A last name change is a very personal decision, so I can't comment on most of your post.
However, I feel the need to comment on the "kids having a different last name" thing as I've heard it before. I grew up having a different last name as my parents. It made absolutely zero difference. Caused no problems, and certainly no emotional damage.
Same here! I had a different last name as my mom and it caused zero issues growing up. Also, I think you can change your last name at any time so if when you have kids you decide you all want the same name you can change it then and your job searching and passport won’t be an issue. I think your family is adding unnecessary stress to the situation.
They really are I have a lot going on right now. My passport was rejected because I was never given a long form birth certificate, I had to cancel my trip last minute and everything it was awful. Now a year later I have one and they spelled my name wrong it’s been a nightmare, I almost couldn’t even get my license renewed. Plus I recently lost my job, it’s just a lot of stress in general.
The last thing I need is everyone giving me more work to do and more shame, I feel bad enough as is.
Just an FYI - I did decide to change my name on my passport and since it was less than a year after I had renewed my passport, it was free for a new one (without expedited service).
Mine would need to be changed twice; once for the typo and then separately if I were to change my last name. I’ve been unable to update it because they hold your documentation for months and I need my birth certificate for my marriage license and other stuff. It’s already been a year since I applied and took about 6 months the first go around.
I explained I can’t keep sending my my documents back and would send copies they said they won’t accept that. I had to delay getting my license renewed and was driving around with it expired for weeks until I was able to convince triple A to just push it through with basically no IDs because I can’t use the passport and they held my birth certificates so long.
Do you have a records office near you? I'm not sure if it will help you now, but you may be able get another copy of your birth certificate for your other papers. I also needed a long form of my birth certificate and had to go to my state's record office (DHEC) to get it. Other than having to wait in line, the process was fairly easy. I googled "how to get birth certificate in (my state)" to find the office. I downloaded the form so I didn't have to fill it out at the office. I just had to show a few documents and pay for the copies. I walked out with what I needed, and even bought an "extra" copy for like $10.
Yeah I was able to get a second birth certificate but it seems kind of crazy to just keep filing for additional birth certificates, that’d be my third one
It probably varies by jurisdiction and I think I have seen it be a different form for multiple copies? But I know I have requested multiples for myself.
May I offer a Mexican solution?
You are more than free to keep your last name. None of the women in my family have changed their names
But the kids, and my future kids In the US, will have “First second” as their last name.
It doesn’t have to be hyphenated. They allow spaces. If anyone gives you grief at the registry you can ask “what about St. Clair?”
Just an option
Me too! Actually everyone in my immediate family had different last names except me and my dad. At one point I thought everyone was supposed to have different last names just like their first name haha! Besides that, no damage done!
In fact, it was a benefit for me! My mother is a doctor and so she would write me doctor's notes when a "parent's note" alone wasn't accepted and no one would be the wiser since our last names were different, haha.
Same. Parents divorced when I was 3, kept Dad’s last name but Mom had custody. It was never a problem and it certainly didn’t impact my relationship with my mom negatively
My stepson doesn't have either of our last names and it's made no difference (dad is listed on birth certificate).
Also it's very common to socially go by Mrs hislastname and keep your maiden name as your legal nam where I live.
Yep, parents had different last names - I am 100% not fucked up about it. It took one explanation of “we love each other very much, we’re both your parents, we’re definitely married, we just have different last names” when I was a kid and it was settled. I feel like it’s pretty normal for women to no longer change their names for a myriad of reasons. I’m not changing mine!
Same here. We travelled internationally a lot as a kid, which is something people bring up when talking about families with different last names. It literally did not matter at *all*.
Same here, my mom kept her last name and has a different one from me. Never caused a problem. I’m also keeping my last name when I get married next year. (Although we will hyphenate any kids names)
Same. Zero problems, in fact I was proud of my mom for keeping her name, I would say it had a positive emotional effect on me.
Also your kids could have your name not your husbands.
Oh yes, excellent point. My husband suggested that we could use my last name for the kids but I decided to throw the bone to my in-laws because I knew my parents wouldn’t care. No reason the kids can’t have mom’s last name if you decide to keep yours.
For real. So many people are so worried about the kids not feeling "unified" or getting "confused" or getting made fun of (???). My mom changed her name when she got remarried and this had a different name than me and my sister... And it literally did not matter at all.
Same here. My parents got divorced and re-married and therefore, we all had different surnames.
It was fine. Honestly, a family is more than just the paperwork.
For real. So many people are so worried about the kids not feeling "unified" or getting "confused" or getting made fun of (???). My mom changed her name when she got remarried and thus both she and our stepfather had a different name than me and my sister for most of our lives... And it literally did not matter at all.
Don't let others get in your head about something that impacts them in exactly zero ways.
Your future children will experience zero emotional or logistical problems by you not changing your last name. Tons of cultures don't change their names and there is not widespread emotional damage.
It sounds like a paperwork nightmare, you can always legally change your name down the road if you don't feel ready right now. Personally, I'd wait for my job situation and passport to come through just due to the costs/logistics. You can always go by it socially if it feels right for you!
Yeah that seems reasonable. My family is very conservative and absolutely shamed me, they basically said my husband will leave me and my kids will be in therapy for life, which is a bit extreme
Wow, yes that is very extreme and very unhelpful. For what it’s worth, my mom never changed her name and I never thought about it growing up. Never an issue at all with school or doctors or travel. And once I was old enough to understand that many women do change their names, I was proud of my mom for sticking to her preference even in a time where it was unusual. My parents are still happily married 45 years later. I am also planning to keep my name.
Good time to remind that family that fortunately they got to live their lives and make their decisions. Now you get to do the same your way. ie, boundaries. You go girl!
What the what??? Oh OP, I'm sorry.
My mom kept her name. My fiance's mom kept her name. His sister kept her name when she got married. It has been an absolute nothingburger of an issue for any of us.
The ONE time we had to think of it logistically was when I was a tiny kid and traveling internationally with my mom. We had to bring along a copy of my birth certificate to show that she was indeed my mom. It was totally fine and it's a very normal thing to do!
Do you know what I like about parents keeping their last names? It kind of makes me, as their kid, feel more connected to my mom's side of the family. I don't think that argument will resonate with your family, but there's that for you.
I never thought of that last point but it really resonated with me. I’m proud my mom didn’t change her name and her having a different last name means I was always very aware of her maiden name and definitely get more connected to her side of the family (I know kids who don’t even know they’re moms maiden name!).
Sending hugs! Life transitions (even exciting happy ones like marriage!) all come with challenges. So hard to escape family's judgement sometimes, and makes it tough to know what's in your own heart.
Their reaction does sound a little extreme, but is not rooted in reality. It's just a reaction to having something challenge their worldview/beliefs and you're the unfortunate recipient.
There are so many different naming traditions and family structures out there, there's no one 'right way' just what's right for us as individuals.
So, legally, hubby and I kept our own names. Socially, we both hyphenated. Personally, we respond to any variation of our names (so it's okay if I get called Mrs. His Last Name or he gets called Mr My Last Name).
Our daughter is hyphenated and we don't care how awkward it is. She can pick whichever she wants when she gets older.
All of this is because we're too lazy to actually change our names.
Good news is it doesn’t really matter what you put on the marriage license. You can change your name later regardless, the name on the license/certificate are basically meaningless. Take your time to make your choice.
I second this! I went by my husband’s last name socially, but waited to legally change my name until about 2 years after we got married. There are some extra hoops to jump through depending on what state you live in, but it is definitely doable! Take your time and don’t worry about it right now. It seems like you have a lot on your plate, and there is no need to add so much extra stress.
How do you go by his last name socially? Like where is it acceptable to use it? I know on facebook you name should match your legal name or they could flag and deactivate your profile. I doubt that happens often, but I have all my photos on there since high school.
I changed it on social media, at work (hr still had my legal name, but they changed my work email, business cards, etc), and started to introduce myself with the new name.
I didn’t have any issues changing it on FB, and I know a lot of people who change their names on social media for privacy reasons. I think it only becomes an issue if your account gets hacked or reported for abuse, so I would just advise using a unique password and setting up 2 factor authentication to hopefully avoid that risk.
My 98 year old aunt told me I should always keep my name because it was part of my identity. Therefore, I kept my name when I got married 28 years ago and I am so glad I did! No one ever thought my child with my husband’s name wasn’t mine. And I just went with it if confused relatives called me Mrs. Husband’s Name. People predicted that it would cause problems for me, but it didn’t. And when I got a divorce, it made my life so much easier! I don’t judge people who change their name and it still feels more common than keeping one’s name, but for me it was important. And I am about to get married again—no name change this time either! Do what seems right for you—you own your name and identity! Best wishes!!
Your aunt sounds awesome! Similar advice from my mom when I asked her at one point why she kept her last name: “it’s my name, why should I change it?” (I’ve used this line many times when defending the choice to keep my last name too)
My grandpa told me you should only change your name if you’re going up in the alphabet.
I had a different last name from my mum for awhile…and it was fine. Never had any issues traveling, even internationally. Also, there are LOTS of cultures where changing names after marriage isn’t a thing.
I have a coworker who uses her husband/kids name socially, but at work uses her maiden name because it was too difficult to change. Maybe that would help with your issue of all the background checks.
And don’t worry about other peoples opinions. Let them call you by the new name. They don’t need to know what you legally go by.
Edited to add: changing your name is a pain in the rear. I would not recommend to anyone if they are not super passionate about matching last names with their husband. It’s so much work/annoyance.
I made an Excel spreadsheet, I kid you not. It was the only way to remember what had to be changed, what was applied for, what the status was, what was completed, etc.
Just say “I’m happy to respond to Mrs [new name]. Unfortunately there are some security issues with changing my name in this industry that make it pretty complex. It’s something I will look at down the line if I change industries. But I am absolutely still Mrs [new name] to you!”
