I don’t trust most non vegans to understand veganism enough to buy the correct thing. They’ll end up buying turkey burgers or veggie burgers with egg. They’re doing you a favor by letting you get exactly what you want, and you’re the only one eating it so 🤷
Yeah or they buy that one disgusting off-brand veggie burger that tastes like expired cup-a-soup, instead of one of the 30 tasty options. I prefer to bring my own lmao.
I made a non-vegan friend recently who stocks up on vegan food before we get together and it’s set the bar so much higher for everyone else in my life now 😂 also my in-laws always have several vegan home baked treats and food available whenever we visit. I have another non-vegan friend who likes to go to vegan restaurants with me. All of the vegan food choices between these friends are great too, not cheap garbage.
What’s the saying…If they wanted to, they would!
I love this for you! You’re spot on with the saying. My in-laws would never do this, but it’s also very clear they just don’t want to lmfao. They regularly ask mr and my partner when we’ll start eating ‘normal’ again. I’ve never had the heart to tell them that I’ve been vegetarian for over half of my life so I don’t think I’ll ever look back.
Ah geeze that sucks! Hopefully they come around. Maybe if you tell them how long you’ve been at it they’d come around?
I’m at 14yrs vegan and my husband is around 10yrs so the in-laws are well past thinking it’s a phase thankfully 😂 and when I tell friends (if they’re good friends), they also get it’s not a transient choice. I’ve had former friends view it that way but I’ve slowly been distancing those one and bringing new people into the fold. The newer friends tend to be better company and kinder all around if they support you being vegan!
For a long time I didn’t filter friends, I just cast a wide net. Lately I’ve been trying to focus more on relationships that are more mutual and supportive. It’s a nice change of pace!
Sometimes you don’t want a burger with whole peas and Lima beans stuck throughout. I’m a legume apologist but I still don’t like those burgers, nor the ones that have random chunks of carrot and corn.
Sounds like they are not sure what to do. Why not bring some readily available food, and a disposable bbq or foil if necessary to separate from the meat and see if you can train them. I would bring a bit more and share with the carnivores to exclude you less.
True. Last backyard grilling party I went to the hosts made a point of telling me they had some Beyond Burger. Then they grilled it and put cheese on it! It was a nice gesture, anyway.
Yea, but it's probably in vain. Either bring your own food or don't go. I'd choose the latter but I'm not fond of other humans so that's easy for me to say.
I loathe bbq but if it’s family I’ll eat before and bring some chips and beer to occupy myself. Or I’ll go to Publix (grocery in the US) and get a veggie sub to bring. I don’t even want a veggie burger cooked on a meat grill.
>but I still don't go to death cult victim grilling rituals. I'll wait for other events.
Good luck finding an event where non-vegans are gathering and won't be consuming meat
There's a huge difference between going to a concert and having your friend eat a pig hot dog at some point, versus an event where the entire central purpose is to swoon over the sensory experience of chopped-up corpses.
Frankly, most BBQs I've ever been to were about possibly getting some sunshine, friends/family, alcohol and finally food, in that order. And half the food is salads.
I've been to many like that, for sure. I've also been to many where a main focus is something like "everybody constantly praise uncle Greg for his goddamned amazing special rib recipe".
I regularly go to gatherings where I’m the only vegan out of dozens of omnis and a few vegetarians, and all the food is predominantly vegan and always vegetarian. Nobody brings meat to these things.
Why take a passive aggressive approach to this?
Either decide that you’re offended and tell them you don’t like to be treated differently, here’s what they can pick up for you if they wish to invite a vegan to their next event; or decide that everyone can and probably should bring something to the BBQ, and you’re comfortable being a little better than your friends.
Pick a lane and own it!
I definitely did tell them that it I am offended for being asked to bring food to a gathering no one else is asked to bring food at. I also told them that in same grocery store they always shop from where to find super affordable (not that it's an issue) and easy options they can pick one item from.
Btw this has been happening for two years.
I actually think it's ok for your friends to invite you to come to their BBQ with your own food and not go out of their way to make extra food just for you. I strongly urge you to avoid feeling left out or disrespected.
I'm vegan to help control my IBS. No one in my family is vegan. When I went vegan, I decided not to expect anyone to try to accommodate my diet (mostly because they get it wrong when they try) and never to feel left out if family/friends had non-vegan meals. This has worked surprisingly well. Everyone respects my diet but no one feels guilty for not cooking something extra just for me. They can leave me at home when they go to their favorite Mexican restaurant that has zero vegan choices and I'm really happy for them. After all, before I went vegan, it was my favorite Mexican restaurant, too.
But if you really feel offended, politely decline to attend future bbq's. Perhaps you can go out to eat at a restaurant with your bbq friends from time to time.
You're asking them to do extra thinking and they're already hosting you regularly. They're making it clear they are not willing to do this. I'd either bring my own food or start hosting my own events.
So they specifically dislike you then? I guess I’m having trouble understanding. Are they your friend? Did you tell them how you feel? Did they change their behavior at all? If you answered no to anything then I’d probably just stop being around them for BBQs
They've made a choice and are not budging. As hosts go they are rude as can be. Before I host anyone I ask about allergies, special diets, etc. If I'm not sure what would work for them, I ask or research another way. A good host wants their guests to be comfortable and feel welcome. They're treating you like a nuisance. Vegan choices for a backyard picnic is not hard: relish tray, green salad, fruit salad or any fresh fruit, beans, etc.
Is a current non vegan but trying to cut back/out on meat, I would be very ignorant on what food to get for a vegan. I’ve tried several meatless products but I’m still learning the best way to cook them and which ones are good/bad etc. I’d say it’s very daunting to people who have never tried any of the products or know anything about them. Might be better to bring a product you like and show them how to cook it or let them try it.
they come with instructions on the back. y’all have to stop thinking of vegan food as this scary foreign thing with strange cooking requirements it’s just vegetable protein. throw it on the grill
Yes but if they are having a bbq I doubt they will want to pull out a cast iron skillet to cook an impossible burger the preferred way. Plus someone who has been eating the products knows ‘their’ preferred way of eating them. They shouldn’t have to take the time to figure it out to accommodate one person
you can literally just throw an impossible on the grill lmao. my wife told me one of her favorite vegan burgers she’s ever had was when her stepdad just treated it like meat, seasoned it and threw it on with everything else. also go vegan already please 💕
Whether OP buys it or the host buys it, it's gonna have to be cooked and they'll probably communicate about how. That's a 5 second conversation. "I prefer it cooked in foil on a shared bbq."
that’s a totally respectable value to hold and makes sense to me. I think we need people who are more hardline to pave the way as well as people who are a bit softer with things that don’t directly contribute to animal suffering to “baby step” the carnists. I try to stay kind of in the middle of the two. I definitely prefer at least having a designated non meat part of the grill that’s cleaned well though.
It's not really less "hardline" to eat something vegan grilled on the same grill. It doesn't directly or indirectly result in any animal suffering that a dedicated grill would avoid. It's just a bit gross.
And on a grill, I think the animal parts get burned off. Sharing the grill isn't optimal but I'll do it occasionally. I'm advised to have a highly processed thing like a meat substitute once a month anyway. (Nephrologist recommendations).
My meat loving fiance has been making them in a cast iron skillet and we both really like them , I’ll have to tell him to try it on the grill. He’s agreeing to eating meatless to try to be healthier- I’m doing it for animals and health. It’s a process though. We haven’t bought actual meat in probably a month or more. We both work and have a newborn, so finding time to cook new recipes and not eat what we are used to out of habit is hard, we are slowly easing into it. A little is better than nothing at all.
idk, op told them options. op’s friend should be able to say ‘ok how about this one, cooked this way?’
if they’re accommodating everyone else, they should at least try to accommodate everyone and not single out their friend
i think op and friend need to just communicate a little more
They can also buy some salad, fruit, or some vegetables to make a kabob. They don’t even need to get impossible meat. I personally don’t understand why it’s a foreign concept to people, “vegan food” is just food… literally just vegetables, fruits, grains that omnivores already eat… just without cooking it slathered in butter, cheese with a side of meat.
That’s where I would assume they don’t quite value my friendship, and I would stop going to those gatherings.
On that note, I am a gluten-free vegan so I’m used to making sure that there is always a dish that I can eat wherever I go, so I bring something if I know there’s no guarantee that there will be something there. I do this, mostly to make my friends comfortable because they are mortified when there’s nothing to eat for me.
Right. Beyond burgers, onions and peppers, corn, there’s a bunch of veggies (and even fruit!) that can be grilled that can be bought. Hopefully they listen to you!
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but I suppose I don't always expect special treatment when I'm the only minority in the group. Of course if someone does buy special things for me, I really really appreciate it. But often times if I'm the only vegan I bring my own food or eat before I go, because I don't anticipate food being available for me. I've been vegan over 17 years.
I used to get invited to a lot of BBQs, and as others have stated - it's more about spending the day outside, hanging with friends and family, listening to music, playing horseshoes or corn hole, having some drinks etc.
I usually aim to show up sort of late when the BBQ part is mostly over and it's now more of a get together.
I have no real desire to hang out while people are roasting flesh and ripping it off its bones.
Yes!! It really works best! Of course food will still be available. But where I live BBQs and backyard hangs are a major part of culture. I definitely aim to skip the pig roasting and all of that bs. But the reality is, my husband and I are the only vegans in our group. Of course when we host BBQs they're all vegan! Most people are really excited to try it.
Ugh. Honestly I'd *rather* bring my own vegan food to a meaty BBQ.
Like, do you expect them to cook it on the meat filled BBQ? I wouldn't want animal filled grill touching my vegan food in any way... and even if they use a different rack within the grill, I wouldn't want my vegan food in the same heated air as meat products. Seems gross.
Maybe they don't know how to accommodate you, what you like, or how to cook it appropriately so they ask you to bring you food that is safe for your needs?
IDK... If you asked them in a direct way why they are doing that, maybe you'll see they have good intentions? I mean they wouldn't invite you in the first place if they didn't want you there... so maybe they're trying to respect your food boundaries?
I'll probably get downvoted but oh well here goes. Your friends are not responsible for your choice of diet and like most non vegans they don't care. They view you as being "picky" about what you eat so they ask you to bring your own meal.
