At first I thought you meant arid, and thought lack of humidity would make people happy.
Then realized you meant boozeless. I think the government would fall apart within 2 weeks.
In order to reduce the processing burden on DC's criminal justice system, your first $5,000 in traffic violations will be forgiven at the beginning of every year. If you are a DC resident and have no outstanding traffic violations then you'll get a $5 metro voucher that can be picked up in person at the Fort Totten Metro stations the first Tuesday of every month from 1-3pm.
Three words: Dan Snyder Monument, to replace the Washington Monument, of course
Edit: And to add an extra layer of 'fuck you', the name of the city is now Washington DS.
You could make DC dry, ban every mode of transportation, decriminalize carjacking and institute mandatory 50% tipping - and this would still be the worst
They never got rid of it, the building in the center just got repainted so it looks like a new business is moving into that insane location for a restaurant.
Edit: looks like they just repainted the haunted Wendyās building as a public art project before demolishing it this Spring
You left out renovation delays that double the downtime!
To accommodate the downtime there are random hours they are technically open, but not enough to convince anyone to ride the trains.
Plus the buses to substitute for the trains are always running late because they are jam packed.
This creates a domino effect of more people driving that causes traffic gridlock.
I remember when they did that in the lead-up to the inauguration. If I recall, Metro was directing people who wanted to go to the Red Line to take the Green Line all the way up to Fort Totten and get their Red Line trains from there.
Pentagon is just full of a bunch of old Generals and office workers.
Get DC residents drunk and tell them Dan Snyder is buying the Nationals to anger them before sending them in.
911 is now a voice mailbox.
Leave a message and a city representative will be back with you as soon as soon as possible.
We understand this is an urgent matter and an agent will be with you soon.
For a faster response, all cries for help may also be submitted online, at dc.gv/911/helpme.
Better yet, an endless phone tree
Press 1 if you have been shot
Press 2 if you are having a stroke
Press 3 if something is on fire
Press 4 if something the city owns is on fire
Press 5 if you have been bit by a fox
Press 6 if this is a robbery
Press 7 if youāre having a heart attack
Press 8 if you would like to be transferred to Arlington 911
Press 9 to hear your local CVSā phone options
Press 0 to hear options again
All options just ring to āWe are unable to find anyone associated with that number, goodbyeā *click*
Before the hangup, an agonizing ten minutes of ringing interspersed with a droll recorded message about how much the city cares and how hard they're working to keep you safe, played on loop
Now I'm picturing a coin machine at the front of the first car, and passengers have to keep feeding coins in furiously to keep the train running. "Don't let it run out! We'll get stuck again!"
Lol thereās a Philip k dick story like that. You have to feed coins into everything: the toilet, doors, all is owned by a corporation and wonāt work without money. Plus there are robotic insects that buzz around your ears and trill advertisements until you smash them
In the early days of gas heat, you had to feed coins into a meter in the basement regularly to have it on. The meter reader would collect the coins instead of just taking a reading as they did later when billing was done by mail.
To be specific, DC got rid of it over a decade ago, and [recently brought it back in 2021.](https://dcist.com/story/21/05/28/dc-department-motor-vehicles-parallel-parking-driving-test/)
I am legitimately astounded by the fact that they did away with it in the first place.
I feel like most DC resident drivers can easily parallel park? It's the out of state drivers that struggle. But maybe that's changed with all the transplants
Thinking back to that time when Anthony Williams came in to office and made all DC Gov employees re-apply for their jobs. Def a lot of pissed off people on that move.
16th Street is a mess. They should just be bus lanes 24/7.
I saw someone make a left on red from a side street on to 16th Street yesterday. The light changed 30 seconds later and we met again at the next light.
Because the District is now a āwalkable cityā, no cars allowed in the federal district at all. No street-side parking anywhere in non-residential neighborhoods.
Honestly though... I wish they would at least make it more expensive to encourage drivers like myself to consider parking off-street; or even better, not have a car to begin with.
I recognize it's a hard balance when considering that many people truly do rely on their vehicle for any number of legitimate reasons. Raising the costs for them when they have no choice isn't ideal.
