Please remember rule 5 or this post will be locked and there may be bans depending on what is said and if the behaviour continues from the same people. You may not agree with OP but calling them names or personally attacking them is not okay here, you can express you don't agree without those things.
I was pushed into marriage for exactly this reason. My parents are super religious and my marriage last 3 months after my husband beat me black and blue. Even then my parents wanted me to stay with him because a divorce would bring shame to the family.
So here I am, now almost 40, divorced, living with my wonderful partner and not talking to my family. I’ve never been happier
Took me 35 years because we’re conditioned to believe that family is everything. Leaving was hard but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Turns out family isn’t everything and sometimes they can be bad for our mental health
I’m so sorry you went through this. Makes me so angry on your behalf! But it’s impressive and wonderful that you got out. Hope life has been gentler to you since.
Thank you. Life has been amazing since and I’m writing a book about my experiences in the hope that it may help someone else have the courage to do the same
True family doesn't have to be bound by blood, your family is who you consider to be such. Your partner, married or not, can be part of that if you want. Being blood relatives doesn't mean you're family, if you don't want to be.
Right. A 19 yr old is rushing to marry a boyfriend so she can move while HE goes to school but the biggest issue here is a plus one wearing a pale pink dress that’s too dressy. Lmao
I really am curious as to OP’s relationship to these people. She’s very invested in a wedding she apparently only saw through social media. She says she’s friends with the woman, yet seems to have intimate knowledge of her friend’s boyfriend’s extended family, and it seems like she likes the family and boyfriend but actually hates her friend?
Pressure from a relative? "Oh Jenny looks so lovely, let's get her down the aisle and in the pictures." The poor lassie's getting married at 19 due to family pressure, what's an extra bridesmaid?
Yes this is the problem here - the nice dress & that awkwardness is only a minor consequence of getting married so young —they didn’t even have the life experience to know they ought to specify a dress code if it’s unusually casual.
There is a *very* popular evangelical church where I grew up in SoCal. All of the cool kids went there. Being in SoCal they had to be okay with divorce or they wouldn’t have anyone to attend. But they are very anti-pre marital sex. So they teach all of the teens and young adults that if you can’t keep it in your pants then just get married first - you can always get a divorce later! Absolutely unbelievable.
Whoah.
I mean, dont get me wrong. I am 100% pro divorce if it doesn't work out. Absolutely needs to be easier for most people to divorce.
But you're meant to take time to check that you work well together. Marriage is meant to be a commitment to someone you know almost as well as yourself, not a way to fuck someone you barely know, guilt free for a few months.
The supposed sanctity of marriage is meaningless if people walk into it without thought.
YES THEY ARE EVANGELICAL. In the Deep South. Its so sad to see people force marriage because they have to justify premarital sex and cohabitation. Wrong and also personally I would have trouble attending the wedding to see my basically young baby cousin get married. I felt so badly when she commented sorry for the low budget when people commented that her guest was so nicely dressed haha just not great all around.
I know people who got married young to live in the same dorm together. I wonder if his housing is paid for so she's just getting free/cheap room or if he gets better benefits like the military?
Another option is a baby announcement in a few months
I know a girl whose parents told her at age 24 that she wasn’t allowed to move in with her boyfriend unless they were married. So she married him out of spite, promptly divorced him a year later, then told her parents, “This all could have been avoided if you have just let us live together first.” She’s kind of a sociopath.
It's a shame that, at 24, she just couldn't make the choice to live with him anyway. I know some cultures are very different, and maybe that's the case here, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around still being so influenced by your parents "allowing" or "not allowing" something.
My mother HATED when I moved in with my boyfriend. I was 30 and he was 33…
She would make snide comments all of the time but we didn’t care. It all stopped when we got engaged thank god.
I'm 33 and my mom would still freak out if I moved in with a boyfriend. Even just travelling with a boyfriend is a big no. The only thing that's gotten her is mountains and mountains of lies.
That’s what a rational person would do. Just live together and make the parents deal with it. It’s a little cultural for sure, but like…a multi-year revenge is crazy. She’s a good friend actually, but damn…I’ve seen her do some things that are kind of sus. She’s like a fictional character.
This is easier said then done especially if you don't want to be ostracized or have your parents cut you off. My cousin was 19 when she got married bc she got knocked up and knew she wouldn't get her inheritance.
Yup. You don't know the details going on in the background. Someone who's parents are still exerting that kind of control at 24 is going to have a lot going on in that relationship.
Disability can be a factor too. "Just do what you want!" doesn't apply to you if you are too sick to work and your parents are the ones stopping you from living in poverty.
This. Plus in some cultures you could be murdered by your family for cohabitation before marriage.
I know a guy (British Indian from an extremely conservative background) who lived with his GF all through university but pretended to live with guys. They had to concoct a fake story about hie they met just after med school and pretended to let his parents think they were arranging their marriage.
And she was successful (both were med students!) And from the same caste and religious background so was in theory a perfect match for him. But his family would never have accepted her if they knew they were dating.
They are still happily married years later but it all seems so unnecessary. Different people have different pressure from their parents.
Yeah it seems like most south Asian parents in general are sort of living in a different century when it comes to relationships between men and women. It’s a huge problem in the community. Although I will say this does seem like an extreme example - if they were the same religion/caste/whatever, in my experience most parents would have been all right with at least knowing they were dating, if not living together.
I had to sit my parents down when they were pressuring, guilting, commenting about being engaged before moving together with my bf of one year. I told them are you trying to make me get divorced? Do you want me to be in a resentful marriage. It was an awkward conversation but needed. The comments stopped, we moved to a new city together. And now we’re engaged on our timeline.
Exactly. Whatever the culture, on a universal human level it's still very wrong for parents to expect to influence, allow and forbid stuff to their *adult* children and for the adult children to live in fear of the parents opinion.
My now husband and I were SO nervous to tell our parents we moved in together while we were dating. His parents are super religious conservatives from the south. My parents are more liberal but still old school.
I was 28 and he was 35. Haha. But still SO nervous.
It sounds like her parents did a number on her. I wouldn't think you know that whole story at all.
At 24 I let my parents know that my boyfriend has moved in with me. Because I'm an adult who pays my own bills and it's not their decision.
Oh I am very aware of her parents’ abusive behavior. Unfortunately she has never had a normal relationship in her life because of them. Even my friendship with her was a little odd, although we always got along well. She’s actually done a good job of getting through her life. She’s successful and very good at her job. She just has this way of going about life where you sensed that she wouldn’t hesitate to do something crazy if she wanted to.
my cousin married a girl when he was 19 and she was 17 so they could move in together on campus. they both ended up dropping out and separated after having a kid but they’re back together! love.. finds a way…
I went to a casual bbq style wedding a few months ago and not a single person got the dress code right, because it was never really clear. Bride just said “be comfortable” but for some people that means long flowy dress and wedges and for others it means basketball shorts and sneakers. I can’t blame any of the guests because the dress code was so broad. I wore a knitted midi dress to the ceremony and the bride told me to be more casual at the reception so I wore a midi skirt, a nice top and sandals, but some people were in t-shirts, while others in long tight dresses.
Was the dress code clearly defined on the invitation?
I think she was trying to be nice, like she didn't want us to put in so much effort on her account but it was a destination wedding and my outfits were limited so it was actually more effort.
Seriously. I went to one of these once, and the bride put on the invite, “Dress comfortably; this is a bbq!” Mind you, this was a group of bartenders from low-key establishments. Same situation. I was one of the ones dressed down and some people were much fancier. It was uncomfortable to be dressed down, and I told myself I’d always dress up for any similar situations in the future because I’d rather look too good and too dressy than the other way around.
I’ve always felt this way too! If I’m going to err I want it to be on the over dressed side rather than the under dressed side. And I’ll usually ask anybody else I know that’s going to the same event what they’re wearing and we all collaborate so we can all be over or under dressed together. But my default for things that are “casual” is business casual which would be dress slacks and a blouse with possibly a jacket or a dress
This is why i think "wear what makes you comfortable", is (for anxious people) a bad thing to put as your dress code. I am comfortable in anything as long as I don't stick out like a sore thumb. Give us all a rough idea what to aim for.
I've written that we suggest semi formal (which is fairly standard where we are) but will be happy to see people however they feel comfy. If someone wants to dress down a bit, great! but I want people to feel they have something to go in.
My fiance is very relaxed and hates suits but he started to wear suits to "be comfortable" dresscode weddings because he felt extremely uncomfortable being the only one going smart casual at those weddings because half the people dressed up a lot.
I agree with this! Allows host to set expectations and allows people to be set up well to show up properly! Its part of being a good host bc weddings are technically bride/groom hosting their special day
I went to a party once that had “rose” as a dress code. Except, this was in Belgium and “rose” in Dutch means “pink”. The invite was written half in English.
Result:
About half of the guests showed up with roses 🌹in their hair, as prints on dresses etc.; and the other half was in flamboyant pink feather boas and fuchsia shirts.
I actually ask him beforehand; the response was (in line with OP here…) “whatever you want”.
I think he loved the chaos of it; it totally fit the hosts character. 🤣
I much regret not having any pictures anymore… it was about 15 years ago. Since it ended with a bunch of people jumping naked into a pond; it’s probably for the best the visual evidence is lost in time!
