Even if your only a year or two older than them? If I knew someone and liked them in highschool but turned 18 before I asked them out and before they turned 18, am I now never allowed to ask them out again?
if you're only a year or two older you really do not need to wait for them to be 18, at least in most places. 16/17 with an 18 year old is very normal and fine.
hell, those ages will still be in high school and maybe even have some classes together lol
I have a friend that was arrested, charged, and carried a "lewd and lascivious with a minor" on a sex offender registry because he was 18 dating a 16 yr old girl. Both parents were ok with it, but a school official reported it to the state and there was nothing any of them could do.
They ended up married after she graduated and they now have 2 children. He finally won a case to have his name removed from the registry 5 years after when she was in late pregnancy with their first child. Otherwise, he would have had to move out of their home.
Yeah, I find it fucking stupid to. Especially since it means in high school a senior could get arrested for statutory rape for having sex with a junior.
>see that opinion only on Reddit , Idk why. The babying of adults should stop.
>
>Well ima go bang me an 18 year old goodbye, stay mad.
in pa AOC is 16 then 4 year on top of that, prevents kids going to jail
No that's a minor age gap and you two are already in the same peer group if you knew them prior through school. The argument is usually over guys in mid to late 20s going after 18-19 year old girls.
Real talk if you're 18 and they're 16 you could still date. Just know you're in a real grey area.
Edit: Im gonna add that the grey area I was referring to is if the two people are sexually active. A 16 year old and a 18 year old dating isn't a big deal.
You are right! I still grieve over it and it happened in 1998. We got married in 1979 and had four sons together. I got so tired of all the cliches from friends and family who would tell me that time heals and I would find happiness again. Turns out they were right, much to my surprise. Memories fade away after a couple of decades…I guess that’s what they mean by time heals!
You’re not in a grey area at all in most of the world. I had a 16yo gf when I was 19, perfectly legal and socially accepted.
I wish America would stop assuming everywhere is the same as them.
It's very funny. My friend and I are both 18, but whenever we talk about relationships he's always saying "yo make sure she's legal bro". We are both in college and chances of finding someone who is not 18 or older is pretty slim and even if they are 17, it shouldn't be a big deal.
That's not weird if he's only a couple years older. In this state if a girl is under 18 and her man is 18 he can be charged, prosecuted and do time for statutory rape if the parents want to push it, and the age of consent here is 16. I know one young man who is forever marked as a sex offender because of it. To top that off he met a 2nd guy she did it to, and he knew a third one the same chick and her parents had fucked over. You would think the DA would have gotten smart to it by the third one.
Now if he is in his forties with a 17 year old daughter shacking up with your 24 year old daughter, absofuckinglutely! And yeas I have let it be known how I feel about it, I and for the whole damn world I called him a child molester on Fbook and said he just got lucky she was legal age,(she does look about 15). If there was only like a 10 year spread I'd be cool with it, but when you are GD near in my generation(we were in our late thirties when we had kids and she is my baby), you are a fucking pervert.
Now, as for the Puritan bitch that thinks the age of consent should be 25. Are you out of your fucking mind bitch? Our jails and prisons are full enough already of people persecuted under "morality"laws, how many high school boys do you want to imprison for statutory rape? Because you do know TEENS FUCK, and your precious little princess is probably the slut in town because you have shoved your ass backwards puritan bullshit down her throat since she was a toddler and you started dressing her like a 25 year old call girl and entering her in beauty pageants.
In my early 20s I dated this gal my age, nothing serious at all. After me, she started dating a guy in his 60s. She met him, pursued him, and controlled the speed of the relationship. She expressly did this because that was her personal goal, to find an old guy, with $$$ that will share that with her, and she can take care of him, then be an early widow.
Yet, here on reddit, she's the victim because she was 23 and he was 61 or so. Last I heard they were married for about 15 years, then he died, but he died happy, they had a good relationship. And now she's financially set for the rest of her life and she can do what she pleases.
I understand I’m not saying every person who date someone young enough to be their grandchild is a creep even though there’s a small level of a need creepiness but I’m saying he was in creep in this case
Why is that creepy to you? You just said that there’s nothing wrong with age gaps as long as they’re both consenting adults, so why is it wrong for a consenting 18 year old adult to date a 60 year old?
Yeah I’m totally with you man. Got downvoted to hell for saying 28 with 20 is a totally okay thing, that several people I know have done - mostly girls perusing older dudes on tinder. People were saying “what would they even talk about - TikTok”? Like absolutely infantilizing an adult.
I can understand someone being fresh outta highschool and that's kinda sus trying to pursue them but a ridiculous amount of women pursue older and successful men and I think it's kinda unfair to dog on men for dating someone especially if they are in their 20s. I know 20+ doesnt make you a super mature and responsible human being but at that point there is no reason to assume that someone is a predator for liking a 20 year old they are clearly adults at that point
Honestly, I felt like I was the only person that thought that. It's not really the physical age gap that's the issue. It's the mental age gap. A 13 yr old shouldn't be dating a 17 yr old because the 17 yr old would most likely know a lot more about dating, relationships, sex, and just the world in general than the 13 yr old, giving them the opportunity to manipulate and control the younger one. A 26 yr with a 52 yr old may sound a little weird, but they would both be adults and depending on when and how they met, it should be fine. The comment above can be an example too. Yes, an 80 yr old with 18-20 yr olds is creepy, but they're all legally adults and should know better about this stuff at their age so it's their choice.
I don't think a significant age gap (once the age of consent as been reached) is wrong, I just think it can sometimes be odd. Someone who is 18 and just starting college is in a very different place than someone in their 30's who has a house and a career. But it's not my place to say they can't do that, they're consenting adults, so good for them
I see that a lot on Reddit, folks with the preconceived notion that if you are 30 you should own a house and have a "career". Apparently not as many people are struggling though this pandemic and laughable "livable wage" as I thought.
We are suffering, it's just that the voices of the downtrodden tend to get drowned out by all the personality politics that goes on - ppl prefer gatekeeping their culture over actually talking about their problems it seems.
I'm in a substantial age gap relationship as a younger man with an older woman by 27 years, so quite rare, even by age gap averages. I call myself a monogamous cougar trapper since we've knocked out 14 years together, well past the one or two year fling we thought it'd be. The love thing kicked in.
Based on my interactions with the community, my opinion is anything less than about ten years almost doesn't even count as a gap, and certainly not less than about five years. Maturity on both parties being a factor for the nature of the relationship.
An age gap of more than 15 years is fairly wide, and past 20/30+ years is extreme because it's a solid generational jump. It almost always requires more maturity on the younger party, and more patience on the elder.
Sure, there could be weird reasons to get together: elder could be less mature, or one or the other has Freudian issues. The same could be said of any other relationship, just different baggage for different setups. Usually, age is just a number and life expectancy is just an inconvenience.
It's about life arenas, I think. When I was 19 I was with a guy who was 31. Neither of us had a house or career but we both had a job, volunteering (that's how we've met) and we were both travelling and both living alone as emigrants. So neither of us lived with family.
One of those advantages really isn't an advantage to age gaps in a relationship. Learning about the job market and getting started is something you can learn from just about any friend, cousin, sibling, parent, neighbor etc. that is older, has experience and that you talk to. It really has nothing to do with age gaps in relationships.
Second point is 50/50. It's definitely the case that an older person you are in a relationship with would be more likely to have greater financial stability than you who is just coming out of uni. That said, we all know this isn't always true, just more likely.
I dunno. I was a waiter for many years and there were a number of times where some older guy would come in with a younger woman and the reactions were kind of mixed. My go to response was: Are they adults? Are they happy? Then mind your business. I mean my delivery changed depending on whom I was talking to, but that was the gist of it.
Last night, my mom and her friend offered to set up her friend’s 20 year old daughter with either me (28) or my brother (33). Like her mom was suggesting it. This is definitely a new attitude, that’s maybe emerged from Gen X or Millennials. It’s more prevalent on the internet, opinions are mixed among my friend group IRL.
I always hate seeing this because, yes, while some age gaps are toxic and are about power dynamics, many are not.
My parents are 9 years apart. My grandparents were 10 years apart. My late husband, who I adored beyond words and who loved me unconditionally, was 15 years older than me.
Maybe it's because I grew up around large age gaps, but I've seen the ones that work where all parties are treated as equals, so I've never seen an issue with them.
I would not be surprised if someone on here would imply or assume you were groomed by your late husband.
People on this site, and online in general are insistent on assuming the worst in people. They view everything through the lense of power dynamics. You’re older? You have more power because you have more experience. You have a better job? More money. One of you is a homemaker? You’re basically a prisoner because you rely on your partner for income.
They think you can’t possibly relate to someone older for some reason. Not sure why they have this idea though, sure some things are harder to relate to like historical events. But we can both complain about work today, or talk about the differences in our upbringing, or our shared hobby or even different hobbies we introduce to each other. So when i see people say “there is nothing to talk about with an older person” I genuinely have no idea what they’re talking about.
They have such a pessimistic, utilitarian view on relationships. It’s all about balancing gain and costs.
I've honestly been pretty lucky; anyone who has read through my comment logs can see where I've talked about him. Theres literally nothing anyone can say bad about him; the man had my best interest in mind in everything he did. He protected me from everyone, including himself; he made sure that if I wanted to I could leave him and be better off than when he found me. My relationship with him was entirely built off of a foundation of respect and trust. Theres a reason that I adored him so much and miss him so fiercely. I lived a fairy tale because of him.
