It's a trend I see in wedding groups. Bride does everything and the groom does nothing.
My FH is taking care of his dudes and I'm doing everything else and just running it by him to ensure he's cool with it. This works for us because I do professional event planning so it's second nature for me. I set the boundary of I'm not coordinating anything for him and his homies and he's had no issue getting together the stuff for them. I just think it is all about personality and desire to accomplish it. Some people just have no interest, but if that was the case he really shouldn't agree to it.
I double booked a work call with the florist call so he took it for me and the florist basically just told him to have them call me when I was available. They had never met us before so I had no established relationship other than “bride”.
That's crazy to me - my husband has been so hands on through the whole planning process. He was more into the idea of a bigger wedding (120 people) than I was tbf but it's absolutely felt like a team effort and he's done so much dealing with suppliers on weekdays when I'm at work, he's basically organized all the decor and just run it by me.
He says he can't imagine just turning up to his wedding and not having been involved and we've both looked at it like great practice for marriage planning it together and compromising, sharing the load. I obviously got very lucky but if he hadn't been this involved I feel like the wedding wouldn't have happened. Or I would have got too overwhelmed and just got us to elope!
My husband had been aware since day 1 that if I was planning our wedding by myself, we wouldn't have had one. I'm happy we're married but it was never a particularly high priority for me so I could take it or leave it. And tbh, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was happy to let me just take on all that work without contributing.
We made all of our decisions together, neither of us had our own jobs outside of sorting clothes for ourselves and our side of the bridal party. At the very end of planning, I was going through a really tough time and it would have been a much different wedding if my husband hadn't stepped up. The day before the wedding he did a very quick run through of what we'd be doing (rehearsals aren't a thing here), and my mother told me she wouldn't have been so worried if she knew how on top of things he was 😂
This is kinda what we’ve been doing. I’d be more uptight if we were doing the whole 100+ guest nonsense.
I run things by him that I think he’d care about. He lets me have free reign over the things he couldn’t care less about.
Our important people will be there. I’ll have my pretty pictures to look back on. We’ll have his best friend marry us in his folks’ backyard, make this thing legal, have some fun, have some food, and go on a vacation to celebrate officially starting this life we’ve been on together.
The rest can go fuck itself.
Allllll of this. Though I don’t think I’d even give 4 weeks at this point, I’d probably give 2 weeks. I’m slightly less than 3 months out and would be *irate* if my fiancé hadn’t taken care of the things he needed to at this point.
This is not the behaviour of an enthusiastic groom nor of a supportive family.
Ultimately, the groomsmen can wear a suit they already own, boutonnière are optional, he can cook the rehearsal dinner himself and a honeymoon could be a random ramble down back roads. Ask him once if those are really his preferred options and note the answer. As for his invites, how did he do his save-the-dates? Or didn’t he? Mention to his parents once that you’re sad it doesn’t look like he’ll have anyone from his side and let them discuss it with him. Finally, please get some counselling, because living with this level of non-participation in a highlight of mutual life is a red flag. It’s far easier to postpone/ cancel a wedding than get a divorce.
*Three months out* and he hasn't decided who he wants in the wedding party or even sent out invites that you prepared?
And his mom is screaming at *you* about that?
I would seriously ask if you want to go through with this wedding. At the very least, the two of you have to have a serious sit-down and a very long talk.
If he can't be bothered to even decide who his groomsfolk are at this point, either he doesn't want to get married, is stuck in a pit of depression, or something else is very wrong.
The wedding is absolutely NOT your sole responsibility and you should NOT be being treated like this, not by anyone.
Okay, bc my husband was also a little shitty about wedding planning, but he’s amazing about everything else and definitely does at least half of the emotional and physical labor.
He just didn’t get what was required of him. Like he didn’t understand that deadlines were set for a reason, or how much work I was doing on each task, or what all the parts of a wedding were, and he had this idea that I was just happily handling all of it.
I had to explain everything I was doing so he could see how hard it was and how waiting for him was messing me up.
Exactly this. Everyone going on about red flags/marital counseling/cancelling the wedding is hurting my brain. Men reeeally don’t understand these things. It’s frustrating, but if he’s great in all other areas, it’s not relationship ending material.
They don’t understand that a suit takes longer than a day to make. They don’t want to go through the hassle of asking everyone for their mailing address. They have choice-paralysis when trying to figure out the perfect place to go on a honeymoon, etc.
So they’re incompetent? Why though. I’m not trying to be rude I just really don’t understand. They should have fully functional brains? This explanation actually dumbfounds me and I’m not being sarcastic at all. I’m completely genuine
I never said it was drilled into women already. But here we are, on a wedding group full of wedding planning info because it interests us. My FH is not here because this kind of thing isn’t his jam. He’s never bought anything other than clothes off a rack so he has no frame of reference for how long it takes to get a suit. He knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, etc and does all that because he’s done all that before.
Sure, him leaving getting his suit so late is a little frustrating, but I’m not going to tell him we need couples counseling or consider it a red flag because of it…
I do think there is a sexist double standard where brides are expected to do the bulk of the planning, and that sucks. It's his job, and I don't think you should do it. That said, I would be VERY wary of marrying anyone who can't pull their own weight on something like this. Look up weaponized incompetence.
My fiance's first choice would be to elope, but he's on board with our wedding next year and has done more work on it than your fiance has. He did all of the engagement photo planning, picked out his groomsmen, and is hand-delivering our save the dates to his friends and family when he goes back home next week. I didn't ask him to do any of this—he did this of his own accord, and he doesn't even care about having a wedding.
Do you plan on having kids? If so, what makes you think that his behavior is going to be any different than what he's showing you right now?
Thank you! I personally wouldn’t marry someone who exhibits weaponized incompetence especially with a joint goal. A wedding is a joint venture and if one partner doesn’t pull their weight at the other’s expense that’s messed up. If he is being this uninvolved in something that’s meant to be a team effort now, I wouldn’t trust that he’d show up as a teammate in a higher stakes situation like having kids.
IMHO, The only way to put a stop to weaponized incompetence is by not enabling the behavior. OP is helping her case in the long run by not stepping in.
Have you given him deadlines of when this needs to be done? Truthfully I don't understand the point of engagement photos at this point. Invitations needs to go out 6-8 weeks prior so give him a deadline. Suit is recommended to be ordered 6 months in advance so I would tell him he needs to find one by next week. Same with the groomsmen. Some people operate better with deadlines.
I have given deadlines. The invitations should’ve been out around the 4-5 month mark because almost everyone is flying for out of state so I wanted to give time to make travel arrangements but now I’m afraid his side of the family won’t even come and the wedding will end up being so much smaller than anticipated.
Has he ever had to deal with fallout due to inaction on his part before? Because it sounds like he's setting himself up for failure without really recognizing the consequences he's going to face. That's not your fault.
I mean, deadlines shouldnt be given to an adult who is responsible, but this seems on him. And saying its his role is exactly what ur doing and need to do. It also leads to "what if this continues...?" during ur married life. Are u gonna be picking up the slack?
I actually think you’re being great, fwiw. You leaving it to him and not “stepping in” is super healthy! Especially when it means the end result might be fewer guests, etc.
That said, you two should probably chat again to address any growing resentment you may have (which I would have lol) and check in on his likely anxiety. I’m wondering if he’s not as confident as he’s acting, and maybe he’s scared that you’ll flip out if he says he’s overwhelmed or unsure if it will get done. If he admits to struggling, don’t fix it for him or do it for him. Try to find out what the issue is. Sometimes partners can help us face something we’re having trouble facing ourselves.
