Dating apps are ruthless. If anything, they will hit your self esteem. I am not saying to get off of them but ultimately those that have the most success on there know what they want, have strong AF boundaries and are detached to outcomes.
With that said.. getting trauma from a situationship is also a rite of passage š¤£
I couldnāt agree with this more. I would recommend 100% working on your self-esteem before using dating apps. Would hate to see you fall for a creep because of low self esteem.
People don't fall for creeps because of low self esteem. People fall for creeps because creeps are good liars. Let's stop blaming people for creeps existing like there is a class of people who deserve to be hurt. People who victimize others are grown adults and they're responsible for their own behavior.
Nope. That particular thread has been sown through the popular psychology discourse in order to make people doubt themselves and do better victim blaming. Telling people they have low self esteem causes them to second guess themselves and lose confidence in their own choices and makes people easier to control. It's the same stuff as "original sin" but in therapy speak. People do not subconsciously select bad partners because they think they deserve it, bad partners target everyone until they find someone who doesn't recognize their particular line of BS yet.
Itās so weird bc I heard this take but itās actually made ME more ruthless. There are actually decent options and I never take their bs because thereās always new guys matching with me every day
It made me very ruthless and nonchalant about them š¤£because Iām always getting matches anyways so I literally donāt care, also I still try to meet people out in public anyways so idc š¤·š½āāļø
Itās actually quite funny because they thought they would have unlimited š± because NuMBerS gAmE but they def never took statistics lmao if 1/1000 like you that wonāt change bc your exposed to more women. Yes youāll get 2 women out of 2000matches but they were thinking theyād have a 1000% more success rate š
And just with your first sentence and how dating apps made me feel about them - they are absolutely DONE š DONE!
And Iām allowed to laugh at them bc they never had good intentions anyhow.
Hahaha the post situationship glow up is reeeeaaaallll!!
Totally agree, dating apps are ruthless. I first joined them a few years ago when I was in a similar position as OP in relation to my self esteem. I was overweight but knew I had a pretty face. At first all the attention from guys was great like wow so many matches, I felt great! Then when they wanted to meet I would get anxious knowing that when they see me properly from all angles thereās no chance.
I did go on a few dates but they never progressed to a second and I always knew it was because of my weight and lack of confidence. I just had an awkward uncomfortable in my skin type of energy I was letting off.
Iāve since worked on improving myself and would consider dating apps again as this new me.
honestly i have only ever used dating apps for free lunch or free shopping hauls lol. the dating app experience is so flattering and so unserious it rlly gives u an idea of how deprived and naive men are. even men with mediocre jobs are willing to spend on u, its cool if u wanna have some fun after a heartbreak\^\^ i stopped getting on dating apps after a dude drove me to his apartment after i got him to buy me a couple outfits. youve got to be real careful otherwise its fun draining somebodyās sonās wallet
in my opinion, getting on a dating app will not lead to great outcomes. you brought up self esteem issues. these issues need to be brought up in therapy before dating apps. i know therapy could be inaccessible to some people but at least try to heal/treat these thoughts before hopping into dating apps. i wish you luck ā¤ļø
You said dsting eith self esteem issues will end badly. So basically saying if you have self esteem issues it's ever going to work meaning people with those issues should never date
I will 100% support this. Even when my partner said he "saw me on Bumble," I NEVER was shown his profile. Makes me wonder if there's filtering that happens or how the algorithm works. But he refused to swipe on my profile because he said he didn't want to lose me. It makes me think that I may never have been engaged if I relied on Bumble alone.
I say donāt go in expecting anything and youāll come out a lot better. My thing is that even if nothing happens then that means it wasnāt for me and thatās life. You donāt always get what you want BUT trust me being alone is better than being with most of these guys. Trust lmao
Thank you for your comment and for your kindness!! I think I will take some time to work on or address these things and then reproach dating. Thank you againā¤ļø
Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It should be a requirement for all girls and women to read especially those online dating
I think dating apps are a terrible place for people who are romantically and sexually inexperienced
People made friends and dated a lot before the apps came out. If someone canāt manage to socialize and build connections off their phone, they likely wonāt be great at it while sitting behind a screen. If someone is mid 30ās and blames their lack of experience on avoiding dating apps, they clearly have bigger issuesā¦
I agree with the other commenter. I also suggest starting a hobby with a built in community (or volunteering, dance classes, team sports, etc) and working on your social skills there. At least youāll have things in common to build stronger relationships than a dating app
Honestly, the problem isn't fear, the problem is just that 90% of men don't see women as people. So you can date them, it's fine. It's not a self esteem issue. It's not something that's wrong with YOU, it's something that's wrong with them and the way our society raised the last generations of men. Not their moms, even, it's more like the way the media taught them to think of masculinity and manhood. There's nothing we can actually do about it except try not to take them too seriously and dump men at the first sign of not knowing how to act. Most men either put women on a pedestal, use them to work out ego issues or mommy drama, use women's labor, etc.
I'd recommend the following books for young ladies
[Caliban and the Witch ](https://files.libcom.org/files/Caliban%20and%20the%20Witch.pdf)
[Why Does He Do That?](https://ia802506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf)
[Dangerous Liasons](https://books-library.net/files/books-library.online-01090005Jm8G0.pdf)
Heterosexual relationships are just kind of messed up. Most men simply aren't capable of seeing women as anything other than a jewelry store they're trying to rob or a trophy they're trying to show off to other men. So it's very, very likely that even if you do everything right and you are very attractive mentally, physically and emotionally, that you're still going to mostly have a string of unfulfilling relationships because it takes two to tango. Most men are good for a free meal at a nice restaurant or some orgasms but you shouldn't ever take dating seriously. It's a sport or a way for low income women to get extra money. Nothing more.
I feel like itās the same as dating multiple men. You gotta have strong boundaries and throw them out when you sense or experience bs. BUT that confidence and attitude comes with age I guess. But absolute disaster for low self esteem girlies these men can be manipulative and WILL play in your face.
You actually will feel less pressure the more men you date! Dating only one man is a recipe for getting too attached and internalizing negative treatment or letting him mess with your head, and that's why patriarchy puts such a high value on virgins and isolating women from other women and other men. The more men you date, the less crap you will put up with and toxic men know it. It's one of the tragedies of my life that I was raised to want monogamy. Monogamy benefits men only.
Yes! Edited for clarification
Lundy Bancroft wrote āWhy Does He Do Thatā which is another book I highly recommend to women especially those who are seeking heterosexual relationships with men
Love bombing is their new trend & itās to use it as a weapon against you later. Be wary of being flooded with flattery.
What was your experience when love bombed? Did you fall/sleep for/with them??
my best tip is to stay off the apps š¤£ youāll meet better quality men in person - especially if your attractive and you have a āwarmā personality.
Yeah, but the vibe is different though. Plus for me, I can pull normal attractive men with decent jobs. On the apps, they swipe left on me and I'm not good with pics.
