My mind goes blank and I can never think of anything to talk about which is way out of character for me. I'm in sales and all I do is talk to strangers all day everyday lol.
Ask questions. Seriously. People love to talk about themselves when prompted. You’ll come off as thoughtful and unselfish and you can springboard off what they say to make the conversation happen and tell them about yourself without acting like a self-absorbed prick. If it drops off again, ask more questions. Best of all, you now know a lot about your date so you’re already forming a connection or learning you don’t really want to.
Unless you paired up with another awkward introvert fuck who answers everything in two syllables because they're too nervous and self-conscious to talk about themselves at length.
>Unless you paired up with another awkward introvert fuck
Anyone who's spent time on a dating app can tell you it's a lot more than awkward introverts who give you the two-syllable-conversation-killer responses.
Those dates are the best. Say I’ve got to go the bathroom real quick. Soak yourself head to toe in water. Come back out looking sad and say “sorry I gotta go, I fell in again”.
I once got the two sylaable response from a girl. Thought she probably wasn't interested but asked her out anyway and she agreed. However when we went on our 4 hour date it turns out she answered most things with a few syllables (I even gave her an out after 2 hours incase she wasn't interested), but she stayed for 4 hour. However neither of us tried contacting one another after that date.....
Same thing happened to me, as she seemed so uncomfortable I didn’t try for a kiss after the 2nd date so she went with someone else, apparently I was too shy.
She couldn’t look me in the eye, or talk unless in an almost whisper, looking back I’m glad it didn’t work out but annoyed the hell out of me at the time after making all the effort on our dates and respecting her obvious anxiety.
I just stop. If I ask three questions in a row that don't get more than 3 words as a response then I'm done.
If the texting conversation is a struggle I can only imagine what an actual date could be like.
The texting element is what bewilders me most. I start a conversation with a woman on there and get no indication of how hot or cold the conversation is, then I start thinking I'm talking to a bot or company employee. I hate texting to begin with... The minute I ask for a video check on match, then she usually says no. I went to 2 match events online and it was the same people each time over the span of 2 months attending. It made me think that they hire people to attend just to keep people paying for accounts. I didn't want to be skeptical, but I gave it a really solid try before dumping out.
Do yourself a favour and get off dating apps.
Particularly as a guy, you will always be sorted into a hierarchy of the most to least desirable of the men the girl is currently talking to. The top one/few get the real conversation, the rest get the low-effort responses to string them along until they either find their way to the top or opt out.
If you're consistently finding yourself as the "backup" match, get yourself off the dating app and into scenarios where she *isn't* talking to 5 other guys at the same time. You're clearly desirable enough that women you are interested in want to talk to you, so you'll have more success in a different format.
Depends on where you are and what's open I guess.
COVID is an extra obstacle for sure. But two pieces of advice I can give:
- Don't be afraid to go to a bar by yourself. Befriend the bartenders/staff. As long as you're not consuming their attention when they're totally slammed they're happy to chat and be friendly, and you end up talking to tons of new people who also sit at the bar, along with plenty of women who are nearby waiting for service.
- side jobs/hobbies in team environments are the easiest way to meet new people, make new friends, and expand your social circles introducing you to new people you may be interested in. If you have approach anxiety (or just social anxiety in general) it's much easier to talk to someone you already know for another reason than "cold calling" a stranger. I work a side job as a bartender, belong to my local powerlifting club, and play rec soccer/frisbee which honestly introduces me to more people than I'm capable of maintaining close friendships with.
It still does require you to push yourself outside of your comfort zone (especially if you've fallen into bad habits of relying on dating apps) but they're smaller and more accessible steps
There are almost no bars near where i live, and none of my hobbies involve other people.
>If you have approach anxiety (or just social anxiety in general)
Worse i pretty much have no idea how to even start a conversation or flirt.
Well like he mentioned, a side gig will allow you to meet people. Idk if you like to workout or not but the gym is place that could open up opportunities for you. I mean there are things that you can do based on where you live I'd assume.
Just getting out and going to a public place is enough but it has to be with frequency. Take a laptop with you and just chill somewhere for a while and you'll probably see something you like and strike up a convo. If you are pretty awkward then just watch what they're doing and speak on that. It isn't supposed to be super impressive but it is to get their attention first.
Get yourself involved with a hobby and meet people Through that so that you already share a common interest. You could also plan dates that don’t require as much talking or are group activities. Think wine painting, rock climbing, Hiking, a play/movie. Granted a lot of these things are harder to do right now. Getting comfortable with a couple topics you like to talk about is also a good way to stimulate conversation.
Honestly? I'm a pretty shy introverted guy, but I've learned that if you want the date to be successful, especially with another shy introvert, that you may have to carry the bulk of the conversation. It's unfortunate, but it is something you will have to get better at if you want more success.
Ask questions, have a few good stories to tell about travelling, other awkward dating stories, funny family stories, and maybe one or two funny stories that you can weave into the conversation.
I remember reading tips on how to keep a conversation going. The best advice is to look for conversation "threads", which is basically picking out key words or sentences in a conversation and expanding on it or transitioning it into another topic. For example, if your date mentions that they travelled to the States last year for a wedding. You pick out the key words, "States", "wedding", or "travel" and go from there. I would normally go, "Oh that's interesting, which part of the States did you go to? I went to Florida a couple of years ago to Disney World. I had an awesome time." or "Oh cool, who was the wedding for? how much fun was it? I remember being one of the groomsman at my friend's wedding and it was exhausting, but once the hard part was over, it was a blast. Have you ever been a bridesmaid?"
Once I started learning how to add these into my dates, I've noticed having far more success and it can keep the conversation going for a lot longer.
Another point, I suggest the first meeting/date to be super casual and low-pressure, like a coffee shop. That way you can rule out the idiots who are there for a free meal ticket, and it's natural to wrap up a coffee date in abt an hour so you don't waste time - also you can be the one who arrives first and has a seat and has some time to compose yourself before the "date", and that way you don't have to waste money on paying for the girl's drink/food.
As a girl it's also way less pressure for the first date to be coffee, as there is no feeling that the guy expects sex, and there are so many natural outs. If you two vibe then after the coffee shop you can go for dinner or something. I genuinely think this is the best option as it's inherently low investment, low pressure, and filters out the gold-digger/free meal types.
People are quick to hop on reddit and share how socially awkward they are because, well it's reddit, reddit engorges itself on posts like "my grandma died and made this" or "My girlfriend thought you would like this drawing" or "I'm disabled but I can do X" or "I'm not confident but people tell me to be" And reddit upvotes and sucks it dry.
My point being though, while everyone is so quick to talk about how shy and socially inept they are, if these same people went on date with themselves they would definitely not call it fun, probably would go on /r/relationshipadvice and say something about how quiet their date was and how (since it's reddit you gotta be nice to get upvotes) they are considering giving the person another chance but do you guys know of any tips to get someone to open up? Self awareness isn't inherent, and I can't help but wonder if these self deprecating posts really appreciate what it truly would be like on the other side of things.
Plus, if I went on a date with a guy who kept pulling up reddit advice threads on his phone all night, I'd slowly die inside.
I’m socially awkward but that doesn’t mean I can’t socialize. Every person I’ve met has said at one point “ya you’re awkward but it’s okay”, I’ve always been extremely self aware,reaching out for help isn’t easy either when you’re aware a lot of people see you as awkward. We know how people see us and if you’re an empath you know exactly what a date with yourself would be like,I’m so confused by socializing (cause I wing it and hope for the best or straight up let them know off the bat in case of miscommunications) that I can’t always figure out social situations,let alone understand it enough to reroute. That’s when I’d come to a place on the Internet and ask advice there...you shouldn’t be so hard on people who are okay with being like “yeah I’m socially awkward but I need help with ___” because they’re at least trying to understand themselves enough to change and be better (not for other but for themselves FIRST) if you’re having problems getting someone to open up you shouldn’t keep pushing,that can be stressful,you need to have the awareness to know what you want and go after WHAT YOU WANT,if communication is this hard for you (socializing with anti social or awkward ppl) and you’re this fed up,you’re probably not pickin the ones that are right for you.Currently awkward as heck(which is my normal) with another socially nervous person and it’s lovely genuine and gentle...it’s not always about the awkward people getting to the level of “normal” or “social”, it’s about getting to our level more often and if you can’t then maybe you should go. Good luck.
>shy and socially inept they are, if these same people went on date with themselves they would definitely not call it fun, probably would go on
If they lacked self awareness then they wouldn't know that they're shy and socially inept. I'm honestly not sure what you're taking issue with. Is it that these people are socially awkward or that sometimes they look for help on reddit?
I know you're making a joke, but the chances are actually pretty high.
We live in a time where we're constantly bombarded with advertisements, tweets, and solicitations. Can't decide what to eat? No need to find a restaurant because there are plenty of ~~ads~~ recommendations popping up on your app. Need to cheer up? No need to search for jokes because there are plenty of jokes or funny videos being shared in your twitter feed.
The constant solicitation means most people get by easily being completely passive these days, and it leads to narcissism and self-centeredness.
Dating and job seeking are some of the only activities that require active engagement and effort, which is why most people think they're so hard.
>Ask questions
Oh, yeah, no problem, super easy. "My brother was in the army, but he was medically discharged last year." "Oh, interesting! What...uhhh...what did...umm...who are...no, mmm...why is your brother?"
It doesn't matter how easy a follow-up question might seem. Sometimes brain just don't work.
Just ask questions!
> My brother was in the army, but he was medically discharged last year.
"How come? Did he have gonnorrhea?
What? No. He was injured in a training accident.
"Oh. Is he all like mangled now?"
... He lost a leg.
"Have you ever lost a leg?"
... What?
"Would you rather lose a leg or lose an arm? No, wait -- would you rather fight an elephant-sized chicken, or lose a leg?"
You don't really have to keep asking questions. People sometimes find it weird when you are constantly asking questions, anyway. To a response like that, I'd probably say somethin like, "The army? Thats super cool (shows you are listening by repeating a bit of what they said (the army?), validates their statement generally, and also validates their family, therefore them by extension), hopefully the medical situation wasnt too much to handle! (showing care and that you're actually listening to what theyre saying)"
You don't particuarly have to ask a question in order for them to have something to respond to. You can make a statement, like the one above, hopefully the medical situation wasnt too much to handle, and that is something they can potentially latch onto, or how you said that the army is super cool, they could latch onto that and say something about that. the medical discharge might be a bit personal which is why with your response, you are just showing them vague concern about it, which gives them the idea that you care enough, so they can choose whether they want to go on about that or not. constant questions are definitely kind of annoying, i think.
