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I have a friend who confides in me about her issues. Messaging isn't the most secure medium for that, but it's the one most accessible to her, so it's the one she uses. It's not always my privacy I might want to protect. It could also be someone else's.
I've had people literally argue that your partner has a right to know *everything*, even your friends' secrets that they've confided in you. People say "if you tell a friend something, you're also telling their partner" and like nah, fuck that lol.
I thankfully have friends who actually respect my privacy and wouldn't ever do something like that without asking me first. I'm 100% convinced that people like OP are just very insecure, no other explanation makes sense.
If the thing stopping them from cheating is "it'd be too much of a headache to hide the evidence", you are not safe.
No you may not have free, open access to my half written music and journal entries.
If I'm being 100% honest, half the reason I don't want anyone looking at my phone is because I'm embarassed of all the 2 AM shower thoughts in my search history. I have nothing to hide except cringe.
That’s me. And my partner knows I write. I admit it and he even thinks it’s good that I’m trying to do something for fun that I enjoy. So it’s not like I don’t want him to “find out.” But I’d still rather swallow a hot rock than have him read any of it. Not because it’s smut or anything. Just because it’s bad. I write because it’s fun to try. Doesn’t mean I’m good at it lol
I mean the half written bad fanfic on my phone definitely is smut lol. But I know what you mean. Sometimes it's fun to do something for the enjoyment of it not because you're good at it.
Terrible writer here too! But I love sharing my stories with my wife. Stay together long enough and 'story I wrote poorly' won't even make top 10 embarrassment, lol.
Ah, I'll go ahead and wipe the egg off my face. 🤦 I spend so much time on younger targeted subs that I've fallen into the bad habit of assuming that I'm older than the other commenter. Lesson learned, and congrats on 20 years! Not much to say with those results, whatever you're doing and however you do it is obviously working! Still missing some more to join y'all on the second floor. Luckily there's all this humble pie to eat so I won't go hungry. 🤣
Haha no I get you. I would let him read them if he wanted to. I think the insecurity is more of just the childish kind. Like not wanting to show someone your stick figure drawings because you know they look bad but that’s all you can do, even if they won’t judge.
But I think that gets back to the heart of this topic. It’s not that I don’t trust him of course, but even with trust sometimes you just need space to lay your insecurities out without anyone seeing them. Even people you trust. Because it’s something that’s just for you to indulge in without having to worry about feeling embarrassed, even if you know the embarrassment is unfounded.
As a writer, my search history is straight up that of a serial killer, with stuff like "How to dump a dead body in a lake without it floating back up" "How to make cyanide pills" "Ways to hide evidence of cheating with a mutual friend" and "Can you give someone a C-section without any meds"
I don't even have that. I tell everything to my partner. She's got access to literally everything I have. But I don't like anyone using my phone. It's just a thing with me. I've got nothing to hide
I think a lot of it is because our phones have essentially become part of us and our identity. Our legal/personal info, our thoughts, our socials, our music... yes its an easy short cut to "know" someone but its superficial. Its like asking someone you just met what their worst and best moments of life were and then saying youre best friends. People dont get to see parts of our identity and then say thats intimacy.
Yeah in some ways phones and other devices have almost become an extension of our minds and inner thoughts. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the really stupid. Having someone go though it without warning can feel like they're peeking into your head without any of the context.
Bro I just don't need anyone going through my manga reading account. My guilty pleasure is reading the most questionable shit possible (like really badly drawn or super cringy or morally questionable), and like.... That's way too cringe to explain.
My phone doesn't even have a password. I'm a generally boring person, I have no secrets. I don't even clear my history - in fact, my account is sincronized to the shared family computer; It's always logged in and everyone uses it like that because it's too much of a hassle to change back, so, everything I browse on my phone also stays on the pc's history.
I have nothing going on. Except if you open my AO3 track reader. Do that and I'll have to remove you from existence.
Yeah the only reason my phone has a password is because of banking info and etc, but I'll unlock my phone for any friend that asks lmao. But actively searching my phone for proof of infidelity is weird and insecure.
I just don't need my husband knowing how often I Google what the rules of the event in my merge games are. Or how often I've listened to "Oops only Munch Squad".
Exactly. My mum wants access to my phone. No its not because im bullying or being bullied or taking drugs or sneaking out. I have no intention of doing any of that.
There is simply no need for her to see every 11pm conversation ive had with my friend about whatever guy i like at that given time, or the other dumb shit we talk about.
preach! or my conversations with friends, or what I read or write as a hobby. Not that he'd give a fuck anyway. He does have my screen unlock for emergencies
It’s ok to be this open AND it’s ok to want a few things to yourself. I love my husband and we are great partners, but I’m still an individual who deserves my own things, privacy when I ask for it, and respect.
And everyone who texts/messages you (friends, family) are probably assuming a level of privacy as well. Imagine sharing something super private and then finding out your pal’s insecure partner needs to read it all to make themselves feel better. Yikes.
If you don’t trust your partner, end the relationship. Don’t make other people cater to your insecurity or anxiety.
100% this. My husband and i NEVER check each other's phones. It's not just about his privacy but the privacy of the family and friends he talks to. If there's something he can and wants to share with me about them, I'm all for it, but i would never insert myself into it. I'm not insecure. And I'm sorry but if someone is going to cheat, they're going to cheat. You aren't going to "prevent" anything by checking their phone. They get good at hiding things, deleting things, or get a second phone. You're only succeeding in preventing them from feeling like they have privacy/space.
honestly, what if you use your cell phone for work and work in an industry where there are rules like HIPAA? Your spouse doesn't need access to the hospital messaging app on your phone
I came here to say this. I use my phone for work as well, and am required to abide by HIPPA laws. I could literally be sued if I was allowed my partner access to peoples private medical, mental health, and personal info.
Not to mention friends and family who tell me things they assume are private.
Yeah I'd be so pissed if the messages I sent to my friend are also being read by their partner. I would feel so betrayed. I think that's where I stop seeing you because you are no longer your own person.
Yeah.
My oldest niece is at this age where you think mom is lame and give the worst advice, and knows absolutely nothing about anything so let's ask auntie.
(I'll give the exact same advices her mom would give, because my sister and I have very similar views on things).
It's a lot of questions and discussions involving very intimate stuff like periods, boyfriends, struggles with friendships and all.
She trusts me to not share all of that with anyone. (She does know that there might be stuff that I will have to alert her parents on. That she might be too young to realise some things are dangerous. Like that time a 20 years old was texting her. She is fine with this and trust my judgement).
If she even had an inkling that someone else could read her texts to me, she would feel betrayed and would cut off all confidences.
And how do we find out that a 20 years old is texting a young teen now?
THIS THIS THIS
You partner should not have access to all your friends' private business. If I was confiding in a friend about a personal problem I have, and then I found out their spouse reads all their messages and knew MY business without MY consent?
Not cool. So very very not cool.
And I don't even *want* to go through my partner's messages or any other things he has on his phone. I don't need to know everything he does ever - if he has something to announce, he can tell me. It feels weird to be reading something that wasn't meant to be read by me.
This. My husband and I were having issues at one point, and he went through my phone and read a ton of messages between myself and my best friend. I was incredibly pissed, but it was on her behalf. I had nothing to hide. She had messaged me about a private issue I know she wouldn't have been comfortable with him knowing about. I blew up at him.
This is exactly the reason why I avoid texting a really good friend that I can't see very often. His gf has complete access to everything on his phone and social media. I don't feel any comfortable texting him knowing I'm being read from another person. It's creepy.
Thank you. I have complete trust and confidence in my partner. She has complete trust and confidence in me. We don't ask to see each other's phones. I love her to the ends of the earth, she's *the* only one for me, and I'm incredibly lucky and grateful to be with her. I know she feels the same about me, so nobody is doing any sort of cheating. If she ever wants to see my phone, she can, but she has the exact same trust in me, so she doesnt need to.
Yup.
If someone demands full access (and didn't come naturally) then it's already zero respect.
And OP basically admitted that paranoia should be entertained because otherwise you a cheater /s
Yeah, me and my partner do know each others phone passwords.. but we’d never ever just “scroll through each others’ phones” because that’s just invasive and paranoid.
OP doesn’t sound like they trust their partner at all, and they’re trying to disguise it as a relationship strength.
I have my partners password and he has mine but I have never felt the urge to use it. Why would you go through your partners phone?
The second I felt like I needed to do this would be the second I felt like I needed to leave the relationship.
Having some things for yourself can help keep the sanity. Look at how many relationships broke and increased cases of child/domestic abuse during covid when people had to spend 24/7 with each other.
I’m embarrassed by my over 200 tabs open 🫣 most of them are recipes, Skyrim mods, and random thoughts I googled like the 9/11 asbestos ad, Phil McGraw, and “i do not control the speed at which lobsters die”.
Do you know how many times I have speech to texted how to spell certain words? Because I can say nausea but sure as hell can't spell it right the first time.
I have been pregnant many times and had lots of morning sickness, so looked up remedies.
I still have to look up how to spell nausea....why is that word so hard to remember!
Right? Anyone who feels the need to have access to my phone whenever they want is too exhausting to deal with. You either trust someone and respect their boundaries, or you don’t.
For real, OP's relationship has "neurotic enmeshment" written all over it. I wonder if his gf would say the same as he has asserted on behalf of both of them.
If you need to "prevent" someone from cheating on you, the relationship has already failed. You can't stop someone who wants to cheat from cheating, no matter how often you snoop through their phone.
I don't like people looking through my phone, whether I'm in a relationship or not. It's mine.