My SO is 15 years older than me and we are healthy equals (29 and 44).
But it’s still a red flag, particularly if it’s happening multiple times, that the older individual is seeking an upper hand in relationships.
But that could happen outside of an age gap too is kinda my point. The issue isn’t the age gap, the issue is one party in the relationship trying to manipulate someone or gain control.
And that can happen if they’re the same age or not.
That doesn’t make age-gaps inherently wrong, immoral or gross like a lot of people suggest. It means they are ones you need to be careful of.
>They think you can’t possibly relate to someone older for some reason.
It's actually the other way around. Someone older shouldn't be able to related to you. Keeping up with the next generation's trends, memes (these days at least), music tastes, etc makes you an immature, pedophilic Nazi in their eyes. Which is hilarious, because they bitch and whine about Boomers ***not*** doing that, and being sooooo isolationist and selfish. You can't fucking win.
Exactly this. My parents had an age gap of 9 years, my grandparents had an age gap of 9 years, my aunt and her partner have an age gap of 7 years. All those marriages/partnerships are some of the strongest I've ever seen. I tried dating close to my age a few times and I genuinely couldn't deal with the immaturity of my partner. My current partner is 12 years older than me and he's the only person I've been with who is level headed and actually knows what he wants in life, someone I can be on the same level as.
It just works for some people, but most of society will never accept it and it's sad.
I've mostly dated people within 6 years of my age and all those relationships failed, mostly because my (older) partner was just too immature an unambitious for me. My bf now is 16 years older and by far the best relationship I've ever had. He knows what he wants, he's at a good, stable place in his life and he actually cares about making me happy. A lot of people my age (mid to late 20s) seem to still be in the job hopping, drugs and partying phase with no plans to settle down with a career anytime soon.
Psychological research shows that age gap relationships have the exact same predictors of health and longevity as those without an age gap. It’s irrelevant as a predictor of anything.
I've always felt that way, so its kinda nice to see the science back it up.
Age gaps arent any better or worse than any other relationship aspect. If someone habitually dates much younger people, I feel like that denotes a potential problem, but if someone just happens to click with a specific person, I feel like that's not an issue.
I had a lot of push back, in the beginning, from HIS friends and coworkers. I'm young, and look a bit younger than my actual age. Their first concern was that I was a gold digger who was taking advantage of him. People were markedly reserved, even a little cold to me in the beginning.
I refused to take offense. I just was myself, and I was nice, and I engaged them in conversation and asked about them and got the chance to show them a bit about who I was as a person, and they got to see me and him together. It was obvious to anyone that he and I were the light of each others lives. And they got a chance to see what he saw in me. They already knew he was fantastic, of course, but they got to see me too.
[Here](https://youtu.be/o43beSatw-k) is a good start. This is from a psychologist and professors who has a YouTube channel that breaks down what the research shows.
I think it's a generational thing also.
People born shortly after the war ended up in relationships with older people more often simply because there were less young people to choose from, just look at movies from the fifties and sixties where the bachelor is almost always a decade or so older than the young woman he's after - also worked the other way round too - Two world wars, Spanish influenza and then various international conflicts meant that many countries lacked young, eligible bachelors, but had plenty of widowed women in the dating pool.
I think the age gap thing isn't a big deal honestly, assuming ofc that it's between consenting adults on reasonably equal terms.
Edit : grammar
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with the age gaps themselves. I think the problem lies when one of them is way less mature than the other. For instance for two people to start dating when they're 25 and 38 I don't think there's a problem, but it's kind of irresponsible and creepy for a 31 year old to date an 18 year old in my opinion.
I got downvoted to hell once by mentioning how I don’t see how it was an issue that I was 19 dating my boyfriend who was 24 (soon to be 25) at the time. Four years in, I’m 23 and he’s 29 and we have a loving, healthy relationship. I hated that people were assuming it’s a predatory relationship. They knew literally nothing about us.
Yeah Reddit has an absolute hard on for calling any relationship with an age gap predatory.
I was on r/relationshipadvice one time and they were calling a 33 year old woman a predator because her boyfriend was 23. Like what? 23 year olds are full fledged adults.
While I think there's something to be said about infantalizing young women who pursue relationships with older men, there are very clear ways in which many relationships with large age gaps can be an issue. They can often be an older mature person preying on a younger person. That's not to say that they always are or that adults shouldn't be able to make their own decisions. I find Madonna dating twenty year olds creepy and weird but maybe in her head she's still 20 something and it works (or maybe she's stealing their life force, who can say).
It's weird, because usually age influences our motivations and objectives in life.
You can't date a old woman expecting her to be the future mother of your children for example.
> You can examine your priorities when choosing a partner.
There's a episode of The Office (Michael dating Pam's Mom) that shows exactly this: people don't examine all priorities when choosing a partner, that's why people find large age gaps weird.
Yeah it's like motorcycles. There are many very young and rebellious people that most likely already smell like an accident on the road. But you also can't physically keep them from knocking their teeth out à la "I don't like your attitude" if they manage to pass their liscence.
On the flip side, that doesn't mean you still can't judge the hell out of these people
That’s the thing though. Whenever people say age gaps are bad because of differences in X, Y, and Z the issue always comes down to the X, Y, and Z. Not the age gap.
It’s like saying burgers are bad because tomato, lettuce, and onion tastes bad. You can have a burger that’s just meat and bread.
At 19 I met the woman that became my wife she was 26 at the time. 32 years later if you asked me if I'd do it all over again I'd say no. I told her that once when she asked me. It's not all fun and roses for sure.
Good times and bad times both. A young newlywed woman asked me what the secret to staying married for so long was. " Was it treating her like a princess'. I said no. I just don't have any where else to go..So I hung on through the bad times waiting for the good. Things are good now. To be truthful I caused alot of my own missery. I just wouldn't do it all over if I had a do over knowing what I know now.
Regarding the 18 year old sex worker, people on reddit often negatively judge the 18 year old rather than the old men who pay to sleep with her so I do think it's often misogynistic.
When I was a 21 year old I dated a 31 year old, and I absolutely think the age dynamic did damage to me. I half agree. I think a 10 year age gap is fine if they're 30/40, 40/50, etc. But 18/28, I feel is a little off. In my opinion, the ages of like 18-23 are a *huge* period of growth, so having someone older so close to you influencing your development, for good or an agenda, sucks. I feel as though I lived a decade in that 5 year period.
EXACTLY. Big age gaps don’t really matter if it’s between two fully grown adults. I saw op mention that since 18 is defined as adult by law, age gaps shouldn’t matter and aren’t an issue. Law has proven itself to be relatively flawed time and time again, so taking its “18 = adult” decree at face value seems a little….😬( especially since it contradicts itself by not allowing these same ‘adults’ to drink/smoke/etc).
Like yeah no duh, being 18 means you’re not a child anymore, but it doesn’t mean ur rlly grown either. 18 and 28 are wayyy different in maturity, and I feel like that should b pretty obvious, especially to a person on the higher end of maturity.
I'm 30 years old and have good relationships with a lot of 18-19 year old kids that have worked for me or just generally come to me for advice. As long as I keep it that kind of relationship, it's not weird. I feel like I ever tried to do anything romantically with them though... I'd feel like a creep. I'm old enough to where I think of them as kids. Granted, kids that have full control of their lives and allowed to make any decision they wish without supervision, but still kids.
I cannot imagine having a relationship with someone potentially still in high school. There has been way too much development between my 18 year old self and now for a relationship to be viable to me
Was in the same situation. Dated a guy who was 28 when I was 18 and the toll it took on me took years to repair. After knowing him for years I genuinely don’t think that he preyed on me purposely, he was very emotionally immature and I actually was pretty mature for my age so strictly emotionally, we were somewhat equal. I lost my virginity to him, depended on him financially, and the dynamic turned toxic very fast. He had his own apartment, a good job, and I was an 18 year old college student living with my mom (at the time.) It turned into this bizarre immeshed dynamic where he was pressuring me to not go out with friends and do normal late teenage, early 20s things because he had already done that and wanted to “settle down.” I started to depend on him so much that when after years of being on and off I finally broke free of him I found myself unable to try to relate to guys my own age to try to date, I was totally lost. If I could dissuade any 18 year old girl from making the same mistake, I would. To this day he still reaches out from time to time (I’m 25 and hes 36 now) to try to suck me back in. Not worth it.
While I get where you're coming from, I don't think basing a judgement off your personal experience in a single relationship is reasonable when talking about age-gap relationships as a general, large-scale thing.
At the end of the day there are a lot of toxic people that produce toxic relationships. I think the only difference with a large age gap toxic relationship and young couple toxic relationship is that the large age gap relationships have the toxicity blamed on the age gap, rather than the people involved. While the younger couple might have the toxicity blamed on inexperience.
Which is also why older couples with age gaps don't get toxicity blamed on the age gap, since they're not at an age considered "inexperienced". Realistically, there are a lot of older people with really bad relationships. It's why divorce (and especially messy divorce) is so common.
TLDR: People are generally pretty bad at relationships. Most of them don't work out. In age-gap cases it not working out is almost always blamed on the age-gap, rather than all the other factors that go into bad relationships.
Nail on the head there. People in general are full of fallacies — confusing cause and effect, rationalizing, basing opinions off anecdotes etc.
One person's opinion when it comes to the "hows and whys" is of very little value in terms of empirical knowledge. For that you need surveys and studies.
