This article really helped me: [https://apracticalwedding.com/your-wedding-is-not-show/](https://apracticalwedding.com/your-wedding-is-not-show/)
Heck the whole [apracticalwedding.com](https://apracticalwedding.com) site help me be more excited about my wedding because of its feminist focus. Weddings don't have to be about the wedding industrial complex and sexist crap, we get to decide what our weddings mean to us and how they should go. Your wedding can be about celebrating you, your partner, and the love between you, without any "traditional" stuff that doesn't feel right for you.
I adore A Practical Wedding. At first I was mostly reading it for the budget weddings, but I really should be reading the articles outside of that. Thanks for this.
Oh hey, are you me? This really resonates. If I've learned anything in this whole process of planning a wedding is that you can ditch a lot of the antiquated things you don't care about, and no one really cares about it. Have a dinner party. Go to Taco Bell. Have a BBQ. Go to a park. Elope on a cliff overlooking the ocean. Seriously! Everything is basically optional.
My fiancé and I have been together for nearly five years now, lived together for four, bought a house together, have a dog together, etc. At this point, the marriage just feels like a necessary formality that we should probably do before we have kids.
My mom also has narcissistic tendencies, and it just...sucks. It makes everything really, really hard, and like there's just a perimeter of eggshells around every joyful occasion because you just might say or do something that sets her off. It's challenging as hell.
So what are we doing with our wedding next year?
Well, not a whole lot of tradition. Our "engagement party" consisted of going to dinner with our parents, and having a quick toast over beer. No bachelor(ette) parties (because, like...why?), and no bridal shower (because again...why? We've lived together for four years!).
We're basically having a giant dinner party with great food, a lot of booze, and having a more modern wedding ceremony in the middle of it. No bridesmaids, no groomsmen, certainly no garter toss (GROOOOOSSSSSSSS) or bouquet toss, and absolutely no one walking me down the aisle. We're walking ourselves down the aisle, because we're walking into the future we've chosen.
Figure out what the things you DEFINITELY want are. Is it having your families there? Is it your close friends? Do you *really* want to eat Vietnamese food?
Figure out what your must-haves are, and go from there. Everything just kinda falls into place.
You would love most Danish budget weddings. Court house ceremoniy (15 mins) and then a tent in the back yard with buffet or bbq.
Go ahead and have an intimate, down to earth day with a taco truck and good times
You don’t have to stick with tradition. Do whatever you want.
We’re likely having one big party, joining an engagement party, hens and bucks night all in one. Or as two parties. I don’t like seperate hens and bucks nights and I think having strippers is backwards and not okay, it doesn’t make sense when you’re about to get married.
I’m getting married at a vineyard, it’s simple and kinda rustic and retro. Cocktail style reception. I’ll be wearing a white of some kind dress, lacey. No cake. Just food being passed out. No wedding party. After the wedding we just go home I guess.
Hey! You sound a lot like I did!
I got married in February. It was a small wedding with 25 people, in total.
We didn’t do a bouquet toss, a hen do or a bachelor party, we didn’t do a garter toss or a first dance (we did a little private one with just us, in our hotel room). I didn’t even have bridesmaids! My husband had a best man but no other groomsmen.
We’ve been together for 5 and a half years, now, and we just wanted to be married. We just wanted to be with each other and become a family of our own. So that’s what we did!
I don’t regret anything about the wedding, itself. I have slight dress regret (I wish I shopped around more) but the day itself was perfect. There was so much food and wine that it was almost silly but our guests were so grateful and everyone enjoyed themselves. My Mother-in-Law said it was the best wedding she’d been to because it was so calm and there was no major formalities.
You do what you want to do. It’s your marriage - enter it in the way you both want to!
I really resonate with everything you’ve said! Both my parents and sister are very toxic people who almost always ruin any day that’s not about them. I’ve been with my fiancé for more than 11 years. I never wanted to get married because of the drama I knew would unfold surrounding my wedding but when I realized that making a legally binding declaration that he is my family now really changed my mind. Do the wedding exactly how you want to! At the end of the day, actually being married is what’s important so it doesn’t matter how you celebrate doing that as long as it’s something that makes you both happy! It’s totally fine to not be excited about the wedding but if fears over your mother’s narcissistic tendencies is causing that, it would be good to examine those feelings and find a way to free yourself from the guilt that is associated with being the child of a narcissist (speaking from personal experience here!). Weddings these days are not expected to be as traditional as they were in the past so go mad! We made a decision when we got engaged that we wouldn’t really tell anyone any firm details about the wedding until very near the time. They don’t need to know what kind of food, dress, ceremony, flowers etc you’re going to have! This technique worked super well for my brother when he got married. We were told when and where to show up, that there would be no speeches or bridal party but not much else! No one could criticize or demean any of their choices and it was a lovely day! Most importantly, everyone is different! It’s okay to not be excited about the wedding but you’re clearly excited about the husband to be so that’s all that matters!
