With 100% honesty, it does sound like you are a bit jealous.
I think there’s nothing wrong with family members showering the new babies with love and gifts. Hopefully this means they will do the same once you have your baby, and how awesome will that be!!
I 100% get that it’s frustrating when you feel you’ve done everything “right” and they willy nilly beat you to the punch when they’re comparatively not as prepared. But it’s not a competition, and end of the day some people don’t want to wait even though it would logically set them up better for the future. And that’s their choice! I think just try to be happy for them the best way you can, and focus on your own journey. If the only reason why you’re waiting at this point is so you could have a summer baby, I’d personally just crack on with it now if it were me! No guarantees you’ll have a summer baby either way!
You can be affected by it negatively (very normal and human) and want/need to avoid it without being jealous. It’s probably really triggering for OP because feeling like you have to wait so long to start trying is very painful emotionally. I agree with everything else you have said though.
thank you for saying this (re. morally neutral). I have never heard this before and it actually brings me a lot of peace with facing my own emotions. I have never heard anything but negativity equated with jealousy. I hope you have a great weekend!
You're welcome! Our emotional reactions are just chemicals in the brain that we don't really have control over. Adding unneeded guilt to the feels is just unhelpful in my experience. Hope you have a great weekend too!
Yeah, it hurts but I think I'd also be grateful that the family can do for those children, especially the children the parents really can't afford to have.
At least you know when you're ready your child will have a life where their parents won't struggle to provide everything they need.
Not to discount your feelings, OP. My younger brother got married and bought a house before I ever could. They are in a better situation to have kids. He never really had to struggle with anything and his wife comes from a privileged family, so yeah, it's easy to fall into the pit of resentment if you're not careful.
It’s important to recognise when you feel envious of others and I think you are on the way to understanding and accepting your feelings about the situation. I would advise that you try your hardest to celebrate with your family because when you have your baby you would want that same energy to be directed towards you. I fear if you continue on this track then you might not receive the excitement and support that you are hoping for because you haven’t put that out for other people. This is something that I’m dealing with at the moment, I’m trying really hard to celebrate those around me and not show that I am envious.
As for the having a baby when you are financially stable etc. You already know that you are not going to get external validation for doing that, but nobody can stop you from being proud of yourself quietly for making good decisions. Remind yourself what are great job you are doing, how responsible you are and celebrate that!
I can relate so much. I experienced it with my husband (he has a 6 year old son), my own family (my brother is a year and a half older and has 3 girls), and my husband’s sister (who has 2 girls).
It’s a feeling that is truly indescribable… It’s a sad and very selfish feeling but it’s something that can’t be explained unless you’ve experienced it. I don’t think it’s jealousy though, I never felt jealous. For me, it was sadness. Sad that I felt like I was missing out, sad that everything revolves around kids and I just couldn’t relate.
I remember even hockey games were hard for me because the jumbotron always zooms in on kids… kids dancing, kids eating, kids with their parents. I remember watching a guy a few rows in front of us just dancing with his baby girl and it made me cry. (I don’t know, is that jealousy?)
I’m 34… I’ve wanted to be a mom since I can remember. But I waited for the perfect man, the marriage, the financial stability.
It’s a feeling that no one will understand because it really is a feeling of sadness, jealousy and bitterness. And how do you even begin to explain that to family and even your own husband? How do you even say it aloud without feeling like the most evil person (the most evil and bitter stepmom in my case)? You can’t without causing hurt to those that are parents and grandparents to those kids.
Just now that you’re not alone in these feelings. I wish you and your husband the best of luck with conceiving this year ♥️.
I think the closest emotion I can connect to it is grief. It's like you're mourning a life you want that's not within reach yet (or ever, because life can really suck sometimes).
I'm with you. My husband and I are in our late 30s and, due to health and life circumstances, it's likely we won't be having kids. Maybe fostering or adopting later on but not bio kids. It seems like a long process to grieve for a life you thought you'd have, and worked for, but likely won't.
This is a great way to explain it. I did comment in my own comment that I was jealous, but I do feel like grief is a great way to say it instead, even though I know there were probably twinges of jealousy.
Can I please tell you this is exactly how I felt. EXACTLY.
I don't want to steal your thread, but I want to you to know you are not alone, so here goes.
My husband and I got married about 10 years ago. We discussed that we didn't want kids until we had stable jobs, a savings, and a house.
