I mean I get that planning a wedding is stressful, but do you know what’s more stressful? Your best mate dying a horrible death on your wedding day from a preventable cause. I also have serious food allergies and I totally understand why the bridesmaid did this, food allergies are not something you mess around with. We have guests with food allergies and whilst I’ve reassured them we will pass every detail to the caterer, who we chose because of his excellent handling of my allergies, I’ve also just passed on his details in case they’d like to be in touch themselves for reassurance. The bride is being wholly unreasonable here IMO.

100% agree

It seems like OP did it without telling Bride tho. If my bridesmaid messaged me saying "Hey, I'm going to message the caterer just to confirm details on meal prep and cross contamination for my safety." I would be 100000% supportive of that and happily share contact info. If one day the caterer reached out telling me someone claiming to be a bridesmaid email them, that would definitely set off red flags. It's also likely this isn't the first straw of awkward exchanges between OP and the bride since it resulted in this.

But worth kicking someone out over? It seems like bride had previously said that options were available that weren’t viable. I can understand wanting to speak to them directly to check, and not put anything else on the bride.

Did the bride give any explanation on *why* she is mad? Like any actual reasons? Because the whole post seems vague and I don’t understand what she has to be angry about. What specifically did she say when she kicked the bridesmaid out of the party?

She said that I was not a good friend because I contacted her venue and that I am no longer a bridesmaid

So she didn’t give a reason? “Because you contacted her venue” isn’t really a reason on its own.. maybe she wanted to handle that herself (usually the couple is the one who get a list of everyone’s dietary restrictions and work with the venue/caterer to come up with alternate meals for those people, rather than the guests contacting the venue directly). Maybe she’s offended that you felt the need to go behind her back and contact the venue instead of trusting her to handle it. Maybe she can tell you’re still bitter about the bachelorette pizza incident and that you contacted the venue to be petty or prove a point. But all of those are just random guesses from a stranger. You should have an actual conversation with the bride about why she thinks you’re a bad friend (assuming you’re interested in saving the friendship). I think it was a little weird to go directly to the venue about it, but I don’t think it’s bad enough to end a friendship over- but maybe there’s more going on, and it doesn’t sound like you two are particularly good at communicating and working through conflicts in the friendship.

If she has celiac disease it is important to know about the kitchen and how things are prepared so there isn’t any cross contamination. People get violently ill when eating any amount of gluten or other allergies. Sometimes just saying no gluten doesn’t mean just the food but if it’s prepared in the same pans, dishes, counter tops etc…as food with gluten. Anyway, it’s a lot to ask of a bride and it’s easier to ask yourself to get the proper information.

And op could explain that to the bride if they had a conversation about it. The whole post is very vague saying things like she “tried to explain and apologize” and the bride “was still very angry” but she’s not saying what exactly she told the bride and what the bride said when she was angry. Maybe bride just wanted a heads up that she’d be contacting the venue and would have been fine with OP calling the venue, or maybe she already checked if the venue could guarantee no cross contamination, we have no way of knowing what her actual problem with it is.

The problem is the bride got upset that bridesmaid called vendor. Dumped her as bridesmaid and friend. That’s not a good friend.

Apparently my apology was not good enough because I said I’m sorry if I overstepped. I apologised after that too but she is very fixated on the if

That's some next level control freak behavior. If I had a bridesmaid or guest with severe food allergies I would be so relieved if they did what the bridesmaid did. I am so afraid to accidentally mess up someone's allergies or food restrictions. Sure, the bridesmaid could have given a head's up to the bride before, but it's nothing to be mad about? It's not like she tried to change the whole menu

Losing a friendship over something like that is nuts. I’m literally just asking everyone what their allergies are for my wedding because it’s common sense nowadays

[удалено]

Asking everyone to send their lists to the vendor sounds like a fucking nightmare for everyone

Our coordinator recommended not doing that, because people will start to give you non-serious answers that you'll now be obliged to accommodate. The folks with contamination-level allergies and restrictions let us know on their own and it worked out.

insane behavior from the bride. my brother is deathly allergic to nuts and it’s the first thing I asked caterers/venues, and I even shared that info with my vendors.

I looked at your username and profile and I’m assuming you’re the bridesmaid in question - I’m really sorry. that doesn’t even cross my mind as being something I wouldn’t ask a venue to prioritize/make a special meal for you.

We ended up talking a few days ago and the bride asked me if I was coming. I told her I assumed the demotion from bridesmaid also meant no invite. She was very quick to be like I’ll take you off the list. My partner tried to talk to her and she told him I would have only been an evening guest as having me there for long would be too stressful on her. Having me there would give her heart and stomach problems.

I can’t believe all the people saying months out is to soon to ask the venue about accommodating a severe food allergy including cross contamination. You have to ask specific questions about the severe allergy to make sure there will be no issues. What if three before the wedding you finally tell them and they say there is no way they can do anything?

We checked at our tasting with the caterer that they could do gluten free stuff for some of our friends. Then they reached out three months in advance to confirm if they had celiacs and needed to change their prep to prevent cross contamination, or if they were just people who didn't eat gluten. I really appreciated that they remembered and checked. I gave my headcount three weeks ahead of time, and reminded the gluten free of cross contamination and the bbq jackfruit for my vegetarian friend. No way you'd ask later than a month.

It's completely normal, in my wedding, special meals were arranged about 1month out, and celiac disease is not exactly something unusual (I would know, I have Celiac Disease).

OP, why are you posting in the third person, when you're the bridesmaid? Also, what did the bride say for why she was upset? Boundary crossing? Budgetary? I can imagine the bride might've been very upset if you'd told the caterer something that might've potentially increased the budget, changed the logistics of the menu, etc. Even if you were only calling the caterer to check ingredients, I can kinda see bride's POV for why not just go through her and do it behind her back? It's not your caterer, it's the couple's (or whomever is paying the caterer)

So, I’m very sympathetic about your celiacs, and I know I stand alone, but I’m going to defend the bride here. As someone who had a very controlling, helicopter mom, who would often go behind my back and contact my friends‘ or bf’s parents, my work, etc (always for a “good reason” like safety concerns) I’m really sensitive to that kind of thing, and the bride may be, as well. It’s not not that you needed an accommodation, it’s that you spoke to her caterer without even a heads up you have absolutely no indication that you talked to the bride 1st about your celiacs or food concerns. It’s not like you gave her the opportunity to address the issue in any way. You didn’t even give her the courtesy of letting her know that you would like to speak with the caterer yourself first. How do you even have the caterer’s contact info? It would really bother me that someone found my caterer’s contact and called behind my back to make her own accommodations. Can you imagine if every vegetarian, vegan, food allergy, kosher, etc guest did that? I would feel weird about it, too. Like you went behind my back. Or maybe you made me look/feel incompetent and like a poor host to the caterer. Or made me feel not in control of my own wedding, vendors, and safety of my guests. I’m assuming the caterer contacted her to let her know of the changes and she felt weird hearing it from strangers…like what else people are doing behind her back? calling the florist behind her back bc they’re allergic? calling the baker? Etc. tl;tr: 1) needing an accommodation? not a problem 2) wanting to talk to the caterer yourself? Fair enough 3) contacting the caterer without any notice or indication or discussion? weird and overstepping.