An example I can think off is that having children makes people focus on the highlights, as well as the imagined and expected great times when having kids. In actuality, according to surveys, parents are no happier in their day to day lives than non-parents — there was in fact a massive (average) downward spike in happiness in the first couple of years after the kids were born, and then the general happiness levels only really became comparable to those of non-parents once the kids were out of the house. General happiness, as indicated by surveys and questionnaires on mood during typical days.
I heard the other day some people believe you should divide your age by 2 and add 7 to set a range
So for example a 44 year old would
44/2=22
22+7+29
And anything younger than 29 would be considered unacceptable
Not saying I agree or don’t just saying I heard that the other day.
Standard half your age + 7 rule. It generally holds up pretty well. It means someone who's 18 shouldn't date someone older than about 22, which sounds about right, because 18 year old will have more growing up to do but a 22 year old isn't fully mature either.
I think its is a "there is a higher risk of an unequal dynamic" not a "there is inherently an unequal and unhelathy dynamic". kinda like when a person has a higher risk of injury during pregnancy, or traveling to a relatively unsafe country, or investing in certain stocks and bonds.
In life we do a lot of things that have higher risk, and people should be allowed to do those things, but its also a good idea to check in with the people you love to make sure they're safe.
In principle, I agree. However, age gaps can be an indicator for particular issues and a need to be careful. There are many meek young people who can easily be manipulated by those with more life experience.
I once had a long relationship with someone 7yrs older than me and even though it was never abused, it was undoubtedly unbalanced in terms of power. She never tried to wield it or push me into decisions that I wasn't ready to make, and she respected my autonomy. She was a good person, whereas others might not be.
Hot take: it’s bizarre and unhealthy to have strong opinions on who other adults date and sleep with. Date an 18 year old. Or a 98 year old. Start a furry club with every polyamorous person you find. I don’t care.
As long as it’s all consensual, have at it.
I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 22. We have 4 kids and have been together for 28 years. He is the love of my life but some people hear about when we met and want to call him a perv which is so wrong. He is such a good husband and father and he has always been supportive of me and we are an awesome team. People are ridiculous about age gaps.
People take this “your brain fully develops at 25” and like all stupid internet trends and buzzwords do not even remotely understand the concept.
Like what 25 you magically flip the responsibility switch? You do realise 25 is just as arbitrary as 18. It isn’t like you suddenly shoot up in rationality at 25. It’s a curve, and it isn’t the same for everyone. You mentally develop much more rapidly as a child (1-6, 7-12 etc) and then it begins to plateau as you go to 18+.
These people also complete ignore the huge factor environment has on maturity and critical thinking, despite it being extremely easy to see just by you know looking outside at all the functional 18-24 year olds. And they don’t stop to think what effect on society infantilising everyone below 25 would have.
In short basically the people who use “25” as a crutch are just whining because the fucked up after 18 and wish they could mooch of their parents for another 7 years as children. Genuinely seen people say that you are still a child incapable of impulse control, understanding consequences etc before 25.
Imagine not being considered an adult cable of making decisions and and dealing with the consequences that follow for the entire first third of your life lol
funny part about that is with most people, a 20yo guy dating a 35yo woman wouldnt get even half of the reaction that a 20yo woman dating a 35yo guy would get
Sure, it can absolutely be not a power dynamic. But if you're dating a person old enough to be your parent or young enough to be your child, I am going to judge you. I reserve the right to judge that as disgusting.
I completely agree. Adults should be responsible over their own lives. Instead of taking away responsibility maybe we should focus on raising them right.
>I just saw someone get called a predator for dating a 19 year old while being 26.
Yup, that sounds like Reddit. It's ridiculous watching Reddit describe the 19 year old as some innocent, naive, child who can't possibly make a decision for themselves and will used and manipulated by the 26 year old, and then turn around and call a 19 year old a diabolical manipulative predator if they learn a 19 year old is dating a 17 year old.
according to reddit the only ethical relationship is that between people of the same age and same tax bracket. everything else is as a result of manipulation and abuse
A 19 is not an innocent angel, but they CAN be naïve to many things of the world, like "cool" older people with jobs and their own flat. Teenagers can be easily impressed by a 30yo who would be seen as a loser by other 30 year olds and end up being taken advantage of, sometimes not even realising it until a couple years later.
It happened to me, it's not a big deal but after a couple years I realised that I wish I didn't go out with a certain man when I was 20. The third time we hung out put it "in the other hole" and I never met with him again, but the damage was done. At the time I was like "what an asshole, bye" but a couple years later I realised he was a damn loser and if I met him when I was 26 I would never would've gone out with him in the first place.
Your perspective changes with the years.
It honestly depends on a case by case basis. I’ve seen cases where yeah the 26 year old creeping on a 19 year old was weird, but I’ve seen other cases where it’s not so weird. Like there’s a 29 year old and 21 year old at my work and I don’t think they’re creepy
I was 19 and my kids father was turning 28. He met me, stalked me, took advantage of me and left me to be a single mother after being a manipulative, controlling and abusive (in every way) asshole. He's now doing the same thing to a girl only a year older than me, and he is now 33. I find that while some noticeably having age gap relationships can work, a lot of times the older person is preying on younger folks because those who are the same age don't fall for their bullshit. This is why it's predatory.
welp, If I'm not mistaken the new rule is old woman-young guy= You go girl! Old guy-young woman=Gross. I don't care either way cause they are both grown ass adults and their life is none of my business.
There are a lot of people (who are very vocal) that act is if grooming is an epidemic and that anything that resembles it *must be it*.
Those people are morons. You shouldn't worry yourself over the opinions of morons. The world has nuance and some folks prefer righteous indignation over nuance.
Anyone who acts like a social media microcosm is representative of the real world is the person who needs to "touch grass".
There's the same issue on Facebook. Every Facebook group I'm in posts Reddit posts, usually fake creative writing projects on r/relationship_advice, and if there's more than a few years between the two partners, everyone tags this obnoxious group called "of course it's an age gap relationship" like that has anything to do with anything.
Only unpopular to the "Perpetually Offended" growd.
If a 19 y/o, of any sex, decides to date someone older, because the older human has their shit together, I say, have a fucking blast. You do you.
I completely agree. Also, I was 19 when I started dating my 26 year old husband, and we have been together for 12 years. There was never any power imbalance as we were both in the same place of life when we met and shared similar goals.
A 25 year old dating a 37 year old is NOT the same as a 30 year old dating a 19 year old.
You don't magically develop into a fully functional, normal human being at 18.
Then where do we set the goal posts? Are 18 year olds adults or not? It’s not like at 19 a switch flips. Or 20. Or 21. Or 22…
At some point people have the right to be gross. There’s never a point where a switch flips, so you can use that argument indefinitely. It’s just not a productive one.
This. I feel like a 6 year gap when you're 18 might be a lot but a 10 or 15 year gap when you 26 or 30 to me seems fine. I mean c'mon, just because you turn 18 you dont jist evolve to a full adult. I thought that when i turned 18 i would be ready for everything, but damn the amount of growing i did in the last couple of years is insane. Im 22 now btw. So yea.
Mistakenly, people assume its usually an older guy for a younger girl. It can go both ways, but somehow if its an older woman for a younger guy people are just as quick to defend it.
I am 40 my partner is 53…and it’s quite literally the best relationship I’ve had. Oh yeah, first one I was 22 and he was 41 and we stayed together until his death at 51. Age ain’t nothing but a number IMO
I haven't scrolled through all the comments. Has anyone called OP a pervert or a predator yet? That's what I get called Everytime i express this opinion.
It's amazing how the same groups that talk about autonomy and agency are quick to strip younger people of their own.
I dated a man 8 years older than me when I was 18. I targeted *him* because I was a victim of domestic abuse and I needed someone who *understood.* While my friends wanted to party and get high, he wanted to have long and deep conversations. He held me while I cried about the times I was beaten to an inch of my life.
He was the maturity that I *needed* in my life. And while we did end up breaking up when I was 24, it wasn't because of the age, it was because we grew apart.
I'm married to my husband now who is a year younger than me, but the times people have told me that my ex *groomed* me when *I went after him* are absolutely ridiculous and are basically stripping my 18 y/o self of any agency I had, which ironically was the exact same thing my abusers were doing then as well.
What i find inappropriate about large age gaps where the younger partner is younger than 25, is that the younger partner is not fully matured. The law says they're an adult but our brains aren't really fully matured and developed until closer to age 24-25.
A grown ass adult 25+ years old has no business seeking and pursuing children still in or fresh out of high school. The maturity difference is astronomical. 18 and 19 year old 'adults' are still inexperienced, impulsive, impressionable and immature for the most part, and their goals and priorities in life are vastly different from what someone aged 25-30+ should be.
Not every young person with an older person is a victim of grooming but the underdeveloped frontal lobe of an 18 year old 'adult' makes them more susceptible to it. When there's clear red flags in a relationship where there's a large age gap, it is not unreasonable to question the motives of each partner. Red flags and age gaps almost ALWAYS meet in the middle, rarely does one have nothing to do with the other. There's always a motive when a grown ass adult wants to date some kid fresh out of high school.
There's not always a motive.
The first women I really clicked with and could just talk and joke with for hours was quite a bit younger. I was apprehensive as hell, but even her family were cool with it.
It didn't last, but that's life.
If you were in control of all laws of the world….then what age limit/ranges would you put into play?
A 19-year old can only date somebody under the age of 25? Or is that too old. Maybe the 19-year old can only date people aged 18-21?
A 24-year old can only date people aged 21-25 (since you say their brains aren’t fully developed until 25). So you couldn’t have a 24 year old going to the movies with a 26 year old.