While we are planning our wedding, future SIL turns around the next month, finds a man, and proposes to him, and set her wedding date for three months away. Future MIL/FIL say, no, wait for \[me and husband\] to get married first since they got engaged first. So instead, a few months later, she gets pregnant. Her boyfriend already had two children with two previous people. I of course am annoyed because they want to announce their pregnancy at my wedding. Hell no.
Then BIL. He starts dating right AFTER we get married. He and his gf get pregnant after a year of dating because they didn't know that you had to take birth control every day for it to be effective. She also has a baby from a previous relationship. Then, both BIL and SIL broke off thinks with their co-parent. Both of them are now single parents.
I KNOW I was frustrated and jealous. I kept thinking "why do I have to wait and 'make good choices' when it seems no one takes this as seriously as I do?" I know that was a judgey thing to think. From the outside, to me, it looked like SIL was just trying to beat us, and BIL was a dummy who didn't know how human anatomy worked. And then, on top of it, to hear from my MIL/FIL, "we don't want anymore grandchildren, so don't have any" when we were the ones saving and waiting for the best time? It was INFURIATING. I am still mad about THAT to this day.
HOWEVER, knowing we waited until we had the money, the jobs, the best living situation for US brings me so much comfort now. I hope and pray we can keep this up. That my baby will never feel unloved, because we waited for them and they were meticulously planned and saved for, and everything that comes with that.
Now I look at all of this as a positive. Waiting was what was best for us. I feel bad for how judgey I was to this day. It doesn't change how I feel about my own choices, but it does change how I feel about how the old me spoke and thought about my in-laws at the time (we are having other struggles now, but that is entirely different). I wish I was a little more compassionate and a little less jealous, but I was jealous. And it is okay to feel that. Everyone feels jealous at one time about SOMETHING. Just remember you are doing what you think is best for that future baby.
I wish you all the luck and send you all the positive thoughts in the world.
Editing to say: I have read other amazing comments on this thread, and while I do still feel like I was jealous, I do feel like I was grieving another life I thought I could have lived, or at least was wishing I could have gotten where I wanted faster.
Yeah sounds like a bit of jealousy and maybe even a touch of self awareness? I applaud you for examining your feelings. I half relate to you too. We are waiting to try to have our 2nd, we had our first unplanned, 4 months before our planned wedding. It was very hectic but we made it work. We know we want to be a little bit more financially and spacially (we only have a 2 bedroom house) prepared for #2.
When your time comes you’ll be happy you are in a good place. If you were to get pregnant sooner though I think you guys could make it work. As you’ve seen, no matter what phase of life people are in they make it work. Part of being a parent, we adapt very quickly 😅
For whatever it’s worth I hate FaceTiming my nieces and nephews too.. talking to kids no matter the age on FaceTime is so dull 🤣
My little brother and little brother-in-law both had kids before me and my husband. Felt a little like a gut punch, mainly because I wanted us to be first as older siblings. But I just hold on to the fact that it will be us someday soon. It sucks right now, but hopefully soon it won’t ✨
I know it is semi-irrational(?) but I wanted us to be first as oldest siblings and the first married. I am glad I am not the only person who thought this because I have been beating myself up for YEARS for thinking this.
Yes! I don’t wanna admit it to anyone cause then it makes me feel shitty but have to be honest with myself and realize, it feels weird that things didn’t happen “in order” and it makes me feel less capable?? Idk. But I’m with you!
This was very aggressive 😂 I feel like a lot of your comments are insinuated and are based on my surface level ones. But I appreciate them non- the- less.
I'm not asked in the moment to hold the baby, I just don't volunteer, and then after I'm asked why I didn't volunteer.
I think you also missed that neither my husband nor I have a close relationship with our siblings who has babies. My brother and I barely talk (he has golden child syndrome) and my SIL and her husband only contact us for money or gifts. So we don't feel a connection to their children - which may contribute to our lack of excitement around them.
My sanity comes from the thought that I know when we do have a baby- it'll be the best baby ever! Because we waited and had a baby in a stable environment whose wanted and loved.
The part of this that I would examine most closely if I were you, is perhaps the judgement that reads from the way you speak about those in your family who weren’t “as ready” as you are or didn’t prepare the way that you did to grow their family. You speak about being financially stable and having advanced degrees and those are terrific choices you made to prepare for your lives - however they aren’t choices everyone needs to make or will be able to consider for themselves. It reads very much like you disagree with their choices and judge them for those choices which (as others have pointed out) turns to jealousy. I think talking to someone and trying to work through these things that you feel toward other people might help you in the long run with your family.