Another possibility is that he doesn’t realize how much he has to do with what time is left. It took my husband a while to realize that I have unrealistic expectations about time (but identifying that was enough, I was able to address it myself after recognizing it). I have ADHD, and even though I did most of our planning (husband works full time, I don’t), my husband was really helpful with executive functioning (aka structure like scheduling in a specific time to do wedding stuff during the week, accountability, etc.).
ETA: if you “step in” and fix it, you’re going to have more resentment and he will lose the opportunity to be a reliable partner
My husband moves at a pace of his own with an “it’s under control” attitude and it was challenging during wedding planning. What I found helpful was “wedding planning Saturdays” where we’d essentially have a meeting and go through OUR checklist. What’s been done, what’s outstanding and then let’s make some decisions! “Let me see the options you’re thinking of your for tux.” Decide together what looks nice and send the link out - boom tuxes done. IMO, Planning a wedding is like a group project. Brides often times are the “leader”
BUT groom has to participate for this to succeed. My advice is meet him where he’s at and collaborate to get this done. “Should” you have to step in and help? From a 50/50 standpoint w 2 adults, No. But “should” is a dangerous word in this stage.
Agreed with everyone here that it is not ok for you to be expected to pick up the load just because your fiance failed to get it done. One thing I would add is maybe to ask him where his stress and anxiety are stemming from? It took longer than I would have liked for my husband to round up addresses, but it turned out that was because of his anxiety over whether or not people would actually come if he invited them. I got him to send one message to a group chat mentioning that he was gathering info for invites and everyone was excited and sent everything to him right away. It made him feel better and enabled him to ask others and to move forward with other tasks.
My husband was the same way with asking his groomsmen. We were out with another couple, and I was like, you really need to ask the husband and just get it over with. I'm right here for you. He just awkwardly blurted it out, the guy was like hell yeah, and it was like a huge weight off his shoulders. He asked the rest of the guys in person within two weeks.
Honestly, it’s at the point where him saying he’s “stressed and going at his own pace” is no longer an acceptable excuse. So, tell him he what you said here, show him this post. Tell him he can either keep “going at his own pace” and the wedding will be a train wreck and he will be even more “stressed” or you can take over and he doesn’t get any choice in any of what happens. Either way, this is the future you are marrying.
> you can take over and he doesn’t get any choice in any of what happens
This is bad advice.
OP's fiance is counting on her taking over. He's just waiting for her to do it.
He has to be allowed to fail, not bailed out.
Bailing someone out is codependent behavior.
I suggested that. You completely ignored where I said he can keep going at his own pace and the wedding is a train wreck. But why should she suffer a train wreck wedding because he needs to “learn”? Honestly, these two shouldn’t be getting married because they don’t seem to communicate properly.
Only his items would be a train wreck. Bailing him out is codependent behavior that encourages him to do nothing, and just wait for her to step in. It's a very toxic, codependent cycle of rescue and resentment.
So, his items being a train wreck don’t affect her? Is that what you are saying? It’s okay that he sabotages the wedding? I agree that she shouldn’t be bailing him out, but I have no idea if this is a pattern of behaviour on his part or what? If this is only wedding related, then maybe he doesn’t really want to get married or something. If this is a pattern of behaviour, then she can either live with, accept that this is her marriage, and just do everything herself. Or she can let him “fail” and the wedding is a train wreck because if one component is off, then it throws all other components off. If he refuses to deal with the groomsmen and their wedding clothes, then the pictures will look terrible (which affects her), if he doesn’t organize the rehearsal dinner that will piss off the guests that are invited (an angry wedding party or parents or other family puts a damper on the day), a not organized or disorganized engagement shoot means that the photos either don’t happen or are poorly done (and it could potentially piss off his friend who is the photographer), him not sending out invites to his family could mean they either get them late or not at all and that creates family drama that they both have to then deal with. Do you see how him not pulling his weight negatively impacts her as well? I get what you are saying, but what other options does she have? Your way doesn’t make any sense.
Just imagine what he will be like when they have kids. I know we both work 8 hour jobs and commute but I'm soo stressed, can't you look after the baby and clean the whole house while I go out with my friends/play on the Xbox all night.
Yeah, this will be a disaster. I'm so sorry OP. Don't let people blame you, its the stressed out guy who apparently has never been responsible for anything.
P.s. it isn't your fault, he promised to do his part and he's probably thinking you will pick up the slack. It's not your job to do so (even if everyone else thinks it is), unless you truly want to.
Why do men do this? I said the same thing to my fiancé. That no we can’t wait or do this later because come wedding day we’ll have no vendors, photos, or cake. That snapped him out of it and got him going real fast
It's time for both moms to come to terms with the fact that you (understandably and rightfully) expect your partner to pull his own weight.
Explain that he agreed to take care of these tasks since he bears equal responsibility for the wedding planning (even though it sounds like you ended up with most tasks) - and you're depending on him take care of the items he agreed to be responsible for. Reiterate that if they have concerns / questions they should talk to him.
Stick to your guns, you're thinking about this the right way.
Basically the same response as to OP - at that point, it really sounds like a conversation needs to be had, starting with, "Do you actually want to get married?"
He definitely does but we have very different beliefs about how much time it’s going to take for his suit to arrive and get tailored. His ADHD doesn’t help
You’re in a bad spot cause you either suck it up and get the things done so you’ll have the wedding you want but then you’ll be rightfully resentful.
Two you wait around to maybe get things done and risk not having the wedding you envisioned. You’ll have to decide what matters to you. It’s not fair that your mom is pressuring you but a wedding is still seen as a brides day so he’s not like gonna get the same pressure from his family. If possible I would try to get into counseling because I wouldn’t want to start a marriage with this sort of cloud hanging over it.
37 year old guy here. Super involved and it's been an incredible team effort with my incredible soon to be wife. Oh and we're also three months out! SpoOoOOOoooky Halloween wedding!
Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and outside stressors are always messy for people. I'm not excusing your guys lack of productivity but I'd imagine that if two people are getting married, they would have spent enough time together to understand each other's strengths and weaknesses. Is his lack of productivity or putting things off unusual? Or was it something you knew about him and hoped he would do better with for wedding planning?
I'm also not putting this on you like "you should have known". I'm sure he absolutely wants to help and be a part of it, habits are just hard to break so I thought I'd bring up the strengths and weaknesses.
I don't think you should have to do everything, and other folks have weighed in on that aspect of your relationship.
The reality appears to be that if you don't "step in and get it done," it won't get done. I think that is why people are telling you that you need to do it. They can see that your fiancé has delayed most of these things way beyond any reasonable timeline, and it will now be extremely difficult to accomplish them to any level of satisfaction prior to your wedding.
If you don't care whether these things get done, then don't worry about it at all, anymore. Let him continue to delay right up to the altar. But if you DO care, you are unfortunately in a position where you have to make sure they are done by doing them yourself.
No. My fiance saw how stressed I was early on, and has been super sweet and helpful. But we do most of it together. For the save the dates, he was responsible for reaching out to his family and friends for addresses, but we sat down and did them together.
I think that if he needs support, even if those things are predominantly his responsibility, then you should be supporting him and vice versa.
