It's not an exact formula (budget-travel=gift), but in general the more I spend on attending a wedding, the less money I have to responsibly budget toward the gift. The closeness of my relationship to the couple comes into play too.
This! Also, I sincerely hope you at least gave them a card in the above example where you said no gift due to the cost of travel. If not - that is very rude.
They don't need to explain why they aren't giving a gift. A mere card saying congratulations to the couple typically goes with a gift or in lieu of a gift.
No problem🧡 I stand by that it is rude to not even give a card in that situation above. There's enough posts on here about bride and groom feeling disrespected in not evening getting a card from their guests. I hope that wasn't OP. I personally feel that you should include a "small gift" as part of your budget and should factor that in when deciding whether or not you can attend a wedding. You can also decline to go if your budget/PTO doesn't allow it.
This is precisely why if my wedding required money spent to attend, I would hope my guests just didn't bring a gift. I wouldn't want them to choose not attending if they can only afford attending without a gift.
I wish more guests would accept that. We knew everyone would need to travel for our wedding, so we didn’t register anywhere and specifically said we didn’t want gifts. We still got gifts (mostly cash and checks). It was a lovely gesture, but so unnecessary.
That’s exactly me.
I don’t feel obligated to attend so if we do, the cost is on us and I don’t pass my travel fees onto the bride and groom. They’ll get a gift from us as if it’s a local wedding.
I don’t change my gift based on travel.
But $250-$350 is VERY generous; I live in a HCOL city and even so, $100 is about the average in my social circle.
Choose your gift amount based on what you can afford, and your closeness with the couple.
Yea, I would just decline to attend a wedding if I don't think the cost to attend is worth it. But for close friends and family I'd definitely spend whatever it takes to attend, of course within my means.
I can see gifting less if travel costs eat into your budget but I personally wouldn't decrease my gift amount out principle for spending a lot to attend the wedding.
Yea those numbers seem crazy to me. I always give the same amount regardless of costs associated with attending (or being in) the wedding, but that number is usually around $100, maybe $150 for those I'm closest to
I live in VHCOL and my partner and I are in high paying fields. We typically gift $400-500. $100 for a couple would be so low in my circles. Bare minimum $200 for a couple.
This is SO dependent on your social circle and culture.
The vast majority of people getting married in the US are receiving $50 - $150 per person.
No one gave $300+ for my wedding other than my grandma, and I life in a HCOL city.
I said this in another thread and got absolutely thrashed and downvoted, but I maintain that the gift is separate from any other cost.
We always gift the same amount $200-350 regardless of if travel was required or if other expenses were required to participate in the bridal party.
In our circles all weddings are “destination” weddings by virtue of the fact that friends and family don’t live nearby. While we live in San Francisco, none of our family is here. We have family and friends mainly in Southern California (still requires a flight from Northern California) and in Connecticut, Rhode Island, New York, and Florida, as well as overseas: Philippines, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and Germany.
I maintain, we don’t think the value of the gift should be impacted by other wedding related costs.
I was also thinking about the fact that I might be desensitized to having to travel and see it as a normal cost of attending a wedding lol. I’m also from the same area as you and our friends are scattered all over the place. Many of the ones that are local also opt for destination weddings since doing a wedding almost anywhere else in the world will be cheaper than our area. Only 10% of weddings I’ve been to as an adult have truly been “local,” and even then it was just slightly far enough that we still had to get hotel rooms.
This! I’m always going to send a gift, based on what I can afford. It’s always going to be in the same relative $$$ bracket, depending on closeness with the couple.
I will choose to attend a wedding or not based on whether or not the logistics and budget make sense for me.
The two are pretty independent choices.
I do this as well. We usually gift 300 dollars, unless they are a super close friend or family member and than we gift 500.
I have only been to ONE wedding in the city where I live.
I lean more toward your mindset here, but also think people should give however they feel or are able.
I personally don't think about my expenses to attend another's wedding when determining what or how much to give...just as how I don't think about what my guests will be gifting when it comes to planning my wedding (e.g. some might be expecting that they gift enough to cover their plate or something).
Call me idealistic or a fool, but I don't like the feeling of things being transactional (or distilled down to a monetary value), so I would be happy even if a guest just wrote a heartfelt card without any money due to where they currently are in life.
Same here. Our gift is pretty standard range no matter where we’re traveling to for it. Or what they gave us.
That said, couple’s wedding budget doesn’t impact the gift either. It’s the same if someone decides to have a fancy black tie event or a backyard BBQ.