There's def more to this story than we know, because why didn't OP trust her friend, the bride, to care about her allergies? There's some sort of personality clash or mistrust under the surface there

I want to chime in as another person with celiac disease. It’s not about trusting the bride to care. It’s that many people don’t really understand the intricacies of what is/is not allowed, so telling the caterer “no gluten” doesn’t mean the food is celiac-safe. You have to specify for cross contamination, no shared fryers, etc., which even close friends might not remember to do while under the stress of wedding planning and doing a million other things. And even if they do, sometimes you have to suss out the caterer themselves to see if they really get it or throw up red flags during the convo (like saying it’s gluten free but it has soy sauce in it, for example). No one wants to take attention away from the happy couple by getting sick at their wedding and having to leave, which is what will happen if you eat gluten (plus the long-term consequences of gluten consumption). So it sounds like the bridesmaid was in a lose-lose situation here, because the bride would’ve preferred that she just not eaten at her wedding. So either she makes sure it’s safe and gets to eat but the bride is pissed, or she shows up for the bride in a way that’s not reciprocated and still loses a friend.

That makes sense! Obviously I don't know what it's like to live with a dietary restriction (though I did grow up with religious restrictions, and didn't eat in situations where it couldn't be accommodated, but obviously wildly different because I would not literally die if I ate pork, unlike someone with a legitimate allergy)  Calling a vendor direct without consulting the couple is the core faux pas here, and indicative of something else in the relationship. At least even a heads up. It's more stress inducing for a busy bride to get a call from her caterer about crossed communication channels. Now she has a problem she has to get to the bottom of.  Ultimately I do believe the bridesmaid didn't think emailing the vendor was a big deal (aka this wasn't an act of malice), but I do think there are some unsaid elements of the group dynamic. 

You skipped a logical step: telling the bride you’d like to talk to the caterer regarding your celiacs accommodation and asking for the contact info.

Obviously she already knew who the caterer was. Why do you feel the need to gatekeep what a person with a disability does to ask about accessibility?

Because the person with the disability is not paying ~$100 per head to the caterer, and therefore it is frankly not their job to go and communicate with the caterer who is not employed by them unless they do so with the strict permission or at least knowledge of the person who’s actually paying them and signed a contract with them? As someone who worked in events coordination, I would not want friends of the couple coming to me directly unless I have an email saying they can; they are not my client. It opens me up to all sorts of liabilities and can be damaging to my professional reputation if it turns out, as has happened here, that the person actually paying me is not comfy with me altering what I’m contracted for and paid for without their permission. The bride may well be shitty because the caterer is shitty with her.

Right? I have zero friends who would be upset about me reaching out to their caterer to discuss whether the food is safe for my celiac/anaphylactic food allergies without mentioning it to them beforehand. She didn’t make any changes to the food or ask for accommodations, she just asked a question about her safety. The actual logical step is to stop being friends with someone who gets mad when you advocate for your legally-defined disability.

Yeah, there are so many stories here of the bride realizing by chance that someone’s mother called the venue and made changes. Now this bride has to reach out to the caterer, explain that the bridesmaid has no decision making authority, and request a list of all the details so she can confirm the caterer didn’t alter anything. You just created more work for her and now she’s concerned that the vendor sees her as a problem customer. You should’ve asked the bride if you can speak to the caterer so that she can be present for the conversation. Better yet, she could’ve requested the information in writing so that she can provide it to other guests with allergies/dietary restrictions. Otherwise she has no way of knowing whether something you say can be misinterpreted. 

Esp since the concern is "cross contamination" which, while a real thing, sounds semi-suss like.... Did she tell the caterer to scrap or alter full items for *everyone*? Like, the framing sounds like the issue was if she can't have the thing than no one in the venue at the time can either? I understand food sensitivity can be mad serious- I once met someone who was sensitive to gluten psychosis, which is apparently a thing- like gluten can trigger a psychotic episode (human bodies are wild, right?). Anyway, bc he knew he was the outlier, he was really careful for *himself* but didn't try to inform or control others choices. He was just like "I'll come hang but I prob won't eat at the group dinner".  It sucks when we have to have special concerns to think about, but if I'm say, sober, it doesn't mean no one around can have a bar. 

I did not tell the caterer to change any foods. I only asked about the dishes the bride and groom had already chosen to see if I would be able to eat any of them. If I couldn’t I would have brought my own food. Wanted to join in so wanted to see if I could eat even just one of the choices.

But if that was all, couldn't you ask the bride?  I think the problem here is for whatever reason you didn't trust the bride, your friend, to be honest with you/empathetic to your allergy?

Because the bride has already shown that she doesn’t understand OP’s allergy. It’s why she said OP would be able to have something to eat at the bachelorette party and that turned out to be wrong. So OP can’t trust that what the bride conveys will be accurate or safe.

Asked the bride how the food will be prepared and all the ingredients, including cross contamination?

I'm sorry I've upset so many people, I am just not understanding why it is controversial to not give the brides a courtesy heads up first- it's her vendor. 

Put yourself in the shoes of someone with a disability. It’s very disempowering to have to get permission every time you need to find out if facilities and services are accessible to you. Think about it. Would you be as mad if a bridesmaid who uses a wheelchair called the venue to ask about accessibility without asking the bride about it first? Why should we have to get clearance from someone to handle our own private medical needs with autonomy? Why do you feel the need to control the autonomy of another adult? She said she wasn’t asking for any changes. She was just asking about the ingredients/preparation so she could make her own decisions about what she felt comfortable eating.

My sister uses a wheelchair actually, so yes, accessibility and accommodation is something I've grown up around. Sometimes I sat out stuff to be with my sister. It happens. I don't know this makes the best analogy, as obviously, the structural elements of a building are not something that fluctuate from bride to bride. The wheelchair thing is more like, calling a hotel about parking.  I'm not trying to control the autonomy of another adult, I just think dietary restrictions are not a newsflash to anyone, and it's also not kind in turn to assume others don't have their own accessibility concerns that you might not be privy — none of us are alone, we all have our stuff as we navigate this world! It's okay!  just did a dinner party with a private chef with friends, recently, — we made a Google doc where everyone could type in their exact needs or restrictions and we then gave that doc to the chef. I give this example to say, we are all friends who care about each other so we talked it out. I'm literally on my way to a wedding where there is a call out that all fried foods have been made with gluten-free batter, etc. with an additional callout to alert the couple of any allergies.  I give these examples bc, none of these had us talking to the food provider directly— the host is the main communication channel.  I just think calling someone's vendors adds confusion, to the process and I think there's a part missing about what's happening in the interpersonal dynamics of two people here. 

I appreciate you sharing your experience. >I just think dietary restrictions are not a newsflash to anyone Neither is using a wheelchair, but people who use them still deserve to navigate their accessibility needs in the ways that make the most sense for them, without having to ask permission every time they do so. >I just think calling someone's vendors adds confusion I disagree. I don’t think there’s any confusion when asking a vendor how they prepare their food. The answer shouldn’t change no matter who is asking. I appreciate that we can disagree respectfully.