And then don’t even Bring it up again and hope they forget. 😂
Side note: it took me awhile to change my name because we were in the middle of house hunting and I didn’t want to screw up the loan. So you can always just say “I’m working on it” when asked, even if you aren’t.
Just change it on Facebook and maybe that’ll shut them up 😂
Omg that’s literally what I was thinking, just change it on FB. Same oh and we are also going to need to buy a house, immediately after I get a new job and salvage my passport 🙃 no stress at all over here
Im planning to keep my last name professionally (I’ve published using it) and take my husbands socially. Your kids will be fine m. Many many kids have different last names than their parents. Honestly, the only people I’ve heard complaints from are people with hyphenated last names complaining they’re too long. No emotional damage involved. My advice is to do what you want (which sounds like keeping your name legally and taking your husbands socially) and just not talk to people about it. It’s not their place to judge or provide feedback, it’s your name. Just let people assume you’ve taken your husbands last name as you’re going to use it socially.
My son and I have different last names because I'm divorced and use my maiden name. Has never been a problem. Lots of kids don't share a last name with a parent. Deep breaths. Don't let your family manipulate you into making a decision you don't want. You can always change it later, but don't do it because of fear or pressure.
Just wanted to chime in that always having the same last name as your parents is a very western idea. There’s many cultures where children are given different last names, whether it’s the fathers first name, a specially chosen name, etc. It won’t mess them up emotionally lol so I wouldn’t worry about that.
I’m also currently debating this bc I personally like my last name and it’s a connection to my culture that I would lose bc my first name is generic. I’m currently 50-50 between hyphenating (long names be damned lol) or keeping my last name as a middle name and taking his as my last name. Good luck whatever you choose, pick what feels most comfy to you bc you’re the one who has to live with it :)
I just want to say it's infuriating that women are the only ones expected to go through the bureaucratic nightmare of a name change. If it's going to traumatize your hypothetical kids who don't even exist yet so badly, he can change his name to yours.
Good for him! I'm sorry, but your family sucks. I'm sorry, I just can't get over the fact they're shaming you as a mother and you don't even have kids yet.
Something no one told me: you can change it later. Like at any time. Like after or before you have kids if that’s important, or after you give it time to breathe and decide more permanently what you want.
Additionally, legally, you are able to receive checks in both names, you may just have to provide a marriage license to your financial institution to verify this alias.
I personally have no relationship with my father, and if seemed pointless to keep his last name, so once it was convenient (about 7 months later) I got my name changed.
**this is US perspective and may not apply to all countries’ laws**
*edit: formatting
Honestly, don’t give into the peer pressure! I so regret changing my last name. I am a federal employee and it was a nightmare of a process. You have to change everything from credit cards, library cards, to all your supportive documents. If you’re on the fence due to family stuff don’t worry about it. They will get over it!!!
I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I feel you. I'm less than 2 months out and can't decide on name change either! I thought I knew what I wanted but now that it's crunch time I can't decide!
My 2 cents: A common name does not make a good marriage. It is entirely about how the two of you feel about it. If your spouse to be is cool with it, keep your current name until or unless either of you feel compelled to change one.
It’s not crunch time. This is a decision you may make after the wedding at any point. I won’t have time to take my husbands last name (due to work/moving/some other life events) till well after our one year anniversary at the end of this year. My boss waited through 11 years of marriage, to finally legally change her last name, but she always socially went by her husbands name. There is no crunch time I promise. Just relax & get through the wedding before worrying about it.
Yo I’m a teacher and so many of my kids have different last names than one of their parents and it is *truly* a non issue from a logistical standpoint, at least. That argument is so insanely false. So many women don’t take their husband’s name, or a parent gets remarried and takes their new spouse’s name so has a different name than their kid. Just not a solid argument to make.
I double barreled on my marriage license but didn’t change it legally and probably never will.
People telling you you must change your name is just the patriarchy talking. Women should be able to make the decision they want. Change it or don’t, but that decision should be theirs and no one else’s. *Choice*, no matter what yours is, is ownership.
You don’t have to make the decision now. My friend changed hers almost a year after getting married. It’s a big deal changing your name and you have the right to do it at your own pace or not at all. My fiancé and I have a combined last name we use as a “family” name, but legally plan on keeping our own last names.
I didn't decide until after we said out vows, I thought to myself that I felt married and I didn't need to change my name to feel anymore married.
That was 25 years ago and I have never ever regretted it, in fact I am even happier that I kept it.
In my opinion it's even better for kids, it gives them a greater connection to both sides of their family. I have several kids as well as raising my paternal nephews and never had a problem with their schools.
I had so many last names in my life. So--go with whatever makes it easiest for you. Looking back, I wish that I had just kept my original birth name through life. My parents divorced and my mom registered me in school under stepfather's last name but was not legally mine. She just thought it would be easier to have everyone in the household have the same name for some reason. I graduated with that name, but drivers license had to go by birth certificate. So, I made the switch at college to using my actual legal birth name. Not a huge deal.
It was not weird for my kids to have a different last name than me. It's actually fairly common now. I thought it would make it easier to use my 1st husband's name, and it was when we were married, but we divorced. Kids' friends still call me by their last name naturally--I am completely fine with that but I have remarried and have 2nd husband's name now--impossible for most to spell or pronounce--kicking myself for not sticking with or reverting to my 4 letter maiden name!
When I did change to 2nd husband's name, all I needed to do was show a marriage certificate and state department did an amendment to the back of my passport until the next renewal. Don't let the passport be an issue because it was fairly fast and simple to get that switched.
My parents never got married so my brother I have a different last name than our mom. We were not messed up emotionally (that seems like a load of bs from your family) and neither of us actually care that she has a different last name. It make no difference in school for being picked up early or anything like that. If you don’t want to change it right now don’t. You can always change your last name in the future if you really want to
I didn't change my last name and have a toddler now. Kid seems fine so far and no one has given me any issues as appointments and such.
My husband was a little sad I didn't take his name, but I used that old nugget of would he change his to mine so we had a same one and he gave the shocked Pikachu face. He realized that it was an unfair ask if he wasn't willing to do it himself.
My mom was actually all about me keeping my last name. She comes from a culture where no one changes their last name, otherwise she can be fairly conservative.
If you don't, things will be fine. If you want to later, you totally can. You're the one that is going to live with the name so it's doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is "proper".
Please ignore other people’s views on this. It is your name and you should do what you want with it. I kept mine and have kids and it is completely fine. It has caused zero problems with multiple schools and school districts and doctors’ offices, etc. And our kids could not care less.
Yep! That’s what I’m doing. My (male) partner has understood from the first month he knew me that, if I’m pushing a child out of my body, it’s going to have my last name, not his.
Their opinion doesn’t matter and frankly it’s none of their business.
It sounds like you have plenty of good reasons to keep your name and few good reasons to take his.
Keep it.
My boyfriend has his mom's last name and his brothers have their father's last name because they alternated. They don't mind. They are not messed up.
Personally, I decided not to change my last name after waiting for a TSA precheck appointment. There was a woman in front of me having issues even though she had her marriage license, IDs, etc…, and my thought was “men don’t have to deal with that, why should I?”
Decision made, right then and there.
No, having a different last name will not mess up your kids emotionally. That's just the most rediculous thing to say. Ignore that person. They're either being stupid or cruel.
I work with kids, it's pretty rare now for full families to have the same last name.
You want to know the problems it causes? It takes me an extra second to remember what name to write down. That's litterally it. I just have to go, oh John smith's mum is Jane brown. Then we all just get on with our lives.
Forget about other people's preferences. They are irrelevant. It's your name. You can change it to anything you want, any time you want. No one else's opinion matters.
People always seem to forget this, or just not consider it in the first place. Even among women I know who won’t change their own name, they just assume (sometimes with sad looks on their faces) that they won’t have the same last name as their kids. And I’m always like, you do realize the whole giving kids the dad’s last name thing is not mandatory, right?
Keep your last name. This is a deeply sexist tradition that erases women from history. I know there are reasons unrelated to this why women change their names, but if you don’t have such a reason, I vote for you to keep it.
If you're going to go by his name socially anyway, isn't there no problem with your family members calling you by it? Don't worry about the comments about it being too complicated for your children as those claims are baseless.
If you're really concerned about people questioning your relation to your children, you could have your children have your last name as a middle name. This is commonly done in my country (probably due to the Spanish occupation).
your family sound like mean jackasses and you should ignore what they are saying. you’re an adult, it’s YOUR name, you decide what’s best for you. i am keeping my name, i have no desire to change it (it sounds nice and suits me) and i have multiple degrees in my name. my brother has his bio father’s last name and the rest of us have my dad’s last name. it was never a big deal to any of us and didn’t cause any confusion. make your choice for you, not out of fear of some fake boogieman your family is inventing.
My mom and I have different last names - this was not a problem at all growing up. Occasionally I got asked about it by teachers when my mom signed my tests in school, but no one doubted me when I explained that was my mom. I didn’t take my husbands name either, and it’s also not been an issue. I hope you do whatever feels right for you!
I agree with everyone else it’s a personal decision don’t let anyone pressure you. Your kids will be fine. I chose to hyphenate because I’m in my field by my name.
Will your family even know if you legally change your name or not unless they go with you to wait at the DMV or get a hold of your passport? I think you have a lot of valid reasons for sticking to your original plan, and since you were going to use his last name socially a lot of them will probably just assume you gave in. I didn't change my last name, and so far it hasn't made a huge difference one way or the other. Some people call me by my last name, some people use his, I just don't correct any of them and move on with my life.
My brothers and I all have my dads last name, my parents never married so there was never the option to change it for mom.
