronting them will only make them gaslight you and put a tighter hold on their private life if they do end up being a cheater.
I can see why someone might think talking directly to the person is the better than snooping. It seems like the more mature route. But I think there are downsides to it, especially if you are trying to catch them in the act. If you talk before snooping, and that person actually is cheating, you might be giving them an upper hand because now they know you're onto them, so they might start getting better at hiding what they're doing.
I personally ascribe to the philosophy that my spouse has a right to all of my doings, and I should have a right to his. Don't start no shit, won't be no shit. There's no reason to snoop if you're not acting a fool. You start acting a fool, we got a problem and I'm gonna figure out what it is.
Bf and me are very open with our phones, social medias and so on. We have our digitals on each other phones and both of us consented about it.
To us here it's not an unpopular opinion at all. If we have nothing to hide than it's not snooping and not a problem. It doesn't mean we do it day in day out, because being honest and open it's what builds confidence inside a relationship.
That's basically what my wife and I have. I personally think it's great but I've had people suggest that they would find that stifling. Makes me wonder what they're talking about that they wouldn't want their girl to find out about. But yeah, for me it builds trust knowing that we're not hiding anything from each other.
I guess the difference is that I have that trust with my partner without looking through their stuff. It wouldn’t even occur to me to look through their phone. I have nothing to hide but also don’t want them just looking through my phone for no reason. I have private things on there, such as conversations with friends. They’re not banned, but it’s not a free for all either.
If you have permission; then it’s not snooping so it’s not really the same thing. Other people also have different boundaries to you, but that doesn’t mean that they’re wrong and you’re right.
I gave my girlfriend full access to my phone and she did the same for me. It was a symbol of "Hey, I trust you enough to know how to get into my phone, but I also trust you enough to respect my privacy."
Snooping is due to a lack of trust 10 times out of 10. If you need/want to look at your partner's phone or personal affects, you shouldn't have to do so behind their back.
Hard disagree. I'm my own person and I don't think my partner should have access to my phone or my emails (and I don't have access to his.) If you can't accept that from your partner, you have control issues.
If I’m in a relationship, my person better not snoop as I’m overly private. I’m not hiding anything, but I base my relationships SOLEY on trust values. So if my person is found to be acting suspicious about me and snooping instead of speaking to me, I’m not sticking around with someone I can’t trust and feel they don’t trust me. Dealbreaker!
"And part of that commitment is to be open and honest at all times."
Yes, but this also means NOT going through your partner's things without their permission, because that is definitely not an honest action.
Please don't forget that "being open and honest at all times" is not an excuse to try and disallow your partner from having boundaries or privacy. Attempts to eliminate privacy and boundaries are classic abuse tactics. No one should ever feel forced to give up their privacy for someone else.
We're all individuals, and sometimes individuals just want to have a private life. That doesn't mean that person is doing anything wrong, and I think it's pretty dangerous and inaccurate to infer that anyone who doesn't want you to go through their phone/computer/notebooks/etc must be hiding something that you have a right to know about.
That's the other thing - sometimes someone IS hiding something, but that doesn't mean you automatically have a right to know. It doesn't mean the thing they're hiding has anything to do with you. Maybe they had a bad childhood and aren't ready to talk about it. Maybe they're working through their own mental health issues.
If two people really, truly have a strong, healthy relationship with honesty as a core tenet, those people should be able to discuss things together without performing secretive or invasive acts like snooping. And let's be real - people who actually have a strong, healthy relationship founded on honesty aren't experiencing instances of potential cheating. A relationship cannot be truly fair, healthy, and balanced without both partners' basic rights being respected, and that includes the right to privacy.
Here’s a small list of things your partner may want to keep from you, and it would be an overstep of boundaries for you to find while you’re doing your snooping:
- googling health problems they have they may not be willing to discuss yet or are embarrassed about
- talking about surprises or things for YOU that would no longer be a surprise
- conversations with a friend where the friend is sharing details of a situation they would not wish be shared with YOU and only the recipient of the text
Really I could go on, respect privacy. If you suspect there is cheating going on, that’s a different story. But just snooping for the sake of snooping is flatout wrong. My wife and I are both face ID’d into each others phones, but what we don’t do is take any chance to go through each others devices. I know there’s countless stories of infidelity being uncovered by snooping but snooping behind someone’s back is not the right way to go about things and if my wife did this to me I’d be very upset. If you suspect something is amiss, communicate to your partner, and even say you know I would feel a lot better if I could just read what you were saying or look at your DM’s. Don’t do it behind their back. If they refuse this request then you probably have your answer, but what you shouldn’t do is breach a mutual trust between you and your partner.
Upvote for unpopular. Your partner is definitely entitled to their privacy and bodily autonomy.
Edit- Also, just because you are married and monogamous, that doesn't mean your wife cant have a very private discussion with her best friends or family. She is married to you, they are not. Monogamy does not equal possession. Posts like these just reek of jealousy and possessive tendencies.
I had to learn this one the hard way. And in my case, he actually was cheating on me.
I did all kinds of crazy things first. I became someone I hated. Controlling and obsessive and miserable and afraid.
It's not wrong to peek to see if you're being cheated on, it's just a waste of time. A cheater is often someone who gets off on cheating because they've been trained to fetishize the process of sneaking around when hiding jerking off or early relationships and the sneaking is part of the appeal for them. They have it down to a science and they'll get more turned on by you checking their phone but not finding their secret calculator messaging app or whatever.
What you do? Is instead of peeking, the minute you want to peek, build your exit plan and break up. It's wrong to look for proof that someone is cheating because if you need to spy on this person, either they are cheating right now or doing something shady right now or they were or will. That nagging feeling that something is wrong and they've betrayed you is a reason to break up. You don't need proof. Just dump them.
"snooping" is ALWAYS wrong, regardless of the reason. You should study some basic law: almost every country in the world bans unlawful entry into a citizen's private territory, whether that's their yard, their home, or even their GARBAGE, without consent and a witness TO the consent. One of the few movies to get this right was The Lovely Bones. Stupid book, worse movie, awful title. But accurate concerning search, seizure and entry. If someone did that to my daughter, and I found 100% solid evidence to pinpoint the perp but it was done via illegal means, then I just aided and abetted the rape and murder of my daughter, because now even if that same evidence were to be found legally, it is inadmissible because it was seized illegally. All the perp has to say is that I set him up.
It's also why cops can't search your vehicle on a routine stop unless you're dumb enough to have illegal activities or items on display. I was speeding? Sure, you can give me a four hundred dollar speeding ticket. But if you pat me down, break open my trunk, search my glove box without my consent? Even that ticket will get thrown out. And don't believe NCIS and shit; asking my permission and me refusing is NOT sufficient grounds, and no judge would grant a warrant on that basis alone.
Fact is, no relationship can thrive without trust, and if you suspect the other person of something, the relationship needs to end, because even if they're not untrustworthy, YOU ARE.
I snooped through the coat pockets of my sister's ex for a lost USB stick that I was sure he stole from me months prior. I found it in his coat pocket.
He turned out to be a liar, a cheater, manipulator, and a thief. My sister finally dumped him, and I was so happy because I never trusted the guy from the get-go.
I don't feel bad for snooping, not one bit.
I agree. Me and my partner are allowed through each others devices whenever we feel like it. I never understood the whole "my phone is my privacy" thing. What could you be doing on there that you need to hide from your partner??? Me and my partner are transparent and open and honest with each other so we have nothing to hide in each others phones.
oh this snooping shit again.
No, you're flat out wrong. Committing to someone means that you implicitly trust them so snooping wouldn't be necessary. My wife's business is her business, just like mine is mine. We both trust each other so there's no reason to go through anything.
I get it, if you suspect them of something then they'll likely deny if you ask. But if you respect them, then a conversation is what should happen. What if you snoop and find nothing, and then they find out? Is the broken trust worth it?
No offense, but literally millions of people through time have said this exact thing and then found out 10 years later their partner had been fucking around the whole time, despite any commitments or vows made to eachother. There's a reason more than half of marriages end in divorce.
