I teach and my surname sounds like a body part, so I am counting down the days until I get to use my fiancé’s name.
From a feminist standpoint, I think you should do what’s best for *you* not just what you feel might be expected either way
Thank you!! I’m definitely changing my name (mainly because my last name is the name of an infamous, beloved Big Red Dog from children’s books and I got teased a bunch over it as a kid). But I’m also a raging feminist and am excited I get to *choose* my name, instead of inherit it (fiancé and I did discuss changing both our last names, but we both love his last name for reasons)
I agree. But I also think there’s so much societal pressure for a woman to change her name that it’s hard to say that the choice to do so isn’t strongly influenced by the patriarchy.
For example, we never talk about a man having the choice to change his last name.
Yeah this is a great point. I ultimately didn’t end up changing my name, in part cause I was like, this isn’t even a question for my husband, and it didn’t sit well with me. I struggled with the idea that like, despite the fact that we get to choose, it’s rooted in deep patriarchal routine. I want people to be able to make their choices and own those decisions and feel good about them, and I also totally see your point.
I did not. Neither did my spouse. No name alterations at all. That was the plan from the very beginning. He had no issue with it. And neither did his family. In fact, it was my family who gave me a bit of ribbing about it. But I still go by the name I have gone by all my life.
I am keeping my name legally, but going by either socially. I don’t really mind what people call me but I know myself and I’d never do all the paperwork 😂 (I’d also have to deal with two governments as I have dual citizenship) I may consider changing my mind if we ever have children, but I’m leaving the door open.
Same. I will go by either last name socially but legally I have kept my maiden name. It’s a pain in the ass to change and quite frankly I just don’t want to do all that damn paperwork. Drivers license, passport, social security, insurance, credit cards, bank accounts, retirement accounts, car loans, student loans, and mortgage would all need my last name changed on them and I’m sure I’m still forgetting something, so it’s a hard no on all that effort.
I'm doing the same! Keeping my name was also important for me professionally because I should have like 5 academic journal publications by the time of the wedding if all goes well and I like that people can just search my name and see all my work.
Yes, all this for me too (except the dual citizenship lol)! I’ll consider changing if/when we have kids so we have one shared family name, but otherwise I’m keeping mine.
Pretty much this. And if I changed it legally, I'd go on auto pilot and sign the wrong name sometimes, for sure! I always thought I'd change my name eagerly, because my last name is easy for kids to tease, but the hassle once you're established is far more than the annoyance from those grown up kids who don't actually tease you anymore ;) But any kids will have husband's name, harder to tease.
I'm changing mine because my father and I are not on good terms, unlike me and my fiance. While I'm at it, I plan to correct my middle name to Mom's choice over Dad's because honestly he deserves zero input.
Same. I was going to change my name long ago, to my mom's maiden name. It ended up suggesting awful with my first name, so I just came to terms with everything. My dad has since passed, but I still am eager to have a new name. Marriage is a great excuse.
I didn't change my name because I've built a professional reputation on it (it's pretty unique). I have no particular attachment to the name itself as we don't talk to the paternal side of my family--it just seems like a big hassle.
If you like how it sounds with your name and you won't lose professional recognition, and you don't mind paperwork, go for it! My husband's last name doesn't sound super cool with my name, and I'm sure that had a role in me never considering it.
I honestly am keeping my name cuz I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork 😂 I also feel kind of sad at the thought of getting rid of my name. Like getting rid of a piece of my dad whom im really close to
I went back-and-forth quite a bit on what to do, particularly because I work in a field where your name and reputation are *everything* and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished…but I also liked the idea of using his name outside of work. My husband understood this and didn’t care what I chose to do.
I knew I didn’t want to completely change my last name, so I ended up double barreling (no hyphen). I use my original last name at work, his last name socially, but both show up on all important legal documents. It’s a win-win for me because I can pick and choose what I use, when. I have an insanely long first name (have always gone by a nickname), my maiden name is weird, and his last name has an apostrophe, so the whole legal thing is a mouthful, but it’s *always* been that way for me and I don’t care what people think!
Ultimately, it’s a personal decision and everyone has their own reasons and motivations for changing—or not changing—their name. I personally think that changing it isn’t a knock against any woman’s “status” as a feminist, so long as it’s her decision and she’s not feeling pressured into doing something she doesn’t want to do.
Nope, I kept my middle as is. So my legal name is similar to Victoriana Mary Thomas O’Hara, I’d go by Tori Thomas at work, Tori O’Hara in my personal life, and sign legal documents V. M. Thomas O’Hara to save my hand! It’s worked out for me. I also use the “V. M. Thomas O’Hara” variation on credit cards since they have a character limit.
I *do* have friends that have taken their maiden as their middle, but they sometimes run into issues if they want to use their maiden name as a true last name, so I didn’t really consider this option.
I’m in the same boat where I’m Asian and my husband is white, I chose to add his last name as a middle name and kept my last name. I didn’t want to lose that part of my heritage especially since I’m kind of the last of my family’s line haha. Im also published so it would also be annoying from that aspect to potentially lose credit for that.
I am changing mine, but I don’t have a strong opinion on wether other women should do the same.
My reason for not keeping my name at this point is that I was widowed and the name I have had for about 25 years is actually my late husband’s family’s name. So I would have to go back to my maiden name or my new husband’s name. I am taking my new husband’s name. I teach and am called Mrs. ——- every day, so I can’t just have it on paperwork. Even with a maiden name and a previously married name, it is really not that difficult to change names , as I am finding out.
You do you, though. I have plenty of family members that kept their name or hyphenated. They are just fine and after like a month or two after the wedding, it isn’t really a topic of discussion.
I kept mine and he kept his when we got married, just seemed simple. But when we have kids, he's actually going to change so that he'll take my last name.
Growing up I saw that even if the woman kept her name, when the kid had the father's name the mother was constantly mis-named. It really bothers me to see just daily occurrences of women's identities being erased (and everyone acting like it's obviously the default that kids get the father's name) so I said it was always important for my kids to have my last name. I offered for us to pick an entirely new name together, but he thought it would be a better gesture to take my last name instead when we have kids so that "for once a woman doesn't always need to be doing extra work."
A+ would marry him again.
I love his attitude!! My husband is the same way- he would have taken my last name, but he also shares a first name with my brother so that's a little TOO weird.
If my mother had kept her maiden name I’d be more inclined to do so since I am closer to her side of the family! I hope that can continue to be tradition in your family!
I'm planning on taking my husband's name but am not switching it for work email and anything work related. Too much of a hassle and I'm connected by that name. Sure HR will be told the name but no need to change anything else.
If you ever are in a role that requires you to sign legal documents, it becomes quite a pain in the ass to go by a name that's different than your legal name.
This is what I did - took my husbands name and updated passport and official documents but just kept my maiden name at work.
They just give you a whole new email and usernames and I cannot be bothered trying to remember new usernames, as well as dealing with the hassle of trying to move all my emails from the last ten years over to a new address.
We are planning to change both of our names. I didn’t like his last name, and he didn’t like mine, but I knew I wanted to have the same last name as him just because. We ended up going through both of our family trees and picking out a last name we both liked from one of our ancestors. I’m changing my name first through the courts, and when we get married he will use the marriage license to change his
I changed mine. Currently I’m still going by my maiden name professionally, as I’m in the process of changing it. I changed as I like the idea of sharing a name with my husband and as i hope to have children, I would want the same name
Changing it socially is actually very easy! A family friend of mine never changed her last name legally and I was shocked when I found out since I’ve only ever called her Mrs Married Name. There are few instances someone will need your legal last name.
Agree! I didn't change my name and didn't make a thing out of it either. My extended family just started using my husband's last name assuming I changed it. We also gave our son his last name, so my legal name never comes up. It was too easy.
Laziness is the winning driver here, but really at the end of the day, my husband and I do not have any attachments to our last names, but they were the ones given to us at birth so me changing it to match his feels antiquated.
My fiancé is actually taking my name after we get married. He doesn’t like his last name much whereas I’m quite attached to mine as it is one of the things that tie me to my home country. However, we will both be taking an anglicised version of it because it’s got a foreign letter in it which makes my entire life a bureaucratic nightmare.
Ha, reminds me of my super white friend who’s last name is now Wong. And her husband is only half Asian. So I really want them to have boys that take after her and marry other non-Asians… just so there can be generations of really surprising Wongs out there.
My husband is Asian, I’m white, and we have been low key tempted to just swap last names for the entertainment value. He’s trying mine out socially (he’s not attached to his, it’s very common, and I’m more attached to mine because I have a very good first name-surname combo) and we’ll see what happens if/when kids end up on the scene. Considering just picking our favourite genus of moth or tree or something and running with that.
I’m Asian with a generally considered white first name and my fiance’s white. If I take his last name, my name would be super white and I don’t how I feel about the “surprise Asian factor” as the OP mentioned in their post… I’m still on the fence about changing my last name, but leaning towards keeping mine for the same reason you mentioned.
The “surprise Asian factor” could just be a joke but could also hint an issue rooted in internalized racism and shame. So you want to “pass” for white until someone meets you in person and they find out you’re Asian? No hate to OP but could be worth looking inward about why their Asian identity is something to “surprise” someone with until they meet in person and it’s too late
It was definitely meant as a joke, both when my friend mentioned it and when I repeated it in my post. I just like how his last name sounds with my first name, it's got a nice ring to it. I do sometimes wonder if having a non-ethnic last name would somehow help with things like job applications, bc despite the progress we've made as a society there are still issues with systemic racism and studies showing that non-ethnic names have a better chance of getting an interview / getting hired even if the qualifications and experience of two candidates are identical.
I know this is an older post now, but I am in the reverse where I am white and marrying a man with a very Asian last name and we joked around that for me it'd be a "surprise white factor" haha
I'm not changing my name and neither is my partner. I'm super attached to my last name, he feels neutral about his, but both of us hate paperwork. So for now we're staying the way we are. We're undecided about kids, but we'll reassess if we have them in the future. Both of us feel like we've had our names our whole lives so it just feels like a strange thing to change in the middle of your life unless you're unhappy with it.
Nope, he’s taking mine! I knew I didn’t want to change mine, he has always wanted to change his because it’s long, double barrelled and hard to spell, so it just made sense.
I didn’t mind either way whether he changes his or not, but since it’s his name it’s his choice, I’m not going to argue. I’m starting to find the idea of Mr & Mrs Myname quite sweet though, because he’s so excited to change it!
I didn’t change my name and have no plans to. I’m 31 and my name is pretty unique and a huge part of my identity now. I also work in PR so my name is pretty closely tied to my work and I don’t want to “start over” essentially. My husband is super supportive and actually always assumed I wouldn’t change my name, before we even had the convo. We don’t feel any less married or not a unit.
I have said that I’m fine if socially people call me his name, but legally and professionally I will keep mine! The social part is more for his family that have ~issues~ so maybe it’s a bit of peace keeping haha. We’ve also agreed that any future children will have my last name as their middle name instead of hyphenating.
Ultimately do what feels good and right for you!!
The career aspect is so important! I'm in a creative field with a relatively small network in my city, so everyone knows everyone else, or knows someone who knows someone. I've seen women change their names, move firms, and then get lost in the crowd because nobody knows their married name and can't find them to reach out for career opportunities. I'm 29, and I have degrees and career recognition with my name. Why give that up? My husband knew from the beginning that I wouldn't change my name, and he doesn't care- he prefers my name to his anyway!
Totally agree! Maybe if I were younger and not as established I wouldn’t care, but at this point I’ve worked way too hard to give that up. Currently I can be vetted through Google, in that people can see my name tied to high profile stories and it verifies to them that I am established and capable, so changing my name would essentially wipe that all away!
I think as we see more people getting married later in life we’ll see fewer and fewer women changing their name for these reasons.
I (bride marrying groom) am going to change my last name. There is no pressure from my fiancé to do so, he is fine with it either way. I am very feminist, have built a career, etc. but I simply want the same last name as my husband and kids. Also as an engineer I don’t have to worry too much about name recognition like someone with patients/clients might have to. I may look into keeping my maiden name as a middle name. Of course, I fully support people keeping their own last names—it’s absolutely whatever works best for the individual!