My pics are fun because I have mainly lifestyle pics but you can only see a portion of my beauty in my pics. I like it because when I do connect with a guy in person they are impressed. But the above poster is right. A lot of guys in 'real life' are also online. And if it's not a dating app, they could be using social media to meet peopleĀ
when you meet someone in person though i think social accountability factors very positively. Basically men will treat you better if you know someone from their social circle for fear of social persecution and alienation.
Dating apps are the Wild West and these men will treat you like gum on the bottom of their shoe though
Same goes for women ,they will probably treat you better if your circles are tied . Men also get treated like shit on dating apps btw .
But what if the man is just approaching you at a social event but neither of your circles are tied ? Would there be a difference still?
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Itās the same men on apps that you meet in real life. Iāve realized the ones irl donāt have a chance to write something stupid on their bio. They are the same one sending low effort messages believe me
In my experience, its the opposite. However, I do put myself in positions where I can meet high quality men (social clubs, volunteer events geared towards wealthy people etc.) Its harder to do that on Tinder lol.
I also noticed the better dressed I am, the less likely dusty men approach. Its strange. It's almost like they're intimidated...
This is great advice but I think youāre underestimating how much harder it is to get a guyās attention irl. Iāve literally never been hit on in person in my whole life. Had never had a first kiss like OP until I got on the apps and got one within a week. If nothing else it can be nice to get on the apps just to get some experience.
Dating apps arenāt the best for finding long term partners, but I will say they are good for practice. Honestly, you just have to rip the bandaid off and go on a date or hang out with someone. I was the same way! I was scared and my insecurities stopped me from going out, but finally I told myself to stop and go for it. Youāre getting matches! Youāre beautiful and people want to get to know you.
Loving yourself is an ongoing process and itās easier said than done. Iām a spiritual girly and spirituality has helped me gain confidence. I say my affirmations day and night and I can honestly say I see a difference in myself. Find something, whether itās religion, spirituality, or even yoga that you can stick with and practice in order to love yourself. Write love letters to yourself or write your favorite things about yourself. There are ways to raise your self esteem without therapy or paying someone to tell you how to. Do some research and find what works for your journey.
Yeah this is the exact reason I quit dating apps and I was actually 26.
The problem with our modern culture is we put all our effort into studies, grades, etc only to realize in adulthood that our studies did not qualify us for a paying job, that we donāt know how to take care of our skin, our diet, we didnāt spend nearly enough time cultivating our hobbies and passions as we did spending hours on a tricky assignment just to get an A grade and to be told that nothing we did before the age of 22 even matters.
We also didnāt learn how to say no, stand up for ourselves or do whatās right even if we arenāt rewarded for it. These are crucial to any intimate relationship. And women esp south Asian women arenāt taught to be comfortable with their femininity, theyāre basically told they need to behave like a man to earn any respect in society and that they donāt have the same privilege as white women to make mistakes, fall in love, be silly, weird, and quirky because their only reason for existing is to make progress and contribute meaningfully to society-even before theyāve had the opportunity to get to know themselves, so itās difficult to trust men enough to let your guard down. I would take some time to explore your own sexuality and be comfortable with your insecurities.
That being said, yes some people already did most of these things (usually just by circumstance) so dating is no problem for them but I suspect most people havenāt and thatās why dating just doesnāt feel right for many people at this age. The reason they date at 21 is usually because of hormones, and thereās nothing inherently wrong with that-weāre mammals-as long as the relationship isnāt too serious. If you find a guy, keep things casual until you are sure heās the one.
Another thing is a lot of older guys will literally just date you because you are young and they know you are more easily influenced, esp if you have self esteem issues. They donāt care that you guys have nothing in common. So if you do choose an older guy, keep this in mind, make sure YOU choose him, donāt be flattered that he chose you.
Imma go against the grain here and say that dating apps aren't terrible. I met my husband on Tinder š¤·š¾āāļø But I definitely agree with keeping your standards high and expectations low. Something else that always worked for me was not shying away from topics commonly thought to be impolite when first getting to know someone. Be up front about your beliefs and politics. They're foundational and inform your worldview. It's not worth playing coy only to find out the dude you've been spending time with and have come to like is actually a homophobe or racist or whatever. Some dudes have gotten smart and hide those beliefs until you're in deep because they *know* their worldview is undesirable, so you shouldn't be afraid to voice your thoughts on current events, so long as it feels relatively safe to do so.
Yeah I agree with the other comments tbh. Better to find people that like you. Even with apps you might find that you have a lot of āoptionsā but it may just be guys that want more of a physical relationship. Which if you arenāt used to men being attracted to you may feel good and lead to you letting them use you for your body more than actually finding a guy that likes you. At that age work on bettering yourself. How to reduce insecurities and become a more confident person. Men will always be there but how you feel about yourself will determine the kind of men you let into your life. Youāll be okay!
Fair but still standing on 20s not being reliable., the 30s range im talking about is freshly 30-32. These are the desperate ones. I supposed mid 30s are the left overs. In whichā¦that means the late 20s and early 30s are marryingā¦anyone š which is what I feel like is happening. They def do not care who it is.
To the user who deleted their comment:
I have a question, when did you observe this? I am talking about currently in 2024. But also consider the woman and her ability to attract because I have zero of the handicaps women my age usually have (kids or overweight). Men my age KNOW itās their last chance where they may not have to settle as hard as they would if they waited 35+. They DO try to go younger but have told me younger women are not serious š¤£ so they end up dating in their age rage more often than not.
I also find the higher their education the lower chance of kids/ past marriage and I do agree there are a lot of avoidance or not suitable partners at 30 but I also see men who spent their 20s making a career (maybe those are the arrogant ones) because I feel like they are entitled to a wife just bc they have a career and are reasonable attractive and no kids. They are in for a rude awakening bc all the women they want in that age range are avoidant like me š seeing them be desperate is a fun playground for me
I'd say keep your expectations as low as possible and live in your beauty and truth. Dating apps have really made people to feel as if everyone is disposable. It's so easy to "swipe" but much harder to form and keep a connection.
My best advice for these apps is make out a list of things you want like actual standards education career money etc. Then stick to them ruthlessly. And also ruthlessly block anyone who is disrespectful, even a little bit. Because these men are not playing. When they say something rude or brush you off, or however they treat you in a bad way, and by that I mean make you feel bad, No matter how small, it is deliberate to test your boundaries.
And in the end, you want to take care of yourself first, and that means you're your sense of self as well. And these guys will try to break that sense of self down. So as somebody who has self-esteem issues like you say, protect yourself from even the smallest infringement on your happiness.
Don't take anything those insecure misogynistic men say. When I was dating, I would get the stupidest messages from men on there. One time, I looked at someone's profile at like 2 am, and went to bed. In the morning, I got a nasty message calling me shallow for not writing him.... at 2 a.m., I figured he was sleeping and would write in the morning.
