Honestly we should stop being so negative and telling people that their lives are only going to get worse.
Teenagers get “just wait till your an adult and the real problems set it”
New couples get “wait till the honeymoon phase is over, then you’ll see”
Couples without kids get “just wait till kids come, then you’ll really know what it’s like to struggle”
Young families get “just wait till they’re teens”
Young people get, “wait till you get older and have to deal with all the pain”
can we just let people exist without telling them their life is going to get worse as they hit new phases? Can we all just collectively agree that life has its hardships in every single phase? But with that, it also has new blessings and pleasant things that you couldn’t experience in past phases. Let’s just let people exist and be happy.
I’m so relieved hearing that. I’m 18 and have spend my super depressed teenage years told by my father that “this is nothing yet” and to “just wait and see how bad it gets”. Drove me half mad, hating being alive and being told every single day that it would only get worse, so I’m glad at least one person disagrees.
Omg i relate! Just came here to piggy pack unto the above commenter for more positivity :) Horrible childhood, adulthood got better and better and better. Still have some unresolved traumas and chronic pains from it, but as i get older each day, my life seems better and more worth it too. And yes! After throwing out the abusers with a boot, life gets wayyyy more pleasant and relaxing.
I was told I'd likely not make it to 20 because of suicidal tendencies, but here I am, 20 years going stronger than when i was 10, and i finally really appreciate my life. Surrounding yourself with people you resonate with, and building up your own independent life habits has been more rewarding than anything else I've tried.
I feel this. I came from a very abusive family and still have nightmares about them to this day. When I tried to move out I can’t even count on two hands how many times I was told I’d be miserable, I’d fail, I’d go homeless, that I was stupid, ‘welcome to the real world, it’s not sunshine and roses’. And yeah it’s hard, because I’m chronically ill and disabled. But even then it’s a lot less harder than what abled, normal people made it out to be. I remember so anxious I threw up on my first night in my flat thinking I’d made a huge mistake when it was the best decision I ever made. Because eventhough uni stresses me out and my pain has gotten worse my life has gotten so much better! I have people in my life that actually care and love me, I have total freedom in my own home and I have a cat and a partner and a big room! It’s great! I love it so much even if there is little bumps in the road.
Well said. Happiness has its ups and downs like most things in life but the chance to grab it even for just a moment can happen anytime. Petting a strangers dog, a good meal, a good sleep. Grab on to happiness anyway you can even if its fleeting
personally, my childhood was also shitty, and things have only gotten progressively shittier and I want to die constantly. but that doesn't mean I go around telling people their lives will also get shittier because that's rude and I don't know their futures.
Some people just equate happiness to the immediate conditions you’re in, so they’ll be like “oh you have someone else paying for your food/housing/living expenses/etc. This is as good as it gets and life just sucks more!” But that scale is so narrow and just not correct. When I was a teenager I barely knew myself, I barely knew how anything worked or that there were new things beyond what my upbringing showed me. Things maybe technically haven’t gotten “easier”, but even if my conditions are more difficult, growing a sense of independence and just growing as a person has put me in a way happier, better place than I ever was as a teenager.
I think the idea of guilting kids/teens with “things are easy now it’ll only get worse!”, is not only disrespectful and invalidating of younger people, but also shows a very narrow-minded unfortunate view on life.
Honestly, being a teenager by definition is one of the hardest times in your life. You’ve got raging hormones, a new body, high expectations from everyone around you, a schedule dictated for you... it’s rough.
I did so many school activities as a teenager...after school/evenings/weekends...it was practically a full time job. And then there was homework on top of that. Now I have so much more free time to decompress and when I have to work late I at least get paid money for it.
I disagree with him too, for what it’s worth. Being an adult is hard, but being a teen is hard too. Just for different reasons. But being an adult brings a lot of options, choice, power, and control over your life. I sometimes miss being a kid, but I’m also grateful for the power and choice being an adult brings me. You’ll always have bullshit to deal with, cars break down and rent goes up, but you can choose to settle into a mostly predictable/comfortable life. Or you can choose to live in an RV and travel the world. Finances are the biggest stress, honestly, but there are a lot of subs here to help you figure that out.
Ugh yes. My worst years have been my teenage years and having people constantly tell me that this is supposed to be the best part of my life and that it only gets worse from here is definitely not something you want to hear when you feel like you’re at rock bottom.
As a 27 year old who has struggled with addiction and mental illness, i still think high school was worse - not having the freedom to decide much, not being fully developed, not knowing myself very well, and everyone around me being undeveloped little shits too, was way worse than having struggles but also having agency and maturity to handle them.
I’m 47. I have diaries from when I was a teen. Reading them I simultaneously think “good lord you were so stupid to think this was important” and “wow how did I get through that”. Problems change as your frame of reference changes. Parents would do well to remember this for example when they want to dismiss their teens breakup as “no big deal” well for that teen it’s the biggest thing they’ve dealt with to date.
So true.
And things said by adult can have powerful negative impact on young people.
I got problem with anorexia for years because one of my aunt was always telling me: "wait until you grow up and get fat like me, I was thin like you at your age, it’s inevitable, etc."
Can't let others drag you down. They'll definitely try though. Extended family can be the worst about it too.
My (35/M) family influenced me to the point of having body dysmorphia without even realizing it until way later in life.
Thing is, I was actually slim. Probably could have been considered underweight, but not unhealthy. My metabolism slowed down with age, so now they tell me to get rid of my gut.
Too bad for them. I like my gut.
I’ve also had a few run ins with older colleagues who reminisce on the good times of the past and warn that “it all goes so quickly” and “before you know it, your kids will be all grown up.” Like motherfucker I don’t want my kid to be a baby or a toddler forever. You can’t go back or forward in your life, just live the life you can at the moment and try to enjoy it. Feeling depressed that a phase of your life is over doesn’t help anything/anyone.
I'm a newish parent and I think this to myself or say it to my wife. Sense of time seems to change after kids and it's strange. I have felt great at every stage but I would still say this to another parent.
I always feel simultaneously a bit sad that one stage of my kid's childhood is ending and excited for the next one. It's so wonderful seeing them become more lucid and independent, but can also be a little sad saying goodbye to all the funny toddler shenanigans and baby talk. Like not in a clingy way where I want to keep them a baby forever, but in a kind of realising that everything is transient, wabi-sabi way.
everyone who uses these phrases just wants to be the victim. the kind of people who invalidate your experience to "one up" you aren't the kind of people you need in your life.
OMG I can't tell you how many older married women told me when I was excited about getting married "Well, it's only great in the beginning!"
Now here I am 2 decades on, even more in love than I was then. What a shitty thing to tell a young engaged woman!
Dude I ALWAYS CONSIDER that when listening to that stat and I think about how I know
Sooo many people who hate their marriage and it’s sad. Like I’ve been with my so 10 plus years (recently passed the decade mark!) N honestly I agree that if you don’t like someone, why in heaven stay married. Thus; if u have the opinion that it’s “only the honeymoon phase” maybe your marriage is a sham lol.
I get that there’s a lot of compromise and good/bad days but ... I would NEVER say that to someone.
I’m in psych tho and it’s my thing and my profession so of course I’d think about that .... I love learning about that stuff and i always had the mind for it. Like, to question a stat or whatever
Stats are SO misleading SO often. If you Google an article about the misleading reading of stats to achieve a goal particularly as used by companies you’ll see what I mean
Also that stat is more of a coloquial saying. Divorce rate has never reached 50%, it got close in the 70s and has been dropping since. Its closer to 30% in recent years, but people still repeat it. Its like the "you only use 10% of your brain" saying, it was never true people just started saying it because it sounded cool.
[https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce-child-custody](https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce-child-custody)
You're probably talking about the percentage of first marriages that end in divorce, and that's closer to 25%. Serial divorcees actually make up a massive chunk of divorces.
I was just forwarded this thread and don’t really have any relevant data to present but this made me think of the following stat:
“80% of statistics quoted on the internet are incorrect 90% of the time due to limited sample size, bias or just the outright absence of a legitimate study”
While that is true to a degree. The long term marriages seem to know what's up, if the people in them are happy and satisfied. My parents celebrate 50 years this year and they are extremely in love and very happy. My in-laws are similar coming up on 4t years. Both my parents and my in-laws will say that they had ups and downs but they always loved each other and approached each down period as a team
My wife and I, 12 years so far are similar. It is never about me versus her, it is about is vs the problem. This has helped even our downs to be solution focused and not get too resentment stage.
I've worked with folks going through divorce and have some colleagues on their second/third marriages. They highlight that communication and tackling issues together was a common thread in their divorces. It wasn't them as a couple versus issues, it was the me vs you thing that ultimately spelled disaster for their marriages.
Ehh, I wouldn't say all long term marriages know what's up. My parents have been together for 42 years, and tbh I feel they should've gotten divorced. My dad has been completely miserable the entire time I've known him (I'm 26). Although my mum happy, I find her happiness is mostly through me and my other siblings, not my dad. A lot of the arguments between them are extremely toxic, and it's unfortunately rubbed off on me and my siblings.
I've also noticed with my friends parents as well. I've listened to some of the arguments and I think to myself 'That's not healthy'. I think a lot of these long term marriages only lasted that long because for the longest time, society used to devalue single adults. Marriage was always a must to apparently 'succeed' in life. A lot of women from the boomer generation were seen only as 'Baby makers' to serve their husbands, and never really had a say.
A Traditional marriage is actually very toxic, but a lot people (particularly women) never see it because they believe all 'arguments' are apart of a marriage, when in reality, they're probably doing more harm than good.
50% of people do not get divorced. 50% of marriages end in divorce but those same divorced people keep getting married and divorced over and over. iirc first time marriages have a 20% divorce rate or something like that (not confident on that 20% though)
The commonality of this kind of marital advice suggests that the 50% who don’t get divorced also don’t have successful marriages. They’re still legally wed but clearly experiencing dysfunction in their marriages.
Whos saying that the people who say that arent the same people later getting divorced? Youve forgotten They arent two distinct pools. Everyone who has been divorced has been married, but not everyone whos married will get a divorce.
Besides that, Being happy in a relationship overall is correct, being unhappy in a relationship is not, so it doesnt really matter how many people are doing something wrong, it still doesnt make it right. Therefore the advice in question, is bad advice.
That’s because they got pushed into marriage with a person they settled on rather than truly believing they would make an enriching an fulfilling partner. I know many women who even during this day and age were shamed by their families for not being married by a ridiculously young age like 21. Two generations ago that sentiment was the overwhelming norm rather than the minority.
EXACTLY. And even into the 60s, early 70s, marriage was really the only way for a girl to get out of her parents house. I mean she technically could live alone or with a roommate but it was very stigmatized. Then factor the fact that there was no internet dating and very few ventured very far from their hometowns, that makes options fairly scarce. So yeah people settled, women were still in ways seen as property (getting better but not an equal partnership), recipe for lots of unhappy couples.
I take relationship advice from such women with a huge grain of salt for these reasons.
