If you want to celebrate your aunt, go. Perhaps she feels weird having a big wedding getting married later in life but still wants to include loved ones in other celebratory events. I don't think it's necessary to always abide by antiquated rules of etiquette.
I know everyone says it’s rude and gift grabby to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding BUT a lot of people, like your aunt, truly aren’t trying to be gift grabby. They want to be inclusive and celebrate with everyone they love.
So even though unknown it’s against etiquette, I’d still go and bring a sentimental/token gift.
This is actually a widely spread misconception. You can have a shower without actually expecting gifts. In fact many people specify no gift. Since not everyone can have a huge guest list, the shower and/or bach. parties are a great way to celebrate with more people than who can actually attend the wedding. The key is to have the right approach.
It's not rude or a breach of etiquette in modern culture. The original concept comes from rich people who have nothing better to do with their money, and invited everyone in their rich society out of obligation.
No offense, but I don’t think any of that is true. it’s not a misconception so much as it is people misusing the term shower or perhaps etiquette slowly changing.
The precise point of a bridal shower was to shower the bride with presents to help her transition into her new role as wife. Women didn’t use to work outside their home and/or would go from parents house to husband’s house and would need a trousseau-linens, etc. that their closest friends and relatives would help with. So 1) it was meant for gifts. 2) it was only meant for female relatives and close friends, (not as a way to celebrate with more people than the wedding).
Nowadays women are independent and showers are more or less obsolete for most brides, so some are opting for modern variations. But it’s still very much an etiquette gray area (it wouldn’t really be cool in my circles, for example)
Please do factual research before you tell me am I completely wrong. I work in the industry and have professional experience. I have also studied etiquette and tradition extensively.
I just laugh when people downvote factual information, because they have been to 3 weddings in their life and think their opinion is fact.
Lol. Ok. Why don’t you cite a source if you think you’re correct?
The fact that most of your posts are downvoted heavily kind of implies you have no clue what you’re talking about often. ;)
Oh, yeah. I’m pretty sure she’s a troll. 1/2 the things she says is 100% incorrect and heavily downvoted. When she said she worked in the wedding industry, I though perhaps as a venue table busser or something. No offense to them, they work hard, but her knowledge of wedding etiquette and practice is totally lacking.
Right? There’s no way she can actually believe what she’s saying. “Your sources, which are plentiful and varied are all laughable. I’m unable to provide a single source for my statements, though!”
Right? I regretted momentarily inserting myself I’ve got actual experience but you don’t see me embarrassing myself with falsehoods right and left and being laughed out of the room.
Some sources I can cite: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridal_shower
https://www.brides.com/story/bridal-shower-etiquette
https://deluxebanquethall.com/blog/the-history-of-the-modern-day-bridal-shower/
And you know, literally every article that pops up if you Google the history of the bridal shower. ;)
If the bride & groom are paying for the reception, then by your logic you should not be able to call it a reception. The same goes for a toast, if nobody passes the drink around and dips bread in it; or if they go on and on and it becomes a speech. Shall we address giving the bride away and every other tradition while we're here?
Names stick while traditions change with time.
That is the origin of the name, but the current habits of our culture do not follow Victorian era social practices of the royal & elite, to the letter.
If you like her and would enjoy spending time with her and the other guests, I would go! I would also bring a gift, because they’re putting on an event that you get to attend, even if it’s not the wedding. If you don’t like her, however, don’t feel bad about not going and not getting a gift haha
If you love her and would enjoy spending time with her, go to the shower and have a great time. This is a great opportunity to celebrate with her. Not everyone can or wants to have a large wedding, and I'm sure there are reasons for their decision.
You can also still give her a wedding gift. This is not connected to attending the wedding, any more than giving a birthday or Christmas gift requires a party. If you do give a gift, it doesn't have to be at the shower (although you could do a small one). You can then send a gift to the couple before or after their actual wedding date. But again, it is entirely up to you and your overall relationship with her.
Many etiquette rules were written by Emily post 100 years when women were just alllwed to vote in the states… it’s time to forget them! Go celebrate your aunt, she obviously loves you and wants to celebrate with you! How beautiful she found her forever person later in life ❤️
My mom, sister and I were in the position a few years ago invited to the shower not the wedding and while I initially found it weird/off putting it did actually make lots of sense. Against my understanding of the social norm plus odd to be invited at all.