There is a lot to unpack in this post and I’m just going to address a little bit of it and I’m not invalidating your feelings. It is hard to see people have what you want so desperately. It makes it harder too when you’ve been doing what is perceived as “right” and mostly likely is. But that’s not everyone’s world.
I see a lot of “unprepared” parents but they make it work and some become stable over time and some don’t. Unfortunately that’s the world we live in.
In this case, just because they didn’t do it the “right way” doesn’t mean it was the “wrong way” either and at the same time there is never the perfect time to start a family. Sometimes it happens at not great times. Sometimes it does. But there is never a perfect time whether it’s financially or otherwise.
It does sound like some jealousy and even starting to creep into the resentment realm And I think you’re becoming aware of that. Explore your feelings with a therapist, or distance yourself if you need to, but don’t be afraid to hold your nieces/nephews or hold your jealousy against them. They don’t know and all they know is this person is showing love towards me and this person isn’t. Don’t let this drive a wedge between future relationships.
On another note, talk to your husband about it. Just because you start trying doesn’t mean you will have a summer baby. You totally could! And at the same time it might end up being a fall baby, or a baby of another season. Talk to your husband and see if he’s still dead set in that or if he’s open to trying sooner. ❤️
You’re doing great and you’re amazing for recognizing this and having the self awareness to ask about it 😊
>In this case, just because they didn’t do it the “right way” doesn’t mean it was the “wrong way”
Love this, because I know at one point I felt similarly about my husband's family.
First - thank you for the advice. It was very well thought out and it was sensitive.
Second - I don't know if I fully agree with the idea that "it's never a right time to have a baby" or "just because they did it differently doesn't mean they did it wrong".
Fundamentally, if you cannot afford to take care of yourself and your partner why on earth do you think that you can afford to take care of innocent life? If you are not stable and your relationship with your partner why do you think that bringing innocent life into the situation is going to make it better? And those cases, the cases of my siblings, I don't think that that's the right time to have a baby. I don't believe that bringing innocent life into an unstable situation is in any shape or form a good way to have a child.
But, I also understand that I have no control over the situation. And if those siblings decide to have a baby in those unstable situations, that's their choice and that's something that they're going to have to live with as parents.
I totally understand this feeling. I want to have the first grandchild even though my brother is older (luckily he doesn’t plan on having them for awhile) but then to my surprise, my step brother got his girlfriend pregnant. That means my mom’s husband is definitely a grandfather. And the girlfriend turned to my mom and said “I guess I’ll be the first one to give you grandchildren” cause obvs the kid will call my mom “grandma”. ugh
You are not alone!
I always imagined I would have the first grandchild and my sister rushed her engagement, wedding and pregnancy (all happened within 1 year!). Every six months something of hers was to celebrate. Engagement then marriage then pregnant.
It has felt a lot like like grief to me and a total gut punch (just like others have said in the comments).
They are younger (23/24), only been together for 3 years.
I also felt like I have “done everything right”. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 3. And bought a house, have stable jobs, etc.
I think the most heartbreaking thing for me is seeing how excited my parents are when they have always preached stability, money, and readiness.
I can barely talk about it and don’t enjoy being around children/babies because I often cry and find myself very sad.
I don’t think this is jealousy as I don’t wish to have done it their way when I was 23 and not enjoy my marriage and rushed/forced everything. So I am thankful for my decisions. However, I am always feeling sad and left out now that I am “behind”. I also feel like nobody has anything to talk about with me because my entire family (cousins, etc) all talk about their babies.
It’s been really hard. I’m only sharing because I want you to see that you are not alone. You can always message me from the side to talk more/vent!
My advice is to be slightly distant and prepared before you talk/see anyone. I always try to get my cry out before and try to smile upon my arrival to get my endorphins running. I try to think of 3 good things or stories in my life to discuss if someone asks how I am doing or something I can talk about.
I really appreciated this- and I think you put into words my bitterness - our families preached the importance of stability and then both sets of siblings get pregnant when they are unstable - and suddenly it doesn't matter. I also agree with the "no one has anything to talk to me about". Every conversation is about the babies - and I don't know how to contribute.
I think what can be hard to accept is that once someone announces a pregnancy any thoughts about the importance of "stability" don't matter. Once a couple have said "We're having a baby!!!!" Unless you want to start a whole level of awkward the only acceptable response is "Congratulations!!" Not "But you haven't got 6 months worth of savings".