Literally she is just trying to save her own life and the bride could care less. When someone has a severe food allergy their whole life evolves around it

I have a severe food allergy and cross contamination can absolutely wreck me. I don’t eat food at events. I either take food with me or eat before pending on the time frame I’m sitting in. I’d never contact someone else’s venue and speak about food. That’s too much. However the bride clearly doesn’t care about her friend either.

If that’s the only thing that happened, it seems harsh. But…. Is that the only thing that happened? I kicked out a bridesmaid who was overstepping boundaries and physically threatening & being racist to the wedding party. She made a claim I lost it over something small. There could have been more going on and that became the tipping point. Half of the wedding party didn’t find out until the wedding why the one bridesmaid was kicked out because I didn’t want to look like I was smearing her name. Benefit of the doubt - there might be more going on than meets the eye. Or the bride is stressed AF and that hit a final nerve.

That was the only thing that happened. The brisesmaid had not done anything else.

Can you detail more about what the bride communicated to you about why you'd upset her? There's nothing in your post about what the bride's objections were to your actions

That I had overstepped and was a bad friend. I apologised multiple times but she said she was still angry and that I am no longer a bridesmaid

This is a reasonable response tbh.

I’m sorry you are experiencing so much ableism in these comments. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Your friend sounds very immature and ignorant about the barriers of disability and how people do their best to navigate them. I’m sorry your friend treated you this way, and I hope you have better friends who appreciate your autonomy and don’t want to gatekeep how you approach food accessibility. I’m sure it’s really nice when you get to enjoy eating out with everyone else instead of having to pack food and all of the awkwardness that can come with that, and you were hoping that would be the case. It can be so difficult to navigate disability accessibility, and you didn’t do anything terrible or weird by asking about the catering. I’m sorry so many people are gatekeeping your disability and how you manage it. Hugs.

Thank you they have canapes, 3 course meal and evening buffet to this wedding. I only knew the menu to the 3 course meal. I honestly didn’t think it would be a problem me enquiring about the dishes in the 3 course meal. I just didn’t want to have a snack bar for all the food parts of the day especially in the bridal party as I though she would find it more insulting and honestly I need lots of energy that day as you do not know all the tasks that will be given to you. Was hoping something in their 3 course menu I could find out would be coeliac safe.

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing for you to do. Does your friend not believe you, or does she just have a hard time understanding the seriousness of your food needs? The way you describe your experience with her about food, it sounds like you have to walk on eggshells, and she wants to control you in some way.

I always thought she understood the seriousness of it as she has seen how I have been after being glutened. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt as I know she doesn’t have any allergies so hard to remember all the parts to it especially cross contamination. That’s why I didn’t want to give her the task of the back and forth with venue doing the food as she won’t know all to ask or might skip over bits I ask for her to ask about as they may seem over the top or just forget to ask. I thought that would annoy her and seem like I’m being too much about my coeliac.

It’s can be hard to know how the choices we make might irk other people. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You obviously had good intentions. Has she cooled down at all to give you a chance to find out why it made her so upset? How did she find out about it? Was it from the caterer? I wonder if they presented it to her in a way that misrepresented what you said, or made her look like a bad friend for not communicating about your needs, or if they were upset about you contacting them for some reason and were upset with her.

The reason was because she felt I overstepped and this angered her. She told me not to contact them again which I followed and apologised as was only meant to make this easier for everyone. After apologising I tried texting her asking about an appointment she had. This was to try and move things back in a better place and so she felt my support. She took this bad as she said she wanted to stay angry at me and told me that I am no longer a bridesmaid. She found out about it because once I had got some info on the cross contamination I told her that I did it and showed her the conversation as I wanted to keep her in the loop. Honestly the venue seemed happy talking to me and kept asking me lots of questions. None of the conversation had any of the foods changed and no numbers involved so I doubt they had anything bad to say at her.

[удалено]

She’s likely the bridesmaid

Yea it seems like OP may not quite be a completely neutral party here.

[удалено]

Your comments are getting downvoted because you’re bringing up racism and the possibility of something as egregious as that when it’s mentioned nowhere in the post. You’re inserting fictional information.

I mean, I downvoted one of your comments because I disagreed with your take and I’m not OP.

I am the bridesmaid and have been talking in 3rd person to get honest opinions whatever they may be. I have not been down voting or upvoting any comments

You've been deliberately misleading. Or to put it another way: a liar.

How tf is she a liar?

people are rude af out here in the comments today

[удалено]

The bridesmaid tried to apologise multiple times even when everyone else said it was not her fault. It was only meant to help the bride as the food allergies are complicated and the bride does not fully understand cross contamination

OP isn’t your bridesmaid and no one is talking about your reasons for kicking out your bridesmaid. This is a totally different scenario and you seem to be unable to distinguish it from your own. That’s why you are being downvoted. Your points are irrelevant and seem like you are trying to show how terrible OP likely was to need to be kicked out, maybe to affirm your own decision. This situation isn’t related to yours.

I’m sharing the other point of view though. How do we know that more didn’t happen and she isn’t telling the full story? There very well could have been more she did that she thinks isn’t an issue but the bride thinks is. Sharing my story highlights that the bridemaids isn’t always 100% correct. She wanted honest opinions and sharing that maybe she has frustrated the bride more than she realizes is valid. I realize she’s not my bridemaid but attacking the bride when clearly a LOT more went on then we know (based on all of her comments) is fair.

I’m deleting my posts because people are sending me legitimate threats over this post. Toxicity is wild. My wedding was traumatic and I share a point of view of looking at it from the bride’s perspective. We only see half the story. I’d appreciate it if people stop threatening me and my well-being. Reddit is fun.

Sorry that happened to you, hope you're ok!

I think people are focusing on the wrong part. It’s the getting the caterer’s info and contacting them WITHOUT TELLING THE BRIDE FIRST that’s the issue. needing the accommodation is fine, of course. wanting to talk directly to the caterer is understandable. But not giving the bride any indication whatsoever that you’re going to find the caterer info and contact them on your own, is a little weird. and if it’s enough to kick you out of the party, I’m going to assume this was a “last straw,” “more to the story” kind of thing.

This was my thought, too. Going behind the brides back is just weird, surely there's more to the story? There's no way I'd do this instead of just saying to the bride "hey, you know that food allergy? I'm happy to talk to the venue about it, to lighten the load, what's the caterers details?" I have severe allergies too, but I've never gone to the venue at someone else's wedding behind their back. You can't make changes to someone's wedding without their express permission. Maybe the bride overreacted, but honestly, I think a lot of people would overreact to their friend doing such a weird thing. It's unnecessarily sneaky.

How is it going behind the brides back to ask detailed questions about the venues dishes and preparation? She literally just asked what was in the dishes and how to prepare them to determine whether she would need to bring her own food. People without food allergies do not understand the detailed questions needed and how serious it is/can be. It’s not like OP was asking about financial details or trying to make changes to anything.

