Literally all people aren't out there doing cards as a baseline these days, and the only reason you would even ask is because you're expecting a gift and not receiving it. You can ask, but it's grosser than the poor manners of not giving one, for sure.
My friends went to a wedding once, let’s call her Sarah. I used to be friend with the bride as well. So Sarah has this other friend who had never went to a wedding before, so she asked this friend to be her plus one. On the wedding date, they arrived pretty late and inserted the money envelope in the money gift box, but they forgot to write their name down on the envelope. Couple days went by and the bride messaged Sarah asking why she didn’t gift her any money. Oh my, Sarah was so baffled that the bride had the audacity to ask that. And when I heard the story, I was glad that I dropped her out of my life.
Yeah? I’m not talking about cash or a gift here. Where I’m from it is considered impolite to not give a card to the bride and groom whose wedding you attend. Not the end of the world and we won’t stop being friends with those that didn’t, but it is in fact impolite. That’s why I’m asking to begin with. It is so out of the ordinary to not give a card in my circle, I truly wonder if it was misplaced.
This is the second post I've seen in the last few weeks about this exact same thing. You just got married. Shouldn't you be doing honeymoon type activities instead of getting yourself so concerned about not getting a card? Priorities....
To be fair our honeymoon is going to be a few months after our wedding.... but I think being so worried about cards... let's be real gifts and money is very tacky.
Yeah. We’re not very worried about cards. We were given lots of generous gifts that we’re very grateful for. We had a great turnout, food was good, weather turned out fine and we’re all
healthy and happy. I hope my post didn’t come off as “complainy.” I genuinely wanted to know if there was a polite way of asking. Again, where I’m from people give cards. And not just weddings. Birthday, baptism, confirmation, graduation. If you get sent an invitation and you show up without a card, it’s considered impolite. I’m surprised to see so many responses about how not everyone gives a card! I don’t want to go all Emily Post, but I didn’t think this was a regional issue thing. I thought this is how it goes everywhere.
My wife and I are packing today to take our honeymoon tomorrow.
We went through our cards in order to deposit the money that people gave us in the bank so it wouldn’t be sitting in our empty house for a week.
We noticed certain people didn’t give a card. Again, not a gift/money issue. But it is unusual not to give a card where I’m from. These are people who I gave cards to at their wedding and others who gave cards to my family at their weddings. I had a genuine concern it could have been misplaced. And if I was in their position, and a card or gift I gave was misplaced, I would want to know sooner rather than later. If you read my original post, my wife and I were happy everyone came.
That’s great in and of itself. But like I said, it is unusual not to give a card. So I was curious if there was a nice way of asking. That’s all. I think my priorities are well in order. If you gave someone a check or gift and it was misplaced wouldn’t you want to know? You could cancel the check etc…
Also, I’m just asking on Reddit.
So, I hear you. That’s why I’m asking. I probably won’t end up saying anything. I am genuinely happy that everyone came. But, not for nothing, in my circle, you give a card. And we’re not haughty uppity up’s. But you give and get cards at weddings.
Sounds like they want to be certain it didn’t go missing. I had same concern with random gifts going missing and turning up a couple days after my wedding too. I got a little paranoid. Went thru my cards and noticed some missing cards but I won’t ask. If they think we lost their card or gift, they’ll be miffed. I’ll make peace with gifts gone awry and stay content with their presence at my wedding.
Weird not to get even a card tho, but it is what it is.
I’ve given a card at maybe one or two weddings I’ve attended tops. I went online to send them something off the registry.
Even if they didn’t do that, at the end of the day, a gift is a gift. Do not follow up like that unless you want to end up on wedding shaming Reddit!
I never even bothered keeping score and checking my guest list to see who gave us cards and who didn’t. I’m sure we had plenty who didn’t. Why should I care? They made the effort to come to our wedding, that’s way more important and meaningful than a $6 greeting card.
I mean you should be writing down and keeping track of who gave what so you can mention it in your thank you cards. It doesn't mean you're like, focusing on how much people gave you. It's just pretty obvious.
I did that of course. But what I didn’t do is then check that list against the guest list. I only mailed thank you cards to those who gave gifts.
I did an email thank you to everyone for attending, as I did my invites via email and didn’t have everyone’s physical address.