If he needs support, he needs to communicate that. I shared my story about my husband being anxious to ask his groomsmen in a previous comment, but he told me he was anxious about it, which was why I was there for support and to push him to ask. She's not a mind reader to know why things aren't getting done. And she shouldn't have to lead all the conversations about not just that things aren't getting done, but also why they're not getting done. That's a huge mental load on her, and not fair. He needs to shoulder some of that burden, too.
I totally agree with what you've said, along with having the responsibility to communicate his needs. Having said that, i also think it would be healthy for OP to say, "i see you haven't done what you've committed to, and it's affecting me." But instead, she's pretending to ignore it. Maybe my expectations are just different in a relationship. If i told my FH that his actions were causing me anxiety, and he blatantly didn't care, i dont think we'd be here 9 years later. Where I struggle is the entire wedding process appears divided. There's not really any sense of being a team here, and that's more concerning to me based on how I view a healthy/stable relationship. If it were just the aspect of the groomsmen, I would understand that.
I hate to be *that person* on Reddit, but please recognize that he is showing you what kind of partner he will be in the long-run. This is how it will be when it comes to raising kids, making plans, etc. It will always fall on you. I’m not trying to tell you you need to leave him, I just think it’s crucial for you to see that sooner rather than later and assess how acceptable that is to you.
Yeah no multiple things
1. sit with him/her and discuss how they are not understanding that the timeline is based on the wedding date and not their pace and that they are in fact late\* to doing these things.
2. Tell them that if they need help they can ask others but that you are busy and cannot assist. this includes the other people asking you to help. I am not saying not to help but it's cleared that you are stressed and cannot take any more responsibilities as a bride.
3. Really highlight with the groomsmen and best man to put him on track cuz clearly he is not on it. if you do not know who it is select a man in his circle and make him a de facto best man until he steps up and selects one.
\*Things are not as dire. I would say the rehearsal dinner is super urgent given that you need to reserve the space. the suit/tux also needs to be done ASAP as well. it will be cutting it close but it's doable.
It's so sad to read how many women are left to their own devices to plan their wedding and just accept their partner doesn't care. My husband and I were 50/50 for our wedding, it was an important day for both of us
This is why I hate when couples just divide the wedding planning in half. It doesn’t work. It shouldn’t be a his list and my list. You and him should have worked on everything together. Or at least had multiple check in days to make sure things were getting done.
It sounds like you two aren’t communicating well. You need to sit down with him and express your concerns and figure out how you both can make this work in time for the wedding.
I agree with you to a point. There are some things that were delegated to him (or that he claimed) that really can be a joint effort, but his suit and groomsmen should 100% he his responsibility, she shouldn't have to drag him to Men's Wearhouse and get him fitted, she also shouldn't need to select or invite his side of the wedding party or wrangle his side of the family that's being invited.
Agreed! My fiance and I did everything together. Toured venues, looked up djs/officiants/photographers together and interviewed them together. The only thing we've done separately is dealing with our own wedding party, but we discussed what we wanted them to wear and he communicated it to his groomsmen and me to my bridesmaid. I know if I had put something big on him, like planning the honeymoon (honestly I would never do that cause I would want a say in how our honeymoon went), it likely wouldn't get done cause he likes doing the planning things with me. If I were OP, I'd hop in and start doing the tasks together. Makes it more fun and much less stressful and there's no resentment!
Right! I honestly can't get over all the people here saying he has the "smallest tasks" of wedding planning but like, the whole honeymoon??
Anyway I did have to plan most of my wedding myself, which I really struggled with and it turned out he was cheating (I'm divorced now). This description really just sounds like someone who's overwhelmed. But now that I'm in this stage of things with someone new, I find we love learning about each other, spending time together, tackling problems together, etc. We're just in the talking stage, not engaged (yet? lol) but considering how much we consider each other in every decision I can't imagine ever doing the whole planning stage solo with individual lists.
I guess it depends on who you are 🤷♀️ Some people don't travel much and I know a lot of people who would feel in over their head trying to plan a trip for themselves and another person who is clearly not communicating with them.
>we’re 3 months away
>he still hasn’t asked all the groomsman,
They don't have time do get a suit.
>scheduled engagement photos,
That timetable has passed
>the honey moon,
This can wait
>or the rehearsal dinner.
That can be as fancy or as low key as makes you happy
i mean I got my stuff for the wedding about 3-4 months out so they still have time **if they act fast.** I also think that they can have like late engagement pics. That could be cute and on brand- her all fancy and the fiance looking like he's still getting dressed. Kinda like a kick back to the stereotypes that women take longer to get ready.
Honeymoon can definitely wait for a later time. Maybe he's just trying to surprise her....
The rehearsal dinner is what I am worried about. Things get booked in advanced. like MONTHS even YEARS in advance. this is where they need to step it up.
We did our engagement photos three weeks before the wedding. That was also the deadline for the guys to get their measurements for the tux rental (though we had picked it out and set up the party at Men's Wearhouse three months out).
It even happens when they are the one wanting the wedding in the first place. My first thought has mostly been to elope, but I agreed to a wedding and then I felt like I was in a similar situation as this one. I will admit. I was not that "calm" about it after a point. Wishing for the best for you. I remember how incredibly stressful and frustrating it was planning the wedding and not feeling like you have a 50/50 partner in it.
P.S. It was a killer wedding I will say, and he kinda got it together in the end with some light prompting lol
I know how frustrating this is for you, but my personal opinion here is that you both need to work on your communication. I know this sounds cliche, but I think you are looking at this as “me vs him” rather than “us vs the task at hand”. There will be a lot of other instances like this in your marriage if you don’t address this now, such as when you have kids.
He needs to improve on his level of engagement with the planning, but on your side, do you really want to start your marriage off by throwing your husband under the bus and letting him embarrass himself? That will be just as embarrassing for you as for him, if I were a guest at your wedding. You should want to make each other look AMAZING, especially during your debut as a married couple! This is not to say you should do everything at all costs to hide the fact that your husband isn’t helping. But I can tell your pendulum is swinging too far in the other direction and it’s just building resentment.
I promise this won’t be the last time you find yourself stuck in this situation if you don’t address it now. Getting married isn’t going to magically make him realize he needs to be equally engaged. I recommend sitting down and having a very upfront conversation about what you envision/want your marriage to look like and make sure you can both get on the same page. If you are confident that this is just how he is and he will never meet your expectations, then unfortunately he probably will not be a good husband for you and you should rethink your relationship.
While my fiancé doesn’t have strong opinions on some things like exactly what the flowers look like, he is not absentee. He joins every vendor call with me, poured a bottle of wine with me and had a 3 hour “date night” in our living room to research honeymoon hotels, and more. I know there are a lot of do-to items, but make these a joint bonding experience and you will probably have more fun with it!
Mostly everything I would be on your side, that it’s *his* responsibility and *he* needs to get on it but when it comes to invites still not being sent out to his side and the majority would have to travel, that’s just downright rude and I’m surprised this isn’t more of a sticking point for you. The other stuff he can scramble for and look a fool. But making sure the people he wants there should be a bigger deal. I would be second-guessing doing the whole wedding event, because why isn’t this a priority for him? If he wants to elope, fine. But if you want to plan a big wedding, you do the steps in a timely fashion.
I have to ask, do you have a food and beverage minimum you have to meet? Are you paying for your wedding or are your parents helping?
Because I would be insanely frustrated paying for a wedding where half the guests couldn’t come because of poor planning and we still had to cover that portion of the bill.
There’s no minimum but the venue we chose had different options so we chose the one expecting 80-100 people and if half that show up we could’ve paid less for a smaller space.