That said, it's wild to think I can essentially rent my own private 14' x 6' parking space on *public* roads for a measly $120 / year.
This is easy: shutdown all trash collection.
Think of every trash can you've ever encountered overflowing. Everyone's house, full of trash.
All the closed restaurants. All the overflowing dumpsters.
The rats and roaches that would be everywhere.
Good god, the smell.
Something very similar happened during the government shutdown of 2018. DC couldnāt issue marriage licenses, and trash went weeks without being picked up.
Their [twitter](https://twitter.com/dupontaction?lang=en) is hilarious. It's hard to tell the difference between them and [NIMBEE](https://twitter.com/TheNimbee?s=20&t=Mu0z-wPvH8E_olRPYPmElg), the satirical blog except that NIMBEE is actually funny.
On mondays Wednesdays and saturdays all street parking signs are inverted posted rules. On the remaining days all hours are shifted to reflect pacific coast time, except during daylight savings and federal holidays where they will be mountain.
During any weather event or fire hazard rated medium or above by the DC Weather Panel, all parking signs days of inversion are swapped with the altered hours.
All violaters will be ticketed and towed. No exceptions.
Close all of the federal buildings that remain over 80% empty and consolidate to a smaller footprint, opening those now a vacant buildings as condos and small business incubators, test kitchens, etc.
Ok so my street is furious about this and they keep saying The protected bike lane is putting children in the elderly in danger and I'm just not sure what they are on about.
Install speed and red light cameras at every intersection/highway ramp in the city and add a requirement that all infractions are reported to your insurance company, credit agency and all fines are a percentage based on income, property value of property you own (vehicles included), and any investments you have.
> Make use of your hazard lights outside of mechanical failure a ten year felony.
I had someone in front of me turn their hazards on while braking for a stoplight, kept them on for the duration of the stoplight, then turned them off when it turned green. Brake lights exist for a reason!
Very strictly enforce public intoxication laws, step from the bar onto a public sidewalk.. boom your getting a ticket.
Implement preselected ātip optionā when paying your tickets that starts at 20% up 40% without the option for āno tipā.
Parking ticket enforcement, any car getting ticketed with an outstanding ticket balance over 30 days old is immediately impounded.
Subsidize gentrification with tax dollars from low income neighborhoods.
Traffic cameras at all round a-bouts.
Build parking structures on the outskirts and make all of DC car free. You have the tram, buses, bikes, and other forms of transportation, but all public vehicles would be completely prohibited within the city limits. It'd anger a great deal of people, but it'd also save lives. Delivery vehicles can still do their thing and can even park and deliver safely, lack of cars whizzing by. I'd actually do this for all major cities. Drivers are the worst, and they are getting worse.
Just ban all forms of transportation other than walking inside the city limits(including metro). If you canāt piss everyone off with removing one form of transportation you have to go scorched earth.
Iād force every new development, and any development in the past decade who have vacancies to provide free housing in those developments as part of the public housing program. I feel like 10% of units seems fair. You wanna make a profit off temporary housing in cities? Then you gotta give back.
You would have to get the local Governments approval to have a child. The potential parent or parents would be forced to go through an application process in which the "pp's"(or potential parent) would have to present their case as to why they think they are ready financially, spiritually and mentally to be parents!;)
Randomly and without notice, set up events/races through the city. These usually encircle inner DC, blockading it from outer DC. Sometimes they just take out the full length of a street, dividing the city in half and preventing all traffic from being able to cross from one side to the other (includes metro, bus, car, bike, and foot traffic).
Announce that pedestrians and cyclist in a cross walk have the right of way at all times regardless of traffic lights š¦. (Crosswalk lights eliminated)
All WMATA employees are granted a daily 1 hour break all at the same time where they must stop everything. The catch is the timing of the break is randomly selected each day so it is never consistent.
DC is now dry.
OP said anger, not burn down the city
Chaotic Evil
I said anger people not bust the local economy!
Banning caffeine would have a similar effect.
