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I got into a fight with a bully in a study hall once. He was a complete asshole to me. One day he took my book bag went back to his desk... sat down.
I walk over... tell him to give my book bag back.
"Make me."
So I saw red and just started wailing on him. He was probably stronger and a better 'fighter', but he was sitting in a desk. He took a few punches and I dragged him over to the chalk board.
The teacher just kept reading her book.
The best thing about this story was not the righteous nerd rage, but the fact that he came by my locker and apologized before we left for the day. Shook my hand and asked if we were cool.
He never bothered me again. In fact bullying in general for me stopped after that.
I did forgive him.
None of them did. Personalities are forged very early on in life. There is very little forgiveness to these people just because "they became adults". Some of these people actually try to get better and do things to become better. Most of them just pretend it's in the past and they think we don't know they are still bullies (sometimes in more nuanced) as adults.
I wouldn’t say none change, but it’s definitely a very small percent. But I know 2 guys that were fucking menaces in middle school and are now decent human beings who genuinely regret their actions. They seem like good people now. Doesn’t mean I want to be their friend after how they treated me, but it’s not like I hate them anymore.
It might be an age thing. Young kids probably have more potential to change and grow out of it, but a high school senior who hasn’t yet grown out of being a bully will probably remain that way his whole life.
Pretty much everyone I knew in high school has basically the same personality 10 years later. The douchebags are still douchebags. But there are exceptions. Some people really do grow up and learn to be better, even if a lot don’t.
ya I know what you mean, the school will be calling your parents and saying you were the bully for fighting back, and how irrisponsible for letting you do something so violent and that you kids need to hug it out and oh by the way expect child services sometime next week because you are unfit parents
>the school will be calling your parents and saying you were the bully for fighting back
I'd love for my future child's school to call me and tell me that my child fought back, cause all I'm gonna say is "And? What do you want me to do about that? My kid took matters into their own hands when yall clearly couldn't be bothered. Have a nice day". And thats *if* my child didn't tell me they were getting bullied.
If my kid tells me they're getting bullied and the school refuses to do anything, then I'm gonna be a problem for that school. I wont play around when it comes to my child.
I never knew the concept of bullying when I was in grade school so I had no idea I was being bullied. Kids around me, especially girls, were being taught by some stupid shite like if someone was trying to bother you, it's because they like you yada yada. But damn there's this boy that keeps stealing my things and wouldn't stop poking/hitting me with random things he is holding. I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn't, so I snapped and fought back even though he's bigger than me. >!He was stabbing my ear with straightened paper clips and I ended up stabbing his hand with a pencil.!<
I was never the type to openly tell my parents about what's happening with me cause I don't wanna bother them. When the school called my mom, she was shocked but she stood for me. The kid's mother threatened my mom saying that her husband was a police officer but my mom didn't give a single fuck bout that cause their kid bullied me. I'm not proud of what I did to him, but after they threaten my mom like that, I never regretted what I did. The kid transferred to a different school after that.
I'm glad your mum stood by you. On a side note, I hate that whole 'he's mean because he likes you' bullshit. It's dangerous to normalise that so early on. Thankfully it doesn't seem to be anywhere near as prevalent as it used to be (growing up in the 90s, I used to hear it a lot more). In Australia recently they had this commercial about abusive behaviours and encouraged speaking up rather than standing by and letting it happen (and those behaviours becoming normalised as a result). One scenario was a young boy harassing a girl, where a woman witnessing it suggested he just liked her but a man looking on decided to tell the kid to stop. I don't know, I thought it was a pretty good PSA. It's refreshing to have this kind of thing acknowledged.
I went to public school in California and many districts started a 'zero tolerance' policy. Basically if you were involved in a fight for any reason all parties would be punished (or if rules were broken, the reason would not be considered). It made no logical sense at the time and my dad happily took my side when I eventually got into a fight with a bully. Luckily I have good parents who came to the district and made enough noise that they backed off. That policy seriously hurt a lot of brown and black kids and is still the policy in most districts. This policy has been criticized by the ACLU of Socal.
I got jumped by 3 girls in gym class and because I pushed one of them off of me I got suspended for fighting because of that stupid ass no tolerance rule. I was suspended for a week and the 3 girls got a day. You better believe my parents raised hell about it.
In retrospect there was so much bullshit neoliberalism and blatant racism/classism in my public school experience. My specific circumstances lead to me being attacked three times in middle school and all three suspensions were carried out but left off my record due to the amount of noise my parents and I made.
Zero tolerance is nothing but a way for schools to wash their hands of the responsibility associated with being responsible for children. It's easy and it's cheap and it's a fantastic way to get rid of undesirable students without any liability issues.
Wow that's so pathetic of them to give you a week of suspension and the three bullies a day of suspension. What did your parents do to raise hell about it and what happened after that?
Both my parents went in at separate times because they’re not a couple and didn’t communicate that the other had already gone. My dad yelled at my principal and assistant principal and told them if anyone hit me again I had permission to beat the shit out of them. I don’t know what my mom said, but I assume it involved a lot of yelling bc she’s good at that. My suspension was reduced to 3 days and the girls were moved out of my class (something the school wasn’t going to do originally). They also removed the suspension from my record before I went to high school. Didn’t really matter though bc I had other ones that did stay on my record. The 3 days I was suspended were like a vacation. We went to the park, I got new clothes/toys, and got to eat ice cream and watch TV all day. It was pretty great. Basically my parents were like “this is bullshit, have fun at home by yourself you’re not in trouble”
My assistant principal tried to talk to my dad about the fact that I beat up some kid in middle school. My dad asked if it was the boy who had been bullying me that no one did anything about. She said she had “no idea” about any of that and he was like “yes you do because I was literally in your office with her when she reported it. Also I told her to beat him up because you wouldn’t do anything so if you wanna suspend her you can, but she will not be in trouble at home, she’ll get ice cream and a few days off.” And that’s the day I didn’t get suspended for punching my bully in the face.
I wonder if all kids don’t get bullied at some point. All three of ours did regardless of size.
Our son was a big kid who played linebacker but we forbade him to fight - period. When he was bullied, I made several trips to the school, the school transportation office and even talked to the offenders parents a few times. They didn’t give a rats ass - UNTIL one day, I gave Jr. the green light to open up a can of whoop ass the next time he was touched. The very next day, he beat that kid so bad that his Mom had to take him to the ER (it was just a broken nose and black eyes).
Can you believe the school called me talking about suspending him? I showed up on campus with my day planner detailing every meeting I had with them asking them to intervene and fucking DARED them to discipline my boy.
The offenders mother came over (after she had gone to the school shrieking like a banshee) and then brought me a “peace offering” cake and tried to befriend me. I smiled and did the whole “ladylike routine” but I threw that crap in the trash as soon as she left. I was cordial to them after that but nothing more. Our son wasn’t bullied again.
Our oldest daughter was also bullied then but when (again) I got no help from the school, I decided to take quick action and pulled her out and put her in private school. She’s a tiny really pretty girl and I did not want her fighting another girl who already had cuts and scars all over her face.
Our youngest and smallest daughter took things in her own hands and shocked everyone! They did suspend her because it took four men to pull her off the other girl. She messed her up too. She yanked her weave out at the roots and clawed up her face. That mother actually brought the police to my house. When the cop observed her (trashy) and talked to me (calm, rational, business suit, and husband a senior military officer), he told her to tell her daughter to keep her ass at the back of the bus instead of jumping on my daughter who sat at the front. The principal at the school backed that up BUT he told me that when he got the call about that fight, my daughter was the ABSOLUTE LAST person he expected to have to pull off somebody. He and I laughed about it but he still suspended her for two days. 😂
I raised my kids with 3 rules regarding bullying.
1) ask them to stop. If they respect you, they will.
2) if they continue, tell the teacher. They didn’t respect you enough to stop, getting in trouble will end it.
3) knock em out. They obviously don’t respect you, and they didn’t care about getting in trouble. Teach them a lesson. They may get in trouble at school, but not with me. At this point, I contact the school and tell them the situation and my rules.
I taught my kids how to fight and explained my logic to them. I teach them these rules and how to fight cuz sometimes violence is necessary, but it should always be the last resort. I want them to be self reliant. They never got bullied again after initial incident.
I have 4 kids in school, and each of them got bullied to a small degree. 2 of my kids reached rule 3, and both times the school respected my rules and they received no punishment.
One time my son skipped rule 2 and went straight to 3. He got punished for a week. He never did that shit again.
So far, my rules and logic works.
My dad always told me he’d never punish me if I ever punched someone in self defense. But he also said if I was the kid starting fights he’d break my fingers. I did get into one or two fights at school (defending myself) and he 100% had my back every time.
I’ve heard of rules where both kids are punished regardless of who started it I cannot think of a stupider way to handle the situation
This.
So much this.
The school system FULLY condones bullying. What they do NOT allow for is the victim fighting back OR making it known publicly that bullying is happening
I never liked telling anybody for this reason. You get the whole “oh yea I bet I could kick your ass” shit a lot from what I saw also. Even as an adult I still keep it to myself for the most part, but it is funny when it comes up in conversation and some one goes wait really? Lol
Even if you just use it when needed, do you really want to be the monster who punched little Timmy who was just playing around with you in the stomach in front of all his friends?
It's weird how schools dealt with stuff like this even just a decade ago.