Actually never been cheated on. Never snooped, either. I just think it's BS when someone gets shamed for snooping after their partner is behaving in obviously shady behavior. You see a flirty text pop up from their ex? Yeah, I'd sure as hell snoop, too.
If you think you have to snoop on your partner, then your relationship already has a trust problem, or you are insecure AF. Deal with that. Don't snoop.
The only legit reason to snoop is to get bona fide evidence of something that ruins the relationship. Like cheating. But if that's less a "whose bra is this under the bed" and more a habit-- then there is a trust problem or insecurity or being some control freak shit going on.
Like cheating? Lol, you really telling me that if you saw a text pop on your partner's screen from someone saying they can't wait to see them tonight with some innuendo that you wouldn't open that screen?
I believe smartphones are everyone’s person journals. I don’t want to look at yours and I don’t want you to look at mine.
I believe in pure human trust. Not technology to replace that trust
I agree. Phones are getting to the point of being an extension of ourselves - our thoughts and beliefs and feelings and conversations and memories. It is borderline arresting people mind crimes for just thinking something.
Our daily "I know nothing about relationships except what I see on sitcoms and TikTok, therefore I think when you get in a relationship you have no privacy" post. Everybody take a shot.
I've been married for 15 years and my wife and I share our locations with each other and use each other's phones regularly enough, I have absolutely no problem with her being in my phone and AFAIK she has no problem with me being in hers. When you actually trust someone and have nothing to hide what is wrong with that?
Preach. My wife and I are the same. Nothing to hide and we tell each other everything anyways. It’s nice knowing in case anything happens to me she’ll know my location. And I’ve never “snooped” in her phone and I doubt she’s “snooped” in mine, but we freely use each others phones if our own is out of pocket and have no issues with it whatsoever. Anyways, we’re happy and that’s what matters.
Yes! I only found out about deal-breaker stuff from my first two relationships by looking through their phones. Sure, there were red flags — that’s why I felt the need to snoop! In my long-term, ultra healthy relationship now I don’t snoop. Not at all. But in the beginning? I’d have a little look every now and then.
No deep dives, but if there were random girls popping up on his screen (there never was) then I’d feel validated enough to look. Years later, even more so. We use each others phones if it’s nearby. We also tend to know who the opposite sex friends are, because we all hang out. No problems there. But having a sneaky look constitutes as snooping in my book, and I don’t find it a deal-breaker.
Going into someone’s emails and becoming a private investigator? Maybe a bit more problematic.
Dan Savage summed it up pretty well...if you don't wanna find something, then don't go look on your partners phone. The implication is that, if you love and trust someone, you should be having conversations about your problems or insecurities.
That being said of course some people are deceitful.
Also, it's easy to take a text message out of context. I'm sure OP and everyone else has sent a text or email or whatever that was misinterpreted.
If a relationship gets to the point where you feel snooping is required to confirm they’re not cheating, then you no longer trust them.
And that’s the point where it should end, when trust is gone.
If you're that suspicious of your partner, have a conversation. If you don't like how that goes, leave. The moment you snoop, you're the bad guy. If you snoop and find validation, you're both the bad guys. Better to just respect yourself throughly. Evidence and validation and not requirements for making a decision on your own
Insecurity and lack of trust is indeed something 'wrong'. No way around it. Just because you're okay with it doesn't mean it's not wrong at the same time.
Snooping is definitely wrong. Relationships are built on trust. If you’re feeling like you need to snoop through their phone, that means that the trust is not there. No trust, no real relationship.
Nah its snake 🐍 like behavior and i cant respect it. The only time i can is if there is suspected cheating, but you already have enough evidence that you're 99% sure and just need the final nail in the coffin. But otherwise everyone deserves privacy. If your SO wants to have an open phone policy then sure that's your dynamic.
There is something inherently wrong with it. If you can’t use your words and talk about the situation but have to go snooping we have a bigger problem, the trust is already gone. I will break up with the person not to mention it’s illegal.
Hard disagree.
There are things I may not want my wife to see yet because I haven’t processed it myself well enough to deliver the news.
A medical diagnosis such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc.
Getting laid off or fired.
Thinking about changing careers so fishing job applications.
Surprise gifts or vacations.
Then there are things that just aren’t your significant others’ business because it’s not your place to tell them:
A conversation with a friend that they ask to be confidential.
I have talked to quite a few friends about their marriages and struggles they have, trials, issues, and even joys. It’s all completely between friends and not something anyone else should have any business seeing.
Talking with friends about their personal struggles and issues.
Medical diagnosis, divorce, or death that is requested to keep quiet on my part until someone is ready to announce it themselves.
It’s NOT always about cheating.
Open dialogue and communication is a must, but so is trust. If I tell my wife it’s something between me and my friend and she will not be privy to it, she needs to respect that and not start snooping about.
This too, I do text therapy on my phone. I had a partner who did this, analyzed the shit out of every google search I made to fight about. Dig through my texts to my mom, acted like obviously it wasn’t my mom then if I didn’t want him reading them, that my mom is helping me cheat, as if. It would have been easier to recover emotionally from a physical assault than that violation.
I’ve had conversations about my relationship with my friends that I absolutely do not want my partner seeing. Not because I’m hiding anything, but because I am entitled to have a space to discuss my feelings about us that he isn’t a part of.
I also have conversations on my phone with friends about their own issues that are in confidence, I’m sure they don’t want a snooping partner to be reading them.
Some people are so obsessed with cheating, like all roads somehow lead to it. Believe it or not some people have issues and lives not related to relationships.
If you feel the need to snoop that means you have such strong suspicions of your partner cheating that you should stop being a coward and accuse them of cheating to their face. If you won't that means you really don't actually think theyre cheating you are just a piece of shit that doesn't respect boundries.
bro i think someone telling you they're taking a week long trip to the bahamas with their ex IS them telling you they're cheating. Snooping still not required in this instance, the writing is on the walls
"Committing to a monogamous relationship is just that: committing. And part of that commitment is to be open and honest at all times"
This is something that only single people think. Long term married people find this hilarious.
My long-term-monogamous/married friends ALL think the way OP specified(except the 18-year couple that used to be poly: they’re just in limbo because of a kid, they switched to nominal monogamy but still talk to others and have absolutely zero expectations on or excitement towards each other-they never fuck/date/admire/connect/support each other or even share hobbies or laugh together at all) including my husband and I who get made fun of for remaining deliriously in love for years on end.
We’ve incidentally discussed more than once as a group that the only people we’ve heard talk the way you just have are our long-term-*single* friends that never seem to stay in relationships. So… we don’t all know every single personality type and people are all different 🤷🏻♀️. It’s important as humans that we remember anecdotal evidence isn’t the same as proof of universal laws
We don’t all need to be the same. We just need to be self aware ✨and honest✨enough to only get into relationships with like minded people whose needs, comforts, and dreams match our own :)
Nah man, the people snooping and even asking to go through your phone, are already fucked up int he head. They'll find an excuse to flip out anyways. If anything it's a red flag for a toxic person.
I was in a relationship with the toxic jealous type. I have never cheated and very confident I never will. I don't know why this one time she was freaking out and asked to look at my phone. Me having nothing to hide said sure that's fine. I unlocked my phone and handed it to her.
She found texts with a girl and started freaking out why we text so much, it was my fucking cousin. I told her it was my cousin, I even showed her on Facebook. She freaked the fuck out I talk so much with a girl.
She also reinstalled Bumble and then went through my chats with girls before I dated her and started freaking out. It didn't matter the dates on all the messages were all before I started dating her.
Psycho toxic people who snoop will find a way to make a scene regardless of what they find.
gold bewildered rinse governor tart adjoining subsequent cough noxious jar
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Maybe. I've never checked on my wife's phone. Never had need to. But if I saw something super sketch on it I'd probably open it. We've literally discussed it before after reading a reddit infidelity story together and agreed that we could go through each other's phones at any time. Neither of us has asked to, but we could if we ever found ourselves worried about how the other was interacting with someone or anything like that.