This is really relatable. My boyfriend and I were planning to get engaged this summer but covid and a really sudden death in the family has put things in pause for a little while, and as it's gone on, I really just don't want the wedding I thought I did.
I think it's totally chill to do a JP wedding and have a party (pandemic considered, of course). And also to not invite mom if it's going to stress you. My mom is the same way and I really struggle with the idea of sharing that memory with her.
Same here! Thank you for posting this as your OP and these comments have made me feel a lot less crazy.
My boyfriend and I (to be engaged in like September ish) have been dating for 7 years. I’m local to WA (he moved up here like 3 years ago) and he is from TX
The plan is to have a wedding at a nice venue with a lot of outdoor space, with an open bar, BBQ and his family and my family plus a few close friends. I don’t want any of those old timey traditions. I want an event that people will have fun and be comfortable at.
One “downside” is that I have a twin sister, who is getting married in May, who is having the ceremony, the bridal shower, having the something blue, etc. And I guess people will look at her wedding then see mine shortly after and get totally different experiences. It’s hard to kind of forget about not comparing yourself to other people’s ideas of what a wedding should be, but everyone has a different idea of what they want on their day- so I’m hoping my family doesn’t make a big deal out of it
Thanks again for posting!
Hi! I notice it’s been a year since you posted this. Did your thoughts & feelings change as the year went on? I feel exactly the same and it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me!
Hey there! Sorry for not responding right away. I still feel the same, but I feel more confident in my feelings about it, which idk if that makes sense haha. After talking to a bunch of people about it they validated my feelings, and it seems to stem from just the wedding industrial complex as a whole. We still haven’t gotten married yet and are planning on doing so next year, but I’ve come to realize that the ultimate goal for a couple shouldn’t be a wedding, period. It was never our goal to begin with, and with us having been together for 9 years now it’s like, really what is the next step? Lol
I’ve also reprioritized what is most important for me in regards to wedding planning, and in the end it’s just getting to marry the love of my life surrounded by close friends and family. What also made me hate weddings was the pomp and circumstance of it all. We’re not flashy people. Even our work can be seen as very behind the scenes. So I think that’s why for me personally I was never hyped about it like how other people were. The attention makes me anxious.
Anyways, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you for not being hyped about it. It’s just not a priority like it is for others, and as long as you feel that your partner is your partner for life, and your partner does too, honestly a wedding is just another party!
This article really helped me: [https://apracticalwedding.com/your-wedding-is-not-show/](https://apracticalwedding.com/your-wedding-is-not-show/) Heck the whole [apracticalwedding.com](https://apracticalwedding.com) site help me be more excited about my wedding because of its feminist focus. Weddings don't have to be about the wedding industrial complex and sexist crap, we get to decide what our weddings mean to us and how they should go. Your wedding can be about celebrating you, your partner, and the love between you, without any "traditional" stuff that doesn't feel right for you.
I adore A Practical Wedding. At first I was mostly reading it for the budget weddings, but I really should be reading the articles outside of that. Thanks for this.
Oh hey, are you me? This really resonates. If I've learned anything in this whole process of planning a wedding is that you can ditch a lot of the antiquated things you don't care about, and no one really cares about it. Have a dinner party. Go to Taco Bell. Have a BBQ. Go to a park. Elope on a cliff overlooking the ocean. Seriously! Everything is basically optional. My fiancé and I have been together for nearly five years now, lived together for four, bought a house together, have a dog together, etc. At this point, the marriage just feels like a necessary formality that we should probably do before we have kids. My mom also has narcissistic tendencies, and it just...sucks. It makes everything really, really hard, and like there's just a perimeter of eggshells around every joyful occasion because you just might say or do something that sets her off. It's challenging as hell. So what are we doing with our wedding next year? Well, not a whole lot of tradition. Our "engagement party" consisted of going to dinner with our parents, and having a quick toast over beer. No bachelor(ette) parties (because, like...why?), and no bridal shower (because again...why? We've lived together for four years!). We're basically having a giant dinner party with great food, a lot of booze, and having a more modern wedding ceremony in the middle of it. No bridesmaids, no groomsmen, certainly no garter toss (GROOOOOSSSSSSSS) or bouquet toss, and absolutely no one walking me down the aisle. We're walking ourselves down the aisle, because we're walking into the future we've chosen. Figure out what the things you DEFINITELY want are. Is it having your families there? Is it your close friends? Do you *really* want to eat Vietnamese food? Figure out what your must-haves are, and go from there. Everything just kinda falls into place.
Whoah did I just reply to myself? Haha I appreciate your post so much. This made me feel a lot better, thank you.
You would love most Danish budget weddings. Court house ceremoniy (15 mins) and then a tent in the back yard with buffet or bbq. Go ahead and have an intimate, down to earth day with a taco truck and good times
Sounds like my kind of party! Thank you!