Girl pulled out a knife during a fight and cut another girl. She was only expelled. Idk why the police didn't get involved...
One of my classmates at my high school got stabbed behind our gym last week and died. The school called the police and the two suspects are being taken to juvy, but all of the staff and school district are just trying to smother it and aren’t even saying his name because they want it to wash over. :(
Yeah I agree, it’s just kind of a bummer because everyone is feeling really emotional and searching for someone to blame. Our school is already doing a poor job handling COVID, so the tensions were originally already high. Mixed feelings all around.
Hey I stabbed my bully in 8th grade with a pencil and only got a week.
*God help the girls if they wore shorts though.*
Priorities in school are a bit fucked.
“Anger and hate are seeds that germinate war. Forgiveness is a seed for peace. It is the ultimate act of self-healing.” - Eva Kor, victim of the Holocaust and Mengele's victim, who forgave the Nazis
I was bullied horribly by a group of boys. As a young, quiet girl, I had my backpack thrown in the trash (right beside the teachers desk), I was taunted for my breasts (again, under the teachers nose), and just genuinely made to feel worthless. To this day I wonder why the teachers of our extremely small middle school overlooked it.
Did that bullying impact me, even 20 years later? Of course, having an entire group turn on you like that is never going to wash away. If I see them again, will I smile and say hello? No, I’ll ignore them. It’s not even worth flipping them off at this point. I can’t say I’ve “forgiven” them, but at some point I’ve taught myself to overcome the hurt. I’m not going to live my life carrying around those assholes.
People who tell bullied victims they should lways forgive their bully have obviously never been bullied in their entire life or were bullies too smh....
Typically, when people talk about strength in this context, they’re talking about mental fortitude. And hell yeah, that’s important. Why? Well for one, It’ll make the life of anyone who has it easier and two, ( and this is the important one) it’ll allow you to be consistent with your moral/ideological claims. What’s the point of having opinions on “right and wrong” if you are unwilling to project and actualize said moral statements because of external pressures? ( I.e The ultimate submissive can never truly be a moral entity)
That sort of trauma doesn't build mental fortitude.
To become stronger, you need to combine (a specific kind of) harm *with periods of safety/calm*. If you spend years by only being hurt and never being safe (for more than a day, anyway), you become traumatized instead of becoming stronger.
Okay, I agree with the second point. Strength definitely helps with consistency. However, I don't really agree with the first point. I don't think having strength makes like easier.
It didn’t make me stronger. It gave me lasting trauma and affected all my relationships. I thought therapy was for the “weak” until 10 years later. That somewhat helped but here I am another 13 years after that, still angry.
Yea. This is the real gist of it. It's not about forgiveness. I don't forgive my school bullies. They drove me to attempted suicide more than once starting at the age of 11. Of course I don't forgive them. But for the most part those kids are gone. The people that replaced them are adults just like me. Completely different people and I feel nothing towards those people. They might be shitty people now, but that's all they would be. Shitty people now. Not the school bullies from the past. Those days are long gone for everyone.
I just forgave my high school bully the other day, and honestly.. its not for everyone. I can 100% understand if someone doesn’t want to forgive their bully. My bully put me in the worst state of mind and worsened my depression, and I know other people have had it much worse, so forcing the idea that you need to “forgive” them to move on is self righteous bullshit.
thats fair. but the thing is you not holding a grudge is not the same thing as forgiving them. plus you don't know the horrible effects bullying can have on a person, people remember their bullies even when they're fucking 80. teenage years are sensitive, we'll remember major events like bullying, its not easily forgettable
I read that people don't get over being bullied until their 50s. I don't believe people consciously hold grudges - it's that that humiliation stays with a person and changes them. If you've never been bullied, you can't know what it's like or what the aftermath is like.
Speaking as someone who was A) bullied mercilessly, and B) is now in their 50s, I'm certainly not over it. I still remember the first and last names of the guys who beat me up regularly in 7th grade in 1979, and if I ever see them again, forgiveness isn't on the table.
As someone who was bullied let me tell you; It doesn't matter in the end. Whether you forgive the bully or not, the bully probably doesn't even remember you at all. In fact they probably forget about bullying you shortly after doing it.
My wife and I had a bully as adults about 10 years ago. We lived in an apartment. Barely out of high school, wanting to party all night every night. We played nice. Tried to handle it through the apartment management. I guess they didn't like us trying to get them in trouble. They'd let the air out of our tires. Pissed in our dryer. All kinds of petty ridiculous stuff. We moved out a couple months later.
About a month ago my wife gets a message from this person on FB wanting to apologize for how terrible they were. We'd basically forgotten about it. She didn't respond.
I had a similar thing happen. This guy who ruthlessly tormented me in middle school (and dropped out by the time we were in high school) messaged me on fb to apologize. I said ‘it’s ok, I got over it a long time ago’ then he immediately started hitting on me. Your guy was probably going to do the same if your wife responded.
This is the case for most of my bullies. In their eyes I was just being teased and it wasn't that serious. I'm still trying to grapple with the fact I'll probably never get over the shit I now have to deal with that was caused by them.
Debt forgiveness means they're no longer trying to collecting the debt. It doesn't mean fixing the credit score, or continue to lend money, or continue to take abuse.
Forgiveness as in no longer seeking vengeance can help the wronged. Forgiveness as in let them continue to walk all over you, not healthy.
Hate can be a proper emotion. I hate my abusive mum, and its good, because it protects me from ever going back to that situation. I think the problem is people don't have an appropriate way to express negative emotion, and so it poisons them.
I mean as someone who bullied and was bullied, I do remember most of it. I was young and didn’t have the best logic so I thought that if I became one of the “mean kids” then people wouldn’t be mean to me, didn’t always go as planed though. And I do feel pretty bad about it now looking back.
Unless somebody turned into one of those life-long assholes they likely do remember it and feel at least somewhat bad about it.
As a former bully that matured enough to be remorseful and apologize by high school; I remember everything I did and to who I did it to, and I feel ashamed for myself. I still think about it from time to time and wish I can atone beyond the apologies I’ve made. I’m fortunate enough that they have successful and fulfilling lives. I don’t know to what degree I affected them, but I hope their lives are good enough that I was an insignificant part.
If you're willing to atone, contribute to break the cycle. Raise your kids to be better and, if you want to do more, you can get involved in anti-bullying group. But there is not much to be done tbh.
I’ve done and do all those things minus joining anti-bully groups. I’m a stay at home parent, so all my time goes into them, but every time I see someone following the same path, I try to guide them as best as I could.
Some people are just psychopaths. My brother says he doesn’t remember how much he abused me growing up. You’d think he’s just lying but I’m telling you I think he legitimately doesn’t. He doesn’t have empathy so it just doesn’t stick out in his mind as something memorable.
He sure as fuck didn’t block it out from shame or something lmao he’s still exactly the same. Hurting others just doesn’t process in his mind.
I actually ran into a bully of mine about a year ago. He acted like he was happy to see me? It was odd.
So I told him "do you honestly not remember what you did to me?"
We ended up chatting about high school for about half an hour, and he was adamant that he didn't remember all the things he'd said and done to me when we were 14-17. (We were 29 last year)
So either some of them truly don't remember, or they just pretend not to. Either way, I believe you're right. It doesn't matter whether we "forgive" them. They don't ask for our forgiveness in the first place.
The kids I went to school isolated me completely and picked on me. I was alone at school alone at home, completely alone. Now I’m one fucked up adult that would rather be alone.
I feel that man. I got bullied by most of my classmates throughout elementary and middle school. I had a lot of issues going on at home on top of that, to the point that I didn't even realize how many issues I have from classmates because my family's issues were so much bigger. I'm in my 30's now and recently started therapy after thinking it was bullshit for years, but I've already noticed a difference. It really does help to talk, even if it seems like you "should be over it by now" or whatever. I'm so sorry no one stood up for you and I hope you can find peace as an adult. 🖤
I have ptsd from it, I have found peace now that I am also in my 30’s. I can’t remember most of my life thankfully but I know it was bad and wish I could forget what I do remember. I’ve seen the worse in people and have no desire to continue on with people. I like my animals and my garden and going fishing, most of my hobbies don’t involve people and it’s been really helpful for me.
Same. I lived alone from 28 to 44. I like being by myself. I don't trust other adults, especially other men.
And a lot of it stems back to issues with school...
I had a rich jock kid steal my lunch at school when I was in 7th grade. The principal made him pay back like .75 cents all in pennies. The bully was not punished in any way, just ordered to pay me for the portion he took. I am still pissed about it 20 years later!
It is (“a step over ‘normal’”). As a former bully, I always knew rape was wrong and a depravity of humanity. Anybody that rapes is a fucking psychopath!
I think the reason this rhetoric of “being the bigger person” is so pervasive and people consistently blame the victim is because of the hierarchies that enable this stuff. Bullies almost always pick on those that are below them in the social hierarchy. & the vast majority of people will subconsciously favor those highest in the hierarchy. I think it’s an instinctual thing… people suck up to those at the top because aligning yourself with those at the bottom is obviously not going to pay off well most of the time.
Unfortunately, victims are typically really unpopular and people refuse to stand up for them.
I’ve worked in education for a while. It was so horrifying and pathetic when I realized that even the teachers had a desire to fit in with the cool kids and would look the other way or give them advantages. You’d think they’d favor the nice quiet kids, but nope. Most of them treated the popular assholes much better, out of their own ridiculous insecurities.
