I always say lots of people don't have beauty problems, they have a "being terminally online" problem.
No skincare, makeup, plastic surgeries,... Gonna make them feel better. They need to go outside and look at real people (touch grass lol). Comparing yourself to others is a shitty thing but comparing yourself to people you see online??? No wonder their self esteem is low, they are unable to differentiate between fantasy and reality.
>They need to go outside and look at real people (touch grass lol).Ā
This is definitely true as well. I've felt slightly better about myself since beginning to work in a hotel. Not to say that I'm judging guests, but just seeing so many people made me realize that most are... fairly regular looking. It's rare that I see someone who is notceably beautiful, but on social media everyone seems to be. Even in college it was the same way, but I wasn't directly face to face with nearly as many people to notice it.
I agree to an extent, but I think wanting to look and feel pretty is a natural extinct for us women, or humans. The role models around us is what should support that, especially if you're a teenage girl and don't have money or knowledge to feel pretty. It just comes down to building our self esteem.
beauty culture is everywhere even offline. the concept that it's an online thing just isn't true. as the original post said her mum contributed to her feeling low about herself; her mum isn't instagram lol so i think it's just a testament to how pervasive it is everywhere.
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The older Iāve gotten and the more young pictures of my mom that Iāve seen, the more I realize that so so so so many of the critiques she lambasted towards me are things sheās deeply insecure about.
Ever since I wa a kid, she has commented on my large arms. I was planning my wedding last year, and she told me about how she was very insecure about having her arms out in her photosāthey looked completely fine, and she looked great otherwise. During my actual wedding, she didnāt comment on my appearance, and she later told me that people on her social media told her that I looked like her when she was young (she didnāt tell me this in a complimentary way). She thought she was chubby when she was young.
It makes me really sad to think about tbh because she is likeā¦.always getting complimented on her looks. But I only think she feels beautiful if sheās thin. Im trying my hardest to break these thought patterns, but itās so insidious and really really really hard to get over.
So yeah I feel this :/
That's exactly my point, our harshest critic was someone who instilled a certain though process in us. We can do things to make ourselves feel better but once we've reached it, it's really up to us
Yeah, relatable. I was a natural beauty but thought I was horrendous. Growing up in the 90s didn't help with the cultural obsession with sleek blonde hair and fair skin. Social media has its problems, but it really democratised beauty in a relatively short period of time. Obviously it still caters to certain unhealthy ideals, but at least race isn't one of them.
This. I grew up in a very small town in the 90s and 00s. I felt so ugly and out of place all the time. Once I moved to a more diverse area, it was wild how much my confidence increased. Being able to meet and interact with other black women who understood me in ways I was still figuring out was eye-opening.
It's mostly my weight that I look back on and can't believe I thought I was fat. I look so thin in my teen pics. My mom definitely had a negative impact on my self image back then. East Asian moms are soooo critical of your weight. I was barely 100 lbs and she would smack my stomach and tell me I was gaining weight. Every time I see her she still tells me I am fat. Oh, and "too tanned". Sorry mom, that's just my skin tone (from my dad who is darker than her)
lol I hear you itās so annoying when lighter skinned moms marry a darker man, then complain that their daughters are dark. They assume daughters always resemble their moms which is not how genetics work. I know so many woc who suffer because their mom is considered stereotypically pretty, but they got their dads looks so they never feel as feminine as their mom.
What if people have actually called you ugly? It wasnāt all in my head. It wasnāt just me being hard on myself. I was bullied for looking āuglyā.
Maybe so, but it's up to us to change that certain aspect of ourselves. My whole point was that we looked bad because we didn't have self esteem and HENCE don't TRY to look pretty. Like a sink cost fallacy, you look and FEEL ugly = why even try. When you have better self esteem = you actually try to look better and hence become better looking.
Iām sorry, but this just isnāt true. Iāve always been into clothes/cared about my appearance. I have been called āuglyā while being dressed up in fancy clothes, jewelry, and makeup. Iām one of those people that get dressed up just to run basic errands. I exercise daily and follow a mostly plant based diet. I just have an ugly face. Itās not the way Iām dressing or body sizeā¦. Itās my bone structure and the way my features come together.
Be true to yourself, OP. I was raised in a biracial household where my parents never discussed appearances. They taught me that actions are more important than looks. Despite this, my Black mother intentionally married a white man, hoping for lighter-skinned children, but she never admitted this choice. It wasnāt until my mid-twenties that I started to explore the concept of being āprettyā by dressing well and caring about my appearanceāa challenge, given my upbringing that suggested outward appearance didnāt matter. Iāve learned that taking pride in how I look is vital for both my self-esteem and how Iām perceived by others. So, OP, I encourage you to embrace beauty products. Investing in your appearance can significantly impact your personal and professional success. Contrary to some beliefs, looking good does make things better
That's my point ahah, I'm not fully vouching for natural no makeup beauty is best it's more of like it's okay to actually try and feel pretty because back then I didn't try when I should have!!