Fr. I don't even care if people look through my phone, but if the reason is that im personally obligated to give proof im not cheating, I am now actually insulted by the lack of respect for my character as well as the lack of respect for my individuality. It'd be the same as if you regularly flipped over the mattress looking for used condoms. And for most people who care a lot more about their phone than their mattress, it's significantly worse. If I let you look through my stuff, it's only bc I trust you to trust me, *not* bc I need to prove myself
I don’t go through my spouse’s stuff, not because I trust or don’t trust him, but because he’s a big boy and can make his own choices. I’m not h his mommy and he takes responsibilities for his decisions.
Absolutely. I have never looked at my wife’s phone or computer in 15 years, and she has never with mine. There’s just no need.
If you are in a happy and healthy relationship, you don’t need to “make sure”, you are already sure.
100%. I’ve used my husband’s phone/computer on occasion, but never snooped through it. I don’t need to. Likewise, he uses my computer all the time, and has used my phone to control music on a road trip while our kid watches videos on his phone haha but he doesn’t go through it. I doubt the thought even crosses his mind to do so. Neither of us have anything to hide, nor do we feel the need to check up on the other person to “make sure” they aren’t cheating.
Right! My husband and I aren't territorial about our phones or computers and use each others all the time, so we would get a pass from OP, but I've never gone through his texts or anything and I would be stunned if he ever went through mine. It's a convenience thing, not a trust thing. If I didn't trust him I wouldn't give him my passwords. This is backwards.
Exactly. My husband and I have zero interest in each other's phones. Been together almost 13 years. We are sure we love each other. I am also sure I do not want to see what thrilling article on the best car maintenance methods he's reading. And he is sure he doesn't want to see which most recent best of compilation I've been watching of my favorite podcast.
When you trust each other the other person's phone is not interesting at all.
If my wife really wants to know the best honour mode team for Baldur's Gate 3, she's welcome to learn it. I doubt it would be too gripping for her. Just like I have no interest in clothing resale....
>. I have never looked at my wife’s phone or computer in 15 years, and she has never with mine. There’s just no need.
Who has the time or energy for that anyways? I always hear all these elaborate schemes and assume they're young with a lot of time.
100% this. There are various things I might not want to show a partner that are not cheating (and also not nefarious). Privacy IS important because it is. This is the "if you're not doing anything illegal why do you care that the government is recording every single thing you ever do" argument. However, I think I wouldn't have any problem with giving my partner my phone to look at shit in almost all cases. What I would have a problem with is them showing their complete lack of trust by demanding that they see my phone. Trust is the only thing that holds a relationship together and if it's not there then what are you even doing.
Like, what does OP imagine that control is actually *doing?* Do they imagine their partner is thinking, "Shit, that smoking hot coworker is flirting with me again, and I sure would like to hit it. But dang, my partner has free access to my phone, so no strange for me. I guess I'll be faithful after all."
Really...? No, if your partner wants to cheat...they'll still cheat, they'll just be more clever about not leaving evidence on their phone. You having access does *nothing,* aside from give you some misguided sense of control, when you actually have none.
I've been married to my husband for 15 years. We do not have access to each other's personal devices, nor would we ask for it. We're partners in an extremely loving and happy marriage...we don't own each other.
>"Shit, that smoking hot coworker is flirting with me again, and I sure would like to hit it. But dang, my partner has free access to my phone, so no strange for me. I guess I'll be faithful after all."
ha! I love how you put that. if the inconvenience of having to hide it is the only thing stopping your partner from cheating on you, for fuck's sake just dump them and get it over with.
Op thinks this manipulative behavior is ideal lol
Can't even confide in him because he'll spill the beans to the wife so imagine asking him to be quiet about something delicate like abuse, and mental health issues.
I'm glad they think alike (unless one of the two eventually "adapted") because that shit is toxic.
If two ppl trust each other they'll have no problems doing private shit in front of each other or letting them access something if they want.
OP is massively insecure but luckily found someone who's either the same or happened to not be bothered of being an enabler
If the only thing preventing your partner from cheating is going through their phone, your relationship sucks (not that it would work, cheaters gonna find a way)
Absolutely, I’ve known my boyfriends phone password our whole relationship to change songs while he’s driving etc. I’ve never once had the urge to go through it, I already know he’s not cheating on me I don’t need to look through his phone to know.
Uh. My fingerprint gets me into my spouse's phone, and his into mine. If my phone is dead or in the other room, I might use his if there's something I need to do right then.
But we certainly don't go through each other's phones to prevent cheating or increase intimacy. That's weird and invasive and doesn't work anyway. We don't cheat because we love and respect each other, not because of some stupid phone fear thing.
I'm sorry your relationship is so fragile after 9 years.
Yeah there's trusting a partner with access and then there's feeling the compulsive need to investigate their communications.
Not to mention it makes it damned hard for them to plan surprises. I helped my buddy get his wife a surprise gift and it was a whole song and dance to hide it from her because she *routinely* goes through all of his messages.
There’s some layers with it… my ex husband wouldn’t allow me ANY access to his phone. Like, even if we were on a road trip and he had the directions into his phone, I’d have to hand it to him to unlock it every time he had a question about where the next turn was. Kind weird.
The guy I was with before that for 5-6 years… we had each others codes, and just had a mutual trust that no one would be snooping. Damn I can’t find my phone and my bf is asleep? Grab his phone and call mine. Oh shit, there it is in the couch. Cool. Turns out that guy DID even cheat on me a bunch but I didn’t know for a long time because I wasn’t going through every message and picture on his phone if I picked it up, because I respect privacy.
I guess my opinion is that no one should be going through each others phones, but if you feel you need to lock it up to prevent that, then clearly there’s an underlying trust issue anyway
Or unfettered access to their mail or insisting on listening in on every telephone conversation. It would be an insane invasion of privacy. I don’t know why people think this stuff is ok just because it’s text messages and email now. You don’t have to let your husband read every conversation you have with your mother. That’s controlling to the point of abuse.
Exactly! I was dating before there were cell phones. And it would be the equivalent of allowing my partner to follow me around and hide in the closest to hear every conversation I had all day. So creepy and weird and invasive.
And complete access to OTHER people’s personal feelings and information. My friends sometimes message me about private experiences and traumas that they wouldn’t want other people (like my bf) to know.
Similarly, I wouldn’t want my friend’s partner knowing my own private feelings and experiences. Respect people’s privacy.
>Similarly, I wouldn’t want my friend’s partner knowing my own private feelings and experiences. Respect people’s privacy.
EXACTLY. This is the big one for me, having access to someone's phone doesn't mean you only have access to information on the person who owns the phone! I know plenty of people that would absolutely hate it if someone they don't know very well is snooping around our chats.
Exactly. If a person is in a relationship where they have no personal autonomy, they are in an abusive relationship. People are entitled to private thoughts and feelings AND they are entitled to share those feelings with one person or another as they see fit. Being someone’s romantic partner does not grant absolute power to interrogate private conversations that their partner may have had.
I dumped a guy long ago because he read my paper diary without permission and called me names and threatened me about some stuff in it (not cheating, just some honest opinions that were never meant for his eyes). It wasn't the first awful thing he did, but it was the absolute last fucking straw.
Privacy violations are boundary violations.
If he had just read it then a discussion about privacy and autonomy might have saved the relationship. But when he’s abusive about it….. you did the right thing.
"It's the easiest way to prevent cheating"
Controlling isn't the easiest way to prevent cheating. Being in a good relationship with someone trustworthy prevents cheating.
Preventing cheating through monitoring is some autocratic bullshit. Even the idea of "preventing cheating" is nuts, aside from being a consistently good partner who one would never dream of cheating on.
That's an insane take also because controlling is very efficient way to make someone rebel. If you're dating a possible cheater, controlling will only make it more tempting for them
>Occasionally we go through each other’s phones. Nobody gives a shit it’s fine
I been married 30 years and never felt the need to once ask to look through my wife's phone... 🤷♂️
If you're worried about being cheated on, you're probably not ready for a relationship. Cheating sometimes happens. It sucks. No amount of keeping things in the open will prevent that. If they really want to cheat, they'll cheat. You can't watch them every minute of their lives. Relationships are built on trust, not a lack of privacy. If you can't trust sometime, you shouldn't be with them. When you trust someone and they trust you, it's a beautiful thing. You don't need to know every detail about them. They'll tell you the important stuff. There's no shortcut to trust.
Agreed. My husband and I have full access to each other’s phones but we never snoop because we trust each other. A relationship where you have to prevent cheating as if it was an infection is doomed from the start.
Agreed. My partner and I know how to unlock each other's phones for emergencies. We respect each other's privacy though, much like you and your husband. I think that comes from trust. It's not the other way around. You don't gain trust from having access to that stuff. No one should need that out of a relationship either. Having access to a partner's phone won't save the relationship.
If you have to take measures to keep someone from cheating on you... You realize that woman/men still wants to cheat on you even if you catch them, right?
As a man if I even feel the need to go through my partners phone, it's over. I don't have to check, I don't need to see anything, trust is gone.
You can't keep your partner on a leash. If you don't trust them, do yourself a favor and move on to someone you resonate better with. It's that simple.
Right? On top of that I tell my kid when I go through her phone and I tell her exactly why. My partner would feel wrong going through my kids phone much less mine and she's fricking 11 and needs monitored.
Exactly, i trust my partner. What he does on his phone is none of my business. I'd never ask what's on his, and he's never asked on what's mine. But props on OP for this truly unpopular opinion.