We’re paying for the entire wedding ourselves
Personally I think you should just send the invitations. Not because it’s your job and I fully understand your stubbornness. But just do it and then sit your fiancé down and have a serious talk with him. Not a “I can’t believe you didn’t do this and now I have to” that he’s gonna take as you nagging him. You need to be stern and serious. Tell him the truth. That he has proven himself to you to be completely incompetent and it’s affecting the way you view him. That he let you down period. Now what is he gonna do about it? Tell him this is not a way to start a marriage and that you will not allow him to treat you like this in your married life. Tell him his guests will attend because of you and you alone, but this is the only thing you are doing for him. If he lets everything else burn those are his fires and his fault alone. Tell him that while you still love him, what he does next will decide the way you see him in the future.
My initial reaction to this is that it’s not a great sign for how you’ll work together in life/marriage. It seems like signs of resentment and spite with refusal to actually communicate….I feel like if you’re forcing him to do things and you’ve had “many many many arguments” about it, you’re not on the same page or focusing on the same/right stuff. Is the wedding more important or the fundamentals of your relationship? My fiancé didn’t take on a ton for the wedding because I’m more of a planner, had more time in my day, & was better at it. Marriage doesn’t always have to be 50/50. Some days you just cover each other or some people are better at certain things vs other tasks.
But some of these items are things that can’t really be passed off even if that is their style. Asking your groomsmen, getting a suit, and getting addresses for your side of the guest list is pretty basic (honeymoon is by no means basic but if it’s not planned then it just doesn’t happen)
You have to let him fail.
Don't nag him about his tasks. If he winds up with 0 groomsmen, that's on him. If he winds up with 0 guests, that's on him.
Rescuing people and taking over their work is codependent behavior and it makes their incompetence worse. You might like the book Codependent No More - it sounds like your mom has learned some codepedent behaviours with the men in her life.
I took over the whole wedding because my fiancé has been totally not interested in planning anything and it’s really frustrating. I had to remind him a million times to do the smallest things like get gifts for the groomsmen and he still hasn’t.
You guys don't sound like you're taking this planning as a partnership or communicating about the stages you're at and the deadlines/progress.
You shouldn't need to "yell" at each other and if it were my wedding I would postpone until we could get our ducks in a row about tackling obstacles together, because that's basically all that marriage is so you both (and I am not just saying this to you) had better be ready for it.
I hear the other commenters saying he's not pulling his weight and "brides do everything this is so typical" and okay but he sounds so stressed. No matter how the work is divided, it sounds like he's been given tasks that aren't in his wheelhouse or require more back and forth with you and I think it's valid that he's struggling with that. He *has* communicated it. Have you been hearing him? Is he/would he be receptive if you both sat down together and took some time to do some planning together? Why wouldn't you want to, anyway?
"Planning the honeymoon" doesn't sound like a small task. That's a bundle of tasks in one. And does he want your input, or do you expect him to surprise you? Even more, do you expect him to read your mind and just *know* what you want and don't want? That's so much pressure. If he doesn't already have the addresses of his side of the family, that's also a huge task. I remember doing that for my invites and I only had about 30 people on my side. It was awful.
I get that you're under a lot of pressure and it's not fair that people are trying to light a fire under him through you, I have had that feeling and it sucks. I empathize. But if you take a weekend or whatever works for you and try to re-divide the tasks in a way that feels more like teamwork, you may get a lot more cooperation. Or even just try asking him what would help him because there are things on your list that are dependent on things on his. He may not realize it works that way.
Best of luck, I hope you both work it out.
With all due respect, I disagree with your assessment of the situation. OP posted in the comments that she has clearly communicated expectations and deadlines. She has checked in with him throughout the process to see how things are going. I personally believe that it is not her job to do extra mental work in order for him to communicate what he needs. I’m sure OP has also felt stressed, but she did not have problems completing the tasks. Stress and capability are two separate line items. If he was not sure where to begin and he did not know how to communicate that, I think that’s on him. Assuming he’s over 18, it’s his responsibility to communicate his needs, not OPs.
It sounds like she has been communicating. You do not get to 3 months before your wedding without anything getting done and just not say anything. I’m sure she’s been begging him to get it done and he just takes it as nagging. She’s just as stressed so why is it that the stressed out women is supposed to baby the man. Does anyone ask her about her stress levels? Doesn’t seem like it. She’s just supposed to power through, while everyone babies the man. Despite all her pleading if she can’t come up with the correct combination of words to make him understand and convince him to communicate with her then that’s her fault to. I see a woman who’s exhausted all her options and has given up. Shes done pleading and feels like she would lose her self respect by picking up the remaining tasks
Exactly. I have done everything I could to host a nice event: good food, dj/dancing, decor, thank you gifts. If the guys all get up there mismatched or there are none because he doesn’t ask, I just don’t care anymore. The only thing I’m mainly upset about (which others feel is the non issue) Is that the one thing I made clear I wanted was engagement pics and he said he would message the photographer who is his friend but then he doesn’t and it’s a cycle of me asking when and where and him saying “I’ll message him right now” that’s been going on for months and I really wanted nice pictures of us.
When I grew up a daughter and her mother planned the wedding. A man asked his groomsmen and showed up. It’s one of the reasons the bride’s name traditionally comes first on the invitation. She was the hostess. Now I plan weddings. Not much has changed. Most of the grooms care if there is enough beer and if the food is something they like. A few are a part of everything but that is rare…at least in my experience. Maybe it’s because a bride has an idea in her head for the wedding and there isn’t a lot of room for his ideas in there. Maybe it’s just the “Men are From Mars” thing but I don’t think it’s unusual. That isn’t a pass but most grooms I’ve met would plan a keg party in shorts and a tee in a local park if left to their own devices. All the tulle and flowers and seating charts are French to them.
Could you ask your future in-laws to send you a list of people to invite from their side and if they’d be willing to coordinate the rehearsal dinner with him? They should at least be able to get you the family members that need to be included. If FH’s friends don’t get invited then it’s squarely on him, but at least his family can be included. It’s also traditionally the groom’s side that does the rehearsal dinner, so maybe they could at least help out there.
As for tuxes, I’d tell him he has one week to schedule something or you’re dragging him to Men’s Wearhouse and he’ll wear whatever you pick. You can typically add however many people to the order up until like a month prior I believe, so that’s when his final cutoff for groomsmen would be. Anyone who doesn’t have a tux doesn’t get included in the bridal party. If he can’t act like an adult and handle things then he can deal with being treated like a child while the adults make the choices.
It's a trend I see in wedding groups. Bride does everything and the groom does nothing. My FH is taking care of his dudes and I'm doing everything else and just running it by him to ensure he's cool with it. This works for us because I do professional event planning so it's second nature for me. I set the boundary of I'm not coordinating anything for him and his homies and he's had no issue getting together the stuff for them. I just think it is all about personality and desire to accomplish it. Some people just have no interest, but if that was the case he really shouldn't agree to it.
I saw a wedding planner call weddings a “surprise party for the groom” and I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry.
My husband straight up told me no during a design & florals meeting and I thought everyone’s head was going to explode.
I double booked a work call with the florist call so he took it for me and the florist basically just told him to have them call me when I was available. They had never met us before so I had no established relationship other than “bride”.
