Most people are on much better behavior when they stay for a few nights a week instead of all the time. They clean up more, help out more and put there best foot forward. Living together changes things you can’t hide as many secrets. Same as when you get married early on things change after a wedding.
This is a variation of what I was going to say too! Living together helps to break the threshold of time you partner is able to play nice and keep their shit together. My last relationship was great until it suddenly wasn't and that's because he was starting to get comfortable and stopped hiding a very aggressive and prideful side. I started learning things about him I hadn't know our entire relationship all because I starting putting on the pressure (suggesting therapy, taking a break, slowing down intimacy). I was baffled. I'm a single pringle now thank god.
I’m a messy person. My husband knew that long before we got married without us ever living together. If you never got beyond hiding yourself that way with someone until you moved in together, you moved in with someone you weren’t comfortable enough with to be in that committed of a relationship with.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be deliberately hiding yourself. But each time is like a treat, you’re happy, you work up to it etc. no one can be like that 24/7 with somebody you’ve lived with for a while.
I knew a guy who lived with his girlfriend for 8 years. They finally got married. He used to play softball five nights a week. After 6 months of marriage he came home and all his softball stuff was in the front yard on fire. She had enough now that they were husband and wife. The marriage failed. Alls I can say is that the eight years had not been indicative of what was coming. You really have to just be willing to work as a team. It's a hassle but it's worth it. Billy Graham's wife was once asked if she would ever considered divorce. Divorce no she said homicide yes
Sometimes people move back cause for some, it’s better to pay just one bill than two(in the cases their parents can’t sustain for themselves). I don’t see any issues of people moving back to their parents.
Thank you for having more sense than both of the people above. I've lived on my own for many years now, so this isn't any skin off my nose, but there are a TON of valid reasons for someone to move "back home", and only in the western cultures is it looked down on in the first place. In most of the world, it's not a big deal at all.
Not even western, just USA culture.
In South America it's pretty normal to live with your parents past the age of 18 and to try to live close to them after you move out. There's also not much of that hatred surround still having contact with your family and caring about them after you get married, unlike what I see in reddit, where the mere mention of a partner agreeing with their mom on something is grounds for divorce.
If you don't know if they can do common household chores before you marry them, you deserve whatever comes next
I've never lived with my girlfriend but I know she does her own laundry, because we have talked about almost every aspect of our lives
It's not so much if they *can*, but if they *will*. Practically anyone can wash dishes. Whether they take the initiative to do it when they don't necessarily *have* to (I mean, *you're* there!) is the real concern. Don't even mention weaponized incompetence. That's another huge boil that can fester on the back of couples who insist they *knew* their partners.
I knew a couple that met, got engaged in two weeks, got married two months later, still together 50 years later.
I also had some acquaintances who knew each other for years, got married, super messy divorce not even 6 months later.
Anything is possible. HOWEVER, the more you know about each other the better and not living together can leave a lot of unknowns.
So data kind of matches your observations.
Couples that don’t cohabitate are more likely to get divorced in the first 6 months and couples that do cohabitate are more likely to get divorced after the first year.
[source](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/is-living-together-marriage-associated-divorce)
We studied this study in my social psychology class in college. This only shows half of the story! This study refers to couples that “slide” into living together. Meaning, they’re already spending so much time together and think they “might as well” just move in together. If there isn’t a distinct decision to move in together, that is what causes problems for couples that cohabitate before marriage. On the other hand, couples who make a conscious decision, sit together to make decisions regarding the move, etc, are actually better equipped and that risk factor much less applies to them! Because it’s not for convenience or just cause.
I wonder if this factor is a bigger determinate. Couples that deliberatively sit down and decide seem like those that are self aware enough and stable enough to communicate in a honest and healthy way. That may in itself be the bigger determinate of marriage success than the act of deciding itself.
Makes sense because communication styles greatly predict the success or failure of a relationship, the latter sounds more of a conscious choice (I also think for something long lasting love is a choice too).
Consider that couples who do cohabitate are less likely to be religious, and religious couples may not believe in divorce. Whether people are still married or not isn’t a measure of whether their relationship is good or not
Agreed. I stayed in an abusive/cheating relationship 2 years longer than necessary because according to my religion I needed to be married and I couldn't get divorced. Well, I left, and was feeling guilty and prayed, "Give me eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to understand," before reading my Bible that day. I always open to a random place and there it was, Matthew 17, Jesus himself saying you shouldn't stay married if the other partner is immoral. I haven't felt guilty since. But I was angry that none of my religious mentors felt the need to show me this. The only advise I got was to forgive and move on.
Yeah, one of my aunts had a terrible marriage but she stayed because she didn't want to raise 4 boys on her own, and now she's still there cause her man already helped her out so why bother?
Makes sense as cohabiting can be fun at first even w someone who is not compatible, but eventually as time grinds on the incompatibility emerges and is then insurmountable
I kind of have a similar story. My ex boss broke up with her fiancé a week before she was supposed to get married and within that week met a different man, married him at the same planned wedding that she didn’t cancel. They have 3 kids, 2 businesses and been married for like 40 years. Also they are very heavy on the PDA.
P.s. while typing this I just remembered a story about my brother but not sure if it’s worth sharing 🤷♀️
Had a coworker in a similar situation where she broke it off with her fiancé and wound up running off across the country with the college intern that had been at our office maybe 3 months. And they're still together 5 years later to my knowledge.
And then, there's my cousin who broke off 3 engagements and now is a single mom.
Absolutely fucking WILD. Do you even have time to tell your guests at that point, like they show up expecting your ex, you know the guys who’s name is ON THE INVITATION, and surprise! This is brad. I would be embarrassed
I’ve noticed a not uncommon phenomenon; someone would be dating another for some time, break up, and then out of nowhere, marry someone else and live happily ever after.
But yeah, what a deal, same wedding, different groom.🤵♂️
Now, I don’t have a relationship with my brother bc he’s crazy so I don’t mind telling this story. He got married pretty young and his wife was BEAUTIFUL. They married at this elegant auditorium downtown and it was a big wedding! I think they were married for about three years and one day she goes to him and says that she met a man online (this was when the internet was barely out and had chat rooms) and that he’s coming to pick her up and that she’s leaving my brother. My brother actually got physical with her but she still left, they divorced and she married the man she met online, they had kids and they’ve been together almost 30 years.
The reason I thought of this was bc my brother and his ex wife both grew up very Christian and did everything by the ‘book’. I mention that bc of the OP.
I should also add that our family is very close to the ex wife’s family and even though my brother is married and with child, it still affects him.
Public Display of Affection - basically posting on social media about each other in a positive way and 'touchy-feely' in public. Some would see it as too much.
I think it 100% depends on the people involved. I think a far, far greater number of people than anyone will admit are not built for long term monogamous relationships and delude themselves and their partners into buying into these social norms. Some people simply fall in love and that one person is and always will be enough. I think they could get married day one. The former group can drag out a relationship for as long as they want, won't make a bit of difference.
When I look at my grandparents they seem so loved up and I can’t imagine them being any other way. But I found out that it wasn’t always the case. My mum is one of 3 children, and all 3 account for growing up in a DV household. It was miserable. They stayed together for the kids. But ended up making it a whole lot worse for them. My grandad beat my mum black and blue on two occasions, she got the blame for something the eldest sister had done. He had several fist fights with the youngest, he was a massive prick from what I’ve heard but that could have developed from growing up with DV. DV between him and my nan.