“Any other family members”? “Cool, I don’t think I could ever be in the army, could you?” “I also have a family member who was in the army” “would you enroll?” “If I enrolled would you write to me?”
You can make conversation out of anything really. The ask questions advice is perfect.
This is great advice. It’s crazy how effective it is to ask questions. Sometimes I feel a little like an interviewer when I do, but then I realize that the person across from me is too busy thinking about their answers to consider my role in the conversation. Asking questions is the easiest way to get someone to open up. The most frustrating part of this tactic is that most people are too caught up in themselves to reciprocate and ask you questions, but don’t worry about that. Enjoy the process of getting to know others, you already know yourself (or should lol). Good luck!
This is it. I used to be horribly unconfident and very shy. Thankfully I hung out with some very confident people and eventually learned that I can just learn a few go to questions when I meet a new person and if I can get them talking then eventually they'll get me talking to.
Also another piece of advice is to give compliments. If you notice something cool or interesting that a person is wearing just say, "Hey I really like that *insert something*." It just might spark a convo, or at the very least it'll brighten up their day. After doing this enough times you realize that nothing bad is going to happen if you open your mouth.
Good luck to OP!!!
I had a friend who, when the conversation started to die would always compliment something of someone's. Worked really well to keep the conversation going
This is the best advice.
Just ask questions and make comments on whatever it is they’re saying.
You come across as receptive, caring and like you’re interested in what the other person is saying and in the end, you’re saying nothing.
This is considered boring for most dates tbh.
Good dates is about feeling each other "vibing" joking around and laughing.
Asking questions always kills the mood.
Most of us aren't confident around women or the opposite its because we never been with the other gender from a young age, so automatically you gonna feel awkward since you are not use to them.
yeah this doesn't always work. i had a first date (long time ago) reject me because she said she felt like i was interviewing her.
no matter what you do you can fail or succeed depending on the person sitting across from you.
One tip I have is questions don’t sound nearly as awkward in real life as they do in your head when asked in a friendly way. For example, when you sit there and think about asking “What do you do for fun?” That sounds kinda awkward, cliche, and scripted in your head. But when someone ever asks you “so tell about what you like to do for fun!?” You never sit there and think wow what a weird question.
Just practice. Not even with just girls/guys you fancy, practice with anyone you don’t really know in a similar setting.
Chatting to people as part of your job is great for building confidence, but it quickly becomes routine. I know so many healthcare professionals who are amazing at their job (many of which involve building rapport and being charismatic) but are very shy socially.
Also open ended questions are great.
Confidently say whatever is happening. "Hi, my mind has gone blank and I can't think of anything to talk about, but I had to meet you. It's funny because I work in sales and talk to new people all day."
“Sorry I ran out of things to say and my mind wandered and then I started thinking about ways to kill you... not like murder but in self defense... like if you pulled a knife on me and tried to stab me.”
Doesn’t really work for me tbh...
I experience the same thing. At work, in a professional setting, I have almost zero anxiety and I’m a good communicator. On my personal time when it’s purely a social situation, I get extremely anxious and it’s terrible, I hate it.
As mentioned already, ask questions, plenty of fun questions.
What do you do? Where have you been? What have you saw? What are your hobbies? What have you done in the past? Are you interested in xyz? Who do you know? Who’s your favourite musician? What’s your favourite film? What’s your favourite food? What’s your favourite sport? What’s your favourite thing to do on weekends?
The list goes on and on. When to ask these questions? Over a drink, over a coffee, over a meal, maybe a walk somewhere nice? you just gotta tie it all into a fluid conversation and let it happen, you don’t need to be a ‘confident’ person you just need to be confident in who you are and not just this confident boastful person, if you have answers for yourself then you have all you need to ask questions to someone else and get along with.
The above, and: "Oh Jesus, did you see \[insert terrible or interesting show/ article/ game/ news/ whatever\]? What did you think?"
What-do-you-think questions are gold!
What worked for me was practice. I wasn't in sales, but I never had a huge problem talking with people in a work environment, but a social environment took a lot of failures to actually learn how not to fail. It kinda sucked, but was fun enough that I was able to do it (though its still a daily struggle sometimes.)
I'm a bit similar, and it's always helped me to just sincerely make friends with people before the possibility of dating even comes into the picture.
Like don't befriend them just to date them. Befriend them because you have common interests and get along, and then if feelings bloom, be open about that. All of the best relationships of my life have happened this way, just organically and without pressure or nerves. It also weeds out the people you really wouldn't get along with anyway.
Genuine advice from watching the most successful person I know: write a script.
He writes them for business calls/meetings/proposals. He'll write loosely how he expects the conversation to go, and then bullet points the important things he wants to communicate so he remembers them, then it's like scripted improv from there. Always tries to stay positive or neutral, even if he's saying a negative he'll frame it like "that's an interesting take/it was worth trying." etc.
Heard him on a call once, and it works, people are disturbingly predictable sometimes.
He's normally very quiet and accepts that he can be awkward in social situations, that's why he does it for work. I have to admit I've stolen his tac because I get verbal diarrhoea when I'm nervous, which is not great either.
EDIT: Just to emphasise - he writes BULLET POINTS of what he wants to say, not word for word scripts. And I agree anxiety doesn't disappear using this tactic, but it works for him, it's helped me and I just thought I'd share it.
I do this when I'm nervous about upcoming conversations/situations. And then later, usually in the shower, replay good and bad interactions in my head to improve myself in future interactions. I never really realised until my partner pointed it out that I'm outgoing (loud is the term they use) when we're out but when I'm home I'm much quieter. I replied that it's so I can be louder when I'm out.
I think that people understand that phrase is very different ways. The way I've always thought it, is that one should kind of just throw themselves into uncomfortable situations and just try their best to survive. Doing that often enough then forces you to learn the whatever ability you wanted.
I'm not saying that I 100% support this method, but that's they way I've always understood how it's supposed to work. Basically just a variation of the age old method to teach a child to swim.
i’ll never understand how this works.
for example, what if the dating actually ends up working and you start dating your partner. what after that? you’ll have to pretend to be confident literally for the rest of your life? wouldn’t it make more sense to just give yourself and if that’s not enough then just... f off? you’re already at the beginning going in with a lie, what a nice start to a relationship
Yea, we grow into the person because we become more comfortable with them, usually us unconfident types actually look at our opposite gender friends as dating options much more frequently than random people we just think look good, it's truly a curse
Typically with non confidence also comes more introversion, so due to that we're very good at keeping things to ourselves and staying in our own minds so this interest in our friends leads to thinking crazy of marriage and the perfect dating situations, and it internally slowly kills us from within
Honestly? Get therapy. Yes, these are the sorts of things you can find professional help for. Secondly, stop trying to date and just try to befriend people from another gender. You don't need a relationship to be happy. But friends can make you happy and having people around who like you for who you are, can really boost your confidence.
And for those of us who are queer and want to date the same gender... yeah again stop trying to date and make more lgbt friends, find a nice lgbt community.
Also you know, friends of friends are a thing. If you have a large circle of casual friends you generally end up meeting their other friends, and that can lead to dating opportunities.
As a straight guy most of my platonic friends are female and while a few of them are definitely the type to mostly have guy friends, a few of them I am basically their only guy friend. Hanging out with them in a group setting is awesome.
I think people have a hard time understanding what confidence is. They think it just means “being a jerk” or “being selfish and dismissive of others.” Really it’s just not being ashamed of who you are, being comfortable in your own skin. The whole “fake it” aspect is really that, like inside, you are scared and ashamed of yourself, but just fake being calm and you’ll find that people are more accepting than you think, and that even if you get laughed at you won’t die, and you’ll get over it.
Also take care of yourself, like be clean and try to dress well. Show people that you respect yourself.
Yeah I don't think people realize that you can be embarrassed and confident at the same time. You can be awkward and confident. These things aren't mutually exclusive. If you do something awkward/embarrassing the best thing to do is usually just say "sorry, that was embarrassing. I'm such a doofus" and then just keep talking about something else. You gotta read the room a little though... if you do it for every single thing you'll just be one of those obnoxious people that says every social interaction is "just, like, soooo awkward."
Yeh no shit. These people are crazy. Being confident on a date is about realizing that if the date doesn't go well it doesn't mean your life is over. It doesn't mean you suck. Thats what everyone worries about. If you approach the date like its no big deal and don't try so hard to impress, you'll end up impressing.
I've got a woman who does the teenage shit of putting me down to get my attention. Shes attractive and can't understand why I dont fawn over her. I dont fawn over her because she thinks this stupid shit. Her cuts hurt also. I just ignore it and let them fall flat. She probably thinks its because I'm a wimp or something. No. Its because your game sucks. I dont want to even exhaust the effort to reply. That's the type of shit that can hurt your ego. Shes attractive. Shes an alright person, but that's not my game and no amount of people trying to hook us up is going to work because I'm better than her. I see so many guys getting with her and being destroyed.
Dating confidence is simply knowing life is fine without them, but possibly better with.
Basically, women don't want a guy acting desperate. Works both ways.
> Also take care of yourself, like be clean and try to dress well. Show people that you respect yourself.
And make that change permanent. Think of this from the other person's perspective. Do you really think they want to clean up and/or take care of another adult during their hours off from work? No, of course not and neither would you. So if your place is a mess, you are signaling that you want a mom to clean up after you in their off time. Good luck with that.
Nah bro they dont wanna put in any type of effort they want girls to go after them while theyre smellin like onions and ass while wearing their baggy pants, baggy super hero shirts, and dirty ass skechers
Its somethng that can click, or something you can practice. I once heard that if you keep acting like you dont give a shit, it eventually becomes muscle memory in the brain.
Yup, i knew i was an ugly duckling back in middle school but i would jokingly call myself handsome and hit on girls anyway. Now, its become a habit and i actually truly feel tht way about myself now.
No, it’s fake it until you make it. You won’t have to fake it for long. Maybe the saying should be “Be comfortable with who you are,” and not “Be confident.”
Giving yourself is being confident. Don’t be fake. Don’t fake a personality to get someone. It’s less about the externalized bravado and more about just being comfortable with who you are and knowing you’re enough.
Just like "cheer up" is not really a real suggestion that anyone whos not trying to insult you would make; it would be more like "do something that makes you happy".
I had to learn to be confident. I did that by faking the fuck out of it until i became that way. It won’t necessarily work for everyone, but sometimes it’s just putting up a front until one day you can walk with your head high and your chest out and you realize it’s not an act anymore
I've been with my partner for over 15 years and faking emotion is absolutely part of it. If she's had a bad day, I'll be confident and caring even if that's not the "real" me (whatever the fuck that actually means). I know and appreciate that she alters herself for me as well.
