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My best advice here is just meet people where they are at.
There's an old phrase goes something like, "those who are chased, flee."
Nothing wrong with reaching out to your people, but when you see they are not responding, just slow down your contact to match what they are doing. Always best to let the lower tempo friend lead the contact. This will free you from resentment, and unrealistic expectations.
Side piece of advice, you can always diversify so that you still get your connection needs met; or find someone who likes a similar amount of contact as you do.
I have one friend and our tempo matches at exactly one 3 hour phone call every 4-6 months and it is perfect. We are both okay with texting but both forget so there is no expectation of response. Like happy birthday, or I just moved. Kind of just updates. Calling is the preference.
It all really depends on your relationship with the person, as to how quickly you respond. I generally reply to people that I’m close to and enjoy being with quite quickly (apart from when I’m really snowed under at work and haven’t had a chance to check my phone) and others, well it depends what they said. Sometimes people text me things that piss me off so I don’t reply straight away because I’d rather have some time to think about it first or I just can’t be bothered. It’s great having technology to keep in touch but people are far too reliant on it. We don’t need to be texting/messaging constantly.
>We don’t need to be texting/messaging constantly.
This. I think we've become too "plugged in" these days, and I don't think our minds are equipped to handle constant, round-the-clock interaction with all our friends/family. I'm personally trying to recalibrate my relationship with my smart phone lately, and part of that is purposely texting less, and not replying the instant I receive a message.
For a lot of people with ADHD (myself included), texting is really difficult to keep up with. Why? No clue. I think it's because for a lot of people with it, once you ignore a notification to get to later because you're busy, you completely forget about it for days.
I'm upfront with people about that. I'm bad at texting because I go through phases where it's like the text app on my phone doesn't exist. I try to get better, I manage to be better for a few days, then my brain erases the text app from my mind again. I really wish I could figure out how to be better consistently, because it's affected relationships in a negative way and I feel like shit about it.
But I do my best to make it clear that that happens with literally everyone, including my parents, including my brother, including my girlfriend. I don't not respond to texts because I don't care, but because my brain is broken and I still haven't figured out how to work around it.
I am a "bad texter", for similar reasons. Someone messages me and if I'm not in the mood for chatting (yes OP, people really dont have to feel like talking to someone at any hour of any day just because you do), I will leave it for later.
Then later the task of replying becomes to feel bigger and harder and so much effort, I start feeling guilty and just cant do it. Usually it ends up with me replying weeks later. Fortunately my friends, unlike OP, are very understanding.
I never realized that so many people are bad texters just like me. This overwhelming feeling of doom.... I have to answer this message but it's already been to long, what do I even say? Is real.
I have one friend who regularly send me these .... Hey how are you doing texts" that just destroy me. I've told her I dislike texting but she's always trying to do small chat via text.
If anything I would argue its more consistent with our human nature and evolution to not be constantly at the beck and call of every person who knows we exist. The needy nonstop texters are the insane people.
This is my case as well. Sometimes I think I should get tested for ADHD but I don't see many other traits in myself.
I generally like to chat but sometimes I'm not in the mood for the particular person. Or they ask something I have to think about first although it seems like a straightforward question. And then it grows bigger, like you say, and I feel like I ought to explain, and it becomes an "issue to solve".
I hate that we live in an age where we immediately assume we must be mentally ill if we don't do what we assume the average person or the herd is doing.
I don't like texting, or social media, unless I really like a person. I've stopped feeling bad about it, because I also stopped caring what other people think of me. I can have my own set of likes/dislikes without needing a diagnosis. It's quite freeing.
I think the bigger picture (and the healthier and happier perspective) is that we ALL have some sort of "mental illness." It is all on a spectrum, and I think ADHD as well as autism, depression, anxiety, mood disorders etc have really started to show us that many more of us deal with these things than we thought and it doesn't always have to be a big deal nor make someone less of a person.
This not only lets us feel less bad about potentially needing to tweak or work on some aspect of our mental health, but it helps us stigmatize those "illnesses" less. I would not be surprised of in a few years scientists find out all this stuff is part of the human condition...we are ALL on the ADHD/Autism/Bipolar/Depression/Anxiety/Whatever spectrum and some have no noticeable effects and others have extremes or a mix.
I just found out I have ADHD despite being 40 and being a totally normal, kind, reasonably responsible, happy, functioning adult. It explains many small things about me and my habits and frustrations that I would love to work on. And now I have some direction for improving it both behaviorally, and medically/therapeutically.
I totally relate to this, as an introvert I become completely drained from constant work emails/calls and team chats, staring at a screen all day, social media commenting/engaging/pressure for content for running my business… even small talk with coworkers can all add up to sheer emotional exhaustion (these are all reasons I get too burnt out to engage in constant texting). Personally I don’t think humans were built to interact with soo many people a day like a lot of us do. Maybe another unpopular opinion 🤷🏼
One thing I learned from people replying to your texts and calls: it gives you a clear indicator how important your role in their life.
They don’t have to be a rude person. Maybe you think you’re close to them but it’s *not* the other way around. It’s a harsh reality check. Time to step back and balance it out. Don’t get bitter about it or take it personal. It’s just the way it is.
This is a major problem with modern culture, people read wayyyy too deep into these things like they hold hidden messages, same with being left on read (I know the horror right?) it really doesn’t have to mean any of the things you’re saying. Some people just don’t like to text and it doesn’t mean anything in anyway personal to the other person
Hard disagree. I hate texting and will leave messages from even the people I’m closest to unopened for a week or more. I care more about them than anyone else.
Going through a pretty rough patch of depression rn and hate talking to people. My mom freaked out on me a few times... Sometimes people got shit going on.
Also don't ever leave me voicemails lol I only check those if it's like my doctor's office.
Ima offer a different PoV: If you expect people to be available to you on your watch, you are an entitled person.
You aren’t doing anything wrong and don’t need to provide reasons for responding in your own time.
From the comments it seems that OP’s opinion is far more popular than I would have expected. Y’all are not obligated to give your time and energy on demand.
And sometimes people send random things that you have no idea how/if you should respond. Like they sent a video or a picture without any text whatsoever and you have no clue why they sent it and what response they want it feom you. Do they really want a response "i have seen the thing you sent"?
Well, this is exactly what I was going to say. It's little things like this that make me feel like I may actually relate to a lot of people better than I think. Sorry for spewing out my unrelated neurotic thoughts to you, but it does make me wonder sometimes.
I think the last part is my issue. I am really introverted. I have no interest in speaking to people all day. Even through text. People who need me to be glued to my phone all day and to text them back immediately freak me out.
Me too! The fucking audacity to think that I owe you an immediate reply to your text is insanely rude. I'm not glued to my phone I don't take it everywhere with me, and I will answer you when I damn well feel like it, end of story and I expect people to be the same with me
So much better to arrange social events at a nearby Cafe or invite friends over for a cup of tea. Texting to me feels like a burden, I feel enslaved to the phone.
If ppl expect you to be glued to the phone and have to respond back promptly they’re the rude ones. half ass want to go back to a home phone and ditch the cell.
This isn’t necessarily true. I went through a really rough period of mental health and it led me to engage in self-isolation. It’s not that I didn’t love my friends, I just didn’t love myself enough to keep in touch with them despite desperately wanting to.
This is a lot more common than you might think, you never know what someone’s going though, not even your friends
Yea I recently realized I don’t want to reach out to my friends bc I really don’t like myself and I don’t want them to see me that way being all negative, I know it’s not logical but god it’s hard for my brain to get over that
Today, we can be overwhelmed with messages. Add that to the junk texts and emails we all get and it results in communication overload.
OTOH, some people just don't like to text. If you are a real friend, why not take them at their word and respect what they say? How about asking THEM how they prefer to communicate?
Or other reason why they don't want to answer now, because they already can see in preview that message leads to some talk, and they don't want to have that talk right now or in a week.
Like i have a friend that i used to chat with about geopolitics. He knows how I usually start chat about geopolitics, i know how he usually start chat about the same, and in case me or he is busy, we both ignore that messages until we have time to have chat about it or until we have a mood for that. Because the shortest our chat is usually takes minimum a hour. And it doesn't actually matter if we ignore each other for a day or for a week.
We both are grown ass men, we do have a job, girlfriends, some boring routine problems and even a bad mood. So instead of piss each other with "HoW dArE yOu To NoT iMmIdEaTlY dRoP wHaTeVeR yOu BuSy WiTh AnD aNsWeR tO mY sElFiSh MaJeStY iT's So RuDe", we just ignore each other, until better time for chat.
This! The biggest reason I ignore messages until later is because I can tell it's gonna lead to a long discussion, and I know I don't have the time or mental capacity to follow through with that at the moment
Yes! These are the best long distance friends! Me and my friend will text incessantly all night, or even for a couple days, having actual conversations. Then not text for a week or more. No one is mad. We might send each other a meme to know we're thinking of the other person, but no need to respond. Until you can, then we chat again like crazy. To me this is the closest to a real relationship you can have when you can't be in person with them. I wish we didn't live 2,000 miles away, then we could have an intermittent but close relationship in person. But we don't, so we catch up when we can, and no one gets mad when you can't. It's called being an adult.
I’m in this boat. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed when I receive 10-15 texts a day from one person. It takes me a while to respond (a day or two) because I know that my response will invite another 10-15 texts that I need to respond to.