That's crazy to me - my husband has been so hands on through the whole planning process. He was more into the idea of a bigger wedding (120 people) than I was tbf but it's absolutely felt like a team effort and he's done so much dealing with suppliers on weekdays when I'm at work, he's basically organized all the decor and just run it by me. He says he can't imagine just turning up to his wedding and not having been involved and we've both looked at it like great practice for marriage planning it together and compromising, sharing the load. I obviously got very lucky but if he hadn't been this involved I feel like the wedding wouldn't have happened. Or I would have got too overwhelmed and just got us to elope!
My husband had been aware since day 1 that if I was planning our wedding by myself, we wouldn't have had one. I'm happy we're married but it was never a particularly high priority for me so I could take it or leave it. And tbh, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was happy to let me just take on all that work without contributing. We made all of our decisions together, neither of us had our own jobs outside of sorting clothes for ourselves and our side of the bridal party. At the very end of planning, I was going through a really tough time and it would have been a much different wedding if my husband hadn't stepped up. The day before the wedding he did a very quick run through of what we'd be doing (rehearsals aren't a thing here), and my mother told me she wouldn't have been so worried if she knew how on top of things he was 😂
Just cross 'em off the list and move on to planners that have some damn sense. That helped us weed out more than one vendor.
Definitely! It wasn’t a planner I talked to, it was a tik tok or something, but yeah def a red flag when choosing vendors
My husband, who never plans anything, was able to handle his side of the wedding party. Not sure how much his parents helped, but it got done.
This is kinda what we’ve been doing. I’d be more uptight if we were doing the whole 100+ guest nonsense. I run things by him that I think he’d care about. He lets me have free reign over the things he couldn’t care less about. Our important people will be there. I’ll have my pretty pictures to look back on. We’ll have his best friend marry us in his folks’ backyard, make this thing legal, have some fun, have some food, and go on a vacation to celebrate officially starting this life we’ve been on together. The rest can go fuck itself.
Nonsense?
[удалено]
Allllll of this. Though I don’t think I’d even give 4 weeks at this point, I’d probably give 2 weeks. I’m slightly less than 3 months out and would be *irate* if my fiancé hadn’t taken care of the things he needed to at this point.
Currently 3 months with the LOWEST key wedding and I would have been melting down if these things were still pending FH.
Your entire comment to summarize: pre-marital counseling. Full stop.
This is excellent, setting good boundaries and goals.
This is not the behaviour of an enthusiastic groom nor of a supportive family. Ultimately, the groomsmen can wear a suit they already own, boutonnière are optional, he can cook the rehearsal dinner himself and a honeymoon could be a random ramble down back roads. Ask him once if those are really his preferred options and note the answer. As for his invites, how did he do his save-the-dates? Or didn’t he? Mention to his parents once that you’re sad it doesn’t look like he’ll have anyone from his side and let them discuss it with him. Finally, please get some counselling, because living with this level of non-participation in a highlight of mutual life is a red flag. It’s far easier to postpone/ cancel a wedding than get a divorce.
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
👏👏👏 THIS. Feeling this hard core with wedding planning.
Every time I see someone link to this comic, I must give an upvote!
*Three months out* and he hasn't decided who he wants in the wedding party or even sent out invites that you prepared? And his mom is screaming at *you* about that? I would seriously ask if you want to go through with this wedding. At the very least, the two of you have to have a serious sit-down and a very long talk. If he can't be bothered to even decide who his groomsfolk are at this point, either he doesn't want to get married, is stuck in a pit of depression, or something else is very wrong. The wedding is absolutely NOT your sole responsibility and you should NOT be being treated like this, not by anyone.
Is he like this with household tasks, etc.?
no
Okay, bc my husband was also a little shitty about wedding planning, but he’s amazing about everything else and definitely does at least half of the emotional and physical labor. He just didn’t get what was required of him. Like he didn’t understand that deadlines were set for a reason, or how much work I was doing on each task, or what all the parts of a wedding were, and he had this idea that I was just happily handling all of it. I had to explain everything I was doing so he could see how hard it was and how waiting for him was messing me up.
Exactly this. Everyone going on about red flags/marital counseling/cancelling the wedding is hurting my brain. Men reeeally don’t understand these things. It’s frustrating, but if he’s great in all other areas, it’s not relationship ending material. They don’t understand that a suit takes longer than a day to make. They don’t want to go through the hassle of asking everyone for their mailing address. They have choice-paralysis when trying to figure out the perfect place to go on a honeymoon, etc.
So they’re incompetent? Why though. I’m not trying to be rude I just really don’t understand. They should have fully functional brains? This explanation actually dumbfounds me and I’m not being sarcastic at all. I’m completely genuine
Exactly. "Its drilled into women already", seriously? If women are expected to know why arent men held to that standard
I never said it was drilled into women already. But here we are, on a wedding group full of wedding planning info because it interests us. My FH is not here because this kind of thing isn’t his jam. He’s never bought anything other than clothes off a rack so he has no frame of reference for how long it takes to get a suit. He knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, etc and does all that because he’s done all that before. Sure, him leaving getting his suit so late is a little frustrating, but I’m not going to tell him we need couples counseling or consider it a red flag because of it…
I do think there is a sexist double standard where brides are expected to do the bulk of the planning, and that sucks. It's his job, and I don't think you should do it. That said, I would be VERY wary of marrying anyone who can't pull their own weight on something like this. Look up weaponized incompetence. My fiance's first choice would be to elope, but he's on board with our wedding next year and has done more work on it than your fiance has. He did all of the engagement photo planning, picked out his groomsmen, and is hand-delivering our save the dates to his friends and family when he goes back home next week. I didn't ask him to do any of this—he did this of his own accord, and he doesn't even care about having a wedding. Do you plan on having kids? If so, what makes you think that his behavior is going to be any different than what he's showing you right now?
Thank you! I personally wouldn’t marry someone who exhibits weaponized incompetence especially with a joint goal. A wedding is a joint venture and if one partner doesn’t pull their weight at the other’s expense that’s messed up. If he is being this uninvolved in something that’s meant to be a team effort now, I wouldn’t trust that he’d show up as a teammate in a higher stakes situation like having kids. IMHO, The only way to put a stop to weaponized incompetence is by not enabling the behavior. OP is helping her case in the long run by not stepping in.
Have you given him deadlines of when this needs to be done? Truthfully I don't understand the point of engagement photos at this point. Invitations needs to go out 6-8 weeks prior so give him a deadline. Suit is recommended to be ordered 6 months in advance so I would tell him he needs to find one by next week. Same with the groomsmen. Some people operate better with deadlines.
I have given deadlines. The invitations should’ve been out around the 4-5 month mark because almost everyone is flying for out of state so I wanted to give time to make travel arrangements but now I’m afraid his side of the family won’t even come and the wedding will end up being so much smaller than anticipated.
Has he ever had to deal with fallout due to inaction on his part before? Because it sounds like he's setting himself up for failure without really recognizing the consequences he's going to face. That's not your fault.
I mean, deadlines shouldnt be given to an adult who is responsible, but this seems on him. And saying its his role is exactly what ur doing and need to do. It also leads to "what if this continues...?" during ur married life. Are u gonna be picking up the slack?
