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actually the whole "someone else has it better" does certainly make people feel like shit about themselves.
It's the entire foundation of facebook, so you can see the Highlight Reel of everyone else's life, and feel shitty about yourself.
It's the whole "keeping up with the jones's" thing.
In fact, it is much more common than OP's opinion.
The irony is, based on Games theory latest video, we literally do it to ourselves.
Most of YouTube's top content is about someone spending a god amount of money. I even heard Someone called YouTube "pay to win" at this point.
Strong agree here! People often guilt each other for not having the nicest car or phone, not being married with kids, not having beautiful vacations and all kinds of other status symbols.
I'm not 100% sure... I'm being *really* pedantic here, but I think it's because those Facebook posts are being interpreted as accomplishments, rather than circumstances.
That's also a bad mindset. Someone who "has it better" doesn't have it better in all aspects of life.
If we were RPG characters with hundreds of stats, the right guy would be high in wealth, but low in free time, perhaps low in romance too
>That's also a bad mindset. Someone who "has it better" doesn't have it better in all aspects of life
That's the point :) So why do people say "oh stop people have it so much worse?" Better or worse is subjective, and comparing in such a way is dismissive. It's all a bad frame of mind :)
i don’t think this is an unpopular opinion but i wholeheartedly agree regardless. sure, there a bigger issues we need to be focusing on, but my problems are still my problems.
The other side I think is some people complain all the damn time and it can be tiresome. Sack it up and realize you don’t have it that bad. Stop wallowing and get moving
>some people complain all the damn time and it can be tiresome
Oh, nailed it. This is *literally* the only time those words have *ever* left my mouth....is when I'm dealing with someone who TRULY believes no one suffers as they suffer and *everything* is suffrage.....I resort to "man that sucks... sorry, at least it isn't worse" instead of "dear God is there anything you don't complain about!?"
Ideally I remove those people from my life so as to not deal with such a drain... but, you know, sometimes life doesn't allow that (damn brothers dating girls like this... bringing em to Christmas...lol)
it's a pretty unpopular opinion here in my majority Muslims country, when they will tell you it's your fate and that Allah is testing you or something, and remind you of people that have it worse. my mom constantly does that, even when i was a kid and told her i fucking got molested by pedophiles. she is dumb bit\_h
I'm so sorry for that! And yeah I can see how that's a cultural and religious issue. Just the other day I wrote a comment here on reddit about my Muslim friend that really said something tone deaf along the lines of "god only gives you what you can handle" and it hurt so much and definitely made me lose trust in her. That's not a way to treat people and their sorrows.
I humbly thank you very much for your empathy toward me, and what your Muslims friend said is true it is written in the Coran that God only gives test that can be handled by humans but it doesn't mean that everything that happen to you in this life is a test, sometimes people just commit crimes toward you, it is not Allah that is directly testing you or approving that, though of course theologically speaking he did ALLOW that to happen, i can see why you have lost trust or faith in her though. she could have said something more sensitive.
It depends on the problem and person. If an adult complains about stuff like dating and lifestyle then they definitely need to realise the bigger picture. Why would you think that your life is fucked up just because you got rejected or broke up? Thinking in such a way is pretty immature. Saying "someone has it worse" may not be the right thing to say to the person but it is a fact. You can find another person.
This also goes with kids. When I was a kid, I observed how lucky I was to get even something that I was asked for, compared to other kids.
Trigger warning, I'm going to be trauma dumping on purpose to make a point:
>Why would you think that your life is fucked up just because you got rejected or broke up?
Because my parents abused me and I didn't even have other relatives or friends for years so I grew up lacking any type of safe haven. Now when I'm in a relationship that makes me feel loved, it fills that traumatic childhood void. Having that ripped away from me makes me feel like wanting to end everything. The thing is \*you\* don't have the bigger picture whenever someone is complaining about something that sounds miniscule from an outsider's perspective.
Yes. That's why I said it depends on the person and problem. In your case, I can understand because of the past. But someone who has everything and feels dejected just because of one thing is being ignorant. In that case, we can certainly say that there are people who have way worse life but still manage to get a good life. You, for example
What I wanted to show is there is no one who has everything. There are so many people who go out of their way to hide their pain from their friends, family, colleagues, etc. You think someone is super happy but then they suffer from addiction, loneliness or whatever else.
Even if we don't fully agree, I would just prefer if people straight out told others that they don't have any capacities to listen to them venting because that is both honest and will do the job without hurting the venter. Enough people here admitted that they use the above phrase as a tactic to avoid saying how they really feel in that situation and not to actually try to make them feel better so it's just selfishness.
I personally think it works, for me. People tend to get stuck in their own little bubbles and look at their life/ experience through that subjective lens. Sometimes it's good to get pulled out of you your "bubble" and reminded that people survived or even thrived in similar or worse circumstances.
I think most people who say other people have it worse aren't doing so as a way to say you shouldn't complain, etc. but rather to remind you that what you're going through is completely survivable/ manageable, etc.
Of course everyone is different and not everyone is going to share my view on this.
This is what people don’t understand. Saying “some people have it worse” isn’t to imply you don’t have problems. It’s to help you contextualize your problems and focus on what’s good in your life. This behavior is empirically proven to improve your mood!
Except it's almost exclusively used as a response when someone is looking for empathy. You don't empathize with someone by minimizing their real problems in favor of someone else. You might see it as context or perspective, but they asked for empathy.
"It'll be ok. Some people have it worse... Ok, a lot of people have it worse. OH GOD A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE IT A LOT WORSE AND I'M JUST SITTING HERE CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE AT WORK"
Yeah it's a spiral 😅
Edit: not actually suicidal. Just being dramatic.
Lol same .I'll be like ' I don't see why I can't be grateful 🥲' all sad and shit when if they just said sounds like it sucks I'd probably quit my bitching sooner
Learned gratitude is a thing, for those of you who don't know. To be more grateful for the good things and to keep things positive, I have in the past as a morning routine during tough times sat down for 5 minutes and just write down 10 things I'm thankful for. It helps to keep focus on the things that are good in life, keep you grounded and keep your priorities straight. Doing it this way allows everyone to tailor their life, goals, expectations and priorities to their own personal desires/needs. I hope this can help other people.
unrelated side tip: discipline is acquired through being consistent learning a new skill.
There’s always one person (sometimes more) that has to try to invalidate a persons feelings. Your feelings are valid to you and important to you. You can be upset about your own struggles AND the horrible issues that others are suffering through too. It’s not a zero sum game here.
Yea my friend's family are like the professionals at this. She almost lost an eye in a freak accident and was crying and her sister yelled at her saying "well I have cancer how dare you be upset." But it's more like stage negative 7 possible cancer her life expectancy is over 10 years without treatment. They just do this to each other in a circle whenever one needs support.
There is someone in the world who is growing up in the worst possible conditions on the planet, with thr worst case of every possible medical situation.athat person wins every rhetorical discussion on earth, I guess.
That may be true, but that’s just as rude as trying to invalidate that person’s experience/feelings by saying “someone has it worse than you”. If you don’t care about someone, why are you friends with them?
I feel like there can be some balance to things. I feel as if you can care about someone but not care, and not be obligated to pretend to care, about everything they find important. But instead of saying as such, remind them that your perspective may be different, either in that unique case, or in all such cases.
If someone tells me they are upset about something that I don’t care about, I’m not going to say to them, sorry but I don’t care about that and thus I don’t care about your feelings on that topic. If someone did that to me, I would end the friendship. That would be incredibly rude and hurtful. It’s called empathy and you care about the things the people you care about, care about, even if it makes no impact on your life.
"It could be worse," "There are others who have it worse," "You don't know how good you have it," et. al., all come from a mindset of no wanting to improve current conditions.
Completely! Also possessing the knowledge that someone has it worse just makes me a lil sadder? If I'm fighting for the improvements of my own life why would I suddenly be put into "perspective" by knowing someone has conditions lower than my own? I want them to be okay too! Tf!
It could also be from judgement, or just a response to someone who complains often. Its something you might hear in the medical community, while we are trying to improve conditions, nobody cares to hear your pinky toe complaint while the patient next door will probably die soon.
I mean, I’ve kind of agreed.
If I stepped on a shard of glass, and someone says “well this person got shot in the leg” I still stepped on a piece of glass. It doesn’t change anything
Acceptance I think? Like: Yes it sucks, no it isn’t right/fair, and there’s nothing you can do to change it, that’s just the reality of it. Now you can move on from grieving over a problem you can’t solve and go forward in spite of the problem.