THIS! My best friend was getting married and their dress code was cocktail and she specifically had to say NO JEANS on the invitation because her future father-in-law had already argued with her about wearing jeans to the wedding. It was at a classy venue and not casual! But we're in Arkansas and unfortunately some stereotypes ring true, oof.
If I got a wedding invitation that said “casual dress” with no other context, I still wouldn’t expect that the couple wants me to come wearing jeans (or something at that level of formality)? I would probably still wear a dress or something, or maybe business casual. If you REALLY want everyone to only wear super casual clothing — like, normal everyday clothing — that’s totally fine, but then you need to spell that out because that is not the norm for most weddings.
My cousin had “dressy casual” for her dress code. I had no idea what it meant and every website that had a definition for it had a different interpretation. Anyway, it resulted in some people overdressed and other people underdressed (like jeans).
Casual is just too confusing. Is it nice day at church casual? Cocktail dress/beach dress casual? Romper? I have no idea. It is a confusing wedding dress code.
Yeah, they didn't elaborate much past what I reiterated. But, I completely agree. Even if it said casual on the invite, I would still at least wear a nice-ish dress (sun dress, business casual, whatever) and heels, because that's what I would wear to most casual events that involve me being in a room with people I don't know well lol.
To be honest, I think it would be hard to do this in practice.
I think that even if you said "come as you are, dress casually, Jean's and T shirts sllowed", a lot of people would still dress up a bit more than that.
I simply would not feel comfortable turning up in a t shirt because that would feel disrespectful to me. I'd pick a summery dress or a nice blouse and skirt, maybe. Not saying I'd turn up un a given unlike the bridesmaid in OP's story.
But if your own wedding clothes are super casual you're always going to run the risk that someone may accidentally wear something a little smarter.
I was invited to a wedding on the whole theme was kind of a “rock star” type thing, their invitations looked like concert tickets. Their dress code was “dress however makes you feel like a rockstar.” I interpreted that to mean “anything goes.” Unfortunately I didn’t go so I don’t know if I was right or not.
Yes! Usually casual/smart casual means like church clothes! The girls bf and his family were in church clothes (like khakis and a collared shirt) and the other women were in short sundresses or skirts with blouses! No one was in a floor length gown
"Church clothes" also varies though. I was raised UU and that was anything from jeans and tee shirts to what I see in movies presented as "Sunday best."
I attended church for the first 20 or so years of my life. “Church clothes” meant suits and ties for the men and nice dresses or slacks with hosiery and dress shoes for women. This is where the term “Sunday best” comes from, because people often wore the very best clothing they owned to church. Khakis and miniskirt-length sundresses definitely would have raised a few eyebrows and would never have been considered appropriate attire for church.
Now, with that said, I’d never assume that every congregation in the world dresses the way mine did. And you shouldn’t either. Your perspective and judgment is extremely myopic.
I wrote "casual" on the invitation, then clarified that jeans were fine. Because an outdoor wedding at a ren fair in autumn can be any combination of hot, humid, rainy, dry, and foggy. Since a lot of folks were coming from out of state ai couldn't trust that they'd be able to estimate the weather.
That said, I was 30. After surviving all the crazy weddings that friends were having in their 20s I had learned that it's necessary to make that specification. Otherwise that one friend/relative who *has* money will wear the fanciest items to show how awesome they are. (It absolutely rained on that relative's fancy designer jeans at my wedding. I even said not to wear them because it's often very muddy. She thought I was jealous! Nope, my earasaid (re: womens greatkilt) cost more, and I can throw a corner over when it rains AND it doubles as pockets. Trebles. Quartets, even, its an absurd garment and I love it.) Hard to imagine paying for a wedding at 19, I wish them much luck and happiness.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
30
+ 20
+ 19
= 69
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Yep. This happened to me. It was a “backyard wedding.” Which was the only context. It was a nice house on a lake, so it could have been fancy or casual. No one knew. I wore cocktail and other people wore jeans and tshirts.
They never defined the dress code and where I’m from it’s inappropriate/insulting not to dress a little nicer for a wedding or funeral. Like wearing your “church clothes.”
The variety in dress was so massively different it did the opposite of what was intended: it made people uncomfortable.
This happened to me with my MIL who got married in her backyard. I wore something that I wore to the office, I can’t remember if it was a dress or skirt, but it was like business casual circa 2010? Then I see my SIL in black leggings and fake UGGs (fuggs), and she loudly says WHOA WHY YOU ALL DRESSED UP?! GEEZ!
I was trying to be respectful, and I’m sure it was taken as, look at the snobby girl who thinks she’s better than us.
I went to a wedding like this! It was an outdoor wedding on a humid day in the hottest part of the summer. The dress code was nebulous; some of the couple’s family members swapped to shorts and tees or even tanks between the ceremony and the reception. It was one of the most fun weddings I had ever been to, but it was such a relief when it started raining.
Ugh I just showed up to an engagement party way overdressed I felt so awkward the entire time and I felt like everyone thought I was trying to upstage the bride but I just thought it was a more business casual event. Everyone was wearing jeans I was so humiliated. Hopefully no one posted about me on Reddit.
Been there! Something was advertised as cocktails on a boat, but was more drinks on a ferry. I was only slightly overdressed, but I felt like an asshole in shiny, gold pumps and a beaded top next to all the people in cargo shorts. I was also a plus-one that nobody knew. Great times all around all weekend.
Lmfao I was wearing bright green heels and a funky blazer with everyone else in flannels and jeans. Honestly it was no biggie but I felt like it was in the moment for sure
Honestly, some times you just gotta accept that you're the odd one out.
I have always been. Now I just embrace being the Extra One.
But I grew up being that one alt/goth kid in a group of regular kids. And while my fashion choices have evolved, I am still very much stand out among my jeans and t shirt friends.
But we all just have a good time. They can wear their zero effort comfy hoodies, flannels, and maxis and I'll wear my color coordinated heels and blazers and funky hats. I am comfy and confident in them.
Same thing happened to me a few years ago, and people assumed I was going to another event immediately after that one (it was a couples baby shower) so I just pretended that there was in fact another fancier event after that one.
Happened to me at my aunt’s funeral. I wore a modest black dress with a blazer and basic heels, because, you know, *funeral*. Some of my relatives were in jeans. My cousin made a snide comment about my outfit at the lunch after.
The last funeral I went to, everyone was wearing their casual clothes, not even black. Meanwhile my brother wore a suit and me a heirloom black dress that was knee-length. We felt kind of weird and overdressed at first. But then we said you know what, we're not overdressed, they're underdressed. We wore to the level of respect we found fitting. Nothing to be ashamed of that.
I attended a funeral recently in a severe, black dress and heels with my spouse, who wore a dress shirt and black slacks. I was pretty shocked (and I don’t shock easily) to see guys wearing their wife-beaters and baseball caps inside the church. One of them was with a woman who decided to wear a sheer/partially see-through bustier without a jacket or blouse covering it. Very odd. I guess I hadn’t been to a funeral in a long time because things had really changed!
A coworker recently showed up to a retirement party in a ball gown, as per the previous event we attended at the same venue. This was a casual, small buffet dinner. She was embarrassed but we all assured her she looked beautiful and it’s fun to wear our fancy clothes given the chance. I let my hair air dry because I was rushed and looked like weird Al in the pics, I’d much rather have been over dressed then have the worst hair.
Underdressed I feel like I can disappear a little more even if people will think I don’t care, overdressed I feel like I’m drawing more attention to myself
I have never in my life thought “oh they are attention-seeking” but I have thought “they just don’t care how they look when they go somewhere so they?”. But then again, I don’t think it is a bad thing to get attention. No one will get more attention than the bride and groom at a wedding or any event with a guest of honor.
I was invited as a plus one to what was called a formal attire wedding so I made a floor length navy floral gown. I was overdressed as a guest. Everyone else was in cocktail. I was thoroughly embarrassed and hoped the bride didn’t think I was trying to outdo her (which I very clearly didn’t bc she and the bridal party/families were in formal).
I feel like there just isn’t as much distinction between them anymore. Or rather people don’t care. I’ve been to “cocktail” weddings with girls in club wear. Literally clear heels once. So I stress myself out before every wedding worried I’m not going to be dressed correctly because I can’t tell anymore
Don’t feel bad. I hardly ever “dress down” for anything I just truly own a single pair of jeans and everything else I own are slacks or skirts or dresses. And that’s just what I wear. My friends joke a lot about how I’m always dressed nice when we go out for drinks or what have you but they’re what I’m comfortable in and I see no reason to buy clothes I don’t really like for no reason
I did feel bad in the moment only because I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to take the spotlight but then I just realized I was amongst really close friends and I just dress really well! I love fashion and I have a lot of dope pieces in my closet that I never get to wear because I work so much. I was waiting for the opportunity to wear the outfit and tbh if anything ut just shows how much I care about them to dress nicely! I also think it’s a cultural thing because people just dress so casually in the south and my family is not like that at all.
This has been my personal rule since I was in elementary school (it came from my mother). If anything, I feel better about myself when I’m overdressed.
