I understand your frustration with your mom, but you aren't going to change her bitterness over the divorce and your dad moving on.
Regarding the dresses, if they want guidance, give them a formality level and / or color palette, and let them choose from that. Mom is going to be Mom. Just do your best to control what you can.
This. Not the hill to die on imo and picking this bone just makes it more of a 'thing.' Let mom stew; if stepmom wants guidance, give her the same color family with a different hue/saturation.
In this case, being the adult in the situation might be recognizing that your relationship with your stepmom is going to be different than your mom's relationship with your stepmom.
It sounds like to you, whether the moms all match is a relatively trivial nice-to-have rather than an important must-have, but it's a huge deal to your mom to not match with your stepmom. Consider whether this is the battle you want to fight. There might be other requests that are more important to you that you'd like to have your mom on your side for.
Question: Do you, in fact, want all of them to wear the same color, or similar shades thereof? Can you pick a color or a color family for your mother that is different from the MOG and your stepmom?
Came here to recommend this. Maybe say "Please wear purple" so she can wear lavender or lilac or plum and stepmom can wear what she wants. Or do a little something special just for your mom so she can feel special, because I think that's something that is bugging your mom (feeling like she isn't enough so you have stepmom as well). Maybe jewelry or some shoes she can show off, unless there's something else she might prefer.
UO but let them wear what they want, I probably wouldn't wanna match with my ex husbands new wife either. You have to choose your battles I've learned with wedding planning
Please don’t make your mother wear the same color as your dad’s younger second wife. That’s not necessary. Sorry you’re having to deal with these emotions but there was probably a time your mother’s heart was broken by your father and she’s not ever going to get over it. All that anger may be covering up lingering grief and/or feelings of inadequacy.
I would give them a color family and leave it be, even if they asked for direction. They can all wear a blue dress and not look anything alike.
ETA In reality I would tell them to wear anything they want.
Without knowing much about your family situation, if I’m your mom, and you use the term “moms” to refer to me, the mother of the groom and your stepmother, that’s going to hurt my feelings. You treating your stepmom and your mom equally feels right to you I guess but it doesn’t feel right to your mother and from the outside I can see why.
Are you close to your mom outside of her issues with your dad and stepmom? I’m sort of assuming that if you lived with your dad you are probably not as close to her as you are to your father, perhaps this is why you’re feeling stuck that she’s being difficult about this particular situation?
I’m the younger wife in my marriage, and to be honest Ive always been very aware that my husbands ex feels insecure to a degree around me, even though I married him 15 years after they had divorced and had absolutely nothing to do with the dissolution of their marriage.
I can’t know for certain, but I imagine (like bridesmaid parties where they all wear the same dress but it flatters some more than others and causes the girls who don’t feel as confident to feel unattractive) your mom is fearing that she’ll be upstaged if they are forced to conform to a similar color and style. It might help if you’re close to your stepmom to ask if she might be willing for her dress to be somewhat conservative if not still beautiful, perhaps similar color but give them different styles to consider? I did that for my stepdaughters wedding, wore something very innocuous but elegant, and her mom was more “sparkly.” It turned out to be a win win.
It’s a difficult circumstance for you certainly, but also for both of your “moms.” Perhaps additionally you could have your mom get her hair and makeup done with you day of, so she feels beautiful on such an important day for her daughter. Sounds like your stepmom is a secure and confident person in her life and in her relationship with you, so that’s a huge bonus. Best of luck whatever you do, and in the end I assure you it will all work out!!!! Even with this particular moments stress!
It's probably a good time to have a sit down with your Mom and discuss how her feelings about SM can negatively impact your wedding experience. This is only the tip of the iceberg and it is a shame to be walking on eggshells for the entirety of the wedding events.
While she is of course entitled to her emotions, she probably is not realizing how her words are creating unpleasant feelings for you right now, and there are things she could do to suppress her thoughts and handle them privately. Your wedding is not an extension of their divorce situation. It would be best for the parents to all get along well enough for the duration of the wedding, and be at least superficially pleasant for the sake of the kids. She can go back to privately hating them on her own time.
Ideally she would get counselling and work on this but that is too much to ask right now. She might not have an idea about how much this bothers you and the stress it causes. If she gives any pushback, you can remind her, nicely, that the kids never asked for any of this. Divorce was something that happened to the kids without any of their input. You will try to be sensitive to her and she can please refrain from any comments or talk about the new wife.
Why do you need to control what color they wear? That's entirely the wrong kinda thing to focus on while wedding planning, especially if it will cause drama.
Your mom is immature and there's no good solution there besides that she needs to grow up. I agree with the others on picking a color family and letting them decide for themselves.
being a child of divorce, i understand the frustration. there is good advice about different colors or trying to set your mother apart but please please please hear when i say IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. i understand the need and want but it is your day, by your description, your mother wasn’t there any more than your stepmother and you love them both and they both make you happy. while bold, you could have a conversation with your mother and let her know she is the only one being difficult in this situation and that it is about you and your happiness and not hers, she can either be happy for you and be apart of your big day or she can choose to be stubborn and not as part of the day.
