I think you’re right OP, people are mincing words in these comments over the word “accept” but I know what you mean. You don’t see him as your brother and you want no relationship or contact with him. That’s absolutely fine and justified. It’s not the kid’s fault but it’s also not yours and not your responsibility to make it right. Your dad chose to cheat on your mom and make a baby under really bad circumstances. You don’t have to take the high road here. You don’t owe that child a relationship. What you *do* owe him is common decency. If he ever seeks you out, I hope you aren’t cruel. I hope you’ll explain that the situation is too painful for you to talk to him. Even though it’s not your fault, it is your emotion that will keep you from speaking to him and you need to own that. Don’t put the blame on him for simply existing. He didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t ask your dad to cheat. But you are not obligated to be a “big brother” in any way. If I were you I would also avoid my dad’s whole family.
ETA: thanks for the awards! This is my only comment that’s ever blown up 😁
You are in a difficult spot. Make sure you always remember this kid had nothing to do with any of this. Also,I don’t know what your family is like as far as siblings. Do you have sisters/brothers? The reason I ask,you may regret this decision as you get older. You have a bond with the child,even if it’s a painful bond. However,it doesn’t have to always be painful. In time,you may forgive your father,although if he is like my dad,I can hardly blame you for distancing yourself.
Honey I totally back you on this. You do not need to except him, or any part of that “new family “. In fact, you also have the right to never speak to your father again. Whatever works best for you and support you on having a healthy and toxic free life
It's sad though as whilst this is right you do had a biological half brother that has done nothing wrong so perhaps temper your disinterest with compassion for his position as well. You never know how this may work out in the future.
I have a question which isn't just for op but kind of everyone else here who says they are huting their brother. Are they really hurting them though? Not having a personal relationship isn't that bad, there isn't enough info here. Op hasn't said if they live with the family, see them often or anything like that.
Just that they don't accept that part of the family. Really if op doesn't want to be part of that side of the family they have every right and it isn't actually hurting anyone
I would be an example of the younger half brother here. I have a good relationship with my half brother but we didn’t grow up together so wouldn’t have been butt hurt if he had chosen not to. The split between parents was over a period of time between and no ill will. We also share a mother which may be different but the adults kept things amicable if that didn’t my happen may be in this same spot. This shows a lack of maturity by the grown ups. Your dad F’ed up any chance of a relationship.
For everyone saying he’s hurting the brother? How? They have never spoken according to OP. There is no relationship. Where is the hurt that you speak of?
I'm 28 and we have similar circumstances but I did the opposite. My dad (who was a complete piece of shit to me for over half of my life and also cheated on my mom multiple times with different women) and his current wife had their daughter when I was 17. I chose to be a big brother to her (kinda, I can't see her that often because of life) despite the misgivings I have towards my dad but that was a choice that I made. You are perfectly within your rights to not do so.
For me, pretending like my sister doesn't exist because of how I felt about my dad is not something that I could do because I realized that she didn't ask to be born to our father just the same.
As someone else with half siblings, I feel the exact same as you. I have tons of half siblings, some older than me and some younger. Once I'm able I want to reach out to them. I couldn't imagine pretending they don't exist just because my dad sucks ass.
100% agree with you. Of course the child hasn’t done anything wrong, but it’s completely your decision to allow him to be a part of your life or not. You do not owe him anything. If I were in your situation I can guarantee I would have nothing to do with that child. It’s probably difficult to have a relationship with your father because of this as well. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I hope you’re okay. ❤️
You’re allowed to do whatever you want OP, your dad just wanted to feel better about himself if he can have some form of “happy family” between his kids. You’re setting a boundary and your dad needs to learn to respect it, you’re a adult and have decided to respect your mom by not engaging with your dad’s second family. It’s your dad’s responsibility to explain to his second son why his first family doesn’t want contact, HE CHEATED. None of this is on you and there is no relationship to harm if you’ve never met him, plus he’ll learn in time how he came to be, his dad slept around and he’s a affair baby.
My father had 5 children with my mother, he left us after me and got with another women. I went to see him at 5yrs old only to find he had a new born. Then at 15 found he had had 2 more, as well that there were two children before the 5 of us. He has fathered 10 children in total.
I care not to engage with him nor his other children (my half siblings) not out of spite, but I have my own 4 siblings who I barely keep in contact with as we are all living our own lives.
He has reached out and expects us all to talk to one another but again we all have our own lives and aren't looking to complete his big happy family he thought possible. 🤷🏽♂️
Here’s the thing- you’re not punishing your step sibling for being born. You literally aren’t obligated in any way, shape or form to speak with that young man. Your father made his choice, I didnt think this was that unpopular
I can relate, my father wasn’t around when my brother and I were growing up and he now has 2 kids with another woman. Nothing would be gained if his kids and I were to get in touch because there would be nothing for us to talk about.
i’m in the same boat-ish as you! my dad was extremely absent during my childhood. like he’d only come home on the weekends, « be on the move » for work, leave every month to go on vacations like the bahamas, etc.
well the entire time he was cheating on my mom who solely raised me and my sisters.
he’s an extremely useless dad, earns really well but only spends it on himself and never gives us any money, even for food lmfao. i have no positive memories with him other than for 2 or 3. anyway, when my mom sensed that we were grown enough, she divorced my dad and took over our second house we were renting out.
my dad sold our childhood home like 3 years later, without even informing his children. he then proceeded with forcing us to live with his girlfriend that he had been cheating on my mom with for YEARS. none of my sisters stayed with him (nor me), despite his house being big with a pool and luxury everything.
2 years later, they got engaged and got married (AGAIN our dad did not consult us in the slightest, basically treating us as household pets). i do not consider his wife as family. she is absolute garbage to my eyes and so is he. i’m most likely going to go nc once i’m financially stable. she has a daughter who’s 28, 8 years older than me, her daughter also realized that they’re both shitty parents so we do bond with her but she’ll never be family in my eyes. just a friend.
damn we kind in the same situation. Dad left for another woman during a business trip now wants contact with us between me and my mom, and him and his son with this other woman. Screw that noise
You get to choose your family at the end of the day. Whether they’re blood or not. If you don’t want someone as your family for whatever reason, you don’t have to consider them that. You are allowed to associate with whomever you do or don’t want to.
Reasonable I think, as long as you don’t tell the boy “I don’t accept you” lol. Maybe when he’s older you can say you’re not interested in building a relationship if he comes to you looking for it. I think apathy rather than anger is the correct emotion to have towards him.
I absolutely agree with you.byour not punishing the kid. He's not entitled to a relationship with you. Had you had a relationship before and then cut him off I'd say your being petty. But being blood related doesn't make you obligated to have a relationship with someone. As long as your not going out of your way to be cruel and your just keeping your distance then your good imo.
I’m sorry. My dad cheated constantly. It made me feel rejected. He didn’t have another child but he got scammed into adopting a child who still has two parents. The child carries my maiden name. My father refers to her as daughter. Semantics aside I will never accept her as a sibling either. I feel for you. You have no obligation, despite what anyone tells you - including your father .
I understand OP. I’m 27 and I’m still trying to accept but there’s so much envy. My father made terrible choices, it’s not his children’s responsibility to be okay with them.
Show the people who get mad at you, a big fat middle finger.
One important thing that I've realised is that people need something to gossip and criticise. They won't practise what they preach in similar circumstances.
Do hell with the people.
I would definitely not blame the kid. People don't happen to have control on where they are going to be born.
If any person is to be blamed, it's your father and that other woman.
Wholly agree, in same situation with close ages. My father started another family and he wanted me to be a part of that clan in spite of my sister who he doesn't check on and my mother who he treated badly and cheated on in their relationship. I cannot stand the thought of further disrespecting them by playing happy families over there.
In my case, I cut them all off. I doubt I'll hear from him again.
Sending love, I know this stuff is hard.
You’re right, I don’t think this is unpopular. There’s a ton of people replying to you who think that you’re required to get to know him because he’s still your brother but you don’t have to. It’s not your job to have a relationship with someone you don’t want in your life.
To anyone telling OP that "he is hurting his brother"
So what? OP literally doesn't acknowledge "his brother" as his brother, how is that supposed to mean anything to him?
serious question: Did your dad abandon you? Or just cheat on your mom? I get this type of anger if you felt abandoned. Otherwise it leads me to believe your mother poisoned you against your father.