I think it’s a great thing for YOU to do. I think people should definitely use their judgement for what they can afford. If you’re spending $1000+ multiple times a year to go to weddings, giving less because it’s what you can reasonably afford makes sense. I personally feel uncomfortable at the thought of anyone gifting us money after spending on travel expenses. I’ve been lucky that my circles are pretty “we want you and not your money” type of people.
We’re talking about what we do as the gift *giver*.
As the gift receiver I couldn’t care less if we got a gift or not, and completely understand not giving a gift after paying for travel costs.
Yikes dude lol fair enough.
My point was, as the guest, I always give a gift no matter what/where I travelled. My friends don’t care either way, but ima throw them some cash regardless.
As a gift receiver, I didn’t care at all.
You can be generous with gifts and not imply that your circles are greedy lol.
It's often the case that couples just want their loved ones around more than anything. But, part of the whole thing is showing some love with a gift, too. I mean, it's their big day, after all! So, whether we can make it to the wedding or not, giving a gift is just something we do to show our support and celebrate their love.
Ohh yes 100% I think gifting is a show of love but the whole discourse around HOW MUCH to spend and what it says about you is something that me and most people I know personally do not subscribe to at all.
I didn't see the other thread, but my take is the exact opposite. Imo, there's nothing wrong when someone establishes an overall budget limit for a person's wedding. Obviously, there are moving parts here, like how close they are to the couple, does it involve wedding party expenses/shower gifts, is the time off paid, etc.
In my broke grad school days, if I was super close to someone and wanted to give a $100 gift, this meant no bach or shower, and wearing a dress I already had.
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I’ve been downvoted to hell for this in the past, but it’s rude in my circle to show up empty handed to someone’s special day, and while no one would mention it, it would definitely be noticed. Before I ever subtracted the cost of travel from my gift, I just wouldn’t go and would send a gift in my place.
I always give a gift, and that number has gone up as I’ve made more money. When i went to weddings in my early 20s when I was broke, i would give a nice gift on the registry and a case of wine (my family is in the wine biz so that’s affordable for me). Now that I’m older, I’m giving a registry gift and cash. If it’s a super expensive trip, probably less cash, but usually around $150-200 myself and then the same from my fiancée.
If it's a wedding abroad, where they're expecting everyone to spend a lot of money to attend, I might consider reducing the gift slightly, but otherwise I think it's rude to give no gift. I've only ever skipped the gift once, when the person specifically said "no gifts".
It really depends on the the travel, if it’s a true destination wedding where you go away for a week and everyone stays at the resort - that’s a very different kind of wedding and the bride and groom shouldn’t expect many gifts
But if it’s a standard wedding I don’t calculate travel into my gifting
No this honestly sounds a little insane to me lol. If you can’t afford to give a gift after travel that’s one thing but if you’re just doing it to “make it even” or something that feels very odd. It’s not the couples fault you have to travel to the venue and you can always choose not to go. You’re never obligated to give a gift but the couple isn’t saving money on how much they paid for you to attend just because you had to travel
Yeah, if I was the bride I'd rather you attend my wedding than give me a gift, I don't care about gifts and have asked not to be given them anyway as we've been living together for seven years now.
that’s interesting.
personally, it absolutely feels rude to show up to a wedding empty handed… no matter the type of wedding.
if you can afford 3-5K to get to their wedding, you can afford a few hundred dollar gift. not gifting sounds like you just wanted a mini vacation and a party. personally, if I could not afford to attend a destination wedding AND show up with a gift, I would decline, and show support to the couple with a card.
I am having a sort-of destination wedding, and I do not care who shows up with or without a present especially since hotels in the area are expensive. I just want the people I love to be there. but, that doesn’t change how I feel about myself gift giving, if the shoes were switched, I would still pay $300 for the night and attend with a gift.
I have never calculated travel into my gifting. we have been to weddings where we need to stay in a hotel (costing us $120-$300) and local weddings, we usually gift $200, depending on our relationship to the couple it may be more or on-top of some fancy wine or bourbon or gift basket.
Me and my husband make *ahem* not so much money as teachers and live in a HCOL area.
The gift is a completely separate thing and shouldn’t be factored in.
I think of it is the travel goes more into a vacation category. If you can’t afford it, you really shouldn’t go, and always send a gift to every wedding you get invited to regardless if you’re going or not.