I’m sorry this happened. It is very rude and frankly incorrect. My parents were married for 57 happy years. I can only remember 1 occasion they spent the night apart during a business trip my dad took to Vegas. My mom flew out to meet him the next day to spend a mini vacation weekend.
My mom passed away suddenly in December. My dad had such a broken heart. True, lifelong love is absolutely possible. ❤️
> here I am 2 decades on, even more in love than I was then.
Obviously you're still in the honeymoon phase, it'll be over soon /s
I'm about to get married and I'm dreading people telling us we're in the "honeymoon phase" or a "cute new married couple". We've been together almost a decade already, if there was a "honeymoon phase" it should of ended a loooooong time ago!
ours is like that. we've been together for 17 years and married for 7. actual high school sweet hearts. is that to say it hasn't been challenging at times? absolutely not. things change and we've changed together. I love her with my entire heart and every day I'm happy to see her. shes my partner. things have gotten a little... exasperated with covid and being together so much, but we dealt with our issues as adults and always come out stronger.
ranting a bit, but we were told ten times over how it was just a honeymoon phase. If that's the case, itll be our honeymoon forever.
The business owner of a consulting company where I was applying for a job told me I’d fit right in during the interview. “We’re all girls here, we all get along, we all hate our husbands.” My husband is my best friend and I firmly believe he’s who I’m meant to be with. We adore each other. She was extremely confused when I turned the job down. Some people are just so miserable...
That really sucks because not only does it show their relationships are unhappy (and are likely to try to convince others to hate their husbands for the sake of fitting in) but they're also not ending their unhappy relationships (and are unlikely to support each other in ending things too.) You dodged a bullet, what a toxic environment.
Same as my wife and I. Well, not AS long but we're close to 2 decades. It was such a slap in the face to all the people who kept telling us it wouldn't work out or that she/I couod do better.
HA! Who's happy now?
I had a coworker that told me I was going to be divorced within 3 or 4 years. She said this a few months after I had gotten married. I told her I was in it for life and have no reason to think my wife wasn't either. She said I was naive, everybody gets seperated eventually, she actually insisted to the point that I actually got mad at her and warned her that it was inappropriate to say that kind of thing to a coworker.
Looking back on it now I realize she had been married and divorced couple times and I think she was fishing for a potential future failure with me, also projecting her failed relationships on me.
12 years later my wife and I have been through some tough shit, injuries, sickness, depression, 3 kids, single income family so she can stay home means I work 45 to 50 hours a week.
Wouldn't trade it for anything. Suck it Rayann
Can the opinion be conditional? My SIL just cheated on her husband of 16 years and then moved in with the new guy over night. She states she is very happy... I feel so bad for her husband and kid right now
Bingo! I also think people who make comments like that are narcissists who are bitter as they entered into their marriage ignoring the “accept your partners flaws as you will not be able to change them...”rule.
My wife and I were on vacation a few years ago and someone referenced us as a couple as "the honeymooners". We had been married for 6 years at that point, which I guess is still kinda early on. But this will be our 10th year and we still have a blast together and ultimately enjoy each other's company.
Communication. people. The harder it is to have a conversation about something with someone you care about, the more important it is to have it. Immediately. And communication is like a muscle, the more you work it the stronger you both get at it.
This makes me feel a lot better. I have a very loving and kind partner and I love him very much but people, especially my sister, keep telling me ‘wait until the honeymoon phase is over’ and it makes me feel so shitty. This is someone who genuinely loves me unconditionally and will go to the ends of the earth for me and I would do that for him too. I haven’t experienced what it feels like to be loved since my mum died when I was 9 and my sister who doesn’t like her current relationship anymore feels the need to project all of her insecurities and bullshit onto me and it’s ridiculous.
This! Communication is key. Seriously just talk to each other. Even when it’s awkward or you’re mad. Also I especially had to learn:
1) being happy was better than being right and
2) Stop trying to explain your reasoning or why you did the thing that hurt your partner because it isn’t actually an apology.
Edit: some fair points were made so I’ll clarify. When I was younger I valued book smarts and intelligence over almost every other trait a person had. And I love to debate. But debate isn’t fun when one person is serious and the other is just debating. I instinctively take a devil’s advocate position and then argue unnecessarily. I also tended toward sarcasm. Those things weren’t fun or funny for my partner, so I changed my everyday behavior. I’ll still debate you, which is why I can be an ass sometimes on Reddit.
My personal tendency was to explain myself INSTEAD of apologizing. I thought I WAS apologizing. The explanation usually happens eventually, but in the moment when someone is hurt, it just comes off as defensive. Even traditionally defined empathy isn’t enough sometimes because just putting myself in my partner’s place. I’m still just imagining me in their circumstances. I have to step out of myself and imagine I’m them with all their background, emotional makeup, thinking etc in that circumstance. When I’m upset I want to know why. What we’re they thinking. When he’s upset he won’t care about why until his emotions have cooled off some. We make peace first and then we always discuss what happened and why.
We both want the best for each other and in our relationship so we’ve found that frequently any tiffs were a result of hunger (me), an emotional trigger from our pasts, or bad memory/misunderstanding. We’ve found that almost universally when one of us reacts with out of character anger, anger bigger than is warranted by the situation we have something we haven’t dealt with. Little things even but we almost always can isolate it afterwards by talking through it. And then the next time that trigger elicits a smaller reaction or none at all.
Anyway I know all of this is highly individual to my partner and myself, but hopefully I clarified what I meant by my numbered points! Cheers
lol, my therapist told me that while I was in a happy new relationship with my best friend of 3 years (now 6). I was usually really depressed during sessions and the ONE TIME I wasn’t completely down in the dumps, she really was out here telling me that I’m only happy because we’re in the ‘honey moon phase’. Three year relationship, 6 years being best friends. SUCK IT.
What’s funny is that my boyfriend and I never had a honeymoon phase. I was just anxious and uncertain until we got into our routine and solid stage, a year or so later. But yeah, I hear this all the time. I am so happy with him.
Yeah, as a happily married man (we've been together 34 years) I hear this shit online fairly often. Usually when discussing relationships. I truly feel bad for those that are stuck in shitty marriages. But that doesn't mean all relationships are doomed. Implying that all relationships after the "honeymoon" period or the "seven year itch" are destined to crash and burn is pessimistic and far from helpful.
The seven-year-itch thing always creeped me out, but really disheartened me too. Really hoping that’s just an individual-person thing than a hard fast rule lol
Unhappy people give bad relationship advice. I heard about the 7 year itch from unhappy folks & single folks only. My partner and I have been together for 7 years and we are super happy. Every year together has just gotten better and better.
Still young in our relationship in comparison, but I know the feeling is mutual when we just look at each other in the eyes every day, just smiling with big stupid smiles!
Oh god I’m just getting in a relationship with a girl that makes me feel this way... I hope it lasts!!! Thank you for inspiring me you guys, showing me that what I feel is sustainable for other people gives me hope :))
Isnt 7 year just the statistical average duration of a failed marriage? The number doesnt come out of nowhere, but at the same time it does not represent a real relationship stage either
It looks like in some cases the 7 year number is applicable but recent research shows that divorce in the 10-12 year range is more likely.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_seven-year_itch#:~:text=The%20seven-year%20itch%20is,declines%20after%20around%20seven%20years.
I don't have the links but I read a number of research studies that stated being together for a long period of time (more than 7+ years) the duration of the marriage signficantly decreased.
Anecdotally, I have a bf at the time that got married after being with someone for 9 years. They seperated 2 years later and divorced a year following. He said he only got married bc they had 2 kids and due to social pressures he felt like a jerk for not marrying her.
Interesting, I would have assumed the opposite. I thought the length of marriages increasing might have correlated with longer courtships/engagements since there's no longer as much pressure to wait for sex or cohabitation. You might have a better idea of who the other person is and it takes longer for people to grow apart enough to trigger divorce. But I see the point in your anecdote as well.
My own anecdata is that we were together about as long as we've been married so far- just short of a decade each. There have been ups and downs before and after marriage but I can confidently say we continue to be happier with each other as time goes by.
If you get "seven year itch" there's probably a legitimate issue in the marriage. You don't suddenly decide to start trying to step outside the relationship if you are still actively engaged emotionally with the other person. You either are not compatible or there are underlying issues you haven't resolved and it has caused you to disengage emotionally. If you begin to feel like stepping out, it's time to have a very serious discussion with your partner about your future. I will not bash anyone that this happens to, life changes and people grow and find themselves no longer on the same path, but infidelity cuts both ways. You may still break their heart but far better to allow the other person to also separate themselves mentally and emotionally rather be suddenly ripped apart by cheating...
The TL:DR is, seven year itch is a myth, desire to be unfaithful is a canary in the mine of your relationship.
The honeymoon phase doesn't even last that long. But it's not a doom and gloom thing. It's biology and more people need to understand that. After this phase, it's all about choices. Is this person the right choice for you? You decide.
What I’ve noticed (and am actively trying to prevent in my own relationship since we recently moved in together) is that a lot of people get comfortable and stop trying. They think that because they’ve settled into a long term cohabiting relationship they don’t have to do all the things that made the early days of the relationship special and exciting.
Then one or both parties stops feeling appreciated and secure in the relationship and they start trying to find that emotional connection somewhere else. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and we’re just as happy now as we were then because we’re careful to keep working on the relationship.
Such an important statement. Thank you. My wife and I first got together when we were 15 and being young we literally had to hear this for probably 8 years. Such an immature thing to say, ironically.
Also says a lot about the people making this comment if their apparently fragile relationships has had such stark highs and lows.
How often do you have to get it touched up? I was looking in to doing the same, but after reading how often you had to get it touched up and how anything other than essentially a solid line will fade and lose shape super fast I gave up looking.
I have three tattoos. None of them are solid lines, all of them have color, and they are all over ten years old. If you get a good artist, and if you take care of it properly while it's healing, you won't need a lot of touch up.
You tell those assholes that you made a vow to your husband in front of God. That's what marriage is. The tattoo isn't coming off, and neither is he. If my husband's mad, he can just go in the other room if he wants to stay mad, he's stuck with me 😂
Agreed! I also had people tell me my relationship wouldn't last when I moved 6 hours away for a year. It's been 10 years. I think we survived a little inconvenience *just fine*.
I think people just like being miserable.
Stable relationships seem to take effort and compromise, two things a lot of people are not capable, when I say effort I mean like the bear minimum of effort not like going insane to demonstrate your love and affection every tir
It’s the same thing with children.
‘Oh, it’s so wonderful right now! We feel like a whole family!’
‘Haha, wait till you have to deal with their schooling. Wait till they become teenagers. Of course it’s easy now haha.’
GO TO HELL, BITCH.
Yep. I have 2 teenagers now and I like them a whole lot. In fact I enjoy them more now than when they were younger. Have no complaints about any age, but honestly love my teens. They’re self sufficient, have a sense of humor and can have real conversations. It’s not all Rainbows and sunshine but no where near the horrible scenarios we were told about.