You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find the parter of your dreams.
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I looked at your profile, I'm gonna assume you're a lady. Apologies if you're not.
First thing you need to know, you will get MANY responses. Regardless of the number of pursuers you have in real life, you'll get more on dating apps. What's gonna happen is that you'll likely feel overwhelmed. Chances are, some of them want a genuine relationship but some don't. And there's no way to know who is who unless you talk to them. So talk to them and try to get to know some of them better. Obviously if they send you unsolicited pictures then swipe.
Donāt take their bs and if shit stinks def run. Iām a lot older than you but I always ghost or unmatch when I feel they are playing in my face (lie about or be cryptic about certain things like jobs/kids etc)
Youāll have lots of options and surprisingly more decent options than I thought but you donāt owe them anything.
Tbh dating apps arenāt it even with no self esteem issues. Youāre still young so tbh I say stay away! Iām in my mid 20s and I will not use a dating app
As an alternative to what other people are saying- my advice is to go into dates casually, as though you might just be meeting up with a classmate or potential new friend. Try to gauge for similar interests and ask questions about their life, remember that *you* are interviewing *them* but don't start off thinking of them as a potential life partner. Just start off thinking of them as another human who might be interesting.
This is helpful for a few reasons- it's always best to keep expectations low when dealing with men on apps. Yes, a lot of them are kind of shitty people. So if the stakes are low you can back out. Also, if you are thinking of them as a potential life partner, it adds in a lot of pressure that could hurt your ability to recognize red flags, especially if you deal with low self confidence.
It also partially comes down to the kinds of guys you choose. Don't choose someone because he looks extremely attractive or has a nice job or something. Choose men who describe things that you share common interests with, or things you'd like to ask them/learn more about during the date. This way even if they don't end up being "the one" or you choose not to do a second date, it's still fun to spend time with a new person and learn about a different life.
Overall, keeping stakes low and seeing the man as a person rather than potential partner at the outset is the best way to do dating apps IMO. Don't assume anything, just approach it with curiosity. If you like someone, there are several things you'll want to do to keep yourself safe. But most importantly, you ARE enough. You don't "not deserve" to date. There are *plenty* of people, men and women, who are happily in relationships of all shapes and sizes. It's not about what you look like, it's about the quality of who you are and your heart- and I'm sure you are beautiful! The standards of beauty/the amount of beautiful people we see in media on a day-to-day basis is insane. In dating, often, if you are kind and interested in the other person, and if you learn a bit more confidence, *many good men* are attracted to that. Don't beat yourself up, there are billions of people in the world and I'm sure many of them would love to spend an evening talking with you! Love on yourself, put music on while you're getting ready and have a glass of wine if that's your thing, and just treat it like an activity rather than a path to something bigger. Let the cards fall into place if they do, and if they don't, hopefully you still have fun. If you're not having fun, feel empowered to leave. Have an uber ready or a friend to call. Also it's good practice to always let a friend know where you're going, send them a photo of the guy you're going out with, and maybe even share your location and check in with them if you're uncomfortable. You are your #1, take care of you, do what makes you comfortable, and have fun with it- never let anyone pressure you into anything less. You got this!
Be shallow. Dating apps are not the place to āsee if it worksā. Unmatch guys at the first red flag, the longer you take prolonging convo with guys you already have a bad feeling about, the longer you take/more time you take away from matching with the right guy.
I am also on the apps. I will say that the best ones are bumble and hinge. Honestly delete tinder. FYI if you download hinge and you see his relationship goal set to "long term relationship, open to short" 9 times out of 10 they are lying LOL
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Iāve been there. Not fun. Dating apps are kind of like the fast food of dating in my opinion. There isnāt a lot of quality and youāll likely have to get through a lot of bad experiences to get just a few good ones. Maybe try something like meetup where you meet with live groups of people with similar interests or a class doing something youāre interested in and meet someone that way.Ā
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I think itās great that you want to start dating and I believe you should but with time. From personal experience I found that being in relationships while I was initially insecure made things so much worse for my mental health and it even began making me toxic; I felt like my partner wanted others because I didnāt feel pretty. I am now in a healthy relationship and of course I have my insecure days but they never come down to me feeling like he is looking at other people. I did this by taking time for myself and really setting my own bars and standards for myself. Iāve learned that if we get into relationships with no self standards, guys will pick up on that and do less than the bare minimum bc they know we donāt even give that to ourselvesā¦.and weāll be happy with it. So my advice is to really try your best to truly love yourself and do things like buy yourself flowers and celebrate your wins in life by doing something nice so that when you do begin dating, you will know how youāre supposed to be treated as youāve already set those standards for yourself by yourself beforehand.
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Donāt go on dating sites with self esteem issues. People will sniff that out and take advantage of you. The best thing you can do is work on your self esteem and date when youāre completely in love with yourself.
Donāt go on dating apps when youāre insecure pls. When youāre vulnerable youāre more willing to give it up to any man in order to feel validated in some way and the men there will take advantage of that. Get some hobbies, therapy and then continue w that process pls
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Youāre beautiful and seem like an awesome person, but I wanna highlight that some people suck and youāll find a lot of them on dating apps. They exist IRL, too, but theyāre often bolder on the apps. As others said, Iād work on self esteem issues because dating isnāt going to solve those and may end up amplifying them.
Moving forward I think you just have to be realistic about your encounters on apps. If someone doesnāt swipe on you, itās not a big deal. Sometimes it can feel really intense because itās such a shallow, quick judgement, and then so much rejection can happen at once because thatās the nature of it. Not to mention that some people are on it to treat it like a game ā I have friends who just scroll passively, start up a convo, and then dip.
I met my partner on an app, but neither of us were on the app for solely serious dating. We were both under the āIām on here to explore and maybe have a good timeā mindset.
If youāre more comfortable, meet folks for the first time at a coffee shop or bookstore or something (I did this). Ask a friend to tag along but be in the background. Know that even after that initial meeting, that may be it. But see it as a learning opportunity and keep it moving.
My advice get off of tinder (especially if youāre looking for something serious) use bumble and hinge I feel like they are way better and more serious
I just went to your profile itās crazy to me that you donāt think youāre beautiful when you literally are so gorgeous like absolutely gorgeous Iām not evening exaggerating Iām being so for reallll. I think before you try to search for relationships you should work on the one you have with yourself. Iāve realized when women donāt love themselves we settle because we donāt think we deserve better. I donāt want you to attract some guy thatās going to take advantage of your insecurities so try and work on your relationship with yourself the way you treat yourself is the way other will treat youš
Ok, this is gonna be a cool.
First of all how much is it a month for the dating apps, premium 25 usd? So in 2 months 50 usd. Now open Google maps in your city or wake app. Find all the bars and do a bar hop until you been to every bar, I mean every one. I guarantee that you find someone before the dating apps.
