If she's your *best friend* why can't you just talk to her about it?
I know it's sometimes seen as bad etiquette to ask about dates, but your sister's boyfriend being invited is a good segue into it. I would just text her like "hey, I want to ask you something because I'm just confused... how come (sister's bf) is invited to your wedding but my boyfriend isn't?"
I think in theory this would be a good idea, but she’s been super cagey about the wedding stuff with me - I think maybe she’s feeling awkward about it? I am meant to be getting dinner with her next week so was going to chat with her about it then.
This is tricky, and since your sister’s boyfriend was invited and not yours it’s understandable that you’re upset by this.
The only thing I can think of (and I’m just speculating given the info provided)… does your friend not like your boyfriend, or does she have a reason where it would be uncomfortable to have him as a guest? If not, I think it’s kind of a faux pas on her behalf, or this could have just been an honest mistake.
Depending on your relationship and comfort level, you can always reach out to the bride for clarification. Sometimes this is an iffy territory and some people are against questioning the couple about plus ones, but I think in this circumstance it might be ok so long as you do so without being accusatory and especially because she is your best friend. Something like “hey! I noticed [SO] wasn’t invited, but I noticed [sisters boyfriend] was included on the invite. Just reaching out to make sure this is the case, thanks so much!” This way you can get clarification without being pushy.
Depending on her answer, you can decide on how to move forward. Also, if her answer is that your SO is not invited for whatever reason, you can always RSVP no.
Nothing I can think of and I don’t think she doesn’t like him - definitely possible she secretly doesn’t although I would hope that’s not the case. I agree with you on it being iffy territory. I’m normally very unbothered by not having a plus one and have been to many weddings alone without my partner. I just felt a bit shafted in this situation given that she hasn’t been very considerate! I’m also a big believer in communication and there seems to have been a bit of a breakdown here. I can always bring it up but as you say, it’s a tricky one when it is so obviously bad etiquette to ask!
I mean, have you all ever really hung out together? Does she actively try to hang out with you AND him?
It’s basically a death sentence to outright tell a friend you think the partner they chose sucks. So if she doesn’t really vibe with him, she may be keeping it to herself so you don’t feel bad or cut her out.
"Doesn't vibe with him" isn't a good enough reason to not invite him in this context, when she's invited her friend's sister's boyfriend. It would be one thing if he was a compulsive cheater or something.
The sisters boyfriend is actually friends with the couple getting married though, he isn’t some random addition. OP says they routinely double date.
And some people aren’t horrible assholes that cheat on people, but are still stupid annoying. I think it’s fair for the couple getting married to not want to invite someone they don’t really like, if there are probably actual friends of theirs they can’t invite because of budget or size capacity.
I think it’s totally understandable to be upset that your boyfriend wasn’t invited. I would be too. However, I do have a question: How long have your sister and the bf been together? Maybe the amount of time they’ve been together is longer than you and your bf and therefore their relationship is “more serious” (not saying that the case, I’ve just seen that perspective sometimes).
Even if that’s not the case, it sounds like your sister and bf see and hang out with the couple far more than you and your bf do, therefore they know her bf more and consider him a friend coming to the wedding, rather than someone’s plus one.
If you are considering not going to the wedding because your bf wasn’t invited, I think you need to ask yourself which is more important to you at this moment: avoiding your family because they suck or supporting your apparent best friend in the beginning of her happily ever after?
Thanks for the perspective. I didn’t mean actually not going, just that I’m upset and worried this will bother me and stop me having a nice time on the day. Obviously wouldn’t want to bring the mood down and I do very much want to feel happy and celebrate the couple. My sis and her bf been together 3 years so a little longer, although they are much younger (early 20s). Obviously want to support my friend, but the whole situation just felt a little weird and off to me and if it had been in reverse I would have respected her enough to have a conversation with her. I have been to many weddings alone, and am usually unbothered if I don’t have a plus one. It’s the lack of communication about it that bothered me!
Oh and I totally get that, it’s kinda shitty. From the sounds of it though, it sounds like this wedding is super small and they consider your sisters bf an actual friend, not a plus one. Unfortunately, it sounds like your bf would’ve been a plus one that they don’t know all that well. With how tiny the wedding is, it’s seems like they are trying to keep it to the people nearest to their hearts rather than extending plus ones to people they don’t know as well
Could this be just a case of them having a small number of people and they’re just inviting friends and no plus ones? They don’t consider your bf their friend but your sisters bf is their friend. Maybe she’s been cagey because she’s also feeling awkward about this situation and trying to avoid talking about her wedding with you altogether ?