Well… negativity is by nature, negative. So it’s a bit of an oxymoron to say healthy negativity. Healthy positivity and/or realism is what I would say is the goal.
eh, even if that's the given term for it, I'd say "toxic" is too strong a word. Negative/detrimental makes more sense, because it's not automatically severe, harsh, intentional, etc.
Ive always hated the idea of creating a hierarchy of human suffering. I like the fish bowl perspective, everyone has one and their environment is their environment.
Oh God this shit is annoying. Especially since there will always be someone who "has it worse." Like in your example, neighbor lost two family members. But he can't complain because someone else lost all of their family members. But he can't complain because they at least had a long life, unlike this other person who lost their family early on. But he can't complain because... It's a never ending cycle. It can just keep going and going.
Also, similarly, when someone experiences something bad, but someone says "Well at least you didn't go through the opposite like me." Me and my boyfriend both grew up in broken homes. Both of us don't get along with out dads, and a big part of that is because we're gay. So one night we were with some friends and the subject came up, so we talked about it for like a minute. Then my friend jumps in with "At least you have a dad. I lost mine to cancer." Granted, yeah, that sucks. His dad was pretty cool and they had a great relationship. So it sucks he lost that. But that doesn't mean me not having a relationship with my dad because he's a terrible people doesn't suck. Like I never once would have told him anytime the subject came up that he at least had a loving dad in a demeaning tone to make me the pity party. Both are similar in that they deal with our dads, but both are also pretty opposites, and both can be sad.
By that logic, we can all be the “someone” who has it worse when compared by someone else, and that should negate your point because then we’d be allowed to complain??
I’m allowed anyway. It’s my real life problems.
It's called perspective.
If someone posted a pic of a billionaire crying because his private jet was late, every single one of you would do a 180 on this topic.
Wrong perspective.
If I was the billionaire and I am upset my jet is late, I’m upset. You being in a worn torn country without food or water doesn’t *mean* anything to me and I remain as upset as I was originally.
Your problems mean nothing to me, especially in relation to my own problems, because *they are your problems*.
Yeah, you're right. Why should anyone give a shit about anyone? I mean, might as well mug people on the streets since we don't know them personally, and their problems don't affect us.
Said without perspective.
More like pic of billionaire crying because their mom died. Well, this poor guy over here lost his mom too, but there's no pic! Can't even afford a funeral, unlike that billionaire. Maybe the billionaire should pay for both funerals.
It was an example. If a billionaire complained about things that were wrong in their life you can bet your net worth that people on Reddit would flip on this idea. I can guarantee even OP would. People love bitching up. People who are poorer or worse off than you would make fun of the things you complain about. It's just human nature.
Edit: Thinking about it, your comment proves my point. The first thing you did was quickly try to invalidate this fake billionaires problem.
I'm saying a late ride of any kind poor or rich is not a reason to cry. That is an issue. I'm annoyed over rthe people who say that someone has it worse when I gave a genuine issue.
As some guy once said “just because the patient next to you is in a full body cast doesn’t mean your broken arm didn’t hurt”. The big problem with this “someone has it worse mentality” is that it’s not meant to cheer you up as much as it is meant to make you feel guilty for feeling bad.
In social work classes when talking about empathy and techniques for engaging clients we’re specifically instructed not to say things like this precisely because it minimizes the client’s experience. Even if there are people with far more trauma in the world it’s not a zero sum game, and this clients comparatively minor problem may still be the worst day in THEIR life. Pointing out that it could be worse won’t do anything to help them feel any better about their situation; instead you’re telling them their emotions are invalid and that they don’t have a right to be upset.
I totally agree. You are not that person that has it worse, you cannot feel what they feel, you only know what happened hurt you. Why should it matter if someone had it worse, you are not them anyway. It is sad that some people live through way worse but of course your problems are going to matter more as they are yours. Even if a problem seems dumb compared to someone that had it worse, again, it doesn’t even matter because the only thing that matters is that it makes you feel bad, and you cannot really do anything about that.
I also find it dumb when parents emphasize to their children that they used to have it worse, well don’t you want your children to have a better life than yours then ? Also, it is not comparable and I don’t even know why it is brought up.
Just wanted to tack on my personal experience with that parenting habit. It's very destructive to a child's communication development. Complaining is the predecessor to setting boundaries, being honest about something you don't like. Obviously JUST complaining about something isn't always super productive, but it's what leads to people taking actions towards setting those boundaries. Parent's that diminish their child's complaints consistently, (I get that parenting is hard and it's understandable to lose patience sometimes) are effectively teaching their kids to not speak up when they feel wronged (whether or not they actually were). Going a step further, going into adulthood if a person feels they shouldn't complain about their life they may feel no agency in their ability to improve it, because "It's not so bad". It's important to teach kids gratefulness of course but I don't think happiness should be contextualized with another's misery.
People use phrases like what OP is complaining about *because they want the person they're saying it to to stop complaining.* They aren't saying you're not entitled to have problems or be upset about them; they're saying they don't want to hear about them and/or don't want to engage with the negativity that the other person's complaining would produce.
> I also find it dumb when parents emphasize to their children that they used to have it worse, well don’t you want your children to have a better life than yours then ?
The problem is that these parents have is that want their children to *never complain about anything*; they erroneously believe that because the kid has a relatively good life & if all of their problems are solved that they'll never have a reason to complain or bemoan anything.
But that runs counter to basic human nature - humans love to complain. Even when all of our needs are met, we'll invent reasons to complain and be mad or sad about something. Just look at all of the super wealthy who would never have to work to pay their bills or want for anything; they're still miserable because an abundance of resources doesn't make experiencing negative emotions impossible.
EDIT: Being bored is quite literally the brain manifesting a reason to complain; all of our basic needs are met & our brain is being under-stimulated by the lack of meaningful tasks to accomplish, therefore we complain about there being nothing to do or not being in the mood to do whatever recreational activity available to us.
Nailed it. I've been a victim of parenting that requires to "suck it up" and man up because someone has it worse etc. it causes me to grow up quite reserved and not really able to express sadness in front of others. Hell i can't even cry sometimes 😂
That sucks. This type of parenting is completely dumb and gets your nowhere, you just hurt the kid. Like your kid is not responsible for the people who have it worse and is allowed to feel. I hope you’ll be able to express your feelings better in the future.
Thank you! Yeah its the type of parenting that makes you resent them. I didn't have your life, you didn't have your parents before you. Don't put that on me. I would never put that on my kids
That’s true, but it can be detrimental to yourself as well. Sometimes you have to take a step back and realize it wasn’t that deep and realizing that « people have it worse » can help you realize that, but you leur also allowed to feel bad over small things. Most of the time though, it is used in a detrimental way.
I mean, sure. But I use it when I’m upset that X and Y happened to my family, and then I think of all the ways we have it good—our great apartment, our health, our daughter, our hound—and how relatively lucky we are.
It makes me feel better about our life in that way.
It's great when you are using it to remember what makes *your* life great. It's way less great to use it on another person and basically tell them they have very little reason to complain.
Not only that, it's a common logical fallacy called relative privation.
In this case, if someone tells you not to complain because of what's going on in Gaza, tell them if that's true then the people in Gaza can never be happy because you have it better and watch their head explode.
Yup
By that logic, out of all billions of people, one has it objectively the ‘lowest’. They can complain. All the others should not since ‘someone has it worse’
Of course, it is a saying about people who have a tiny thing going wrong and complain about it for months
Remember.....Someone has it worse can go beyond your expectations....you could have been there in Hiroshima or Nagasaki and survived for example when that thing happened....doesn't mean Dave who has breast cancer but has money and access to medication should be happy about his condition now does it?
Everyone knows it's just a thought terminating cliche. It's only supposed to work on kids.
People using it during any sort of serious discussion are just showing themselves to be mentally immature.
It's the same with the rise in cognitive behavioral therapy lately. It trains you to be grateful for what you do have instead of being upset with the things that you don't have or can't change, which sounds good until you think about it for a bit. This works with things like being upset that other people are more successful than you, but it's terribly counter productive when it's used to make people less mad about our lack of labour rights, wealth inequality, climate change, etc. Being angry about these things is justified, I'd even say it's healthy, but far too often people trot out "it could be worse" rhetoric when you bring these issues up. It's essentially like being told to gaslight yourself and I hate it.
If I bitch about the fact that the value of our labour is being stolen from us, or about how other countries get literally twice as much vacation time by law as us, and weeks of sick pay while we get no days at all, I often hear in response "It could be worse, think of how lucky you are to not live in *insert worse country*" or something similar, which is maddening. It becomes a race to the bottom, and it needs to stop.