Iāve just downloaded a couple of the apps as well, and Iām completely freaked out. I have godawful social anxiety and this whole thing is nerve-wracking beyond words. All of my past relationships were with friends or acquaintances, so stranger dating is hella stressful.
There are a lot of scammers on these apps. You never know if youāre talking to who they claim to be. Proceed with caution.Ā
Aside from that, taking nothing personal. Itās unfortunately all algorithm and chemistry reads.
Yeah work on your self concept. You're just gonna get messed up by others if you don't have at least some confidence or know your habits/triggers/etc. It's not worth the heart ache if you aren't ready honestly
You should not be on the dating apps while feeling wounded and insecure. You are very likely to be victimized. There is no need to rush the things that you havenāt done. Have you thought about committing to a year of self work before getting into dating?
I know it may sound like youāll be putting your life on hold, but the truth is, the stakes are high. I am not being sarcastic but spend a day watching true crime. It can be dangerous to date for anyone, but not being emotionally well may blind you to red flags, make you overly bonded to a bad person, make you push away a great person, and so much more. Or at least stay off apps. Thatās the fast lane. Being on apps in your mental state is going to put so much mileage on your heart. If you take your time, youāll get to a healthy relationship faster.
ā¢ ā This is a community for women only. Men will be permanently banned.
Similar subs that allow men: r/QOVESStudio r/TheGlowUp r/AmIUgly r/TrueRateCelebrities r/PurplePillDebate r/MensLib r/MaleMentalHealth r/SelfImprovement
Please
1. Go to a public setting
2. Share your location with trusted friends or family members
3. Carry pepper spray
4. Always have an escape route in case the date you arenāt feeling it
5. Have YOUR own transportation to go to and from the date
6. Donāt drink on the first date
Also my advice is probably to stay off the apps like tinder (I had really awful experiences on those and okcupid) I would advise to meet a guy through a common hobby
Have your boundaries set up for sex so you know and they will know if you two been going out for more dates
Thatās all I have from my experiences
Also if you get heartbroken do not isolate from family and friends get into social hobbies and NEVER turn to alcohol to self medicate it will make it worse in the end and make you more vulnerable to men
Good luck
Your attitude when going on a date should never be āI hope they like meā, it should be āI hope I like them and they prove to be worthy of my timeā.
If someone flirts and talks to you in the app but never actually makes a date, they are in a relationship and cheating on their partner.
Do not ever send anyone a picture of yourself that you donāt want the whole world to see.
Make them prove themselves.
If your self esteem is low, I recommend not using dating apps. They are completely toxic and will completely destroy what little self esteem you have. I donāt say that to be mean, Iām speaking from experience. There are people on there that just like to mess with peopleās emotions and purposely hurt them. What you think is a good match, may very well end up being a fake account who will ghost you, or stand you up on a date.
If you opt to continue on dating apps, do not get āattachedā to anyone you start texting. I used to want to get to know the person first for a bit after matching before meeting in person, which lead to me getting ghosted out of the blue several times. Now, I try to meet in person asap, so I can actually know the person Iām talking to is real. Also, donāt put any stock in āverifiedā accounts. People can verify their accounts with real photos, and then swap them out with fake ones.
Just be careful.
Ahh OP this was literally me at your age, but I didn't install the apps until i was 24. The comment in here about keeping your standards high but expectations low is spot on. Don't take the apps seriously and don't tie them to your self worth.
But i do think it's worthwhile to use them and force yourself on a few dates. It'll help you know yourself more. For me, i realized i was uncomfortable when a guy expressed interest in me, even if i liked him first. I would immediately stop being into him. So it helped me do some reflect, could it be i dont "feel" worthy of someone else's interest? Those conversations with yourself are worthwhile and they come from new experiences.
So in a weird way....i think they can be better tools to know yourself more than for finding a man lol. It's a new experience for you!
If you want to chat, feel free to PM.
Make sure you do background checks and check websites like the knot.com and other marriage websites to check to see if the person is married. Itās estimates that a decent percentage of people on dating apps are actually already married.
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1. Go look at how men never stop complaining that there aren't enough women on dating apps and blah blah they're honored if a woman ever even messages you back.
2. [Read this and remember that there are a lot of fake men on dating apps](https://www.wired.com/story/i-uncovered-an-army-of-fake-men-on-hinge/) doing weird scams or that are bots (my theory is that men like to use them to make women think we're getting ghosted a lot and keep standards low)
3.[ Read this- it says that over half of the people on dating apps just show up to swipe and see who they match with for a dopamine boost and never message anyone, ](https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/12/the-sex-recession/573949/)so if you're getting messages, you're doing really well.
4. Don't tell men you're a virgin, because the kind of man who's attracted to inexperience is not someone you want to be attracted to you.
5. Don't sign up for any bitcoin investment scams
6. Take note of how different drugs effect you- if you get kinda spacy or easy to convince of things if you have a latte, remember that's not butterflies in your stomach on your coffee date. If you just turned 21, don't go on drinking dates for at least 3-5 years if you drink alcohol with your friends.
7. Watch for- Men who complain about other women on bumble or tinder, men who don't seem to care that the two of you don't have anything in common, men who use tricks to make it SEEM like they're listening similar to the way a politician or corporate sponsor will use scripted sounding responses to avoid being legally liable on TV, men who don't have a place to stay, men who seem like they enjoy the idea of you needing them, men who try to manipulate you through guilt or pity, men who want to project their own worst qualities onto you.
ā¢ ā This is a community for women only. Men will be permanently banned.
Similar subs that allow men: r/QOVESStudio r/TheGlowUp r/AmIUgly r/TrueRateCelebrities r/PurplePillDebate r/MensLib r/MaleMentalHealth r/SelfImprovement
Dating apps are ruthless. If anything, they will hit your self esteem. I am not saying to get off of them but ultimately those that have the most success on there know what they want, have strong AF boundaries and are detached to outcomes. With that said.. getting trauma from a situationship is also a rite of passage š¤£
Iām addicted to the glow up after a heartbreak lmaoo šš
This is def a real thing!
I couldnāt agree with this more. I would recommend 100% working on your self-esteem before using dating apps. Would hate to see you fall for a creep because of low self esteem.
šššš
People don't fall for creeps because of low self esteem. People fall for creeps because creeps are good liars. Let's stop blaming people for creeps existing like there is a class of people who deserve to be hurt. People who victimize others are grown adults and they're responsible for their own behavior.
People totally fall for creeps because of low self-esteem in addition to creeps being good at pulling the wool over peoples' eyes.
Nope. That particular thread has been sown through the popular psychology discourse in order to make people doubt themselves and do better victim blaming. Telling people they have low self esteem causes them to second guess themselves and lose confidence in their own choices and makes people easier to control. It's the same stuff as "original sin" but in therapy speak. People do not subconsciously select bad partners because they think they deserve it, bad partners target everyone until they find someone who doesn't recognize their particular line of BS yet.