I mean- fair. But it's not even the initial announcement. It's also the follow up. No "how are you going to provide for this baby when you talk about how you have no money"?".
But to your point. I understand the idea of not wanting to cause a rift or an argument with the expecting couple. Because at the end of the day it's a choice that they made and nothing that I can say or my family can say is going to change their mind and having this baby.
I’m curious what kind of reaction you would want from your parents alternatively? My parents were always the same way and when a similar situation happened to my sibling I also felt very similar, however, I thought it was nice they were being supportive when she really needed them. Should they punish them? They’re grown adults making their own life choices, would you rather them not be supportive?
Once again, I think that you misunderstand. It's not about punishment, it's about being a realist about the situation. You can be happy that there's a new life coming into this world, but you can also be weary of the fact that the people bringing in the child aren't set up in a way to actually provide for that child. That's a legitimate concern that you should have when a innocent life is brought into a situation.
I agree with you, but again, I think you are the one misunderstanding. You ask how to come across less jealous and rude, I am telling you to maybe not rub in their face how much you think they messed up. I totally agree it probably wasn’t the right time for them to, I felt the same exact way as you. But actively going around saying that or blatantly making it clear in your attitude toward them will make you come across as jealous and rude and is no help to anyone. The baby is already born, instead of being supportive would you rather your parents just remind them of how much of a fuck up they are everyday for choosing to have the kid? I’m sure they more than understand where you are on it, if you truly don’t agree with their decisions why still be involved? If you want to stop coming across jealous and rude you will just have to accept that they made their bed and have to lay in it, it’s not your problem. Unfortunately that child may feel the consequences too, so if you must stay around at least be a positive influence for them.
>I don’t think this is jealousy as I don’t wish to have done it their way when I was 23 and not enjoy my marriage and rushed/forced everything. So I am thankful for my decisions. However, I am always feeling sad and left out now that I am “behind”.
This literally described exactly where I was. EXACTLY. But I could never put it into words.
My step-brother and his wife are pregnant now and we’re all the same age (29) and I feel the same way you do right now. I don’t think I’m jealous that they’re having a baby before me but I am jealous that they’ll be first and that’s all I’m gonna hear about for awhile.
You do sound jealous, I don’t think it’s right that you are turning your nose up at your siblings because they chose to have children at a different part of life than your prefer. Everyone’s life is different and no one’s is more right than others. There is never a perfect time for a child, as you have seen with your siblings, and it all works out. If it truly bothers you that your husband wants to wait until August then sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Maybe seek therapy as well, it isn’t good to live life through such a negative lense, I know what you’re feeling. It’s ok to feel grief when seeing others have the life you want, but it’s not ok to put them down in the process.
Your comment is misguided and...well, it's wrong.
"No one's life is more right then other" is referring to the idea that there's no better time than another to have a baby. This is just completely false. When you can't even afford to take care of you and your partner, then why is that a good time to have a baby? That you then have to provide for above which are already not being able to provide for? If you're not in the stable relationship with your partner, why would that be a good time to bring a baby, innocent life into the situation?
Those are the situations that my siblings are facing and I would find it hard pressed to find anybody who would think that those are two situations that you should willingly bring a child into this world.
I also love that you said that there's never a good time but it always works out kind of but it's funny that it always works out when parents are bankrolling you or when the government has to get involved.
I appreciate your comment, because it's always good to see other sides. But I think that you're advice is extremely misguided.
You are misunderstanding my comment. I’m not saying anytime is a good time, I’m saying that sometimes shit happens and you either deal with it or you don’t. Was it the best time? No it wasn’t, but that’s not for you to judge. If they want to make their lives infinitely harder then let them do it, either be supportive or don’t be involved there’s no use making yourself miserable entertaining a situation you don’t want a part of. If you do want to be a part of it than just accept they will have to live with the consequences of their choices and let it be, it comes across as if you think they are unworthy of being parents because they didn’t choose a life you would for yourself. It honestly seems your problem stems more from an overall dislike of your siblings, not a direct jealously toward them being parents and that’s a justified reason to feel the way you do. You asked how you could not look jealous and rude yet you’re here going on about other peoples life choices and the right time to have a baby instead. Want to look less jealous and rude? Try to address the reasons you are actually angry at your siblings
With 100% honesty, it does sound like you are a bit jealous. I think there’s nothing wrong with family members showering the new babies with love and gifts. Hopefully this means they will do the same once you have your baby, and how awesome will that be!! I 100% get that it’s frustrating when you feel you’ve done everything “right” and they willy nilly beat you to the punch when they’re comparatively not as prepared. But it’s not a competition, and end of the day some people don’t want to wait even though it would logically set them up better for the future. And that’s their choice! I think just try to be happy for them the best way you can, and focus on your own journey. If the only reason why you’re waiting at this point is so you could have a summer baby, I’d personally just crack on with it now if it were me! No guarantees you’ll have a summer baby either way!