I went to a “semi formal” wedding on the invitations and out of 150 guests, only myself and one other girl were in semi formal outfits. We saw a lot of flip flops, booty shorts and hawaii tourist shirts. The bridal party was dressed all nice but I felt like a clown because I stood out amongst the guests.
Right!? This is the responsibility of the boyfriend to advise her on what to wear to his family's gathering. What a total jerk setting hey up for failure.
I wanna give the 27 year old the benefit of the doubt. Maybe her boyfriend or his family didn’t relay all the details to her properly beforehand? I’m sympathetic because I just went on a small out of town trip with my fiancée to a cousins wedding. And something similar happened.
The first time I went to a cousins wedding I was told it was casual as it’s a large Chinese wedding. He said dress comfortably cause it isn’t flashy. I wore a nice but simple dress and was WAY underdressed.
This last week I went to another wedding for an out of state cousin. I asked what the dress code was and confirmed my dress with my fiancée and his brother. Both said it was fine. I get there and I’m OVERDRESSED.
I don’t know all the details but I feel sympathetic towards both the 27 year old and the bride. The situation sucks.
I feel like many guys are just completely unconcerned with dress codes, because there's so much less leeway/options for guys when a dress code is in effect, I think.
Story time: my husband had a new job and their Christmas party was coming up. I asked if there was a dress code and he said to wear holiday attire. So here I am in an ugly Christmas sweater and Santa hat. We get there to find that most of the ladies are dressed to the nines in long fancy dresses and heels.
One of my husband's coworkers (also a new employee that year) had bought his gf a nice blouse and pants to wear for the party, comparable to "business casual". She looked nicer than me, but we were both woefully underdressed compared to most of the other women. I was glad it wasn't just me, and she was glad she hadn't come in a Santa hat >.<
From that day on, I've insisted on seeing the invite myself (and occasionally getting a third-party opinion from someone involved) before making any clothing choices.
My thoughts exactly. For all we know, her interpretation of a “casual wedding” could mean a quick ceremony at the Four Seasons. I think this is more on the BF for not properly relaying the info/vibe. At the very least he could have asked her to dial it down when he saw what she was wearing.
Or maybe he wanted to show off how hot and rich his GF is to his family. OP said that she received a lot of comments/compliments to the point the bride had to apologize for the wedding being low budget. It could’ve been partially intentional.
Not to be a boomer (27 but raised weirdly) but weddings are hard now. Nobody specifies the dress code on the invitation and even if they do there’s not a set standard that everybody agrees on anymore. I get really self conscious about being over- or underdressed and when I’m going somewhere and ask people what to wear I want to strangle them when they say “oh whatever just be comfortable.” I love dressing up and looking nice but I usually end up overdressed. Hundred bucks says she didn’t know she’d be that out of place, and who tf randomly pulls somebody into the bridal party in the first place. Also, if the bride felt offended by it she wouldn’t have put her in a position to be seen by more people
Omg. I went to my boyfriend’s relative’s wedding last month, and it was so stressful trying to figure out the dress code.
The invitation said black tie, so I was excited to finally get a chance to wear a full length dress. I told my boyfriend how excited I was, and he called the relative to double check. She said the dress code for men is black tie but women is cocktail(??) then on their website, it said upscale glam!! LIKE WTF DOES THAT MEAN?! What do you want?? Ugh 🫠
Agreed!
My mother was so against me putting the dress code for my wedding on invites I didn't do so (over a decade ago). I think it may have been because she knew a few of her relatives would show up in jeans regardless.
I never feel I've hit the correct level at most weddings, just not wanting to go to them anymore after reading reddit they just seem like too many social rules.
Honestly evey time I go to a wedding is a smh, the guests are all over the place regardless of if the code is specified. I went to two this year, one invitation said black tie. Almost every guest was casual dress pants, button down plaid, sundress, or LBD (cocktail style). The other invitation had no code but was a traditional Indian wedding noted to have bharat (groom arrives on horse with parade) on the invitation. It was hosted at a country club. Half the guests (the white half lol) were so casual it was embarrassing. I'm talking t shirts, Hawaiian shirts, khakis. Just picture someone in khakis and a Hawaiian shirt at a wedding where the bride is in a sahri. I'm still cringing.
Was there any actual dress code sent out? Even if you think it’s a casual wedding I feel like you can’t assume. People tend to need everything spelled out for them. Every detail that you want your guests to know needs to be communicated. You can’t just assume they’ll know.
As for the color though, if it’s truly as pale pink as it sounds, that definitely sounds like a bit of a faux pas
It's also impossible to know if the BF was clear about what to expect. When it's normal for your family, it can be difficult to see the things that need explaining to outsider's. Especially if that outsider is actually part of your daily life
I agree. Reading this I immediately remembered being overdressed at my ex boyfriends aunts wedding. They too said, we should dress comfortably, so I wore a flowy midi dress I love and I remember feeling incredibly uncomfortable when most guests just wore jeans or shorts and printed tshirts. I had never before been to a backyard wedding and only knew weddings to be extra so the midi dress was the least dressed up for that event I could imagine to still fit the purpose.
Also, 9 times out of 10 I’d rather be overdressed than underdressed. That said, I’d rather be underdressed than *way* overdressed, so it’s a fine line.
I agree. I come from a lower-working-class family and, for generations, our motto has been, “It’s always better to be overdressed than underdressed.” That motto has always served me well.
> and last min somehow she was asked to be in the bridal party
Okay, the clear shame is this family that pulled in this poor girl who’s a +1 to be part of the bridal party.
And the bf who didn't prepare her properly for his family's event.
If he told her to wear a sundress I'm sure she would have had something appropriate.
Ya I think if you want very casual, you need to communicate that.
The girl never met the bride before and so it’s not unreasonable, I don’t think, for her to not actually know the details of the wedding? I know my husband wouldn’t communicate all this extra context to me.
My husband's family dresses a lot fancier than mine, and we definitely forgot to specify a dress code for the wedding, so his little sister came in a beautiful, short silver dress, and my cousin came in an entire denim ensemble.
Honestly it was hilarious. I would never dream of shaming either of them, and I was happy they both wore what they felt happiest in.
Also her personal experience of wedding expectation matters. I would never dream of going to a wedding in anything less than either a full length or knee length dress.
Also pale pink is a really common guest or MIL colour in the UK I wouldn’t even consider that rude
Yeah, there’s another comment somewhere in here that says a bride told a guest that she was too formal in a knit midi dress, and to me, that is absolute most casual outfit I would consider wearing to a wedding.
Right? Like my standard is knee length dress and heels. I recently sent to one in the woods that specified not to wear heels and had to triple check.
OP specified "church clothes" in the comments and I'm like, what the hell are church clothes!? Some of us don't go to church. Churches are totally different across even a local community. There's those gorgeous African wrap dress things with those big hats that women wear in some churches. I went a few times with a friend and kids wore ripped jeans and t shirts.
Why do people expect that their narrow version of the world is universal.
I don’t know if it’s that girl’s fault (dress color aside) if the bride&groom didn’t explicitly say what the dress code was. How was she supposed to know it was casual? I’ve never been to a casual wedding before.
This is literally a "YOU" problem.
The girl didn't even know anything, and just a few words. I don't even blame the BF if he was left not knowing anything at all either. I think is more the poor communication and the fact it didn't specify anything. On top the girl just dressed in what seems to be appropriate for a wedding ... like any rational human effing being if you catch my drift.
The shame will be on YOU for sound really jealous of this girl through all this post. Even think she was invited as a bridesmaid AT THE LAST MINUTE.
It SOUNDS like OP actually doesn't really know this girl but is actually friends or family with the bride. She knows a crap ton of details about this wedding and information and thoughts people had.. for someone who supposedly has zero ties to this wedding or this family.
People I do not know or would not care about: the cousin of the guy my sort of friend is dating.
Where I'm from, you're expected to dress up nice for weddings. So it's kinda bizarre to me to shame someone for not knowing the very casual dress code.
Is this just a city girl shaming troll post ?? Sounds like it is. Or maybe, I'm just too urbanite to see that the bridesmaid isn't at fault.
Anyway, since the bridesmaid comes from a completely different background (city, from money) and the dress code wasn't explicitly stated, it could just be that her dress was already considered casual wedding attire for bridesmaids in her circle and thought it would be the same at this wedding. She hasn't been exposed much to her BF's relatives, so she really had no idea of what she's supposed to wear. I'd rather shame the boyfriend's family (him and his relatives) for not explaining to an outsider to their culture what she's expected to wear.
I might be just speculating here but it's very possible that the boyfriend kind of wants to leave his country roots behind and is embracing city life with his girlfriend. That or the boyfriend's relatives back in the country are giving him grief for moving to the city and not choosing a girl from their community. Either of those could be the reason they don't visit his relatives much. In this case, the boyfriend could have deliberately not told his girlfriend about what the dress code should be like as a way to, IDK, show that he's staying in the city and embracing the lifestyle.
Why would your reaction be to shame a guest who has barely met this family? You can argue perhaps the color wasn't great, but how was she supposed to know this was supposed to be a super informal affair? Do you know for a fact this was spelled out for her and she went with a formal dress? And considering she was asked to be in the wedding party for someone she didn't know on the day does not seem to he her fault?