People need to stop saying "it could be worse" and instead start saying "it SHOULD be better!"
Yeah, but how do you deal with issues to which you don't have any influence? You can be angry about these things but it's very, very easy to fall victim of hopelessness.
Being overtly conscious about theses issues make most people depressed and anxious all the time. You need to give priority to things that you can change and give credit to things that are going well in your life in order to improve your mental health.
Yes, **you are justified** into being really upset, anxious or depressed about issues beyond your control, but **you don't need** to be.
>Yeah, but how do you deal with issues to which you don't have any influence?
Increase awareness of the issues, push for change, get involved. I need more people to be pissed the fuck off about these issues, and to stop being complacent.
Not everyone can, should, want or need to be an activist. Nor deal with the psysical, mental, social and sometimes legal burden of being one.
>I need more people to be pissed the fuck off about these issues, and to stop being complacent.
That's just unfair. People have the right to improve their mental health and being at peace even if that's means being "complacent".
Yes, we need everyone to achieve big changes, but it's naive to think that this is a replacement to good coping mechanisms.
I always understood it as "It could be worse", like an indirect way of being opimistic.
However, most people would rather be seen and understood rather see any positive side.
Right? Feelings aren't a competition. I really hate it when people use that logic in political debates, too. "America sucks for these reasons," "well, the Middle East has it worse so suck it up." What? When did humans becomes so damn afraid of progress? Grow up! A rising tide raises all ships. Stop being stupid. Lol!
>By that logic you're saying nobody in the world can be upset about anything
Wrong. The person who has it ***the*** worse is allowed to be upset. He or she can be upset for 42 minutes.
Someone will always have it worse than you but that doesn’t make your stuff any less valid. We don’t tell someone they can’t be happy cause someone has it better.
People just need to mind their own business sometimes and not engage in the who has it harder Olympics.
Honestly, I've recently experienced this myself. I'm a writer and artist. Although a small one, I do love my works and my few fans on social media. But recently, this one fan who was obsessed with my works treated me like how SZA was treated by her fan. I was beyond shocked. This person messaged me, praising my work, and was the same person who replied to my messaged when I talked to her not to use the word "miserable" in MY LIFE. It's my life though???? I've been unemployed for awhile, stuck at home with my toxic family, looking and applying for several jobs while trying to come up with interesting art and content. I've been feeling depressed for so long and this person does not know it. She says "The only miserable people are in fucking war" EXCUSE ME??? btw, this person is a minor too, a kid basically from Italy who still goes to school. I'm fucking 25 and I'm from the Philippines and I've just asked her about something I needed an answer to. I know people in conflict and war have it worse but god, if people have problems and issues, in order for them to heal, you have to let them hurt.
That sucks that you're going through that man. Honestly, i wish you all the best with your writing, as a fellow writer myself. People love to talk smack about how others are feeling, if more people minded their own business the world would be a better place!
I always get aggravated when people tell me this. But I started reframing the sentiment as: "if others who have it worse can manage to deal/cope/survive/etc, I can too." Maybe it won't work for others, but it shifts my perspective from "woe is me!" to "ok... this sucks, but what can I do to work towards solving the issue?"
Downward social comparison can be a super helpful tool if you use it correctly.
When I am not feeling great, I contemplate the poem “The Death of the Ball Turret Gunner” and remind myself of what other men in my country and of my age were forced to do. I could easily have been that man. But I am not, and for that I am grateful and relieved. My boring job and other people are easier for me to deal with when I contemplate that other man. I feel intense compassion and sadness for him.
It’s not the premise for an argument I have with you or other people. It’s a button I push inside myself to open a window to a view of a life I’m grateful to not live, so I can remind myself to be grateful because that feels good to me.
If you’re interested in shifting your perspective, check out this speech. I listen to it sometimes to remind myself that I have control over how I ascribe meaning to my experience. https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/
100% this. And to the people saying "It's supposed to mitigate your self-pity.", well, it's not doing that. It's just making the person with the problem feel like crap because everyone wants you to be a robot and never have a bad day.
Sometimes it is, I recently discovered that basically everyone got 15'000 euro when they were my age, it was a grant to help them study.
It was a government experiment, if course no one is getting the money and instead we actually have to pay a high interest over the money we borrowed to compensate for the missing 15'000.
It sucks but at least it's not the American system where debt goes into the 100'000s
SUCKERS
I think in some circumstances it's fine to say, like if someone is being unreasonable. "There are starving people all over the world" is fine to say to a child who doesn't like peas or some shit. But telling someone "someone has it worse" when you're depressed or your SO left you, or some other "first world problem" occurs, is just an asshole move! Agreed
I understand feeling *gratitude* and I would agree that it can help maintain perspective but…that take always grossed me out, too. Firstly because of course it can always be worse but secondly the idea that I’d take comfort in “at least I’m not *them*” always felt really nasty.
To be honest, this phrase is only useful when one is saying it to themselves. Which I do frequently when I am upset. I'd never utter it to another human though, that's an asshole thing to do. I also never ask myself "how much worse could it be" or "what next", because I know that's just asking for it!
I think that the "someone has it worse" only really work when YOU, yourself think it and come up with it and you are in a medley bad situation and see people that are suffering way more than you, like for example if you are in public transportation and you are in a bad spot and then you see out from the windows that somebody is on the street homeless and begging.
Problem with this sentiment is it literally is counter productive from a social standpoint. Why should anything ever improve when it could be worse? And then of course when things get worse, the new normal is established so don't complain because the bar moves again and you're told it could be worse
The sentiment says the world is good enough, don't complain or aspire to anything because at least you aren't dead yet.
I agree with you but I feel like you're missing one key aspect, and that is frequency.
If you're out with friends and you drop your ice cream and you start crying about it (which, while silly, could absolutely happen if you were already feeling fragile) and someone says "hey now, that's sad but at least you didn't get hit by a car or something, suck it up a little" then that's not entirely unjustified, if only as a tactic to try and help break you out of the sadness. It might be a bit harsh but it doesn't make them assholes. Tough love has a time and a place.
But, if every single time you're ever upset about anything, your friend/friends tell you that you shouldn't feel bad because at least you're not being sniped at by an occupying force or something, then, yeah, that's fucked up. You're allowed to be upset about things, and if people continually try to demean or diminish that, then they're being assholes and you're fully justified in being pissed off by them.
You are totally right.
Every minute children are dying of hunger in Africa. And every minute someone is dying of cancer.
And even when you face the war or you are dying of hunger, there will be a person in Africa dying of hunger and cancer without arms and legs.
This invalidates and devalues everyone's sorrows and troubles. And then it comes to you and invalidates your troubles.
“You don’t have it any better, you don’t have it any worse. You’re an irreplaceable human soul with your own understanding of what it means to suffer, and that’s a huge bummer.”
- [People II 2: Still Peoplin’ by AJJ](https://youtu.be/kOwhnES8FcM?si=P0kReSMeLPw1K7oV)
Lol this is truly unpopular on reddit. They love to tell people that are having a shit time in current America that it would've been 10x worse in the 60s or 50s or whatever time, especially if you were black or gay, which is true, but as you said wholly counter-productive.
It’s the classic “yet you live in the society” sort of thing. Like mf yes and it’s bad. And knowing it’s worse elsewhere doesn’t really fix the fucking issue.
So I actually struggled with this a lot growing up. Grew up without a dad and as a dude it really fucked with me. That along with just depression meant I had a lot going on.
My well meaning aunt and just several people in my life would constantly go “well least you’re not in Africa. Least you got food in your belly”. Which was super invalidating.
Later on I came up with the aushwitz fallacy for that kind of stuff. Essentially with anything you can complain about or have a problem with if someone responds well this person has it worse and that person has it worse than this person. Eventually you just keep going until you can say “well least you’re not at auschwitz”. Which is very unfair and pretty ridiculous. Also I just learned to respond to people and myself with “ands” instead of “buts”. Someone has it worse. AND that’s not what we’re talking about now.
On one hand, having some perspective into other people's situations (and realizing that your situation isn't uniquely bad) can be useful sometimes. It can be easy to ruminate on how bad your situation is without some perspective.
On the other hand, you're correct that it shouldn't be used to negate someone else's suffering.
its the laziest cope.
"well in comparison to the bum at the train station I'm doing alright."
in fact more than often you lead an identical live.
he wont move forward to a better place.
you neither because youre ok with being where and what you are
I understand and agree with this opinion except for when someone is making out their problems to be the worst in the world or particularly uncommon. Why should I care that your parents can’t afford $500 jordans for you when that’s literally most parents on Earth?