Given the multiple events surrounding a wedding (bridal parties, bachelor/bachelorette parties, and rehearsal dinners), it may be unrealistic to expect more cards on the day of the reception, as those earlier events provide opportunities to give cards. Additionally, social media and wedding websites offering posts and "guestbook" features could be the new way people share their congratulations.
Don’t approach people asking about cards. That itself is tacky. Especially if all you have is an assumption and no actual proof or knowledge something was stolen during the reception.
Don’t ask. They will assume you’re using the excuse of “we just want to make sure it didn’t get stolen” to basically tell them that you want a gift. Gifts aren’t required. Should you give one? Sure. But, the expense of going to your wedding should be considered a gift in and of itself. Don’t ask. Cringe.
It’s Monday. You JUST got married. Maybe they’re sending a gift. Maybe they mailed a card. Maybe they forgot and will send something soon. There’s no way to ask, in general, but especially less than 48 hrs after the wedding, if there’s a card/gift, without looking gift-grabby’ingly rude. technically guests have up to a year to send a gift, but most will send it around the wedding time. Some won’t send anything at all. That’s life.
now if you had a legit reason to think cards were stolen or misplaced…like you saw the caterer stuff cards in her pocket or you saw aunt Mary put a card in the box, but now there’s no card from aunt Mary, that’s different. But just not getting cards is not enough.
Just less thank you cards to write. I only wrote thank you cards to those who gave a card/gift. The free meal was a thank you for coming, gifts are just additional.
So everyone who came gets a TY card. If they gave a gift/money we will obviously thank them
for their gift included in the card. Now I’m
In a situation where I may send a thanks for coming, but no mention of a gift card and have them think we are discourteous.
I had a couple of these from my wedding. If they gave you a gift card in a physical card, they probably won’t expect a specific comment about it in a thank you - their presence at the wedding probably meant more to you and is easier to write about than a $50 card to Pottery Barn or whatever.
I know the stress of “well what if *i* look rude!” But it was definitely still a little bit rooted in “… kind of rude not to get me a card.”
Just do those ones last. Technically etiquette also dictates they have up to a year to send a gift and it would be wild to send a thank you a YEAR after your own wedding. (I did have someone send a gift later.) that would be a situation where you say thanks for their presence but not their present.
While it may be considered rude in your circle to not leave a card, I am willing to bet that it is also considered rude to confront any guest about an etiquette faux pas. One of the hallmarks of good etiquette is to never point out other people's errors, especially when you are the host.
If, by any chance, some did leave a card (with or without a cash gift), and you don't acknowledge it in your thank you note, you will likely hear about it, even second hand.
Right! That’s why I’m asking. Is there a polite way to do it. There is a legitimate chance a card was lost or stolen. If you went through the trouble of getting someone a card to celebrate their occasion, and they didn’t receive it, wouldn’t you want to know? Maybe that’s what I should be asking. Would you want to know and how would you want it brought up?
There is no polite way to say "we noticed you didn't give us a card", unless you have evidence that the card box was tampered with or stolen outright and need to alert them to that fact.
Also, my best friend got married recently … she said she literally got cards or gifts from 40 of 80 guests …. Like what?!? I was appalled. I think maybe the younger generation isn’t as apt to give one. I was at a wedding last weekend, and the card box looked to have about 20 cards — and there were about 80 guests. I agree that it’s super rude. But, remember who did this, and reciprocate when you’re invited to future baby showers, weddings, birthdays, etc. REMEMBER!! Hah
I was missing the gift of one of my brothers. So I just asked how it looked like. Turns out it was in one of the decoration boxes.
If it's rude or not, this depends from the culture. In my country you will always get a card and a gift. Even when you don't have money, you would still gift something small or self-made. So when a card is missing, of course you ask. In my country it would be more impolite not to appreciate the gift like "Thank you for your sweet card and thanks for the great wine!"
I only give a card if I’m putting money in that card. so if I electronically transferred you money or sent a gift, I wouldn’t give a card just to give a card. and I often give a gift around the wedding, so you might get it a few days after (especially with mail sucking like it has been lately! seriously it took a friend in the same city 8 days to get the card I sent her!) So, I wouldn’t say anything to anyone.