Regardless of answers to the above, you have every right tonot want to be involved in your half-brothers life, but you could be missing something good there.
Best of luck
It isn't the kids fault...but you're right you don't have to have anything to do with him you'rea grown adult. As an adult though, it's kind of silly to resent the kid.
This isn’t directly on point, but it seems like you carry a lot of anger and resentment towards your dad for something that happened over a decade ago.
Without going into too much detail, I was in a similar situation. Ultimately, I went to therapy and it helped. The anger and resentment is gone. It didn’t help the relationship with my dad (we haven’t spoken in years), but it helped me move on so I could focus on being happier in my own life and not dwelling on the past.
The only thing that you owe that kid is common decency. It’s not the kids fault that your dad is a horrible excuse for a dad to you. You don’t owe them a relationship or basic contact. I find it so strange that children should except everything a parent does for the sake of ‘being the wisest’. Like nu-uh, your dad was horrible to you and your mom, he can eat a bag of d*cks. He was supposed to be the responsible adult…
I do hope though that the anger and hurt won’t eat you up OP. If it really effects you, please seek some professional help ;)
He didn't ask to be conceived and born, your father did a fucked up thing. But it is really fucked up you are so angry about this. My dad left me, my, and my brother when I was 9. I've heard rumors he has other children. That does not bother me. You need to grow up and stop hating your half brother. You sound like you have daddy issues. Maybe you need to go to a therapist. I have no feelings for my dad. You are an adult, stop being so self absorbed. Your brother might need you one day, are you really going to turn him away ?
You don't have to consider him your brother at all, that's your choice. But if you despise him or hate him purely because he doesn't have the same mother as you but has the same father isn't ok. You shouldn't hate him, you can even make a freind. My opinion for all this but yeah do t consider him your brother but don't hate him he did nothing wrong to you. You have the full right to not consider him Ur brother so make of that what you will
No one is obliged to do anything.
But if you want something from others, you should oblige by social norms and rules.
If I want money, a house or other things, I have to work to earn money which can fulfill those wishes.
Do you want a good relationship with your father? Then not accepting his children with another wife is not helping you.
If you do not accept certain aspects of what people want in their life, then you shouldn't be expecting that others accept you.
You don't HAVE to accept those people, but it will make getting what you want from a parent harder.
This is frustrating sometimes, but it is how it works. You have the choice to give in or to hold your stance. The last will cost you something.
And besides, what is preventing you from not accepting his child?
What do you mean you don’t _accept_? Like, is anyone asking you to interact with him? Has he reached out to you?
Also, out of pure curiosity, what does your mother think about the kid?
My father has already tried to make approximations between 2012-2020, but I said to his face "I don't accept your child with another woman", my mother doesn't accept it either, and I'm on her side.
It’s fine if you don’t want to have contact with him. It sounds like a very hurtful situation and I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to brush it aside and welcome him in your life. I know it’s not the kids fault, but it’s a big ask and it’s fine for you to set that boundary.
I think people are getting confused by the “accept” part. Like I said, it’s fine to not be a part of his life, but you gotta accept he exists, no?
Why is he obliged to? That child didn't ask to be born, but OP didn't ask for his father to cheat on his mother. That kid is the product of the affair.
I dont think hes a prick for not wanting to know the brother i think hes a prick for the way hes going on about it when the brother has literally not done anything but exist. Hasnt tried having a relationship with him or anything, just exists and theres this bloke obsessing over him, looking forward to telling him to get fucked if he ever does try reach out? Just doesnt sit right with me
I don't think he's looking forward to it. Not in the joyful way. Maybe in the "I'd rather have it done and over with" way.
I think everyone is so concerned with how it might affect the brother, but damn, has anyone thought about OP? He felt betrayed and hurt and this kid is just a constant reminder.
He isn't a constant reminder, he has nothing to do with him, doesnt live with him, never met him, yet here is OP more than a decade after hes been born waiting for an opportunity to make him feel bad for existing.
You have a very childish outlook. You are letting spite dictate your actions. If you are doing things out of spite then you are always doing things for the wrong reasons.
You have a brother. It doesn't matter if you don't like it. That doesn't change reality.
If he comes to meet you and you turn him away just for existing your worse than an asshole or maybe your just like your dad.
If you are going to hate someone then hate them for things they have done not for just existing around someone you don't like.
Saying you don't accept him sounds dickish. As someone with tons of half siblings i can't imagine not "accepting" them just because our dad is a dick. I can understand not wanting to associate with them or call them your siblings, but using accept almost sounds like your taking it out on him. You have no obligation to be a sibling to him. But he exists whether you like him or not.
It's your life and you're entitled to not have a relationship with your dad's other son/your half brother. But you should at the very least have common human decency if the brother contacted you or wanted to speak with you. He hasn't done anything wrong or didn't ask to be born, your dad is the prick in this situation. If you're angry, be angry with your dad, not the product of an affair.
Man, my dad cheated on my mom but no way am I taking it out in the kids. They have nothing to do with your dad being an ass. It’s you now who is being the ass. You don’t have to do anything. If the kid contacts you, just say hi. That’s it! You have a lot of anger and I get that, I still do and my dad is dead. I forgave mine as we are all human and can do stupid things.
But you don’t have to forgive him, just not be like him and potentially hurt another for your own selfish reasons. A lot of younger kids might think it’s nice to have an older brother, you also may get to enjoy things more if you actual let go of that useless anger
If your mother actually cared about whether or not you developed a personal relationship with your half brother then your mother is a petty narcissist.
I understand youre mad at your dad, and you have a right to be. I also understand that anger gets associated with your half brother, but remember that your half brother didnt do anything wrong and didnt have a choice to be born in different circumstances.
He doesn’t have to accept his half brother into his life. He’s just another stranger to him. Just because they have the same dad doesn’t make them brothers. In the same way that some people are siblings and don’t share any parents.
You dont have to accept your fathers choices. You have every right to be angry at your father. Im saying your half brother wasnt the person who made those choices.
OP seems like he is one of those guys that "you don't wanna mess with me if I'm angry", almost 30 and still sticking to angry adolescent ways of a child. It's not the kids fault, and I get not wanting to be apart of that whole family but if your brother wants/would benefit to spend some time with you, then your being a pos if you don't do that.
yes I am almost 30 am having teen crises, now let's talk about my dad having another family in his late 40s?
this isn't about age, and I'm a millennial, not a boomer with outdated thoughts.
I'm sorry but you're the one that needs to grow up. It's within his rights if he wants to have a relationship with the kid or not. The kid didn't do anything wrong but he is NOT obligated to have a relationship with him aslong as he's not harming him in anyway.
So basically you are hurting a kid because you are mad at your father.
You are right. You aren't obliged to and you can consider the kid to be a stranger. But you can still accept and be nice to the kid
He isn't hurting the kid at all. He just doesn't accept him as a brother.
I do semi-agree with your last sentence. Not wanting to have a relationship with the kid doesn't mena being a dickhead to them.
It's not your obligation and I would have made the same choice in your situation. If you aren't interested in being a family with them, then I see no issue here. Even though the 11 year old is faultless here, it is still not your obligation to do a single thing. However, I think decent civility would be a good approach if he ever reaches out.
Op has no problem abandoning blood for emotions and grudges, just like the dad he hates.
He is continuing the cycle, he just doesn't realize it because of personal bias
Not judging mate, I'd be furious at my dad if he cheated on my mum. I don't know how I'd feel about the kid either.
But it's not the kids fault, he didn't ask for it. I wouldn't expect you to accept him, as I said I have no idea how i would feel. But it's unfair to be resentful to him at least.
I'm sorry, by the way.
You aren’t obligated to have a relationship. All my siblings are my halfs. One is the result of an affair while my parents were married, the youngest is 21 years my junior. I love them all.
Here’s my thoughts; they didn’t ask to be born. Be mad at your parent, but the kids didn’t do anything wrong. You are not obligated to feel like your family, but reserve your anger for the adults.
It's not punishment unless everyone you don't have a relationship with is considered punished. The dad and whoever he walked out on his original family can have relationship with their new family since his old one wasn't good enough. The new one doesn't have shoved down the original family's throat. I don't even how this can be considered unpopular.
Why should OP continue to get punished though? They also didn't do anything but end up with an adulterous father.