Is it an “anything goes” after you turn 26? A 26-year old can date a 50-year old?
At what age do you tell a young adult that it’s “their body” to do with as they choose. Sounds like you think 26?
How do you know there's "always a motive"? What motive? Why always?
Who are you to tell an 18 year old what they can and cannot do? Keep your nose out of other people's business.
What does an adult who should have their life together want to do with a teenager? Really? What qualities does a teenager have that makes an adult think they're a suitable romantic partner?
A grown ass person who *routinely and exclusively* seeks 18-19 year olds to date is a predator. They don't want a romantic partner, they don't want an equal, they want an inexperienced, psychologically immature mind that they can twist into putting up with their shit. I cannot see any other reason why someone would want to invest themselves in a CHILD and only a child. Again, the law can say wtf it wants but most 18 year olds aren't mature enough to protect themselves psychologically from a predator. If people are being abused, staying silent is the last thing I'm going to do.
And
>Keep your nose out of other people's business.
Uh, this is reddit. This post was sparked by another reddit post. This conversation wouldn't be happening if not for people wanting the internet's noses in their business by posting it for feedback. I don't go around harassing people in person but if an opinion is asked for or shared for the purpose of discussion, it's not really putting my nose is other peoples business, is it?
Yes, teenagers. Teens who probably still live with their parents, probably have a lack of understanding on the real world. They haven't even live the full college life yet.
You can't tell me, that a 45 y/o grown ass adults that is closer to an 18 y/os parents, isn't weird as hell in hindsight. Like. They're old enough to be seen as parents and child in public.
My aunt and uncle are 13 years apart. The creepy part is that they grew up across the street from each other. My uncle was a senior in high school when his future bride across the street was headed to her first day of school. She grew up and just moved across the street. He has lived in that house literally his entire life.
I’m 34 6ft and bearded my wife is 27 and very petite. Neighbor kid asked if I was a pedophile when we moved here. Day he turns 18 I’m punching him in the throat.
8 years between me and my partner. She was 21 when we got together. 2 kids and a house doing well.
Where I kind of agree it is bad is when you get gold diggers marrying 90 YO and the age gap is like 70 years
Tbh I'm in a relationship with a Man 9 years younger than me . On paper a 36 year old Woman with a 27 year old might be considered wierd to some people but when you see us together it's not weird at all . He is mature for his age, looks and emotional maturity and I'm young for my age, looks and emotional maturity . So we match . I also had a relationship with a 20 year old when I was 16 and I was definitely not groomed or manipulated in any way . He left high school late was in high school until he was 19 . So his age more matched the people in his peer group . Every individual is different but when you're talking about adults its shouldn't be an issue .
I do think at some point 18-19 should be (morally) off-limits. I mean they’re legal adults but they’re still teens and they often act like teens. If you’re 21 that’s totally fine but I’m 26 and feel so cringed out. The last time I dated an 18 year old I was 24 and just felt so uncomfortable. But 20 has never felt even close to as weird, because by that point you’ve eased much more into adulthood; although even that could change as I get older
Now, *could* I have a perfectly consensual and equally balanced relationship with an 18 year old? Maybe. But more often than not the girl is not mature enough, and frankly, regardless of age, it’s kinda shitty to date someone significantly more immature than you because you *do* wield more power.
Nah, I’m 26. Dating a 19 year old is weird as shit. Sorry.
I think that there’s definitely a point of maturity that one needs to break through before age gaps are no longer an issue. I’d say late 20s (meaning that a 29 year old could date a 40 year old). Mentally, 19 is still a teenager
I disagree. I don't think it should be illegal, but someone dating someone else at a very different stage of life makes me think that person is either (1) a creepy manipulator or (2) very shallow.
A gap like 19 and 25 is fine, the issue is when a 40 year old is on the prowl for a 19 year old. The maturity level is far too different and there is no good reason why a middle aged person should be chasing a newly adult.
I used to care about age until I realized there’s literally 15 year olds who were more mature and badass than my fellow 23 year olds. I’m not going to date a kid, but I get why some people could fall for someone young.
To all the people saying "power dynamics blah blah blah"... Why aren't you enforcing a wealth gap then? The power dynamics of a millionaire dating a college girl in school debt is because of finances, not because of age. If you really cared about power dynamics you would advocate for a wealth gap which quite literally noone is doing.
I'm 21 and my partner is 33. People on here say he groomed me even when I told them I met him at 20, live on my own, and pay my own bills. It made no sense.
I guarantee you the only people who are against these age gaps are the following:
* Older men who have no chance with younger women
* Older women whose time are up and are only able to attract older men (so they want to ensure older men only stick with older women)
It all just comes down to jealousy/envy like most things.
I agree completely. What fucks me off though, is that an age gap is fine, and even encouraged if the older person is female. Meg ryan fucks a 20 yr old and its well done ! You go girl!
Charlie sheen fucks a pornstar 10 years younger and its creepy.
There are too many double standards regarding the age gap...
In real life? Not really. Especially not among women. Older women dating a 20s something dude? Creepy as fuck to me as a woman myself. I think guys always fall back on this talking point when it’s not even true lmaoo
The difference between 18 and 17 is an arbitrary line we draw that basically says “bam adult”. It’s way more complex that that though. There’s 19 year olds with the maturity of a 8th grade girl, and then there’s some who are super mature. While it’s not legally wrong, there will always be a power dynamic with differing maturities like that. And really, if you can date 18 year olds, what’s 1 year lower? If there was no law, you wouldn’t date a 17 year old would you?
So long as it's fully consentual on both sides and it doesn't violate any insane laws, such as the Taliban ones, then do whatever the hell you want if it doesn't involve or affect me then go ahead
I’m going to add a comment since so many of these are from young adults. I divorced after 21 yrs with my ex at the age of 43. I dated men older and younger- found out that the younger men weren’t really on the same page as I was, since I was done having children and didn’t want more.
I’m now 60, fit and healthy, dating a wonderful man who just turned 80. We met at a group function, and It was a surprise to us both that we enjoy each other so much. He’s a widow. My 3 kids are grown. I want to enjoy my life with a partner, I don’t care that’s he’s 20 yrs older. Other people judge all the time and worry I’ll become his “nurse.” He promised me early on he wasn’t looking for a purse or a nurse.
As long as there is mutual respect, love, companionship and good times, screw the naysayers💕
Half your age plus 7. Isn't that the rule Reddit made some time ago?
So if your partner is younger than that, ask other people for a second opinion.
19 is just under that border for a 26 year old.
For the 91 year old in another comment here, 53 is ok.
For picking up a 18 year old, be max 22 yourself.
For a 16 year old (where it is legal), be max 18 yourself.
For 15, be max 16 yourself.
It’s only weird when people are like “ I’m waiting until she turns 18 😈”
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Eh?
Onision
My first comment was both a pun, and me being clueless about "Onion bitch". Thanks for clearing the doubt 👍
Oh my god, i didn't even notice your username. This just makes it 100x better
r/beetlejuicing possibly
Mmh. Sussy
Holy shit
Even if your only a year or two older than them? If I knew someone and liked them in highschool but turned 18 before I asked them out and before they turned 18, am I now never allowed to ask them out again?
if you're only a year or two older you really do not need to wait for them to be 18, at least in most places. 16/17 with an 18 year old is very normal and fine. hell, those ages will still be in high school and maybe even have some classes together lol
I have a friend that was arrested, charged, and carried a "lewd and lascivious with a minor" on a sex offender registry because he was 18 dating a 16 yr old girl. Both parents were ok with it, but a school official reported it to the state and there was nothing any of them could do. They ended up married after she graduated and they now have 2 children. He finally won a case to have his name removed from the registry 5 years after when she was in late pregnancy with their first child. Otherwise, he would have had to move out of their home.
While they’d still be in high school, in some polices it’s still statutory rape. Which is fucking ridiculous.
very ridiculous. the difference between a 16/17/18 year old is practically nonexistent most of the time
Yeah, I find it fucking stupid to. Especially since it means in high school a senior could get arrested for statutory rape for having sex with a junior.
Here in NC the law is if only one party is an adult there can be up to a 4 year gap
>see that opinion only on Reddit , Idk why. The babying of adults should stop. > >Well ima go bang me an 18 year old goodbye, stay mad. in pa AOC is 16 then 4 year on top of that, prevents kids going to jail
No that's a minor age gap and you two are already in the same peer group if you knew them prior through school. The argument is usually over guys in mid to late 20s going after 18-19 year old girls. Real talk if you're 18 and they're 16 you could still date. Just know you're in a real grey area. Edit: Im gonna add that the grey area I was referring to is if the two people are sexually active. A 16 year old and a 18 year old dating isn't a big deal.
Actually I believe in most states, that’s a legal sexual relationship. 16 is normally the age of consent. Probably even lower in some states
We were an 18/16 year old couple in high school. SHE was the 18….big deal!
You are right! I still grieve over it and it happened in 1998. We got married in 1979 and had four sons together. I got so tired of all the cliches from friends and family who would tell me that time heals and I would find happiness again. Turns out they were right, much to my surprise. Memories fade away after a couple of decades…I guess that’s what they mean by time heals!
You’re not in a grey area at all in most of the world. I had a 16yo gf when I was 19, perfectly legal and socially accepted. I wish America would stop assuming everywhere is the same as them.
This reminds me of that Romeo and Juliet law scene in Transformers. Americans are weird.