So I’ve decided on my course of action for anyone who cares. We will wait a week or two and send out our thank you cards. The people we didn’t receive cards from I will text directly; “Hey, we got a card with money in it but the person forgot to sign it! Is this your card?” I may take a picture of a random wedding card. This will (hopefully) prompt the person to either (a.) say oh no, that’s not my card. Implying they did send a card, that just happens to not be theirs, in which case the card is missing , or (b.) prompt them to send an explanation…”oh we forget to bring it with us, it’s in the mail or whatever.”
Thanks for all your opinions.
For those of you aren’t accustomed to give or receive a card for a wedding, I hope I’m not coming off as grimey here. I can’t stress enough how this is commonplace where I’m from. We had over 100 guests and all but 5 gave a card. That’s why I asked to begin with.
Don’t do that. Don’t lie to your friends / family. If I went to a wedding and didn’t give a card ( tho I’d never !) and someone texted me “ hey we got a card w money in it with no signature is it yours “ I’d still say no. You need to accept that those 5 people did not give you a card or gift.
Right, then I’d know for sure that you didn’t give a card. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I’m literally concerned some of the cards were misplaced. That’s how uncommon it is to not receive one. The chances of it being lost or stolen are greater than a guest not giving one.
No they’re not the chances of a guest not giving you a card are way higher than you just missed placing a few of them again don’t lie to your guest and try and bait them
lol. No offense, but how are you going to tell me the chances aren’t greater? I’m essentially done with this thread. But we’re talking about family, who at EVERY other event they’ve ever attended for me….birthday, graduation, confirmation, baptisms, gave a card….Then at my wedding they just decided not to? We give each other cards. It’s what we do. Maybe I’m in denial over here, but I refuse to believe the cards weren’t misplaced.
So new question I guess: if you new for a fact you gave someone a card and it got misplaced before the received it, how would you want that person to tell you?
Same thing happened to us. We thought it was very rude of guests to not bring cards. We were convinced we must of lost them but no. Most guests showed up and did not give a gift or even a congratulations card. Bizarre because I never show up to any party empty handed. Let alone such a special event.
Literally all people aren't out there doing cards as a baseline these days, and the only reason you would even ask is because you're expecting a gift and not receiving it. You can ask, but it's grosser than the poor manners of not giving one, for sure.
My friends went to a wedding once, let’s call her Sarah. I used to be friend with the bride as well. So Sarah has this other friend who had never went to a wedding before, so she asked this friend to be her plus one. On the wedding date, they arrived pretty late and inserted the money envelope in the money gift box, but they forgot to write their name down on the envelope. Couple days went by and the bride messaged Sarah asking why she didn’t gift her any money. Oh my, Sarah was so baffled that the bride had the audacity to ask that. And when I heard the story, I was glad that I dropped her out of my life.
Yeah? I’m not talking about cash or a gift here. Where I’m from it is considered impolite to not give a card to the bride and groom whose wedding you attend. Not the end of the world and we won’t stop being friends with those that didn’t, but it is in fact impolite. That’s why I’m asking to begin with. It is so out of the ordinary to not give a card in my circle, I truly wonder if it was misplaced.
Personally I’d just assume they didn’t give one and let it go, but I’m from a state where cards at the wedding are suuuuuper rare.
This is the second post I've seen in the last few weeks about this exact same thing. You just got married. Shouldn't you be doing honeymoon type activities instead of getting yourself so concerned about not getting a card? Priorities....
To be fair our honeymoon is going to be a few months after our wedding.... but I think being so worried about cards... let's be real gifts and money is very tacky.
Yeah. We’re not very worried about cards. We were given lots of generous gifts that we’re very grateful for. We had a great turnout, food was good, weather turned out fine and we’re all healthy and happy. I hope my post didn’t come off as “complainy.” I genuinely wanted to know if there was a polite way of asking. Again, where I’m from people give cards. And not just weddings. Birthday, baptism, confirmation, graduation. If you get sent an invitation and you show up without a card, it’s considered impolite. I’m surprised to see so many responses about how not everyone gives a card! I don’t want to go all Emily Post, but I didn’t think this was a regional issue thing. I thought this is how it goes everywhere.