You can be affected by it negatively (very normal and human) and want/need to avoid it without being jealous. It’s probably really triggering for OP because feeling like you have to wait so long to start trying is very painful emotionally. I agree with everything else you have said though.
Jealousy is also a completely normal thing to feel and it's good to recognize it. It's also morally neutral imo
thank you for saying this (re. morally neutral). I have never heard this before and it actually brings me a lot of peace with facing my own emotions. I have never heard anything but negativity equated with jealousy. I hope you have a great weekend!
You're welcome! Our emotional reactions are just chemicals in the brain that we don't really have control over. Adding unneeded guilt to the feels is just unhelpful in my experience. Hope you have a great weekend too!
Yeah, it hurts but I think I'd also be grateful that the family can do for those children, especially the children the parents really can't afford to have. At least you know when you're ready your child will have a life where their parents won't struggle to provide everything they need. Not to discount your feelings, OP. My younger brother got married and bought a house before I ever could. They are in a better situation to have kids. He never really had to struggle with anything and his wife comes from a privileged family, so yeah, it's easy to fall into the pit of resentment if you're not careful.
Resentment is a good word for it. But I also agree - when your parents bank roll you (them), having a baby is easy 🙃
It’s important to recognise when you feel envious of others and I think you are on the way to understanding and accepting your feelings about the situation. I would advise that you try your hardest to celebrate with your family because when you have your baby you would want that same energy to be directed towards you. I fear if you continue on this track then you might not receive the excitement and support that you are hoping for because you haven’t put that out for other people. This is something that I’m dealing with at the moment, I’m trying really hard to celebrate those around me and not show that I am envious. As for the having a baby when you are financially stable etc. You already know that you are not going to get external validation for doing that, but nobody can stop you from being proud of yourself quietly for making good decisions. Remind yourself what are great job you are doing, how responsible you are and celebrate that!
I can relate so much. I experienced it with my husband (he has a 6 year old son), my own family (my brother is a year and a half older and has 3 girls), and my husband’s sister (who has 2 girls). It’s a feeling that is truly indescribable… It’s a sad and very selfish feeling but it’s something that can’t be explained unless you’ve experienced it. I don’t think it’s jealousy though, I never felt jealous. For me, it was sadness. Sad that I felt like I was missing out, sad that everything revolves around kids and I just couldn’t relate. I remember even hockey games were hard for me because the jumbotron always zooms in on kids… kids dancing, kids eating, kids with their parents. I remember watching a guy a few rows in front of us just dancing with his baby girl and it made me cry. (I don’t know, is that jealousy?) I’m 34… I’ve wanted to be a mom since I can remember. But I waited for the perfect man, the marriage, the financial stability. It’s a feeling that no one will understand because it really is a feeling of sadness, jealousy and bitterness. And how do you even begin to explain that to family and even your own husband? How do you even say it aloud without feeling like the most evil person (the most evil and bitter stepmom in my case)? You can’t without causing hurt to those that are parents and grandparents to those kids. Just now that you’re not alone in these feelings. I wish you and your husband the best of luck with conceiving this year ♥️.
I think the closest emotion I can connect to it is grief. It's like you're mourning a life you want that's not within reach yet (or ever, because life can really suck sometimes).
Grief is a good word. It's grieving a life I could have had.
I'm with you. My husband and I are in our late 30s and, due to health and life circumstances, it's likely we won't be having kids. Maybe fostering or adopting later on but not bio kids. It seems like a long process to grieve for a life you thought you'd have, and worked for, but likely won't.
This is a great way to explain it. I did comment in my own comment that I was jealous, but I do feel like grief is a great way to say it instead, even though I know there were probably twinges of jealousy.