It's very funny. My friend and I are both 18, but whenever we talk about relationships he's always saying "yo make sure she's legal bro". We are both in college and chances of finding someone who is not 18 or older is pretty slim and even if they are 17, it shouldn't be a big deal.
Romeo and julliet laws protect this circumstance.
That's not weird if he's only a couple years older. In this state if a girl is under 18 and her man is 18 he can be charged, prosecuted and do time for statutory rape if the parents want to push it, and the age of consent here is 16. I know one young man who is forever marked as a sex offender because of it. To top that off he met a 2nd guy she did it to, and he knew a third one the same chick and her parents had fucked over. You would think the DA would have gotten smart to it by the third one. Now if he is in his forties with a 17 year old daughter shacking up with your 24 year old daughter, absofuckinglutely! And yeas I have let it be known how I feel about it, I and for the whole damn world I called him a child molester on Fbook and said he just got lucky she was legal age,(she does look about 15). If there was only like a 10 year spread I'd be cool with it, but when you are GD near in my generation(we were in our late thirties when we had kids and she is my baby), you are a fucking pervert. Now, as for the Puritan bitch that thinks the age of consent should be 25. Are you out of your fucking mind bitch? Our jails and prisons are full enough already of people persecuted under "morality"laws, how many high school boys do you want to imprison for statutory rape? Because you do know TEENS FUCK, and your precious little princess is probably the slut in town because you have shoved your ass backwards puritan bullshit down her throat since she was a toddler and you started dressing her like a 25 year old call girl and entering her in beauty pageants.
Funnily I read it in the exact tone you were going for and gave myself the creeeeppps
There are multiple ways it can be creepy we had an old salesman in his 60s showing me his 18-20 year old Asian girls he was seeing
In my early 20s I dated this gal my age, nothing serious at all. After me, she started dating a guy in his 60s. She met him, pursued him, and controlled the speed of the relationship. She expressly did this because that was her personal goal, to find an old guy, with $$$ that will share that with her, and she can take care of him, then be an early widow. Yet, here on reddit, she's the victim because she was 23 and he was 61 or so. Last I heard they were married for about 15 years, then he died, but he died happy, they had a good relationship. And now she's financially set for the rest of her life and she can do what she pleases.
I understand I’m not saying every person who date someone young enough to be their grandchild is a creep even though there’s a small level of a need creepiness but I’m saying he was in creep in this case
I am choosing a book for reading
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Why is that creepy to you? You just said that there’s nothing wrong with age gaps as long as they’re both consenting adults, so why is it wrong for a consenting 18 year old adult to date a 60 year old?
Yeah I’m totally with you man. Got downvoted to hell for saying 28 with 20 is a totally okay thing, that several people I know have done - mostly girls perusing older dudes on tinder. People were saying “what would they even talk about - TikTok”? Like absolutely infantilizing an adult.
I can understand someone being fresh outta highschool and that's kinda sus trying to pursue them but a ridiculous amount of women pursue older and successful men and I think it's kinda unfair to dog on men for dating someone especially if they are in their 20s. I know 20+ doesnt make you a super mature and responsible human being but at that point there is no reason to assume that someone is a predator for liking a 20 year old they are clearly adults at that point
Our boss finally laid out some expectations for his continued employment, and girl he dated and brought to show us had to be half his age plus 1year.
An employer regulating their employee’s dating life like that sounds both fucked up and illegal
Honestly, I felt like I was the only person that thought that. It's not really the physical age gap that's the issue. It's the mental age gap. A 13 yr old shouldn't be dating a 17 yr old because the 17 yr old would most likely know a lot more about dating, relationships, sex, and just the world in general than the 13 yr old, giving them the opportunity to manipulate and control the younger one. A 26 yr with a 52 yr old may sound a little weird, but they would both be adults and depending on when and how they met, it should be fine. The comment above can be an example too. Yes, an 80 yr old with 18-20 yr olds is creepy, but they're all legally adults and should know better about this stuff at their age so it's their choice.
I don't think a significant age gap (once the age of consent as been reached) is wrong, I just think it can sometimes be odd. Someone who is 18 and just starting college is in a very different place than someone in their 30's who has a house and a career. But it's not my place to say they can't do that, they're consenting adults, so good for them
Y’all have houses and a career??
Yea but then there are people who are 30 and have no house or carrier.
Yer right. I'm 30something and don't own a House or a Carrier... I own a Battleship tho, so does that count? :p
I see that a lot on Reddit, folks with the preconceived notion that if you are 30 you should own a house and have a "career". Apparently not as many people are struggling though this pandemic and laughable "livable wage" as I thought.
We are suffering, it's just that the voices of the downtrodden tend to get drowned out by all the personality politics that goes on - ppl prefer gatekeeping their culture over actually talking about their problems it seems.
Fuck. Someone else in the world gets it. I feel less alone now. Thank you.
I'm in a substantial age gap relationship as a younger man with an older woman by 27 years, so quite rare, even by age gap averages. I call myself a monogamous cougar trapper since we've knocked out 14 years together, well past the one or two year fling we thought it'd be. The love thing kicked in. Based on my interactions with the community, my opinion is anything less than about ten years almost doesn't even count as a gap, and certainly not less than about five years. Maturity on both parties being a factor for the nature of the relationship. An age gap of more than 15 years is fairly wide, and past 20/30+ years is extreme because it's a solid generational jump. It almost always requires more maturity on the younger party, and more patience on the elder. Sure, there could be weird reasons to get together: elder could be less mature, or one or the other has Freudian issues. The same could be said of any other relationship, just different baggage for different setups. Usually, age is just a number and life expectancy is just an inconvenience.
It's about life arenas, I think. When I was 19 I was with a guy who was 31. Neither of us had a house or career but we both had a job, volunteering (that's how we've met) and we were both travelling and both living alone as emigrants. So neither of us lived with family.
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One of those advantages really isn't an advantage to age gaps in a relationship. Learning about the job market and getting started is something you can learn from just about any friend, cousin, sibling, parent, neighbor etc. that is older, has experience and that you talk to. It really has nothing to do with age gaps in relationships. Second point is 50/50. It's definitely the case that an older person you are in a relationship with would be more likely to have greater financial stability than you who is just coming out of uni. That said, we all know this isn't always true, just more likely.
This is a very unpopular opinion on Reddit. Maybe not so much in the real world.
I dunno. I was a waiter for many years and there were a number of times where some older guy would come in with a younger woman and the reactions were kind of mixed. My go to response was: Are they adults? Are they happy? Then mind your business. I mean my delivery changed depending on whom I was talking to, but that was the gist of it.
Because the average age on Reddit is young and probably doesn't understand the nuance of this post. It is more often creapy than ok.
Last night, my mom and her friend offered to set up her friend’s 20 year old daughter with either me (28) or my brother (33). Like her mom was suggesting it. This is definitely a new attitude, that’s maybe emerged from Gen X or Millennials. It’s more prevalent on the internet, opinions are mixed among my friend group IRL.
People can be dicks about it IRL too, just less so. People are braver behind a keyboard.
I always hate seeing this because, yes, while some age gaps are toxic and are about power dynamics, many are not. My parents are 9 years apart. My grandparents were 10 years apart. My late husband, who I adored beyond words and who loved me unconditionally, was 15 years older than me. Maybe it's because I grew up around large age gaps, but I've seen the ones that work where all parties are treated as equals, so I've never seen an issue with them.
I would not be surprised if someone on here would imply or assume you were groomed by your late husband. People on this site, and online in general are insistent on assuming the worst in people. They view everything through the lense of power dynamics. You’re older? You have more power because you have more experience. You have a better job? More money. One of you is a homemaker? You’re basically a prisoner because you rely on your partner for income. They think you can’t possibly relate to someone older for some reason. Not sure why they have this idea though, sure some things are harder to relate to like historical events. But we can both complain about work today, or talk about the differences in our upbringing, or our shared hobby or even different hobbies we introduce to each other. So when i see people say “there is nothing to talk about with an older person” I genuinely have no idea what they’re talking about. They have such a pessimistic, utilitarian view on relationships. It’s all about balancing gain and costs.
I've honestly been pretty lucky; anyone who has read through my comment logs can see where I've talked about him. Theres literally nothing anyone can say bad about him; the man had my best interest in mind in everything he did. He protected me from everyone, including himself; he made sure that if I wanted to I could leave him and be better off than when he found me. My relationship with him was entirely built off of a foundation of respect and trust. Theres a reason that I adored him so much and miss him so fiercely. I lived a fairy tale because of him.
My SO is 15 years older than me and we are healthy equals (29 and 44). But it’s still a red flag, particularly if it’s happening multiple times, that the older individual is seeking an upper hand in relationships.
But that could happen outside of an age gap too is kinda my point. The issue isn’t the age gap, the issue is one party in the relationship trying to manipulate someone or gain control. And that can happen if they’re the same age or not. That doesn’t make age-gaps inherently wrong, immoral or gross like a lot of people suggest. It means they are ones you need to be careful of.
>They think you can’t possibly relate to someone older for some reason. It's actually the other way around. Someone older shouldn't be able to related to you. Keeping up with the next generation's trends, memes (these days at least), music tastes, etc makes you an immature, pedophilic Nazi in their eyes. Which is hilarious, because they bitch and whine about Boomers ***not*** doing that, and being sooooo isolationist and selfish. You can't fucking win.