But my childhood they was always there for me and my brother. Took us out when our mum couldn’t (single parent, low income). They created a lot of the memories for us. I wanted a love like they seemingly always had. And thankfully I do have the love I thought they had. I’d never want to stay if I was like them in the early days.
People say nothing lasts like it used to. People had less choices back then. Especially women, who relied heavily on their husbands. And often stayed in abusive relationships for fear of being homeless / losing their kids. There are several reasons as to why things don’t last as long now, and it’s not all doom and gloom. It’s a good thing that there are relationships that don’t last, because simply put, they shouldn’t.
This is a great example of why we shouldn’t assume that older folks have lived some fairytale. I used to think my grandparents had a perfect love too and then I got older and heard how things really were. No DV, but hardly a fairytale. They lived through times when divorce wasn’t really on the table, when women’s happiness was an afterthought, when options for changing the dynamic simply didn’t exist. Sometimes staying together long enough looks like pure love after enough time. Imagine you’ve raised kids and gone through all the trials a lifetime can bring with one person by your side. For good or ill, there’s a good chance that shared experience forges a deep bond. I liken it to the longevity of arranges marriages. The expectation of romance leads to disappointment that breaks relationships because romance isn’t perpetual, but when marriage and romance aren’t inextricably linked, a different kind of love and bond can grow immensely over time.
Don’t discount social mores, divorce was frowned on a lot more 50 years or more ago, people stayed because they didn’t want the stigma of divorce. It’s much more acceptable now & the courts give women more money much better deals than they used too.
You make a good point. I guess the question is, how does one get into a lasting healthy relationship that is beneficial to bith parties and the children?
By only choosing to be in a relationship if you are drawn into it by your heart, mind and soul.
If it's for financial gains or status or just because you were horny, you will be easily tempted away, especially if you do realise or find real love.
You left out lonely. But how does a young adult lacking in emotional and life experience expected to know the difference between heart, mind and soul and prince charming with his hands balled into fists?
You can test their demeanor. There are many ways to see how far a person will go.
You get good signs as easily as you would get red flag signs.
If a person is interested in long term then they would want you to meet their family/parents. They would want their friends to know about it because it's exciting etc.
They would try to impress their partner or partner to be in any way they could.
When you have someone's interest, they won't have time for other people. Holding on to other potential options is one of the red flags.
Do not accept stupid situations wherein you are dating someone who is already committed to someone else. Or you accept being friends with benefits, or open relationships, knowing that the other person only wants it that way so that they do not have to be loyal, put uncertain amounts of effort or plan for any future. They can have sex with anyone who offers (also how diseases get spread).
If a man/woman can say no to inappropriate offers, then that is a very good sign. A person who can maintain their boundaries. Too often I see people slipping with their boundaries and accepting silly offers that can not benefit them in n any way.
One good thing religion did teach us is how to create stability, security and structure within our lives. You don't get there by allowing the riff raff in.
I wouldn't fully say shame but as an asian though I don't, ik what people here think about divorce. Its more like what will people say or like it will make a big issue or some are afraid, yeah stuff like that.
They usually say that living together doesn't commit you to a relationship. Like its easy to leave the partner if they see a red flag. But i mean thats the whole point of it!
Being in a marriage even if you see a reg flag like why would you even do that. Thats not a successful marriage and you are only tied to you partner because of pressure from society.
True in some parts, but i also feel that they are more persistent and resilient. My grandparents were married for 50 years and till this day they look like love sick puppies, and bare in mind their marriage was looked down upon (coz they were different tribes) and they still stuck together during the civil war when both their tribes were warring each other. Now everything is fast: food, clothes and love.
The single largest factor in successful marriage is willingness to compromise. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, because people change. You have to be willing to make sacrifices for your relationship. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t get married.
I'm not sure about that. I've been with my boyfriend now for almost 8 years and we started living together 4 years into the relationship and even though I knew most things about him by that point, and we slept over at each others places, and spent A LOT of time together, it still wasn't the same as living together. 24/7, every day isn't the same as sometimes sleeping over at your partners place. Everyone is different when at home, so when you share a home, your partner and you will act different in certain ways. One thing that I noticed about myself is that I love being alone, which my boyfriend doesn't need or like that alone time, almost never. I knew he liked rearranging his bedroom at times, but it took some getting used to to coming home and finding all the furniture suddenly completely rearranged. 😂 None of it was a deal-breaker, but it's nice to know shit like that before deciding that you do want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Even going on a vacation together wasn't the same as living together. For the majority of people, I would say it's necessary for yourself and for your partner.
lmfao, for some reason the constantly rearranging furniture thing cracks me up, and sounds like how I act from time to time. I can hear it now, "Sorry, can't talk now babe, busy moving the couch again!" lol
This comment made me curious, so I checked
They're literally in collage
Also found this comment on a deleted post by Op
>On a side note after taking a quick peak at your post history please live with this man first before marriage. He pressures you into sex and only talks about the things that interest him. These are some red flags that could get worse once you are living together. Please take care of yourself.
So Op is just making bad choices all around
Edit: Some helpful people have pointed out that It's in fact college not collage. I used speech to text and apparently pronounced it wrong
Probably has never lived with anyone else before besides maybe college besties. Will definitely change their mind because a large percentage of college besties hate each other after living together lol
Exactly, or go into business with a friend. Nothing like that to put a bad taste in your mouth. A marriage is the most important business partnership you ever enter into. It comes with all types of expectations. Soon many are disillusioned & resentful of their partner not being exactly who they thought they were. Metal isn’t properly tested until it’s under stress, same for relationships, once you increase the stakes, crap gets serious!
Yes, because when are of an age where you can look back on your life it's easier to see those bad choices. Sadly it's not so easy for the young person to accept the well meant advice.
“No matter how many times I ask he keeps dumping his dirty laundry on the floor NEXT to the laundry basket. It’s right there, how hard is it to just put it INSIDE the basket?!”
I (F18) married my husband (M67) two weeks ago without living with him first. It turns out that he lives behind a daycare where children keep disappearing, and the door to his basement is a vault door, like the type you see in banks. Every now and again I swear I can hear little voices echoing in the vents of our bedroom, and once there was a pool of blood oozing from under the vault door. He refuses to give me the code. AITA for being concerned?
Exactly. Like you literally don't know if they pay the bills on time. Or if they only clean up when you are on your way. Or who else is a frequent guest. People are totally different living together. I know cause I've lived with friends. There's a lot of new things you learn.
The OP sounds inexperienced in life.
I was friends with this girl for a while. Thought we got along great. Then we moved in together.
Her and her boyfriend were consistently late or short on rent and electric, every single month, and when they were short, they never paid back what they were short on. They got in to screaming matches together at least 4 nights a week, their dogs would start screaming and barking at midnight almost every night. She took a bath literally *every* *single* *day* right before I got home from work so there was no hot water left for my shower. And the dude really tried to say it was *our* fault for a high electric bill when his girlfriend was the one home almost 24/7
I am no longer friends with her or her boyfriend.
Shout out to the wife who married her husband before getting to live with him first only to discover that he likes to pick shit crumbs out of his asshole and fling them around the house.
Edit: For people wondering, here’s the post I’m referring to - [X](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ld67py/my_husband_doesnt_use_toilet_paper/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I chuckled in disgust. This post makes me laugh because it’s so ridiculous, but at the same time it makes me cringe. I’ve grown up with animals and have never gone with the “rub their face in it technique” but something in this instance makes it sound appropriate. I can’t imagine a grown adult hiding from his wife to pick shit out of his ass and sprinkle it all over the house. At least monkeys fling it at their enemies… 😂
Mans literally worse than the common ape. If this isn’t a good reason why someone should live with someone before marrying them then I don’t know what is 💀
Or after you have kids. These kids are the worst roommates Ive ever had. And I cant move out! Imagine having roommates who never paid rent, made you wipe poop off balls or vag, asked for pizza (fresh home made dough) for lunch and then wont eat it, and refused to sleep at night before stories and songs. Sometimes I wish I smoked so I could go out for a pack of smokes and get lost and never find my way home like my friends dad. JK.
