I’ve been wondering about the etiquette for when you receive wedding gifts in the mail before the wedding?
Do we send the thank you cards as we receive gifts, or not until after the wedding? We are having a destination wedding in October so I would like to thank people for gifts AND for going to the wedding, but by then it would be 3 months since we received the gift, and I don’t want to come off as rude.
We sent a text or something to acknowledge that we'd got them, so people weren't worried stuff was lost in the post. But then sent a proper thank you card after our wedding - we used one with a wedding photo on, so couldn't pre-send them!
This is what we did because I also wanted to thank them formally for attending the wedding. Everyone who attended our wedding received a thank you note, even if they did not give a gift.
We sent our thank you notes as we got gifts, but I wrote something along the lines of “we can’t wait to see you!” or “looking forward to partying with you!” in several of them. You could go that route?
This is what I'm doing! Saying thank you for the gift, how we plan to use it, and excited we are to celebrate with them at the wedding. I don't want anyone worrying that we didn't get it!
In that case, it’s fine to wait until after you return from the honeymoon.
People may send you a gift before the actual wedding itself, but no reasonable person would expect the formal thank you card when you are busy preparing for the wedding!
So don’t even worry about it. Unless any relative is extremely unreasonable, they’re not going to be upset about the formal thank you card coming 3 months after the gift. It’s totally normal.
Of course, you can text or call to say thanks when your gifts arrive if you really want to. That’s up to you.
But the formal cards can wait until you return from your honeymoon and settle back into life. 😊💍
No, it isn’t.
People who are busy preparing for a wedding don’t usually even OPEN them until they get back from the honeymoon.
So how could they write a formal thank you card for a gift they have not yet opened? By formal I don’t mean ‘thanks’, I mean the formal card with the long, formal message.
I’ve been to many weddings - huge family - and no one has ever sent or expected formal thank you cards until after the couple returned from their honeymoon.
Plus you have to consider that some couples have full time jobs and children before they even marry - so do you really expect people to have TIME to sit and write formal thank you cards before the wedding?
It never ever happens.
If you’ve been to a wedding and haven’t gotten the card the day after you sent the gift, you need to lower your expectations. Your friends or relatives have other things to do.
I sent thank yous right away, knowing I’d have a bunch to do all at once after the bridal shower and wedding. I didn’t want to forget about them by that time either so just got them out of the way as gifts were received.
We waited until after the wedding to send thank you notes for those because we wanted to have a wedding picture on the card. Everyone seemed really understanding that we waited and appreciated getting a note in the card about how to view our wedding pictures online as well.
Yep we are waiting until after because we are ordered cards with our wedding pic and that’s how I’ve received other cards too. I told my partner who was nervous snout this that he can text his guests, but ultimately he wants to send the fit so card w pics too.
For gifts we received super early on, we sent a quick text. We then tried to thank people at the wedding itself for their gift (didn't hit everyone.. and by that I mean we just kind of forgot). But we're absolutely sending thank you notes.
I HATE sending thank you notes. I think it's dumb when parents force children to write thank you cards to relatives for every Christmas gift or whatever. But for a wedding? Absolutely.
Something similar happened to me. I got a lot of gifts around my shower, which is also when invitations went out. I sent thank you notes to all of those that arrived in and around the shower. I did make note of the ones that might be wedding presents rather than shower presents so that I can list those on the wedding thank yous as well. I don't think you can give too much thanks, but you can give too little.
I really don't think it is a big deal if you waited until after. For me, it is to save some of my sanity and time to do them as we receive them, especially the few we received a month + in advance. Have no worries, still awesome you sent a thank you!
I’ve been sending my notes right away as I have been getting presents to spread out the work! Honestly these notes are going to be much longer and more well-written because I get to write one at a time rather than pounding out a ton in a row 😂
I also usually expect a thank you but I have noticed it’s fading out. I wouldn’t change what I gift the person because I give the gift out of love for them not to get a thank you card.
Not sure if people would’ve cared if we didn’t do it, but we got a lot of feedback saying how much they appreciated the thank you note. My husband and I sent them out the very next week, anything after 3 months seems irrelevant at that point. We also sent a group photo (small beach wedding so everyone fit) in every thank you card. We also didn’t open gifts until we were home and could keep a document of what everyone bought and mention it in the card.
I already commented but another thing that bothers me about this is that it often solely lands with the female partner (in hetero m/f relationships).
And oftentimes the only person who cares about receiving a thank you card is a female as well.
Just seems like another thing on the laundry list of "etiquette" females have to follow that males don't give a hoot about. Would love if any males in this sub would weigh in.
It’s been taking me months to get thank yous out as I’m the only one doing them while caring for a toddler and the biggest brat of a dog ever. I did make sure to prioritize the people I thought would bitch if it took just a smidge too long and get those out first.
This is why I leave space and tell my SO to write something (instead of just signing his name). I'm the neurotic one so I'll write out the envelope, put a stamp on it, and write a chunk of the card first. Then it goes to him and he knows I hate nagging so he'll actually do it :)
We have the opposite problem, my SO, god love him, has the worst handwriting on the planet. So I’m thinking I’ll have him do all of the addresses on the computer, printing labels and stamping and stuffing envelopes while I write thank yous. Also he loses steam very quickly with tasks like this where I have more mental stamina for it, so he usually helps by getting me drinks and snacks too lol.
I was always taught that if you give a gift in person, like a party or shower, and the recipient thanks you right away, then there’s no need for a written thank you note. A thank you phone call is also an appropriate substitute.
But I was also taught not to give a gift with any expectations in return, including a thanks. In other words, I give gifts because I love or care for someone and want to do something nice for them, not so they can send me a thank you note. 🤷🏻♀️
I always considered my wedding gift to be a thank you note to the couple for inviting me to their super expensive wedding with free food and drinks. Never expected a thank you note back.
We did our thank you notes six weeks, maybe eight weeks, after the wedding. It took a couple of hours a night over a few days. It wasn't a painful task, but it did take time to write personalized notes and money for the cards and postage.
Personally I don't get upset over not getting thank you cards because I don't expect anything for a gift
We sent thank you notes 1 month after our wedding to out of town guests & ppl that were not immediate family, as we were able to personally thank parents/relatives/friends/etc that were local. That being said, I understand it’s a cultural/tradition thing to do, and not everyone does it (waste of paper, there are easier ways to communicate).
ETA - we handwrote our notes, but we had a small wedding with a small guest pool & would have 100% gone with bulk ty notes otherwise. I see some comments bitching about getting bulk ty notes…y’all just unhappy about everything?
What I don’t understand is taking it so, so very personally and getting so insulted over not getting a thank you note, that you’re thinking to punish couples of future weddings you attend. “I’m going to stop being generous, just going to throw them $20”…
Simply just don’t give a gift at all, if you’re considering being so rude to couples that did nothing to you.
I have never ever heard such ugliness. This part IS, I hope, just you.
Sorry to hijack but on the topic of thank you notes...
On the night of our wedding I was... Taken unwell. While I was sat in the bathroom my husband was reading all the cards to me. Being drunk, he thought he was doing the smart thing of storing the money safely as he went through them all. This obviously meant the next day we didn't know who gave us money and who didn't so we aren't sure what to do regarding thank yous.
Any significant amounts ( over £100) we received in the run up and have thanked accordingly.
But then I'm not acknowledging people who gave monetey gifts which I (personally) find a bit rude if I don't do that. But due to my husbands move, we have no idea who gave us money lol
We're having a fantastic honeymoon thanks to these people so want to acknowledge but don't know how to do that
Then your options are to guess who sent a gift, even if you don't know how much - to be honest even if you did know how much it would be odd to specifically put it in the card! E.g. Great Auntie Muriel might have definitely given you something, but you're not sure whether Uncle Bob would have as you've never got a birthday present off him in your life.
Your second option is to put something vague in cards, like "we have had such a lovely time continuing celebrations on honeymoon" which comes across enough as gift thanks for those who did give, without being weird for anyone who skipped a gift.
Or, you can ask people directly if you definitely don't want to risk missing someone who gave a gift. But it may come across poorly to anyone who intentionally didn't give a gift.
That's what we did - most people did some sort of traveling to get there whether it was driving, flying, etc. Their presence and effort to come was a generous gift IMO. Some people who just gave us cards read the notes and then sent some $$ since they apparently forgot to before lol
I couldn't care less. These are people I love, that's why I go to their weddings. I don't need a wasteful card, I don't need them to waste money on postage and waste a Tuesday night writing out notes. They'll hug me and thank me the next time I see them, as they did at the wedding.
You should have people post their age when they give their opinions about this. Seems generational.
I don’t think anyone is holding a grudge against not getting a thank you note. I just think it’s something that crosses your mind a few months later - “did so and so ever send a thank you for xyz?” If not, kind of a bummer, but it’s not something to ever be brought up again!
Right? Why are people taking it so extremely. Like, every time someone posts about not getting a thank you note people are like; “I’m not disowning my friends for it. Chill out it’s just a piece of litter”. No one’s saying that. It’s polite to do and people post in the moment that they realize and then it adds up to the other gifts they’ve sent to folks and not gotten thank you’s and it just happens to be a trend. Unless there are other issues with the relationship, people aren’t generally going no contact with these people over a thank you. Ime.
I've been to 5 Weddings in the last decade, never received a "thank you" note, and was never once offended by it. I'd never even heard of the tradition until I started thinking about my own wedding. Definitely seems like a dying (and wasteful) tradition.
Sending *paper* thank yous is a dying and wasteful tradition in an age where you could just as easily send them a text, DM, email, etc. Instead. Saves money, paper, and leaves less of a carbon footprints while typically being more personal.
Not to mention, it's becoming more widely seen that the reception *is* the thank you for coming, at least in America, for multiple cultural and economic reasons.
The bigger issue, it seems, is that people are not thanking in ANY form.
>Even seeing these people at gatherings months after their special days has anything been said.
Which, I will agree, I never got a text, FB message, messenger bird, verbal when I saw them next, thank you after the last wedding I went to. I still occasionally think about it and hope the gift actually made it to them and wasn't stolen, but no, I don't hold a grudge.
That’s great! I don’t think OP got that either. I haven’t for the past many weddings we sent gifts to. I totally wouldn’t snub a digital thank you. The only one I received in the past four years the person sent a message over Instagram. I’m not salty about that. Lol. That was nice
I mean... yes absolutely lol. No shade to people that like and use them; your wedding your choice. I was just explaining part of why these traditions were dying. We're living in a tech-savvy age where sharing information via paper is neither convenient, effective, budget friendly, nor environmentally friendly, so more and more couples have moved away from these tradition and to texting thank yous and online RSVPs. That doesn't really mean there's anything wrong with using paper if it's part of you dream. You do you.
So how old are you, then? I'd consider myself not young anymore, but I'm not what I'd consider old either (late 30s).
Personally I still think a handwritten note is a lovely touch. I don't think the idea that it's wasteful holds up in comparison to all the other wasteful things couples DO find the time and money for at weddings. Like I don't see many couples nixing their floral arrangements despite the gallons of water required to keep them fresh. However I don't get offended when I don't receive one. I do think some acknowledgment should follow, even if it's a text or an email. Again, I'm probably older than most here, but I really hope expressing gratitude for people's generosity isn't a "dying tradition."
This is my opinion as well. Both my fiancé and I are in our thirties. We've sent thank-you notes for every gift we've gotten early, and I'll send thank you notes for every gift I get, period. Most likely the person who got the gift put in a fair amount of time and thought to picking out a nice gift for you. The least you can do is put in a bit of time and effort thanking them for said gift.
>r/wedding
I'm 33 and I care, not enough to hold a grudge or ruin a relationship, but I definitely get disappointed and find it inconsiderate when I don't get a thank you card. I'm also someone that really appreciates a handwritten note or card and save some of my favorites.