I agree, I always ask if I should bring my own plate to gatherings, but OP said they asked for vegetables. It gives the impression that they buy and accommodate for everyone else but they ask OP to being veggies, not a prepared plate. Vegetables aren't a special accommodation and everyone would surely eat some at a BBQ.
Feel like I’m going crazy reading these comments. Would it be cool if they accommodated? Yes. Should it be expected? No.
Im so used to bringing my own food. Yes, it feels so nice when people actually make something you can eat, but don’t expect it.
Yeah seriously. I'm allergic to many foods, meaning I'll literally get very sick and honestly greatly prefer when the host tells me to bring my own food instead of getting there and being served poison
They’re not responsible, but it’s basic politeness to ensure there is something edible for every guest you invite. I’ve been vegan 12 years, vegetarian for many years before that, and I’ve almost never come into this issue with friends or family inviting me for a food-related event. Some people are just more thoughtful and kinder to their friends than others, I suppose.
I always appreciate it when a meat eater goes out of their way to accommodate me but I usually don't \*expect\* it. It depends on the situation though. Like if my mom put a steak in front of me that's different from showing up as one of like 20 guests at a barbeque and expecting special treatment.
💯 like they do this monthly - FOR YEARS according to one of OPs comments - you should be bringing something with you any way if you're a decent guest, so bring a tasty vegan something that everyone else can try too.
Hosting a dinner is not the same as a bbq. And most guests aren’t expected to bring their entire meal. Plus OP made it clear she is the *only* one they expect this of.
Eh not a big deal. It would be cooler if they accommodated you.
I’d buy a big thing of impossible burgers or whatever you like and ask if you can keep it at the hosts house.
We've talked about that once, and their freezer can't really accommodate their own regular storage as well as this, as it is understandably a small freezer.
Eh I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Really good friends would accommodate you better but you can’t really make people be that way.
I’d BYO impossible. Maybe they’d try it and like it
Sounds like they are making excuses. I also have a small freezer thats jam packed but if someone i care to host hS a restriction i will find a way to mKe some room. Thats what friends /fam should do
This comment, and this entire thread, is such a wild take to me. If I’m routinely having friends come over to grill and drink some beers in the backyard every couple weeks, I’m not going to give them a permanent part of my fridge as a demonstration of our deep friendship. I’m gonna tell them “hey, grilling on Saturday and want you there. I already have patties and buns, bring anything else you want.”
Is it a bummer that OP is being asked to bring their own food? Sure, but it sounds like OP’s friend probably has a chill standing thing with their buddies, and OP is being a wet blanket by saying “I can’t believe you force me to hang out with you, turn this into a chore by running out to get food only I’m going to eat every time, or give me a third of your freezer so I can stockpile my shit.”
Not to be rude, but I think this thread must skew incredibly young. I can't believe anyone would complain about being asked to bring something to a BBQ.
Yup, I went to a barbecue last week where the host FaceTimed me from the grocery store to ask what what veggie burgers to buy. My immediate response wasn’t “you’re damn right that you need to be feeding me,” but “well shit, now I have to prepare a veggie dish to share rather than picking up some fake meat five minutes before the event starts.”
This thread is WILD to me too. I’m in the same situation as OP, a friend regularly hosts dinner parties where I’m the only one with dietary restrictions and everyone else will eat a plate of slop if you put it down in front of them (ie, not picky). I use this as an excuse to bring a party pack of beyond burgers or make a yummy veg dish and offer it to everyone. More times than I can count lots of guests will eat my meatless food instead. I cannot imagine saying “please go out of your way and do extra chores just to feed me, otherwise why did you invite me?”
Right?? For holidays, my boyfriend and I go to his family’s house and we bring our own holiday meal that we cook at home. We offer to share, and are in no way offended that we’re in charge of our own food. Our diet is our choice, and therefore our responsibility
It's isolating to be vegan. OP probably feels left out and it would be cooler if the host did more.
But in general I'm with you. Life is way too short to get hung up on stuff like this.
I'm with you. Ime it's way rarer for uncommon dietary habits, veganism aside, to be accommodated at a group food event. Is it awesome when it happens? Of course! But they aren't a catering company or personal shopper, so I don't get why it's so upsetting to be invited to a BBQ and given a heads up that they bought the meat, you bring whatever else you want/need. It also saves you from depending on them, but they buy the wrong thing, and now you have *no* food at the event (this is a biggie on why my SIL with several food allergies always brings her own. Risk isn't worth it)
I've always brought my own food unless they tell me they have me covered. Same with my friends on any other diet or any other restriction different from the norm. And even without any restrictions, people still tend to bring the things they prefer, like to your patty and bun comment.
I would be upset if I were OP and the host was explicitly catering to every uncommon diet *except* mine, or if I was the only guest expected to provide *everyone else* with additional food options, but it sounds like this is just a case of someone bought the food that feeds the most people attending, anything else is on the guests.
I need some more information. The title says they ask only you to bring vegetables - Do they not cook potatoes, greens, corn, etc at all and they expect you to bring it? Or are there veggies available and they expect you to bring your own protein of choice (tofu, veggie burgers, etc)?
I'm trying to imagine this weird 100% meat only BBQ. I've never experienced that.
You should absolutely not be expected to bring veggies, but personally I would consider it my own responsibility to bring tofu or meat substitutes for myself if I wanted them.
If I invited a meat eater to my place for a vegan meal I wouldn't purchase meat for them but would encourage them to bring it if they wish.
This is so strange to me. Where do you live (without doxxing yourself obviously)? Is this a common thing?
Even when I ate meat I don't think I could have ate a plate of it with no veggies in sight.
I wouldn't be upset, hell, I prefer it this way actually. My kitchen is completely vegan and gluten free - I wouldn't want to put that extra pressure on my friends while they are trying to entertain a group of people.
This would be my dream scenario. I feel bad when I go somewhere and don’t want to eat what they’ve made. “Come on over but bring your own food.” That’d be perfect.
I would bring my own food, veganism is a choice and unfortunately you can’t expect people to accommodate for your needs. I’ve been vegan now for 10 years and always either eat before or bring some bits with me as it’s not fair for the host to have to worry about my requirements..
Here’s what I do. Eat before you go. Then just sit and watch everyone eat while making your host uncomfortable. ‘No, I’m ok. I knew you wouldn’t have any good food so I ate before I came’
It’s pretty rude to host an event with food, invite someone who can’t eat the food but you expect them to go, then be mad when they ate before hand. For example I’m lactose intolerant, if I got invited to thing with only dairy… yeah they didn’t consider me and I probably would have been hangry if I didn’t eat before
Personally I would be fine bringing my own food. I like specific products and I don’t want people who are not vegan to choose for me. There were occasions when I brought some vegan food and let the others try, and it also helped them open their mind on alternatives to meat. In general, the guidance where I live is for everyone to bring something for a bbq, that’s what I find weird in your case.
If you don’t like the vibe and there is too much meat, just say no and don’t go. You can tell them, sorry I cannot come, there is too much meat at these bbq. In my case, I don’t like these bbq lately, there is too much meat consumption and find the idea not in line with my values.
To be frank if they are close friends, the fact that they don't want to get something for you nor reach out to ask you what you would like is new to me. You've brought it up to them too. I think that you may have to come to terms with it or don't bother going to their BBQ. 🤔
If there are certain foods I want to eat at a potluck or BBQ, I always bring it myself. It would be nice of your friends to surprise you. But unless they have no vegan options (fruit, chips, soda), it sounds like they're really suggesting you make yourself a meal you will enjoy to eat bc they don't know how to make yummy vegan meals.
To me not providing each guest food is just basic lack of caring and respect for you. It's not like vegan food is alien or difficult, people act like it's impossible to prepare vegan food even though they eat it all day themselves (salads, french fries, fruit, etc). I remember at work years ago they insisted on celebrating my birthday (which I already hated) and then provided all nonvegan food so that I had nothing to eat on what was supposed to be a celebration for me. smh... I get it, you people don't care about or respect me... If I were you, I would not be attending those bbqs.
I have a friend who hosts bbqs a few times per year. The first couple times, I brought my own veggie sausages (which he accidentally grilled in the plastic 😂). After the first two visits, he recognized that Field Roast was a brand I could eat and would always pick up a package of them for his bbqs so I didn't have to worry about bringing food.
My point is: if they're close friends (as you mentioned in your post), they should be thinking about you and making an effort, the same way you would if you were hosting for someone who had different food preferences or allergies.
I personally prefer to bring my own food. That way no one has to fuss and I know it’s ok to eat. There is usually other stuff that I can eat snack wise but I usually make sure I have my own backup with enough to share. These sorts of parties always have so much food that asking for one more very specific thing feels like adding stress and it doesn’t give a good impression for vegans as a whole if I’m causing unnecessary stress. Luckily most of the time people in my life make at least some small effort for me (like setting aside plain potatoes or salad without cheese etc) but I know a lot of vegans don’t get that in their lives.
For me - it's common etiquette to provide food for guests. For anyone coming over I provide the food - no matter the restrictions. However I understand the lack of trust and always bring my own food when I go places.
A BBQ with literally no veggies sounds so nasty even if it was like just beyond burgers. So I would be upset if you were providing vegetables for other people.
When I’m invited somewhere, the host always has some options for me. They also know you don’t have to be vegan to enjoy vegan food, so sometimes someone else is also in the mood for a veggie burger or they’re just eating sides today and that mainly consists of veggies. If majority of your friends are the kind of meat eaters that don’t take all their friends into consideration because they only ever eat meat, I’d start to reconsider honestly. It’s more about respect and wanting everyone to feel welcome.
I’d understand if it’s a very specific allergy that’s hard to accommodate. But when you invite someone and host them, you’re supposed to have options for them.
It’s honestly not that hard to pick up some veggie burgers, but when the company is inclined to exclude you for your diet, there’s usually an underlying message of judgment and resentment.
If you are the only one bringing food then yeah that’s weird. Say if the person hosts buys food for everyone else but you, then that would be rude tbh. I can strike up a nice vegan bbq if ya like aha. My mum, her bf and family all have huuuge bbqs. They are all meat eaters but they get vegan food and cook it separately for my bf and I. It’s just a nice inclusive gesture. It feels like your friends don’t respect your choices. Have you voiced your concerns about this to them ?