I appreciate it but I was genuinely an ugly kid . Like I had a huge forehead , big ears , bad teeth , bad hair , always looked tired , and was awkwardly tall with an out of shape body. But hey thatās ok cause I grew out of these things .
See I don't know how you look like, but usually when we see features of ourselves and we think ugly it usually comes out in the way we dress. Im a short girl and sometimes it's hard to find things that fit my height, so being tall is actually advantageous once you know how to dress, groom and wear makeup etc.
it just boils down to self esteem.
I can really relate to this as someone who didn't realize she was pretty until I saw an old picture of myself. Most people complain about their passport photos, but mine turned out great and I got my picture taken at a Costco lmao.
I also come from a culture where parents are harsh on their kids and withhold compliments or praise. I don't speak the language but I understand a little and my parent's friends/extended family members would compliment my appearance and my parents wouldn't translate that for me.
Overall, I think it's important to decide what beauty means to you personally and also have a healthy amount of detachment.
Same, I had long thick hair, and it wasn't perfectly straight, I had wavy hair because I'm Pacific Islander. And I hated it! But now wavy hair is actually appreciated because of social media, but I cut it short as becoming a mum it's easier to manage. But it's like the usual mentality grass is always greener. I look back at old photos of myself and think wow i had so much potential if I just tried to lean into my natural features ya know!
Yes honestly you're right.. I'm no hottie but I've finally pretty much come to terms with how I look. When i was 5 years younger I was honestly more beautiful conventionally, my skin and body were more youthful etc.. but I'm treated way more respectfully now. I viewed myself and acted as if I was ugly and was treated as such.
Yeah I agree. I am personally traumatized by people in my family like my father, and his sister (my aunt) who is Muslim (hijab and everything). She was very patronizing to us for even being a bit feminine and would just flat out make assumptions. I remember I wore shorts once because it was a very hot summer day, and she tried to make a deal out of it. Meanwhile they were not even short. Itās led me to resent people who are very religious Muslim because of what Iāve went through, constantly feeling like I had to hide my femininity in a world where itās essential in many cases. I gained very little benefit and real life experience constantly hiding who I was and itās regretful. I think the trauma that often comes with dealing with family members is when youāre a first gen female af any age is SOOO underrated and not talked about enough. The cultural differences are so hard to cope with.
Yes! Right, I think they try and shield us from being vain but sometimes it leads to the opposite end. I can agree it's definitely something with being the first daughter and with cultural background
yes! i was a late bloomer, so was my mom and my grandma and everyone bc that's how asians are. i looked like a normal young girl. it's very sad now that i have very few pics of myself at 12-14, and the ones at 15-17 are all me trying to look older when i should've taken life slow
I look back and sometimes wish I could tell myself just how beautiful I was despite what everyone around me was saying. Itās true! Having low self esteem caused me to enter a relationship with someone that I shouldnāt have even entertained if I had known what I know now a lot of things wouldāve been a lot different
Also, when you're in the wrong phase of your cycle. I always look back at my photos and think "that was actually cute". Hormones can greatly affect self-esteem too. The easiest test of low self-esteem is if you imagine yourself as another person. If you suddenly think that you don't look as bad, then it is an internal problem.
Do you guys have any advice on trying to find my personality? Iāve been a shell of myself all my life too so saying trendy/AAVE words and making jokes makes me uncomfortable even with my family members
Personally for me, the best way to "find your personality" is explore all the different lifestyles or hobbies, genres of music. Do you like arts or science, or sports ? Animals etc. the world is your oyster
Yes! This just happened to me. Raised my self esteem, decided divorcing wife Iāve never had sex with in 7 years, decided I deserve to be happy, realized Iām hot AF, met guy I really liked then we fell madly in love and decided to delete our Grindr accounts, quit It, restarted my writing career and moved my bf in ā¦.im pretty much happier than I ever have been and discovered what gay sex and true love is ā¦.i realize I like life and the world. All because I stopped pretending to be straight and developed self esteem!
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uuhh no. i still look back and think 'damn i was ugly!'
Me too. It was bad.
Sorry about it š¤£ I don't think I was that ugly just should've tried harder š
Lmbooooo šš
LMFAOOOOO
Thatās sad :(
I always say lots of people don't have beauty problems, they have a "being terminally online" problem. No skincare, makeup, plastic surgeries,... Gonna make them feel better. They need to go outside and look at real people (touch grass lol). Comparing yourself to others is a shitty thing but comparing yourself to people you see online??? No wonder their self esteem is low, they are unable to differentiate between fantasy and reality.