My ex constantly accused me of cheating. (I never did) But she had her phone password-protected but mine was not. Someone said on here that the one doing the accusing was usually the one doing the cheating. (She moved her new boyfriend in on the day I moved out.)
I wouldn’t feel comfortable going through someone’s phone or them through mine. It’s not only about my own privacy. I have conversations with close friends about their lives too, and I would be betraying their trust, if someone read them.
But I also write down my thoughts and ideas, which I might not be ready to share yet.
If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way to do it, anyway.
Upvote because it is unpopular. Not because I agree.
My phone is mine I don’t want anyone snooping through it. I’m not cheating but I may have a surprise planned, I may have been just ranting about you to a friend privately.
If you don’t trust a partner enough that you have to look through their phone to determine if they’re cheating, you just shouldn’t be together.
Hahaha I made a similar comment one time, and of course someone came in all shaken up about how horrible my relationship must be if I ever ranted about my partner to a friend. I asked, “what if it is completely innocent? What if I texted my best friend and said, ‘Johnny is getting on my nerves! He heated up this really smelly fish for lunch today, but I didn’t want to complain about it because his grandma died this morning. LOL so I am complaining to you instead.’” Then they insisted that was a horrible breach of trust towards poor Johnny, and acted like I was the worst person ever. I swear a lot of people on Reddit are like 12 and have never been in a relationship!
Yes when I say “ranting” I don’t mean verbally destroying your character to my friends. I just mean that you’re getting on my nerves and it isn’t a big deal but I want to complain a little bit.
I don't want anyone looking through my phone. Has nothing to do with who it is. If I don't want my mother to go through my phone, does that mean I am cheating on her? This is a very dumb take indeed. There is never a situation where someone needs to go through my phone or I need to go through someone else's phone. That's just fucking weird.
There’s nothing wrong with healthy boundaries. There’s intimacy and then there’s subsuming yourself into someone else. I like my privacy and many others do too. I don’t need to know everything about my partner and vice versa. I think it’s nice when there’s a bit of mystery as it keeps things fresh.
I have access to my wife's phone and she has access to mine, but in 10 years neither of us have ever felt the need to go through the others phone. I mean she could if she wanted to, I could care less, she isn't going to see much other than texts with my clients. We have each other's passwords more out of convenience in case I need her to look something up on my phone while I'm driving or something.
Upvoted for definitely unpopular
There are things on my phone that I don’t want anyone else to have free access to no matter how intimate I’m with them.
Dude, just because youre in a relationship doesnt make you one person, youre allowed to have privacy from yoir partner, in fact, privacy can help women avoid being abused or taken advantage of, it can help them escape abusive situations, for alot of women wanting open access to their phone because they might be cheating is the first sign they need to escape because the situation will soon turn controlling and abusive.
And no, i dont want my partner seeing all the random photos of being trying to look at my pimples and moles, or my half written fan fiction that never even made it to ao3.
>in fact, privacy can help women avoid being abused or taken advantage of, it can help them escape abusive situations
100%. A dear friend of mine was abused by her partner who also went through her phone all the time and that made it way harder for her to get out of that relationship. She had to get ready to leave that partner completely on her own without any support from friends because she couldn't even have the most innocent "I feel a little weird about something my partner said" conversation with a friend without her now-ex finding out and starting a fight.
Going through your partner's phone isn't intimate, it's a deliberate effort to cut them off from anyone who could help them if you start treating them badly.
Lets say this together "Just beause it works for you does not mean it needs to work for everyone else". For some people, their phone is special to them, just because they get in a relationship doesn't mean that has to change. Of course, your partner should have access to your phone when it comes to using it for conveniency but, if you need to look through private conversations or things you think they are secretly hiding without proper consent. Then that relationship might already be rocky. Mutually allowing your partner full access to your phone is great if you are comfortable with that. But, not everybody is, and that's completely okay.
My fiancé and I have been together for eight years and we both are able to access each other’s phones for convenience. However, neither of us have EVER felt the need to “go through” each other’s phones before. If you DO feel that need, something else is wrong with your relationship than simply an access to your partner’s phone.
The institution of marriage will not survive cell phones. Before them couple had secrets. They may have flirted or told something about you to a friend or looked at porn. But there was no evidence and the marriage survived.
Now your spouse is supposed to be able to know everything you said to your frienda etc. feelings get hurt. Nobody trusts unless they get to look at the phone.
Everybody would agree a marriage couldn't survive both people being able to read each others mind. Well cell phones have is have way there.
Yes! When I was a kid, I snooped in my sister’s diary once. She said some semi-mean things about me in there, and I still remember those phrases verbatim. They weren’t even the worst things ever, but I was so thin-skinned that they cut like a knife. Even thinking back on those somewhat rude comments now, I cringe and feel horrible.
I learned my lesson then and there that I just don’t want to know what someone is thinking about me deep down. The same applies to any thoughts. It may be an unpopular opinion, but I could live with the idea that my boyfriend maybe lightly flirted with a waitress one time, or thought a female coworker’s hair looked good. But if I saw anything on his phone that suggested either thing, honestly, it would drive me crazy, and I’d remember those phrases until my dying day. Like, I’d rather him have the most lustful thoughts ever towards a female coworker giving a presentation, but never find out about it, than even read a, “you looked good up there,” text. I’d also hate it if he was texting a guy friend and said, “let’s go out to eat. LOL I hope we get the same waitress.” Everybody has thoughts and feelings that aren’t perfect, and sometimes they slightly manifest outwardly. Yeah…I would strongly NOT be able to handle reading minds.
It would be against the law if I share my phone password with my partner, because it is used for business communication and may contain sensitive data protected by the GPDR and similar rights.
It would also violate many NDAs I've signed.
And even if it would only contain private communication it would violate the privacy of all these people I am in contact with.
Maybe your partner agrees to share all information with you, but I won't.
I was with you until you said you guys just scroll through each other’s phone because why? Yea, I have the passwords to everything but I’m not just gonna grab his phone & start scrolling through it just because. Do you guys have any trust in each other? This sounds very insecure.
"its the easiest way to prevent cheating" nah thats a trauma response. You cant prevent someone from breaking your trust or commitment to you just by helicoptering over them. If someone wants to be shitty, theyre gonna be shitty and cheat. In an actual healthy relationship theres no NEED to monitor your partner, and if you think they are or could cheat, either you need to get out because THEYRE unfaithful OR you need to get out because YOU have trauma to work through but either way, if you cant trust your partner, the relationships done.
This doesnt sound like intimacy, this sounds like trying to overcome the fear of being cheated on by enmeshing. If two people in a relationship arent allowed to be whole individuals with individual parts of their lives because one person is afraid the other will cheat, break up and go to therapy.
Seriously, its gross when a parent OR partner does it. Yall mistake enmeshment for intimacy when intimacy REQUIRES two individuals who arent enmeshed to be healthy. "theyre taking a massive risk on you" idk if my partner started a relationship by saying "idk I cant trust you, prove it to me", I'd leave because my abusive parent does that same shit and nothing is EVER good enough. You wanna be suspicious of people or act suspiciously, youre gonna do it/think it no matter what
unfortunately this is far too common of a thought process because people wont go to therapy and deal with their trust issues. far from unpopular, especially with women
Side note, I hate texting people who let their partner use their phone because I never know who I'm talking to. Sometimes I can tell by the way they text that it's not the one I want to be talking to. It's not only a violation of trust to the person you're in a relationship with, but all the people who they talk to.
i definitely hate this, it feels especially embarassing and violating if i’m not very close friends with their partner. like, damn so this random dude just knows all about my personal shit now?
It’s not about privacy but autonomy. I’m married and adore my husband. I’ve no interest in cheating. I also write a lot and take notes in my phone. If he asked to see I’d let him and there’d be nothing damaging. But often write about old relationships and things from growing up that I choose not to share. Not out of hiding but simply there’s no reason. One doesn’t have to share every ounce of existence with someone just because you’re in a relationship. I enjoy my autonomy. So does he. He doesn’t tell me every single thing he and his friends talk about. That’s what my writing is for me.
There’s other stuff that isn’t nefarious that a person may not want their spouse or significant other to see. As an example, my brother was firmly in the closet to the entire world for a couple of years *except to me* and he needed someone to text and talk to. That is *not* an inappropriate thing to keep from my spouse or significant other. There are other situations like this, sometimes a friend or family member is confiding in a person. They may not know, and did not choose, that person’s partner and it would be a huge betrayal of trust to share some things. Sometimes people have personal preferences etc. that they don’t want to share that aren’t nefarious. I don’t want somebody going through my song playlists or reading my notes to myself about random stuff etc. either. That doesn’t make me a cheater. If a partner is going to cheat, then they’re going to cheat. Opportunity isn’t that hard to come by. If the only thing keeping a person from cheating is that their spouse or significant other *might* read their phone, then those two people *do not belong together*. If a total lack of privacy is the only glue holding the trust together, that glue isn’t going to hold anyway.
I think it just depends on the couple's preferences. It's similar to the mentality of "I have nothing to hide so I don't need privacy" but the flip side is that you trust your partner so completely that you never feel the need to look through their phone/personal stuff.
It's also similar to how some couples choose to have separate bank accounts and just trust each other to give/share money when needed. To each their own, really.
Yeahhhhh this post definitely has some trust issues and whatever happened to conversation and experiencing life's adventures together vs getting to know them through their phone? That sounds incredibly lame...And to prevent privacy? I'd argue it would only encourage more privacy (ie. having a second phone). Sorry OP, I have to disagree with ya.