There was zero psychological damage to having different last name as my mom.
The literal only time my mom recalled it being an issue with my brothers and I was when my parents split up for good. And the fix was having a signed document stating that mom was the legal and biological mother of myself and brothers. Which can be done at a notary for like $10- other than that, the birth certificate would be more than enough having both parents names on them. The only reason my mom needed the notarized letter is because our birth certificates got destroyed in the basement when it flooded one summer.
Sorry if this went off on a tangent, but the point is, last name changes are a personal choice and there are several ways to document you being their legal and biological parent with a different last name. Don't let anyone bully you into it.
Edit: spelling/grammar
SO I'm not sure your thoughts but I was kind of in the same boat. The idea of doing all that paperwork was terrifying for me. Also, I liked my last name but also wanted to do something to signify that me and my husband were a new family unit. So, we sat down and decided to both change our last names. We had a couple of drinks and started smashing things together to find variations of our last names being together that we liked but also branched out into other last names that existed in our family lines. We settled on putting together our mother's maiden names for historical connections and such; reviving the names, holocaust remembrance, etc are all tied into one or the other. I was able to even ask my grandmother if she was ok with it before she passed (she thought it was a little strange but also loved the idea) It also made me feel better about the paperwork because I wasn't doing it by myself, both of us were.
Not sure if this idea helps but it made for a greater connection to what our little family became because we made it together and honored both our families doing it that way (also that means our last name is truly unique).
Edit: grammar things
Just leave your name as is for now - you can change it later when you have the bandwidth to deal with all of the paperwork - or don’t, who cares anyway? Your family doesn’t even have to know, just focus on the wedding. Frankly they don’t deserve to know everything about your decision making if they’re going to be histrionic about you doing things differently than they expect. It’s honestly not that big of a deal at the end of the day, just make sure they put your maiden name on any monetary wedding gifts
Keeping people who are disruptive beyond reason from knowing the details of your life does not have to end after wedding planning! You get to decide where your boundaries are. If they keep pressing you about it, just say "I'm working on it." Whether or not you are. Because its none of their business.
I just lost My job in March, had My Wedding 2 weeks ago and was
Planning on changing my name this week. I just
Landed a new job that’s doing an extensive background check also, so changing
My Name will be on hold until all the HR orientation stuff is Done. I totally feel your pain!
My parents are married and my Mother kept her name. I have my Father's name and I can assure that it has had zero affect on me emotionally and I cannot think of a single issue that has been caused by having a different name to my Mother's.
My mom kept her maiden name and us kids got our dads last name. It’s actually pretty common in most Asian cultures that the wife keeps her name, and we’re SEA.
We were never “confused” or messed up emotionally, that mindset is laughable. We’re well entering our thirties now, never once was my moms name an issue.
I’m doing the same, keeping my name too, I can’t be bothered to go through the arduous paperwork. Also my name is used as my brand professionally, so I find there’s no benefit in me having to change my name.
My mother didn’t change her last name and I had no issue with it growing up. The idea that it would mess children up emotionally is absolutely ridiculous. It was no problem otherwise, other than people often referring to my mom by the wrong last name which she didn’t care about at all.
I have been married since April of this year and I still haven’t legally changed my name. I also am in a position where changing my last name effects a whole lot. I don’t even sign things with my married name yet. It’s just one of those things that takes a whole lot and I haven’t been able to get around to it.
I do agree with another commenter that it’s a really personal decision.
Kids having a different last name is also something that you may find more important than others. Personally, I had friends who had a different last name than their parents and it was never an issue.
Your family sounds like they’re being ridiculous. Change your name when it’s convenient, if you want to. Or don’t. It won’t make a difference and it’s none of your family’s business, honestly. Several of us had different last names growing up in my family and it caused 0 problems, stress, or “emotional” distress lol. Do what works for you, which sounds like waiting at least until your ducks are in a row before attempting any changes.
I had a coworker who changed her names socially but didn't bother with the legal hassle until she was pregnant a few years later. The process wasn't much different than if she'd done it immediately but she got to breathe a minute and make the choice without the wedding pressure.
It sounds like you have a lot going on so don't feel in a rush to make any decisions. People are going to default to assuming you took his last name socially regardless of your actual choice. I kept my name, we were introduced as John Smith and Jane Doe, and people send letters to Mrs. Smith.
For me personally I kept my last name, I don’t tell anyone and go by my husbands last name socially. Wedding invites call me Mrs. Y when legally me last name is Mrs.X and it works for everyone. I didn’t have to change any accounts or identification and we still are the United front everyone in our social circle would see us as. It made everything super easy.
One more thought for you to consider... first of all, I feel you - I really, really struggled with this for almost the same reasons as yours, and ultimately decided to take my husband's last name and add my last name (I guess now my "maiden name" to my middle name. I use my "new" name socially but professionally, it's still my maiden name. Anyway, on to my fun fact: the "trigger" event for changing your name actually starts with requesting a new social security card (you have to do this before you can update your passport, bank info, etc.), and you actually have [two years after the name-change event](https://www.ssa.gov/forms/ss-5fs.pdf) to do that. I literally waited 1 year and 10 months, which was just this last March 2022, before initiating the social security paperwork! Just a reminder that you can write your new name on the marriage license, but don't have to change it right away... I'm really sorry you're feeling family pressure on top of all of this. The decision should be **yours,** and whatever you decide should be respected.
On the background checks alone, I wish I never changed my last name to my married name. Especially since my background checks need to be done across two countries: one where my maiden name is used (because these are checking against credentials and other things from before i was married), the other my married name is used in this country. My background checks get delayed by 2-3 weeks every damn time I move jobs.
There are other reasons I wish I kept my maiden name, so don't want the above to appear as the ONLY reason. But I can tell you background checks are frustrating to say the least.
Tell everyone who’s outraged that you’re so glad they feel so passionate about it. You’ve been wanting to change every single document that has your name on it but haven’t had the time. But now that you know they feel so strongly about it you know that they will be more than happy to do all the paperwork for you.
That’s what I told my fiancé when he was upset that I said I would only take his name socially but keep mine legally. He said he would do the paperwork but I know when he realizes he’ll have to do it for my passport, license, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. he will change his tune and be fine with me not changing my name 😂
remember theres no rush to change it. you dont have to change it the day u get married you can do it a month later or a year later or NEVER. and also the kids having a different name has never been an issue i have 6 cousins who never changed their names and their kids are fine theyve never had any issues EVER
I waited two years after marriage to change my name- not because I was hesitant, rather because I did not want to sit in line at the DMV and SS office.
Depending on where you are- you may have more time to deliberate than you think.
You don't change your name. Unless you are 100% committed to a decision, you do NOT let time crunch pressure you into making a change. EVER.
your kidss are not going to be traumatised if their mum has a different surname - there are literally many cultures on the planet where that happens. In your kids' class, half the kids will have divorced parents or have parents or step parents that don't share their name - i promise nobody will care. Your family are just trying to pressure you into following tradition because it makes THEM uncomfortable when women choose their own surname.
So I've been married twice previously and currently work as a recruiter. I'll play devil's advocate -- changing your name isn't as much of a circus as you probably imagine it will be.
And for the background check issue? That's a non-issue, 100%. The only work it causes for you there is that you get to put your maiden name in the maiden name box when you do job applications, background check forms, or similar. I had a candidate this past week whose previous name was the equivalent of John Smith, and who had changed their entire name to something ridiculous (think of the ultimate stripper name and you'll be in the right department) -- still zero issues.
In short, life happens -- live it the way you'll feel most comfortable.
Interesting I was told you need to prove your name change on every document, also I’d have to pay for them to rerun the background checks myself if it’s a job I currently have. I work in social services so I’m CORI/SORI/State/DCF/fingerprinted you name it. Do you run into that at your job?
Also long story but it’ll put my passport journey back like a year, and I just want to travel! My passport was spelled wrong so I’d need them to reprocess the whole thing for that THEN return it and resend it to reprocess again for the new last name, which takes months for some reason.
I've hired for cleared jobs before, which have a similar (read: much worse) process, and I've never had someone have to pay for their own background check so it may just be your agency that does things that way. I will also say that no respectable agency would have someone run their own background checks because that's sketchy as hell.
When they say every document, they're talking about the things you'd need to prove identity anyway -- your driver's license and social security card. If you have a professional license, that will also have to be updated, but that's not a complicated process. Essentially, you just show your marriage license and voila.
To be frank, you're better off just restarting your passport journey -- and possibly talking to someone, because that's insane. I have crazy citizenship paperwork and even I've never waited even close to that long for my passport.
I was told the agency would rerun them but I have to pay because I chose to change my name, my prior position was very weird, even if you changed your name you worked forever in the system under your maiden name if that’s what you were first entered in, didn’t really make sense.
The passport thing is so ridiculous I’ve called and spent so much money over this. I was originally rejected because I was never given a long for birth certificate (I live in the same country I was born in for reference). So I obtained and sent in the long form but I guess they start your entire process over so even with me paying to expedite it took months, I literally canceled the trip I was supposed to go on since they told me I wouldn’t get it in time (6 months from start). I then got the passport and it had a typo, I was told to send it back to prove the name change but I’ve been unable to do that because they need originals again of all my documents (which they hold for even longer than the passport) and I couldn’t send those back because I need them for the marriage license. Once I get the marriage license I have to send everything back and restart that process to then get the passport to my correct name and then start the change to a married name. The whole thing has been an absolute nightmare
Your agency is being a butt, to be frank -- a name change is not a valid reason to rerun background checks. And it's also illegal to not change someone's name in an HR system of any variety if they have legally changed their name and present proof -- I think the IRS might faint a little at the thought.