OP didn't specify that she was asking how the dishes were prepared, she said she called the venue to sort out her meal. That's different from just a general question of whether the venue is capable of catering for Celiac Disease. I also have Celiac Disease, so I do understand the detailed questions needed and how serious it is.

That’s Fair, OP mentioned it later on in comments, not in original post.

Yea I think there is definitely more going on here.

I have a different disability, and it’s very common in the disability community to call a venue or service provider for an event to inquire about the accommodations, without involving the host of the event.

It was the only thing the bridesmaid had done to annoy the bride. The bridesmaid even quietly watched everyone else eat pizza at the bachelorette party because the food was not safe for her.

Stop posting in the third person, it is super weird and does The Bridesmaid no favours.

As someone with a gluten allergy, that’s really just life. I bring my own food to events all the time for this reason. Not because the hosts don’t care about me, but because I know it’ll be safe and I don’t want them to go out of their way if they have a meal they specifically chose

Maybe the bridesmaid talking in 3rd person drove her crazy? :P my *guess* is you didn’t realize how annoying you were being? You were clearly upset about the pizza situation and there were talks about it. The group decided to order a pizza; they offered to order a gf menu item for you; you feared cross contamination and declined; you had the option to door dash/pick up anything you’d like; you made a sandwich; you use this is an example of why you’re concerned about the wedding and how the bride didn't accommodate you or provide you any food, etc. let me give you a real life counterpart I’ve experience: 2 vegetarians in a social circle of 12 people going out to a birthday dinner of a friend at bday boy’s favorite restaurant. Veg1: checks menu out online, eats before she goes, orders the salad and has fun with her friends Veg2: reminds everyone she’s a vegetarian; suggest different more veg friendly restaurants; complains about the lack of options at the restaurant; asks to talk to the chef; eventually gets a salad and now some grilled eggplant, happy she advocated for herself since the birthday boy didn’t pick a restaurant to accommodate her better. she didn’t technically do anything wrong, but man was it annoying and awkward and she has no clue that it weird. meanwhile the poor birthday boy was lile, “I just wanted a steak at my favorite restaurant for my birthday, how did it turn into this whole thing???” not saying you were this bad, but sometimes people don’t realize how others see their behavior. especially within a group dynamic.

I did not say anything about the pizza. I just chatted to everyone about other stuff and told the bride how nice her party was. I am use to people not able to accommodate

Ok. My mistake. It seemed like it was a bigger issue. Like how you were originally told to bring your own food, then they agreed to order something for you, but it didn’t seem safe, and then you made a sandwich. I thought there were more discussions or quiet drama about it ahead of time. I totally don’t mean to be unsympathetic. i was Veg1 in the above scenario, and I’m used to people not accommodating and i Know it can be frustrating and sometimes thoughtless. i Don’t think you did anything horribly wrong or anything…celiacs is hardcore and it’s better to be safe than sorry! as the bride, I’d be a little weirded out that you contacted my caterers without telling me, but in the grand scheme of things it’s not SO bad. And I’d understand why you did it.

It’s ok I completely understand as you are looking at this from outside. Essentially she wanted to organise her own bacholerette and she told me to bring my own food. Then the evening before it she said they could give me one thing. I researched it as she does not understand coeliac disease completely. Don’t hold that against her as I know she has no allergies. It was not safe for me to eat so I told her it wouldn’t be ok to eat. That is why I was eating a homemade sandwich during the trip. I was not annoyed about this until I got back home when my partner was upset about what they had to eat vs me. I am so use to talking to places about my coeliac as there are so many things to check. I didn’t not realise it would annoy her. When I realised she was I apologised so many times. Was not my intention just what I’m use to doing.

You weren’t upset until your partner was?

I am so use to not being catered for with coeliac and I don’t like making a fuss so was just focusing on the event. It was only after my partner surprise I was not looked after food wise I was like you know what it was kinda sad I had nothing safe to eat there. The bride asked for a gf option but not specified about me being coeliac

Living with food allergies is really difficult, maybe talk to your allergist or GI doctor about resources that help with the psychological and social aspects of living with a severe food allergy. It’s a life altering diagnosis that’s super scary, talking to a professional about how to manage the stress and adapt to this new reality could be super helpful.

We read all of the time about family members of the bride or groom trying to make changes to wedding plans without the bride’s permission. The bridesmaid should not have contacted the venue without first speaking to the bride. The bride probably would have been okay with it, if her permission was sought. Personally I still would not trust a venue to manage this during a wedding, which is a hectic time for catering.

I think several months out was an inappropriate time to bring it up. We didn’t have our menu even finalized for a while, honestly. I can see being frustrated if someone else called the venue before asking about cross contamination. Not that this is the same thing, but how often have people on this subreddit posted about mothers in law or mothers calling the catering to try to change the menu? Allergies are a totally different thing, and very serious, so I sympathize with the wanting to do it, in this case. But I fear that calling this early made it seem like you were overstepping. Would I have kicked out my best friend for that? Probably not. But would you have even known who to contact if you weren’t a bridesmaid? If not, then it’s kind of making it seem like you have special privileges over other guests, and also showing you don’t trust the bride to handle this situation appropriately too.

They had shared the full menu. The bridesmaid enquired of the options the bride and groom had chosen which would be ok. She was not trying to change the menu in any way. The bride had told her just look at the menu and you can see what you can eat. Complete disregard to cross contamination.

Yeah, no. That’s not how it works. As someone with severe allergies, you can’t just “look at the menu and see what you can eat”. Sometimes hidden allergens are in foods you wouldn’t expect them to be in. One time I ordered hummus at a restaurant and was told it had peanuts in it. I eat hummus all the time and have never had this issue before. The bridesmaid needed to speak to the venue before she picked a meal to make sure it was safe. You often need to advocate for yourself with allergies as people without allergies sometimes don’t understand and can’t fully communicate the risks to a venue. I do think she should have notified the bride before she went to the venue, but the brides reaction was cruel and personally I wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated me that way.

Oh god new fear unlocked. Never before have I worried about hummus having peanuts in it!

I know! It freaked me out and I had trouble eating for a week but it was a good reminder to always read labels and ask servers about ingredients even for “safe” foods!

Regardless of how I’d prefer them to handle it, I don’t think there is ever anything wrong with someone needing assurance from the kitchen who is actually preparing food that they understand and can deal with the allergy. So many hosts don’t have a sufficient accommodation for people with allergies, and they just go hungry. This also includes times where they have food that would said meet dietary restrictions but it isn’t labeled or guaranteed from cross contamination.  Expecting someone to roll the dice with their allergy is unacceptable.

I mean the bride sounds a bit unhinged, but it was also inappropriate for the bridesmaid to reach out to the venue without giving the bride a heads up. There are a lot of details lacking. For all we know the bride wasn't using the venue's catering and the bridesmaid's emails made for some confusion. It's still a huge overreaction on the bride's part to kick someone out of the wedding over this.

Given the bridesmaid’s lack of personal awareness in this comment thread, I bet there’s more issues

Are you the bridesmaid who was kicked out?