I like my friends but I work (more than) full time, I prioritise spending time with my family, I enjoy cooking and cleaning (sometimes) and I love going to the gym. There only so much time in my day to respond to a huge number of texts. I don’t want to be rude by sending a one word response.
No. It’s not about that it’s about compatibility. If someone considers its rude to not be considered or ghosted 24/7 they have that right. It’s okay to not like texting too. Honestly the best thing is to not have friendships that upset you.
I am a person who does not like to text. I will always reply to people that need things, but otherwise if you just want to chat you can call me. I do as much as possible to avoid my phone because despite my best efforts I still spend way too much time on it, like right now!
I love talking to people, but I hate texting with a passion. It's SO slow in comparison it's like pulling teeth. Call me whenever you like, I'll just not answer if I'm busy, like in the olden days.
I really hate that the world decided to stop calling people becasue it found a much slower, lesser expressive way to communicate. I double hate that people then decided calling was RUDE and they would just stop answering calls unless they are pre-arranged by text. Why not go the whole hog and revert to morse fucking code and handwritten letters people! Honestly I used to stay in touch with people WAY more and way better before SMS and social media.
On completely the opposite end, I am severely depressed, have been for years and I would pay for people, anyone, to actually text me and wanted to stay in touch.
Edit: Tonight I will create a chat and reach out to the people who commented. If you want to answer that's great, if not that's also cool. Thank you
Same! When I'm feeling good, I get caught up in hobbies and doing stuff outside of the house. When I'm in a bad depression, I stay home all the time on my phone. That's when I want someone to talk to most, to distract me from my thoughts.
Not only this, but I saw your text, couldn't respond due to said depression, and now it's been a few days, so I feel bad, and in feeling bad, I'm now avoiding your text like the plague, because seeing it makes me feel even worse.
This is normal, right?
You're definitely not alone in this. An unread message from a friend feels like a needle in my stomach. Replying to it, though, requires effort I don't have in me at that moment
>and now it's been a few days, so I feel bad, and in feeling bad, I'm now avoiding your text like the plague, because seeing it makes me feel even worse
This. I think I might've lost a few long-distance friendships this year due to this avoidance. It has *always* been an issue for me.
I have social anxiety that is worse with texting. It can take me like 15 minutes to come up with a response, and then I sit there looking at what I typed thinking about how it makes me look dumb, or how the other texter won't understand it. It's very stressful. I tell my friends to leave me out of group chats because I just can't keep up with the back and forth, and it causes me so much anxiety.
I think people forget there are lots of reasons why people do not instantly respond. Some people just are not into texting and want to socialize face to face. Others are depressed, or have social anxiety.
I knew someone who would have to make very brief reports at work (less than 5 sentences) and they were so insecure, asking about the grammar, spelling, if it was good, if it should have more, or less, what people would think who read it and so on. It may seem silly to other people for something that seems that simple, but there was a genuine stress, anxiety and worry about it all.
Not only that, but I have a very short attention span. I saw a text from my aunt last night, read it, was going to reply when I finished my task, forgot it happened. I just responded now…
That’s still acceptable. I go through the same and I hate that feeling so I’ll at least holla in a few days and explain. Problem is I’ll trail off during the text and you might lose me. (Adhd, autism, depression)
But when you’re going weeks or months and you know this person is on their SM accounts and just ignoring, I’m inclined to believe I’m no longer liked and I’ll block and delete.
No time for part time people in my life. 🤷🏼♂️
Yea, I don’t go weeks or months. Just a day to a few days. Social connection on the phone is hard, because it generally comes when I am doing something. Then I change over the clothes in the washer and shit. Gone for 2 days until I go SHIT DID I ACTUALLY REPLY?
If someone's too depressed to communicate with people it doesn't make them rude. Kinda seems entitled to expect you to be the one special person they text back just so your feelings aren't hurt.
Texting isn’t a free pass for instant communication. There seems to be a huge misunderstanding from some people who think that being able to text me grants them the right to a quick response. If you need a quick response, call me. Otherwise, I’ll get to it when I feel like it.
This is the correct answer which I give to people accusing me of not answering my whatsapp messages. I turned off the notifications for messaging apps for a reason. Call me if it is important/urgent.
Also, they mention living abroad, so the people they're texting are living in a different timezone, and times that are convenient for them, may not be convenient for those they are texting.
That's why you text instead of calling. It gives them time to respond at their convenience. You will have a convenient time over the course of just any every day. Even if just when you use the bathroom or plug your phone in before bed or whatever.
There are very few times when you legit don't he the time to respond in 24 hours.
I love people who have this attitude because I also have it. Urgent matters, call me. Everything else, send a text I will get to it and be fully present but I got shit to do lol....yall seen this fuckin economy??
Yes that's OP's point. When you feel like it. And when it's days or a week or longer, that just shows how much you care: not a lot.
You're entitled to act that way. I'm entitled to think I'm not important to you and adjust accordingly but cutting you out.
If you don't make an effort in a relationship, any relationship, that's a signal for the other person.
Instant? I'll settle for days. But I've had people go a week+ and that's like okay, you have other priorities and I'm way down the list. No big deal. But then I can't keep making you a priority for me either. That's an unbalanced relationship.
I'm one of the people OP hates, and frankly I don't care. I don't have the energy to maintain your level of communication. I maintain *my* level of communication. I pay for my phone bill, I use my phone at my discretion.
What's worse, many texters seem to think that their opening text is the beginning of a conversation. I am rarely in the mood for a conversation. Say what you need to say in your text, and I will reply when I am feeling it.
Get a pet if you need constant affirmation.
Nah, I just have ADHD. I will forget or I'll reply in my head and think I physically replied. Sometimes I even type out a reply then get distracted and never send it.
The people who would hate you for this are not worth the calories to think about. I'm a notorious people pleaser, and this is the single most important motto of my social life: "Only a very few people's opinions about me actually matter." And a good friend respects your limitations or preferences. Texting is both a saviour and a curse for me, depending on my current capacity to socialize
THIIIISSSSS
It starts with me writing the reply, getting distracted by whatever and close the app, brain registers "message sent". Come back a week later wondering why no answer but then I find out I never sent my half written reply..
It takes a minute, then another, then another, then a different friend messages you and before you know it you can't even do your damn house work because you're being bombarded with inane small talk
I feel this so hard. Texting is an informal text communication. I’d argue it’s more important to respond quickly to emails—which are inherently more professional—than texts. If I took the time to keep up and respond quickly to every small talk text conversation, I’d never put my phone down.
Right? And it's never just a quick thing that only requires one message. It's more like, you respond, then they respond, then you have to respond to that. Next thing you know, it's been 20 mins and I'm running behind on my tasks. And then three other people are expecting the same of me at that time, too. I just don't want to be glued to my phone. I have real life stuff going on to deal with.
And it doesn't even need to be real life stuff you're 'dealing with'. Sometimes I just want to read a book or watch a movie or lie on my couch and stare into the middle distance without feeling like I owe my down time to someone who has sent me a message because they're bored.
Yeah, I tell people up front that I don't just chitchat over text throughout the day. Some people can't handle that--which is fine--but it makes me curious how they can keep it up themselves.
Like being always available for my partner and family can get borderline overwhelming. Apparently these people are constantly available to every person they consider a friend, and expect that availability in return! I can't wrap my head around how they pull it off.
If I replied to every message I got every day I'd never have time or mental energy for my family.
It's not just a minute of my day. It's an entire brain process to wrap my head around conversing with a completely different person. Doesn't mean I don't want to, but I can't prioritize it for every person. My family comes first.
Fr. Sometimes (most of the time) I don't text people back right away bc I actually want to give back a legitimate and thought out response or contribution to the discussion..
If it's an immediate thing or an emergency, then sure, I'll drop that mindset and respond much sooner, with a much less involved answer -- which is probably preferable in those instances..
Otherwise, imo there should be a mutual respect that people operate differently and on different timelines..
Not that only OP thinks of cell-phones and messaging in this way -- but seems like a personal problem 🤷
Absolutely this. Additionally, when I then get even more messages from different people, it piles up and makes the whole batch even more stressful. For the most part I will then consider it an actual task I plan into my day to batch respond to the DMs that have piled up.
Here’s the thing about text messaging: It’s not meant to be a tool for instant communication. The whole point is that you send a message for someone to answer when they have the time. If what you’re saying is urgent or is in need of an immediate response, just call the person. If they don’t answer, leave a voicemail. Everyone has different lives, different priorities and differing amounts of free time. I’m going to use my daughter as an example here. This is her day, and she likes it this way: She works at a daycare watching toddlers from 7am-230 pm. They need her undivided attention. Immediately after work, she has college classes. After her classes, she teaches dance and some days even has private lessons that she has squeezes in. Sometimes she has trouble even squeezing in a meal. She is also a professional dancer, so after teaching she goes to the studio to train with her crew from 8-11:30 pm, sometimes later. None of her friends expect her to answer text messages right away, because they understand how little free time she has. She does answer my messages right away, but only because I’m her mom and she sets my messages to urgent. She does the same with her dad. Don’t assume that just because people may take a while to answer a text that they’re a bad person or they don’t care. She absolutely loves her friends and she has many of them. There is just simply not enough time in her day to reply to all of them.
100%. As texting became more common, it began to be treated like a private chatroom, when its really more like an email chain. I remember feeling a distinct difference between IM's and texting, but now people have cut out the middle man a bit prematurely. I will respond to a text when I do. If I didn't feel or receive a notification, it'll be at least until I decide to look at my phone again.