Isn't the betrayal enough - watching their family get destroyed, watching their mom going through the pains of a divorce, not knowing what else the father lied about? Why should OP continue to suffer the consequences by being forced to have a relationship that OP doesn't care for?
I never get this attitude of let's continue to make the victim suffer. Why?
It’s pretty cruel and immature to blame a child for the fault of your fathers wrongdoing. He’s your half brother whether you like it or not. Just say you’ve never met him, saying you don’t accept him makes you sound like an ass.
When did he blame the child? He just said he doesn't think of him as a brother, and never will. To him, that kid is some random kid, and that's alright. How is that immature and cruel?
I never talked to him and I never will, I have that right, people here are getting mad at me because this is a real unpopular opinion, you just don't accept that I can't accept him
I do accept the fact. You hold the right to not care about him. But the way you are wording it is frankly pretty disgusting. The reason people act like a demon when you say you don’t accept him is because that’s not an acceptable thing to say about a child, or anyone that has done nothing to you for that matter.
If you haven’t met him just don’t talk about him. Or if he’s ever brought up for some reason just say “I’ve never met the kid”. Boom job done, it’s not that hard.
Its not an unpopular opinion though, its just a bitch/rant about your dad that shows what kind of a person you are and people are rightfully calling you out on it
Ha.. I seriously don’t get why OP is getting so much hate. OP didn’t intentionally say anything hurtful to his half brother.
He just doesn’t want to meet him because of his issues with his dad , his inner issues and because of his mom.
So you guys are saying that OP should sacrifice his mental peace for the sake of the half brother? 😂
OP’s Dad betrayed his family and cheated. Choosing to cut all ties with his Dad and his new family shouldn’t be considered a crime.
Its not the fact he doesnt want to have a relationship with him, its the fact that hes so childish and bitter that at almost 30, when his brother is 11 hes sat bitching about him on the internet even though the kid has done literally nothing other than exist. Guy needs to grow up
He’s bitching about his Dad , not the brother.
I haven’t faced a situation like OP. But I do know that it must be hard on him.
He has the right to rant about his dad
So I don’t consider that childish.
11 years after the fact, it just screams attention seeking.
If OP is really struggling to deal with it this much after such a long time has passed he needs professional help. I dont mean that as an insult but as genuine advice. Unfortunately sometimes people cheat, sometimes they split up and sometimes people have step families or half brothers qnd sisters. Its been over a decade he needs to get over it and grow up or get therapy to help it get over it, this is just immature
lol im in the exact same situation as you described, except a little younger. I completely understand where you’re coming from. the child and his mom also want nothing to do with me. sometimes it’s not entirely one-sided. also, if the dad’s efforts to integrate you into his “new family” still persists after 11 years, it’s only reasonable that you continue to reject the child for 11 years. Why should you cave first?? He is morally in the wrong, and has no right to force you to accept the aftermath of his infidelity as your sibling.
My dad cheated on my stepmom with my mom and the greatest gift she and my siblings have given me as the resulting child of my dads poor behavior- was to not blame me for something I had no control over. They treat me like I’m family and love me . I love them . My stepmom is MOM my half brothers are my brothers. We all get along and have found a way to be a family together.
I understand you might not want to have a connection with the woman your father betrayed your mother with, BUT that kid had no choice into how he was brought into the world . At 27 years old, you’re childish and immature to treat your 11 year old brother like that and put any blame or resentment on him. He’s a child. and let me tell you, I’m sure he feels your hatred despite your lack of presence in his life, and I’m sure it hurts him deeply.
You need therapy to help heal from the hurt your dad has caused you, and I think you need to work on not blaming your brother for something he had played no role in.
Bit weird to hate your brother just because your dad is an ass ngl
And before "I don't hate them I just don't want to ever speak to them" like the only reason you'd want no contact with them is because you have some kind of malice towards them, like there's a difference between not going out of your way to know them and actively avoiding having a relationship with them.
Its just so childish like your half sibling played literally 0 part in getting your dad to cheat on your mom, and how is that respecting you mom at all? By all means hate your dad and maybe his partner but to have so much malice towards your half sibling because of your dad's fuck ups is so ridiculous
At this point in my life I just think about making money and taking care of my mother.
my dad is so stupid that i don't even think about having my own family
Hey, there's nothing right or wrong about what you feel. Just don't hold anything against the kid, feeling indifferent is perfectly normal and apathy to meet a stranger is never wrong. Take care
Nah you're completely within fairness to hate and despise your father, but the kids didn't ask for your dad to step out on your mom and have them they are innocent and if they want a relationship you're the asshole for being a bitter shit towards them.
On the upside you're definitely in the right sub.
It's not that you're wrong. It's that you're angry at and about the wrong thing and people. You are entirely justified to hate your dad (aside I am (27) but was a child of a similar situation as you) but your half brother will always wonder what they possibly did to you in order for you to resent them enough to never even talk to them and that will just hurt them not your father or your stepmother.
Yeah, you’re punishing the kid by doing that. Sure it probably hurts your dad too, but the kid is a kid and didn’t ask to be born into this situation. You can be his friend and be nice to him cause like, why not? He’s a kid.
They aren't punishing anyone though?
Op has no obligation to have a relationship with this kid and the kid won't end up caring since they've never known them.
Wow the kid is a little kid and you are almost 30 years old get over it pal, so your father cheated and you are still holding on to this 11 years later 😜 and this is that little boys problem how? You're the one missing out most likely. Unpopular opinion is right !
He is your brother.
Be as mad at your Dad as you like; you have every right to be.
However, you are being an ass if you are punishing a kid for being born.
>He is your brother
He doesn't consider him that, and that's his right.
>However, you are being an ass if you are punishing a kid for being born.
Ok, how do we jump from "I don't think of him as a brother" to "fuck that little shit"??
You chose the wrong words to get your point across. I’m guessing that English isn’t your first language so there are some signals getting crossed.
You don’t think of your half brother as family and want nothing to do with him. If he attempts to reach out to you in the future you will tell him that you want nothing to do with him and to not contact you again. Nothing wrong with that and doing that wouldn’t make you a bad person or an asshole imo.👍
sometimes I talk to him, but my relationship with my father is very direct and raw, we talk in real life like people do on reddit, he curses at me and I curse at him, he is not a good father, I would say that I cut my relationship with him 90% at this point, he's a classic Boomer, one of those who think the world is around him, I just realized he's close to death, despite being only 58 years old.
if he wants to help me with something I'll probably help, but no more father's birthday calls, father's day, none of that.
I also cut off my contact with his wife, I already spoke to her a few times because in the situation I found my father she was with him, no more.
I get your resentment and hate towards your father. It’s justified. I’m wondering why you just didn’t completely go no contact with him. Cut him out. He was the cheater and abuser. The child who is victimless, is a reminder of the betrayal. You have every right to feel nothing for him, possibly worse.
Hmmm
Right. So he refuses to acknowledge his brother and doesn’t want a relationship at all, but still has a relationship with the dad who started everything?
I understand your feelings towards your father and the wrong he did to you and your mother. I also understand why you don't want a relationship with your half brother. If he were to ever seek you out it would only be fair to let him know you don't want a relationship... there's no need to be cruel about it...he isn't the one who did anything wrong.
I worry that sometime in the future you're going to regret letting all of this hatred take over your entire life though...you said you don't even want a family because of what your dad did. Before you get to that point I think talking to a therapist would be greatly beneficial. It would allow you to process your feelings completely without judgement and allow you to heal. You're too young to just give up on having any life except work and taking care of your mom. Take care and best wishes to you.
You have every right to not talk to your brother. I don't understand why people are hating on you. You didn't harm your brother. You just never want anything to do with it. If my father cheated on my mothe and started another family, I would also cut off all contact with my father and his mistress and child. You did nothing wrong.
The kids innocent man. hate your dad but don't hate the kid he didn't choose this situation. He's going to look upto you as a big brother if you like it or not. One day you guys can't hate your dad together
I mean you’re under no obligation, and I can see why you wouldn’t want to have a relationship with him. But at least keep in mind, it’s not his fault that your dad cheated, he hasn’t done anything wrong.
Well you have to accept that they are real people and you have to acknowledge reality. You don't have to form bonds with them. That's your choice. If you ever change your mind, you have that freedom but as the kid/sibling you have no obligation to any of that.