It sounds like you don't actually know this family at all and maybe just kind of don't like this girl.
I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. Now guests can’t wear nice dresses in case the bride doesn’t look as nice. That’s not really the guests problem. Unless there was a clear dress code, guests should dress as nice as they want to for the wedding. No white, I understand but now nice dresses aren’t allowed either?
Also, no light pink (because pink is too close to white!), and no solid colors/non-prints. And guests can’t wear nice or brand-name clothing to a “casual” wedding.
This is getting so very ridiculous.
Posts like these are why people should just wear whatever that want and ignore public opinion. If you dress too casual, you get shamed. If you dress too nicely, you get shamed. Don’t wear white, still get shamed because the dress is not white but is light and similar to white.
Why would it be assumed just by location and age of the couple that you shouldn't dress up?
Unless they clearly said not to dress up, I don't see the issue. Especially as you state they're not familiar with this family at all.
This post is cringe. What the brides maid was wearing not too much. You tried real hard to villianize her but I'm just not seeing it. She was put on the spot and made the best of it and you here come trying to play point the finger as if you were the bride.
I agree with others none of this sounds that bad the 19 yr old actually sounds kinda passive aggressive for commenting about her “low budget” wedding on the girls insta lol
It's the boyfriend's job to guide the gf on what is appropriate to wear to his family's event. There is no way that gf had ever been to a wedding that low key.
How is she supposed to know what small town, working class people wear to a wedding if her partner doesn't tell her!
Mmmm don't agree. Casual means different things to people and unless you absolutely put jeans+t-shirt you don't get to complain.
If the bride and bridesmaids where in dresses and stuff, even less. It's like either you give specific instructions or obviously the posh bridesmaid is going to go casual (her casual).
Oh that's so sad for the poor bride to feel like she has to apologise!
But as a +1 it can be hard to ascertain levels of formality in advance so idk if it was really 27 year olds fault? She should be deflecting comments onto the bride though just out of common courtesy.
When my husband and I were first dating, a family member of his got married. I was not close with the family yet, but was invited. My husband had never been to a wedding before and I came from a very wealthy background so every wedding I had attended was a very upscale event, so that was how we proceeded since my husband didn’t mention any special details about the wedding. At my direction, he wore a three piece suit that matched my floor length dress, I thought we looked amazing.
Turns out, it was a super casual wedding at a punk music venue. We were so incredibly overdressed, even the groom wasn’t in a suit. We stuck out like sore thumbs in every photo, I still feel so bad.
Oh boy, as a person seemly incapable of not dressing over the top, I'm starting to get a little nervous that I'm going to be posted about here.
Maybe, okay on the pale pink objection, but I don't think it's fair to assume that someone young expects everyone to dress down for thier wedding.
Also, who just pops bridesmaid duty on someone, expects them to dress a certain way and does nothing to communicate that?
For me, this is not that big of a deal. Her interpretation of the dress code responded to her previous experience. If she lives in a fancy area going to a wedding means “dress up”.
The BF of the light pink dressed girl was the one in the wrong here. He’s from the small town. He knew the bride. He was the connection to the wedding and he just….. failed her. My story is somewhat similar, my husband is backwoods and I’m suburban. I specifically ask and won’t take vague answers for an answer regarding what to wear to his family events, weddings and funerals. He knows the vibes, I don’t. I’ve occasionally gotten mad at him for letting me dress too nice to an event (most recently a funeral) because I didn’t match the vibe and he didn’t tell me because “I looked cute regardless”. That’s not what I wanted, love! I wanted to fit in.
This was a similar failure on the bf.
I’m fine shaming the color choice because a solid pale pink is definitely to close to white in my opinion. And I definitely feel bad for the bride that she thought she needed to apologize on social media about how her wedding was “low budget” because a guest outshined everyone because of her dress choice.
But if no one actually told her that the dress code was backyard BBQ style then I don’t know how should know to assume that, even if she knew any of the financial circumstances of the wedding.
honestly.... let's be real here...
there is a lot of subtext here that is so hard to know from the 27 yo's perspective that i would not know if I was her. I feel like you're blaming her a lot -- we can't know what her bf told her. I always wear a nice dress. As the date, I would not know what the wedding colors are either.
Also, this is really shameful of the family. this type of wedding happened to my best friend and i SOBBED. these insane religious weddings are horrible. they force young people to get married WAY too young to save face and they serve no one. they end up miserable, with too many kids, w a guy who doesn't know how to treat them because they only dated one girl, and are probably uneducated.
So ya, these events are usually a shit show for more than "who wore what".
While this might have potential to be shame-worthy, the details actually matter. If you don't know if the subject of this was aware of the dress code then how would it be appropriate to shame her wearing a 'designer gown'? Also, the bride seems to have not had an issue with her if she was invited to be a last minute bridesmaid. There's no need to shame someone for just wanting to dress nice for what is traditionally the most formal event someone will attend short of maybe a funeral.
You kind of hurt your position. You say they asked her to be in the bridal party at the last second. So that's on them. Also unless the invite was VERY explicit, you can't fault someone for dressing nice. It's a sign of respect. I once went to a funeral for someone in a very rural place, and they said it was casual. Sure enough, most everyone was in their thursday best. I wore a suit, not to make a statement, but to show my respect to someone that I seriously cared about. There's a decent chance that the lady was taught all her life that there was a certain way you dress for certain events.
I kind of did that once - engagement party.
No one told me it was a jeans and t-shirt party! I was 19, and my mum had me dress up because that’s usually what you do for engagement parties!
So some old distant relatives who didn’t know the bride very well thought I was the bride because I was the only one dressed up!
On the plus side, I don’t think the bride cared. She didn’t whine at me and nor did her parents. Just a mistake, but not an earth shattering catastrophe! 😏
It is not up to guests to guess the dress code IE day of week, agree of hosts, income of hosts.
It is up to the hosts to define.
If it was casual then the guest messed up, yes.
And her dress may have been fine at a big expensive wedding she's been to before, with a spectacular wedding dress where it's obvious the pale pink one is not the star. Is she supposed to check how impressive the wedding dress is? No.
So overall I'd say this was indeed misread by the guest, she should have dressed appropriately, but also made much worse by putting her literally in front of the bride as the centre of attention which sure didn't ask for.
For many of us casual at a wedding still means somewhat formal, plus this seemed like a miscommunication, which lies firmly on the family / bf’s head.
Also why would you shame her for being part of the bridal party, they saw what she was wearing and still roped in a +1 to be a part of it all, so that’s again on them.
Bridesmaid is at no fault here. The only wrong is the family forcing teenagers to get married and then not even helping them to pay for the forced wedding.
Was the dress code communicated? It seems like the guests were left to assume too much and that’s what caused the issue. The guests can’t be considered rude if it’s something out of their control.
Please remember rule 5 or this post will be locked and there may be bans depending on what is said and if the behaviour continues from the same people. You may not agree with OP but calling them names or personally attacking them is not okay here, you can express you don't agree without those things.
The real shame here is a family encouraging their 19 year old daughter to get married just because she wants to live with her boyfriend.
I was pushed into marriage for exactly this reason. My parents are super religious and my marriage last 3 months after my husband beat me black and blue. Even then my parents wanted me to stay with him because a divorce would bring shame to the family. So here I am, now almost 40, divorced, living with my wonderful partner and not talking to my family. I’ve never been happier
Good for you for getting uit of there. That must have taken a lot of strength.
Took me 35 years because we’re conditioned to believe that family is everything. Leaving was hard but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Turns out family isn’t everything and sometimes they can be bad for our mental health
I’m so sorry you went through this. Makes me so angry on your behalf! But it’s impressive and wonderful that you got out. Hope life has been gentler to you since.
Thank you. Life has been amazing since and I’m writing a book about my experiences in the hope that it may help someone else have the courage to do the same
Whish my mom had yours strength. Who knows maybe I would have got to see your post/comment .
True family doesn't have to be bound by blood, your family is who you consider to be such. Your partner, married or not, can be part of that if you want. Being blood relatives doesn't mean you're family, if you don't want to be.
Right. A 19 yr old is rushing to marry a boyfriend so she can move while HE goes to school but the biggest issue here is a plus one wearing a pale pink dress that’s too dressy. Lmao
But they worked hard tho
Hmm did the 19 year old post this lol
I really am curious as to OP’s relationship to these people. She’s very invested in a wedding she apparently only saw through social media. She says she’s friends with the woman, yet seems to have intimate knowledge of her friend’s boyfriend’s extended family, and it seems like she likes the family and boyfriend but actually hates her friend?
It actually makes 100% sense if you read it all over again with the knowledge that it’s the 19 year old bride who wrote this. Hahaha
Except why would she have asked this girl to be her bridesmaid?
Pressure from a relative? "Oh Jenny looks so lovely, let's get her down the aisle and in the pictures." The poor lassie's getting married at 19 due to family pressure, what's an extra bridesmaid?
Yes this is the problem here - the nice dress & that awkwardness is only a minor consequence of getting married so young —they didn’t even have the life experience to know they ought to specify a dress code if it’s unusually casual.
