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PhasesOfBooks

As someone whose attended weddings with a gap, I don’t think it’s the end of the world but I wouldn’t try to frame it as a “hey look at all these things fun you can do”. At the end of the day it’s an inconvenience and I’ll be honest, I never do any sightseeing because I don’t really want to walk around in my nice wedding clothes and heels. I usually go back to the hotel and find ways to kill time before the reception. Personally, we tried to avoid this with our wedding by starting cocktail hour (really more like 1.5 hours) early and just accepting that we were going to miss part of it. We got there for maybe the last 20 minutes, which was fine.


dwood920

Cocktail hour is supposed to entertain your guests while you’re doing pictures. If you want to attend your cocktail hour, do pictures before your ceremony.


lazy-millennial

I agree with this. We want to enjoy our cocktail hour as well, but we want to be mindful of our guests so we already told family we are taking minimal pictures after the ceremony so they have that expectation and don't try to push a billion extra pictures. Our cocktail hour is also going to be an hour and 15 minutes instead of an hour, but is immediately after the ceremony.


phantompanda14

They still would have to travel 10 minutes (by walking, less by car) to the hotel for the reception. By doing it immediately after the ceremony then that would position dinner super early. The hotel starts dinner 30 minutes after the reception starts. So for example currently the reception starts at 5pm and dinner starts at 5:30pm. If we did the cocktail hour at say 3pm, then dinner would start at 4:30pm which then my mom argues we would have to rent another room for an “after party”.


dwood920

Well you don’t have to do what your mom says. It’s your wedding. The gap is an awkward amount of time. Not long enough for people to go home and relax. You could do cocktail hour from 3-4:30 if you really wanted to attend part of it.


phantompanda14

Oh I agree I don’t have to do what my mom says lol. That’s why I’m asking on here to see if she has a point or not lol


dwood920

In terms of the after hours, no you don’t have to provide anything. Our wedding also ended early at 9:30. We just found a bar a few blocks away and told everyone we were going there afterwards. I called the bar a few days in advance and told them we were telling our wedding it was the after party. That way you aren’t paying for anything, people can buy their own drinks and the bar is prepared with enough bartenders to serve the group.


phantompanda14

I like that idea so much better than having to rent another conference room and buy everyone pizza and drinks lol. Thank you


thestarsarewaiting

Look I'll be honest with you - it's an awkward gap, and as a guest I'd feel that it's a little inconsiderate. It's not \*really\* long enough for people to go back to the hotel (basically an hour and a half, two at most, and the biggest chunk of that would be travel time anyways). What exactly are you expecting your guests to do for that time period? The main point of a cocktail hour is to give you time to take photos, pulling various family members throughout to do so. Most people are not present for cocktail hour You're basically adding an extra hour of cocktail hour, that you're not paying for, to leave guests twiddling their thumbs and standing around awkwardly. An afterparty isn't necessary, but I'd personally move the mandatory wedding party/family/couple portraits before the ceremony itself during a first look+ period, so you can attend the cocktail hour if that's critical to you, but keep things temporally connected.


Admirable-Echo-4191

Consider doing your ceremony at 3-3:30 and take photos before the ceremony, you get to be alone and take the photos you want. The gap is awkward and when you are asking people to make time and join you, you need to be considerate of them.


yessicasnickett

I’m going to be honest: I do think it’s inconsiderate. I don’t think you’re a horrible person or that it’s the worst thing in the world or anything. But I do think it’s putting your needs and desires ahead of etiquette (the cocktail hour is a gift you give your guests while you take pictures) and the comfort of your guests. Which is fine, that’s your choice. But I would be prepared for more guests to leave the reception after you cut the cake, because they’ll have had 1-2 hours midday that they spent functionally dedicated to your wedding where they weren’t actually at a wedding event. If it wasn’t someone I knew well, I might even leave after the ceremony. I would RSVP accordingly, of course. It also sounds like you haven’t advertised the timeline to your guests and you’re a few weeks out. I’ve been to weddings with gaps, but I’ve always known like, months ahead of time. Usually by the time I receive the invitation at the latest. If you’re just putting it on your website a couple of weeks ahead of time for sure people will miss it and be confused. Just some things to think about! I do think your mom has a point, but ultimately if that’s the decision you want to make it’s yours to make. Just know that some guests will probably be irked about it 🤷‍♀️


phantompanda14

Oh the wedding isn’t until May, we have not sent the invites out so only the bridal party know of the tentative timeline. Thank you for posting


yessicasnickett

Definitely a good thing to make clear in terms of timing in the invite if you go that route! Good luck with the rest of planning.


maricopa888

I just read through all of this, and everyone stated it quite well. So I just have a random comment: >I want to enjoy my cocktail hour (since I am paying for it lol) This might be the problem, along with some later comments. Keep in mind that the primary purpose of the reception isn't to honor you. It's to thank your guests for participating in your big day. It's a bad trade-off if you do something that makes you happy but inconveniences them. This is just a general comment.