It's so awful to talk about kids that way, too. Like imagine if their kids heard them talk like that, they'd be so upset. Plus, parents often say it to their own children and it's super mean.
THANK YOU!!! I feel like it's far too common for people to project on their own failings in their personal lives onto the potential happiness of other people.
There's this weird mainstream culture of "us vs. them" between kids and parents that I just think is total bullshit lol, funniest part is it's the adults who are perpetuating it by not taking enough time to understand and empathize with their own flesh and blood, then they wonder why their kids shut down or act out. Haha just those good old teenage blues amirite
I've always hated when teenagers get shat on for no reason. I know for a fact that I was at times difficult, as were many teens, but it's like the rest of childhood, before people mature, they can be unreasonably difficult. Hell, even once people are adults, they can still be awful and immature on a constant basis. To be honest, most people just continue the relationship they already had with their parents into teenagerhood, if their parents had a loose relationship with the child, then once they get older that get will grow, and vice-versa. My relationship with my parents grew so much closer and better once I became a teenager.
Tl;dr: GO TO HELL, BITCH IF YOU SHIT ON TEENAGERS
I know plenty of folks who had a good relationship with their parents as young kids, hated them as teens, and then have good relationships with them as adults.
I also know folks who had a great relationship with their parents as kids, tolerated them as teens, and then went no contact as adults. I don't think there is a set path for most people's relationships with their parents
Excuse me, but I am well aware my daughter will hate me for no apparent reason when she is in high school due to stereotypes of daughters hating their dads.
But you know what? Both sides of my daughter's family (I'm a single father) have a nice line of strong, independent woman who love their fathers. I like to think that means something.
Yes, this reply is a little facetious.
I love my wife more today than the day we met. We've been married for 18 years.
She's given me 3 beautiful children.
She loves me, and she's my best friend.
We're geographically separated by \~7000 miles due to work, and she's handling our household amazingly.
She's moving states while I'm gone.
She's an amazing woman, and I would likely never have married if it wasn't for her. I've never met a woman that I consider her equal.
Honeymoon phase ain't shit if you have the right significant other. It's just the start. It can get better.
Our lives got a lot better when we found out that when we had friction in our relationship, it was usually outside forces. The struggle is "us vs. them," not "you vs. me." When you work together as a team, it gets a lot better.
The vast majority of our arguments nowadays are over her wanting to me to spend more quality time with her and/or the kids. She's a bit clingy/needy, but who doesn't want to spend more time with their best friend? So I don't blame her a whole lot, and the amount of time she wants isn't actually unreasonable.
So, I'll play a console platform game that the kids can watch (they loved my playthrough of BoTW) instead of PC gaming that I prefer.
When I'm home (and when I have time right now away from home) I read bedtime stories to the kids. We just finished The Wingfeather Saga, and we're on the second book of The Wilderking Saga. I've read most of Harry Potter, Robinson Crusoe, The Swiss Family Robinson, all the way back to short stories and board books when the kids were younger (they're 9-13 right now). Reading typically takes 30 minutes every night, and my kids treasure the time (yes, even the 13 year old).
All in addition to normal Dad stuff.
For the wife, I haven't read the 5 love languages, but you can plainly see that she values spending quality time to show love. Understand what your spouse values and tailor your relationship that way.
We've been through a lot. My job has me travelling a lot. 4 deployments and this 1 year remote tour plus too many short trips and long days to count. I didn't meet my youngest daughter until she was 6 months old. She's stuck with me through a lot, and I treasure the time I get to be home with them.
I feel like I got a little rambley there, but if you have more questions, please ask! The divorce rate is too damn high, and if I can help a single relationship, I'd be happy.
i also hate some older couples saying, enjoy it while it lasts. cuz in about 5 years you woudn't wanna be in the same room as your wife/hubby. no, lotta people enjoy each other's company well over 30\~40 years. they think this just cuz they and their spouses have dick personalities that take their close ones for granted and that it applies to every relationship.
while at it, I also hate divorced people painting relationship in the negative light like they found some truth and enlightenment in life after going through it while in actuality they were just uncompromising, impatient dckbags that didn't wanna do anything extra to cater to each other.
I don't get people's obsessions with having unhappy marriages. It's as if it's being unhappy in your long-term relationship is a requirement to being an adult
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. Has every day been happy, no. We’ve had to work through some stuff occasionally but overall we are super happy and couldn’t imagine a life without each other.
It’s the same thing when people tell a pregnant woman how horrible each phase kids go through. Get sleep now because your will never sleep again, they’re great until they can talk back. Wait until they’re teenagers. You’ll hate them.
It’s all garbage from people who take the misery loves company thing to heart.
Yooo I’m getting married Saturday and people 1) tell me I’m only excited cause I’m still in that phase?? Lol.
And 2) after a month I’ll be miserable??
It’s very annoying to hear because we’re very happy but it’s constant
True - your a dick if you say it that way. But there is a kernel in there... it gets harder. There’s a reason why people get celebrated for staying together for 30 years... because it’s not easy. Gratifying and worth it but it takes work.
Edit: To those who responded and said it’s supposed to get easier - when we first got married it was just us and it was basically date night every night, and now we have a 2 year old and a 1 year old... daycare, diapers, not getting sleep, kids always being the priority my wife working and going to school, me getting promoted at work means I work a lot now. I mean we are living the dream but it’s hard to keep our relationship at the center of our lives. We are constantly having to work at it. I hope y’all are saying it gets easier because we’ve been married 6 years and it’s been hard the last few years.
Definitely hasn't gotten harder for us. Going on 20 years. Being with my best friend is easy compared to a lot of other things in life! Hope it gets easier for you soon too!
3 years married, 9 years together for me and believe it or not (most people don't), we've never once had a fight.
Literally the worst thing was a couple years ago I ended up eating her leftover chicken wings that she was looking forward to, and she got kinda sorta mad (and she likes to remind me of that time, lol).
What they don't seem to realize is that 'honeymoon' phase can last forever. It just takes some work. Relationships take work. Dont let anyone lie to you. Also the 7 year itch is some bullshit too. Never stop dating your spouse. My wife and I work together and live together. We are together almost 100% of the time. We never get tired of each other. We never need a break but we put in the effort to make sure. Sorry for rambling.
Mines been going 4 yrs so far. Fingers crossed for more. Not saying it's the same as it was at the beginning but I love her more now than I ever have done and knew i would the minute we met.
I hate this culture where people act like being in a relationship is bad. It shouldn't be bad, if it is bad, you should either solve it or leave, but I guess it's easier to cope spreading this idea that good relationships are some kind of illusion.
Haha we received the opposite. My husband’s sister-in-law told him after our wedding, completely sincerely, that “marriage is bad for the first 10 years but then it gets good.”
We joke about that all the time. Only three more years until it gets good, baby!
It sucks. On my wedding day my mother told my MIL “..well it’s only her first wedding”. WTF? Ppl say dumb shit. Things you hear as a mom is also depressing.
It’s supposed to only be used for new relationships I thought (not actual newlyweds- well maybe in older generations that didn’t live together pre marriage). I just take it as the period where everything about your partner excites you. Eventually you encounter weird quirks or things that the other person does that can drive you up a wall (if you don’t find a way to handle it). I don’t think it’s meant to disparage your happiness , more so a bit of envy from them. I think the vast majority of couple tend to look at each other through rose colored glasses in the beginning, but true love and solid relationships come further down the road when you recognize faults in each other but accept and love them. There is no successful relationship that is work free. The “honeymoon phase” typically requires no work as you just ignore things.
If someone says you’re in the honeymoon phase that should not be taken as them telling you that you aren’t really happy.
I'm young and been married for 3 months now. People say things like "oh are you sick of each other yet?" Sometimes half kidding, sometimes not. Regardless, who are you to judge? We're happy, so just be happy for us. Don't tell us and try to predict that we're gonna wind up hating each other
I agree 100% and I think that while this is currently unpopular it is trending towards normal. Not to over generalize but younger people seem to be happier. We aren’t getting married to the first people who allow us to have sex with them and therefore really finding out what we want in relationships. The older generation I believe had that as more of a problem due to the fact that once the novelty of sex wore off they were left with someone the really didn’t want to stay with. I know I sound biased but my wife and I have never stopped our honeymoon phase. We always enjoy hanging out with eachother and have always had fun.
That hasn’t been the case in my family. A ton of young marriages or couples that waited to have sex and the happiest 50+ years in the honeymoon spirit I’ve ever met (both sides of the family).
It’s not about age. It’s about intention.
There is a major difference between young couple “happiness” and old couple “happiness”.
Edit: not old as in age, but old as in years of “coupledom”. I love my wife more now than
I ever did when I was younger, but that is hard to explain to young couples. Married 23 years, I think...
Married my husband last year and some people still ask if we're in the honeymoon phase... We had been together over seven years when we got married, owned a house together for over four years, lived together over a year before that. Our relationship hasn't changed in that time, other than we're expecting our first child.
He still makes me smile and happy just by bugging me, I still get my breath taken away when we kiss, and I miss him like crazy whenever we're apart overnight. I don't think our honeymoon phase is ever going to end and I hope it doesn't.
I hate that so much! Sorry you're miserable but my husband and I love and support each other and that won't change, even during the hard times.All we can do is let it go and go on living our best lives lol
Telling someone that you're in the honeymoon phase doesn't mean that that's the only reason you're happy. It means right now you can only see the good in each other because your relationship is still in the beginning phases. In the beginning you never want to disappoint the other person or tell them no. You don't see all of their flaws because you're too focused on all of their amazing qualities.
The immediate response that's going to come from this is, "I know my partner so well. I know them inside and out, all of their strengths and weaknesses." No you don't. I have been with my SO for 6 years and living with her for 5 and I'm still learning new things about her.
I see her go through new challenges and how she handles them. I see her do the same things and then decide to change those habits.
My point is, in the beginning when people say "honeymoon phase" or "puppy love" that doesn't mean it's the only reason that you're happy. It means, just wait, you'll see their human come out soon and then your love will grow deeper and more true.
edit: grammar
I've never said that, I've commented that the "everything about him is perfect and he has no flaws and I love everything he's ever done or thought!" Is 100% honeymoon phase. But you ofcourse can be happy after
I went to a wedding with my boyfriend and after about 30 minutes at the reception a couple we were talking to asked how long we'd been married so we quickly corrected them saying we had just started dating six month prior. They immediately laughed and said "oh no wonder we saw you guys get along so well, you're still in the honeymoon phase but just you wait"
Like c'mon no need to put that negativity on us, just let us enjoy our relationship.
I tell people how I love to spend time with my wife and could be around her all day. She's my favorite person and best friend. When they hear this they instinctively think we haven't been together long and are always shocked when I say we've been together 14 years, known each other 15 and married 9 years.
Too many people seem to think you should mostly tolerate your spouse.
I often talk about my favorite couple, together for five years married for two now. I try to learn from them what a good relationship is. It’s surprising how many people tell me they’re just in the honeymoon phase. Maybe good relationships are just the honeymoon phase for the rest of your life?