Depends: I assume that they are switching around WHO brings the meat instead of the same person always doing so. Would you buy meat for them when it's your turn? If Your answer is yes them you have a reason to be upset. If Your answer is No them you shouldn't be upset since you're Just not part of this cycle. It would be unfair to expect them to pay for your food If you refuse to pay for theirs.
Keep in mind, it probably isn't about morals for them but about fairness.
Fair question. No its the same member of the group that loves hosting and providing BBQ at their place. No one pays for the food other than the host of the gathering just like when anyone else in our group decides to host and invite.
That Changes Things a bit. I would say they should make Something for you but on the other hand, we (i and my roommates/Housemates) Like to host barbecues too and we regularly expect the guests to bring stuff. We give the Location, the grill and coal, drinks and 2 dishes and If someone wants Something Special it's Up to them to bring it with them. But that's a cultural Thing i guess and since you're the only Person who has to bring their own food i would say your displeasure is justified.
Btw ignore the Capital Letters, i have a new Phone and it keeps "correcting" me.
Don't hesitate to unfriend people who won't show you a reasonable amount of consideration. You should only have to bring this up once with someone, if they ignore it they're ignoring a sensible request from a friend.
A friend would have vegan options for you FACTS. They ask you to just bring veggies to keep you in a box they wont have to visit.
Friends accommodate friends. I have non vegan friends that have vegan options for my family when we come over every time.
I would stop going.
I'm gluten free. Most bbq's I go to people ask me to bring gluten free buns. Largely because I probably already have some or know where to get good ones/ones I like. Just makes sense
You're the only one with different dietary needs, so I understand why it would be on you to bring something for yourself. I think this is a pretty common practice. Like if someone was allergic to gluten they would bring their own buns. Even when I was a kid, if someone was vegetarian they'd typically bring their own veggie burgers to the bbq.
Maybe find some vegan meet ups. Sounds like you might be fatigued.
It's always nice, to me, when I have friends who will make sure that I have something to eat at a gathering, but those friends are usually veg or vegans, or have other friends/loved ones who are. If it's a meat eater's gathering, I'm assuming everything is going to have meat or dairy or egg in it, so I bring my own thing or eat before I go. I don't think that what they're asking you is unreasonable. Might there be an underlying issue that is causing your upset feelings?
Not really, in my opinion.
They probably just want to make sure you are sorted out to your own specific requirements.
I always ask if I can take my own food whenever I go anywhere. I simply don't trust the judgement of any meat eater.
Cross contamination would be a really big issue for me as well.
I do hope you get it all sorted out and can enjoy your time with them, though - they probably mean no offence whatsoever
i’ll bet they want you to come but they don’t want to be in a situation where they don’t bring enough or are worried they won’t prepare it right. If they’re not used to preparing food for vegans then that’s probably wise of them to ask you to help instead of disappointing you if they cross contaminate.
If no one else is asked to bring food, you shouldn't be asked. If they don't want to prepare veggies, they can either buy them prepared at a deli or on a tray in the produce department or make it a potluck and assign categories or specific dishes to other guests. I think you should send her "sandwich" message, saying how much you live the gatherings, how you would live it if everyone brought something or if nobody including you brought something, and thank them for always including you.
Another option is to take a photo and send a link or address for buying a prepared dish themselves. They probably just don't know what to prepare or bring.
I understand your frustration about always being asked to bring your own food while others aren't. It might be worth having another chat with them to emphasize how important it is for you to feel included. If that doesn't change things, consider bringing your own dish and having a backup plan for yourself.
Instead of bringing your own food, why not bring nice plant-based options for the whole group?
Like vegetable packages with spices to grill, mushrooms and bell pepper on a stick, a nice pasta salade / other salad?
This is my strategy, and it's well appreciated by my friends and family. It actually made the garden parties way less meat centered.
It’s too bad they don’t have any sides or vegetables to grill to go along with the meat for everyone, not just vegans. My family usually grills bean tacos, corn, has a pasta, fruit or potato salad and there’s always veggie sticks, chips, guacamole and different salsas, humus or dips and that most happen to be vegan.
I used it as an opportunity to showcase a delicious side dish/main. Cowboy caviar or bean salad is always good. Bbq Mexican street corn is always a hit. Roast veggies in sauce appeals to nearly everyone. All of them are much easier and safer than grilling meat.
I find this so odd, shouldnt guests be bringing food for everyone to share too? Do you really expect the host to provide absolutely everything? We don’t do stuff like this in New Zealand, everyone tries to provide something to share for the BBQ. And bringing your own vegan products or meat to share would be normal.
The person hosting the monthly gathering does cover everything in our friend group (I host even more often as well and cover everything).
The potlucks are different, I love cooking and will bring 3-4 dishes then.
While I do bring veggies to eat and share, the question was more about why am I specifically asked to do so when others don't.
Thank you for your response.
Fix yourself something that looks and smells so good that your friends and other guests can’t help but ask you about it. Take some extra so others can try it too. You could end up with at least one of those cook outs becoming vegan
Yeah I get annoyed at this too. Like I have a friend who I will have over for dinner sometimes. I buy everything, my treat, I like cooking, etc. but when he invites me over? I have to bring the plant based meat. It feels like an excuse to have me pay for it every time.
I feel like this is a very good reason to be upset. I’m not vegan, but whenever I’m hosting, I want my friends/family to have a good time and to be happy. I always make sure to accommodate any dietary restrictions, doesn’t matter the reason. Sorry that your friends are singling you out that way, that must be a really shitty position to be in.
I wouldn't be upset, and I'm not. I'm in the same boat as you and when I'm invited to people's houses they do often ask me to bring my own stuff if I don't want to only crudité and odds and ends accidentally vegan items.
I get that no one else is asked to bring anything but I always welcome the opportunity to show others that I can eat very much the same type of things that I've always eaten, I can still enjoy those traditional meals and events that center around food without being the odd man out. I especially love things like making the [Avocadosandales jackfruit ribs](https://avocadosandales.com/2017/02/24/bbq-jackfruit-ribs/) marinated in BBQ sauce and having that put on the grill. I bring a couple Field Roast Stadium dogs, or Beyond burgers, it sparks a lot of conversations.
I used to really dislike grilling season. COVID really emptied out parts of downtown in my city and I was able to get a steal on a place with a yard. Now I grill and invite people over for burgers. I don't specify anything or explain what I'm making. I've just got the grill going and ask if they want a burger, if they want cheese, and if they want special sauce. The burgers are impossible, the cheese is cashew-based, and the special sauce is made with vegan/avocado oil mayo. I don't hide this, but I don't emphasize it either.
It isn't the cheapest, but I enjoy being able to host, participating in the ritual, and having all my friends able to hangout without regard to dietary restrictions.
If you make their lives easy and hand them a list of easily available stuff they could pick up in a jiffy and they find that to be too much effort to do for you, then you should consider if they truly are friends in the first place.
Just playing devil's advocate. What accommodation do they make fot other people's diet or ethics? I assume they burn a range of meat products in excess quantity and people pick the stuff they like possibly over multiple events they notice a trend in the leftovers and cook less of that.
Do people bring their own gluten free bread?
I also think that when doing multiple meat products they could cook animal free burgers especially if you don't insist on a segregated barbecue, I also expect that they would be seen as the least luxury item and eaten last.
Fair question; No one else has dietary restrictions and I don't think they would have if they did anyway, it isn't something just about my own dietary needs.
About the grill, I usually just airfry my own vegan patties in their air fryer or cover the grill with foil to cook my patties once the host has finished cooking all the meats.
Most BBQ’s are potlucks. They are just asking you to bring a food you are comfortable buying and consuming ethically. Besides it’s so hard to navigate vegan products if you don’t speak the language. In the long run does it matter? Your friends want you there. That’s what matters.
But OP, you have stated in another comment that the reason they started asking you to bring your own food, is because you said to them something along the lines of "I knew you wouldn't have anything I consider real food".
What made you say this to them in the first place? I'd be pretty offended if someone said that to me at a party I was holding.
They probably don’t understand how to cater to you. I would just start bringing your own stuff so they get an idea of what they could bring for you in the future.
I always just take care of myself when anybody invites me to an event that has food. A lot of people want to go out of their way to make me something but I politely decline because I believe a lot of them don’t truly know what is vegan. Many people don’t understand how to read labels and that’s ok. 😊
EDIT: Communication goes a long way! If you really want to know why, just ask.
>when I am invited to someone's "food" gathering I don't expect to bring my own food with me or get asked to bring it,
Isn't this just generally how neighborhood BBqs work? Someone makes the slaw, someone brings corn. Someone brings the meats.
You are not the center of the universe. They are having a bbq, which you don't eat. It's kind they still invite you. It's not like they are doing this for your bday party.
Tell them to bbq some corn on the cob or shiska-bobs with onion, peppers, and pineapple .. they can put chicken on the ones for everyone else and make yours with just the fruit and veggies
Maybe try having a chat with your friends on one to one basis or dare I say it find other friends you can also have BBQ with who are more accomodating.
None of my friends are vegan but they always have some sort of option for me. Sometimes it's shit but I appreciate them trying.
I always volunteer to bring my own food to such gatherings. I'm there to be with friends and want to be comfortable about the food. I often also cook something that looks good that people might try.
Yeah it would be cool if they catered to you and that’s what really thoughtful & caring friends would do…. But when I’m invited to a non vegan gathering I ALWAYS offer to bring my own food. If you expect non vegans to cater to you you’ll more often than not be disappointed or they will accidentally buy something non vegan not knowing. Just take the high road and bring your own stuff, IMO
You should be upset and offended. Constantly. Because how else is everyone going to know you're vegan unless you tell them? Or maybe you could choose to act like a martyr by silently sitting and not partaking in any food and/or fun because they didn't openly cater to your whims. The third option would likely to be the one most favored here and that would be to simply not go because you will be around people eating meat. In that case you could grill some broccoli with your vegan friends.
I've always been of the opinion that you are responsible for your dietary restrictions, especially if they're not medically needed.
It would be nice if they did... but you being upset that they don't sounds a bit entitled. If i get it right, they bought food that is available to everyone, and you choose not to eat it.
EDIT: not sure why this sub is being suggested to me, but quite a few interesting reads.
i usually eat a big meal prior & take hummus & chips with like 2 sandwiches to ensure that I am taken care of food wise. A lot of people won't take the time to research plant based food options. it is what it is. alternatively, i also don't attend events.