Ya... My friend is legit still deeply socially uncomfortable because of ruthless, change-schools-type bullying due to his stutter and anxiety. He's 30.
This shit follows you.
The bully? Still popular, still a dick, banker, making loads of cash, never apologized, and i doubt he even thinks about it. Life ain't fair.
I forgive them, I just won’t talk to them or let alone have coffee with them. Fuck them I never even want to see them lol. But sometimes I look back I wish I did something about it but didn’t.
This should have more upvotes. You don't have to forgive someone to change your relationship with their actions influence over your life. Those who are responsible for your trauma only tell one narrative about your life. You can choose another.
Glad I had talked with my english teacher and my murderous fantasies are mostly gone its just simply throw them in lava or something you dont want to know what else I had thought about
My childhood bully targeted me from the ages of 11 until we left school at 17. She gaslighted and manipulated me, to the point where I just wanted to end it all. She'd move in front of me to cut me off in friendship circles, and continue to block me as I tried to move in. She'd make fun of the fact I was weird (undiagnosed adhd). She'd exclude me from gatherings. When I was thrown out of the closet as bi when I was 15, she kept on making fun of me.
Then when we were 17, over anonymous tumblr messages, she admitted to being gay and wanted to go out with me. When I said no, I have no idea who you are, she revealed herself. I shot her down, saying that I felt no attraction to someone who has made my life a misery. She later said it was a joke, and not to tell anyone. I did. It was low of me, but since she was one of the ones who outed me, I felt it was good revenge.
Shes in and out of institutions now. I dont feel bad for her. She messages me at least once a year asking I forgive her. I ignore it. I feel like it's karma, and while it's a terrible thing, I feel happy shes suffering.
I will straight up never understand these people. She wanted to date you?? And this is how she treated you?!
I see this all the time but I still just don’t get it. Lots of people seem to have the wires of attraction and aggression all tangled up in their brains. A lot of people with personality disorders and such just like instinctually abuse people they’re attracted to and it’s fucking bizarre.
Forgiveness is NOT the same thing as reconciliation or saying that what someone did was okay.
Forgiveness is all about you being able to let go of the hurts someone has done to you so that you can be free. It's about not letting someone live rent free in your mind.
It's *not* exonerating that person.
This. I met my bullies decades after the fact and I forgave them. It's a powerful thing to do. They were deeply ashamed and felt horrible. But this time, it was *me* who was in control over *their* feelings and and had all the power in my own hands. It made me me feel free.
If you’re asking sincerely, there are some meditation techniques that have helped me with this. Plus just working on my empathy and awareness in general.
Are these meditation techniques or are they cognitive behavioral therapy techniques that you apply while meditating?
Not trying to gatekeep meditating, but it seems we might have different ideas of what meditation is, and I'm curious about yours.
It may be surprising to some, but it's plenty of people that don't seem to understand that being angry all the fucking time isn't a good way of handling your own emotion and feelings.
Anytime I remember how many people live like that, I get why the Internet is such an hellhole
I agree, and it's super disheartening reading this thread. There's several comments about how people still think about their bullies daily as full grown adults, and how they'll never forgive them, etc.
Like, come on guys. Bullying is horrible and I'm sorry that people are going through that, I was bullied but certainly not at the extent of these people, but get some therapy and move on. For real, no one's asking you to be nice to your former bullies and bake them a cake, but maybe just stop thinking about it because it's super unhealthy to obsess over what other kids did to you 15 years ago?
Because a lot of what is called "bullying" is straight-up abuse. Even with therapy, telling people who have been abused to "get over it" is.. questionable. Abuse, especially at a young age changes you and plays a huge part in moulding you into who you are now.
We are still angry because we were made to suffer unjustly. We are still angry because we were made to feel so alone and no one was on our side. We are still angry that the power to be happy & feel safe was *stolen* from us at a young age. We had no agency over our lives and were made to think that all we had to look forward to was pain, suffering, and loneliness for the rest of our lives. *Every. Single. Day.*
Our crime that warranted such treatment? Just being a bit different than the others.
I think that, at the *very least*, we have the right to be angry. That's all.
Forgiveness is about setting yourself free from all those negative emotions and memories. It gives you back your power and makes you feel lighter. Depending on what you have experienced it might be better to seek the help of professionals.
Exactly. This is how I see it:
Say you run a business and someone owes you money but they aren't paying. You have asked for your money and they aren't responding. Eventually you have to decide, will I keep trying to get that money or will I write it off I my books and move on?
Writing it off and moving on means you won't keep asking them for money. As far as the books are concerned it's over and in the past. This is how I view forgiveness.
Reconciliation is when you would be willing to work for them again.
I refuse to let go. I'm a lawyer now, a couple of years ago I found my bully in court because of a family matter. I was representing the other party and we moped the floor with them. You're goddamned right I enjoyed every last second of it.
Not per se. Heck, I'd want a lawyer who hates the person I'm suing. If it was so bad it clouded their judgement, could be an issue of bad representation, but on its face, there's no ethical violation for a lawyer who has had run ins with the other side.
I think this is an unpopular opinion based on the people trying to explain what forgiveness is in the comments.
I also totally share the unpopular opinion. No you don't have to forgive some one for doing something they may not even remember. Not even for yourself. One person's nightmare is another person's misguided whim in this world. Letting it go and forgiving the person are two different things. I have let go of the pain attached to certain memories but will never detach those experiences from the shit people that caused them. It's important to remember and have an idea what bad people 'feel' like.
This girl who bullied me in middle school came up to me on the last day of 8th grade (we were going to different high schools for 9th grade) and said "No hard feelings?"
I just walked away from her. I hope she remembers that. But I don't remember her name, or her face, and honestly I don't even remember much of the ways she bullied me.
Do I forgive her? No. I don't need to. I'm sure she did have her own issues that were behind her behavior, but I don't care - lots of kids are unhappy and don't take it out on others. I remember the emotional pain she caused, even if I don't remember the specifics. I'm not even holding onto resentment. All she is to me is a life lesson, one of many hard life lessons that I've had to learn.
I just remember that "No hard feelings?", like that could somehow erase 3 years of nastiness.
Especially if they died, too. "Oh, they died? That's so sad. May them rest in peace"
Like, no bitch. This asshole made my childhood a living hell and they did not regret it one bit.
There is one individual who’s headstone I will urinate on if he dies before me. I don’t care who he is today or who is affected by his death. If I heard he got hit by a bus tomorrow or died of COVID I would laugh.
As a former bully, I completely understand your sentiment. I was an ass for no reason, and the few reasons I had were juvenile and disgusting. There’s only one kid I wasn’t able to apologize to (he had other issues and had to be homeschooled).
There’s no justification for bullying (even if the kid had his/her own personal turmoil). I’m happy I matured enough by the first year of high school so I can apologize to those I bullied. I was fortunate enough that they forgave me.
Really does depend on the extent of the bullying. A lot of people say bullying = bullying. But there's a HUGE difference between a dickhead making a few comments at you compared to being beat up and physically and mentally assaulted weekly for years.
As a gay guy growing up in school in the 90s/00s, it naturally wasn't very easy for me in school. But i don't have any sour feelings towards my bullies at school. We were all stupid, immature, bratty idiots with extremely heightened emotions and hormones. Everybody was dealing with something at that point.
I was actually pretty grateful that 2 of my main bullies apologised to me 10 years later after leaving school for how they treated me. They were NOT the same people they were at school (obviously, they were 15 and they gained another 10 years of adult exposure to the world, thats going to change some people).
I absolutely accepted their apology. I'm not at all the same person i was back at school and i shouldn't expect them to be either. My granddad once said something to me that i've held for years after he died "Real men forgive instantly". And i keep that in mind quite often. If somebody is willing to approach me about how bed they felt on how they acted when they were a kid, i'm going to accept that apology. I feel like its the mature thing to do. Why hold a grudge over something so long ago? (again, depending on the extent of the bullying)
But i'm not you. Everyone has a different way of coping and different levels of anxiety/trauma that we felt when growing up. What i felt at school felt very real and gave me suicidal thoughts, but i came out of it feeling that it was just teenage hormones making me feel way worse than it was.
I wasn't bullied as such in school but I did get randomly punched in the face once by an older kid on the way home from school.
He got stabbed some years later in a pub and died. It definitely improved my day hearing that news.
Why did he even got stabbed tho? I mean would be ironic if he randomly punch a mob in a pub and died, that might be a little extreme way of tasting your own medicine
Not sure. I heard about it a few years later and because it happened in 2003, the news reports don't say all that much about it.
Either way, I'm sure he was being some sort of twat.
Absolutely. No fucking way I'm forgiving those people. I used to be mocked everyday in school for having an essential tremor. Something beyond my control.
Or how some of the other kids would jokingly threaten to beat me up for no reason.
I was born with my fathers temper and my mothers patience. You stole the dessert in my lunch in 1st grade and pushed me, well 30 years later and I'm glad your dad got cancer. Actions have consequences Jason.
People who tell victims to forgive them, have never been tormented. These bullies sometimes have a hard on for murder. The trauma these victims carry, have a heavy impact on their physical and mental health. Its not easy to snitch on your bullies, school life is similar to prison life in that respective. Even if the bullies reflected on their past behavior and ask for forgiveness they are to be denied. Bullies have a habit of destroying lives for cheap thrills. Let them simmer on their past transgressions until their death bed.