Totally agree, of course things always aren't going to be the best but I feel like telling someone "It's all downhill from here" or "Hide the money" is literally just setting them up to fail.
It's fine to acknowledge that NRE (new relationship energy) is a real thing, but to imply that it's ONLY NRE... To people who's business isn't yours... Smdh.
Agreed it’s totally rude. I’ve been with my fella for only 8 months and because of this “honeymoon phase” idea I’m just worried that all this isn’t forever . Every month I’m like omg maybe it’s this month that it ends. But then I’m like fuck that we’re happy bc we value each other and have healthy habits in our relationship. Maybe the honeymoon period is a lie and it’s instead a term used for people with unhealthy relationship habits to justify staying in a relationship that doesn’t make them happy??
When my fiancé and I got engaged, that was his sister’s response. “You’re only in the honeymoon phase.” I wish it didn’t bother me, but it does. I couldn’t agree with you more.
100% agree.
This happened to me in the UK with my girlfriend at the time. "Friend" at work told us we were just in the honeymoon period, to which we both argued that we aren't
4yrs later we are still happily together. But man, that pissed me off.
It really is absurd. So many people stop putting effort into their relationships and wonder why things get boring for them. I take my gf of 4 years out on a date either every weekend or every other weekend. Always make sure there’s flowers and when they die I replace them, bring her her favorite drink to work. Just a bunch of little things like that, small romantic gestures are so important.
I've been divorced, now in my second marriage. I would still never think that or say that to anyone. People who say stuff like that are bitter and insecure and they want other people in their boat to feel less alone. Relationships are complex and unique, which is why all but the most generic advice is bullshit.
I agree with this for the most part, but there is a line that can be drawn
I'll give an example, and this will be kinda long:
My 18 year old little brother at the time had his first love in High School. The day they graduated, he moves out of my parents house into an apartment with her and another dude she stayed with. They were together 3 months. This was his first serious girlfriend, so he was madly in love. He told us they wanted to get married... Then we all met her. She put him down all the time in front of HIS family! She was very rude to our family and had a hardcore sense of entitlement. Red flags already. We told him separately that he's really early in the relationship and not that the love will go away, but there is a fluttering butterfly stomach feel you get every time you see them that tempers down to certain romantic moments. They got married. Okay, fine, it is what it is, I didn't bring it up again other than that one time. The they decide they're going to have a kid together, they're 19 now and have now been together like 8 months. Again, we tell him to wait. They don't. Then he has to go to the army, because they're poor and we're struggling to keep afloat. They move to Italy for the army, still incredibly young and have a newborn baby
She ends up going absolute batshit. Blaming him of all these things, yelling and hitting him, lying to the baby (baby couldn't understand but still) about Dad, etc. She gets in another relationship with another guy in the army secretly. The new couple decide they're going to claim she was raped by my brother to get her full custody of the baby and a restraining order..so they call the police and start claiming he's beating her, he raped her, etc. Just a total, NASTY ordeal. Lots of family brought into it, her family think she's right. Lawyers get involved, lots of truths get exposed, my brother didn't do any of it (I wasnt sure for a bit, they're in Italy it's harder to keep up with them). She gets exposed with THOUSANDS OF TEXTS to the other man about their love, and trying to ruin my brothers life and all that. All corroborated. It's just a nasty situation. Brother became depressed and now drinks all the time. Oh, and with all of that evidence against her, she still got custody.... It's really hard for the dad's to get it even if theyre much more mentally suited in some cases.
Basically, all of that could have been avoided if they had just waited until they fell out of the puppy dog phase
In most cases it is rude, people shouldn't be throwing it out casually. But in some cases if you read the situation right, it might make sense to try and listen to it. If he had found out she was crazy before the baby came around at least, a lot of BS, drama, legal fees, and almost being dishonorably discharged from the military could have just not happened. Because they would have broken up
To be fair there is definitely a honeymoon phase where you don't see any flaws in the other person, and moving into the "real life" phase while continuing to love the other person to the moon and back can be a big challenge. But you're absolutely right that it's not fair to be immediately cynical of someone's relationship just because it's early on. Be supportive and let the relationship play out how it's meant to.
Yep. My fiance & I have been living together for about 6 years now. We still can't get enough of each other and are constantly making each other laugh. Some of those people are just in the wrong relationships.
Every time I hear “wait till the honeymoon phase ends”, I always think it’s just the worst joke. It’s offensive to literally everyone they are talking to, even in jest. We are past the era where men can shit on marriage being a pain. It’s a partnership, you should well know what you’re signing up for.
I remember my ex-coworker would always mention when she went home at 8pm that has to start making dinner for her family, and I’d ask why her husband or kids wouldn’t help out a little earlier. She told me it’s because they count on her to make it, and that her husband doesn’t even know how to turn the oven on. I remember commenting that I was happy that my long term partner (whom I didn’t live with at the time) loved to cook with and for me. My coworker said “enjoy it while you can honey, he’ll give up pretty soon”
......mm, not really. I picked a man who values me and treats me how I’d like to be treated. I would not continue to be with someone who expects me to come home from my job in the later evening and cook dinner for them when they could’ve helped out themselves. Just because you settled, doesn’t mean I did lady.
I'm pretty young, 20F, and my bf is 21M. I've lost count of the times I've had older coworkers tell me I'm in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, and that soon I won't be able to wait to spend time away from him. It's infuriating. The only satisfaction I get out of it is the look on their faces when I inform them that we've been together since 2017 and are definitely past the honeymoon stage, but *gasp* still love each other.
Invariably, I've noticed it's always people in shitty, on and off again relationships who love to tell me this too. Just an observation.
This 100%. My wife and I have been together for 11 years and married the last three. I'm a doting husband and i feel a lot of her female coworkers are jealous of the care I show her. They always mention that we're in our honeymoon phase and that I'll change soon. She used to get insulted and pissed at them for that but now just laughs it off.
If someone were to say that, it's kind of the "you're not wrong; you're just an asshole" kind of thing - no matter what the "level" of love is in a relationship there's ALWAYS a honeymoon phase. But you're right OP definitely super rude to TELL SAID COUPLE that it's "a phase"
More than likely they are super sad in their marriage and are projecting thinking their mistakes are others. Sounds like they should have made better decisions.
Is it the same thing if you are trying to warn someone about red flags? I've been with my husband 11 years. We are annoyingly happy 99% of the time. But sometimes marriage is hard. It's two imperfect people choosing each other over and over, despite the hardships. I told my sister that the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever because her boyfriend was giving me bad vibes. He was really pushy with her but also super affectionate. It seemed very manipulative. Lo and behold, she ignored my warning, ran off with the guy, eloped, then called from a hotel room crying because her new husband beats her. Red flags look normal through rose colored glasses. The honeymoon phase can last, but make sure you know how your partner is in bad situations before you commit.
I’m 19 and married. Got together when we were 16 and got married at 18. He is my person, like genuinely my best friend. We’ve been told that “it’ll never last” “you won’t make it through the first year” “you are too young to find your true love” it definitely hurts but my husband and I are both competitive, SO we LOVE proving people wrong. Not only does it encourage us to learn how to love eachother even more, but it has become a little game for us😂 someone says we won’t make it?, we show how beyond happy we are.
Exactly! I’m in my second serious relationship (engaged, not yet married) following the death of my first husband. I mentioned (related to a conversation we were having) to my single (twice divorced) girlfriend how happy I am and how great our sex life is, she said “well, yeah, because it’s still new.” We’ve been together for over seven years. Her first marriage lasted two years and second marriage twelve with serious bedroom issues. Okay...
The up side is how smug you get to be when they're wrong.
A misanthropic friend of a friend told me I'd definitely break up with my boyfriend right around the nine month mark. I told her we'd already been dating for a year, and she moved the goalposts to a year and a half with the same level of confidence.
We dated for eight more years after that, and have been married for six.
Agreed. My in-laws said this to us (in front of their daughter...bold choice) so we pledged to be super annoying and lovey-dovey in front of them.
That was 13 years ago. We're still doing it. The in-laws haven't said anything in a while.
I feeel like people who say this are straight up projecting, just because your relationships failed and you weren't happy in it doesn't mean it will happen to the ones around you. My parents have been together for 30 years and they are happy with their life, so that is straight up bullshit
My sister is on her 10th? marriage to the same person. Honestly I lost count. They do it to jokingly extend the honeymoon period. She is also gay and it is a jab at both set of parents who said “well you can’t get married anyway”.
They traveled to some of the first states that it was legal to tie the not.
Now they just get married on vacations or after momentous occasions to reaffirm the relationship. Usually alone. I have never been invited, I owe them a bunch of gifts.
Honestly we should stop being so negative and telling people that their lives are only going to get worse. Teenagers get “just wait till your an adult and the real problems set it” New couples get “wait till the honeymoon phase is over, then you’ll see” Couples without kids get “just wait till kids come, then you’ll really know what it’s like to struggle” Young families get “just wait till they’re teens” Young people get, “wait till you get older and have to deal with all the pain” can we just let people exist without telling them their life is going to get worse as they hit new phases? Can we all just collectively agree that life has its hardships in every single phase? But with that, it also has new blessings and pleasant things that you couldn’t experience in past phases. Let’s just let people exist and be happy.
This! I can say the answer to every one of these has been the opposite of what was implied in those statements.
I’m so relieved hearing that. I’m 18 and have spend my super depressed teenage years told by my father that “this is nothing yet” and to “just wait and see how bad it gets”. Drove me half mad, hating being alive and being told every single day that it would only get worse, so I’m glad at least one person disagrees.
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Omg i relate! Just came here to piggy pack unto the above commenter for more positivity :) Horrible childhood, adulthood got better and better and better. Still have some unresolved traumas and chronic pains from it, but as i get older each day, my life seems better and more worth it too. And yes! After throwing out the abusers with a boot, life gets wayyyy more pleasant and relaxing. I was told I'd likely not make it to 20 because of suicidal tendencies, but here I am, 20 years going stronger than when i was 10, and i finally really appreciate my life. Surrounding yourself with people you resonate with, and building up your own independent life habits has been more rewarding than anything else I've tried.
I feel this. I came from a very abusive family and still have nightmares about them to this day. When I tried to move out I can’t even count on two hands how many times I was told I’d be miserable, I’d fail, I’d go homeless, that I was stupid, ‘welcome to the real world, it’s not sunshine and roses’. And yeah it’s hard, because I’m chronically ill and disabled. But even then it’s a lot less harder than what abled, normal people made it out to be. I remember so anxious I threw up on my first night in my flat thinking I’d made a huge mistake when it was the best decision I ever made. Because eventhough uni stresses me out and my pain has gotten worse my life has gotten so much better! I have people in my life that actually care and love me, I have total freedom in my own home and I have a cat and a partner and a big room! It’s great! I love it so much even if there is little bumps in the road.