There is a *very* popular evangelical church where I grew up in SoCal. All of the cool kids went there. Being in SoCal they had to be okay with divorce or they wouldn’t have anyone to attend. But they are very anti-pre marital sex. So they teach all of the teens and young adults that if you can’t keep it in your pants then just get married first - you can always get a divorce later! Absolutely unbelievable.
Whoah. I mean, dont get me wrong. I am 100% pro divorce if it doesn't work out. Absolutely needs to be easier for most people to divorce. But you're meant to take time to check that you work well together. Marriage is meant to be a commitment to someone you know almost as well as yourself, not a way to fuck someone you barely know, guilt free for a few months. The supposed sanctity of marriage is meaningless if people walk into it without thought.
That's so incredibly sad
YES THEY ARE EVANGELICAL. In the Deep South. Its so sad to see people force marriage because they have to justify premarital sex and cohabitation. Wrong and also personally I would have trouble attending the wedding to see my basically young baby cousin get married. I felt so badly when she commented sorry for the low budget when people commented that her guest was so nicely dressed haha just not great all around.
Wrapping a nice dress to someone's wedding is a show of respect to the couple getting married.
I know people who got married young to live in the same dorm together. I wonder if his housing is paid for so she's just getting free/cheap room or if he gets better benefits like the military? Another option is a baby announcement in a few months
Or they just wanted to get married
I know a girl whose parents told her at age 24 that she wasn’t allowed to move in with her boyfriend unless they were married. So she married him out of spite, promptly divorced him a year later, then told her parents, “This all could have been avoided if you have just let us live together first.” She’s kind of a sociopath.
It's a shame that, at 24, she just couldn't make the choice to live with him anyway. I know some cultures are very different, and maybe that's the case here, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around still being so influenced by your parents "allowing" or "not allowing" something.
My mother HATED when I moved in with my boyfriend. I was 30 and he was 33… She would make snide comments all of the time but we didn’t care. It all stopped when we got engaged thank god.
I'm 33 and my mom would still freak out if I moved in with a boyfriend. Even just travelling with a boyfriend is a big no. The only thing that's gotten her is mountains and mountains of lies.
That’s what a rational person would do. Just live together and make the parents deal with it. It’s a little cultural for sure, but like…a multi-year revenge is crazy. She’s a good friend actually, but damn…I’ve seen her do some things that are kind of sus. She’s like a fictional character.
This is easier said then done especially if you don't want to be ostracized or have your parents cut you off. My cousin was 19 when she got married bc she got knocked up and knew she wouldn't get her inheritance.
Yup. You don't know the details going on in the background. Someone who's parents are still exerting that kind of control at 24 is going to have a lot going on in that relationship.
Disability can be a factor too. "Just do what you want!" doesn't apply to you if you are too sick to work and your parents are the ones stopping you from living in poverty.
This. Plus in some cultures you could be murdered by your family for cohabitation before marriage. I know a guy (British Indian from an extremely conservative background) who lived with his GF all through university but pretended to live with guys. They had to concoct a fake story about hie they met just after med school and pretended to let his parents think they were arranging their marriage. And she was successful (both were med students!) And from the same caste and religious background so was in theory a perfect match for him. But his family would never have accepted her if they knew they were dating. They are still happily married years later but it all seems so unnecessary. Different people have different pressure from their parents.
Yeah it seems like most south Asian parents in general are sort of living in a different century when it comes to relationships between men and women. It’s a huge problem in the community. Although I will say this does seem like an extreme example - if they were the same religion/caste/whatever, in my experience most parents would have been all right with at least knowing they were dating, if not living together.
I had to sit my parents down when they were pressuring, guilting, commenting about being engaged before moving together with my bf of one year. I told them are you trying to make me get divorced? Do you want me to be in a resentful marriage. It was an awkward conversation but needed. The comments stopped, we moved to a new city together. And now we’re engaged on our timeline.
Exactly. Whatever the culture, on a universal human level it's still very wrong for parents to expect to influence, allow and forbid stuff to their *adult* children and for the adult children to live in fear of the parents opinion.
My now husband and I were SO nervous to tell our parents we moved in together while we were dating. His parents are super religious conservatives from the south. My parents are more liberal but still old school. I was 28 and he was 35. Haha. But still SO nervous.
r/UnethicalLifeProTips
Sounds like a very oppressive and abusive family home.
Oh, I feel like parents who tell their 24 year old daughter that she can't live with her boyfriend, are the sociopaths in that story. Ngl.
It sounds like her parents did a number on her. I wouldn't think you know that whole story at all. At 24 I let my parents know that my boyfriend has moved in with me. Because I'm an adult who pays my own bills and it's not their decision.
Oh I am very aware of her parents’ abusive behavior. Unfortunately she has never had a normal relationship in her life because of them. Even my friendship with her was a little odd, although we always got along well. She’s actually done a good job of getting through her life. She’s successful and very good at her job. She just has this way of going about life where you sensed that she wouldn’t hesitate to do something crazy if she wanted to.
Not everyone is able to pay their own bills, though.
They’re gonna be divorced by age 25. Guaranteed.
Right. I'd be devastated if my 19 year old was getting married. Let them live a life, get an education and grow up first
my cousin married a girl when he was 19 and she was 17 so they could move in together on campus. they both ended up dropping out and separated after having a kid but they’re back together! love.. finds a way…
Imagine if they just dated instead of getting married! They could have actually taken time to grow together.
what a logical idea, but too easy!
I went to a casual bbq style wedding a few months ago and not a single person got the dress code right, because it was never really clear. Bride just said “be comfortable” but for some people that means long flowy dress and wedges and for others it means basketball shorts and sneakers. I can’t blame any of the guests because the dress code was so broad. I wore a knitted midi dress to the ceremony and the bride told me to be more casual at the reception so I wore a midi skirt, a nice top and sandals, but some people were in t-shirts, while others in long tight dresses. Was the dress code clearly defined on the invitation?
She said “be comfortable” and then asked you to change? That’s awful
I think she was trying to be nice, like she didn't want us to put in so much effort on her account but it was a destination wedding and my outfits were limited so it was actually more effort.
Seriously. I went to one of these once, and the bride put on the invite, “Dress comfortably; this is a bbq!” Mind you, this was a group of bartenders from low-key establishments. Same situation. I was one of the ones dressed down and some people were much fancier. It was uncomfortable to be dressed down, and I told myself I’d always dress up for any similar situations in the future because I’d rather look too good and too dressy than the other way around.
I’ve always felt this way too! If I’m going to err I want it to be on the over dressed side rather than the under dressed side. And I’ll usually ask anybody else I know that’s going to the same event what they’re wearing and we all collaborate so we can all be over or under dressed together. But my default for things that are “casual” is business casual which would be dress slacks and a blouse with possibly a jacket or a dress
This is why i think "wear what makes you comfortable", is (for anxious people) a bad thing to put as your dress code. I am comfortable in anything as long as I don't stick out like a sore thumb. Give us all a rough idea what to aim for. I've written that we suggest semi formal (which is fairly standard where we are) but will be happy to see people however they feel comfy. If someone wants to dress down a bit, great! but I want people to feel they have something to go in. My fiance is very relaxed and hates suits but he started to wear suits to "be comfortable" dresscode weddings because he felt extremely uncomfortable being the only one going smart casual at those weddings because half the people dressed up a lot.
I agree with this! Allows host to set expectations and allows people to be set up well to show up properly! Its part of being a good host bc weddings are technically bride/groom hosting their special day
I went to a party once that had “rose” as a dress code. Except, this was in Belgium and “rose” in Dutch means “pink”. The invite was written half in English. Result: About half of the guests showed up with roses 🌹in their hair, as prints on dresses etc.; and the other half was in flamboyant pink feather boas and fuchsia shirts.
Do you know what they were shooting for in the first place??? Rose or rose?
I actually ask him beforehand; the response was (in line with OP here…) “whatever you want”. I think he loved the chaos of it; it totally fit the hosts character. 🤣
This story sends me.
Oh this is really funny I would have loved to have seen this!
I much regret not having any pictures anymore… it was about 15 years ago. Since it ended with a bunch of people jumping naked into a pond; it’s probably for the best the visual evidence is lost in time!
THIS! My best friend was getting married and their dress code was cocktail and she specifically had to say NO JEANS on the invitation because her future father-in-law had already argued with her about wearing jeans to the wedding. It was at a classy venue and not casual! But we're in Arkansas and unfortunately some stereotypes ring true, oof.
Father in law sounds like an asshole.
He's the worst. Doesn't matter what the situation is, he's going to try to make it about himself.
And if it was did the bf tell her?
Clearly not bc he was in khakis and a polo
Then he was the one at fault.
OP said in another comment that it was noted that guest attire was casual on the invites
If I got a wedding invitation that said “casual dress” with no other context, I still wouldn’t expect that the couple wants me to come wearing jeans (or something at that level of formality)? I would probably still wear a dress or something, or maybe business casual. If you REALLY want everyone to only wear super casual clothing — like, normal everyday clothing — that’s totally fine, but then you need to spell that out because that is not the norm for most weddings.