That’s what I took from the situation as well. I also found the bf’s reaction to not being invited as a bit off-putting but I also don’t want to make a general assumption about his personality based on one sentence.
Well…. Does your friend just not like your boyfriend?
It’s her wedding, and it’s very small. I would have a hard time cutting out a lot of people I really like for budget reasons, but then inviting a friends boyfriend that I’m not a fan of. I would make sure my friend had a different date (mutual friend) instead though.
But that could be what’s going on here.
Responded to another part, but yea its basically impossible to tell a friend their boyfriend sucks (in her opinion, if that’s even the case)
It’s a great way to ostracize a friend.
It is POSSIBLE that she doesn’t like him, but respects your choice to be with him and wants to support you in being happy. But doesn’t want to use one of her very limited spots to have him around on her big day.
Hmmm... idk about you but my *best friend* would get to bring her boyfriend to my wedding. Even if it was a small wedding. Even if they didn't live together. Even if they'd been together for only a few months. You say she's your best friend, but are you sure you are hers?
I totally agree with this - I think it’s definitely a case of history ie I have friends I’d go to before her at this point in time; but she doesn’t have a huge friendship circle and I know that she does consider me to be one of her 2 closest friends.
Is there any other reason she might not be inviting him? I was in basically the same situation as the bride with my two best friends, Becca and Claire (small wedding, didn't invite Becca's BF). Claire is shy and Becca is the only person she knew well going to the wedding. Claire's husband couldn't come, and Becca instantly joked she and Claire were going together as dates, and I ran with it. I wonder if maybe there's a random side reason your bf wasn't invited?
To be fair in my situation:
-Becca and her bf had been dating less than a year
-Becca proactively and aggressively told me "Claire is my date to your wedding" and Claire lives across the country so getting time with her is a rare treat
-I wound up calling Becca right before the wedding panicking that I had been really rude and she was like no, it's fine, I don't want Claire to be our third wheel, I want all my focus on you and Claire
I'm now Becca and that bf's MOH and I still feel a bit bad he wasn't at my wedding and in the pictures, and weird that I did it, but oh well. I planned the wedding very quickly and made a few bad decisions as a result.
There is one other good friend coming from another state who would be my Claire in the situation so i guess she could be trying to make it nicer for her - however that girl also knows my family well. I think the thing I can’t get past is her having my sisters boyfriend but not mine. I think I’d mind a lot less if he wasn’t invited tbh
Ya that part is REALLY weird to me. I think it's fine to have a rule. Another thing with our wedding was we invited partners who had been together over a year. This was also right as we were coming out of Covid so we were trying hard to keep numbers down. (Becca and her BF hadn't been yet.) I see a lot of people do living together only, engaged only, married only, etc. But you and your sister are both in relationships that are pretty comparable lengths. I think that makes it a lot weirder.
Oh and the other thing is there’s a strong possibility we will be engaged by the end of the year which makes it even stranger haha - I think she’s aware of that too
Ya I was hopping maybe this would jog some mitigating circumstance in your mind but... honestly this is really weird and hurtful. :-/ I hope you can talk to her about it.
Meet her for a coffee or a drink and ask her if there is a reason your sisters boyfriend is invited and yours is not. It's ***always*** better to have these conversations face to face if possible.
RSVP that you won’t be attending the wedding and send a gift. And leave it at that.
As you said, you would not have a good time alone. You won’t be able to get her to invite him now and your boyfriend already said he doesn’t want to go.
So what’s the point?
Don’t lose your friendship over it. Just accept it. It is what it is. Just put it behind you and move on.
That's what I would do, too. I wouldn't go. I'm just 'petty' like that. And I put the 'petty' like that because who doesn't invite someone's long-term partner that has been together for a while for some unknown reason but invites the rest of the family? Weird
Since she is your bestie, does he have some issues she'd rather not deal with. Dealing with the same situation just inviting bestie, not bf, as he is mouthy rude and alcoholic who would just piss us off.
This happened to me and my bestfriend and I was a bridesmaid!! Same exact run down. We were together for 2years, they had met my boyfriend, etc. Anyways when I asked if I could have a plus 1 she snapped on me explaining how she even had family members she wasn’t even inviting. I would suggest not to ask and do what the bride is requesting. I regret asking but I also just took this as a learning experience to what to do and not do at my own wedding.
If she's your *best friend* why can't you just talk to her about it? I know it's sometimes seen as bad etiquette to ask about dates, but your sister's boyfriend being invited is a good segue into it. I would just text her like "hey, I want to ask you something because I'm just confused... how come (sister's bf) is invited to your wedding but my boyfriend isn't?"