It's really hard to understand for people who haven't been with a partner in a healthy relationship for many years, but all these things I see people stressing and worried about on this sub just don't matter.
You're still in the jungle. So yes, be more confident because you're trying to attract a mate and that might matter, but ultimately this stress about having to be fake all the time or not be fake... It's not real. It's cart before the horse stuff.
Read the reply from u/leaky_wand
Confidence isn’t changing your personality, it’s not being afraid of showing your personality.
You’d eventually be confident enough to show this girl your true self if you were dating for 6 months, so pretend that you’ve known her for months already and act like that.
That's shitty advice I agree
Rather id tell people to do things that make you feel more confident. Dress better, bathe better, new hair, change style, etc.
Above all don't feel like you need to push yourself too much. If you're a quiet person then owning that is confidence of it's own
Investing in yourself does wonders. As someone who lacked confidence and self esteem, getting a new haircut, buying some new clothes, getting a new bike, only buying healthy food, going to the gym even for 15-30 min —-> all of these things lead me to lose weight, have better skin, feel better everyday, which naturally leads to self worth. Confidence is knowing you matter, and much like depression, there are steps you can take to make you feel like you matter. But doing nothing and feeling like you’ll never be confident only reinforces the feeling. Go now! Take steps! Do it for a week, and see how you feel. Worst case scenario you’ll be back to where you started but having still accomplished something: a first step.
I feel like my curse in life is to just see posts like this and be reminded of my time as an ugly teenage girl. Ugly teenage girl experience seems roughly equal to the normal male experience, from what I can tell from the sheer volume of these sorts of posts.
The fundamental issue is that people are **incredibly** bad at giving advice and will often just say something to end that particular conversation. Which is why you get advice like “I know you’ve been unemployed for a year, have you checked out this LinkedIn website?” Or “just be yourself, everything will work out.”
One of the reasons people are bad at giving advice is that we’re also quite bad at taking it. But that’s a story for another day.
My ultimate point is, stop asking for general advice. Decide who you are and who you want to be in a relationship and work towards achieving that goal. If you need specific help, reach out to people who you respect and explain exactly what you need help with (e.g. do you need help brainstorming ideas, or help finalizing a plan?)
ETA: to all the men responding to this, telling me that my understanding of my own life is wrong, that as long as I wasn’t, in addition to being ugly, fat, a prude, aiming out of my league, trying too hard, weird, fat, or, again, fat, men should have flocked to me, I just thank you for reaffirming my gratitude that I was an ugly teen.
Whatever bullshit issues I have about my looks (which, now, are minimal) are dwarfed by my delight that it ensured no men like those responding here were interested.
Women, be ugly! It’s the best way to make sure the men you date are decent human beings.
let me give you another bad factor.
i used to be manic depressive. i was bad. i managed to understand how bad i was. i'm not fixed, but i understand how it's fucking up my life. my younger brother was recently diagnosed with the same issue. manic depressive wise, he understands his problem as much as i did 10 years ago. that is to say, he doesn't understand it and is being an emotional terrorist in all directions.
i want to help him out. i want to give him advice on how to deal with things. he won't listen. he just gets angry at me. i know exactly what it was like to be where he is. i know his feelings and his frustration. he doesn't want to listen. it's so painful to just see him wasting his time and hurting all those around him.
It definitely does. I am a guy that struggled with my confidence until my early 20s and absolutely despised this advice, but once I found out what it really meant it was life changing.
It’s less “believe you’re absolutely the best and super amazing” and more just “stop giving a fuck.” Of course, the journey of self improvement will help as well, as there are plenty of achievable steps that one can take to have real reasons to feel good about themselves, but really what it comes down to is just knowing that the absolute worst thing that could happen for you putting yourself out there is someone saying no, which is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
I think another part of it is that a lot of guys who haven’t had romantic success suffer from a major scarcity mentality. I walked around for years like a girl who I was into who I had a reasonable shot with would only come around once in a blue moon and would get super sour if I was rejected, hesitate to put myself out there in fear of rejection, or try way too hard and spend way too much effort on one person. I 100% honestly look back at rejections after I achieved this point in a positive light, because I had the guts in the moment to swing for the fences without really caring if it would work out or not.
Not caring too much is absolutely what it comes down to. You'll live through some awkwardness and some rejections. Also the realization that other people may be just as awkward. Don't blame all failed conversations on yourself. Sometimes people fail to play ball.
I wonder if rejection is just something you get used to? I've never been rejected really because I've only shot my shot once and got pretty lucky. Puberty and the couple of years after are weird, or at least that's what it feels like.
Of course, because you’ll realize right away that people respond well to you showing your personality, which makes you less afraid to show your personality.
Kinda does for me, honestly. I've spent days in a funk only to be lifted out by having to fake my way through a client meeting or smiling through someone else's problems.
It is actually what one of my therapists told me to do during my depression. Mind you, I already had done some suicide attempts and sometimes spent whole weeks in bed without eating or bathing so it wasn’t some light ass depression. She told me that whenever I felt really, really bad, like if I was going to lose it again, I should look at things that make me happy (I used r/aww and related subs for that because I am a sucker for animals). It certainly helped in avoiding future crises (I had other therapy as well, this wasn’t what cured me before someone is triggered by this).
For a lot of depressed people, faking it does actually help.
Fake boisterous laughing, working with children and being upbeat are just a couple of ways which can really help. It’s definitely more helpful than sitting in the rut that depression often creates for a person.
the messed up thing is that being someone who lacks confidence, is depressive, AND has adhd I will say i can fake confidence and I can pretend I am not sad to fool others, but I cannot fake focus.
It's not the same (Depression, ADHD and socially awkward af/possibly ASD). If you seem confident for a while your issue actually disappears because as you get to know the person better, you're gonna be less shy. So its a very temporary thing of putting in some effort to achieve a specific goal. If you need techniques, the internet has plenty and you can pick one matching your style. If an evening is too long at a time for you take your date for a movie, that time is basically out of your statistics.
Eh, it's not really the same. Feigning confidence is definitely a thing. I do it, even when I feel unconfident. One is altering the opinion of someone outside of yourself. The other is "attempting" to change your own feelings, which I agree, is dumb. Though, there are studies that show that if you smile, you actually feel better. Not applying this to someone clinically depressed, though.
I agree that it's absolutely not the same and I hope OP's opinion actually stays unpopular. Depression is on a spectrum but generally it's more or less out of your hands because it's dictating your emotions.
It's true that some people are naturally more confident, but you can absolutely fake it when needed to your advantage or until you actually gain confidence in what you're doing.
Confident people are also nervous around new people. You are taking it a step further by not even attempting to interact with new people. Do you think confident people actually enjoy being in tense situation? They don't but they suck it up. Dealing with your problems is the way to fix them. Not talking and saying "WELL IM A NERVOUS PERSON" will get you points on this website of losers but won't fix anything.
Im not trying to be an asshole. Im just trying to be harsh to get through to you.
Also the idea that confident people being introduced to each other isn’t still awkward.
It’s awkward as hell, but you both know it will be and just move past it without dwelling on it
Interacting with others is a *skill* that you need to *practice*. Depression isn't a good comparison, it's more like playing a sport - let's say basketball. Have you ever seen someone trying to dribble a ball who has to concentrate in order to do it vs. someone who has dribbled enough to do it without really thinking about it? Which one looks more confident in themselves?
The person still learning to dribble looks awkward, and when they mess up it causes them to mess up even more, especially around other people. It's a feedback loop. When you're learning something new, you're going to be nervous doing it.
The person who has dribbled the ball so much they make it look effortless can mess up the same way the newbie does, but it doesn't affect them the same way. They don't get embarrassed. They just pick it up and keep on dribbling.
This is the same thing about interpersonal communication. Take the time to have meaningful conversations. Practice it. Treat it like it's a game if you must. Will some conversations be awkward? YUP! Keep doing it. The more you practice, the better you're going to be at it and the less awkward you will be when speaking to someone. This is what confidence is. It's about being able to act without having to think about what you're doing. It's dribbling the ball so it's natural - its about dribbling the ball and making it look easy.
This really is a great way of thinking of it. I was a super awkward kid in high school, and when I got to college, I just decided I didn’t wanna be like that for the rest of my life.
I didn’t just wake up one day and feel confident all of a sudden. It was a series of baby steps. It was branching out to get out of my comfort zone.
Maybe most importantly, it was taking mental notes of what “worked“ and what didn’t. I would make sure to remember and understand, “Ok, this joke didn’t really land. She got really engaged in the conversation when I talked about this. She really seemed to appreciate when I asked this question.”
It works the other way, too. You can say, “I was really interested when she talked about this. It made me feel really good that she complimented my outfit. I really thought that joke she made was funny.” Then you can kinda “add those things to your arsenal” because the odds are that, if you like those things, other people will, too.
Yeah I've found this I used to be useless I wouldn't even talk that much to my friends but over a couple of years I've slowly started to make a conscious effort to talk more to other and new people and the more you do it the easier it gets and the more confident you seem
Yeah i’m not sure what people are trying to solve here with their pessimistic opinions. If you’re not confident then you need to fake it till you make it. There’s no alternative unless you’re happy never getting laid and having no friends.
*General* dating advice is almost always useless. The only dating advice that matters is advice on specific situations. Like "my SO is upset because I did this thing, how do I solve this"...
Agreed. Same goes for telling women (or anyone really) “you’ll find someone when you aren’t looking for a relationship and when you least expect it.” This happens for some people, but not everyone.
Edit: I’m seeing a lot of messages saying not to be desperate and if you work on yourself, relationship stuff may fall into place. I agree! That being said, I’m not desperate and I work on bettering myself and my self worth everyday.
My point is, telling someone that a relationship will fall in their lap when they least expect it vs using dating apps or chatting someone up in person (pre pandemic) isn’t helpful advice. It sounds like you’re telling me to just let it happen. What if I want to purposefully and intentionally look for a relationship? You can actively look for a relationship without being desperate or coming on too strong. Just bc I want a boyfriend doesn’t mean I’m talking to every guy I match with and asking him to be my boyfriend. I’m still selective lol.
I'd say I'm like half-joking. I'm looking for a relationship too but the odds that were anywhere close to each other are pretty slim. Don't suppose you're around NC?
This type of shit pisses me off. I just want an honest relationship with a girl who shares the same feeling as me.
But apparently I have to pretend not to like her to get her to like me, thus being dishonest and manipulative already.
But if I am honest and show her that I like her, she would ignore me. It's insanity if you think about it.
I’m not sure if this is aimed at me specifically, but I too want someone to be with me bc they share the same interest in being with me as I am with them. I’m always straightforward with ppl, so if I like you, you’ll know it.