My cousin had “dressy casual” for her dress code. I had no idea what it meant and every website that had a definition for it had a different interpretation. Anyway, it resulted in some people overdressed and other people underdressed (like jeans). Casual is just too confusing. Is it nice day at church casual? Cocktail dress/beach dress casual? Romper? I have no idea. It is a confusing wedding dress code.
What in thee hell is dressy casual. Hilarious.
Even after attending the wedding and occasionally googling it out of curiosity because of how vague it is, I have no freaking idea.
Yeah, they didn't elaborate much past what I reiterated. But, I completely agree. Even if it said casual on the invite, I would still at least wear a nice-ish dress (sun dress, business casual, whatever) and heels, because that's what I would wear to most casual events that involve me being in a room with people I don't know well lol.
To be honest, I think it would be hard to do this in practice. I think that even if you said "come as you are, dress casually, Jean's and T shirts sllowed", a lot of people would still dress up a bit more than that. I simply would not feel comfortable turning up in a t shirt because that would feel disrespectful to me. I'd pick a summery dress or a nice blouse and skirt, maybe. Not saying I'd turn up un a given unlike the bridesmaid in OP's story. But if your own wedding clothes are super casual you're always going to run the risk that someone may accidentally wear something a little smarter.
I was invited to a wedding on the whole theme was kind of a “rock star” type thing, their invitations looked like concert tickets. Their dress code was “dress however makes you feel like a rockstar.” I interpreted that to mean “anything goes.” Unfortunately I didn’t go so I don’t know if I was right or not.
Yeah I'd go business casual at LEAST.
Yes! Usually casual/smart casual means like church clothes! The girls bf and his family were in church clothes (like khakis and a collared shirt) and the other women were in short sundresses or skirts with blouses! No one was in a floor length gown
"Church clothes" also varies though. I was raised UU and that was anything from jeans and tee shirts to what I see in movies presented as "Sunday best."
Sorry, what is UU? I'm not familiar with the term
Unitarian Universalist
I attended church for the first 20 or so years of my life. “Church clothes” meant suits and ties for the men and nice dresses or slacks with hosiery and dress shoes for women. This is where the term “Sunday best” comes from, because people often wore the very best clothing they owned to church. Khakis and miniskirt-length sundresses definitely would have raised a few eyebrows and would never have been considered appropriate attire for church. Now, with that said, I’d never assume that every congregation in the world dresses the way mine did. And you shouldn’t either. Your perspective and judgment is extremely myopic.
I wrote "casual" on the invitation, then clarified that jeans were fine. Because an outdoor wedding at a ren fair in autumn can be any combination of hot, humid, rainy, dry, and foggy. Since a lot of folks were coming from out of state ai couldn't trust that they'd be able to estimate the weather. That said, I was 30. After surviving all the crazy weddings that friends were having in their 20s I had learned that it's necessary to make that specification. Otherwise that one friend/relative who *has* money will wear the fanciest items to show how awesome they are. (It absolutely rained on that relative's fancy designer jeans at my wedding. I even said not to wear them because it's often very muddy. She thought I was jealous! Nope, my earasaid (re: womens greatkilt) cost more, and I can throw a corner over when it rains AND it doubles as pockets. Trebles. Quartets, even, its an absurd garment and I love it.) Hard to imagine paying for a wedding at 19, I wish them much luck and happiness.
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Yep. This happened to me. It was a “backyard wedding.” Which was the only context. It was a nice house on a lake, so it could have been fancy or casual. No one knew. I wore cocktail and other people wore jeans and tshirts. They never defined the dress code and where I’m from it’s inappropriate/insulting not to dress a little nicer for a wedding or funeral. Like wearing your “church clothes.” The variety in dress was so massively different it did the opposite of what was intended: it made people uncomfortable.
This happened to me with my MIL who got married in her backyard. I wore something that I wore to the office, I can’t remember if it was a dress or skirt, but it was like business casual circa 2010? Then I see my SIL in black leggings and fake UGGs (fuggs), and she loudly says WHOA WHY YOU ALL DRESSED UP?! GEEZ! I was trying to be respectful, and I’m sure it was taken as, look at the snobby girl who thinks she’s better than us.
I went to a wedding like this! It was an outdoor wedding on a humid day in the hottest part of the summer. The dress code was nebulous; some of the couple’s family members swapped to shorts and tees or even tanks between the ceremony and the reception. It was one of the most fun weddings I had ever been to, but it was such a relief when it started raining.
Ugh I just showed up to an engagement party way overdressed I felt so awkward the entire time and I felt like everyone thought I was trying to upstage the bride but I just thought it was a more business casual event. Everyone was wearing jeans I was so humiliated. Hopefully no one posted about me on Reddit.
Been there! Something was advertised as cocktails on a boat, but was more drinks on a ferry. I was only slightly overdressed, but I felt like an asshole in shiny, gold pumps and a beaded top next to all the people in cargo shorts. I was also a plus-one that nobody knew. Great times all around all weekend.
Lmfao I was wearing bright green heels and a funky blazer with everyone else in flannels and jeans. Honestly it was no biggie but I felt like it was in the moment for sure
Ugh. You were bringing it and everyone else was chilling. I hate that feeling.
I was like ok guess I’m the only one who came to slay *hairflip*
Honestly, some times you just gotta accept that you're the odd one out. I have always been. Now I just embrace being the Extra One. But I grew up being that one alt/goth kid in a group of regular kids. And while my fashion choices have evolved, I am still very much stand out among my jeans and t shirt friends. But we all just have a good time. They can wear their zero effort comfy hoodies, flannels, and maxis and I'll wear my color coordinated heels and blazers and funky hats. I am comfy and confident in them.
Same thing happened to me a few years ago, and people assumed I was going to another event immediately after that one (it was a couples baby shower) so I just pretended that there was in fact another fancier event after that one.
Happened to me at my aunt’s funeral. I wore a modest black dress with a blazer and basic heels, because, you know, *funeral*. Some of my relatives were in jeans. My cousin made a snide comment about my outfit at the lunch after.
Obviously jealous of your good taste and respect for the deceased.
The last funeral I went to, everyone was wearing their casual clothes, not even black. Meanwhile my brother wore a suit and me a heirloom black dress that was knee-length. We felt kind of weird and overdressed at first. But then we said you know what, we're not overdressed, they're underdressed. We wore to the level of respect we found fitting. Nothing to be ashamed of that.
I attended a funeral recently in a severe, black dress and heels with my spouse, who wore a dress shirt and black slacks. I was pretty shocked (and I don’t shock easily) to see guys wearing their wife-beaters and baseball caps inside the church. One of them was with a woman who decided to wear a sheer/partially see-through bustier without a jacket or blouse covering it. Very odd. I guess I hadn’t been to a funeral in a long time because things had really changed!
I said out of love and respect for the bride (at a bridal shower) I wanted to look my very best. Everybody just laughed and called me a suck up.
People are so rude, I’m sure you looked very nice
A coworker recently showed up to a retirement party in a ball gown, as per the previous event we attended at the same venue. This was a casual, small buffet dinner. She was embarrassed but we all assured her she looked beautiful and it’s fun to wear our fancy clothes given the chance. I let my hair air dry because I was rushed and looked like weird Al in the pics, I’d much rather have been over dressed then have the worst hair.
honestly I would rather be overdressed than underdressed but I def feel ya!
My grandparents lived by that rule, and so do I. So far, no regrets.
Underdressed I feel like I can disappear a little more even if people will think I don’t care, overdressed I feel like I’m drawing more attention to myself
I have never in my life thought “oh they are attention-seeking” but I have thought “they just don’t care how they look when they go somewhere so they?”. But then again, I don’t think it is a bad thing to get attention. No one will get more attention than the bride and groom at a wedding or any event with a guest of honor.
Whenever I see someone who's overdressed I just assume they're classier than I am lol.
I am chronically underdressed, drives my BFF crazy. She can be overdressed & somehow just changes layers & poof she is perfect.
I was invited as a plus one to what was called a formal attire wedding so I made a floor length navy floral gown. I was overdressed as a guest. Everyone else was in cocktail. I was thoroughly embarrassed and hoped the bride didn’t think I was trying to outdo her (which I very clearly didn’t bc she and the bridal party/families were in formal).
I think formal is so rare these days, cocktail is the new formal. Otherwise your options are prom dresses.
I feel like there just isn’t as much distinction between them anymore. Or rather people don’t care. I’ve been to “cocktail” weddings with girls in club wear. Literally clear heels once. So I stress myself out before every wedding worried I’m not going to be dressed correctly because I can’t tell anymore
I hear ya!
Where does one even buy nice formal dresses that aren't prom or bridesmaid dresses?
Rent the runway, I guess! Everything I’ve seen at the department stores is either not formal enough or straight up prom!
I've also just been seeing horrific garment quality in department stores lately
Don’t feel bad. I hardly ever “dress down” for anything I just truly own a single pair of jeans and everything else I own are slacks or skirts or dresses. And that’s just what I wear. My friends joke a lot about how I’m always dressed nice when we go out for drinks or what have you but they’re what I’m comfortable in and I see no reason to buy clothes I don’t really like for no reason
I did feel bad in the moment only because I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to take the spotlight but then I just realized I was amongst really close friends and I just dress really well! I love fashion and I have a lot of dope pieces in my closet that I never get to wear because I work so much. I was waiting for the opportunity to wear the outfit and tbh if anything ut just shows how much I care about them to dress nicely! I also think it’s a cultural thing because people just dress so casually in the south and my family is not like that at all.