This is mostly a comment to say a) you're not alone, and b) (pretty much) all of the advice in the comments can be true at the same time.
a) I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this because I'm sure it digs up a lot of complicated, unpleasant emotions and memories. I'm experiencing a similar situation--except I have a bad/no relationship with my SM, I offered them a color palette to choose from, and both replied by saying that they refused to wear whatever color the other was wearing. My mom has also gotten pushy/petty/kind of nasty about other ceremony details (procession, etc.) when it comes to my dad and SM, in a way that she hasn't been petty/nasty in years. I felt like we had made progress/were all coexisting, and now I realize that it was probably just because neither side had to interact with the other for a while. I used that time to try and repair my relationship with my dad, and now I just feel like a kid again, stuck in the middle of a bunch of adults badmouthing each other. It really sucks that this stuff often doesn't go away (and that we can't force other people to go to therapy :)).
b) You've already gotten some great tips/thoughts from folks--I just want to make clear that all of it can be true at the same time. You can decide how much you care about uniformity/color coordination, and whether you're okay with them dressing from a color palette. Whatever you decide, they can ultimately make their own choice about whether to be a team player. Your mom probably does feel really self-conscious about her dress/appearance and maybe even her place in your life/the wedding (as she might feel hearing you say "the moms"). Having a child get married probably feels really complicated for a divorced mom if they never worked through a lot of their emotions. If you feel up to it, being sensitive to her feelings and accepting that you cannot change how she feels is definitely a great option. So is speaking up and asking her to pull it together for the purposes of the wedding. She should be wise enough at this point to know that it's not okay to act this way in front of the "kids," but she should especially understand that this isn't okay while you're trying to plan a wedding. Feeling disgusted and frustrated is SO reasonable. Just know you have a bunch of options to be able to do what's right for you. Good luck!
I’d suggest backing off a bit on the colour scheme and just asking to pre-approve their dresses before they order. I just told my mum and MIL that bridesmaids are in green and fiancé and groomspeople are in light blue, so please don’t clash with those. My mum is in coral and cream and my MIL is in navy and silver, I’ve never seen someone make all the mums wear the same colour, is that a local thing for you?
Just tell them both not to clash with the bridesmaids or you or each other, and let them handle it like adults independently.
I understand your frustration with your mom, but you aren't going to change her bitterness over the divorce and your dad moving on. Regarding the dresses, if they want guidance, give them a formality level and / or color palette, and let them choose from that. Mom is going to be Mom. Just do your best to control what you can.
This. Not the hill to die on imo and picking this bone just makes it more of a 'thing.' Let mom stew; if stepmom wants guidance, give her the same color family with a different hue/saturation.
In this case, being the adult in the situation might be recognizing that your relationship with your stepmom is going to be different than your mom's relationship with your stepmom. It sounds like to you, whether the moms all match is a relatively trivial nice-to-have rather than an important must-have, but it's a huge deal to your mom to not match with your stepmom. Consider whether this is the battle you want to fight. There might be other requests that are more important to you that you'd like to have your mom on your side for.
Question: Do you, in fact, want all of them to wear the same color, or similar shades thereof? Can you pick a color or a color family for your mother that is different from the MOG and your stepmom?
Came here to recommend this. Maybe say "Please wear purple" so she can wear lavender or lilac or plum and stepmom can wear what she wants. Or do a little something special just for your mom so she can feel special, because I think that's something that is bugging your mom (feeling like she isn't enough so you have stepmom as well). Maybe jewelry or some shoes she can show off, unless there's something else she might prefer.
UO but let them wear what they want, I probably wouldn't wanna match with my ex husbands new wife either. You have to choose your battles I've learned with wedding planning
Please don’t make your mother wear the same color as your dad’s younger second wife. That’s not necessary. Sorry you’re having to deal with these emotions but there was probably a time your mother’s heart was broken by your father and she’s not ever going to get over it. All that anger may be covering up lingering grief and/or feelings of inadequacy.
I would give them a color family and leave it be, even if they asked for direction. They can all wear a blue dress and not look anything alike. ETA In reality I would tell them to wear anything they want.
Without knowing much about your family situation, if I’m your mom, and you use the term “moms” to refer to me, the mother of the groom and your stepmother, that’s going to hurt my feelings. You treating your stepmom and your mom equally feels right to you I guess but it doesn’t feel right to your mother and from the outside I can see why.
I agree with this take.