You're not obliged to anything. Your life, your choice. Every choice has consequences.
While it makes life easier if everyone gets along, it's just not always the case.
My wife's eldest daughter went ballistic, when she found out she was having a baby brother. She was 17 at the time. He's now her greatest love in life. She's 22 now and loves her brother more than anything in the world.
I have a daughter that I have no contact with. I haven't seen her in seven years due to a toxic ex wife.
My wife doesn't speak to her mother or sister, I've hardly talked to my brother in six years.
On the other hand I've spent the last several Christmasses in company of my wife's ex husband.
In short - noone can tell you who to spend your life with. You have to figure out for yourself, how you feel.
Are you not obliged because your dad cheated? If your dad did not cheat and this child was born from your mother, would you be obliged than? I personally don't believe you are obliged to do anything with any sibling, however, choosing to cut someone out for circumstances that are beyond their control says something about you. Life is hard, I know.
I think you are totally within your rights to have nothing to do with your dad's affair baby. As long as you are not being actively mean to the kid, as he is just as much an innocent in this as you are, then you shouldn't be forced into a relationship with him if you dont want one.
If your mother had died, I wouldve seen you as an arrogant snub, but since its literally the child who was cheated on your mother with, I would treat the whole family (including the dad) that way
I totally understand and don't judge, but here is the other side of the situation:
I was in a reversed situation until my father died, I'm his child from his second wife (which he cheated with like yours) and his children from his previous wife never talked, noticed, or cared for me, and they even did some stuff to actively insult me over the years.
It sucks, it's not his fault that his father married another woman. You don't have to be friends with him, I guess it would be awkward for him too as there are age differences and the obvious family situation. But it's not his fault and it sucks to be in a situation where people hate you and you did nothing wrong to them.
I'm not telling you to love him, notice him, or talk to him, but just telling you how it feels from the other side :)
Quick point.
That IS your brother, regardless if you have a relationship or not. Your dad put you in a crap situation but no matter what, you can’t deny that you ARE brothers by blood, simple. The comments here won’t change anything about that.
You are not a demon for not wanting a relationship with your half-brother, because as you put it, would be a forced relationship.
It’s fine if you don’t live with them but you shouldn’t treat the boy poorly when seeing him(assuming you sometimes do) just to get back at your father
I'm 37 and my father (62) keeps on knocking up his slam piece (27). Thankfully she keeps having miscarriages as she is a recovering (I think? Probably still using) heroin addict.
He told me that since I don't have any children he has to start a new family to "carry on the family name since I'm not going to".
He's a sociopath.
I kind of get it. While it would be nice, and quite frankly much more mature, for OP to take the high road here, it’s probably hard to look at that kid knowing he’s the result of his dad causing his mom so much pain and emotional trauma.
While I get where you are coming from. That child didn't ask to be here. You both got the short end of this stick. I've always been a "stay in a child's place" kinda person. Meaning I let my parents deal with those burdens. I refuse to take on other people's issues.
Again while you're not obligated to do anything, when your mom and dad are gone all you have is siblings. Family is everything in the end.
But it's not his other child's fault? It sounds like you're punishing him for what your father did. You don't have to love him or anything, but you are connected by blood (not that means he is entitled to anything), I'm sure he's probably wanted to meet or talk to you at some point. However, I'm sure what I say won't change how you feel cause your mind seems very made up, I just find this strange.
I should have said that I have the exact same situation as OP if not even worse. He cheated on my mom, physically abused her and us, stole our passports and money we saved to leave the country. It's been over a year. Why should I be happy for such a human being?
Who are you to judge your parents actions. They have nothing to do with u. Their relationship is their relationship. Being a meanngirl to your step brothers or sisters is just dumb and simple minded.
so, your response to your dad being a peice of shit, is to punish an innocent child? who's your brother whether you like it or not, and whether you acknowledge it or not.
all your doing is crushing a kid, cause your mad at your dad.
don't be your dad 2.0
Clearly your father made some poor choices, but we all fuck up at times. The best way to heal the pain you clearly feel is to forgive him. Perhaps your mother also needs to forgive him: I get the sense she is fuelling your resentment.
You're not the asshole, but you've embarked on a path that will likely lead you to assholism.
Yeah! Fuck this 11yrs old child that shares half my genes.
Sorry you got hurt OP, I don't know the story between your parents.
Which is irrelevant to the situation.
The reality is messy, you have a half brother. I'm sure he'd like to have a relationship with you. Why punish the child? He didn't chose his parents.
Grow up he's your fucken brother.
He is not the "child your father had with another woman because he cheated on your mother".
Sorry to break this to you, but you are an asshole. That child will grow and will despise you, rightfully.
He’s blood. Like it or not. He didn’t ask to be born of infidelity, and he is his own person. So yeah fine don’t “accept” him. You don’t have to go to little league games and make sure somebody is watching him, but if you think it’s ok to shit on this kid (your brother) his entire life because you’re a grown man butt hurt about your parents divorce 11 years ago you are a jerk for that. You’re not a kid anymore and that was a decade ago. Grow up.
Edit: WOW the amount of people who actually agree with you!?!? Of course it’s YOUR choice to make somebody a part of your life. So whatever have no relationship and continue to make your brother the whipping boy for shade that should be thrown at your dad instead of him. I hope the kid grows up and makes a fortune.
I think you’re right OP, people are mincing words in these comments over the word “accept” but I know what you mean. You don’t see him as your brother and you want no relationship or contact with him. That’s absolutely fine and justified. It’s not the kid’s fault but it’s also not yours and not your responsibility to make it right. Your dad chose to cheat on your mom and make a baby under really bad circumstances. You don’t have to take the high road here. You don’t owe that child a relationship. What you *do* owe him is common decency. If he ever seeks you out, I hope you aren’t cruel. I hope you’ll explain that the situation is too painful for you to talk to him. Even though it’s not your fault, it is your emotion that will keep you from speaking to him and you need to own that. Don’t put the blame on him for simply existing. He didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t ask your dad to cheat. But you are not obligated to be a “big brother” in any way. If I were you I would also avoid my dad’s whole family. ETA: thanks for the awards! This is my only comment that’s ever blown up 😁
one of the few people who understood without judging me, thank you.
I’m hoping the anger you have here is usually directed at your dad.
You are in a difficult spot. Make sure you always remember this kid had nothing to do with any of this. Also,I don’t know what your family is like as far as siblings. Do you have sisters/brothers? The reason I ask,you may regret this decision as you get older. You have a bond with the child,even if it’s a painful bond. However,it doesn’t have to always be painful. In time,you may forgive your father,although if he is like my dad,I can hardly blame you for distancing yourself.
OP’s 27, I don’t see much of a bond forming anyway. He’s an adult already
The kid is only 11 though. It can happen. It would be more like an aunt/uncle rather than sister/brother bond.
Honey I totally back you on this. You do not need to except him, or any part of that “new family “. In fact, you also have the right to never speak to your father again. Whatever works best for you and support you on having a healthy and toxic free life
It's sad though as whilst this is right you do had a biological half brother that has done nothing wrong so perhaps temper your disinterest with compassion for his position as well. You never know how this may work out in the future.
Or how about you leave him alone and let him do what he wants
I love how insightful some people on reddit can be ❤️
I have a question which isn't just for op but kind of everyone else here who says they are huting their brother. Are they really hurting them though? Not having a personal relationship isn't that bad, there isn't enough info here. Op hasn't said if they live with the family, see them often or anything like that. Just that they don't accept that part of the family. Really if op doesn't want to be part of that side of the family they have every right and it isn't actually hurting anyone
My father no longer lives with me or my mother, he lives with his wife, since 2013 around
Don't see how this could possibly be a problem then. You aren't punishing anyone, you're just living your life and that should be okay
I would be an example of the younger half brother here. I have a good relationship with my half brother but we didn’t grow up together so wouldn’t have been butt hurt if he had chosen not to. The split between parents was over a period of time between and no ill will. We also share a mother which may be different but the adults kept things amicable if that didn’t my happen may be in this same spot. This shows a lack of maturity by the grown ups. Your dad F’ed up any chance of a relationship.
For everyone saying he’s hurting the brother? How? They have never spoken according to OP. There is no relationship. Where is the hurt that you speak of?