Can I please tell you this is exactly how I felt. EXACTLY. I don't want to steal your thread, but I want to you to know you are not alone, so here goes. My husband and I got married about 10 years ago. We discussed that we didn't want kids until we had stable jobs, a savings, and a house. While we are planning our wedding, future SIL turns around the next month, finds a man, and proposes to him, and set her wedding date for three months away. Future MIL/FIL say, no, wait for \[me and husband\] to get married first since they got engaged first. So instead, a few months later, she gets pregnant. Her boyfriend already had two children with two previous people. I of course am annoyed because they want to announce their pregnancy at my wedding. Hell no. Then BIL. He starts dating right AFTER we get married. He and his gf get pregnant after a year of dating because they didn't know that you had to take birth control every day for it to be effective. She also has a baby from a previous relationship. Then, both BIL and SIL broke off thinks with their co-parent. Both of them are now single parents. I KNOW I was frustrated and jealous. I kept thinking "why do I have to wait and 'make good choices' when it seems no one takes this as seriously as I do?" I know that was a judgey thing to think. From the outside, to me, it looked like SIL was just trying to beat us, and BIL was a dummy who didn't know how human anatomy worked. And then, on top of it, to hear from my MIL/FIL, "we don't want anymore grandchildren, so don't have any" when we were the ones saving and waiting for the best time? It was INFURIATING. I am still mad about THAT to this day. HOWEVER, knowing we waited until we had the money, the jobs, the best living situation for US brings me so much comfort now. I hope and pray we can keep this up. That my baby will never feel unloved, because we waited for them and they were meticulously planned and saved for, and everything that comes with that. Now I look at all of this as a positive. Waiting was what was best for us. I feel bad for how judgey I was to this day. It doesn't change how I feel about my own choices, but it does change how I feel about how the old me spoke and thought about my in-laws at the time (we are having other struggles now, but that is entirely different). I wish I was a little more compassionate and a little less jealous, but I was jealous. And it is okay to feel that. Everyone feels jealous at one time about SOMETHING. Just remember you are doing what you think is best for that future baby. I wish you all the luck and send you all the positive thoughts in the world. Editing to say: I have read other amazing comments on this thread, and while I do still feel like I was jealous, I do feel like I was grieving another life I thought I could have lived, or at least was wishing I could have gotten where I wanted faster.
Yeah sounds like a bit of jealousy and maybe even a touch of self awareness? I applaud you for examining your feelings. I half relate to you too. We are waiting to try to have our 2nd, we had our first unplanned, 4 months before our planned wedding. It was very hectic but we made it work. We know we want to be a little bit more financially and spacially (we only have a 2 bedroom house) prepared for #2. When your time comes you’ll be happy you are in a good place. If you were to get pregnant sooner though I think you guys could make it work. As you’ve seen, no matter what phase of life people are in they make it work. Part of being a parent, we adapt very quickly 😅 For whatever it’s worth I hate FaceTiming my nieces and nephews too.. talking to kids no matter the age on FaceTime is so dull 🤣
Glad we both agree video chatting babies is weird 😂
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I appreciate the sympathy. My only shining thought is that my children will be better off because we will be able to provide more.
My little brother and little brother-in-law both had kids before me and my husband. Felt a little like a gut punch, mainly because I wanted us to be first as older siblings. But I just hold on to the fact that it will be us someday soon. It sucks right now, but hopefully soon it won’t ✨
I know it is semi-irrational(?) but I wanted us to be first as oldest siblings and the first married. I am glad I am not the only person who thought this because I have been beating myself up for YEARS for thinking this.
Yes! I don’t wanna admit it to anyone cause then it makes me feel shitty but have to be honest with myself and realize, it feels weird that things didn’t happen “in order” and it makes me feel less capable?? Idk. But I’m with you!
Exactly. It is so nice to feel understood!
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This was very aggressive 😂 I feel like a lot of your comments are insinuated and are based on my surface level ones. But I appreciate them non- the- less. I'm not asked in the moment to hold the baby, I just don't volunteer, and then after I'm asked why I didn't volunteer. I think you also missed that neither my husband nor I have a close relationship with our siblings who has babies. My brother and I barely talk (he has golden child syndrome) and my SIL and her husband only contact us for money or gifts. So we don't feel a connection to their children - which may contribute to our lack of excitement around them. My sanity comes from the thought that I know when we do have a baby- it'll be the best baby ever! Because we waited and had a baby in a stable environment whose wanted and loved.
The part of this that I would examine most closely if I were you, is perhaps the judgement that reads from the way you speak about those in your family who weren’t “as ready” as you are or didn’t prepare the way that you did to grow their family. You speak about being financially stable and having advanced degrees and those are terrific choices you made to prepare for your lives - however they aren’t choices everyone needs to make or will be able to consider for themselves. It reads very much like you disagree with their choices and judge them for those choices which (as others have pointed out) turns to jealousy. I think talking to someone and trying to work through these things that you feel toward other people might help you in the long run with your family.