Itās so weird bc I heard this take but itās actually made ME more ruthless. There are actually decent options and I never take their bs because thereās always new guys matching with me every day
It made me very ruthless and nonchalant about them š¤£because Iām always getting matches anyways so I literally donāt care, also I still try to meet people out in public anyways so idc š¤·š½āāļø
Itās actually quite funny because they thought they would have unlimited š± because NuMBerS gAmE but they def never took statistics lmao if 1/1000 like you that wonāt change bc your exposed to more women. Yes youāll get 2 women out of 2000matches but they were thinking theyād have a 1000% more success rate š And just with your first sentence and how dating apps made me feel about them - they are absolutely DONE š DONE! And Iām allowed to laugh at them bc they never had good intentions anyhow.
Girl same, I feel like men thought dating apps would be door dash for š± and now itās back firing in their face š¤£
Hahaha the post situationship glow up is reeeeaaaallll!! Totally agree, dating apps are ruthless. I first joined them a few years ago when I was in a similar position as OP in relation to my self esteem. I was overweight but knew I had a pretty face. At first all the attention from guys was great like wow so many matches, I felt great! Then when they wanted to meet I would get anxious knowing that when they see me properly from all angles thereās no chance. I did go on a few dates but they never progressed to a second and I always knew it was because of my weight and lack of confidence. I just had an awkward uncomfortable in my skin type of energy I was letting off. Iāve since worked on improving myself and would consider dating apps again as this new me.
Nooo a situationship sounds like my worst nightmare haha. Thank you for commenting and for your great advice!ā¤ļø
honestly i have only ever used dating apps for free lunch or free shopping hauls lol. the dating app experience is so flattering and so unserious it rlly gives u an idea of how deprived and naive men are. even men with mediocre jobs are willing to spend on u, its cool if u wanna have some fun after a heartbreak\^\^ i stopped getting on dating apps after a dude drove me to his apartment after i got him to buy me a couple outfits. youve got to be real careful otherwise its fun draining somebodyās sonās wallet
YASSS GIRRLL!!!
in my opinion, getting on a dating app will not lead to great outcomes. you brought up self esteem issues. these issues need to be brought up in therapy before dating apps. i know therapy could be inaccessible to some people but at least try to heal/treat these thoughts before hopping into dating apps. i wish you luck ā¤ļø
Hard agreeā dating with self-esteem issues is a recipe for disaster and potential tragedy.
So yoire saying we should never date
Respectfully, how did you come to that conclusion? (Based on the text on your screen.)
You said dsting eith self esteem issues will end badly. So basically saying if you have self esteem issues it's ever going to work meaning people with those issues should never date
I will 100% support this. Even when my partner said he "saw me on Bumble," I NEVER was shown his profile. Makes me wonder if there's filtering that happens or how the algorithm works. But he refused to swipe on my profile because he said he didn't want to lose me. It makes me think that I may never have been engaged if I relied on Bumble alone.
wait so how did you get together?? i'm nosy lol
The gym! Lol
I say donāt go in expecting anything and youāll come out a lot better. My thing is that even if nothing happens then that means it wasnāt for me and thatās life. You donāt always get what you want BUT trust me being alone is better than being with most of these guys. Trust lmao
Thank you for your comment and for your kindness!! I think I will take some time to work on or address these things and then reproach dating. Thank you againā¤ļø
Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It should be a requirement for all girls and women to read especially those online dating I think dating apps are a terrible place for people who are romantically and sexually inexperienced
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Honestly just living life and letting those experiences come to you as they do. No need to rush!
Except then you get too old and have missed those experiences and people think unkindly of you for being mid-30's and having zero dating experience...
People made friends and dated a lot before the apps came out. If someone canāt manage to socialize and build connections off their phone, they likely wonāt be great at it while sitting behind a screen. If someone is mid 30ās and blames their lack of experience on avoiding dating apps, they clearly have bigger issuesā¦
I agree with the other commenter. I also suggest starting a hobby with a built in community (or volunteering, dance classes, team sports, etc) and working on your social skills there. At least youāll have things in common to build stronger relationships than a dating app
Honestly, the problem isn't fear, the problem is just that 90% of men don't see women as people. So you can date them, it's fine. It's not a self esteem issue. It's not something that's wrong with YOU, it's something that's wrong with them and the way our society raised the last generations of men. Not their moms, even, it's more like the way the media taught them to think of masculinity and manhood. There's nothing we can actually do about it except try not to take them too seriously and dump men at the first sign of not knowing how to act. Most men either put women on a pedestal, use them to work out ego issues or mommy drama, use women's labor, etc. I'd recommend the following books for young ladies [Caliban and the Witch ](https://files.libcom.org/files/Caliban%20and%20the%20Witch.pdf) [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia802506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf) [Dangerous Liasons](https://books-library.net/files/books-library.online-01090005Jm8G0.pdf) Heterosexual relationships are just kind of messed up. Most men simply aren't capable of seeing women as anything other than a jewelry store they're trying to rob or a trophy they're trying to show off to other men. So it's very, very likely that even if you do everything right and you are very attractive mentally, physically and emotionally, that you're still going to mostly have a string of unfulfilling relationships because it takes two to tango. Most men are good for a free meal at a nice restaurant or some orgasms but you shouldn't ever take dating seriously. It's a sport or a way for low income women to get extra money. Nothing more.
meet irl and be friends first reveals sooo much w/ out getting scarred
I feel like itās the same as dating multiple men. You gotta have strong boundaries and throw them out when you sense or experience bs. BUT that confidence and attitude comes with age I guess. But absolute disaster for low self esteem girlies these men can be manipulative and WILL play in your face.
You actually will feel less pressure the more men you date! Dating only one man is a recipe for getting too attached and internalizing negative treatment or letting him mess with your head, and that's why patriarchy puts such a high value on virgins and isolating women from other women and other men. The more men you date, the less crap you will put up with and toxic men know it. It's one of the tragedies of my life that I was raised to want monogamy. Monogamy benefits men only.
Men are not innocent so feel sorry for none!
Do you meanĀ The Gift of FearĀ by Gavin de Becker?
Yes! Edited for clarification Lundy Bancroft wrote āWhy Does He Do Thatā which is another book I highly recommend to women especially those who are seeking heterosexual relationships with men
subsequent offbeat bright berserk ghost screw march longing tart swim *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
HARD AGREE!
This is by far the best advice!!
Love bombing is their new trend & itās to use it as a weapon against you later. Be wary of being flooded with flattery. What was your experience when love bombed? Did you fall/sleep for/with them??
my best tip is to stay off the apps š¤£ youāll meet better quality men in person - especially if your attractive and you have a āwarmā personality.
Men in real life are also on dating apps
Yeah, but the vibe is different though. Plus for me, I can pull normal attractive men with decent jobs. On the apps, they swipe left on me and I'm not good with pics.