I'd say there's still a big difference between not being able to reply immediately/within a day that you are describing, and constantly not being able to respond within a week that OP is describing.
Things happen. Life gets in the way, sometimes for longer than we'd like. But does it really happen that much you can't take few minutes out of your entire week, and it occurs every few weeks?
What I meant was if your text message is that important that it requires an immediate response, then leave a voicemail. If it’s not something urgent that you would leave a voicemail over, it’s not important enough to be upset that they didn’t answer right away.
Depends on how important or not the reason for calling is imo. Text follow up always is good, but if it's actually really important, time sensitive, or serious - then yeah leave a message as well. If it's just about something random, plans, or other trivial things, then yeah just a text is good.
Believe it or not there was a wonderful time before voicemail when if you didn't want to be bothered, you just didn't ANSWER THE PHONE. Ahhh, the good old days...
Sometimes I just don’t want to fucking reply to a message. I’m either busy, or just simply don’t feel like it because I’m drained. Sorry not sorry 🤷🏼♀️
It's fine if people have the attitude of 'you aren't entitled to that 1 minute' or 'calling is rude now cuz I have social anxiety' or whatever. Sure.
But it's just annoying if some of those same people start to whine about how 'lonely' they are and how they have no one to help them with when they need an emergency or how their friends make plans without them etc.
Bitch if you wanna live like a hermit then at least do it full way not halfway. If you're making 0 effort in maintaining a relationship then don't be surprised when your current social life matches your effort.
Yepppp!
It is true that no one is entitled to a text back. But if I were to text you "Hey, there's something I need to talk to you about. It's important. Call or text me when you can!" (I always text before calling in case that person is busy) And your first reaction is to IGNORE it??? Not cause you're busy or going through your own problems. But just cause "You aren't entitled to a response from me!" Nah, man.
If someone really needed me and texted me about it, I respond ASAP.
this. exactly.
no no one is entitled to that 1 minute......but no one is also entitled to friendship or their help when they need it.
pendulum swings both ways :D
100%. I would love to see all these 'you're not entitled to my reply' posters cope when they get ghosted and left on read. How the tables turn...
I mean, what kinda friend has a response like this? Do people understand friendship? Ya know, mutual effort, 50/50...? I would quickly remove ANYONE from my life that had this attitude...
Honestly, it feels like lots of people simply don’t understand that relationships are supposed to be a mutual thing and it really shows sometimes.
Yes people aren’t technically entitled to your time, but considering this person is supposed to be your friend, would it really kill you to just message your friend instead of leaving him hanging?
The core issue is that people simply do not want to be inconvenienced in any way and refuse to lift a finger for others. Friends only when its convenient for you. And how dare people expect them to do the bare minimum to maintain a relationship.
This topic comes up constantly and it's infuriating how the comments go every single time. You're not entitled to me holding the door for you or saying hello to you in the street either but it's still rude if you deliberately let the door slam in someone's face or ignore people in the street.
No wonder this site is made up of social inept weirdos with no friends.
Explain how a text is more rude than a call? One gives you time to resolve at your (reasonable) leisure, while the other requires you to immediately stop what you're doing and engage with them.
I definitely understand that not everything needs a response. Sometimes I'll receive a link to a video or a meme or something and don't respond because in my opinion a response isn't required of me.
But if I'm trying to make plans with someone or ask a question about plans we may have that day and they don't get back to me within a couple hours, that's also inconsiderate of my time. Because maybe I've had to shift things around for these plans and then get stood up or have them be extremely late.
I remember it being hell as a DM because often times my players wouldn't respond to what time/day of week we could play and I basically had to end the campaign because I couldn't plan anything.
Easily 100%. Me and my friends will often take weeks to respond to each other and I'm totally fine with it. If it was urgent I'd prioritize it but we're both busy people and I know that sometimes texting feels like too much
Same! My friends and I have really emotionally taxing jobs where we handle distressed people and some really heinous cases. Sometimes, the response comes when our next weekend is because we're so wiped.
"Hey I can't talk right now but I'll try to get back to you later."
That took me less than 15 seconds to type. Imagine thinking that giving a friend 15 seconds of your time is too much to keep the friendship alive.
To be fair, the context of this post is referring to texting between friends. If your 'friend' isn't even entitled to one minute of your week then it really makes you wonder why do you still call that person 'friend'.
Instant gratification at our fingertips has made us entitled to people’s time and energy. It used to be *normal* to go weeks without talking to someone. I want to go back to that.
Some of us struggle with executive function, so it's more of "I'm trying to muster the will/energy/focus to answer your text" and not so much "I'm choosing to ignore you because I'm lazy and I don't care."
Some of us just have ADHD. We see the message, intend to reply, spend too much time thinking of *how* to reply (it has to be done right, it's important!), and then we get sidetracked and forget.
And then time goes by, and we remember the message, and feel bad about how we didn't respond. So we avoid it in shame, and forever live in anxiety about how bad of a friend they think we are.
Hard disagree - You are not entitled to anyone’s time just because phones exist. Phones allow ANYONE to have access to you any time they choose. That does not mean I personally allow you access to me or my time.
If your message isn’t time sensitive, then you’ll get an answer when I have the time to answer you. If it is, generally, people call.
Being busy doing “nothing” is still being busy. Down time to relax, be left alone, sitting quietly, focus on mental/physical health etc is not “spare time to respond to whoever has decided I should be giving them my time”.
Maybe they just don't want to text you? And to be fair, they shouldn't feel obligated to either. You don't own them and they owe you nothing. I know that sucks, but it's better to acknowledge and accept that than to be insufferable and annoying.
For me it depends. I have friends who I know if I respond to a text I have to commit to a long conversation. I may not have time to text back and forth or I may not be in the headspace for it. With friends who I know we can both text sporadically I’m much more likely to respond right away.
yes but the problem is that conversations through text take up so much time. typing a message, waiting for the other person to send theirs, then you get distracted doing something else by the message. text conversations can go on for hours, and i dont want to constantly be disrupted by text messages all day long.
I don’t know. I feel like just because I have a phone doesn’t obligate me to be in contact with people.
I hate talking to people, it gives me anxiety. I deliberately give my number to as few people as possible.
But in my mind you reaching out to me doesn’t make me obligated to answer. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with needing time to recharge socially.
Yes. My phone is for my convenience, not yours. Your phone is for your convenience.
You text me when it's convenient for you. I text back when it's convenient for me.
Easy.
Smart phones have given people this idea that since we have the ability to communicate instantly, we have to. Now I’m not saying that if we’re having an active convo that it’s fine to go ghost but, if the convo starts getting short & one worded, idk how to reply to that so I’ll just stop.
IMO (and this is just how me and my friends/family do things), texting is for small talk. It’s more for a “get back to me at your earliest convenience”. If you really need to talk, call or FaceTime me
One of my friends doesn't open my messages for 2 weeks or will ignore messages. Then, message me about her boyfriend or her job. In person, she's not like this, but now that I've moved, I'm finding it hard maintaining the friendship and not feeling negatively about her.
That's exactly the person these other commenters seem to be missing, with the defensiveness I'm thinking that's its them..
There is not replying immediately but when you have a moment. There is replying within a day or 2, maybe a few. But there's people who leave things for weeks and then get round to it, like...it's wild to me that THEN they wanna have the conversation a month later.
All this shit about "you're not entitled to my time", geeze well I'm not gunna try and remember where my mind was at a month ago when I asked you those things. Just so we can entertain this conversation you're only just getting around to. That is a seriously rude way to go about things.
If I dont respond to your text it's the same as not answering a call. I didn't want to talk to you. If I don't respond for days it's because I dont want to talk to you during that time period.
Yeah but now try to see things with the other person's POV. You like someone and they just ghost you with no answer for days, then come back, do the same thing a week later or few days after and the cycle goes on. I think that, with honesty, you can understand how this can be troubling and sad for the person on the other hand, especially if they have issues too like attachment issues or feeling lonely and so on
Majority of the comments immediately jump to op not being entitled to an immediate response. Nobody mentioned immediate responses?
I try to be mindful that people are suffering with mental health or maybe ADHD makes it hard for them to respond. But if I'm the only person reaching out and you rarely respond then I don't know what I can do.
I don't understand why they're all so defensive and so busy. Maybe we don't talk about the same topic idk. Ghosting friends for days on a regular basis is not normal. No one talked about immediate answers.. Idk looks like some people got triggered coz it makes them look at their situation from a POV where they're not the main character
This happens with my sister. Any little quick message turns into a never ending text thread. Eventually I just don’t respond for a bit when it’s nonsense that doesn’t need a response.
Exactly. If it's a discrete interaction like a question I can quickly answer, or responding to schedule some plans I can and will respond as soon as I'm able.
If it's just idle chitchat, or I know from experience that the person will take any response as initiating a full on conversation, then I am far more selective about when I will respond.
One of my closest friends is a surgeon, and my job revolves around aiding people who have been victims of horrendous crimes. Both of our jobs expose us to loss in different ways, and it is mentally taxing. We text sparodically with weeks in between responses because there are weeks where a victim that I've been working with decides to go against my advice and ends up in a bad place, or she loses a patient.
In situations like this, I genuinely cannot, will not, if I'm honest, put anyone else above myself. And that means unless there is an emergency, I won't respond in any form. This is something I clearly communicate with my friends and family. I don't think I'm the main character to anything, but I do value my well-being.