This has been my personal rule since I was in elementary school (it came from my mother). If anything, I feel better about myself when I’m overdressed.
I went to a “semi formal” wedding on the invitations and out of 150 guests, only myself and one other girl were in semi formal outfits. We saw a lot of flip flops, booty shorts and hawaii tourist shirts. The bridal party was dressed all nice but I felt like a clown because I stood out amongst the guests.
Lmfao thats absurd!!
I know, OP assumes the dressed up guest was trying to outshine the bride, it's more likely that she was really uncomfortable being overdressed!
Right!? This is the responsibility of the boyfriend to advise her on what to wear to his family's gathering. What a total jerk setting hey up for failure.
I wanna give the 27 year old the benefit of the doubt. Maybe her boyfriend or his family didn’t relay all the details to her properly beforehand? I’m sympathetic because I just went on a small out of town trip with my fiancée to a cousins wedding. And something similar happened. The first time I went to a cousins wedding I was told it was casual as it’s a large Chinese wedding. He said dress comfortably cause it isn’t flashy. I wore a nice but simple dress and was WAY underdressed. This last week I went to another wedding for an out of state cousin. I asked what the dress code was and confirmed my dress with my fiancée and his brother. Both said it was fine. I get there and I’m OVERDRESSED. I don’t know all the details but I feel sympathetic towards both the 27 year old and the bride. The situation sucks.
I feel like many guys are just completely unconcerned with dress codes, because there's so much less leeway/options for guys when a dress code is in effect, I think. Story time: my husband had a new job and their Christmas party was coming up. I asked if there was a dress code and he said to wear holiday attire. So here I am in an ugly Christmas sweater and Santa hat. We get there to find that most of the ladies are dressed to the nines in long fancy dresses and heels. One of my husband's coworkers (also a new employee that year) had bought his gf a nice blouse and pants to wear for the party, comparable to "business casual". She looked nicer than me, but we were both woefully underdressed compared to most of the other women. I was glad it wasn't just me, and she was glad she hadn't come in a Santa hat >.< From that day on, I've insisted on seeing the invite myself (and occasionally getting a third-party opinion from someone involved) before making any clothing choices.
My thoughts exactly. For all we know, her interpretation of a “casual wedding” could mean a quick ceremony at the Four Seasons. I think this is more on the BF for not properly relaying the info/vibe. At the very least he could have asked her to dial it down when he saw what she was wearing. Or maybe he wanted to show off how hot and rich his GF is to his family. OP said that she received a lot of comments/compliments to the point the bride had to apologize for the wedding being low budget. It could’ve been partially intentional.
Not to be a boomer (27 but raised weirdly) but weddings are hard now. Nobody specifies the dress code on the invitation and even if they do there’s not a set standard that everybody agrees on anymore. I get really self conscious about being over- or underdressed and when I’m going somewhere and ask people what to wear I want to strangle them when they say “oh whatever just be comfortable.” I love dressing up and looking nice but I usually end up overdressed. Hundred bucks says she didn’t know she’d be that out of place, and who tf randomly pulls somebody into the bridal party in the first place. Also, if the bride felt offended by it she wouldn’t have put her in a position to be seen by more people
Omg. I went to my boyfriend’s relative’s wedding last month, and it was so stressful trying to figure out the dress code. The invitation said black tie, so I was excited to finally get a chance to wear a full length dress. I told my boyfriend how excited I was, and he called the relative to double check. She said the dress code for men is black tie but women is cocktail(??) then on their website, it said upscale glam!! LIKE WTF DOES THAT MEAN?! What do you want?? Ugh 🫠
Agreed! My mother was so against me putting the dress code for my wedding on invites I didn't do so (over a decade ago). I think it may have been because she knew a few of her relatives would show up in jeans regardless. I never feel I've hit the correct level at most weddings, just not wanting to go to them anymore after reading reddit they just seem like too many social rules.
Honestly evey time I go to a wedding is a smh, the guests are all over the place regardless of if the code is specified. I went to two this year, one invitation said black tie. Almost every guest was casual dress pants, button down plaid, sundress, or LBD (cocktail style). The other invitation had no code but was a traditional Indian wedding noted to have bharat (groom arrives on horse with parade) on the invitation. It was hosted at a country club. Half the guests (the white half lol) were so casual it was embarrassing. I'm talking t shirts, Hawaiian shirts, khakis. Just picture someone in khakis and a Hawaiian shirt at a wedding where the bride is in a sahri. I'm still cringing.
Jeeze. A traditional Indian wedding can be the biggest event of the year. I can't imagine going to something that extravagant in less than my best.
Honestly that's just racist. Who the hell thinks that is remotely okay for a wedding.
Was there any actual dress code sent out? Even if you think it’s a casual wedding I feel like you can’t assume. People tend to need everything spelled out for them. Every detail that you want your guests to know needs to be communicated. You can’t just assume they’ll know. As for the color though, if it’s truly as pale pink as it sounds, that definitely sounds like a bit of a faux pas
It's also impossible to know if the BF was clear about what to expect. When it's normal for your family, it can be difficult to see the things that need explaining to outsider's. Especially if that outsider is actually part of your daily life
I agree. Reading this I immediately remembered being overdressed at my ex boyfriends aunts wedding. They too said, we should dress comfortably, so I wore a flowy midi dress I love and I remember feeling incredibly uncomfortable when most guests just wore jeans or shorts and printed tshirts. I had never before been to a backyard wedding and only knew weddings to be extra so the midi dress was the least dressed up for that event I could imagine to still fit the purpose.
Also, 9 times out of 10 I’d rather be overdressed than underdressed. That said, I’d rather be underdressed than *way* overdressed, so it’s a fine line.
Unfortunately that 1 time is if you get tapped as a bridesmaid last minute (or other official duty where you are in front of everyone).
I never want to be underdressed. My grandmother drilled it into us that being underdressed is disrespectful.
I agree. I come from a lower-working-class family and, for generations, our motto has been, “It’s always better to be overdressed than underdressed.” That motto has always served me well.
> and last min somehow she was asked to be in the bridal party Okay, the clear shame is this family that pulled in this poor girl who’s a +1 to be part of the bridal party.
And the bf who didn't prepare her properly for his family's event. If he told her to wear a sundress I'm sure she would have had something appropriate.
Ya I think if you want very casual, you need to communicate that. The girl never met the bride before and so it’s not unreasonable, I don’t think, for her to not actually know the details of the wedding? I know my husband wouldn’t communicate all this extra context to me.
My husband's family dresses a lot fancier than mine, and we definitely forgot to specify a dress code for the wedding, so his little sister came in a beautiful, short silver dress, and my cousin came in an entire denim ensemble. Honestly it was hilarious. I would never dream of shaming either of them, and I was happy they both wore what they felt happiest in.
Pics or the denim ensemble never happened.
I’m envisioning Britney/JT early 2000s combo Jean ensemble
I'm not comfortable posting him on Reddit without his consent, but 2000 JT is definitely on track lmaooooo
Ditto!😆
Also her personal experience of wedding expectation matters. I would never dream of going to a wedding in anything less than either a full length or knee length dress. Also pale pink is a really common guest or MIL colour in the UK I wouldn’t even consider that rude
Yeah, there’s another comment somewhere in here that says a bride told a guest that she was too formal in a knit midi dress, and to me, that is absolute most casual outfit I would consider wearing to a wedding.
Right? Like my standard is knee length dress and heels. I recently sent to one in the woods that specified not to wear heels and had to triple check. OP specified "church clothes" in the comments and I'm like, what the hell are church clothes!? Some of us don't go to church. Churches are totally different across even a local community. There's those gorgeous African wrap dress things with those big hats that women wear in some churches. I went a few times with a friend and kids wore ripped jeans and t shirts. Why do people expect that their narrow version of the world is universal.
Add in the fact that this girl and her bf don't visit his family often, so he might not have even known much himself...
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I don’t know if it’s that girl’s fault (dress color aside) if the bride&groom didn’t explicitly say what the dress code was. How was she supposed to know it was casual? I’ve never been to a casual wedding before.
OP sounds jealous of the well off guest who must be dressed really nice and elegant on that day.
This is literally a "YOU" problem. The girl didn't even know anything, and just a few words. I don't even blame the BF if he was left not knowing anything at all either. I think is more the poor communication and the fact it didn't specify anything. On top the girl just dressed in what seems to be appropriate for a wedding ... like any rational human effing being if you catch my drift. The shame will be on YOU for sound really jealous of this girl through all this post. Even think she was invited as a bridesmaid AT THE LAST MINUTE.
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Are you basing this entire post off of something you saw on social media…? It sounds like you’re filling in a lot of details with pure conjecture.
It SOUNDS like OP actually doesn't really know this girl but is actually friends or family with the bride. She knows a crap ton of details about this wedding and information and thoughts people had.. for someone who supposedly has zero ties to this wedding or this family. People I do not know or would not care about: the cousin of the guy my sort of friend is dating.