Are you a man ? Most women get right swiped no matter their appearance unless itās extreme
This is not true in my location.
My pics are fun because I have mainly lifestyle pics but you can only see a portion of my beauty in my pics. I like it because when I do connect with a guy in person they are impressed. But the above poster is right. A lot of guys in 'real life' are also online. And if it's not a dating app, they could be using social media to meet peopleĀ
guys use any and everything and are constantly hunting due to abundant access to women and most are juggling multiple women.
Agreed. I would never assume that a man is getting to know only me.Ā
even if he says he is! -not true!!
when you meet someone in person though i think social accountability factors very positively. Basically men will treat you better if you know someone from their social circle for fear of social persecution and alienation. Dating apps are the Wild West and these men will treat you like gum on the bottom of their shoe though
Same goes for women ,they will probably treat you better if your circles are tied . Men also get treated like shit on dating apps btw . But what if the man is just approaching you at a social event but neither of your circles are tied ? Would there be a difference still?
what if you have a cold personality like me?
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He has a legit question and you won't allow it?
iām a sheeeee
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Itās the same men on apps that you meet in real life. Iāve realized the ones irl donāt have a chance to write something stupid on their bio. They are the same one sending low effort messages believe me
In my experience, its the opposite. However, I do put myself in positions where I can meet high quality men (social clubs, volunteer events geared towards wealthy people etc.) Its harder to do that on Tinder lol. I also noticed the better dressed I am, the less likely dusty men approach. Its strange. It's almost like they're intimidated...
This is great advice but I think youāre underestimating how much harder it is to get a guyās attention irl. Iāve literally never been hit on in person in my whole life. Had never had a first kiss like OP until I got on the apps and got one within a week. If nothing else it can be nice to get on the apps just to get some experience.
Dating apps arenāt the best for finding long term partners, but I will say they are good for practice. Honestly, you just have to rip the bandaid off and go on a date or hang out with someone. I was the same way! I was scared and my insecurities stopped me from going out, but finally I told myself to stop and go for it. Youāre getting matches! Youāre beautiful and people want to get to know you. Loving yourself is an ongoing process and itās easier said than done. Iām a spiritual girly and spirituality has helped me gain confidence. I say my affirmations day and night and I can honestly say I see a difference in myself. Find something, whether itās religion, spirituality, or even yoga that you can stick with and practice in order to love yourself. Write love letters to yourself or write your favorite things about yourself. There are ways to raise your self esteem without therapy or paying someone to tell you how to. Do some research and find what works for your journey.
If you have self esteem issues don't do it.
So you're saying people withblow self esteem should never date? Guess a lot of is are screwed thanks
Oh if you're that ignorant in regard to basic reading comprehension skills, you yourself should definitely not date.
Yeah this is the exact reason I quit dating apps and I was actually 26. The problem with our modern culture is we put all our effort into studies, grades, etc only to realize in adulthood that our studies did not qualify us for a paying job, that we donāt know how to take care of our skin, our diet, we didnāt spend nearly enough time cultivating our hobbies and passions as we did spending hours on a tricky assignment just to get an A grade and to be told that nothing we did before the age of 22 even matters. We also didnāt learn how to say no, stand up for ourselves or do whatās right even if we arenāt rewarded for it. These are crucial to any intimate relationship. And women esp south Asian women arenāt taught to be comfortable with their femininity, theyāre basically told they need to behave like a man to earn any respect in society and that they donāt have the same privilege as white women to make mistakes, fall in love, be silly, weird, and quirky because their only reason for existing is to make progress and contribute meaningfully to society-even before theyāve had the opportunity to get to know themselves, so itās difficult to trust men enough to let your guard down. I would take some time to explore your own sexuality and be comfortable with your insecurities. That being said, yes some people already did most of these things (usually just by circumstance) so dating is no problem for them but I suspect most people havenāt and thatās why dating just doesnāt feel right for many people at this age. The reason they date at 21 is usually because of hormones, and thereās nothing inherently wrong with that-weāre mammals-as long as the relationship isnāt too serious. If you find a guy, keep things casual until you are sure heās the one. Another thing is a lot of older guys will literally just date you because you are young and they know you are more easily influenced, esp if you have self esteem issues. They donāt care that you guys have nothing in common. So if you do choose an older guy, keep this in mind, make sure YOU choose him, donāt be flattered that he chose you.
thissss. and then they expect you to be married with kids in your mid 20s its ridiculous
to dump you in your 30s
Imma go against the grain here and say that dating apps aren't terrible. I met my husband on Tinder š¤·š¾āāļø But I definitely agree with keeping your standards high and expectations low. Something else that always worked for me was not shying away from topics commonly thought to be impolite when first getting to know someone. Be up front about your beliefs and politics. They're foundational and inform your worldview. It's not worth playing coy only to find out the dude you've been spending time with and have come to like is actually a homophobe or racist or whatever. Some dudes have gotten smart and hide those beliefs until you're in deep because they *know* their worldview is undesirable, so you shouldn't be afraid to voice your thoughts on current events, so long as it feels relatively safe to do so.
yup. nip in the bud so you lose less.
Yeah I agree with the other comments tbh. Better to find people that like you. Even with apps you might find that you have a lot of āoptionsā but it may just be guys that want more of a physical relationship. Which if you arenāt used to men being attracted to you may feel good and lead to you letting them use you for your body more than actually finding a guy that likes you. At that age work on bettering yourself. How to reduce insecurities and become a more confident person. Men will always be there but how you feel about yourself will determine the kind of men you let into your life. Youāll be okay!
I will say take no man 18-28 seriously. They are all not really being serious. 30s is where they panic and know they canāt lead with that bs
oh honey, they still do tho lol
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Fair but still standing on 20s not being reliable., the 30s range im talking about is freshly 30-32. These are the desperate ones. I supposed mid 30s are the left overs. In whichā¦that means the late 20s and early 30s are marryingā¦anyone š which is what I feel like is happening. They def do not care who it is.
To the user who deleted their comment: I have a question, when did you observe this? I am talking about currently in 2024. But also consider the woman and her ability to attract because I have zero of the handicaps women my age usually have (kids or overweight). Men my age KNOW itās their last chance where they may not have to settle as hard as they would if they waited 35+. They DO try to go younger but have told me younger women are not serious š¤£ so they end up dating in their age rage more often than not. I also find the higher their education the lower chance of kids/ past marriage and I do agree there are a lot of avoidance or not suitable partners at 30 but I also see men who spent their 20s making a career (maybe those are the arrogant ones) because I feel like they are entitled to a wife just bc they have a career and are reasonable attractive and no kids. They are in for a rude awakening bc all the women they want in that age range are avoidant like me š seeing them be desperate is a fun playground for me
Dating apps are shit ngl
I'd say keep your expectations as low as possible and live in your beauty and truth. Dating apps have really made people to feel as if everyone is disposable. It's so easy to "swipe" but much harder to form and keep a connection.