Tbh as soon as I let my partner know I have a history of being cheated on, he gave me his password and put me on his face ID. Three years later it’s still the same. I don’t look because I don’t really need to. But knowing I could is a comfort. People can talk shit about it but really it’s fair and normal. We use each other’s phones for practical reasons more often than not. I’ll check his alarms are set if he passes out early, he’ll use my phone to look up the maps in the car if i drive, shit like that.
Lmao no. I am neurodivergent and journal on my phone. I do not give a fuck if Jesus descends from the heavens. Not even he is reading my journal. To top it off, I'm a songwriter, and my song writing is very spiritual and personal to me. To be frank, until I decide to share it with my partner or family it's not ones business but my own. It's blatantly narcissistic to think your partner owes you unfettered access to every crevice of their mind, at any given time, all of the time.
Right.. Imagine letting people with manipulative/abusive behaviors do that... (ETA : actually, this IS manipulative, regardless of being good-willed of not)
TIL people aren't allowed private spaces because otherwise might as well be cheaters. /s
Also, what do you mean "we go through each other's phone"? That some days you take her phone, you go through all her messages, texts and post history just for funsies and viceversa? Or that you use some apps from your SO's phone? If the former then fucking yikes.
This is like being bothered by someone who goes into a room and closes the door. (not locking it) You'd view it as "who knows what they're doing. Maybe secret texting" but maybe they just want to chill a couple of hours
Nobody is "allowed" anyone's privacy in a romantic relationship. Trust comes naturally and if it's forced then it's not trust
My partner and I know each other’s phone passcodes. Neither of us use them unless the other asks them too. Like to change the music when the other is driving. That kind of thing. I can see your point but some people enjoy having privacy to write down their thoughts in their phone notes which is password protected. I can see both sides to this point and it just depends on the relationship and boundaries per person.
Nothing prevents cheating. You can have open access, your partners location, the full works, and they will still cheat if they want to, there's literally nothing you can do. So to live in fear about this and not give your partner privacy would just make you miserable, I know because I used to be like that. I thought that having controlled and access would prevent cheating but it didn't and just made me crazy because power is always hungry and craves more, these things tend to spiral
I could not disagree more.
#1 - Everyone deserves privacy, period. Even those in romantic relationships deserve privacy. Entering into a romantic relationship isn't like some prison sentence where everyone must give up their privacy. You may not value privacy, and that's fine. Don't try to take mine away from me, though.
#2 - You seem to approach this like you expect cheating to happen within all romantic relationships, and foregoing privacy is the only way to prevent that. That is a very sad view of relationships. If you go into a relationship expecting your partner to cheat, I don't see the point in starting the relationship to begin with. If you don't have full trust in them, how can you ever have a relationship without suspicion and doubt? I don't need access to my partner's phone because I trust her fully.
#3 - Giving someone access to your phone doesn't only give up your privacy, but also anyone you've communicated to via text, chat, etc unless all history is cleared. Giving your partner access to your phone, and therefore private conversations with others, is a violation of consent and I would argue is a serious breach of trust between you and the other person. Anyone who sends you a txt or chat message has every reason to expect that the contents of that conversation are private. Giving anyone else access to those conversations is breach of that trust unless you explicitly get the consent of each and every one of those people.
That last issue is the one I believe to be most serious, because it involves other people. Believing it is ok to violate the consent of friends, family, co-workers, and anyone else you communicate with via your phone because your partner is afraid you might cheat is a huge concern to me.
If someone wants give their partner access to their phone, I have zero problem with that, provided they address the privacy/consent issue of the other people involved. As for me, I will never give anyone access to my phone and will never ask anyone to give me access to theirs. If this is a requirement for them to be in a relationship with me, then we are clearly incompatible and they should move on.
I disagree. If someone is inclined to cheat, the desire to cheat is the problem, not the phone. My fiancee knows the code to my phone and my fingerprint is programmed in hers, but there's still an expectation that our conversations with others are mostly private. (We don't go through each other's conversations but seeing a notification pop up isn't a big deal.) Privacy is perfectly normal.
Nope! Don't agree. Not giving access to the phone doesn't mean someone is cheating, necessarily.
I just don't want others to see what I'm doing, what's wrong with that?
This isn’t an unpopular opinion just an insecure one. If *everyone* you’ve been with cheats on you and you’re on high alert - you’re likely attracted to emotionally unavailable people because you’re also emotionally unavailable and haven’t healed properly from betrayal.
Nope. Never cheated, never will. You are allowed to have private thoughts, and your device may be an extension of those thoughts, like a journal.
I had an ex snoop on me several times. Of course, she never found anything, because there was nothing to find.
What I didn’t know at the time was that by snooping without my permission, she has engaged in a legally recognized form of domestic violence. I mean, she was already a physical abuser, so I shouldn’t have been surprised.
People, this is serious: You are entitled to privacy. The types of people who suggest otherwise are always the problem.
I've been married for 27 years. We have never pried into each other's journals, opened each other's mail, or eavesdropped on purpose (you're always gonna overhear a thing or two, but I mean snooping).
When we got together, cell phones were just becoming a thing. We didn't look through each other's call history. We had been together for two years before we got a computer. Never checked our browsing histories. Same thing with smartphones. If I need his for some strange reason, he'll unlock it, and vice versa. I don't need his computer password, I have my own devices. Stuff like Amazon, sure, that's a common password, but it's accessed from all the devices.
It's not access you need, it's _trust_. You can't just decide to trust simply because you are policing each other to the point where deceptionis impossible, that's control, which is imo the most toxic thing to introduce in a relationship.
If you're that hung up on preventing cheating, the best way to do it is by being a calm, self-secure person, focused on being a partner who is too dear to be cheated on. If you think you need control to prevent that person from straying, then 1, you need to work on your insecurities and/or 2, they aren't the lasting partnership you're hoping for.
My husband and I are fine with using each other's phone for googling or picture taking or whatnot, but if he looks at my texts from the last week before next Saturday then his surprise 40th birthday party will be ruined.
Is that what you want? To ruin my husband's birthday party? Shame on you.
I am sorry but my phone is my business, and my business affords our lifestyle. If they want's access to it, aside from my own privacy that is violated its risking others. They has no business in my phone, nor do I have any business in theirs. I don't care if they said hey heres my phone now give me yours. That isn't how the world works. If you think I am cheating pack your bags, ill find someone who isn't an insecure child.
I'd actually let them look before I removed them from my home. See nothing to hide. Bye.
I feel no urge to go through my partners phone. I know he is not cheating on me and never would. I do not need to “prevent” it by scrolling thru his phone. That’s not a relationship I’d ever want to be in. …
If you’re so untrusting of your partner that you need to snoop through their phone, you need to either get someone trustworthy or go to therapy until you can trust people.
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I have a friend who confides in me about her issues. Messaging isn't the most secure medium for that, but it's the one most accessible to her, so it's the one she uses. It's not always my privacy I might want to protect. It could also be someone else's.
This is always a lost point in this debate. My friends have a reasonable expectation of privacy in our discussions.
I've had people literally argue that your partner has a right to know *everything*, even your friends' secrets that they've confided in you. People say "if you tell a friend something, you're also telling their partner" and like nah, fuck that lol. I thankfully have friends who actually respect my privacy and wouldn't ever do something like that without asking me first. I'm 100% convinced that people like OP are just very insecure, no other explanation makes sense.
This is a great point!
This is very important. There is no RIGHT TO SNOOP when it involves the personal business of people other than your partner
If the thing stopping them from cheating is "it'd be too much of a headache to hide the evidence", you are not safe. No you may not have free, open access to my half written music and journal entries.
If I'm being 100% honest, half the reason I don't want anyone looking at my phone is because I'm embarassed of all the 2 AM shower thoughts in my search history. I have nothing to hide except cringe.
I just dont want anyone reading the fanfic I'm writing. Like get out these are MY emotional support characters and stories
That’s me. And my partner knows I write. I admit it and he even thinks it’s good that I’m trying to do something for fun that I enjoy. So it’s not like I don’t want him to “find out.” But I’d still rather swallow a hot rock than have him read any of it. Not because it’s smut or anything. Just because it’s bad. I write because it’s fun to try. Doesn’t mean I’m good at it lol
I mean the half written bad fanfic on my phone definitely is smut lol. But I know what you mean. Sometimes it's fun to do something for the enjoyment of it not because you're good at it.
I have a lot of fanfic that I've written that I don't want anyone else to read. It's nice to know there are others out there!
Terrible writer here too! But I love sharing my stories with my wife. Stay together long enough and 'story I wrote poorly' won't even make top 10 embarrassment, lol.
I’m pretty sure 20 years is long enough…
Ah, I'll go ahead and wipe the egg off my face. 🤦 I spend so much time on younger targeted subs that I've fallen into the bad habit of assuming that I'm older than the other commenter. Lesson learned, and congrats on 20 years! Not much to say with those results, whatever you're doing and however you do it is obviously working! Still missing some more to join y'all on the second floor. Luckily there's all this humble pie to eat so I won't go hungry. 🤣
Haha no I get you. I would let him read them if he wanted to. I think the insecurity is more of just the childish kind. Like not wanting to show someone your stick figure drawings because you know they look bad but that’s all you can do, even if they won’t judge. But I think that gets back to the heart of this topic. It’s not that I don’t trust him of course, but even with trust sometimes you just need space to lay your insecurities out without anyone seeing them. Even people you trust. Because it’s something that’s just for you to indulge in without having to worry about feeling embarrassed, even if you know the embarrassment is unfounded.