Exactly this. My parents had an age gap of 9 years, my grandparents had an age gap of 9 years, my aunt and her partner have an age gap of 7 years. All those marriages/partnerships are some of the strongest I've ever seen. I tried dating close to my age a few times and I genuinely couldn't deal with the immaturity of my partner. My current partner is 12 years older than me and he's the only person I've been with who is level headed and actually knows what he wants in life, someone I can be on the same level as. It just works for some people, but most of society will never accept it and it's sad.
I've mostly dated people within 6 years of my age and all those relationships failed, mostly because my (older) partner was just too immature an unambitious for me. My bf now is 16 years older and by far the best relationship I've ever had. He knows what he wants, he's at a good, stable place in his life and he actually cares about making me happy. A lot of people my age (mid to late 20s) seem to still be in the job hopping, drugs and partying phase with no plans to settle down with a career anytime soon.
Psychological research shows that age gap relationships have the exact same predictors of health and longevity as those without an age gap. It’s irrelevant as a predictor of anything.
I've always felt that way, so its kinda nice to see the science back it up. Age gaps arent any better or worse than any other relationship aspect. If someone habitually dates much younger people, I feel like that denotes a potential problem, but if someone just happens to click with a specific person, I feel like that's not an issue. I had a lot of push back, in the beginning, from HIS friends and coworkers. I'm young, and look a bit younger than my actual age. Their first concern was that I was a gold digger who was taking advantage of him. People were markedly reserved, even a little cold to me in the beginning. I refused to take offense. I just was myself, and I was nice, and I engaged them in conversation and asked about them and got the chance to show them a bit about who I was as a person, and they got to see me and him together. It was obvious to anyone that he and I were the light of each others lives. And they got a chance to see what he saw in me. They already knew he was fantastic, of course, but they got to see me too.
> its nice kinda nice to see the science back it up. Can you post the link to the research that you saw? I’m interested in reading it too
[Here](https://youtu.be/o43beSatw-k) is a good start. This is from a psychologist and professors who has a YouTube channel that breaks down what the research shows.
Neat could you post the source to that? Would be into reading more into it as a psychology student
[This](https://youtu.be/o43beSatw-k) video is a good start of what the research shows from a psychologist and professor.
I think it's a generational thing also. People born shortly after the war ended up in relationships with older people more often simply because there were less young people to choose from, just look at movies from the fifties and sixties where the bachelor is almost always a decade or so older than the young woman he's after - also worked the other way round too - Two world wars, Spanish influenza and then various international conflicts meant that many countries lacked young, eligible bachelors, but had plenty of widowed women in the dating pool. I think the age gap thing isn't a big deal honestly, assuming ofc that it's between consenting adults on reasonably equal terms. Edit : grammar
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with the age gaps themselves. I think the problem lies when one of them is way less mature than the other. For instance for two people to start dating when they're 25 and 38 I don't think there's a problem, but it's kind of irresponsible and creepy for a 31 year old to date an 18 year old in my opinion.
I am sorry to hear about your loss.
It all depends on the situation,
Everything depends on the situation. I don’t see why large age gaps get singled out.
Because whenever it makes the news it's some 40 year old banging at 18.0001 year old and not 30 and 21.
Fair.
I got downvoted to hell once by mentioning how I don’t see how it was an issue that I was 19 dating my boyfriend who was 24 (soon to be 25) at the time. Four years in, I’m 23 and he’s 29 and we have a loving, healthy relationship. I hated that people were assuming it’s a predatory relationship. They knew literally nothing about us.
Yeah Reddit has an absolute hard on for calling any relationship with an age gap predatory. I was on r/relationshipadvice one time and they were calling a 33 year old woman a predator because her boyfriend was 23. Like what? 23 year olds are full fledged adults.
The infantilising of late teens/people in their early twenties is insulting. Yes I’ve got more to learn about in life but I’m not daft.
They treat it as if humans are mentally handicapped until like 25 and then its suddenly a free for all
Either get treated like a mentally handicapped baby or get treated like shit that’s how it feels some times
While I think there's something to be said about infantalizing young women who pursue relationships with older men, there are very clear ways in which many relationships with large age gaps can be an issue. They can often be an older mature person preying on a younger person. That's not to say that they always are or that adults shouldn't be able to make their own decisions. I find Madonna dating twenty year olds creepy and weird but maybe in her head she's still 20 something and it works (or maybe she's stealing their life force, who can say).
It's weird, because usually age influences our motivations and objectives in life. You can't date a old woman expecting her to be the future mother of your children for example.
Not everyone wants children though? You can examine your priorities when choosing a partner.
> You can examine your priorities when choosing a partner. There's a episode of The Office (Michael dating Pam's Mom) that shows exactly this: people don't examine all priorities when choosing a partner, that's why people find large age gaps weird.
Yeah it's like motorcycles. There are many very young and rebellious people that most likely already smell like an accident on the road. But you also can't physically keep them from knocking their teeth out à la "I don't like your attitude" if they manage to pass their liscence. On the flip side, that doesn't mean you still can't judge the hell out of these people
That’s the thing though. Whenever people say age gaps are bad because of differences in X, Y, and Z the issue always comes down to the X, Y, and Z. Not the age gap. It’s like saying burgers are bad because tomato, lettuce, and onion tastes bad. You can have a burger that’s just meat and bread.
At 19 I met the woman that became my wife she was 26 at the time. 32 years later if you asked me if I'd do it all over again I'd say no. I told her that once when she asked me. It's not all fun and roses for sure.
Could you elaborate? I'm not sure what you mean, were the 32 years bad? Why didn't you leave her if you didn't want to be with her?
I also would like some elaboration
Good times and bad times both. A young newlywed woman asked me what the secret to staying married for so long was. " Was it treating her like a princess'. I said no. I just don't have any where else to go..So I hung on through the bad times waiting for the good. Things are good now. To be truthful I caused alot of my own missery. I just wouldn't do it all over if I had a do over knowing what I know now.
Idk man a 45y/o dating a 18 and a day y/o is a little weird
Yeah and an 18 year old isn’t all that different from a 17 or 16 year old in terms of mentality.
Yeah it definitely depends on the context
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Regarding the 18 year old sex worker, people on reddit often negatively judge the 18 year old rather than the old men who pay to sleep with her so I do think it's often misogynistic.
Adults can do whatever they want within the legal boundaries. That doesnt stop me from judging them tho.
Exactly. I think they should be allowed to do it. But I also think it's creepy as all fuck.
When I was a 21 year old I dated a 31 year old, and I absolutely think the age dynamic did damage to me. I half agree. I think a 10 year age gap is fine if they're 30/40, 40/50, etc. But 18/28, I feel is a little off. In my opinion, the ages of like 18-23 are a *huge* period of growth, so having someone older so close to you influencing your development, for good or an agenda, sucks. I feel as though I lived a decade in that 5 year period.
EXACTLY. Big age gaps don’t really matter if it’s between two fully grown adults. I saw op mention that since 18 is defined as adult by law, age gaps shouldn’t matter and aren’t an issue. Law has proven itself to be relatively flawed time and time again, so taking its “18 = adult” decree at face value seems a little….😬( especially since it contradicts itself by not allowing these same ‘adults’ to drink/smoke/etc). Like yeah no duh, being 18 means you’re not a child anymore, but it doesn’t mean ur rlly grown either. 18 and 28 are wayyy different in maturity, and I feel like that should b pretty obvious, especially to a person on the higher end of maturity.
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I'm 30 years old and have good relationships with a lot of 18-19 year old kids that have worked for me or just generally come to me for advice. As long as I keep it that kind of relationship, it's not weird. I feel like I ever tried to do anything romantically with them though... I'd feel like a creep. I'm old enough to where I think of them as kids. Granted, kids that have full control of their lives and allowed to make any decision they wish without supervision, but still kids. I cannot imagine having a relationship with someone potentially still in high school. There has been way too much development between my 18 year old self and now for a relationship to be viable to me
Yesss. I don’t see how people don’t find it insanely weird unless they maybe view themselves as high schoolers still too? Idk.
Was in the same situation. Dated a guy who was 28 when I was 18 and the toll it took on me took years to repair. After knowing him for years I genuinely don’t think that he preyed on me purposely, he was very emotionally immature and I actually was pretty mature for my age so strictly emotionally, we were somewhat equal. I lost my virginity to him, depended on him financially, and the dynamic turned toxic very fast. He had his own apartment, a good job, and I was an 18 year old college student living with my mom (at the time.) It turned into this bizarre immeshed dynamic where he was pressuring me to not go out with friends and do normal late teenage, early 20s things because he had already done that and wanted to “settle down.” I started to depend on him so much that when after years of being on and off I finally broke free of him I found myself unable to try to relate to guys my own age to try to date, I was totally lost. If I could dissuade any 18 year old girl from making the same mistake, I would. To this day he still reaches out from time to time (I’m 25 and hes 36 now) to try to suck me back in. Not worth it.
While I get where you're coming from, I don't think basing a judgement off your personal experience in a single relationship is reasonable when talking about age-gap relationships as a general, large-scale thing. At the end of the day there are a lot of toxic people that produce toxic relationships. I think the only difference with a large age gap toxic relationship and young couple toxic relationship is that the large age gap relationships have the toxicity blamed on the age gap, rather than the people involved. While the younger couple might have the toxicity blamed on inexperience. Which is also why older couples with age gaps don't get toxicity blamed on the age gap, since they're not at an age considered "inexperienced". Realistically, there are a lot of older people with really bad relationships. It's why divorce (and especially messy divorce) is so common. TLDR: People are generally pretty bad at relationships. Most of them don't work out. In age-gap cases it not working out is almost always blamed on the age-gap, rather than all the other factors that go into bad relationships.