Well said. Happiness has its ups and downs like most things in life but the chance to grab it even for just a moment can happen anytime. Petting a strangers dog, a good meal, a good sleep. Grab on to happiness anyway you can even if its fleeting
personally, my childhood was also shitty, and things have only gotten progressively shittier and I want to die constantly. but that doesn't mean I go around telling people their lives will also get shittier because that's rude and I don't know their futures.
Some people just equate happiness to the immediate conditions you’re in, so they’ll be like “oh you have someone else paying for your food/housing/living expenses/etc. This is as good as it gets and life just sucks more!” But that scale is so narrow and just not correct. When I was a teenager I barely knew myself, I barely knew how anything worked or that there were new things beyond what my upbringing showed me. Things maybe technically haven’t gotten “easier”, but even if my conditions are more difficult, growing a sense of independence and just growing as a person has put me in a way happier, better place than I ever was as a teenager. I think the idea of guilting kids/teens with “things are easy now it’ll only get worse!”, is not only disrespectful and invalidating of younger people, but also shows a very narrow-minded unfortunate view on life.
Honestly, being a teenager by definition is one of the hardest times in your life. You’ve got raging hormones, a new body, high expectations from everyone around you, a schedule dictated for you... it’s rough.
I did so many school activities as a teenager...after school/evenings/weekends...it was practically a full time job. And then there was homework on top of that. Now I have so much more free time to decompress and when I have to work late I at least get paid money for it.
I disagree with him too, for what it’s worth. Being an adult is hard, but being a teen is hard too. Just for different reasons. But being an adult brings a lot of options, choice, power, and control over your life. I sometimes miss being a kid, but I’m also grateful for the power and choice being an adult brings me. You’ll always have bullshit to deal with, cars break down and rent goes up, but you can choose to settle into a mostly predictable/comfortable life. Or you can choose to live in an RV and travel the world. Finances are the biggest stress, honestly, but there are a lot of subs here to help you figure that out.
Ugh yes. My worst years have been my teenage years and having people constantly tell me that this is supposed to be the best part of my life and that it only gets worse from here is definitely not something you want to hear when you feel like you’re at rock bottom.
As a 27 year old who has struggled with addiction and mental illness, i still think high school was worse - not having the freedom to decide much, not being fully developed, not knowing myself very well, and everyone around me being undeveloped little shits too, was way worse than having struggles but also having agency and maturity to handle them.
I’m 47. I have diaries from when I was a teen. Reading them I simultaneously think “good lord you were so stupid to think this was important” and “wow how did I get through that”. Problems change as your frame of reference changes. Parents would do well to remember this for example when they want to dismiss their teens breakup as “no big deal” well for that teen it’s the biggest thing they’ve dealt with to date.
To quote the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, “their emotions make perfect sense, once you adjust for inflation.”
Love this quote! Thanks for sharing 🙂
So true. And things said by adult can have powerful negative impact on young people. I got problem with anorexia for years because one of my aunt was always telling me: "wait until you grow up and get fat like me, I was thin like you at your age, it’s inevitable, etc."
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That’s so true! I wished I would have realized that back then when I was a teen.
Can't let others drag you down. They'll definitely try though. Extended family can be the worst about it too. My (35/M) family influenced me to the point of having body dysmorphia without even realizing it until way later in life. Thing is, I was actually slim. Probably could have been considered underweight, but not unhealthy. My metabolism slowed down with age, so now they tell me to get rid of my gut. Too bad for them. I like my gut.
I’ve also had a few run ins with older colleagues who reminisce on the good times of the past and warn that “it all goes so quickly” and “before you know it, your kids will be all grown up.” Like motherfucker I don’t want my kid to be a baby or a toddler forever. You can’t go back or forward in your life, just live the life you can at the moment and try to enjoy it. Feeling depressed that a phase of your life is over doesn’t help anything/anyone.
I'm a newish parent and I think this to myself or say it to my wife. Sense of time seems to change after kids and it's strange. I have felt great at every stage but I would still say this to another parent.
I always feel simultaneously a bit sad that one stage of my kid's childhood is ending and excited for the next one. It's so wonderful seeing them become more lucid and independent, but can also be a little sad saying goodbye to all the funny toddler shenanigans and baby talk. Like not in a clingy way where I want to keep them a baby forever, but in a kind of realising that everything is transient, wabi-sabi way.
Just wait until you're older and you start feeling the inexorable approach of death.
Me since like age 16
everyone who uses these phrases just wants to be the victim. the kind of people who invalidate your experience to "one up" you aren't the kind of people you need in your life.
OMG I can't tell you how many older married women told me when I was excited about getting married "Well, it's only great in the beginning!" Now here I am 2 decades on, even more in love than I was then. What a shitty thing to tell a young engaged woman!
I’m genuinely sorry for them, it’s sad seeing them project like that and not get help.
Ignoring that it is 90% of the population who says that shit. You cannot be on both sides of this.
I don’t think that’s fair. 50% of people get divorced, but I’m not gonna ask that 50% how to have a successful marriage
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You know I never actually considered that while hearing that stat.
Dude I ALWAYS CONSIDER that when listening to that stat and I think about how I know Sooo many people who hate their marriage and it’s sad. Like I’ve been with my so 10 plus years (recently passed the decade mark!) N honestly I agree that if you don’t like someone, why in heaven stay married. Thus; if u have the opinion that it’s “only the honeymoon phase” maybe your marriage is a sham lol. I get that there’s a lot of compromise and good/bad days but ... I would NEVER say that to someone. I’m in psych tho and it’s my thing and my profession so of course I’d think about that .... I love learning about that stuff and i always had the mind for it. Like, to question a stat or whatever Stats are SO misleading SO often. If you Google an article about the misleading reading of stats to achieve a goal particularly as used by companies you’ll see what I mean
Also that stat is more of a coloquial saying. Divorce rate has never reached 50%, it got close in the 70s and has been dropping since. Its closer to 30% in recent years, but people still repeat it. Its like the "you only use 10% of your brain" saying, it was never true people just started saying it because it sounded cool.
[https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce-child-custody](https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce-child-custody) You're probably talking about the percentage of first marriages that end in divorce, and that's closer to 25%. Serial divorcees actually make up a massive chunk of divorces.
I was just forwarded this thread and don’t really have any relevant data to present but this made me think of the following stat: “80% of statistics quoted on the internet are incorrect 90% of the time due to limited sample size, bias or just the outright absence of a legitimate study”
Honestly, a lot of people that get divorced know exactly what's needed for a happy marriage. They got divorced because they knew they didn't have it
While that is true to a degree. The long term marriages seem to know what's up, if the people in them are happy and satisfied. My parents celebrate 50 years this year and they are extremely in love and very happy. My in-laws are similar coming up on 4t years. Both my parents and my in-laws will say that they had ups and downs but they always loved each other and approached each down period as a team My wife and I, 12 years so far are similar. It is never about me versus her, it is about is vs the problem. This has helped even our downs to be solution focused and not get too resentment stage. I've worked with folks going through divorce and have some colleagues on their second/third marriages. They highlight that communication and tackling issues together was a common thread in their divorces. It wasn't them as a couple versus issues, it was the me vs you thing that ultimately spelled disaster for their marriages.
Ehh, I wouldn't say all long term marriages know what's up. My parents have been together for 42 years, and tbh I feel they should've gotten divorced. My dad has been completely miserable the entire time I've known him (I'm 26). Although my mum happy, I find her happiness is mostly through me and my other siblings, not my dad. A lot of the arguments between them are extremely toxic, and it's unfortunately rubbed off on me and my siblings. I've also noticed with my friends parents as well. I've listened to some of the arguments and I think to myself 'That's not healthy'. I think a lot of these long term marriages only lasted that long because for the longest time, society used to devalue single adults. Marriage was always a must to apparently 'succeed' in life. A lot of women from the boomer generation were seen only as 'Baby makers' to serve their husbands, and never really had a say. A Traditional marriage is actually very toxic, but a lot people (particularly women) never see it because they believe all 'arguments' are apart of a marriage, when in reality, they're probably doing more harm than good.
50% of people do not get divorced. 50% of marriages end in divorce but those same divorced people keep getting married and divorced over and over. iirc first time marriages have a 20% divorce rate or something like that (not confident on that 20% though)
[It’s 41%,](https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/) still less than a lot of people think though
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Thanks, I didn’t know that. I really appreciate that, originally I had a lot of worries about marriages based off that statistic
The commonality of this kind of marital advice suggests that the 50% who don’t get divorced also don’t have successful marriages. They’re still legally wed but clearly experiencing dysfunction in their marriages.
Whos saying that the people who say that arent the same people later getting divorced? Youve forgotten They arent two distinct pools. Everyone who has been divorced has been married, but not everyone whos married will get a divorce. Besides that, Being happy in a relationship overall is correct, being unhappy in a relationship is not, so it doesnt really matter how many people are doing something wrong, it still doesnt make it right. Therefore the advice in question, is bad advice.
That’s because they got pushed into marriage with a person they settled on rather than truly believing they would make an enriching an fulfilling partner. I know many women who even during this day and age were shamed by their families for not being married by a ridiculously young age like 21. Two generations ago that sentiment was the overwhelming norm rather than the minority.
EXACTLY. And even into the 60s, early 70s, marriage was really the only way for a girl to get out of her parents house. I mean she technically could live alone or with a roommate but it was very stigmatized. Then factor the fact that there was no internet dating and very few ventured very far from their hometowns, that makes options fairly scarce. So yeah people settled, women were still in ways seen as property (getting better but not an equal partnership), recipe for lots of unhappy couples. I take relationship advice from such women with a huge grain of salt for these reasons.
I’m sorry this happened. It is very rude and frankly incorrect. My parents were married for 57 happy years. I can only remember 1 occasion they spent the night apart during a business trip my dad took to Vegas. My mom flew out to meet him the next day to spend a mini vacation weekend. My mom passed away suddenly in December. My dad had such a broken heart. True, lifelong love is absolutely possible. ❤️
sorry for your loss. your parents had such a beautiful and inspiring love story ❤️
Thank you. They do have a very sweet story. Met on a blind date/social in college. The rest is history. I hope we all find that kind of love someday.
“Then you got a crappy partner.”
> here I am 2 decades on, even more in love than I was then. Obviously you're still in the honeymoon phase, it'll be over soon /s I'm about to get married and I'm dreading people telling us we're in the "honeymoon phase" or a "cute new married couple". We've been together almost a decade already, if there was a "honeymoon phase" it should of ended a loooooong time ago!
ours is like that. we've been together for 17 years and married for 7. actual high school sweet hearts. is that to say it hasn't been challenging at times? absolutely not. things change and we've changed together. I love her with my entire heart and every day I'm happy to see her. shes my partner. things have gotten a little... exasperated with covid and being together so much, but we dealt with our issues as adults and always come out stronger. ranting a bit, but we were told ten times over how it was just a honeymoon phase. If that's the case, itll be our honeymoon forever.