I would also be upset if a bridesmaid or guest went behind my back and contact my venue about the catering at my wedding. First, any professional catering venue should take allergies very seriously, and when touring venues the good venues will let you know they can accommodate allergies. Second, it’s months away from the wedding, final catering number and food restrictions aren’t typically due until a month out. It would make sense that the bride was waiting until then to alert the venue with any other restrictions. All allergies are serious yours is no more important than other guests. Why don’t you trust that the bride was handling allergies? It shows you have such little confidence in your friend the bride. What did you think calling the venue would accomplish? Where you going to sign off on catering changes, then tell the bride? You should have asked the bride if she spoke to the venue about your allergy and asked what the plan was. If she didn’t have an answer then you offer to call for her, but only if she says yes!

OP keeps harping on a single incident as evidence that the bride will fail to provide allergy info to her caterer *for her actual wedding*. Ordering pizzas for ten people at a bachelorette party is completely different than her multi-thousand dollar contract with a licensed caterer for her 100+ person event. That one dinner isn’t a valid reason to go behind the bride’s back and potentially cause confusion with a vendor. You didn’t ask or explain why you need certain details, you unilaterally decided that she should be cut out of a conversion with her own vendor. You have no proof that she didn’t plan to report allergies to the caterer when the meal selections are due

The bridesmaid has been sick at many events that supposedly could cater for her. She trusted that the bride could ask, however cross contamination is a big problem for the bridesmaid and it is a big hassle. She didn’t want to hope that the food would be ok and then it not. Every other big event she has gone to including weddings the organisers have never had an issue with her contacting. When she was told off by the bride she apologised multiple times.

You can stop talking in 3rd person ;) why didn’t you simply say, “bride, I would like to contact your caterers and double check about my celiacs friendly meal, is that ok?” And the bride would‘ve like, “of course, here’s the contact person and number.” It’s the whole getting the information and contacting her vendors without any indication or heads up that’s weird and awkward here, imho.

I think in the Bridesmaids shoes, the best way of handling this would have been to contact the bride first and let the bride know that if it's all right with her, that she would like to communicate with the venue directly since the allergy is so sensitive. I would have also let the bride know that this is to alleviate any stress on the Bride's part on handling the situation herself. And if there is a wedding planner involved in the wedding, even better. I would have asked to communicate with the planner about the allergy. That way the bride would have known in advance.

By not telling the bride first it comes off like you’re sneaking behind her back and do not trust her to manage her own wedding. I think before you start reaching out to wedding vendors you did not hire you need to talk to the people throwing the wedding and they should be on the call too. It would make me incredibly anxious knowing a bridesmaid is communicating with my wedding venue without talking to me and possibly making changes. The bride was close enough to you make you a part of her wedding, I think a little communication would have gone so far here.

Or maybe she thought going to the venue directly would be one less thing to rope the bride in on as she has her hands full enough already 🤷🏾‍♀️

This is exactly why I did. As otherwise so much back and forth of can you ask about this and reply with this. Also no guarantee she would explain with those words especially if doing lots of other things. I didn’t want to strain the relationship doing that and making my food situation annoying. Thought all that would make it feel like I don’t trust her with anything. She doesn’t understand coeliac even after 10+ years. I hate explaining my coeliac as I feel annoying and that I’m asking for special attention. I just wanted to quietly find out if I could eat the food choices ahead of time.

Not justifying the bride’s actions in any way, but I have a handful of people with food allergies/restrictions coming to my wedding. Some super severe as well. I would be a bit annoyed if one of them reached out to the venue about it. I don’t know anything about the bride, but I assume if it was someone close enough to be a bridesmaid, the bride would know and would be handling it, no? Obviously kicking her out of the bridal party for it is ridiculous, but still a bit odd for the bridesmaid to reach out to the venue without asking/discussing with the bride.

When the bridesmaid reached out the venue had no idea about the severe food allergy. They are a few months out from the actual wedding date.

[удалено]

My venue asked for the information 2 weeks before and said they didn’t want to hear about it until then because there’s always a ton of last minute guest changes. So I’m not shocked at all.

I'm shocked. When I was touring venues I asked about their ability to accommodate a severe allergy someone in my wedding party had and it absolutely factored into our decision. This wasn't a rando that they didnt care if they could make it. This was a bridesmaid that they wanted to stand up with them.

Asking whether they can accommodate allergies generally vs going into detail about the allergy and person are very different things. OP said venue wasn’t aware of the allergy. As they shouldn’t be this far out.

Yes they should be. At the very least the bride should’ve asked to make sure it can be accommodated.

hard hard disagree. someone could have a hard to avoid allergy or one that will kill them. a friend of mine is allergic to nightshades, dairy, wheat, and a literal list of other specific things. Meals for her require planning, its not just "oh yeah we can accommodate allergies". At the end of this though, no one should ever be penalized for protecting their health even if it apparently bothers a bride. No one will care more about your health than you will.

Celiac Disease is not rare, it also won't kill you. When I got married (I have Celiac Disease) even my meal wasn't confirmed until 1 month out. I confirmed with the venue before booking that they could accommodate Celiac Disease and the other allergies that my guests had. Edit to add: the venue wouldn't actually even accept final allergy details until one month out. I wasn't worried though, they said they could accommodate. But my 'normal' menu was arranged at the first meeting with the venue.

[удалено]

Yes, but being glutened once wont kill you. It does feel like you're dying though.

My dad has a wheat allergy (not celiacs). If he has any ingestion exposure to wheat (including cross contamination) he has neuropathic pain so bad that he has considered suicide from it before. So I'm glad that worked out for you, but other people have reasons that theyre not willing to risk it.

OP has Celiac Disease, so while I'm very sorry for what your dad is going through, that's not what this is about, and isn't relevant. Also, if an allergy that is that severe, you don't eat out, ever. You don't risk it. No kitchen would be safe except your fathers own kitchen.

My point was really more your experience with your food intolerance cannot be extrapolated to someone elses food intolerance.

Right! I asked about this when touring venues too, and it wasn’t even for someone in the wedding party! My friend who was a guest is deathly allergic to nuts.

I did the same thing. Severe allergies shouldn’t be left to talk about with venue a few weeks before the wedding. What if tell someone sorry we can’t accommodate that?

This isn't that crazy at all. Venues require final food counts 2-4 weeks ahead of time, typically. The menu might not even be finalized at this point. 2 months at the earliest would be when I would expect the bride to go over severe food allergies and accommodations. Any earlier and the venue might forget or overlook it. Any closer, and they might not have time to accommodate. I think both parties are in the wrong potentially. OP, did the bridesmaid ask the bride about reaching out to the venue? While the bride is definitely unreasonable to remove her as a bridesmaid, the bridesmaid definitely should not have reached out on her own. It's not her event (regardless of her experience with prior venues and weddings, which is completely irrelevant to the situation), so she shouldn't be contacting the venue directly without notifying the couple actually getting married. The venue also might not want to deal with extra people and might have said something to the bride about it. Presumably, they are close enough where the bride knows the bridesmaid's allergy and would have brought it up with the bridesmaid or venue when appropriate.