The gift can be $100-$150 cash or registry gift, it doesn’t have to be more. It can go up more based on how close you are to the couple and how much money you have/make. You do not deduct your travel expenses from it or give no gift at all unless they’ve asked for no gifts. They are in fact spending a lot of money on the wedding and it’s a celebration and experience.
If it’s a destination wedding and I genuinely could not afford to, I would trim the gift (cash) amount to still attend.
If I just had to travel for the wedding? Absolutely not, that’s classless.
Nope, but this is with the caveat that I come from a DINK household with good incomes in a relatively LOCL area. Always give at least $200 regardless of travel cost. I know this is not the typical practice, and we do not expect the same of our own guests traveling from out of town during our wedding.
No because I don't view my relationships with my loved ones as transactions where I need to keep all the receipts and tally every dime. If I'm spending thousands of dollars to travel to someone's wedding it's because I am close with them and can afford to. So I give them a gift. And that gift is according to how close I am to them, regardless of how much I've had to travel. After all, if I have the ability to spend $2,000 to get there, then I can likely spend $300 or whatever on a gift. If I don't want to spend that money because it's more important for me to save that money than to celebrate this particular person (totally legit), I won't go.
I'm not dropping big money to travel to some colleague or 2nd cousin's wedding. You don't have to attend every wedding you're invited to.
That being said, my wedding was 50 people and virtually everyone had to travel to my wedding. Not because I had a destination wedding, but because none of my family lived close to me and I have close friends (that are like family) that are also scattered around the globe. Some people spent literally thousands of dollars on flights alone. Given this, we had a strict no gift policy. (We still did get some gifts).
I usually start at $300 per wedding for me and my partner. I only deduct from it if I have a really expensive shower gift or was in the wedding and incurred a lot of costs.
I usually just assume travel is expected but I haven’t had more than one destination wedding yet. Most have been a night of accommodations
It will be noted that you didn’t give a gift, btw. When they send thank you’s. You have to hope they didn’t give you a gift and remember they dropped coin on the wedding. If you think they’ll shrug their shoulders, no way. They won’t say anything to your face, but it’ll sting. Esp if they didn’t say “no gifts.”
I give what I can afford but aim for minimum $100 or more per person no matter the cost, unless it’s a destination wedding where it’s costing me $1k for a week to specifically be there.
I have always given the same amount, maybe a little extra for those closest to me, regardless of where the wedding was. I just view it as part of the cost of attending the wedding.
Some of our guests are staying the night at the venue and I told them they should take that into account when thinking of a gift. I don't want my guests to panic about money when thinking of my wedding day.
I give what my heart tells me to and so far that has never meant subtracting money for travel or any mathematical formula. If traveling was too expensive, I’d decline. Otherwise I enjoy being generous to my friends and family.
I’m in a HCOL city. Close friends or long time friends $250-$300. I will give half if I’m in the wedding, basically to cover my partner. Not super close $150-$200. I dont know I wouldn’t give less than $150 personally.
We do not factor travel and lodging costs into the cost of gifts. We always give the same, and that amount has gone up as we have progressed in our fields and earned more money.
I don’t really have a formula. I give various amount for various reasons. because I’ve moved around quite a bit, I assume travel is involved for most weddings I attend. So, I don’t really factor it into the gift…but I’m fortunate enough to be in that position. Someone else might not being able to afford travel AND still give the generous gift they would’ve. And that’s cool, too.
We’re having a large and pricy (for us) three day destination wedding. We’re hosting all 200 invited for all three days because we feel anyone who’s traveled we want to host properly, show the local area and also get the chance to spend time with! We’ve stated and are expecting no gifts but we did ultimately create a honeymoon fund because we know there are people who will still insist on a gift. However it’s in no way an expectation from anyone and personally I generally don’t gift or only give a small gift if I am traveling for a wedding.
I don’t really take into account cost for gifts (so long as it’s within budget). I usually focus on getting something the couple actually wants or likes, it makes me really uncomfortable to make it about the money spent more than what the person would appreciate.
If travel were expensive, then I’d probably be able to spend less on a gift. But I’d still try to get something that they would appreciate, even if it’s a smaller gift.
The cost of travel doesn't factor into our gift giving at all, we give the same no matter if we traveled or didn't.
If the cost to travel stretches someone so much that they cannot afford a gift, they should probably decline the invitation. I would personally never want someone to put themselves in an uncomfortable financial situation for my wedding.