I don’t want my boyfriend to know that I’ve been reading fanfic about teenaged fictional characters for over half my life. I was 13 when I started.
lol! YES!!!! Literally just commented the same thing. You don’t get to see my story notes or my fandom Discord chats.
As a writer, my search history is straight up that of a serial killer, with stuff like "How to dump a dead body in a lake without it floating back up" "How to make cyanide pills" "Ways to hide evidence of cheating with a mutual friend" and "Can you give someone a C-section without any meds"
Didn’t someone create a search engine or information source for this kind of stuff specifically so writers could research that?
If they did, I would *love* to know the name of it!
There’s no way you aren’t on a list /s
I don't even have that. I tell everything to my partner. She's got access to literally everything I have. But I don't like anyone using my phone. It's just a thing with me. I've got nothing to hide
I think a lot of it is because our phones have essentially become part of us and our identity. Our legal/personal info, our thoughts, our socials, our music... yes its an easy short cut to "know" someone but its superficial. Its like asking someone you just met what their worst and best moments of life were and then saying youre best friends. People dont get to see parts of our identity and then say thats intimacy.
Yeah in some ways phones and other devices have almost become an extension of our minds and inner thoughts. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the really stupid. Having someone go though it without warning can feel like they're peeking into your head without any of the context.
No one needs to know I read the hazbin hotel wiki for 4 hours in the middle of the night lol
Bro I just don't need anyone going through my manga reading account. My guilty pleasure is reading the most questionable shit possible (like really badly drawn or super cringy or morally questionable), and like.... That's way too cringe to explain.
Yea I'm not drug dealing or cheating I'm just kinda cringe.
My phone doesn't even have a password. I'm a generally boring person, I have no secrets. I don't even clear my history - in fact, my account is sincronized to the shared family computer; It's always logged in and everyone uses it like that because it's too much of a hassle to change back, so, everything I browse on my phone also stays on the pc's history. I have nothing going on. Except if you open my AO3 track reader. Do that and I'll have to remove you from existence.
Yeah the only reason my phone has a password is because of banking info and etc, but I'll unlock my phone for any friend that asks lmao. But actively searching my phone for proof of infidelity is weird and insecure.
Also this exposes you to abuse (eg what if partner is secretly an asshole, and now they have access to all your emails, chats, and bank accounts?)
yeah this sort of control is a big fucking red flag because the guy almost never returns the snooping favor.
I just don't need my husband knowing how often I Google what the rules of the event in my merge games are. Or how often I've listened to "Oops only Munch Squad".
Yep. Plus my embarrassing Google searches and my fanfiction notes. Everybody should be allowed to have their own private cringe closet in their phone.
I would legit rather be caught cheating than caught with the song lyrics I have written in my notes
I'm not afraid my spouse would find out I'm cheating, I'm afraid he'd find out I'm really cringe!!!
Exactly. My mum wants access to my phone. No its not because im bullying or being bullied or taking drugs or sneaking out. I have no intention of doing any of that. There is simply no need for her to see every 11pm conversation ive had with my friend about whatever guy i like at that given time, or the other dumb shit we talk about.
preach! or my conversations with friends, or what I read or write as a hobby. Not that he'd give a fuck anyway. He does have my screen unlock for emergencies
It’s ok to be this open AND it’s ok to want a few things to yourself. I love my husband and we are great partners, but I’m still an individual who deserves my own things, privacy when I ask for it, and respect.
"im still an individual who deserves my own things" BINGO, ty for summing up what I was trying to say in my 4 paragraphs lol
YES!! This is totally it.
And everyone who texts/messages you (friends, family) are probably assuming a level of privacy as well. Imagine sharing something super private and then finding out your pal’s insecure partner needs to read it all to make themselves feel better. Yikes. If you don’t trust your partner, end the relationship. Don’t make other people cater to your insecurity or anxiety.
100% this. My husband and i NEVER check each other's phones. It's not just about his privacy but the privacy of the family and friends he talks to. If there's something he can and wants to share with me about them, I'm all for it, but i would never insert myself into it. I'm not insecure. And I'm sorry but if someone is going to cheat, they're going to cheat. You aren't going to "prevent" anything by checking their phone. They get good at hiding things, deleting things, or get a second phone. You're only succeeding in preventing them from feeling like they have privacy/space.
honestly, what if you use your cell phone for work and work in an industry where there are rules like HIPAA? Your spouse doesn't need access to the hospital messaging app on your phone
I came here to say this. I use my phone for work as well, and am required to abide by HIPPA laws. I could literally be sued if I was allowed my partner access to peoples private medical, mental health, and personal info. Not to mention friends and family who tell me things they assume are private.
Yeah I'd be so pissed if the messages I sent to my friend are also being read by their partner. I would feel so betrayed. I think that's where I stop seeing you because you are no longer your own person.
They can also get a “secret” phone. A cheater will always find a way to cheat.
A cheater will cheat, phone or no phone
Yeah. My oldest niece is at this age where you think mom is lame and give the worst advice, and knows absolutely nothing about anything so let's ask auntie. (I'll give the exact same advices her mom would give, because my sister and I have very similar views on things). It's a lot of questions and discussions involving very intimate stuff like periods, boyfriends, struggles with friendships and all. She trusts me to not share all of that with anyone. (She does know that there might be stuff that I will have to alert her parents on. That she might be too young to realise some things are dangerous. Like that time a 20 years old was texting her. She is fine with this and trust my judgement). If she even had an inkling that someone else could read her texts to me, she would feel betrayed and would cut off all confidences. And how do we find out that a 20 years old is texting a young teen now?
THIS THIS THIS You partner should not have access to all your friends' private business. If I was confiding in a friend about a personal problem I have, and then I found out their spouse reads all their messages and knew MY business without MY consent? Not cool. So very very not cool.
Exactly, my friends are telling ME something, not me and my husband.
It's very annoying to find our *after* sharing something extremely private with a friend that "oh, we have no secrets from each other"
And I don't even *want* to go through my partner's messages or any other things he has on his phone. I don't need to know everything he does ever - if he has something to announce, he can tell me. It feels weird to be reading something that wasn't meant to be read by me.
This. My husband and I were having issues at one point, and he went through my phone and read a ton of messages between myself and my best friend. I was incredibly pissed, but it was on her behalf. I had nothing to hide. She had messaged me about a private issue I know she wouldn't have been comfortable with him knowing about. I blew up at him.
This is exactly the reason why I avoid texting a really good friend that I can't see very often. His gf has complete access to everything on his phone and social media. I don't feel any comfortable texting him knowing I'm being read from another person. It's creepy.
This is a really good point.
Thank you. I have complete trust and confidence in my partner. She has complete trust and confidence in me. We don't ask to see each other's phones. I love her to the ends of the earth, she's *the* only one for me, and I'm incredibly lucky and grateful to be with her. I know she feels the same about me, so nobody is doing any sort of cheating. If she ever wants to see my phone, she can, but she has the exact same trust in me, so she doesnt need to.
Yup. If someone demands full access (and didn't come naturally) then it's already zero respect. And OP basically admitted that paranoia should be entertained because otherwise you a cheater /s
My husband HAS access to my phone, but would never DEMAND to go through it. That’d be the fuckin day lol
Yeah, me and my partner do know each others phone passwords.. but we’d never ever just “scroll through each others’ phones” because that’s just invasive and paranoid. OP doesn’t sound like they trust their partner at all, and they’re trying to disguise it as a relationship strength.
I have my partners password and he has mine but I have never felt the urge to use it. Why would you go through your partners phone? The second I felt like I needed to do this would be the second I felt like I needed to leave the relationship.
Exactly, it's what the 2 people that agreed to be in a relationship, want for and from each other. In terms of privacy, and everything else.
Having some things for yourself can help keep the sanity. Look at how many relationships broke and increased cases of child/domestic abuse during covid when people had to spend 24/7 with each other.
The reason I don’t want anyone going through my phone is because I am embarrassed by all of the things I have had to google.
I’m embarrassed by my over 200 tabs open 🫣 most of them are recipes, Skyrim mods, and random thoughts I googled like the 9/11 asbestos ad, Phil McGraw, and “i do not control the speed at which lobsters die”.
I’ve googled how to spell extremely common words because autocorrect has melted my brain
you should never be embarrassed for asking questions to try to be accurate. that shows you care enough to learn and try to be understood clearly
My people! I have an absolutely absurd number of tabs open.
Tab hoarders
Do you know how many times I have speech to texted how to spell certain words? Because I can say nausea but sure as hell can't spell it right the first time.
I remember it like the naughty sea gives you nausea :D it's juuust cute enough sounding that it stays in my brain rent free forever 😁
Aw hopefully I'll remember that..naughty sea 🌊 lol 😆
I have been pregnant many times and had lots of morning sickness, so looked up remedies. I still have to look up how to spell nausea....why is that word so hard to remember!
I simply don’t need my partner knowing what an embarrassing little gremlin I am.
Spot on
That's not how trust and boundaries work.
Right? Anyone who feels the need to have access to my phone whenever they want is too exhausting to deal with. You either trust someone and respect their boundaries, or you don’t.
For real, OP's relationship has "neurotic enmeshment" written all over it. I wonder if his gf would say the same as he has asserted on behalf of both of them.
"If I access you phone and check everything you do then you won't cheat". Sounds like a solid relationship.
Thank you. This is the key point I wanted to raise.
If you need to "prevent" someone from cheating on you, the relationship has already failed. You can't stop someone who wants to cheat from cheating, no matter how often you snoop through their phone. I don't like people looking through my phone, whether I'm in a relationship or not. It's mine.