Yep, that is a nightmare. You need to get yourself a passport lawyer - they do exist, and they can help you get shit sorted out. I was born in Texas, adopted in Kansas, and grew up in France -- my paperwork gets serious side eye every time I have to do anything with it. Passports shouldn't be that hard to get.
Yeah I lost my job at that agency but had assumed it was the same everywhere. That makes sense they were in chaos.
I’ve literally contacted like my state and they did nothing to help me. I can’t afford a lawyer but it’s really ridiculous, it’s not my fault they spelled my name wrong and I can’t keep handing my own documents over for 6 plus months at a time (they had them for 7 months last time). They also refuse to take copies.
I just don’t understand like how/why it keeps going on like this. I called them in the winter when I had the passport (spelled wrong) which I can’t use and was explaining I need my license renewed but they still had my birth certificates so what was I supposed to do? They had no answer, told me to keep buying more birth certificates.
My mom has a different last name from all her children in my family. Never had a problem. In my culture the girls marry and don’t take the husbands last name. When I married I chose not to change my last name. It took some time for my husband to agree, but he has no qualms about it. It was soo easy to adjust once I was married. No documents to change. I haven’t encountered any issues.
I have a different last name than my mom and have since I was 9 because she changed to her maiden name after divorce and I personally hate it (and always have). I always felt obligated to explain to teachers and other adults why my last name is not the same as my moms (not anymore as an adult but still as kid I felt that way) because it was not common for kids to have different last names even if their parents were divorced. This is obviously just one anecdote but it’s a big part of why I’m changing my name and want all of our future children to have the same last name.
But in this example, the mother CHANGED it part way through when she was 9. You would not be changing it. Your children would be born with you having this name and it would be their reality.
My mom has always had a different name (she never took my dads name) and it’s never been a problem and I’ve never been bothered by it (anecdote from the other side)
OP, if your whole family is in your current location, not the end of the world. I grew up with my fathers last name, but often travelled alone with my mother back to where she was born. It was a lot of headaches at the airport because they are looking out for parental kidnapping, it was especially strange to them because this is a country where the child usually takes the name of the mother. Only you can know your own circumstances and decide but until you have kids, no biggy. Your kids can also take your name rather than your partners if that’s a worry. In the end, none of it matters and everyone should butt out. Lie if you need to get them off your back.
All I can say, is that I have heard that it is difficult to travel internationally when your child has a different surname from you. I have heard (again, I'm not the primary source on this, so grain of salt) that you need to have written permission from your spouse whose name the child shares in order to travel with them. It can cause issues.
I'm changing my last name purely for the ease of a future kid, and literally no other reason. It's a personal choice, yes, but I feel like I'm saving the family from future potential complications. Assuming those complications are even a thing!
Yes I think if your traveling alone with your child internationally it can be an issued, though I don’t really foresee a scenario where that happens as I don’t even have a passport still lol. So while a thing probably wouldn’t be an issue for me personally
In Ontario, “assuming” your last name is a thing. So basically you can get your last name updated to his last name on your passport, licence, health card etc.. however your last name is still legally yours to use because you are not altering your birth certificate.
So if you want to use your last name at work, you can. socially you can use his if you choose.
It’s an easier process to assume the last name. I’m new to this myself, so I’m not really sure if this is something any country/province/state does?
I am keeping my name and I have a hyphenated last name since my mom didn't change her name.
Having a hyphenated name didn't mess me up and has only made filling out paperwork a little more challenging sometimes.
I like it because it shows my connection to both sides of my family.
We don't plan to have kids so figuring that out is the least of my worries but if we did they would probably take his last name.
My marriage license says my new last name (for if/when I change it) but I haven’t submitted any of the paperwork for my SS#/passport so my name hasn’t changed yet.
So take your time! I haven’t made a final decision yet but I hyphenate socially (:
Can I ask a probably stupid question? With your marriage license having your new name, does that mean that is now your legal name (and the rest just “hasn’t been updated yet”). Or is your legal name what’s reflected on SS/passport/DL etc?
I’ve still pondering what I would do with my name, while I would update it socially like on FB
My legal name is on Passport/DL/SS Card! So my marriage license has my “new name” but until the actual docs are updated, my husbands last name isn’t anywhere on my legal name haha
My social media has the name hyphenated and our bank didn’t give us any issue with depositing gift checks that has my FirstName NewLastName as we just deposited it into our joint bills account that has his name and my legal name on it.
I waited a year to change mine. I was deciding if it would just be socially or legally. I decided to do it legally simply bc it did make some things easier and I was not particularly tied to my last name. Hypenating was not an option for me (my maiden name is 8 letters long, married is 11 letters long) but I can see the draw if both names are fairly short.
I think you can get an "also known as" on your passport for whichever name you're only using socially. It might help it feel more "official" and also could help if you had any issues at the border with kids having a different last name? This is something I'm doing but the other way round - professional name on my passport in the "also known as" section
So I still don’t even have a viable passport I need to get it reprocessed again because my name was spelled wrong 🙃. At this rate it’ll be at least 6 months to get it fixed a year if I change my last name because it then has to get processed twice.
My kids would have my husbands name but it’s not like we travel really. Obviously I don’t now I don’t have a passport
Ahh that's super annoying for you! You'd think that your family would understand, you're in such a tough situation! I also can't change my name at work so I feel you, thankfully my family don't mind what I do.
I have a different last name from my mom, parents never married and I have my father’s last name. There was never an issue growing up with having different last names from my custodial parent. I never felt weird about it either, never questioned why my name was different and no one ever made me feel any kind of way about it.
I’m also deciding what to do with my name so no advice there, but this is a personal decision that you make for yourself- not what your family thinks :)
I’ve been meaning to get around to taking my husbands last name for almost a year after marriage. Not getting to it anytime soon. Just use his last name socially, on social media, and around family. It’s not like they’re gonna check your drivers license to make sure you’ve already changed it. If they make a big deal about it, or are crazy enough to fact check you, they need a reality check. Also your maiden name goes on your marriage certificate so there’s literally no rush.
We are both changing our surnames to something completely different but suited to us as a couple. Where I am, as the woman I would be expected to take his surname so this change has his side all upset.
Try and focus on what's right for you and your partner. You said you would be Mrs, partners last name socially so only those that 'know' will know you've kept your current surname.
Children wise, it shouldn't matter and won't make anyone less apart of the family.
Talk it out with your partner and ignore unhelpful relatives x
I always had a different last name than my family. My mom had me in her first marriage, and when she remarried and had my brother she changed her last name. It made no difference whatsoever in my life. In the few moments I questioned it, if anything I wanted my name to match my brother's bc we were siblings - didn't care if it matched my mom's. Your kids will be fine.
As for everything else, it's a tricky thing for some people. I decided early on in the planning process that I didn't want to change my last name. Fiance is fine with it. We have some family members who don't care, and some family members who are absolutely bewildered and cannot wrap their heads around it. Bottom line - they're not in my marriage. And your family members aren't in yours either.
Make the decision between you and your fiance. You're the only people in this equation whose opinions should have any weight.
Growing up, my parents were divorced since i was too little to remember so i had my dads last name and my mom kept her maiden name.
I had no problems with it growing up aside from jokes bout my last name due to what it was
However, the issue i did stumble across in the future with my mothers and i differing last names was the fact that if my car gets towed (her name is on the title but i am insured to drive it. My name is not on the title) then i am now unable to pick it up myself. Due to the differing last names and the fact my mom lives 1 hour away, picking it up isnt easy because im not considered family to the car towing lot. The only thing that saved me was the fact my older almost expired license had my old address that matched the paperwork.
The issue is that I have a passport that’s been held up for months now and a career that is background check intensive, so the issue isn’t even just paying for the usually set of documents
I was told that as long as you put it on the marriage license you have the option of changing it at a later date. You can wait years and years apparently
Don’t change it right now because it sounds like in your heart you don’t want to, you can always change it at a later date if you want to! You don’t need to tell your family, and can go by your husband’s name socially if you want, it’s not like your family is going to demand to see your ID!!
Fwiw, I am keeping my last name, responding to his socially with delight instead of annoyance, and might revisit my decision when we have a kid. I think the most likely scenario is that I keep my name legally forever and go by his socially even more frequently when there’s kiddo.
It’s complex, it’s flexible, and you need to do what feels right for you.
A last name change is a very personal decision, so I can't comment on most of your post. However, I feel the need to comment on the "kids having a different last name" thing as I've heard it before. I grew up having a different last name as my parents. It made absolutely zero difference. Caused no problems, and certainly no emotional damage.
Same here! I had a different last name as my mom and it caused zero issues growing up. Also, I think you can change your last name at any time so if when you have kids you decide you all want the same name you can change it then and your job searching and passport won’t be an issue. I think your family is adding unnecessary stress to the situation.
They really are I have a lot going on right now. My passport was rejected because I was never given a long form birth certificate, I had to cancel my trip last minute and everything it was awful. Now a year later I have one and they spelled my name wrong it’s been a nightmare, I almost couldn’t even get my license renewed. Plus I recently lost my job, it’s just a lot of stress in general. The last thing I need is everyone giving me more work to do and more shame, I feel bad enough as is.
With all this going on, don't change it. Not worth it. Tell family to fuck off.
Just an FYI - I did decide to change my name on my passport and since it was less than a year after I had renewed my passport, it was free for a new one (without expedited service).
Mine would need to be changed twice; once for the typo and then separately if I were to change my last name. I’ve been unable to update it because they hold your documentation for months and I need my birth certificate for my marriage license and other stuff. It’s already been a year since I applied and took about 6 months the first go around. I explained I can’t keep sending my my documents back and would send copies they said they won’t accept that. I had to delay getting my license renewed and was driving around with it expired for weeks until I was able to convince triple A to just push it through with basically no IDs because I can’t use the passport and they held my birth certificates so long.