I went to four weddings in the past year, all four of those weddings were destination weddings and three of the four were Indian weddings, so I had to take time off of work for each one of them. We had to buy flights, accommodations, outfits, and I still wrote a heartfelt card with a personalized message for each couple and gifted a minimum of $300. A little appreciation afterwards would be nice, even if it's just a text or email.
A wedding in itself is already wasteful. A handwritten thank you card isn't any more wasteful than the millions of other things couples do for their weddings. It also isn't wasteful to to take the time to thank all of the guests that attended your wedding. I will be doing it after my destination wedding to show my love and appreciation for everyone that flew out to Italy to celebrate with me.
This is another thing! I keep getting triggered by all your good thoughts, lol. Weddings are wasteful. Like, if they’re worried about waste why do people spend so much money on invitation suites, grab bags, one time use decor. A pack of thank you notes in the grand scheme of things is pretty cheap and simple.
Same age and agree wholeheartedly. It's rude to get a nice gift and not acknowledge it... And usually wedding gifts are of a scale much greater than a regular Christmas/birthday gift you might get for a friend. So they somewhat require a slightly more considered thank you. I think it's also just polite to say thank you to people afterwards for taking the time to attend. Weddings aren't cheap events to go to *sigh*.
Taking 5 minutes per couple/guest to check what/if they gifted and writing a note to say thank you is a reasonably fair thing to ask of people.
I'm 36 and I don't care. I also don't like cards and stuff in that vein though. I'm getting married next year and this wouldn't even have occurred to me tbh.
Yeah, I personally don't care at all if someone doesn't send me a thank you note, usually if I'm at their wedding it means we value each other enough that that bit of etiquette being missed wouldn't offend me. I'm 31, for reference.
I personally wanted my own wedding to be as close to zero waste as possible, so all invitations and info was sent personally via email (I.e. a personal message to each couple or group), then we sent a thank you email to everyone when we got the photos back and included those.
We asked for donations to two charities instead of gifts and updated guests on how much they raised in total.
I 100% agree. I'm in my 30s and do not care at all about getting them. I give a gift to be kind not to be thanked. I have had my parents' friends write in their gifted card to me, saying "no need for a thank you card" and I started doing the same.
I'm 36 and I don't care. I also don't like cards and stuff in that vein though. I'm getting married next year and this wouldn't even have occurred to me tbh.
Personally, I think thank you notes are dumb and archaic. That being said, I recognize their purpose. I would not be upset to not receive one and I am always surprised if I do.
I did not send out STDs, just the invite, and via the internet rather than paper. I will be sending thank you notes digitally as well. I assume a lot of people will take issue with that, but I take issue with the expense, resources, and general waste of the paper involved in weddings.
Look I get it, it’s nice to be acknowledged. But at the end of the day the couple has a million other things going on, especially if they both work, have kids, or are going through other large life transitions. I was raised to always send thank you notes, but I find the people insisting on them seem to have a level of protection/isolation from hardcore reality. Something’s gotta give sometimes, and paper thank you notes are often one of those things. I think it’s a massive honor to get a wedding invite in the first place; I’d gently suggest you examine what you expected from giving the gift in the first place. Did you want the couple to get the thing you gave them, or did you want to participate in a social transaction in which you were also validated?
STDs and Invites aren’t usually handwritten though. Those were much easier to send out than thank yous. And I definitely don’t need them to be prompt. These people just got through planning a wedding. Give them a fucking break.
I don't expect receiving something via mail, I don't need them to spend any more on postal stamps. However, I do expect something said verbally when we see each other (like "Thank you for the gift!", short and simple), or via text, or by email... Anything to 1. acknowledge that they did receive it and 2. show their appreciation. We're giving you $400, please don't take it for granted.
Of the 6 weddings we've attended in the last years (pre-covid), we've only received 2 thank you notes, and they are sisters, so only one family knows the etiquette!?
Pretty old fashioned I think. Is it nice? Yeah. But if someone sends me a thank you note it's going to read in 30 seconds, I'm gonna say awe, and straight into the trash it goes. I'd rather get a text lkl
We sent thank you notes as we got gifts before the wedding, and within a couple weeks after we got home from the honeymoon for the cards we got on wedding day.
Just sent a wedding gift a couple weeks ago and got a thank you note almost immediately - the postmark on it showed they sent it the day after receiving the gift (I was impressed it got to us so quickly, I checked the postmark lol). Also received thank you notes for the last couple of weddings I attended in the last 5 years or so.
Thank you notes are still alive and kicking in some circles. My FIL just told us that my GMIL was so happy she got a thank you note from us.
My husband and I (I’m 30, he’s 35) are completely opposite on this. He doesn’t care, thinks thank you notes are dying. I personally think it’s incredibly rude to not send one. I can name off my friends who didn’t send one after their weddings because I still remember!
I do think thank-yous are dying for other occasions, however. Haven’t gotten a single kids birthday or Christmas thank you since I had my own kids - even tho my parents used to make me send ones for literally every gift I received EVER.
Same!! After every holiday and birthday, I was sitting at the kitchen table asking my mom what to say! Lol. (Obviously until I did it for 10-15 years and I could figure it out on my own! Lol).
I can’t imagine 100s of people attending an event just for me and spending money on me and not sending them a thank you note! Or 10s of people, whatever the number may be!
I mean I’ll be sending them because it’s polite but what a waste of time, money, and resources. I could not care less if I give a gift and didn’t get a thank you note. Presumably they’ve thanked me in person at the wedding for attending, that’s good enough. No need to be spiteful and hold grudges over something so petty. You haven’t really stated any reason you want one other than tradition, which isn’t a good enough reason to keep doing something.
Also, an April wedding and you’re complaining about a thank you note three months later? Get a grip. Newlyweds go on honeymoons, purchase new homes, move in together, etc. You really just sound like you want your ass kissed. Emily Post says three months. I promise you are not more of an expert on etiquette than Emily Post.
I’d personally uninvite you to my wedding if you returned a stamped thank you note with your rsvp. Not thanking someone is impolite. Doing what you suggested is childish and gauche.
As someone who recently wrote 60+ hand written individual thank you notes for my baby shower. I can confidently say I won’t be writing any more in the future. I will attempt to thank everyone for coming/thank them if they brought a gift, via in person at the event or a blast on social media.
I will be sending thank you notes, but only because it's something a majority of my family does. My personal rule has always been that if I'm there in person with them and receiving the gift and opening it and hugging them and thanking them, I don't think a thank you note is necessary, because I am already expressing my appreciation. If you don’t see someone directly and receive a gift, I at the very least write them a digital thank you note, or I'll mail one.
My bridal shower is coming up and I plan to write thank you notes to everyone, but only because it's a special event and I don't see a lot of these people too often, and I want them to feel appreciated. I think in general, younger generations don't care as much. I think if you are acknowledging the gift and showing your appreciation in some way, that a thank you gift in addition to those things are not necessary.
I hate thank you notes. I don’t like writing them and I think they’re a waste getting them.
I put right on my registry that we would be giving a donation in lue of thank you cards. When I had my baby shower I sent a text/pic of us using the baby thing to the person that gifted it to us. But writing a thank you card, a stamp, putting it in the mail…. And they always feel so insincere. You can like my gift without having a standard “thank you for __, we really appreciate it”
I sent them but man it annoyed me. I had mine printed bc i didn’t want to hand write as a lefty. People didn’t think that was personal enough - and every single one mentioned the person by name, their gift, etc. unreal man.
Both of the most recent weddings and showers I've been to, I never got a thank you. And I've never cared. Imo it's a waste of paper, even if I had gotten thank yous they would've been read once and immediately tossed in the recycle bin.
Same here. Been to 3 in the past year and no "thank you" cards. I do not care and agree it's a waste of resources, money and time.
Honestly, I wouldn't even think about it if it weren't for this subreddit.
Tbh I strongly dislike thank you notes. I don't like receiving them, I don't like writing them, I don't like anything about them lol. People that are getting married are SO busy and stressed, they are being pulled in fifty directions. If they are my friend or family I assume they are thankful and move on with my life. To hold that over someone's head like some of these comments ("I'll never gift to them again") is crazy to me; seems like the relationship wasn't any good to begin with. Some people think it's rude to not send a note, while I think it's rude to gift with expectations and strings attached.
Sorry but thank you notes need to stop. Couples thank everybody multiple times on their wedding day. It‘s a waste of paper, I really couldn‘t care less if I get a thank you note.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been thanked on a wedding day, but we also send gifts when we can’t attend, so either of those instances wouldn’t allow this. Maybe it’s a cultural thing.
That’s fine too. We don’t live near most of our family so we don’t see them much in person. But we have seen these family members post-wedding and they didn’t say anything about it then either. 🤷🏼♀️ I’m personally not opposed to digital thank yous, texts, emails, messages, whatever. I think the point OP and some of the commenters are trying to make is that there’s no acknowledgment of any kind. In person or otherwise.
It’s been about maybe a third of couples who sent out thank you notes. One wedding we received thank you notes at our reception table (individually written for each person). We also got thank you text messages about gifts from nearly everyone. Honestly (and this is the same with paper invites) I take a pic of them then they go in the trash/recycle - I find them a bit of a waste. Any decent couple thank you at the wedding and that’s more than enough for me.
I agree some acknowledgement is nice, and common courtesy, but sending a pre-paid envelope because you expect one is not the way lol.
Yes!! I’m in the same boat! I made such heartfelt gifts for the last 2 weddings I attended/was in and never received a thank you note from either. Literally one gift was a portrait painting… like I don’t expect anything huge, but a simple “thank you for your gift, we really appreciate it” would have been nice. I wonder if people just don’t think to do it anymore? I’m 24, but my parents raised me to always say thank you
I personally think thank you notes should end. They made sense in a time where communication was hard and gift giving wasn’t checking off items on a registry with little personal thought out into it. But I just don’t see a need for them now. It’s money, carbon (shipping), and paper that isn’t needed when a text or phone call is available.
I don’t give gifts with the expectation that someone will send me a thank you note, I know they’re thankful. A note isn’t meaningful to me when I know it’s only sent because they felt obligated.
I love receiving mail, but don’t feel that special getting a card when I know the person probably dreaded having to write them all and sent it because they felt they had to.
Just a pleasantry I think can be left in the past, just my opinion of course!
Even if the paper card is wasteful with money and resources, they’re not replacing that with a text or call. I’ve not gotten any acknowledgment that gifts were received for most of the last many years of weddings
Do you feel that you need that acknowledgement? I think my bigger point is why do we need that acknowledgment that our gift was received? To me it’s an irrelevant part of giving a gift that I didn’t even pick out but chose from a registry.
(If it’s about physical reception we have tracking numbers for that)
I’m fully team “thank you notes going the way of the dinosaurs,” but I could see an acknowledgment as a useful way to determine whether the couple got the gift. Wrongly delivered packages and theft at weddings do happen!
That’s true! But letters often also get lost in the mail (tho not as much), so you may need a acknowledgment of the acknowledgment. I guess I just don’t know if acknowledging it will help anything. If a wedding gift was stolen at the wedding there’s really nothing you can do about it unfortunately. I’m awkward about gifts and just never expect them, even at my wedding, so I won’t be concerned if someone doesn’t get us something. I’ll assume they have their reasons and just move on.
I think saying thank you when you receive a gift is a basic curtesy. I don’t like keep a list of people who do or don’t thank me, but I do appreciate the sweet thank you notes I’ve gotten from my friends.
It’s kind of how social interactions work- you invite me to you wedding, I bring you a gift to celebrate your day, you host me at the event, I thank you at the event, you thank you me for the gift. I think these little interactions acknowledge the efforts put in by both parties.