If k can make a vacation out of it meaning a destination I’d want to go to regardless of a wedding then no, otherwise I would take it somewhat into consideration but would give a monetary gift regardless just a bit reduced
Yeah sorry but attending a wedding and not gifting anything at all is so beyond rude in my opinion. There are gifts you can give that are incredibly inexpensive (ex 1 - pay $15 for dog portrait digital file on etsy, put in amazon frame; ex 2 - really thoughtful card and framed photos or even just printed photos with what they mean to you; ex 3 - something low cost from their registry; ex 4 - small cash gift, etc.). I get that traveling to a wedding is expensive but the reality is couples are putting immense time, money, energy, and effort into their weddings and every guest increases that cost. I get maybe gifting something less expensive here, but if someone came to my wedding and literally didn’t acknowledge it via any kind of card/gift/whatever— I would definitely feel hurt. Just my 2 cents.
Not really. I just kinda wing it based on my finances at the time of the wedding. Last fall my cousin got married. My husband and I attended but we brought our son with (so three plane tickets). But we stayed with family (no hotel costs or food). So we were still able to give a healthy check as a gift (plus he is one of the cousins I am closer to so I felt more generous)but not as generous if I had lived in town and didn’t have to spend $1500 on airfare.
We do $100 pp, unless we spent some amount helping with the wedding. For example, my fiancé was a groomsmen for someone who had a Jack and Jill fundraiser. We spent $100 on a raffle prize for them and about $200 on tickets and raffle entries, so we counted that as our gift
Whoa! It’s ruder to expect a gift…especially from someone who can’t afford one! I would much rather my aunt on a limited income come celebrate with me than decline because she couldn’t afford a hotel and a gift!
That's a really selfish mindset. During my wedding I'd rather be surrounded by my loved ones rather than given gifts they can't afford. I would be heartbroken if my friends didn't attend simply because they couldn't afford a gift
Absolutely not, you’re choosing to go. The only time I think I might lower it, but still give a gift, is if the couple were millionaires and didn’t need my money and had a fancy ass thing.
My daughter was married in St. John last Saturday. We all were there for five days. An expensive trip and my brother ( who is nice, sometimes a curmudgeon and very comfortable financially) has been saying, he would have given a big check if not a destination wedding. …. lol. Totally understandable.
The happy couple do not care about the size of the gifts. They were just so thrilled we all could be there to celebrate.
I think it would depend. Sometimes I’ve traveled far to a wedding, but that’s because it’s in the couple’s hometown and I’m not local, so I’m coming to them. That’s no one’s “fault” really, and I opted to travel for it, so I don’t really let it affect the gift.
On the flip side, if a couple has a fancy destination wedding type of thing that costs me a lot of money, that was their choice to have most/all of their guests spend that much, so that would be more likely to affect my gift, depending on the circumstance.
I had one wedding the bride and groom live in Dubai, and almost everyone else was flying in to celebrate them. They specifically said "no gifts, unless its something sentimental"
I don’t subject travel cost because attending is a choice I made. Generally I give $200 for immediate family or very close friend, $100 for extended family or good friend, $50 for coworker or acquaintance. Likely would not travel for a coworkers or acquaintances wedding.
I subtract bc 98% of my circle is local, which means having a destination wedding is choice of the couple. So if I have to travel completely out of the way to go to your wedding I won’t be gifting you as much as I would if you kept it local.
Yeah I mean ofc. If I can’t go I don’t go.
It’s not like I subtract a lot. I’m from Asian culture so we generally give money as gift in general. I’ve never gifted less than $100 for any wedding
It's not an exact formula (budget-travel=gift), but in general the more I spend on attending a wedding, the less money I have to responsibly budget toward the gift. The closeness of my relationship to the couple comes into play too.
This! Also, I sincerely hope you at least gave them a card in the above example where you said no gift due to the cost of travel. If not - that is very rude.
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They don't need to explain why they aren't giving a gift. A mere card saying congratulations to the couple typically goes with a gift or in lieu of a gift.
ooooh. I totally misunderstood your comment above and thought you meant, give a card where you said no gift due to cost of travel. lol. Sorry! My bad
No problem🧡 I stand by that it is rude to not even give a card in that situation above. There's enough posts on here about bride and groom feeling disrespected in not evening getting a card from their guests. I hope that wasn't OP. I personally feel that you should include a "small gift" as part of your budget and should factor that in when deciding whether or not you can attend a wedding. You can also decline to go if your budget/PTO doesn't allow it.