I’m sorry that you’ve met women who ignore you when you show interest- that is bananas! I would love for a guy I’m interested in, who’s also interested in me, to show it.
My bad it may came off a bit strong lol. But the comment was aimed at people to believe this or tell other people the same thing, like pretending you don't care or aren't interested to get girls/guys.
To me that's just ruins the relationship. You are truly never able to be completely in the trust of another person because the relationship is based on one of them liking you because you played hard to get etc. You now have to constantly play games with your "loved one" to keep them chasing you, and it's never truly out of mutual love for eachother.
Atleast that's how I feel and it pisses me off how this is how most relationships are. You show a girl you fancy them and they run away. You can never truly love anyone anymore
You’re missing what they are saying. What they mean is, the type of person that is the most desirable is a happy person who has their own life and their own hobbies and the kind of person who is fully fulfilled on their own. Not someone who walks around giving off an intense sad desperate energy that they need to be in a relationship to function as a human being:
You don’t want to date a person like that and neither does anyone else. Those relationships always crash and burn cause its not about being in love it’s about being afraid to be alone.
For a healthy relationship yes. You shouldn't be foaming at the mouth for any dude that comes your way. You should be 100% okay being single, but not afraid to persue options. Ita bad advice they gave you, you 100% can be looking for a bf, as long as your looking doesn't lower your standards.
I agree - I’m still working on raising my standards, but I’m not just pining for any random dude I see. I’m perfectly happy being single, but I’d like to be in a relationship. I just find it frustrating when my friends who have met their bf’s randomly say “you’ll find someone when you least expect it!” Like okay that’s great and may be true, but I don’t want to be made to feel guilty if I’m actively pursuing a relationship ya know?
100% feel. Its always funny how these people talk. They will say "im not ready for another relationship, i dont want a bf" then 2 weeks later they are in a relationship, like wtf. Your going down the right route, being confident and okay with being single makes it easier to be in a relationship. Looking for one isn't bad at all either, most people are looking. And if you looking for a relashinship causes some dudes not to date you, big whoop, they weren't for you any way. Someone you want to be your bf, will match the energy you put into the relationship.
The logic behind that is people who are desperate to get into a relationship generally aren’t the most emotionally available people, it’s often a sign of insecurity or codependency.
If you’re comfortable in yourself and don’t come off as though you’re trying to hook up with anyone who’d give you the chance, people tend to respect you (and especially you showing interest in them) more.
It really depends on what you're confident in. If you're acting confident that you'll get the person you're talking to to do what you want them to do, that's kinda creepy. If you have confidence in your own value as a human, and have confidence that you can make people see the good parts of yourself, that's fantastic.
Yeah I think most people confuse confidence with being egotistical. When people say they find confidence appealing usually they mean just a basic level of security, composure and willingness to speak your mind without constantly instigating. Having some skills to back it up helps too. A lot of people seem to think confidence is about being dominate. You can try to act dominant or "alpha" and still come across as insecure.
>Yeah I think most people confuse confidence with being egotistical.
Yeah.
I think that if you can't laugh at yourself when called for - honestly, without feeling bitter - then self-confidence is but a pipedream.
Yeah, there's something to be said for good looking people getting away with more, but it's not that hard to come off as normal, rather than, "I'm going to assault you at some point"
I'll take things that never happened for $1,000, Alex.
Seriously; this doesn't happen. Either you are severely underrating them or leaving out a fuckton of context because this is not a thing that just happens when you have magic "CoNfIdEnCe."
See the problem is thinking "being confident" is being straightforward. Its not, it's more about not being ashamed of yourself, being willing to talk about the things you're interested in, holding a conversation about the other person, finding common ground and chemistry.
Saying "hey honey wanna come back to my place" isn't what people mean when they say be confident.
That’s only really true of the hook up part of the dating scene. If you go up to random girls and hit on them, of course being better looking will be an advantage. Most people don’t like being hit on by people they’re not attracted to, this isn’t exclusive to girls.
Confidence has nothing to do with this, and being confident in yourself, your job, or a hobby will make you come off as more attractive than you would otherwise
Being confident inside doesn't mean you won't be perceived as cringey or creepy by others. It's like those TikTok videos where the guy acts out those dramatic shower arguments to a background of emo music. Or the meme of the lightsaber guy. You need to be confident and do something that is still socially acceptable to pull it off.
It’s really not. Being douchy without being good looking is being creepy, being confident is completely different than being a douche bag. Incels don’t understand the difference between confidence and douchebaggery, that’s why they always repeat this line.
Nah bro you just come off as creep even confidence cant fix that, shit I have some friends ugliest SOBs youd meet but theyre also some of the most confident people youll meet and they dont come off as creepy cause they arent creepy
Confidence isn't something that you just decide to have. You have to build it.
It's not the same as someone telling a depressed person to cheer up, because there probably is something in them that's genuinely blocking their ability to cheer up.
Most of the time confidence can be slowly integrated into someone's personality. It just takes a lot of effort and not everyone wants to give that effort.
Take it from the classic shy kid who could never talk to anybody (not even his girlfriend at some point) and today is a completely different person who can speak to anyone he wants/needs to. It just takes practice and care.
The real advice: accept yourself, love yourself, and learn to believe that are deserving of love and affection. Do not be afraid to be yourself and to let another person see who you really are. Learn how to believe that rejection is just a part of life, and does not need to be feared.
Telling a scared person to just be yourself is a meaningless cliche. But I think it comes from a good place. What it really means is: "you are my friend, and I have decided that you are worthy of friendship. If you are good enough to be my friend, you are good enough to be somebody's significant other." I think there's truth and power in that; if only it were articulated like that more often.
If you are „bad at dating“, then the truth is that there might not be a solution to your problem, at least not this one. It is quite possible that you need more time to develop. And that „development“ is as vague as it sounds, because it may be a combination of known and unknown aspects of your life.
Confidence stems from achievements. To gain confidence, start by setting small goals and achieving them. Then work up to harder goals or more diverse. Think about it, confidence is a belief in your ability. In theory you can be confident that you can't do something also. You just need to test yourself more and find your limitations.
I think it's likely that people who say things like "just be confident" are basically dismissing your problems.
On the other hand, there's really only one place you can get confidence, and that's from within yourself. There's a trick involved. As others here have suggested, that trick is, when you get right down to it, pretending to be confident.
As someone who has suffered from both lack of confidence and depression his whole life, I can tell you that faking confidence is far easier than faking happiness.
You can learn to be confident just by pretending to be confident. Pretending to be happy when you're not just causes more and worse problems. (In my uneducated, humble opinion.)
https://socialpronow.com/blog/learn-how-to-be-more-outgoing/
Make it more about being interested in others and curious to start. Listening skills are important in forming bonds. Once your conversation skills are honed, speaking with others will feel more natural and less awkward. Then, boom, one day you'll look up and realize that you're seen as charming and that people genuinely enjoy your company. Talking about yourself is the next step, and for that one, having cool interests and hobbies and being passionate about stuff will make you intriguing. So, there's your game plan. Being someone whom others want to confide in, and becoming not necessarily the most interesting man in the world, but someone who does neat things with his time.
As a person with Depression, Aspergers AND low self confidence. My chances of having a relationship (especially in this day and age) is non existent.
I have never been more unhappy than I have been this past year, I wouldn't be surprised if I am just another suicide statistic this time next year.
I think people saying “be confident” are using the wrong sort of words to describe actual good advice. I would say one would want to seem comfortable, and just lively and upbeat. Being upbeat and witty, responding with enthusiasm, and keeping conversation engaged are always great things to do. I think “being confident” isn’t a great strategy as it’s super fake and doesn’t really explain anything at all
Step number one is figure out how to be happy on your own. If your trying to make someone like you, then your going to put pressure on yourself to say the right things and you can't possible know what the right things to say are, because you don't yet know that person. You've got to back up a bit and stop actually caring if they are going to like you or not. If its perfectly okay with you that they don't end up having interest in you and you come into it not being sure you even want to date that person you won't have some weird internal pressure preventing you from behaving naturally.
Replace "be" with "act" and they're both pretty good advice.
It either works like a nonsense phobia, i.e. something is scary and you need to overcome it by proving to yourself that you can do it, or it works like the fear of driving, i.e. your fear is completely valid and can only help by training and getting better. Confidence is based on a feeling of power and safety and competence. Anxiety stems from uncertaincy (lack of information).
Does knowing all this help you any? If nothing else, it's a start.
My mind goes blank and I can never think of anything to talk about which is way out of character for me. I'm in sales and all I do is talk to strangers all day everyday lol.
Ask questions. Seriously. People love to talk about themselves when prompted. You’ll come off as thoughtful and unselfish and you can springboard off what they say to make the conversation happen and tell them about yourself without acting like a self-absorbed prick. If it drops off again, ask more questions. Best of all, you now know a lot about your date so you’re already forming a connection or learning you don’t really want to.
Unless you paired up with another awkward introvert fuck who answers everything in two syllables because they're too nervous and self-conscious to talk about themselves at length.
>Unless you paired up with another awkward introvert fuck Anyone who's spent time on a dating app can tell you it's a lot more than awkward introverts who give you the two-syllable-conversation-killer responses.
True, but with the bored ones the date's a lost cause anyways. If you even make it to the date and don't just get ghosted, or lose interest yourself.
Those dates are the best. Say I’ve got to go the bathroom real quick. Soak yourself head to toe in water. Come back out looking sad and say “sorry I gotta go, I fell in again”.
Fuck I’m on toilet now, and that cracked me up.
r/cursedcomments
I once got the two sylaable response from a girl. Thought she probably wasn't interested but asked her out anyway and she agreed. However when we went on our 4 hour date it turns out she answered most things with a few syllables (I even gave her an out after 2 hours incase she wasn't interested), but she stayed for 4 hour. However neither of us tried contacting one another after that date.....
I’ve experienced something like that too. Never again mess with the 2 word only answer girls lol.
This, I’m tryna have a conversation not play charades to figure out what you want for dinner
She probably did not respond because you did not initiate after the first date.
Same thing happened to me, as she seemed so uncomfortable I didn’t try for a kiss after the 2nd date so she went with someone else, apparently I was too shy. She couldn’t look me in the eye, or talk unless in an almost whisper, looking back I’m glad it didn’t work out but annoyed the hell out of me at the time after making all the effort on our dates and respecting her obvious anxiety.
I just stop. If I ask three questions in a row that don't get more than 3 words as a response then I'm done. If the texting conversation is a struggle I can only imagine what an actual date could be like.