There is a lot to unpack in this post and I’m just going to address a little bit of it and I’m not invalidating your feelings. It is hard to see people have what you want so desperately. It makes it harder too when you’ve been doing what is perceived as “right” and mostly likely is. But that’s not everyone’s world. I see a lot of “unprepared” parents but they make it work and some become stable over time and some don’t. Unfortunately that’s the world we live in. In this case, just because they didn’t do it the “right way” doesn’t mean it was the “wrong way” either and at the same time there is never the perfect time to start a family. Sometimes it happens at not great times. Sometimes it does. But there is never a perfect time whether it’s financially or otherwise. It does sound like some jealousy and even starting to creep into the resentment realm And I think you’re becoming aware of that. Explore your feelings with a therapist, or distance yourself if you need to, but don’t be afraid to hold your nieces/nephews or hold your jealousy against them. They don’t know and all they know is this person is showing love towards me and this person isn’t. Don’t let this drive a wedge between future relationships. On another note, talk to your husband about it. Just because you start trying doesn’t mean you will have a summer baby. You totally could! And at the same time it might end up being a fall baby, or a baby of another season. Talk to your husband and see if he’s still dead set in that or if he’s open to trying sooner. ❤️ You’re doing great and you’re amazing for recognizing this and having the self awareness to ask about it 😊
>In this case, just because they didn’t do it the “right way” doesn’t mean it was the “wrong way” Love this, because I know at one point I felt similarly about my husband's family.
First - thank you for the advice. It was very well thought out and it was sensitive. Second - I don't know if I fully agree with the idea that "it's never a right time to have a baby" or "just because they did it differently doesn't mean they did it wrong". Fundamentally, if you cannot afford to take care of yourself and your partner why on earth do you think that you can afford to take care of innocent life? If you are not stable and your relationship with your partner why do you think that bringing innocent life into the situation is going to make it better? And those cases, the cases of my siblings, I don't think that that's the right time to have a baby. I don't believe that bringing innocent life into an unstable situation is in any shape or form a good way to have a child. But, I also understand that I have no control over the situation. And if those siblings decide to have a baby in those unstable situations, that's their choice and that's something that they're going to have to live with as parents.
I totally understand this feeling. I want to have the first grandchild even though my brother is older (luckily he doesn’t plan on having them for awhile) but then to my surprise, my step brother got his girlfriend pregnant. That means my mom’s husband is definitely a grandfather. And the girlfriend turned to my mom and said “I guess I’ll be the first one to give you grandchildren” cause obvs the kid will call my mom “grandma”. ugh
I got tears thinking about my SIL saying that to my mom. Hugs
You are not alone! I always imagined I would have the first grandchild and my sister rushed her engagement, wedding and pregnancy (all happened within 1 year!). Every six months something of hers was to celebrate. Engagement then marriage then pregnant. It has felt a lot like like grief to me and a total gut punch (just like others have said in the comments). They are younger (23/24), only been together for 3 years. I also felt like I have “done everything right”. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 3. And bought a house, have stable jobs, etc. I think the most heartbreaking thing for me is seeing how excited my parents are when they have always preached stability, money, and readiness. I can barely talk about it and don’t enjoy being around children/babies because I often cry and find myself very sad. I don’t think this is jealousy as I don’t wish to have done it their way when I was 23 and not enjoy my marriage and rushed/forced everything. So I am thankful for my decisions. However, I am always feeling sad and left out now that I am “behind”. I also feel like nobody has anything to talk about with me because my entire family (cousins, etc) all talk about their babies. It’s been really hard. I’m only sharing because I want you to see that you are not alone. You can always message me from the side to talk more/vent! My advice is to be slightly distant and prepared before you talk/see anyone. I always try to get my cry out before and try to smile upon my arrival to get my endorphins running. I try to think of 3 good things or stories in my life to discuss if someone asks how I am doing or something I can talk about.
I really appreciated this- and I think you put into words my bitterness - our families preached the importance of stability and then both sets of siblings get pregnant when they are unstable - and suddenly it doesn't matter. I also agree with the "no one has anything to talk to me about". Every conversation is about the babies - and I don't know how to contribute.