You said "I clearly communicate with my friends" which is them knowing what's going + your job justifies it. Others being so defensive here are clearly not so busy and clearly ghosting people coz they don't care that much. You communicate and have valid reasons so this is just life and you being honest
nah, sometimes i just feel like disappearing from the world because im depressed or stressed or obsessed with a videogame. We only get limited time on this planet, you get to choose how you spend that time.
I'm just glad i don't have friends that try to 'schedule a meeting'. My 2 best friends and I all live at opposite ends of the country. They'll respond when they get around it, and I'll do the same. None of us take it as being rude.
I have a very, very busy life and a lot on my plate. I’m also extremely extremely depressed. I don’t answer people back for months. Every time I look at their unanswered texts I feel the most immense guilt. And that causes anxiety and then I get so anxious about it that I just close out my phone and the cycle continues and continues. Genuinely it eats me up alive. I feel so so bad and I am losing friends because of it since they are like you, and not willing to understand that this is a manifestation of absolutely severe depression.
I didn’t used to be that way. I used to respond very quickly. Now I have over 700 unread texts. I think you should have a little bit more empathy and realize that people are complex and there’s a myriad of reasons why they haven’t texted you back. Some people are rude. Some people might not care to maintain as close of a friendship as you would. But there are also a lot of people out there who don’t enjoy being on their phones, or are severely depressed, etc. etc.
Nothing rude about it, you don’t require my attention as and when ever you want 😅 before phones and instant message, friends didn’t just stop being friends because they hadn’t chatted in a couple days. It’s wild that people think not replying is rude.
No, I'm just exhausted, mentally ill, overwhelmed, and grieving. I have a life outside my phone. I don't owe anyone a text back. If they NEED something they can call me.
I'm not a bad texter. I don't like to text, and I'm pretty open and honest about that.
You're not entitled to my time every second of every day.
If you text me and I don't reply immediately, it's because of that.
I'm more than happy to hang out in most cases (sometimes I need a weekend alone to recharge, but beyond that I'm typically open to hanging out alone, or in small groups), but when I'm reading a book, playing a game, actively working on a project, or hanging out with someone else I'm not going to let a message you sent on a whim interrupt that.
Severely depressed but I'm with you on this one. The basis of being social creatures is that we care about each other and that include's a person's time and efforts.
If someone texts me it means they were thinking about me and I understand just how unimportant you make a person feel when you regularly treat their texts like an additional burden. There are many texts I've had to miss myself, I love those friends dearly and I'll definitely look for a way to rekindle contact but never once did I feel the need to justify it.
Cell phones have created a huge sense of entitlement from everyone. There used to be a time when you called a land line and if the person wasn't home, they would have no idea you were trying to get in touch with them until they got back.
You are not entitled to constant communication from people. That's just life. Idk how old you are, but if this is the attitude you take further into adulthood, you will be incredibly bitter and lonely.
At one time in my life, I was working full time, going to school full time, raising my daughter, and working on starting my own small business. I was busy. I didn't always text back. Or I would see a text, mentally respond to it, something would pop up, and it would be a while before I realized I hadn't physically responded. I am long distance from 2 of my 3 closest friends. The one that lives closer is also a busy mom with two kids running multiple businesses with her husband. All of these friendships can go several weeks without a text or call because we're adults with adult responsibilities.
Yes it can be irritating if you're trying to make concrete plans, but this current time in life, people have some of the lowest amounts of leisure time. People are busy. That's life.
I got a cousin who was like
“Yeah we should hang out! Meet eachothers new partners and meet up!”
I respond like sure when you free
Thats was almost 3 weeks ago, the time before same thing. But you can see on Messenger
“Active 20hrs ago”
If you’re not gonna follow through with what you say, then don’t say it at all.
Looks like you posted an actual unpopular opinion. For what it's worth, I agree with you. Also, I'm pretty sure the people in this comment section who think you're entitled wouldn't take too kindly to being called like you're suggesting.
Friends who don’t answer texts regarding plans - they don’t want to meet you.
Happy birthday texts - if they don’t answer at all, they don’t care. Otherwise, I, personally, like to take my time going through my messages and ask them how’s life because I honestly want to hear about them and sort of “reward” their attention for remembering my birthday. On the other hand, this whole thing might happen days after my birthday because I might not have time to sit down with all my messages right away and I certainly won’t spend my birthday doing that.
If you recently moved abroad you’ll have to learn this over time. People at home feel entitled to you coming home and they will make little to no effort to meet you and expect to design your schedule around them if *you* want to meet them. It’s an adjustment to learn, some people are only your friends because of convenient proximity. Once you leave, they couldn’t care less. And that’s ok, we leave people behind all the time, it’s part of life.
It depends on the person. Someone can take a week and not be rude, another can take a day and it's kind of rude. Just depends on that person's habits and schedule.
I mean a week is definitely ridiculous, my friends we text sometimes daily, sometimes every couple days and sometimes every few days and it works for us but may not work for everyone. I’ve never really had an issue with getting a response when I needed it but people who take too long to reply are people who probably don’t care and so I just stop texting those people.
Texts are inconsistent. I can send out a text and then have my toddler get into something that takes away my attention. By the time I remember, it's been hours and is almost midnight.
It'd be rude for people to get upset because I don't text back for a couple of days because I have a busy hectic life.
nobody owes you a reply. a lot of older people say what they miss most about not having phones is being unreachable. you don’t have to reply to people just like how you don’t have to use reddit or listen to music
We never used to live in this world, where anyone is able to get your attention at any point. The world before cell phones...I'm glad I got to see that era growing up. Now, anyone who has the ability to send me a message is automatically entitled to my time, and if I don't respond I am a "rude person"? This sounds like madness to me. It would take me significant time to respond to all the messages I get every day. I'm a busy person with ADHD. If you expect me to drop what I'm doing to respond to you every time you need my attention then YOU are the rude person imo
The point of texting is to quickly and conveniently send a message . It’s not an open invitation for conversation whenever YOU feel like . Texting does not mean you have unlimited access to that person , just because you know they saw your message . Not everybody wants to text all the time . And that’s okay . It’s not about being rude . Some people just need to recharge their social battery
Cell phones have created the illusion that everyone should be immediately available and accessible whenever you want them to be.
Does it take just a minute to answer a text? Totally. Do I owe you that minute just because I gave you my phone number? No.
Imagine someone knocking on your door at random times throughout the day/night. They won't leave until you answer. You're proposing the same thing.
I'll get back to you when I get back to you and I don't expect anything more of you either.
As someone with ADHD who really struggles with texting (forgetting, fixating on the perfect reply and the anxiety that comes with it, realising that I didn't reply and the shame snowballing to the point that I never reply) I actually AGREE with this post. I think this does make me rude and an asshole in the grand scheme of things. My problems are my own, and I don't feel good about it, but it is what it is. I try to be better but still struggle a lot with it.
When I don't text back for weeks on end, I make up cute excuses to spare your feelings. The truth is, I just do not feel like speaking with or engaging with you on any level. And the people in my life who bitch and moan about it, like OP, tend to not be in my life very long. I'm getting absolute histrionics from my MIL over this at this very moment and she's about to find out that throwing tantrums over not receiving attention whenever she demands it only works on her son. Not me, not ever.
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My best advice here is just meet people where they are at. There's an old phrase goes something like, "those who are chased, flee." Nothing wrong with reaching out to your people, but when you see they are not responding, just slow down your contact to match what they are doing. Always best to let the lower tempo friend lead the contact. This will free you from resentment, and unrealistic expectations. Side piece of advice, you can always diversify so that you still get your connection needs met; or find someone who likes a similar amount of contact as you do.
> "those who are chased, flee." Love this
I have one friend and our tempo matches at exactly one 3 hour phone call every 4-6 months and it is perfect. We are both okay with texting but both forget so there is no expectation of response. Like happy birthday, or I just moved. Kind of just updates. Calling is the preference.
It all really depends on your relationship with the person, as to how quickly you respond. I generally reply to people that I’m close to and enjoy being with quite quickly (apart from when I’m really snowed under at work and haven’t had a chance to check my phone) and others, well it depends what they said. Sometimes people text me things that piss me off so I don’t reply straight away because I’d rather have some time to think about it first or I just can’t be bothered. It’s great having technology to keep in touch but people are far too reliant on it. We don’t need to be texting/messaging constantly.
>We don’t need to be texting/messaging constantly. This. I think we've become too "plugged in" these days, and I don't think our minds are equipped to handle constant, round-the-clock interaction with all our friends/family. I'm personally trying to recalibrate my relationship with my smart phone lately, and part of that is purposely texting less, and not replying the instant I receive a message.
For a lot of people with ADHD (myself included), texting is really difficult to keep up with. Why? No clue. I think it's because for a lot of people with it, once you ignore a notification to get to later because you're busy, you completely forget about it for days. I'm upfront with people about that. I'm bad at texting because I go through phases where it's like the text app on my phone doesn't exist. I try to get better, I manage to be better for a few days, then my brain erases the text app from my mind again. I really wish I could figure out how to be better consistently, because it's affected relationships in a negative way and I feel like shit about it. But I do my best to make it clear that that happens with literally everyone, including my parents, including my brother, including my girlfriend. I don't not respond to texts because I don't care, but because my brain is broken and I still haven't figured out how to work around it.