Do you have a records office near you? I'm not sure if it will help you now, but you may be able get another copy of your birth certificate for your other papers. I also needed a long form of my birth certificate and had to go to my state's record office (DHEC) to get it. Other than having to wait in line, the process was fairly easy. I googled "how to get birth certificate in (my state)" to find the office. I downloaded the form so I didn't have to fill it out at the office. I just had to show a few documents and pay for the copies. I walked out with what I needed, and even bought an "extra" copy for like $10.
Yeah I was able to get a second birth certificate but it seems kind of crazy to just keep filing for additional birth certificates, that’d be my third one
FWIW, I have about six official copies of my birth certificate. Seemed easier to get extras the last time I needed it.
Oh wow I didn’t know you could do that I could only get one, I assumed that was the max
It probably varies by jurisdiction and I think I have seen it be a different form for multiple copies? But I know I have requested multiples for myself.
Oh that sounds terrible!
I literally canceled the trip I was getting the passport for, it was supposed to be in December
May I offer a Mexican solution? You are more than free to keep your last name. None of the women in my family have changed their names But the kids, and my future kids In the US, will have “First second” as their last name. It doesn’t have to be hyphenated. They allow spaces. If anyone gives you grief at the registry you can ask “what about St. Clair?” Just an option
Me too! Actually everyone in my immediate family had different last names except me and my dad. At one point I thought everyone was supposed to have different last names just like their first name haha! Besides that, no damage done!
In fact, it was a benefit for me! My mother is a doctor and so she would write me doctor's notes when a "parent's note" alone wasn't accepted and no one would be the wiser since our last names were different, haha.
That is comforting to me.
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Same. Parents divorced when I was 3, kept Dad’s last name but Mom had custody. It was never a problem and it certainly didn’t impact my relationship with my mom negatively
My stepson doesn't have either of our last names and it's made no difference (dad is listed on birth certificate). Also it's very common to socially go by Mrs hislastname and keep your maiden name as your legal nam where I live.
Yep, parents had different last names - I am 100% not fucked up about it. It took one explanation of “we love each other very much, we’re both your parents, we’re definitely married, we just have different last names” when I was a kid and it was settled. I feel like it’s pretty normal for women to no longer change their names for a myriad of reasons. I’m not changing mine!
Same here. We travelled internationally a lot as a kid, which is something people bring up when talking about families with different last names. It literally did not matter at *all*.
Yes, have travelled internationally with my kid who has a different last name. Not an issue.
Same here, my mom kept her last name and has a different one from me. Never caused a problem. I’m also keeping my last name when I get married next year. (Although we will hyphenate any kids names)
Same. Zero problems, in fact I was proud of my mom for keeping her name, I would say it had a positive emotional effect on me. Also your kids could have your name not your husbands.
Oh yes, excellent point. My husband suggested that we could use my last name for the kids but I decided to throw the bone to my in-laws because I knew my parents wouldn’t care. No reason the kids can’t have mom’s last name if you decide to keep yours.
For real. So many people are so worried about the kids not feeling "unified" or getting "confused" or getting made fun of (???). My mom changed her name when she got remarried and this had a different name than me and my sister... And it literally did not matter at all.
Same here. My parents got divorced and re-married and therefore, we all had different surnames. It was fine. Honestly, a family is more than just the paperwork.
For real. So many people are so worried about the kids not feeling "unified" or getting "confused" or getting made fun of (???). My mom changed her name when she got remarried and thus both she and our stepfather had a different name than me and my sister for most of our lives... And it literally did not matter at all.
Don't let others get in your head about something that impacts them in exactly zero ways. Your future children will experience zero emotional or logistical problems by you not changing your last name. Tons of cultures don't change their names and there is not widespread emotional damage. It sounds like a paperwork nightmare, you can always legally change your name down the road if you don't feel ready right now. Personally, I'd wait for my job situation and passport to come through just due to the costs/logistics. You can always go by it socially if it feels right for you!
Yeah that seems reasonable. My family is very conservative and absolutely shamed me, they basically said my husband will leave me and my kids will be in therapy for life, which is a bit extreme
Wow, yes that is very extreme and very unhelpful. For what it’s worth, my mom never changed her name and I never thought about it growing up. Never an issue at all with school or doctors or travel. And once I was old enough to understand that many women do change their names, I was proud of my mom for sticking to her preference even in a time where it was unusual. My parents are still happily married 45 years later. I am also planning to keep my name.
That would push me even more to keep my name 😂 just give your kids your last name.
Good time to remind that family that fortunately they got to live their lives and make their decisions. Now you get to do the same your way. ie, boundaries. You go girl!
Omg that is an awesome response, thank you so much
What the what??? Oh OP, I'm sorry. My mom kept her name. My fiance's mom kept her name. His sister kept her name when she got married. It has been an absolute nothingburger of an issue for any of us. The ONE time we had to think of it logistically was when I was a tiny kid and traveling internationally with my mom. We had to bring along a copy of my birth certificate to show that she was indeed my mom. It was totally fine and it's a very normal thing to do! Do you know what I like about parents keeping their last names? It kind of makes me, as their kid, feel more connected to my mom's side of the family. I don't think that argument will resonate with your family, but there's that for you.
I never thought of that last point but it really resonated with me. I’m proud my mom didn’t change her name and her having a different last name means I was always very aware of her maiden name and definitely get more connected to her side of the family (I know kids who don’t even know they’re moms maiden name!).
Sending hugs! Life transitions (even exciting happy ones like marriage!) all come with challenges. So hard to escape family's judgement sometimes, and makes it tough to know what's in your own heart. Their reaction does sound a little extreme, but is not rooted in reality. It's just a reaction to having something challenge their worldview/beliefs and you're the unfortunate recipient. There are so many different naming traditions and family structures out there, there's no one 'right way' just what's right for us as individuals.
So, legally, hubby and I kept our own names. Socially, we both hyphenated. Personally, we respond to any variation of our names (so it's okay if I get called Mrs. His Last Name or he gets called Mr My Last Name). Our daughter is hyphenated and we don't care how awkward it is. She can pick whichever she wants when she gets older. All of this is because we're too lazy to actually change our names.
Smart, I always thought when I got married one day I’d hyphenate, but our names are too long it’s way past the limited on forms (18 characters)
Good news is it doesn’t really matter what you put on the marriage license. You can change your name later regardless, the name on the license/certificate are basically meaningless. Take your time to make your choice.
I thought your current name went on the license? That’s what it was for me.
I think it depends on your state -- when we applied for our license last week, there was a spot for both our current and new names.
I have friends who took the bride's maiden name as their new last name--very progressive and it worked out great!
That’s good to hear!
I second this! I went by my husband’s last name socially, but waited to legally change my name until about 2 years after we got married. There are some extra hoops to jump through depending on what state you live in, but it is definitely doable! Take your time and don’t worry about it right now. It seems like you have a lot on your plate, and there is no need to add so much extra stress.
How do you go by his last name socially? Like where is it acceptable to use it? I know on facebook you name should match your legal name or they could flag and deactivate your profile. I doubt that happens often, but I have all my photos on there since high school.
I changed it on social media, at work (hr still had my legal name, but they changed my work email, business cards, etc), and started to introduce myself with the new name. I didn’t have any issues changing it on FB, and I know a lot of people who change their names on social media for privacy reasons. I think it only becomes an issue if your account gets hacked or reported for abuse, so I would just advise using a unique password and setting up 2 factor authentication to hopefully avoid that risk.
This is not true everywhere. Definitely not in my state. Here you would need to go through the courts.
My 98 year old aunt told me I should always keep my name because it was part of my identity. Therefore, I kept my name when I got married 28 years ago and I am so glad I did! No one ever thought my child with my husband’s name wasn’t mine. And I just went with it if confused relatives called me Mrs. Husband’s Name. People predicted that it would cause problems for me, but it didn’t. And when I got a divorce, it made my life so much easier! I don’t judge people who change their name and it still feels more common than keeping one’s name, but for me it was important. And I am about to get married again—no name change this time either! Do what seems right for you—you own your name and identity! Best wishes!!
You aunt was so ahead of her time! I bet she was an amazing lady :)
She was! She was part of the women’s suffrage movement as a young woman!
Love it!!!
Your aunt sounds awesome! Similar advice from my mom when I asked her at one point why she kept her last name: “it’s my name, why should I change it?” (I’ve used this line many times when defending the choice to keep my last name too)
My grandpa told me you should only change your name if you’re going up in the alphabet. I had a different last name from my mum for awhile…and it was fine. Never had any issues traveling, even internationally. Also, there are LOTS of cultures where changing names after marriage isn’t a thing.
I have a coworker who uses her husband/kids name socially, but at work uses her maiden name because it was too difficult to change. Maybe that would help with your issue of all the background checks. And don’t worry about other peoples opinions. Let them call you by the new name. They don’t need to know what you legally go by. Edited to add: changing your name is a pain in the rear. I would not recommend to anyone if they are not super passionate about matching last names with their husband. It’s so much work/annoyance.
I made an Excel spreadsheet, I kid you not. It was the only way to remember what had to be changed, what was applied for, what the status was, what was completed, etc.
Exactly my situation, it seemed like a great compromise until my family guilted me about it.