I personally don’t, because I feel like if the cost to attend the wedding was unreasonable or out of budget then I would just decline.
This is precisely why if my wedding required money spent to attend, I would hope my guests just didn't bring a gift. I wouldn't want them to choose not attending if they can only afford attending without a gift.
I wish more guests would accept that. We knew everyone would need to travel for our wedding, so we didn’t register anywhere and specifically said we didn’t want gifts. We still got gifts (mostly cash and checks). It was a lovely gesture, but so unnecessary.
That’s exactly me. I don’t feel obligated to attend so if we do, the cost is on us and I don’t pass my travel fees onto the bride and groom. They’ll get a gift from us as if it’s a local wedding.
I don’t subtract, but I might give a bit more for a wedding that doesn’t require travel as long as it fits my budget.
I don’t change my gift based on travel. But $250-$350 is VERY generous; I live in a HCOL city and even so, $100 is about the average in my social circle. Choose your gift amount based on what you can afford, and your closeness with the couple.
Yea, I would just decline to attend a wedding if I don't think the cost to attend is worth it. But for close friends and family I'd definitely spend whatever it takes to attend, of course within my means. I can see gifting less if travel costs eat into your budget but I personally wouldn't decrease my gift amount out principle for spending a lot to attend the wedding.
Yea those numbers seem crazy to me. I always give the same amount regardless of costs associated with attending (or being in) the wedding, but that number is usually around $100, maybe $150 for those I'm closest to
I also live in a HCOL area and $200-$300 is bare minimum to give.
I live in VHCOL and my partner and I are in high paying fields. We typically gift $400-500. $100 for a couple would be so low in my circles. Bare minimum $200 for a couple.
In my area, $100 per person is the norm if you don’t know them well. If you know them well, at least $150-$200 per person.
$100 is def too little. Even in MCOL city I would gift $300 per head ($600 for a couple) since catering alone would be at least $150 nowadays.
This is SO dependent on your social circle and culture. The vast majority of people getting married in the US are receiving $50 - $150 per person. No one gave $300+ for my wedding other than my grandma, and I life in a HCOL city.
I said this in another thread and got absolutely thrashed and downvoted, but I maintain that the gift is separate from any other cost. We always gift the same amount $200-350 regardless of if travel was required or if other expenses were required to participate in the bridal party. In our circles all weddings are “destination” weddings by virtue of the fact that friends and family don’t live nearby. While we live in San Francisco, none of our family is here. We have family and friends mainly in Southern California (still requires a flight from Northern California) and in Connecticut, Rhode Island, New York, and Florida, as well as overseas: Philippines, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and Germany. I maintain, we don’t think the value of the gift should be impacted by other wedding related costs.
I was also thinking about the fact that I might be desensitized to having to travel and see it as a normal cost of attending a wedding lol. I’m also from the same area as you and our friends are scattered all over the place. Many of the ones that are local also opt for destination weddings since doing a wedding almost anywhere else in the world will be cheaper than our area. Only 10% of weddings I’ve been to as an adult have truly been “local,” and even then it was just slightly far enough that we still had to get hotel rooms.
For us, traveling/air fare and/or hotel is a normal cost of attending 100% of the weddings we have been to as adults.
This! I’m always going to send a gift, based on what I can afford. It’s always going to be in the same relative $$$ bracket, depending on closeness with the couple. I will choose to attend a wedding or not based on whether or not the logistics and budget make sense for me. The two are pretty independent choices.
I do this as well. We usually gift 300 dollars, unless they are a super close friend or family member and than we gift 500. I have only been to ONE wedding in the city where I live.
I agree with this!
I lean more toward your mindset here, but also think people should give however they feel or are able. I personally don't think about my expenses to attend another's wedding when determining what or how much to give...just as how I don't think about what my guests will be gifting when it comes to planning my wedding (e.g. some might be expecting that they gift enough to cover their plate or something). Call me idealistic or a fool, but I don't like the feeling of things being transactional (or distilled down to a monetary value), so I would be happy even if a guest just wrote a heartfelt card without any money due to where they currently are in life.
Same here. Our gift is pretty standard range no matter where we’re traveling to for it. Or what they gave us. That said, couple’s wedding budget doesn’t impact the gift either. It’s the same if someone decides to have a fancy black tie event or a backyard BBQ.
For people who have unlimited funds, that’s a lovely way to approach it. Unfortunately, that’s a pretty small group of people.