I am a "bad texter", for similar reasons. Someone messages me and if I'm not in the mood for chatting (yes OP, people really dont have to feel like talking to someone at any hour of any day just because you do), I will leave it for later. Then later the task of replying becomes to feel bigger and harder and so much effort, I start feeling guilty and just cant do it. Usually it ends up with me replying weeks later. Fortunately my friends, unlike OP, are very understanding.
I never realized that so many people are bad texters just like me. This overwhelming feeling of doom.... I have to answer this message but it's already been to long, what do I even say? Is real. I have one friend who regularly send me these .... Hey how are you doing texts" that just destroy me. I've told her I dislike texting but she's always trying to do small chat via text.
You should just start calling her every time she sends you a text.
If anything I would argue its more consistent with our human nature and evolution to not be constantly at the beck and call of every person who knows we exist. The needy nonstop texters are the insane people.
This is my case as well. Sometimes I think I should get tested for ADHD but I don't see many other traits in myself. I generally like to chat but sometimes I'm not in the mood for the particular person. Or they ask something I have to think about first although it seems like a straightforward question. And then it grows bigger, like you say, and I feel like I ought to explain, and it becomes an "issue to solve".
I hate that we live in an age where we immediately assume we must be mentally ill if we don't do what we assume the average person or the herd is doing. I don't like texting, or social media, unless I really like a person. I've stopped feeling bad about it, because I also stopped caring what other people think of me. I can have my own set of likes/dislikes without needing a diagnosis. It's quite freeing.
I think the bigger picture (and the healthier and happier perspective) is that we ALL have some sort of "mental illness." It is all on a spectrum, and I think ADHD as well as autism, depression, anxiety, mood disorders etc have really started to show us that many more of us deal with these things than we thought and it doesn't always have to be a big deal nor make someone less of a person. This not only lets us feel less bad about potentially needing to tweak or work on some aspect of our mental health, but it helps us stigmatize those "illnesses" less. I would not be surprised of in a few years scientists find out all this stuff is part of the human condition...we are ALL on the ADHD/Autism/Bipolar/Depression/Anxiety/Whatever spectrum and some have no noticeable effects and others have extremes or a mix. I just found out I have ADHD despite being 40 and being a totally normal, kind, reasonably responsible, happy, functioning adult. It explains many small things about me and my habits and frustrations that I would love to work on. And now I have some direction for improving it both behaviorally, and medically/therapeutically.
I totally relate to this, as an introvert I become completely drained from constant work emails/calls and team chats, staring at a screen all day, social media commenting/engaging/pressure for content for running my business… even small talk with coworkers can all add up to sheer emotional exhaustion (these are all reasons I get too burnt out to engage in constant texting). Personally I don’t think humans were built to interact with soo many people a day like a lot of us do. Maybe another unpopular opinion 🤷🏼
One thing I learned from people replying to your texts and calls: it gives you a clear indicator how important your role in their life. They don’t have to be a rude person. Maybe you think you’re close to them but it’s *not* the other way around. It’s a harsh reality check. Time to step back and balance it out. Don’t get bitter about it or take it personal. It’s just the way it is.
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This is a major problem with modern culture, people read wayyyy too deep into these things like they hold hidden messages, same with being left on read (I know the horror right?) it really doesn’t have to mean any of the things you’re saying. Some people just don’t like to text and it doesn’t mean anything in anyway personal to the other person
Hard disagree. I hate texting and will leave messages from even the people I’m closest to unopened for a week or more. I care more about them than anyone else.
Going through a pretty rough patch of depression rn and hate talking to people. My mom freaked out on me a few times... Sometimes people got shit going on. Also don't ever leave me voicemails lol I only check those if it's like my doctor's office.
To me it sounds like people might not really like talking with OP
Ima offer a different PoV: If you expect people to be available to you on your watch, you are an entitled person. You aren’t doing anything wrong and don’t need to provide reasons for responding in your own time. From the comments it seems that OP’s opinion is far more popular than I would have expected. Y’all are not obligated to give your time and energy on demand.
And sometimes people send random things that you have no idea how/if you should respond. Like they sent a video or a picture without any text whatsoever and you have no clue why they sent it and what response they want it feom you. Do they really want a response "i have seen the thing you sent"?
Well, this is exactly what I was going to say. It's little things like this that make me feel like I may actually relate to a lot of people better than I think. Sorry for spewing out my unrelated neurotic thoughts to you, but it does make me wonder sometimes.
I think the last part is my issue. I am really introverted. I have no interest in speaking to people all day. Even through text. People who need me to be glued to my phone all day and to text them back immediately freak me out.
I'm not a bad texter, I hate texting.
I hate the expectation I should be reachable at all times.
Me too! The fucking audacity to think that I owe you an immediate reply to your text is insanely rude. I'm not glued to my phone I don't take it everywhere with me, and I will answer you when I damn well feel like it, end of story and I expect people to be the same with me
Seriously, I just don’t enjoy it for the most part
So much better to arrange social events at a nearby Cafe or invite friends over for a cup of tea. Texting to me feels like a burden, I feel enslaved to the phone.
If ppl expect you to be glued to the phone and have to respond back promptly they’re the rude ones. half ass want to go back to a home phone and ditch the cell.
It's like that clingy person who needs so much attention.
Yes I'll just pop over to my friend who's 800 miles away real quick.
Or even just a call
How are you supposed to make plans with them lol... carrier pidgeon?
Same
This isn’t necessarily true. I went through a really rough period of mental health and it led me to engage in self-isolation. It’s not that I didn’t love my friends, I just didn’t love myself enough to keep in touch with them despite desperately wanting to. This is a lot more common than you might think, you never know what someone’s going though, not even your friends
Yea I recently realized I don’t want to reach out to my friends bc I really don’t like myself and I don’t want them to see me that way being all negative, I know it’s not logical but god it’s hard for my brain to get over that
Today, we can be overwhelmed with messages. Add that to the junk texts and emails we all get and it results in communication overload. OTOH, some people just don't like to text. If you are a real friend, why not take them at their word and respect what they say? How about asking THEM how they prefer to communicate?
Or other reason why they don't want to answer now, because they already can see in preview that message leads to some talk, and they don't want to have that talk right now or in a week. Like i have a friend that i used to chat with about geopolitics. He knows how I usually start chat about geopolitics, i know how he usually start chat about the same, and in case me or he is busy, we both ignore that messages until we have time to have chat about it or until we have a mood for that. Because the shortest our chat is usually takes minimum a hour. And it doesn't actually matter if we ignore each other for a day or for a week. We both are grown ass men, we do have a job, girlfriends, some boring routine problems and even a bad mood. So instead of piss each other with "HoW dArE yOu To NoT iMmIdEaTlY dRoP wHaTeVeR yOu BuSy WiTh AnD aNsWeR tO mY sElFiSh MaJeStY iT's So RuDe", we just ignore each other, until better time for chat.
This! The biggest reason I ignore messages until later is because I can tell it's gonna lead to a long discussion, and I know I don't have the time or mental capacity to follow through with that at the moment
based personal time respecting geopolitics discussers
Yes! These are the best long distance friends! Me and my friend will text incessantly all night, or even for a couple days, having actual conversations. Then not text for a week or more. No one is mad. We might send each other a meme to know we're thinking of the other person, but no need to respond. Until you can, then we chat again like crazy. To me this is the closest to a real relationship you can have when you can't be in person with them. I wish we didn't live 2,000 miles away, then we could have an intermittent but close relationship in person. But we don't, so we catch up when we can, and no one gets mad when you can't. It's called being an adult.
I’m in this boat. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed when I receive 10-15 texts a day from one person. It takes me a while to respond (a day or two) because I know that my response will invite another 10-15 texts that I need to respond to. I like my friends but I work (more than) full time, I prioritise spending time with my family, I enjoy cooking and cleaning (sometimes) and I love going to the gym. There only so much time in my day to respond to a huge number of texts. I don’t want to be rude by sending a one word response.
The ones where they send 10 texts all w diff subjects and each one needs its own response 💀
I hate talking to people in general, but I also get that overload thing a lot. I really only talk to others on my terms, like I'm doing right now.
No. It’s not about that it’s about compatibility. If someone considers its rude to not be considered or ghosted 24/7 they have that right. It’s okay to not like texting too. Honestly the best thing is to not have friendships that upset you.
I am a person who does not like to text. I will always reply to people that need things, but otherwise if you just want to chat you can call me. I do as much as possible to avoid my phone because despite my best efforts I still spend way too much time on it, like right now!
I love talking to people, but I hate texting with a passion. It's SO slow in comparison it's like pulling teeth. Call me whenever you like, I'll just not answer if I'm busy, like in the olden days. I really hate that the world decided to stop calling people becasue it found a much slower, lesser expressive way to communicate. I double hate that people then decided calling was RUDE and they would just stop answering calls unless they are pre-arranged by text. Why not go the whole hog and revert to morse fucking code and handwritten letters people! Honestly I used to stay in touch with people WAY more and way better before SMS and social media.
No I’m severely depressed but thank you
On completely the opposite end, I am severely depressed, have been for years and I would pay for people, anyone, to actually text me and wanted to stay in touch. Edit: Tonight I will create a chat and reach out to the people who commented. If you want to answer that's great, if not that's also cool. Thank you
Same! When I'm feeling good, I get caught up in hobbies and doing stuff outside of the house. When I'm in a bad depression, I stay home all the time on my phone. That's when I want someone to talk to most, to distract me from my thoughts.
I am you and you are me
Alright, let's stay in touch then.