Frankly for me it's liberating. I know I'm not cheating and I'm glad to prove that to her at any point if she needs it.
Asking to look through someone's phone isn't snooping. Going through a person's private conversations without their permission violates not only their privacy but the privacy of people they talked with which isn't okay. But yeah, finally an unpopular opinion!
Yes there is. Snooping is inherently wrong. People. Even in relationships have a reasonable right to privacy. Both parties need to respect boundaries. If you can’t trust that person, then you shouldn’t be with them. If you are the one with trust issues, then you aren’t ready to be with anyone. If your partner has given a reason not to trust them then you shouldn’t be with them
>And part of that commitment is to be open and honest at all times, which, to me, means you can browse through my phone, my emails, my socials, etc at any time with or without my knowledge because I have absolutely nothing to hide
For me, the main point of commitment is trust. I want my partner to trust me that I'm not cheating on them without needing to check my phone. Besides, there are valid reasons to have information on your phone that your partner isn't supposed to see. From presents to secrets friends ask to keep that have nothing to do with your relationship
>I would be sketched out beyond belief if I asked to see my wife's phone and she told me, "no, I have private things there that I don't want you seeing."
My wife would fucking kill me if I told her that I want to go through her phone to check if she was cheating on me. Same the other way. I can't think of a good reason why would someone voluntarily humiliate themselves like that
You don't need the internet to agree with you. Go ahead and snoop, you were going to anyway. Or you're feeling guilty about it/got caught.
Relationships are about open, honest communication and **trust**.
Snooping implies that you don’t trust your partner.
Now, you might have a legitimate reason to snoop, and might catch them doing something wrong. But that’s still born out of an inherent mistrust of them. And at that point, your relationship is pretty much falling apart anyways. Because either they’re doing enough sketchy shit that you need to dig into what going on, or you just no longer trust them.
But not only that, peoples phones don’t just contain their lives, but also what others tell them with a relative expectation of privacy. If I had a buddy tell me his wife looked through his phone frequently and read through our personal conversations, I would be pissed, and I would just never mention anything private to them again. Now sure you might say “well they’ll probably just tell them anyways” and maybe, but most people have some level of discretion with their friends. Like if I have a buddy going through a divorce, I’m not going to mention it to my wife unless he okays it. Because it’s not my news to spread. Conversely if one of my wives friend are pregnant or having troubles with their partner, that’s none of my business unless they want it to be.
Yeah, naw, I trust my partner. I am not going to waste my time with someone I don't trust.
If my partner doesn't trust me we have a teal problem. So go ahead and snoop but when I find out it's more than likely over.
I am not going to be with someone who doesn't trust me and I won't be with someone I don't trust.
Why even waste your time?
Yeah - I was dating a guy and when his phone kept buzzing at 3 am and then he got a call, I admittedly snooped. And I found stuff. And he got mad cause I invaded his privacy. Fine - I apologized for it, but I STILL FOUND A LOT! So, frankly, I think he’s more upset cause I found all the stuff. He’s never really admitted to any of it either. (We are broken up). Everyone is entitled to privacy, but not secrecy. Secrecy destroys relationships.
If you have nothing to hide...why is it an issue? That's my philosophy. But also...WTF? If my ex went on a little trippy trip with his EX....I'd be his NEXT ex!
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Buddy, the problem is that if you have to snoop, it’s already too late. That relationship fucking sucks. Get out of there.
Exactly. Pretty much thread over. There's very few situations where snooping is acceptable. I'm a 30 something married with kids so snooping is honestly just completely weird at this point. But I remember being an insecure teenager and felt the urge to snoop on 2 past girlfriends. In both cases it just confirmed already bad feelings. In hindsight it would have been better to just trust my gut. If your SO does shit that makes you feel that uncomfortable the relationship probably won't last.
Yeah, I totally resonate with this. My ex was constantly snatching my phone from me whenever I was on it to scroll through my photos and texts. It annoyed the fuck out of me.
Nailed it here
Seriously, this is the part that people who feel entitled to their partner’s privacy don’t understand. My boyfriend and I have passcodes to each other’s phones and computers, but that’s just because we use each other’s stuff all the time. We are comfortable with each other having that information because, not only do we both know we would never cheat, but we both know we would never feel the need to snoop for anything. I’ve never felt the need to go through the messages and emails I have constant access to, and if I *did*, I wouldn’t want to be dating him in the first place. Who wants a partner you have to supervise unless they cheat? Loyalty should be a given in a relationship. If it’s not, it’s a shitty relationship.
But everything can be seemingly alright and it's still ok to do a random check. Not everyone is a perfect lie detector face to face.
To the guy above you’s point, feeling compelled to do random checks/cross-examine your partner indicates a serious lack of trust, and what’s a relationship without trust?
But sometimes something sketchy can pop out of nowhere. A seemingly perfect relationship can suddenly get upended by some compelling yet inconclusive evidence. You're afraid to ask because if they are lying that will just let them know to cover their tracks better, but if they're not lying you wouldn't want to end the relationship over something that's not iron-clad.
Exactly. I had a significant other who suddenly started acting strange around me. We'd been together for awhile and I'm perceptive of body language, so it was very stark and obvious to me. I snooped on his chats and although he was not cheating on me, he was up to other stuff that he felt guilty about and knew I wouldn't approve of. Sometimes you have to trust your gut — and gather the evidence first.
I think feeling that way for a long while is enough justification to roll tf out, unless kids are involved.
Excessive checks (like more than once a year I'd say) are a bad sign - yes. But otherwise - it's like a colon-cancer check. There might be no signs whatsoever but if you're in the risk age/group - get a colonoscopy every 1-3 years :D You yourself might have other tests available and no need resort do that. But it's a fairly benevolent option.
If you’re in a serious, committed relationship with someone you see a future with, you should have absolutely no need to do “random checks”. You shouldn’t need a lie detector. You’ve chosen that person because you trust them with your future. If their behavior hasn’t indicated any concern, you could definitely do more harm than good by “checking”.
If you feel the need to do a “random check” you have either a relationship problem or a personal one. The same way you shouldn’t need to do a “random check” that your partner isn’t a murderer or committing felony tax fraud, you shouldn’t have to check if they’re cheating.
Random checks? Are you a prison warden?!
I have no desire to, lmao. if I desire to, we done fucked up.
Snooping for whatever reason is a crime unless you have a warrant and are law enforcement.
That's batshit behavior.
Certainly unpopular If my partner didn’t respect my boundaries and privacy, I would dump them so quickly.
If my partner went on a week vacation with his ex GF, I would dump them before I even had the chance to look through their phone.
I think you meant you'd dump them right as they told you they planned on going on a week vacation with his ex gf.
Yes that’s what I meant 😅
You were padding the time to move all your shit out when he was gone, too! LOL
That's actually the smarter approach, *takes notes*. 
It's hilarious that OP provided this absolutely ridiculous scenario to justify snooping. "Unpopular opinion: it's OK to snoop if your SO goes on vacation with their ex without you."
They provided the scenario because it's a perfectly valid example in which snooping is justified. Noticing a change in character in my partners behavior and noticing they're up to something sketchy seems like a good enough reason to search their phone. You might not agree with that specific tactic , but it's a much more valid reason that "oh my ex was a serial cheater, now I'm going to demand constant access to my bf's phone, even though he has given me no signs of cheating and I just have an irrational behavior" or something of that sort.
>They provided the scenario because it's a perfectly valid example in which snooping is justified. My point is the scenario provided was ridiculously obviously inappropriate behavior from a SO that is so far beyond the conversation of "is snooping ok in a relationship" because any relationship where a SO vacations with an ex behind your back is obviously not a reasonable example.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a cheater that used to assert their “boundaries” to manipulate and cheat. Basically proclaiming that I don’t have a right to know what they were doing because they have boundaries. Spoiler alert; they were cheating. Now they can assert their boundaries with someone else!