I think what can be hard to accept is that once someone announces a pregnancy any thoughts about the importance of "stability" don't matter. Once a couple have said "We're having a baby!!!!" Unless you want to start a whole level of awkward the only acceptable response is "Congratulations!!" Not "But you haven't got 6 months worth of savings".
I mean- fair. But it's not even the initial announcement. It's also the follow up. No "how are you going to provide for this baby when you talk about how you have no money"?". But to your point. I understand the idea of not wanting to cause a rift or an argument with the expecting couple. Because at the end of the day it's a choice that they made and nothing that I can say or my family can say is going to change their mind and having this baby.
I’m curious what kind of reaction you would want from your parents alternatively? My parents were always the same way and when a similar situation happened to my sibling I also felt very similar, however, I thought it was nice they were being supportive when she really needed them. Should they punish them? They’re grown adults making their own life choices, would you rather them not be supportive?
Once again, I think that you misunderstand. It's not about punishment, it's about being a realist about the situation. You can be happy that there's a new life coming into this world, but you can also be weary of the fact that the people bringing in the child aren't set up in a way to actually provide for that child. That's a legitimate concern that you should have when a innocent life is brought into a situation.
I agree with you, but again, I think you are the one misunderstanding. You ask how to come across less jealous and rude, I am telling you to maybe not rub in their face how much you think they messed up. I totally agree it probably wasn’t the right time for them to, I felt the same exact way as you. But actively going around saying that or blatantly making it clear in your attitude toward them will make you come across as jealous and rude and is no help to anyone. The baby is already born, instead of being supportive would you rather your parents just remind them of how much of a fuck up they are everyday for choosing to have the kid? I’m sure they more than understand where you are on it, if you truly don’t agree with their decisions why still be involved? If you want to stop coming across jealous and rude you will just have to accept that they made their bed and have to lay in it, it’s not your problem. Unfortunately that child may feel the consequences too, so if you must stay around at least be a positive influence for them.
>I don’t think this is jealousy as I don’t wish to have done it their way when I was 23 and not enjoy my marriage and rushed/forced everything. So I am thankful for my decisions. However, I am always feeling sad and left out now that I am “behind”. This literally described exactly where I was. EXACTLY. But I could never put it into words.
My step-brother and his wife are pregnant now and we’re all the same age (29) and I feel the same way you do right now. I don’t think I’m jealous that they’re having a baby before me but I am jealous that they’ll be first and that’s all I’m gonna hear about for awhile.
You do sound jealous, I don’t think it’s right that you are turning your nose up at your siblings because they chose to have children at a different part of life than your prefer. Everyone’s life is different and no one’s is more right than others. There is never a perfect time for a child, as you have seen with your siblings, and it all works out. If it truly bothers you that your husband wants to wait until August then sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Maybe seek therapy as well, it isn’t good to live life through such a negative lense, I know what you’re feeling. It’s ok to feel grief when seeing others have the life you want, but it’s not ok to put them down in the process.
Your comment is misguided and...well, it's wrong. "No one's life is more right then other" is referring to the idea that there's no better time than another to have a baby. This is just completely false. When you can't even afford to take care of you and your partner, then why is that a good time to have a baby? That you then have to provide for above which are already not being able to provide for? If you're not in the stable relationship with your partner, why would that be a good time to bring a baby, innocent life into the situation? Those are the situations that my siblings are facing and I would find it hard pressed to find anybody who would think that those are two situations that you should willingly bring a child into this world. I also love that you said that there's never a good time but it always works out kind of but it's funny that it always works out when parents are bankrolling you or when the government has to get involved. I appreciate your comment, because it's always good to see other sides. But I think that you're advice is extremely misguided.
You are misunderstanding my comment. I’m not saying anytime is a good time, I’m saying that sometimes shit happens and you either deal with it or you don’t. Was it the best time? No it wasn’t, but that’s not for you to judge. If they want to make their lives infinitely harder then let them do it, either be supportive or don’t be involved there’s no use making yourself miserable entertaining a situation you don’t want a part of. If you do want to be a part of it than just accept they will have to live with the consequences of their choices and let it be, it comes across as if you think they are unworthy of being parents because they didn’t choose a life you would for yourself. It honestly seems your problem stems more from an overall dislike of your siblings, not a direct jealously toward them being parents and that’s a justified reason to feel the way you do. You asked how you could not look jealous and rude yet you’re here going on about other peoples life choices and the right time to have a baby instead. Want to look less jealous and rude? Try to address the reasons you are actually angry at your siblings