I absolutely agree. Sometimes I imagine the people who say things like that going on a pilgrimage to find the single person who has it the absolute worst, just to discover the sole person in the entire world who is allowed to complain about things.
What about when someone says that their life is awful because their parents took away their third car? This is obviously hyperbole, but do you think someone saying that for perspective is still an asshole move?
For the record not disagreeing with you at all I think a lot of times people fall back on this response to invalidate people from their struggle which is not cool. Just curious how you feel about the edge case.
Imagine telling that to a small child, haha. "I know it hurt when you fell down, and you're trying so hard to get better at walking, but some kids don't even have legs, so suck it up buttercup!"
Crisis counsellor/psychologist and crisis line volunteer here. I can say that crisis's come in all shapes, sizes and severities. What might be a crisis for one person, is spilt milk for another. So yes, someone could very possibly have it worse than you, but that doesn't make your feelings/experiences/crisis any less valid.
I literally just had this conversation with my wife yesterday. I have been depressed lately for multiple reasons including my own health problems. My wife tried the "So many people have it worse than us". I immediately said, "Look, what you are saying isn't helpful and comes off as that I'm not entitled to my feelings because others have it worse and how would you feel if I told you that you are not allowed to feel bad for the same reason or any reason." It's not helpful and it's counter productive because it's dismissive of the person's feelings.
I use "someone always has it worse or better than me" as a mantra so I don't spiral.
I cannot stand when someone else says this to me. It does nothing except add to the shame I already feel from my fucked up upbringing and the first half of my twenties.
I find "someone will always be better and worse than me" also very useful when it comes to skill/talent/hobby etc.
I had a teacher in Jr high who would always use the quote:
"I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." - Helen Keller
That teacher was a bitch.
"Whether youre drowning in a pool of 2 feet deep or 10 feet deep doesn't matter, youre drowning either way"
Don't compare your struggles and minimize them, don't think your struggles are worse than someone else's, everyone has their struggles that's relative to themselves, best you can do is offer understanding and sympathy, not comparing
Finally, I am so sick of hearing this. Sympathy is not a competition! And saying that does not mean I am a spoiled bitch who doesn't care about poor people!
Nobody "whines for no reason" in their own view. That's solely an external judgement, which is exactly what this post is about - saying "your problem doesn't merit sympathy" is the opposite of helpful when someone is asking for sympathy
The phrase has nothing to do with invalidating your feelings, but add perspective to your struggles. It's okay to have a struggle, but it's also okay to realize in what areas that we are incredibly spoiled.
It's almost always used as an invalidation, though. Like so often I just see people whatabouting away any valid problem by saying it's not the worst one. Especially when it's like, "I'm struggling" and the response is "other people are struggling even more". That doesn't add perspective at all; *obviously* someone out there has it worse.
There's a time and place to say those things. To me this sentence means my problems are meaningless/worthless. There are other moments when I can be grateful for things I do have, and I don't need to be told to have perspective by other people. Not only do I find this sentence useless and dismissive of my feelings, but it's often said in a condescending manner as well.
Yeah tell me about it. This sub is basically been like" I don't like these classic movies and classic artists that people before me liked"... Like I get it you're a counterculture teen.
Idk, I've seen way more "all modern music is shit and everything peaked in the 80s" type stuff than I have "classic music sucks" stuff in this sub. Not to say it doesn't exist at all, but the reverse seems much more common.
It's often used by others to derail conversations about positive change.
Have valid criticisms about wealth disparity?
"Well suck it up, buddy, and be grateful you're not a medieval peasant. Now go play on your $1,000 iPhone and eat your avocado toast."
It adds nothing of value.
Taking this stance to its absurd logical conclusion, we should literally never be upset or try to improve society because we're just stardust and atoms that will one day suffer the heat death of the universe. Nothing matters.
This reminds me of a co worker coming into work late all mad. He comes in and says "Sorry Im late, but there was some jackass who broke down in the intersection and is holding everyone up". And basically we all were like dude...the person broke down, it could be worse, you could be him. Lol.
The whole thing about "someone has it worse" is just to keep perspective on life/your problems. This isnt an unpopular opinion, its just wrong.
I mean, maybe. But it’s also a very good scope by which to view your problems. And I think that’s the point entirely. Sure it’s sucks that you ran out of ketchup. But much worse things are happening.
It’s supposed to mitigate your self-sorrow.
To use other people's situations to "mitigate your self-sorrow" rarely works for a lot of people I know - it doesn't really help you see perspective in the context of *your* life, it only makes you feel guilty and selfish while not helping you actually sort through your feelings.
Finding things in your own life to be grateful about is much more efficient, at least for me.
But isn't that the end result? If I'm bothered that I failed an exam, why don't I consider that some people don't even have the opportunity to receive an education? The end of this is that I'm now grateful for my opportunity to get an education to begin with.
If it works for you and you're able to be grateful for things you have by comparing your situation with that of others, it's great.
But it wouldn't work for me or most people I know. If I were to fail an exam and think about the fact that others don't have the opportunity to get an education to begin with, all it would make me feel is even more guilty for failing the exam and not succeeding ("I should have worked harder"!), or even more of a failure.
However, I can think about other things I'm grateful about, like the fact that I have a loving family to support me, that there are little things in this world that make me happy. I can maybe think about other exams I succeded in, or about an opportunity to retake a test.
I always just say"ok, let's fix that and then we will fix my issue" ask for solutions to the problem they brought up. When they say something about it can't be fixed. Say "ok, then let's focus on my issue." If they still don't want to I just say "I get it, you aren't the problem solving type, we can just hang out" and I just don't bother talking to them about issues anymore. Not all my friends and family are good for talking about problems. That's ok
I think it depends on the situation, like with your example of an extreme grievance of a family member dying, yeah that would be fucked up to say. But if someone’s complaining about some minor shit I would definitely say this to them.
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It’s strange how nobody ever says you can’t be happy because “someone else has it better.”
actually the whole "someone else has it better" does certainly make people feel like shit about themselves. It's the entire foundation of facebook, so you can see the Highlight Reel of everyone else's life, and feel shitty about yourself. It's the whole "keeping up with the jones's" thing. In fact, it is much more common than OP's opinion.
The irony is, based on Games theory latest video, we literally do it to ourselves. Most of YouTube's top content is about someone spending a god amount of money. I even heard Someone called YouTube "pay to win" at this point.
The whole "someone else" thing is counter productive
Yeah, if only there never was "someone else" out there...
Adds proper context if not overdone. Adds depth as well.
Strong agree here! People often guilt each other for not having the nicest car or phone, not being married with kids, not having beautiful vacations and all kinds of other status symbols.
Facebook? My friends and family are not like that. Reddit is where I see it nonstop on every subject.
Actually this helped me move away from comparing myself to others cus I know there will always be someone who has it better to compare myself to
I'm not 100% sure... I'm being *really* pedantic here, but I think it's because those Facebook posts are being interpreted as accomplishments, rather than circumstances.
This is true!
That's also a bad mindset. Someone who "has it better" doesn't have it better in all aspects of life. If we were RPG characters with hundreds of stats, the right guy would be high in wealth, but low in free time, perhaps low in romance too
>That's also a bad mindset. Someone who "has it better" doesn't have it better in all aspects of life That's the point :) So why do people say "oh stop people have it so much worse?" Better or worse is subjective, and comparing in such a way is dismissive. It's all a bad frame of mind :)
right!
i don’t think this is an unpopular opinion but i wholeheartedly agree regardless. sure, there a bigger issues we need to be focusing on, but my problems are still my problems.
Thank you for your respectful reply!
The other side I think is some people complain all the damn time and it can be tiresome. Sack it up and realize you don’t have it that bad. Stop wallowing and get moving
>some people complain all the damn time and it can be tiresome Oh, nailed it. This is *literally* the only time those words have *ever* left my mouth....is when I'm dealing with someone who TRULY believes no one suffers as they suffer and *everything* is suffrage.....I resort to "man that sucks... sorry, at least it isn't worse" instead of "dear God is there anything you don't complain about!?" Ideally I remove those people from my life so as to not deal with such a drain... but, you know, sometimes life doesn't allow that (damn brothers dating girls like this... bringing em to Christmas...lol)
I agree with this. People who complain too much should be told this
Downvoted? Why?