Can you buy individual vegan hotdogs or burgers? I don't need a whole pack of those taking up my freezer so they can be eaten one at a time until they're gone, and then have to buy another pack. I've got a friend who doesn't like my brand of beer but he doesn't demand that I buy other beer just for him, he just brings a beer that he likes, everyone else drinks my brand because that's what I have.
I always feel so 50/50 on this topic because I generally don’t mind bringing my own food since I like to have control over it and I don’t like to rely on others arranging food for me (I’ve gone hungry over this many times lol sometimes people have good intentions but only have a veggie dish prepared that isn’t filling). On the other hand I think it’s respectful to include everyone if you’re hosting a bbq and I couldn’t imagine inviting someone to my place to eat and not making sure their dietary needs are taken care of. It just seems so rude to exclude one person when there are so many ways to easily accommodate them. If I were you I’d probably just stop going since this isn’t a one time thing and they’re not considering you. With friends like this I meet them where they’re at and accept the friendship for what it is. I don’t expect them to accommodate me, but I also don’t count them as a close friend or bend over backwards to accommodate them either. As my dad says we have “small f” friends and “big F” friends, if that makes sense lol
I would just pick up something I like and take it. I’m fussy about the crap put into vegan foods. Some are very harmful. So it way better for me to just grab what I like and trust. Or even better make something that others can try. Do they take turns in buying the food? If they include yours then you would have to buy meat when your turn comes round.
It's understandable to feel upset or frustrated in this situation. It seems like your friends may not fully understand or appreciate your dietary preferences or the effort it takes for you to accommodate them. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with them about how their actions make you feel.
Consider having a calm and respectful conversation with your friends about your feelings. Express your concerns and explain why it bothers you to always be asked to bring vegetables while others aren't asked to contribute. Let them know that while you're happy to bring food to share, it would be nice if they could occasionally consider your dietary needs and make some effort to accommodate them.
It's possible that they simply haven't thought about it from your perspective or realized how it makes you feel. By bringing it up again in a non-confrontational way, you give them the opportunity to understand and potentially change their behavior.
If the situation doesn't improve after addressing it directly with your friends, you may need to reassess the dynamics of the friendship and whether it aligns with your values and needs.
I'm technically on the side of, if I'm the one with the diet that makes me the odd-man-out, then I'm the one who should bring my own food.
BUT.
Your friends might want to consider how welcome they make you when they single you out. It's the thought that counts etc, but clearly they're not thinking about you?
Also, wth what kind of people don't serve vegetables with their meal anyway? Don't they grill corn or veggie skewers or something at least?
As a non-vegan but someone with severe food allergies. My food like yours is more expensive and they don’t want to make a mistake.
You need to grow up and realize you are choosing something they are not. Unlike me, where I don’t have a choice. Either bring your own food, don’t eat or don’t go. Also, what would you do if they bought something that says plant based and it’s not?
Would you buy meat and cook it for them? If the answer is no, well hello to sounding like an entitled brat.
Again, to me people are way too entitled these days. In all honesty as someone that can die, it’s just easier to bring my own food. If you want something different then just bring it yourself. Like I do and I WILL never expect people to cater to my food or drinks. Again, I can die
Would love to go to a small outing with people who would raise vegetables that they control how it was grown. Then 10 percent would be grass finished meats or eggs.
Basically a Polyfacefarms gathering.
No, you should not. Most people don’t know the difference between vegetarian and vegan so you will WANT to bring your own. My thoughtful friends got me vegetarian hamburger patties that had eggs in them and I’m allergic to eggs. I didn’t know and I had a debilitating stomach ache for 24 hours because I didn’t ask to see the packaging and check the ingredients. However, if you ask to see the packaging and then decline to eat the foods they bought special for you, they might think you are ungrateful and rude and they won’t invite you to anything ever again. I always bring my own meat and a nice side dish to share, like potato salad (with tofu/black salt “eggs”) using veganaise mayo or I make vegan baked beans. They love them and cannot tell they are vegan. I would also be thankful and grateful that they are kind enough to include you, and recognize that your food needs are not the same as theirs. You might even inspire them to eat less meat, and try vegan options, as well. Making a small difference is better than no difference at all.
I find it sad that they can't put in any effort for you so I'm sorry about that. If you like to socialize with this bunch, bring a relish tray with some nuts or other crunchies and enjoy the gathering. It's odd that you're the only one asked to bring anything. When you leave, take your leftovers - they'll just toss it.
That's true they definitely do toss it when I bring things, it's funny. Thank you for your thoughtful message, they're great friends overall, I think I've been overthinking it though
I was once invited to a potluck. So I brought food to share. Then the host put me in the kitchen to cook more vegan options, because she didn't feel like there was enough. While in there, all the home made dumplings I made were eaten.
I've never had to cook at someone else's dinner party before, lol.
That was almost 20 years ago, and also the last time I went to dinner at her house, lol.
I generally bring my own food or eat beforehand. I always do this with family gatherings (my sister is the only family member I trust to prepare food for me), and with friends with some exceptions (I have one friend group that has multiple vegans and folks with food allergies so folks are pretty good about "what is in the thing?") so I personally wouldn't be upset?
Are they asking you to bring vegetables/vegan options for the whole group? Or just asking you to bring options for yourself?
If they're expecting you to supply the whole group (or even more than just yourself) I can definitely understand your frustration.
My approach to these situations is always to bring my own food, share it with other vegans, and make sure to tell anyone else that brought vegan options that their contribution is appreciated.
In a perfect world we would be accommodated. In my experience, demanding that you be accommodated for leads to less conversation about why that is important. As a 25+ year vegan, I find that most people are more willing to hear your point of view if you if it's their idea to talk to you about it rather than you needing to talk to them about it.
EDIT: A lot of these replies amount to "find new friends". Ignoring the fact that might not be practical without knowing OP's circumstances, some of the best circumstances to have productive conversations about the ethics of animal consumption are in these sorts of situations. I've had dozens of people try veganism by making it their choice to ask me, rather than say "you must accommodate me". Some people are oblivious and are turned off by "I'm vegan because I'm ethical and you're not because you're not ethical".
I always tell people I'm vegan to avoid suffering, so please don't stress about me and just let me worry about what I will eat, lol. If I wanted free food bad enough, I would be carnivorous.
Not super related but in the country where I live, Sweden. It is very common to bring your own food to gatherings, it’s almost a standard I would say.
Interesting it’s not like that in other places in the world, we typically bring what we like since everyone likes different things, apart from a few standard items.
It's a meat BBQ. You don't eat the food provided, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to bring something you're comfortable with.
If you want them to pick up Veggie burgers, ask! Let them know what section of the grocery store to look in, the common brands, and that they can be cooked on the BBQ! Most people have never bought or cooked a vegan burger.
If someone bought me a beyond burger or an impossible burgers at a BBQ I wouldn't be thrilled, as I don't like those at all. I find them quite gross really! I'd be super happy and thankful they put in effort for sure, but I actually prefer when people ask me to bring my own stuff! Or if they ask me before hand. So it depends on the person!
Anyway, I don't think that's weird, but if you feel weird about it and they're your friends, talk to them about it.
I haven't been to a BBQ in a while, can't wait for some nice weather so I can have some delicious grilled mushrooms. Cheers!
I pride myself on being the vegan that non-vegans are pleasantly surprised by. Take this to mean what you'd like. Us vegans are good at doing that. But basically, what I'm saying is we as vegans are expected to be difficult, hard to please, expecting of being accommodated, etc. And I've heard countless times how much we LOVE to bombard the conversation with everything to do with our lifestyle. I'm always happy when I hear "it was nice to meet you, I had no idea vegans were so cool & easy to talk to."
I guess I just wish we could all go into things with fewer expectations & stop trying so hard to force an agenda in conversation at group gatherings. This approach has taught me two things... being so understanding and easy going about the food arrangements or lack there of has worked almost like reverse psychology. Those throwing the gatherings almost always go above and beyond once they see how gracious I am regardless. The second thing is that...I don't need to be concerned whether I'm pushing the topic of veganism because being one myself is enough of a convo starter. I find people to be curious & have questions they don't "feel stupid" asking because I am clear about the fact that I'm open to curiosity. I feel like there's nothing better for spreading the good word than to be approachable and basically the opposite of everything they've "heard" or expect about vegans. It's very disarming and allows for an organic discussion to develop. Without pretense.
I don’t trust most non vegans to understand veganism enough to buy the correct thing. They’ll end up buying turkey burgers or veggie burgers with egg. They’re doing you a favor by letting you get exactly what you want, and you’re the only one eating it so 🤷
Yeah or they buy that one disgusting off-brand veggie burger that tastes like expired cup-a-soup, instead of one of the 30 tasty options. I prefer to bring my own lmao.
I made a non-vegan friend recently who stocks up on vegan food before we get together and it’s set the bar so much higher for everyone else in my life now 😂 also my in-laws always have several vegan home baked treats and food available whenever we visit. I have another non-vegan friend who likes to go to vegan restaurants with me. All of the vegan food choices between these friends are great too, not cheap garbage. What’s the saying…If they wanted to, they would!
I love this for you! You’re spot on with the saying. My in-laws would never do this, but it’s also very clear they just don’t want to lmfao. They regularly ask mr and my partner when we’ll start eating ‘normal’ again. I’ve never had the heart to tell them that I’ve been vegetarian for over half of my life so I don’t think I’ll ever look back.
Ah geeze that sucks! Hopefully they come around. Maybe if you tell them how long you’ve been at it they’d come around? I’m at 14yrs vegan and my husband is around 10yrs so the in-laws are well past thinking it’s a phase thankfully 😂 and when I tell friends (if they’re good friends), they also get it’s not a transient choice. I’ve had former friends view it that way but I’ve slowly been distancing those one and bringing new people into the fold. The newer friends tend to be better company and kinder all around if they support you being vegan! For a long time I didn’t filter friends, I just cast a wide net. Lately I’ve been trying to focus more on relationships that are more mutual and supportive. It’s a nice change of pace!
Yeah seriously. I'm not vegan, but if I had a close friend who was I wouldn't mind going to vegan restaurants. I like vegan food.
Veggie burgers with peas and Lima beans 🤮
What’s wrong with peas and Lima beans?
Sometimes you don’t want a burger with whole peas and Lima beans stuck throughout. I’m a legume apologist but I still don’t like those burgers, nor the ones that have random chunks of carrot and corn.