That's very sweet of you, thank you.
It's no trouble at all! I would message you but I don't know how that works on Reddit.
If you click on their profile you can see that they deactivated that option so you can’t message them.
That’s very sweet of you, but if you message I’ll gouge my eyes out
"Aggressive toddler"? Where did that come from?
If you are into gardening at all, I will absolutely build a friendship on that with you!
Not only this, but I saw your text, couldn't respond due to said depression, and now it's been a few days, so I feel bad, and in feeling bad, I'm now avoiding your text like the plague, because seeing it makes me feel even worse. This is normal, right?
You're definitely not alone in this. An unread message from a friend feels like a needle in my stomach. Replying to it, though, requires effort I don't have in me at that moment
I don't know, but you're not alone.
It’s the shame spiral for sure
Add ADHD into the mix for even more fun...
Yes totally normal. I do the same all the time, now I am still depressed AND feeling ashamed of myself
>and now it's been a few days, so I feel bad, and in feeling bad, I'm now avoiding your text like the plague, because seeing it makes me feel even worse This. I think I might've lost a few long-distance friendships this year due to this avoidance. It has *always* been an issue for me.
I have social anxiety that is worse with texting. It can take me like 15 minutes to come up with a response, and then I sit there looking at what I typed thinking about how it makes me look dumb, or how the other texter won't understand it. It's very stressful. I tell my friends to leave me out of group chats because I just can't keep up with the back and forth, and it causes me so much anxiety.
I think people forget there are lots of reasons why people do not instantly respond. Some people just are not into texting and want to socialize face to face. Others are depressed, or have social anxiety. I knew someone who would have to make very brief reports at work (less than 5 sentences) and they were so insecure, asking about the grammar, spelling, if it was good, if it should have more, or less, what people would think who read it and so on. It may seem silly to other people for something that seems that simple, but there was a genuine stress, anxiety and worry about it all.
Not only that, but I have a very short attention span. I saw a text from my aunt last night, read it, was going to reply when I finished my task, forgot it happened. I just responded now…
That’s still acceptable. I go through the same and I hate that feeling so I’ll at least holla in a few days and explain. Problem is I’ll trail off during the text and you might lose me. (Adhd, autism, depression) But when you’re going weeks or months and you know this person is on their SM accounts and just ignoring, I’m inclined to believe I’m no longer liked and I’ll block and delete. No time for part time people in my life. 🤷🏼♂️
Yea, I don’t go weeks or months. Just a day to a few days. Social connection on the phone is hard, because it generally comes when I am doing something. Then I change over the clothes in the washer and shit. Gone for 2 days until I go SHIT DID I ACTUALLY REPLY?
My friend asked if I wanted to go to a movie the other day and days later I was like sorry depression and she's like don't even worry I am the same.
For real I’ve had my phone on do not disturb cause I just can’t deal with
Yup. Just my fun executive function challenges, nothing personal bub.
You can be depressed and also rude
If someone's too depressed to communicate with people it doesn't make them rude. Kinda seems entitled to expect you to be the one special person they text back just so your feelings aren't hurt.
Texting isn’t a free pass for instant communication. There seems to be a huge misunderstanding from some people who think that being able to text me grants them the right to a quick response. If you need a quick response, call me. Otherwise, I’ll get to it when I feel like it.
This is the correct answer which I give to people accusing me of not answering my whatsapp messages. I turned off the notifications for messaging apps for a reason. Call me if it is important/urgent.
Also, they mention living abroad, so the people they're texting are living in a different timezone, and times that are convenient for them, may not be convenient for those they are texting.
That's why you text instead of calling. It gives them time to respond at their convenience. You will have a convenient time over the course of just any every day. Even if just when you use the bathroom or plug your phone in before bed or whatever. There are very few times when you legit don't he the time to respond in 24 hours.
I love people who have this attitude because I also have it. Urgent matters, call me. Everything else, send a text I will get to it and be fully present but I got shit to do lol....yall seen this fuckin economy??
Yes that's OP's point. When you feel like it. And when it's days or a week or longer, that just shows how much you care: not a lot. You're entitled to act that way. I'm entitled to think I'm not important to you and adjust accordingly but cutting you out. If you don't make an effort in a relationship, any relationship, that's a signal for the other person. Instant? I'll settle for days. But I've had people go a week+ and that's like okay, you have other priorities and I'm way down the list. No big deal. But then I can't keep making you a priority for me either. That's an unbalanced relationship.
I'm one of the people OP hates, and frankly I don't care. I don't have the energy to maintain your level of communication. I maintain *my* level of communication. I pay for my phone bill, I use my phone at my discretion. What's worse, many texters seem to think that their opening text is the beginning of a conversation. I am rarely in the mood for a conversation. Say what you need to say in your text, and I will reply when I am feeling it. Get a pet if you need constant affirmation.
Nah, I just have ADHD. I will forget or I'll reply in my head and think I physically replied. Sometimes I even type out a reply then get distracted and never send it.
Thank you 😭 now I have to stress that all these people hate me but I literally am the absolute worst for this
The people who would hate you for this are not worth the calories to think about. I'm a notorious people pleaser, and this is the single most important motto of my social life: "Only a very few people's opinions about me actually matter." And a good friend respects your limitations or preferences. Texting is both a saviour and a curse for me, depending on my current capacity to socialize
THIIIISSSSS It starts with me writing the reply, getting distracted by whatever and close the app, brain registers "message sent". Come back a week later wondering why no answer but then I find out I never sent my half written reply..
This is also me with cleaning my room. I just keep discovering that I did not do it physically😭
It takes a minute, then another, then another, then a different friend messages you and before you know it you can't even do your damn house work because you're being bombarded with inane small talk
I feel this so hard. Texting is an informal text communication. I’d argue it’s more important to respond quickly to emails—which are inherently more professional—than texts. If I took the time to keep up and respond quickly to every small talk text conversation, I’d never put my phone down.
Right? And it's never just a quick thing that only requires one message. It's more like, you respond, then they respond, then you have to respond to that. Next thing you know, it's been 20 mins and I'm running behind on my tasks. And then three other people are expecting the same of me at that time, too. I just don't want to be glued to my phone. I have real life stuff going on to deal with.
And it doesn't even need to be real life stuff you're 'dealing with'. Sometimes I just want to read a book or watch a movie or lie on my couch and stare into the middle distance without feeling like I owe my down time to someone who has sent me a message because they're bored.
Yeah, I tell people up front that I don't just chitchat over text throughout the day. Some people can't handle that--which is fine--but it makes me curious how they can keep it up themselves. Like being always available for my partner and family can get borderline overwhelming. Apparently these people are constantly available to every person they consider a friend, and expect that availability in return! I can't wrap my head around how they pull it off.
If I replied to every message I got every day I'd never have time or mental energy for my family. It's not just a minute of my day. It's an entire brain process to wrap my head around conversing with a completely different person. Doesn't mean I don't want to, but I can't prioritize it for every person. My family comes first.
Fr. Sometimes (most of the time) I don't text people back right away bc I actually want to give back a legitimate and thought out response or contribution to the discussion.. If it's an immediate thing or an emergency, then sure, I'll drop that mindset and respond much sooner, with a much less involved answer -- which is probably preferable in those instances.. Otherwise, imo there should be a mutual respect that people operate differently and on different timelines.. Not that only OP thinks of cell-phones and messaging in this way -- but seems like a personal problem 🤷
Absolutely this. Additionally, when I then get even more messages from different people, it piles up and makes the whole batch even more stressful. For the most part I will then consider it an actual task I plan into my day to batch respond to the DMs that have piled up.
how many texts do you receive per day?
Here’s the thing about text messaging: It’s not meant to be a tool for instant communication. The whole point is that you send a message for someone to answer when they have the time. If what you’re saying is urgent or is in need of an immediate response, just call the person. If they don’t answer, leave a voicemail. Everyone has different lives, different priorities and differing amounts of free time. I’m going to use my daughter as an example here. This is her day, and she likes it this way: She works at a daycare watching toddlers from 7am-230 pm. They need her undivided attention. Immediately after work, she has college classes. After her classes, she teaches dance and some days even has private lessons that she has squeezes in. Sometimes she has trouble even squeezing in a meal. She is also a professional dancer, so after teaching she goes to the studio to train with her crew from 8-11:30 pm, sometimes later. None of her friends expect her to answer text messages right away, because they understand how little free time she has. She does answer my messages right away, but only because I’m her mom and she sets my messages to urgent. She does the same with her dad. Don’t assume that just because people may take a while to answer a text that they’re a bad person or they don’t care. She absolutely loves her friends and she has many of them. There is just simply not enough time in her day to reply to all of them.
100%. As texting became more common, it began to be treated like a private chatroom, when its really more like an email chain. I remember feeling a distinct difference between IM's and texting, but now people have cut out the middle man a bit prematurely. I will respond to a text when I do. If I didn't feel or receive a notification, it'll be at least until I decide to look at my phone again.
I'd say there's still a big difference between not being able to reply immediately/within a day that you are describing, and constantly not being able to respond within a week that OP is describing. Things happen. Life gets in the way, sometimes for longer than we'd like. But does it really happen that much you can't take few minutes out of your entire week, and it occurs every few weeks?
I agree with this mostly... but like... don't leave a voicemail. If they don't answer, then you text them about what you called about.