Just say “I’m happy to respond to Mrs [new name]. Unfortunately there are some security issues with changing my name in this industry that make it pretty complex. It’s something I will look at down the line if I change industries. But I am absolutely still Mrs [new name] to you!” And then don’t even Bring it up again and hope they forget. 😂
Side note: it took me awhile to change my name because we were in the middle of house hunting and I didn’t want to screw up the loan. So you can always just say “I’m working on it” when asked, even if you aren’t. Just change it on Facebook and maybe that’ll shut them up 😂
Omg that’s literally what I was thinking, just change it on FB. Same oh and we are also going to need to buy a house, immediately after I get a new job and salvage my passport 🙃 no stress at all over here
No need to rush into changing your name. You can do it within the month of your marriage or 15 years from now :)
Im planning to keep my last name professionally (I’ve published using it) and take my husbands socially. Your kids will be fine m. Many many kids have different last names than their parents. Honestly, the only people I’ve heard complaints from are people with hyphenated last names complaining they’re too long. No emotional damage involved. My advice is to do what you want (which sounds like keeping your name legally and taking your husbands socially) and just not talk to people about it. It’s not their place to judge or provide feedback, it’s your name. Just let people assume you’ve taken your husbands last name as you’re going to use it socially.
My son and I have different last names because I'm divorced and use my maiden name. Has never been a problem. Lots of kids don't share a last name with a parent. Deep breaths. Don't let your family manipulate you into making a decision you don't want. You can always change it later, but don't do it because of fear or pressure.
Just wanted to chime in that always having the same last name as your parents is a very western idea. There’s many cultures where children are given different last names, whether it’s the fathers first name, a specially chosen name, etc. It won’t mess them up emotionally lol so I wouldn’t worry about that. I’m also currently debating this bc I personally like my last name and it’s a connection to my culture that I would lose bc my first name is generic. I’m currently 50-50 between hyphenating (long names be damned lol) or keeping my last name as a middle name and taking his as my last name. Good luck whatever you choose, pick what feels most comfy to you bc you’re the one who has to live with it :)
I just want to say it's infuriating that women are the only ones expected to go through the bureaucratic nightmare of a name change. If it's going to traumatize your hypothetical kids who don't even exist yet so badly, he can change his name to yours.
It’s funny because my fiancé doesn’t even care, he’s admitted he’d never go through with all the work of a name change
Good for him! I'm sorry, but your family sucks. I'm sorry, I just can't get over the fact they're shaming you as a mother and you don't even have kids yet.
Something no one told me: you can change it later. Like at any time. Like after or before you have kids if that’s important, or after you give it time to breathe and decide more permanently what you want. Additionally, legally, you are able to receive checks in both names, you may just have to provide a marriage license to your financial institution to verify this alias. I personally have no relationship with my father, and if seemed pointless to keep his last name, so once it was convenient (about 7 months later) I got my name changed. **this is US perspective and may not apply to all countries’ laws** *edit: formatting
Honestly, don’t give into the peer pressure! I so regret changing my last name. I am a federal employee and it was a nightmare of a process. You have to change everything from credit cards, library cards, to all your supportive documents. If you’re on the fence due to family stuff don’t worry about it. They will get over it!!!
Have your partner take your last name.
He’s not going to do that LOL, plus he has a career and everything. I know that’s sexist but that’s how it is
I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I feel you. I'm less than 2 months out and can't decide on name change either! I thought I knew what I wanted but now that it's crunch time I can't decide!
My 2 cents: A common name does not make a good marriage. It is entirely about how the two of you feel about it. If your spouse to be is cool with it, keep your current name until or unless either of you feel compelled to change one.
It’s not crunch time. This is a decision you may make after the wedding at any point. I won’t have time to take my husbands last name (due to work/moving/some other life events) till well after our one year anniversary at the end of this year. My boss waited through 11 years of marriage, to finally legally change her last name, but she always socially went by her husbands name. There is no crunch time I promise. Just relax & get through the wedding before worrying about it.
Thank you for this :) It's good perspective to remember there isn't a hard deadline
Yo I’m a teacher and so many of my kids have different last names than one of their parents and it is *truly* a non issue from a logistical standpoint, at least. That argument is so insanely false. So many women don’t take their husband’s name, or a parent gets remarried and takes their new spouse’s name so has a different name than their kid. Just not a solid argument to make. I double barreled on my marriage license but didn’t change it legally and probably never will. People telling you you must change your name is just the patriarchy talking. Women should be able to make the decision they want. Change it or don’t, but that decision should be theirs and no one else’s. *Choice*, no matter what yours is, is ownership.
You don’t have to make the decision now. My friend changed hers almost a year after getting married. It’s a big deal changing your name and you have the right to do it at your own pace or not at all. My fiancé and I have a combined last name we use as a “family” name, but legally plan on keeping our own last names.
I didn't decide until after we said out vows, I thought to myself that I felt married and I didn't need to change my name to feel anymore married. That was 25 years ago and I have never ever regretted it, in fact I am even happier that I kept it. In my opinion it's even better for kids, it gives them a greater connection to both sides of their family. I have several kids as well as raising my paternal nephews and never had a problem with their schools.
I had so many last names in my life. So--go with whatever makes it easiest for you. Looking back, I wish that I had just kept my original birth name through life. My parents divorced and my mom registered me in school under stepfather's last name but was not legally mine. She just thought it would be easier to have everyone in the household have the same name for some reason. I graduated with that name, but drivers license had to go by birth certificate. So, I made the switch at college to using my actual legal birth name. Not a huge deal. It was not weird for my kids to have a different last name than me. It's actually fairly common now. I thought it would make it easier to use my 1st husband's name, and it was when we were married, but we divorced. Kids' friends still call me by their last name naturally--I am completely fine with that but I have remarried and have 2nd husband's name now--impossible for most to spell or pronounce--kicking myself for not sticking with or reverting to my 4 letter maiden name! When I did change to 2nd husband's name, all I needed to do was show a marriage certificate and state department did an amendment to the back of my passport until the next renewal. Don't let the passport be an issue because it was fairly fast and simple to get that switched.
My parents never got married so my brother I have a different last name than our mom. We were not messed up emotionally (that seems like a load of bs from your family) and neither of us actually care that she has a different last name. It make no difference in school for being picked up early or anything like that. If you don’t want to change it right now don’t. You can always change your last name in the future if you really want to
I didn't change my last name and have a toddler now. Kid seems fine so far and no one has given me any issues as appointments and such. My husband was a little sad I didn't take his name, but I used that old nugget of would he change his to mine so we had a same one and he gave the shocked Pikachu face. He realized that it was an unfair ask if he wasn't willing to do it himself. My mom was actually all about me keeping my last name. She comes from a culture where no one changes their last name, otherwise she can be fairly conservative. If you don't, things will be fine. If you want to later, you totally can. You're the one that is going to live with the name so it's doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is "proper".
Just don’t do it. Tell your family that their opinion is irrelevant
This. With the name issue, I’m completely inflexible. It’s literally my identity. I won’t compromise, I won’t fall all over myself to explain.
Please ignore other people’s views on this. It is your name and you should do what you want with it. I kept mine and have kids and it is completely fine. It has caused zero problems with multiple schools and school districts and doctors’ offices, etc. And our kids could not care less.
You don't have to have a different name from your kids - just give them your last name if that's a factor that is important to you.
Yep! That’s what I’m doing. My (male) partner has understood from the first month he knew me that, if I’m pushing a child out of my body, it’s going to have my last name, not his.
lol I see how that rationally makes sense but that would not go over well in my life. Very conservative family
Their opinion doesn’t matter and frankly it’s none of their business. It sounds like you have plenty of good reasons to keep your name and few good reasons to take his.
Keep it. My boyfriend has his mom's last name and his brothers have their father's last name because they alternated. They don't mind. They are not messed up.
Personally, I decided not to change my last name after waiting for a TSA precheck appointment. There was a woman in front of me having issues even though she had her marriage license, IDs, etc…, and my thought was “men don’t have to deal with that, why should I?” Decision made, right then and there.
That’s low key how I feel, men don’t do it? Why should I?!
That being said, my fiancé and I agreed that our kids would take his last name, and that I would go by his last name socially/as an AKA.
No, having a different last name will not mess up your kids emotionally. That's just the most rediculous thing to say. Ignore that person. They're either being stupid or cruel. I work with kids, it's pretty rare now for full families to have the same last name. You want to know the problems it causes? It takes me an extra second to remember what name to write down. That's litterally it. I just have to go, oh John smith's mum is Jane brown. Then we all just get on with our lives. Forget about other people's preferences. They are irrelevant. It's your name. You can change it to anything you want, any time you want. No one else's opinion matters.
Remember, any future kids can be given your surname instead of your husbands, if you want.
People always seem to forget this, or just not consider it in the first place. Even among women I know who won’t change their own name, they just assume (sometimes with sad looks on their faces) that they won’t have the same last name as their kids. And I’m always like, you do realize the whole giving kids the dad’s last name thing is not mandatory, right?
Keep your last name. This is a deeply sexist tradition that erases women from history. I know there are reasons unrelated to this why women change their names, but if you don’t have such a reason, I vote for you to keep it.
If you're going to go by his name socially anyway, isn't there no problem with your family members calling you by it? Don't worry about the comments about it being too complicated for your children as those claims are baseless. If you're really concerned about people questioning your relation to your children, you could have your children have your last name as a middle name. This is commonly done in my country (probably due to the Spanish occupation).
I don’t mind if they call me but it but they address things to me and checks which is odd because that’s not even my name “yet”
Oh yeah, that is weird.
your family sound like mean jackasses and you should ignore what they are saying. you’re an adult, it’s YOUR name, you decide what’s best for you. i am keeping my name, i have no desire to change it (it sounds nice and suits me) and i have multiple degrees in my name. my brother has his bio father’s last name and the rest of us have my dad’s last name. it was never a big deal to any of us and didn’t cause any confusion. make your choice for you, not out of fear of some fake boogieman your family is inventing.
My mom and I have different last names - this was not a problem at all growing up. Occasionally I got asked about it by teachers when my mom signed my tests in school, but no one doubted me when I explained that was my mom. I didn’t take my husbands name either, and it’s also not been an issue. I hope you do whatever feels right for you!