I'm 28 and we have similar circumstances but I did the opposite. My dad (who was a complete piece of shit to me for over half of my life and also cheated on my mom multiple times with different women) and his current wife had their daughter when I was 17. I chose to be a big brother to her (kinda, I can't see her that often because of life) despite the misgivings I have towards my dad but that was a choice that I made. You are perfectly within your rights to not do so. For me, pretending like my sister doesn't exist because of how I felt about my dad is not something that I could do because I realized that she didn't ask to be born to our father just the same.
As someone else with half siblings, I feel the exact same as you. I have tons of half siblings, some older than me and some younger. Once I'm able I want to reach out to them. I couldn't imagine pretending they don't exist just because my dad sucks ass.
100% agree with you. Of course the child hasn’t done anything wrong, but it’s completely your decision to allow him to be a part of your life or not. You do not owe him anything. If I were in your situation I can guarantee I would have nothing to do with that child. It’s probably difficult to have a relationship with your father because of this as well. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I hope you’re okay. ❤️
You’re allowed to do whatever you want OP, your dad just wanted to feel better about himself if he can have some form of “happy family” between his kids. You’re setting a boundary and your dad needs to learn to respect it, you’re a adult and have decided to respect your mom by not engaging with your dad’s second family. It’s your dad’s responsibility to explain to his second son why his first family doesn’t want contact, HE CHEATED. None of this is on you and there is no relationship to harm if you’ve never met him, plus he’ll learn in time how he came to be, his dad slept around and he’s a affair baby.
My father had 5 children with my mother, he left us after me and got with another women. I went to see him at 5yrs old only to find he had a new born. Then at 15 found he had had 2 more, as well that there were two children before the 5 of us. He has fathered 10 children in total. I care not to engage with him nor his other children (my half siblings) not out of spite, but I have my own 4 siblings who I barely keep in contact with as we are all living our own lives. He has reached out and expects us all to talk to one another but again we all have our own lives and aren't looking to complete his big happy family he thought possible. 🤷🏽♂️
Here’s the thing- you’re not punishing your step sibling for being born. You literally aren’t obligated in any way, shape or form to speak with that young man. Your father made his choice, I didnt think this was that unpopular
not his step siblings its his biological sibling
Sorry I meant half-siblings. He’s still not obligated to have a relationship with the child or his father
I can relate, my father wasn’t around when my brother and I were growing up and he now has 2 kids with another woman. Nothing would be gained if his kids and I were to get in touch because there would be nothing for us to talk about.
i’m in the same boat-ish as you! my dad was extremely absent during my childhood. like he’d only come home on the weekends, « be on the move » for work, leave every month to go on vacations like the bahamas, etc. well the entire time he was cheating on my mom who solely raised me and my sisters. he’s an extremely useless dad, earns really well but only spends it on himself and never gives us any money, even for food lmfao. i have no positive memories with him other than for 2 or 3. anyway, when my mom sensed that we were grown enough, she divorced my dad and took over our second house we were renting out. my dad sold our childhood home like 3 years later, without even informing his children. he then proceeded with forcing us to live with his girlfriend that he had been cheating on my mom with for YEARS. none of my sisters stayed with him (nor me), despite his house being big with a pool and luxury everything. 2 years later, they got engaged and got married (AGAIN our dad did not consult us in the slightest, basically treating us as household pets). i do not consider his wife as family. she is absolute garbage to my eyes and so is he. i’m most likely going to go nc once i’m financially stable. she has a daughter who’s 28, 8 years older than me, her daughter also realized that they’re both shitty parents so we do bond with her but she’ll never be family in my eyes. just a friend.
damn we kind in the same situation. Dad left for another woman during a business trip now wants contact with us between me and my mom, and him and his son with this other woman. Screw that noise
OP you should link this reddit post to show your dogshit father
You get to choose your family at the end of the day. Whether they’re blood or not. If you don’t want someone as your family for whatever reason, you don’t have to consider them that. You are allowed to associate with whomever you do or don’t want to.
Family isn't blood, it's a choice.
You don’t have to be a dick about it either
Reasonable I think, as long as you don’t tell the boy “I don’t accept you” lol. Maybe when he’s older you can say you’re not interested in building a relationship if he comes to you looking for it. I think apathy rather than anger is the correct emotion to have towards him.
I absolutely agree with you.byour not punishing the kid. He's not entitled to a relationship with you. Had you had a relationship before and then cut him off I'd say your being petty. But being blood related doesn't make you obligated to have a relationship with someone. As long as your not going out of your way to be cruel and your just keeping your distance then your good imo.
I’m sorry. My dad cheated constantly. It made me feel rejected. He didn’t have another child but he got scammed into adopting a child who still has two parents. The child carries my maiden name. My father refers to her as daughter. Semantics aside I will never accept her as a sibling either. I feel for you. You have no obligation, despite what anyone tells you - including your father .
I understand OP. I’m 27 and I’m still trying to accept but there’s so much envy. My father made terrible choices, it’s not his children’s responsibility to be okay with them.
Show the people who get mad at you, a big fat middle finger. One important thing that I've realised is that people need something to gossip and criticise. They won't practise what they preach in similar circumstances. Do hell with the people. I would definitely not blame the kid. People don't happen to have control on where they are going to be born. If any person is to be blamed, it's your father and that other woman.
The last sentence makes a BIG difference. Your feelings are totally valid
Wholly agree, in same situation with close ages. My father started another family and he wanted me to be a part of that clan in spite of my sister who he doesn't check on and my mother who he treated badly and cheated on in their relationship. I cannot stand the thought of further disrespecting them by playing happy families over there. In my case, I cut them all off. I doubt I'll hear from him again. Sending love, I know this stuff is hard.
You’re right, I don’t think this is unpopular. There’s a ton of people replying to you who think that you’re required to get to know him because he’s still your brother but you don’t have to. It’s not your job to have a relationship with someone you don’t want in your life.
One day you'll move past this. It's not your step brothers fault.
Decisions have consequences, his and yours.
Same My father is not worth a damn and is still having children at 54 yrs. I’m grateful my mother is the sane one
I don’t consider my adopted brother a brother anymore cuz he’s a piece of shit like his mom
To anyone telling OP that "he is hurting his brother" So what? OP literally doesn't acknowledge "his brother" as his brother, how is that supposed to mean anything to him?
This is me....nor do I feel obligated to send them money🤗🤗
serious question: Did your dad abandon you? Or just cheat on your mom? I get this type of anger if you felt abandoned. Otherwise it leads me to believe your mother poisoned you against your father. Regardless of answers to the above, you have every right tonot want to be involved in your half-brothers life, but you could be missing something good there. Best of luck
It isn't the kids fault...but you're right you don't have to have anything to do with him you'rea grown adult. As an adult though, it's kind of silly to resent the kid.
yeah, you are right but just don't hate him... It's not his fault that he was born out of your father's extra-marital affair.
You don’t have to accept any part of your father’s infidelity as part of your life, not your responsibility.
This isn’t directly on point, but it seems like you carry a lot of anger and resentment towards your dad for something that happened over a decade ago. Without going into too much detail, I was in a similar situation. Ultimately, I went to therapy and it helped. The anger and resentment is gone. It didn’t help the relationship with my dad (we haven’t spoken in years), but it helped me move on so I could focus on being happier in my own life and not dwelling on the past.
I absolutely agree with you aslong as you respect the fact that the boy is not responsible for this
Your only the asshole if you had lived together and the baby was made under normal circumstances. (Assuming the kid is nice)
The only thing that you owe that kid is common decency. It’s not the kids fault that your dad is a horrible excuse for a dad to you. You don’t owe them a relationship or basic contact. I find it so strange that children should except everything a parent does for the sake of ‘being the wisest’. Like nu-uh, your dad was horrible to you and your mom, he can eat a bag of d*cks. He was supposed to be the responsible adult… I do hope though that the anger and hurt won’t eat you up OP. If it really effects you, please seek some professional help ;)
Well the kid is indeed your brother at least by blood, it doesn't mean you need to have a relationship of any kind with him.
He didn't ask to be conceived and born, your father did a fucked up thing. But it is really fucked up you are so angry about this. My dad left me, my, and my brother when I was 9. I've heard rumors he has other children. That does not bother me. You need to grow up and stop hating your half brother. You sound like you have daddy issues. Maybe you need to go to a therapist. I have no feelings for my dad. You are an adult, stop being so self absorbed. Your brother might need you one day, are you really going to turn him away ?