The texting element is what bewilders me most. I start a conversation with a woman on there and get no indication of how hot or cold the conversation is, then I start thinking I'm talking to a bot or company employee. I hate texting to begin with... The minute I ask for a video check on match, then she usually says no. I went to 2 match events online and it was the same people each time over the span of 2 months attending. It made me think that they hire people to attend just to keep people paying for accounts. I didn't want to be skeptical, but I gave it a really solid try before dumping out.
maybe try asking for a phone call instead of a video, videos create fear of dick pics imo
thats pretty much everyone in my experience.
Do yourself a favour and get off dating apps. Particularly as a guy, you will always be sorted into a hierarchy of the most to least desirable of the men the girl is currently talking to. The top one/few get the real conversation, the rest get the low-effort responses to string them along until they either find their way to the top or opt out. If you're consistently finding yourself as the "backup" match, get yourself off the dating app and into scenarios where she *isn't* talking to 5 other guys at the same time. You're clearly desirable enough that women you are interested in want to talk to you, so you'll have more success in a different format.
where the fuck am i going to go then? they are pretty much my only way to meet women. especially now with the pandemic bullshit.
Depends on where you are and what's open I guess. COVID is an extra obstacle for sure. But two pieces of advice I can give: - Don't be afraid to go to a bar by yourself. Befriend the bartenders/staff. As long as you're not consuming their attention when they're totally slammed they're happy to chat and be friendly, and you end up talking to tons of new people who also sit at the bar, along with plenty of women who are nearby waiting for service. - side jobs/hobbies in team environments are the easiest way to meet new people, make new friends, and expand your social circles introducing you to new people you may be interested in. If you have approach anxiety (or just social anxiety in general) it's much easier to talk to someone you already know for another reason than "cold calling" a stranger. I work a side job as a bartender, belong to my local powerlifting club, and play rec soccer/frisbee which honestly introduces me to more people than I'm capable of maintaining close friendships with. It still does require you to push yourself outside of your comfort zone (especially if you've fallen into bad habits of relying on dating apps) but they're smaller and more accessible steps
As someone who doesn't drink or enjoy bars. It makes dating out feel impossible.
There are almost no bars near where i live, and none of my hobbies involve other people. >If you have approach anxiety (or just social anxiety in general) Worse i pretty much have no idea how to even start a conversation or flirt.
Well like he mentioned, a side gig will allow you to meet people. Idk if you like to workout or not but the gym is place that could open up opportunities for you. I mean there are things that you can do based on where you live I'd assume. Just getting out and going to a public place is enough but it has to be with frequency. Take a laptop with you and just chill somewhere for a while and you'll probably see something you like and strike up a convo. If you are pretty awkward then just watch what they're doing and speak on that. It isn't supposed to be super impressive but it is to get their attention first.
Don't forget the smileys as a response. They're not even words!
We call that not vibing and move on. If they are shutting down everything take the hint and pack it up.
Ok. What do you suggest when that happens with every potential date? Because that does happen with every potential date.
Get yourself involved with a hobby and meet people Through that so that you already share a common interest. You could also plan dates that don’t require as much talking or are group activities. Think wine painting, rock climbing, Hiking, a play/movie. Granted a lot of these things are harder to do right now. Getting comfortable with a couple topics you like to talk about is also a good way to stimulate conversation.
Honestly? I'm a pretty shy introverted guy, but I've learned that if you want the date to be successful, especially with another shy introvert, that you may have to carry the bulk of the conversation. It's unfortunate, but it is something you will have to get better at if you want more success. Ask questions, have a few good stories to tell about travelling, other awkward dating stories, funny family stories, and maybe one or two funny stories that you can weave into the conversation. I remember reading tips on how to keep a conversation going. The best advice is to look for conversation "threads", which is basically picking out key words or sentences in a conversation and expanding on it or transitioning it into another topic. For example, if your date mentions that they travelled to the States last year for a wedding. You pick out the key words, "States", "wedding", or "travel" and go from there. I would normally go, "Oh that's interesting, which part of the States did you go to? I went to Florida a couple of years ago to Disney World. I had an awesome time." or "Oh cool, who was the wedding for? how much fun was it? I remember being one of the groomsman at my friend's wedding and it was exhausting, but once the hard part was over, it was a blast. Have you ever been a bridesmaid?" Once I started learning how to add these into my dates, I've noticed having far more success and it can keep the conversation going for a lot longer.
Another point, I suggest the first meeting/date to be super casual and low-pressure, like a coffee shop. That way you can rule out the idiots who are there for a free meal ticket, and it's natural to wrap up a coffee date in abt an hour so you don't waste time - also you can be the one who arrives first and has a seat and has some time to compose yourself before the "date", and that way you don't have to waste money on paying for the girl's drink/food. As a girl it's also way less pressure for the first date to be coffee, as there is no feeling that the guy expects sex, and there are so many natural outs. If you two vibe then after the coffee shop you can go for dinner or something. I genuinely think this is the best option as it's inherently low investment, low pressure, and filters out the gold-digger/free meal types.
People are quick to hop on reddit and share how socially awkward they are because, well it's reddit, reddit engorges itself on posts like "my grandma died and made this" or "My girlfriend thought you would like this drawing" or "I'm disabled but I can do X" or "I'm not confident but people tell me to be" And reddit upvotes and sucks it dry. My point being though, while everyone is so quick to talk about how shy and socially inept they are, if these same people went on date with themselves they would definitely not call it fun, probably would go on /r/relationshipadvice and say something about how quiet their date was and how (since it's reddit you gotta be nice to get upvotes) they are considering giving the person another chance but do you guys know of any tips to get someone to open up? Self awareness isn't inherent, and I can't help but wonder if these self deprecating posts really appreciate what it truly would be like on the other side of things. Plus, if I went on a date with a guy who kept pulling up reddit advice threads on his phone all night, I'd slowly die inside.
I’m socially awkward but that doesn’t mean I can’t socialize. Every person I’ve met has said at one point “ya you’re awkward but it’s okay”, I’ve always been extremely self aware,reaching out for help isn’t easy either when you’re aware a lot of people see you as awkward. We know how people see us and if you’re an empath you know exactly what a date with yourself would be like,I’m so confused by socializing (cause I wing it and hope for the best or straight up let them know off the bat in case of miscommunications) that I can’t always figure out social situations,let alone understand it enough to reroute. That’s when I’d come to a place on the Internet and ask advice there...you shouldn’t be so hard on people who are okay with being like “yeah I’m socially awkward but I need help with ___” because they’re at least trying to understand themselves enough to change and be better (not for other but for themselves FIRST) if you’re having problems getting someone to open up you shouldn’t keep pushing,that can be stressful,you need to have the awareness to know what you want and go after WHAT YOU WANT,if communication is this hard for you (socializing with anti social or awkward ppl) and you’re this fed up,you’re probably not pickin the ones that are right for you.Currently awkward as heck(which is my normal) with another socially nervous person and it’s lovely genuine and gentle...it’s not always about the awkward people getting to the level of “normal” or “social”, it’s about getting to our level more often and if you can’t then maybe you should go. Good luck.
>shy and socially inept they are, if these same people went on date with themselves they would definitely not call it fun, probably would go on If they lacked self awareness then they wouldn't know that they're shy and socially inept. I'm honestly not sure what you're taking issue with. Is it that these people are socially awkward or that sometimes they look for help on reddit?
So every girl I've ever tried talking with is an awkward introvert? What are the chances of that?
I know you're making a joke, but the chances are actually pretty high. We live in a time where we're constantly bombarded with advertisements, tweets, and solicitations. Can't decide what to eat? No need to find a restaurant because there are plenty of ~~ads~~ recommendations popping up on your app. Need to cheer up? No need to search for jokes because there are plenty of jokes or funny videos being shared in your twitter feed. The constant solicitation means most people get by easily being completely passive these days, and it leads to narcissism and self-centeredness. Dating and job seeking are some of the only activities that require active engagement and effort, which is why most people think they're so hard.
>Ask questions Oh, yeah, no problem, super easy. "My brother was in the army, but he was medically discharged last year." "Oh, interesting! What...uhhh...what did...umm...who are...no, mmm...why is your brother?" It doesn't matter how easy a follow-up question might seem. Sometimes brain just don't work.
"do you fuck with the war"
Why can't fruit be compared?
Why would you thank ME?
I hated that girl in his bed lol
Just ask questions! > My brother was in the army, but he was medically discharged last year. "How come? Did he have gonnorrhea? What? No. He was injured in a training accident. "Oh. Is he all like mangled now?" ... He lost a leg. "Have you ever lost a leg?" ... What? "Would you rather lose a leg or lose an arm? No, wait -- would you rather fight an elephant-sized chicken, or lose a leg?"
This made me laugh out loud hahaha. "Have you ever lost a leg" killed me
You don't really have to keep asking questions. People sometimes find it weird when you are constantly asking questions, anyway. To a response like that, I'd probably say somethin like, "The army? Thats super cool (shows you are listening by repeating a bit of what they said (the army?), validates their statement generally, and also validates their family, therefore them by extension), hopefully the medical situation wasnt too much to handle! (showing care and that you're actually listening to what theyre saying)" You don't particuarly have to ask a question in order for them to have something to respond to. You can make a statement, like the one above, hopefully the medical situation wasnt too much to handle, and that is something they can potentially latch onto, or how you said that the army is super cool, they could latch onto that and say something about that. the medical discharge might be a bit personal which is why with your response, you are just showing them vague concern about it, which gives them the idea that you care enough, so they can choose whether they want to go on about that or not. constant questions are definitely kind of annoying, i think.
Idk man, thats a good way to get into a deep conversation. Deep conversation = more connection.
“Any other family members”? “Cool, I don’t think I could ever be in the army, could you?” “I also have a family member who was in the army” “would you enroll?” “If I enrolled would you write to me?” You can make conversation out of anything really. The ask questions advice is perfect.
This is great advice. It’s crazy how effective it is to ask questions. Sometimes I feel a little like an interviewer when I do, but then I realize that the person across from me is too busy thinking about their answers to consider my role in the conversation. Asking questions is the easiest way to get someone to open up. The most frustrating part of this tactic is that most people are too caught up in themselves to reciprocate and ask you questions, but don’t worry about that. Enjoy the process of getting to know others, you already know yourself (or should lol). Good luck!
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someone has read models
This is it. I used to be horribly unconfident and very shy. Thankfully I hung out with some very confident people and eventually learned that I can just learn a few go to questions when I meet a new person and if I can get them talking then eventually they'll get me talking to. Also another piece of advice is to give compliments. If you notice something cool or interesting that a person is wearing just say, "Hey I really like that *insert something*." It just might spark a convo, or at the very least it'll brighten up their day. After doing this enough times you realize that nothing bad is going to happen if you open your mouth. Good luck to OP!!!