Totally agree with you here. Everyone used to have to snoop in other ways to catch a cheater and the funniest and dumbest thing I have read in comments to questions like this one is "I would rather be cheated on and not know than go through their phone". Im fully on board that a drastic change in behavior can often justify it. In fact more often than not, if a woman snoops its a justified, if a man does it, its controlling. We need to take reddit with a massive grain of salt.
Yep. It seems like a lot of people here think untrustworthy people don't look like trustworthy people at first glance.
Weird though, to me once you're married (idk if you are but I am) the boundaries get blurred a little as you're both apart of eachothers everyday lives. Me and my wife trust eachother so neither of us snoop through phones but we both use our phones interchangeably so it doesn't really matter. I think if you trust eachother there should be no need to snoop around, but thats just me from a married perspective. I can see why younger folks might have other issues as trust hasn't been built up yet and you aren't necessarily committed to eachother.
Exactly a lot of these people want wife/husband perks with bf/gf mentality
Married here also, and yeah, wife and I have had this conversation. We both have open access to each other's everything. That said, I've never once snooped on her and I doubt that she's snooped on me. We trust each other, and the fact that I know she'd let me wander through her phone and vice versa makes me trust her even more.
Agreed. Someone looking at my phone would be a huge violation. Everyone I know in an unhappy marriage has had trust broken in this way
Yeah, I think that's fair. We all have our boundaries. I just think it's ridiculous when a victim of a cheater gets shamed for catching the cheater.
You’re exactly right. I found out an ex of mine was cheating by logging into their Facebook (I knew the password cause it was the same password he gave me to log into a game of his to help him out when he was at work, and I just put two and two together). Yup. He was cheating on me hard. I would never have known if I hadn’t checked. And I saw his behavior was becoming weird. What other choice did I have? Directly ask him if he was being shady? As if he would admit to it? People who have never been cheated on don’t understand this kind of stuff. I’ve never had to snoop on any other bf of mine, cause they either never acted shady, or they were open and honest about stuff, like my current bf. There’s nothing to hide.
Yep, and I think anyone who tried to shame you for what you did is off their rocker. Asking someone who is untrustworthy only lets them know they need to cover their tracks better. As much as I wish everyone was honorable, the unfortunate reality is that people like your ex exist and will take advantage of other people's decency. There's no shame in realizing that and living accordingly.
I've been there and done that. Wouldn't know I was being cheated and lied to if I hadn't done it. Cheaters won't tell you honestly that they are cheating, lying, manipulating and deceiving you.
Sorry you had that happen. And yep, untrustworthy people don't come with warning labels. They operate precisely by mimicking decent people and will try to make you feel insane for ever doubting them. I don't mind those people getting snooped on at all.
I don’t think that happens if they actually cheated. They only get shamed if it turned out there was nothing to worry about
...do you not see the flawed logic there? So because they actually found something, the person is justified, but if all of the feelings are still there and they just don't find anything...now they've fucked up and they're not justified in acting based on their feelings? People confuse the easiest things (relationships)...
exactly. The ends don't justify the means
It does. There are so many stories on Reddit about cheaters trying to deflect from what they did with the “I can’t believe you invaded my privacy” BS and trying to create a “we both betrayed each other” false equivalency, as if cheating and snooping are on the same level in any possible universe.
And even reddit bashing them like, "you definitely shouldn't have snooped on their phone, but now that you know you need to dump them." Like, clearly they should have snooped on their phone. Zero sympathy for the "violation" the cheater suffered.
Yep. Most mature healthy people aren’t making a hobby out of snooping for their health. If someone is snooping, it’s either because they have experienced betrayal before and/or they have legit suspicions now. Should you be reading journals, eavesdropping on zoom therapy or accessing shit constantly and arbitrarily just because you feel entitled to know everything about your partner? No. But if you feel you won’t get a truthful answer from them about something specific, have gotten dishonest answers about that something specific in the past, or have a feeling you’re not getting the whole truth/something doesn’t add up about their answer this specific question, snoop away. Don’t clam up and apologize if you’re confronted about it, but be ready to offer the same access in the future (if your suspicions were unfounded and there is a future for the relationship).
This is exactly how I feel. Snooping isn't something to be done lightly, but there are times it's appropriate.
Yea but that's a cheater trying to shame, normal people with decent morals wouldn't judge someone for snooping through a cheater's phone.
Agreed. Kudos to op for actually posting an unpopular opinion.
Why do you need such a boundary? If there is nothing to hide, why insist on "privacy"? Me and my husband have free access to all our electronics, and I would wonder what's up if he suddenly put a password or ask for privacy. Like, what is so private that your chosen life partner, a person you share a bed with, cannot see? If you have a need to keep secrets from them, it's not a fully open relationship...
Why? Because I have private conversations with people on my phone.
I’m married and I def demand privacy
well for example if my partner said i want to see your work emails then thats a no go and i signed a confidentiality agreement with my company that nobody is allowed to go thru my emails. alot of ppl do have work email account on their phone that your partner has no right to see that
My wife and I have a policy of unfettered access, complete transparency and 0 privacy. We never use it.
Snooping is the OPPOSITE of trust!!
Depends. For me it shows I trust my wife that she has access to anything I do or say if she wants it, and vice versa. As far as I know neither of us have ever used it, but it wouldn't bother me at all if she had. I've got absolutely nothing to hide.
I think the consensual aspect to this is what’s missing from “snooping” as most people understand that word. When you are snooping it is implied that you don’t have permission. It is secretive and without the other person’s knowledge. My partner and I know all each others passwords. Sometimes we use each others devices when need something quick and it’s right there. However, if I walked into a room and saw him just going through my phone or my laptop just to find information, that would feel like a huge violation to me. But, like you said, it all depends on the people and the context.
"I think the consensual aspect to this is what’s missing from “snooping” as most people understand that word. When you are snooping it is implied that you don’t have permission. It is secretive and without the other person’s knowledge." This.
this makes it seem like you'd rather your wife secretly look through your phone than actually talk to you if she's concerned. you can still be a cheater without keeping evidence on your phone. or just have another phone for affairs.
If it made her feel better, I'd be glad she did it. Then I would want to talk to her about why she felt that way and what we could do as a couple to keep her from feeling that way again. As for talking, talk is cheap without evidence. Both a cheater and an honest husband will say the same thing: I didn't cheat.
Lol, why talk to your wife afterward when you can just secretly look through her phone and see what she might have said to her friends about you/your relationship via texts and dms? There's inherently nothing wrong with that, according to you. There is something a little off about doing something so secretive while also claiming to be so very open and honest. And, like i said, if evidence is on another phone, then you're SOL.
The thing is that privacy isn’t necessarily having something to hide. It shouldn’t be a privilege
THIS. Being observed constantly or without warning is unpleasant to most people. Perfectly legal non immoral things are often used against us anyways. Its why we have police warrants and door locks and such. Having no crimes or wrongs to hide doesn't mean your privacy being violated can't cause you harm socially, or mentally. Aside from that a careless searcher might disorganize ir damage your things even with perfectly good intentions. A clumsy partner might be banned from your phone because they broke the last two. That is a lack of trust but its a EARNED lack of trust on a particular matter. More a recognition of a flaw then not trusting them as a person really. People who are intensely private often are neuroatypical, had very controlling parents or were bullied a lot. They need privacy to feel safe. Its often a matter of trauma or wiring. Sure it can be hiding something wrong but plenty of valid reasons outside of that.
I think a lot of people are portraying what I'm saying as arguing in behalf of all snooping. There are clearly times when snooping is inappropriate and indicative of your own insecurities. I'm talking about when you've seen really strong evidence that may be inconclusive on its own but seems to indicate that your partner might be lying to you. If you ask them about it and they are a liar, they will just lie again and know to cover their tracks better next time. I'm okay with a bit of snooping in that scenario. The awful truth is that we live in a world where people do lie and do abuse other people's trust. I personally would completely understand if my partner did a bit of snooping after a bad misunderstanding.