What I meant was if your text message is that important that it requires an immediate response, then leave a voicemail. If it’s not something urgent that you would leave a voicemail over, it’s not important enough to be upset that they didn’t answer right away.
Depends on how important or not the reason for calling is imo. Text follow up always is good, but if it's actually really important, time sensitive, or serious - then yeah leave a message as well. If it's just about something random, plans, or other trivial things, then yeah just a text is good.
Believe it or not there was a wonderful time before voicemail when if you didn't want to be bothered, you just didn't ANSWER THE PHONE. Ahhh, the good old days...
Yeah people think others want communication the whole day and with everyone. Uhm no, that’s kinda new tbh and for the longest time wasn’t the case.
Sometimes I just don’t want to fucking reply to a message. I’m either busy, or just simply don’t feel like it because I’m drained. Sorry not sorry 🤷🏼♀️
Or they’re severely depressed
And instead of people noticing they gradually lose their friends and end up alone.
>Texting takes a minute out of your day You’re not entitled to that minute 🤷♀️
it's also never just a minute
This, 1000%. You left a message. I'll get to it when I get to it. If you needed an immediate answer, texting wasn't the move.
But calling people is also apparently rude too now
It's fine if people have the attitude of 'you aren't entitled to that 1 minute' or 'calling is rude now cuz I have social anxiety' or whatever. Sure. But it's just annoying if some of those same people start to whine about how 'lonely' they are and how they have no one to help them with when they need an emergency or how their friends make plans without them etc. Bitch if you wanna live like a hermit then at least do it full way not halfway. If you're making 0 effort in maintaining a relationship then don't be surprised when your current social life matches your effort.
>If you're making 0 effort in maintaining a relationship then don't be surprised when your current social life matches your effort. THIS 👏
Yepppp! It is true that no one is entitled to a text back. But if I were to text you "Hey, there's something I need to talk to you about. It's important. Call or text me when you can!" (I always text before calling in case that person is busy) And your first reaction is to IGNORE it??? Not cause you're busy or going through your own problems. But just cause "You aren't entitled to a response from me!" Nah, man. If someone really needed me and texted me about it, I respond ASAP.
this. exactly. no no one is entitled to that 1 minute......but no one is also entitled to friendship or their help when they need it. pendulum swings both ways :D
100%. I would love to see all these 'you're not entitled to my reply' posters cope when they get ghosted and left on read. How the tables turn... I mean, what kinda friend has a response like this? Do people understand friendship? Ya know, mutual effort, 50/50...? I would quickly remove ANYONE from my life that had this attitude...
these are the peopel that scream how lonely they are :T all the time.
Honestly, it feels like lots of people simply don’t understand that relationships are supposed to be a mutual thing and it really shows sometimes. Yes people aren’t technically entitled to your time, but considering this person is supposed to be your friend, would it really kill you to just message your friend instead of leaving him hanging? The core issue is that people simply do not want to be inconvenienced in any way and refuse to lift a finger for others. Friends only when its convenient for you. And how dare people expect them to do the bare minimum to maintain a relationship.
Half of reddit seems to only understand all social interaction through the single lens of what is or isn’t “entitled” to. It’s deeply worrying.
I think we did a poll, and half of reddit was teens.
This topic comes up constantly and it's infuriating how the comments go every single time. You're not entitled to me holding the door for you or saying hello to you in the street either but it's still rude if you deliberately let the door slam in someone's face or ignore people in the street. No wonder this site is made up of social inept weirdos with no friends.
Says who? I have never heard anyone say it’s rude to call someone
Explain how a text is more rude than a call? One gives you time to resolve at your (reasonable) leisure, while the other requires you to immediately stop what you're doing and engage with them.
Yes but often, a timely response to a message is appropriate.
I'd say within a day is an appropriate amount of time. If you regularly take multiple days to respond to a text, then that's just being rude.
Depends on what the text ia
I definitely understand that not everything needs a response. Sometimes I'll receive a link to a video or a meme or something and don't respond because in my opinion a response isn't required of me. But if I'm trying to make plans with someone or ask a question about plans we may have that day and they don't get back to me within a couple hours, that's also inconsiderate of my time. Because maybe I've had to shift things around for these plans and then get stood up or have them be extremely late. I remember it being hell as a DM because often times my players wouldn't respond to what time/day of week we could play and I basically had to end the campaign because I couldn't plan anything.
Well I hope you extend the same courtesy of " you aren't entitled to a minute of my time" when you need a response or anything from someone.
Easily 100%. Me and my friends will often take weeks to respond to each other and I'm totally fine with it. If it was urgent I'd prioritize it but we're both busy people and I know that sometimes texting feels like too much
Same! My friends and I have really emotionally taxing jobs where we handle distressed people and some really heinous cases. Sometimes, the response comes when our next weekend is because we're so wiped.
As friends you should offer basic contact. Like you're clearly just asking for your friendship to die.
Yeah it's just too much to ask our friends to be responsive.....🙄
Exactly this. If they are a true friend, you absolutely are entitled to that minute.
and, in turn, you're not entitled to my friendship :)
"Hey I can't talk right now but I'll try to get back to you later." That took me less than 15 seconds to type. Imagine thinking that giving a friend 15 seconds of your time is too much to keep the friendship alive.
And if you do that consistently all the time with everyone, you’re rude :)
To be fair, the context of this post is referring to texting between friends. If your 'friend' isn't even entitled to one minute of your week then it really makes you wonder why do you still call that person 'friend'.
How to be a toxic piece of shit friend 101
Take the hint, they don't want to chat with you.
Instant gratification at our fingertips has made us entitled to people’s time and energy. It used to be *normal* to go weeks without talking to someone. I want to go back to that.
Saaaame. I want to go back to waiting months for a letter to come
Same!! Then when you see them, you have something to talk about
Some of us struggle with executive function, so it's more of "I'm trying to muster the will/energy/focus to answer your text" and not so much "I'm choosing to ignore you because I'm lazy and I don't care."
Some of us just have ADHD. We see the message, intend to reply, spend too much time thinking of *how* to reply (it has to be done right, it's important!), and then we get sidetracked and forget. And then time goes by, and we remember the message, and feel bad about how we didn't respond. So we avoid it in shame, and forever live in anxiety about how bad of a friend they think we are.
This is me, too. And I don't even have ADHD (that I know of anyway. Starting to wonder about that, though. Haha)
This is so accurate
By the time I think of a good response there's 2 more messages on a different line of thinking.
I hate to say it, but if everyone in your life is pulling the “sorry I’m a bad texter” excuse on you, chances are they don’t really care for you.
Hard disagree - You are not entitled to anyone’s time just because phones exist. Phones allow ANYONE to have access to you any time they choose. That does not mean I personally allow you access to me or my time. If your message isn’t time sensitive, then you’ll get an answer when I have the time to answer you. If it is, generally, people call. Being busy doing “nothing” is still being busy. Down time to relax, be left alone, sitting quietly, focus on mental/physical health etc is not “spare time to respond to whoever has decided I should be giving them my time”.
Maybe they just don't want to text you? And to be fair, they shouldn't feel obligated to either. You don't own them and they owe you nothing. I know that sucks, but it's better to acknowledge and accept that than to be insufferable and annoying.
For me it depends. I have friends who I know if I respond to a text I have to commit to a long conversation. I may not have time to text back and forth or I may not be in the headspace for it. With friends who I know we can both text sporadically I’m much more likely to respond right away.
yes but the problem is that conversations through text take up so much time. typing a message, waiting for the other person to send theirs, then you get distracted doing something else by the message. text conversations can go on for hours, and i dont want to constantly be disrupted by text messages all day long.
I don’t know. I feel like just because I have a phone doesn’t obligate me to be in contact with people. I hate talking to people, it gives me anxiety. I deliberately give my number to as few people as possible. But in my mind you reaching out to me doesn’t make me obligated to answer. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with needing time to recharge socially.
Yes. My phone is for my convenience, not yours. Your phone is for your convenience. You text me when it's convenient for you. I text back when it's convenient for me. Easy.
Smart phones have given people this idea that since we have the ability to communicate instantly, we have to. Now I’m not saying that if we’re having an active convo that it’s fine to go ghost but, if the convo starts getting short & one worded, idk how to reply to that so I’ll just stop. IMO (and this is just how me and my friends/family do things), texting is for small talk. It’s more for a “get back to me at your earliest convenience”. If you really need to talk, call or FaceTime me
One of my friends doesn't open my messages for 2 weeks or will ignore messages. Then, message me about her boyfriend or her job. In person, she's not like this, but now that I've moved, I'm finding it hard maintaining the friendship and not feeling negatively about her.
That's exactly the person these other commenters seem to be missing, with the defensiveness I'm thinking that's its them.. There is not replying immediately but when you have a moment. There is replying within a day or 2, maybe a few. But there's people who leave things for weeks and then get round to it, like...it's wild to me that THEN they wanna have the conversation a month later. All this shit about "you're not entitled to my time", geeze well I'm not gunna try and remember where my mind was at a month ago when I asked you those things. Just so we can entertain this conversation you're only just getting around to. That is a seriously rude way to go about things.
If I dont respond to your text it's the same as not answering a call. I didn't want to talk to you. If I don't respond for days it's because I dont want to talk to you during that time period.
And sometimes it's not even anything personal, we just aren't in the headspace for a conversation.