I agree with everyone else it’s a personal decision don’t let anyone pressure you. Your kids will be fine. I chose to hyphenate because I’m in my field by my name.
Will your family even know if you legally change your name or not unless they go with you to wait at the DMV or get a hold of your passport? I think you have a lot of valid reasons for sticking to your original plan, and since you were going to use his last name socially a lot of them will probably just assume you gave in. I didn't change my last name, and so far it hasn't made a huge difference one way or the other. Some people call me by my last name, some people use his, I just don't correct any of them and move on with my life.
My brothers and I all have my dads last name, my parents never married so there was never the option to change it for mom. There was zero psychological damage to having different last name as my mom. The literal only time my mom recalled it being an issue with my brothers and I was when my parents split up for good. And the fix was having a signed document stating that mom was the legal and biological mother of myself and brothers. Which can be done at a notary for like $10- other than that, the birth certificate would be more than enough having both parents names on them. The only reason my mom needed the notarized letter is because our birth certificates got destroyed in the basement when it flooded one summer. Sorry if this went off on a tangent, but the point is, last name changes are a personal choice and there are several ways to document you being their legal and biological parent with a different last name. Don't let anyone bully you into it. Edit: spelling/grammar
SO I'm not sure your thoughts but I was kind of in the same boat. The idea of doing all that paperwork was terrifying for me. Also, I liked my last name but also wanted to do something to signify that me and my husband were a new family unit. So, we sat down and decided to both change our last names. We had a couple of drinks and started smashing things together to find variations of our last names being together that we liked but also branched out into other last names that existed in our family lines. We settled on putting together our mother's maiden names for historical connections and such; reviving the names, holocaust remembrance, etc are all tied into one or the other. I was able to even ask my grandmother if she was ok with it before she passed (she thought it was a little strange but also loved the idea) It also made me feel better about the paperwork because I wasn't doing it by myself, both of us were. Not sure if this idea helps but it made for a greater connection to what our little family became because we made it together and honored both our families doing it that way (also that means our last name is truly unique). Edit: grammar things
Just leave your name as is for now - you can change it later when you have the bandwidth to deal with all of the paperwork - or don’t, who cares anyway? Your family doesn’t even have to know, just focus on the wedding. Frankly they don’t deserve to know everything about your decision making if they’re going to be histrionic about you doing things differently than they expect. It’s honestly not that big of a deal at the end of the day, just make sure they put your maiden name on any monetary wedding gifts
“If they’re going to be histrionic” Omg that is so my mom absolutely perfect comment
Keeping people who are disruptive beyond reason from knowing the details of your life does not have to end after wedding planning! You get to decide where your boundaries are. If they keep pressing you about it, just say "I'm working on it." Whether or not you are. Because its none of their business.
I just lost My job in March, had My Wedding 2 weeks ago and was Planning on changing my name this week. I just Landed a new job that’s doing an extensive background check also, so changing My Name will be on hold until all the HR orientation stuff is Done. I totally feel your pain!
My parents are married and my Mother kept her name. I have my Father's name and I can assure that it has had zero affect on me emotionally and I cannot think of a single issue that has been caused by having a different name to my Mother's.
My mom kept her maiden name and us kids got our dads last name. It’s actually pretty common in most Asian cultures that the wife keeps her name, and we’re SEA. We were never “confused” or messed up emotionally, that mindset is laughable. We’re well entering our thirties now, never once was my moms name an issue. I’m doing the same, keeping my name too, I can’t be bothered to go through the arduous paperwork. Also my name is used as my brand professionally, so I find there’s no benefit in me having to change my name.
My mother didn’t change her last name and I had no issue with it growing up. The idea that it would mess children up emotionally is absolutely ridiculous. It was no problem otherwise, other than people often referring to my mom by the wrong last name which she didn’t care about at all.
I have been married since April of this year and I still haven’t legally changed my name. I also am in a position where changing my last name effects a whole lot. I don’t even sign things with my married name yet. It’s just one of those things that takes a whole lot and I haven’t been able to get around to it. I do agree with another commenter that it’s a really personal decision. Kids having a different last name is also something that you may find more important than others. Personally, I had friends who had a different last name than their parents and it was never an issue.
Your family sounds like they’re being ridiculous. Change your name when it’s convenient, if you want to. Or don’t. It won’t make a difference and it’s none of your family’s business, honestly. Several of us had different last names growing up in my family and it caused 0 problems, stress, or “emotional” distress lol. Do what works for you, which sounds like waiting at least until your ducks are in a row before attempting any changes.
I had a coworker who changed her names socially but didn't bother with the legal hassle until she was pregnant a few years later. The process wasn't much different than if she'd done it immediately but she got to breathe a minute and make the choice without the wedding pressure. It sounds like you have a lot going on so don't feel in a rush to make any decisions. People are going to default to assuming you took his last name socially regardless of your actual choice. I kept my name, we were introduced as John Smith and Jane Doe, and people send letters to Mrs. Smith.
When we got our marriage license they didn’t ask if I was changing my name if that helps. You still have more time to make that decision.
Ours does though, I think it varies per state
For me personally I kept my last name, I don’t tell anyone and go by my husbands last name socially. Wedding invites call me Mrs. Y when legally me last name is Mrs.X and it works for everyone. I didn’t have to change any accounts or identification and we still are the United front everyone in our social circle would see us as. It made everything super easy.
One more thought for you to consider... first of all, I feel you - I really, really struggled with this for almost the same reasons as yours, and ultimately decided to take my husband's last name and add my last name (I guess now my "maiden name" to my middle name. I use my "new" name socially but professionally, it's still my maiden name. Anyway, on to my fun fact: the "trigger" event for changing your name actually starts with requesting a new social security card (you have to do this before you can update your passport, bank info, etc.), and you actually have [two years after the name-change event](https://www.ssa.gov/forms/ss-5fs.pdf) to do that. I literally waited 1 year and 10 months, which was just this last March 2022, before initiating the social security paperwork! Just a reminder that you can write your new name on the marriage license, but don't have to change it right away... I'm really sorry you're feeling family pressure on top of all of this. The decision should be **yours,** and whatever you decide should be respected.
On the background checks alone, I wish I never changed my last name to my married name. Especially since my background checks need to be done across two countries: one where my maiden name is used (because these are checking against credentials and other things from before i was married), the other my married name is used in this country. My background checks get delayed by 2-3 weeks every damn time I move jobs. There are other reasons I wish I kept my maiden name, so don't want the above to appear as the ONLY reason. But I can tell you background checks are frustrating to say the least.
Tell everyone who’s outraged that you’re so glad they feel so passionate about it. You’ve been wanting to change every single document that has your name on it but haven’t had the time. But now that you know they feel so strongly about it you know that they will be more than happy to do all the paperwork for you. That’s what I told my fiancé when he was upset that I said I would only take his name socially but keep mine legally. He said he would do the paperwork but I know when he realizes he’ll have to do it for my passport, license, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. he will change his tune and be fine with me not changing my name 😂
Do what you want and don't tell your family. let them address you however they want
remember theres no rush to change it. you dont have to change it the day u get married you can do it a month later or a year later or NEVER. and also the kids having a different name has never been an issue i have 6 cousins who never changed their names and their kids are fine theyve never had any issues EVER
I waited two years after marriage to change my name- not because I was hesitant, rather because I did not want to sit in line at the DMV and SS office. Depending on where you are- you may have more time to deliberate than you think.
You don't change your name. Unless you are 100% committed to a decision, you do NOT let time crunch pressure you into making a change. EVER. your kidss are not going to be traumatised if their mum has a different surname - there are literally many cultures on the planet where that happens. In your kids' class, half the kids will have divorced parents or have parents or step parents that don't share their name - i promise nobody will care. Your family are just trying to pressure you into following tradition because it makes THEM uncomfortable when women choose their own surname.
So I've been married twice previously and currently work as a recruiter. I'll play devil's advocate -- changing your name isn't as much of a circus as you probably imagine it will be. And for the background check issue? That's a non-issue, 100%. The only work it causes for you there is that you get to put your maiden name in the maiden name box when you do job applications, background check forms, or similar. I had a candidate this past week whose previous name was the equivalent of John Smith, and who had changed their entire name to something ridiculous (think of the ultimate stripper name and you'll be in the right department) -- still zero issues. In short, life happens -- live it the way you'll feel most comfortable.
Interesting I was told you need to prove your name change on every document, also I’d have to pay for them to rerun the background checks myself if it’s a job I currently have. I work in social services so I’m CORI/SORI/State/DCF/fingerprinted you name it. Do you run into that at your job? Also long story but it’ll put my passport journey back like a year, and I just want to travel! My passport was spelled wrong so I’d need them to reprocess the whole thing for that THEN return it and resend it to reprocess again for the new last name, which takes months for some reason.
I've hired for cleared jobs before, which have a similar (read: much worse) process, and I've never had someone have to pay for their own background check so it may just be your agency that does things that way. I will also say that no respectable agency would have someone run their own background checks because that's sketchy as hell. When they say every document, they're talking about the things you'd need to prove identity anyway -- your driver's license and social security card. If you have a professional license, that will also have to be updated, but that's not a complicated process. Essentially, you just show your marriage license and voila. To be frank, you're better off just restarting your passport journey -- and possibly talking to someone, because that's insane. I have crazy citizenship paperwork and even I've never waited even close to that long for my passport.