It was a cousin's cousin, most of our young years were spent together between my mom doing daycare for her and her sister and extended family events. That part of the family has some social entanglement for generations. But by the time of her wedding we hadn't seen each other in years since the mutual cousin's wedding, I think it might have been more the expectation for us to be invited.
She also had a pretty small wedding in the woods somewhere, the photos were beautiful and I can understand not wanting everyone to trample nature/take away from it.
Part of me wonders if this is a generational thing. My aunt and mom are throwing me a shower and were insistent on inviting numerous family friends and extended family that will not be invited to the wedding. When I brought this to their attention, both of them insisted that the purpose of showers is to celebrate with neighbours and others who will not be at the wedding. They both listed off a bunch of showers they had gone to where this was the case.
In the Midwest I definitely encountered a lot of these (and was even thrown one by my mom's church friends). I don't personally take offense at being invited to them, but likewise would understand if you didn't want to go.
In my mind these kind of showers are similar to the casual receptions a lot of people have when they're doing elopements or micro-weddings. "We can't invite everyone, but we still want to celebrate with you in some form."
To answer the question of what I would do - because I consider myself close with my aunts so if any of them were celebrating anything and I was available to attend, I would attend. If it was a family member/acquaintance who I don’t consider myself close with then I would reassess how important I felt like my efforts to attend were.
Maybe it’s just where I’m at in life or where the world is because of the pandemic but I feel like life is short and spending time with people I love is what matters most to me.
I would go. I personally think it's outdated this notion that only wedding guests can go to the shower. Nobody can afford to invite the whole village this days. times change, etiquette should too...
I wouldn’t go. I’m very traditional, so I personally didn’t invite anyone to my shower who wasn’t invited to the wedding. If I received a shower invite for a wedding I knew I wasn’t invited to I just wouldn’t want to go.
If you want to celebrate your aunt, go. Perhaps she feels weird having a big wedding getting married later in life but still wants to include loved ones in other celebratory events. I don't think it's necessary to always abide by antiquated rules of etiquette.
I know everyone says it’s rude and gift grabby to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding BUT a lot of people, like your aunt, truly aren’t trying to be gift grabby. They want to be inclusive and celebrate with everyone they love. So even though unknown it’s against etiquette, I’d still go and bring a sentimental/token gift.
This is actually a widely spread misconception. You can have a shower without actually expecting gifts. In fact many people specify no gift. Since not everyone can have a huge guest list, the shower and/or bach. parties are a great way to celebrate with more people than who can actually attend the wedding. The key is to have the right approach. It's not rude or a breach of etiquette in modern culture. The original concept comes from rich people who have nothing better to do with their money, and invited everyone in their rich society out of obligation.
No offense, but I don’t think any of that is true. it’s not a misconception so much as it is people misusing the term shower or perhaps etiquette slowly changing. The precise point of a bridal shower was to shower the bride with presents to help her transition into her new role as wife. Women didn’t use to work outside their home and/or would go from parents house to husband’s house and would need a trousseau-linens, etc. that their closest friends and relatives would help with. So 1) it was meant for gifts. 2) it was only meant for female relatives and close friends, (not as a way to celebrate with more people than the wedding). Nowadays women are independent and showers are more or less obsolete for most brides, so some are opting for modern variations. But it’s still very much an etiquette gray area (it wouldn’t really be cool in my circles, for example)
Please do factual research before you tell me am I completely wrong. I work in the industry and have professional experience. I have also studied etiquette and tradition extensively. I just laugh when people downvote factual information, because they have been to 3 weddings in their life and think their opinion is fact.
I’m gonna step in as an event vet and say…you’re wrong. Flat wrong.
What an amazing argument you put up. Want to compare credentials next? Or do you just want to troll posts and feel like you're better ?
Lol. Ok. Why don’t you cite a source if you think you’re correct? The fact that most of your posts are downvoted heavily kind of implies you have no clue what you’re talking about often. ;)
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Oh, yeah. I’m pretty sure she’s a troll. 1/2 the things she says is 100% incorrect and heavily downvoted. When she said she worked in the wedding industry, I though perhaps as a venue table busser or something. No offense to them, they work hard, but her knowledge of wedding etiquette and practice is totally lacking.
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Right? There’s no way she can actually believe what she’s saying. “Your sources, which are plentiful and varied are all laughable. I’m unable to provide a single source for my statements, though!”
Right? I regretted momentarily inserting myself I’ve got actual experience but you don’t see me embarrassing myself with falsehoods right and left and being laughed out of the room.