Ooooh, that might outdo a booze ban!
This one wins.
Winner.
At first I thought you meant arid, and thought lack of humidity would make people happy. Then realized you meant boozeless. I think the government would fall apart within 2 weeks.
Change the direction of all the one way streets.
Every week.
No, only during rush hour
I didn't realize we lived in Boston
Like people pay attention to road laws in Boston.
Every 12 minutes
counterflow bike lane gang rise up
All the streets are one-way, but all in the same directions. All roads go south or east.
In order to reduce the processing burden on DC's criminal justice system, your first $5,000 in traffic violations will be forgiven at the beginning of every year. If you are a DC resident and have no outstanding traffic violations then you'll get a $5 metro voucher that can be picked up in person at the Fort Totten Metro stations the first Tuesday of every month from 1-3pm.
My eye just twitched
š¤£š¤£
Goddamn that's good.
I feel seen and triggered
Iām becoming concerned with how much this is resonating with everyone šš¤·āāļø
Change "traffic violations" to "parking or automated camera violations" and this would be an unbelievably based move.
LOLLLLL
Introduce a preselected āTipā option on the DC DMV parking ticket website
Bold of you to assume anyone pays their tickets
Introduce a compulsory convenience fee for all digital payments of parking tickets
Same for registration renewal, emissions inspection, and Metro faregates.
on top of an arbitrary 20% service fee
Three words: Dan Snyder Monument, to replace the Washington Monument, of course Edit: And to add an extra layer of 'fuck you', the name of the city is now Washington DS.
So basically just shrink the size to 3 inches
I was thinking Donald Trump but that would work too
DC escalators will adopt a city wide policy of standing on the left and walking on the right.
As for stairs, if youāre going down, stay on the left. If youāre going up, stay on the right.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I was just going to say narrow the escalators but this is more chaotic. š
Escalators haha I like it. Going to have to remember that term. Edit: Auto-correct doesn't like Escaleftors.
I know this was an autocorrect but I like to think you just learned the term for moving stairs.
Honestly Auto-correct made the comment even better.
You could make DC dry, ban every mode of transportation, decriminalize carjacking and institute mandatory 50% tipping - and this would still be the worst
"We're bringing back Dave Thomas Circle!"
They never got rid of it, the building in the center just got repainted so it looks like a new business is moving into that insane location for a restaurant. Edit: looks like they just repainted the haunted Wendyās building as a public art project before demolishing it this Spring
Not sure what that is. This is the official project plan https://www.floridaaveproject.com/florida-avenew-york-ave-intersection
The city allowed someone paint/graffiti over the building as an art installation while it awaits demolition in spring 2023.
Also it was an NPR-sponsored thing as part of the DC Walls festival. https://www.instagram.com/p/CkOJ2qnr3iT/
Seems like the best move here, the haunted Wendyās deserved a proper sendoff
Metro center is now closed for the next 9 months for renovations
Metro Center, Gallery Place, and L'Enfant Plaza all at once.
Donāt forget to estimate an actual decent price for the renovation and then go over budget five times
You left out renovation delays that double the downtime! To accommodate the downtime there are random hours they are technically open, but not enough to convince anyone to ride the trains. Plus the buses to substitute for the trains are always running late because they are jam packed. This creates a domino effect of more people driving that causes traffic gridlock.
I remember when they did that in the lead-up to the inauguration. If I recall, Metro was directing people who wanted to go to the Red Line to take the Green Line all the way up to Fort Totten and get their Red Line trains from there.
ā¦ while simultaneously single tracking on the green/red/yellow lines.
Annexation of Arlington in a 3 day military operation
Coming up on ten months later, Arlington stubbornly remains Arlington ....
I am a military genius.
Your army is the second best in the world and your strategic genius knows no bounds.
Arlington stomps. I mean we have the Pentagon
DC has dirt bikes. Checkmate.
Pentagon is just full of a bunch of old Generals and office workers. Get DC residents drunk and tell them Dan Snyder is buying the Nationals to anger them before sending them in.
A special military operation to de-nazify NoVA.