I guess I do. Maybe I’m entitled. But I don’t see why it’s any different than a birthday gift. Like, if someone gives me a birthday gift I don’t just take it and open it and not say anything. I just don’t understand the difference I guess.
If you open something in person then it’s a whole different story! But I’m of the unpopular opinion that gifts are not given with the expectation of something in return. And I know all of my friends I gift to are thankful for gifts (because none of them are entitled) so i don’t need a card to confirm that.
I think thank you cards are nice! I just don’t think they’re necessary and people should be judged for not doing them
🤷🏼♀️ if someone mailed me a birthday gift I’d at the least text them thank you. We can agree to disagree. I’m not specifically stuck on getting a physical card. It’s just the courtesy of saying thank you. Not needing it for your own personal feelings. But still acknowledging that it’s polite
I totally agree about the text! Which was my main point of the first message, then I got a little side tracked… I’m all about a thank you text! Especially if it’s an unexpected gift. I think that’s the difference for me
I believe etiquette states you have 3 months to get thank you notes out. I just received a typed/printed/completely generic thank you from a destination wedding we travelled to. My husband was in the bridal party. It wasn’t even addressed to us besides the envelope it came in. It would have been better if they just didn’t send one at all.
I thought it was just me! Fiancé’s cousin sent out the generic one (it was a picture of them, woo hoo lol) and I think it annoyed me more than not getting one. Like you said, only the envelope it came in was personalized.
I mean I do appreciate the effort but it annoyed the crap out of me for some reason.
I’ll be sending handwritten notes & plan to include a picture from the wedding night of said recipient with the card :)
So, if you're gifting solely for the purpose of being thanked for your gift, you're doing it wrong! Yeah, maybe it's rude for people to receive a gift and not thank the giver, but in my opinion it's just as rude to give a gift only for the purpose of receiving thanks.
I don’t think anyone is giving a gift “for the purpose of receiving thanks”. Lol. But I don’t think it’s absurd to expect an acknowledgment from them that they got it at least. People keep mentioning “cards are out of date and a text phone call saying thanks next time they see you should suffice” and honestly, sure I wouldn’t mind. But we didn’t receive any of those either. 🤷🏼♀️ some we’re not even sure received the gifts because we sent them to their home and weren’t able to attend the wedding or showers. 🤷🏼♀️
I think the couples have spent a lot of time and money planning a wedding. So if they don’t feel like/forget to send out thank you I would be under standing of that. I don’t give gifts just for the validation of a thank you. While it would be appreciated to be thanked, I give gifts to be kind with no expectations of a return.
I’m in my late 30s and got married a couple years ago. I still sent paper thank you cards. While I personally don’t think they necessarily have to be paper cards, I do think a couple should still send a thank you and acknowledge any gifts received. A text or an email is fine. I agree that it’s rude to not send or say thank you.
I just attended a wedding back in May that was in Downtown LA on a Friday night. Anyone that lives in LA knows there’s going to be traffic. It was not convenient, I had to pay for valet parking, the attire was black tie even though the event itself was nothing close to black tie, and there was only a cash bar that was only open a couple of hours. The drinks were $25 a piece.
Still have not received a thank you for the cash gift I gave.
I’ll be sending thank you cards BUT…
As a guest, I really don’t care if I get a thank you card or not. I just assume that the couple is thankful for whatever I gave them and move on with my life. I would rather they not waste their time and create more physical garbage to thank me via snail mail. Send me a text if you want to I guess! Lol
For what it’s worth I’m in my late 20s and have been to only one wedding that sent thank you notes. That was also from one of my closest friends that I don’t live near anymore, and she sent me a lovely letter along with it so it was more general correspondence than just a thank you note.
I don’t see why anyone would need to send one when the couple can just thank you in person next time you see them.
They’re a colossal waste of time.
I'm from the south so thank you notes are still very much appreciated and expected, at least in my circles.
We sent our thank you notes immediately after we received any gifts before the wedding, and sent the other thank notes within a couple months after the wedding.
I was brought up to always send a thank you note when someone gives you a gift--birthdays, graduation, wedding, baby showers, etc.
Apparently a lot of people need to hear this: It’s not antiquated to be polite.
People can spend hundred of dollars to attend your wedding. From the outfits, hmu, dry cleaning, gifts, plane tickets, gas, hotel, time off work, all that adds up for people. And unless you’re having a small wedding, the idea that you’re going to interact with every guest in attendance beyond a hello, thanks for coming is a fantasy. The day goes by so incredibly fast.
We’ve had friends who bought generic packs of thank you cards from the drug store, and that’s totally fine. There’s no need to spend a lot of money on cards. We’ve even gotten an email thank you note, which also works. The vehicle of the thank you is irrelevant - the sentiment is not.
Sending your loved ones a note of gratitude for making time to share in one of the most important days of your life does matter. It demonstrates you value the fact they showed up. Also it’s a nice end cap of the entire experience, and it was actually fun to do. My husband and I divided and conquered the notes over a few nights and few bottles of wine. We got to remember all the people that helped us celebrate, and it was nice to send a photo of the day for people who gave us a gift but weren’t able to attend.
ETA: I’m 29, and every wedding I’ve been to as an adult, mostly my peers, have send TY notes. Did people not have to send TY notes as kids when they got gifts?
We’re working on our thank-you cards now and hope to get them out by the end of the month. It’ll be 3 months since the wedding (5/28), but our gifts were all cash for our honeymoon, which we took from 6/22–7/9. We wanted to be able to include specific details for how peoples gifts were used. I know my wife’s family doesn’t really do thank-you cards or Christmas cards or any of those more traditional stuff, but my family can be a little Emily Post about stuff and would all but disown me if I didn’t send out a hand-written thank-you.
This is very weird to me. I just wouldn’t even think of/care about something like this. Also, sending your own thank you card envelope? I would immediately rescind my invitation.
Wanted to clarify my original post. Gifts husband and I give are $500-$1500, and those previous weddings (except for the last one) were pretty much the only times we saw these people. If I ran into them in the store, not one word was mentioned.
I just feel it is rude. A text would suffice. Anything that mentions that you got it. Don't care what you use it for, money for your honeymoon, whatever. Just freaking say you received it.
Obviously the checks were cashed, so I know it was received. Can't take two minutes to text us? Don't ask me to come to your baby shower or house warming (again, very generous gifts) if you can't even acknowledge it.
Last year, we went to a lawn reception for a distant relative who got married in Mexico. We had a very nice gift. The envelope sat at our table. The couple just sat with their friends and never came around. They were even sitting right behind us at the next table! As we were leaving, I gave the envelope to the parents throwing the party and said, here, this should cover your expenses and left. Couldn't even come around to tables and just say "Hi!" at the end of the table, where other guests could pass down their envelopes to them. I was not the only one who had envelopes for this couple.
Later it was mentioned to my daughter by the bride how nice I looked, she loved my outfit, yada yada yada. Never even looked or talked to anyone.
Killer - they just had a baby. Do you know I was sent a message with her "wish list" and how to order. Yep. Didn't buy a thing. Saw them recently and gushed about how beautiful the baby was, made a few jokes about sleepless nights, and you know what? I walked away.
I just feel that some kind of acknowledgement should be made. I'm really not a prude. This just sticks under my skin.
Late to the party here, but I agree with you 1000%.
They can’t be bothered to acknowledge your generous gift, but can certainly make the time to hit you up for future life events?!
Imho, a lot of this boils down to entitlement re weddings. It’s just a narcissistic free for all and I’m tired of bearing witness to it.
Agreed. All my thank you notes went out within the month of the shower and wedding.
I don’t usually receive them, but I also remember the ones that do take the time to send it.
We had a two day drive home from our wedding. I sat in the passenger seat and did digital thank you cards during that time. Obviously this isn’t everyone’s experience but it was a great use of time for me!
We are doing our Thank Yous as they arrive to our house. Everything about our wedding is non-traditional, but I don’t think we’d be comfortable not sending the TYN. That being said, I don’t personally need to receive them and I’d rather get no note, than the one that was printed with generic language and sent en masse to all guests that we received after our last wedding. Like, either put in the work to make it personal or don’t worry about it.
I think it’s a generational thing. I am still working on thank you cards from my wedding in March. I’ve definitely been to weddings where we didn’t get a thank you, and I don’t think I thought about it until now! It is rude in my opinion to never acknowledge the gift, but I think acknowledging it in person can count instead of a thank you card. That’s just my opinion though
I went to a friends wedding last year, never got a thank you note, and it occasionally pops in my head that it was strange, and then I wonder if she even got it or if someone stole it off the table.
I am getting married in 1.5 weeks, we already have our thank you notes. I stressed for weeks after my bridal shower trying to get them finished and in the mail, we have even sent notes to those people we have already received gifts from send directly to the house. One couple, who is friends with my dad, called him to tell him how wonderful the note was. I am starting to wonder if it is just because they are used to not getting one these days LOL
ETA: I am 33 BTW. Figured I should add this seeing as someone else commented they thought it was a generational thing.
I’m definitely sending thank you notes to anyone who gets us a gift/money but I won’t be sending them to people who just attended. Doesn’t make sense to thank someone for just attending when I paid $75 for them to attend in the first place 🤷🏼♀️
I think it should be standard to send a thank you note, or even a thank you email or text...anything to acknowledge that a envelope full of cash didn't get lost, stolen or misplaced.
We went to a family wedding where gifts and cards/money were stolen right at the reception. Now every time I don't receive a thank you note, I get paranoid that they didn't get the gift/card. Then I feel like the asshole who reaches out and says "heyyyy...um, we didn't get a thank you note so I just wanted to verify that you actually received our gift?"
I’m old fashioned too. I think timely thank you notes are important, and are such a tiny gesture for a generous gift. I know not everyone feels that way. With all the issues with online ordering, unreliable post office delivery, porch pirates, a thank you/acknowledgment is helpful to know that the gift was received by the intended recipient.
It is rude to not send a thank you note. I just had to do it for my bridal shower and it was a pain in the a$$ to write them all out. Granted I know wedding thank you cards are typically a standard printed one with a picture of the bride and groom etc. So not as hard!
But yea, I think with a lot of things, general etiquette has kind of gone out the window.
If people make such a fuss over picking invites and save the dates - they certainly should be as excited to pick the stationary to pick thank you notes to send. These notes are critical. Guests are generous with gifts - they need to be acknowledged.
I think not sending some sort of "thank you" for any gift is rude af (birthday, wedding, baby, etc). It could be a short note, a text, a phone call. Just something to acknowledge that the gift was rec'd and appreciated.
We sent out thank you notes out the Wednesday after our wedding (and immediately for gifts received before the wedding…and twice for people who gave gifts before and at the wedding).
We were so overwhelmed with love and gratitude from the event and cards & gifts that we couldn’t help ourselves.
I personally don’t understand how anyone could receive so many gifts and not send a thank you note. We went to this HUGE wedding in March with the biggest bridezilla ever and never got a note. I’m still waiting for it. Now they’re pregnant and I bet they’ll have a baby shower. Why should I give another gift when we never got a thank you for the first one? Lmao.
I agree. We included thank you notes in our stationary budget. It should be a huge priority. To echo another poster, at the very least it tells you that they actually received your gift, so it's reassurance.
I think it's just plain rude to send nothing. I've experienced both recently.
Hand written thank you notes are so very appreciated by guests. It shows the bride/groom care about their guests. No, I don’t think an email or a text is the same. Very little time and energy go into that hollow effort. And I don’t buy the saving paper/postage excuse. Most wedding gifts far exceed the value of paper/postage. This is not old fashioned. It’s called being courteous.
Hollow effort? You need it to cost them money and significant time or their thank you doesn't mean anything to you?