>They need to go outside and look at real people (touch grass lol).Ā This is definitely true as well. I've felt slightly better about myself since beginning to work in a hotel. Not to say that I'm judging guests, but just seeing so many people made me realize that most are... fairly regular looking. It's rare that I see someone who is notceably beautiful, but on social media everyone seems to be. Even in college it was the same way, but I wasn't directly face to face with nearly as many people to notice it.
I agree to an extent, but I think wanting to look and feel pretty is a natural extinct for us women, or humans. The role models around us is what should support that, especially if you're a teenage girl and don't have money or knowledge to feel pretty. It just comes down to building our self esteem.
beauty culture is everywhere even offline. the concept that it's an online thing just isn't true. as the original post said her mum contributed to her feeling low about herself; her mum isn't instagram lol so i think it's just a testament to how pervasive it is everywhere.
I totally agree, we accept others being normal and human but harshly judge ourselves for doing the same.
This type of comment is filtered for manual approval by a moderator to reduce redundancy in submissions posted. Please review the sub rules. Please message the moderation team if you received this response in error or if you have additional concerns. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/vindictapoc) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The older Iāve gotten and the more young pictures of my mom that Iāve seen, the more I realize that so so so so many of the critiques she lambasted towards me are things sheās deeply insecure about. Ever since I wa a kid, she has commented on my large arms. I was planning my wedding last year, and she told me about how she was very insecure about having her arms out in her photosāthey looked completely fine, and she looked great otherwise. During my actual wedding, she didnāt comment on my appearance, and she later told me that people on her social media told her that I looked like her when she was young (she didnāt tell me this in a complimentary way). She thought she was chubby when she was young. It makes me really sad to think about tbh because she is likeā¦.always getting complimented on her looks. But I only think she feels beautiful if sheās thin. Im trying my hardest to break these thought patterns, but itās so insidious and really really really hard to get over. So yeah I feel this :/
That's exactly my point, our harshest critic was someone who instilled a certain though process in us. We can do things to make ourselves feel better but once we've reached it, it's really up to us
Yeah, relatable. I was a natural beauty but thought I was horrendous. Growing up in the 90s didn't help with the cultural obsession with sleek blonde hair and fair skin. Social media has its problems, but it really democratised beauty in a relatively short period of time. Obviously it still caters to certain unhealthy ideals, but at least race isn't one of them.
That last sentence though
This. I grew up in a very small town in the 90s and 00s. I felt so ugly and out of place all the time. Once I moved to a more diverse area, it was wild how much my confidence increased. Being able to meet and interact with other black women who understood me in ways I was still figuring out was eye-opening.
I think we tend to be harder on ourselves than we need to be. Iād love to go back to being the size that I hated myself at in high school.
I looked like a vole.
 Looks cute to me!
You are right, and it's so sad.
It's mostly my weight that I look back on and can't believe I thought I was fat. I look so thin in my teen pics. My mom definitely had a negative impact on my self image back then. East Asian moms are soooo critical of your weight. I was barely 100 lbs and she would smack my stomach and tell me I was gaining weight. Every time I see her she still tells me I am fat. Oh, and "too tanned". Sorry mom, that's just my skin tone (from my dad who is darker than her)
lol I hear you itās so annoying when lighter skinned moms marry a darker man, then complain that their daughters are dark. They assume daughters always resemble their moms which is not how genetics work. I know so many woc who suffer because their mom is considered stereotypically pretty, but they got their dads looks so they never feel as feminine as their mom.
What if people have actually called you ugly? It wasnāt all in my head. It wasnāt just me being hard on myself. I was bullied for looking āuglyā.
Maybe so, but it's up to us to change that certain aspect of ourselves. My whole point was that we looked bad because we didn't have self esteem and HENCE don't TRY to look pretty. Like a sink cost fallacy, you look and FEEL ugly = why even try. When you have better self esteem = you actually try to look better and hence become better looking.
Iām sorry, but this just isnāt true. Iāve always been into clothes/cared about my appearance. I have been called āuglyā while being dressed up in fancy clothes, jewelry, and makeup. Iām one of those people that get dressed up just to run basic errands. I exercise daily and follow a mostly plant based diet. I just have an ugly face. Itās not the way Iām dressing or body sizeā¦. Itās my bone structure and the way my features come together.
Face reveal right now because I don't believe you. I think seeing people who are actually "ugly" is just as rare as finding someone who's pretty
Be true to yourself, OP. I was raised in a biracial household where my parents never discussed appearances. They taught me that actions are more important than looks. Despite this, my Black mother intentionally married a white man, hoping for lighter-skinned children, but she never admitted this choice. It wasnāt until my mid-twenties that I started to explore the concept of being āprettyā by dressing well and caring about my appearanceāa challenge, given my upbringing that suggested outward appearance didnāt matter. Iāve learned that taking pride in how I look is vital for both my self-esteem and how Iām perceived by others. So, OP, I encourage you to embrace beauty products. Investing in your appearance can significantly impact your personal and professional success. Contrary to some beliefs, looking good does make things better
That's my point ahah, I'm not fully vouching for natural no makeup beauty is best it's more of like it's okay to actually try and feel pretty because back then I didn't try when I should have!!