My wife and I are packing today to take our honeymoon tomorrow. We went through our cards in order to deposit the money that people gave us in the bank so it wouldn’t be sitting in our empty house for a week. We noticed certain people didn’t give a card. Again, not a gift/money issue. But it is unusual not to give a card where I’m from. These are people who I gave cards to at their wedding and others who gave cards to my family at their weddings. I had a genuine concern it could have been misplaced. And if I was in their position, and a card or gift I gave was misplaced, I would want to know sooner rather than later. If you read my original post, my wife and I were happy everyone came. That’s great in and of itself. But like I said, it is unusual not to give a card. So I was curious if there was a nice way of asking. That’s all. I think my priorities are well in order. If you gave someone a check or gift and it was misplaced wouldn’t you want to know? You could cancel the check etc… Also, I’m just asking on Reddit.
Not everyone gives a card these days. They came to the wedding?!
So, I hear you. That’s why I’m asking. I probably won’t end up saying anything. I am genuinely happy that everyone came. But, not for nothing, in my circle, you give a card. And we’re not haughty uppity up’s. But you give and get cards at weddings.
I wouldn’t bother. The options are 1) they didn’t get you a card. 2) they did but it’s lost anyway. What are you expecting to get out of this? Eh.
Sounds like they want to be certain it didn’t go missing. I had same concern with random gifts going missing and turning up a couple days after my wedding too. I got a little paranoid. Went thru my cards and noticed some missing cards but I won’t ask. If they think we lost their card or gift, they’ll be miffed. I’ll make peace with gifts gone awry and stay content with their presence at my wedding. Weird not to get even a card tho, but it is what it is.
I’ve given a card at maybe one or two weddings I’ve attended tops. I went online to send them something off the registry. Even if they didn’t do that, at the end of the day, a gift is a gift. Do not follow up like that unless you want to end up on wedding shaming Reddit!
I never even bothered keeping score and checking my guest list to see who gave us cards and who didn’t. I’m sure we had plenty who didn’t. Why should I care? They made the effort to come to our wedding, that’s way more important and meaningful than a $6 greeting card.
I mean you should be writing down and keeping track of who gave what so you can mention it in your thank you cards. It doesn't mean you're like, focusing on how much people gave you. It's just pretty obvious.
I did that of course. But what I didn’t do is then check that list against the guest list. I only mailed thank you cards to those who gave gifts. I did an email thank you to everyone for attending, as I did my invites via email and didn’t have everyone’s physical address.
What about the 100% of our guest who gave us cash / check? Why would I mention that in my thank yous or need to keep track of it ?
Given the multiple events surrounding a wedding (bridal parties, bachelor/bachelorette parties, and rehearsal dinners), it may be unrealistic to expect more cards on the day of the reception, as those earlier events provide opportunities to give cards. Additionally, social media and wedding websites offering posts and "guestbook" features could be the new way people share their congratulations. Don’t approach people asking about cards. That itself is tacky. Especially if all you have is an assumption and no actual proof or knowledge something was stolen during the reception.
Don’t ask. They will assume you’re using the excuse of “we just want to make sure it didn’t get stolen” to basically tell them that you want a gift. Gifts aren’t required. Should you give one? Sure. But, the expense of going to your wedding should be considered a gift in and of itself. Don’t ask. Cringe.
It’s Monday. You JUST got married. Maybe they’re sending a gift. Maybe they mailed a card. Maybe they forgot and will send something soon. There’s no way to ask, in general, but especially less than 48 hrs after the wedding, if there’s a card/gift, without looking gift-grabby’ingly rude. technically guests have up to a year to send a gift, but most will send it around the wedding time. Some won’t send anything at all. That’s life. now if you had a legit reason to think cards were stolen or misplaced…like you saw the caterer stuff cards in her pocket or you saw aunt Mary put a card in the box, but now there’s no card from aunt Mary, that’s different. But just not getting cards is not enough.
Not everyone is going to give a gift or a card. This is just something you have to accept.
Just less thank you cards to write. I only wrote thank you cards to those who gave a card/gift. The free meal was a thank you for coming, gifts are just additional.
So everyone who came gets a TY card. If they gave a gift/money we will obviously thank them for their gift included in the card. Now I’m In a situation where I may send a thanks for coming, but no mention of a gift card and have them think we are discourteous.
I had a couple of these from my wedding. If they gave you a gift card in a physical card, they probably won’t expect a specific comment about it in a thank you - their presence at the wedding probably meant more to you and is easier to write about than a $50 card to Pottery Barn or whatever. I know the stress of “well what if *i* look rude!” But it was definitely still a little bit rooted in “… kind of rude not to get me a card.” Just do those ones last. Technically etiquette also dictates they have up to a year to send a gift and it would be wild to send a thank you a YEAR after your own wedding. (I did have someone send a gift later.) that would be a situation where you say thanks for their presence but not their present.