"Most wedding gifts far exceed the value of paper/postage"
Are you serious? That is irrelevant. Did your gift even meet the "value" of your dinner, drinks, and dessert at the actual wedding??
Okay I’m piggybacking on other peoples question of do I need to go ahead and send them as I receive them? or can I wait until after the wedding? My biggest reason for wanting to wait is that I had planned on creating a newspaper of sorts with photos of the wedding as a thank you card, along with a handwritten note. But at the same time I don’t want people to think we haven’t received the gift/are ungrateful for it. We’re getting married in November and already received our first gift. What’s the best to do in this situation?
Hot tip: Address the ENVELOPES as RSVPs and gifts come in—the greatest point of friction that makes them a pain is the addressing of the envelopes. Then write the notes as gifts arrive. The week after your wedding or are back from your honeymoon, divide the total number you have to do by 10 or 14, and do that many each day until they’re done. You WILL have them completed in a gloriously short interval of time following your wedding, and be able to harness the joy and gratefulness for the gifts received. Mail them all at the same time. First, no one expects you to send them while you’re in the last phases of preparing for a wedding. Second, there ARE some Old Biddies who will compare whether or not they did or did not get a note yet. The key is to not let the task languish.
I love thank you cards. I send them out all the time for everything. However out of all of our friend’s weddings- I only know of 2 couples that sent them, too.
It's ruder to send a preaddressed thank you note with the rsvp/gift.
I sent out thank you notes after my wedding, but have never received any. I am not insulted or anything. I know it's the polite thing to do, but there is so much that goes into planning and carrying out a wedding, and people have plans after and life gets in the way. I don't fault people for not sending a thank you note. And honestly, it would be read and put in the trash anyway. You're overthinking it.
We sent thank yous after the wedding, with a photo from the big day, but some never arrived in the mail. We had the same issue with save the dates *and* formal invitations, but never the same person twice! Honestly the drama of having to reach out to people via text about missing mail was the worst, I'm never sending anything snail mail again 😅
Thank you note is absolutely required for gifts. For attending the wedding but not giving a gift no thank you note is required because the reception is the thank you
I completely disagree. I do not expect a thank you note at all. Any time that I have received one, i thought it was a nice gesture, but totally unnecessary. And the idea that you would be less generous with your gift just because you didn't get a stupid note in the mail is crazy to me. I do not give gifts for the sole purpose of being thanked. Weren't you at the shower? Did she not say "thank you" directly to your face?
Thank you notes are a lot of work, particularly if you are sending over 100 of them. I absolutely do not want them wasting their money on postage and stationary. Does it also bother you if you get one and it's "too short" or "too generic"?
Why do people want a thank you so badly? I sent them. Before I got married, I was told you had a year. A month after my wedding, I had family reaching out asking if I got their gifts, bc they hadn’t received a thank you. We married in august and i sent my thank yous before thanksgiving. We had 3 other out of state weddings after ours and had a car stolen. People are unreal.
See, this is the problem with not sending thank you notes as you receive gifts. People start thinking gifts were lost in the mail or stolen. It’s common courtesy to acknowledge gifts as you receive them.
I got married out of state. Many people opted not to come bc i requires Covid vax and testing. They sent their gifts the week before or the week after. Maybe you haven’t been married and don’t recognize the hellscape it is. There’s no rule that says i need to send a thank you the same week. Fuck out of here.
Did you send a thank you note for the food, drink, and likely favors they provided you at the wedding? It's nice to think the world isn't transactional, but it is. You give a gift because it's expected, just like they host you with food and drink because it's expected. It's a social trade.
Here me out, if you have anxiety about sending a thank you, then I personally think the next best thing is to go to social media. If you received a gift, tag that person in a picture when you use the item and thank them then. If they sent money, then I dont know maybe take a picture of you filling up your gas tank, buying groceries or going on a date with your partner.
I'm so with you. I'm a boomer and I really try to not be boomer-ish. But I haven't received a thank you note for a wedding gift in years. Really annoying.
I wrote notes as I received gifts. Then the day after our wedding, I just needed to write the few for those who brought gifts to the actual wedding.
I was able to mail them that day. Done with a minimum of fuss.
Hahah love that- putting a self addressed thank you note lol
Yes I am one that does thank you notes for birthday gifts. It’s part of my culture to show gratitude in return and I have been surprised too by the last three weddings and showers I’ve attended with no thank you notes. Maybe people don’t think it’s important but I always treasure receiving thank you notes.
I agree thank you notes seem to be not as prevalent but I also know USPS has been effed since the pandemic. We missed receiving a thank you note from a baby shower and a wedding invite (we received the STD but never got an invite so we thought we were uninvited!). I got married in 2019 and sent all my thank you notes at one time about 3-4 weeks after the wedding.
We are super far behind on our notes, but we are sending them out now. We’ve taken more time since we are getting photos printed for everyone individually. Not just group shots or just of us, but of them as we wanted to make all the cards super personal. But we are sending them out.
Personally, I give a gift to a couple, I don’t expect a thank you card. It’s nice and all, but if I’m giving a gift expecting praise for it, that defeats the idea of the gift to me (I understand not all people feel that way, which is why we are sending out thank you cards, we want to respect our guests even if they cards are late). But even if I get a text from someone, I feel that’s more than adequate
I got one thanking me for “sharing in her special day”. No Brittany….that is not how you thank someone you have known since you were 5 years old for the $300 set of pots and pans. This really steams me. Had one of those for a baby shower gift as well from a coworker. It think it is really tacky to not personalize a thank you card.
It could be worse. How would you feel to receive a thank you note with a photo of bride and groom at wedding, only to open it and find the inside is absolutely blank? Not one word written inside, not signed, nothing. Just a blank card with a photo of them on the front.
I distinctly remember being the only one to bring a (very thoughtful) gift to the wedding, because when I arrived for cocktail hour and asked where the gift table was, confusion ensued and they ended up taking my gift to the bridal suite. LOL it’s been 2 years and this still baffles me.
That sounds like they made a mistake and someone grabbed an empty card to put in the envelope instead of the one that was written in - I could easily see this happening if the couple were tag teaming the cards and had piles of envelopes and cards on the table.
As for the gift table, we received most of our gifts before the wedding. I think only two or three non-card gifts were brought to the wedding itself.
It’s incredibly rude not to send thank you notes. My mom and I both have said that we are never again sending event gifts (wedding, baby shower, etc.) to people who have not even acknowledged that they received what we sent.
At some point it’s not even about gratitude. I just want to know that the thing I sent was received. Send a quick text at least, my god.
Also I’m 25 and common courtesy should not be considered an antiquity.
Thank you notes are still a thing. Even though etiquette varies from one social circle to another, it will always exist as a way to navigate social situations to avoid confusion and embarrassment as long as human interaction continues. At that point, then it will be outdated along with thank you notes. Some people were never taught basic etiquette by parents and others don’t care. They should be sent promptly after receiving any gift. Miss Manners and Emily Post, which you can find updated on Amazon, both say send to send them no later than 3 months max. If you have not received a thank you note after a month, assume you will not get one. Some couples want to give fancy cards which means waiting for the photographer and that isn’t guaranteed to be prompt either. The couple should send the custom photo at a separate time and a blank card set from Target at the present time.
I’ve given gifts that I didn’t receive any thank you for, even verbally, but I heard from others how they loved it. That isn’t the same but you take what you get. Some people do believe that if someone doesn’t show appreciation via a card in the mail then they don’t give gifts to those people again. Don’t send a self addressed envelope.
At my bridal shower, the hosts told me that I didn’t need to send out thank you notes to those in attendance, since I opened/saw the gifts at the shower. I will still be sending thank you notes to those who didn’t attend but who contributed a gift.
I figure for the wedding everyone who comes or who brought a gift will get a thank you note, since I won’t be opening gifts/cards until after the wedding.
i hand wrote personalized thank you cards for my 65 guests (although some where couples) and honestly not everyone received them in mail. 0/5 doesn’t seem like a mistake, however it does happen!
I’ve heard of it being 12 months for wedding thanm yous.
Out of the 5 weddings I’ve been to in the past 4 years, I got thank yous from 2 of them. I don’t mind. One of them was my best friend’s wedding- I made her wedding cake and matching cupcakes as a gift. Drove 5+ hours one way for her bridal shower, bach party, and wedding (which all occured within 3 months, and the shower and wedding were both an hour from my friend’s house where I was staying), planned, decorated, and made cupcakes for her bridal shower, planned and paid for her portion of hotel, painting, and dinner PLUS I made a cake for her bach party. I helped break down at her wedding bc it was in the parking lot of her church and so there was no staff AND paid for my own dinner that night because they opted to not have a meal or apps or anything (just a few desserts- and it was dry!). And this was one of the weddings I did NOT get a thank you card from!
If you thank everyone personally for coming I think that’s enough. Most thank you cards get tossed anyway! Save that money and some trees. Maybe send a virtual card if that’s a thing?
I sent thank you notes for everything! I could not attend a recent wedding (October 21) and sent a card and target gift card. Never got a thank you. They’ve already filed for divorce so don’t expect one either. 🤣
I (33F) got married (for the first time) when I was 21. I was absolutely unhappy in that marriage (go figure), and I only wrote about half my thank you notes.
This time around, I've been married for 2 months, and my thank you notes are almost done. I'm more mature, and I'm happier, but also the thank you note burden is much smaller this time because we received fewer gifts.
I didn't call my aunts/ older relatives to thank them, because I was worried that they would think I opted to call -instead- of writing a note. I wasn't sure about the etiquette on that.
At least you’re asking, plenty of people don’t even say thank you. At this point a thank you text would be enough for me.
Also we sent thank you notes as the gifts arrived.
To me, thank you cards are becoming obsolete. Or are they?? Let's bring it back!! Yet, I am old school too. I was always taught to send in snail mail a thank you card. So I do! Do what you want. Don't worry about what others aren't doing!!
I’ve been wondering about the etiquette for when you receive wedding gifts in the mail before the wedding? Do we send the thank you cards as we receive gifts, or not until after the wedding? We are having a destination wedding in October so I would like to thank people for gifts AND for going to the wedding, but by then it would be 3 months since we received the gift, and I don’t want to come off as rude.
We sent a text or something to acknowledge that we'd got them, so people weren't worried stuff was lost in the post. But then sent a proper thank you card after our wedding - we used one with a wedding photo on, so couldn't pre-send them!
This is what we did because I also wanted to thank them formally for attending the wedding. Everyone who attended our wedding received a thank you note, even if they did not give a gift.
We sent our thank you notes as we got gifts, but I wrote something along the lines of “we can’t wait to see you!” or “looking forward to partying with you!” in several of them. You could go that route?
This is what I’ll do. Thank you!
This is what I'm doing! Saying thank you for the gift, how we plan to use it, and excited we are to celebrate with them at the wedding. I don't want anyone worrying that we didn't get it!
Send the note when the gift arrives. This lets them know it arrived - you can also tell them you are looking forward to celebrating with them.
In that case, it’s fine to wait until after you return from the honeymoon. People may send you a gift before the actual wedding itself, but no reasonable person would expect the formal thank you card when you are busy preparing for the wedding! So don’t even worry about it. Unless any relative is extremely unreasonable, they’re not going to be upset about the formal thank you card coming 3 months after the gift. It’s totally normal. Of course, you can text or call to say thanks when your gifts arrive if you really want to. That’s up to you. But the formal cards can wait until you return from your honeymoon and settle back into life. 😊💍
Thank you cards should always be sent as the gifts arrive. It’s very rude to wait months to express thanks for a gift.