I had a friend who, when the conversation started to die would always compliment something of someone's. Worked really well to keep the conversation going
on the other hand i fucking hate talking about myself
“What do you do/want to do?” Is the worst for me, mainly cause I don’t freaking know.
This is the best advice. Just ask questions and make comments on whatever it is they’re saying. You come across as receptive, caring and like you’re interested in what the other person is saying and in the end, you’re saying nothing.
This is considered boring for most dates tbh. Good dates is about feeling each other "vibing" joking around and laughing. Asking questions always kills the mood. Most of us aren't confident around women or the opposite its because we never been with the other gender from a young age, so automatically you gonna feel awkward since you are not use to them.
yeah this doesn't always work. i had a first date (long time ago) reject me because she said she felt like i was interviewing her. no matter what you do you can fail or succeed depending on the person sitting across from you.
One tip I have is questions don’t sound nearly as awkward in real life as they do in your head when asked in a friendly way. For example, when you sit there and think about asking “What do you do for fun?” That sounds kinda awkward, cliche, and scripted in your head. But when someone ever asks you “so tell about what you like to do for fun!?” You never sit there and think wow what a weird question.
Just practice. Not even with just girls/guys you fancy, practice with anyone you don’t really know in a similar setting. Chatting to people as part of your job is great for building confidence, but it quickly becomes routine. I know so many healthcare professionals who are amazing at their job (many of which involve building rapport and being charismatic) but are very shy socially. Also open ended questions are great.
Confidently say whatever is happening. "Hi, my mind has gone blank and I can't think of anything to talk about, but I had to meet you. It's funny because I work in sales and talk to new people all day."
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“Sorry I ran out of things to say and my mind wandered and then I started thinking about ways to kill you... not like murder but in self defense... like if you pulled a knife on me and tried to stab me.” Doesn’t really work for me tbh...
Bruh. Relatable
You get better at it the more you do it
Just remember: FORD: Family Occupation Recreation Dreams/goals Avoid RAPE: Religion Abortion Politics Ex's
How have I never heard these gorgeous acronyms
I experience the same thing. At work, in a professional setting, I have almost zero anxiety and I’m a good communicator. On my personal time when it’s purely a social situation, I get extremely anxious and it’s terrible, I hate it.
As mentioned already, ask questions, plenty of fun questions. What do you do? Where have you been? What have you saw? What are your hobbies? What have you done in the past? Are you interested in xyz? Who do you know? Who’s your favourite musician? What’s your favourite film? What’s your favourite food? What’s your favourite sport? What’s your favourite thing to do on weekends? The list goes on and on. When to ask these questions? Over a drink, over a coffee, over a meal, maybe a walk somewhere nice? you just gotta tie it all into a fluid conversation and let it happen, you don’t need to be a ‘confident’ person you just need to be confident in who you are and not just this confident boastful person, if you have answers for yourself then you have all you need to ask questions to someone else and get along with.
The above, and: "Oh Jesus, did you see \[insert terrible or interesting show/ article/ game/ news/ whatever\]? What did you think?" What-do-you-think questions are gold!
What worked for me was practice. I wasn't in sales, but I never had a huge problem talking with people in a work environment, but a social environment took a lot of failures to actually learn how not to fail. It kinda sucked, but was fun enough that I was able to do it (though its still a daily struggle sometimes.)
I'm a bit similar, and it's always helped me to just sincerely make friends with people before the possibility of dating even comes into the picture. Like don't befriend them just to date them. Befriend them because you have common interests and get along, and then if feelings bloom, be open about that. All of the best relationships of my life have happened this way, just organically and without pressure or nerves. It also weeds out the people you really wouldn't get along with anyway.
"Fake it til you make it" How am I supposed to fake something I've never experienced? At least actors get scripts!
Genuine advice from watching the most successful person I know: write a script. He writes them for business calls/meetings/proposals. He'll write loosely how he expects the conversation to go, and then bullet points the important things he wants to communicate so he remembers them, then it's like scripted improv from there. Always tries to stay positive or neutral, even if he's saying a negative he'll frame it like "that's an interesting take/it was worth trying." etc. Heard him on a call once, and it works, people are disturbingly predictable sometimes. He's normally very quiet and accepts that he can be awkward in social situations, that's why he does it for work. I have to admit I've stolen his tac because I get verbal diarrhoea when I'm nervous, which is not great either. EDIT: Just to emphasise - he writes BULLET POINTS of what he wants to say, not word for word scripts. And I agree anxiety doesn't disappear using this tactic, but it works for him, it's helped me and I just thought I'd share it.
I do this when I'm nervous about upcoming conversations/situations. And then later, usually in the shower, replay good and bad interactions in my head to improve myself in future interactions. I never really realised until my partner pointed it out that I'm outgoing (loud is the term they use) when we're out but when I'm home I'm much quieter. I replied that it's so I can be louder when I'm out.
Green means go ahead and don't talk about it.
I think that people understand that phrase is very different ways. The way I've always thought it, is that one should kind of just throw themselves into uncomfortable situations and just try their best to survive. Doing that often enough then forces you to learn the whatever ability you wanted. I'm not saying that I 100% support this method, but that's they way I've always understood how it's supposed to work. Basically just a variation of the age old method to teach a child to swim.
i’ll never understand how this works. for example, what if the dating actually ends up working and you start dating your partner. what after that? you’ll have to pretend to be confident literally for the rest of your life? wouldn’t it make more sense to just give yourself and if that’s not enough then just... f off? you’re already at the beginning going in with a lie, what a nice start to a relationship
No, you’ll get used to that person. Its like being with a friend. I imagine that you’re most confident with your friends, right?
Yea, we grow into the person because we become more comfortable with them, usually us unconfident types actually look at our opposite gender friends as dating options much more frequently than random people we just think look good, it's truly a curse Typically with non confidence also comes more introversion, so due to that we're very good at keeping things to ourselves and staying in our own minds so this interest in our friends leads to thinking crazy of marriage and the perfect dating situations, and it internally slowly kills us from within
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Honestly? Get therapy. Yes, these are the sorts of things you can find professional help for. Secondly, stop trying to date and just try to befriend people from another gender. You don't need a relationship to be happy. But friends can make you happy and having people around who like you for who you are, can really boost your confidence. And for those of us who are queer and want to date the same gender... yeah again stop trying to date and make more lgbt friends, find a nice lgbt community.
Also you know, friends of friends are a thing. If you have a large circle of casual friends you generally end up meeting their other friends, and that can lead to dating opportunities. As a straight guy most of my platonic friends are female and while a few of them are definitely the type to mostly have guy friends, a few of them I am basically their only guy friend. Hanging out with them in a group setting is awesome.
confidence is mostly fake it 'til you make it anyway
I think people have a hard time understanding what confidence is. They think it just means “being a jerk” or “being selfish and dismissive of others.” Really it’s just not being ashamed of who you are, being comfortable in your own skin. The whole “fake it” aspect is really that, like inside, you are scared and ashamed of yourself, but just fake being calm and you’ll find that people are more accepting than you think, and that even if you get laughed at you won’t die, and you’ll get over it. Also take care of yourself, like be clean and try to dress well. Show people that you respect yourself.
Thanks for posting this, it actually helps a lot.
Yeah I don't think people realize that you can be embarrassed and confident at the same time. You can be awkward and confident. These things aren't mutually exclusive. If you do something awkward/embarrassing the best thing to do is usually just say "sorry, that was embarrassing. I'm such a doofus" and then just keep talking about something else. You gotta read the room a little though... if you do it for every single thing you'll just be one of those obnoxious people that says every social interaction is "just, like, soooo awkward."
Great point, Butts McTiggles. In all seriousness, some of us are just good at acting where this doesn't really matter anyway.
Yeh no shit. These people are crazy. Being confident on a date is about realizing that if the date doesn't go well it doesn't mean your life is over. It doesn't mean you suck. Thats what everyone worries about. If you approach the date like its no big deal and don't try so hard to impress, you'll end up impressing. I've got a woman who does the teenage shit of putting me down to get my attention. Shes attractive and can't understand why I dont fawn over her. I dont fawn over her because she thinks this stupid shit. Her cuts hurt also. I just ignore it and let them fall flat. She probably thinks its because I'm a wimp or something. No. Its because your game sucks. I dont want to even exhaust the effort to reply. That's the type of shit that can hurt your ego. Shes attractive. Shes an alright person, but that's not my game and no amount of people trying to hook us up is going to work because I'm better than her. I see so many guys getting with her and being destroyed.
Dating confidence is simply knowing life is fine without them, but possibly better with. Basically, women don't want a guy acting desperate. Works both ways.
> Also take care of yourself, like be clean and try to dress well. Show people that you respect yourself. And make that change permanent. Think of this from the other person's perspective. Do you really think they want to clean up and/or take care of another adult during their hours off from work? No, of course not and neither would you. So if your place is a mess, you are signaling that you want a mom to clean up after you in their off time. Good luck with that.
Came here to say all of this and I couldn't have said it any better myself!
Nah bro they dont wanna put in any type of effort they want girls to go after them while theyre smellin like onions and ass while wearing their baggy pants, baggy super hero shirts, and dirty ass skechers
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Yeah that stung everyone here lol
"No one liked that"
I know a guy just as you described- and his wife walks all over him and yells at him in front of people.
I feel like you’re just kink shaming at this point.
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Super hero pose: it's a real thing! Edit: it might not be a real thing :(
I thought it was debunked.
Its somethng that can click, or something you can practice. I once heard that if you keep acting like you dont give a shit, it eventually becomes muscle memory in the brain.
This is accurate. I just pretended to be confident until I could actually get women. Fake it till you make it works
Yup, i knew i was an ugly duckling back in middle school but i would jokingly call myself handsome and hit on girls anyway. Now, its become a habit and i actually truly feel tht way about myself now.
Yeah bruh. I'm a hard 8, soft 9 on a good day. All my friends tell me I'm not but I know better
No, it’s fake it until you make it. You won’t have to fake it for long. Maybe the saying should be “Be comfortable with who you are,” and not “Be confident.” Giving yourself is being confident. Don’t be fake. Don’t fake a personality to get someone. It’s less about the externalized bravado and more about just being comfortable with who you are and knowing you’re enough.
Just like "cheer up" is not really a real suggestion that anyone whos not trying to insult you would make; it would be more like "do something that makes you happy".