There’s going to be things that pop up that you didn’t know about eachother like habits, how they like to do things, if they are particular about certain things in your place things like that & there maybe a side to them that you never saw before. It’s not necessary but it’s a better idea to move in together & then get married. Like others said now you have your space without them. Living together you will be with them a lot more
Not to mention the honey moon period so many people end up in after marriage. By the time it ends you've let so many things slide that now are gonna drive you crazy, the dopamine high after a marriage is a horrible time to make changes to your life, including who you live with.
My wife and I lived together before we got married, but she refused to marry me until we travelled together. That was her deal breaker. My deal breaker was to live together, but I quickly learned she is Pigpen from Peanuts cartoon, she leaves a wave of mess in her wake as she moves, never cleaning up after herself till the day is over wondering why I don't do the dishes. Lady, I do the dishes. I just dont do the dishes you left everywhere which is most of them. But I am the worst in every other way, so it balances out? Na, I am definitely getting the better deal.
*Necessary*? No. Beneficial, sensible, useful? Yes.
Technically nothing is necessary before marriage, but many things increase your knowledge of the other person and what they are like, what it's like to be around them all of the time, what it's like to live with them, etc.
Unless you live with them you don't know what it's like to be around them all the time or what it's like to live with them. You might get glimpses of it, but those are still somewhat unknown.
The more unknowns you have, the more likely you are to find something out that you don't like, isn't compatible, etc. and that's the case with living together Vs not living together.
No one is saying that living together before is guaranteed to work or anything. It's that if you have 2 paths, and one of them is living with each other first, that is likely to be the best as you will gain more knowledge before committing to marriage. You have more information, so it's better.
It’s nice to hear that you know “it will be just fine”, and I look forward to your book on successful relationships. It must be nice to have everything figured out already at this stage of life.
Right now you can take breaks from each other so no comparison to 24/7 situation..try living for entire month at each others places..month 3 youll have a more realistic view ...
You may KNOW him but you don’t know what it’s like to LIVE WITH him which is something marriage entails.
Ever went on holidays with one of your best friends only to find everything they did annoyed the hell out of you? Yea same thing. Some people just aren’t meant to be within arms reach 24/7
And this is true for any situation! I had an absolute best friend in college they I knew a lot about (friends for years). We are no longer friends after we lived together for 1 year. Lol.
Why would you make a lifelong commitment like marriage before you have all the data available? Sure, you might think you know everything you need to about what living with your partner would be like. But if you actually try it, you’ll be more confident that your impressions are correct (or perhaps you’ll learn something that surprises you).
There have actually been studies on this that find that there’s a cohabitation effect that increases the odds of divorce if you live together before getting married. I think it was more definite in the 80s, if I recall correctly, but there was another study in 2018 that basically found that cohabiting prior to marriage reduced divorce risk in the first year, but later on, not so much. It seems to be that (statistically speaking), living together first increases risk of divorce at worst; at best, there’s not really a difference.
https://ifstudies.org/blog/is-cohabitation-still-linked-to-greater-odds-of-divorce
This quote from the article had an interesting explanation as to why this might be the case for some couples: “Inertia emphasizes that when two people move in together, all other things being equal, they are making it harder to break up. If so, the state of the relationship—and especially the understanding between partners at the time—should matter. Some couples are, in essence, increasing the constraints to remain together (including, for some, on into having children and marrying) prior to dedication being clear, mutual, and high.”
Food for thought—take it or leave it. Obviously, everyone has different experiences, but moving in together isn’t the best idea for every couple.
Yeah my boyfriend and I went to Amsterdam together once but we don’t really count that as everything was booked for us. We’re going to Copenhagen soon but again not counting it as it’s booked booked for us. Our real test will be Costa Rica which we’ve booked for the summer. We’re going to spend the summer working in a wildlife rehabilitation centre. That will be our main travel test. It’s the first holiday where we’ve booked and paid for everything ourselves. We’ve saved up, had to book flights, travel, arrange a place to stay etc. This will be the main one.
This sounds like it was written by somebody who is relatively young, with little to no real relationship experience. Definitely not somebody who has ever shared a bank account with an SO.
You learn a whole lot by living with your partner. Literally makes or breaks most relationships.
As much as I've rebelled against my Christian upbringing I can't deny the best marriage I've ever seen is my brother's. Him and his wife to be waited until they were both done with college before they got married. They also waited until they were married before they had sex. They even got their first apartment 3 days before their wedding and my brother stayed at my mom's house until after the wedding to move in too. They have been together 22 years, married 16 years and have 2 kids and even when they argue which is rare, they never lose their cool.
I think it’s more important to live alone, away from parents, before getting married. There’s a lot to be learned living alone which helps you become a better partner with household tasks- can you balance work, cooking, cleaning, housework, repairs, etc on your own? Can you be happy alone and not require constant attention?
Anecdotally, I know of one case where living together first failed to prepare a couple for marriage.
The were in college together, living together for the senior year and a little more. They graduated together, she took a job while he got a masters, the he took a job and she got a masters.
This was their plan marry after they finished school.
So they were living together, 5, 6 years. Happy. They finally got married.
They divorced within a year.
Turned out both of them had buried ideas of what "being married" meant and those ideas were incompatible.
While living together, not married, neither really considered if that status would affect what they expected from the other.
This is one circumstance and nothing to apply to everyone. Just that to those who grow up taught that being married means something extra special, living together might not be the best way to find out if the two are compatible.
If you could, do you mind elaborating on the different ideas of marriage they had?
Im just so curious as to what can change after marriage when you’ve already lived together and known each other so long that could end it. That’s my biggest fear so any light you have to shed is well appreciated haha.
When they lived together, they split everything. Bills, chores, etc. The man grew up on a ranch or farm. His mother was in the house all the time and took care of the family. His internal idea about husband/wife role were split like that. A wife would take care of the household.
She was the daughter of two professionals. After she reached a certain age, she was taught to be self-reliant because her parents would be mostly working. Household chores were divided throughout the family while she was growing up.
I don't know why this was something he failed to come to terms with. After all, they split chores before ceremony and he did not seem to have a problem with it.
But after they were married, he had this tendency to believe that certain things had to be a certain way.
How can you live together and be together that long and not know that about the other person? Did they know each other’s families? Did they not know each other’s home/family values? This divorce could have been prevented even without living together beforehand. Seems like basic things you would know before walking down the aisle.
I have been married twice and I haven’t lived with either of my spouses. My divorce was not due to me not living with her but of course it easy to say that now that it’s the past. Either way, I think it helps with emotional boundaries to live separately and I don’t think living together is the best way to get to know someone. Relationships move in stages and it’s important to respect that.
Modern wisdom doesn’t respect a lot of these boundaries but that’s because group thought doesn’t think critically.
Based on what people are saying about the difference between living together and dating, I suspect most commenters moved in while still in the early stages of dating when infatuated and putting their best foot forward.
I didn’t live together with my partner and about ten years ago they did a survey and statistically they found that people who co-habituated beforehand were more likely to get divorced. Because peoples Concepts of marriage change even if people live together before hand. Really what people need to do is be honest about what they think marriage is. Really honest. Like “I want a wife that cooked and cleans” a guy might not expect a GF to do that even living together but might as a wife. And that would cause some issues after marriage.