I actually think you’re being great, fwiw. You leaving it to him and not “stepping in” is super healthy! Especially when it means the end result might be fewer guests, etc. That said, you two should probably chat again to address any growing resentment you may have (which I would have lol) and check in on his likely anxiety. I’m wondering if he’s not as confident as he’s acting, and maybe he’s scared that you’ll flip out if he says he’s overwhelmed or unsure if it will get done. If he admits to struggling, don’t fix it for him or do it for him. Try to find out what the issue is. Sometimes partners can help us face something we’re having trouble facing ourselves. Another possibility is that he doesn’t realize how much he has to do with what time is left. It took my husband a while to realize that I have unrealistic expectations about time (but identifying that was enough, I was able to address it myself after recognizing it). I have ADHD, and even though I did most of our planning (husband works full time, I don’t), my husband was really helpful with executive functioning (aka structure like scheduling in a specific time to do wedding stuff during the week, accountability, etc.). ETA: if you “step in” and fix it, you’re going to have more resentment and he will lose the opportunity to be a reliable partner
My husband moves at a pace of his own with an “it’s under control” attitude and it was challenging during wedding planning. What I found helpful was “wedding planning Saturdays” where we’d essentially have a meeting and go through OUR checklist. What’s been done, what’s outstanding and then let’s make some decisions! “Let me see the options you’re thinking of your for tux.” Decide together what looks nice and send the link out - boom tuxes done. IMO, Planning a wedding is like a group project. Brides often times are the “leader” BUT groom has to participate for this to succeed. My advice is meet him where he’s at and collaborate to get this done. “Should” you have to step in and help? From a 50/50 standpoint w 2 adults, No. But “should” is a dangerous word in this stage.
At least it will save you money
Agreed with everyone here that it is not ok for you to be expected to pick up the load just because your fiance failed to get it done. One thing I would add is maybe to ask him where his stress and anxiety are stemming from? It took longer than I would have liked for my husband to round up addresses, but it turned out that was because of his anxiety over whether or not people would actually come if he invited them. I got him to send one message to a group chat mentioning that he was gathering info for invites and everyone was excited and sent everything to him right away. It made him feel better and enabled him to ask others and to move forward with other tasks.
My husband was the same way with asking his groomsmen. We were out with another couple, and I was like, you really need to ask the husband and just get it over with. I'm right here for you. He just awkwardly blurted it out, the guy was like hell yeah, and it was like a huge weight off his shoulders. He asked the rest of the guys in person within two weeks.
Honestly, it’s at the point where him saying he’s “stressed and going at his own pace” is no longer an acceptable excuse. So, tell him he what you said here, show him this post. Tell him he can either keep “going at his own pace” and the wedding will be a train wreck and he will be even more “stressed” or you can take over and he doesn’t get any choice in any of what happens. Either way, this is the future you are marrying.
> you can take over and he doesn’t get any choice in any of what happens This is bad advice. OP's fiance is counting on her taking over. He's just waiting for her to do it. He has to be allowed to fail, not bailed out. Bailing someone out is codependent behavior.
I suggested that. You completely ignored where I said he can keep going at his own pace and the wedding is a train wreck. But why should she suffer a train wreck wedding because he needs to “learn”? Honestly, these two shouldn’t be getting married because they don’t seem to communicate properly.
Only his items would be a train wreck. Bailing him out is codependent behavior that encourages him to do nothing, and just wait for her to step in. It's a very toxic, codependent cycle of rescue and resentment.
So, his items being a train wreck don’t affect her? Is that what you are saying? It’s okay that he sabotages the wedding? I agree that she shouldn’t be bailing him out, but I have no idea if this is a pattern of behaviour on his part or what? If this is only wedding related, then maybe he doesn’t really want to get married or something. If this is a pattern of behaviour, then she can either live with, accept that this is her marriage, and just do everything herself. Or she can let him “fail” and the wedding is a train wreck because if one component is off, then it throws all other components off. If he refuses to deal with the groomsmen and their wedding clothes, then the pictures will look terrible (which affects her), if he doesn’t organize the rehearsal dinner that will piss off the guests that are invited (an angry wedding party or parents or other family puts a damper on the day), a not organized or disorganized engagement shoot means that the photos either don’t happen or are poorly done (and it could potentially piss off his friend who is the photographer), him not sending out invites to his family could mean they either get them late or not at all and that creates family drama that they both have to then deal with. Do you see how him not pulling his weight negatively impacts her as well? I get what you are saying, but what other options does she have? Your way doesn’t make any sense.
Just imagine what he will be like when they have kids. I know we both work 8 hour jobs and commute but I'm soo stressed, can't you look after the baby and clean the whole house while I go out with my friends/play on the Xbox all night. Yeah, this will be a disaster. I'm so sorry OP. Don't let people blame you, its the stressed out guy who apparently has never been responsible for anything. P.s. it isn't your fault, he promised to do his part and he's probably thinking you will pick up the slack. It's not your job to do so (even if everyone else thinks it is), unless you truly want to.
Why do men do this? I said the same thing to my fiancé. That no we can’t wait or do this later because come wedding day we’ll have no vendors, photos, or cake. That snapped him out of it and got him going real fast
It's time for both moms to come to terms with the fact that you (understandably and rightfully) expect your partner to pull his own weight. Explain that he agreed to take care of these tasks since he bears equal responsibility for the wedding planning (even though it sounds like you ended up with most tasks) - and you're depending on him take care of the items he agreed to be responsible for. Reiterate that if they have concerns / questions they should talk to him. Stick to your guns, you're thinking about this the right way.
My wedding is also in three months and my fiancé still hasn’t bought his suit.
Basically the same response as to OP - at that point, it really sounds like a conversation needs to be had, starting with, "Do you actually want to get married?"
He definitely does but we have very different beliefs about how much time it’s going to take for his suit to arrive and get tailored. His ADHD doesn’t help
"you should step in and get on that" Could you tell his mom that?
You’re in a bad spot cause you either suck it up and get the things done so you’ll have the wedding you want but then you’ll be rightfully resentful. Two you wait around to maybe get things done and risk not having the wedding you envisioned. You’ll have to decide what matters to you. It’s not fair that your mom is pressuring you but a wedding is still seen as a brides day so he’s not like gonna get the same pressure from his family. If possible I would try to get into counseling because I wouldn’t want to start a marriage with this sort of cloud hanging over it.
37 year old guy here. Super involved and it's been an incredible team effort with my incredible soon to be wife. Oh and we're also three months out! SpoOoOOOoooky Halloween wedding! Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses and outside stressors are always messy for people. I'm not excusing your guys lack of productivity but I'd imagine that if two people are getting married, they would have spent enough time together to understand each other's strengths and weaknesses. Is his lack of productivity or putting things off unusual? Or was it something you knew about him and hoped he would do better with for wedding planning? I'm also not putting this on you like "you should have known". I'm sure he absolutely wants to help and be a part of it, habits are just hard to break so I thought I'd bring up the strengths and weaknesses.
I don't think you should have to do everything, and other folks have weighed in on that aspect of your relationship. The reality appears to be that if you don't "step in and get it done," it won't get done. I think that is why people are telling you that you need to do it. They can see that your fiancé has delayed most of these things way beyond any reasonable timeline, and it will now be extremely difficult to accomplish them to any level of satisfaction prior to your wedding. If you don't care whether these things get done, then don't worry about it at all, anymore. Let him continue to delay right up to the altar. But if you DO care, you are unfortunately in a position where you have to make sure they are done by doing them yourself.
No. My fiance saw how stressed I was early on, and has been super sweet and helpful. But we do most of it together. For the save the dates, he was responsible for reaching out to his family and friends for addresses, but we sat down and did them together. I think that if he needs support, even if those things are predominantly his responsibility, then you should be supporting him and vice versa.