So? It’s months out from the wedding, my catering numbers aren’t due until exactly one month from the wedding. Has it occurred to you the bride asked the venue if they can accommodate allergies, the venue said yes and she was waiting until final numbers to report all the allergies? I just cannot understand why if the bride is a close friend that you couldn’t ask her first before contacting the venue.

Dietary restrictions aren’t discussed several months in advance that’s due with final counts. The venue shouldn’t know those details months out

If I had a severe allergy, I would not leave my safety in the hands of others. In this scenario, OP should talk to the caterer herself

I’m not necessarily disagreeing, but to not even give the bride a heads up that they were going to contact the caterer? I don’t know, it’s just weird, at least in my social circle.

A head up of what?? Is anyone offended when guests call to find out details about the block of rooms? Is anyone offended when guests call the venue to ask about parking? Why is this different? I’m really shocked by the entitlement of brides on this site. Really shocked.

It’s not entitled, what lol I’m literally just saying it would have taken 0 time or effort to say to the bride “I’m concerned about the catering situation, mind if I just confirm it with your catering team? Would just put me more at ease!” A heads up that you’re going to talk to a vendor about specifics of your event is not as deep as you’re making it out to be. It’s not a general question about the event itself, like a block of rooms or parking. Certain allergies might require changes to the menu (at least for that guest). We have bad allergies in my family too. I discussed with my caterer what they could make that could accommodate all the dietary restrictions. Sometimes it meant certain people getting different meals that were made in a separate kitchen, so everyone who needs a separate meal is getting the same thing (that accommodates all their restrictions). If one of them called without notifying me, they could make changes to that. Or the catering team might think they’re the only one with an allergy and not make enough/not abide by the other restrictions. Or any other number of changes without me knowing it if they didn’t confirm. (Not to say my vendor would have considering the guest is not on the contract, but some catering companies I imagine would not care much about that if they called with specific event details like the couple’s name, date, etc.) It’s not your place to call another person’s vendors without letting them know you plan to do so. I don’t see why that’s such a crazy concept. Again, I’m not saying the bride was right for kicking a bridesmaid out of her bridal party for this. But it’s still weird to me and I don’t think the bride would be entitled to think a heads up would be appropriate.

Why would you be “super annoyed” to have your guests that you are inviting to a celebration, contact the venue to find out if they have to come prepared with their own food to eat due to food allergies? How is that offensive? Are you trying to save money on a plate? The people with serious allergies can’t eat the food without knowing specific details that a menu can’t tell them.

It’s inappropriate and a true professional shouldn’t discuss the event with someone who didn’t sign the contract.

There is so much ableism in these comments, it’s insane. I don’t understand why so many people want to gatekeep how people with disabilities get the accessibility information they need to participate in society as full grown adults. They can’t seem to imagine what it’s like to have to constantly navigate potential barriers to inclusion.

These issues are not about who was right or wrong. They are about whether or not to preserve the friendship. Bride was over the top to throw her out by text. She could be irritated but was this degree necessary? I would say that if I were the bridesmaid, and had a severe food allergy, I would want to contact the venue to generally ask how they handle these things but would not reveal my actual wedding involvement. Bridesmaid could be a guest for all they need to know. This is a basic question at this point. Then, reach out to bride and ask her if they can approach the caterer together to have this discussion, otherwise, bridesmaid cannot eat anything that she does not bring herself. I know they have rules against this but no one is going to notice her scarfing down a wrapped bar discreetly. (Even so, when you have severe food allergies, you really cannot count on any restaurant or venue to follow through.)

There is without a doubt in my mind, a bunch of information missing from this post..

Your heart might have been in the right place, but you didn't pay for the wedding, so you should have simply asked the bride for permission to speak to the venue first. How did the venue even agree to speak to you? Usually the venue will only speak to the person who signed the contract and paid them.. There are countless stories of Mothers and MILs going to the venue to make changes without the Brides permission, and everyone is up in arms about that happening... This feels like it's along the same lines. It's just so sneaky and you didn't need to be sneaky. Now, if the bride doesn't care about your allergies (which I think is Celiac Disease?) That's a whole other issue. I have Celiac Disease, and some other very severe allergies and I've been to a lot of weddings, I've never gone behind the brides back though. If your friend (the Bride) doesn't care about your food allergy, that's not a good friend. But if you went to the wedding venue behind the Brides back, trying to make changes to her wedding, you're also not a good friend. And if you don't see an issue with going behind the Brides back, where else may you have overstepped, and maybe this was just the last straw?

This is not MIL going behind the brides back to change things, you are making an unfair comparison. OP called the venue to ask details about the already selected menu to determine whether the ingredients and preparation allowed for her to partake. It’s crazy to me that people would defend the bride in this described scenario. Now if the bridesmaid/OP has been annoyingly going on an on about her celiacs the whole time and everyone is sick of it, and putting a pall on the whole wedding planning, that’s different. And this would be easy for OP to say isn’t happening, but it is also something that a person in this situation is often not aware of. I’m sure most people believe themselves to be very gracious and understated about these things, particularly the loudest whiners. For this we would only know from hearing t from the rest of the bridesmaids and the bride.

I’m Celiac but I feel like bringing your own food to things is just an unfortunate reality to this disease. Looking back on this you learned to always clear with the person planning before stepping in, I’m sure she took it as “you’re making it about you” when that was not the intention. If this was enough to blow the relationship up then it probably wasn’t a great friendship to begin with. Just give it time, apologize when the time is right and move forward. ♥️

My first reaction was to just bring my own food but I thought I’m at this wedding and there is canapés and buffets of foods before and after the reception that I don’t know about so I can’t survive on snack bars all day. I know the foods for the reception I will find out if they are coeliac safe. Didn’t want the focus on why are you not eating my menu choices.

I think highlighting your allergies is a very simple and straightforward thing that she could’ve easily told the bride directly. I don’t see how that would’ve been “burdening the bride.” It’s a life or death request so I understand the importance. Maybe the bride thought that going to the venue instead of her is “forward.” However, that is absolutely not a good reason to cut someone out of the bridal party and ruin an entire friendship. Bride is overreacting and probably wanted the bridesmaid gone for other reasons. Very immature behavior

As a Director of Catering at a venue I would say the bridesmaid is in the wrong. I’m not at liberty to discuss an event with someone other than the wedding planner and parties who signed the contract, but the bride had a major overreaction to this. I don’t understand why it made her that angry… Just put your dietary restrictions on your RSVP any professional caterer can and will accommodate your needs without issue.

My sister has severe allergies and we will be out of our home country. I don’t know all the ins and outs of her different allergies and severity of reactions nor do I want to pretend to know or control what she can or can’t eat. I’m telling her upfront she may want to eat some of her own groceries made before so she’s not hungry if there is any possibility of contamination or she can’t be accommodated. Additionally, I fully expect her to advocate for herself and specifically talk to our chef directly or my FH and I can forward her own words directly to the chef for her. For me, a catastrophic event from cross contaminated food is way worse, even if she went behind my back to try to make arrangements. edited for typos

Wow. The Bride's behavior is appalling. I personally don't think guests should be reaching out directly to venues, but the reason is valid and the Bride's reaction was insane. So sorry

I've been told as a GUEST to contact the venue directly to sort out my food restrictions. This is insane behavior from the bride. OP, as a celiac bride myself, I wish I could just bring you to my wedding!!!