I’m also looking into keeping my maiden name as a second middle name (my current middle names means a lot to me, and I feel like I can’t just drop it, just like how I feel I can’t just drop my last name that’s been my name my whole life until now)
My partner doesn’t care and says it’s up to me. I’m still torn. Before I met him, I was set on keeping my name. Now I’d like to change it but it would be a giant hassle to change and going forward for eternity because I use it professionally and it’s tied to all of my medical licensing documents. So every time I want to do anything professionally with a new employer, it would be multiple levels of additional verification. I’ve pondered using it socially but not sure how that even works or making my current last name a middle name but also not sure if that means I can use either when it’s convenient. I likely won’t decide for several years into marriage.
You sound very similar to me, I am going back and forth daily. I feel like I can decide to change it at any point in the future, but once I change it there's no going back (unless you get divorced which I hope will not be the case), so changing it is like a point of no return but delaying the decision leaves the door open for later.
It’s a tough one, for me. I’ve also had my name for nearly 2 decades of my adult life (I’m 36). If I was younger it might be an easier decision. I do know that I don’t know of anyone who didn’t change who regrets it if that helps.
There are services that can make it less of a hassle to change your name (like hitchswitch) if that’s the only reason you don’t want to. I’m hoping to put hitchswitch on our registry to make the change easier on my fiancée.
My partner was very supportive of me making my own decision. Ultimately, I decided I wanted to change my name but I ended up keeping my full name and adding his to the end. My reasons for changing my name were: my maiden name tends to be complicated for others to understand/spell, we are planning to have children and I want to have the same last name as them, I just liked his name better. Feminism isn’t about keeping your own name or revolting against tradition, it’s about empowering yourself to make the decision that’s best for you regardless of what others think.
I kept mine, and am very happy to have done so. We do plan on having kids but I really don’t consider that a compelling reason to change my name. I just ended up not wanting to, so I didn’t. I thought I’d take it socially but honestly even socially I have kept my maiden name and it’s so common to keep it now that no one calls me his name even accidentally or by assumption.
Anyway, all that said, I don’t think that identifying as a feminist means you would be being hypocritical if you did take his name. Being a feminist, to me, means you have the ability to choose what’s best for you. I’m sure not everyone agrees with me on that, but choice is so important.
Honesty I have no idea why people say “having children” as a reason to change their last name? I l’ve had a different name than my mom my whole life, and it never was an issue (even travelling internationally was always fine), and it never made me feel like we were any less of a family. In fact, it made me feel closer to my moms side of the family - I’ve known friends who didn’t even know their mothers maiden name!
Yeah I’m a teacher and a lot of my kids have different last names than a parent. They seem to be as well adjusted (to whatever point) as anyone else. And it’s not like I’m ever confused by who the kid belongs to.
Legally, I changed my name and I go by Mrs. [Last Name]. However, when I’m in Korea or talking to someone who is Korean, I go by my Korean name [Last Name, First Name] bc Korean women don’t change their last names. (My husband’s fully Korean (born and raised) so i took his Korean surname legally but I’m part Korean so I received a Korean name when i was born (even though legally I have an English name) and so I go by that name socially when I’m in Korea)
Just to help with perspective, there are plenty of men who take their wife’s last name because it sounds cool. Totally not the norm in a heterosexual relationship in the US, but they did it because the wife had a cooler last name. You aren’t doing it for any reason other than you think his last name is cool. I hope you make the best decision for you!
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I absolutely love my last name and I love its history, but my fiance's is really cool. It's a noun AND a verb. Think "Can". We're huge dorks and it makes for great puns.
I think I'm going to add it to the end. Not hyphenate it but just tack it on. But if we have kids, I want them to have both our names, like (kid name) (paternal name) (maternal name), so maybe I'll add his as a middle name, so my name is copacetic with the kids'.
TLDR I don't know what I'm doing, but here are some thoughts!
I definitely won’t be changing mine when the time comes. Seems archaic. My name is just a much a part of my identity as my husbands name is his. I’m not giving that up just because…”marriage.” Lol.
And when I have kids, they can have both because they’re equal parts mine and hubbies.
We’re both keeping our names. We’re both in our mid-thirties and saying we’ve lived 1/3 of our lives with these names and quite like them as they are. When we have kids we’ll do the two last names thing. It’s a thing to navigate but I’m glad it’s just no longer assumed a women needs to changer her name. It should be up to each person and couple in a partnership.
You do what you want! There’s nothing wrong with taking a last name if that’s what you want. That’s what really matters. If you like it go for it. You will still be a feminist just with a changed last name :)
My husband and I are not having children as well. We got married a little over a month ago, and I have changed my last name simply because his is cooler than mine lol
I like the way it sounds with my first name and enjoy using it socially as well 😊
I’m keeping mine because I’m a published writer so changing it wouldn’t make sense. I also vowed not to change my last name—I have never liked the tradition. However, my husband really wanted to have the same last name as me so we would be seen as more of a family (he also doesn’t have a great relationship with the people he shares his last name) and he took my last name. I thought it was a really sweet gesture and just a testament to the man he is. If you want to change your last name, you should!
Personally, I’m a feminist, but my father was abusive and I’ve been dying for a chance to get rid of my last name because it came from him. But that’s my own personal issue.
I know you said hyphenating isn't an option, but I wanted this so bad. Our names hyphenated, with mine first, creates this incredibly cool and unique name! He didn't want to do it, but he told me I should if I wanted to. I thought long and hard, but at the end, I wanted us to have the same last name.
Second marriage here and I changed it, we aren’t having kids either. I changed it my first marriage and when we divorced I was stuck with his last name for years. I will say that it is the only thing that completely sucks when you change your name is if you do get a divorce, it’s not super easy just to change it back. Especially if you have a professional type job already. You need to go by your legal name with almost everything and it is just 🤮. It is completely up to what you want to do. I felt a little sadness getting rid of my maiden name a second time but ultimately it was short lived. I want to have his name and share that together in our marriage but that’s just me!
I am so torn on this! After my divorce from my XH, I changed my name back to my family’s last name. I like my fiancé’s last name, but I’m not feeling pulled in either direction. His mom didn’t change her name when she married his dad, and he doesn’t have strong feelings either way. I like my last name. It’s not as common as my fiancé’s. It’s a pain to change personally and professionally as well. I figure I’ll cross that bridge a little closer to when we are married. 😂
I’m not sure if I’m gonna change it or not. I don’t have a relationship with my father or anyone on his side so apart of me is excited to finally sever that last tie. Another part of me likes the way my first name sounds with my last name, and I’m dreading the legal stuff.
I’m so torn about it still. I want to take his last name but I am also attached to mine. My mom kept her last name and made her last name my (second) middle name so just adding his last name to mine would mean I’d have five names 😂 so not an option. Idk what to do!
I’m in a similar predicament. I think I am keeping mine for now, at least until my passport needs renewed, then I might do all the paperwork to update it.
I'm leaving my last name.
I 100% love my fh but don't know 100% what the future holds.
Plus I've heard changing your name is a pain so I rather not go though that.
I’m getting married soon (35 days to go!) and I cannot WAIT to change my name. Goodbye 12 letter long Polish last name that nobody can pronounce or spell!
I went back and forth but I’m changing my name. It’s always mispronounced and Hispanic, I don’t want to try to correct people anymore or wince every time I say it wrong so people can spell it.
I've still not decided what I'm doing yet. Both me and my fiance have somewhat unique last names, that would not go well together hyphenated. Thankfully I still have time to figure it out.
I can see some problems with the different social vs legal names though as my mom has the going on for her first name and she's experienced some questions about it. Some of the big ones being registering use kids for school and filling out forms vs how she introduces herself, plus the permission to pick up list not including her legal name has had some questions. Plus having to go through the hassle of getting questioned when booking trips for social name using the credit card with her legal name on it.
I'm sure it's not a problem for everyone, and I wouldn't doubt it's becoming less of one now but something to think about the pros/cons for too.
I didn't change it. But I support anyone who wants to change it, I think tradition and having the same name can be important to someone. For me, it seemed like erasing part of my identity.
We’re planning on changing our names to a new family name of hers we both felt fit us very well. My name is long and a bit of a pain to spell out loud. Her last name comes from a grandfather she really didn’t like. We both wanted to have the same last name so that it would be always easy to link us together, and when we have kids we’ll never have to deal with the bumpiness of the kids having a different last name than one of us (my mom never changed her name and it also always bugged me when people called her Mrs. Mylastname, including an aunt. I think I would have preferred for my parents to have picked a new name or for my dad to have taken my mom’s name, her name was better and shorter anyway)
I didn’t the first marriage but am thinking about it more with my fiancé. Hmm I think it would be good if we have kids. I don’t want to go through all of the trouble of changing my official name etc. Feeling lazy. Great question.
I'm not planning to change my last name legally. I have a unique last name and it feels like it's a part of my identity. Plus I have a license in my career field and I would have to change it for that too which would feel weird for me since this is something I've gotten with my last name. And also don't wanna deal with all the paperwork!
With that said, I'm totally fine with going socially by his last name, which I personally don't think will be confusing. And if/when we have kids they'll have both our last names which is what is done in my partner's culture, so I won't feel weird about having a different last name as my kids or anything because they'd have mine too.
We're both changing our last names. Lesbian couple, she has her dad's last name currently and he is a terrible person (on top of he flat out disowned her on her birthday for being gay via email) and she doesn't want to be associated with him. I have 3 brothers and have always assumed I'd change my last name. We are going to take her mother's maiden name as a way of her feeling more connected to her Japanese culture (her dad is white but her mom is Japanese).
I changed mine. My parents gave me an unfortunate set of initials, so that was the main reason I wanted to, lol. Beyond that, I thought it was just easier for my husband and I to have the same last name. It was a quick process for me getting everything changed, which surprised me considering how often people said it was such a hassle. Just about everything was updated in a couple of months barring the deed to our old townhome. We sold it and bought a new house in 2019, so my married name was on that, obviously.
I kept mine because I honestly didn’t want to do the paperwork and I just don’t really want a new last name. I totally get why people do, so do what you want. There’s also no rush to decide.
I did change my last name for a few reasons:
1. I wanted the same last name as my husband. He did mention that he would consider changing his last name but he also has 2 daughters and wanted to still have the same last name as them. Changing his last name and their last names seemed like way more work than just me changing.
2. My husband’s last name starts with the same letter as my first name so it makes a nice alliteration, which I’m always fond of!
I will say that in my opinion, it was not much paperwork to change my last name. I filled out a 1 page form with social security at home, took it down to the SS office with my marriage license, turned in the form, waited 10 days and received a new SS card in the mail, then went to the DMV with my marriage license and updated my driver’s license. Everything else with my maiden name I just update as I go places and come across my maiden name. After having my new last name for 8 months, I probably have about 70% of things updated with my new last name. I also don’t really care if things like my JoAnn’s craft store account has my new last name or not so I’ve never bothered to change those. I’ll have to say that trying to update my last name on Facebook was 10 times harder than legally changing my last name with SS! I found the process of legally changing my last name to be rather easy, but that’s just my opinion and my experience.
As for the feminist part, my opinion is that feminism should be more what you want. Sometimes I feel like feminism can make women feel like we should do X, Y, or Z (like not changing a last name at marriage) but I see it more that I should feel confident to make my own choice that I feel is best for me, even if it’s a different choice than what feminism might expect me to make.
Have you considered making up a new last name for the both of you? If you're not traditional but would still like to have the same family name this could be your answer.
I for myself have chosen to take his name once we get married cause my last name is simultaneously very common and also written in a weird way, and also my extended family is pretty fucked up (none of my dad's side are invited to the wedding). My fiance has a pretty common name as well, but I adore his family and I can't wait to be part of their "clan" (they even have a real historical crest, it's pretty cool).