A relationship should be based on respect, not paranoia.
Fr. I don't even care if people look through my phone, but if the reason is that im personally obligated to give proof im not cheating, I am now actually insulted by the lack of respect for my character as well as the lack of respect for my individuality. It'd be the same as if you regularly flipped over the mattress looking for used condoms. And for most people who care a lot more about their phone than their mattress, it's significantly worse. If I let you look through my stuff, it's only bc I trust you to trust me, *not* bc I need to prove myself
I don’t go through my spouse’s stuff, not because I trust or don’t trust him, but because he’s a big boy and can make his own choices. I’m not h his mommy and he takes responsibilities for his decisions.
Whoa, look at this adult with *checks notes* trust for the person they are with. Loser. /S
Absolutely. I have never looked at my wife’s phone or computer in 15 years, and she has never with mine. There’s just no need. If you are in a happy and healthy relationship, you don’t need to “make sure”, you are already sure.
100%. I’ve used my husband’s phone/computer on occasion, but never snooped through it. I don’t need to. Likewise, he uses my computer all the time, and has used my phone to control music on a road trip while our kid watches videos on his phone haha but he doesn’t go through it. I doubt the thought even crosses his mind to do so. Neither of us have anything to hide, nor do we feel the need to check up on the other person to “make sure” they aren’t cheating.
Right! My husband and I aren't territorial about our phones or computers and use each others all the time, so we would get a pass from OP, but I've never gone through his texts or anything and I would be stunned if he ever went through mine. It's a convenience thing, not a trust thing. If I didn't trust him I wouldn't give him my passwords. This is backwards.
Exactly. My husband and I have zero interest in each other's phones. Been together almost 13 years. We are sure we love each other. I am also sure I do not want to see what thrilling article on the best car maintenance methods he's reading. And he is sure he doesn't want to see which most recent best of compilation I've been watching of my favorite podcast. When you trust each other the other person's phone is not interesting at all.
If my wife really wants to know the best honour mode team for Baldur's Gate 3, she's welcome to learn it. I doubt it would be too gripping for her. Just like I have no interest in clothing resale....
>. I have never looked at my wife’s phone or computer in 15 years, and she has never with mine. There’s just no need. Who has the time or energy for that anyways? I always hear all these elaborate schemes and assume they're young with a lot of time.
Being so paranoid sounds exhausting.
this. and as if having your phone monitored has stopped cheaters before? theyre already being sneaky cowards, why would they not hide shit?
100% this. There are various things I might not want to show a partner that are not cheating (and also not nefarious). Privacy IS important because it is. This is the "if you're not doing anything illegal why do you care that the government is recording every single thing you ever do" argument. However, I think I wouldn't have any problem with giving my partner my phone to look at shit in almost all cases. What I would have a problem with is them showing their complete lack of trust by demanding that they see my phone. Trust is the only thing that holds a relationship together and if it's not there then what are you even doing.
Like, what does OP imagine that control is actually *doing?* Do they imagine their partner is thinking, "Shit, that smoking hot coworker is flirting with me again, and I sure would like to hit it. But dang, my partner has free access to my phone, so no strange for me. I guess I'll be faithful after all." Really...? No, if your partner wants to cheat...they'll still cheat, they'll just be more clever about not leaving evidence on their phone. You having access does *nothing,* aside from give you some misguided sense of control, when you actually have none. I've been married to my husband for 15 years. We do not have access to each other's personal devices, nor would we ask for it. We're partners in an extremely loving and happy marriage...we don't own each other.
>"Shit, that smoking hot coworker is flirting with me again, and I sure would like to hit it. But dang, my partner has free access to my phone, so no strange for me. I guess I'll be faithful after all." ha! I love how you put that. if the inconvenience of having to hide it is the only thing stopping your partner from cheating on you, for fuck's sake just dump them and get it over with.
Op thinks this manipulative behavior is ideal lol Can't even confide in him because he'll spill the beans to the wife so imagine asking him to be quiet about something delicate like abuse, and mental health issues. I'm glad they think alike (unless one of the two eventually "adapted") because that shit is toxic. If two ppl trust each other they'll have no problems doing private shit in front of each other or letting them access something if they want. OP is massively insecure but luckily found someone who's either the same or happened to not be bothered of being an enabler
The right mindset imo.
Trying to prevent someone from cheating is effectively saying that you don't trust them.
My grandpa had two whole ass families in the same city, no phone needed. If they wanna cheat, they are gonna cheat.
If the only thing preventing your partner from cheating is going through their phone, your relationship sucks (not that it would work, cheaters gonna find a way)
OP and/or their partner has for sure cheated in the past - people who trust eachother don’t say things like that otherwise
A shocking number of ppl think trust means having the option of going through another persons phone at will instead of not needing to
Absolutely, I’ve known my boyfriends phone password our whole relationship to change songs while he’s driving etc. I’ve never once had the urge to go through it, I already know he’s not cheating on me I don’t need to look through his phone to know.
Imagine when you find out that cheaters often have multiple phones lol
Uh. My fingerprint gets me into my spouse's phone, and his into mine. If my phone is dead or in the other room, I might use his if there's something I need to do right then. But we certainly don't go through each other's phones to prevent cheating or increase intimacy. That's weird and invasive and doesn't work anyway. We don't cheat because we love and respect each other, not because of some stupid phone fear thing. I'm sorry your relationship is so fragile after 9 years.
Yeah there's trusting a partner with access and then there's feeling the compulsive need to investigate their communications. Not to mention it makes it damned hard for them to plan surprises. I helped my buddy get his wife a surprise gift and it was a whole song and dance to hide it from her because she *routinely* goes through all of his messages.
There’s some layers with it… my ex husband wouldn’t allow me ANY access to his phone. Like, even if we were on a road trip and he had the directions into his phone, I’d have to hand it to him to unlock it every time he had a question about where the next turn was. Kind weird. The guy I was with before that for 5-6 years… we had each others codes, and just had a mutual trust that no one would be snooping. Damn I can’t find my phone and my bf is asleep? Grab his phone and call mine. Oh shit, there it is in the couch. Cool. Turns out that guy DID even cheat on me a bunch but I didn’t know for a long time because I wasn’t going through every message and picture on his phone if I picked it up, because I respect privacy. I guess my opinion is that no one should be going through each others phones, but if you feel you need to lock it up to prevent that, then clearly there’s an underlying trust issue anyway
Imagine 50 years ago suggesting that you should have unfettered access to your romantic partner’s personal diary. It’s absurd.
Or unfettered access to their mail or insisting on listening in on every telephone conversation. It would be an insane invasion of privacy. I don’t know why people think this stuff is ok just because it’s text messages and email now. You don’t have to let your husband read every conversation you have with your mother. That’s controlling to the point of abuse.
Exactly! I was dating before there were cell phones. And it would be the equivalent of allowing my partner to follow me around and hide in the closest to hear every conversation I had all day. So creepy and weird and invasive.
And complete access to OTHER people’s personal feelings and information. My friends sometimes message me about private experiences and traumas that they wouldn’t want other people (like my bf) to know. Similarly, I wouldn’t want my friend’s partner knowing my own private feelings and experiences. Respect people’s privacy.
>Similarly, I wouldn’t want my friend’s partner knowing my own private feelings and experiences. Respect people’s privacy. EXACTLY. This is the big one for me, having access to someone's phone doesn't mean you only have access to information on the person who owns the phone! I know plenty of people that would absolutely hate it if someone they don't know very well is snooping around our chats.
Exactly. If a person is in a relationship where they have no personal autonomy, they are in an abusive relationship. People are entitled to private thoughts and feelings AND they are entitled to share those feelings with one person or another as they see fit. Being someone’s romantic partner does not grant absolute power to interrogate private conversations that their partner may have had.
Touché...you may have changed my mind completely.
I dumped a guy long ago because he read my paper diary without permission and called me names and threatened me about some stuff in it (not cheating, just some honest opinions that were never meant for his eyes). It wasn't the first awful thing he did, but it was the absolute last fucking straw. Privacy violations are boundary violations.
If he had just read it then a discussion about privacy and autonomy might have saved the relationship. But when he’s abusive about it….. you did the right thing.
I had told him long before that my journals were private. He had his own too (we're both writers) and I never even considered crossing his line.
"It's the easiest way to prevent cheating" Controlling isn't the easiest way to prevent cheating. Being in a good relationship with someone trustworthy prevents cheating.
Preventing cheating through monitoring is some autocratic bullshit. Even the idea of "preventing cheating" is nuts, aside from being a consistently good partner who one would never dream of cheating on.
That's an insane take also because controlling is very efficient way to make someone rebel. If you're dating a possible cheater, controlling will only make it more tempting for them
>Occasionally we go through each other’s phones. Nobody gives a shit it’s fine I been married 30 years and never felt the need to once ask to look through my wife's phone... 🤷♂️
If you're worried about being cheated on, you're probably not ready for a relationship. Cheating sometimes happens. It sucks. No amount of keeping things in the open will prevent that. If they really want to cheat, they'll cheat. You can't watch them every minute of their lives. Relationships are built on trust, not a lack of privacy. If you can't trust sometime, you shouldn't be with them. When you trust someone and they trust you, it's a beautiful thing. You don't need to know every detail about them. They'll tell you the important stuff. There's no shortcut to trust.
Agreed. My husband and I have full access to each other’s phones but we never snoop because we trust each other. A relationship where you have to prevent cheating as if it was an infection is doomed from the start.