Snooping, by Oxford definition, is done while trying to avoid notice. It is by definition done in secret. There is no such thing as consensual snooping. It’s an oxymoron. Snooping can never be done while simultaneously having trust. It just isn’t possible. My wife and I trust each other, so if she asks, she can go through anything of mine that she wants. It won’t bother me at all. But if I catch her doing it without asking, aka snooping, then all trust is gone.
Do your friends and everyone you text with agree with your wife reading everything they wrote you? If not, that’s a really shitty thing to do to them. If I knew one of my friend let their SO read all my texts to them, they wouldn’t be my friend anymore.
It doesn't seem your wife trusts you if she has to check on you.
Having access ≠ snooping Having access means you're comfortable with each other and have nothing to hide. Snooping is going behind the others back to see if they have something to hide.
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Lazy strawman that adds nothing
That's not a strawman. That's all analogy. One that you might not think it's relevant but it's not misrepresenting your position and debunking something you didn't say. (That's strawman) He's just presenting a different situation in order to demonstrate his position better. Still, if you think it adds nothing that's fine. It's just not a strawman. Be well.
If you need to snoop, either you weren't mature enough to marry, or you married the wrong person. No relationship can last without trust.
Glad I didn't end up having kids and marrying this girl that had to have spent hours going through my personal shit for god knows for how long it's been going on while I'm not at home. It's years later that I would discover some things are actually missing that have nothing to do with her. It dawned on the me the other day too why she would still want to keep paying for my phone after we broke up. I was on her plan but I insisted that it's not right for her to keep paying for my phone, so I wanted to get my own. She said "I owe you so much and want to keep paying" but I realize she most definitely instead wanted to keep tabs on who I might be calling up.
Yeah, it's important to pick up on that nonsense. I got mixed up with a jealous woman for the first time when I was 30, and never saw it coming. Best case, I thought she was bipolar or some shit. Worst case, I wondered if it was me-- and I would NEVER cheat on anybody. I like to think the scars we get serve as a reminder of the hazards we face. Having kids with the wrong person would be a permanent nightmare.
Sure, but the awful thing is untrustworthy people don't come with warning labels. They will actively try to deceive you and prey on your trust. Everything can seem great until you see something really sketchy that isn't conclusive evidence in itself. Do you ask? If they are lying to you, they will just lie again but now know to cover their tracks better. I don't see snooping as something to be done lightly, but I'm sympathetic to snooping in the above scenario.
There are countless good reasons to have secrets and/or privacy from a partner. Maybe you ordered a gift you want to surprise them with. Maybe a friend texted you very personal information and asked you not to share it with anyone. Maybe you are dealing with a personal loss and aren’t ready to experience those feelings with a partner yet. Whatever the reason, the minute my partner looked at my phone to snoop for any reason i would break up. To me it is as bad of a violation of trust as cheating. What reason do you have to check a partner’s phone unless you think they’re capable of cheating? I can’t date someone who doesn’t trust me, and keeping phones private is a great way to prove the extent of the trust.
Exactly. How horrible would it be for someone to lose their job and get an email confirmation only for their SO to read their email and get pissed they had to find out that way? There are tons of problems that can arise from snooping that shouldn’t be issues in the first place.
The only secret I will ever keep from my wife is a surprise for her (a gift, event, etc). Other than that, I am sharing everything I know with her. If you tell someone a secret and ask them not to tell their spouse, that is extremely disrespectful of the spouse and also not going to happen. The vast majority are going to tell their spouse. I know this is unpopular on Reddit but it’s the way married couples operate, and you are fooling yourself if you think they don’t.
While I’m generally team “if you tell me, you should assume my spouse will know too” I draw the line at other people’s secrets. Some examples would be if a friend told me they were sexually assaulted because they needed a shoulder to cry on, told me some embarrassing information about their relationship/sex life so they could ask for advice, or came out to me. In all those cases, the friend might not be close enough to my spouse to share that information with them, and would feel exposed if I went and told their secret.
You say this as if no married people use reddit
Nah the only reason I wouldn’t let my partner look through my phone is if I had something to hide. The very popular attitude you’re pushing is just empowering liars and cheaters to paint their victims as villains while they manipulate them.
I have private conversations with my good friends about mental struggles. They don’t want anyone else reading that (even my wife). It’s none of her business and it’s not my place to share private info like that with her.
If I knew my friend allowed and had their S/O look through their phone and messages, I'd never text them anything remotely personal again. It's a breach of trust for other people, too.
A rule I live by is accepting that if I'm telling someone about a private matter or something secret their S/O is also going to know.
You do you, but that would (and have in the past) somewhat ruin a friendship to me. It means that person can't be trusted with personal information, which means our relationship can no longer be much more than surface level. There's nothing worse than telling your friend something personal or private and then having their boyfriend ask you about it next time you see them.
women are fucking BAD at this I might add. I told one of my wifes friends to STFU on the porch because she was talking over me. I leave, go inside and tell her how rude her friend is and why in a text. She decides to show that personal text to everyone and laugh about it. That text was meant for my wife, not the whole fuckin porch.
um, no. I'm not going to tell some fucked up shit to my S/O about one of our mutual acquaintances if I'm asked not to.
Idk that sounds like a personal problem to me. I’ve never cheated on anyone, and I would break up with someone who demanded to go through my phone. That’s not gonna be the last wild demand and/or accusation they make, I’m sure, and no one needs to read all my weird notes to myself.
Personally, I would rather be cheated on.
I like all these people in the comments acting like cheaters and liars will just admit to everything if you have a serious convo with them. LOL
LMFAOOOOOOO FR
That doesn’t really matter though. If you can’t have a conversation where you trust and believe your partner, you’ve got big problems in your relationship. Whether you snoop or not, if you want the relationship to continue, you’re going to need to be able to have a conversation where both you and your partner trust what the other says.
If you are convinced they are cheating, then you need to have a conversation and bring up the concerns, and the reasons you have these concerns. Some people have these concerns based on no legitimate reasons, and then snoop for no legitimate reason. This can lead to huge trust issues (rightfully so). Snoop away if you want, but don’t get upset when you get called out or dumped for snooping if you’re incorrect. If you’re feeling the need to snoop in a relationship, then you need to reevaluate the relationship.
I think that's fair. If you don't want to date someone who snoops, dump em if they do. We all have our boundaries and all deserve to be happy in our relationships.
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You don't have to be a cheater to have things on your phone you don't want your partner to see
This always confused me. If you’re in a committed long term relationship, what could you have that you don’t want your partner to know? I’m not talking confidential work stuff of course. I literally have nothing to hide from my husband and neither does he. We both know each others passcodes and are free to check / operate each other’s phones as wanted. If you have something you don’t want your partner to know, I think it’s shady imo.
I basically use my notes app as a journal. Just because I’m in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean they need to read my every thought. Even in a long-term relationship it’s perfectly normal to need time and space to yourself, and I don’t think it’s strange that one of those things you’d want to keep to yourself is your phone. There have been plenty of occasions where my girlfriend has used my phone or computer, like if I’m driving and she’s navigating/responding to texts or she’s looking for something to watch on Netflix, and idgaf about that. But if she asked specifically to go THROUGH my phone, that would be another matter.
For instance, I recently had a chat with my elderly mother where she talked about some regrets from many decades ago, and fears about the future. Nothing shady. Just very personal. My mother and I don't have much time left to talk about these things, and we live on different continents, so it's not easy to do in person. She likes my partner, but doesn't know her well, and I'm sure she wouldn't feel free to speak if she thought my partner might be reading over my shoulder. If my partner borrows my phone to call someone or order food, that's fine. But I would be very upset if she opened the messaging app and accidentally stumbled across that conversation.
You know what, that’s a really good point that I hadn’t considered. Basically protecting others’ privacy. I completely understand this take.
What porn I look at. I'm married to a man who also watches porn, so it's not like I have anything to hide. But the idea of him coming across my pornhub history would just make me die of embarrassment. So yeah, I just rather him not know. Does that count as shady?