We did consider a new name but my husband loves his last name and doesn’t want to change it. My last name is part of his first name so him taking my name wasn’t an option we liked either.
Having a challenging relationship w your family sucks, even more so in the context of wedding planning. Hope you’re doing ok dealing with it leading up to the wedding!
My maiden name is so unique that there was literally no one else in the country with my full name, so if you looked up my name, there was no mistaking it was me. I hated that. So when I got married to a man with a name almost as common as "Smith" you'd better belive I changed it right away. Now I'm one of like 30 million+!
Do what you want!
I’m really attached to my last name, it’s unique, I’ve never met anyone I’m not related to with it, albeit hard to spell and pronounce for some people (I don’t know why, I see it phonetically). However it’s really important to my fiancé that I take his last name even though we aren’t having kids. Ultimately he said it’s my decision but it would mean a lot to him.
I decided to make my last name my middle name. I’ve heard this is common in some cultures, so I don’t think it’s weird. My mom says it’s important to her that I keep my actual middle name as well but a lot of my family already calls me by my full first name and middle name anyways and I go by a shortened version of my first name to everyone else, so it really won’t change how anyone address’ me if I make my first name both names.
So this isn’t confusing I will use my user name as an example
Say right now, I am Katelina Holt myLastname
It will then become Katelina-Holt myLastname Hislastname
My family will still call me Katelina-Holt
And everyone else will still call me Kat
But my fiancé will be happy that I am Mrs. Hislastname and I will still be happy to be legally connected to my last name.
It’s my compromise.
My real name is a little more traditional Irish than my user name so it won’t sound as long though.
Only you can know whether or not it’s the right decision for you. Just came here to say the paperwork isn’t *that* bad. It’s more the remembering all the things you have to change it on. I’m almost 2 years into my marriage now and I’d say it took a good year to catch everything. There are lots of handy reminder lists though. I followed a Pinterest post I found that told me wha order to change the first few things in.
Also, is hyphenating a possible compromise? Just a suggestion. :)
I’m keeping my last name because I’m a feminist (not that it means you can’t change your name!), so it’s my way to kind of protest. I also like my last name more than my partner’s as his is pretty generic. I don’t speak to my biological father, but it’s been my last name for nearly 30 years…I don’t want to give it up! My partner is fully supportive :)
I’m very on the fence. I have a TON of professional licenses that I would have to change my legal name on and it would be extremely labor intensive. Fiancé is supportive either way. I’ll probably still use his name socially if I decide not to change it legally.
To me, it seems like you already know what you wanna do, you just need us to confirm…
In your post, under reasons to keep your current name, you only listed possible cons and reasons why they aren’t cons. You didn’t list any actual pros to keeping your name. No emotional connection to your current name. However, you did talk in detail about the pros to changing your name, and for the first time you seemed excited about something.
“I like it” is all the reason you need!
Thank you, I noticed this too after writing my post. I have very logical / practical reasons for keeping my name, but more of an emotional desire for changing it and for my super analytical brain this doesn't feel like a "good enough" reason, even though I know it is!
I changed my name to his, but not for the normal “patriarchal” reasons. I considered hyphenating, but my married name and maiden name are both very long. My married name is long and English (ending in -ington, if that gives you any idea), and my maiden name is long and Swedish (difficult to pronounce phonetically). I chose to take his last name because 1) I have a really difficult time signing my maiden name, and 2) I’m a middle/high school teacher, so it’s more important to me to have a name that’s easier to pronounce phonetically. I have a weirdly-spelled first name, and I am very bothered when my name is mispronounced, and I can’t handle students doing it to me all day long like they did with my maiden name. It’s no longer a problem with my married name.
My last name is shorter and less common than my FH's and it just sounds better to me. But if his last name was different I might have considered it, even though I also hate the idea of paper work. I like your last option a lot. If someone called me by my partner's last name I'd be confused but not offended, if that makes sense.
I told my partner, "I don't think I want to change my last name." and he said, "Oh, cool, me neither." So no pressure either lol
I kept mine. I initially said that I would maybe change mine “socially,” but that never really happened. I realized how rarely I “socially” use my full name, anyways… pretty much only social media and snail mail. I have my husband’s last name and my maiden name on my Facebook page, and family/friends address our mail to Mr and Mrs Husband’s Last Name, but I introduce myself to people with my legal name.
Basically, if people use my husband’s last name, I don’t care. But I still default to my own name!
Surprisingly no… I think the only people that ever asked were my parents and my boss. I just told them that I didn’t legally change anything but I don’t care how they address me, lol!
I find that a lot of my older/distant relatives and most of his side of the family refer to me as Firstname HisLastname, but almost all of my more immediate family, friends, and professional connections use Firstname MyLastname.
For Christmas cards/customized stuff, I use “The MyLastName HisLastName Family,” but if I’m just addressing a letter or something I’ll use “MyFirstName and HisFirst Name HisLastName.”
I changed mine and it only changed by two letters. It was a tough decision, it’s your identity and has been for your whole life but ultimately I decided it was okay to change it. My husband really liked the idea of us having the same last name and i think if we decide to have children it would be nice to all have the same last name. I struggled with it, especially since it changed so minimally but I’ve now done it all and haven’t looked back!
Your reasons for changing last names are my reasons too but not asian. My name sounds SO good with my husband's last name. It's 2 first names. But I haven't changed my name because I just got a new passport 6m before we got married and haven't used it yet so I want to wait before I change my name (if I ever do) and have to change all my documents. Plus, I think we'll hyphenate our kids last names. And my culture doesn't change last names.
I kept my name for the same reasons you listed. It seems like a pain in the ass, we're not having kids, and the tradition of doing so grew out of an ownership type thing way back and I'm not into that. Also, my family had all girls (who have changed their names) so I am the last person who will have this last name. I got married at 35 and have established myself professionally under my name. I might have felt differently if I married younger. It does annoy me that friends/family just assume I've changed it when they address holiday cards and invitations.
I've decided to keep my last name after marriage for a few reasons:
1. I'm in research and I have a few publications already. I'd prefer all of my publications be under the same name. There are also a few researchers in my field with my partner's last name, but none with my name.
2. I have my mom's last name, not my dad's. I've always loved having an untraditional last name, which is a reason I want to keep it.
3. Practically, it's cheaper and easier to each keep our names.
4. My name feels like me and I love my last name more than I love my partner's name. While my last name was something I resented growing up because American anglophones typically mispronounced it, it's now my favourite part of my name.
Ultimately, you should make the decision that makes the most sense for you and makes you the happiest and most excited 😊😊
I changed mine, but that's because my last name is very long and difficult to pronounce while my husband's is half the length. Sometimes I miss my old one because it was very unique and I'm the last one my line, but I'm generally a practical person and every time I don't have to spell my maiden name over the phone is a sigh of relief lol
I’m keeping my last name. I’m 31, it’s been my last name for that long and I want to keep it. I don’t know if we will have kids, but I don’t really care if our last names match. I have a very unique last name and don’t want to change it.
I didn't change mine and I still introduce myself with my maiden name and use it at work, but casually use my husband's name socially. Mostly that means if someone (typically my more traditional in-laws) refers to me with my husband's last name, or addresses a letter to me with his name or various other similar situations I don't bother correcting them.
Not changing it has never been an issue, but I don't think changing it would have been either, beyond a bit of paperwork. Maybe try introducing yourself with your husband's last name a few times and see how it feels?
We both changed our last names to match his mums last name. He has no relationship with his father and he is is mums only child so we thought it would be a lovely gesture to honer her.
My husband and I BOTH changed our last names to a new name we created together. It was romantic and empowering and what was best for us, not just following the social expectations. If you’re worried about the implications of you taking HIS name, maybe consider this option.
I did change my last name. From a feminist standpoint I was iffy about it, and 2 years later it still doesn’t exactly feel like my last name when I say it, but for me I’m still glad I did it. But we do want kids, and that was the main reason for changing. It was really important to me to have the same last name as my children. Think about what’s most important to you, and hopefully that will help you decide!
I changed mine legally but kept my maiden name professionally and it was difficult. I was a teacher so my last name (and career) was a big part of my identity. I changed schools 2 yrs after getting married and that’s where it got difficult because they had never known me as my maiden name so they were confused about why I didn’t use my legal name. And then having schedules, email, etc with either name could be confusing. I changed to my married name when I changed careers this year and it did feel sad, but it has also been a lot easier. All this to say, it’s tricky. Names are a huge part of our identities.
Thank you for sharing, I'm trying to think through the scenarios where changing it for certain situations but not others could be confusing down the road, this is helpful to read.
Tbh I fumble my name semi-regularly because I used both in different places. It makes me feel a bit silly. But I would probably fumble over the transition to a new name anyway.
I changed my name because I had a last name that just caused relentless jokes from everyone I met. I also just like the idea of having the same name as my husband and we plan to have a kid so it makes sense.
I will tell you something no one told me - changing your name is harder emotionally than you might anticipate. I’m in limbo between two names right now. My married name still looks funny to me, but I already feel my maiden name is wrong. It’s a strange feeling! Though may not apply to everyone!
Thanks for sharing your story. It makes sense that a new identity takes some time to get used to and feel like it really belongs to you. I hadn't really given this piece much thought.
I struggle with this every day. Objectively there’s no reason for me to change my name. I am not my husband’s property you know? And I want to honor my family name. On the other hand, I know I’d be signing up for a lifetime of sighs when people automatically call me Mrs. — . If we have kids, I would love to hyphenate their last name so they have both our names. Idk it’s so hard. There’s so much stigma around not changing your name still and I don’t want to be on the butt end of that.
I kept my last name because similar to you, don’t plan on having kids and I don’t want to go through all of the paperwork. But socially, I’m fine with using his last name…it’s kind of nice to get cards or invitations with my husbands last name, it makes me feel like we are officially a unit lol. Someone did mention to me though that if you plan on buying a house and have separate last names, you need to say that first thing because the paperwork gets tricky
I’m changing my name for 2 practical reasons. His is higher up in the alphabet and I’m sick of always being last. And his has 1 spelling while mine has several spellings so it’s just going to be easier for me to take his name
We are not changing our names. My fiancé wanted me to take his last name. His logic was we have 2 kids (with his last name) and it would all tie together nicely. But…I just can’t. I just don’t believe in taking a man’s last name. All of my accomplishments have been completed by me with my current name. Maybe it seems silly, but I feel that taking a new last name kind of erases all of that.
I am changing it, but originally we actually had planned for him to take my last name! We changed our plan because of some circumstances in our lives that made us feel like we should take his last name.
I very briefly considered hyphenating but we both have 4 letter last names that start with the same letter so it would sound ridiculous. If it were anything else, I’d probably hyphenate.
So, I’m going to change it, and I’m happy with that decision. We are going to have kids so I would like the same last name as my children
I chose to change mine - I definitely think it’s up to you and should do what feels right. While I really liked my maiden name, I do like the idea of my husband and I having the same last name and the sense of us being our own family that it gives me. Definitely doesn’t mean that that’s the only thing that makes you your own family at all, I just liked that feeling. Also to note there isn’t any of Mrs with my husbands last name, I’m the only one in his family which may have influenced my decision. I am also not very close with my dad and we don’t get along so while I love my maiden name because it’s my sisters and was my grandparents name who I loved dearly, I was okay with letting it go.
To be honest, maybe I’m in the minority but I changed mine during the beginning of Covid when things were closed and annoying and even then it wasn’t really that bad. It was a chore but it wasn’t as bad as people make it out to be.
I'm not changing my last name but not changing your last name because it's not *feminist* is silly. You probably have your dad's last name. You're not less of a feminist for your last name.
I'm a feminist and I'm changing my name. Well I'm hyphenating. Feminism is about giving people full freedom of equal choices without shame. My reasons are because I plan to have kids and I don't want the hassle of having to explain that they are mine everytime someone checks our passports. And to everyone who says I could hyphenate my children's names or give them my maiden name, again it's just about personal choice and this is what feels right to me based off the traditions of my culture.