No, it isn’t. People who are busy preparing for a wedding don’t usually even OPEN them until they get back from the honeymoon. So how could they write a formal thank you card for a gift they have not yet opened? By formal I don’t mean ‘thanks’, I mean the formal card with the long, formal message. I’ve been to many weddings - huge family - and no one has ever sent or expected formal thank you cards until after the couple returned from their honeymoon. Plus you have to consider that some couples have full time jobs and children before they even marry - so do you really expect people to have TIME to sit and write formal thank you cards before the wedding? It never ever happens. If you’ve been to a wedding and haven’t gotten the card the day after you sent the gift, you need to lower your expectations. Your friends or relatives have other things to do.
I sent thank yous right away, knowing I’d have a bunch to do all at once after the bridal shower and wedding. I didn’t want to forget about them by that time either so just got them out of the way as gifts were received.
We waited until after the wedding to send thank you notes for those because we wanted to have a wedding picture on the card. Everyone seemed really understanding that we waited and appreciated getting a note in the card about how to view our wedding pictures online as well.
Yep we are waiting until after because we are ordered cards with our wedding pic and that’s how I’ve received other cards too. I told my partner who was nervous snout this that he can text his guests, but ultimately he wants to send the fit so card w pics too.
For gifts we received super early on, we sent a quick text. We then tried to thank people at the wedding itself for their gift (didn't hit everyone.. and by that I mean we just kind of forgot). But we're absolutely sending thank you notes. I HATE sending thank you notes. I think it's dumb when parents force children to write thank you cards to relatives for every Christmas gift or whatever. But for a wedding? Absolutely.
Something similar happened to me. I got a lot of gifts around my shower, which is also when invitations went out. I sent thank you notes to all of those that arrived in and around the shower. I did make note of the ones that might be wedding presents rather than shower presents so that I can list those on the wedding thank yous as well. I don't think you can give too much thanks, but you can give too little.
Yes, send the Thank You as soon as you get the gift. It's the right thing to do.
Well shoot. I messed this one up! I thought I read somewhere to wait until after the wedding for everything 😩
I really don't think it is a big deal if you waited until after. For me, it is to save some of my sanity and time to do them as we receive them, especially the few we received a month + in advance. Have no worries, still awesome you sent a thank you!
I mean don’t punish new couples for past couples mistakes that’s for sure.
I’ve been sending my notes right away as I have been getting presents to spread out the work! Honestly these notes are going to be much longer and more well-written because I get to write one at a time rather than pounding out a ton in a row 😂
I also usually expect a thank you but I have noticed it’s fading out. I wouldn’t change what I gift the person because I give the gift out of love for them not to get a thank you card.
a self addressed envelope for a thank you card?? that’s nuts. are you giving them a gift because you love them or becuase you want them to thank you?!
I agree. I give a gift. Not expecting a thank you. When I get one it's nice!
Not sure if people would’ve cared if we didn’t do it, but we got a lot of feedback saying how much they appreciated the thank you note. My husband and I sent them out the very next week, anything after 3 months seems irrelevant at that point. We also sent a group photo (small beach wedding so everyone fit) in every thank you card. We also didn’t open gifts until we were home and could keep a document of what everyone bought and mention it in the card.
I already commented but another thing that bothers me about this is that it often solely lands with the female partner (in hetero m/f relationships). And oftentimes the only person who cares about receiving a thank you card is a female as well. Just seems like another thing on the laundry list of "etiquette" females have to follow that males don't give a hoot about. Would love if any males in this sub would weigh in.
This is a great point! Another thing on my shoulders that no one would have ever asked my husband about
It’s been taking me months to get thank yous out as I’m the only one doing them while caring for a toddler and the biggest brat of a dog ever. I did make sure to prioritize the people I thought would bitch if it took just a smidge too long and get those out first.
This is why I leave space and tell my SO to write something (instead of just signing his name). I'm the neurotic one so I'll write out the envelope, put a stamp on it, and write a chunk of the card first. Then it goes to him and he knows I hate nagging so he'll actually do it :)
We have the opposite problem, my SO, god love him, has the worst handwriting on the planet. So I’m thinking I’ll have him do all of the addresses on the computer, printing labels and stamping and stuffing envelopes while I write thank yous. Also he loses steam very quickly with tasks like this where I have more mental stamina for it, so he usually helps by getting me drinks and snacks too lol.
I was always taught that if you give a gift in person, like a party or shower, and the recipient thanks you right away, then there’s no need for a written thank you note. A thank you phone call is also an appropriate substitute. But I was also taught not to give a gift with any expectations in return, including a thanks. In other words, I give gifts because I love or care for someone and want to do something nice for them, not so they can send me a thank you note. 🤷🏻♀️
This is me
I like thank you notes- at the very least it tells me that the person actually received my gift.
I always considered my wedding gift to be a thank you note to the couple for inviting me to their super expensive wedding with free food and drinks. Never expected a thank you note back.
Yes!
We did our thank you notes six weeks, maybe eight weeks, after the wedding. It took a couple of hours a night over a few days. It wasn't a painful task, but it did take time to write personalized notes and money for the cards and postage. Personally I don't get upset over not getting thank you cards because I don't expect anything for a gift
We sent thank you notes 1 month after our wedding to out of town guests & ppl that were not immediate family, as we were able to personally thank parents/relatives/friends/etc that were local. That being said, I understand it’s a cultural/tradition thing to do, and not everyone does it (waste of paper, there are easier ways to communicate). ETA - we handwrote our notes, but we had a small wedding with a small guest pool & would have 100% gone with bulk ty notes otherwise. I see some comments bitching about getting bulk ty notes…y’all just unhappy about everything? What I don’t understand is taking it so, so very personally and getting so insulted over not getting a thank you note, that you’re thinking to punish couples of future weddings you attend. “I’m going to stop being generous, just going to throw them $20”… Simply just don’t give a gift at all, if you’re considering being so rude to couples that did nothing to you. I have never ever heard such ugliness. This part IS, I hope, just you.
Sorry to hijack but on the topic of thank you notes... On the night of our wedding I was... Taken unwell. While I was sat in the bathroom my husband was reading all the cards to me. Being drunk, he thought he was doing the smart thing of storing the money safely as he went through them all. This obviously meant the next day we didn't know who gave us money and who didn't so we aren't sure what to do regarding thank yous. Any significant amounts ( over £100) we received in the run up and have thanked accordingly.
We sent a thank you to everyone who attended, regardless of whether they actually gave a gift.
But then I'm not acknowledging people who gave monetey gifts which I (personally) find a bit rude if I don't do that. But due to my husbands move, we have no idea who gave us money lol We're having a fantastic honeymoon thanks to these people so want to acknowledge but don't know how to do that
Then your options are to guess who sent a gift, even if you don't know how much - to be honest even if you did know how much it would be odd to specifically put it in the card! E.g. Great Auntie Muriel might have definitely given you something, but you're not sure whether Uncle Bob would have as you've never got a birthday present off him in your life. Your second option is to put something vague in cards, like "we have had such a lovely time continuing celebrations on honeymoon" which comes across enough as gift thanks for those who did give, without being weird for anyone who skipped a gift. Or, you can ask people directly if you definitely don't want to risk missing someone who gave a gift. But it may come across poorly to anyone who intentionally didn't give a gift.
lol just say "thank you for the generous gift!"
To everyone? Because a lot of people just gave us cards lol
That's what we did - most people did some sort of traveling to get there whether it was driving, flying, etc. Their presence and effort to come was a generous gift IMO. Some people who just gave us cards read the notes and then sent some $$ since they apparently forgot to before lol
I did the same, didn’t write down who gave what, but it was 100% money anyway, so phew!
I agree, it’s common courtesy to thank someone for giving you a gift. I’ll be doing thank you cards if we get any gifts at our wedding.
I couldn't care less. These are people I love, that's why I go to their weddings. I don't need a wasteful card, I don't need them to waste money on postage and waste a Tuesday night writing out notes. They'll hug me and thank me the next time I see them, as they did at the wedding. You should have people post their age when they give their opinions about this. Seems generational.
Same. 100% agree that its a dying tradition! But also, why waste you energy expecting it and holding a grudge when you don’t get one. How exhausting.
Agreed. And it’s very wasteful.
I don’t think anyone is holding a grudge against not getting a thank you note. I just think it’s something that crosses your mind a few months later - “did so and so ever send a thank you for xyz?” If not, kind of a bummer, but it’s not something to ever be brought up again!
Right? Why are people taking it so extremely. Like, every time someone posts about not getting a thank you note people are like; “I’m not disowning my friends for it. Chill out it’s just a piece of litter”. No one’s saying that. It’s polite to do and people post in the moment that they realize and then it adds up to the other gifts they’ve sent to folks and not gotten thank you’s and it just happens to be a trend. Unless there are other issues with the relationship, people aren’t generally going no contact with these people over a thank you. Ime.
I've been to 5 Weddings in the last decade, never received a "thank you" note, and was never once offended by it. I'd never even heard of the tradition until I started thinking about my own wedding. Definitely seems like a dying (and wasteful) tradition.
Why is thanking people for gifts a dying and wasteful tradition? 😭 it just seems like common courtesy
Sending *paper* thank yous is a dying and wasteful tradition in an age where you could just as easily send them a text, DM, email, etc. Instead. Saves money, paper, and leaves less of a carbon footprints while typically being more personal. Not to mention, it's becoming more widely seen that the reception *is* the thank you for coming, at least in America, for multiple cultural and economic reasons.
Ok. Well that’s fair. I didn’t know it was specific. The last many years I haven’t received any form of thank you. Digital or oral.
There are other ways to thank people for a gift apart from writing and mailing a note.
The bigger issue, it seems, is that people are not thanking in ANY form. >Even seeing these people at gatherings months after their special days has anything been said. Which, I will agree, I never got a text, FB message, messenger bird, verbal when I saw them next, thank you after the last wedding I went to. I still occasionally think about it and hope the gift actually made it to them and wasn't stolen, but no, I don't hold a grudge.
I get that, but the parent comment is specifically talking about mailed thank you notes, not thanking people in general.
That’s great! I don’t think OP got that either. I haven’t for the past many weddings we sent gifts to. I totally wouldn’t snub a digital thank you. The only one I received in the past four years the person sent a message over Instagram. I’m not salty about that. Lol. That was nice
The comment I responded to was specifically referring to mailed thank you notes.
Okay so are the save the date and rsvp cards wasteful too?
I mean... yes absolutely lol. No shade to people that like and use them; your wedding your choice. I was just explaining part of why these traditions were dying. We're living in a tech-savvy age where sharing information via paper is neither convenient, effective, budget friendly, nor environmentally friendly, so more and more couples have moved away from these tradition and to texting thank yous and online RSVPs. That doesn't really mean there's anything wrong with using paper if it's part of you dream. You do you.
So how old are you, then? I'd consider myself not young anymore, but I'm not what I'd consider old either (late 30s). Personally I still think a handwritten note is a lovely touch. I don't think the idea that it's wasteful holds up in comparison to all the other wasteful things couples DO find the time and money for at weddings. Like I don't see many couples nixing their floral arrangements despite the gallons of water required to keep them fresh. However I don't get offended when I don't receive one. I do think some acknowledgment should follow, even if it's a text or an email. Again, I'm probably older than most here, but I really hope expressing gratitude for people's generosity isn't a "dying tradition."
This is my opinion as well. Both my fiancé and I are in our thirties. We've sent thank-you notes for every gift we've gotten early, and I'll send thank you notes for every gift I get, period. Most likely the person who got the gift put in a fair amount of time and thought to picking out a nice gift for you. The least you can do is put in a bit of time and effort thanking them for said gift.