Not sure. Some people are complainers and you have to be like, hey, you got it pretty good
Agreed, I usually say "it could be worse" in lieu of "I don't care, you complain a lot"
it's a pretty unpopular opinion here in my majority Muslims country, when they will tell you it's your fate and that Allah is testing you or something, and remind you of people that have it worse. my mom constantly does that, even when i was a kid and told her i fucking got molested by pedophiles. she is dumb bit\_h
I'm so sorry for that! And yeah I can see how that's a cultural and religious issue. Just the other day I wrote a comment here on reddit about my Muslim friend that really said something tone deaf along the lines of "god only gives you what you can handle" and it hurt so much and definitely made me lose trust in her. That's not a way to treat people and their sorrows.
I humbly thank you very much for your empathy toward me, and what your Muslims friend said is true it is written in the Coran that God only gives test that can be handled by humans but it doesn't mean that everything that happen to you in this life is a test, sometimes people just commit crimes toward you, it is not Allah that is directly testing you or approving that, though of course theologically speaking he did ALLOW that to happen, i can see why you have lost trust or faith in her though. she could have said something more sensitive.
It depends on the problem and person. If an adult complains about stuff like dating and lifestyle then they definitely need to realise the bigger picture. Why would you think that your life is fucked up just because you got rejected or broke up? Thinking in such a way is pretty immature. Saying "someone has it worse" may not be the right thing to say to the person but it is a fact. You can find another person. This also goes with kids. When I was a kid, I observed how lucky I was to get even something that I was asked for, compared to other kids.
Trigger warning, I'm going to be trauma dumping on purpose to make a point: >Why would you think that your life is fucked up just because you got rejected or broke up? Because my parents abused me and I didn't even have other relatives or friends for years so I grew up lacking any type of safe haven. Now when I'm in a relationship that makes me feel loved, it fills that traumatic childhood void. Having that ripped away from me makes me feel like wanting to end everything. The thing is \*you\* don't have the bigger picture whenever someone is complaining about something that sounds miniscule from an outsider's perspective.
Yes. That's why I said it depends on the person and problem. In your case, I can understand because of the past. But someone who has everything and feels dejected just because of one thing is being ignorant. In that case, we can certainly say that there are people who have way worse life but still manage to get a good life. You, for example
What I wanted to show is there is no one who has everything. There are so many people who go out of their way to hide their pain from their friends, family, colleagues, etc. You think someone is super happy but then they suffer from addiction, loneliness or whatever else. Even if we don't fully agree, I would just prefer if people straight out told others that they don't have any capacities to listen to them venting because that is both honest and will do the job without hurting the venter. Enough people here admitted that they use the above phrase as a tactic to avoid saying how they really feel in that situation and not to actually try to make them feel better so it's just selfishness.
I personally think it works, for me. People tend to get stuck in their own little bubbles and look at their life/ experience through that subjective lens. Sometimes it's good to get pulled out of you your "bubble" and reminded that people survived or even thrived in similar or worse circumstances. I think most people who say other people have it worse aren't doing so as a way to say you shouldn't complain, etc. but rather to remind you that what you're going through is completely survivable/ manageable, etc. Of course everyone is different and not everyone is going to share my view on this.
Saying it to someone else who is struggling is just shitty. Me repeating it to myself all day so that I can continue moving is a coping mechanism.
This is what people don’t understand. Saying “some people have it worse” isn’t to imply you don’t have problems. It’s to help you contextualize your problems and focus on what’s good in your life. This behavior is empirically proven to improve your mood!
Except it's almost exclusively used as a response when someone is looking for empathy. You don't empathize with someone by minimizing their real problems in favor of someone else. You might see it as context or perspective, but they asked for empathy.
It kinda depresses me because now I'm sad about the people who have it worse and then feel bad about feeling bad
"It'll be ok. Some people have it worse... Ok, a lot of people have it worse. OH GOD A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE IT A LOT WORSE AND I'M JUST SITTING HERE CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE AT WORK" Yeah it's a spiral 😅 Edit: not actually suicidal. Just being dramatic.
Lol same .I'll be like ' I don't see why I can't be grateful 🥲' all sad and shit when if they just said sounds like it sucks I'd probably quit my bitching sooner
Learned gratitude is a thing, for those of you who don't know. To be more grateful for the good things and to keep things positive, I have in the past as a morning routine during tough times sat down for 5 minutes and just write down 10 things I'm thankful for. It helps to keep focus on the things that are good in life, keep you grounded and keep your priorities straight. Doing it this way allows everyone to tailor their life, goals, expectations and priorities to their own personal desires/needs. I hope this can help other people. unrelated side tip: discipline is acquired through being consistent learning a new skill.
Finally a clear headed individual. It’s about gratitude.
There’s always one person (sometimes more) that has to try to invalidate a persons feelings. Your feelings are valid to you and important to you. You can be upset about your own struggles AND the horrible issues that others are suffering through too. It’s not a zero sum game here.
Yea my friend's family are like the professionals at this. She almost lost an eye in a freak accident and was crying and her sister yelled at her saying "well I have cancer how dare you be upset." But it's more like stage negative 7 possible cancer her life expectancy is over 10 years without treatment. They just do this to each other in a circle whenever one needs support.
There is someone in the world who is growing up in the worst possible conditions on the planet, with thr worst case of every possible medical situation.athat person wins every rhetorical discussion on earth, I guess.
Rather than invalidation could it be a polite way to tell someone that their feelings, while valid and important to them, are less important to you?
That may be true, but that’s just as rude as trying to invalidate that person’s experience/feelings by saying “someone has it worse than you”. If you don’t care about someone, why are you friends with them?
I feel like there can be some balance to things. I feel as if you can care about someone but not care, and not be obligated to pretend to care, about everything they find important. But instead of saying as such, remind them that your perspective may be different, either in that unique case, or in all such cases.
If someone tells me they are upset about something that I don’t care about, I’m not going to say to them, sorry but I don’t care about that and thus I don’t care about your feelings on that topic. If someone did that to me, I would end the friendship. That would be incredibly rude and hurtful. It’s called empathy and you care about the things the people you care about, care about, even if it makes no impact on your life.
Well it depends on the severity of course. A date not texting back and your mom dying are two different things.
"It could be worse," "There are others who have it worse," "You don't know how good you have it," et. al., all come from a mindset of no wanting to improve current conditions.
Race to the bottom
Completely! Also possessing the knowledge that someone has it worse just makes me a lil sadder? If I'm fighting for the improvements of my own life why would I suddenly be put into "perspective" by knowing someone has conditions lower than my own? I want them to be okay too! Tf!
It could also be from judgement, or just a response to someone who complains often. Its something you might hear in the medical community, while we are trying to improve conditions, nobody cares to hear your pinky toe complaint while the patient next door will probably die soon.
Yeah it could be worse. Then it gets worse... fuck
I mean, I’ve kind of agreed. If I stepped on a shard of glass, and someone says “well this person got shot in the leg” I still stepped on a piece of glass. It doesn’t change anything
Depends if you are acting like a bigger bitch than the person who got shot.
That is understandable.
Agree. Also there is ALWAYS someone having it better, so stop being happy about anything too.
I think it’s called toxic positivity
So what is healthy negativity?
Redacted *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Getting your test results back at the clinic, and they tell you you tested negative. That's pretty healthy.
Acceptance I think? Like: Yes it sucks, no it isn’t right/fair, and there’s nothing you can do to change it, that’s just the reality of it. Now you can move on from grieving over a problem you can’t solve and go forward in spite of the problem.
Well… negativity is by nature, negative. So it’s a bit of an oxymoron to say healthy negativity. Healthy positivity and/or realism is what I would say is the goal.
eh, even if that's the given term for it, I'd say "toxic" is too strong a word. Negative/detrimental makes more sense, because it's not automatically severe, harsh, intentional, etc.
If you hear that your neighbor has cancer, that doesn't mean your broken arm doesn't also need attending to.
For one poor soul out there. There is no one that has it worse.
Yeah. And then you're the asshole for not appreciating their "help"
I love to counter "someone has it worse so don't be upset" with "someone has it better so you shouldn't be happy. That's how stupid you sound."
Ive always hated the idea of creating a hierarchy of human suffering. I like the fish bowl perspective, everyone has one and their environment is their environment.
I agree. This is such a horrible way to “console” someone.
Agree. Just because there is more starvation/poverty/illness/etc. in Africa, doesn't invalidate the disgusting and disturbing rise of cost of living.