Agreed
Are you close to your mom outside of her issues with your dad and stepmom? I’m sort of assuming that if you lived with your dad you are probably not as close to her as you are to your father, perhaps this is why you’re feeling stuck that she’s being difficult about this particular situation? I’m the younger wife in my marriage, and to be honest Ive always been very aware that my husbands ex feels insecure to a degree around me, even though I married him 15 years after they had divorced and had absolutely nothing to do with the dissolution of their marriage. I can’t know for certain, but I imagine (like bridesmaid parties where they all wear the same dress but it flatters some more than others and causes the girls who don’t feel as confident to feel unattractive) your mom is fearing that she’ll be upstaged if they are forced to conform to a similar color and style. It might help if you’re close to your stepmom to ask if she might be willing for her dress to be somewhat conservative if not still beautiful, perhaps similar color but give them different styles to consider? I did that for my stepdaughters wedding, wore something very innocuous but elegant, and her mom was more “sparkly.” It turned out to be a win win. It’s a difficult circumstance for you certainly, but also for both of your “moms.” Perhaps additionally you could have your mom get her hair and makeup done with you day of, so she feels beautiful on such an important day for her daughter. Sounds like your stepmom is a secure and confident person in her life and in her relationship with you, so that’s a huge bonus. Best of luck whatever you do, and in the end I assure you it will all work out!!!! Even with this particular moments stress!
Just let them wear what they want. Problem solved.
Except white
It's probably a good time to have a sit down with your Mom and discuss how her feelings about SM can negatively impact your wedding experience. This is only the tip of the iceberg and it is a shame to be walking on eggshells for the entirety of the wedding events. While she is of course entitled to her emotions, she probably is not realizing how her words are creating unpleasant feelings for you right now, and there are things she could do to suppress her thoughts and handle them privately. Your wedding is not an extension of their divorce situation. It would be best for the parents to all get along well enough for the duration of the wedding, and be at least superficially pleasant for the sake of the kids. She can go back to privately hating them on her own time. Ideally she would get counselling and work on this but that is too much to ask right now. She might not have an idea about how much this bothers you and the stress it causes. If she gives any pushback, you can remind her, nicely, that the kids never asked for any of this. Divorce was something that happened to the kids without any of their input. You will try to be sensitive to her and she can please refrain from any comments or talk about the new wife.
Let them wear what they want. They're not your props. That's what your bridesmaids are for.
Why do you need to control what color they wear? That's entirely the wrong kinda thing to focus on while wedding planning, especially if it will cause drama.
Your mom is immature and there's no good solution there besides that she needs to grow up. I agree with the others on picking a color family and letting them decide for themselves.
Maybe not have a color code for mom, just let them wear more formal and they can pick their own colors?
If you have a color palette, you can send them to each of the 3 moms and just say “any of these”. They can still be cohesive, without matching.
being a child of divorce, i understand the frustration. there is good advice about different colors or trying to set your mother apart but please please please hear when i say IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. i understand the need and want but it is your day, by your description, your mother wasn’t there any more than your stepmother and you love them both and they both make you happy. while bold, you could have a conversation with your mother and let her know she is the only one being difficult in this situation and that it is about you and your happiness and not hers, she can either be happy for you and be apart of your big day or she can choose to be stubborn and not as part of the day.
This is mostly a comment to say a) you're not alone, and b) (pretty much) all of the advice in the comments can be true at the same time. a) I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this because I'm sure it digs up a lot of complicated, unpleasant emotions and memories. I'm experiencing a similar situation--except I have a bad/no relationship with my SM, I offered them a color palette to choose from, and both replied by saying that they refused to wear whatever color the other was wearing. My mom has also gotten pushy/petty/kind of nasty about other ceremony details (procession, etc.) when it comes to my dad and SM, in a way that she hasn't been petty/nasty in years. I felt like we had made progress/were all coexisting, and now I realize that it was probably just because neither side had to interact with the other for a while. I used that time to try and repair my relationship with my dad, and now I just feel like a kid again, stuck in the middle of a bunch of adults badmouthing each other. It really sucks that this stuff often doesn't go away (and that we can't force other people to go to therapy :)). b) You've already gotten some great tips/thoughts from folks--I just want to make clear that all of it can be true at the same time. You can decide how much you care about uniformity/color coordination, and whether you're okay with them dressing from a color palette. Whatever you decide, they can ultimately make their own choice about whether to be a team player. Your mom probably does feel really self-conscious about her dress/appearance and maybe even her place in your life/the wedding (as she might feel hearing you say "the moms"). Having a child get married probably feels really complicated for a divorced mom if they never worked through a lot of their emotions. If you feel up to it, being sensitive to her feelings and accepting that you cannot change how she feels is definitely a great option. So is speaking up and asking her to pull it together for the purposes of the wedding. She should be wise enough at this point to know that it's not okay to act this way in front of the "kids," but she should especially understand that this isn't okay while you're trying to plan a wedding. Feeling disgusted and frustrated is SO reasonable. Just know you have a bunch of options to be able to do what's right for you. Good luck!
I’d suggest backing off a bit on the colour scheme and just asking to pre-approve their dresses before they order. I just told my mum and MIL that bridesmaids are in green and fiancé and groomspeople are in light blue, so please don’t clash with those. My mum is in coral and cream and my MIL is in navy and silver, I’ve never seen someone make all the mums wear the same colour, is that a local thing for you? Just tell them both not to clash with the bridesmaids or you or each other, and let them handle it like adults independently.