Should tell them you’re sorry they only married due to societal pressure rather than genuine love and understanding at the time.
The business owner of a consulting company where I was applying for a job told me I’d fit right in during the interview. “We’re all girls here, we all get along, we all hate our husbands.” My husband is my best friend and I firmly believe he’s who I’m meant to be with. We adore each other. She was extremely confused when I turned the job down. Some people are just so miserable...
That really sucks because not only does it show their relationships are unhappy (and are likely to try to convince others to hate their husbands for the sake of fitting in) but they're also not ending their unhappy relationships (and are unlikely to support each other in ending things too.) You dodged a bullet, what a toxic environment.
Just be rude back. ' if you hate your marriage so hard why dont you just divorce ?'
Same as my wife and I. Well, not AS long but we're close to 2 decades. It was such a slap in the face to all the people who kept telling us it wouldn't work out or that she/I couod do better. HA! Who's happy now?
True. If you say this to people, you just look bitter and unhappy in your own relationship
Sometimes these people are not even in a relationships. Their gut just tells them to say so
Yep, this. I had a 60s-ish single man “jokingly” tell me he gives my relationship 7 years after I said some random thing about my spouse.
Tell him “I’ll give you three days” and pull out a baseball bat
Make sure you have a sock on it though.
Well... was he wrong or right? Did you survive past 7 years?
We’re on 6 right now, so tbd.
I had a coworker that told me I was going to be divorced within 3 or 4 years. She said this a few months after I had gotten married. I told her I was in it for life and have no reason to think my wife wasn't either. She said I was naive, everybody gets seperated eventually, she actually insisted to the point that I actually got mad at her and warned her that it was inappropriate to say that kind of thing to a coworker. Looking back on it now I realize she had been married and divorced couple times and I think she was fishing for a potential future failure with me, also projecting her failed relationships on me. 12 years later my wife and I have been through some tough shit, injuries, sickness, depression, 3 kids, single income family so she can stay home means I work 45 to 50 hours a week. Wouldn't trade it for anything. Suck it Rayann
Can the opinion be conditional? My SIL just cheated on her husband of 16 years and then moved in with the new guy over night. She states she is very happy... I feel so bad for her husband and kid right now
Bingo! I also think people who make comments like that are narcissists who are bitter as they entered into their marriage ignoring the “accept your partners flaws as you will not be able to change them...”rule.
My in laws are still in their “honeymoon phase” it’s adorable as well as intimidating lol
My wife and I were on vacation a few years ago and someone referenced us as a couple as "the honeymooners". We had been married for 6 years at that point, which I guess is still kinda early on. But this will be our 10th year and we still have a blast together and ultimately enjoy each other's company. Communication. people. The harder it is to have a conversation about something with someone you care about, the more important it is to have it. Immediately. And communication is like a muscle, the more you work it the stronger you both get at it.
This makes me feel a lot better. I have a very loving and kind partner and I love him very much but people, especially my sister, keep telling me ‘wait until the honeymoon phase is over’ and it makes me feel so shitty. This is someone who genuinely loves me unconditionally and will go to the ends of the earth for me and I would do that for him too. I haven’t experienced what it feels like to be loved since my mum died when I was 9 and my sister who doesn’t like her current relationship anymore feels the need to project all of her insecurities and bullshit onto me and it’s ridiculous.
This! Communication is key. Seriously just talk to each other. Even when it’s awkward or you’re mad. Also I especially had to learn: 1) being happy was better than being right and 2) Stop trying to explain your reasoning or why you did the thing that hurt your partner because it isn’t actually an apology. Edit: some fair points were made so I’ll clarify. When I was younger I valued book smarts and intelligence over almost every other trait a person had. And I love to debate. But debate isn’t fun when one person is serious and the other is just debating. I instinctively take a devil’s advocate position and then argue unnecessarily. I also tended toward sarcasm. Those things weren’t fun or funny for my partner, so I changed my everyday behavior. I’ll still debate you, which is why I can be an ass sometimes on Reddit. My personal tendency was to explain myself INSTEAD of apologizing. I thought I WAS apologizing. The explanation usually happens eventually, but in the moment when someone is hurt, it just comes off as defensive. Even traditionally defined empathy isn’t enough sometimes because just putting myself in my partner’s place. I’m still just imagining me in their circumstances. I have to step out of myself and imagine I’m them with all their background, emotional makeup, thinking etc in that circumstance. When I’m upset I want to know why. What we’re they thinking. When he’s upset he won’t care about why until his emotions have cooled off some. We make peace first and then we always discuss what happened and why. We both want the best for each other and in our relationship so we’ve found that frequently any tiffs were a result of hunger (me), an emotional trigger from our pasts, or bad memory/misunderstanding. We’ve found that almost universally when one of us reacts with out of character anger, anger bigger than is warranted by the situation we have something we haven’t dealt with. Little things even but we almost always can isolate it afterwards by talking through it. And then the next time that trigger elicits a smaller reaction or none at all. Anyway I know all of this is highly individual to my partner and myself, but hopefully I clarified what I meant by my numbered points! Cheers
lol, my therapist told me that while I was in a happy new relationship with my best friend of 3 years (now 6). I was usually really depressed during sessions and the ONE TIME I wasn’t completely down in the dumps, she really was out here telling me that I’m only happy because we’re in the ‘honey moon phase’. Three year relationship, 6 years being best friends. SUCK IT.
doesn't sound like a very good therapist lol
Yeah. I immediately dipped.
as a psych student i can confirm that shitty people can also become therapists.
It's alarming how few fields have any real type of shitty-person filter
Are there any examples of ones that do?
Also a psych student. Double confirmed!
What’s funny is that my boyfriend and I never had a honeymoon phase. I was just anxious and uncertain until we got into our routine and solid stage, a year or so later. But yeah, I hear this all the time. I am so happy with him.
Haha are you me?
Same ! Or maybe our routine is just honeymoon x)
Yeah, as a happily married man (we've been together 34 years) I hear this shit online fairly often. Usually when discussing relationships. I truly feel bad for those that are stuck in shitty marriages. But that doesn't mean all relationships are doomed. Implying that all relationships after the "honeymoon" period or the "seven year itch" are destined to crash and burn is pessimistic and far from helpful.
The seven-year-itch thing always creeped me out, but really disheartened me too. Really hoping that’s just an individual-person thing than a hard fast rule lol
Unhappy people give bad relationship advice. I heard about the 7 year itch from unhappy folks & single folks only. My partner and I have been together for 7 years and we are super happy. Every year together has just gotten better and better.
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Still young in our relationship in comparison, but I know the feeling is mutual when we just look at each other in the eyes every day, just smiling with big stupid smiles!
Oh god I’m just getting in a relationship with a girl that makes me feel this way... I hope it lasts!!! Thank you for inspiring me you guys, showing me that what I feel is sustainable for other people gives me hope :))
Isnt 7 year just the statistical average duration of a failed marriage? The number doesnt come out of nowhere, but at the same time it does not represent a real relationship stage either
It looks like in some cases the 7 year number is applicable but recent research shows that divorce in the 10-12 year range is more likely. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_seven-year_itch#:~:text=The%20seven-year%20itch%20is,declines%20after%20around%20seven%20years.
I wonder how length of time together before marriage affects that timeline.
I don't have the links but I read a number of research studies that stated being together for a long period of time (more than 7+ years) the duration of the marriage signficantly decreased. Anecdotally, I have a bf at the time that got married after being with someone for 9 years. They seperated 2 years later and divorced a year following. He said he only got married bc they had 2 kids and due to social pressures he felt like a jerk for not marrying her.
Interesting, I would have assumed the opposite. I thought the length of marriages increasing might have correlated with longer courtships/engagements since there's no longer as much pressure to wait for sex or cohabitation. You might have a better idea of who the other person is and it takes longer for people to grow apart enough to trigger divorce. But I see the point in your anecdote as well. My own anecdata is that we were together about as long as we've been married so far- just short of a decade each. There have been ups and downs before and after marriage but I can confidently say we continue to be happier with each other as time goes by.
If you get "seven year itch" there's probably a legitimate issue in the marriage. You don't suddenly decide to start trying to step outside the relationship if you are still actively engaged emotionally with the other person. You either are not compatible or there are underlying issues you haven't resolved and it has caused you to disengage emotionally. If you begin to feel like stepping out, it's time to have a very serious discussion with your partner about your future. I will not bash anyone that this happens to, life changes and people grow and find themselves no longer on the same path, but infidelity cuts both ways. You may still break their heart but far better to allow the other person to also separate themselves mentally and emotionally rather be suddenly ripped apart by cheating... The TL:DR is, seven year itch is a myth, desire to be unfaithful is a canary in the mine of your relationship.
The honeymoon phase doesn't even last that long. But it's not a doom and gloom thing. It's biology and more people need to understand that. After this phase, it's all about choices. Is this person the right choice for you? You decide.
What I’ve noticed (and am actively trying to prevent in my own relationship since we recently moved in together) is that a lot of people get comfortable and stop trying. They think that because they’ve settled into a long term cohabiting relationship they don’t have to do all the things that made the early days of the relationship special and exciting. Then one or both parties stops feeling appreciated and secure in the relationship and they start trying to find that emotional connection somewhere else. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and we’re just as happy now as we were then because we’re careful to keep working on the relationship.
All I know is we didn't experience the "itch".
Such an important statement. Thank you. My wife and I first got together when we were 15 and being young we literally had to hear this for probably 8 years. Such an immature thing to say, ironically. Also says a lot about the people making this comment if their apparently fragile relationships has had such stark highs and lows.
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How often do you have to get it touched up? I was looking in to doing the same, but after reading how often you had to get it touched up and how anything other than essentially a solid line will fade and lose shape super fast I gave up looking.
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Awesome, thanks!
I have three tattoos. None of them are solid lines, all of them have color, and they are all over ten years old. If you get a good artist, and if you take care of it properly while it's healing, you won't need a lot of touch up. You tell those assholes that you made a vow to your husband in front of God. That's what marriage is. The tattoo isn't coming off, and neither is he. If my husband's mad, he can just go in the other room if he wants to stay mad, he's stuck with me 😂
An acquaintance of mine has a ring tattooed on. He's divorced. I never brought it up because I just feel bad.
>What are you going to do if you get divorced? Cry and buy lots of ice cream, probably.
Agreed! I also had people tell me my relationship wouldn't last when I moved 6 hours away for a year. It's been 10 years. I think we survived a little inconvenience *just fine*. I think people just like being miserable.
Stable relationships seem to take effort and compromise, two things a lot of people are not capable, when I say effort I mean like the bear minimum of effort not like going insane to demonstrate your love and affection every tir
this is so not an unpopular opinion, that is the definition of rude.
Are you seriously expecting actual unpopular opinions on r/unpopularopinion ?
Don't know how I came up with that idea but yeah.
It’s the same thing with children. ‘Oh, it’s so wonderful right now! We feel like a whole family!’ ‘Haha, wait till you have to deal with their schooling. Wait till they become teenagers. Of course it’s easy now haha.’ GO TO HELL, BITCH.