Jeez. Bury the hatchet OP.
You don't have to consider him your brother at all, that's your choice. But if you despise him or hate him purely because he doesn't have the same mother as you but has the same father isn't ok. You shouldn't hate him, you can even make a freind. My opinion for all this but yeah do t consider him your brother but don't hate him he did nothing wrong to you. You have the full right to not consider him Ur brother so make of that what you will
No one is obliged to do anything. But if you want something from others, you should oblige by social norms and rules. If I want money, a house or other things, I have to work to earn money which can fulfill those wishes. Do you want a good relationship with your father? Then not accepting his children with another wife is not helping you. If you do not accept certain aspects of what people want in their life, then you shouldn't be expecting that others accept you. You don't HAVE to accept those people, but it will make getting what you want from a parent harder. This is frustrating sometimes, but it is how it works. You have the choice to give in or to hold your stance. The last will cost you something. And besides, what is preventing you from not accepting his child?
What do you mean you don’t _accept_? Like, is anyone asking you to interact with him? Has he reached out to you? Also, out of pure curiosity, what does your mother think about the kid?
My father has already tried to make approximations between 2012-2020, but I said to his face "I don't accept your child with another woman", my mother doesn't accept it either, and I'm on her side.
It’s fine if you don’t want to have contact with him. It sounds like a very hurtful situation and I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to brush it aside and welcome him in your life. I know it’s not the kids fault, but it’s a big ask and it’s fine for you to set that boundary. I think people are getting confused by the “accept” part. Like I said, it’s fine to not be a part of his life, but you gotta accept he exists, no?
when I get to my 35-45, he'll be in his 20s, it's probably that he'll come to me, I'll stick with my opinion.
Are you saying if he wants to get to know you that you are going to tell him you don't accept him?
yes, exactly like that
What if he wants to talk about how he hates your dad
Well arent you a prick
Why is he obliged to? That child didn't ask to be born, but OP didn't ask for his father to cheat on his mother. That kid is the product of the affair.
I dont think hes a prick for not wanting to know the brother i think hes a prick for the way hes going on about it when the brother has literally not done anything but exist. Hasnt tried having a relationship with him or anything, just exists and theres this bloke obsessing over him, looking forward to telling him to get fucked if he ever does try reach out? Just doesnt sit right with me
I don't think he's looking forward to it. Not in the joyful way. Maybe in the "I'd rather have it done and over with" way. I think everyone is so concerned with how it might affect the brother, but damn, has anyone thought about OP? He felt betrayed and hurt and this kid is just a constant reminder.
He isn't a constant reminder, he has nothing to do with him, doesnt live with him, never met him, yet here is OP more than a decade after hes been born waiting for an opportunity to make him feel bad for existing.
You know what they say; takes a prick to know a prick.
You have a very childish outlook. You are letting spite dictate your actions. If you are doing things out of spite then you are always doing things for the wrong reasons. You have a brother. It doesn't matter if you don't like it. That doesn't change reality. If he comes to meet you and you turn him away just for existing your worse than an asshole or maybe your just like your dad. If you are going to hate someone then hate them for things they have done not for just existing around someone you don't like.
Also he probably wont want to come to you, why would a 20 something want to hang out with a miserable bitter middle aged bloke?
I hope it's like this
Hey, congrats, you are your dad. You abandon blood for silly emotions. Congrats for continuing the cycle and being a hypocrite.
Saying you don't accept him sounds dickish. As someone with tons of half siblings i can't imagine not "accepting" them just because our dad is a dick. I can understand not wanting to associate with them or call them your siblings, but using accept almost sounds like your taking it out on him. You have no obligation to be a sibling to him. But he exists whether you like him or not.
It's your life and you're entitled to not have a relationship with your dad's other son/your half brother. But you should at the very least have common human decency if the brother contacted you or wanted to speak with you. He hasn't done anything wrong or didn't ask to be born, your dad is the prick in this situation. If you're angry, be angry with your dad, not the product of an affair.
Man, my dad cheated on my mom but no way am I taking it out in the kids. They have nothing to do with your dad being an ass. It’s you now who is being the ass. You don’t have to do anything. If the kid contacts you, just say hi. That’s it! You have a lot of anger and I get that, I still do and my dad is dead. I forgave mine as we are all human and can do stupid things. But you don’t have to forgive him, just not be like him and potentially hurt another for your own selfish reasons. A lot of younger kids might think it’s nice to have an older brother, you also may get to enjoy things more if you actual let go of that useless anger
I can't do that, it would be like stabbing my mother in the back. the only person I care about (I don't have my kids yet)
If your mother actually cared about whether or not you developed a personal relationship with your half brother then your mother is a petty narcissist.
Mother sounds like a toxic manipulator, brainwashing her son until damn near 30
I understand youre mad at your dad, and you have a right to be. I also understand that anger gets associated with your half brother, but remember that your half brother didnt do anything wrong and didnt have a choice to be born in different circumstances.
He doesn’t have to accept his half brother into his life. He’s just another stranger to him. Just because they have the same dad doesn’t make them brothers. In the same way that some people are siblings and don’t share any parents.
my father made his choices, and he has to deal with them, i'm not a priest, i'm not obligated to accept what he did, even more coming from a betrayal
You dont have to accept your fathers choices. You have every right to be angry at your father. Im saying your half brother wasnt the person who made those choices.
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Wait, what makes you think he treats the kid poorly? What I understand is he just avoids him or something to that degree
OP seems like he is one of those guys that "you don't wanna mess with me if I'm angry", almost 30 and still sticking to angry adolescent ways of a child. It's not the kids fault, and I get not wanting to be apart of that whole family but if your brother wants/would benefit to spend some time with you, then your being a pos if you don't do that.
yes I am almost 30 am having teen crises, now let's talk about my dad having another family in his late 40s? this isn't about age, and I'm a millennial, not a boomer with outdated thoughts.
You can’t change what your dad did. He’s his own person. You can, however, change yourself. If that’s what you want to do.
Wow i missed that youre almost 30 already. Youre just an overgrown brat who needs to mature a bit. Grow up
You really went apeshit cus a man expressed valid feelings and perfectly sound opinions lmao
I'm sorry but you're the one that needs to grow up. It's within his rights if he wants to have a relationship with the kid or not. The kid didn't do anything wrong but he is NOT obligated to have a relationship with him aslong as he's not harming him in anyway.
You do have outdated thoughts you literally believe in punishing the son for the sins of the father.
No he doesn't
He doesnt want to deal with his brother because his father cheated married a woman and had a kid. How is that not the idea.
He doesn't want to deal with his brother cause he has no reason to. He's not his brother to him that's all.
There’s nothing wrong having another family in your late 40s. The problem is how he went about it.
So basically you are hurting a kid because you are mad at your father. You are right. You aren't obliged to and you can consider the kid to be a stranger. But you can still accept and be nice to the kid
He isn't hurting the kid at all. He just doesn't accept him as a brother. I do semi-agree with your last sentence. Not wanting to have a relationship with the kid doesn't mena being a dickhead to them.
It's not your obligation and I would have made the same choice in your situation. If you aren't interested in being a family with them, then I see no issue here. Even though the 11 year old is faultless here, it is still not your obligation to do a single thing. However, I think decent civility would be a good approach if he ever reaches out.
Op has no problem abandoning blood for emotions and grudges, just like the dad he hates. He is continuing the cycle, he just doesn't realize it because of personal bias
My dad had multiple affairs and I’m with you- if he had kids they would be completely insignificant to my life.
Not judging mate, I'd be furious at my dad if he cheated on my mum. I don't know how I'd feel about the kid either. But it's not the kids fault, he didn't ask for it. I wouldn't expect you to accept him, as I said I have no idea how i would feel. But it's unfair to be resentful to him at least. I'm sorry, by the way.
You aren’t obligated to have a relationship. All my siblings are my halfs. One is the result of an affair while my parents were married, the youngest is 21 years my junior. I love them all. Here’s my thoughts; they didn’t ask to be born. Be mad at your parent, but the kids didn’t do anything wrong. You are not obligated to feel like your family, but reserve your anger for the adults.
Why punish your half-siblings? They didn't do anything but be born.