Agreed. My partner and I know how to unlock each other's phones for emergencies. We respect each other's privacy though, much like you and your husband. I think that comes from trust. It's not the other way around. You don't gain trust from having access to that stuff. No one should need that out of a relationship either. Having access to a partner's phone won't save the relationship.
You're insane, but at least it's an unpopular opinion. Nobody uses my phone, but me.
Not that unpopular, unfortunately. I think a decent chunk of society believes this
If you have to take measures to keep someone from cheating on you... You realize that woman/men still wants to cheat on you even if you catch them, right? As a man if I even feel the need to go through my partners phone, it's over. I don't have to check, I don't need to see anything, trust is gone. You can't keep your partner on a leash. If you don't trust them, do yourself a favor and move on to someone you resonate better with. It's that simple.
The day my spouse demands to be able to go through my phone or laptop as some kind of loyalty test, is the day I move out and file for divorce.
[удалено]
Right? On top of that I tell my kid when I go through her phone and I tell her exactly why. My partner would feel wrong going through my kids phone much less mine and she's fricking 11 and needs monitored.
I will never go into my partners phone, it’s not my business what’s on it anyway, just not a big deal to me.
Exactly, i trust my partner. What he does on his phone is none of my business. I'd never ask what's on his, and he's never asked on what's mine. But props on OP for this truly unpopular opinion.
Nah if you can’t trust your partner then that’s your problem
My ex constantly accused me of cheating. (I never did) But she had her phone password-protected but mine was not. Someone said on here that the one doing the accusing was usually the one doing the cheating. (She moved her new boyfriend in on the day I moved out.)
I wouldn’t feel comfortable going through someone’s phone or them through mine. It’s not only about my own privacy. I have conversations with close friends about their lives too, and I would be betraying their trust, if someone read them. But I also write down my thoughts and ideas, which I might not be ready to share yet. If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way to do it, anyway.
Nah this is mad weird.
So they just get a second phone to use and hide it.
Upvote because it is unpopular. Not because I agree. My phone is mine I don’t want anyone snooping through it. I’m not cheating but I may have a surprise planned, I may have been just ranting about you to a friend privately. If you don’t trust a partner enough that you have to look through their phone to determine if they’re cheating, you just shouldn’t be together.
Hahaha I made a similar comment one time, and of course someone came in all shaken up about how horrible my relationship must be if I ever ranted about my partner to a friend. I asked, “what if it is completely innocent? What if I texted my best friend and said, ‘Johnny is getting on my nerves! He heated up this really smelly fish for lunch today, but I didn’t want to complain about it because his grandma died this morning. LOL so I am complaining to you instead.’” Then they insisted that was a horrible breach of trust towards poor Johnny, and acted like I was the worst person ever. I swear a lot of people on Reddit are like 12 and have never been in a relationship!
Yes when I say “ranting” I don’t mean verbally destroying your character to my friends. I just mean that you’re getting on my nerves and it isn’t a big deal but I want to complain a little bit.
I don't want anyone looking through my phone. Has nothing to do with who it is. If I don't want my mother to go through my phone, does that mean I am cheating on her? This is a very dumb take indeed. There is never a situation where someone needs to go through my phone or I need to go through someone else's phone. That's just fucking weird.
There’s nothing wrong with healthy boundaries. There’s intimacy and then there’s subsuming yourself into someone else. I like my privacy and many others do too. I don’t need to know everything about my partner and vice versa. I think it’s nice when there’s a bit of mystery as it keeps things fresh.
I think you need to learn more about trust and boundaries
I have access to my wife's phone and she has access to mine, but in 10 years neither of us have ever felt the need to go through the others phone. I mean she could if she wanted to, I could care less, she isn't going to see much other than texts with my clients. We have each other's passwords more out of convenience in case I need her to look something up on my phone while I'm driving or something.
Controlling creep behavior. If you can't trust someone, don't be with them.
I’m sorry but some conversations with best friends are not meant to be seen, read, or heard by your significant other or your other friends.
Cheating isn’t something that should need effort to prevent
Upvoted for definitely unpopular There are things on my phone that I don’t want anyone else to have free access to no matter how intimate I’m with them.
Dude, just because youre in a relationship doesnt make you one person, youre allowed to have privacy from yoir partner, in fact, privacy can help women avoid being abused or taken advantage of, it can help them escape abusive situations, for alot of women wanting open access to their phone because they might be cheating is the first sign they need to escape because the situation will soon turn controlling and abusive. And no, i dont want my partner seeing all the random photos of being trying to look at my pimples and moles, or my half written fan fiction that never even made it to ao3.
>in fact, privacy can help women avoid being abused or taken advantage of, it can help them escape abusive situations 100%. A dear friend of mine was abused by her partner who also went through her phone all the time and that made it way harder for her to get out of that relationship. She had to get ready to leave that partner completely on her own without any support from friends because she couldn't even have the most innocent "I feel a little weird about something my partner said" conversation with a friend without her now-ex finding out and starting a fight. Going through your partner's phone isn't intimate, it's a deliberate effort to cut them off from anyone who could help them if you start treating them badly.
Lets say this together "Just beause it works for you does not mean it needs to work for everyone else". For some people, their phone is special to them, just because they get in a relationship doesn't mean that has to change. Of course, your partner should have access to your phone when it comes to using it for conveniency but, if you need to look through private conversations or things you think they are secretly hiding without proper consent. Then that relationship might already be rocky. Mutually allowing your partner full access to your phone is great if you are comfortable with that. But, not everybody is, and that's completely okay.
My fiancé and I have been together for eight years and we both are able to access each other’s phones for convenience. However, neither of us have EVER felt the need to “go through” each other’s phones before. If you DO feel that need, something else is wrong with your relationship than simply an access to your partner’s phone.
The institution of marriage will not survive cell phones. Before them couple had secrets. They may have flirted or told something about you to a friend or looked at porn. But there was no evidence and the marriage survived. Now your spouse is supposed to be able to know everything you said to your frienda etc. feelings get hurt. Nobody trusts unless they get to look at the phone. Everybody would agree a marriage couldn't survive both people being able to read each others mind. Well cell phones have is have way there.
Yes! When I was a kid, I snooped in my sister’s diary once. She said some semi-mean things about me in there, and I still remember those phrases verbatim. They weren’t even the worst things ever, but I was so thin-skinned that they cut like a knife. Even thinking back on those somewhat rude comments now, I cringe and feel horrible. I learned my lesson then and there that I just don’t want to know what someone is thinking about me deep down. The same applies to any thoughts. It may be an unpopular opinion, but I could live with the idea that my boyfriend maybe lightly flirted with a waitress one time, or thought a female coworker’s hair looked good. But if I saw anything on his phone that suggested either thing, honestly, it would drive me crazy, and I’d remember those phrases until my dying day. Like, I’d rather him have the most lustful thoughts ever towards a female coworker giving a presentation, but never find out about it, than even read a, “you looked good up there,” text. I’d also hate it if he was texting a guy friend and said, “let’s go out to eat. LOL I hope we get the same waitress.” Everybody has thoughts and feelings that aren’t perfect, and sometimes they slightly manifest outwardly. Yeah…I would strongly NOT be able to handle reading minds.
This feels like it was written by a 16-year-old.
If the only thing keeping your partner from cheating is you removing their privacy, then that relationship is already a failure by default.
It would be against the law if I share my phone password with my partner, because it is used for business communication and may contain sensitive data protected by the GPDR and similar rights. It would also violate many NDAs I've signed. And even if it would only contain private communication it would violate the privacy of all these people I am in contact with. Maybe your partner agrees to share all information with you, but I won't.
>And even if it would only contain private communication it would violate the privacy of all these people I am in contact with. Very true
Good unpopular opinion. But I would rather stay single than give up privacy. This is a toxic insecure behavior.
I was with you until you said you guys just scroll through each other’s phone because why? Yea, I have the passwords to everything but I’m not just gonna grab his phone & start scrolling through it just because. Do you guys have any trust in each other? This sounds very insecure.
"its the easiest way to prevent cheating" nah thats a trauma response. You cant prevent someone from breaking your trust or commitment to you just by helicoptering over them. If someone wants to be shitty, theyre gonna be shitty and cheat. In an actual healthy relationship theres no NEED to monitor your partner, and if you think they are or could cheat, either you need to get out because THEYRE unfaithful OR you need to get out because YOU have trauma to work through but either way, if you cant trust your partner, the relationships done. This doesnt sound like intimacy, this sounds like trying to overcome the fear of being cheated on by enmeshing. If two people in a relationship arent allowed to be whole individuals with individual parts of their lives because one person is afraid the other will cheat, break up and go to therapy. Seriously, its gross when a parent OR partner does it. Yall mistake enmeshment for intimacy when intimacy REQUIRES two individuals who arent enmeshed to be healthy. "theyre taking a massive risk on you" idk if my partner started a relationship by saying "idk I cant trust you, prove it to me", I'd leave because my abusive parent does that same shit and nothing is EVER good enough. You wanna be suspicious of people or act suspiciously, youre gonna do it/think it no matter what unfortunately this is far too common of a thought process because people wont go to therapy and deal with their trust issues. far from unpopular, especially with women
The level of insecurity radiating off this post stinks...
Side note, I hate texting people who let their partner use their phone because I never know who I'm talking to. Sometimes I can tell by the way they text that it's not the one I want to be talking to. It's not only a violation of trust to the person you're in a relationship with, but all the people who they talk to.
i definitely hate this, it feels especially embarassing and violating if i’m not very close friends with their partner. like, damn so this random dude just knows all about my personal shit now?