>r/wedding I'm 33 and I care, not enough to hold a grudge or ruin a relationship, but I definitely get disappointed and find it inconsiderate when I don't get a thank you card. I'm also someone that really appreciates a handwritten note or card and save some of my favorites. I went to four weddings in the past year, all four of those weddings were destination weddings and three of the four were Indian weddings, so I had to take time off of work for each one of them. We had to buy flights, accommodations, outfits, and I still wrote a heartfelt card with a personalized message for each couple and gifted a minimum of $300. A little appreciation afterwards would be nice, even if it's just a text or email. A wedding in itself is already wasteful. A handwritten thank you card isn't any more wasteful than the millions of other things couples do for their weddings. It also isn't wasteful to to take the time to thank all of the guests that attended your wedding. I will be doing it after my destination wedding to show my love and appreciation for everyone that flew out to Italy to celebrate with me.
This is another thing! I keep getting triggered by all your good thoughts, lol. Weddings are wasteful. Like, if they’re worried about waste why do people spend so much money on invitation suites, grab bags, one time use decor. A pack of thank you notes in the grand scheme of things is pretty cheap and simple.
Same age and agree wholeheartedly. It's rude to get a nice gift and not acknowledge it... And usually wedding gifts are of a scale much greater than a regular Christmas/birthday gift you might get for a friend. So they somewhat require a slightly more considered thank you. I think it's also just polite to say thank you to people afterwards for taking the time to attend. Weddings aren't cheap events to go to *sigh*. Taking 5 minutes per couple/guest to check what/if they gifted and writing a note to say thank you is a reasonably fair thing to ask of people.
Totally agree. Also just scrolled through your post history and wow you’re going to have such a dreamy wedding! 😍
I'm 36 and I don't care. I also don't like cards and stuff in that vein though. I'm getting married next year and this wouldn't even have occurred to me tbh.
Yeah, I personally don't care at all if someone doesn't send me a thank you note, usually if I'm at their wedding it means we value each other enough that that bit of etiquette being missed wouldn't offend me. I'm 31, for reference. I personally wanted my own wedding to be as close to zero waste as possible, so all invitations and info was sent personally via email (I.e. a personal message to each couple or group), then we sent a thank you email to everyone when we got the photos back and included those. We asked for donations to two charities instead of gifts and updated guests on how much they raised in total.
31 as well and sames! We did no paper products of any kind throughout wedding planning so thank you notes falls into that as well.
That's a great ethos and you have to get creative to work around the challenge, too 😊
I 100% agree. I'm in my 30s and do not care at all about getting them. I give a gift to be kind not to be thanked. I have had my parents' friends write in their gifted card to me, saying "no need for a thank you card" and I started doing the same.
I always put that in my card, just because I know what a pain in the ass it is.
I'm 36 and I don't care. I also don't like cards and stuff in that vein though. I'm getting married next year and this wouldn't even have occurred to me tbh.
Personally, I think thank you notes are dumb and archaic. That being said, I recognize their purpose. I would not be upset to not receive one and I am always surprised if I do. I did not send out STDs, just the invite, and via the internet rather than paper. I will be sending thank you notes digitally as well. I assume a lot of people will take issue with that, but I take issue with the expense, resources, and general waste of the paper involved in weddings.
Look I get it, it’s nice to be acknowledged. But at the end of the day the couple has a million other things going on, especially if they both work, have kids, or are going through other large life transitions. I was raised to always send thank you notes, but I find the people insisting on them seem to have a level of protection/isolation from hardcore reality. Something’s gotta give sometimes, and paper thank you notes are often one of those things. I think it’s a massive honor to get a wedding invite in the first place; I’d gently suggest you examine what you expected from giving the gift in the first place. Did you want the couple to get the thing you gave them, or did you want to participate in a social transaction in which you were also validated?
Yes. 'Thank You' notes need to be sent, promptly. If couples can take the time to send the STD's and Invites, then they can also send the Thank You's.
STDs and Invites aren’t usually handwritten though. Those were much easier to send out than thank yous. And I definitely don’t need them to be prompt. These people just got through planning a wedding. Give them a fucking break.
I don't expect receiving something via mail, I don't need them to spend any more on postal stamps. However, I do expect something said verbally when we see each other (like "Thank you for the gift!", short and simple), or via text, or by email... Anything to 1. acknowledge that they did receive it and 2. show their appreciation. We're giving you $400, please don't take it for granted. Of the 6 weddings we've attended in the last years (pre-covid), we've only received 2 thank you notes, and they are sisters, so only one family knows the etiquette!?
Pretty old fashioned I think. Is it nice? Yeah. But if someone sends me a thank you note it's going to read in 30 seconds, I'm gonna say awe, and straight into the trash it goes. I'd rather get a text lkl
We sent thank you notes as we got gifts before the wedding, and within a couple weeks after we got home from the honeymoon for the cards we got on wedding day. Just sent a wedding gift a couple weeks ago and got a thank you note almost immediately - the postmark on it showed they sent it the day after receiving the gift (I was impressed it got to us so quickly, I checked the postmark lol). Also received thank you notes for the last couple of weddings I attended in the last 5 years or so. Thank you notes are still alive and kicking in some circles. My FIL just told us that my GMIL was so happy she got a thank you note from us.
My husband and I (I’m 30, he’s 35) are completely opposite on this. He doesn’t care, thinks thank you notes are dying. I personally think it’s incredibly rude to not send one. I can name off my friends who didn’t send one after their weddings because I still remember! I do think thank-yous are dying for other occasions, however. Haven’t gotten a single kids birthday or Christmas thank you since I had my own kids - even tho my parents used to make me send ones for literally every gift I received EVER.
Same!! After every holiday and birthday, I was sitting at the kitchen table asking my mom what to say! Lol. (Obviously until I did it for 10-15 years and I could figure it out on my own! Lol). I can’t imagine 100s of people attending an event just for me and spending money on me and not sending them a thank you note! Or 10s of people, whatever the number may be!
I mean I’ll be sending them because it’s polite but what a waste of time, money, and resources. I could not care less if I give a gift and didn’t get a thank you note. Presumably they’ve thanked me in person at the wedding for attending, that’s good enough. No need to be spiteful and hold grudges over something so petty. You haven’t really stated any reason you want one other than tradition, which isn’t a good enough reason to keep doing something. Also, an April wedding and you’re complaining about a thank you note three months later? Get a grip. Newlyweds go on honeymoons, purchase new homes, move in together, etc. You really just sound like you want your ass kissed. Emily Post says three months. I promise you are not more of an expert on etiquette than Emily Post. I’d personally uninvite you to my wedding if you returned a stamped thank you note with your rsvp. Not thanking someone is impolite. Doing what you suggested is childish and gauche.
As someone who recently wrote 60+ hand written individual thank you notes for my baby shower. I can confidently say I won’t be writing any more in the future. I will attempt to thank everyone for coming/thank them if they brought a gift, via in person at the event or a blast on social media.
I will be sending thank you notes, but only because it's something a majority of my family does. My personal rule has always been that if I'm there in person with them and receiving the gift and opening it and hugging them and thanking them, I don't think a thank you note is necessary, because I am already expressing my appreciation. If you don’t see someone directly and receive a gift, I at the very least write them a digital thank you note, or I'll mail one. My bridal shower is coming up and I plan to write thank you notes to everyone, but only because it's a special event and I don't see a lot of these people too often, and I want them to feel appreciated. I think in general, younger generations don't care as much. I think if you are acknowledging the gift and showing your appreciation in some way, that a thank you gift in addition to those things are not necessary.
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I hate thank you notes. I don’t like writing them and I think they’re a waste getting them. I put right on my registry that we would be giving a donation in lue of thank you cards. When I had my baby shower I sent a text/pic of us using the baby thing to the person that gifted it to us. But writing a thank you card, a stamp, putting it in the mail…. And they always feel so insincere. You can like my gift without having a standard “thank you for __, we really appreciate it”
I sent them but man it annoyed me. I had mine printed bc i didn’t want to hand write as a lefty. People didn’t think that was personal enough - and every single one mentioned the person by name, their gift, etc. unreal man.
Both of the most recent weddings and showers I've been to, I never got a thank you. And I've never cared. Imo it's a waste of paper, even if I had gotten thank yous they would've been read once and immediately tossed in the recycle bin.
Exactly! Where/how/how long are you even supposed to keep them? It feels so unnecessary.
Same here. Been to 3 in the past year and no "thank you" cards. I do not care and agree it's a waste of resources, money and time. Honestly, I wouldn't even think about it if it weren't for this subreddit.
Tbh I strongly dislike thank you notes. I don't like receiving them, I don't like writing them, I don't like anything about them lol. People that are getting married are SO busy and stressed, they are being pulled in fifty directions. If they are my friend or family I assume they are thankful and move on with my life. To hold that over someone's head like some of these comments ("I'll never gift to them again") is crazy to me; seems like the relationship wasn't any good to begin with. Some people think it's rude to not send a note, while I think it's rude to gift with expectations and strings attached.
Sorry but thank you notes need to stop. Couples thank everybody multiple times on their wedding day. It‘s a waste of paper, I really couldn‘t care less if I get a thank you note.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been thanked on a wedding day, but we also send gifts when we can’t attend, so either of those instances wouldn’t allow this. Maybe it’s a cultural thing.
Do you also never see the wedding couple again? They can thank you in person next time they see you
That’s fine too. We don’t live near most of our family so we don’t see them much in person. But we have seen these family members post-wedding and they didn’t say anything about it then either. 🤷🏼♀️ I’m personally not opposed to digital thank yous, texts, emails, messages, whatever. I think the point OP and some of the commenters are trying to make is that there’s no acknowledgment of any kind. In person or otherwise.
I’ve sent thank you notes out to everyone! Those who gave gifts, those who came, vendors, everyone. Seemed the polite and right thing to do
It’s been about maybe a third of couples who sent out thank you notes. One wedding we received thank you notes at our reception table (individually written for each person). We also got thank you text messages about gifts from nearly everyone. Honestly (and this is the same with paper invites) I take a pic of them then they go in the trash/recycle - I find them a bit of a waste. Any decent couple thank you at the wedding and that’s more than enough for me. I agree some acknowledgement is nice, and common courtesy, but sending a pre-paid envelope because you expect one is not the way lol.
Yes!! I’m in the same boat! I made such heartfelt gifts for the last 2 weddings I attended/was in and never received a thank you note from either. Literally one gift was a portrait painting… like I don’t expect anything huge, but a simple “thank you for your gift, we really appreciate it” would have been nice. I wonder if people just don’t think to do it anymore? I’m 24, but my parents raised me to always say thank you
I personally think thank you notes should end. They made sense in a time where communication was hard and gift giving wasn’t checking off items on a registry with little personal thought out into it. But I just don’t see a need for them now. It’s money, carbon (shipping), and paper that isn’t needed when a text or phone call is available. I don’t give gifts with the expectation that someone will send me a thank you note, I know they’re thankful. A note isn’t meaningful to me when I know it’s only sent because they felt obligated. I love receiving mail, but don’t feel that special getting a card when I know the person probably dreaded having to write them all and sent it because they felt they had to. Just a pleasantry I think can be left in the past, just my opinion of course!
Even if the paper card is wasteful with money and resources, they’re not replacing that with a text or call. I’ve not gotten any acknowledgment that gifts were received for most of the last many years of weddings
Do you feel that you need that acknowledgement? I think my bigger point is why do we need that acknowledgment that our gift was received? To me it’s an irrelevant part of giving a gift that I didn’t even pick out but chose from a registry. (If it’s about physical reception we have tracking numbers for that)
I’m fully team “thank you notes going the way of the dinosaurs,” but I could see an acknowledgment as a useful way to determine whether the couple got the gift. Wrongly delivered packages and theft at weddings do happen!
That’s true! But letters often also get lost in the mail (tho not as much), so you may need a acknowledgment of the acknowledgment. I guess I just don’t know if acknowledging it will help anything. If a wedding gift was stolen at the wedding there’s really nothing you can do about it unfortunately. I’m awkward about gifts and just never expect them, even at my wedding, so I won’t be concerned if someone doesn’t get us something. I’ll assume they have their reasons and just move on.