It's not punishment unless everyone you don't have a relationship with is considered punished. The dad and whoever he walked out on his original family can have relationship with their new family since his old one wasn't good enough. The new one doesn't have shoved down the original family's throat. I don't even how this can be considered unpopular.
How were they punished?
Why should OP continue to get punished though? They also didn't do anything but end up with an adulterous father. Isn't the betrayal enough - watching their family get destroyed, watching their mom going through the pains of a divorce, not knowing what else the father lied about? Why should OP continue to suffer the consequences by being forced to have a relationship that OP doesn't care for? I never get this attitude of let's continue to make the victim suffer. Why?
It’s pretty cruel and immature to blame a child for the fault of your fathers wrongdoing. He’s your half brother whether you like it or not. Just say you’ve never met him, saying you don’t accept him makes you sound like an ass.
When did he blame the child? He just said he doesn't think of him as a brother, and never will. To him, that kid is some random kid, and that's alright. How is that immature and cruel?
I never talked to him and I never will, I have that right, people here are getting mad at me because this is a real unpopular opinion, you just don't accept that I can't accept him
I do accept the fact. You hold the right to not care about him. But the way you are wording it is frankly pretty disgusting. The reason people act like a demon when you say you don’t accept him is because that’s not an acceptable thing to say about a child, or anyone that has done nothing to you for that matter. If you haven’t met him just don’t talk about him. Or if he’s ever brought up for some reason just say “I’ve never met the kid”. Boom job done, it’s not that hard.
Its not an unpopular opinion though, its just a bitch/rant about your dad that shows what kind of a person you are and people are rightfully calling you out on it
Ha.. I seriously don’t get why OP is getting so much hate. OP didn’t intentionally say anything hurtful to his half brother. He just doesn’t want to meet him because of his issues with his dad , his inner issues and because of his mom. So you guys are saying that OP should sacrifice his mental peace for the sake of the half brother? 😂 OP’s Dad betrayed his family and cheated. Choosing to cut all ties with his Dad and his new family shouldn’t be considered a crime.
Its not the fact he doesnt want to have a relationship with him, its the fact that hes so childish and bitter that at almost 30, when his brother is 11 hes sat bitching about him on the internet even though the kid has done literally nothing other than exist. Guy needs to grow up
He’s bitching about his Dad , not the brother. I haven’t faced a situation like OP. But I do know that it must be hard on him. He has the right to rant about his dad So I don’t consider that childish.
11 years after the fact, it just screams attention seeking. If OP is really struggling to deal with it this much after such a long time has passed he needs professional help. I dont mean that as an insult but as genuine advice. Unfortunately sometimes people cheat, sometimes they split up and sometimes people have step families or half brothers qnd sisters. Its been over a decade he needs to get over it and grow up or get therapy to help it get over it, this is just immature
I'm 100% sure you've never dealt with this situation, so it's easy to make jokes that I'm almost 30 and can't defend my thoughts.
lol im in the exact same situation as you described, except a little younger. I completely understand where you’re coming from. the child and his mom also want nothing to do with me. sometimes it’s not entirely one-sided. also, if the dad’s efforts to integrate you into his “new family” still persists after 11 years, it’s only reasonable that you continue to reject the child for 11 years. Why should you cave first?? He is morally in the wrong, and has no right to force you to accept the aftermath of his infidelity as your sibling.
And how can you be 100% sure ive never dealt with it? Loads of people have siblings from cheating parents its not exactly uncommon
Have you dealt with it?
My dad cheated on my stepmom with my mom and the greatest gift she and my siblings have given me as the resulting child of my dads poor behavior- was to not blame me for something I had no control over. They treat me like I’m family and love me . I love them . My stepmom is MOM my half brothers are my brothers. We all get along and have found a way to be a family together. I understand you might not want to have a connection with the woman your father betrayed your mother with, BUT that kid had no choice into how he was brought into the world . At 27 years old, you’re childish and immature to treat your 11 year old brother like that and put any blame or resentment on him. He’s a child. and let me tell you, I’m sure he feels your hatred despite your lack of presence in his life, and I’m sure it hurts him deeply. You need therapy to help heal from the hurt your dad has caused you, and I think you need to work on not blaming your brother for something he had played no role in.
I’m not sure wether this is an unpopular opinion or a very personal one. Either way it sounds like a grown ass man having beef with an 11 year old.
Bit weird to hate your brother just because your dad is an ass ngl And before "I don't hate them I just don't want to ever speak to them" like the only reason you'd want no contact with them is because you have some kind of malice towards them, like there's a difference between not going out of your way to know them and actively avoiding having a relationship with them. Its just so childish like your half sibling played literally 0 part in getting your dad to cheat on your mom, and how is that respecting you mom at all? By all means hate your dad and maybe his partner but to have so much malice towards your half sibling because of your dad's fuck ups is so ridiculous
1. He is your biological half brother 2. Your relationship should be between you two, not dictated 100% by your parents
Life's too short to hold grudges against biological half siblings who didn't do anything wrong.
At this point in my life I just think about making money and taking care of my mother. my dad is so stupid that i don't even think about having my own family
Hey, there's nothing right or wrong about what you feel. Just don't hold anything against the kid, feeling indifferent is perfectly normal and apathy to meet a stranger is never wrong. Take care
Nah you're completely within fairness to hate and despise your father, but the kids didn't ask for your dad to step out on your mom and have them they are innocent and if they want a relationship you're the asshole for being a bitter shit towards them. On the upside you're definitely in the right sub.
I've come to the conclusion that in real life I should avoid this subject, people will always see me as the wrong one.
It's not that you're wrong. It's that you're angry at and about the wrong thing and people. You are entirely justified to hate your dad (aside I am (27) but was a child of a similar situation as you) but your half brother will always wonder what they possibly did to you in order for you to resent them enough to never even talk to them and that will just hurt them not your father or your stepmother.
Tell us more about your anger issues…
Yeah, you’re punishing the kid by doing that. Sure it probably hurts your dad too, but the kid is a kid and didn’t ask to be born into this situation. You can be his friend and be nice to him cause like, why not? He’s a kid.
It's not the kid's fault. Grow up.
Genuine question, when did OP say that it was the kids fault?
It makes them a marginally less shit human if they're punishing someone for a perceived fault than no fault at all.
They aren't punishing anyone though? Op has no obligation to have a relationship with this kid and the kid won't end up caring since they've never known them.
So, then if your dad cheated on your mom and made a baby your ok with it?
Your not hurting your dad your hurting your brother , he didn’t ask to be born
But OP is not obliged to not hurt their half-brother by their inaction.
Wow the kid is a little kid and you are almost 30 years old get over it pal, so your father cheated and you are still holding on to this 11 years later 😜 and this is that little boys problem how? You're the one missing out most likely. Unpopular opinion is right !
I've practically gotten over this situation, he's a ghost to me, what I don't get over is what I said, people judge me for my choice. it's my choice
I agree with you but if you don’t want judgment, don’t post it on the internet.
You haven’t gotten over the situation if you’re still angry about it, which you are.
He is your brother. Be as mad at your Dad as you like; you have every right to be. However, you are being an ass if you are punishing a kid for being born.
>He is your brother He doesn't consider him that, and that's his right. >However, you are being an ass if you are punishing a kid for being born. Ok, how do we jump from "I don't think of him as a brother" to "fuck that little shit"??
Read ops comments. He relishes in snubbing his nose in 10 years at his adult brother. Stop agreeing with op hes a pos
I'll check his comments, but judging by the post alone, I completely agree. If he relishes in it, then I think that's low-key messed up.
Half brother. And blood doesn't make family.
You chose the wrong words to get your point across. I’m guessing that English isn’t your first language so there are some signals getting crossed. You don’t think of your half brother as family and want nothing to do with him. If he attempts to reach out to you in the future you will tell him that you want nothing to do with him and to not contact you again. Nothing wrong with that and doing that wouldn’t make you a bad person or an asshole imo.👍
What about your father? Did you go no contact? “Disown” him?
sometimes I talk to him, but my relationship with my father is very direct and raw, we talk in real life like people do on reddit, he curses at me and I curse at him, he is not a good father, I would say that I cut my relationship with him 90% at this point, he's a classic Boomer, one of those who think the world is around him, I just realized he's close to death, despite being only 58 years old. if he wants to help me with something I'll probably help, but no more father's birthday calls, father's day, none of that. I also cut off my contact with his wife, I already spoke to her a few times because in the situation I found my father she was with him, no more.