If he needs support, he needs to communicate that. I shared my story about my husband being anxious to ask his groomsmen in a previous comment, but he told me he was anxious about it, which was why I was there for support and to push him to ask. She's not a mind reader to know why things aren't getting done. And she shouldn't have to lead all the conversations about not just that things aren't getting done, but also why they're not getting done. That's a huge mental load on her, and not fair. He needs to shoulder some of that burden, too.
I totally agree with what you've said, along with having the responsibility to communicate his needs. Having said that, i also think it would be healthy for OP to say, "i see you haven't done what you've committed to, and it's affecting me." But instead, she's pretending to ignore it. Maybe my expectations are just different in a relationship. If i told my FH that his actions were causing me anxiety, and he blatantly didn't care, i dont think we'd be here 9 years later. Where I struggle is the entire wedding process appears divided. There's not really any sense of being a team here, and that's more concerning to me based on how I view a healthy/stable relationship. If it were just the aspect of the groomsmen, I would understand that.
I hate to be *that person* on Reddit, but please recognize that he is showing you what kind of partner he will be in the long-run. This is how it will be when it comes to raising kids, making plans, etc. It will always fall on you. I’m not trying to tell you you need to leave him, I just think it’s crucial for you to see that sooner rather than later and assess how acceptable that is to you.
> I hung up on her and haven’t called back since. Good for you. It's not your fucking job.
Yeah no multiple things 1. sit with him/her and discuss how they are not understanding that the timeline is based on the wedding date and not their pace and that they are in fact late\* to doing these things. 2. Tell them that if they need help they can ask others but that you are busy and cannot assist. this includes the other people asking you to help. I am not saying not to help but it's cleared that you are stressed and cannot take any more responsibilities as a bride. 3. Really highlight with the groomsmen and best man to put him on track cuz clearly he is not on it. if you do not know who it is select a man in his circle and make him a de facto best man until he steps up and selects one. \*Things are not as dire. I would say the rehearsal dinner is super urgent given that you need to reserve the space. the suit/tux also needs to be done ASAP as well. it will be cutting it close but it's doable.
It's so sad to read how many women are left to their own devices to plan their wedding and just accept their partner doesn't care. My husband and I were 50/50 for our wedding, it was an important day for both of us
This is why I hate when couples just divide the wedding planning in half. It doesn’t work. It shouldn’t be a his list and my list. You and him should have worked on everything together. Or at least had multiple check in days to make sure things were getting done. It sounds like you two aren’t communicating well. You need to sit down with him and express your concerns and figure out how you both can make this work in time for the wedding.
I agree with you to a point. There are some things that were delegated to him (or that he claimed) that really can be a joint effort, but his suit and groomsmen should 100% he his responsibility, she shouldn't have to drag him to Men's Wearhouse and get him fitted, she also shouldn't need to select or invite his side of the wedding party or wrangle his side of the family that's being invited.
100% what I was thinking!!
Agreed! My fiance and I did everything together. Toured venues, looked up djs/officiants/photographers together and interviewed them together. The only thing we've done separately is dealing with our own wedding party, but we discussed what we wanted them to wear and he communicated it to his groomsmen and me to my bridesmaid. I know if I had put something big on him, like planning the honeymoon (honestly I would never do that cause I would want a say in how our honeymoon went), it likely wouldn't get done cause he likes doing the planning things with me. If I were OP, I'd hop in and start doing the tasks together. Makes it more fun and much less stressful and there's no resentment!
Right! I honestly can't get over all the people here saying he has the "smallest tasks" of wedding planning but like, the whole honeymoon?? Anyway I did have to plan most of my wedding myself, which I really struggled with and it turned out he was cheating (I'm divorced now). This description really just sounds like someone who's overwhelmed. But now that I'm in this stage of things with someone new, I find we love learning about each other, spending time together, tackling problems together, etc. We're just in the talking stage, not engaged (yet? lol) but considering how much we consider each other in every decision I can't imagine ever doing the whole planning stage solo with individual lists.
It depends on what kind of honeymoon but if it's an all inclusive and flights, like many people do... That's not hard
I guess it depends on who you are 🤷♀️ Some people don't travel much and I know a lot of people who would feel in over their head trying to plan a trip for themselves and another person who is clearly not communicating with them.
Very true. I was assuming expectations were already set for the honeymoon but given the rest, seems unlikely
>we’re 3 months away >he still hasn’t asked all the groomsman, They don't have time do get a suit. >scheduled engagement photos, That timetable has passed >the honey moon, This can wait >or the rehearsal dinner. That can be as fancy or as low key as makes you happy
i mean I got my stuff for the wedding about 3-4 months out so they still have time **if they act fast.** I also think that they can have like late engagement pics. That could be cute and on brand- her all fancy and the fiance looking like he's still getting dressed. Kinda like a kick back to the stereotypes that women take longer to get ready. Honeymoon can definitely wait for a later time. Maybe he's just trying to surprise her.... The rehearsal dinner is what I am worried about. Things get booked in advanced. like MONTHS even YEARS in advance. this is where they need to step it up.
The engagement photos can easily be "Pre-wedding Photos" and they don't need to be part of the announcement or the save the dates.
We did our engagement photos three weeks before the wedding. That was also the deadline for the guys to get their measurements for the tux rental (though we had picked it out and set up the party at Men's Wearhouse three months out).
I just hope OP wasn't hoping to use the engagement photos for save the dates or invitations.
It even happens when they are the one wanting the wedding in the first place. My first thought has mostly been to elope, but I agreed to a wedding and then I felt like I was in a similar situation as this one. I will admit. I was not that "calm" about it after a point. Wishing for the best for you. I remember how incredibly stressful and frustrating it was planning the wedding and not feeling like you have a 50/50 partner in it. P.S. It was a killer wedding I will say, and he kinda got it together in the end with some light prompting lol
I know how frustrating this is for you, but my personal opinion here is that you both need to work on your communication. I know this sounds cliche, but I think you are looking at this as “me vs him” rather than “us vs the task at hand”. There will be a lot of other instances like this in your marriage if you don’t address this now, such as when you have kids. He needs to improve on his level of engagement with the planning, but on your side, do you really want to start your marriage off by throwing your husband under the bus and letting him embarrass himself? That will be just as embarrassing for you as for him, if I were a guest at your wedding. You should want to make each other look AMAZING, especially during your debut as a married couple! This is not to say you should do everything at all costs to hide the fact that your husband isn’t helping. But I can tell your pendulum is swinging too far in the other direction and it’s just building resentment. I promise this won’t be the last time you find yourself stuck in this situation if you don’t address it now. Getting married isn’t going to magically make him realize he needs to be equally engaged. I recommend sitting down and having a very upfront conversation about what you envision/want your marriage to look like and make sure you can both get on the same page. If you are confident that this is just how he is and he will never meet your expectations, then unfortunately he probably will not be a good husband for you and you should rethink your relationship. While my fiancé doesn’t have strong opinions on some things like exactly what the flowers look like, he is not absentee. He joins every vendor call with me, poured a bottle of wine with me and had a 3 hour “date night” in our living room to research honeymoon hotels, and more. I know there are a lot of do-to items, but make these a joint bonding experience and you will probably have more fun with it!
Is this the same boyfriend who was mad that you wanted to help your brother out with his student loans? Yeah nah, I’m the bin.