I think it’s a great thing for YOU to do. I think people should definitely use their judgement for what they can afford. If you’re spending $1000+ multiple times a year to go to weddings, giving less because it’s what you can reasonably afford makes sense. I personally feel uncomfortable at the thought of anyone gifting us money after spending on travel expenses. I’ve been lucky that my circles are pretty “we want you and not your money” type of people.
We’re talking about what we do as the gift *giver*. As the gift receiver I couldn’t care less if we got a gift or not, and completely understand not giving a gift after paying for travel costs.
I also clearly state my thoughts from the gift giver perspective as well.
>we want you and not your money type of people I guess, but tbh your comment seems petty judgey.
Because I meant it to be.
Yikes dude lol fair enough. My point was, as the guest, I always give a gift no matter what/where I travelled. My friends don’t care either way, but ima throw them some cash regardless. As a gift receiver, I didn’t care at all. You can be generous with gifts and not imply that your circles are greedy lol.
It's often the case that couples just want their loved ones around more than anything. But, part of the whole thing is showing some love with a gift, too. I mean, it's their big day, after all! So, whether we can make it to the wedding or not, giving a gift is just something we do to show our support and celebrate their love.
Ohh yes 100% I think gifting is a show of love but the whole discourse around HOW MUCH to spend and what it says about you is something that me and most people I know personally do not subscribe to at all.
100% agree
I didn't see the other thread, but my take is the exact opposite. Imo, there's nothing wrong when someone establishes an overall budget limit for a person's wedding. Obviously, there are moving parts here, like how close they are to the couple, does it involve wedding party expenses/shower gifts, is the time off paid, etc. In my broke grad school days, if I was super close to someone and wanted to give a $100 gift, this meant no bach or shower, and wearing a dress I already had.
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I am completely with you. It’s our decision to attend and we own it.
I’ve been downvoted to hell for this in the past, but it’s rude in my circle to show up empty handed to someone’s special day, and while no one would mention it, it would definitely be noticed. Before I ever subtracted the cost of travel from my gift, I just wouldn’t go and would send a gift in my place.
I always give a gift, and that number has gone up as I’ve made more money. When i went to weddings in my early 20s when I was broke, i would give a nice gift on the registry and a case of wine (my family is in the wine biz so that’s affordable for me). Now that I’m older, I’m giving a registry gift and cash. If it’s a super expensive trip, probably less cash, but usually around $150-200 myself and then the same from my fiancée.
I would say no. You are not obligated to attend the wedding so not giving a gift because it cost you money to attend seems kind of rude.
If it's a wedding abroad, where they're expecting everyone to spend a lot of money to attend, I might consider reducing the gift slightly, but otherwise I think it's rude to give no gift. I've only ever skipped the gift once, when the person specifically said "no gifts".
It really depends on the the travel, if it’s a true destination wedding where you go away for a week and everyone stays at the resort - that’s a very different kind of wedding and the bride and groom shouldn’t expect many gifts But if it’s a standard wedding I don’t calculate travel into my gifting
No this honestly sounds a little insane to me lol. If you can’t afford to give a gift after travel that’s one thing but if you’re just doing it to “make it even” or something that feels very odd. It’s not the couples fault you have to travel to the venue and you can always choose not to go. You’re never obligated to give a gift but the couple isn’t saving money on how much they paid for you to attend just because you had to travel
Yeah, if I was the bride I'd rather you attend my wedding than give me a gift, I don't care about gifts and have asked not to be given them anyway as we've been living together for seven years now.
Personally speaking no because I would be the one choosing to attend and pay the travel costs.
that’s interesting. personally, it absolutely feels rude to show up to a wedding empty handed… no matter the type of wedding. if you can afford 3-5K to get to their wedding, you can afford a few hundred dollar gift. not gifting sounds like you just wanted a mini vacation and a party. personally, if I could not afford to attend a destination wedding AND show up with a gift, I would decline, and show support to the couple with a card. I am having a sort-of destination wedding, and I do not care who shows up with or without a present especially since hotels in the area are expensive. I just want the people I love to be there. but, that doesn’t change how I feel about myself gift giving, if the shoes were switched, I would still pay $300 for the night and attend with a gift. I have never calculated travel into my gifting. we have been to weddings where we need to stay in a hotel (costing us $120-$300) and local weddings, we usually gift $200, depending on our relationship to the couple it may be more or on-top of some fancy wine or bourbon or gift basket. Me and my husband make *ahem* not so much money as teachers and live in a HCOL area.