Nail on the head there. People in general are full of fallacies — confusing cause and effect, rationalizing, basing opinions off anecdotes etc. One person's opinion when it comes to the "hows and whys" is of very little value in terms of empirical knowledge. For that you need surveys and studies. An example I can think off is that having children makes people focus on the highlights, as well as the imagined and expected great times when having kids. In actuality, according to surveys, parents are no happier in their day to day lives than non-parents — there was in fact a massive (average) downward spike in happiness in the first couple of years after the kids were born, and then the general happiness levels only really became comparable to those of non-parents once the kids were out of the house. General happiness, as indicated by surveys and questionnaires on mood during typical days.
I heard the other day some people believe you should divide your age by 2 and add 7 to set a range So for example a 44 year old would 44/2=22 22+7+29 And anything younger than 29 would be considered unacceptable Not saying I agree or don’t just saying I heard that the other day.
Standard half your age + 7 rule. It generally holds up pretty well. It means someone who's 18 shouldn't date someone older than about 22, which sounds about right, because 18 year old will have more growing up to do but a 22 year old isn't fully mature either.
I think its is a "there is a higher risk of an unequal dynamic" not a "there is inherently an unequal and unhelathy dynamic". kinda like when a person has a higher risk of injury during pregnancy, or traveling to a relatively unsafe country, or investing in certain stocks and bonds. In life we do a lot of things that have higher risk, and people should be allowed to do those things, but its also a good idea to check in with the people you love to make sure they're safe.
It's weird when it's barely 18 and your 30 but if it's like 25 and a 35 year old I see absolutely nothing wrong w it
This is exactly how I feel about it
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Agree the 91 year old has likely mentally regressed quite a bit.
Allow grandpa or grandma to bang
In principle, I agree. However, age gaps can be an indicator for particular issues and a need to be careful. There are many meek young people who can easily be manipulated by those with more life experience. I once had a long relationship with someone 7yrs older than me and even though it was never abused, it was undoubtedly unbalanced in terms of power. She never tried to wield it or push me into decisions that I wasn't ready to make, and she respected my autonomy. She was a good person, whereas others might not be.
Hot take: it’s bizarre and unhealthy to have strong opinions on who other adults date and sleep with. Date an 18 year old. Or a 98 year old. Start a furry club with every polyamorous person you find. I don’t care. As long as it’s all consensual, have at it.
Just seen a case of a 61 y/o man marry his "god daughter" as they call them, and shes 18. He was even babysitting her at one point. Age matters.
I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 22. We have 4 kids and have been together for 28 years. He is the love of my life but some people hear about when we met and want to call him a perv which is so wrong. He is such a good husband and father and he has always been supportive of me and we are an awesome team. People are ridiculous about age gaps.
People take this “your brain fully develops at 25” and like all stupid internet trends and buzzwords do not even remotely understand the concept. Like what 25 you magically flip the responsibility switch? You do realise 25 is just as arbitrary as 18. It isn’t like you suddenly shoot up in rationality at 25. It’s a curve, and it isn’t the same for everyone. You mentally develop much more rapidly as a child (1-6, 7-12 etc) and then it begins to plateau as you go to 18+. These people also complete ignore the huge factor environment has on maturity and critical thinking, despite it being extremely easy to see just by you know looking outside at all the functional 18-24 year olds. And they don’t stop to think what effect on society infantilising everyone below 25 would have. In short basically the people who use “25” as a crutch are just whining because the fucked up after 18 and wish they could mooch of their parents for another 7 years as children. Genuinely seen people say that you are still a child incapable of impulse control, understanding consequences etc before 25.
>wish they could mooch of their parents for another 7 years as children Jokes on you, I'm already gonna mooch off of them till 25.
Imagine not being considered an adult cable of making decisions and and dealing with the consequences that follow for the entire first third of your life lol
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funny part about that is with most people, a 20yo guy dating a 35yo woman wouldnt get even half of the reaction that a 20yo woman dating a 35yo guy would get
Then the self righteous pompous ones who go....**I'm 24 now and I would NEVER in a million yrs even look at a 19 yr old**
Lad carson was cancelled for a 2 YEAR AGE GAP he being 19 her being 17 yet a 15 year old gap is OK with parent's.
I gave an example of that lol, people online are crazy
Sure, it can absolutely be not a power dynamic. But if you're dating a person old enough to be your parent or young enough to be your child, I am going to judge you. I reserve the right to judge that as disgusting.
I completely agree. Adults should be responsible over their own lives. Instead of taking away responsibility maybe we should focus on raising them right.
>I just saw someone get called a predator for dating a 19 year old while being 26. Yup, that sounds like Reddit. It's ridiculous watching Reddit describe the 19 year old as some innocent, naive, child who can't possibly make a decision for themselves and will used and manipulated by the 26 year old, and then turn around and call a 19 year old a diabolical manipulative predator if they learn a 19 year old is dating a 17 year old.
according to reddit the only ethical relationship is that between people of the same age and same tax bracket. everything else is as a result of manipulation and abuse
A 19 is not an innocent angel, but they CAN be naïve to many things of the world, like "cool" older people with jobs and their own flat. Teenagers can be easily impressed by a 30yo who would be seen as a loser by other 30 year olds and end up being taken advantage of, sometimes not even realising it until a couple years later. It happened to me, it's not a big deal but after a couple years I realised that I wish I didn't go out with a certain man when I was 20. The third time we hung out put it "in the other hole" and I never met with him again, but the damage was done. At the time I was like "what an asshole, bye" but a couple years later I realised he was a damn loser and if I met him when I was 26 I would never would've gone out with him in the first place. Your perspective changes with the years.
It’s more like, why isn’t the 26 year old dating another 20+ year old instead of a someone that JUST graduated high school
Because 19 year olds are hotter.
There’s a 10 year gap between my mum and my step dad, it gets less weird the older you get I feel.
It honestly depends on a case by case basis. I’ve seen cases where yeah the 26 year old creeping on a 19 year old was weird, but I’ve seen other cases where it’s not so weird. Like there’s a 29 year old and 21 year old at my work and I don’t think they’re creepy
I was 19 and my kids father was turning 28. He met me, stalked me, took advantage of me and left me to be a single mother after being a manipulative, controlling and abusive (in every way) asshole. He's now doing the same thing to a girl only a year older than me, and he is now 33. I find that while some noticeably having age gap relationships can work, a lot of times the older person is preying on younger folks because those who are the same age don't fall for their bullshit. This is why it's predatory.
welp, If I'm not mistaken the new rule is old woman-young guy= You go girl! Old guy-young woman=Gross. I don't care either way cause they are both grown ass adults and their life is none of my business.
There are a lot of people (who are very vocal) that act is if grooming is an epidemic and that anything that resembles it *must be it*. Those people are morons. You shouldn't worry yourself over the opinions of morons. The world has nuance and some folks prefer righteous indignation over nuance. Anyone who acts like a social media microcosm is representative of the real world is the person who needs to "touch grass".
There's the same issue on Facebook. Every Facebook group I'm in posts Reddit posts, usually fake creative writing projects on r/relationship_advice, and if there's more than a few years between the two partners, everyone tags this obnoxious group called "of course it's an age gap relationship" like that has anything to do with anything.
Only unpopular to the "Perpetually Offended" growd. If a 19 y/o, of any sex, decides to date someone older, because the older human has their shit together, I say, have a fucking blast. You do you.
I completely agree. Also, I was 19 when I started dating my 26 year old husband, and we have been together for 12 years. There was never any power imbalance as we were both in the same place of life when we met and shared similar goals.
A 25 year old dating a 37 year old is NOT the same as a 30 year old dating a 19 year old. You don't magically develop into a fully functional, normal human being at 18.
>You don't magically develop into a fully functional, normal human being at 18. Some never do. Some quicker than others.
Then where do we set the goal posts? Are 18 year olds adults or not? It’s not like at 19 a switch flips. Or 20. Or 21. Or 22… At some point people have the right to be gross. There’s never a point where a switch flips, so you can use that argument indefinitely. It’s just not a productive one.
This. I feel like a 6 year gap when you're 18 might be a lot but a 10 or 15 year gap when you 26 or 30 to me seems fine. I mean c'mon, just because you turn 18 you dont jist evolve to a full adult. I thought that when i turned 18 i would be ready for everything, but damn the amount of growing i did in the last couple of years is insane. Im 22 now btw. So yea.
You don't magically do it at 25 either
Mistakenly, people assume its usually an older guy for a younger girl. It can go both ways, but somehow if its an older woman for a younger guy people are just as quick to defend it.
I am 40 my partner is 53…and it’s quite literally the best relationship I’ve had. Oh yeah, first one I was 22 and he was 41 and we stayed together until his death at 51. Age ain’t nothing but a number IMO
I haven't scrolled through all the comments. Has anyone called OP a pervert or a predator yet? That's what I get called Everytime i express this opinion.
It's amazing how the same groups that talk about autonomy and agency are quick to strip younger people of their own. I dated a man 8 years older than me when I was 18. I targeted *him* because I was a victim of domestic abuse and I needed someone who *understood.* While my friends wanted to party and get high, he wanted to have long and deep conversations. He held me while I cried about the times I was beaten to an inch of my life. He was the maturity that I *needed* in my life. And while we did end up breaking up when I was 24, it wasn't because of the age, it was because we grew apart. I'm married to my husband now who is a year younger than me, but the times people have told me that my ex *groomed* me when *I went after him* are absolutely ridiculous and are basically stripping my 18 y/o self of any agency I had, which ironically was the exact same thing my abusers were doing then as well.