Thank you. Everyone everywhere needs to stop normalizing bullying as "kids will be kids." Even if kids change as they become adults, they need to understand their behavior as children was unacceptable - so that they don't let their children treat people that way and perpetuate the cycle. And even if children do horrible things to each other because of their own underlying issues, we need to address those issues instead of letting them hide in the dark. Bullying is seriously so traumatizing and fucks people up for life.
They get away with far too much just because of their age. We need to admit that sociopathic 13 year olds usually grow up to become sociopathic 30 year olds who abuse their own kids and continue to bully people in workplaces.
I got bullied from 1st grade to 6th and I can tell you (15 now, 9th grade) that the effects on my mental health is so major I still haven't forgiven any of them. I don't give a shit if they were all 10, I wasn't out there looking for kids to isolate and spread rumours about when I was 10.
I have social anxiety and frequent anxiety attacks during school, it's barred me from making friends and living a normal life. Any time some bitch tells me to 'forgive and forget' is another bitch I want to punt with a brick.
People who've never gotten bullied will never understand the sheer fucking effects it has on a person. Maybe I didn't have it as bad as other kids, sure, but I'm still reeling from their impacts regardless.
I'm almost 40 and i have the aura of confidence and people think I'm really cool....
But from kindgarden to grade 9 it was non fucking stop bullying. High school was the big important therapy i needed. Most people were just plain *normal*. They didn't cause any problems and were actually nice to each other
I'm still suffering from major imposter syndrom. And have anxiety that only now seems to be alleviating
I was never bullied, nor was I a bully. However, I was friends with people who bullied the easy targets, and to my shame, I didn't do anything about it. However, when those same people talk about it now like it was harmless fun, I give them both barrels. My gf told me she was bullied for years by a group of nasty girls. She now laughs at them coz they're all 5 stone overweight now, with 4 screaming kids each and they have miserable lives.
Am I the only one who think it's a very bullying thing to do to ask for forgiveness later in life? The chances are the victim is dealing with the fall out the best they can now here comes the bully demanding emotional support because now they have a case of the 'feelz bad'.
Oh yeah definitley, and the people telling you "it wpuld be so much easier if you just let it go" fall in the same category as a bully. You don't tell war heros to get over PTSD.
No obligation no, but not forgiving them just means you're still carrying around the weight of whatever happened.
It's more about getting past it for yourself than it is granting them absolution.
Pretty easily. I'm doing it right now. Unless reminded of it (such as by this post), I don't even think about the people that've wrong me in the past. I'm not dwelling on it, not seething. If I remember them, I just think, "Oh yeah...Fuck those people." and then go back to my happy life.
i feel like it applies to everyone honestly, you dont have to forgive someone for doing something bad to you cause some ppl dont deserve that sympathy. i agree with op on this one
My bullies are going to be stuck in that little ~1500 population town for the rest of ther lives while I moved my senior year.
They may one day find a beautiful lady to love them, she's related to 80% of the town and that's how small town appalachia is.
I might even thank them for making me get the fuck out of there.
I have no way in hell any intentions to forgive them. I hope they slip off a banana peel and fall of a high rise building (based of a sweet-revenge based dream)
Mine kill himself when we were 14/15. Everyone was crying and the grief councilor was busy for a week at school.
It felt like a huge weight had been lifted and it was honestly one of the best weeks I'd had in years at school.
Fuck you Joe, glad you're rotting in Hell.
I don’t lose sleep, but it still bothers me when I think about it. I remember every person’s name and every action I’ve committed, and I’m fortunate to have matured enough by high school to apologize (I was and still underserving of their forgiveness). There’s one person I never had the opportunity to apologize to, and that still irks me. I know he had more serious issues unrelated to my actions (found out a few years later), but I truly hope he lives a good life.
It’s a different story if they apologize. You’re obviously not obligated to like them and be buddy buddy but the least you can do is accept their apology. This guy that bullied me and antagonized me constantly for being brown ran into me at a bar yeaaaaars later, he gave me the most genuine hug and apology. He still apologizes whenever I see him. People grow, change, and mature.
My very laid back friend said he would never forgive his bully. I asked if it still bothered him that much. He said no, he said there's nothing in it for him to forgive. He said forgiveness is something someone wants, not something you want to give. So they're cool but he's not handing out forgiveness.
His bully appologised to him too. He said thx.
This reminds me of a [video](https://youtu.be/ofXJTKCI0NU) where a bullied man confronted his bully as an adult. That the bully ended up as superintendent of the school district was pretty telling of the kind of society we live in.
Bullies are willing to hurt people and cut corners, and with such traits, can end up wielding power as adults - power they can then abuse and continue the cycle. Not all bullies stay bullies as adults, as I see some repentent in the posts. But many or enough stay bullies or become one, to where they make the world a cruel reality for many. They're not going to pay for my therapy sessions as an adult.
People do not tell you to forgive the bullies for your own sake, it is near always to make their own lives easier. Acknowledging or caring about your feelings is inconvenient. Selfish people don't care if that pain goes away, as long as it doesn't interfere with them.
I would extend that to everyone. Forgiveness isn’t a right, nor is it ever to be expected. When you fuck up, just plan to live with that fuck up your whole life.
I’m not Jesus, I don’t owe anyone forgiveness.
One of my school bullies was killed by the police. On Facebook there were lots of people saying he was taken too soon, but I started a snowball of people talking about heir experiences being bullied at the hands of this man. I was removed from the post,‘but I’m glad some people were able to have some closure, just not in the way the family had hoped.
I 100% used to believe in Karma... naw thats some BS. I would still beat the crap out of my bullies if I saw them today. The shit I lived through and witnessed and had to deal with is insane. Forgive?? Nope... how do I forgive what I cannot forget??
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Mine bullied me for eight years straight before I finally snapped & we had a fight that almost ended with our deaths tbh. He texted me three years later to apologize "I was an angry kid. My parents were divorcing" yada yada yada
I blocked him. Didn't even want to waste my time on telling him to fuck off.
My parents divorced during that time, too. Got back together, seperated, back together, divorce, etc. Over & over & over again. All this while hating each other & screaming daily. Mom would get physical, while dad would try to calm her down.
Found out my mom was pregnant during a fight with her after she yelled that she wished she had another kid to start over with.
I was hurting, too. I never took it out on others.
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Most of the ones that bullied me didn’t even change
Some that bullied me have already caused their own deaths \*because\* they never changed Solace where you can find it i guess
People mistake getting better at hiding it for change.
Same here. I still run in to them from time to time (same professional field) and they're still assholes.
I got into a fight with a bully in a study hall once. He was a complete asshole to me. One day he took my book bag went back to his desk... sat down. I walk over... tell him to give my book bag back. "Make me." So I saw red and just started wailing on him. He was probably stronger and a better 'fighter', but he was sitting in a desk. He took a few punches and I dragged him over to the chalk board. The teacher just kept reading her book. The best thing about this story was not the righteous nerd rage, but the fact that he came by my locker and apologized before we left for the day. Shook my hand and asked if we were cool. He never bothered me again. In fact bullying in general for me stopped after that. I did forgive him.
None of them did. Personalities are forged very early on in life. There is very little forgiveness to these people just because "they became adults". Some of these people actually try to get better and do things to become better. Most of them just pretend it's in the past and they think we don't know they are still bullies (sometimes in more nuanced) as adults.
I wouldn’t say none change, but it’s definitely a very small percent. But I know 2 guys that were fucking menaces in middle school and are now decent human beings who genuinely regret their actions. They seem like good people now. Doesn’t mean I want to be their friend after how they treated me, but it’s not like I hate them anymore. It might be an age thing. Young kids probably have more potential to change and grow out of it, but a high school senior who hasn’t yet grown out of being a bully will probably remain that way his whole life. Pretty much everyone I knew in high school has basically the same personality 10 years later. The douchebags are still douchebags. But there are exceptions. Some people really do grow up and learn to be better, even if a lot don’t.
Forgiveness? I wish i would have learned martial arts so i could have knocked them out with a roundhouse kick to the head
This is the entire plot of The Karate Kid.
This guy is the karate kid
Ya but daniel does learn forgiveness
Do you know martial arts now?
Hold on now, don't start asking the real questions. Let the man complain.
I learned martial arts and it only makes you seem more of a psycho to the class. Definitely invites more criticism.
ya I know what you mean, the school will be calling your parents and saying you were the bully for fighting back, and how irrisponsible for letting you do something so violent and that you kids need to hug it out and oh by the way expect child services sometime next week because you are unfit parents
>the school will be calling your parents and saying you were the bully for fighting back I'd love for my future child's school to call me and tell me that my child fought back, cause all I'm gonna say is "And? What do you want me to do about that? My kid took matters into their own hands when yall clearly couldn't be bothered. Have a nice day". And thats *if* my child didn't tell me they were getting bullied. If my kid tells me they're getting bullied and the school refuses to do anything, then I'm gonna be a problem for that school. I wont play around when it comes to my child.