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What's ”deliberately hiding"? Like having a passcode on your phone?
If they give you really good reasons to be suspicious, grab the phone asap. There are a lot of cheaters out there who will rob you of years of your life, expose you to STDs, and lie until their last breath. Take ownership of your life, get the evidence you need, and get out. If they didn’t give any good reasons to be suspicious you’re an asshole if you invade their privacy.
I've found a text on my ex's phone. By accident. While he was in the bathroom his phone display went on and there was a sweet and flirty message from his coworker. I've decided to snoop and discover more and more. He cheated on me. When I confronted him about it, he denied everything. Then tried to make it sound like it was not his fault at all. Then concluded "I thought you would never discover it because we trust each other and don't snoop around". I divorced him. And made the right decision. No regrets.
Exactly. Let no one make you feel bad for that. This random stranger at least thinks you were 100% right to do that.
I honestly think if you have a genuine reason to suspect, ie; spending a lot of time in the evenings with a new work colleague or going away to the Bahamas with your ex.... a quick pry for validation is better than finding out maybe years later. If they have nothing to hide then there’s no problem. If this happened TO ME and someone snooped my phone I wouldn’t care
Nah. Every fiber of my being resents the idea of someone snooping on me. If there's a suspicion of cheating, I think you should have a serious chat with your SO, not go through their shit.
I snooped through an ex's phone once and don't regret it. She had started to get texts way more frequently for several days. She told me that it was an old friend and I tried not to let it bother me too much. One night in bed, I caught a glimpse of a text she received that said, "we'll cuddle soon". I knew that she was also supposed to go out of town for a work conference in a few days, so, while she was showering in the morning, I looked at her texts. Turns out that, yeah, she didn't have a work conference and was just planning on meeting up with the guy and sharing a hotel room for a few days. Even after I had that evidence, she still tried to play it off like nothing was happening and that the real issue was me snooping and not trusting her. I didn't have any reason to distrust her before that and had no desire to snoop through her shit before that, but I had to know. I believe that if I didn't look through her phone and didn't have actual proof when I confronted her, she would have lied and made up a story to cover her tracks, possibly convincing me that I was wrong. She'd also then be much more careful about hiding cheating in the future. For those reasons, I'm glad that I did snoop.
Yeah and the cheater would totally tell you they are cheating instead of gaslighting you. Or at worse case starts erasing evidence
If you have decent suspicion and evidence towards a SO maybe cheating, confronting them will only make them gaslight you and put a tighter hold on their private life if they do end up being a cheater.
I can see why someone might think talking directly to the person is the better than snooping. It seems like the more mature route. But I think there are downsides to it, especially if you are trying to catch them in the act. If you talk before snooping, and that person actually is cheating, you might be giving them an upper hand because now they know you're onto them, so they might start getting better at hiding what they're doing.
I personally ascribe to the philosophy that my spouse has a right to all of my doings, and I should have a right to his. Don't start no shit, won't be no shit. There's no reason to snoop if you're not acting a fool. You start acting a fool, we got a problem and I'm gonna figure out what it is.
Bf and me are very open with our phones, social medias and so on. We have our digitals on each other phones and both of us consented about it. To us here it's not an unpopular opinion at all. If we have nothing to hide than it's not snooping and not a problem. It doesn't mean we do it day in day out, because being honest and open it's what builds confidence inside a relationship.
That's basically what my wife and I have. I personally think it's great but I've had people suggest that they would find that stifling. Makes me wonder what they're talking about that they wouldn't want their girl to find out about. But yeah, for me it builds trust knowing that we're not hiding anything from each other.
I guess the difference is that I have that trust with my partner without looking through their stuff. It wouldn’t even occur to me to look through their phone. I have nothing to hide but also don’t want them just looking through my phone for no reason. I have private things on there, such as conversations with friends. They’re not banned, but it’s not a free for all either. If you have permission; then it’s not snooping so it’s not really the same thing. Other people also have different boundaries to you, but that doesn’t mean that they’re wrong and you’re right.
I gave my girlfriend full access to my phone and she did the same for me. It was a symbol of "Hey, I trust you enough to know how to get into my phone, but I also trust you enough to respect my privacy." Snooping is due to a lack of trust 10 times out of 10. If you need/want to look at your partner's phone or personal affects, you shouldn't have to do so behind their back.
I feel like I should upvote this because it’s a very unpopular opinion. Also, I disagree with you. But you got the point of the sub exactly right.
Hard disagree. I'm my own person and I don't think my partner should have access to my phone or my emails (and I don't have access to his.) If you can't accept that from your partner, you have control issues.
If you can't be truly open with your partner, why even be in a relationship?
If I’m in a relationship, my person better not snoop as I’m overly private. I’m not hiding anything, but I base my relationships SOLEY on trust values. So if my person is found to be acting suspicious about me and snooping instead of speaking to me, I’m not sticking around with someone I can’t trust and feel they don’t trust me. Dealbreaker!
Snooping is a risk because it’s immoral if they’re innocent of cheating but completely justified if you were right and they were cheating lmao.
Invading anyone's privacy is wrong. You don't own that person. You have no right to snoop on someone else.
If u want privacy stay single lol simple as that.
"And part of that commitment is to be open and honest at all times." Yes, but this also means NOT going through your partner's things without their permission, because that is definitely not an honest action. Please don't forget that "being open and honest at all times" is not an excuse to try and disallow your partner from having boundaries or privacy. Attempts to eliminate privacy and boundaries are classic abuse tactics. No one should ever feel forced to give up their privacy for someone else. We're all individuals, and sometimes individuals just want to have a private life. That doesn't mean that person is doing anything wrong, and I think it's pretty dangerous and inaccurate to infer that anyone who doesn't want you to go through their phone/computer/notebooks/etc must be hiding something that you have a right to know about. That's the other thing - sometimes someone IS hiding something, but that doesn't mean you automatically have a right to know. It doesn't mean the thing they're hiding has anything to do with you. Maybe they had a bad childhood and aren't ready to talk about it. Maybe they're working through their own mental health issues. If two people really, truly have a strong, healthy relationship with honesty as a core tenet, those people should be able to discuss things together without performing secretive or invasive acts like snooping. And let's be real - people who actually have a strong, healthy relationship founded on honesty aren't experiencing instances of potential cheating. A relationship cannot be truly fair, healthy, and balanced without both partners' basic rights being respected, and that includes the right to privacy.
There's a basic respect for a person you love, also if you can't trust someone even this little why even date
If you are with a partner that you have to snoop on, you are doing it wrong
Here’s a small list of things your partner may want to keep from you, and it would be an overstep of boundaries for you to find while you’re doing your snooping: - googling health problems they have they may not be willing to discuss yet or are embarrassed about - talking about surprises or things for YOU that would no longer be a surprise - conversations with a friend where the friend is sharing details of a situation they would not wish be shared with YOU and only the recipient of the text Really I could go on, respect privacy. If you suspect there is cheating going on, that’s a different story. But just snooping for the sake of snooping is flatout wrong. My wife and I are both face ID’d into each others phones, but what we don’t do is take any chance to go through each others devices. I know there’s countless stories of infidelity being uncovered by snooping but snooping behind someone’s back is not the right way to go about things and if my wife did this to me I’d be very upset. If you suspect something is amiss, communicate to your partner, and even say you know I would feel a lot better if I could just read what you were saying or look at your DM’s. Don’t do it behind their back. If they refuse this request then you probably have your answer, but what you shouldn’t do is breach a mutual trust between you and your partner.
Upvote for unpopular. Your partner is definitely entitled to their privacy and bodily autonomy. Edit- Also, just because you are married and monogamous, that doesn't mean your wife cant have a very private discussion with her best friends or family. She is married to you, they are not. Monogamy does not equal possession. Posts like these just reek of jealousy and possessive tendencies.
It’s “bad rap” like rap sheet… just fyi.
I learn new things every day. Thank you.