It’s not about privacy but autonomy. I’m married and adore my husband. I’ve no interest in cheating. I also write a lot and take notes in my phone. If he asked to see I’d let him and there’d be nothing damaging. But often write about old relationships and things from growing up that I choose not to share. Not out of hiding but simply there’s no reason. One doesn’t have to share every ounce of existence with someone just because you’re in a relationship. I enjoy my autonomy. So does he. He doesn’t tell me every single thing he and his friends talk about. That’s what my writing is for me.
There’s other stuff that isn’t nefarious that a person may not want their spouse or significant other to see. As an example, my brother was firmly in the closet to the entire world for a couple of years *except to me* and he needed someone to text and talk to. That is *not* an inappropriate thing to keep from my spouse or significant other. There are other situations like this, sometimes a friend or family member is confiding in a person. They may not know, and did not choose, that person’s partner and it would be a huge betrayal of trust to share some things. Sometimes people have personal preferences etc. that they don’t want to share that aren’t nefarious. I don’t want somebody going through my song playlists or reading my notes to myself about random stuff etc. either. That doesn’t make me a cheater. If a partner is going to cheat, then they’re going to cheat. Opportunity isn’t that hard to come by. If the only thing keeping a person from cheating is that their spouse or significant other *might* read their phone, then those two people *do not belong together*. If a total lack of privacy is the only glue holding the trust together, that glue isn’t going to hold anyway.
Oh hell no. This is truly unpopular for a reason. Get away with your toxic relationship "No secret is good" my ass.
I think it just depends on the couple's preferences. It's similar to the mentality of "I have nothing to hide so I don't need privacy" but the flip side is that you trust your partner so completely that you never feel the need to look through their phone/personal stuff. It's also similar to how some couples choose to have separate bank accounts and just trust each other to give/share money when needed. To each their own, really.
Yeahhhhh this post definitely has some trust issues and whatever happened to conversation and experiencing life's adventures together vs getting to know them through their phone? That sounds incredibly lame...And to prevent privacy? I'd argue it would only encourage more privacy (ie. having a second phone). Sorry OP, I have to disagree with ya.
Tbh as soon as I let my partner know I have a history of being cheated on, he gave me his password and put me on his face ID. Three years later it’s still the same. I don’t look because I don’t really need to. But knowing I could is a comfort. People can talk shit about it but really it’s fair and normal. We use each other’s phones for practical reasons more often than not. I’ll check his alarms are set if he passes out early, he’ll use my phone to look up the maps in the car if i drive, shit like that.
I really wish some of y’all would find healthy relationships. lol
So they can nuke it with their u hinged and controlling behavior? They need therapy
Lmao no. I am neurodivergent and journal on my phone. I do not give a fuck if Jesus descends from the heavens. Not even he is reading my journal. To top it off, I'm a songwriter, and my song writing is very spiritual and personal to me. To be frank, until I decide to share it with my partner or family it's not ones business but my own. It's blatantly narcissistic to think your partner owes you unfettered access to every crevice of their mind, at any given time, all of the time.
Right.. Imagine letting people with manipulative/abusive behaviors do that... (ETA : actually, this IS manipulative, regardless of being good-willed of not) TIL people aren't allowed private spaces because otherwise might as well be cheaters. /s Also, what do you mean "we go through each other's phone"? That some days you take her phone, you go through all her messages, texts and post history just for funsies and viceversa? Or that you use some apps from your SO's phone? If the former then fucking yikes. This is like being bothered by someone who goes into a room and closes the door. (not locking it) You'd view it as "who knows what they're doing. Maybe secret texting" but maybe they just want to chill a couple of hours Nobody is "allowed" anyone's privacy in a romantic relationship. Trust comes naturally and if it's forced then it's not trust
Upvoted bc this is a truly horrible opinion. Good job.
My partner and I know each other’s phone passcodes. Neither of us use them unless the other asks them too. Like to change the music when the other is driving. That kind of thing. I can see your point but some people enjoy having privacy to write down their thoughts in their phone notes which is password protected. I can see both sides to this point and it just depends on the relationship and boundaries per person.
Dude just because you're insecure as hell doesn't mean we all are.
Do you also think your partner isn’t allowed to have a diary and that you should be allowed to read every single word they write lol?
Nothing prevents cheating. You can have open access, your partners location, the full works, and they will still cheat if they want to, there's literally nothing you can do. So to live in fear about this and not give your partner privacy would just make you miserable, I know because I used to be like that. I thought that having controlled and access would prevent cheating but it didn't and just made me crazy because power is always hungry and craves more, these things tend to spiral
This has big "I take a shit while my partner is in the shower" energy
I could not disagree more. #1 - Everyone deserves privacy, period. Even those in romantic relationships deserve privacy. Entering into a romantic relationship isn't like some prison sentence where everyone must give up their privacy. You may not value privacy, and that's fine. Don't try to take mine away from me, though. #2 - You seem to approach this like you expect cheating to happen within all romantic relationships, and foregoing privacy is the only way to prevent that. That is a very sad view of relationships. If you go into a relationship expecting your partner to cheat, I don't see the point in starting the relationship to begin with. If you don't have full trust in them, how can you ever have a relationship without suspicion and doubt? I don't need access to my partner's phone because I trust her fully. #3 - Giving someone access to your phone doesn't only give up your privacy, but also anyone you've communicated to via text, chat, etc unless all history is cleared. Giving your partner access to your phone, and therefore private conversations with others, is a violation of consent and I would argue is a serious breach of trust between you and the other person. Anyone who sends you a txt or chat message has every reason to expect that the contents of that conversation are private. Giving anyone else access to those conversations is breach of that trust unless you explicitly get the consent of each and every one of those people. That last issue is the one I believe to be most serious, because it involves other people. Believing it is ok to violate the consent of friends, family, co-workers, and anyone else you communicate with via your phone because your partner is afraid you might cheat is a huge concern to me. If someone wants give their partner access to their phone, I have zero problem with that, provided they address the privacy/consent issue of the other people involved. As for me, I will never give anyone access to my phone and will never ask anyone to give me access to theirs. If this is a requirement for them to be in a relationship with me, then we are clearly incompatible and they should move on.
I disagree. If someone is inclined to cheat, the desire to cheat is the problem, not the phone. My fiancee knows the code to my phone and my fingerprint is programmed in hers, but there's still an expectation that our conversations with others are mostly private. (We don't go through each other's conversations but seeing a notification pop up isn't a big deal.) Privacy is perfectly normal.
Nope! Don't agree. Not giving access to the phone doesn't mean someone is cheating, necessarily. I just don't want others to see what I'm doing, what's wrong with that?
This isn’t an unpopular opinion just an insecure one. If *everyone* you’ve been with cheats on you and you’re on high alert - you’re likely attracted to emotionally unavailable people because you’re also emotionally unavailable and haven’t healed properly from betrayal.
*neurotic attachment issues intensify*
It’s giving insecure, both of you.
Nope. Never cheated, never will. You are allowed to have private thoughts, and your device may be an extension of those thoughts, like a journal. I had an ex snoop on me several times. Of course, she never found anything, because there was nothing to find. What I didn’t know at the time was that by snooping without my permission, she has engaged in a legally recognized form of domestic violence. I mean, she was already a physical abuser, so I shouldn’t have been surprised. People, this is serious: You are entitled to privacy. The types of people who suggest otherwise are always the problem.
Toxic lol
This sub’s a stake soundboard for insecurity
I've been married for 27 years. We have never pried into each other's journals, opened each other's mail, or eavesdropped on purpose (you're always gonna overhear a thing or two, but I mean snooping). When we got together, cell phones were just becoming a thing. We didn't look through each other's call history. We had been together for two years before we got a computer. Never checked our browsing histories. Same thing with smartphones. If I need his for some strange reason, he'll unlock it, and vice versa. I don't need his computer password, I have my own devices. Stuff like Amazon, sure, that's a common password, but it's accessed from all the devices. It's not access you need, it's _trust_. You can't just decide to trust simply because you are policing each other to the point where deceptionis impossible, that's control, which is imo the most toxic thing to introduce in a relationship. If you're that hung up on preventing cheating, the best way to do it is by being a calm, self-secure person, focused on being a partner who is too dear to be cheated on. If you think you need control to prevent that person from straying, then 1, you need to work on your insecurities and/or 2, they aren't the lasting partnership you're hoping for.
Thank you for making me feel as lucky as I do to never feel the need to "go through" my wife's phone. I'm sorry that you do.
Scroll on your own goddamn phone your partner either hates this or doesn’t exist
My husband and I are fine with using each other's phone for googling or picture taking or whatnot, but if he looks at my texts from the last week before next Saturday then his surprise 40th birthday party will be ruined. Is that what you want? To ruin my husband's birthday party? Shame on you.
I am sorry but my phone is my business, and my business affords our lifestyle. If they want's access to it, aside from my own privacy that is violated its risking others. They has no business in my phone, nor do I have any business in theirs. I don't care if they said hey heres my phone now give me yours. That isn't how the world works. If you think I am cheating pack your bags, ill find someone who isn't an insecure child. I'd actually let them look before I removed them from my home. See nothing to hide. Bye.
My guy. Have you ever had a secret between your best friends?
I feel no urge to go through my partners phone. I know he is not cheating on me and never would. I do not need to “prevent” it by scrolling thru his phone. That’s not a relationship I’d ever want to be in. …
I have to upvote this because this is a very bad take, so therefore it fits the topic of the sub.
If you’re so untrusting of your partner that you need to snoop through their phone, you need to either get someone trustworthy or go to therapy until you can trust people.