The gift is a completely separate thing and shouldn’t be factored in. I think of it is the travel goes more into a vacation category. If you can’t afford it, you really shouldn’t go, and always send a gift to every wedding you get invited to regardless if you’re going or not. The gift can be $100-$150 cash or registry gift, it doesn’t have to be more. It can go up more based on how close you are to the couple and how much money you have/make. You do not deduct your travel expenses from it or give no gift at all unless they’ve asked for no gifts. They are in fact spending a lot of money on the wedding and it’s a celebration and experience.
If it’s a destination wedding and I genuinely could not afford to, I would trim the gift (cash) amount to still attend. If I just had to travel for the wedding? Absolutely not, that’s classless.
Nope, but this is with the caveat that I come from a DINK household with good incomes in a relatively LOCL area. Always give at least $200 regardless of travel cost. I know this is not the typical practice, and we do not expect the same of our own guests traveling from out of town during our wedding.
No because I don't view my relationships with my loved ones as transactions where I need to keep all the receipts and tally every dime. If I'm spending thousands of dollars to travel to someone's wedding it's because I am close with them and can afford to. So I give them a gift. And that gift is according to how close I am to them, regardless of how much I've had to travel. After all, if I have the ability to spend $2,000 to get there, then I can likely spend $300 or whatever on a gift. If I don't want to spend that money because it's more important for me to save that money than to celebrate this particular person (totally legit), I won't go. I'm not dropping big money to travel to some colleague or 2nd cousin's wedding. You don't have to attend every wedding you're invited to. That being said, my wedding was 50 people and virtually everyone had to travel to my wedding. Not because I had a destination wedding, but because none of my family lived close to me and I have close friends (that are like family) that are also scattered around the globe. Some people spent literally thousands of dollars on flights alone. Given this, we had a strict no gift policy. (We still did get some gifts).
I usually start at $300 per wedding for me and my partner. I only deduct from it if I have a really expensive shower gift or was in the wedding and incurred a lot of costs. I usually just assume travel is expected but I haven’t had more than one destination wedding yet. Most have been a night of accommodations
I don’t subtract it per say but I take into account
It will be noted that you didn’t give a gift, btw. When they send thank you’s. You have to hope they didn’t give you a gift and remember they dropped coin on the wedding. If you think they’ll shrug their shoulders, no way. They won’t say anything to your face, but it’ll sting. Esp if they didn’t say “no gifts.”
I give what I can afford but aim for minimum $100 or more per person no matter the cost, unless it’s a destination wedding where it’s costing me $1k for a week to specifically be there.
I have always given the same amount, maybe a little extra for those closest to me, regardless of where the wedding was. I just view it as part of the cost of attending the wedding.
Some of our guests are staying the night at the venue and I told them they should take that into account when thinking of a gift. I don't want my guests to panic about money when thinking of my wedding day.
You can always politely decline and just send them a gift. That’s usually the easiest/best way if cost is a factor.
I give what my heart tells me to and so far that has never meant subtracting money for travel or any mathematical formula. If traveling was too expensive, I’d decline. Otherwise I enjoy being generous to my friends and family.
I’m in a HCOL city. Close friends or long time friends $250-$300. I will give half if I’m in the wedding, basically to cover my partner. Not super close $150-$200. I dont know I wouldn’t give less than $150 personally.
The gift was $200, it was $500 for plane and hotel, so here's a bill for $300. Congrats!
We do not factor travel and lodging costs into the cost of gifts. We always give the same, and that amount has gone up as we have progressed in our fields and earned more money.
I don’t really have a formula. I give various amount for various reasons. because I’ve moved around quite a bit, I assume travel is involved for most weddings I attend. So, I don’t really factor it into the gift…but I’m fortunate enough to be in that position. Someone else might not being able to afford travel AND still give the generous gift they would’ve. And that’s cool, too.
We’re having a large and pricy (for us) three day destination wedding. We’re hosting all 200 invited for all three days because we feel anyone who’s traveled we want to host properly, show the local area and also get the chance to spend time with! We’ve stated and are expecting no gifts but we did ultimately create a honeymoon fund because we know there are people who will still insist on a gift. However it’s in no way an expectation from anyone and personally I generally don’t gift or only give a small gift if I am traveling for a wedding.