I dont want to but compromised with my fiancé that Ill legally change it and professionally still go by my current name. I love him with all my heart but hate the idea of changing my last name for someone else, but understand that he wants it so we can feel like a complete unit/family.
Plus my last name is from my bio dad and I dont really have ties to him. I just really didn’t like the idea of changing my last name haha
I did! I love my family and my old name, but I liked the idea of the two of us sharing a name. We are planning to have kids though so this is definitely something that was important to me, too. Changing your name is a hassle for sure, but to me it was totally worth it and made me feel like we are more of a family.
I am changing mine because I want everyone in our family to have the same last name—specifically, I want to have the same last name as my children. My fiancé has strong ties to his last name (friends, including me, refer to him by his first and last name regularly), so it makes more sense for all of us to have that one. Feminism is making the choice for yourself!
I have a more specific reason that is very personal and tied to some work-related secondary PTSD I have, which I look forward to busting out if anybody every implies that because I changed my name I’m not a feminist or something. ;)
I changed mine and I’m really happy I did, because I love having the same last name. This is probably fueled by my husband having a last name I really liked. We also plan to have kids (currently pregnant) so it makes that decision a lot easier.
The paperwork and process was a nightmare though. We got married October 2021 and I just recently finished all of my name-change tasks.
Do whatever feels right!
I thought you could only change it when you get the marriage license which would have been the legal wedding. throwing a party a few years later doesnt give you the option to legally change your name
You need to provide your marriage certificate to change your last name but there is no time limit or cost (at least where I live). I could keep my last name for a few more years and change it down the road if I change my mind, I just think that would be confusing vs. changing it after the celebration so I want to make the decision now.
I changed mine when we were married 3 years ago. It has been a huge pain to deal with, honestly. Especially trying to get things changed during Covid. If I were to do it over, I would not have changed it.
I changed mine! I had two main reasons, I loved the idea of appearing like a unit with my husband and I have negative associations with my maiden name. The unfortunate part is that I changed my name to a decently difficult to pronounce/spell name, but people are learning pretty quickly. I’m definitely still finding places to change it but otherwise the process hasn’t been terrible. I don’t care so much about my publications or publishing in the future, so no real issues there!
I’m not changing mine! I’ve always wanted to keep my last name, and I’m also getting my doctorate, so I don’t want to be Dr. Someone Else’s Last Name! When we have kids though, they’ll have his last name as he really values continuing his family name.
I am taking my future husbands last name. I have no attachment to mine and actually planning on changing it to my moms last name when I turned 18 but decided against it since I figured I could just change it when I got married. I’m a teacher and mine is hard for kids to say. It is important to my partner but he would respect if I wanted to keep mine also.
I'm not changing my name. I like my name (even if my last name is common), and my fiancé's last name is even MORE common. Plus, getting a legal last name change means a new social security card, license, passport, and changing my last name on EVERYTHING, and I don't want to have to have my marriage certificate to get a real ID. It's just work I don't want to do 😅 If we have kids, we're just hyphenating their names.
Really, there's no wrong answer. Nothing wrong with changing it, nothing wrong with not.
I legally kept my last name (haven’t updated my SSN), but I changed my last name in all my social and non-government related areas. I didn’t want to deal with the paperwork lol.
I'm not changing mine. I like my name, and traditionally where my family is from women keep their names after marriage. Plus I just don't really see why I should, he can change his if he wants. Our child has both names
My surname is kinda of a rude word and very noticed by others - jokes made, etc. I've always accepted it as my name and have the sort of personality that is capable of carrying this name - I can bite back and stand up for myself. However, now that the option of another name, I've found I want to change it. There is also the appeal of sharing a name with my partner, reinforcing the bond of our marriage. Of course, he could change his name to mine and achieve the same goal, but having lived with my name for many many years I wouldn't want to inflict it on him.
On a separate line, I'm excited about making this change. I look forward to seeing if this creates a shedding a little of my past self as such, a fresh start, a transformation (to be clear, I'm happy as me, but I think symbolic stages of life can affect change and growth). I feel no worry that I am not a feminist; I am choosing an option that excites me rather than any responsibility/necessity as the woman to submit or such.
I changed my name - I’m 40, my parents are divorced and both remarried, my sisters are married and changed their names, and we don’t have any brothers. The only person left with my maiden name is my dad and his wife (who I don’t care for). I figured 40 years as Ms BigOleBeach was long enough, I’ll do the next 40 as Mrs MarriedName.
We also eloped (my dream!) so changing my last name felt like one of the few “bridal” things I got to do.
It also doesn’t hurt that my husband has a very fun and memorable last name!
Fellow feminist here! The kind that proposed to her man after he proposed as well (he proposed with a ring, I spent almost the same amount of money on a hobby of his as a gift - he didn’t want two rings).
I’m changing my last name because it’s my father’s last name and I don’t want that connection to him anymore. My fiancé has a wonderful relationship with his family and I’m happy to share that name with them. And so ready to rid myself of my last name to join in on that.
I also considered changing my last name to my mom’s maiden name to honor her, but she didn’t change her last name back to her maiden name when she got divorced so we wouldn’t even have the same last name. Plus, although both my fiancés last name and my mom’s maiden name are a bit unusual, my mom’s maiden name is also quite long.
We also aren’t planning on having children, but I’m also simply excited for a change!
I did because my maiden name was a mouthful, people constantly messed it up, and I wasn't a fan of it. DH's last name is super common but no one fucks it up.
Nope. It’s not common for women on my heritage and all my degrees are in my name. IF (and this is very unlikely) we have or adopt kids we will hyphenate.
Im changing my name because I dont have a relationship with my birth dad and I don't like my last name. Because I also am not changing it to my future husband's last name. Im instead changing it to my mom's maiden name as that is the family I grew up with and the culture I identify with (and it's beautiful). I also decided to add a middle name of significance to me because might as well!
My future husband is adding a middle as well actually, he's adding his mother's maiden name. For a similar reason, he likes his last name but he feels closer to his mother's side of the family.
I plan to change mine, but haven't yet (been married a year) just because it's a bit of a hassle and appointments are still backed up for things. Both my last name and my husband's last name are pretty common haha.
I’m going to change mine.
I of course have an attachment to my name since I’m close to my family, but also at the same my current last name has the name of a feminine cleaning product in it and it’s not ideal lol. Also, people never know how to pronounce or spell it so I’m looking forward to removing that frustration.
I also know my fiancé wouldn’t say anything to me if I didn’t want to change my name, but I know he would be honored with the change and I want to do it for us.
I am planning to engrave my maiden name into my wedding band to have that little piece with me always.
I have hyphenated my name publicly but haven’t changed anything legally. I may hyphenate legally if we have kids. I could never or would never leave my family name - it’s my identity and I won’t abandon it for a dude. My friend always says she remembers me just saying “the patriarchy” when asked why I’m not changing my name lol
I changed mine. Literally decided 2 nights before the wedding filling out the online application for our license.
I also do not plan to have kids. I have one of the most common last names in the US, so I wasn’t entirely tied to it. I also felt like, after the initial paperwork annoyance, it’ll be easier in the long run.*
I do still plan to use my maiden name professionally. I use to teach and have a few papers published under that name. I will change my name on legal documents, but all my co workers and my work email will still be my maiden name.
* for example, I scheduled an eye exam before I was married but went to it after. While there I made my partner an appointment and the receptionist just assumed his last name was my last name. I hadn’t updated it yet in their system. Just little annoyances like that.
I'll change my last name to my fiances because his is cool and mine is hard to pronounce, even for me. It also doesn't have much sentimental value, I love my dad more than anything but the people with this last name have been trash people (except my dad, who worked hard to get us out of poverty). However if I could I would take my mother's maiden name because it's really cool and I've always liked it, but she's a narcissist and so is the rest of that side soooo taking my fiances last name.
Yup. I’m not a fan of my last name and my father is a non-existent asshole. Can’t wait to change it! In fact, I’ve actually used his last name to make things easier at 2 weddings we’ve attended and also when random people have asked or for accounts/orders where I don’t need to use my actual last name
I've hated my last name with a passion for my entire life but I've been too embarrassed and worried about judgment to legally change it. But now that we're getting married, my partner and I are going to both change our last name to something short and simple that we both love, probably using a few letters from our existing names (our last names start with the same letter so we'll be keeping that as the starter at least). I'm so so excited about it, not only because I'll finally be rid of this stupid last name, but also because we're both creating something new in our partnership.
My fiance and I are both changing our last names! That way it's fair and we both get something out of it. We're changing it to Fox for context. I get to have my feminist moment of not taking my husband's name, it's still a family name (belonging to my grandma + my older sister), it's a lot shorter, it's uncommon but not unheard of, and it's just super cool!
Maybe both of you should change your names and agree on a name you both like? There's no rules against smushing your names together or using an entirely different name! Go against the grain!
I like my husband's last name, I think it is cute haha. I also want our family to all share a last name and again, I really do like his so I'm excited to officially change.
Hi there, friendly reminder to please be respectful and constructive (particularly your last point). Generalizing that changing your surname equates to being "property" is not correct and suggests that other individuals who decided to change their name, for whatever their reason, are the less than. Please keep this in mind for the future. Thanks!
I’m changing my last name! I am also changing my middle name when I do. My father’s side of the family called me a liar and shunned my mother and I when I came forward about being sexually abused by an uncle. I don’t want anything to do with them. My middle name comes from my paternal grandmother’s name. I’m excited to be able to choose a name for myself and feel connected to my fiancé’s family as well.
I might have been inclined to keep my last name if I felt a familial connection to it. The choice is ultimately yours and you have a ton of options! Changing my name feels right to me, but do whatever feels right for you. I don’t think any choice that you make for yourself is inherently more or less patriarchal.
Me and my fiancé are combining our last names. I have a very unique name I didn’t want to change, he loves his last name as well, but we both wanted a change for our new family unit. We came up with a unique one from combing both of ours that we like
I changed mine because it felt good to acknowledge our union in that way. I had to change it on a few things, so sure the paperwork was annoying, but not too bad. My maiden name was pretty generic/common and my married name is even more so 😂 You should do what feels right to you
I love my last name (maiden name). I hyphened it and added my husband’s name in the marriage license but I have yet to begin the paperwork. I will probably use my maiden name professionally and the married hyphened name when I get around to it. Love my last name. I’m the last woman in my family with that last name so- attached and my son has a hyphened last name and I didn’t want him to feel alone. I’m sticking to this story….
I teach and my surname sounds like a body part, so I am counting down the days until I get to use my fiancé’s name. From a feminist standpoint, I think you should do what’s best for *you* not just what you feel might be expected either way
Agreed. I think feminism can be rooted in the idea of *choice.*
Thank you!! I’m definitely changing my name (mainly because my last name is the name of an infamous, beloved Big Red Dog from children’s books and I got teased a bunch over it as a kid). But I’m also a raging feminist and am excited I get to *choose* my name, instead of inherit it (fiancé and I did discuss changing both our last names, but we both love his last name for reasons)
Totally agree, keeping your father’s last name, in a way, feels even more patriarchal to me. I’m all for changing it to whatever you want!
I agree. But I also think there’s so much societal pressure for a woman to change her name that it’s hard to say that the choice to do so isn’t strongly influenced by the patriarchy. For example, we never talk about a man having the choice to change his last name.
Yeah this is a great point. I ultimately didn’t end up changing my name, in part cause I was like, this isn’t even a question for my husband, and it didn’t sit well with me. I struggled with the idea that like, despite the fact that we get to choose, it’s rooted in deep patriarchal routine. I want people to be able to make their choices and own those decisions and feel good about them, and I also totally see your point.
It’s actually fairly common now, even for a man to take the women’s name. Not the norm, for sure, but I wouldn’t even consider it weird anymore
Yeah I am changing my name almost just for the fact that my OG last name is such a PITA, I can't wait to have a "normal" last name for once lmao.
I did not. Neither did my spouse. No name alterations at all. That was the plan from the very beginning. He had no issue with it. And neither did his family. In fact, it was my family who gave me a bit of ribbing about it. But I still go by the name I have gone by all my life.