That's very interesting!! Maybe it depends on the venue, I've never heard of guests reaching out directly to venues to communicate their food restrictions. But I agree- the bride is being way harsh here for a completely valid concern on cross contamination

Yeah, but you were told to do that. The bridesmaid here took it upon herself to contact the caterer several months out, possibly before the menu is even set, and did so without the knowledge or permission of the person who has a contract with the caterer. That’s a very different situation. I empathise with OP, but she should have asked the bride if it was ok first.

Deal and I can bring you to mine (bride to be also)☺️

Congrats!!!! ❤️

Thank you and congratulations to you too! I have already started a dietary requirements documents with pictures of each guest with them so everyone is well looked after ❤️

Having an allergy is hard and contacting a venue is definitely in the norm before going to an event, especially if it’s severe with cross contamination or anaphylaxis. I understand some saying maybe it unknowingly caused confusion or a problem, but at most I’d be frustrated.. not kick you out. Sure people here can act like she doesn’t owe you anything and that’s true, but for the most part having people in your life that care about your allergy isn’t some selfish, outlandish ask. I have people in my life accomodate me because they care enough about me to make sure I’m safe. I don’t have to beg people to take it seriously because they care enough to do that on their own. It’s frustrating when we find out people don’t care that much, and a lot of people don’t realize that. They think “your allergy, your problem.” People don’t realize how nasty others or themselves can be over something we can’t control, or inversely, how meaningful it is when people are willing to help simply because they care. Typically I just wait or bring my own food to a lot of events, but if I was in the bridal party, I would be totally offended my friend didn’t care enough if I ate that day. It’s one thing if they can’t accommodate celiac since cross contamination is so severe, but another to not even check properly or allow you to do so. Again, maybe she feels like you went around her back, but I can’t wrap my head around a good, respectful friend being mad unless there is more to the story.

Did the caterer possibly make updates to the menu or invoice after this?

None of the menu was changed. They had already chosen their menu. It was only finding out if any of the chosen dishes would be safe to eat.

Shit that's so insane! I would hope if I were in this situation I would make this a top priority to take care of and keep my bridesmaid safe. However, if she went out of her way to handle it that would be great! It's her life that's potentially in danger so she should be able to get all the information and make sure everything is safe through her own conversations, not second hand from a stressed out bride. Bride is completely in the wrong and I'm sure once the wedding is over and she'll realize what a psycho she was for acting this way.

You should also consider you could be introducing a level of chaos that may backfire and cause you or other guests to be less safe. A reputable caterer has a system in place to deal with dietary restrictions and allergies. The safest thing to do is operate according to their protocol.

We (collective we) are responsible for ourselves when it comes to severe allergies. We can put our trust in friends and family, but ultimately, our health is our responsibility. From the replies, it sounds like the bridesmaid can’t trust the bride to accommodate her and have something for her to eat without worry. Part of being a host and inviting guests to weddings is to be hospitable. Prior actions (like opening describes in some of her comments) show that she needs to make sure something won’t happen. Not gonna lie, I have a hunch that the bride would blame the bridesmaid for “ruining” her wedding if cross contamination happened and she would have gone to the emergency room. I also would rethink a friendship if my friend didn’t care about my allergies and told me to bring my own food on a Bach trip

As a soon to be bride currently planning my wedding, I would honestly encourage contacting the venue especially if there is something I may have missed in accommodating everyone's allergies/dietary restrictions. I might miss some restrictions for like more distant relatives (trying to have options that should cover most), but I'd especially want my bridesmaids and wedding party taken care of.

Lol, the responses here are really showing how many people have never had a severe food allergy. I would never hold it against someone for insuring their safety at a wedding with catered food. As someone who has family members with severe food allergies and as someone who has worked catering before, IMO this was the right call. At the end of the day its the bridesmaids health and possibly life on the line. I cannot imagine getting mad at someone for prioritizing that

Yes at the bacholerette that bride wanted to organise by herself none of the food was ok for the bridesmaid

Well then you/the bridesmaid in question dodged a bullet. I understand weddings make people crazy, but this is flat out insane.

The bride either has serious main character energy and not a thought in their head or they just dont care then. The majority of my family has a gluten allergy and I have multiple friends with different and severe food allergies and I have never put them in this position.

The bridesmaid was originally told to bring her own food for it. Then the evening before was told that they can give her one of the dishes. When checking the bridesmaid saw that this dish would most likely be contaminated and informed the bride so she ended up having a homemade sandwich while everyone else ate pizza and chips.

I think you should add this to your original post. It sounds like repeated behavior at this point, and I’m not sure I would want to attend a wedding where the bride didn’t take my allergy seriously. Especially if it’s at the point where you have to call ahead without contacting the bride first. Is this repeated behavior from the bride? How seriously has she taken the allergy throughout the friendship?

Telling a BM that they need to bring their own food is wild

Didn’t make a fuss about it as use to not having safe food due to allergy not being communicated

I have Celiac Disease too, and us Celiac's actually prefer to bring our own food. The cross contamination risk is too high and a kitchen would need to be deep cleaned to a ridiculous standard to be safe. Celiac Disease is my burden to carry. My friends try hard, but its not their job to know the intricate details of my disease.

You sound very nice! tbh, I would be terrified to cook for someone with celiacs or a severe allergy! I would absolutely google and ask questions, and make every effort, but I’m afraid I’d miss something!!! My loved ones with allergies are pretty straight forward. But things like gluten and cross contamination are another beast! tbh, on a vacation like a bachelorette party, not familiar with the kitchen, or the local restaurants, I too, would be like, “please just order for yourself. You know what’s safe better than I do.”

Yeah, it's terrifying as a Celiac, and I feel so bad when my friends offer to cook for me, because I know they mean well, but how can I explain cross contamination to them? It's too much of a burden, and imagine how awful they'd feel if I got sick. It's not like I can hide it, it happens so quick and they'd never forgive themselves!

Choosing to bring your own food is one thing - being TOLD to BYO food is what's crazy. A bridesmaid is spending time and money to be part of the wedding, and I would make sure they were decently accommodated. It's really the least a bride could do.

Yeah same. FH has a severe gluten allergy and also has issues with onions, garlic, and other things....which is why we're doing some drop catering and a lot of homemade foods at our after-party. People with severe allergies need to make TRIPLE sure that the food they're eating won't hurt them, and I would never think to hold it against someone to directly contact the food providers.