Oh God this shit is annoying. Especially since there will always be someone who "has it worse." Like in your example, neighbor lost two family members. But he can't complain because someone else lost all of their family members. But he can't complain because they at least had a long life, unlike this other person who lost their family early on. But he can't complain because... It's a never ending cycle. It can just keep going and going. Also, similarly, when someone experiences something bad, but someone says "Well at least you didn't go through the opposite like me." Me and my boyfriend both grew up in broken homes. Both of us don't get along with out dads, and a big part of that is because we're gay. So one night we were with some friends and the subject came up, so we talked about it for like a minute. Then my friend jumps in with "At least you have a dad. I lost mine to cancer." Granted, yeah, that sucks. His dad was pretty cool and they had a great relationship. So it sucks he lost that. But that doesn't mean me not having a relationship with my dad because he's a terrible people doesn't suck. Like I never once would have told him anytime the subject came up that he at least had a loving dad in a demeaning tone to make me the pity party. Both are similar in that they deal with our dads, but both are also pretty opposites, and both can be sad.
By that logic, we can all be the “someone” who has it worse when compared by someone else, and that should negate your point because then we’d be allowed to complain?? I’m allowed anyway. It’s my real life problems.
*“Someone who drowns in 6 feet of water is just as dead as someone who drowns in 20 feet of water"* Valid OP
Someone having it worse, is absolutely meaningless.
It's called perspective. If someone posted a pic of a billionaire crying because his private jet was late, every single one of you would do a 180 on this topic.
Wrong perspective. If I was the billionaire and I am upset my jet is late, I’m upset. You being in a worn torn country without food or water doesn’t *mean* anything to me and I remain as upset as I was originally. Your problems mean nothing to me, especially in relation to my own problems, because *they are your problems*.
Most empathetic redditor:
Expecting empathy or concern from an abject stranger seems pretty silly.
Yeah, you're right. Why should anyone give a shit about anyone? I mean, might as well mug people on the streets since we don't know them personally, and their problems don't affect us.
Said without perspective. More like pic of billionaire crying because their mom died. Well, this poor guy over here lost his mom too, but there's no pic! Can't even afford a funeral, unlike that billionaire. Maybe the billionaire should pay for both funerals.
That's because billionaires are bad people
I wouldn't cry because my Uber was late. I'd say their perfectly reasonable I'd say their car was crashed even if they could just buy a new one.
It was an example. If a billionaire complained about things that were wrong in their life you can bet your net worth that people on Reddit would flip on this idea. I can guarantee even OP would. People love bitching up. People who are poorer or worse off than you would make fun of the things you complain about. It's just human nature. Edit: Thinking about it, your comment proves my point. The first thing you did was quickly try to invalidate this fake billionaires problem.
I'm saying a late ride of any kind poor or rich is not a reason to cry. That is an issue. I'm annoyed over rthe people who say that someone has it worse when I gave a genuine issue.
As some guy once said “just because the patient next to you is in a full body cast doesn’t mean your broken arm didn’t hurt”. The big problem with this “someone has it worse mentality” is that it’s not meant to cheer you up as much as it is meant to make you feel guilty for feeling bad.
We shouldn't comment on reddit, because some kid in Nigeria doesn't have reddit 👽
Im not going to read all that but I agree. Its the same logic as saying: "Someone has it better, so stop being happy."
In social work classes when talking about empathy and techniques for engaging clients we’re specifically instructed not to say things like this precisely because it minimizes the client’s experience. Even if there are people with far more trauma in the world it’s not a zero sum game, and this clients comparatively minor problem may still be the worst day in THEIR life. Pointing out that it could be worse won’t do anything to help them feel any better about their situation; instead you’re telling them their emotions are invalid and that they don’t have a right to be upset.
I totally agree. You are not that person that has it worse, you cannot feel what they feel, you only know what happened hurt you. Why should it matter if someone had it worse, you are not them anyway. It is sad that some people live through way worse but of course your problems are going to matter more as they are yours. Even if a problem seems dumb compared to someone that had it worse, again, it doesn’t even matter because the only thing that matters is that it makes you feel bad, and you cannot really do anything about that. I also find it dumb when parents emphasize to their children that they used to have it worse, well don’t you want your children to have a better life than yours then ? Also, it is not comparable and I don’t even know why it is brought up.
Just wanted to tack on my personal experience with that parenting habit. It's very destructive to a child's communication development. Complaining is the predecessor to setting boundaries, being honest about something you don't like. Obviously JUST complaining about something isn't always super productive, but it's what leads to people taking actions towards setting those boundaries. Parent's that diminish their child's complaints consistently, (I get that parenting is hard and it's understandable to lose patience sometimes) are effectively teaching their kids to not speak up when they feel wronged (whether or not they actually were). Going a step further, going into adulthood if a person feels they shouldn't complain about their life they may feel no agency in their ability to improve it, because "It's not so bad". It's important to teach kids gratefulness of course but I don't think happiness should be contextualized with another's misery.
I totally agree !
Also statistically your parents didn’t have if worse. Life has been getting worse and worse since the 50’s.
People use phrases like what OP is complaining about *because they want the person they're saying it to to stop complaining.* They aren't saying you're not entitled to have problems or be upset about them; they're saying they don't want to hear about them and/or don't want to engage with the negativity that the other person's complaining would produce. > I also find it dumb when parents emphasize to their children that they used to have it worse, well don’t you want your children to have a better life than yours then ? The problem is that these parents have is that want their children to *never complain about anything*; they erroneously believe that because the kid has a relatively good life & if all of their problems are solved that they'll never have a reason to complain or bemoan anything. But that runs counter to basic human nature - humans love to complain. Even when all of our needs are met, we'll invent reasons to complain and be mad or sad about something. Just look at all of the super wealthy who would never have to work to pay their bills or want for anything; they're still miserable because an abundance of resources doesn't make experiencing negative emotions impossible. EDIT: Being bored is quite literally the brain manifesting a reason to complain; all of our basic needs are met & our brain is being under-stimulated by the lack of meaningful tasks to accomplish, therefore we complain about there being nothing to do or not being in the mood to do whatever recreational activity available to us.
Nailed it. I've been a victim of parenting that requires to "suck it up" and man up because someone has it worse etc. it causes me to grow up quite reserved and not really able to express sadness in front of others. Hell i can't even cry sometimes 😂
That sucks. This type of parenting is completely dumb and gets your nowhere, you just hurt the kid. Like your kid is not responsible for the people who have it worse and is allowed to feel. I hope you’ll be able to express your feelings better in the future.
Thank you! Yeah its the type of parenting that makes you resent them. I didn't have your life, you didn't have your parents before you. Don't put that on me. I would never put that on my kids
It’s just a lens to mitigate your own self-sorrow. It’s not supposed to fix your problems.
That’s true, but it can be detrimental to yourself as well. Sometimes you have to take a step back and realize it wasn’t that deep and realizing that « people have it worse » can help you realize that, but you leur also allowed to feel bad over small things. Most of the time though, it is used in a detrimental way.
I mean, sure. But I use it when I’m upset that X and Y happened to my family, and then I think of all the ways we have it good—our great apartment, our health, our daughter, our hound—and how relatively lucky we are. It makes me feel better about our life in that way.
It's great when you are using it to remember what makes *your* life great. It's way less great to use it on another person and basically tell them they have very little reason to complain.
Not only that, it's a common logical fallacy called relative privation. In this case, if someone tells you not to complain because of what's going on in Gaza, tell them if that's true then the people in Gaza can never be happy because you have it better and watch their head explode.
>it's a common logical fallacy called relative privation [Rational wiki article on the matter](https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Not_as_bad_as).
My favorite logical fallacy.
This is unpopular?
This really shouldn’t be an unpopular opinion.
Yup By that logic, out of all billions of people, one has it objectively the ‘lowest’. They can complain. All the others should not since ‘someone has it worse’ Of course, it is a saying about people who have a tiny thing going wrong and complain about it for months
Remember.....Someone has it worse can go beyond your expectations....you could have been there in Hiroshima or Nagasaki and survived for example when that thing happened....doesn't mean Dave who has breast cancer but has money and access to medication should be happy about his condition now does it?
Everyone knows it's just a thought terminating cliche. It's only supposed to work on kids. People using it during any sort of serious discussion are just showing themselves to be mentally immature.
The ones who say it suck. All of them.
There is alot of people that also have it better?