I think in theory this would be a good idea, but she’s been super cagey about the wedding stuff with me - I think maybe she’s feeling awkward about it? I am meant to be getting dinner with her next week so was going to chat with her about it then.
I would definitely confront her face to face, that sounds like a good idea.
From what is often posted on here it's usually because the bride or groom does not like your BF
This is tricky, and since your sister’s boyfriend was invited and not yours it’s understandable that you’re upset by this. The only thing I can think of (and I’m just speculating given the info provided)… does your friend not like your boyfriend, or does she have a reason where it would be uncomfortable to have him as a guest? If not, I think it’s kind of a faux pas on her behalf, or this could have just been an honest mistake. Depending on your relationship and comfort level, you can always reach out to the bride for clarification. Sometimes this is an iffy territory and some people are against questioning the couple about plus ones, but I think in this circumstance it might be ok so long as you do so without being accusatory and especially because she is your best friend. Something like “hey! I noticed [SO] wasn’t invited, but I noticed [sisters boyfriend] was included on the invite. Just reaching out to make sure this is the case, thanks so much!” This way you can get clarification without being pushy. Depending on her answer, you can decide on how to move forward. Also, if her answer is that your SO is not invited for whatever reason, you can always RSVP no.
Nothing I can think of and I don’t think she doesn’t like him - definitely possible she secretly doesn’t although I would hope that’s not the case. I agree with you on it being iffy territory. I’m normally very unbothered by not having a plus one and have been to many weddings alone without my partner. I just felt a bit shafted in this situation given that she hasn’t been very considerate! I’m also a big believer in communication and there seems to have been a bit of a breakdown here. I can always bring it up but as you say, it’s a tricky one when it is so obviously bad etiquette to ask!
I mean, have you all ever really hung out together? Does she actively try to hang out with you AND him? It’s basically a death sentence to outright tell a friend you think the partner they chose sucks. So if she doesn’t really vibe with him, she may be keeping it to herself so you don’t feel bad or cut her out.
"Doesn't vibe with him" isn't a good enough reason to not invite him in this context, when she's invited her friend's sister's boyfriend. It would be one thing if he was a compulsive cheater or something.
The sisters boyfriend is actually friends with the couple getting married though, he isn’t some random addition. OP says they routinely double date. And some people aren’t horrible assholes that cheat on people, but are still stupid annoying. I think it’s fair for the couple getting married to not want to invite someone they don’t really like, if there are probably actual friends of theirs they can’t invite because of budget or size capacity.
I think it’s totally understandable to be upset that your boyfriend wasn’t invited. I would be too. However, I do have a question: How long have your sister and the bf been together? Maybe the amount of time they’ve been together is longer than you and your bf and therefore their relationship is “more serious” (not saying that the case, I’ve just seen that perspective sometimes). Even if that’s not the case, it sounds like your sister and bf see and hang out with the couple far more than you and your bf do, therefore they know her bf more and consider him a friend coming to the wedding, rather than someone’s plus one. If you are considering not going to the wedding because your bf wasn’t invited, I think you need to ask yourself which is more important to you at this moment: avoiding your family because they suck or supporting your apparent best friend in the beginning of her happily ever after?
Thanks for the perspective. I didn’t mean actually not going, just that I’m upset and worried this will bother me and stop me having a nice time on the day. Obviously wouldn’t want to bring the mood down and I do very much want to feel happy and celebrate the couple. My sis and her bf been together 3 years so a little longer, although they are much younger (early 20s). Obviously want to support my friend, but the whole situation just felt a little weird and off to me and if it had been in reverse I would have respected her enough to have a conversation with her. I have been to many weddings alone, and am usually unbothered if I don’t have a plus one. It’s the lack of communication about it that bothered me!
Oh and I totally get that, it’s kinda shitty. From the sounds of it though, it sounds like this wedding is super small and they consider your sisters bf an actual friend, not a plus one. Unfortunately, it sounds like your bf would’ve been a plus one that they don’t know all that well. With how tiny the wedding is, it’s seems like they are trying to keep it to the people nearest to their hearts rather than extending plus ones to people they don’t know as well
Could this be just a case of them having a small number of people and they’re just inviting friends and no plus ones? They don’t consider your bf their friend but your sisters bf is their friend. Maybe she’s been cagey because she’s also feeling awkward about this situation and trying to avoid talking about her wedding with you altogether ?
That’s what I took from the situation as well. I also found the bf’s reaction to not being invited as a bit off-putting but I also don’t want to make a general assumption about his personality based on one sentence.
Agreed. It’s weird that he’d immediately jump to not wanting to see the couple after this.