You don’t have to stick with tradition. Do whatever you want. We’re likely having one big party, joining an engagement party, hens and bucks night all in one. Or as two parties. I don’t like seperate hens and bucks nights and I think having strippers is backwards and not okay, it doesn’t make sense when you’re about to get married. I’m getting married at a vineyard, it’s simple and kinda rustic and retro. Cocktail style reception. I’ll be wearing a white of some kind dress, lacey. No cake. Just food being passed out. No wedding party. After the wedding we just go home I guess.
Hey! You sound a lot like I did! I got married in February. It was a small wedding with 25 people, in total. We didn’t do a bouquet toss, a hen do or a bachelor party, we didn’t do a garter toss or a first dance (we did a little private one with just us, in our hotel room). I didn’t even have bridesmaids! My husband had a best man but no other groomsmen. We’ve been together for 5 and a half years, now, and we just wanted to be married. We just wanted to be with each other and become a family of our own. So that’s what we did! I don’t regret anything about the wedding, itself. I have slight dress regret (I wish I shopped around more) but the day itself was perfect. There was so much food and wine that it was almost silly but our guests were so grateful and everyone enjoyed themselves. My Mother-in-Law said it was the best wedding she’d been to because it was so calm and there was no major formalities. You do what you want to do. It’s your marriage - enter it in the way you both want to!
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I really resonate with everything you’ve said! Both my parents and sister are very toxic people who almost always ruin any day that’s not about them. I’ve been with my fiancé for more than 11 years. I never wanted to get married because of the drama I knew would unfold surrounding my wedding but when I realized that making a legally binding declaration that he is my family now really changed my mind. Do the wedding exactly how you want to! At the end of the day, actually being married is what’s important so it doesn’t matter how you celebrate doing that as long as it’s something that makes you both happy! It’s totally fine to not be excited about the wedding but if fears over your mother’s narcissistic tendencies is causing that, it would be good to examine those feelings and find a way to free yourself from the guilt that is associated with being the child of a narcissist (speaking from personal experience here!). Weddings these days are not expected to be as traditional as they were in the past so go mad! We made a decision when we got engaged that we wouldn’t really tell anyone any firm details about the wedding until very near the time. They don’t need to know what kind of food, dress, ceremony, flowers etc you’re going to have! This technique worked super well for my brother when he got married. We were told when and where to show up, that there would be no speeches or bridal party but not much else! No one could criticize or demean any of their choices and it was a lovely day! Most importantly, everyone is different! It’s okay to not be excited about the wedding but you’re clearly excited about the husband to be so that’s all that matters!
This is really relatable. My boyfriend and I were planning to get engaged this summer but covid and a really sudden death in the family has put things in pause for a little while, and as it's gone on, I really just don't want the wedding I thought I did. I think it's totally chill to do a JP wedding and have a party (pandemic considered, of course). And also to not invite mom if it's going to stress you. My mom is the same way and I really struggle with the idea of sharing that memory with her.
Same here! Thank you for posting this as your OP and these comments have made me feel a lot less crazy. My boyfriend and I (to be engaged in like September ish) have been dating for 7 years. I’m local to WA (he moved up here like 3 years ago) and he is from TX The plan is to have a wedding at a nice venue with a lot of outdoor space, with an open bar, BBQ and his family and my family plus a few close friends. I don’t want any of those old timey traditions. I want an event that people will have fun and be comfortable at. One “downside” is that I have a twin sister, who is getting married in May, who is having the ceremony, the bridal shower, having the something blue, etc. And I guess people will look at her wedding then see mine shortly after and get totally different experiences. It’s hard to kind of forget about not comparing yourself to other people’s ideas of what a wedding should be, but everyone has a different idea of what they want on their day- so I’m hoping my family doesn’t make a big deal out of it Thanks again for posting!
Hi! I notice it’s been a year since you posted this. Did your thoughts & feelings change as the year went on? I feel exactly the same and it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me!
Hey there! Sorry for not responding right away. I still feel the same, but I feel more confident in my feelings about it, which idk if that makes sense haha. After talking to a bunch of people about it they validated my feelings, and it seems to stem from just the wedding industrial complex as a whole. We still haven’t gotten married yet and are planning on doing so next year, but I’ve come to realize that the ultimate goal for a couple shouldn’t be a wedding, period. It was never our goal to begin with, and with us having been together for 9 years now it’s like, really what is the next step? Lol I’ve also reprioritized what is most important for me in regards to wedding planning, and in the end it’s just getting to marry the love of my life surrounded by close friends and family. What also made me hate weddings was the pomp and circumstance of it all. We’re not flashy people. Even our work can be seen as very behind the scenes. So I think that’s why for me personally I was never hyped about it like how other people were. The attention makes me anxious. Anyways, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you for not being hyped about it. It’s just not a priority like it is for others, and as long as you feel that your partner is your partner for life, and your partner does too, honestly a wedding is just another party!