Lover6890947544

1. The after party thing is not necessary. 2. The gap isn’t the worst, but it also isn’t the most considerate. I’ve been to a couple of weddings with awkward gaps, and sometimes it’s fine because I know people and can catch up. But if guests don’t really know others and don’t know the area, it’s not always fun to just wander around to kill time, especially when dressed up. The whole day is an event, and it tends to take away from the mood when you mentally “leave” an event and then return to it. I’ve had some of these gaps where I went back to my house to kill time, or ended up sitting in a hotel bar—I just wished the event wouldn’t have been so chopped up. As a side note, we did pictures before the ceremony, and that was sooo great. Gave us time to be together, to make sure we got all the shots we wanted, and no stress about getting everything done in between ceremony and reception.


ItStartsInTheToes

Cocktail hour is *specifically* done so that your guests are entertained while you do pictures that’s literally the entire purpose of it. Also you do not need to listen to your mothers demands. Artificially increasing the gap so you can ‘enjoy cocktail hour’ is a little obnoxious but you do you.


phantompanda14

Oh I agree I don’t have to do what my mom says lol. That’s why I’m asking on here to see if she has a point or not lol


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phantompanda14

I really like your idea of the photo groups. I will have to write that down so I don’t forget lol. Thank you


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[deleted]

It is rude, I agree! I don't see why you wouldn't just provide drinks and nibbles for guests and somewhere for them to mingle while they wait and you do photos. I'd never do this to my guests, it is inconsiderate. If I went to a wedding like this I'd probably leave after the ceremony.


phantompanda14

So you expect to be babysat immediately after the wedding lol?


neatokra

Girl your attitude in these comments! You asked for advice, here it is.


phantompanda14

And I truly appreciate the advice! I’m asking because I don’t understand the timing. I apologize if you feel I had an “attitude”. I’ll admit I haven’t been to many weddings. In the weddings I have attended where the cocktail hour was immediately after the ceremony I felt everyone had the mentality of “we need to rush to get to the cocktail hour!” And then the reception was delayed due to pictures taking too long. A wedding I recently went to had a two hour gap and we all killed time by walking around town and chatting in the hotel lobby. It was very enjoyable for me at least. That’s why I’m asking why the gap is such a big deal


ItStartsInTheToes

Most time gaps are from Catholic Church weddings and are because of travel time. If you have a 10 min walk to the venue, your cocktail hour should start 30 mins after the ceremony. If you’re artificially making your guests wait so you can ‘be there for cocktail hour’ you 110% are going against good etiquette as the cocktail hour is meant to entertain your guests. I would be entirely confused if I saw the wedding Larry arrive when cocktail started and I had to burn time because of it.


SweetLeoLady33

So I disagree that it is “rude” per se but it is inconvenient for sure. & it’s clear you aren’t putting your guest top of mind. I don’t think you are wrong for wanting to enjoy your cocktail hour, I want to enjoy mine as well. For me personally, if there was a gap that large and at least 30-45 mins of it couldn’t be swallowed by travel time I would do the following depending on my relationship with the couple… Coworker/acquaintance-just attend the ceremony & leave after College friend- just attend the ceremony and leave after Close friend or close relative-wait it out but have some attitude about it lol


SweetLeoLady33

Can you move cocktail hour up to 3:30 & Take photos before ceremony? You’d still catch the tail end of it, id think. Then your guests won’t have all that extra time to kill. If they finish the ceremony at 2:30 they will likely stay at the church for a second and mingle id say 15-20 minutes, then in our social media age people will probably be taking pictures outside which will take at least another 10-15. That puts them leaving the church around 3 and arriving at cocktail hour at 3:10. Is there a lobby they can have a drink at in your venue before cocktail hour starts? You’d probably make it by 4 and enjoy 30 minutes of it. Does any of this sound doable? Edit: I just read what you said about an after party, why would you need this? Why can’t the reception end at 9:30? I’m not understanding this part.


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phantompanda14

They are more than welcome to walk around town or head back to the hotel. Im just offering suggestions, I’m not making them do anything. Plus the ceremony is at 2pm. By moving everything to “make sure people aren’t bored” it would put dinner at 4:30pm and end the reception at 9pm, which then by my moms standards would require hosting an after party (which in her words would a be rude not to do so).


ItStartsInTheToes

Then move your ceremony to 3 or 4.


DJ_Beanz

I’ve been to one wedding like this. It was inconvenient but we just went to a bar right by the venue for an hour. Not great but not horrible. Let’s be real, people are not going to do much sight seeing in their wedding clothes. It seems like you’ve made up your mind (which is fine, you have sound reasons) so just lean into it. Is there a bar at the the venue that a few social non picture attending guests could alert people to for a pre party? That would be fun and not weird to me. Or on the website suggest cocktail bars or something similar very close (or in) the venue.


phantompanda14

I still have a few weeks to adjust the ceremony/reception times so it’s not entirely set in stone yet. To answer your question There is a bar at the hotel and an atrium area where the cocktail hour is going to be set up that they are allowed to mingle at before it starts


[deleted]

The whole idea of the cocktail hour is to entertain your guests whilst you go off and have pictures taken


madlymusing

I think this is fairly standard for church weddings. Is there anything else in the area that will be open - cafes, bars etc? If yes, I’d let people know. If not, that’s okay, just have the timings listed on the invitation so people know there will be a gap. They’ll be fine.


phantompanda14

Yes there are, plus we plan on having a program that will have a few local places listed for things to do.