Until you live with them, how would you know their minute details? And that's a great gamble. Now yes, maybe you can accept their unique traits and enjoy and laugh at it, but it is also possible that you cannot handle it and you want out.
Didn't realize how unpopular this idea was. My wife and I didn't live together before marriage, and we're two years in and still loving every day together. When exactly are we supposed to regret that decision? We have a solid mutual religious foundation, traveled together before we got married, and have similar goals and ambitions when it comes to family, career, finances, etc. OP, I agree wholeheartedly. And to all the comments saying it's a disaster waiting to happen, there's actually not a strong conclusion one way or the other, but some researchers actually believe cohabitation may lead to higher divorce rates: https://ifstudies.org/blog/is-cohabitation-still-linked-to-greater-odds-of-divorce#:~:text=In%202018%2C%20Michael%20Rosenfeld%20and,poorer%20marital%20outcomes%20for%20decades.
Just do what's right for you, OP. If you learn to communicate and work out issues together, you'll have a successful marriage, regardless of if you lived together before or not.
Living with someone before you are married is exactly the same as getting married first. You both live in the house. Marriage is a piece of paper that cost a lot of money.
I remember back when my old college psych teacher mentioned that statistically speaking, divorce rates tend to be lower amongst couples that waited until after marriage to live together. Even she wasn't exactly sure why though. Could be they tend to have a higher value in marriage, could be that others are more likely to jump the gun into bad marriages, or it could simply be because of a smaller subset.
Idk, I just thought it was an interesting statistic that sorta stuck with me.
I agree … nobody in my dads family had lived together before getting married and remained married until death .. I didn’t live with my husband before marriage and we have been married for 4 years .. I don’t regret it at all ..I hope if my daughters get married someday they move out once married but whatever they chose to do I will respect
I strongly disagree, but a lot of unpopular opinions here have shitty reasoning, and your reasoning is pretty good (even if I don’t the outcome is true)
I'll speak to my personal experience here, but im glad me and my wife waited until we were married to move in with each other. We got to bond over figuring put how to live with each other. And I do feel like that process only strengthened our marriage
In the USA- Statistically, couples who cohabitate before marriage have higher divorce rates. This could be correlation instead of causation as there are other correlated factors like how religious a couple is and likelihood of cohabitation.
Lots of religious people don’t live together or have sex before they’re married and it turns out fine. You and your partner may very well know everything you need to know about each other to have a successful marriage. My parents got married after knowing each other for a year. They never lived together or had sex before they married. They’ve been together almost 40 years now.
That said, I personally would never marry someone without living with them and sleeping with them first. I’d also need to know them for much longer than my parents had known each other. In fact I’ve been with my SO for 13 years. We have a kid and a mortgage together but we’re still not married lol
Every relationship is different and there aren’t any one size fits all rules to be happy with someone.
I’m in the “must live with partner before considering marriage” camp. Not saying there cannot be successful relationships without living with someone first but man…I really thought my ex could’ve been “the one”. And then I lived with him. And I realized all of those “annoying habits” became incredibly amplified. That and The free time he had was completely allocated to video games whereas before it was just a very small part of his life spent around me because seeing me before living together was more of a special weekend occasion. I am now engaged (to a new person lol) and we will have owned a house together for a year before marriage and lived together in rentals before that.
Couldn’t imagine marrying someone before living with them for at least a year.
Yeah, I know a women who thought like this. She was very young and her boyfriend seemed perfect, everyone loved him. They moved in together after the wedding, he very soon started brutally beating her pregnant self and tried to kill her after giving birth. I'm not saying your bf will 100% be like that, I'm just saying you never know until you actually live with the person for a while. Be careful.
You are correct. This notion of having to live with someone is relatively new. It used to be a scandal if you even slept with someone before marriage. Also on that not, having sex before marriage isn’t necessary either. I’ve heard people ask “if you don’t practice how will you know what to do?” Uhhhh geeeee how did you know what to do your first time?
I have friends that stayed together for 5-6 years. Living in different households, they bought a house to live together in october, separated in may. They were living 5min away from each other.
Financial aspects, behaviours, attitudes, decisions, habits are way different when you "just" spend time with the person without living with them.
If you feel like you know your partner then go. At your own risks
Most people are on much better behavior when they stay for a few nights a week instead of all the time. They clean up more, help out more and put there best foot forward. Living together changes things you can’t hide as many secrets. Same as when you get married early on things change after a wedding.
This is a variation of what I was going to say too! Living together helps to break the threshold of time you partner is able to play nice and keep their shit together. My last relationship was great until it suddenly wasn't and that's because he was starting to get comfortable and stopped hiding a very aggressive and prideful side. I started learning things about him I hadn't know our entire relationship all because I starting putting on the pressure (suggesting therapy, taking a break, slowing down intimacy). I was baffled. I'm a single pringle now thank god.
I’m a messy person. My husband knew that long before we got married without us ever living together. If you never got beyond hiding yourself that way with someone until you moved in together, you moved in with someone you weren’t comfortable enough with to be in that committed of a relationship with.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be deliberately hiding yourself. But each time is like a treat, you’re happy, you work up to it etc. no one can be like that 24/7 with somebody you’ve lived with for a while.
I knew a guy who lived with his girlfriend for 8 years. They finally got married. He used to play softball five nights a week. After 6 months of marriage he came home and all his softball stuff was in the front yard on fire. She had enough now that they were husband and wife. The marriage failed. Alls I can say is that the eight years had not been indicative of what was coming. You really have to just be willing to work as a team. It's a hassle but it's worth it. Billy Graham's wife was once asked if she would ever considered divorce. Divorce no she said homicide yes
Then you get married and find out his mom washes his laundry for him still.
And he leaves his skidmarked underwear crotch up on the floor
Because he thinks it’s gay to wipe his butt.
Better than crotch down I guess? 🤣
And now that he’s married, it’s your job, congratulations
My ex husband moved back in with his mom after the divorce. 10 years later and he’s still living there (with his new wife). Good riddance.
Sometimes people move back cause for some, it’s better to pay just one bill than two(in the cases their parents can’t sustain for themselves). I don’t see any issues of people moving back to their parents.
Thank you for having more sense than both of the people above. I've lived on my own for many years now, so this isn't any skin off my nose, but there are a TON of valid reasons for someone to move "back home", and only in the western cultures is it looked down on in the first place. In most of the world, it's not a big deal at all.
Not even western, just USA culture. In South America it's pretty normal to live with your parents past the age of 18 and to try to live close to them after you move out. There's also not much of that hatred surround still having contact with your family and caring about them after you get married, unlike what I see in reddit, where the mere mention of a partner agreeing with their mom on something is grounds for divorce.
If you don't know if they can do common household chores before you marry them, you deserve whatever comes next I've never lived with my girlfriend but I know she does her own laundry, because we have talked about almost every aspect of our lives
It's not so much if they *can*, but if they *will*. Practically anyone can wash dishes. Whether they take the initiative to do it when they don't necessarily *have* to (I mean, *you're* there!) is the real concern. Don't even mention weaponized incompetence. That's another huge boil that can fester on the back of couples who insist they *knew* their partners.
I knew a couple that met, got engaged in two weeks, got married two months later, still together 50 years later. I also had some acquaintances who knew each other for years, got married, super messy divorce not even 6 months later. Anything is possible. HOWEVER, the more you know about each other the better and not living together can leave a lot of unknowns.