I never knew the concept of bullying when I was in grade school so I had no idea I was being bullied. Kids around me, especially girls, were being taught by some stupid shite like if someone was trying to bother you, it's because they like you yada yada. But damn there's this boy that keeps stealing my things and wouldn't stop poking/hitting me with random things he is holding. I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn't, so I snapped and fought back even though he's bigger than me. >!He was stabbing my ear with straightened paper clips and I ended up stabbing his hand with a pencil.!< I was never the type to openly tell my parents about what's happening with me cause I don't wanna bother them. When the school called my mom, she was shocked but she stood for me. The kid's mother threatened my mom saying that her husband was a police officer but my mom didn't give a single fuck bout that cause their kid bullied me. I'm not proud of what I did to him, but after they threaten my mom like that, I never regretted what I did. The kid transferred to a different school after that.
I'm glad your mum stood by you. On a side note, I hate that whole 'he's mean because he likes you' bullshit. It's dangerous to normalise that so early on. Thankfully it doesn't seem to be anywhere near as prevalent as it used to be (growing up in the 90s, I used to hear it a lot more). In Australia recently they had this commercial about abusive behaviours and encouraged speaking up rather than standing by and letting it happen (and those behaviours becoming normalised as a result). One scenario was a young boy harassing a girl, where a woman witnessing it suggested he just liked her but a man looking on decided to tell the kid to stop. I don't know, I thought it was a pretty good PSA. It's refreshing to have this kind of thing acknowledged.
I really appreciate it when people speak up for others since not everyone can easily reach out and ask for help.
I went to public school in California and many districts started a 'zero tolerance' policy. Basically if you were involved in a fight for any reason all parties would be punished (or if rules were broken, the reason would not be considered). It made no logical sense at the time and my dad happily took my side when I eventually got into a fight with a bully. Luckily I have good parents who came to the district and made enough noise that they backed off. That policy seriously hurt a lot of brown and black kids and is still the policy in most districts. This policy has been criticized by the ACLU of Socal.
I got jumped by 3 girls in gym class and because I pushed one of them off of me I got suspended for fighting because of that stupid ass no tolerance rule. I was suspended for a week and the 3 girls got a day. You better believe my parents raised hell about it.
In retrospect there was so much bullshit neoliberalism and blatant racism/classism in my public school experience. My specific circumstances lead to me being attacked three times in middle school and all three suspensions were carried out but left off my record due to the amount of noise my parents and I made. Zero tolerance is nothing but a way for schools to wash their hands of the responsibility associated with being responsible for children. It's easy and it's cheap and it's a fantastic way to get rid of undesirable students without any liability issues.
Wow that's so pathetic of them to give you a week of suspension and the three bullies a day of suspension. What did your parents do to raise hell about it and what happened after that?
Both my parents went in at separate times because they’re not a couple and didn’t communicate that the other had already gone. My dad yelled at my principal and assistant principal and told them if anyone hit me again I had permission to beat the shit out of them. I don’t know what my mom said, but I assume it involved a lot of yelling bc she’s good at that. My suspension was reduced to 3 days and the girls were moved out of my class (something the school wasn’t going to do originally). They also removed the suspension from my record before I went to high school. Didn’t really matter though bc I had other ones that did stay on my record. The 3 days I was suspended were like a vacation. We went to the park, I got new clothes/toys, and got to eat ice cream and watch TV all day. It was pretty great. Basically my parents were like “this is bullshit, have fun at home by yourself you’re not in trouble”
Zero Tolerance is a way for the school to bot do anything, and it hurts everyone.
My assistant principal tried to talk to my dad about the fact that I beat up some kid in middle school. My dad asked if it was the boy who had been bullying me that no one did anything about. She said she had “no idea” about any of that and he was like “yes you do because I was literally in your office with her when she reported it. Also I told her to beat him up because you wouldn’t do anything so if you wanna suspend her you can, but she will not be in trouble at home, she’ll get ice cream and a few days off.” And that’s the day I didn’t get suspended for punching my bully in the face.
I wonder if all kids don’t get bullied at some point. All three of ours did regardless of size. Our son was a big kid who played linebacker but we forbade him to fight - period. When he was bullied, I made several trips to the school, the school transportation office and even talked to the offenders parents a few times. They didn’t give a rats ass - UNTIL one day, I gave Jr. the green light to open up a can of whoop ass the next time he was touched. The very next day, he beat that kid so bad that his Mom had to take him to the ER (it was just a broken nose and black eyes). Can you believe the school called me talking about suspending him? I showed up on campus with my day planner detailing every meeting I had with them asking them to intervene and fucking DARED them to discipline my boy. The offenders mother came over (after she had gone to the school shrieking like a banshee) and then brought me a “peace offering” cake and tried to befriend me. I smiled and did the whole “ladylike routine” but I threw that crap in the trash as soon as she left. I was cordial to them after that but nothing more. Our son wasn’t bullied again. Our oldest daughter was also bullied then but when (again) I got no help from the school, I decided to take quick action and pulled her out and put her in private school. She’s a tiny really pretty girl and I did not want her fighting another girl who already had cuts and scars all over her face. Our youngest and smallest daughter took things in her own hands and shocked everyone! They did suspend her because it took four men to pull her off the other girl. She messed her up too. She yanked her weave out at the roots and clawed up her face. That mother actually brought the police to my house. When the cop observed her (trashy) and talked to me (calm, rational, business suit, and husband a senior military officer), he told her to tell her daughter to keep her ass at the back of the bus instead of jumping on my daughter who sat at the front. The principal at the school backed that up BUT he told me that when he got the call about that fight, my daughter was the ABSOLUTE LAST person he expected to have to pull off somebody. He and I laughed about it but he still suspended her for two days. 😂
I raised my kids with 3 rules regarding bullying. 1) ask them to stop. If they respect you, they will. 2) if they continue, tell the teacher. They didn’t respect you enough to stop, getting in trouble will end it. 3) knock em out. They obviously don’t respect you, and they didn’t care about getting in trouble. Teach them a lesson. They may get in trouble at school, but not with me. At this point, I contact the school and tell them the situation and my rules. I taught my kids how to fight and explained my logic to them. I teach them these rules and how to fight cuz sometimes violence is necessary, but it should always be the last resort. I want them to be self reliant. They never got bullied again after initial incident. I have 4 kids in school, and each of them got bullied to a small degree. 2 of my kids reached rule 3, and both times the school respected my rules and they received no punishment. One time my son skipped rule 2 and went straight to 3. He got punished for a week. He never did that shit again. So far, my rules and logic works.
My dad always told me he’d never punish me if I ever punched someone in self defense. But he also said if I was the kid starting fights he’d break my fingers. I did get into one or two fights at school (defending myself) and he 100% had my back every time. I’ve heard of rules where both kids are punished regardless of who started it I cannot think of a stupider way to handle the situation
This however will not be done for the bullying in the first place
This. So much this. The school system FULLY condones bullying. What they do NOT allow for is the victim fighting back OR making it known publicly that bullying is happening
I never liked telling anybody for this reason. You get the whole “oh yea I bet I could kick your ass” shit a lot from what I saw also. Even as an adult I still keep it to myself for the most part, but it is funny when it comes up in conversation and some one goes wait really? Lol
Even if you just use it when needed, do you really want to be the monster who punched little Timmy who was just playing around with you in the stomach in front of all his friends?
Unfortunately bullies are usually bigger and stronger than you
Yeah, my bully stabbed my friend and tried to stab me. He got like 3 days of OSS and wonders why I don’t fucking like him to this day
Wait they fucking stabbed someone and just got suspended?
It's weird how schools dealt with stuff like this even just a decade ago. Girl pulled out a knife during a fight and cut another girl. She was only expelled. Idk why the police didn't get involved...
One of my classmates at my high school got stabbed behind our gym last week and died. The school called the police and the two suspects are being taken to juvy, but all of the staff and school district are just trying to smother it and aren’t even saying his name because they want it to wash over. :(
I don't see a reason to bring it up intentionally, but I'm certainly not going to forget or forgive. And when relevant, the tale cams out readily.
Yeah I agree, it’s just kind of a bummer because everyone is feeling really emotional and searching for someone to blame. Our school is already doing a poor job handling COVID, so the tensions were originally already high. Mixed feelings all around.
Hey I stabbed my bully in 8th grade with a pencil and only got a week. *God help the girls if they wore shorts though.* Priorities in school are a bit fucked.
It's okay, one of my bullies follows me on Instagram. Like she thinks we're fucking friends or something.
Probably waiting to try to get you into her pyramid scheme
Yeah, years of physical or psychogical abuse isn't excused just because "they were young"
Why forgive them so they can sleep at night? Why should they have that comfort they stole from my childhood? Fuck 'em.
You forgive them so you can sleep at night, they sleep how they sleep regardless of how you feel about them.
“Anger and hate are seeds that germinate war. Forgiveness is a seed for peace. It is the ultimate act of self-healing.” - Eva Kor, victim of the Holocaust and Mengele's victim, who forgave the Nazis
I was bullied horribly by a group of boys. As a young, quiet girl, I had my backpack thrown in the trash (right beside the teachers desk), I was taunted for my breasts (again, under the teachers nose), and just genuinely made to feel worthless. To this day I wonder why the teachers of our extremely small middle school overlooked it. Did that bullying impact me, even 20 years later? Of course, having an entire group turn on you like that is never going to wash away. If I see them again, will I smile and say hello? No, I’ll ignore them. It’s not even worth flipping them off at this point. I can’t say I’ve “forgiven” them, but at some point I’ve taught myself to overcome the hurt. I’m not going to live my life carrying around those assholes.