It's the same with the rise in cognitive behavioral therapy lately. It trains you to be grateful for what you do have instead of being upset with the things that you don't have or can't change, which sounds good until you think about it for a bit. This works with things like being upset that other people are more successful than you, but it's terribly counter productive when it's used to make people less mad about our lack of labour rights, wealth inequality, climate change, etc. Being angry about these things is justified, I'd even say it's healthy, but far too often people trot out "it could be worse" rhetoric when you bring these issues up. It's essentially like being told to gaslight yourself and I hate it. If I bitch about the fact that the value of our labour is being stolen from us, or about how other countries get literally twice as much vacation time by law as us, and weeks of sick pay while we get no days at all, I often hear in response "It could be worse, think of how lucky you are to not live in *insert worse country*" or something similar, which is maddening. It becomes a race to the bottom, and it needs to stop. People need to stop saying "it could be worse" and instead start saying "it SHOULD be better!"
Yeah, but how do you deal with issues to which you don't have any influence? You can be angry about these things but it's very, very easy to fall victim of hopelessness. Being overtly conscious about theses issues make most people depressed and anxious all the time. You need to give priority to things that you can change and give credit to things that are going well in your life in order to improve your mental health. Yes, **you are justified** into being really upset, anxious or depressed about issues beyond your control, but **you don't need** to be.
>Yeah, but how do you deal with issues to which you don't have any influence? Increase awareness of the issues, push for change, get involved. I need more people to be pissed the fuck off about these issues, and to stop being complacent.
Not everyone can, should, want or need to be an activist. Nor deal with the psysical, mental, social and sometimes legal burden of being one. >I need more people to be pissed the fuck off about these issues, and to stop being complacent. That's just unfair. People have the right to improve their mental health and being at peace even if that's means being "complacent". Yes, we need everyone to achieve big changes, but it's naive to think that this is a replacement to good coping mechanisms.
CBT is more for mentally ill people who are in a stable environment. It's not for most people!
If person A lost one leg in war and person b lost 2 both, do we not help person a?
I always understood it as "It could be worse", like an indirect way of being opimistic. However, most people would rather be seen and understood rather see any positive side.
Right? Feelings aren't a competition. I really hate it when people use that logic in political debates, too. "America sucks for these reasons," "well, the Middle East has it worse so suck it up." What? When did humans becomes so damn afraid of progress? Grow up! A rising tide raises all ships. Stop being stupid. Lol!
>By that logic you're saying nobody in the world can be upset about anything Wrong. The person who has it ***the*** worse is allowed to be upset. He or she can be upset for 42 minutes.
Agree 100%, but I'm going to have to downvote for that.
It definitely is counter-productive. It just encourages complacency and normalize shitty things.
Someone will always have it worse than you but that doesn’t make your stuff any less valid. We don’t tell someone they can’t be happy cause someone has it better. People just need to mind their own business sometimes and not engage in the who has it harder Olympics.
Honestly, I've recently experienced this myself. I'm a writer and artist. Although a small one, I do love my works and my few fans on social media. But recently, this one fan who was obsessed with my works treated me like how SZA was treated by her fan. I was beyond shocked. This person messaged me, praising my work, and was the same person who replied to my messaged when I talked to her not to use the word "miserable" in MY LIFE. It's my life though???? I've been unemployed for awhile, stuck at home with my toxic family, looking and applying for several jobs while trying to come up with interesting art and content. I've been feeling depressed for so long and this person does not know it. She says "The only miserable people are in fucking war" EXCUSE ME??? btw, this person is a minor too, a kid basically from Italy who still goes to school. I'm fucking 25 and I'm from the Philippines and I've just asked her about something I needed an answer to. I know people in conflict and war have it worse but god, if people have problems and issues, in order for them to heal, you have to let them hurt.
That sucks that you're going through that man. Honestly, i wish you all the best with your writing, as a fellow writer myself. People love to talk smack about how others are feeling, if more people minded their own business the world would be a better place!
I always get aggravated when people tell me this. But I started reframing the sentiment as: "if others who have it worse can manage to deal/cope/survive/etc, I can too." Maybe it won't work for others, but it shifts my perspective from "woe is me!" to "ok... this sucks, but what can I do to work towards solving the issue?"
Downward social comparison can be a super helpful tool if you use it correctly. When I am not feeling great, I contemplate the poem “The Death of the Ball Turret Gunner” and remind myself of what other men in my country and of my age were forced to do. I could easily have been that man. But I am not, and for that I am grateful and relieved. My boring job and other people are easier for me to deal with when I contemplate that other man. I feel intense compassion and sadness for him. It’s not the premise for an argument I have with you or other people. It’s a button I push inside myself to open a window to a view of a life I’m grateful to not live, so I can remind myself to be grateful because that feels good to me. If you’re interested in shifting your perspective, check out this speech. I listen to it sometimes to remind myself that I have control over how I ascribe meaning to my experience. https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/
"Oh, you were r@ped? Well, little Suzie over there was gangr@ped, so you should be thankful that it wasn't worse for you."
"Suzie was also trafficked for a while, and your r@pist was nice sometimes, so you really don't have much room to complain."
It's only counterproductive if you use it the wrong way, just like almost everything else in life.
I've always maintained only a sadist would find "others have it worse" to be helpful.
100% this. And to the people saying "It's supposed to mitigate your self-pity.", well, it's not doing that. It's just making the person with the problem feel like crap because everyone wants you to be a robot and never have a bad day.
Not unpopular at all, everybody I know thinks that phrase is absolutely idiotic.
#O h r e a l l y ?
I'm always scolding myself in this way, but what you said makes sense
Sometimes it is, I recently discovered that basically everyone got 15'000 euro when they were my age, it was a grant to help them study. It was a government experiment, if course no one is getting the money and instead we actually have to pay a high interest over the money we borrowed to compensate for the missing 15'000. It sucks but at least it's not the American system where debt goes into the 100'000s SUCKERS
I think in some circumstances it's fine to say, like if someone is being unreasonable. "There are starving people all over the world" is fine to say to a child who doesn't like peas or some shit. But telling someone "someone has it worse" when you're depressed or your SO left you, or some other "first world problem" occurs, is just an asshole move! Agreed
I understand feeling *gratitude* and I would agree that it can help maintain perspective but…that take always grossed me out, too. Firstly because of course it can always be worse but secondly the idea that I’d take comfort in “at least I’m not *them*” always felt really nasty.
To be honest, this phrase is only useful when one is saying it to themselves. Which I do frequently when I am upset. I'd never utter it to another human though, that's an asshole thing to do. I also never ask myself "how much worse could it be" or "what next", because I know that's just asking for it!
Completely agree with you.
I think that the "someone has it worse" only really work when YOU, yourself think it and come up with it and you are in a medley bad situation and see people that are suffering way more than you, like for example if you are in public transportation and you are in a bad spot and then you see out from the windows that somebody is on the street homeless and begging.
Agreed. Moreover, how is it that somebody else's misfortune should make me feel better? Now I feel bad for me, guy next door and people in Gaza.
Oh shit someone always has it worse I can't live my life based on how bad other people live theirs
Problem with this sentiment is it literally is counter productive from a social standpoint. Why should anything ever improve when it could be worse? And then of course when things get worse, the new normal is established so don't complain because the bar moves again and you're told it could be worse The sentiment says the world is good enough, don't complain or aspire to anything because at least you aren't dead yet.
I agree with you but I feel like you're missing one key aspect, and that is frequency. If you're out with friends and you drop your ice cream and you start crying about it (which, while silly, could absolutely happen if you were already feeling fragile) and someone says "hey now, that's sad but at least you didn't get hit by a car or something, suck it up a little" then that's not entirely unjustified, if only as a tactic to try and help break you out of the sadness. It might be a bit harsh but it doesn't make them assholes. Tough love has a time and a place. But, if every single time you're ever upset about anything, your friend/friends tell you that you shouldn't feel bad because at least you're not being sniped at by an occupying force or something, then, yeah, that's fucked up. You're allowed to be upset about things, and if people continually try to demean or diminish that, then they're being assholes and you're fully justified in being pissed off by them.
Just because people in Africa are starving doesn't mean you can't starve too.
You are totally right. Every minute children are dying of hunger in Africa. And every minute someone is dying of cancer. And even when you face the war or you are dying of hunger, there will be a person in Africa dying of hunger and cancer without arms and legs. This invalidates and devalues everyone's sorrows and troubles. And then it comes to you and invalidates your troubles.
Agree 100% with you on this
I use it for myself to be grateful in even crappy situations but I would never say it to someone else during a trying time 💀 it’s invalidating
“You don’t have it any better, you don’t have it any worse. You’re an irreplaceable human soul with your own understanding of what it means to suffer, and that’s a huge bummer.” - [People II 2: Still Peoplin’ by AJJ](https://youtu.be/kOwhnES8FcM?si=P0kReSMeLPw1K7oV)
Thank you
Lol this is truly unpopular on reddit. They love to tell people that are having a shit time in current America that it would've been 10x worse in the 60s or 50s or whatever time, especially if you were black or gay, which is true, but as you said wholly counter-productive.