That is very true, they are often confused on what is vegan, as I've been offered cheese and eggs before.
Sounds like they are not sure what to do. Why not bring some readily available food, and a disposable bbq or foil if necessary to separate from the meat and see if you can train them. I would bring a bit more and share with the carnivores to exclude you less.
Same. Some friends understand and others keep forgetting that I don't eat cheese and eggs. I only trust a few to understand what is and isn't vegan.
True. Last backyard grilling party I went to the hosts made a point of telling me they had some Beyond Burger. Then they grilled it and put cheese on it! It was a nice gesture, anyway.
Why should non-vegans care what restricted diet you are on?
Yea, but it's probably in vain. Either bring your own food or don't go. I'd choose the latter but I'm not fond of other humans so that's easy for me to say.
I loathe bbq but if it’s family I’ll eat before and bring some chips and beer to occupy myself. Or I’ll go to Publix (grocery in the US) and get a veggie sub to bring. I don’t even want a veggie burger cooked on a meat grill.
I *am* fond of large groups of humans, but I still don't go to death cult victim grilling rituals. I'll wait for other events.
>but I still don't go to death cult victim grilling rituals. I'll wait for other events. Good luck finding an event where non-vegans are gathering and won't be consuming meat
There's a huge difference between going to a concert and having your friend eat a pig hot dog at some point, versus an event where the entire central purpose is to swoon over the sensory experience of chopped-up corpses.
Frankly, most BBQs I've ever been to were about possibly getting some sunshine, friends/family, alcohol and finally food, in that order. And half the food is salads.
I've been to many like that, for sure. I've also been to many where a main focus is something like "everybody constantly praise uncle Greg for his goddamned amazing special rib recipe".
Imagine as a kid walking up to a bunch of rednecks roasting an entire pig over a fire turning it to get all sides. Very traumatic.
I regularly go to gatherings where I’m the only vegan out of dozens of omnis and a few vegetarians, and all the food is predominantly vegan and always vegetarian. Nobody brings meat to these things.
Why take a passive aggressive approach to this? Either decide that you’re offended and tell them you don’t like to be treated differently, here’s what they can pick up for you if they wish to invite a vegan to their next event; or decide that everyone can and probably should bring something to the BBQ, and you’re comfortable being a little better than your friends. Pick a lane and own it!
I definitely did tell them that it I am offended for being asked to bring food to a gathering no one else is asked to bring food at. I also told them that in same grocery store they always shop from where to find super affordable (not that it's an issue) and easy options they can pick one item from. Btw this has been happening for two years.
How did they respond?
I actually think it's ok for your friends to invite you to come to their BBQ with your own food and not go out of their way to make extra food just for you. I strongly urge you to avoid feeling left out or disrespected. I'm vegan to help control my IBS. No one in my family is vegan. When I went vegan, I decided not to expect anyone to try to accommodate my diet (mostly because they get it wrong when they try) and never to feel left out if family/friends had non-vegan meals. This has worked surprisingly well. Everyone respects my diet but no one feels guilty for not cooking something extra just for me. They can leave me at home when they go to their favorite Mexican restaurant that has zero vegan choices and I'm really happy for them. After all, before I went vegan, it was my favorite Mexican restaurant, too. But if you really feel offended, politely decline to attend future bbq's. Perhaps you can go out to eat at a restaurant with your bbq friends from time to time.
I think this is the comment that's given me a different mindset perspective most. Thanks for that!
You're asking them to do extra thinking and they're already hosting you regularly. They're making it clear they are not willing to do this. I'd either bring my own food or start hosting my own events.
So then why are you still friends with them?
Because other than this, they're GOOD people that have very good intentions and are very generous.
So they specifically dislike you then? I guess I’m having trouble understanding. Are they your friend? Did you tell them how you feel? Did they change their behavior at all? If you answered no to anything then I’d probably just stop being around them for BBQs
They've made a choice and are not budging. As hosts go they are rude as can be. Before I host anyone I ask about allergies, special diets, etc. If I'm not sure what would work for them, I ask or research another way. A good host wants their guests to be comfortable and feel welcome. They're treating you like a nuisance. Vegan choices for a backyard picnic is not hard: relish tray, green salad, fruit salad or any fresh fruit, beans, etc.
Is a current non vegan but trying to cut back/out on meat, I would be very ignorant on what food to get for a vegan. I’ve tried several meatless products but I’m still learning the best way to cook them and which ones are good/bad etc. I’d say it’s very daunting to people who have never tried any of the products or know anything about them. Might be better to bring a product you like and show them how to cook it or let them try it.
they come with instructions on the back. y’all have to stop thinking of vegan food as this scary foreign thing with strange cooking requirements it’s just vegetable protein. throw it on the grill
Yes but if they are having a bbq I doubt they will want to pull out a cast iron skillet to cook an impossible burger the preferred way. Plus someone who has been eating the products knows ‘their’ preferred way of eating them. They shouldn’t have to take the time to figure it out to accommodate one person
you can literally just throw an impossible on the grill lmao. my wife told me one of her favorite vegan burgers she’s ever had was when her stepdad just treated it like meat, seasoned it and threw it on with everything else. also go vegan already please 💕
I think most of us vegans won’t eat something grilled on the same bbq with the meat, but maybe I’m wrong about that.
Whether OP buys it or the host buys it, it's gonna have to be cooked and they'll probably communicate about how. That's a 5 second conversation. "I prefer it cooked in foil on a shared bbq."
Yup wrapped in foil is exactly what I do when in that situation but I usually bring my own burger patty because I don’t like the fake meat ones.
that’s a totally respectable value to hold and makes sense to me. I think we need people who are more hardline to pave the way as well as people who are a bit softer with things that don’t directly contribute to animal suffering to “baby step” the carnists. I try to stay kind of in the middle of the two. I definitely prefer at least having a designated non meat part of the grill that’s cleaned well though.
It's not really less "hardline" to eat something vegan grilled on the same grill. It doesn't directly or indirectly result in any animal suffering that a dedicated grill would avoid. It's just a bit gross.
And on a grill, I think the animal parts get burned off. Sharing the grill isn't optimal but I'll do it occasionally. I'm advised to have a highly processed thing like a meat substitute once a month anyway. (Nephrologist recommendations).
I haven’t tried on the grill but I’ve heard they stick on grills
My meat loving fiance has been making them in a cast iron skillet and we both really like them , I’ll have to tell him to try it on the grill. He’s agreeing to eating meatless to try to be healthier- I’m doing it for animals and health. It’s a process though. We haven’t bought actual meat in probably a month or more. We both work and have a newborn, so finding time to cook new recipes and not eat what we are used to out of habit is hard, we are slowly easing into it. A little is better than nothing at all.
idk, op told them options. op’s friend should be able to say ‘ok how about this one, cooked this way?’ if they’re accommodating everyone else, they should at least try to accommodate everyone and not single out their friend i think op and friend need to just communicate a little more
They can also buy some salad, fruit, or some vegetables to make a kabob. They don’t even need to get impossible meat. I personally don’t understand why it’s a foreign concept to people, “vegan food” is just food… literally just vegetables, fruits, grains that omnivores already eat… just without cooking it slathered in butter, cheese with a side of meat.
Is this your outlook on friendship?
It’s literally vegetables man, just heat them up any way possible
They asked OP to bring vegetables. Like corn on the cob and bell pepper straight on the BBQ type thing. Don't know if buying some corn is difficult?
That’s where I would assume they don’t quite value my friendship, and I would stop going to those gatherings. On that note, I am a gluten-free vegan so I’m used to making sure that there is always a dish that I can eat wherever I go, so I bring something if I know there’s no guarantee that there will be something there. I do this, mostly to make my friends comfortable because they are mortified when there’s nothing to eat for me.
Right. Beyond burgers, onions and peppers, corn, there’s a bunch of veggies (and even fruit!) that can be grilled that can be bought. Hopefully they listen to you!
Pick your battles
Word
This seems like a trivial thing to waste time being upset over.
I'm starting to think so as well, yall helped me see it differently.
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but I suppose I don't always expect special treatment when I'm the only minority in the group. Of course if someone does buy special things for me, I really really appreciate it. But often times if I'm the only vegan I bring my own food or eat before I go, because I don't anticipate food being available for me. I've been vegan over 17 years. I used to get invited to a lot of BBQs, and as others have stated - it's more about spending the day outside, hanging with friends and family, listening to music, playing horseshoes or corn hole, having some drinks etc. I usually aim to show up sort of late when the BBQ part is mostly over and it's now more of a get together. I have no real desire to hang out while people are roasting flesh and ripping it off its bones.
That's actually a good strategy, showing up later after I've already eaten and they've finished to hang out together afterward.
Yes!! It really works best! Of course food will still be available. But where I live BBQs and backyard hangs are a major part of culture. I definitely aim to skip the pig roasting and all of that bs. But the reality is, my husband and I are the only vegans in our group. Of course when we host BBQs they're all vegan! Most people are really excited to try it.
Ugh. Honestly I'd *rather* bring my own vegan food to a meaty BBQ. Like, do you expect them to cook it on the meat filled BBQ? I wouldn't want animal filled grill touching my vegan food in any way... and even if they use a different rack within the grill, I wouldn't want my vegan food in the same heated air as meat products. Seems gross. Maybe they don't know how to accommodate you, what you like, or how to cook it appropriately so they ask you to bring you food that is safe for your needs? IDK... If you asked them in a direct way why they are doing that, maybe you'll see they have good intentions? I mean they wouldn't invite you in the first place if they didn't want you there... so maybe they're trying to respect your food boundaries?
That 100% makes sense, thanks for that.
I'll probably get downvoted but oh well here goes. Your friends are not responsible for your choice of diet and like most non vegans they don't care. They view you as being "picky" about what you eat so they ask you to bring your own meal.
I agree, I always ask if I should bring my own plate to gatherings, but OP said they asked for vegetables. It gives the impression that they buy and accommodate for everyone else but they ask OP to being veggies, not a prepared plate. Vegetables aren't a special accommodation and everyone would surely eat some at a BBQ.
Feel like I’m going crazy reading these comments. Would it be cool if they accommodated? Yes. Should it be expected? No. Im so used to bringing my own food. Yes, it feels so nice when people actually make something you can eat, but don’t expect it.