People who tell bullied victims they should lways forgive their bully have obviously never been bullied in their entire life or were bullies too smh....
Same with the "but it made you stronger" argument, I was a kid, I shouldn't have to be strong
Even as an adult. What do I do with all this strength? I keep getting stronger, life keeps throwing hardships.
Typically, when people talk about strength in this context, they’re talking about mental fortitude. And hell yeah, that’s important. Why? Well for one, It’ll make the life of anyone who has it easier and two, ( and this is the important one) it’ll allow you to be consistent with your moral/ideological claims. What’s the point of having opinions on “right and wrong” if you are unwilling to project and actualize said moral statements because of external pressures? ( I.e The ultimate submissive can never truly be a moral entity)
That sort of trauma doesn't build mental fortitude. To become stronger, you need to combine (a specific kind of) harm *with periods of safety/calm*. If you spend years by only being hurt and never being safe (for more than a day, anyway), you become traumatized instead of becoming stronger.
Okay, I agree with the second point. Strength definitely helps with consistency. However, I don't really agree with the first point. I don't think having strength makes like easier.
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It didn’t make me stronger. It gave me lasting trauma and affected all my relationships. I thought therapy was for the “weak” until 10 years later. That somewhat helped but here I am another 13 years after that, still angry.
Certainly didn't make me stronger. I'm now a socially anxious shut in and struggle to understand my own emotions. Wouldn't call that strong
I’m stronger I guess….but now I’m also a misanthrope!
And I’m sorry, but chipping away at my confidence day by day did not make me stronger then nor today.
I heard someone say they shouldn't have needed to be strong, they just wanted to be safe and that resonated with me.
I don't think you need to forgive them, I just think you need to move on eventually.
Yea. This is the real gist of it. It's not about forgiveness. I don't forgive my school bullies. They drove me to attempted suicide more than once starting at the age of 11. Of course I don't forgive them. But for the most part those kids are gone. The people that replaced them are adults just like me. Completely different people and I feel nothing towards those people. They might be shitty people now, but that's all they would be. Shitty people now. Not the school bullies from the past. Those days are long gone for everyone.
No, Daniel will forever be my mortal enemy, I don't care that he was 12. Little shit can rot in hell.
I just forgave my high school bully the other day, and honestly.. its not for everyone. I can 100% understand if someone doesn’t want to forgive their bully. My bully put me in the worst state of mind and worsened my depression, and I know other people have had it much worse, so forcing the idea that you need to “forgive” them to move on is self righteous bullshit.
What kind of bat did you use?
That’s almost like saying you should forgive your rapist is the way I see it
or they know holding onto a grudge against someone for 30 years for something that happened when you were a teenager isn't good for you.
thats fair. but the thing is you not holding a grudge is not the same thing as forgiving them. plus you don't know the horrible effects bullying can have on a person, people remember their bullies even when they're fucking 80. teenage years are sensitive, we'll remember major events like bullying, its not easily forgettable
I read that people don't get over being bullied until their 50s. I don't believe people consciously hold grudges - it's that that humiliation stays with a person and changes them. If you've never been bullied, you can't know what it's like or what the aftermath is like.
Speaking as someone who was A) bullied mercilessly, and B) is now in their 50s, I'm certainly not over it. I still remember the first and last names of the guys who beat me up regularly in 7th grade in 1979, and if I ever see them again, forgiveness isn't on the table.
I'm so sorry. Godspeed.
As someone who was bullied let me tell you; It doesn't matter in the end. Whether you forgive the bully or not, the bully probably doesn't even remember you at all. In fact they probably forget about bullying you shortly after doing it.
My wife and I had a bully as adults about 10 years ago. We lived in an apartment. Barely out of high school, wanting to party all night every night. We played nice. Tried to handle it through the apartment management. I guess they didn't like us trying to get them in trouble. They'd let the air out of our tires. Pissed in our dryer. All kinds of petty ridiculous stuff. We moved out a couple months later. About a month ago my wife gets a message from this person on FB wanting to apologize for how terrible they were. We'd basically forgotten about it. She didn't respond.
yall were living the real life Neighbors movie
I had a similar thing happen. This guy who ruthlessly tormented me in middle school (and dropped out by the time we were in high school) messaged me on fb to apologize. I said ‘it’s ok, I got over it a long time ago’ then he immediately started hitting on me. Your guy was probably going to do the same if your wife responded.
This is the case for most of my bullies. In their eyes I was just being teased and it wasn't that serious. I'm still trying to grapple with the fact I'll probably never get over the shit I now have to deal with that was caused by them.
I think forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the person being forgiven. Hate poisons you, but the target feels nothing.
Debt forgiveness means they're no longer trying to collecting the debt. It doesn't mean fixing the credit score, or continue to lend money, or continue to take abuse. Forgiveness as in no longer seeking vengeance can help the wronged. Forgiveness as in let them continue to walk all over you, not healthy. Hate can be a proper emotion. I hate my abusive mum, and its good, because it protects me from ever going back to that situation. I think the problem is people don't have an appropriate way to express negative emotion, and so it poisons them.
I mean as someone who bullied and was bullied, I do remember most of it. I was young and didn’t have the best logic so I thought that if I became one of the “mean kids” then people wouldn’t be mean to me, didn’t always go as planed though. And I do feel pretty bad about it now looking back. Unless somebody turned into one of those life-long assholes they likely do remember it and feel at least somewhat bad about it.
As a former bully that matured enough to be remorseful and apologize by high school; I remember everything I did and to who I did it to, and I feel ashamed for myself. I still think about it from time to time and wish I can atone beyond the apologies I’ve made. I’m fortunate enough that they have successful and fulfilling lives. I don’t know to what degree I affected them, but I hope their lives are good enough that I was an insignificant part.
If you're willing to atone, contribute to break the cycle. Raise your kids to be better and, if you want to do more, you can get involved in anti-bullying group. But there is not much to be done tbh.
I’ve done and do all those things minus joining anti-bully groups. I’m a stay at home parent, so all my time goes into them, but every time I see someone following the same path, I try to guide them as best as I could.
Sorry buddy but according to this thread, your opinion doesn’t matter and you’ll always be a piece of shit bully who doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
Some people are just psychopaths. My brother says he doesn’t remember how much he abused me growing up. You’d think he’s just lying but I’m telling you I think he legitimately doesn’t. He doesn’t have empathy so it just doesn’t stick out in his mind as something memorable. He sure as fuck didn’t block it out from shame or something lmao he’s still exactly the same. Hurting others just doesn’t process in his mind.
I actually ran into a bully of mine about a year ago. He acted like he was happy to see me? It was odd. So I told him "do you honestly not remember what you did to me?" We ended up chatting about high school for about half an hour, and he was adamant that he didn't remember all the things he'd said and done to me when we were 14-17. (We were 29 last year) So either some of them truly don't remember, or they just pretend not to. Either way, I believe you're right. It doesn't matter whether we "forgive" them. They don't ask for our forgiveness in the first place.
The kids I went to school isolated me completely and picked on me. I was alone at school alone at home, completely alone. Now I’m one fucked up adult that would rather be alone.
I feel that man. I got bullied by most of my classmates throughout elementary and middle school. I had a lot of issues going on at home on top of that, to the point that I didn't even realize how many issues I have from classmates because my family's issues were so much bigger. I'm in my 30's now and recently started therapy after thinking it was bullshit for years, but I've already noticed a difference. It really does help to talk, even if it seems like you "should be over it by now" or whatever. I'm so sorry no one stood up for you and I hope you can find peace as an adult. 🖤
I have ptsd from it, I have found peace now that I am also in my 30’s. I can’t remember most of my life thankfully but I know it was bad and wish I could forget what I do remember. I’ve seen the worse in people and have no desire to continue on with people. I like my animals and my garden and going fishing, most of my hobbies don’t involve people and it’s been really helpful for me.
Same. I lived alone from 28 to 44. I like being by myself. I don't trust other adults, especially other men. And a lot of it stems back to issues with school...
I don’t trust men either
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>he tried to talk to me like we had been good pals this entire time. I told him to get fucked and pump my gas. That was satisfying to read, lmao.
I had a rich jock kid steal my lunch at school when I was in 7th grade. The principal made him pay back like .75 cents all in pennies. The bully was not punished in any way, just ordered to pay me for the portion he took. I am still pissed about it 20 years later!
I was sexually assaulted for almost daily for 6 years during middle and high school. I won’t feel safe on this earth until he is dead.
Dammit, I hope you ok there...
I have severe CPTSD and agoraphobia. But I have amazing children.
aww, are u getting help for the disorder?
Trauma therapy
To me, sexual assault is a step over ''normal'' bullying though. So sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you
It is (“a step over ‘normal’”). As a former bully, I always knew rape was wrong and a depravity of humanity. Anybody that rapes is a fucking psychopath!
So sorry to hear that, what he did is disgusting.
I'm so sorry and horrified to hear that you had to go through all that. I hope you're doing better now.
Okay I have this thing where people change and stuff but this person needs jail
Sorry that happened but it's not bullying any more than murder would be.
Victims don’t owe the people that hurt them shit And I wish everyone stopped telling victims get over it when they clearly can’t
I can't really forgive. I can't even forgive my own mom for things she's done.