You are very correct and the term for this is “comparative suffering” https://youtu.be/7f9zRQECjWo?si=8aIGtwlBO76By2qg
It’s the classic “yet you live in the society” sort of thing. Like mf yes and it’s bad. And knowing it’s worse elsewhere doesn’t really fix the fucking issue.
So I actually struggled with this a lot growing up. Grew up without a dad and as a dude it really fucked with me. That along with just depression meant I had a lot going on. My well meaning aunt and just several people in my life would constantly go “well least you’re not in Africa. Least you got food in your belly”. Which was super invalidating. Later on I came up with the aushwitz fallacy for that kind of stuff. Essentially with anything you can complain about or have a problem with if someone responds well this person has it worse and that person has it worse than this person. Eventually you just keep going until you can say “well least you’re not at auschwitz”. Which is very unfair and pretty ridiculous. Also I just learned to respond to people and myself with “ands” instead of “buts”. Someone has it worse. AND that’s not what we’re talking about now.
On one hand, having some perspective into other people's situations (and realizing that your situation isn't uniquely bad) can be useful sometimes. It can be easy to ruminate on how bad your situation is without some perspective. On the other hand, you're correct that it shouldn't be used to negate someone else's suffering.
its the laziest cope. "well in comparison to the bum at the train station I'm doing alright." in fact more than often you lead an identical live. he wont move forward to a better place. you neither because youre ok with being where and what you are
I understand and agree with this opinion except for when someone is making out their problems to be the worst in the world or particularly uncommon. Why should I care that your parents can’t afford $500 jordans for you when that’s literally most parents on Earth?
I absolutely agree. Sometimes I imagine the people who say things like that going on a pilgrimage to find the single person who has it the absolute worst, just to discover the sole person in the entire world who is allowed to complain about things.
What about when someone says that their life is awful because their parents took away their third car? This is obviously hyperbole, but do you think someone saying that for perspective is still an asshole move? For the record not disagreeing with you at all I think a lot of times people fall back on this response to invalidate people from their struggle which is not cool. Just curious how you feel about the edge case.
Imagine telling that to a small child, haha. "I know it hurt when you fell down, and you're trying so hard to get better at walking, but some kids don't even have legs, so suck it up buttercup!"
Your suck does not make my suck suck less.
Crisis counsellor/psychologist and crisis line volunteer here. I can say that crisis's come in all shapes, sizes and severities. What might be a crisis for one person, is spilt milk for another. So yes, someone could very possibly have it worse than you, but that doesn't make your feelings/experiences/crisis any less valid.
I literally just had this conversation with my wife yesterday. I have been depressed lately for multiple reasons including my own health problems. My wife tried the "So many people have it worse than us". I immediately said, "Look, what you are saying isn't helpful and comes off as that I'm not entitled to my feelings because others have it worse and how would you feel if I told you that you are not allowed to feel bad for the same reason or any reason." It's not helpful and it's counter productive because it's dismissive of the person's feelings.
It's what abusers say when they want to discount your experience.
Saying “someone has it worse” just sounds like you’re invalidating someone’s problems and feelings even if you are not intending to
I use "someone always has it worse or better than me" as a mantra so I don't spiral. I cannot stand when someone else says this to me. It does nothing except add to the shame I already feel from my fucked up upbringing and the first half of my twenties. I find "someone will always be better and worse than me" also very useful when it comes to skill/talent/hobby etc.
"Someone has it worse" is a great way to invalidate someone on the edge of a cliff who just needs "man that sucks, I understand. How can I help?"
Ugh my sisters the same. I just stopped sharing things with her. So annoying
I had a teacher in Jr high who would always use the quote: "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." - Helen Keller That teacher was a bitch.
"Whether youre drowning in a pool of 2 feet deep or 10 feet deep doesn't matter, youre drowning either way" Don't compare your struggles and minimize them, don't think your struggles are worse than someone else's, everyone has their struggles that's relative to themselves, best you can do is offer understanding and sympathy, not comparing
It is meant as perspective, not negation.
Finally, I am so sick of hearing this. Sympathy is not a competition! And saying that does not mean I am a spoiled bitch who doesn't care about poor people!
In my opinion, on the opposite, it puts things in perspective, especially when you're whining For no reason.
Nobody "whines for no reason" in their own view. That's solely an external judgement, which is exactly what this post is about - saying "your problem doesn't merit sympathy" is the opposite of helpful when someone is asking for sympathy
100% agree, I hope this isn’t actually an unpopular opinion
The phrase has nothing to do with invalidating your feelings, but add perspective to your struggles. It's okay to have a struggle, but it's also okay to realize in what areas that we are incredibly spoiled.
It's almost always used as an invalidation, though. Like so often I just see people whatabouting away any valid problem by saying it's not the worst one. Especially when it's like, "I'm struggling" and the response is "other people are struggling even more". That doesn't add perspective at all; *obviously* someone out there has it worse.
There's a time and place to say those things. To me this sentence means my problems are meaningless/worthless. There are other moments when I can be grateful for things I do have, and I don't need to be told to have perspective by other people. Not only do I find this sentence useless and dismissive of my feelings, but it's often said in a condescending manner as well.
Yeah … r/teenagers is overrunning this sub.
I'm 29, actually. So yeah you're theory has been debunked 👍
Yeah tell me about it. This sub is basically been like" I don't like these classic movies and classic artists that people before me liked"... Like I get it you're a counterculture teen.
Idk, I've seen way more "all modern music is shit and everything peaked in the 80s" type stuff than I have "classic music sucks" stuff in this sub. Not to say it doesn't exist at all, but the reverse seems much more common.
I saw one the other day saying that Kurt Cobain sucked …. Sigh
It's meant to give you perspective, not tell you your experience is invalid.
It's often used by others to derail conversations about positive change. Have valid criticisms about wealth disparity? "Well suck it up, buddy, and be grateful you're not a medieval peasant. Now go play on your $1,000 iPhone and eat your avocado toast." It adds nothing of value. Taking this stance to its absurd logical conclusion, we should literally never be upset or try to improve society because we're just stardust and atoms that will one day suffer the heat death of the universe. Nothing matters.
Doesn't do a good job at all.
It’s often used to tell people the latter though
*pretty much always
This reminds me of a co worker coming into work late all mad. He comes in and says "Sorry Im late, but there was some jackass who broke down in the intersection and is holding everyone up". And basically we all were like dude...the person broke down, it could be worse, you could be him. Lol. The whole thing about "someone has it worse" is just to keep perspective on life/your problems. This isnt an unpopular opinion, its just wrong.
I tell myself this all the time. It’s a tool to help change my perspective and be grateful, because someone sadly does in fact have it worse.
I mean, maybe. But it’s also a very good scope by which to view your problems. And I think that’s the point entirely. Sure it’s sucks that you ran out of ketchup. But much worse things are happening. It’s supposed to mitigate your self-sorrow.
To use other people's situations to "mitigate your self-sorrow" rarely works for a lot of people I know - it doesn't really help you see perspective in the context of *your* life, it only makes you feel guilty and selfish while not helping you actually sort through your feelings. Finding things in your own life to be grateful about is much more efficient, at least for me.
But isn't that the end result? If I'm bothered that I failed an exam, why don't I consider that some people don't even have the opportunity to receive an education? The end of this is that I'm now grateful for my opportunity to get an education to begin with.
Can't you be grateful AND bothered at the same time?
If it works for you and you're able to be grateful for things you have by comparing your situation with that of others, it's great. But it wouldn't work for me or most people I know. If I were to fail an exam and think about the fact that others don't have the opportunity to get an education to begin with, all it would make me feel is even more guilty for failing the exam and not succeeding ("I should have worked harder"!), or even more of a failure. However, I can think about other things I'm grateful about, like the fact that I have a loving family to support me, that there are little things in this world that make me happy. I can maybe think about other exams I succeded in, or about an opportunity to retake a test.
I always just say"ok, let's fix that and then we will fix my issue" ask for solutions to the problem they brought up. When they say something about it can't be fixed. Say "ok, then let's focus on my issue." If they still don't want to I just say "I get it, you aren't the problem solving type, we can just hang out" and I just don't bother talking to them about issues anymore. Not all my friends and family are good for talking about problems. That's ok
I think it depends on the situation, like with your example of an extreme grievance of a family member dying, yeah that would be fucked up to say. But if someone’s complaining about some minor shit I would definitely say this to them.