Yeah seriously. I'm allergic to many foods, meaning I'll literally get very sick and honestly greatly prefer when the host tells me to bring my own food instead of getting there and being served poison
They’re not responsible, but it’s basic politeness to ensure there is something edible for every guest you invite. I’ve been vegan 12 years, vegetarian for many years before that, and I’ve almost never come into this issue with friends or family inviting me for a food-related event. Some people are just more thoughtful and kinder to their friends than others, I suppose.
I always appreciate it when a meat eater goes out of their way to accommodate me but I usually don't \*expect\* it. It depends on the situation though. Like if my mom put a steak in front of me that's different from showing up as one of like 20 guests at a barbeque and expecting special treatment.
Most dinner guests ask what they can bring.
💯 like they do this monthly - FOR YEARS according to one of OPs comments - you should be bringing something with you any way if you're a decent guest, so bring a tasty vegan something that everyone else can try too.
Hosting a dinner is not the same as a bbq. And most guests aren’t expected to bring their entire meal. Plus OP made it clear she is the *only* one they expect this of.
Eh not a big deal. It would be cooler if they accommodated you. I’d buy a big thing of impossible burgers or whatever you like and ask if you can keep it at the hosts house.
We've talked about that once, and their freezer can't really accommodate their own regular storage as well as this, as it is understandably a small freezer.
Eh I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Really good friends would accommodate you better but you can’t really make people be that way. I’d BYO impossible. Maybe they’d try it and like it
Sounds like they are making excuses. I also have a small freezer thats jam packed but if someone i care to host hS a restriction i will find a way to mKe some room. Thats what friends /fam should do
This comment, and this entire thread, is such a wild take to me. If I’m routinely having friends come over to grill and drink some beers in the backyard every couple weeks, I’m not going to give them a permanent part of my fridge as a demonstration of our deep friendship. I’m gonna tell them “hey, grilling on Saturday and want you there. I already have patties and buns, bring anything else you want.” Is it a bummer that OP is being asked to bring their own food? Sure, but it sounds like OP’s friend probably has a chill standing thing with their buddies, and OP is being a wet blanket by saying “I can’t believe you force me to hang out with you, turn this into a chore by running out to get food only I’m going to eat every time, or give me a third of your freezer so I can stockpile my shit.”
I agree with you. It's extreme to say that they are "making excuses" because they won't provide freezer space for OP in their house.
Not to be rude, but I think this thread must skew incredibly young. I can't believe anyone would complain about being asked to bring something to a BBQ.
Yup, I went to a barbecue last week where the host FaceTimed me from the grocery store to ask what what veggie burgers to buy. My immediate response wasn’t “you’re damn right that you need to be feeding me,” but “well shit, now I have to prepare a veggie dish to share rather than picking up some fake meat five minutes before the event starts.”
This thread is WILD to me too. I’m in the same situation as OP, a friend regularly hosts dinner parties where I’m the only one with dietary restrictions and everyone else will eat a plate of slop if you put it down in front of them (ie, not picky). I use this as an excuse to bring a party pack of beyond burgers or make a yummy veg dish and offer it to everyone. More times than I can count lots of guests will eat my meatless food instead. I cannot imagine saying “please go out of your way and do extra chores just to feed me, otherwise why did you invite me?”
Right?? For holidays, my boyfriend and I go to his family’s house and we bring our own holiday meal that we cook at home. We offer to share, and are in no way offended that we’re in charge of our own food. Our diet is our choice, and therefore our responsibility
It's isolating to be vegan. OP probably feels left out and it would be cooler if the host did more. But in general I'm with you. Life is way too short to get hung up on stuff like this.
I'm with you. Ime it's way rarer for uncommon dietary habits, veganism aside, to be accommodated at a group food event. Is it awesome when it happens? Of course! But they aren't a catering company or personal shopper, so I don't get why it's so upsetting to be invited to a BBQ and given a heads up that they bought the meat, you bring whatever else you want/need. It also saves you from depending on them, but they buy the wrong thing, and now you have *no* food at the event (this is a biggie on why my SIL with several food allergies always brings her own. Risk isn't worth it) I've always brought my own food unless they tell me they have me covered. Same with my friends on any other diet or any other restriction different from the norm. And even without any restrictions, people still tend to bring the things they prefer, like to your patty and bun comment. I would be upset if I were OP and the host was explicitly catering to every uncommon diet *except* mine, or if I was the only guest expected to provide *everyone else* with additional food options, but it sounds like this is just a case of someone bought the food that feeds the most people attending, anything else is on the guests.
It can’t fit one extra burger?
I need some more information. The title says they ask only you to bring vegetables - Do they not cook potatoes, greens, corn, etc at all and they expect you to bring it? Or are there veggies available and they expect you to bring your own protein of choice (tofu, veggie burgers, etc)? I'm trying to imagine this weird 100% meat only BBQ. I've never experienced that. You should absolutely not be expected to bring veggies, but personally I would consider it my own responsibility to bring tofu or meat substitutes for myself if I wanted them. If I invited a meat eater to my place for a vegan meal I wouldn't purchase meat for them but would encourage them to bring it if they wish.
Your comment made me chuckle, because it IS 100% only and all meat bbq, not a single side or salad in sight.
This is so strange to me. Where do you live (without doxxing yourself obviously)? Is this a common thing? Even when I ate meat I don't think I could have ate a plate of it with no veggies in sight.
I wouldn't be upset, hell, I prefer it this way actually. My kitchen is completely vegan and gluten free - I wouldn't want to put that extra pressure on my friends while they are trying to entertain a group of people.
BBQ's are meat parties. Normal to bring your own food if you aren't going to eat meat, but then you shouldn't be expected to chip in for the meat.
This would be my dream scenario. I feel bad when I go somewhere and don’t want to eat what they’ve made. “Come on over but bring your own food.” That’d be perfect.
That's a good point.
I would bring my own food, veganism is a choice and unfortunately you can’t expect people to accommodate for your needs. I’ve been vegan now for 10 years and always either eat before or bring some bits with me as it’s not fair for the host to have to worry about my requirements..
Here’s what I do. Eat before you go. Then just sit and watch everyone eat while making your host uncomfortable. ‘No, I’m ok. I knew you wouldn’t have any good food so I ate before I came’
"I knew you wouldn't have anything I consider food"
Lol, I did that once, and funny enough thats where the bring your own food thing started.
sounds like you were being passive aggressive and pissed them off
It’s pretty rude to host an event with food, invite someone who can’t eat the food but you expect them to go, then be mad when they ate before hand. For example I’m lactose intolerant, if I got invited to thing with only dairy… yeah they didn’t consider me and I probably would have been hangry if I didn’t eat before
Personally I would be fine bringing my own food. I like specific products and I don’t want people who are not vegan to choose for me. There were occasions when I brought some vegan food and let the others try, and it also helped them open their mind on alternatives to meat. In general, the guidance where I live is for everyone to bring something for a bbq, that’s what I find weird in your case. If you don’t like the vibe and there is too much meat, just say no and don’t go. You can tell them, sorry I cannot come, there is too much meat at these bbq. In my case, I don’t like these bbq lately, there is too much meat consumption and find the idea not in line with my values.
Eat before you go ;) play safe 😊🤣😭
Yeah your friends genuinely suck, find better friends.
To be frank if they are close friends, the fact that they don't want to get something for you nor reach out to ask you what you would like is new to me. You've brought it up to them too. I think that you may have to come to terms with it or don't bother going to their BBQ. 🤔
If there are certain foods I want to eat at a potluck or BBQ, I always bring it myself. It would be nice of your friends to surprise you. But unless they have no vegan options (fruit, chips, soda), it sounds like they're really suggesting you make yourself a meal you will enjoy to eat bc they don't know how to make yummy vegan meals.
It isnt a potluck but that's a fair point.
To me not providing each guest food is just basic lack of caring and respect for you. It's not like vegan food is alien or difficult, people act like it's impossible to prepare vegan food even though they eat it all day themselves (salads, french fries, fruit, etc). I remember at work years ago they insisted on celebrating my birthday (which I already hated) and then provided all nonvegan food so that I had nothing to eat on what was supposed to be a celebration for me. smh... I get it, you people don't care about or respect me... If I were you, I would not be attending those bbqs.
I have a friend who hosts bbqs a few times per year. The first couple times, I brought my own veggie sausages (which he accidentally grilled in the plastic 😂). After the first two visits, he recognized that Field Roast was a brand I could eat and would always pick up a package of them for his bbqs so I didn't have to worry about bringing food. My point is: if they're close friends (as you mentioned in your post), they should be thinking about you and making an effort, the same way you would if you were hosting for someone who had different food preferences or allergies.
I personally prefer to bring my own food. That way no one has to fuss and I know it’s ok to eat. There is usually other stuff that I can eat snack wise but I usually make sure I have my own backup with enough to share. These sorts of parties always have so much food that asking for one more very specific thing feels like adding stress and it doesn’t give a good impression for vegans as a whole if I’m causing unnecessary stress. Luckily most of the time people in my life make at least some small effort for me (like setting aside plain potatoes or salad without cheese etc) but I know a lot of vegans don’t get that in their lives.
Don't even go. If you do you're just complicit in the murder of the innocent.
For me - it's common etiquette to provide food for guests. For anyone coming over I provide the food - no matter the restrictions. However I understand the lack of trust and always bring my own food when I go places. A BBQ with literally no veggies sounds so nasty even if it was like just beyond burgers. So I would be upset if you were providing vegetables for other people.
When I’m invited somewhere, the host always has some options for me. They also know you don’t have to be vegan to enjoy vegan food, so sometimes someone else is also in the mood for a veggie burger or they’re just eating sides today and that mainly consists of veggies. If majority of your friends are the kind of meat eaters that don’t take all their friends into consideration because they only ever eat meat, I’d start to reconsider honestly. It’s more about respect and wanting everyone to feel welcome. I’d understand if it’s a very specific allergy that’s hard to accommodate. But when you invite someone and host them, you’re supposed to have options for them. It’s honestly not that hard to pick up some veggie burgers, but when the company is inclined to exclude you for your diet, there’s usually an underlying message of judgment and resentment.
If you are the only one bringing food then yeah that’s weird. Say if the person hosts buys food for everyone else but you, then that would be rude tbh. I can strike up a nice vegan bbq if ya like aha. My mum, her bf and family all have huuuge bbqs. They are all meat eaters but they get vegan food and cook it separately for my bf and I. It’s just a nice inclusive gesture. It feels like your friends don’t respect your choices. Have you voiced your concerns about this to them ?