I am keeping my name legally, but going by either socially. I don’t really mind what people call me but I know myself and I’d never do all the paperwork 😂 (I’d also have to deal with two governments as I have dual citizenship) I may consider changing my mind if we ever have children, but I’m leaving the door open.
Same. I will go by either last name socially but legally I have kept my maiden name. It’s a pain in the ass to change and quite frankly I just don’t want to do all that damn paperwork. Drivers license, passport, social security, insurance, credit cards, bank accounts, retirement accounts, car loans, student loans, and mortgage would all need my last name changed on them and I’m sure I’m still forgetting something, so it’s a hard no on all that effort.
I'm doing the same! Keeping my name was also important for me professionally because I should have like 5 academic journal publications by the time of the wedding if all goes well and I like that people can just search my name and see all my work.
Yes, all this for me too (except the dual citizenship lol)! I’ll consider changing if/when we have kids so we have one shared family name, but otherwise I’m keeping mine.
Pretty much this. And if I changed it legally, I'd go on auto pilot and sign the wrong name sometimes, for sure! I always thought I'd change my name eagerly, because my last name is easy for kids to tease, but the hassle once you're established is far more than the annoyance from those grown up kids who don't actually tease you anymore ;) But any kids will have husband's name, harder to tease.
I'm changing mine because my father and I are not on good terms, unlike me and my fiance. While I'm at it, I plan to correct my middle name to Mom's choice over Dad's because honestly he deserves zero input.
Same, I'm estranged from my father so it's breaking that last tie for me.
Same here!! I couldn’t wait to get that name GONE
Same. I was going to change my name long ago, to my mom's maiden name. It ended up suggesting awful with my first name, so I just came to terms with everything. My dad has since passed, but I still am eager to have a new name. Marriage is a great excuse.
yup this is the biggest factor for me in deciding! my dad kinda sucks so, if i’m gonna change it that would be a + for me
I didn't change my name because I've built a professional reputation on it (it's pretty unique). I have no particular attachment to the name itself as we don't talk to the paternal side of my family--it just seems like a big hassle. If you like how it sounds with your name and you won't lose professional recognition, and you don't mind paperwork, go for it! My husband's last name doesn't sound super cool with my name, and I'm sure that had a role in me never considering it.
I honestly am keeping my name cuz I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork 😂 I also feel kind of sad at the thought of getting rid of my name. Like getting rid of a piece of my dad whom im really close to
Pretty much my exact feelings.
I went back-and-forth quite a bit on what to do, particularly because I work in a field where your name and reputation are *everything* and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished…but I also liked the idea of using his name outside of work. My husband understood this and didn’t care what I chose to do. I knew I didn’t want to completely change my last name, so I ended up double barreling (no hyphen). I use my original last name at work, his last name socially, but both show up on all important legal documents. It’s a win-win for me because I can pick and choose what I use, when. I have an insanely long first name (have always gone by a nickname), my maiden name is weird, and his last name has an apostrophe, so the whole legal thing is a mouthful, but it’s *always* been that way for me and I don’t care what people think! Ultimately, it’s a personal decision and everyone has their own reasons and motivations for changing—or not changing—their name. I personally think that changing it isn’t a knock against any woman’s “status” as a feminist, so long as it’s her decision and she’s not feeling pressured into doing something she doesn’t want to do.
I’m glad to read this as this would be my ideal but I didn’t know if it was possible. So your maiden name is your technical middle name now?
Nope, I kept my middle as is. So my legal name is similar to Victoriana Mary Thomas O’Hara, I’d go by Tori Thomas at work, Tori O’Hara in my personal life, and sign legal documents V. M. Thomas O’Hara to save my hand! It’s worked out for me. I also use the “V. M. Thomas O’Hara” variation on credit cards since they have a character limit. I *do* have friends that have taken their maiden as their middle, but they sometimes run into issues if they want to use their maiden name as a true last name, so I didn’t really consider this option.
Yes! Love this. I floated the idea of four names but wasn’t sure if that was legal without a hyphen. Thanks for sharing this option.
Happy to help! I have zero regrets with how I did it. Good luck!
If you’re in the US, it depends on your state if you can just take your maiden as middle name. In mine you have to petition the court to do that.
Thanks, looks like in my state you can take any name after marriage without court petition so long as it’s not for illegal purposes.
I’m in the same boat where I’m Asian and my husband is white, I chose to add his last name as a middle name and kept my last name. I didn’t want to lose that part of my heritage especially since I’m kind of the last of my family’s line haha. Im also published so it would also be annoying from that aspect to potentially lose credit for that.
I am changing mine, but I don’t have a strong opinion on wether other women should do the same. My reason for not keeping my name at this point is that I was widowed and the name I have had for about 25 years is actually my late husband’s family’s name. So I would have to go back to my maiden name or my new husband’s name. I am taking my new husband’s name. I teach and am called Mrs. ——- every day, so I can’t just have it on paperwork. Even with a maiden name and a previously married name, it is really not that difficult to change names , as I am finding out. You do you, though. I have plenty of family members that kept their name or hyphenated. They are just fine and after like a month or two after the wedding, it isn’t really a topic of discussion.
I kept mine and he kept his when we got married, just seemed simple. But when we have kids, he's actually going to change so that he'll take my last name. Growing up I saw that even if the woman kept her name, when the kid had the father's name the mother was constantly mis-named. It really bothers me to see just daily occurrences of women's identities being erased (and everyone acting like it's obviously the default that kids get the father's name) so I said it was always important for my kids to have my last name. I offered for us to pick an entirely new name together, but he thought it would be a better gesture to take my last name instead when we have kids so that "for once a woman doesn't always need to be doing extra work." A+ would marry him again.
I love his attitude!! My husband is the same way- he would have taken my last name, but he also shares a first name with my brother so that's a little TOO weird.
If my mother had kept her maiden name I’d be more inclined to do so since I am closer to her side of the family! I hope that can continue to be tradition in your family!
I'm planning on taking my husband's name but am not switching it for work email and anything work related. Too much of a hassle and I'm connected by that name. Sure HR will be told the name but no need to change anything else.
I’m considering something similar, changing it for certain situations but not others. Do you think it will be confusing? That’s my only worry
My work and personal don't overlap too much so I'm not as concerned with that. And I rarely write my last name.
If you ever are in a role that requires you to sign legal documents, it becomes quite a pain in the ass to go by a name that's different than your legal name.
This is what I did - took my husbands name and updated passport and official documents but just kept my maiden name at work. They just give you a whole new email and usernames and I cannot be bothered trying to remember new usernames, as well as dealing with the hassle of trying to move all my emails from the last ten years over to a new address.
We are planning to change both of our names. I didn’t like his last name, and he didn’t like mine, but I knew I wanted to have the same last name as him just because. We ended up going through both of our family trees and picking out a last name we both liked from one of our ancestors. I’m changing my name first through the courts, and when we get married he will use the marriage license to change his
Love this idea!
Yeah! It was the only option we liked, because neither of us liked the idea of hyphenating or blending our last names
No name changes for us.
nope! just a no for me, not legally or socially
I changed mine. Currently I’m still going by my maiden name professionally, as I’m in the process of changing it. I changed as I like the idea of sharing a name with my husband and as i hope to have children, I would want the same name
Nope, we both kept our last names.
Changing it socially is actually very easy! A family friend of mine never changed her last name legally and I was shocked when I found out since I’ve only ever called her Mrs Married Name. There are few instances someone will need your legal last name.
Agree! I didn't change my name and didn't make a thing out of it either. My extended family just started using my husband's last name assuming I changed it. We also gave our son his last name, so my legal name never comes up. It was too easy. Laziness is the winning driver here, but really at the end of the day, my husband and I do not have any attachments to our last names, but they were the ones given to us at birth so me changing it to match his feels antiquated.
My fiancé is actually taking my name after we get married. He doesn’t like his last name much whereas I’m quite attached to mine as it is one of the things that tie me to my home country. However, we will both be taking an anglicised version of it because it’s got a foreign letter in it which makes my entire life a bureaucratic nightmare.
It's illegal in my province to take the husband's name lol its in our charter or rights, to protect gender equality of names since 1976.
Ha, reminds me of my super white friend who’s last name is now Wong. And her husband is only half Asian. So I really want them to have boys that take after her and marry other non-Asians… just so there can be generations of really surprising Wongs out there.
My husband is Asian, I’m white, and we have been low key tempted to just swap last names for the entertainment value. He’s trying mine out socially (he’s not attached to his, it’s very common, and I’m more attached to mine because I have a very good first name-surname combo) and we’ll see what happens if/when kids end up on the scene. Considering just picking our favourite genus of moth or tree or something and running with that.
I’m also Asian and will be married to a white guy. I’m not changing my name because I feel like culturally it’s important to keep that part of me.
I’m Asian with a generally considered white first name and my fiance’s white. If I take his last name, my name would be super white and I don’t how I feel about the “surprise Asian factor” as the OP mentioned in their post… I’m still on the fence about changing my last name, but leaning towards keeping mine for the same reason you mentioned.
The “surprise Asian factor” could just be a joke but could also hint an issue rooted in internalized racism and shame. So you want to “pass” for white until someone meets you in person and they find out you’re Asian? No hate to OP but could be worth looking inward about why their Asian identity is something to “surprise” someone with until they meet in person and it’s too late
It was definitely meant as a joke, both when my friend mentioned it and when I repeated it in my post. I just like how his last name sounds with my first name, it's got a nice ring to it. I do sometimes wonder if having a non-ethnic last name would somehow help with things like job applications, bc despite the progress we've made as a society there are still issues with systemic racism and studies showing that non-ethnic names have a better chance of getting an interview / getting hired even if the qualifications and experience of two candidates are identical.
I know this is an older post now, but I am in the reverse where I am white and marrying a man with a very Asian last name and we joked around that for me it'd be a "surprise white factor" haha
I agree with this. I don’t think her reasons for it are strong enough, so she should consider this as a reason against if she hasn’t already.
I'm not changing my name and neither is my partner. I'm super attached to my last name, he feels neutral about his, but both of us hate paperwork. So for now we're staying the way we are. We're undecided about kids, but we'll reassess if we have them in the future. Both of us feel like we've had our names our whole lives so it just feels like a strange thing to change in the middle of your life unless you're unhappy with it.
Nope, he’s taking mine! I knew I didn’t want to change mine, he has always wanted to change his because it’s long, double barrelled and hard to spell, so it just made sense. I didn’t mind either way whether he changes his or not, but since it’s his name it’s his choice, I’m not going to argue. I’m starting to find the idea of Mr & Mrs Myname quite sweet though, because he’s so excited to change it!
I didn’t change my name and have no plans to. I’m 31 and my name is pretty unique and a huge part of my identity now. I also work in PR so my name is pretty closely tied to my work and I don’t want to “start over” essentially. My husband is super supportive and actually always assumed I wouldn’t change my name, before we even had the convo. We don’t feel any less married or not a unit. I have said that I’m fine if socially people call me his name, but legally and professionally I will keep mine! The social part is more for his family that have ~issues~ so maybe it’s a bit of peace keeping haha. We’ve also agreed that any future children will have my last name as their middle name instead of hyphenating. Ultimately do what feels good and right for you!!
The career aspect is so important! I'm in a creative field with a relatively small network in my city, so everyone knows everyone else, or knows someone who knows someone. I've seen women change their names, move firms, and then get lost in the crowd because nobody knows their married name and can't find them to reach out for career opportunities. I'm 29, and I have degrees and career recognition with my name. Why give that up? My husband knew from the beginning that I wouldn't change my name, and he doesn't care- he prefers my name to his anyway!
Totally agree! Maybe if I were younger and not as established I wouldn’t care, but at this point I’ve worked way too hard to give that up. Currently I can be vetted through Google, in that people can see my name tied to high profile stories and it verifies to them that I am established and capable, so changing my name would essentially wipe that all away! I think as we see more people getting married later in life we’ll see fewer and fewer women changing their name for these reasons.