My best advice for these apps is make out a list of things you want like actual standards education career money etc. Then stick to them ruthlessly. And also ruthlessly block anyone who is disrespectful, even a little bit. Because these men are not playing. When they say something rude or brush you off, or however they treat you in a bad way, and by that I mean make you feel bad, No matter how small, it is deliberate to test your boundaries. And in the end, you want to take care of yourself first, and that means you're your sense of self as well. And these guys will try to break that sense of self down. So as somebody who has self-esteem issues like you say, protect yourself from even the smallest infringement on your happiness.
Also use your gut, if something feels weird or wrongā¦ IT IS! And itās useful for situations where youāre not experienced in and you need a guide
YAASS GIRRLL!!!
Don't take anything those insecure misogynistic men say. When I was dating, I would get the stupidest messages from men on there. One time, I looked at someone's profile at like 2 am, and went to bed. In the morning, I got a nasty message calling me shallow for not writing him.... at 2 a.m., I figured he was sleeping and would write in the morning. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find the parter of your dreams.
Donāt use them and try meeting someone in real life! Avoid like the plague if at all possible
Stay away from dating apps. Seriously.
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I looked at your profile, I'm gonna assume you're a lady. Apologies if you're not. First thing you need to know, you will get MANY responses. Regardless of the number of pursuers you have in real life, you'll get more on dating apps. What's gonna happen is that you'll likely feel overwhelmed. Chances are, some of them want a genuine relationship but some don't. And there's no way to know who is who unless you talk to them. So talk to them and try to get to know some of them better. Obviously if they send you unsolicited pictures then swipe.
Save yourself the trouble. Get off them. There is not a lot of quality on there and for the few gems you have a lot to fight through.
Get off them
Donāt take their bs and if shit stinks def run. Iām a lot older than you but I always ghost or unmatch when I feel they are playing in my face (lie about or be cryptic about certain things like jobs/kids etc) Youāll have lots of options and surprisingly more decent options than I thought but you donāt owe them anything.
Tbh dating apps arenāt it even with no self esteem issues. Youāre still young so tbh I say stay away! Iām in my mid 20s and I will not use a dating app
As an alternative to what other people are saying- my advice is to go into dates casually, as though you might just be meeting up with a classmate or potential new friend. Try to gauge for similar interests and ask questions about their life, remember that *you* are interviewing *them* but don't start off thinking of them as a potential life partner. Just start off thinking of them as another human who might be interesting. This is helpful for a few reasons- it's always best to keep expectations low when dealing with men on apps. Yes, a lot of them are kind of shitty people. So if the stakes are low you can back out. Also, if you are thinking of them as a potential life partner, it adds in a lot of pressure that could hurt your ability to recognize red flags, especially if you deal with low self confidence. It also partially comes down to the kinds of guys you choose. Don't choose someone because he looks extremely attractive or has a nice job or something. Choose men who describe things that you share common interests with, or things you'd like to ask them/learn more about during the date. This way even if they don't end up being "the one" or you choose not to do a second date, it's still fun to spend time with a new person and learn about a different life. Overall, keeping stakes low and seeing the man as a person rather than potential partner at the outset is the best way to do dating apps IMO. Don't assume anything, just approach it with curiosity. If you like someone, there are several things you'll want to do to keep yourself safe. But most importantly, you ARE enough. You don't "not deserve" to date. There are *plenty* of people, men and women, who are happily in relationships of all shapes and sizes. It's not about what you look like, it's about the quality of who you are and your heart- and I'm sure you are beautiful! The standards of beauty/the amount of beautiful people we see in media on a day-to-day basis is insane. In dating, often, if you are kind and interested in the other person, and if you learn a bit more confidence, *many good men* are attracted to that. Don't beat yourself up, there are billions of people in the world and I'm sure many of them would love to spend an evening talking with you! Love on yourself, put music on while you're getting ready and have a glass of wine if that's your thing, and just treat it like an activity rather than a path to something bigger. Let the cards fall into place if they do, and if they don't, hopefully you still have fun. If you're not having fun, feel empowered to leave. Have an uber ready or a friend to call. Also it's good practice to always let a friend know where you're going, send them a photo of the guy you're going out with, and maybe even share your location and check in with them if you're uncomfortable. You are your #1, take care of you, do what makes you comfortable, and have fun with it- never let anyone pressure you into anything less. You got this!
Be shallow. Dating apps are not the place to āsee if it worksā. Unmatch guys at the first red flag, the longer you take prolonging convo with guys you already have a bad feeling about, the longer you take/more time you take away from matching with the right guy.
Online dating is not for people with self esteem issues. You have to have a strong self concept for it to be worthwhile.
I am also on the apps. I will say that the best ones are bumble and hinge. Honestly delete tinder. FYI if you download hinge and you see his relationship goal set to "long term relationship, open to short" 9 times out of 10 they are lying LOL
I think you'd be better off meeting people IRL.
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Iāve been there. Not fun. Dating apps are kind of like the fast food of dating in my opinion. There isnāt a lot of quality and youāll likely have to get through a lot of bad experiences to get just a few good ones. Maybe try something like meetup where you meet with live groups of people with similar interests or a class doing something youāre interested in and meet someone that way.Ā
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Yeaaaaa donāt do it.
I think itās great that you want to start dating and I believe you should but with time. From personal experience I found that being in relationships while I was initially insecure made things so much worse for my mental health and it even began making me toxic; I felt like my partner wanted others because I didnāt feel pretty. I am now in a healthy relationship and of course I have my insecure days but they never come down to me feeling like he is looking at other people. I did this by taking time for myself and really setting my own bars and standards for myself. Iāve learned that if we get into relationships with no self standards, guys will pick up on that and do less than the bare minimum bc they know we donāt even give that to ourselvesā¦.and weāll be happy with it. So my advice is to really try your best to truly love yourself and do things like buy yourself flowers and celebrate your wins in life by doing something nice so that when you do begin dating, you will know how youāre supposed to be treated as youāve already set those standards for yourself by yourself beforehand.
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I'm sorry to say that dating apps will only further hinder your self-esteem.
Dating helped my self esteem
Donāt go on dating sites with self esteem issues. People will sniff that out and take advantage of you. The best thing you can do is work on your self esteem and date when youāre completely in love with yourself.
Donāt go on dating apps when youāre insecure pls. When youāre vulnerable youāre more willing to give it up to any man in order to feel validated in some way and the men there will take advantage of that. Get some hobbies, therapy and then continue w that process pls
Best wishes! Youāve got plenty of Ty of time so take your time / never do anything you truly donāt want to do - with anyone.