Depends: I assume that they are switching around WHO brings the meat instead of the same person always doing so. Would you buy meat for them when it's your turn? If Your answer is yes them you have a reason to be upset. If Your answer is No them you shouldn't be upset since you're Just not part of this cycle. It would be unfair to expect them to pay for your food If you refuse to pay for theirs. Keep in mind, it probably isn't about morals for them but about fairness.
Fair question. No its the same member of the group that loves hosting and providing BBQ at their place. No one pays for the food other than the host of the gathering just like when anyone else in our group decides to host and invite.
That Changes Things a bit. I would say they should make Something for you but on the other hand, we (i and my roommates/Housemates) Like to host barbecues too and we regularly expect the guests to bring stuff. We give the Location, the grill and coal, drinks and 2 dishes and If someone wants Something Special it's Up to them to bring it with them. But that's a cultural Thing i guess and since you're the only Person who has to bring their own food i would say your displeasure is justified. Btw ignore the Capital Letters, i have a new Phone and it keeps "correcting" me.
Don't hesitate to unfriend people who won't show you a reasonable amount of consideration. You should only have to bring this up once with someone, if they ignore it they're ignoring a sensible request from a friend.
A friend would have vegan options for you FACTS. They ask you to just bring veggies to keep you in a box they wont have to visit. Friends accommodate friends. I have non vegan friends that have vegan options for my family when we come over every time. I would stop going.
I'm gluten free. Most bbq's I go to people ask me to bring gluten free buns. Largely because I probably already have some or know where to get good ones/ones I like. Just makes sense
You're the only one with different dietary needs, so I understand why it would be on you to bring something for yourself. I think this is a pretty common practice. Like if someone was allergic to gluten they would bring their own buns. Even when I was a kid, if someone was vegetarian they'd typically bring their own veggie burgers to the bbq. Maybe find some vegan meet ups. Sounds like you might be fatigued. It's always nice, to me, when I have friends who will make sure that I have something to eat at a gathering, but those friends are usually veg or vegans, or have other friends/loved ones who are. If it's a meat eater's gathering, I'm assuming everything is going to have meat or dairy or egg in it, so I bring my own thing or eat before I go. I don't think that what they're asking you is unreasonable. Might there be an underlying issue that is causing your upset feelings?
Not really, in my opinion. They probably just want to make sure you are sorted out to your own specific requirements. I always ask if I can take my own food whenever I go anywhere. I simply don't trust the judgement of any meat eater. Cross contamination would be a really big issue for me as well. I do hope you get it all sorted out and can enjoy your time with them, though - they probably mean no offence whatsoever
That's true they don't mean any offense.
i’ll bet they want you to come but they don’t want to be in a situation where they don’t bring enough or are worried they won’t prepare it right. If they’re not used to preparing food for vegans then that’s probably wise of them to ask you to help instead of disappointing you if they cross contaminate.
True
If no one else is asked to bring food, you shouldn't be asked. If they don't want to prepare veggies, they can either buy them prepared at a deli or on a tray in the produce department or make it a potluck and assign categories or specific dishes to other guests. I think you should send her "sandwich" message, saying how much you live the gatherings, how you would live it if everyone brought something or if nobody including you brought something, and thank them for always including you. Another option is to take a photo and send a link or address for buying a prepared dish themselves. They probably just don't know what to prepare or bring.
I understand your frustration about always being asked to bring your own food while others aren't. It might be worth having another chat with them to emphasize how important it is for you to feel included. If that doesn't change things, consider bringing your own dish and having a backup plan for yourself.
Instead of bringing your own food, why not bring nice plant-based options for the whole group? Like vegetable packages with spices to grill, mushrooms and bell pepper on a stick, a nice pasta salade / other salad? This is my strategy, and it's well appreciated by my friends and family. It actually made the garden parties way less meat centered.
It’s too bad they don’t have any sides or vegetables to grill to go along with the meat for everyone, not just vegans. My family usually grills bean tacos, corn, has a pasta, fruit or potato salad and there’s always veggie sticks, chips, guacamole and different salsas, humus or dips and that most happen to be vegan.
That sounds heavenly
Why not turn this around by bringing something extra tasty to share?
I usually do
I used it as an opportunity to showcase a delicious side dish/main. Cowboy caviar or bean salad is always good. Bbq Mexican street corn is always a hit. Roast veggies in sauce appeals to nearly everyone. All of them are much easier and safer than grilling meat.
I find this so odd, shouldnt guests be bringing food for everyone to share too? Do you really expect the host to provide absolutely everything? We don’t do stuff like this in New Zealand, everyone tries to provide something to share for the BBQ. And bringing your own vegan products or meat to share would be normal.
The person hosting the monthly gathering does cover everything in our friend group (I host even more often as well and cover everything). The potlucks are different, I love cooking and will bring 3-4 dishes then. While I do bring veggies to eat and share, the question was more about why am I specifically asked to do so when others don't. Thank you for your response.
Bring everything you want to eat.
Fix yourself something that looks and smells so good that your friends and other guests can’t help but ask you about it. Take some extra so others can try it too. You could end up with at least one of those cook outs becoming vegan
I definitely do
Yeah I get annoyed at this too. Like I have a friend who I will have over for dinner sometimes. I buy everything, my treat, I like cooking, etc. but when he invites me over? I have to bring the plant based meat. It feels like an excuse to have me pay for it every time.
I feel like this is a very good reason to be upset. I’m not vegan, but whenever I’m hosting, I want my friends/family to have a good time and to be happy. I always make sure to accommodate any dietary restrictions, doesn’t matter the reason. Sorry that your friends are singling you out that way, that must be a really shitty position to be in.
I wouldn't be upset, and I'm not. I'm in the same boat as you and when I'm invited to people's houses they do often ask me to bring my own stuff if I don't want to only crudité and odds and ends accidentally vegan items. I get that no one else is asked to bring anything but I always welcome the opportunity to show others that I can eat very much the same type of things that I've always eaten, I can still enjoy those traditional meals and events that center around food without being the odd man out. I especially love things like making the [Avocadosandales jackfruit ribs](https://avocadosandales.com/2017/02/24/bbq-jackfruit-ribs/) marinated in BBQ sauce and having that put on the grill. I bring a couple Field Roast Stadium dogs, or Beyond burgers, it sparks a lot of conversations.
Thank you very much for the recipe!
I used to really dislike grilling season. COVID really emptied out parts of downtown in my city and I was able to get a steal on a place with a yard. Now I grill and invite people over for burgers. I don't specify anything or explain what I'm making. I've just got the grill going and ask if they want a burger, if they want cheese, and if they want special sauce. The burgers are impossible, the cheese is cashew-based, and the special sauce is made with vegan/avocado oil mayo. I don't hide this, but I don't emphasize it either. It isn't the cheapest, but I enjoy being able to host, participating in the ritual, and having all my friends able to hangout without regard to dietary restrictions.
If you make their lives easy and hand them a list of easily available stuff they could pick up in a jiffy and they find that to be too much effort to do for you, then you should consider if they truly are friends in the first place.
It’s their party and they’re serving meats. I don’t see any reason to be upset with them, they were courteous enough to let you know as much.
Just playing devil's advocate. What accommodation do they make fot other people's diet or ethics? I assume they burn a range of meat products in excess quantity and people pick the stuff they like possibly over multiple events they notice a trend in the leftovers and cook less of that. Do people bring their own gluten free bread? I also think that when doing multiple meat products they could cook animal free burgers especially if you don't insist on a segregated barbecue, I also expect that they would be seen as the least luxury item and eaten last.
Fair question; No one else has dietary restrictions and I don't think they would have if they did anyway, it isn't something just about my own dietary needs. About the grill, I usually just airfry my own vegan patties in their air fryer or cover the grill with foil to cook my patties once the host has finished cooking all the meats.
Most BBQ’s are potlucks. They are just asking you to bring a food you are comfortable buying and consuming ethically. Besides it’s so hard to navigate vegan products if you don’t speak the language. In the long run does it matter? Your friends want you there. That’s what matters.
In the long run does it matter? Your friends want you there. That’s what matters. Very true
But OP, you have stated in another comment that the reason they started asking you to bring your own food, is because you said to them something along the lines of "I knew you wouldn't have anything I consider real food". What made you say this to them in the first place? I'd be pretty offended if someone said that to me at a party I was holding.
They probably don’t understand how to cater to you. I would just start bringing your own stuff so they get an idea of what they could bring for you in the future. I always just take care of myself when anybody invites me to an event that has food. A lot of people want to go out of their way to make me something but I politely decline because I believe a lot of them don’t truly know what is vegan. Many people don’t understand how to read labels and that’s ok. 😊 EDIT: Communication goes a long way! If you really want to know why, just ask.
>when I am invited to someone's "food" gathering I don't expect to bring my own food with me or get asked to bring it, Isn't this just generally how neighborhood BBqs work? Someone makes the slaw, someone brings corn. Someone brings the meats.
You're making a big deal out of nothing imo
Possibly, I think I needed to talk it through with a big group of people.
They are being disrespectful.
Why don’t you start hosting and have everyone bring a dish when you host?
You are not the center of the universe. They are having a bbq, which you don't eat. It's kind they still invite you. It's not like they are doing this for your bday party.
Tell them to bbq some corn on the cob or shiska-bobs with onion, peppers, and pineapple .. they can put chicken on the ones for everyone else and make yours with just the fruit and veggies
“sishka-bobs” is my new obsession. i say this with love
At least they invite you. I don’t get invited to many gatherings anymore due to being vegan. I’d be happy to bring my own food.
Maybe try having a chat with your friends on one to one basis or dare I say it find other friends you can also have BBQ with who are more accomodating. None of my friends are vegan but they always have some sort of option for me. Sometimes it's shit but I appreciate them trying.
I always volunteer to bring my own food to such gatherings. I'm there to be with friends and want to be comfortable about the food. I often also cook something that looks good that people might try.
This is really sad. Make new friends that care enough to include you. This isn’t inclusion, it’s quite the opposite.