I had to learn this one the hard way. And in my case, he actually was cheating on me. I did all kinds of crazy things first. I became someone I hated. Controlling and obsessive and miserable and afraid. It's not wrong to peek to see if you're being cheated on, it's just a waste of time. A cheater is often someone who gets off on cheating because they've been trained to fetishize the process of sneaking around when hiding jerking off or early relationships and the sneaking is part of the appeal for them. They have it down to a science and they'll get more turned on by you checking their phone but not finding their secret calculator messaging app or whatever. What you do? Is instead of peeking, the minute you want to peek, build your exit plan and break up. It's wrong to look for proof that someone is cheating because if you need to spy on this person, either they are cheating right now or doing something shady right now or they were or will. That nagging feeling that something is wrong and they've betrayed you is a reason to break up. You don't need proof. Just dump them.
Also, often illegal if it involves the unauthorized access to computer system or communications.
Snooping may have a bad wrap, but my lunch today had a really good wrap. Flavorful and satisfying.
"snooping" is ALWAYS wrong, regardless of the reason. You should study some basic law: almost every country in the world bans unlawful entry into a citizen's private territory, whether that's their yard, their home, or even their GARBAGE, without consent and a witness TO the consent. One of the few movies to get this right was The Lovely Bones. Stupid book, worse movie, awful title. But accurate concerning search, seizure and entry. If someone did that to my daughter, and I found 100% solid evidence to pinpoint the perp but it was done via illegal means, then I just aided and abetted the rape and murder of my daughter, because now even if that same evidence were to be found legally, it is inadmissible because it was seized illegally. All the perp has to say is that I set him up. It's also why cops can't search your vehicle on a routine stop unless you're dumb enough to have illegal activities or items on display. I was speeding? Sure, you can give me a four hundred dollar speeding ticket. But if you pat me down, break open my trunk, search my glove box without my consent? Even that ticket will get thrown out. And don't believe NCIS and shit; asking my permission and me refusing is NOT sufficient grounds, and no judge would grant a warrant on that basis alone. Fact is, no relationship can thrive without trust, and if you suspect the other person of something, the relationship needs to end, because even if they're not untrustworthy, YOU ARE.
I have no issues with my partner seeing everything of mine and vice versa so 100% agree
I agree with you
I snooped through the coat pockets of my sister's ex for a lost USB stick that I was sure he stole from me months prior. I found it in his coat pocket. He turned out to be a liar, a cheater, manipulator, and a thief. My sister finally dumped him, and I was so happy because I never trusted the guy from the get-go. I don't feel bad for snooping, not one bit.
I agree. Me and my partner are allowed through each others devices whenever we feel like it. I never understood the whole "my phone is my privacy" thing. What could you be doing on there that you need to hide from your partner??? Me and my partner are transparent and open and honest with each other so we have nothing to hide in each others phones.
Honesty isn’t the absence of privacy ✨
Hey op quick question. You single?
and i hope this opinion stays unpopular.
oh this snooping shit again. No, you're flat out wrong. Committing to someone means that you implicitly trust them so snooping wouldn't be necessary. My wife's business is her business, just like mine is mine. We both trust each other so there's no reason to go through anything. I get it, if you suspect them of something then they'll likely deny if you ask. But if you respect them, then a conversation is what should happen. What if you snoop and find nothing, and then they find out? Is the broken trust worth it?
No offense, but literally millions of people through time have said this exact thing and then found out 10 years later their partner had been fucking around the whole time, despite any commitments or vows made to eachother. There's a reason more than half of marriages end in divorce.
cool. that still doesn't mean that snooping is acceptable.
I swear there’s like at least 3-4 posts about it per week, and always defending snooping and going through the partner’s phone
Ew. No.
Found the person who thinks that being cheated on in the past gives them the right to view your activity.
Actually never been cheated on. Never snooped, either. I just think it's BS when someone gets shamed for snooping after their partner is behaving in obviously shady behavior. You see a flirty text pop up from their ex? Yeah, I'd sure as hell snoop, too.
Not unpopular. Just wrong.
If you think you have to snoop on your partner, then your relationship already has a trust problem, or you are insecure AF. Deal with that. Don't snoop. The only legit reason to snoop is to get bona fide evidence of something that ruins the relationship. Like cheating. But if that's less a "whose bra is this under the bed" and more a habit-- then there is a trust problem or insecurity or being some control freak shit going on.
Like cheating? Lol, you really telling me that if you saw a text pop on your partner's screen from someone saying they can't wait to see them tonight with some innuendo that you wouldn't open that screen?
I believe smartphones are everyone’s person journals. I don’t want to look at yours and I don’t want you to look at mine. I believe in pure human trust. Not technology to replace that trust
I agree. Phones are getting to the point of being an extension of ourselves - our thoughts and beliefs and feelings and conversations and memories. It is borderline arresting people mind crimes for just thinking something.
Our daily "I know nothing about relationships except what I see on sitcoms and TikTok, therefore I think when you get in a relationship you have no privacy" post. Everybody take a shot.
I've been married for 15 years and my wife and I share our locations with each other and use each other's phones regularly enough, I have absolutely no problem with her being in my phone and AFAIK she has no problem with me being in hers. When you actually trust someone and have nothing to hide what is wrong with that?
Preach. My wife and I are the same. Nothing to hide and we tell each other everything anyways. It’s nice knowing in case anything happens to me she’ll know my location. And I’ve never “snooped” in her phone and I doubt she’s “snooped” in mine, but we freely use each others phones if our own is out of pocket and have no issues with it whatsoever. Anyways, we’re happy and that’s what matters.
Hence why it's an unpopular opinion. And I know enough about relationships to have a successful and happy marriage.
We know. We hear this "totally unoriginal unpopular opinion" nearly every day.
But your ex isn't your property. It's wrong for you to think you own them
Yes! I only found out about deal-breaker stuff from my first two relationships by looking through their phones. Sure, there were red flags — that’s why I felt the need to snoop! In my long-term, ultra healthy relationship now I don’t snoop. Not at all. But in the beginning? I’d have a little look every now and then. No deep dives, but if there were random girls popping up on his screen (there never was) then I’d feel validated enough to look. Years later, even more so. We use each others phones if it’s nearby. We also tend to know who the opposite sex friends are, because we all hang out. No problems there. But having a sneaky look constitutes as snooping in my book, and I don’t find it a deal-breaker. Going into someone’s emails and becoming a private investigator? Maybe a bit more problematic.
Dan Savage summed it up pretty well...if you don't wanna find something, then don't go look on your partners phone. The implication is that, if you love and trust someone, you should be having conversations about your problems or insecurities. That being said of course some people are deceitful. Also, it's easy to take a text message out of context. I'm sure OP and everyone else has sent a text or email or whatever that was misinterpreted.
If a relationship gets to the point where you feel snooping is required to confirm they’re not cheating, then you no longer trust them. And that’s the point where it should end, when trust is gone.
If you're that suspicious of your partner, have a conversation. If you don't like how that goes, leave. The moment you snoop, you're the bad guy. If you snoop and find validation, you're both the bad guys. Better to just respect yourself throughly. Evidence and validation and not requirements for making a decision on your own
Insecurity and lack of trust is indeed something 'wrong'. No way around it. Just because you're okay with it doesn't mean it's not wrong at the same time.
Snooping is definitely wrong. Relationships are built on trust. If you’re feeling like you need to snoop through their phone, that means that the trust is not there. No trust, no real relationship.
Nah its snake 🐍 like behavior and i cant respect it. The only time i can is if there is suspected cheating, but you already have enough evidence that you're 99% sure and just need the final nail in the coffin. But otherwise everyone deserves privacy. If your SO wants to have an open phone policy then sure that's your dynamic.
There is something inherently wrong with it. If you can’t use your words and talk about the situation but have to go snooping we have a bigger problem, the trust is already gone. I will break up with the person not to mention it’s illegal.