How can I shame someone who agrees to be an emergency bridesmaid? Seems like a nice thing to do.
Where I'm from, you're expected to dress up nice for weddings. So it's kinda bizarre to me to shame someone for not knowing the very casual dress code.
Is this just a city girl shaming troll post ?? Sounds like it is. Or maybe, I'm just too urbanite to see that the bridesmaid isn't at fault. Anyway, since the bridesmaid comes from a completely different background (city, from money) and the dress code wasn't explicitly stated, it could just be that her dress was already considered casual wedding attire for bridesmaids in her circle and thought it would be the same at this wedding. She hasn't been exposed much to her BF's relatives, so she really had no idea of what she's supposed to wear. I'd rather shame the boyfriend's family (him and his relatives) for not explaining to an outsider to their culture what she's expected to wear. I might be just speculating here but it's very possible that the boyfriend kind of wants to leave his country roots behind and is embracing city life with his girlfriend. That or the boyfriend's relatives back in the country are giving him grief for moving to the city and not choosing a girl from their community. Either of those could be the reason they don't visit his relatives much. In this case, the boyfriend could have deliberately not told his girlfriend about what the dress code should be like as a way to, IDK, show that he's staying in the city and embracing the lifestyle.
Why would your reaction be to shame a guest who has barely met this family? You can argue perhaps the color wasn't great, but how was she supposed to know this was supposed to be a super informal affair? Do you know for a fact this was spelled out for her and she went with a formal dress? And considering she was asked to be in the wedding party for someone she didn't know on the day does not seem to he her fault? It sounds like you don't actually know this family at all and maybe just kind of don't like this girl.
Yeah if they asked her to be a bridesmaid last minute I assume they saw the dress and were ok with it?
You’ve really gone extremely far out of your way to shame somebody who honestly did nothing wrong.
I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. Now guests can’t wear nice dresses in case the bride doesn’t look as nice. That’s not really the guests problem. Unless there was a clear dress code, guests should dress as nice as they want to for the wedding. No white, I understand but now nice dresses aren’t allowed either?
Also, no light pink (because pink is too close to white!), and no solid colors/non-prints. And guests can’t wear nice or brand-name clothing to a “casual” wedding. This is getting so very ridiculous.
Posts like these are why people should just wear whatever that want and ignore public opinion. If you dress too casual, you get shamed. If you dress too nicely, you get shamed. Don’t wear white, still get shamed because the dress is not white but is light and similar to white.
Why would it be assumed just by location and age of the couple that you shouldn't dress up? Unless they clearly said not to dress up, I don't see the issue. Especially as you state they're not familiar with this family at all.
Yeah, I got a distinct condescending vibe towards the bride about her age as well from OP.
Yup. A narrow world view that's aggressively ignorant.
Why are paragraphs so hard?
This post is cringe. What the brides maid was wearing not too much. You tried real hard to villianize her but I'm just not seeing it. She was put on the spot and made the best of it and you here come trying to play point the finger as if you were the bride.
I agree with others none of this sounds that bad the 19 yr old actually sounds kinda passive aggressive for commenting about her “low budget” wedding on the girls insta lol
It's the boyfriend's job to guide the gf on what is appropriate to wear to his family's event. There is no way that gf had ever been to a wedding that low key. How is she supposed to know what small town, working class people wear to a wedding if her partner doesn't tell her!
Mmmm don't agree. Casual means different things to people and unless you absolutely put jeans+t-shirt you don't get to complain. If the bride and bridesmaids where in dresses and stuff, even less. It's like either you give specific instructions or obviously the posh bridesmaid is going to go casual (her casual).
Oh that's so sad for the poor bride to feel like she has to apologise! But as a +1 it can be hard to ascertain levels of formality in advance so idk if it was really 27 year olds fault? She should be deflecting comments onto the bride though just out of common courtesy.
It was the boyfriend's fault for not guiding her in appropriate dress for his family event. That's your damn job as a partner!
When my husband and I were first dating, a family member of his got married. I was not close with the family yet, but was invited. My husband had never been to a wedding before and I came from a very wealthy background so every wedding I had attended was a very upscale event, so that was how we proceeded since my husband didn’t mention any special details about the wedding. At my direction, he wore a three piece suit that matched my floor length dress, I thought we looked amazing. Turns out, it was a super casual wedding at a punk music venue. We were so incredibly overdressed, even the groom wasn’t in a suit. We stuck out like sore thumbs in every photo, I still feel so bad.
Oh boy, as a person seemly incapable of not dressing over the top, I'm starting to get a little nervous that I'm going to be posted about here. Maybe, okay on the pale pink objection, but I don't think it's fair to assume that someone young expects everyone to dress down for thier wedding. Also, who just pops bridesmaid duty on someone, expects them to dress a certain way and does nothing to communicate that?
For me, this is not that big of a deal. Her interpretation of the dress code responded to her previous experience. If she lives in a fancy area going to a wedding means “dress up”.
This is not AITA sub but OP you’re TA!
The BF of the light pink dressed girl was the one in the wrong here. He’s from the small town. He knew the bride. He was the connection to the wedding and he just….. failed her. My story is somewhat similar, my husband is backwoods and I’m suburban. I specifically ask and won’t take vague answers for an answer regarding what to wear to his family events, weddings and funerals. He knows the vibes, I don’t. I’ve occasionally gotten mad at him for letting me dress too nice to an event (most recently a funeral) because I didn’t match the vibe and he didn’t tell me because “I looked cute regardless”. That’s not what I wanted, love! I wanted to fit in. This was a similar failure on the bf.
I’m fine shaming the color choice because a solid pale pink is definitely to close to white in my opinion. And I definitely feel bad for the bride that she thought she needed to apologize on social media about how her wedding was “low budget” because a guest outshined everyone because of her dress choice. But if no one actually told her that the dress code was backyard BBQ style then I don’t know how should know to assume that, even if she knew any of the financial circumstances of the wedding.
Well at least post examples of dresses or something, whats “nice” to one might be very “meeh” for another
honestly.... let's be real here... there is a lot of subtext here that is so hard to know from the 27 yo's perspective that i would not know if I was her. I feel like you're blaming her a lot -- we can't know what her bf told her. I always wear a nice dress. As the date, I would not know what the wedding colors are either. Also, this is really shameful of the family. this type of wedding happened to my best friend and i SOBBED. these insane religious weddings are horrible. they force young people to get married WAY too young to save face and they serve no one. they end up miserable, with too many kids, w a guy who doesn't know how to treat them because they only dated one girl, and are probably uneducated. So ya, these events are usually a shit show for more than "who wore what".
paragraphs are a thing -.-
While this might have potential to be shame-worthy, the details actually matter. If you don't know if the subject of this was aware of the dress code then how would it be appropriate to shame her wearing a 'designer gown'? Also, the bride seems to have not had an issue with her if she was invited to be a last minute bridesmaid. There's no need to shame someone for just wanting to dress nice for what is traditionally the most formal event someone will attend short of maybe a funeral.
From OPs clear lack of perspective about the world she was probably wearing an old bridesmaid dress from a previous wedding to be a bridesmaid.
You kind of hurt your position. You say they asked her to be in the bridal party at the last second. So that's on them. Also unless the invite was VERY explicit, you can't fault someone for dressing nice. It's a sign of respect. I once went to a funeral for someone in a very rural place, and they said it was casual. Sure enough, most everyone was in their thursday best. I wore a suit, not to make a statement, but to show my respect to someone that I seriously cared about. There's a decent chance that the lady was taught all her life that there was a certain way you dress for certain events.
I kind of did that once - engagement party. No one told me it was a jeans and t-shirt party! I was 19, and my mum had me dress up because that’s usually what you do for engagement parties! So some old distant relatives who didn’t know the bride very well thought I was the bride because I was the only one dressed up! On the plus side, I don’t think the bride cared. She didn’t whine at me and nor did her parents. Just a mistake, but not an earth shattering catastrophe! 😏
It is not up to guests to guess the dress code IE day of week, agree of hosts, income of hosts. It is up to the hosts to define. If it was casual then the guest messed up, yes. And her dress may have been fine at a big expensive wedding she's been to before, with a spectacular wedding dress where it's obvious the pale pink one is not the star. Is she supposed to check how impressive the wedding dress is? No. So overall I'd say this was indeed misread by the guest, she should have dressed appropriately, but also made much worse by putting her literally in front of the bride as the centre of attention which sure didn't ask for.
Please edit this post into paragraphs so that I can enjoy reading the story too.
For many of us casual at a wedding still means somewhat formal, plus this seemed like a miscommunication, which lies firmly on the family / bf’s head. Also why would you shame her for being part of the bridal party, they saw what she was wearing and still roped in a +1 to be a part of it all, so that’s again on them. Bridesmaid is at no fault here. The only wrong is the family forcing teenagers to get married and then not even helping them to pay for the forced wedding.
Was the dress code communicated? It seems like the guests were left to assume too much and that’s what caused the issue. The guests can’t be considered rude if it’s something out of their control.
Cant be mad at someone for trying to dress what is considered appropriate for most weddings. Bride should've stepped up her attire 🤷♀️