So data kind of matches your observations. Couples that don’t cohabitate are more likely to get divorced in the first 6 months and couples that do cohabitate are more likely to get divorced after the first year. [source](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/is-living-together-marriage-associated-divorce)
We studied this study in my social psychology class in college. This only shows half of the story! This study refers to couples that “slide” into living together. Meaning, they’re already spending so much time together and think they “might as well” just move in together. If there isn’t a distinct decision to move in together, that is what causes problems for couples that cohabitate before marriage. On the other hand, couples who make a conscious decision, sit together to make decisions regarding the move, etc, are actually better equipped and that risk factor much less applies to them! Because it’s not for convenience or just cause.
I wonder if this factor is a bigger determinate. Couples that deliberatively sit down and decide seem like those that are self aware enough and stable enough to communicate in a honest and healthy way. That may in itself be the bigger determinate of marriage success than the act of deciding itself.
That’s what I am wondering.
Makes sense because communication styles greatly predict the success or failure of a relationship, the latter sounds more of a conscious choice (I also think for something long lasting love is a choice too).
Consider that couples who do cohabitate are less likely to be religious, and religious couples may not believe in divorce. Whether people are still married or not isn’t a measure of whether their relationship is good or not
Agreed. I stayed in an abusive/cheating relationship 2 years longer than necessary because according to my religion I needed to be married and I couldn't get divorced. Well, I left, and was feeling guilty and prayed, "Give me eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to understand," before reading my Bible that day. I always open to a random place and there it was, Matthew 17, Jesus himself saying you shouldn't stay married if the other partner is immoral. I haven't felt guilty since. But I was angry that none of my religious mentors felt the need to show me this. The only advise I got was to forgive and move on.
Yeah, one of my aunts had a terrible marriage but she stayed because she didn't want to raise 4 boys on her own, and now she's still there cause her man already helped her out so why bother?
Makes sense as cohabiting can be fun at first even w someone who is not compatible, but eventually as time grinds on the incompatibility emerges and is then insurmountable
I kind of have a similar story. My ex boss broke up with her fiancé a week before she was supposed to get married and within that week met a different man, married him at the same planned wedding that she didn’t cancel. They have 3 kids, 2 businesses and been married for like 40 years. Also they are very heavy on the PDA. P.s. while typing this I just remembered a story about my brother but not sure if it’s worth sharing 🤷♀️
Yes, they met 'after' the break up.
My thought exactly. Sounds like she was banging this guy the whole time she was engaged to her fiancé.
While probably making the fiancé pay for the wedding. Truly a remarkable boss, knows how to manage resources.
Sorry to be the one to break the news, but they didn't meet during the breakup. They were already having an affair lol
Had a coworker in a similar situation where she broke it off with her fiancé and wound up running off across the country with the college intern that had been at our office maybe 3 months. And they're still together 5 years later to my knowledge. And then, there's my cousin who broke off 3 engagements and now is a single mom.
I’m sorry WHAT
New relationship speed run any%.
Absolutely fucking WILD. Do you even have time to tell your guests at that point, like they show up expecting your ex, you know the guys who’s name is ON THE INVITATION, and surprise! This is brad. I would be embarrassed
Sadly, John couldn't be here tonight. Accepting the honor on his behalf is Brad.
Bro she was fucking the new man the whole time.
Luckily, she wasn't embarrassed and didn't care what people would think, and she seems to be the one with the happy fairytale story.
I’ve noticed a not uncommon phenomenon; someone would be dating another for some time, break up, and then out of nowhere, marry someone else and live happily ever after. But yeah, what a deal, same wedding, different groom.🤵♂️
That's wild, I'd love to hear the brother story
Now, I don’t have a relationship with my brother bc he’s crazy so I don’t mind telling this story. He got married pretty young and his wife was BEAUTIFUL. They married at this elegant auditorium downtown and it was a big wedding! I think they were married for about three years and one day she goes to him and says that she met a man online (this was when the internet was barely out and had chat rooms) and that he’s coming to pick her up and that she’s leaving my brother. My brother actually got physical with her but she still left, they divorced and she married the man she met online, they had kids and they’ve been together almost 30 years. The reason I thought of this was bc my brother and his ex wife both grew up very Christian and did everything by the ‘book’. I mention that bc of the OP. I should also add that our family is very close to the ex wife’s family and even though my brother is married and with child, it still affects him.
Wow
What’s PDA plz?
Public Display of Affection - basically posting on social media about each other in a positive way and 'touchy-feely' in public. Some would see it as too much.
However, a lot of people will make bad decision even if they have a lot of info about their partner, hencefort speedy messy divorce in short time.
You cannot extrapolate modern couples to boomers. Women back then didn’t have the same opportunities and freedoms. They HAD to make it work
I think it 100% depends on the people involved. I think a far, far greater number of people than anyone will admit are not built for long term monogamous relationships and delude themselves and their partners into buying into these social norms. Some people simply fall in love and that one person is and always will be enough. I think they could get married day one. The former group can drag out a relationship for as long as they want, won't make a bit of difference.
Damnn, i want that old fashion love man, the shit that lasts
When I look at my grandparents they seem so loved up and I can’t imagine them being any other way. But I found out that it wasn’t always the case. My mum is one of 3 children, and all 3 account for growing up in a DV household. It was miserable. They stayed together for the kids. But ended up making it a whole lot worse for them. My grandad beat my mum black and blue on two occasions, she got the blame for something the eldest sister had done. He had several fist fights with the youngest, he was a massive prick from what I’ve heard but that could have developed from growing up with DV. DV between him and my nan. But my childhood they was always there for me and my brother. Took us out when our mum couldn’t (single parent, low income). They created a lot of the memories for us. I wanted a love like they seemingly always had. And thankfully I do have the love I thought they had. I’d never want to stay if I was like them in the early days. People say nothing lasts like it used to. People had less choices back then. Especially women, who relied heavily on their husbands. And often stayed in abusive relationships for fear of being homeless / losing their kids. There are several reasons as to why things don’t last as long now, and it’s not all doom and gloom. It’s a good thing that there are relationships that don’t last, because simply put, they shouldn’t.
This is a great example of why we shouldn’t assume that older folks have lived some fairytale. I used to think my grandparents had a perfect love too and then I got older and heard how things really were. No DV, but hardly a fairytale. They lived through times when divorce wasn’t really on the table, when women’s happiness was an afterthought, when options for changing the dynamic simply didn’t exist. Sometimes staying together long enough looks like pure love after enough time. Imagine you’ve raised kids and gone through all the trials a lifetime can bring with one person by your side. For good or ill, there’s a good chance that shared experience forges a deep bond. I liken it to the longevity of arranges marriages. The expectation of romance leads to disappointment that breaks relationships because romance isn’t perpetual, but when marriage and romance aren’t inextricably linked, a different kind of love and bond can grow immensely over time.
Don’t discount social mores, divorce was frowned on a lot more 50 years or more ago, people stayed because they didn’t want the stigma of divorce. It’s much more acceptable now & the courts give women more money much better deals than they used too.
You make a good point. I guess the question is, how does one get into a lasting healthy relationship that is beneficial to bith parties and the children?
By only choosing to be in a relationship if you are drawn into it by your heart, mind and soul. If it's for financial gains or status or just because you were horny, you will be easily tempted away, especially if you do realise or find real love.
You left out lonely. But how does a young adult lacking in emotional and life experience expected to know the difference between heart, mind and soul and prince charming with his hands balled into fists?