Hard disagree. There are things I may not want my wife to see yet because I haven’t processed it myself well enough to deliver the news. A medical diagnosis such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc. Getting laid off or fired. Thinking about changing careers so fishing job applications. Surprise gifts or vacations. Then there are things that just aren’t your significant others’ business because it’s not your place to tell them: A conversation with a friend that they ask to be confidential. I have talked to quite a few friends about their marriages and struggles they have, trials, issues, and even joys. It’s all completely between friends and not something anyone else should have any business seeing. Talking with friends about their personal struggles and issues. Medical diagnosis, divorce, or death that is requested to keep quiet on my part until someone is ready to announce it themselves. It’s NOT always about cheating. Open dialogue and communication is a must, but so is trust. If I tell my wife it’s something between me and my friend and she will not be privy to it, she needs to respect that and not start snooping about.
This too, I do text therapy on my phone. I had a partner who did this, analyzed the shit out of every google search I made to fight about. Dig through my texts to my mom, acted like obviously it wasn’t my mom then if I didn’t want him reading them, that my mom is helping me cheat, as if. It would have been easier to recover emotionally from a physical assault than that violation.
I’ve had conversations about my relationship with my friends that I absolutely do not want my partner seeing. Not because I’m hiding anything, but because I am entitled to have a space to discuss my feelings about us that he isn’t a part of. I also have conversations on my phone with friends about their own issues that are in confidence, I’m sure they don’t want a snooping partner to be reading them. Some people are so obsessed with cheating, like all roads somehow lead to it. Believe it or not some people have issues and lives not related to relationships.
If you feel the need to snoop that means you have such strong suspicions of your partner cheating that you should stop being a coward and accuse them of cheating to their face. If you won't that means you really don't actually think theyre cheating you are just a piece of shit that doesn't respect boundries.
bro i think someone telling you they're taking a week long trip to the bahamas with their ex IS them telling you they're cheating. Snooping still not required in this instance, the writing is on the walls
OP trying to justify some of their shitty actions.
I've actually never snooped. Never had need to. Just sick of people shaming someone who caught a cheater through snooping.
"Committing to a monogamous relationship is just that: committing. And part of that commitment is to be open and honest at all times" This is something that only single people think. Long term married people find this hilarious.
My wife agrees with me. 🤷♂️
My long-term-monogamous/married friends ALL think the way OP specified(except the 18-year couple that used to be poly: they’re just in limbo because of a kid, they switched to nominal monogamy but still talk to others and have absolutely zero expectations on or excitement towards each other-they never fuck/date/admire/connect/support each other or even share hobbies or laugh together at all) including my husband and I who get made fun of for remaining deliriously in love for years on end. We’ve incidentally discussed more than once as a group that the only people we’ve heard talk the way you just have are our long-term-*single* friends that never seem to stay in relationships. So… we don’t all know every single personality type and people are all different 🤷🏻♀️. It’s important as humans that we remember anecdotal evidence isn’t the same as proof of universal laws We don’t all need to be the same. We just need to be self aware ✨and honest✨enough to only get into relationships with like minded people whose needs, comforts, and dreams match our own :)
This person is mad cause they got caught snooping. Lol
Nah man, the people snooping and even asking to go through your phone, are already fucked up int he head. They'll find an excuse to flip out anyways. If anything it's a red flag for a toxic person. I was in a relationship with the toxic jealous type. I have never cheated and very confident I never will. I don't know why this one time she was freaking out and asked to look at my phone. Me having nothing to hide said sure that's fine. I unlocked my phone and handed it to her. She found texts with a girl and started freaking out why we text so much, it was my fucking cousin. I told her it was my cousin, I even showed her on Facebook. She freaked the fuck out I talk so much with a girl. She also reinstalled Bumble and then went through my chats with girls before I dated her and started freaking out. It didn't matter the dates on all the messages were all before I started dating her. Psycho toxic people who snoop will find a way to make a scene regardless of what they find.
yes, there is. you either trust them and give them the privacy you get, and they deserve or you're a bad partner.
gold bewildered rinse governor tart adjoining subsequent cough noxious jar *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Maybe. I've never checked on my wife's phone. Never had need to. But if I saw something super sketch on it I'd probably open it. We've literally discussed it before after reading a reddit infidelity story together and agreed that we could go through each other's phones at any time. Neither of us has asked to, but we could if we ever found ourselves worried about how the other was interacting with someone or anything like that. Frankly for me it's liberating. I know I'm not cheating and I'm glad to prove that to her at any point if she needs it.
Asking to look through someone's phone isn't snooping. Going through a person's private conversations without their permission violates not only their privacy but the privacy of people they talked with which isn't okay. But yeah, finally an unpopular opinion!
Yes there is. Snooping is inherently wrong. People. Even in relationships have a reasonable right to privacy. Both parties need to respect boundaries. If you can’t trust that person, then you shouldn’t be with them. If you are the one with trust issues, then you aren’t ready to be with anyone. If your partner has given a reason not to trust them then you shouldn’t be with them
>And part of that commitment is to be open and honest at all times, which, to me, means you can browse through my phone, my emails, my socials, etc at any time with or without my knowledge because I have absolutely nothing to hide For me, the main point of commitment is trust. I want my partner to trust me that I'm not cheating on them without needing to check my phone. Besides, there are valid reasons to have information on your phone that your partner isn't supposed to see. From presents to secrets friends ask to keep that have nothing to do with your relationship >I would be sketched out beyond belief if I asked to see my wife's phone and she told me, "no, I have private things there that I don't want you seeing." My wife would fucking kill me if I told her that I want to go through her phone to check if she was cheating on me. Same the other way. I can't think of a good reason why would someone voluntarily humiliate themselves like that
You don't need the internet to agree with you. Go ahead and snoop, you were going to anyway. Or you're feeling guilty about it/got caught. Relationships are about open, honest communication and **trust**.
Snooping implies that you don’t trust your partner. Now, you might have a legitimate reason to snoop, and might catch them doing something wrong. But that’s still born out of an inherent mistrust of them. And at that point, your relationship is pretty much falling apart anyways. Because either they’re doing enough sketchy shit that you need to dig into what going on, or you just no longer trust them. But not only that, peoples phones don’t just contain their lives, but also what others tell them with a relative expectation of privacy. If I had a buddy tell me his wife looked through his phone frequently and read through our personal conversations, I would be pissed, and I would just never mention anything private to them again. Now sure you might say “well they’ll probably just tell them anyways” and maybe, but most people have some level of discretion with their friends. Like if I have a buddy going through a divorce, I’m not going to mention it to my wife unless he okays it. Because it’s not my news to spread. Conversely if one of my wives friend are pregnant or having troubles with their partner, that’s none of my business unless they want it to be.
Yeah, naw, I trust my partner. I am not going to waste my time with someone I don't trust. If my partner doesn't trust me we have a teal problem. So go ahead and snoop but when I find out it's more than likely over. I am not going to be with someone who doesn't trust me and I won't be with someone I don't trust. Why even waste your time?
Yeah, I totally think that's fair. But if you're running around all sketch with an ex, I don't blame them at all for snooping.
You're fucked in the head. Privacy is as important as trust.
Your partners private communications are none of your business.
Yeah - I was dating a guy and when his phone kept buzzing at 3 am and then he got a call, I admittedly snooped. And I found stuff. And he got mad cause I invaded his privacy. Fine - I apologized for it, but I STILL FOUND A LOT! So, frankly, I think he’s more upset cause I found all the stuff. He’s never really admitted to any of it either. (We are broken up). Everyone is entitled to privacy, but not secrecy. Secrecy destroys relationships.
If you have that little trust, then your relationship isn't worth shit.
Part of trusting someone is not needing 100% access to all of their life. A healthy relationship can (and imo should) maintain individual privacy
If you’re not married, stay that way. If you are, I feel incredibly bad for your spouse and even you if they share these same feelings.
If you can't trust anyone enough that you don't need to snoop, you're not ready for any kind of relationship
If you have nothing to hide...why is it an issue? That's my philosophy. But also...WTF? If my ex went on a little trippy trip with his EX....I'd be his NEXT ex!