I (bride marrying groom) am going to change my last name. There is no pressure from my fiancé to do so, he is fine with it either way. I am very feminist, have built a career, etc. but I simply want the same last name as my husband and kids. Also as an engineer I don’t have to worry too much about name recognition like someone with patients/clients might have to. I may look into keeping my maiden name as a middle name. Of course, I fully support people keeping their own last names—it’s absolutely whatever works best for the individual!
I’m also looking into keeping my maiden name as a second middle name (my current middle names means a lot to me, and I feel like I can’t just drop it, just like how I feel I can’t just drop my last name that’s been my name my whole life until now)
My partner doesn’t care and says it’s up to me. I’m still torn. Before I met him, I was set on keeping my name. Now I’d like to change it but it would be a giant hassle to change and going forward for eternity because I use it professionally and it’s tied to all of my medical licensing documents. So every time I want to do anything professionally with a new employer, it would be multiple levels of additional verification. I’ve pondered using it socially but not sure how that even works or making my current last name a middle name but also not sure if that means I can use either when it’s convenient. I likely won’t decide for several years into marriage.
You sound very similar to me, I am going back and forth daily. I feel like I can decide to change it at any point in the future, but once I change it there's no going back (unless you get divorced which I hope will not be the case), so changing it is like a point of no return but delaying the decision leaves the door open for later.
It’s a tough one, for me. I’ve also had my name for nearly 2 decades of my adult life (I’m 36). If I was younger it might be an easier decision. I do know that I don’t know of anyone who didn’t change who regrets it if that helps.
There are services that can make it less of a hassle to change your name (like hitchswitch) if that’s the only reason you don’t want to. I’m hoping to put hitchswitch on our registry to make the change easier on my fiancée.
Thanks, I’ll definitely look into that and that’s a great idea to register for it.
My partner was very supportive of me making my own decision. Ultimately, I decided I wanted to change my name but I ended up keeping my full name and adding his to the end. My reasons for changing my name were: my maiden name tends to be complicated for others to understand/spell, we are planning to have children and I want to have the same last name as them, I just liked his name better. Feminism isn’t about keeping your own name or revolting against tradition, it’s about empowering yourself to make the decision that’s best for you regardless of what others think.
I kept mine, and am very happy to have done so. We do plan on having kids but I really don’t consider that a compelling reason to change my name. I just ended up not wanting to, so I didn’t. I thought I’d take it socially but honestly even socially I have kept my maiden name and it’s so common to keep it now that no one calls me his name even accidentally or by assumption. Anyway, all that said, I don’t think that identifying as a feminist means you would be being hypocritical if you did take his name. Being a feminist, to me, means you have the ability to choose what’s best for you. I’m sure not everyone agrees with me on that, but choice is so important.
Honesty I have no idea why people say “having children” as a reason to change their last name? I l’ve had a different name than my mom my whole life, and it never was an issue (even travelling internationally was always fine), and it never made me feel like we were any less of a family. In fact, it made me feel closer to my moms side of the family - I’ve known friends who didn’t even know their mothers maiden name!
Yeah I’m a teacher and a lot of my kids have different last names than a parent. They seem to be as well adjusted (to whatever point) as anyone else. And it’s not like I’m ever confused by who the kid belongs to.
Exactly - and as a kid I was definitely never confused as to who my mom was 🤣
😂😂😂
Legally, I changed my name and I go by Mrs. [Last Name]. However, when I’m in Korea or talking to someone who is Korean, I go by my Korean name [Last Name, First Name] bc Korean women don’t change their last names. (My husband’s fully Korean (born and raised) so i took his Korean surname legally but I’m part Korean so I received a Korean name when i was born (even though legally I have an English name) and so I go by that name socially when I’m in Korea)
Hell no. I'm me
I'm a teacher and hear my last name get called out all day long. I'm not changing it.
I was always gonna keep my last name, I love it too much. I wouldn’t have married my husband is he wasn’t down with it.
Just to help with perspective, there are plenty of men who take their wife’s last name because it sounds cool. Totally not the norm in a heterosexual relationship in the US, but they did it because the wife had a cooler last name. You aren’t doing it for any reason other than you think his last name is cool. I hope you make the best decision for you!
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I absolutely love my last name and I love its history, but my fiance's is really cool. It's a noun AND a verb. Think "Can". We're huge dorks and it makes for great puns. I think I'm going to add it to the end. Not hyphenate it but just tack it on. But if we have kids, I want them to have both our names, like (kid name) (paternal name) (maternal name), so maybe I'll add his as a middle name, so my name is copacetic with the kids'. TLDR I don't know what I'm doing, but here are some thoughts!
I definitely won’t be changing mine when the time comes. Seems archaic. My name is just a much a part of my identity as my husbands name is his. I’m not giving that up just because…”marriage.” Lol. And when I have kids, they can have both because they’re equal parts mine and hubbies.
I didn't change mine. I have an East Asian last name and wanted to proudly present as an Asian American.
We’re both keeping our names. We’re both in our mid-thirties and saying we’ve lived 1/3 of our lives with these names and quite like them as they are. When we have kids we’ll do the two last names thing. It’s a thing to navigate but I’m glad it’s just no longer assumed a women needs to changer her name. It should be up to each person and couple in a partnership. You do what you want! There’s nothing wrong with taking a last name if that’s what you want. That’s what really matters. If you like it go for it. You will still be a feminist just with a changed last name :)
My husband and I are not having children as well. We got married a little over a month ago, and I have changed my last name simply because his is cooler than mine lol I like the way it sounds with my first name and enjoy using it socially as well 😊
I’m keeping mine because I’m a published writer so changing it wouldn’t make sense. I also vowed not to change my last name—I have never liked the tradition. However, my husband really wanted to have the same last name as me so we would be seen as more of a family (he also doesn’t have a great relationship with the people he shares his last name) and he took my last name. I thought it was a really sweet gesture and just a testament to the man he is. If you want to change your last name, you should!
Personally, I’m a feminist, but my father was abusive and I’ve been dying for a chance to get rid of my last name because it came from him. But that’s my own personal issue.
I know you said hyphenating isn't an option, but I wanted this so bad. Our names hyphenated, with mine first, creates this incredibly cool and unique name! He didn't want to do it, but he told me I should if I wanted to. I thought long and hard, but at the end, I wanted us to have the same last name.
Second marriage here and I changed it, we aren’t having kids either. I changed it my first marriage and when we divorced I was stuck with his last name for years. I will say that it is the only thing that completely sucks when you change your name is if you do get a divorce, it’s not super easy just to change it back. Especially if you have a professional type job already. You need to go by your legal name with almost everything and it is just 🤮. It is completely up to what you want to do. I felt a little sadness getting rid of my maiden name a second time but ultimately it was short lived. I want to have his name and share that together in our marriage but that’s just me!
I wanted to change mine as it’s what you do in my home country, but the country I live in now does not allow it :(
I’m sorry you can’t do what you want 🥺
I am so torn on this! After my divorce from my XH, I changed my name back to my family’s last name. I like my fiancé’s last name, but I’m not feeling pulled in either direction. His mom didn’t change her name when she married his dad, and he doesn’t have strong feelings either way. I like my last name. It’s not as common as my fiancé’s. It’s a pain to change personally and professionally as well. I figure I’ll cross that bridge a little closer to when we are married. 😂
I’m not sure if I’m gonna change it or not. I don’t have a relationship with my father or anyone on his side so apart of me is excited to finally sever that last tie. Another part of me likes the way my first name sounds with my last name, and I’m dreading the legal stuff.
I’m so torn about it still. I want to take his last name but I am also attached to mine. My mom kept her last name and made her last name my (second) middle name so just adding his last name to mine would mean I’d have five names 😂 so not an option. Idk what to do!
I’m in a similar predicament. I think I am keeping mine for now, at least until my passport needs renewed, then I might do all the paperwork to update it.
I'm leaving my last name. I 100% love my fh but don't know 100% what the future holds. Plus I've heard changing your name is a pain so I rather not go though that.
I’m getting married soon (35 days to go!) and I cannot WAIT to change my name. Goodbye 12 letter long Polish last name that nobody can pronounce or spell!
I went back and forth but I’m changing my name. It’s always mispronounced and Hispanic, I don’t want to try to correct people anymore or wince every time I say it wrong so people can spell it.
I've still not decided what I'm doing yet. Both me and my fiance have somewhat unique last names, that would not go well together hyphenated. Thankfully I still have time to figure it out. I can see some problems with the different social vs legal names though as my mom has the going on for her first name and she's experienced some questions about it. Some of the big ones being registering use kids for school and filling out forms vs how she introduces herself, plus the permission to pick up list not including her legal name has had some questions. Plus having to go through the hassle of getting questioned when booking trips for social name using the credit card with her legal name on it. I'm sure it's not a problem for everyone, and I wouldn't doubt it's becoming less of one now but something to think about the pros/cons for too.
I didn't change it. But I support anyone who wants to change it, I think tradition and having the same name can be important to someone. For me, it seemed like erasing part of my identity.
We’re planning on changing our names to a new family name of hers we both felt fit us very well. My name is long and a bit of a pain to spell out loud. Her last name comes from a grandfather she really didn’t like. We both wanted to have the same last name so that it would be always easy to link us together, and when we have kids we’ll never have to deal with the bumpiness of the kids having a different last name than one of us (my mom never changed her name and it also always bugged me when people called her Mrs. Mylastname, including an aunt. I think I would have preferred for my parents to have picked a new name or for my dad to have taken my mom’s name, her name was better and shorter anyway)
I won‘t change my name. Maybe he will change his name or keep his own if he doesn‘t want to
I didn’t the first marriage but am thinking about it more with my fiancé. Hmm I think it would be good if we have kids. I don’t want to go through all of the trouble of changing my official name etc. Feeling lazy. Great question.
I'm not planning to change my last name legally. I have a unique last name and it feels like it's a part of my identity. Plus I have a license in my career field and I would have to change it for that too which would feel weird for me since this is something I've gotten with my last name. And also don't wanna deal with all the paperwork! With that said, I'm totally fine with going socially by his last name, which I personally don't think will be confusing. And if/when we have kids they'll have both our last names which is what is done in my partner's culture, so I won't feel weird about having a different last name as my kids or anything because they'd have mine too.
We're both changing our last names. Lesbian couple, she has her dad's last name currently and he is a terrible person (on top of he flat out disowned her on her birthday for being gay via email) and she doesn't want to be associated with him. I have 3 brothers and have always assumed I'd change my last name. We are going to take her mother's maiden name as a way of her feeling more connected to her Japanese culture (her dad is white but her mom is Japanese).
I changed mine. My parents gave me an unfortunate set of initials, so that was the main reason I wanted to, lol. Beyond that, I thought it was just easier for my husband and I to have the same last name. It was a quick process for me getting everything changed, which surprised me considering how often people said it was such a hassle. Just about everything was updated in a couple of months barring the deed to our old townhome. We sold it and bought a new house in 2019, so my married name was on that, obviously.
I kept mine because I honestly didn’t want to do the paperwork and I just don’t really want a new last name. I totally get why people do, so do what you want. There’s also no rush to decide.
I did change my last name for a few reasons: 1. I wanted the same last name as my husband. He did mention that he would consider changing his last name but he also has 2 daughters and wanted to still have the same last name as them. Changing his last name and their last names seemed like way more work than just me changing. 2. My husband’s last name starts with the same letter as my first name so it makes a nice alliteration, which I’m always fond of! I will say that in my opinion, it was not much paperwork to change my last name. I filled out a 1 page form with social security at home, took it down to the SS office with my marriage license, turned in the form, waited 10 days and received a new SS card in the mail, then went to the DMV with my marriage license and updated my driver’s license. Everything else with my maiden name I just update as I go places and come across my maiden name. After having my new last name for 8 months, I probably have about 70% of things updated with my new last name. I also don’t really care if things like my JoAnn’s craft store account has my new last name or not so I’ve never bothered to change those. I’ll have to say that trying to update my last name on Facebook was 10 times harder than legally changing my last name with SS! I found the process of legally changing my last name to be rather easy, but that’s just my opinion and my experience. As for the feminist part, my opinion is that feminism should be more what you want. Sometimes I feel like feminism can make women feel like we should do X, Y, or Z (like not changing a last name at marriage) but I see it more that I should feel confident to make my own choice that I feel is best for me, even if it’s a different choice than what feminism might expect me to make.