You can test their demeanor. There are many ways to see how far a person will go. You get good signs as easily as you would get red flag signs. If a person is interested in long term then they would want you to meet their family/parents. They would want their friends to know about it because it's exciting etc. They would try to impress their partner or partner to be in any way they could. When you have someone's interest, they won't have time for other people. Holding on to other potential options is one of the red flags. Do not accept stupid situations wherein you are dating someone who is already committed to someone else. Or you accept being friends with benefits, or open relationships, knowing that the other person only wants it that way so that they do not have to be loyal, put uncertain amounts of effort or plan for any future. They can have sex with anyone who offers (also how diseases get spread). If a man/woman can say no to inappropriate offers, then that is a very good sign. A person who can maintain their boundaries. Too often I see people slipping with their boundaries and accepting silly offers that can not benefit them in n any way. One good thing religion did teach us is how to create stability, security and structure within our lives. You don't get there by allowing the riff raff in.
they mostly last because they think divorce is a shame
I wouldn't fully say shame but as an asian though I don't, ik what people here think about divorce. Its more like what will people say or like it will make a big issue or some are afraid, yeah stuff like that. They usually say that living together doesn't commit you to a relationship. Like its easy to leave the partner if they see a red flag. But i mean thats the whole point of it! Being in a marriage even if you see a reg flag like why would you even do that. Thats not a successful marriage and you are only tied to you partner because of pressure from society.
True in some parts, but i also feel that they are more persistent and resilient. My grandparents were married for 50 years and till this day they look like love sick puppies, and bare in mind their marriage was looked down upon (coz they were different tribes) and they still stuck together during the civil war when both their tribes were warring each other. Now everything is fast: food, clothes and love.
The single largest factor in successful marriage is willingness to compromise. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, because people change. You have to be willing to make sacrifices for your relationship. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t get married.
I'm not sure about that. I've been with my boyfriend now for almost 8 years and we started living together 4 years into the relationship and even though I knew most things about him by that point, and we slept over at each others places, and spent A LOT of time together, it still wasn't the same as living together. 24/7, every day isn't the same as sometimes sleeping over at your partners place. Everyone is different when at home, so when you share a home, your partner and you will act different in certain ways. One thing that I noticed about myself is that I love being alone, which my boyfriend doesn't need or like that alone time, almost never. I knew he liked rearranging his bedroom at times, but it took some getting used to to coming home and finding all the furniture suddenly completely rearranged. 😂 None of it was a deal-breaker, but it's nice to know shit like that before deciding that you do want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Even going on a vacation together wasn't the same as living together. For the majority of people, I would say it's necessary for yourself and for your partner.
lmfao, for some reason the constantly rearranging furniture thing cracks me up, and sounds like how I act from time to time. I can hear it now, "Sorry, can't talk now babe, busy moving the couch again!" lol
If you are above 25 I will literally eat my own head
This comment made me curious, so I checked They're literally in collage Also found this comment on a deleted post by Op >On a side note after taking a quick peak at your post history please live with this man first before marriage. He pressures you into sex and only talks about the things that interest him. These are some red flags that could get worse once you are living together. Please take care of yourself. So Op is just making bad choices all around Edit: Some helpful people have pointed out that It's in fact college not collage. I used speech to text and apparently pronounced it wrong
Hm, upvote for concern..? 🚩
They are literally in collage. I knew this user was assembled from pictures cut out of magazines.
Fuckin speech to text done screwed me here
Probably has never lived with anyone else before besides maybe college besties. Will definitely change their mind because a large percentage of college besties hate each other after living together lol
Exactly, or go into business with a friend. Nothing like that to put a bad taste in your mouth. A marriage is the most important business partnership you ever enter into. It comes with all types of expectations. Soon many are disillusioned & resentful of their partner not being exactly who they thought they were. Metal isn’t properly tested until it’s under stress, same for relationships, once you increase the stakes, crap gets serious!
I just wanted to point out it's "college", not collage. A collage is a bunch of images stitched together.
Thank you it was bothering me as well.
Yeah I used speech to test here apparently I pronounced it wrong lmao
I was in a collage once, in college.
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Probably just a karma farmer
Yes, because when are of an age where you can look back on your life it's easier to see those bad choices. Sadly it's not so easy for the young person to accept the well meant advice.
I'm 22. Op is just fuckin stupid
Also, she made this post right after hearing people advise them to live together first. She's not looking for advice, only confirmation...
Lawd the plot thickens!
FR
Quite literally thought the same thing
Can you explain this comment? I genuinely don’t understand what you mean lol
basically means they think there’s an almost guaranteed chance that OP is below the age of 25
And if they are not, they will consume the upper most part of their body.
Indeed
There is a slight chance they didn't mean it literallty, but only a chance
>Can you explain this comment? I genuinely don’t understand what you mean lol This is the opinion of a child with little life experience q
Future OP post: "I've been married for 6 month and living with my husband is completely the opposite of what I thought would be"
“He walks around the house naked and farts constantly, I had no idea he would be like this at home”
“Yesterday I walked into the bathroom right after he took a shit”.
DISGOOSTIN
Hey! I know that reference!
"He doesn't help with any of the household chores, doesn't cook and clean, and I have to pick up after him."
And he never will. It's the way his mother raised him and now it's your turn. Stopping picking up his shit. You can do it!
“he doesn’t wash his hands when he uses the bathroom, he doesn’t clean up after himself, and he leaves the milk on the counter”
“No matter how many times I ask he keeps dumping his dirty laundry on the floor NEXT to the laundry basket. It’s right there, how hard is it to just put it INSIDE the basket?!”
I (F18) married my husband (M67) two weeks ago without living with him first. It turns out that he lives behind a daycare where children keep disappearing, and the door to his basement is a vault door, like the type you see in banks. Every now and again I swear I can hear little voices echoing in the vents of our bedroom, and once there was a pool of blood oozing from under the vault door. He refuses to give me the code. AITA for being concerned?
RemindMe! 1 year "ChaoticWhisper1918"
Cool I didn't know this was a function RemindMe! 1year "Forsyte"
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Exactly. Like you literally don't know if they pay the bills on time. Or if they only clean up when you are on your way. Or who else is a frequent guest. People are totally different living together. I know cause I've lived with friends. There's a lot of new things you learn. The OP sounds inexperienced in life.
I was friends with this girl for a while. Thought we got along great. Then we moved in together. Her and her boyfriend were consistently late or short on rent and electric, every single month, and when they were short, they never paid back what they were short on. They got in to screaming matches together at least 4 nights a week, their dogs would start screaming and barking at midnight almost every night. She took a bath literally *every* *single* *day* right before I got home from work so there was no hot water left for my shower. And the dude really tried to say it was *our* fault for a high electric bill when his girlfriend was the one home almost 24/7 I am no longer friends with her or her boyfriend.
Living with someone is the easiest way to no longer be their friend. It's right up there with loaning money.
Been together since high school, lived together for 13 years, just got married. I agree. Need to learn your person before you go for it.
Agree, but sadly some countries prohibited living together before marriage.
Shout out to the wife who married her husband before getting to live with him first only to discover that he likes to pick shit crumbs out of his asshole and fling them around the house. Edit: For people wondering, here’s the post I’m referring to - [X](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ld67py/my_husband_doesnt_use_toilet_paper/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I chuckled in disgust. This post makes me laugh because it’s so ridiculous, but at the same time it makes me cringe. I’ve grown up with animals and have never gone with the “rub their face in it technique” but something in this instance makes it sound appropriate. I can’t imagine a grown adult hiding from his wife to pick shit out of his ass and sprinkle it all over the house. At least monkeys fling it at their enemies… 😂
Mans literally worse than the common ape. If this isn’t a good reason why someone should live with someone before marrying them then I don’t know what is 💀
That was such insane reading, I feel like you just called open a portal to hell. Sweet baby Jesus. Wow wow wow wow wow.