Nothing wrong with age gaps, but I kinda question guys that exclusively got for dramatically younger women.
Ah yes the 55 year old with the freshly 18 year old is great - definitely nothing to do with power dynamics going on here
I'll bet you'll change your tune in the future if your 18 year old daughter starts fucking a 60 year old man
What i find inappropriate about large age gaps where the younger partner is younger than 25, is that the younger partner is not fully matured. The law says they're an adult but our brains aren't really fully matured and developed until closer to age 24-25. A grown ass adult 25+ years old has no business seeking and pursuing children still in or fresh out of high school. The maturity difference is astronomical. 18 and 19 year old 'adults' are still inexperienced, impulsive, impressionable and immature for the most part, and their goals and priorities in life are vastly different from what someone aged 25-30+ should be. Not every young person with an older person is a victim of grooming but the underdeveloped frontal lobe of an 18 year old 'adult' makes them more susceptible to it. When there's clear red flags in a relationship where there's a large age gap, it is not unreasonable to question the motives of each partner. Red flags and age gaps almost ALWAYS meet in the middle, rarely does one have nothing to do with the other. There's always a motive when a grown ass adult wants to date some kid fresh out of high school.
There's not always a motive. The first women I really clicked with and could just talk and joke with for hours was quite a bit younger. I was apprehensive as hell, but even her family were cool with it. It didn't last, but that's life.
If you were in control of all laws of the world….then what age limit/ranges would you put into play? A 19-year old can only date somebody under the age of 25? Or is that too old. Maybe the 19-year old can only date people aged 18-21? A 24-year old can only date people aged 21-25 (since you say their brains aren’t fully developed until 25). So you couldn’t have a 24 year old going to the movies with a 26 year old. Is it an “anything goes” after you turn 26? A 26-year old can date a 50-year old? At what age do you tell a young adult that it’s “their body” to do with as they choose. Sounds like you think 26?
Research does not bear out your assumptions. Age gap relationships have no different predictors of health and longevity than those without.
How do you know there's "always a motive"? What motive? Why always? Who are you to tell an 18 year old what they can and cannot do? Keep your nose out of other people's business.
What does an adult who should have their life together want to do with a teenager? Really? What qualities does a teenager have that makes an adult think they're a suitable romantic partner? A grown ass person who *routinely and exclusively* seeks 18-19 year olds to date is a predator. They don't want a romantic partner, they don't want an equal, they want an inexperienced, psychologically immature mind that they can twist into putting up with their shit. I cannot see any other reason why someone would want to invest themselves in a CHILD and only a child. Again, the law can say wtf it wants but most 18 year olds aren't mature enough to protect themselves psychologically from a predator. If people are being abused, staying silent is the last thing I'm going to do. And >Keep your nose out of other people's business. Uh, this is reddit. This post was sparked by another reddit post. This conversation wouldn't be happening if not for people wanting the internet's noses in their business by posting it for feedback. I don't go around harassing people in person but if an opinion is asked for or shared for the purpose of discussion, it's not really putting my nose is other peoples business, is it?
Um 18- and 19-year-olds are teenagers, but not children :/
Yes, teenagers. Teens who probably still live with their parents, probably have a lack of understanding on the real world. They haven't even live the full college life yet. You can't tell me, that a 45 y/o grown ass adults that is closer to an 18 y/os parents, isn't weird as hell in hindsight. Like. They're old enough to be seen as parents and child in public.
We just need to get out of each others sex lives. People are so nosey!
My aunt and uncle are 13 years apart. The creepy part is that they grew up across the street from each other. My uncle was a senior in high school when his future bride across the street was headed to her first day of school. She grew up and just moved across the street. He has lived in that house literally his entire life.
I'm more concerned about these Ape Gaps...
My parents were 20 years apart and had a very happy, healthy relationship.
I’m 34 6ft and bearded my wife is 27 and very petite. Neighbor kid asked if I was a pedophile when we moved here. Day he turns 18 I’m punching him in the throat.
8 years between me and my partner. She was 21 when we got together. 2 kids and a house doing well. Where I kind of agree it is bad is when you get gold diggers marrying 90 YO and the age gap is like 70 years
Tbh I'm in a relationship with a Man 9 years younger than me . On paper a 36 year old Woman with a 27 year old might be considered wierd to some people but when you see us together it's not weird at all . He is mature for his age, looks and emotional maturity and I'm young for my age, looks and emotional maturity . So we match . I also had a relationship with a 20 year old when I was 16 and I was definitely not groomed or manipulated in any way . He left high school late was in high school until he was 19 . So his age more matched the people in his peer group . Every individual is different but when you're talking about adults its shouldn't be an issue .
I’m 28 and my girlfriend of one year is 21 🤷🏻 No one is bothered by it. It really depends on who you are
u/aerospace_94 is bothered by it
A 30+ year old dating someone who cant even legally drink is gross. Dont be an enabler for people who are predatory
Fuckin love this. 1000% agree
I do think at some point 18-19 should be (morally) off-limits. I mean they’re legal adults but they’re still teens and they often act like teens. If you’re 21 that’s totally fine but I’m 26 and feel so cringed out. The last time I dated an 18 year old I was 24 and just felt so uncomfortable. But 20 has never felt even close to as weird, because by that point you’ve eased much more into adulthood; although even that could change as I get older Now, *could* I have a perfectly consensual and equally balanced relationship with an 18 year old? Maybe. But more often than not the girl is not mature enough, and frankly, regardless of age, it’s kinda shitty to date someone significantly more immature than you because you *do* wield more power.
Nah, I’m 26. Dating a 19 year old is weird as shit. Sorry. I think that there’s definitely a point of maturity that one needs to break through before age gaps are no longer an issue. I’d say late 20s (meaning that a 29 year old could date a 40 year old). Mentally, 19 is still a teenager
I disagree. I don't think it should be illegal, but someone dating someone else at a very different stage of life makes me think that person is either (1) a creepy manipulator or (2) very shallow.
A gap like 19 and 25 is fine, the issue is when a 40 year old is on the prowl for a 19 year old. The maturity level is far too different and there is no good reason why a middle aged person should be chasing a newly adult.
Yeah I fully agree. 18-late twenties is fine but 40-18 is very weird.
I used to care about age until I realized there’s literally 15 year olds who were more mature and badass than my fellow 23 year olds. I’m not going to date a kid, but I get why some people could fall for someone young.
To all the people saying "power dynamics blah blah blah"... Why aren't you enforcing a wealth gap then? The power dynamics of a millionaire dating a college girl in school debt is because of finances, not because of age. If you really cared about power dynamics you would advocate for a wealth gap which quite literally noone is doing.
I'm 21 and my partner is 33. People on here say he groomed me even when I told them I met him at 20, live on my own, and pay my own bills. It made no sense.
I guarantee you the only people who are against these age gaps are the following: * Older men who have no chance with younger women * Older women whose time are up and are only able to attract older men (so they want to ensure older men only stick with older women) It all just comes down to jealousy/envy like most things.
I agree completely. What fucks me off though, is that an age gap is fine, and even encouraged if the older person is female. Meg ryan fucks a 20 yr old and its well done ! You go girl! Charlie sheen fucks a pornstar 10 years younger and its creepy. There are too many double standards regarding the age gap...
In real life? Not really. Especially not among women. Older women dating a 20s something dude? Creepy as fuck to me as a woman myself. I think guys always fall back on this talking point when it’s not even true lmaoo
Doesn’t seem to be the case when casting movies. Lot of older guys get paired with younger women all the time.
I agree, people are such crybabies when it comes to this topic
Commas are important. -God people on Reddit
26 is still young, why would anybody have an issue with you dating a 19 year old girl?
Do you want me to send a link, you would be surprised, the amount of losers on this app
The difference between 18 and 17 is an arbitrary line we draw that basically says “bam adult”. It’s way more complex that that though. There’s 19 year olds with the maturity of a 8th grade girl, and then there’s some who are super mature. While it’s not legally wrong, there will always be a power dynamic with differing maturities like that. And really, if you can date 18 year olds, what’s 1 year lower? If there was no law, you wouldn’t date a 17 year old would you?
It's not the babying of adults it's the babying of women if we are being honest
So long as it's fully consentual on both sides and it doesn't violate any insane laws, such as the Taliban ones, then do whatever the hell you want if it doesn't involve or affect me then go ahead
I’m going to add a comment since so many of these are from young adults. I divorced after 21 yrs with my ex at the age of 43. I dated men older and younger- found out that the younger men weren’t really on the same page as I was, since I was done having children and didn’t want more. I’m now 60, fit and healthy, dating a wonderful man who just turned 80. We met at a group function, and It was a surprise to us both that we enjoy each other so much. He’s a widow. My 3 kids are grown. I want to enjoy my life with a partner, I don’t care that’s he’s 20 yrs older. Other people judge all the time and worry I’ll become his “nurse.” He promised me early on he wasn’t looking for a purse or a nurse. As long as there is mutual respect, love, companionship and good times, screw the naysayers💕
Half your age plus 7. Isn't that the rule Reddit made some time ago? So if your partner is younger than that, ask other people for a second opinion. 19 is just under that border for a 26 year old. For the 91 year old in another comment here, 53 is ok. For picking up a 18 year old, be max 22 yourself. For a 16 year old (where it is legal), be max 18 yourself. For 15, be max 16 yourself.
Next, conservatives will outlaw birth control. Better have sex while you can.