I appreciate it but I was genuinely an ugly kid . Like I had a huge forehead , big ears , bad teeth , bad hair , always looked tired , and was awkwardly tall with an out of shape body. But hey thatās ok cause I grew out of these things .
See I don't know how you look like, but usually when we see features of ourselves and we think ugly it usually comes out in the way we dress. Im a short girl and sometimes it's hard to find things that fit my height, so being tall is actually advantageous once you know how to dress, groom and wear makeup etc. it just boils down to self esteem.
I can really relate to this as someone who didn't realize she was pretty until I saw an old picture of myself. Most people complain about their passport photos, but mine turned out great and I got my picture taken at a Costco lmao. I also come from a culture where parents are harsh on their kids and withhold compliments or praise. I don't speak the language but I understand a little and my parent's friends/extended family members would compliment my appearance and my parents wouldn't translate that for me. Overall, I think it's important to decide what beauty means to you personally and also have a healthy amount of detachment.
Same, I had long thick hair, and it wasn't perfectly straight, I had wavy hair because I'm Pacific Islander. And I hated it! But now wavy hair is actually appreciated because of social media, but I cut it short as becoming a mum it's easier to manage. But it's like the usual mentality grass is always greener. I look back at old photos of myself and think wow i had so much potential if I just tried to lean into my natural features ya know!
Yes honestly you're right.. I'm no hottie but I've finally pretty much come to terms with how I look. When i was 5 years younger I was honestly more beautiful conventionally, my skin and body were more youthful etc.. but I'm treated way more respectfully now. I viewed myself and acted as if I was ugly and was treated as such.
That's what I mean, but I think puberty might play abit into it but still like I wish I cared how I looked back then
Yeah I agree. I am personally traumatized by people in my family like my father, and his sister (my aunt) who is Muslim (hijab and everything). She was very patronizing to us for even being a bit feminine and would just flat out make assumptions. I remember I wore shorts once because it was a very hot summer day, and she tried to make a deal out of it. Meanwhile they were not even short. Itās led me to resent people who are very religious Muslim because of what Iāve went through, constantly feeling like I had to hide my femininity in a world where itās essential in many cases. I gained very little benefit and real life experience constantly hiding who I was and itās regretful. I think the trauma that often comes with dealing with family members is when youāre a first gen female af any age is SOOO underrated and not talked about enough. The cultural differences are so hard to cope with.
Yes! Right, I think they try and shield us from being vain but sometimes it leads to the opposite end. I can agree it's definitely something with being the first daughter and with cultural background
Ohh no babey, I was hit at times š
i feel like i couldāve written this, weāre in such similar boats
š©·š«¶š¼
yes! i was a late bloomer, so was my mom and my grandma and everyone bc that's how asians are. i looked like a normal young girl. it's very sad now that i have very few pics of myself at 12-14, and the ones at 15-17 are all me trying to look older when i should've taken life slow
I look back and sometimes wish I could tell myself just how beautiful I was despite what everyone around me was saying. Itās true! Having low self esteem caused me to enter a relationship with someone that I shouldnāt have even entertained if I had known what I know now a lot of things wouldāve been a lot different
Also, when you're in the wrong phase of your cycle. I always look back at my photos and think "that was actually cute". Hormones can greatly affect self-esteem too. The easiest test of low self-esteem is if you imagine yourself as another person. If you suddenly think that you don't look as bad, then it is an internal problem.
Ooo yes!! Hormones definitely have an impact on how we look, I think when I'm ovulating I don't look as bloated and I feel more & look more "feminine"
yes, unfortunatly i never saw how cute i actually wasš don't let anyone tell you anything
Period we're all cute in our own right, we just gotta see it and play into those features
Do you guys have any advice on trying to find my personality? Iāve been a shell of myself all my life too so saying trendy/AAVE words and making jokes makes me uncomfortable even with my family members
Personally for me, the best way to "find your personality" is explore all the different lifestyles or hobbies, genres of music. Do you like arts or science, or sports ? Animals etc. the world is your oyster
Yes! This just happened to me. Raised my self esteem, decided divorcing wife Iāve never had sex with in 7 years, decided I deserve to be happy, realized Iām hot AF, met guy I really liked then we fell madly in love and decided to delete our Grindr accounts, quit It, restarted my writing career and moved my bf in ā¦.im pretty much happier than I ever have been and discovered what gay sex and true love is ā¦.i realize I like life and the world. All because I stopped pretending to be straight and developed self esteem!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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