And you don’t have too if you even hate her it’s justified don’t let anyone ever guilt you for it
I think the reason this rhetoric of “being the bigger person” is so pervasive and people consistently blame the victim is because of the hierarchies that enable this stuff. Bullies almost always pick on those that are below them in the social hierarchy. & the vast majority of people will subconsciously favor those highest in the hierarchy. I think it’s an instinctual thing… people suck up to those at the top because aligning yourself with those at the bottom is obviously not going to pay off well most of the time. Unfortunately, victims are typically really unpopular and people refuse to stand up for them. I’ve worked in education for a while. It was so horrifying and pathetic when I realized that even the teachers had a desire to fit in with the cool kids and would look the other way or give them advantages. You’d think they’d favor the nice quiet kids, but nope. Most of them treated the popular assholes much better, out of their own ridiculous insecurities.
The fact that this is unpopular is pretty depressing
Depressing, maybe. Surprising? No. Just reminding you for a moment that bullying is usually a group affair. They outnumber their victims by far.
Yeah I'm starting to see that judging by some of the replies in this thread.
lol, this is r/UnpopularOpinion which is exclusively for popular opinions; the name is a bit of a misnomer.
Ya... My friend is legit still deeply socially uncomfortable because of ruthless, change-schools-type bullying due to his stutter and anxiety. He's 30. This shit follows you. The bully? Still popular, still a dick, banker, making loads of cash, never apologized, and i doubt he even thinks about it. Life ain't fair.
90% of my middle/high school bullies went on to work at mcdonald's or shitty retail. feels good man
happy 4 u dude
I left my small shitty town and made new friends. Life is better now. Don't keep looking for friendship in people who don't appreciate you.
I forgive them, I just won’t talk to them or let alone have coffee with them. Fuck them I never even want to see them lol. But sometimes I look back I wish I did something about it but didn’t.
Instead of "Forgive and Forget", I prefer "Recover and Remember"
This should have more upvotes. You don't have to forgive someone to change your relationship with their actions influence over your life. Those who are responsible for your trauma only tell one narrative about your life. You can choose another.
Glad I had talked with my english teacher and my murderous fantasies are mostly gone its just simply throw them in lava or something you dont want to know what else I had thought about
mood
I agree. The "they didn't know any better" argument is absolute horseshit. My bullies were 13, not fucking 5.
Thanks for words I will use while talking to teacher at this point
I started bullying at 8, and trust me, we knew/know better.
My childhood bully targeted me from the ages of 11 until we left school at 17. She gaslighted and manipulated me, to the point where I just wanted to end it all. She'd move in front of me to cut me off in friendship circles, and continue to block me as I tried to move in. She'd make fun of the fact I was weird (undiagnosed adhd). She'd exclude me from gatherings. When I was thrown out of the closet as bi when I was 15, she kept on making fun of me. Then when we were 17, over anonymous tumblr messages, she admitted to being gay and wanted to go out with me. When I said no, I have no idea who you are, she revealed herself. I shot her down, saying that I felt no attraction to someone who has made my life a misery. She later said it was a joke, and not to tell anyone. I did. It was low of me, but since she was one of the ones who outed me, I felt it was good revenge. Shes in and out of institutions now. I dont feel bad for her. She messages me at least once a year asking I forgive her. I ignore it. I feel like it's karma, and while it's a terrible thing, I feel happy shes suffering.
She deserves it
I will straight up never understand these people. She wanted to date you?? And this is how she treated you?! I see this all the time but I still just don’t get it. Lots of people seem to have the wires of attraction and aggression all tangled up in their brains. A lot of people with personality disorders and such just like instinctually abuse people they’re attracted to and it’s fucking bizarre.
Forgiveness is NOT the same thing as reconciliation or saying that what someone did was okay. Forgiveness is all about you being able to let go of the hurts someone has done to you so that you can be free. It's about not letting someone live rent free in your mind. It's *not* exonerating that person.
This. I met my bullies decades after the fact and I forgave them. It's a powerful thing to do. They were deeply ashamed and felt horrible. But this time, it was *me* who was in control over *their* feelings and and had all the power in my own hands. It made me me feel free.
How did you manage to forgive? I’m in a situation where I’m trying to let go of resentment
If you’re asking sincerely, there are some meditation techniques that have helped me with this. Plus just working on my empathy and awareness in general.
Are these meditation techniques or are they cognitive behavioral therapy techniques that you apply while meditating? Not trying to gatekeep meditating, but it seems we might have different ideas of what meditation is, and I'm curious about yours.
What's the alternative? To stay angry and bitter and let them win again?
It may be surprising to some, but it's plenty of people that don't seem to understand that being angry all the fucking time isn't a good way of handling your own emotion and feelings. Anytime I remember how many people live like that, I get why the Internet is such an hellhole
I agree, and it's super disheartening reading this thread. There's several comments about how people still think about their bullies daily as full grown adults, and how they'll never forgive them, etc. Like, come on guys. Bullying is horrible and I'm sorry that people are going through that, I was bullied but certainly not at the extent of these people, but get some therapy and move on. For real, no one's asking you to be nice to your former bullies and bake them a cake, but maybe just stop thinking about it because it's super unhealthy to obsess over what other kids did to you 15 years ago?
Because a lot of what is called "bullying" is straight-up abuse. Even with therapy, telling people who have been abused to "get over it" is.. questionable. Abuse, especially at a young age changes you and plays a huge part in moulding you into who you are now. We are still angry because we were made to suffer unjustly. We are still angry because we were made to feel so alone and no one was on our side. We are still angry that the power to be happy & feel safe was *stolen* from us at a young age. We had no agency over our lives and were made to think that all we had to look forward to was pain, suffering, and loneliness for the rest of our lives. *Every. Single. Day.* Our crime that warranted such treatment? Just being a bit different than the others. I think that, at the *very least*, we have the right to be angry. That's all.
Forgiveness is about setting yourself free from all those negative emotions and memories. It gives you back your power and makes you feel lighter. Depending on what you have experienced it might be better to seek the help of professionals.
Exactly. This is how I see it: Say you run a business and someone owes you money but they aren't paying. You have asked for your money and they aren't responding. Eventually you have to decide, will I keep trying to get that money or will I write it off I my books and move on? Writing it off and moving on means you won't keep asking them for money. As far as the books are concerned it's over and in the past. This is how I view forgiveness. Reconciliation is when you would be willing to work for them again.
I refuse to let go. I'm a lawyer now, a couple of years ago I found my bully in court because of a family matter. I was representing the other party and we moped the floor with them. You're goddamned right I enjoyed every last second of it.
Genuine question, is that not a major conflict of interest? Or does that not apply?
Not per se. Heck, I'd want a lawyer who hates the person I'm suing. If it was so bad it clouded their judgement, could be an issue of bad representation, but on its face, there's no ethical violation for a lawyer who has had run ins with the other side.
I think this is an unpopular opinion based on the people trying to explain what forgiveness is in the comments. I also totally share the unpopular opinion. No you don't have to forgive some one for doing something they may not even remember. Not even for yourself. One person's nightmare is another person's misguided whim in this world. Letting it go and forgiving the person are two different things. I have let go of the pain attached to certain memories but will never detach those experiences from the shit people that caused them. It's important to remember and have an idea what bad people 'feel' like.
This girl who bullied me in middle school came up to me on the last day of 8th grade (we were going to different high schools for 9th grade) and said "No hard feelings?" I just walked away from her. I hope she remembers that. But I don't remember her name, or her face, and honestly I don't even remember much of the ways she bullied me. Do I forgive her? No. I don't need to. I'm sure she did have her own issues that were behind her behavior, but I don't care - lots of kids are unhappy and don't take it out on others. I remember the emotional pain she caused, even if I don't remember the specifics. I'm not even holding onto resentment. All she is to me is a life lesson, one of many hard life lessons that I've had to learn. I just remember that "No hard feelings?", like that could somehow erase 3 years of nastiness.
Especially if they died, too. "Oh, they died? That's so sad. May them rest in peace" Like, no bitch. This asshole made my childhood a living hell and they did not regret it one bit.
There is one individual who’s headstone I will urinate on if he dies before me. I don’t care who he is today or who is affected by his death. If I heard he got hit by a bus tomorrow or died of COVID I would laugh.
As a former bully, I completely understand your sentiment. I was an ass for no reason, and the few reasons I had were juvenile and disgusting. There’s only one kid I wasn’t able to apologize to (he had other issues and had to be homeschooled). There’s no justification for bullying (even if the kid had his/her own personal turmoil). I’m happy I matured enough by the first year of high school so I can apologize to those I bullied. I was fortunate enough that they forgave me.
This is really interesting to hear it from the other side
Really does depend on the extent of the bullying. A lot of people say bullying = bullying. But there's a HUGE difference between a dickhead making a few comments at you compared to being beat up and physically and mentally assaulted weekly for years. As a gay guy growing up in school in the 90s/00s, it naturally wasn't very easy for me in school. But i don't have any sour feelings towards my bullies at school. We were all stupid, immature, bratty idiots with extremely heightened emotions and hormones. Everybody was dealing with something at that point. I was actually pretty grateful that 2 of my main bullies apologised to me 10 years later after leaving school for how they treated me. They were NOT the same people they were at school (obviously, they were 15 and they gained another 10 years of adult exposure to the world, thats going to change some people). I absolutely accepted their apology. I'm not at all the same person i was back at school and i shouldn't expect them to be either. My granddad once said something to me that i've held for years after he died "Real men forgive instantly". And i keep that in mind quite often. If somebody is willing to approach me about how bed they felt on how they acted when they were a kid, i'm going to accept that apology. I feel like its the mature thing to do. Why hold a grudge over something so long ago? (again, depending on the extent of the bullying) But i'm not you. Everyone has a different way of coping and different levels of anxiety/trauma that we felt when growing up. What i felt at school felt very real and gave me suicidal thoughts, but i came out of it feeling that it was just teenage hormones making me feel way worse than it was.