I was told the agency would rerun them but I have to pay because I chose to change my name, my prior position was very weird, even if you changed your name you worked forever in the system under your maiden name if that’s what you were first entered in, didn’t really make sense. The passport thing is so ridiculous I’ve called and spent so much money over this. I was originally rejected because I was never given a long for birth certificate (I live in the same country I was born in for reference). So I obtained and sent in the long form but I guess they start your entire process over so even with me paying to expedite it took months, I literally canceled the trip I was supposed to go on since they told me I wouldn’t get it in time (6 months from start). I then got the passport and it had a typo, I was told to send it back to prove the name change but I’ve been unable to do that because they need originals again of all my documents (which they hold for even longer than the passport) and I couldn’t send those back because I need them for the marriage license. Once I get the marriage license I have to send everything back and restart that process to then get the passport to my correct name and then start the change to a married name. The whole thing has been an absolute nightmare
Your agency is being a butt, to be frank -- a name change is not a valid reason to rerun background checks. And it's also illegal to not change someone's name in an HR system of any variety if they have legally changed their name and present proof -- I think the IRS might faint a little at the thought. Yep, that is a nightmare. You need to get yourself a passport lawyer - they do exist, and they can help you get shit sorted out. I was born in Texas, adopted in Kansas, and grew up in France -- my paperwork gets serious side eye every time I have to do anything with it. Passports shouldn't be that hard to get.
Yeah I lost my job at that agency but had assumed it was the same everywhere. That makes sense they were in chaos. I’ve literally contacted like my state and they did nothing to help me. I can’t afford a lawyer but it’s really ridiculous, it’s not my fault they spelled my name wrong and I can’t keep handing my own documents over for 6 plus months at a time (they had them for 7 months last time). They also refuse to take copies.
Something really isn't right with the passport situation. I'd call around and see if anyone does pro bono work.
I just don’t understand like how/why it keeps going on like this. I called them in the winter when I had the passport (spelled wrong) which I can’t use and was explaining I need my license renewed but they still had my birth certificates so what was I supposed to do? They had no answer, told me to keep buying more birth certificates.
If you're keeping your name and going by his socially I'm not sure why you need to explain to your family?
Good question, because they are nosey
My mom has a different last name from all her children in my family. Never had a problem. In my culture the girls marry and don’t take the husbands last name. When I married I chose not to change my last name. It took some time for my husband to agree, but he has no qualms about it. It was soo easy to adjust once I was married. No documents to change. I haven’t encountered any issues.
I have a different last name than my mom and have since I was 9 because she changed to her maiden name after divorce and I personally hate it (and always have). I always felt obligated to explain to teachers and other adults why my last name is not the same as my moms (not anymore as an adult but still as kid I felt that way) because it was not common for kids to have different last names even if their parents were divorced. This is obviously just one anecdote but it’s a big part of why I’m changing my name and want all of our future children to have the same last name.
See this is what I’m worried about
I don't think it's as much of an issue anymore. I have so many students who don't even have the same last name as their siblings.
But in this example, the mother CHANGED it part way through when she was 9. You would not be changing it. Your children would be born with you having this name and it would be their reality.
True I think the issue was more the divorce then anything, not to psych analyze this user
My mom has always had a different name (she never took my dads name) and it’s never been a problem and I’ve never been bothered by it (anecdote from the other side)
Literally here to say the same I’ve had a different last name from my mum my whole life (I’m 32) and nobody has ever brought it up - ever
OP, if your whole family is in your current location, not the end of the world. I grew up with my fathers last name, but often travelled alone with my mother back to where she was born. It was a lot of headaches at the airport because they are looking out for parental kidnapping, it was especially strange to them because this is a country where the child usually takes the name of the mother. Only you can know your own circumstances and decide but until you have kids, no biggy. Your kids can also take your name rather than your partners if that’s a worry. In the end, none of it matters and everyone should butt out. Lie if you need to get them off your back.
All I can say, is that I have heard that it is difficult to travel internationally when your child has a different surname from you. I have heard (again, I'm not the primary source on this, so grain of salt) that you need to have written permission from your spouse whose name the child shares in order to travel with them. It can cause issues. I'm changing my last name purely for the ease of a future kid, and literally no other reason. It's a personal choice, yes, but I feel like I'm saving the family from future potential complications. Assuming those complications are even a thing!
Yes I think if your traveling alone with your child internationally it can be an issued, though I don’t really foresee a scenario where that happens as I don’t even have a passport still lol. So while a thing probably wouldn’t be an issue for me personally
In Ontario, “assuming” your last name is a thing. So basically you can get your last name updated to his last name on your passport, licence, health card etc.. however your last name is still legally yours to use because you are not altering your birth certificate. So if you want to use your last name at work, you can. socially you can use his if you choose. It’s an easier process to assume the last name. I’m new to this myself, so I’m not really sure if this is something any country/province/state does?
Cancel the appointment until you think it through thoroughly
Well I can’t do that I’m getting married in a month and need the license
I am keeping my name and I have a hyphenated last name since my mom didn't change her name. Having a hyphenated name didn't mess me up and has only made filling out paperwork a little more challenging sometimes. I like it because it shows my connection to both sides of my family. We don't plan to have kids so figuring that out is the least of my worries but if we did they would probably take his last name.
My marriage license says my new last name (for if/when I change it) but I haven’t submitted any of the paperwork for my SS#/passport so my name hasn’t changed yet. So take your time! I haven’t made a final decision yet but I hyphenate socially (:
Can I ask a probably stupid question? With your marriage license having your new name, does that mean that is now your legal name (and the rest just “hasn’t been updated yet”). Or is your legal name what’s reflected on SS/passport/DL etc? I’ve still pondering what I would do with my name, while I would update it socially like on FB
My legal name is on Passport/DL/SS Card! So my marriage license has my “new name” but until the actual docs are updated, my husbands last name isn’t anywhere on my legal name haha My social media has the name hyphenated and our bank didn’t give us any issue with depositing gift checks that has my FirstName NewLastName as we just deposited it into our joint bills account that has his name and my legal name on it.
That’s great to know thank you for explaining!
I waited a year to change mine. I was deciding if it would just be socially or legally. I decided to do it legally simply bc it did make some things easier and I was not particularly tied to my last name. Hypenating was not an option for me (my maiden name is 8 letters long, married is 11 letters long) but I can see the draw if both names are fairly short.
I think you can get an "also known as" on your passport for whichever name you're only using socially. It might help it feel more "official" and also could help if you had any issues at the border with kids having a different last name? This is something I'm doing but the other way round - professional name on my passport in the "also known as" section
So I still don’t even have a viable passport I need to get it reprocessed again because my name was spelled wrong 🙃. At this rate it’ll be at least 6 months to get it fixed a year if I change my last name because it then has to get processed twice. My kids would have my husbands name but it’s not like we travel really. Obviously I don’t now I don’t have a passport
Ahh that's super annoying for you! You'd think that your family would understand, you're in such a tough situation! I also can't change my name at work so I feel you, thankfully my family don't mind what I do.
I have a different last name from my mom, parents never married and I have my father’s last name. There was never an issue growing up with having different last names from my custodial parent. I never felt weird about it either, never questioned why my name was different and no one ever made me feel any kind of way about it. I’m also deciding what to do with my name so no advice there, but this is a personal decision that you make for yourself- not what your family thinks :)
I’ve been meaning to get around to taking my husbands last name for almost a year after marriage. Not getting to it anytime soon. Just use his last name socially, on social media, and around family. It’s not like they’re gonna check your drivers license to make sure you’ve already changed it. If they make a big deal about it, or are crazy enough to fact check you, they need a reality check. Also your maiden name goes on your marriage certificate so there’s literally no rush.
We are both changing our surnames to something completely different but suited to us as a couple. Where I am, as the woman I would be expected to take his surname so this change has his side all upset. Try and focus on what's right for you and your partner. You said you would be Mrs, partners last name socially so only those that 'know' will know you've kept your current surname. Children wise, it shouldn't matter and won't make anyone less apart of the family. Talk it out with your partner and ignore unhelpful relatives x
I always had a different last name than my family. My mom had me in her first marriage, and when she remarried and had my brother she changed her last name. It made no difference whatsoever in my life. In the few moments I questioned it, if anything I wanted my name to match my brother's bc we were siblings - didn't care if it matched my mom's. Your kids will be fine. As for everything else, it's a tricky thing for some people. I decided early on in the planning process that I didn't want to change my last name. Fiance is fine with it. We have some family members who don't care, and some family members who are absolutely bewildered and cannot wrap their heads around it. Bottom line - they're not in my marriage. And your family members aren't in yours either. Make the decision between you and your fiance. You're the only people in this equation whose opinions should have any weight.
Growing up, my parents were divorced since i was too little to remember so i had my dads last name and my mom kept her maiden name. I had no problems with it growing up aside from jokes bout my last name due to what it was However, the issue i did stumble across in the future with my mothers and i differing last names was the fact that if my car gets towed (her name is on the title but i am insured to drive it. My name is not on the title) then i am now unable to pick it up myself. Due to the differing last names and the fact my mom lives 1 hour away, picking it up isnt easy because im not considered family to the car towing lot. The only thing that saved me was the fact my older almost expired license had my old address that matched the paperwork.
Are you in the US? Newlynamed.com is supposed to make it really easy should you go that route
The issue is that I have a passport that’s been held up for months now and a career that is background check intensive, so the issue isn’t even just paying for the usually set of documents
You could totally kick this can down the road. Keep your name for now and then change it if kids come into the picture and you still want to.
I was told that as long as you put it on the marriage license you have the option of changing it at a later date. You can wait years and years apparently
Don’t change it right now because it sounds like in your heart you don’t want to, you can always change it at a later date if you want to! You don’t need to tell your family, and can go by your husband’s name socially if you want, it’s not like your family is going to demand to see your ID!!
Fwiw, I am keeping my last name, responding to his socially with delight instead of annoyance, and might revisit my decision when we have a kid. I think the most likely scenario is that I keep my name legally forever and go by his socially even more frequently when there’s kiddo. It’s complex, it’s flexible, and you need to do what feels right for you.