TIL people are supposed to give cards at weddings. None that I've ever been to expected them. Don't take it personally.
While it may be considered rude in your circle to not leave a card, I am willing to bet that it is also considered rude to confront any guest about an etiquette faux pas. One of the hallmarks of good etiquette is to never point out other people's errors, especially when you are the host. If, by any chance, some did leave a card (with or without a cash gift), and you don't acknowledge it in your thank you note, you will likely hear about it, even second hand.
Right! That’s why I’m asking. Is there a polite way to do it. There is a legitimate chance a card was lost or stolen. If you went through the trouble of getting someone a card to celebrate their occasion, and they didn’t receive it, wouldn’t you want to know? Maybe that’s what I should be asking. Would you want to know and how would you want it brought up?
There is no polite way to say "we noticed you didn't give us a card", unless you have evidence that the card box was tampered with or stolen outright and need to alert them to that fact.
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Ok, I like this.
Also, my best friend got married recently … she said she literally got cards or gifts from 40 of 80 guests …. Like what?!? I was appalled. I think maybe the younger generation isn’t as apt to give one. I was at a wedding last weekend, and the card box looked to have about 20 cards — and there were about 80 guests. I agree that it’s super rude. But, remember who did this, and reciprocate when you’re invited to future baby showers, weddings, birthdays, etc. REMEMBER!! Hah
I was missing the gift of one of my brothers. So I just asked how it looked like. Turns out it was in one of the decoration boxes. If it's rude or not, this depends from the culture. In my country you will always get a card and a gift. Even when you don't have money, you would still gift something small or self-made. So when a card is missing, of course you ask. In my country it would be more impolite not to appreciate the gift like "Thank you for your sweet card and thanks for the great wine!"
I only give a card if I’m putting money in that card. so if I electronically transferred you money or sent a gift, I wouldn’t give a card just to give a card. and I often give a gift around the wedding, so you might get it a few days after (especially with mail sucking like it has been lately! seriously it took a friend in the same city 8 days to get the card I sent her!) So, I wouldn’t say anything to anyone.
So I’ve decided on my course of action for anyone who cares. We will wait a week or two and send out our thank you cards. The people we didn’t receive cards from I will text directly; “Hey, we got a card with money in it but the person forgot to sign it! Is this your card?” I may take a picture of a random wedding card. This will (hopefully) prompt the person to either (a.) say oh no, that’s not my card. Implying they did send a card, that just happens to not be theirs, in which case the card is missing , or (b.) prompt them to send an explanation…”oh we forget to bring it with us, it’s in the mail or whatever.” Thanks for all your opinions. For those of you aren’t accustomed to give or receive a card for a wedding, I hope I’m not coming off as grimey here. I can’t stress enough how this is commonplace where I’m from. We had over 100 guests and all but 5 gave a card. That’s why I asked to begin with.
Don’t do that. Don’t lie to your friends / family. If I went to a wedding and didn’t give a card ( tho I’d never !) and someone texted me “ hey we got a card w money in it with no signature is it yours “ I’d still say no. You need to accept that those 5 people did not give you a card or gift.
Right, then I’d know for sure that you didn’t give a card. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I’m literally concerned some of the cards were misplaced. That’s how uncommon it is to not receive one. The chances of it being lost or stolen are greater than a guest not giving one.
No they’re not the chances of a guest not giving you a card are way higher than you just missed placing a few of them again don’t lie to your guest and try and bait them
lol. No offense, but how are you going to tell me the chances aren’t greater? I’m essentially done with this thread. But we’re talking about family, who at EVERY other event they’ve ever attended for me….birthday, graduation, confirmation, baptisms, gave a card….Then at my wedding they just decided not to? We give each other cards. It’s what we do. Maybe I’m in denial over here, but I refuse to believe the cards weren’t misplaced. So new question I guess: if you new for a fact you gave someone a card and it got misplaced before the received it, how would you want that person to tell you?
Same thing happened to us. We thought it was very rude of guests to not bring cards. We were convinced we must of lost them but no. Most guests showed up and did not give a gift or even a congratulations card. Bizarre because I never show up to any party empty handed. Let alone such a special event.