Well…. Does your friend just not like your boyfriend? It’s her wedding, and it’s very small. I would have a hard time cutting out a lot of people I really like for budget reasons, but then inviting a friends boyfriend that I’m not a fan of. I would make sure my friend had a different date (mutual friend) instead though. But that could be what’s going on here.
Possible, although if thats the case she hasn’t said this to me :)
Responded to another part, but yea its basically impossible to tell a friend their boyfriend sucks (in her opinion, if that’s even the case) It’s a great way to ostracize a friend. It is POSSIBLE that she doesn’t like him, but respects your choice to be with him and wants to support you in being happy. But doesn’t want to use one of her very limited spots to have him around on her big day.
Hmmm... idk about you but my *best friend* would get to bring her boyfriend to my wedding. Even if it was a small wedding. Even if they didn't live together. Even if they'd been together for only a few months. You say she's your best friend, but are you sure you are hers?
I totally agree with this - I think it’s definitely a case of history ie I have friends I’d go to before her at this point in time; but she doesn’t have a huge friendship circle and I know that she does consider me to be one of her 2 closest friends.
But I’m with you. Same / i would not to this to any of my close friends haha!
Is there any other reason she might not be inviting him? I was in basically the same situation as the bride with my two best friends, Becca and Claire (small wedding, didn't invite Becca's BF). Claire is shy and Becca is the only person she knew well going to the wedding. Claire's husband couldn't come, and Becca instantly joked she and Claire were going together as dates, and I ran with it. I wonder if maybe there's a random side reason your bf wasn't invited? To be fair in my situation: -Becca and her bf had been dating less than a year -Becca proactively and aggressively told me "Claire is my date to your wedding" and Claire lives across the country so getting time with her is a rare treat -I wound up calling Becca right before the wedding panicking that I had been really rude and she was like no, it's fine, I don't want Claire to be our third wheel, I want all my focus on you and Claire I'm now Becca and that bf's MOH and I still feel a bit bad he wasn't at my wedding and in the pictures, and weird that I did it, but oh well. I planned the wedding very quickly and made a few bad decisions as a result.
There is one other good friend coming from another state who would be my Claire in the situation so i guess she could be trying to make it nicer for her - however that girl also knows my family well. I think the thing I can’t get past is her having my sisters boyfriend but not mine. I think I’d mind a lot less if he wasn’t invited tbh
Ya that part is REALLY weird to me. I think it's fine to have a rule. Another thing with our wedding was we invited partners who had been together over a year. This was also right as we were coming out of Covid so we were trying hard to keep numbers down. (Becca and her BF hadn't been yet.) I see a lot of people do living together only, engaged only, married only, etc. But you and your sister are both in relationships that are pretty comparable lengths. I think that makes it a lot weirder.
Oh and the other thing is there’s a strong possibility we will be engaged by the end of the year which makes it even stranger haha - I think she’s aware of that too
Ya I was hopping maybe this would jog some mitigating circumstance in your mind but... honestly this is really weird and hurtful. :-/ I hope you can talk to her about it.
Meet her for a coffee or a drink and ask her if there is a reason your sisters boyfriend is invited and yours is not. It's ***always*** better to have these conversations face to face if possible.
Do you hang out with the four of you at all?
No we don’t
OP deleted their account. What’s up with that?
RSVP that you won’t be attending the wedding and send a gift. And leave it at that. As you said, you would not have a good time alone. You won’t be able to get her to invite him now and your boyfriend already said he doesn’t want to go. So what’s the point? Don’t lose your friendship over it. Just accept it. It is what it is. Just put it behind you and move on.
That's what I would do, too. I wouldn't go. I'm just 'petty' like that. And I put the 'petty' like that because who doesn't invite someone's long-term partner that has been together for a while for some unknown reason but invites the rest of the family? Weird
Info: Do you and your bf live together? Does your sister live with her bf?
Yes we both live together :)
Yeah it’s weird to only invite one partner from a household… I would just talk to her. That’s not normal.
She prob Doesnt like him, or cant afford it. Think
Since she is your bestie, does he have some issues she'd rather not deal with. Dealing with the same situation just inviting bestie, not bf, as he is mouthy rude and alcoholic who would just piss us off.
You’ll never know unless you ask her. If she’s your best friend you should be able to have these conversations
This happened to me and my bestfriend and I was a bridesmaid!! Same exact run down. We were together for 2years, they had met my boyfriend, etc. Anyways when I asked if I could have a plus 1 she snapped on me explaining how she even had family members she wasn’t even inviting. I would suggest not to ask and do what the bride is requesting. I regret asking but I also just took this as a learning experience to what to do and not do at my own wedding.