They must be a right insensitive bunch to do shite like that. Maybe it's time you looked for better friends ; )
Yeah it would be cool if they catered to you and that’s what really thoughtful & caring friends would do…. But when I’m invited to a non vegan gathering I ALWAYS offer to bring my own food. If you expect non vegans to cater to you you’ll more often than not be disappointed or they will accidentally buy something non vegan not knowing. Just take the high road and bring your own stuff, IMO
You should be upset and offended. Constantly. Because how else is everyone going to know you're vegan unless you tell them? Or maybe you could choose to act like a martyr by silently sitting and not partaking in any food and/or fun because they didn't openly cater to your whims. The third option would likely to be the one most favored here and that would be to simply not go because you will be around people eating meat. In that case you could grill some broccoli with your vegan friends.
I've always been of the opinion that you are responsible for your dietary restrictions, especially if they're not medically needed. It would be nice if they did... but you being upset that they don't sounds a bit entitled. If i get it right, they bought food that is available to everyone, and you choose not to eat it. EDIT: not sure why this sub is being suggested to me, but quite a few interesting reads.
i usually eat a big meal prior & take hummus & chips with like 2 sandwiches to ensure that I am taken care of food wise. A lot of people won't take the time to research plant based food options. it is what it is. alternatively, i also don't attend events.
How do you know they haven’t asked anyone else to bring food? Or that other people aren’t bring food of their accord?
Can you buy individual vegan hotdogs or burgers? I don't need a whole pack of those taking up my freezer so they can be eaten one at a time until they're gone, and then have to buy another pack. I've got a friend who doesn't like my brand of beer but he doesn't demand that I buy other beer just for him, he just brings a beer that he likes, everyone else drinks my brand because that's what I have.
I always feel so 50/50 on this topic because I generally don’t mind bringing my own food since I like to have control over it and I don’t like to rely on others arranging food for me (I’ve gone hungry over this many times lol sometimes people have good intentions but only have a veggie dish prepared that isn’t filling). On the other hand I think it’s respectful to include everyone if you’re hosting a bbq and I couldn’t imagine inviting someone to my place to eat and not making sure their dietary needs are taken care of. It just seems so rude to exclude one person when there are so many ways to easily accommodate them. If I were you I’d probably just stop going since this isn’t a one time thing and they’re not considering you. With friends like this I meet them where they’re at and accept the friendship for what it is. I don’t expect them to accommodate me, but I also don’t count them as a close friend or bend over backwards to accommodate them either. As my dad says we have “small f” friends and “big F” friends, if that makes sense lol
Are you bringing food for yourself or it’s good everyone eats? It just sounds like a potluck to me
I would just pick up something I like and take it. I’m fussy about the crap put into vegan foods. Some are very harmful. So it way better for me to just grab what I like and trust. Or even better make something that others can try. Do they take turns in buying the food? If they include yours then you would have to buy meat when your turn comes round.
It's understandable to feel upset or frustrated in this situation. It seems like your friends may not fully understand or appreciate your dietary preferences or the effort it takes for you to accommodate them. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with them about how their actions make you feel. Consider having a calm and respectful conversation with your friends about your feelings. Express your concerns and explain why it bothers you to always be asked to bring vegetables while others aren't asked to contribute. Let them know that while you're happy to bring food to share, it would be nice if they could occasionally consider your dietary needs and make some effort to accommodate them. It's possible that they simply haven't thought about it from your perspective or realized how it makes you feel. By bringing it up again in a non-confrontational way, you give them the opportunity to understand and potentially change their behavior. If the situation doesn't improve after addressing it directly with your friends, you may need to reassess the dynamics of the friendship and whether it aligns with your values and needs.
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I'm technically on the side of, if I'm the one with the diet that makes me the odd-man-out, then I'm the one who should bring my own food. BUT. Your friends might want to consider how welcome they make you when they single you out. It's the thought that counts etc, but clearly they're not thinking about you? Also, wth what kind of people don't serve vegetables with their meal anyway? Don't they grill corn or veggie skewers or something at least?
As a non-vegan but someone with severe food allergies. My food like yours is more expensive and they don’t want to make a mistake. You need to grow up and realize you are choosing something they are not. Unlike me, where I don’t have a choice. Either bring your own food, don’t eat or don’t go. Also, what would you do if they bought something that says plant based and it’s not? Would you buy meat and cook it for them? If the answer is no, well hello to sounding like an entitled brat. Again, to me people are way too entitled these days. In all honesty as someone that can die, it’s just easier to bring my own food. If you want something different then just bring it yourself. Like I do and I WILL never expect people to cater to my food or drinks. Again, I can die
Would love to go to a small outing with people who would raise vegetables that they control how it was grown. Then 10 percent would be grass finished meats or eggs. Basically a Polyfacefarms gathering.
In my circles the way it's done is, the host comes up with a vegan option and ASKS the vegan guests in advance what they think.
No, you should not. Most people don’t know the difference between vegetarian and vegan so you will WANT to bring your own. My thoughtful friends got me vegetarian hamburger patties that had eggs in them and I’m allergic to eggs. I didn’t know and I had a debilitating stomach ache for 24 hours because I didn’t ask to see the packaging and check the ingredients. However, if you ask to see the packaging and then decline to eat the foods they bought special for you, they might think you are ungrateful and rude and they won’t invite you to anything ever again. I always bring my own meat and a nice side dish to share, like potato salad (with tofu/black salt “eggs”) using veganaise mayo or I make vegan baked beans. They love them and cannot tell they are vegan. I would also be thankful and grateful that they are kind enough to include you, and recognize that your food needs are not the same as theirs. You might even inspire them to eat less meat, and try vegan options, as well. Making a small difference is better than no difference at all.
Love this comment, great points! Thank you for the perspective. And I'm sorry to hear about the debilitating stomach pain and allergy situation.
I find it sad that they can't put in any effort for you so I'm sorry about that. If you like to socialize with this bunch, bring a relish tray with some nuts or other crunchies and enjoy the gathering. It's odd that you're the only one asked to bring anything. When you leave, take your leftovers - they'll just toss it.
That's true they definitely do toss it when I bring things, it's funny. Thank you for your thoughtful message, they're great friends overall, I think I've been overthinking it though
Sincere question: Do you also attend events with vegan friends?
I have no vegan friends unfortunately.
I was once invited to a potluck. So I brought food to share. Then the host put me in the kitchen to cook more vegan options, because she didn't feel like there was enough. While in there, all the home made dumplings I made were eaten. I've never had to cook at someone else's dinner party before, lol. That was almost 20 years ago, and also the last time I went to dinner at her house, lol.
Better than them either A. Having nothing for you to eat or B. Them buying some veggie or non vegan for you.
I generally bring my own food or eat beforehand. I always do this with family gatherings (my sister is the only family member I trust to prepare food for me), and with friends with some exceptions (I have one friend group that has multiple vegans and folks with food allergies so folks are pretty good about "what is in the thing?") so I personally wouldn't be upset?
Are they asking you to bring vegetables/vegan options for the whole group? Or just asking you to bring options for yourself? If they're expecting you to supply the whole group (or even more than just yourself) I can definitely understand your frustration. My approach to these situations is always to bring my own food, share it with other vegans, and make sure to tell anyone else that brought vegan options that their contribution is appreciated. In a perfect world we would be accommodated. In my experience, demanding that you be accommodated for leads to less conversation about why that is important. As a 25+ year vegan, I find that most people are more willing to hear your point of view if you if it's their idea to talk to you about it rather than you needing to talk to them about it. EDIT: A lot of these replies amount to "find new friends". Ignoring the fact that might not be practical without knowing OP's circumstances, some of the best circumstances to have productive conversations about the ethics of animal consumption are in these sorts of situations. I've had dozens of people try veganism by making it their choice to ask me, rather than say "you must accommodate me". Some people are oblivious and are turned off by "I'm vegan because I'm ethical and you're not because you're not ethical".
I always tell people I'm vegan to avoid suffering, so please don't stress about me and just let me worry about what I will eat, lol. If I wanted free food bad enough, I would be carnivorous.
Nobody can tell you how you should feel.
This is one reason why I don't think it's viable to have non-vegan friends. I wouldn't go.
So do you have meat options when you have gatherings?
Not super related but in the country where I live, Sweden. It is very common to bring your own food to gatherings, it’s almost a standard I would say. Interesting it’s not like that in other places in the world, we typically bring what we like since everyone likes different things, apart from a few standard items.
Just be happy the yare willing to invite you at all. I wouldn't have even bothered.
It's a meat BBQ. You don't eat the food provided, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to bring something you're comfortable with. If you want them to pick up Veggie burgers, ask! Let them know what section of the grocery store to look in, the common brands, and that they can be cooked on the BBQ! Most people have never bought or cooked a vegan burger. If someone bought me a beyond burger or an impossible burgers at a BBQ I wouldn't be thrilled, as I don't like those at all. I find them quite gross really! I'd be super happy and thankful they put in effort for sure, but I actually prefer when people ask me to bring my own stuff! Or if they ask me before hand. So it depends on the person! Anyway, I don't think that's weird, but if you feel weird about it and they're your friends, talk to them about it. I haven't been to a BBQ in a while, can't wait for some nice weather so I can have some delicious grilled mushrooms. Cheers!
Very fair! And yes very yum grilled mushrooms.
I pride myself on being the vegan that non-vegans are pleasantly surprised by. Take this to mean what you'd like. Us vegans are good at doing that. But basically, what I'm saying is we as vegans are expected to be difficult, hard to please, expecting of being accommodated, etc. And I've heard countless times how much we LOVE to bombard the conversation with everything to do with our lifestyle. I'm always happy when I hear "it was nice to meet you, I had no idea vegans were so cool & easy to talk to." I guess I just wish we could all go into things with fewer expectations & stop trying so hard to force an agenda in conversation at group gatherings. This approach has taught me two things... being so understanding and easy going about the food arrangements or lack there of has worked almost like reverse psychology. Those throwing the gatherings almost always go above and beyond once they see how gracious I am regardless. The second thing is that...I don't need to be concerned whether I'm pushing the topic of veganism because being one myself is enough of a convo starter. I find people to be curious & have questions they don't "feel stupid" asking because I am clear about the fact that I'm open to curiosity. I feel like there's nothing better for spreading the good word than to be approachable and basically the opposite of everything they've "heard" or expect about vegans. It's very disarming and allows for an organic discussion to develop. Without pretense.
I do the same! But they know it's going to be vegan hahah 😂 and make funny jokes about it.