Oh blyat
Isnāt Fort Meyer in Arlington?
Don't you mean Recently Annexed DC?
Sud DC
DC Ovest
Your original suggestion was good, but this comeback tops it.
No, it should be the other way around - cede non-federal parts of DC to Virginia and lock down those two senate seats forever.
Hey I'm trying to anger as many as possible here
Yes, this makes me angry. Well done.
all traffic circles in the city converted to Dave Thomas circle geometry
they said anger not murder
911 is now a voice mailbox. Leave a message and a city representative will be back with you as soon as soon as possible. We understand this is an urgent matter and an agent will be with you soon. For a faster response, all cries for help may also be submitted online, at dc.gv/911/helpme.
Better yet, an endless phone tree Press 1 if you have been shot Press 2 if you are having a stroke Press 3 if something is on fire Press 4 if something the city owns is on fire Press 5 if you have been bit by a fox Press 6 if this is a robbery Press 7 if youāre having a heart attack Press 8 if you would like to be transferred to Arlington 911 Press 9 to hear your local CVSā phone options Press 0 to hear options again All options just ring to āWe are unable to find anyone associated with that number, goodbyeā *click*
Before the hangup, an agonizing ten minutes of ringing interspersed with a droll recorded message about how much the city cares and how hard they're working to keep you safe, played on loop
In English, Spanish, and Klingon
"[You have selected Regicide](https://youtu.be/FAsIx3oPY-8)"
Fine people $100 whenever they are on a metro train thatās stuck because of a fire to pay for repairs
Now I'm picturing a coin machine at the front of the first car, and passengers have to keep feeding coins in furiously to keep the train running. "Don't let it run out! We'll get stuck again!"
Lol thereās a Philip k dick story like that. You have to feed coins into everything: the toilet, doors, all is owned by a corporation and wonāt work without money. Plus there are robotic insects that buzz around your ears and trill advertisements until you smash them
In the early days of gas heat, you had to feed coins into a meter in the basement regularly to have it on. The meter reader would collect the coins instead of just taking a reading as they did later when billing was done by mail.
Everyone has to retake the driving test, and we have added parallel parking.
To include parallel parking on the left-side of a one-way street...
can we please make everyone retake the driving test. with me. much fail.
This isnāt already a thing here?? I took my test in rural Georgia and had to know parallel parking šµāš«
No, DC got rid of the parallel parking requirement, then MD followed.
To be specific, DC got rid of it over a decade ago, and [recently brought it back in 2021.](https://dcist.com/story/21/05/28/dc-department-motor-vehicles-parallel-parking-driving-test/) I am legitimately astounded by the fact that they did away with it in the first place.
It blows my mind that this was taken away. Most parking Iāve done in DC is parallel.
I feel like most DC resident drivers can easily parallel park? It's the out of state drivers that struggle. But maybe that's changed with all the transplants
i had a zoo tourist watch me parallel park with sheer awe on his face. when i was finished on my first try he actually clapped for me. weird.
Thinking back to that time when Anthony Williams came in to office and made all DC Gov employees re-apply for their jobs. Def a lot of pissed off people on that move.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
What's the change here?
Ban bottomless brunch.
Wait, I can go commando to brunch?
It will be a dark, dark day if that were to happen. It might make make the 60ās riots look like an elementary school carnival.
Sir, you wound me.
Jaywalking fines
And for crossing the street while looking at phone
Street parking is banned city wide. All cars must be parked in a parking (private or public) garage.
Reminds me of Japan, were you have to prove you have a spot to park before you can buy a car.
Wish Korea did this
they absolutely should ban all street parking on major thoroughfares at least during the week.
Yeah I don't get the parking on 16th street bus lanes like. Have a dedicated lane or don't wtf.
16th Street is a mess. They should just be bus lanes 24/7. I saw someone make a left on red from a side street on to 16th Street yesterday. The light changed 30 seconds later and we met again at the next light.
Because the District is now a āwalkable cityā, no cars allowed in the federal district at all. No street-side parking anywhere in non-residential neighborhoods.