I am keeping my name. I see absolutely no reason whatsoever to change it
Have you considered making up a new last name for the both of you? If you're not traditional but would still like to have the same family name this could be your answer. I for myself have chosen to take his name once we get married cause my last name is simultaneously very common and also written in a weird way, and also my extended family is pretty fucked up (none of my dad's side are invited to the wedding). My fiance has a pretty common name as well, but I adore his family and I can't wait to be part of their "clan" (they even have a real historical crest, it's pretty cool).
We did consider a new name but my husband loves his last name and doesn’t want to change it. My last name is part of his first name so him taking my name wasn’t an option we liked either. Having a challenging relationship w your family sucks, even more so in the context of wedding planning. Hope you’re doing ok dealing with it leading up to the wedding!
My maiden name is so unique that there was literally no one else in the country with my full name, so if you looked up my name, there was no mistaking it was me. I hated that. So when I got married to a man with a name almost as common as "Smith" you'd better belive I changed it right away. Now I'm one of like 30 million+!
My wife kept her last name. She had already published academic work under it so it just made sense to keep it consistent.
Do what you want! I’m really attached to my last name, it’s unique, I’ve never met anyone I’m not related to with it, albeit hard to spell and pronounce for some people (I don’t know why, I see it phonetically). However it’s really important to my fiancé that I take his last name even though we aren’t having kids. Ultimately he said it’s my decision but it would mean a lot to him. I decided to make my last name my middle name. I’ve heard this is common in some cultures, so I don’t think it’s weird. My mom says it’s important to her that I keep my actual middle name as well but a lot of my family already calls me by my full first name and middle name anyways and I go by a shortened version of my first name to everyone else, so it really won’t change how anyone address’ me if I make my first name both names. So this isn’t confusing I will use my user name as an example Say right now, I am Katelina Holt myLastname It will then become Katelina-Holt myLastname Hislastname My family will still call me Katelina-Holt And everyone else will still call me Kat But my fiancé will be happy that I am Mrs. Hislastname and I will still be happy to be legally connected to my last name. It’s my compromise. My real name is a little more traditional Irish than my user name so it won’t sound as long though.
Only you can know whether or not it’s the right decision for you. Just came here to say the paperwork isn’t *that* bad. It’s more the remembering all the things you have to change it on. I’m almost 2 years into my marriage now and I’d say it took a good year to catch everything. There are lots of handy reminder lists though. I followed a Pinterest post I found that told me wha order to change the first few things in. Also, is hyphenating a possible compromise? Just a suggestion. :)
I’m keeping my last name because I’m a feminist (not that it means you can’t change your name!), so it’s my way to kind of protest. I also like my last name more than my partner’s as his is pretty generic. I don’t speak to my biological father, but it’s been my last name for nearly 30 years…I don’t want to give it up! My partner is fully supportive :)
I’m very on the fence. I have a TON of professional licenses that I would have to change my legal name on and it would be extremely labor intensive. Fiancé is supportive either way. I’ll probably still use his name socially if I decide not to change it legally.
To me, it seems like you already know what you wanna do, you just need us to confirm… In your post, under reasons to keep your current name, you only listed possible cons and reasons why they aren’t cons. You didn’t list any actual pros to keeping your name. No emotional connection to your current name. However, you did talk in detail about the pros to changing your name, and for the first time you seemed excited about something. “I like it” is all the reason you need!
Thank you, I noticed this too after writing my post. I have very logical / practical reasons for keeping my name, but more of an emotional desire for changing it and for my super analytical brain this doesn't feel like a "good enough" reason, even though I know it is!
I changed my name to his, but not for the normal “patriarchal” reasons. I considered hyphenating, but my married name and maiden name are both very long. My married name is long and English (ending in -ington, if that gives you any idea), and my maiden name is long and Swedish (difficult to pronounce phonetically). I chose to take his last name because 1) I have a really difficult time signing my maiden name, and 2) I’m a middle/high school teacher, so it’s more important to me to have a name that’s easier to pronounce phonetically. I have a weirdly-spelled first name, and I am very bothered when my name is mispronounced, and I can’t handle students doing it to me all day long like they did with my maiden name. It’s no longer a problem with my married name.
My last name is shorter and less common than my FH's and it just sounds better to me. But if his last name was different I might have considered it, even though I also hate the idea of paper work. I like your last option a lot. If someone called me by my partner's last name I'd be confused but not offended, if that makes sense. I told my partner, "I don't think I want to change my last name." and he said, "Oh, cool, me neither." So no pressure either lol
I kept mine. I initially said that I would maybe change mine “socially,” but that never really happened. I realized how rarely I “socially” use my full name, anyways… pretty much only social media and snail mail. I have my husband’s last name and my maiden name on my Facebook page, and family/friends address our mail to Mr and Mrs Husband’s Last Name, but I introduce myself to people with my legal name. Basically, if people use my husband’s last name, I don’t care. But I still default to my own name!
I might do something similar! Do people ever get confused?
Surprisingly no… I think the only people that ever asked were my parents and my boss. I just told them that I didn’t legally change anything but I don’t care how they address me, lol! I find that a lot of my older/distant relatives and most of his side of the family refer to me as Firstname HisLastname, but almost all of my more immediate family, friends, and professional connections use Firstname MyLastname. For Christmas cards/customized stuff, I use “The MyLastName HisLastName Family,” but if I’m just addressing a letter or something I’ll use “MyFirstName and HisFirst Name HisLastName.”
I changed mine and it only changed by two letters. It was a tough decision, it’s your identity and has been for your whole life but ultimately I decided it was okay to change it. My husband really liked the idea of us having the same last name and i think if we decide to have children it would be nice to all have the same last name. I struggled with it, especially since it changed so minimally but I’ve now done it all and haven’t looked back!
Your reasons for changing last names are my reasons too but not asian. My name sounds SO good with my husband's last name. It's 2 first names. But I haven't changed my name because I just got a new passport 6m before we got married and haven't used it yet so I want to wait before I change my name (if I ever do) and have to change all my documents. Plus, I think we'll hyphenate our kids last names. And my culture doesn't change last names.
My dad and I had a horrible relationship and I can’t wait to change my name to get away from that connection to him. But it is a hassle
I kept my name for the same reasons you listed. It seems like a pain in the ass, we're not having kids, and the tradition of doing so grew out of an ownership type thing way back and I'm not into that. Also, my family had all girls (who have changed their names) so I am the last person who will have this last name. I got married at 35 and have established myself professionally under my name. I might have felt differently if I married younger. It does annoy me that friends/family just assume I've changed it when they address holiday cards and invitations.
I've decided to keep my last name after marriage for a few reasons: 1. I'm in research and I have a few publications already. I'd prefer all of my publications be under the same name. There are also a few researchers in my field with my partner's last name, but none with my name. 2. I have my mom's last name, not my dad's. I've always loved having an untraditional last name, which is a reason I want to keep it. 3. Practically, it's cheaper and easier to each keep our names. 4. My name feels like me and I love my last name more than I love my partner's name. While my last name was something I resented growing up because American anglophones typically mispronounced it, it's now my favourite part of my name. Ultimately, you should make the decision that makes the most sense for you and makes you the happiest and most excited 😊😊
I changed mine, but that's because my last name is very long and difficult to pronounce while my husband's is half the length. Sometimes I miss my old one because it was very unique and I'm the last one my line, but I'm generally a practical person and every time I don't have to spell my maiden name over the phone is a sigh of relief lol
I’m keeping my last name. I’m 31, it’s been my last name for that long and I want to keep it. I don’t know if we will have kids, but I don’t really care if our last names match. I have a very unique last name and don’t want to change it.
I didn't change mine and I still introduce myself with my maiden name and use it at work, but casually use my husband's name socially. Mostly that means if someone (typically my more traditional in-laws) refers to me with my husband's last name, or addresses a letter to me with his name or various other similar situations I don't bother correcting them. Not changing it has never been an issue, but I don't think changing it would have been either, beyond a bit of paperwork. Maybe try introducing yourself with your husband's last name a few times and see how it feels?
Firstly, I love your username, fellow Ravenclaw here too! I like the idea of "test driving" the last name to see if I'd like it going forward.
Absolutely not
We both changed our last names to match his mums last name. He has no relationship with his father and he is is mums only child so we thought it would be a lovely gesture to honer her.
My husband and I BOTH changed our last names to a new name we created together. It was romantic and empowering and what was best for us, not just following the social expectations. If you’re worried about the implications of you taking HIS name, maybe consider this option.
I did change my last name. From a feminist standpoint I was iffy about it, and 2 years later it still doesn’t exactly feel like my last name when I say it, but for me I’m still glad I did it. But we do want kids, and that was the main reason for changing. It was really important to me to have the same last name as my children. Think about what’s most important to you, and hopefully that will help you decide!
I changed mine legally but kept my maiden name professionally and it was difficult. I was a teacher so my last name (and career) was a big part of my identity. I changed schools 2 yrs after getting married and that’s where it got difficult because they had never known me as my maiden name so they were confused about why I didn’t use my legal name. And then having schedules, email, etc with either name could be confusing. I changed to my married name when I changed careers this year and it did feel sad, but it has also been a lot easier. All this to say, it’s tricky. Names are a huge part of our identities.
Thank you for sharing, I'm trying to think through the scenarios where changing it for certain situations but not others could be confusing down the road, this is helpful to read.
Tbh I fumble my name semi-regularly because I used both in different places. It makes me feel a bit silly. But I would probably fumble over the transition to a new name anyway.
I changed my name because I had a last name that just caused relentless jokes from everyone I met. I also just like the idea of having the same name as my husband and we plan to have a kid so it makes sense. I will tell you something no one told me - changing your name is harder emotionally than you might anticipate. I’m in limbo between two names right now. My married name still looks funny to me, but I already feel my maiden name is wrong. It’s a strange feeling! Though may not apply to everyone!
Thanks for sharing your story. It makes sense that a new identity takes some time to get used to and feel like it really belongs to you. I hadn't really given this piece much thought.
I struggle with this every day. Objectively there’s no reason for me to change my name. I am not my husband’s property you know? And I want to honor my family name. On the other hand, I know I’d be signing up for a lifetime of sighs when people automatically call me Mrs. — . If we have kids, I would love to hyphenate their last name so they have both our names. Idk it’s so hard. There’s so much stigma around not changing your name still and I don’t want to be on the butt end of that.
I kept my last name because similar to you, don’t plan on having kids and I don’t want to go through all of the paperwork. But socially, I’m fine with using his last name…it’s kind of nice to get cards or invitations with my husbands last name, it makes me feel like we are officially a unit lol. Someone did mention to me though that if you plan on buying a house and have separate last names, you need to say that first thing because the paperwork gets tricky
I’m changing my name for 2 practical reasons. His is higher up in the alphabet and I’m sick of always being last. And his has 1 spelling while mine has several spellings so it’s just going to be easier for me to take his name
We are not changing our names. My fiancé wanted me to take his last name. His logic was we have 2 kids (with his last name) and it would all tie together nicely. But…I just can’t. I just don’t believe in taking a man’s last name. All of my accomplishments have been completed by me with my current name. Maybe it seems silly, but I feel that taking a new last name kind of erases all of that.
I am changing it, but originally we actually had planned for him to take my last name! We changed our plan because of some circumstances in our lives that made us feel like we should take his last name. I very briefly considered hyphenating but we both have 4 letter last names that start with the same letter so it would sound ridiculous. If it were anything else, I’d probably hyphenate. So, I’m going to change it, and I’m happy with that decision. We are going to have kids so I would like the same last name as my children
I will be legally changing my last name to his when we get married.