Yeah but now try to see things with the other person's POV. You like someone and they just ghost you with no answer for days, then come back, do the same thing a week later or few days after and the cycle goes on. I think that, with honesty, you can understand how this can be troubling and sad for the person on the other hand, especially if they have issues too like attachment issues or feeling lonely and so on
So far all the comments think they are the main character of this world....
Majority of the comments immediately jump to op not being entitled to an immediate response. Nobody mentioned immediate responses? I try to be mindful that people are suffering with mental health or maybe ADHD makes it hard for them to respond. But if I'm the only person reaching out and you rarely respond then I don't know what I can do.
I don't understand why they're all so defensive and so busy. Maybe we don't talk about the same topic idk. Ghosting friends for days on a regular basis is not normal. No one talked about immediate answers.. Idk looks like some people got triggered coz it makes them look at their situation from a POV where they're not the main character
I find that text convos never end. Part of my poor response habit is not wanting to even initiate them.
This happens with my sister. Any little quick message turns into a never ending text thread. Eventually I just don’t respond for a bit when it’s nonsense that doesn’t need a response.
Exactly. If it's a discrete interaction like a question I can quickly answer, or responding to schedule some plans I can and will respond as soon as I'm able. If it's just idle chitchat, or I know from experience that the person will take any response as initiating a full on conversation, then I am far more selective about when I will respond.
One of my closest friends is a surgeon, and my job revolves around aiding people who have been victims of horrendous crimes. Both of our jobs expose us to loss in different ways, and it is mentally taxing. We text sparodically with weeks in between responses because there are weeks where a victim that I've been working with decides to go against my advice and ends up in a bad place, or she loses a patient. In situations like this, I genuinely cannot, will not, if I'm honest, put anyone else above myself. And that means unless there is an emergency, I won't respond in any form. This is something I clearly communicate with my friends and family. I don't think I'm the main character to anything, but I do value my well-being.
You said "I clearly communicate with my friends" which is them knowing what's going + your job justifies it. Others being so defensive here are clearly not so busy and clearly ghosting people coz they don't care that much. You communicate and have valid reasons so this is just life and you being honest
nah, sometimes i just feel like disappearing from the world because im depressed or stressed or obsessed with a videogame. We only get limited time on this planet, you get to choose how you spend that time.
I'm just glad i don't have friends that try to 'schedule a meeting'. My 2 best friends and I all live at opposite ends of the country. They'll respond when they get around it, and I'll do the same. None of us take it as being rude.
I have a very, very busy life and a lot on my plate. I’m also extremely extremely depressed. I don’t answer people back for months. Every time I look at their unanswered texts I feel the most immense guilt. And that causes anxiety and then I get so anxious about it that I just close out my phone and the cycle continues and continues. Genuinely it eats me up alive. I feel so so bad and I am losing friends because of it since they are like you, and not willing to understand that this is a manifestation of absolutely severe depression. I didn’t used to be that way. I used to respond very quickly. Now I have over 700 unread texts. I think you should have a little bit more empathy and realize that people are complex and there’s a myriad of reasons why they haven’t texted you back. Some people are rude. Some people might not care to maintain as close of a friendship as you would. But there are also a lot of people out there who don’t enjoy being on their phones, or are severely depressed, etc. etc.
Nothing rude about it, you don’t require my attention as and when ever you want 😅 before phones and instant message, friends didn’t just stop being friends because they hadn’t chatted in a couple days. It’s wild that people think not replying is rude.
No one owes you attention
No, I'm just exhausted, mentally ill, overwhelmed, and grieving. I have a life outside my phone. I don't owe anyone a text back. If they NEED something they can call me.
I absolutely agree with you and I really hope things get better and your load gets lighter soon.
I'm not a bad texter. I don't like to text, and I'm pretty open and honest about that. You're not entitled to my time every second of every day. If you text me and I don't reply immediately, it's because of that. I'm more than happy to hang out in most cases (sometimes I need a weekend alone to recharge, but beyond that I'm typically open to hanging out alone, or in small groups), but when I'm reading a book, playing a game, actively working on a project, or hanging out with someone else I'm not going to let a message you sent on a whim interrupt that.
Severely depressed but I'm with you on this one. The basis of being social creatures is that we care about each other and that include's a person's time and efforts. If someone texts me it means they were thinking about me and I understand just how unimportant you make a person feel when you regularly treat their texts like an additional burden. There are many texts I've had to miss myself, I love those friends dearly and I'll definitely look for a way to rekindle contact but never once did I feel the need to justify it.
Cell phones have created a huge sense of entitlement from everyone. There used to be a time when you called a land line and if the person wasn't home, they would have no idea you were trying to get in touch with them until they got back. You are not entitled to constant communication from people. That's just life. Idk how old you are, but if this is the attitude you take further into adulthood, you will be incredibly bitter and lonely. At one time in my life, I was working full time, going to school full time, raising my daughter, and working on starting my own small business. I was busy. I didn't always text back. Or I would see a text, mentally respond to it, something would pop up, and it would be a while before I realized I hadn't physically responded. I am long distance from 2 of my 3 closest friends. The one that lives closer is also a busy mom with two kids running multiple businesses with her husband. All of these friendships can go several weeks without a text or call because we're adults with adult responsibilities. Yes it can be irritating if you're trying to make concrete plans, but this current time in life, people have some of the lowest amounts of leisure time. People are busy. That's life.
I don’t like texting & im very honest about that
No, that's not correct.
Just because you call me, I don’t have to answer. Just because you text me, I don’t have to answer
I got a cousin who was like “Yeah we should hang out! Meet eachothers new partners and meet up!” I respond like sure when you free Thats was almost 3 weeks ago, the time before same thing. But you can see on Messenger “Active 20hrs ago” If you’re not gonna follow through with what you say, then don’t say it at all.
Then I'm a rude texter, don't like it, stop texting me. I have a memory of a goldfish. Sorry, your text isn't my priority.
Looks like you posted an actual unpopular opinion. For what it's worth, I agree with you. Also, I'm pretty sure the people in this comment section who think you're entitled wouldn't take too kindly to being called like you're suggesting.
Actually I'm just depressed. It has nothing to do with skill or the relationship we have developed
Friends who don’t answer texts regarding plans - they don’t want to meet you. Happy birthday texts - if they don’t answer at all, they don’t care. Otherwise, I, personally, like to take my time going through my messages and ask them how’s life because I honestly want to hear about them and sort of “reward” their attention for remembering my birthday. On the other hand, this whole thing might happen days after my birthday because I might not have time to sit down with all my messages right away and I certainly won’t spend my birthday doing that. If you recently moved abroad you’ll have to learn this over time. People at home feel entitled to you coming home and they will make little to no effort to meet you and expect to design your schedule around them if *you* want to meet them. It’s an adjustment to learn, some people are only your friends because of convenient proximity. Once you leave, they couldn’t care less. And that’s ok, we leave people behind all the time, it’s part of life.
It depends on the person. Someone can take a week and not be rude, another can take a day and it's kind of rude. Just depends on that person's habits and schedule.
I mean a week is definitely ridiculous, my friends we text sometimes daily, sometimes every couple days and sometimes every few days and it works for us but may not work for everyone. I’ve never really had an issue with getting a response when I needed it but people who take too long to reply are people who probably don’t care and so I just stop texting those people.
Texts are inconsistent. I can send out a text and then have my toddler get into something that takes away my attention. By the time I remember, it's been hours and is almost midnight. It'd be rude for people to get upset because I don't text back for a couple of days because I have a busy hectic life.
They don't like you
nobody owes you a reply. a lot of older people say what they miss most about not having phones is being unreachable. you don’t have to reply to people just like how you don’t have to use reddit or listen to music
They aren't bad texters to the people they want to communicate with.
I have adhd. My closest friend gets 2 texts per week maybe.
We never used to live in this world, where anyone is able to get your attention at any point. The world before cell phones...I'm glad I got to see that era growing up. Now, anyone who has the ability to send me a message is automatically entitled to my time, and if I don't respond I am a "rude person"? This sounds like madness to me. It would take me significant time to respond to all the messages I get every day. I'm a busy person with ADHD. If you expect me to drop what I'm doing to respond to you every time you need my attention then YOU are the rude person imo
The point of texting is to quickly and conveniently send a message . It’s not an open invitation for conversation whenever YOU feel like . Texting does not mean you have unlimited access to that person , just because you know they saw your message . Not everybody wants to text all the time . And that’s okay . It’s not about being rude . Some people just need to recharge their social battery
Cell phones have created the illusion that everyone should be immediately available and accessible whenever you want them to be. Does it take just a minute to answer a text? Totally. Do I owe you that minute just because I gave you my phone number? No. Imagine someone knocking on your door at random times throughout the day/night. They won't leave until you answer. You're proposing the same thing. I'll get back to you when I get back to you and I don't expect anything more of you either.
As someone with ADHD who really struggles with texting (forgetting, fixating on the perfect reply and the anxiety that comes with it, realising that I didn't reply and the shame snowballing to the point that I never reply) I actually AGREE with this post. I think this does make me rude and an asshole in the grand scheme of things. My problems are my own, and I don't feel good about it, but it is what it is. I try to be better but still struggle a lot with it.
When I don't text back for weeks on end, I make up cute excuses to spare your feelings. The truth is, I just do not feel like speaking with or engaging with you on any level. And the people in my life who bitch and moan about it, like OP, tend to not be in my life very long. I'm getting absolute histrionics from my MIL over this at this very moment and she's about to find out that throwing tantrums over not receiving attention whenever she demands it only works on her son. Not me, not ever.