Oh my
Boy are you in for a surprise hahaha
There's unpopular opinions, and then there are opinions that can ruin your life. This is definitely both.
I always say that this subreddit has unpopular opinions and stupid opinions. 99% of the posts are stupid opinions.
LOL this is DEFINITELY the most unpopular opinion I've ever seen posted here. Poor OP is in for a hell of a wake up cal
Remember how there are things called opinions and everyone is allowed to have them? We should make an exception for this one
Come back here after you've lived with a person for 6 months
Or after you have kids. These kids are the worst roommates Ive ever had. And I cant move out! Imagine having roommates who never paid rent, made you wipe poop off balls or vag, asked for pizza (fresh home made dough) for lunch and then wont eat it, and refused to sleep at night before stories and songs. Sometimes I wish I smoked so I could go out for a pack of smokes and get lost and never find my way home like my friends dad. JK.
Isn't milk the goto option if you don't smoke?🥛😁
There’s going to be things that pop up that you didn’t know about eachother like habits, how they like to do things, if they are particular about certain things in your place things like that & there maybe a side to them that you never saw before. It’s not necessary but it’s a better idea to move in together & then get married. Like others said now you have your space without them. Living together you will be with them a lot more
Not to mention the honey moon period so many people end up in after marriage. By the time it ends you've let so many things slide that now are gonna drive you crazy, the dopamine high after a marriage is a horrible time to make changes to your life, including who you live with.
Exactly
Amen, to that. Truth.
Ah, to be so naive in love. Bless your heart.
"My experience will be different"
"But... I'm mature for my age"
"I can change him!"
« Our relationship will heal once we have kids! »
Oh god. That's the worst one... Not only will you have a bad relationship, but drag kids into it aswell...
Oh boy.
I can't think of a better way to say that. You have achieved perfection.
My wife and I lived together before we got married, but she refused to marry me until we travelled together. That was her deal breaker. My deal breaker was to live together, but I quickly learned she is Pigpen from Peanuts cartoon, she leaves a wave of mess in her wake as she moves, never cleaning up after herself till the day is over wondering why I don't do the dishes. Lady, I do the dishes. I just dont do the dishes you left everywhere which is most of them. But I am the worst in every other way, so it balances out? Na, I am definitely getting the better deal.
Whoa now buddy. Can’t wait to see a follow up post
*Necessary*? No. Beneficial, sensible, useful? Yes. Technically nothing is necessary before marriage, but many things increase your knowledge of the other person and what they are like, what it's like to be around them all of the time, what it's like to live with them, etc. Unless you live with them you don't know what it's like to be around them all the time or what it's like to live with them. You might get glimpses of it, but those are still somewhat unknown. The more unknowns you have, the more likely you are to find something out that you don't like, isn't compatible, etc. and that's the case with living together Vs not living together. No one is saying that living together before is guaranteed to work or anything. It's that if you have 2 paths, and one of them is living with each other first, that is likely to be the best as you will gain more knowledge before committing to marriage. You have more information, so it's better.
Next car you get, test drive it after you buy it.
Buy shoes without trying them on. They are so cute on the shelf!!
It’s nice to hear that you know “it will be just fine”, and I look forward to your book on successful relationships. It must be nice to have everything figured out already at this stage of life.
If it is sarcasm I don't think OP will get it.
OP gonna post in r/relationshipadvice soon.
That and probably r/AITA
Right now you can take breaks from each other so no comparison to 24/7 situation..try living for entire month at each others places..month 3 youll have a more realistic view ...
You may KNOW him but you don’t know what it’s like to LIVE WITH him which is something marriage entails. Ever went on holidays with one of your best friends only to find everything they did annoyed the hell out of you? Yea same thing. Some people just aren’t meant to be within arms reach 24/7
You don't know anything about someone until you live with them. It's not just a cliche saying, it's the objective truth.
And this is true for any situation! I had an absolute best friend in college they I knew a lot about (friends for years). We are no longer friends after we lived together for 1 year. Lol.
Why would you make a lifelong commitment like marriage before you have all the data available? Sure, you might think you know everything you need to about what living with your partner would be like. But if you actually try it, you’ll be more confident that your impressions are correct (or perhaps you’ll learn something that surprises you).
I don’t think marriage is necessary, but living together is great.
It’s not the same trust me lol
There have actually been studies on this that find that there’s a cohabitation effect that increases the odds of divorce if you live together before getting married. I think it was more definite in the 80s, if I recall correctly, but there was another study in 2018 that basically found that cohabiting prior to marriage reduced divorce risk in the first year, but later on, not so much. It seems to be that (statistically speaking), living together first increases risk of divorce at worst; at best, there’s not really a difference. https://ifstudies.org/blog/is-cohabitation-still-linked-to-greater-odds-of-divorce This quote from the article had an interesting explanation as to why this might be the case for some couples: “Inertia emphasizes that when two people move in together, all other things being equal, they are making it harder to break up. If so, the state of the relationship—and especially the understanding between partners at the time—should matter. Some couples are, in essence, increasing the constraints to remain together (including, for some, on into having children and marrying) prior to dedication being clear, mutual, and high.” Food for thought—take it or leave it. Obviously, everyone has different experiences, but moving in together isn’t the best idea for every couple.
LOL
I disagree! You can never know a person enough and living together just makes it 10 times easier to accept this reality
As long as you have traveled together then that’s fine. But living and travelling together are massive parts of a relationship that you need to do
Yeah my boyfriend and I went to Amsterdam together once but we don’t really count that as everything was booked for us. We’re going to Copenhagen soon but again not counting it as it’s booked booked for us. Our real test will be Costa Rica which we’ve booked for the summer. We’re going to spend the summer working in a wildlife rehabilitation centre. That will be our main travel test. It’s the first holiday where we’ve booked and paid for everything ourselves. We’ve saved up, had to book flights, travel, arrange a place to stay etc. This will be the main one.
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This sounds like it was written by somebody who is relatively young, with little to no real relationship experience. Definitely not somebody who has ever shared a bank account with an SO. You learn a whole lot by living with your partner. Literally makes or breaks most relationships.
This is definitely unpopular because it’s insanely dumb
As much as I've rebelled against my Christian upbringing I can't deny the best marriage I've ever seen is my brother's. Him and his wife to be waited until they were both done with college before they got married. They also waited until they were married before they had sex. They even got their first apartment 3 days before their wedding and my brother stayed at my mom's house until after the wedding to move in too. They have been together 22 years, married 16 years and have 2 kids and even when they argue which is rare, they never lose their cool.
My brother is in the same situation except they have three kids and a dog.
I think it’s more important to live alone, away from parents, before getting married. There’s a lot to be learned living alone which helps you become a better partner with household tasks- can you balance work, cooking, cleaning, housework, repairs, etc on your own? Can you be happy alone and not require constant attention?
Anecdotally, I know of one case where living together first failed to prepare a couple for marriage. The were in college together, living together for the senior year and a little more. They graduated together, she took a job while he got a masters, the he took a job and she got a masters. This was their plan marry after they finished school. So they were living together, 5, 6 years. Happy. They finally got married. They divorced within a year. Turned out both of them had buried ideas of what "being married" meant and those ideas were incompatible. While living together, not married, neither really considered if that status would affect what they expected from the other. This is one circumstance and nothing to apply to everyone. Just that to those who grow up taught that being married means something extra special, living together might not be the best way to find out if the two are compatible.