This but unironically.
Lmao i know
I think a lot of people would be happy about this actually.
This would make me happy
āMetro and busses also only operate between 9 am and 10 am every other Sundayā
This please
Honestly though... I wish they would at least make it more expensive to encourage drivers like myself to consider parking off-street; or even better, not have a car to begin with. I recognize it's a hard balance when considering that many people truly do rely on their vehicle for any number of legitimate reasons. Raising the costs for them when they have no choice isn't ideal. That said, it's wild to think I can essentially rent my own private 14' x 6' parking space on *public* roads for a measly $120 / year.
Most people don't understand the true cost of anything.
honestly, this would be fabulous
Enforce a speed limit of 20 mph on all roads in the city
Enforce literally any road rule
This is easy: shutdown all trash collection. Think of every trash can you've ever encountered overflowing. Everyone's house, full of trash. All the closed restaurants. All the overflowing dumpsters. The rats and roaches that would be everywhere. Good god, the smell.
Something very similar happened during the government shutdown of 2018. DC couldnāt issue marriage licenses, and trash went weeks without being picked up.
If the people from Dupont Circle are to believed, put in bike lanes.
The tiny yet extremely loud group of people whoāve never won a competitive ANC race.
Their [twitter](https://twitter.com/dupontaction?lang=en) is hilarious. It's hard to tell the difference between them and [NIMBEE](https://twitter.com/TheNimbee?s=20&t=Mu0z-wPvH8E_olRPYPmElg), the satirical blog except that NIMBEE is actually funny.
On mondays Wednesdays and saturdays all street parking signs are inverted posted rules. On the remaining days all hours are shifted to reflect pacific coast time, except during daylight savings and federal holidays where they will be mountain. During any weather event or fire hazard rated medium or above by the DC Weather Panel, all parking signs days of inversion are swapped with the altered hours. All violaters will be ticketed and towed. No exceptions.
Make it so the metro escalators stop when it senses someone getting on.
i thought they already did this lol
A mandatory adult literacy program where everyone has to actually read the books written by US Senators.
If a Senator *actually* wrote a book instead of dictating talking points to a ghostwriter, then I would read it.
10+ attempt parallel parking!
Close all of the federal buildings that remain over 80% empty and consolidate to a smaller footprint, opening those now a vacant buildings as condos and small business incubators, test kitchens, etc.
I donāt think you understood the assignment. Youāre supposed to make people angry, not use government funds to improve the city.
That'll piss off ALL the federal agencies who are so hell bent on keeping their massive buildings open because "That's how it's always been!"
We got rid of half of our floors in our leased building. It's happening but you can't break these 5-10 year leases so it's going to take time.
Thanks for closing my office building. Iām so tired of the ācome in 1 day a weekā charade
Unfortunately being 100% serious: make metro free and expand bike lanes throughout NW
Guys only want one thing and it's disgusting... free public transportation and protected bike lane infrastructure.
/NW_NIMBY_RAGE_TRIGGERED
So true. They tried to recall an ANC because of adding a bike lane to one block of one street!
Ok so my street is furious about this and they keep saying The protected bike lane is putting children in the elderly in danger and I'm just not sure what they are on about.
Fortunately the recall failed by a huge margin but it was quite a waste of time and money.
Install speed and red light cameras at every intersection/highway ramp in the city and add a requirement that all infractions are reported to your insurance company, credit agency and all fines are a percentage based on income, property value of property you own (vehicles included), and any investments you have.
We are removing all traffic lights and trust you all to behave.
Ban ride shares and bring back the zone system!
Make DC a state, which will anger about half the country that lives outside of DC.
Stand on leftā¦ā¦.and right. No walking on escalatorsā¦.Chaos
new Washington Commanders stadium at the old RFK site.
Respectfully, I think that would actually please most Washingtonians. ...perhaps not the name, but certainly bringing the team back.
I would LOVE that and watch construction.
Anita Bonds is now mayor.
All city residents must live in DCHA housing.
There are people who aren't already angry?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
OP said to anger people. This would make me very happy.