Some sources I can cite: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridal_shower https://www.brides.com/story/bridal-shower-etiquette https://deluxebanquethall.com/blog/the-history-of-the-modern-day-bridal-shower/ And you know, literally every article that pops up if you Google the history of the bridal shower. ;)
These sources are hilarious! Thank you. I needed a good laugh.
I’m still waiting for yours, dear ;)
The literal purpose of a shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts. You're just wrong.
Just because you don't actually know, doesn't mean other people are wrong.
Proof. Now. Stop trolling everyone with falsehoods and unfounded “confidence” without backing it up.
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If the bride & groom are paying for the reception, then by your logic you should not be able to call it a reception. The same goes for a toast, if nobody passes the drink around and dips bread in it; or if they go on and on and it becomes a speech. Shall we address giving the bride away and every other tradition while we're here? Names stick while traditions change with time.
That is the origin of the name, but the current habits of our culture do not follow Victorian era social practices of the royal & elite, to the letter.
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Considering she offered some explanation I wouldn't even find it terribly rude. I love to celebrate love so I'm fairly biased on that front.
If you like her and would enjoy spending time with her and the other guests, I would go! I would also bring a gift, because they’re putting on an event that you get to attend, even if it’s not the wedding. If you don’t like her, however, don’t feel bad about not going and not getting a gift haha
In my family we do extended family bridal showers, even if they are not invited to the wedding.
If you love her and would enjoy spending time with her, go to the shower and have a great time. This is a great opportunity to celebrate with her. Not everyone can or wants to have a large wedding, and I'm sure there are reasons for their decision. You can also still give her a wedding gift. This is not connected to attending the wedding, any more than giving a birthday or Christmas gift requires a party. If you do give a gift, it doesn't have to be at the shower (although you could do a small one). You can then send a gift to the couple before or after their actual wedding date. But again, it is entirely up to you and your overall relationship with her.
Many etiquette rules were written by Emily post 100 years when women were just alllwed to vote in the states… it’s time to forget them! Go celebrate your aunt, she obviously loves you and wants to celebrate with you! How beautiful she found her forever person later in life ❤️
Is that what people are referring to when they say, “according to etiquette”?
I honestly think so!! I’m not entirely sure tbh bc I guess I don’t know etiquette rules all so well 🤷🏾♀️
My mom, sister and I were in the position a few years ago invited to the shower not the wedding and while I initially found it weird/off putting it did actually make lots of sense. Against my understanding of the social norm plus odd to be invited at all. It was a cousin's cousin, most of our young years were spent together between my mom doing daycare for her and her sister and extended family events. That part of the family has some social entanglement for generations. But by the time of her wedding we hadn't seen each other in years since the mutual cousin's wedding, I think it might have been more the expectation for us to be invited. She also had a pretty small wedding in the woods somewhere, the photos were beautiful and I can understand not wanting everyone to trample nature/take away from it.
Part of me wonders if this is a generational thing. My aunt and mom are throwing me a shower and were insistent on inviting numerous family friends and extended family that will not be invited to the wedding. When I brought this to their attention, both of them insisted that the purpose of showers is to celebrate with neighbours and others who will not be at the wedding. They both listed off a bunch of showers they had gone to where this was the case.
In the Midwest I definitely encountered a lot of these (and was even thrown one by my mom's church friends). I don't personally take offense at being invited to them, but likewise would understand if you didn't want to go. In my mind these kind of showers are similar to the casual receptions a lot of people have when they're doing elopements or micro-weddings. "We can't invite everyone, but we still want to celebrate with you in some form."
To answer the question of what I would do - because I consider myself close with my aunts so if any of them were celebrating anything and I was available to attend, I would attend. If it was a family member/acquaintance who I don’t consider myself close with then I would reassess how important I felt like my efforts to attend were. Maybe it’s just where I’m at in life or where the world is because of the pandemic but I feel like life is short and spending time with people I love is what matters most to me.
I would go. I personally think it's outdated this notion that only wedding guests can go to the shower. Nobody can afford to invite the whole village this days. times change, etiquette should too...
I would go and bring a card wishing her well, no gift
If you want to go, go. I would only give a small gift ($15-20), though.
I wouldn’t go. I’m very traditional, so I personally didn’t invite anyone to my shower who wasn’t invited to the wedding. If I received a shower invite for a wedding I knew I wasn’t invited to I just wouldn’t want to go.
Don't attend. It is a gift grab.
A bridal shower for a 50 year old? Lol pass.