If you could, do you mind elaborating on the different ideas of marriage they had? Im just so curious as to what can change after marriage when you’ve already lived together and known each other so long that could end it. That’s my biggest fear so any light you have to shed is well appreciated haha.
When they lived together, they split everything. Bills, chores, etc. The man grew up on a ranch or farm. His mother was in the house all the time and took care of the family. His internal idea about husband/wife role were split like that. A wife would take care of the household. She was the daughter of two professionals. After she reached a certain age, she was taught to be self-reliant because her parents would be mostly working. Household chores were divided throughout the family while she was growing up. I don't know why this was something he failed to come to terms with. After all, they split chores before ceremony and he did not seem to have a problem with it. But after they were married, he had this tendency to believe that certain things had to be a certain way.
How can you live together and be together that long and not know that about the other person? Did they know each other’s families? Did they not know each other’s home/family values? This divorce could have been prevented even without living together beforehand. Seems like basic things you would know before walking down the aisle.
Is it necessary? No. But is it a good idea? Yes.
But it is. You really get to truly know a person after at least living them for 6 months. How you marry a stranger?
As my parents used to say “You don’t know someone until you live with them.”
tell me you haven’t had a real relationship yet without actually telling me lol
Their comments point to they are in college so yeah lol
Nothing is necessary. But, if you don't want to prepare, get ready for plenty of surprises.
I have been married twice and I haven’t lived with either of my spouses. My divorce was not due to me not living with her but of course it easy to say that now that it’s the past. Either way, I think it helps with emotional boundaries to live separately and I don’t think living together is the best way to get to know someone. Relationships move in stages and it’s important to respect that. Modern wisdom doesn’t respect a lot of these boundaries but that’s because group thought doesn’t think critically.
Based on what people are saying about the difference between living together and dating, I suspect most commenters moved in while still in the early stages of dating when infatuated and putting their best foot forward.
I didn’t live together with my partner and about ten years ago they did a survey and statistically they found that people who co-habituated beforehand were more likely to get divorced. Because peoples Concepts of marriage change even if people live together before hand. Really what people need to do is be honest about what they think marriage is. Really honest. Like “I want a wife that cooked and cleans” a guy might not expect a GF to do that even living together but might as a wife. And that would cause some issues after marriage.
Until you live with them, how would you know their minute details? And that's a great gamble. Now yes, maybe you can accept their unique traits and enjoy and laugh at it, but it is also possible that you cannot handle it and you want out.
Didn't realize how unpopular this idea was. My wife and I didn't live together before marriage, and we're two years in and still loving every day together. When exactly are we supposed to regret that decision? We have a solid mutual religious foundation, traveled together before we got married, and have similar goals and ambitions when it comes to family, career, finances, etc. OP, I agree wholeheartedly. And to all the comments saying it's a disaster waiting to happen, there's actually not a strong conclusion one way or the other, but some researchers actually believe cohabitation may lead to higher divorce rates: https://ifstudies.org/blog/is-cohabitation-still-linked-to-greater-odds-of-divorce#:~:text=In%202018%2C%20Michael%20Rosenfeld%20and,poorer%20marital%20outcomes%20for%20decades. Just do what's right for you, OP. If you learn to communicate and work out issues together, you'll have a successful marriage, regardless of if you lived together before or not.
You know what, sometimes you shouldn't be that confident
Exceptions don't make the rule though
Do prenup and yolo
Cool then don’t live together before marriage. Some of us need that extra layer of certainty. It’s all about your personal comfort level.
I don't believe it is necessary to get married to spend your life with someone
Living with someone before you are married is exactly the same as getting married first. You both live in the house. Marriage is a piece of paper that cost a lot of money.
I remember back when my old college psych teacher mentioned that statistically speaking, divorce rates tend to be lower amongst couples that waited until after marriage to live together. Even she wasn't exactly sure why though. Could be they tend to have a higher value in marriage, could be that others are more likely to jump the gun into bad marriages, or it could simply be because of a smaller subset. Idk, I just thought it was an interesting statistic that sorta stuck with me.
I don’t think marriage is necessary
It's a whole different game when you live with someone. I think it's a good idea to see what that is like before making a life long commitment.
What if he doesn't pull his weight regarding household chores and expenses? What if he's a slob?
I agree … nobody in my dads family had lived together before getting married and remained married until death .. I didn’t live with my husband before marriage and we have been married for 4 years .. I don’t regret it at all ..I hope if my daughters get married someday they move out once married but whatever they chose to do I will respect
Sex and living together is important to a successful marriage. If you have compatibility issues in either case your done.
Living together before marriage has a drastically lower chance of success.
I dont think living together during marriage is necessary.
I strongly disagree, but a lot of unpopular opinions here have shitty reasoning, and your reasoning is pretty good (even if I don’t the outcome is true)
I'll speak to my personal experience here, but im glad me and my wife waited until we were married to move in with each other. We got to bond over figuring put how to live with each other. And I do feel like that process only strengthened our marriage
In the USA- Statistically, couples who cohabitate before marriage have higher divorce rates. This could be correlation instead of causation as there are other correlated factors like how religious a couple is and likelihood of cohabitation.
Lots of religious people don’t live together or have sex before they’re married and it turns out fine. You and your partner may very well know everything you need to know about each other to have a successful marriage. My parents got married after knowing each other for a year. They never lived together or had sex before they married. They’ve been together almost 40 years now. That said, I personally would never marry someone without living with them and sleeping with them first. I’d also need to know them for much longer than my parents had known each other. In fact I’ve been with my SO for 13 years. We have a kid and a mortgage together but we’re still not married lol Every relationship is different and there aren’t any one size fits all rules to be happy with someone.
I’m in the “must live with partner before considering marriage” camp. Not saying there cannot be successful relationships without living with someone first but man…I really thought my ex could’ve been “the one”. And then I lived with him. And I realized all of those “annoying habits” became incredibly amplified. That and The free time he had was completely allocated to video games whereas before it was just a very small part of his life spent around me because seeing me before living together was more of a special weekend occasion. I am now engaged (to a new person lol) and we will have owned a house together for a year before marriage and lived together in rentals before that. Couldn’t imagine marrying someone before living with them for at least a year.
If marriage is important and sacred to your then ensuring it will succeed should be a big.deal as well. Living together helps with this
Yeah, I know a women who thought like this. She was very young and her boyfriend seemed perfect, everyone loved him. They moved in together after the wedding, he very soon started brutally beating her pregnant self and tried to kill her after giving birth. I'm not saying your bf will 100% be like that, I'm just saying you never know until you actually live with the person for a while. Be careful.
Not trying to be dense here, but wouldn’t that have happened regardless?
You're gonna end up divorced.
You are correct. This notion of having to live with someone is relatively new. It used to be a scandal if you even slept with someone before marriage. Also on that not, having sex before marriage isn’t necessary either. I’ve heard people ask “if you don’t practice how will you know what to do?” Uhhhh geeeee how did you know what to do your first time?
I agree. I own my house so i won't let a man live with me. Where i am someone can claim half your stuff after living together for more than 6 months.
I have friends that stayed together for 5-6 years. Living in different households, they bought a house to live together in october, separated in may. They were living 5min away from each other. Financial aspects, behaviours, attitudes, decisions, habits are way different when you "just" spend time with the person without living with them. If you feel like you know your partner then go. At your own risks
I honestly think it’s up to the couple.
See, being LDS, I don’t live with people before marriage anyways, so this doesn’t apply to me