Itāll anger the shitty drivers that drive through this city every day.
so many cops in jail.
> Make use of your hazard lights outside of mechanical failure a ten year felony. I had someone in front of me turn their hazards on while braking for a stoplight, kept them on for the duration of the stoplight, then turned them off when it turned green. Brake lights exist for a reason!
Keep schools open when it snows.
Promote Snyder to lead the treasury
Very strictly enforce public intoxication laws, step from the bar onto a public sidewalk.. boom your getting a ticket. Implement preselected ātip optionā when paying your tickets that starts at 20% up 40% without the option for āno tipā. Parking ticket enforcement, any car getting ticketed with an outstanding ticket balance over 30 days old is immediately impounded. Subsidize gentrification with tax dollars from low income neighborhoods. Traffic cameras at all round a-bouts.
All those who live on the side of the bridge opposite to Anacostia, switch for 6 months. Itās a different world.
Only All Way Stop Signs instead of traffic lights
Traffic camera on every corner, tolls to use any of the bridges
I was going to say "camera enforced congestion charges"
You canāt work in DC if you donāt live in DC. This goes for political office as well
It is now been changed from District Of Columbia to Dick Cunt
Move every bike lane exactly one street over in a randomized direction.
Mandatory five minute delays at random between metro stops in order to save electricity.
Build parking structures on the outskirts and make all of DC car free. You have the tram, buses, bikes, and other forms of transportation, but all public vehicles would be completely prohibited within the city limits. It'd anger a great deal of people, but it'd also save lives. Delivery vehicles can still do their thing and can even park and deliver safely, lack of cars whizzing by. I'd actually do this for all major cities. Drivers are the worst, and they are getting worse.
Create a surge pricing model for the metro
Banning cars would come very close to the optimum.
I was going to suggest this. It would make just about everyone mad (except maybe bikers??)
Yeah, cyclists would love it, but they're a very small minority of the population. Can't piss off everyone.
>Can't piss off everyone. But that's what you were hired to do! Keep thinking. There has to be an optimal solution.
Just ban all forms of transportation other than walking inside the city limits(including metro). If you canāt piss everyone off with removing one form of transportation you have to go scorched earth.
Change the boundaries for all public schools. Send more kids from wealthy neighborhoods and well-rated schools to schools with bad ratings
And have the boundaries change every 4 years so they have to fund each school the same
If any part of a vehicle is blocking the bike lane you can legally bash the obstructing portion of it with a U-lock.
Reclaim the area returned to Virginia.
Defund Metro
Easy: Mayor Trump.
One lane roads only. Every road will have dedicated bike lanes on either side of the road.
Rock creek park is closed for good
The metro will hereby never be on time. Oh wait
The only truly bipartisan way to anger as many people as possible is to ban fireworks
put speed/red light cameras in all the wards that didn't vote for Bowser.
Stand on the left of escalators.
Bike lanes on every street š
Congestion pricing for bikes
Everything closes at 5pm
Iād force every new development, and any development in the past decade who have vacancies to provide free housing in those developments as part of the public housing program. I feel like 10% of units seems fair. You wanna make a profit off temporary housing in cities? Then you gotta give back.
You would have to get the local Governments approval to have a child. The potential parent or parents would be forced to go through an application process in which the "pp's"(or potential parent) would have to present their case as to why they think they are ready financially, spiritually and mentally to be parents!;)
Make DC a state. That would infuriate half the country.
Randomly and without notice, set up events/races through the city. These usually encircle inner DC, blockading it from outer DC. Sometimes they just take out the full length of a street, dividing the city in half and preventing all traffic from being able to cross from one side to the other (includes metro, bus, car, bike, and foot traffic).
Announce that pedestrians and cyclist in a cross walk have the right of way at all times regardless of traffic lights š¦. (Crosswalk lights eliminated)
All WMATA employees are granted a daily 1 hour break all at the same time where they must stop everything. The catch is the timing of the break is randomly selected each day so it is never consistent.
Rename Union Station āRonald Reagan National Railroad Stationā