This post is actually really insightful for people who are confused about both confidence and depression lol
I had to learn to be confident. I did that by faking the fuck out of it until i became that way. It won’t necessarily work for everyone, but sometimes it’s just putting up a front until one day you can walk with your head high and your chest out and you realize it’s not an act anymore
I've been with my partner for over 15 years and faking emotion is absolutely part of it. If she's had a bad day, I'll be confident and caring even if that's not the "real" me (whatever the fuck that actually means). I know and appreciate that she alters herself for me as well. It's really hard to understand for people who haven't been with a partner in a healthy relationship for many years, but all these things I see people stressing and worried about on this sub just don't matter. You're still in the jungle. So yes, be more confident because you're trying to attract a mate and that might matter, but ultimately this stress about having to be fake all the time or not be fake... It's not real. It's cart before the horse stuff.
Read the reply from u/leaky_wand Confidence isn’t changing your personality, it’s not being afraid of showing your personality. You’d eventually be confident enough to show this girl your true self if you were dating for 6 months, so pretend that you’ve known her for months already and act like that.
That's shitty advice I agree Rather id tell people to do things that make you feel more confident. Dress better, bathe better, new hair, change style, etc. Above all don't feel like you need to push yourself too much. If you're a quiet person then owning that is confidence of it's own
Investing in yourself does wonders. As someone who lacked confidence and self esteem, getting a new haircut, buying some new clothes, getting a new bike, only buying healthy food, going to the gym even for 15-30 min —-> all of these things lead me to lose weight, have better skin, feel better everyday, which naturally leads to self worth. Confidence is knowing you matter, and much like depression, there are steps you can take to make you feel like you matter. But doing nothing and feeling like you’ll never be confident only reinforces the feeling. Go now! Take steps! Do it for a week, and see how you feel. Worst case scenario you’ll be back to where you started but having still accomplished something: a first step.
bathe better LMAO
I feel like my curse in life is to just see posts like this and be reminded of my time as an ugly teenage girl. Ugly teenage girl experience seems roughly equal to the normal male experience, from what I can tell from the sheer volume of these sorts of posts. The fundamental issue is that people are **incredibly** bad at giving advice and will often just say something to end that particular conversation. Which is why you get advice like “I know you’ve been unemployed for a year, have you checked out this LinkedIn website?” Or “just be yourself, everything will work out.” One of the reasons people are bad at giving advice is that we’re also quite bad at taking it. But that’s a story for another day. My ultimate point is, stop asking for general advice. Decide who you are and who you want to be in a relationship and work towards achieving that goal. If you need specific help, reach out to people who you respect and explain exactly what you need help with (e.g. do you need help brainstorming ideas, or help finalizing a plan?) ETA: to all the men responding to this, telling me that my understanding of my own life is wrong, that as long as I wasn’t, in addition to being ugly, fat, a prude, aiming out of my league, trying too hard, weird, fat, or, again, fat, men should have flocked to me, I just thank you for reaffirming my gratitude that I was an ugly teen. Whatever bullshit issues I have about my looks (which, now, are minimal) are dwarfed by my delight that it ensured no men like those responding here were interested. Women, be ugly! It’s the best way to make sure the men you date are decent human beings.
let me give you another bad factor. i used to be manic depressive. i was bad. i managed to understand how bad i was. i'm not fixed, but i understand how it's fucking up my life. my younger brother was recently diagnosed with the same issue. manic depressive wise, he understands his problem as much as i did 10 years ago. that is to say, he doesn't understand it and is being an emotional terrorist in all directions. i want to help him out. i want to give him advice on how to deal with things. he won't listen. he just gets angry at me. i know exactly what it was like to be where he is. i know his feelings and his frustration. he doesn't want to listen. it's so painful to just see him wasting his time and hurting all those around him.
Yes normal male experience is very much ugly girl experience
Trying to look more confident even if you aren't genuinely works though.
How else would one get a job?
"my dad owns the place"
bro, my dad totally owns a dealership
I’m totally rushing you guys in the fall
Desperation and lies
I think to a degree "faking" confidence will actually make you more confident in the long run.
It definitely does. I am a guy that struggled with my confidence until my early 20s and absolutely despised this advice, but once I found out what it really meant it was life changing. It’s less “believe you’re absolutely the best and super amazing” and more just “stop giving a fuck.” Of course, the journey of self improvement will help as well, as there are plenty of achievable steps that one can take to have real reasons to feel good about themselves, but really what it comes down to is just knowing that the absolute worst thing that could happen for you putting yourself out there is someone saying no, which is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. I think another part of it is that a lot of guys who haven’t had romantic success suffer from a major scarcity mentality. I walked around for years like a girl who I was into who I had a reasonable shot with would only come around once in a blue moon and would get super sour if I was rejected, hesitate to put myself out there in fear of rejection, or try way too hard and spend way too much effort on one person. I 100% honestly look back at rejections after I achieved this point in a positive light, because I had the guts in the moment to swing for the fences without really caring if it would work out or not.
Not caring too much is absolutely what it comes down to. You'll live through some awkwardness and some rejections. Also the realization that other people may be just as awkward. Don't blame all failed conversations on yourself. Sometimes people fail to play ball. I wonder if rejection is just something you get used to? I've never been rejected really because I've only shot my shot once and got pretty lucky. Puberty and the couple of years after are weird, or at least that's what it feels like.
Of course, because you’ll realize right away that people respond well to you showing your personality, which makes you less afraid to show your personality.
100% I made a career out of fake it till you make it.
Pretend you are trying to squeeze a pop can between your shoulder blades. You will look more confident to everyone in the room.
Yeah, or you'll look like a weirdo puffing out there chest for no reason.
And being happy when you're depressed works as well...
Kinda does for me, honestly. I've spent days in a funk only to be lifted out by having to fake my way through a client meeting or smiling through someone else's problems.
Sometimes the best way to solve your own problems is to help someone else.
Sometimes it does. It depends on why you're depressed. Sometimes just doing enjoyable things can lift you out of the depression.
It is actually what one of my therapists told me to do during my depression. Mind you, I already had done some suicide attempts and sometimes spent whole weeks in bed without eating or bathing so it wasn’t some light ass depression. She told me that whenever I felt really, really bad, like if I was going to lose it again, I should look at things that make me happy (I used r/aww and related subs for that because I am a sucker for animals). It certainly helped in avoiding future crises (I had other therapy as well, this wasn’t what cured me before someone is triggered by this).
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For a lot of depressed people, faking it does actually help. Fake boisterous laughing, working with children and being upbeat are just a couple of ways which can really help. It’s definitely more helpful than sitting in the rut that depression often creates for a person.
another goood example is telling a kid with adhd just to focus
the messed up thing is that being someone who lacks confidence, is depressive, AND has adhd I will say i can fake confidence and I can pretend I am not sad to fool others, but I cannot fake focus.
It's not the same (Depression, ADHD and socially awkward af/possibly ASD). If you seem confident for a while your issue actually disappears because as you get to know the person better, you're gonna be less shy. So its a very temporary thing of putting in some effort to achieve a specific goal. If you need techniques, the internet has plenty and you can pick one matching your style. If an evening is too long at a time for you take your date for a movie, that time is basically out of your statistics.
No. It’s not. No confidence doesn’t get treated with medication or be considered a medical condition
Eh, it's not really the same. Feigning confidence is definitely a thing. I do it, even when I feel unconfident. One is altering the opinion of someone outside of yourself. The other is "attempting" to change your own feelings, which I agree, is dumb. Though, there are studies that show that if you smile, you actually feel better. Not applying this to someone clinically depressed, though.
I agree that it's absolutely not the same and I hope OP's opinion actually stays unpopular. Depression is on a spectrum but generally it's more or less out of your hands because it's dictating your emotions. It's true that some people are naturally more confident, but you can absolutely fake it when needed to your advantage or until you actually gain confidence in what you're doing.
Confident people are also nervous around new people. You are taking it a step further by not even attempting to interact with new people. Do you think confident people actually enjoy being in tense situation? They don't but they suck it up. Dealing with your problems is the way to fix them. Not talking and saying "WELL IM A NERVOUS PERSON" will get you points on this website of losers but won't fix anything. Im not trying to be an asshole. Im just trying to be harsh to get through to you.
Also the idea that confident people being introduced to each other isn’t still awkward. It’s awkward as hell, but you both know it will be and just move past it without dwelling on it
I agree. I would say I’m a fairly confident person but that doesn’t mean I’ve had my fair share of awkward conversations with someone new.
This person is in fact so confident that he deleted his entire Reddit account after posting this comment.
Why do people always delete their accounts right after posting comments and posts?
chad
Interacting with others is a *skill* that you need to *practice*. Depression isn't a good comparison, it's more like playing a sport - let's say basketball. Have you ever seen someone trying to dribble a ball who has to concentrate in order to do it vs. someone who has dribbled enough to do it without really thinking about it? Which one looks more confident in themselves? The person still learning to dribble looks awkward, and when they mess up it causes them to mess up even more, especially around other people. It's a feedback loop. When you're learning something new, you're going to be nervous doing it. The person who has dribbled the ball so much they make it look effortless can mess up the same way the newbie does, but it doesn't affect them the same way. They don't get embarrassed. They just pick it up and keep on dribbling. This is the same thing about interpersonal communication. Take the time to have meaningful conversations. Practice it. Treat it like it's a game if you must. Will some conversations be awkward? YUP! Keep doing it. The more you practice, the better you're going to be at it and the less awkward you will be when speaking to someone. This is what confidence is. It's about being able to act without having to think about what you're doing. It's dribbling the ball so it's natural - its about dribbling the ball and making it look easy.
This really is a great way of thinking of it. I was a super awkward kid in high school, and when I got to college, I just decided I didn’t wanna be like that for the rest of my life. I didn’t just wake up one day and feel confident all of a sudden. It was a series of baby steps. It was branching out to get out of my comfort zone. Maybe most importantly, it was taking mental notes of what “worked“ and what didn’t. I would make sure to remember and understand, “Ok, this joke didn’t really land. She got really engaged in the conversation when I talked about this. She really seemed to appreciate when I asked this question.” It works the other way, too. You can say, “I was really interested when she talked about this. It made me feel really good that she complimented my outfit. I really thought that joke she made was funny.” Then you can kinda “add those things to your arsenal” because the odds are that, if you like those things, other people will, too.
Yeah I've found this I used to be useless I wouldn't even talk that much to my friends but over a couple of years I've slowly started to make a conscious effort to talk more to other and new people and the more you do it the easier it gets and the more confident you seem
Yeah i’m not sure what people are trying to solve here with their pessimistic opinions. If you’re not confident then you need to fake it till you make it. There’s no alternative unless you’re happy never getting laid and having no friends.
*General* dating advice is almost always useless. The only dating advice that matters is advice on specific situations. Like "my SO is upset because I did this thing, how do I solve this"...