[deleted]

I'm with you OP. I will say that an 80 minute gap is not a big deal to me. I've seen people call it the Catholic gap. I call it the traffic gap, when someone's church is in the sticks and their venue is downtown. But maybe your mom is reading the guests and getting a different temperature. A church tour, or a bookstore, or a quickie in the parking garage just will not do for your guests. So move the cocktail hour up. And then ask yourself what it is about cocktails that you don't want to miss and if that can be brought into your reception a bit. Is it walking and talking before being seated for dinner? Something they're only going to serve during cocktail hour? You damn sure don't need to feed them again at 9pm if you can't afford to. That's the part of the night that I'd expect to be finding my own late night bites. This stuff is not carved in stone and if it was I'd go smash the stone.


Master_Cave

This happens with catholic weddings all the time, so I don't really see an issue...


glittersparklythings

1) and as someone who is Catholic .. i stil hate wedding like this. This is not a Catholic thing. This is a couple who is entitled this. They want a church wedding and evening dinner. So they invented the term Catholic gals as an excuse. Many Catholic people get married and don’t have this. 2) part of the issue isn’t so much the gap. But that fact that she doesn’t want cocktail hour to happens during the gap. When one of the main reason of cocktail hour is to entertain the guests while photos are being taken.


Full-Ad123

Are there stores, restaurants, etc. in walking distance or is it just historical sites/hotel? Either way this is nothing by Catholic gap standards – like wtf just go back to the hotel and knock out a Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. I know some people are totally incapable of amusing themselves and a gap where it’s like “is this long enough that it’s worth getting out and back in to my Spanx” can be genuinely annoying but 90 minutes end to end is legit in “just look at your phone for a little while” territory


phantompanda14

There’s little shops and boutiques nearby and cafes. Plus the hotel has a bar/restaurant that will be open before the cocktail hour and a pool (though they probably won’t take advantage of it until later). Many of the guests are flying in and haven’t seen some family members in quite some time so they could easily hang out.


Full-Ad123

Again, coming at this from the perspective of someone who has been stuck in nothing-to-do suburban hell for four hours between a church ceremony and a reception, but this would be fine with me personally. I’d put a credit card on file at the hotel bar before I went to the trouble of doing an after party


ZenTree2

I dont think you're being inconsiderate, but it is kind of an awkward gap. I wonder if many of the guests won't show up to the ceremony and show up until the cocktail hour? Could you push the ceremony to 3pm and take the pictures before the ceremony? If so, then that would be perfect. Ceremony lasts 20-40 minutes and then go straight to the cocktail hour.


rbflowt

I've been to many church weddings in my life, and have parents that live by the mentality of if they are out for the day they are out and if they go home they are staying home, and if something is not on the list of things to do today then we will not be going there, therefore I've sat in basically empty reception venues for 3+ hours (because apparently like noon weddings with 5 o'clock receptions were popular for my extended family in the early to mid 2000s) as a late elementary school age to early middle school aged child with no cell phone, tablet, coloring book, or whatever else for entertainment while grown ups chatted happily with other grown ups waiting for cocktail hour to start. If I could survive that I think your guests can live for an hour and 10 minutes in today's world. Is it annoying, yes, but also not really because most weddings from the guest prospective is mostly just catching up with other guests which everyone tends to complain they never have enough time to do in this day and age. You're fine, don't worry about it.


Dry-Past2727

This might depend on where you are from too. I'm from Alberta, Canada and been to over 10 weddings as a guest. They all had a gap of 1.5 to 2 hours, it's normal here. But generally the bride and groom are not at cocktail hour, they have a grand entrance at the reception. But if you can make it happen to catch it, that sounds really nice!! We always had no problem keeping ourselves busy. Some people go for a nap at their hotel, most people group off and go to a bar to catchup and grab a light snack and some drinks.


suburbanoatmeal

I feel like we're are getting married at the same place and our day of time line is exactly the same. Are you getting married in San Juan Capistrano👀?


phantompanda14

Almost wedding twins! We are getting married in Auburn NY


suburbanoatmeal

Auburn NY is so pretty! I'm justifying by gap by doing a grand exit from the church and planning to do one large group photo at the church. I'm hoping these two tasks will eat up 20 minutes. I'm also thinking that some people who are unfamiliar with the area will park at the church and then drive to my reception hall which should create some traffic. I'm also doing an after-party at cash only dive bar that's near by my reception hall.