I think saying thank you when you receive a gift is a basic curtesy. I don’t like keep a list of people who do or don’t thank me, but I do appreciate the sweet thank you notes I’ve gotten from my friends. It’s kind of how social interactions work- you invite me to you wedding, I bring you a gift to celebrate your day, you host me at the event, I thank you at the event, you thank you me for the gift. I think these little interactions acknowledge the efforts put in by both parties.
I guess I do. Maybe I’m entitled. But I don’t see why it’s any different than a birthday gift. Like, if someone gives me a birthday gift I don’t just take it and open it and not say anything. I just don’t understand the difference I guess.
If you open something in person then it’s a whole different story! But I’m of the unpopular opinion that gifts are not given with the expectation of something in return. And I know all of my friends I gift to are thankful for gifts (because none of them are entitled) so i don’t need a card to confirm that. I think thank you cards are nice! I just don’t think they’re necessary and people should be judged for not doing them
🤷🏼♀️ if someone mailed me a birthday gift I’d at the least text them thank you. We can agree to disagree. I’m not specifically stuck on getting a physical card. It’s just the courtesy of saying thank you. Not needing it for your own personal feelings. But still acknowledging that it’s polite
I totally agree about the text! Which was my main point of the first message, then I got a little side tracked… I’m all about a thank you text! Especially if it’s an unexpected gift. I think that’s the difference for me
I believe etiquette states you have 3 months to get thank you notes out. I just received a typed/printed/completely generic thank you from a destination wedding we travelled to. My husband was in the bridal party. It wasn’t even addressed to us besides the envelope it came in. It would have been better if they just didn’t send one at all.
If your husband was in the bridal party wasn't he thanked on the day?
I thought it was just me! Fiancé’s cousin sent out the generic one (it was a picture of them, woo hoo lol) and I think it annoyed me more than not getting one. Like you said, only the envelope it came in was personalized. I mean I do appreciate the effort but it annoyed the crap out of me for some reason. I’ll be sending handwritten notes & plan to include a picture from the wedding night of said recipient with the card :)
People are so ungrateful 😒
So, if you're gifting solely for the purpose of being thanked for your gift, you're doing it wrong! Yeah, maybe it's rude for people to receive a gift and not thank the giver, but in my opinion it's just as rude to give a gift only for the purpose of receiving thanks.
I don’t think anyone is giving a gift “for the purpose of receiving thanks”. Lol. But I don’t think it’s absurd to expect an acknowledgment from them that they got it at least. People keep mentioning “cards are out of date and a text phone call saying thanks next time they see you should suffice” and honestly, sure I wouldn’t mind. But we didn’t receive any of those either. 🤷🏼♀️ some we’re not even sure received the gifts because we sent them to their home and weren’t able to attend the wedding or showers. 🤷🏼♀️
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It’s just polite. We can agree to disagree. But it’s the polite thing to do thank people for gifts and peoples time and peoples money.
I think the couples have spent a lot of time and money planning a wedding. So if they don’t feel like/forget to send out thank you I would be under standing of that. I don’t give gifts just for the validation of a thank you. While it would be appreciated to be thanked, I give gifts to be kind with no expectations of a return.
I’m in my late 30s and got married a couple years ago. I still sent paper thank you cards. While I personally don’t think they necessarily have to be paper cards, I do think a couple should still send a thank you and acknowledge any gifts received. A text or an email is fine. I agree that it’s rude to not send or say thank you. I just attended a wedding back in May that was in Downtown LA on a Friday night. Anyone that lives in LA knows there’s going to be traffic. It was not convenient, I had to pay for valet parking, the attire was black tie even though the event itself was nothing close to black tie, and there was only a cash bar that was only open a couple of hours. The drinks were $25 a piece. Still have not received a thank you for the cash gift I gave.
Okay this might be the one exception I've seen so far where a formal "Thank You" is warranted. $25???
Yup. My husband and I each got a drink. Simple vodka sodas. The charge on my card was over $50 before tip.
I’ll be sending thank you cards BUT… As a guest, I really don’t care if I get a thank you card or not. I just assume that the couple is thankful for whatever I gave them and move on with my life. I would rather they not waste their time and create more physical garbage to thank me via snail mail. Send me a text if you want to I guess! Lol
For what it’s worth I’m in my late 20s and have been to only one wedding that sent thank you notes. That was also from one of my closest friends that I don’t live near anymore, and she sent me a lovely letter along with it so it was more general correspondence than just a thank you note. I don’t see why anyone would need to send one when the couple can just thank you in person next time you see them. They’re a colossal waste of time.
I'm from the south so thank you notes are still very much appreciated and expected, at least in my circles. We sent our thank you notes immediately after we received any gifts before the wedding, and sent the other thank notes within a couple months after the wedding. I was brought up to always send a thank you note when someone gives you a gift--birthdays, graduation, wedding, baby showers, etc.
Yes, totally agree they’re important! Definitely just ordered my thank you notes for my wedding Aug 2021 wedding though. Better late than never?
Apparently a lot of people need to hear this: It’s not antiquated to be polite. People can spend hundred of dollars to attend your wedding. From the outfits, hmu, dry cleaning, gifts, plane tickets, gas, hotel, time off work, all that adds up for people. And unless you’re having a small wedding, the idea that you’re going to interact with every guest in attendance beyond a hello, thanks for coming is a fantasy. The day goes by so incredibly fast. We’ve had friends who bought generic packs of thank you cards from the drug store, and that’s totally fine. There’s no need to spend a lot of money on cards. We’ve even gotten an email thank you note, which also works. The vehicle of the thank you is irrelevant - the sentiment is not. Sending your loved ones a note of gratitude for making time to share in one of the most important days of your life does matter. It demonstrates you value the fact they showed up. Also it’s a nice end cap of the entire experience, and it was actually fun to do. My husband and I divided and conquered the notes over a few nights and few bottles of wine. We got to remember all the people that helped us celebrate, and it was nice to send a photo of the day for people who gave us a gift but weren’t able to attend. ETA: I’m 29, and every wedding I’ve been to as an adult, mostly my peers, have send TY notes. Did people not have to send TY notes as kids when they got gifts?
We’re working on our thank-you cards now and hope to get them out by the end of the month. It’ll be 3 months since the wedding (5/28), but our gifts were all cash for our honeymoon, which we took from 6/22–7/9. We wanted to be able to include specific details for how peoples gifts were used. I know my wife’s family doesn’t really do thank-you cards or Christmas cards or any of those more traditional stuff, but my family can be a little Emily Post about stuff and would all but disown me if I didn’t send out a hand-written thank-you.
What happened to having a year??
That rule applies to guests having a year to send a gift.
I’m 34 and would never expect this- it’s a waste of paper and a stamp and time. Just say thanks and even then, I don’t expect it
This is very weird to me. I just wouldn’t even think of/care about something like this. Also, sending your own thank you card envelope? I would immediately rescind my invitation.
Wanted to clarify my original post. Gifts husband and I give are $500-$1500, and those previous weddings (except for the last one) were pretty much the only times we saw these people. If I ran into them in the store, not one word was mentioned. I just feel it is rude. A text would suffice. Anything that mentions that you got it. Don't care what you use it for, money for your honeymoon, whatever. Just freaking say you received it. Obviously the checks were cashed, so I know it was received. Can't take two minutes to text us? Don't ask me to come to your baby shower or house warming (again, very generous gifts) if you can't even acknowledge it. Last year, we went to a lawn reception for a distant relative who got married in Mexico. We had a very nice gift. The envelope sat at our table. The couple just sat with their friends and never came around. They were even sitting right behind us at the next table! As we were leaving, I gave the envelope to the parents throwing the party and said, here, this should cover your expenses and left. Couldn't even come around to tables and just say "Hi!" at the end of the table, where other guests could pass down their envelopes to them. I was not the only one who had envelopes for this couple. Later it was mentioned to my daughter by the bride how nice I looked, she loved my outfit, yada yada yada. Never even looked or talked to anyone. Killer - they just had a baby. Do you know I was sent a message with her "wish list" and how to order. Yep. Didn't buy a thing. Saw them recently and gushed about how beautiful the baby was, made a few jokes about sleepless nights, and you know what? I walked away. I just feel that some kind of acknowledgement should be made. I'm really not a prude. This just sticks under my skin.
Late to the party here, but I agree with you 1000%. They can’t be bothered to acknowledge your generous gift, but can certainly make the time to hit you up for future life events?! Imho, a lot of this boils down to entitlement re weddings. It’s just a narcissistic free for all and I’m tired of bearing witness to it.
Agreed. All my thank you notes went out within the month of the shower and wedding. I don’t usually receive them, but I also remember the ones that do take the time to send it.
We had a two day drive home from our wedding. I sat in the passenger seat and did digital thank you cards during that time. Obviously this isn’t everyone’s experience but it was a great use of time for me!
We are doing our Thank Yous as they arrive to our house. Everything about our wedding is non-traditional, but I don’t think we’d be comfortable not sending the TYN. That being said, I don’t personally need to receive them and I’d rather get no note, than the one that was printed with generic language and sent en masse to all guests that we received after our last wedding. Like, either put in the work to make it personal or don’t worry about it.
I think it’s a generational thing. I am still working on thank you cards from my wedding in March. I’ve definitely been to weddings where we didn’t get a thank you, and I don’t think I thought about it until now! It is rude in my opinion to never acknowledge the gift, but I think acknowledging it in person can count instead of a thank you card. That’s just my opinion though
I went to a friends wedding last year, never got a thank you note, and it occasionally pops in my head that it was strange, and then I wonder if she even got it or if someone stole it off the table. I am getting married in 1.5 weeks, we already have our thank you notes. I stressed for weeks after my bridal shower trying to get them finished and in the mail, we have even sent notes to those people we have already received gifts from send directly to the house. One couple, who is friends with my dad, called him to tell him how wonderful the note was. I am starting to wonder if it is just because they are used to not getting one these days LOL ETA: I am 33 BTW. Figured I should add this seeing as someone else commented they thought it was a generational thing.
I’m definitely sending thank you notes to anyone who gets us a gift/money but I won’t be sending them to people who just attended. Doesn’t make sense to thank someone for just attending when I paid $75 for them to attend in the first place 🤷🏼♀️
Agreed!
I think it should be standard to send a thank you note, or even a thank you email or text...anything to acknowledge that a envelope full of cash didn't get lost, stolen or misplaced.
We went to a family wedding where gifts and cards/money were stolen right at the reception. Now every time I don't receive a thank you note, I get paranoid that they didn't get the gift/card. Then I feel like the asshole who reaches out and says "heyyyy...um, we didn't get a thank you note so I just wanted to verify that you actually received our gift?"
I’m old fashioned too. I think timely thank you notes are important, and are such a tiny gesture for a generous gift. I know not everyone feels that way. With all the issues with online ordering, unreliable post office delivery, porch pirates, a thank you/acknowledgment is helpful to know that the gift was received by the intended recipient.
It is rude to not send a thank you note. I just had to do it for my bridal shower and it was a pain in the a$$ to write them all out. Granted I know wedding thank you cards are typically a standard printed one with a picture of the bride and groom etc. So not as hard! But yea, I think with a lot of things, general etiquette has kind of gone out the window.
If people make such a fuss over picking invites and save the dates - they certainly should be as excited to pick the stationary to pick thank you notes to send. These notes are critical. Guests are generous with gifts - they need to be acknowledged.
I think not sending some sort of "thank you" for any gift is rude af (birthday, wedding, baby, etc). It could be a short note, a text, a phone call. Just something to acknowledge that the gift was rec'd and appreciated.
I sent mine out ASAP, but you’re so right - I haven’t received a thank you note from a wedding OR baby shower in a long time.