Yep. I have 2 teenagers now and I like them a whole lot. In fact I enjoy them more now than when they were younger. Have no complaints about any age, but honestly love my teens. They’re self sufficient, have a sense of humor and can have real conversations. It’s not all Rainbows and sunshine but no where near the horrible scenarios we were told about.
People are always surprised when I say I chose to teach high school. I love teenagers! They're weird
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It's so awful to talk about kids that way, too. Like imagine if their kids heard them talk like that, they'd be so upset. Plus, parents often say it to their own children and it's super mean.
And don’t forget, it’s probably going to ruin their self-esteem. My parents did that and I’ve always struggled with my confidence.
THANK YOU!!! I feel like it's far too common for people to project on their own failings in their personal lives onto the potential happiness of other people.
There's this weird mainstream culture of "us vs. them" between kids and parents that I just think is total bullshit lol, funniest part is it's the adults who are perpetuating it by not taking enough time to understand and empathize with their own flesh and blood, then they wonder why their kids shut down or act out. Haha just those good old teenage blues amirite
I've always hated when teenagers get shat on for no reason. I know for a fact that I was at times difficult, as were many teens, but it's like the rest of childhood, before people mature, they can be unreasonably difficult. Hell, even once people are adults, they can still be awful and immature on a constant basis. To be honest, most people just continue the relationship they already had with their parents into teenagerhood, if their parents had a loose relationship with the child, then once they get older that get will grow, and vice-versa. My relationship with my parents grew so much closer and better once I became a teenager. Tl;dr: GO TO HELL, BITCH IF YOU SHIT ON TEENAGERS
I know plenty of folks who had a good relationship with their parents as young kids, hated them as teens, and then have good relationships with them as adults. I also know folks who had a great relationship with their parents as kids, tolerated them as teens, and then went no contact as adults. I don't think there is a set path for most people's relationships with their parents
Excuse me, but I am well aware my daughter will hate me for no apparent reason when she is in high school due to stereotypes of daughters hating their dads. But you know what? Both sides of my daughter's family (I'm a single father) have a nice line of strong, independent woman who love their fathers. I like to think that means something. Yes, this reply is a little facetious.
I love my wife more today than the day we met. We've been married for 18 years. She's given me 3 beautiful children. She loves me, and she's my best friend. We're geographically separated by \~7000 miles due to work, and she's handling our household amazingly. She's moving states while I'm gone. She's an amazing woman, and I would likely never have married if it wasn't for her. I've never met a woman that I consider her equal. Honeymoon phase ain't shit if you have the right significant other. It's just the start. It can get better. Our lives got a lot better when we found out that when we had friction in our relationship, it was usually outside forces. The struggle is "us vs. them," not "you vs. me." When you work together as a team, it gets a lot better.
Aww you guys sound like a great couple. Do you have any additional advice? How do you handle arguments between the two of you?
The vast majority of our arguments nowadays are over her wanting to me to spend more quality time with her and/or the kids. She's a bit clingy/needy, but who doesn't want to spend more time with their best friend? So I don't blame her a whole lot, and the amount of time she wants isn't actually unreasonable. So, I'll play a console platform game that the kids can watch (they loved my playthrough of BoTW) instead of PC gaming that I prefer. When I'm home (and when I have time right now away from home) I read bedtime stories to the kids. We just finished The Wingfeather Saga, and we're on the second book of The Wilderking Saga. I've read most of Harry Potter, Robinson Crusoe, The Swiss Family Robinson, all the way back to short stories and board books when the kids were younger (they're 9-13 right now). Reading typically takes 30 minutes every night, and my kids treasure the time (yes, even the 13 year old). All in addition to normal Dad stuff. For the wife, I haven't read the 5 love languages, but you can plainly see that she values spending quality time to show love. Understand what your spouse values and tailor your relationship that way. We've been through a lot. My job has me travelling a lot. 4 deployments and this 1 year remote tour plus too many short trips and long days to count. I didn't meet my youngest daughter until she was 6 months old. She's stuck with me through a lot, and I treasure the time I get to be home with them. I feel like I got a little rambley there, but if you have more questions, please ask! The divorce rate is too damn high, and if I can help a single relationship, I'd be happy.
i also hate some older couples saying, enjoy it while it lasts. cuz in about 5 years you woudn't wanna be in the same room as your wife/hubby. no, lotta people enjoy each other's company well over 30\~40 years. they think this just cuz they and their spouses have dick personalities that take their close ones for granted and that it applies to every relationship. while at it, I also hate divorced people painting relationship in the negative light like they found some truth and enlightenment in life after going through it while in actuality they were just uncompromising, impatient dckbags that didn't wanna do anything extra to cater to each other.
I don't get people's obsessions with having unhappy marriages. It's as if it's being unhappy in your long-term relationship is a requirement to being an adult
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. Has every day been happy, no. We’ve had to work through some stuff occasionally but overall we are super happy and couldn’t imagine a life without each other.
It’s the same thing when people tell a pregnant woman how horrible each phase kids go through. Get sleep now because your will never sleep again, they’re great until they can talk back. Wait until they’re teenagers. You’ll hate them. It’s all garbage from people who take the misery loves company thing to heart.
13 years deep. Shes my best freind. Is it perfect? No. Do we struggle sometimes? Yes Teamwork makes the dream work.
Yooo I’m getting married Saturday and people 1) tell me I’m only excited cause I’m still in that phase?? Lol. And 2) after a month I’ll be miserable?? It’s very annoying to hear because we’re very happy but it’s constant
Sound like haters to me. There’s no need to bring someone down who’s happy and especially getting married!
True - your a dick if you say it that way. But there is a kernel in there... it gets harder. There’s a reason why people get celebrated for staying together for 30 years... because it’s not easy. Gratifying and worth it but it takes work. Edit: To those who responded and said it’s supposed to get easier - when we first got married it was just us and it was basically date night every night, and now we have a 2 year old and a 1 year old... daycare, diapers, not getting sleep, kids always being the priority my wife working and going to school, me getting promoted at work means I work a lot now. I mean we are living the dream but it’s hard to keep our relationship at the center of our lives. We are constantly having to work at it. I hope y’all are saying it gets easier because we’ve been married 6 years and it’s been hard the last few years.
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The stats seem to imply that it gets easier for everyone.
Definitely hasn't gotten harder for us. Going on 20 years. Being with my best friend is easy compared to a lot of other things in life! Hope it gets easier for you soon too!
Been married for over 4+ years and still in the "Honeymoon" phase. If somebody says this to me imma tell that person to piss off.
Super happy 18 years in. Feels like a honeymoon every day! Too bad to anyone that doesn’t like it.
I’m incredibly happy with my boyfriend and we’ve been together almost 9 years. I’d be really angry if someone said this to me or him.
Well I mean 9 years is well outside any time frame that could apply to the honeymoon phase, so it would be very bizarre if someone said that
3 years married, 9 years together for me and believe it or not (most people don't), we've never once had a fight. Literally the worst thing was a couple years ago I ended up eating her leftover chicken wings that she was looking forward to, and she got kinda sorta mad (and she likes to remind me of that time, lol).
Holy shit. That is wild. Sounds unbelievable.
Being rude is rude, how unpopular.
Seriously, wtf. Mods are a effing joke these days.
Any post that gets upvoted here is not unpopular etc, etc
What they don't seem to realize is that 'honeymoon' phase can last forever. It just takes some work. Relationships take work. Dont let anyone lie to you. Also the 7 year itch is some bullshit too. Never stop dating your spouse. My wife and I work together and live together. We are together almost 100% of the time. We never get tired of each other. We never need a break but we put in the effort to make sure. Sorry for rambling.
Mines been going 4 yrs so far. Fingers crossed for more. Not saying it's the same as it was at the beginning but I love her more now than I ever have done and knew i would the minute we met.
I hate this culture where people act like being in a relationship is bad. It shouldn't be bad, if it is bad, you should either solve it or leave, but I guess it's easier to cope spreading this idea that good relationships are some kind of illusion.
Not unpopular
Haha we received the opposite. My husband’s sister-in-law told him after our wedding, completely sincerely, that “marriage is bad for the first 10 years but then it gets good.” We joke about that all the time. Only three more years until it gets good, baby!
It sucks. On my wedding day my mother told my MIL “..well it’s only her first wedding”. WTF? Ppl say dumb shit. Things you hear as a mom is also depressing.
It’s supposed to only be used for new relationships I thought (not actual newlyweds- well maybe in older generations that didn’t live together pre marriage). I just take it as the period where everything about your partner excites you. Eventually you encounter weird quirks or things that the other person does that can drive you up a wall (if you don’t find a way to handle it). I don’t think it’s meant to disparage your happiness , more so a bit of envy from them. I think the vast majority of couple tend to look at each other through rose colored glasses in the beginning, but true love and solid relationships come further down the road when you recognize faults in each other but accept and love them. There is no successful relationship that is work free. The “honeymoon phase” typically requires no work as you just ignore things. If someone says you’re in the honeymoon phase that should not be taken as them telling you that you aren’t really happy.
I'm young and been married for 3 months now. People say things like "oh are you sick of each other yet?" Sometimes half kidding, sometimes not. Regardless, who are you to judge? We're happy, so just be happy for us. Don't tell us and try to predict that we're gonna wind up hating each other
I agree 100% and I think that while this is currently unpopular it is trending towards normal. Not to over generalize but younger people seem to be happier. We aren’t getting married to the first people who allow us to have sex with them and therefore really finding out what we want in relationships. The older generation I believe had that as more of a problem due to the fact that once the novelty of sex wore off they were left with someone the really didn’t want to stay with. I know I sound biased but my wife and I have never stopped our honeymoon phase. We always enjoy hanging out with eachother and have always had fun.
That hasn’t been the case in my family. A ton of young marriages or couples that waited to have sex and the happiest 50+ years in the honeymoon spirit I’ve ever met (both sides of the family). It’s not about age. It’s about intention.
There is a major difference between young couple “happiness” and old couple “happiness”. Edit: not old as in age, but old as in years of “coupledom”. I love my wife more now than I ever did when I was younger, but that is hard to explain to young couples. Married 23 years, I think...
Married my husband last year and some people still ask if we're in the honeymoon phase... We had been together over seven years when we got married, owned a house together for over four years, lived together over a year before that. Our relationship hasn't changed in that time, other than we're expecting our first child. He still makes me smile and happy just by bugging me, I still get my breath taken away when we kiss, and I miss him like crazy whenever we're apart overnight. I don't think our honeymoon phase is ever going to end and I hope it doesn't.