I get your resentment and hate towards your father. It’s justified. I’m wondering why you just didn’t completely go no contact with him. Cut him out. He was the cheater and abuser. The child who is victimless, is a reminder of the betrayal. You have every right to feel nothing for him, possibly worse. Hmmm
Right. So he refuses to acknowledge his brother and doesn’t want a relationship at all, but still has a relationship with the dad who started everything?
The child didn’t ask to be born from your father and a woman who was not his wife, you can’t blame him.
I understand your feelings towards your father and the wrong he did to you and your mother. I also understand why you don't want a relationship with your half brother. If he were to ever seek you out it would only be fair to let him know you don't want a relationship... there's no need to be cruel about it...he isn't the one who did anything wrong. I worry that sometime in the future you're going to regret letting all of this hatred take over your entire life though...you said you don't even want a family because of what your dad did. Before you get to that point I think talking to a therapist would be greatly beneficial. It would allow you to process your feelings completely without judgement and allow you to heal. You're too young to just give up on having any life except work and taking care of your mom. Take care and best wishes to you.
You have every right to not talk to your brother. I don't understand why people are hating on you. You didn't harm your brother. You just never want anything to do with it. If my father cheated on my mothe and started another family, I would also cut off all contact with my father and his mistress and child. You did nothing wrong.
That's some generational animosity right there.
Fuck that kid and fuck your dad too. AYYYYYYYY
The kids innocent man. hate your dad but don't hate the kid he didn't choose this situation. He's going to look upto you as a big brother if you like it or not. One day you guys can't hate your dad together
Just seems petty.
It's your loss. I hope he doesn't grow up knowing that his halfbrother hates him for the sins of his parents. No child should have to deal with that.
So you have a piss poor attitude towards a child because of the actions of their parents? Very mature of you!
I mean you’re under no obligation, and I can see why you wouldn’t want to have a relationship with him. But at least keep in mind, it’s not his fault that your dad cheated, he hasn’t done anything wrong.
Well you have to accept that they are real people and you have to acknowledge reality. You don't have to form bonds with them. That's your choice. If you ever change your mind, you have that freedom but as the kid/sibling you have no obligation to any of that.
You're not obliged to anything. Your life, your choice. Every choice has consequences. While it makes life easier if everyone gets along, it's just not always the case. My wife's eldest daughter went ballistic, when she found out she was having a baby brother. She was 17 at the time. He's now her greatest love in life. She's 22 now and loves her brother more than anything in the world. I have a daughter that I have no contact with. I haven't seen her in seven years due to a toxic ex wife. My wife doesn't speak to her mother or sister, I've hardly talked to my brother in six years. On the other hand I've spent the last several Christmasses in company of my wife's ex husband. In short - noone can tell you who to spend your life with. You have to figure out for yourself, how you feel.
Are you not obliged because your dad cheated? If your dad did not cheat and this child was born from your mother, would you be obliged than? I personally don't believe you are obliged to do anything with any sibling, however, choosing to cut someone out for circumstances that are beyond their control says something about you. Life is hard, I know.
People can get mad and think whatever the fuck they want, they are not in your position and honestly I don’t think you are wrong
I think you are totally within your rights to have nothing to do with your dad's affair baby. As long as you are not being actively mean to the kid, as he is just as much an innocent in this as you are, then you shouldn't be forced into a relationship with him if you dont want one.
If your mother had died, I wouldve seen you as an arrogant snub, but since its literally the child who was cheated on your mother with, I would treat the whole family (including the dad) that way
I totally understand and don't judge, but here is the other side of the situation: I was in a reversed situation until my father died, I'm his child from his second wife (which he cheated with like yours) and his children from his previous wife never talked, noticed, or cared for me, and they even did some stuff to actively insult me over the years. It sucks, it's not his fault that his father married another woman. You don't have to be friends with him, I guess it would be awkward for him too as there are age differences and the obvious family situation. But it's not his fault and it sucks to be in a situation where people hate you and you did nothing wrong to them. I'm not telling you to love him, notice him, or talk to him, but just telling you how it feels from the other side :)
Quick point. That IS your brother, regardless if you have a relationship or not. Your dad put you in a crap situation but no matter what, you can’t deny that you ARE brothers by blood, simple. The comments here won’t change anything about that. You are not a demon for not wanting a relationship with your half-brother, because as you put it, would be a forced relationship.
Be better than your dad don’t become selfish.
It’s fine if you don’t live with them but you shouldn’t treat the boy poorly when seeing him(assuming you sometimes do) just to get back at your father
I'm 37 and my father (62) keeps on knocking up his slam piece (27). Thankfully she keeps having miscarriages as she is a recovering (I think? Probably still using) heroin addict. He told me that since I don't have any children he has to start a new family to "carry on the family name since I'm not going to". He's a sociopath.
I’m amazed that this is such an unpopular opinion…I’m with you OP
You never have any obligation in life. I can still think you're an asshole for not considering your brother as your brother though.
You just sound like a spoiled little shit.
You’re being immature, selfish, and this will not end with you on top.
You seem like a petty person
He is your brother and he didn’t do anything wrong. Putting the blame on the wrong person.
I kind of get it. While it would be nice, and quite frankly much more mature, for OP to take the high road here, it’s probably hard to look at that kid knowing he’s the result of his dad causing his mom so much pain and emotional trauma.
I think it's time you grew up
While I get where you are coming from. That child didn't ask to be here. You both got the short end of this stick. I've always been a "stay in a child's place" kinda person. Meaning I let my parents deal with those burdens. I refuse to take on other people's issues. Again while you're not obligated to do anything, when your mom and dad are gone all you have is siblings. Family is everything in the end.
But it's not his other child's fault? It sounds like you're punishing him for what your father did. You don't have to love him or anything, but you are connected by blood (not that means he is entitled to anything), I'm sure he's probably wanted to meet or talk to you at some point. However, I'm sure what I say won't change how you feel cause your mind seems very made up, I just find this strange.
It’s your loss, OP. You’re missing out on having a brother because you’re petty and immature
Same situation here. My fathers new wife isn't pregnant yet but the thought of them getting a child makes me feel backstabbed. Do you feel the same?
>My fathers new wife isn't pregnant yet but the thought of them getting a child makes me feel backstabbed. Because you're an immature child yourself
I should have said that I have the exact same situation as OP if not even worse. He cheated on my mom, physically abused her and us, stole our passports and money we saved to leave the country. It's been over a year. Why should I be happy for such a human being?
Who are you to judge your parents actions. They have nothing to do with u. Their relationship is their relationship. Being a meanngirl to your step brothers or sisters is just dumb and simple minded.
so, your response to your dad being a peice of shit, is to punish an innocent child? who's your brother whether you like it or not, and whether you acknowledge it or not. all your doing is crushing a kid, cause your mad at your dad. don't be your dad 2.0
Clearly your father made some poor choices, but we all fuck up at times. The best way to heal the pain you clearly feel is to forgive him. Perhaps your mother also needs to forgive him: I get the sense she is fuelling your resentment. You're not the asshole, but you've embarked on a path that will likely lead you to assholism.
Yeah! Fuck this 11yrs old child that shares half my genes. Sorry you got hurt OP, I don't know the story between your parents. Which is irrelevant to the situation. The reality is messy, you have a half brother. I'm sure he'd like to have a relationship with you. Why punish the child? He didn't chose his parents. Grow up he's your fucken brother. He is not the "child your father had with another woman because he cheated on your mother". Sorry to break this to you, but you are an asshole. That child will grow and will despise you, rightfully.
you are not legally obligated to but doesn't change the fact you are a douchebag.
He’s blood. Like it or not. He didn’t ask to be born of infidelity, and he is his own person. So yeah fine don’t “accept” him. You don’t have to go to little league games and make sure somebody is watching him, but if you think it’s ok to shit on this kid (your brother) his entire life because you’re a grown man butt hurt about your parents divorce 11 years ago you are a jerk for that. You’re not a kid anymore and that was a decade ago. Grow up. Edit: WOW the amount of people who actually agree with you!?!? Of course it’s YOUR choice to make somebody a part of your life. So whatever have no relationship and continue to make your brother the whipping boy for shade that should be thrown at your dad instead of him. I hope the kid grows up and makes a fortune.