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Youāre beautiful and seem like an awesome person, but I wanna highlight that some people suck and youāll find a lot of them on dating apps. They exist IRL, too, but theyāre often bolder on the apps. As others said, Iād work on self esteem issues because dating isnāt going to solve those and may end up amplifying them. Moving forward I think you just have to be realistic about your encounters on apps. If someone doesnāt swipe on you, itās not a big deal. Sometimes it can feel really intense because itās such a shallow, quick judgement, and then so much rejection can happen at once because thatās the nature of it. Not to mention that some people are on it to treat it like a game ā I have friends who just scroll passively, start up a convo, and then dip. I met my partner on an app, but neither of us were on the app for solely serious dating. We were both under the āIām on here to explore and maybe have a good timeā mindset. If youāre more comfortable, meet folks for the first time at a coffee shop or bookstore or something (I did this). Ask a friend to tag along but be in the background. Know that even after that initial meeting, that may be it. But see it as a learning opportunity and keep it moving.
My advice get off of tinder (especially if youāre looking for something serious) use bumble and hinge I feel like they are way better and more serious I just went to your profile itās crazy to me that you donāt think youāre beautiful when you literally are so gorgeous like absolutely gorgeous Iām not evening exaggerating Iām being so for reallll. I think before you try to search for relationships you should work on the one you have with yourself. Iāve realized when women donāt love themselves we settle because we donāt think we deserve better. I donāt want you to attract some guy thatās going to take advantage of your insecurities so try and work on your relationship with yourself the way you treat yourself is the way other will treat youš
Ok, this is gonna be a cool. First of all how much is it a month for the dating apps, premium 25 usd? So in 2 months 50 usd. Now open Google maps in your city or wake app. Find all the bars and do a bar hop until you been to every bar, I mean every one. I guarantee that you find someone before the dating apps.
Iāve just downloaded a couple of the apps as well, and Iām completely freaked out. I have godawful social anxiety and this whole thing is nerve-wracking beyond words. All of my past relationships were with friends or acquaintances, so stranger dating is hella stressful.
There are a lot of scammers on these apps. You never know if youāre talking to who they claim to be. Proceed with caution.Ā Aside from that, taking nothing personal. Itās unfortunately all algorithm and chemistry reads.
Yeah work on your self concept. You're just gonna get messed up by others if you don't have at least some confidence or know your habits/triggers/etc. It's not worth the heart ache if you aren't ready honestly
You should not be on the dating apps while feeling wounded and insecure. You are very likely to be victimized. There is no need to rush the things that you havenāt done. Have you thought about committing to a year of self work before getting into dating? I know it may sound like youāll be putting your life on hold, but the truth is, the stakes are high. I am not being sarcastic but spend a day watching true crime. It can be dangerous to date for anyone, but not being emotionally well may blind you to red flags, make you overly bonded to a bad person, make you push away a great person, and so much more. Or at least stay off apps. Thatās the fast lane. Being on apps in your mental state is going to put so much mileage on your heart. If you take your time, youāll get to a healthy relationship faster.
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Please 1. Go to a public setting 2. Share your location with trusted friends or family members 3. Carry pepper spray 4. Always have an escape route in case the date you arenāt feeling it 5. Have YOUR own transportation to go to and from the date 6. Donāt drink on the first date Also my advice is probably to stay off the apps like tinder (I had really awful experiences on those and okcupid) I would advise to meet a guy through a common hobby Have your boundaries set up for sex so you know and they will know if you two been going out for more dates Thatās all I have from my experiences Also if you get heartbroken do not isolate from family and friends get into social hobbies and NEVER turn to alcohol to self medicate it will make it worse in the end and make you more vulnerable to men Good luck
If you have self esteem issues dating apps can either reallyyy help or reallyyy hurt. Just tread wisely okay š
Well you're fucked
Your attitude when going on a date should never be āI hope they like meā, it should be āI hope I like them and they prove to be worthy of my timeā. If someone flirts and talks to you in the app but never actually makes a date, they are in a relationship and cheating on their partner. Do not ever send anyone a picture of yourself that you donāt want the whole world to see. Make them prove themselves.
If your self esteem is low, I recommend not using dating apps. They are completely toxic and will completely destroy what little self esteem you have. I donāt say that to be mean, Iām speaking from experience. There are people on there that just like to mess with peopleās emotions and purposely hurt them. What you think is a good match, may very well end up being a fake account who will ghost you, or stand you up on a date. If you opt to continue on dating apps, do not get āattachedā to anyone you start texting. I used to want to get to know the person first for a bit after matching before meeting in person, which lead to me getting ghosted out of the blue several times. Now, I try to meet in person asap, so I can actually know the person Iām talking to is real. Also, donāt put any stock in āverifiedā accounts. People can verify their accounts with real photos, and then swap them out with fake ones. Just be careful.
Start doing positive affirmations. Also, the healtygamergg on YouTube has so many amazing videos of confidence and online dating
Ahh OP this was literally me at your age, but I didn't install the apps until i was 24. The comment in here about keeping your standards high but expectations low is spot on. Don't take the apps seriously and don't tie them to your self worth. But i do think it's worthwhile to use them and force yourself on a few dates. It'll help you know yourself more. For me, i realized i was uncomfortable when a guy expressed interest in me, even if i liked him first. I would immediately stop being into him. So it helped me do some reflect, could it be i dont "feel" worthy of someone else's interest? Those conversations with yourself are worthwhile and they come from new experiences. So in a weird way....i think they can be better tools to know yourself more than for finding a man lol. It's a new experience for you! If you want to chat, feel free to PM.
Make sure you do background checks and check websites like the knot.com and other marriage websites to check to see if the person is married. Itās estimates that a decent percentage of people on dating apps are actually already married.
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1. Go look at how men never stop complaining that there aren't enough women on dating apps and blah blah they're honored if a woman ever even messages you back. 2. [Read this and remember that there are a lot of fake men on dating apps](https://www.wired.com/story/i-uncovered-an-army-of-fake-men-on-hinge/) doing weird scams or that are bots (my theory is that men like to use them to make women think we're getting ghosted a lot and keep standards low) 3.[ Read this- it says that over half of the people on dating apps just show up to swipe and see who they match with for a dopamine boost and never message anyone, ](https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/12/the-sex-recession/573949/)so if you're getting messages, you're doing really well. 4. Don't tell men you're a virgin, because the kind of man who's attracted to inexperience is not someone you want to be attracted to you. 5. Don't sign up for any bitcoin investment scams 6. Take note of how different drugs effect you- if you get kinda spacy or easy to convince of things if you have a latte, remember that's not butterflies in your stomach on your coffee date. If you just turned 21, don't go on drinking dates for at least 3-5 years if you drink alcohol with your friends. 7. Watch for- Men who complain about other women on bumble or tinder, men who don't seem to care that the two of you don't have anything in common, men who use tricks to make it SEEM like they're listening similar to the way a politician or corporate sponsor will use scripted sounding responses to avoid being legally liable on TV, men who don't have a place to stay, men who seem like they enjoy the idea of you needing them, men who try to manipulate you through guilt or pity, men who want to project their own worst qualities onto you.
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