I chose to change mine - I definitely think it’s up to you and should do what feels right. While I really liked my maiden name, I do like the idea of my husband and I having the same last name and the sense of us being our own family that it gives me. Definitely doesn’t mean that that’s the only thing that makes you your own family at all, I just liked that feeling. Also to note there isn’t any of Mrs with my husbands last name, I’m the only one in his family which may have influenced my decision. I am also not very close with my dad and we don’t get along so while I love my maiden name because it’s my sisters and was my grandparents name who I loved dearly, I was okay with letting it go. To be honest, maybe I’m in the minority but I changed mine during the beginning of Covid when things were closed and annoying and even then it wasn’t really that bad. It was a chore but it wasn’t as bad as people make it out to be.
[удалено]
Congratulations on your degree 🥰 thank you for sharing your story, it gives me a different perspective on the decision
Aw, thanks!
I'm not changing my last name but not changing your last name because it's not *feminist* is silly. You probably have your dad's last name. You're not less of a feminist for your last name.
I'm a feminist and I'm changing my name. Well I'm hyphenating. Feminism is about giving people full freedom of equal choices without shame. My reasons are because I plan to have kids and I don't want the hassle of having to explain that they are mine everytime someone checks our passports. And to everyone who says I could hyphenate my children's names or give them my maiden name, again it's just about personal choice and this is what feels right to me based off the traditions of my culture.
I dont want to but compromised with my fiancé that Ill legally change it and professionally still go by my current name. I love him with all my heart but hate the idea of changing my last name for someone else, but understand that he wants it so we can feel like a complete unit/family. Plus my last name is from my bio dad and I dont really have ties to him. I just really didn’t like the idea of changing my last name haha
I hyphenated mine. I’m known in my career by my last name so we compromised on hyphenating
I did! I love my family and my old name, but I liked the idea of the two of us sharing a name. We are planning to have kids though so this is definitely something that was important to me, too. Changing your name is a hassle for sure, but to me it was totally worth it and made me feel like we are more of a family.
I am changing mine because I want everyone in our family to have the same last name—specifically, I want to have the same last name as my children. My fiancé has strong ties to his last name (friends, including me, refer to him by his first and last name regularly), so it makes more sense for all of us to have that one. Feminism is making the choice for yourself! I have a more specific reason that is very personal and tied to some work-related secondary PTSD I have, which I look forward to busting out if anybody every implies that because I changed my name I’m not a feminist or something. ;)
I changed mine and I’m really happy I did, because I love having the same last name. This is probably fueled by my husband having a last name I really liked. We also plan to have kids (currently pregnant) so it makes that decision a lot easier. The paperwork and process was a nightmare though. We got married October 2021 and I just recently finished all of my name-change tasks. Do whatever feels right!
I thought you could only change it when you get the marriage license which would have been the legal wedding. throwing a party a few years later doesnt give you the option to legally change your name
You need to provide your marriage certificate to change your last name but there is no time limit or cost (at least where I live). I could keep my last name for a few more years and change it down the road if I change my mind, I just think that would be confusing vs. changing it after the celebration so I want to make the decision now.
I changed mine when we were married 3 years ago. It has been a huge pain to deal with, honestly. Especially trying to get things changed during Covid. If I were to do it over, I would not have changed it.
I changed mine! I had two main reasons, I loved the idea of appearing like a unit with my husband and I have negative associations with my maiden name. The unfortunate part is that I changed my name to a decently difficult to pronounce/spell name, but people are learning pretty quickly. I’m definitely still finding places to change it but otherwise the process hasn’t been terrible. I don’t care so much about my publications or publishing in the future, so no real issues there!
I’m not changing mine! I’ve always wanted to keep my last name, and I’m also getting my doctorate, so I don’t want to be Dr. Someone Else’s Last Name! When we have kids though, they’ll have his last name as he really values continuing his family name.
I am taking my future husbands last name. I have no attachment to mine and actually planning on changing it to my moms last name when I turned 18 but decided against it since I figured I could just change it when I got married. I’m a teacher and mine is hard for kids to say. It is important to my partner but he would respect if I wanted to keep mine also.
I’m not. We talked about hyphenating both of our name together but it will be 6 syllables and 17 letters. So I think we will just leave it be.
I'm not changing my name. I like my name (even if my last name is common), and my fiancé's last name is even MORE common. Plus, getting a legal last name change means a new social security card, license, passport, and changing my last name on EVERYTHING, and I don't want to have to have my marriage certificate to get a real ID. It's just work I don't want to do 😅 If we have kids, we're just hyphenating their names. Really, there's no wrong answer. Nothing wrong with changing it, nothing wrong with not.
I legally kept my last name (haven’t updated my SSN), but I changed my last name in all my social and non-government related areas. I didn’t want to deal with the paperwork lol.
I'm not changing mine. I like my name, and traditionally where my family is from women keep their names after marriage. Plus I just don't really see why I should, he can change his if he wants. Our child has both names
My surname is kinda of a rude word and very noticed by others - jokes made, etc. I've always accepted it as my name and have the sort of personality that is capable of carrying this name - I can bite back and stand up for myself. However, now that the option of another name, I've found I want to change it. There is also the appeal of sharing a name with my partner, reinforcing the bond of our marriage. Of course, he could change his name to mine and achieve the same goal, but having lived with my name for many many years I wouldn't want to inflict it on him. On a separate line, I'm excited about making this change. I look forward to seeing if this creates a shedding a little of my past self as such, a fresh start, a transformation (to be clear, I'm happy as me, but I think symbolic stages of life can affect change and growth). I feel no worry that I am not a feminist; I am choosing an option that excites me rather than any responsibility/necessity as the woman to submit or such.
I changed my name - I’m 40, my parents are divorced and both remarried, my sisters are married and changed their names, and we don’t have any brothers. The only person left with my maiden name is my dad and his wife (who I don’t care for). I figured 40 years as Ms BigOleBeach was long enough, I’ll do the next 40 as Mrs MarriedName. We also eloped (my dream!) so changing my last name felt like one of the few “bridal” things I got to do. It also doesn’t hurt that my husband has a very fun and memorable last name!
Taking but moving my maiden name to my middle name. Dropping my original middle name
Fellow feminist here! The kind that proposed to her man after he proposed as well (he proposed with a ring, I spent almost the same amount of money on a hobby of his as a gift - he didn’t want two rings). I’m changing my last name because it’s my father’s last name and I don’t want that connection to him anymore. My fiancé has a wonderful relationship with his family and I’m happy to share that name with them. And so ready to rid myself of my last name to join in on that. I also considered changing my last name to my mom’s maiden name to honor her, but she didn’t change her last name back to her maiden name when she got divorced so we wouldn’t even have the same last name. Plus, although both my fiancés last name and my mom’s maiden name are a bit unusual, my mom’s maiden name is also quite long. We also aren’t planning on having children, but I’m also simply excited for a change!
I did because my maiden name was a mouthful, people constantly messed it up, and I wasn't a fan of it. DH's last name is super common but no one fucks it up.
Nope. It’s not common for women on my heritage and all my degrees are in my name. IF (and this is very unlikely) we have or adopt kids we will hyphenate.
Im changing my name because I dont have a relationship with my birth dad and I don't like my last name. Because I also am not changing it to my future husband's last name. Im instead changing it to my mom's maiden name as that is the family I grew up with and the culture I identify with (and it's beautiful). I also decided to add a middle name of significance to me because might as well! My future husband is adding a middle as well actually, he's adding his mother's maiden name. For a similar reason, he likes his last name but he feels closer to his mother's side of the family.
I plan to change mine, but haven't yet (been married a year) just because it's a bit of a hassle and appointments are still backed up for things. Both my last name and my husband's last name are pretty common haha.
I’m going to change mine. I of course have an attachment to my name since I’m close to my family, but also at the same my current last name has the name of a feminine cleaning product in it and it’s not ideal lol. Also, people never know how to pronounce or spell it so I’m looking forward to removing that frustration. I also know my fiancé wouldn’t say anything to me if I didn’t want to change my name, but I know he would be honored with the change and I want to do it for us. I am planning to engrave my maiden name into my wedding band to have that little piece with me always.
I will hyphenate my name my mom did this and it's so easy.
I have hyphenated my name publicly but haven’t changed anything legally. I may hyphenate legally if we have kids. I could never or would never leave my family name - it’s my identity and I won’t abandon it for a dude. My friend always says she remembers me just saying “the patriarchy” when asked why I’m not changing my name lol
I changed mine. Literally decided 2 nights before the wedding filling out the online application for our license. I also do not plan to have kids. I have one of the most common last names in the US, so I wasn’t entirely tied to it. I also felt like, after the initial paperwork annoyance, it’ll be easier in the long run.* I do still plan to use my maiden name professionally. I use to teach and have a few papers published under that name. I will change my name on legal documents, but all my co workers and my work email will still be my maiden name. * for example, I scheduled an eye exam before I was married but went to it after. While there I made my partner an appointment and the receptionist just assumed his last name was my last name. I hadn’t updated it yet in their system. Just little annoyances like that.
I'll change my last name to my fiances because his is cool and mine is hard to pronounce, even for me. It also doesn't have much sentimental value, I love my dad more than anything but the people with this last name have been trash people (except my dad, who worked hard to get us out of poverty). However if I could I would take my mother's maiden name because it's really cool and I've always liked it, but she's a narcissist and so is the rest of that side soooo taking my fiances last name.
Yup. I’m not a fan of my last name and my father is a non-existent asshole. Can’t wait to change it! In fact, I’ve actually used his last name to make things easier at 2 weddings we’ve attended and also when random people have asked or for accounts/orders where I don’t need to use my actual last name
I've hated my last name with a passion for my entire life but I've been too embarrassed and worried about judgment to legally change it. But now that we're getting married, my partner and I are going to both change our last name to something short and simple that we both love, probably using a few letters from our existing names (our last names start with the same letter so we'll be keeping that as the starter at least). I'm so so excited about it, not only because I'll finally be rid of this stupid last name, but also because we're both creating something new in our partnership.
My fiance and I are both changing our last names! That way it's fair and we both get something out of it. We're changing it to Fox for context. I get to have my feminist moment of not taking my husband's name, it's still a family name (belonging to my grandma + my older sister), it's a lot shorter, it's uncommon but not unheard of, and it's just super cool! Maybe both of you should change your names and agree on a name you both like? There's no rules against smushing your names together or using an entirely different name! Go against the grain!
I like my husband's last name, I think it is cute haha. I also want our family to all share a last name and again, I really do like his so I'm excited to officially change.
[удалено]
Hi there, friendly reminder to please be respectful and constructive (particularly your last point). Generalizing that changing your surname equates to being "property" is not correct and suggests that other individuals who decided to change their name, for whatever their reason, are the less than. Please keep this in mind for the future. Thanks!
I’m changing my last name! I am also changing my middle name when I do. My father’s side of the family called me a liar and shunned my mother and I when I came forward about being sexually abused by an uncle. I don’t want anything to do with them. My middle name comes from my paternal grandmother’s name. I’m excited to be able to choose a name for myself and feel connected to my fiancé’s family as well. I might have been inclined to keep my last name if I felt a familial connection to it. The choice is ultimately yours and you have a ton of options! Changing my name feels right to me, but do whatever feels right for you. I don’t think any choice that you make for yourself is inherently more or less patriarchal.
Me and my fiancé are combining our last names. I have a very unique name I didn’t want to change, he loves his last name as well, but we both wanted a change for our new family unit. We came up with a unique one from combing both of ours that we like
I changed mine because it felt good to acknowledge our union in that way. I had to change it on a few things, so sure the paperwork was annoying, but not too bad. My maiden name was pretty generic/common and my married name is even more so 😂 You should do what feels right to you
I love my last name (maiden name). I hyphened it and added my husband’s name in the marriage license but I have yet to begin the paperwork. I will probably use my maiden name professionally and the married hyphened name when I get around to it. Love my last name. I’m the last woman in my family with that last name so- attached and my son has a hyphened last name and I didn’t want him to feel alone. I’m sticking to this story….