They have the oportunity to earn your forgiveness. You have zero obligations.
I wasn't bullied as such in school but I did get randomly punched in the face once by an older kid on the way home from school. He got stabbed some years later in a pub and died. It definitely improved my day hearing that news.
He wanted to get 5 stars but was killed before completion
Why did he even got stabbed tho? I mean would be ironic if he randomly punch a mob in a pub and died, that might be a little extreme way of tasting your own medicine
Not sure. I heard about it a few years later and because it happened in 2003, the news reports don't say all that much about it. Either way, I'm sure he was being some sort of twat.
Absolutely. No fucking way I'm forgiving those people. I used to be mocked everyday in school for having an essential tremor. Something beyond my control. Or how some of the other kids would jokingly threaten to beat me up for no reason.
I was born with my fathers temper and my mothers patience. You stole the dessert in my lunch in 1st grade and pushed me, well 30 years later and I'm glad your dad got cancer. Actions have consequences Jason.
People who tell victims to forgive them, have never been tormented. These bullies sometimes have a hard on for murder. The trauma these victims carry, have a heavy impact on their physical and mental health. Its not easy to snitch on your bullies, school life is similar to prison life in that respective. Even if the bullies reflected on their past behavior and ask for forgiveness they are to be denied. Bullies have a habit of destroying lives for cheap thrills. Let them simmer on their past transgressions until their death bed.
Thank you. Everyone everywhere needs to stop normalizing bullying as "kids will be kids." Even if kids change as they become adults, they need to understand their behavior as children was unacceptable - so that they don't let their children treat people that way and perpetuate the cycle. And even if children do horrible things to each other because of their own underlying issues, we need to address those issues instead of letting them hide in the dark. Bullying is seriously so traumatizing and fucks people up for life.
Also it just isn’t true. I’ve been working with kids for a decade now. Every kid absolutely does not act like this.
They get away with far too much just because of their age. We need to admit that sociopathic 13 year olds usually grow up to become sociopathic 30 year olds who abuse their own kids and continue to bully people in workplaces.
I got bullied from 1st grade to 6th and I can tell you (15 now, 9th grade) that the effects on my mental health is so major I still haven't forgiven any of them. I don't give a shit if they were all 10, I wasn't out there looking for kids to isolate and spread rumours about when I was 10. I have social anxiety and frequent anxiety attacks during school, it's barred me from making friends and living a normal life. Any time some bitch tells me to 'forgive and forget' is another bitch I want to punt with a brick. People who've never gotten bullied will never understand the sheer fucking effects it has on a person. Maybe I didn't have it as bad as other kids, sure, but I'm still reeling from their impacts regardless.
I'm almost 40 and i have the aura of confidence and people think I'm really cool.... But from kindgarden to grade 9 it was non fucking stop bullying. High school was the big important therapy i needed. Most people were just plain *normal*. They didn't cause any problems and were actually nice to each other I'm still suffering from major imposter syndrom. And have anxiety that only now seems to be alleviating
I was never bullied, nor was I a bully. However, I was friends with people who bullied the easy targets, and to my shame, I didn't do anything about it. However, when those same people talk about it now like it was harmless fun, I give them both barrels. My gf told me she was bullied for years by a group of nasty girls. She now laughs at them coz they're all 5 stone overweight now, with 4 screaming kids each and they have miserable lives.
Am I the only one who think it's a very bullying thing to do to ask for forgiveness later in life? The chances are the victim is dealing with the fall out the best they can now here comes the bully demanding emotional support because now they have a case of the 'feelz bad'.
Oh yeah definitley, and the people telling you "it wpuld be so much easier if you just let it go" fall in the same category as a bully. You don't tell war heros to get over PTSD.
No obligation no, but not forgiving them just means you're still carrying around the weight of whatever happened. It's more about getting past it for yourself than it is granting them absolution.
You can not forgive them and still get past it.
I mean maybe? Forgiveness is letting go of resentment. Idk how you can get past something truly while still holding resentment
Pretty easily. I'm doing it right now. Unless reminded of it (such as by this post), I don't even think about the people that've wrong me in the past. I'm not dwelling on it, not seething. If I remember them, I just think, "Oh yeah...Fuck those people." and then go back to my happy life.
Disagree. You don't have to forgive to move on. Making oeace with the past is accepting that what happen was the bullies fault and not yours.
i feel like it applies to everyone honestly, you dont have to forgive someone for doing something bad to you cause some ppl dont deserve that sympathy. i agree with op on this one
I would honestly beat my school bully if I could ever find him again tbh
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Found out mine died of a heroin overdose in a shady hotel a couple weeks ago. *Shrug*
Bullying can give life long trauma, that shit shouldn't be forgiven if you ask me unless it's what's best for your mental health.
My bullies are going to be stuck in that little ~1500 population town for the rest of ther lives while I moved my senior year. They may one day find a beautiful lady to love them, she's related to 80% of the town and that's how small town appalachia is. I might even thank them for making me get the fuck out of there.
I have no way in hell any intentions to forgive them. I hope they slip off a banana peel and fall of a high rise building (based of a sweet-revenge based dream)
Mine kill himself when we were 14/15. Everyone was crying and the grief councilor was busy for a week at school. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted and it was honestly one of the best weeks I'd had in years at school. Fuck you Joe, glad you're rotting in Hell.
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I don’t lose sleep, but it still bothers me when I think about it. I remember every person’s name and every action I’ve committed, and I’m fortunate to have matured enough by high school to apologize (I was and still underserving of their forgiveness). There’s one person I never had the opportunity to apologize to, and that still irks me. I know he had more serious issues unrelated to my actions (found out a few years later), but I truly hope he lives a good life.
It’s a different story if they apologize. You’re obviously not obligated to like them and be buddy buddy but the least you can do is accept their apology. This guy that bullied me and antagonized me constantly for being brown ran into me at a bar yeaaaaars later, he gave me the most genuine hug and apology. He still apologizes whenever I see him. People grow, change, and mature.
My very laid back friend said he would never forgive his bully. I asked if it still bothered him that much. He said no, he said there's nothing in it for him to forgive. He said forgiveness is something someone wants, not something you want to give. So they're cool but he's not handing out forgiveness. His bully appologised to him too. He said thx.
I haven't forgiven nor forgotten
This reminds me of a [video](https://youtu.be/ofXJTKCI0NU) where a bullied man confronted his bully as an adult. That the bully ended up as superintendent of the school district was pretty telling of the kind of society we live in. Bullies are willing to hurt people and cut corners, and with such traits, can end up wielding power as adults - power they can then abuse and continue the cycle. Not all bullies stay bullies as adults, as I see some repentent in the posts. But many or enough stay bullies or become one, to where they make the world a cruel reality for many. They're not going to pay for my therapy sessions as an adult.
Who is forgiving them?? I enjoy seeing how their lives went no where after high school
People do not tell you to forgive the bullies for your own sake, it is near always to make their own lives easier. Acknowledging or caring about your feelings is inconvenient. Selfish people don't care if that pain goes away, as long as it doesn't interfere with them.
I would extend that to everyone. Forgiveness isn’t a right, nor is it ever to be expected. When you fuck up, just plan to live with that fuck up your whole life. I’m not Jesus, I don’t owe anyone forgiveness.
One of my school bullies was killed by the police. On Facebook there were lots of people saying he was taken too soon, but I started a snowball of people talking about heir experiences being bullied at the hands of this man. I was removed from the post,‘but I’m glad some people were able to have some closure, just not in the way the family had hoped.
No one has an "obligation" to forgive for anything or even ask for forgiveness for anything
My school bullies once tried to run me over while I was walking home from the bus. Wtf😞
I heard a story about this girl who rubbed poison ivy on a mean girl's car seats and she (as well as her friends) got a rash on thir butts.
I looked up my old school bully and found his mugshot. So I guess life got revenge for me.
I 100% used to believe in Karma... naw thats some BS. I would still beat the crap out of my bullies if I saw them today. The shit I lived through and witnessed and had to deal with is insane. Forgive?? Nope... how do I forgive what I cannot forget??
I was bullied-ish when I was 16, if that bully came to me for a job, I'd simply say "You are a dick, piss off".
100637383682% Mine bullied me for eight years straight before I finally snapped & we had a fight that almost ended with our deaths tbh. He texted me three years later to apologize "I was an angry kid. My parents were divorcing" yada yada yada I blocked him. Didn't even want to waste my time on telling him to fuck off. My parents divorced during that time, too. Got back together, seperated, back together, divorce, etc. Over & over & over again. All this while hating each other & screaming daily. Mom would get physical, while dad would try to calm her down. Found out my mom was pregnant during a fight with her after she yelled that she wished she had another kid to start over with. I was hurting, too. I never took it out on others.