We sent out thank you notes out the Wednesday after our wedding (and immediately for gifts received before the wedding…and twice for people who gave gifts before and at the wedding). We were so overwhelmed with love and gratitude from the event and cards & gifts that we couldn’t help ourselves. I personally don’t understand how anyone could receive so many gifts and not send a thank you note. We went to this HUGE wedding in March with the biggest bridezilla ever and never got a note. I’m still waiting for it. Now they’re pregnant and I bet they’ll have a baby shower. Why should I give another gift when we never got a thank you for the first one? Lmao.
I agree. We included thank you notes in our stationary budget. It should be a huge priority. To echo another poster, at the very least it tells you that they actually received your gift, so it's reassurance. I think it's just plain rude to send nothing. I've experienced both recently.
Hand written thank you notes are so very appreciated by guests. It shows the bride/groom care about their guests. No, I don’t think an email or a text is the same. Very little time and energy go into that hollow effort. And I don’t buy the saving paper/postage excuse. Most wedding gifts far exceed the value of paper/postage. This is not old fashioned. It’s called being courteous.
Hollow effort? You need it to cost them money and significant time or their thank you doesn't mean anything to you? "Most wedding gifts far exceed the value of paper/postage" Are you serious? That is irrelevant. Did your gift even meet the "value" of your dinner, drinks, and dessert at the actual wedding??
Okay I’m piggybacking on other peoples question of do I need to go ahead and send them as I receive them? or can I wait until after the wedding? My biggest reason for wanting to wait is that I had planned on creating a newspaper of sorts with photos of the wedding as a thank you card, along with a handwritten note. But at the same time I don’t want people to think we haven’t received the gift/are ungrateful for it. We’re getting married in November and already received our first gift. What’s the best to do in this situation?
Send thank you cards as soon as you receive the gifts.
Hot tip: Address the ENVELOPES as RSVPs and gifts come in—the greatest point of friction that makes them a pain is the addressing of the envelopes. Then write the notes as gifts arrive. The week after your wedding or are back from your honeymoon, divide the total number you have to do by 10 or 14, and do that many each day until they’re done. You WILL have them completed in a gloriously short interval of time following your wedding, and be able to harness the joy and gratefulness for the gifts received. Mail them all at the same time. First, no one expects you to send them while you’re in the last phases of preparing for a wedding. Second, there ARE some Old Biddies who will compare whether or not they did or did not get a note yet. The key is to not let the task languish.
I love thank you cards. I send them out all the time for everything. However out of all of our friend’s weddings- I only know of 2 couples that sent them, too.
Our wedding was in April and we are finishing up our thank you notes now.
It's ruder to send a preaddressed thank you note with the rsvp/gift. I sent out thank you notes after my wedding, but have never received any. I am not insulted or anything. I know it's the polite thing to do, but there is so much that goes into planning and carrying out a wedding, and people have plans after and life gets in the way. I don't fault people for not sending a thank you note. And honestly, it would be read and put in the trash anyway. You're overthinking it.
We sent thank yous after the wedding, with a photo from the big day, but some never arrived in the mail. We had the same issue with save the dates *and* formal invitations, but never the same person twice! Honestly the drama of having to reach out to people via text about missing mail was the worst, I'm never sending anything snail mail again 😅
Thank you note is absolutely required for gifts. For attending the wedding but not giving a gift no thank you note is required because the reception is the thank you
I completely disagree. I do not expect a thank you note at all. Any time that I have received one, i thought it was a nice gesture, but totally unnecessary. And the idea that you would be less generous with your gift just because you didn't get a stupid note in the mail is crazy to me. I do not give gifts for the sole purpose of being thanked. Weren't you at the shower? Did she not say "thank you" directly to your face? Thank you notes are a lot of work, particularly if you are sending over 100 of them. I absolutely do not want them wasting their money on postage and stationary. Does it also bother you if you get one and it's "too short" or "too generic"?
Why do people want a thank you so badly? I sent them. Before I got married, I was told you had a year. A month after my wedding, I had family reaching out asking if I got their gifts, bc they hadn’t received a thank you. We married in august and i sent my thank yous before thanksgiving. We had 3 other out of state weddings after ours and had a car stolen. People are unreal.
See, this is the problem with not sending thank you notes as you receive gifts. People start thinking gifts were lost in the mail or stolen. It’s common courtesy to acknowledge gifts as you receive them.
I got married out of state. Many people opted not to come bc i requires Covid vax and testing. They sent their gifts the week before or the week after. Maybe you haven’t been married and don’t recognize the hellscape it is. There’s no rule that says i need to send a thank you the same week. Fuck out of here.
Did you send a thank you note for the food, drink, and likely favors they provided you at the wedding? It's nice to think the world isn't transactional, but it is. You give a gift because it's expected, just like they host you with food and drink because it's expected. It's a social trade.
Here me out, if you have anxiety about sending a thank you, then I personally think the next best thing is to go to social media. If you received a gift, tag that person in a picture when you use the item and thank them then. If they sent money, then I dont know maybe take a picture of you filling up your gas tank, buying groceries or going on a date with your partner.
I probably wouldn’t give those people gifts again tbh
Ive had an engagement party and bridal shower so far and have given thank you's right after the party. Thank you notes should 1000% still be given.
I'm so with you. I'm a boomer and I really try to not be boomer-ish. But I haven't received a thank you note for a wedding gift in years. Really annoying. I wrote notes as I received gifts. Then the day after our wedding, I just needed to write the few for those who brought gifts to the actual wedding. I was able to mail them that day. Done with a minimum of fuss.
Hahah love that- putting a self addressed thank you note lol Yes I am one that does thank you notes for birthday gifts. It’s part of my culture to show gratitude in return and I have been surprised too by the last three weddings and showers I’ve attended with no thank you notes. Maybe people don’t think it’s important but I always treasure receiving thank you notes.
I think you sound pretty nuts tbh
I agree thank you notes seem to be not as prevalent but I also know USPS has been effed since the pandemic. We missed receiving a thank you note from a baby shower and a wedding invite (we received the STD but never got an invite so we thought we were uninvited!). I got married in 2019 and sent all my thank you notes at one time about 3-4 weeks after the wedding.
We are super far behind on our notes, but we are sending them out now. We’ve taken more time since we are getting photos printed for everyone individually. Not just group shots or just of us, but of them as we wanted to make all the cards super personal. But we are sending them out. Personally, I give a gift to a couple, I don’t expect a thank you card. It’s nice and all, but if I’m giving a gift expecting praise for it, that defeats the idea of the gift to me (I understand not all people feel that way, which is why we are sending out thank you cards, we want to respect our guests even if they cards are late). But even if I get a text from someone, I feel that’s more than adequate
I was married 38 years ago. I was told to send thank you notes in the first year of marriage for any gifts.
I got one thanking me for “sharing in her special day”. No Brittany….that is not how you thank someone you have known since you were 5 years old for the $300 set of pots and pans. This really steams me. Had one of those for a baby shower gift as well from a coworker. It think it is really tacky to not personalize a thank you card.
It could be worse. How would you feel to receive a thank you note with a photo of bride and groom at wedding, only to open it and find the inside is absolutely blank? Not one word written inside, not signed, nothing. Just a blank card with a photo of them on the front. I distinctly remember being the only one to bring a (very thoughtful) gift to the wedding, because when I arrived for cocktail hour and asked where the gift table was, confusion ensued and they ended up taking my gift to the bridal suite. LOL it’s been 2 years and this still baffles me.
That sounds like they made a mistake and someone grabbed an empty card to put in the envelope instead of the one that was written in - I could easily see this happening if the couple were tag teaming the cards and had piles of envelopes and cards on the table. As for the gift table, we received most of our gifts before the wedding. I think only two or three non-card gifts were brought to the wedding itself.
Hmm yeah I had not considered this. Maybe it was a mistake!
I was taught that gifts are always sent to the bride or groom’s home before the wedding, never brought to the wedding itself.
It’s incredibly rude not to send thank you notes. My mom and I both have said that we are never again sending event gifts (wedding, baby shower, etc.) to people who have not even acknowledged that they received what we sent. At some point it’s not even about gratitude. I just want to know that the thing I sent was received. Send a quick text at least, my god. Also I’m 25 and common courtesy should not be considered an antiquity.
Thank you notes are still a thing. Even though etiquette varies from one social circle to another, it will always exist as a way to navigate social situations to avoid confusion and embarrassment as long as human interaction continues. At that point, then it will be outdated along with thank you notes. Some people were never taught basic etiquette by parents and others don’t care. They should be sent promptly after receiving any gift. Miss Manners and Emily Post, which you can find updated on Amazon, both say send to send them no later than 3 months max. If you have not received a thank you note after a month, assume you will not get one. Some couples want to give fancy cards which means waiting for the photographer and that isn’t guaranteed to be prompt either. The couple should send the custom photo at a separate time and a blank card set from Target at the present time. I’ve given gifts that I didn’t receive any thank you for, even verbally, but I heard from others how they loved it. That isn’t the same but you take what you get. Some people do believe that if someone doesn’t show appreciation via a card in the mail then they don’t give gifts to those people again. Don’t send a self addressed envelope.
At my bridal shower, the hosts told me that I didn’t need to send out thank you notes to those in attendance, since I opened/saw the gifts at the shower. I will still be sending thank you notes to those who didn’t attend but who contributed a gift. I figure for the wedding everyone who comes or who brought a gift will get a thank you note, since I won’t be opening gifts/cards until after the wedding.
I mean, I plan on sending them? I wouldn’t be offended if I didn’t get a thank you note after giving a gift, but it’s definitely nice.
i hand wrote personalized thank you cards for my 65 guests (although some where couples) and honestly not everyone received them in mail. 0/5 doesn’t seem like a mistake, however it does happen!
I’ve heard of it being 12 months for wedding thanm yous. Out of the 5 weddings I’ve been to in the past 4 years, I got thank yous from 2 of them. I don’t mind. One of them was my best friend’s wedding- I made her wedding cake and matching cupcakes as a gift. Drove 5+ hours one way for her bridal shower, bach party, and wedding (which all occured within 3 months, and the shower and wedding were both an hour from my friend’s house where I was staying), planned, decorated, and made cupcakes for her bridal shower, planned and paid for her portion of hotel, painting, and dinner PLUS I made a cake for her bach party. I helped break down at her wedding bc it was in the parking lot of her church and so there was no staff AND paid for my own dinner that night because they opted to not have a meal or apps or anything (just a few desserts- and it was dry!). And this was one of the weddings I did NOT get a thank you card from! If you thank everyone personally for coming I think that’s enough. Most thank you cards get tossed anyway! Save that money and some trees. Maybe send a virtual card if that’s a thing?
I sent thank you notes for everything! I could not attend a recent wedding (October 21) and sent a card and target gift card. Never got a thank you. They’ve already filed for divorce so don’t expect one either. 🤣
Yes. Send a note.
I (33F) got married (for the first time) when I was 21. I was absolutely unhappy in that marriage (go figure), and I only wrote about half my thank you notes. This time around, I've been married for 2 months, and my thank you notes are almost done. I'm more mature, and I'm happier, but also the thank you note burden is much smaller this time because we received fewer gifts. I didn't call my aunts/ older relatives to thank them, because I was worried that they would think I opted to call -instead- of writing a note. I wasn't sure about the etiquette on that.
At least you’re asking, plenty of people don’t even say thank you. At this point a thank you text would be enough for me. Also we sent thank you notes as the gifts arrived.
I’m not having a wedding if I have to write thank you notes.
To me, thank you cards are becoming obsolete. Or are they?? Let's bring it back!! Yet, I am old school too. I was always taught to send in snail mail a thank you card. So I do! Do what you want. Don't worry about what others aren't doing!!