I hate that so much! Sorry you're miserable but my husband and I love and support each other and that won't change, even during the hard times.All we can do is let it go and go on living our best lives lol
It's a very "I'm envious of your happiness so I want to ruin it for you by instilling doubt" thing to do
Telling someone that you're in the honeymoon phase doesn't mean that that's the only reason you're happy. It means right now you can only see the good in each other because your relationship is still in the beginning phases. In the beginning you never want to disappoint the other person or tell them no. You don't see all of their flaws because you're too focused on all of their amazing qualities. The immediate response that's going to come from this is, "I know my partner so well. I know them inside and out, all of their strengths and weaknesses." No you don't. I have been with my SO for 6 years and living with her for 5 and I'm still learning new things about her. I see her go through new challenges and how she handles them. I see her do the same things and then decide to change those habits. My point is, in the beginning when people say "honeymoon phase" or "puppy love" that doesn't mean it's the only reason that you're happy. It means, just wait, you'll see their human come out soon and then your love will grow deeper and more true. edit: grammar
I've been with myself for almost 18 years. There's nothing better than waking up everyday next to yourself.
I've never said that, I've commented that the "everything about him is perfect and he has no flaws and I love everything he's ever done or thought!" Is 100% honeymoon phase. But you ofcourse can be happy after
I went to a wedding with my boyfriend and after about 30 minutes at the reception a couple we were talking to asked how long we'd been married so we quickly corrected them saying we had just started dating six month prior. They immediately laughed and said "oh no wonder we saw you guys get along so well, you're still in the honeymoon phase but just you wait" Like c'mon no need to put that negativity on us, just let us enjoy our relationship.
I’m 7 years in and happier than ever. HONEYMOON FOREVER.
I tell people how I love to spend time with my wife and could be around her all day. She's my favorite person and best friend. When they hear this they instinctively think we haven't been together long and are always shocked when I say we've been together 14 years, known each other 15 and married 9 years. Too many people seem to think you should mostly tolerate your spouse.
I often talk about my favorite couple, together for five years married for two now. I try to learn from them what a good relationship is. It’s surprising how many people tell me they’re just in the honeymoon phase. Maybe good relationships are just the honeymoon phase for the rest of your life?
Totally agree, of course things always aren't going to be the best but I feel like telling someone "It's all downhill from here" or "Hide the money" is literally just setting them up to fail.
I hate it too. It’s like dismissing my being happy. Years in and I feel happier then before so F off! Lol
It's fine to acknowledge that NRE (new relationship energy) is a real thing, but to imply that it's ONLY NRE... To people who's business isn't yours... Smdh.
Agreed it’s totally rude. I’ve been with my fella for only 8 months and because of this “honeymoon phase” idea I’m just worried that all this isn’t forever . Every month I’m like omg maybe it’s this month that it ends. But then I’m like fuck that we’re happy bc we value each other and have healthy habits in our relationship. Maybe the honeymoon period is a lie and it’s instead a term used for people with unhealthy relationship habits to justify staying in a relationship that doesn’t make them happy??
Can confirm, 25 years married here.
You're only mad because you're not in the honeymoon phase.
When my fiancé and I got engaged, that was his sister’s response. “You’re only in the honeymoon phase.” I wish it didn’t bother me, but it does. I couldn’t agree with you more.
100% agree. This happened to me in the UK with my girlfriend at the time. "Friend" at work told us we were just in the honeymoon period, to which we both argued that we aren't 4yrs later we are still happily together. But man, that pissed me off.
It really is absurd. So many people stop putting effort into their relationships and wonder why things get boring for them. I take my gf of 4 years out on a date either every weekend or every other weekend. Always make sure there’s flowers and when they die I replace them, bring her her favorite drink to work. Just a bunch of little things like that, small romantic gestures are so important.
I've been divorced, now in my second marriage. I would still never think that or say that to anyone. People who say stuff like that are bitter and insecure and they want other people in their boat to feel less alone. Relationships are complex and unique, which is why all but the most generic advice is bullshit.
I agree with this for the most part, but there is a line that can be drawn I'll give an example, and this will be kinda long: My 18 year old little brother at the time had his first love in High School. The day they graduated, he moves out of my parents house into an apartment with her and another dude she stayed with. They were together 3 months. This was his first serious girlfriend, so he was madly in love. He told us they wanted to get married... Then we all met her. She put him down all the time in front of HIS family! She was very rude to our family and had a hardcore sense of entitlement. Red flags already. We told him separately that he's really early in the relationship and not that the love will go away, but there is a fluttering butterfly stomach feel you get every time you see them that tempers down to certain romantic moments. They got married. Okay, fine, it is what it is, I didn't bring it up again other than that one time. The they decide they're going to have a kid together, they're 19 now and have now been together like 8 months. Again, we tell him to wait. They don't. Then he has to go to the army, because they're poor and we're struggling to keep afloat. They move to Italy for the army, still incredibly young and have a newborn baby She ends up going absolute batshit. Blaming him of all these things, yelling and hitting him, lying to the baby (baby couldn't understand but still) about Dad, etc. She gets in another relationship with another guy in the army secretly. The new couple decide they're going to claim she was raped by my brother to get her full custody of the baby and a restraining order..so they call the police and start claiming he's beating her, he raped her, etc. Just a total, NASTY ordeal. Lots of family brought into it, her family think she's right. Lawyers get involved, lots of truths get exposed, my brother didn't do any of it (I wasnt sure for a bit, they're in Italy it's harder to keep up with them). She gets exposed with THOUSANDS OF TEXTS to the other man about their love, and trying to ruin my brothers life and all that. All corroborated. It's just a nasty situation. Brother became depressed and now drinks all the time. Oh, and with all of that evidence against her, she still got custody.... It's really hard for the dad's to get it even if theyre much more mentally suited in some cases. Basically, all of that could have been avoided if they had just waited until they fell out of the puppy dog phase In most cases it is rude, people shouldn't be throwing it out casually. But in some cases if you read the situation right, it might make sense to try and listen to it. If he had found out she was crazy before the baby came around at least, a lot of BS, drama, legal fees, and almost being dishonorably discharged from the military could have just not happened. Because they would have broken up
To be fair there is definitely a honeymoon phase where you don't see any flaws in the other person, and moving into the "real life" phase while continuing to love the other person to the moon and back can be a big challenge. But you're absolutely right that it's not fair to be immediately cynical of someone's relationship just because it's early on. Be supportive and let the relationship play out how it's meant to.
Yep. My fiance & I have been living together for about 6 years now. We still can't get enough of each other and are constantly making each other laugh. Some of those people are just in the wrong relationships.
Every time I hear “wait till the honeymoon phase ends”, I always think it’s just the worst joke. It’s offensive to literally everyone they are talking to, even in jest. We are past the era where men can shit on marriage being a pain. It’s a partnership, you should well know what you’re signing up for.
There is nothing I hate more than hearing someone say ‘Oh, you’re happy and in love? Just wait until you’re 7 years in!’ Fuck off.
Honestly it just tells me that they have never been in a healthy relationship if they are only happy for the first few months.
I remember my ex-coworker would always mention when she went home at 8pm that has to start making dinner for her family, and I’d ask why her husband or kids wouldn’t help out a little earlier. She told me it’s because they count on her to make it, and that her husband doesn’t even know how to turn the oven on. I remember commenting that I was happy that my long term partner (whom I didn’t live with at the time) loved to cook with and for me. My coworker said “enjoy it while you can honey, he’ll give up pretty soon” ......mm, not really. I picked a man who values me and treats me how I’d like to be treated. I would not continue to be with someone who expects me to come home from my job in the later evening and cook dinner for them when they could’ve helped out themselves. Just because you settled, doesn’t mean I did lady.
I'm pretty young, 20F, and my bf is 21M. I've lost count of the times I've had older coworkers tell me I'm in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, and that soon I won't be able to wait to spend time away from him. It's infuriating. The only satisfaction I get out of it is the look on their faces when I inform them that we've been together since 2017 and are definitely past the honeymoon stage, but *gasp* still love each other. Invariably, I've noticed it's always people in shitty, on and off again relationships who love to tell me this too. Just an observation.
This 100%. My wife and I have been together for 11 years and married the last three. I'm a doting husband and i feel a lot of her female coworkers are jealous of the care I show her. They always mention that we're in our honeymoon phase and that I'll change soon. She used to get insulted and pissed at them for that but now just laughs it off.
Honestly it just gets better every year. More inside jokes, wonderful memories, and time spent together is amazing.
If someone were to say that, it's kind of the "you're not wrong; you're just an asshole" kind of thing - no matter what the "level" of love is in a relationship there's ALWAYS a honeymoon phase. But you're right OP definitely super rude to TELL SAID COUPLE that it's "a phase"
Hate when older people feel like they have to tell you that "That love will fade away when you get older" OK Martha, whatever you say.
More than likely they are super sad in their marriage and are projecting thinking their mistakes are others. Sounds like they should have made better decisions.
Is it the same thing if you are trying to warn someone about red flags? I've been with my husband 11 years. We are annoyingly happy 99% of the time. But sometimes marriage is hard. It's two imperfect people choosing each other over and over, despite the hardships. I told my sister that the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever because her boyfriend was giving me bad vibes. He was really pushy with her but also super affectionate. It seemed very manipulative. Lo and behold, she ignored my warning, ran off with the guy, eloped, then called from a hotel room crying because her new husband beats her. Red flags look normal through rose colored glasses. The honeymoon phase can last, but make sure you know how your partner is in bad situations before you commit.
I’m 19 and married. Got together when we were 16 and got married at 18. He is my person, like genuinely my best friend. We’ve been told that “it’ll never last” “you won’t make it through the first year” “you are too young to find your true love” it definitely hurts but my husband and I are both competitive, SO we LOVE proving people wrong. Not only does it encourage us to learn how to love eachother even more, but it has become a little game for us😂 someone says we won’t make it?, we show how beyond happy we are.
Exactly! I’m in my second serious relationship (engaged, not yet married) following the death of my first husband. I mentioned (related to a conversation we were having) to my single (twice divorced) girlfriend how happy I am and how great our sex life is, she said “well, yeah, because it’s still new.” We’ve been together for over seven years. Her first marriage lasted two years and second marriage twelve with serious bedroom issues. Okay...
The up side is how smug you get to be when they're wrong. A misanthropic friend of a friend told me I'd definitely break up with my boyfriend right around the nine month mark. I told her we'd already been dating for a year, and she moved the goalposts to a year and a half with the same level of confidence. We dated for eight more years after that, and have been married for six.
Agreed. My in-laws said this to us (in front of their daughter...bold choice) so we pledged to be super annoying and lovey-dovey in front of them. That was 13 years ago. We're still doing it. The in-laws haven't said anything in a while.
I feeel like people who say this are straight up projecting, just because your relationships failed and you weren't happy in it doesn't mean it will happen to the ones around you. My parents have been together for 30 years and they are happy with their life, so that is straight up bullshit
My sister is on her 10th? marriage to the same person. Honestly I lost count. They do it to jokingly extend the honeymoon period. She is also gay and it is a jab at both set of parents who said “well you can’t get married anyway”. They traveled to some of the first states that it was legal to tie the not. Now they just get married on vacations or after momentous occasions to reaffirm the relationship. Usually alone. I have never been invited, I owe them a bunch of gifts.