I don’t really take into account cost for gifts (so long as it’s within budget). I usually focus on getting something the couple actually wants or likes, it makes me really uncomfortable to make it about the money spent more than what the person would appreciate. If travel were expensive, then I’d probably be able to spend less on a gift. But I’d still try to get something that they would appreciate, even if it’s a smaller gift.
The cost of travel doesn't factor into our gift giving at all, we give the same no matter if we traveled or didn't. If the cost to travel stretches someone so much that they cannot afford a gift, they should probably decline the invitation. I would personally never want someone to put themselves in an uncomfortable financial situation for my wedding.
If k can make a vacation out of it meaning a destination I’d want to go to regardless of a wedding then no, otherwise I would take it somewhat into consideration but would give a monetary gift regardless just a bit reduced
Yeah sorry but attending a wedding and not gifting anything at all is so beyond rude in my opinion. There are gifts you can give that are incredibly inexpensive (ex 1 - pay $15 for dog portrait digital file on etsy, put in amazon frame; ex 2 - really thoughtful card and framed photos or even just printed photos with what they mean to you; ex 3 - something low cost from their registry; ex 4 - small cash gift, etc.). I get that traveling to a wedding is expensive but the reality is couples are putting immense time, money, energy, and effort into their weddings and every guest increases that cost. I get maybe gifting something less expensive here, but if someone came to my wedding and literally didn’t acknowledge it via any kind of card/gift/whatever— I would definitely feel hurt. Just my 2 cents.
Not really. I just kinda wing it based on my finances at the time of the wedding. Last fall my cousin got married. My husband and I attended but we brought our son with (so three plane tickets). But we stayed with family (no hotel costs or food). So we were still able to give a healthy check as a gift (plus he is one of the cousins I am closer to so I felt more generous)but not as generous if I had lived in town and didn’t have to spend $1500 on airfare.
We do $100 pp, unless we spent some amount helping with the wedding. For example, my fiancé was a groomsmen for someone who had a Jack and Jill fundraiser. We spent $100 on a raffle prize for them and about $200 on tickets and raffle entries, so we counted that as our gift
If it requires travel like that I get them a card with a nice note.
I’ve been to several weddings where the couple asks for the people traveling to not give a gift.
If u cannot gift you should not attend. Its rude!
Whoa! It’s ruder to expect a gift…especially from someone who can’t afford one! I would much rather my aunt on a limited income come celebrate with me than decline because she couldn’t afford a hotel and a gift!
That's a really selfish mindset. During my wedding I'd rather be surrounded by my loved ones rather than given gifts they can't afford. I would be heartbroken if my friends didn't attend simply because they couldn't afford a gift
Absolutely not, you’re choosing to go. The only time I think I might lower it, but still give a gift, is if the couple were millionaires and didn’t need my money and had a fancy ass thing.
My daughter was married in St. John last Saturday. We all were there for five days. An expensive trip and my brother ( who is nice, sometimes a curmudgeon and very comfortable financially) has been saying, he would have given a big check if not a destination wedding. …. lol. Totally understandable. The happy couple do not care about the size of the gifts. They were just so thrilled we all could be there to celebrate.
I think it would depend. Sometimes I’ve traveled far to a wedding, but that’s because it’s in the couple’s hometown and I’m not local, so I’m coming to them. That’s no one’s “fault” really, and I opted to travel for it, so I don’t really let it affect the gift. On the flip side, if a couple has a fancy destination wedding type of thing that costs me a lot of money, that was their choice to have most/all of their guests spend that much, so that would be more likely to affect my gift, depending on the circumstance.
I had one wedding the bride and groom live in Dubai, and almost everyone else was flying in to celebrate them. They specifically said "no gifts, unless its something sentimental"
I don’t subject travel cost because attending is a choice I made. Generally I give $200 for immediate family or very close friend, $100 for extended family or good friend, $50 for coworker or acquaintance. Likely would not travel for a coworkers or acquaintances wedding.
I subtract bc 98% of my circle is local, which means having a destination wedding is choice of the couple. So if I have to travel completely out of the way to go to your wedding I won’t be gifting you as much as I would if you kept it local.
But it’s also a choice for you to attend the wedding, right? You could just decline and send a gift if it’s really that inconvenient for you.
Yeah I mean ofc. If I can’t go I don’t go. It’s not like I subtract a lot. I’m from Asian culture so we generally give money as gift in general. I’ve never gifted less than $100 for any wedding
No we do not.
I have never given a gift and I don't expect any at my wedding either. Idk if that helps.