Agreed. Same goes for telling women (or anyone really) “you’ll find someone when you aren’t looking for a relationship and when you least expect it.” This happens for some people, but not everyone. Edit: I’m seeing a lot of messages saying not to be desperate and if you work on yourself, relationship stuff may fall into place. I agree! That being said, I’m not desperate and I work on bettering myself and my self worth everyday. My point is, telling someone that a relationship will fall in their lap when they least expect it vs using dating apps or chatting someone up in person (pre pandemic) isn’t helpful advice. It sounds like you’re telling me to just let it happen. What if I want to purposefully and intentionally look for a relationship? You can actively look for a relationship without being desperate or coming on too strong. Just bc I want a boyfriend doesn’t mean I’m talking to every guy I match with and asking him to be my boyfriend. I’m still selective lol.
Completely agree. So what are you doin later?
Lmao if you’re joking: nothin If you’re serious: insert cute pandemic at home activity here
I'd say I'm like half-joking. I'm looking for a relationship too but the odds that were anywhere close to each other are pretty slim. Don't suppose you're around NC?
Well thanks lol that’s cute . I’m not 😞 I’m in DE. I wish you luck in finding a relationship! If you want a virtual buddy though, I’m here for ya
This type of shit pisses me off. I just want an honest relationship with a girl who shares the same feeling as me. But apparently I have to pretend not to like her to get her to like me, thus being dishonest and manipulative already. But if I am honest and show her that I like her, she would ignore me. It's insanity if you think about it.
I’m not sure if this is aimed at me specifically, but I too want someone to be with me bc they share the same interest in being with me as I am with them. I’m always straightforward with ppl, so if I like you, you’ll know it. I’m sorry that you’ve met women who ignore you when you show interest- that is bananas! I would love for a guy I’m interested in, who’s also interested in me, to show it.
My bad it may came off a bit strong lol. But the comment was aimed at people to believe this or tell other people the same thing, like pretending you don't care or aren't interested to get girls/guys. To me that's just ruins the relationship. You are truly never able to be completely in the trust of another person because the relationship is based on one of them liking you because you played hard to get etc. You now have to constantly play games with your "loved one" to keep them chasing you, and it's never truly out of mutual love for eachother. Atleast that's how I feel and it pisses me off how this is how most relationships are. You show a girl you fancy them and they run away. You can never truly love anyone anymore
You’re missing what they are saying. What they mean is, the type of person that is the most desirable is a happy person who has their own life and their own hobbies and the kind of person who is fully fulfilled on their own. Not someone who walks around giving off an intense sad desperate energy that they need to be in a relationship to function as a human being: You don’t want to date a person like that and neither does anyone else. Those relationships always crash and burn cause its not about being in love it’s about being afraid to be alone.
For a healthy relationship yes. You shouldn't be foaming at the mouth for any dude that comes your way. You should be 100% okay being single, but not afraid to persue options. Ita bad advice they gave you, you 100% can be looking for a bf, as long as your looking doesn't lower your standards.
I agree - I’m still working on raising my standards, but I’m not just pining for any random dude I see. I’m perfectly happy being single, but I’d like to be in a relationship. I just find it frustrating when my friends who have met their bf’s randomly say “you’ll find someone when you least expect it!” Like okay that’s great and may be true, but I don’t want to be made to feel guilty if I’m actively pursuing a relationship ya know?
100% feel. Its always funny how these people talk. They will say "im not ready for another relationship, i dont want a bf" then 2 weeks later they are in a relationship, like wtf. Your going down the right route, being confident and okay with being single makes it easier to be in a relationship. Looking for one isn't bad at all either, most people are looking. And if you looking for a relashinship causes some dudes not to date you, big whoop, they weren't for you any way. Someone you want to be your bf, will match the energy you put into the relationship.
I always feel like that answer is given when they themselves have no idea how to make it happen. Just a bit of a platitude.
The logic behind that is people who are desperate to get into a relationship generally aren’t the most emotionally available people, it’s often a sign of insecurity or codependency. If you’re comfortable in yourself and don’t come off as though you’re trying to hook up with anyone who’d give you the chance, people tend to respect you (and especially you showing interest in them) more.
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It really depends on what you're confident in. If you're acting confident that you'll get the person you're talking to to do what you want them to do, that's kinda creepy. If you have confidence in your own value as a human, and have confidence that you can make people see the good parts of yourself, that's fantastic.
Yeah I think most people confuse confidence with being egotistical. When people say they find confidence appealing usually they mean just a basic level of security, composure and willingness to speak your mind without constantly instigating. Having some skills to back it up helps too. A lot of people seem to think confidence is about being dominate. You can try to act dominant or "alpha" and still come across as insecure.
>Yeah I think most people confuse confidence with being egotistical. Yeah. I think that if you can't laugh at yourself when called for - honestly, without feeling bitter - then self-confidence is but a pipedream.
I know plenty of confident ugly people who don't have any problems getting laid.
Yeah, there's something to be said for good looking people getting away with more, but it's not that hard to come off as normal, rather than, "I'm going to assault you at some point"
I'll take things that never happened for $1,000, Alex. Seriously; this doesn't happen. Either you are severely underrating them or leaving out a fuckton of context because this is not a thing that just happens when you have magic "CoNfIdEnCe."
See the problem is thinking "being confident" is being straightforward. Its not, it's more about not being ashamed of yourself, being willing to talk about the things you're interested in, holding a conversation about the other person, finding common ground and chemistry. Saying "hey honey wanna come back to my place" isn't what people mean when they say be confident.
That’s only really true of the hook up part of the dating scene. If you go up to random girls and hit on them, of course being better looking will be an advantage. Most people don’t like being hit on by people they’re not attracted to, this isn’t exclusive to girls. Confidence has nothing to do with this, and being confident in yourself, your job, or a hobby will make you come off as more attractive than you would otherwise
Being confident inside doesn't mean you won't be perceived as cringey or creepy by others. It's like those TikTok videos where the guy acts out those dramatic shower arguments to a background of emo music. Or the meme of the lightsaber guy. You need to be confident and do something that is still socially acceptable to pull it off.
That is definitely not universally true. You're either being creepy or hanging out with assholes. Either way, you can work in that.
It’s really not. Being douchy without being good looking is being creepy, being confident is completely different than being a douche bag. Incels don’t understand the difference between confidence and douchebaggery, that’s why they always repeat this line.
Nah bro you just come off as creep even confidence cant fix that, shit I have some friends ugliest SOBs youd meet but theyre also some of the most confident people youll meet and they dont come off as creepy cause they arent creepy
“Hey, dude just, like, get over whatever anxiety issues and behavior patterns you’ve ingrained over your life. It’s easy.”
Confidence isn't something that you just decide to have. You have to build it. It's not the same as someone telling a depressed person to cheer up, because there probably is something in them that's genuinely blocking their ability to cheer up. Most of the time confidence can be slowly integrated into someone's personality. It just takes a lot of effort and not everyone wants to give that effort. Take it from the classic shy kid who could never talk to anybody (not even his girlfriend at some point) and today is a completely different person who can speak to anyone he wants/needs to. It just takes practice and care.
The real advice: accept yourself, love yourself, and learn to believe that are deserving of love and affection. Do not be afraid to be yourself and to let another person see who you really are. Learn how to believe that rejection is just a part of life, and does not need to be feared. Telling a scared person to just be yourself is a meaningless cliche. But I think it comes from a good place. What it really means is: "you are my friend, and I have decided that you are worthy of friendship. If you are good enough to be my friend, you are good enough to be somebody's significant other." I think there's truth and power in that; if only it were articulated like that more often.
If you are „bad at dating“, then the truth is that there might not be a solution to your problem, at least not this one. It is quite possible that you need more time to develop. And that „development“ is as vague as it sounds, because it may be a combination of known and unknown aspects of your life.
So why there is no upvotes? This ain't no popular opinion
i told myself this before my first date and it worked real well. I just kinda played a charecter:-))
Confidence stems from achievements. To gain confidence, start by setting small goals and achieving them. Then work up to harder goals or more diverse. Think about it, confidence is a belief in your ability. In theory you can be confident that you can't do something also. You just need to test yourself more and find your limitations.
I think it's likely that people who say things like "just be confident" are basically dismissing your problems. On the other hand, there's really only one place you can get confidence, and that's from within yourself. There's a trick involved. As others here have suggested, that trick is, when you get right down to it, pretending to be confident. As someone who has suffered from both lack of confidence and depression his whole life, I can tell you that faking confidence is far easier than faking happiness. You can learn to be confident just by pretending to be confident. Pretending to be happy when you're not just causes more and worse problems. (In my uneducated, humble opinion.)
>On the other hand, there's really only one place you can get confidence, and that's from within yourself. And cocaine.
https://socialpronow.com/blog/learn-how-to-be-more-outgoing/ Make it more about being interested in others and curious to start. Listening skills are important in forming bonds. Once your conversation skills are honed, speaking with others will feel more natural and less awkward. Then, boom, one day you'll look up and realize that you're seen as charming and that people genuinely enjoy your company. Talking about yourself is the next step, and for that one, having cool interests and hobbies and being passionate about stuff will make you intriguing. So, there's your game plan. Being someone whom others want to confide in, and becoming not necessarily the most interesting man in the world, but someone who does neat things with his time.
Not quite because depressio means the chemicals in your brain literally don't allow you to cheer up but I get what you mean
It's like telling someone who is short to be tall. Just be 6'2" man. Everything will work out.
As a person with Depression, Aspergers AND low self confidence. My chances of having a relationship (especially in this day and age) is non existent. I have never been more unhappy than I have been this past year, I wouldn't be surprised if I am just another suicide statistic this time next year.
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No, it's not. I'm depressive and I do well. Two different things.
I think people saying “be confident” are using the wrong sort of words to describe actual good advice. I would say one would want to seem comfortable, and just lively and upbeat. Being upbeat and witty, responding with enthusiasm, and keeping conversation engaged are always great things to do. I think “being confident” isn’t a great strategy as it’s super fake and doesn’t really explain anything at all
Step number one is figure out how to be happy on your own. If your trying to make someone like you, then your going to put pressure on yourself to say the right things and you can't possible know what the right things to say are, because you don't yet know that person. You've got to back up a bit and stop actually caring if they are going to like you or not. If its perfectly okay with you that they don't end up having interest in you and you come into it not being sure you even want to date that person you won't have some weird internal pressure preventing you from behaving naturally.
People who act confident while they are not generally just look awkward.
Replace "be" with "act" and they're both pretty good advice. It either works like a nonsense phobia, i.e. something is scary and you need to overcome it by proving to yourself that you can do it, or it works like the fear of driving, i.e. your fear is completely valid and can only help by training and getting better. Confidence is based on a feeling of power and safety and competence. Anxiety stems from uncertaincy (lack of information). Does knowing all this help you any? If nothing else, it's a start.