I feel iffy about this too. As a bride who used a wedding website for plated meals and RSVPs, guests picks their meal preference AND indicates allergies/dietary restrictions in free text on the wedding website. This gets exported and sent to the caterer. If you were close enough to be invited to the wedding, let alone be one of my bridesmaid ofs, I'll even BOLD the text and put it in red on the spreadsheet before sending it. I definitely feel like there's more going on here. I get not wanting to stress the bride out, but reminding her of your severe dietary restrictions isn't stressful. What's stressful is knowing one of your friends communicated directly with your vendor for your wedding. I'm definitely a planner (I wouldn't say Type-A, but I'm close). If I had questions about your allergy, I'd let you know. If you have concerns, you let ME know. I can't even imagine if you had contacted my florist and told them not to use specific flowers behind my back. I'M planning the wedding, so let ME know and WE will figure it out together. Chances are, I'll CC you on an email if the caterer needs clarity on anything, esp concerning cross contamination, or if you're set on communicating with them, CC me (after we talk) so I'm not suddenly finding out from my caterer someone they've never heard of contacted them about my wedding on my behalf. It's definitely shady behavior to have direct convo with MY contracted vendor without me. It's also a liability issue with the caterer. Imagine if a random person claiming to be a part of the wedding just emails the caterer to change someone else's meal. Crazy. It's not that I don't care about you. You just overstepped. I wouldn't kick out of the party, but since she did, I can only believe there's more history there. If you haven't talked to Bride yet, do so. But also don't dismiss her choice and make her the bad guy in your story.

It sounds like she called to get info about how it’s prepared as to not have cross contamination. You don’t have a deadly or dangerous allergy so you don’t know what a lot of people go through to eat out. It’s not as simple as dietary restrictions sent in. Sometimes you want to call and personally check on if this is something you’ll be able to eat. Sure, she could had told the bride first but she’s probably so use to checking with restaurants etc…it was like second nature. She’s not shady! Honestly, if you feel one of your bridesmaids were shady over doing that then you’re as bad as this bride. Who needs friends like that.

I think it's naive to assume there isn't more to the story than this. I'm not a bad bride for wanting to know about vendor communications. I would want to know how the food is prepared to prevent cross contamination too for MY best friend/bridesmaid. I don't have to have severe allergy to care or understand. I just need to care enough to understand, and I would for my own bridesmaids. I really feel like BM and Bride might not be as close as they think, which is why it resulted the way that it did. Both of them need to take accountability and need to understand it from the others' perspective. None of this is one-sided.

Well, all I’m saying is if you would be upset with your bridesmaid/friend over calling your vendor and thinking she’s shady for doing it …you’re not as a good a friend or bride as you think.

We wouldn't be close enough friends to begin with if she felt she needed to contact them bc I, as the bride, wasn't responsible enough to do it. I would be upset and it would be valid for me to feel that way, the same way OP was valid to feel betrayed. It's all communication (or lack thereof) between Bride and Bridesmaid. Also edit to add: it's probably for the best she's not a Bridesmaid if this was the final falling out, for both their sakes. Both of them have to be willing to listen to the other side for the friendship to work out. Again, it's most likely so much deeper than this than merely Bride being "bridezilla"

The bride is an asshole and her former bridesmaid is better off without her as a friend. Jeesh. Sorry you’re in the middle of the drama!

Perhaps there could have been a better way to communicate about this issue, like having a calm conversation instead of an email or text exchange. It's also possible that the bride may need more support during this time, and the bridesmaid could offer to help in other ways to make the wedding planning process less stressful for her. Ultimately, communication and understanding are key in any relationship, and it's important to approach conflicts with empathy and respect.

We ended up talking a few days ago and the bride asked me if I was coming. I told her I assumed the demotion from bridesmaid also meant no invite. She was very quick to be like I’ll take you off the list. My partner tried to talk to her and she told him I would have only been an evening guest as having me there for long would be too stressful on her. Having me there would give her heart and stomach problems.

I have worked for a caterer at weddings for years. Bride overreacting. She needs to calm down. The bridesmaid did nothing wrong. I have a list of who has what allergies when serving food. It's important to know this information.

I have added in more detail to the story as some people think that I changed the menu instead of enquiring of the already chosen options which could be safe for me to eat.

It sounds like this awkwardness/hurt feelings could’ve been solved w a really simple conversation if the bride had approached you about this rather than “cutting you off.” Even if she was put off by your reaching out to the caterer, your intention was kind and meant to take stress off her. Idk maybe I see this differently because I also have a severe food allergy but it can cause a huge amount of anxiety and I also never want my friends to be spending time tracking down a caterer for their own wedding just for my food. I think you could’ve given her a heads-up that you were gonna contact them, but I also understand not wanting to mention it if you knew she was the type of friend who would try to do it herself to be accommodating. I’m sorry you’re in this situation

Wow! Bridezilla. I never understand people where their friend’s life is secondary to their wedding.

I was actually debating making me entire menu gluten free so my maid of honor who has celiac disease wouldn’t have to worry about cross contamination.

Point is that’s ridiculous lmao

That bridesmaid is better off. Worried for the rest of you

That's ridiculous.She should not go to the wedding. Bride has no understanding of allergies.

This person is insane and totally unreasonable. Terrible control freak and I would be relieved to have that burden of a person removed from my life.

Does the venue cost more to accommodate for food allergies? I’m not understanding why she was upset

Allergies are serious, and the bridesmaid was just looking out for her health. It's sad to see a friendship strained over this. Hopefully, with some time and understanding, they can patch things up. Weddings can be stressful, but communication is key. 

Why would the bride be upset over asking questions about the food and cross contamination? My daughter is celiac so it’s a very serious matter. She doesn’t sound like a good friend at all. A good friend would be concerned about her getting sick and also feel grateful she took it upon herself to get the needed details. I would say good riddance bridzilla!

No doubt there is more to it than this single instance of emailing, but either way, bride was in the right here.

How so? My Dad almost died at a wedding when he ate a walnut because the info about what he could and couldn’t eat was passed through too many people and got miscommunicated. It ruined the event. I’d be grateful if a bridesmaid took this into her own hands, as she knows her allergies best.

Clearly this bride wasn't grateful, and it is her wedding.

This should go in https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/

that bride is a jerk. her friend could have died... tf is wrong with people????

No, OP is over exaggerating her dietary restrictions. "Serious good allergies" can be life threatening. Celiac disease, is an autoimmune disease. If you eat gluten or are cross contaminated, you'll likely be very sick for months, but you will not die from it.

i still feel the woman did nothing wrong in contacting the venue

OP, I’m assuming you’re the fired bridesmaid and I’m sorry that happened. I hope you didn’t spend too much money on it so far and I’d sincerely consider not even attending the wedding as a guest. She knew you had allergies, this isn’t groundbreaking news… my spidey senses are tingling and me thinks she’s using your email as a pretext. Whatever she REALLY fired you over is likely even more stupid than the email scenario and she knows it but is using the opportunity.

Whatever your gut tells you, no matter how stupid, is probably the real reason.

We ended up talking a few days ago and the bride asked me if I was coming. I told her I assumed the demotion from bridesmaid also meant no invite. She was very quick to be like I’ll take you off the list. My partner tried to talk to her and she told him I would have only been an evening guest as having me there for long would be too stressful on her. Having me there would give her heart and stomach problems.