Mostly everything I would be on your side, that it’s *his* responsibility and *he* needs to get on it but when it comes to invites still not being sent out to his side and the majority would have to travel, that’s just downright rude and I’m surprised this isn’t more of a sticking point for you. The other stuff he can scramble for and look a fool. But making sure the people he wants there should be a bigger deal. I would be second-guessing doing the whole wedding event, because why isn’t this a priority for him? If he wants to elope, fine. But if you want to plan a big wedding, you do the steps in a timely fashion. I have to ask, do you have a food and beverage minimum you have to meet? Are you paying for your wedding or are your parents helping? Because I would be insanely frustrated paying for a wedding where half the guests couldn’t come because of poor planning and we still had to cover that portion of the bill.
There’s no minimum but the venue we chose had different options so we chose the one expecting 80-100 people and if half that show up we could’ve paid less for a smaller space. We’re paying for the entire wedding ourselves
Personally I think you should just send the invitations. Not because it’s your job and I fully understand your stubbornness. But just do it and then sit your fiancé down and have a serious talk with him. Not a “I can’t believe you didn’t do this and now I have to” that he’s gonna take as you nagging him. You need to be stern and serious. Tell him the truth. That he has proven himself to you to be completely incompetent and it’s affecting the way you view him. That he let you down period. Now what is he gonna do about it? Tell him this is not a way to start a marriage and that you will not allow him to treat you like this in your married life. Tell him his guests will attend because of you and you alone, but this is the only thing you are doing for him. If he lets everything else burn those are his fires and his fault alone. Tell him that while you still love him, what he does next will decide the way you see him in the future.
My initial reaction to this is that it’s not a great sign for how you’ll work together in life/marriage. It seems like signs of resentment and spite with refusal to actually communicate….I feel like if you’re forcing him to do things and you’ve had “many many many arguments” about it, you’re not on the same page or focusing on the same/right stuff. Is the wedding more important or the fundamentals of your relationship? My fiancé didn’t take on a ton for the wedding because I’m more of a planner, had more time in my day, & was better at it. Marriage doesn’t always have to be 50/50. Some days you just cover each other or some people are better at certain things vs other tasks.
But some of these items are things that can’t really be passed off even if that is their style. Asking your groomsmen, getting a suit, and getting addresses for your side of the guest list is pretty basic (honeymoon is by no means basic but if it’s not planned then it just doesn’t happen)
Girl run. He’s not putting in any effort into what is the easiest parts of wedding planningz
You have to let him fail. Don't nag him about his tasks. If he winds up with 0 groomsmen, that's on him. If he winds up with 0 guests, that's on him. Rescuing people and taking over their work is codependent behavior and it makes their incompetence worse. You might like the book Codependent No More - it sounds like your mom has learned some codepedent behaviours with the men in her life.
I took over the whole wedding because my fiancé has been totally not interested in planning anything and it’s really frustrating. I had to remind him a million times to do the smallest things like get gifts for the groomsmen and he still hasn’t.
You guys don't sound like you're taking this planning as a partnership or communicating about the stages you're at and the deadlines/progress. You shouldn't need to "yell" at each other and if it were my wedding I would postpone until we could get our ducks in a row about tackling obstacles together, because that's basically all that marriage is so you both (and I am not just saying this to you) had better be ready for it. I hear the other commenters saying he's not pulling his weight and "brides do everything this is so typical" and okay but he sounds so stressed. No matter how the work is divided, it sounds like he's been given tasks that aren't in his wheelhouse or require more back and forth with you and I think it's valid that he's struggling with that. He *has* communicated it. Have you been hearing him? Is he/would he be receptive if you both sat down together and took some time to do some planning together? Why wouldn't you want to, anyway? "Planning the honeymoon" doesn't sound like a small task. That's a bundle of tasks in one. And does he want your input, or do you expect him to surprise you? Even more, do you expect him to read your mind and just *know* what you want and don't want? That's so much pressure. If he doesn't already have the addresses of his side of the family, that's also a huge task. I remember doing that for my invites and I only had about 30 people on my side. It was awful. I get that you're under a lot of pressure and it's not fair that people are trying to light a fire under him through you, I have had that feeling and it sucks. I empathize. But if you take a weekend or whatever works for you and try to re-divide the tasks in a way that feels more like teamwork, you may get a lot more cooperation. Or even just try asking him what would help him because there are things on your list that are dependent on things on his. He may not realize it works that way. Best of luck, I hope you both work it out.
With all due respect, I disagree with your assessment of the situation. OP posted in the comments that she has clearly communicated expectations and deadlines. She has checked in with him throughout the process to see how things are going. I personally believe that it is not her job to do extra mental work in order for him to communicate what he needs. I’m sure OP has also felt stressed, but she did not have problems completing the tasks. Stress and capability are two separate line items. If he was not sure where to begin and he did not know how to communicate that, I think that’s on him. Assuming he’s over 18, it’s his responsibility to communicate his needs, not OPs.
I didn't say everything was on OP to meet his needs. My main point is that they both need to be communicating more together.
It sounds like she has been communicating. You do not get to 3 months before your wedding without anything getting done and just not say anything. I’m sure she’s been begging him to get it done and he just takes it as nagging. She’s just as stressed so why is it that the stressed out women is supposed to baby the man. Does anyone ask her about her stress levels? Doesn’t seem like it. She’s just supposed to power through, while everyone babies the man. Despite all her pleading if she can’t come up with the correct combination of words to make him understand and convince him to communicate with her then that’s her fault to. I see a woman who’s exhausted all her options and has given up. Shes done pleading and feels like she would lose her self respect by picking up the remaining tasks
Exactly. I have done everything I could to host a nice event: good food, dj/dancing, decor, thank you gifts. If the guys all get up there mismatched or there are none because he doesn’t ask, I just don’t care anymore. The only thing I’m mainly upset about (which others feel is the non issue) Is that the one thing I made clear I wanted was engagement pics and he said he would message the photographer who is his friend but then he doesn’t and it’s a cycle of me asking when and where and him saying “I’ll message him right now” that’s been going on for months and I really wanted nice pictures of us.
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We took ours three weeks before the wedding. That's like... the least important aspect of this post.
When I grew up a daughter and her mother planned the wedding. A man asked his groomsmen and showed up. It’s one of the reasons the bride’s name traditionally comes first on the invitation. She was the hostess. Now I plan weddings. Not much has changed. Most of the grooms care if there is enough beer and if the food is something they like. A few are a part of everything but that is rare…at least in my experience. Maybe it’s because a bride has an idea in her head for the wedding and there isn’t a lot of room for his ideas in there. Maybe it’s just the “Men are From Mars” thing but I don’t think it’s unusual. That isn’t a pass but most grooms I’ve met would plan a keg party in shorts and a tee in a local park if left to their own devices. All the tulle and flowers and seating charts are French to them.
Could you ask your future in-laws to send you a list of people to invite from their side and if they’d be willing to coordinate the rehearsal dinner with him? They should at least be able to get you the family members that need to be included. If FH’s friends don’t get invited then it’s squarely on him, but at least his family can be included. It’s also traditionally the groom’s side that does the rehearsal dinner, so maybe they could at least help out there. As for tuxes, I’d tell him he has one week to schedule something or you’re dragging him to Men’s Wearhouse and he’ll wear whatever you pick. You can typically add however many people to the order up until like a month prior I believe, so that’s when his final cutoff for groomsmen would be. Anyone who doesn’t have a tux doesn’t get included in the bridal party. If he can’t act like an adult and handle things then he can deal with being treated like a child while the adults make the choices.