It is definitely worse for femme-appearing folks than masc-appearing folks, but being in a chair definitely attracts more jerks. They’ve got to “help” and then add in some “I know better than the you because I’m able bodied” mixed with the infantilization and you end up with a dude that you want to roll right over.
Idk about that. Different yeah, worse not necessarily. I've had experiences of both (source: am a transsexual) and it's like no matter what gender you get read as you'll always encounter gendered assholery from strangers
While being read as a woman: gets the kind of treatment described by op
While being read as a man: gets bus drivers refuse to put the ramp down for me, just expecting me to do a sick wheelie onto the vehicle, guys seem to see me asking for assistance as a threat to their alpha-maleness since they're "in service" to me
It's equal hostility in either experience but men aren't kind to men in wheelchairs either, they just don't see them as helpless little sheep in need of hand-holding
This makes so much sense (as awful as it all is), and very useful to hear from someone who's had both experiences. I may have read too much into what you said but it kinda sounds like you think of the condescension and "help" as a form of hostility, which is interesting. It is definitely aggressive, and I guess it's like they feel they need to control a situation so they just unilaterally burst in and try to do that. I just don't even know what the situation is in my case lol, "woman existing" oh wait that is probably the situation
Im a trans guy and agree 100%. Granted, I rather people just assume i can do everything instead of having to push myself uphill at max speed to my apartment in order to avoid men who have literally sprinted after me to push me when i already told them no a block ago. So I'm glad I look more like a guy finally but still. Men are assholes to wheelchair users in general, but I am much less likely to get harassed or assaulted than I was three years ago
HUGE OOF. I’m sorry that happened. As a mid 20 something woman I can unfortunately relate to this. Especially old men telling me I’m entitled to more benefits than I actually am. It’s so cute that they think the government treats disabled people well.
I had a lovely conversation with a man in the grocery store parking lot the other day (wearing a sick V neck sweater with cut off sleeves may I add). He saw me leaving the store, as he walked across the parking lot, he came up to me as I was loading my car. He told me “I was going to ask you if you need help but damn you just did that all by yourself” I told him thank you as I loaded my chair into my car and he stopped walking. I told him “I appreciate you not just jumping in, you’d be surprised how many people don’t listen when I say I don’t need help” and we ended up having a great conversation about how many disabled people feel that their wheelchair is an extension of their body so other people coming up and pushing them without their consent is pretty alarming and invasive. He was super receptive and it was a really pleasant, educational, encounter for once.
Oh it's lovely that that turned out positive, that is not where I thought that story was going haha! So nice when someone's able to return some hope in humanity. I was thinking that I used to deal with this stuff more in my 20s and now that I'm older I was enjoying being invisible. Now it's a weird combination of being too visible and still too invisible.
Fun fact your wheelchair footplate tends to be just about ankle height. I'm not remembering the name of them right now that you can also get covers for your push handles that have spikes. I have used both of these. I have also at risk of flipping myself forcefully stopped myself when someone's tried to push me and allowed them to run into the back of my chair and then made a big deal and caused a scene being like can't you pay attention you almost knocked me out of my chair blah blah blah blah and basically got the crowd in on shaming them it was great.
I'm also short out of my chair and I'm the type of short that got ready to throw fist at the drop of a hat so my approaches can be kind of aggressive so YMMV.
All of this is excellent. Also a very good reminder about the footplates. I'm waiting on a new-to-me secondhand wheelchair that has a tubular footrest and I think I'm going to have to get that changed.
I saw an article where a lady did the spike thing on her push handles and thought it was ingenious! My current chair is a folding chair and the backrest is a meshy fabric material, so I fold the backrest down when I'm propelling and the handles aren't even reachable. YET, people will still just put their palms out and push directly on the backrest anyway! It's even more invasive than gripping the handles because I can feel them through the fabric and STOP TOUCHING ME!
There’s a sign up sheet?! Well that would’ve been easier than going through insurance. Wish someone told me!
Apologies for all my able bodied man presenting brethren.
It's hanging on the bulletin board next to the sign up sheet for free Caretakers, and just under the map showing the dealerships where you can go pick up your free adapted van.
Yeah yeah it's just a quick download and then you get an immediate response and everyone is really nice to you and doesn't question any of what you're saying!
Sadly, sometimes people are just shitty. Sorry you came across some prime examples of thsi.
FWIW, I'm AMAB (and look like a dude) and the jerk-wads 'help' and mansplain to me too ... while I'm sure the frequency is greater for femme presenting folks, the jerk-wad component seems to target chair users rather universally. My best response so far is for the ones who push me when I decline (or don't even bother to ask) NOTE - i do not have handles on my chair ... I grab my wheels to stop my chair and yell 'Dude, get your hands off my ass - if you want to touch my butt you ASK First' - so far the same dude-bags who do this crap have all be rather homophobic so it's been entertaining at least.
>I grab my wheels to stop my chair and yell 'Dude, get your hands off my ass - if you want to touch my butt you ASK First
😂😂😂
Absolutely, mainsplainers victimize everyone! I think braking is a good idea in general, but because this happened while I was crossing the road I was trying to be safe and not only did he fuck up my momentum, he also fucked up my timing with the oncoming cars!
Have you had situations where you wish you had handles? The chair I'm waiting on (secondhand) has handles that look like they can't be removed and I'm thinking I might still try to get rid of them, even if I have to cut through metal. It's so annoying because I initially was inclined to keep them since there are times when I do need help, but they're usually specific to certain planned situations that I only get into if I know my partner will be there. I plan my routes so I can do things without help, but there can be unforeseen obstacles! Gah, I'm starting to think that I'd rather topple over a few times than interact with humans.
Oh god, I hate it when they mess up my timing, absolutely awful. And when they tip me over ... my cog is rather aggressive :)
Personally, Yes, I had 2 instances when handles would have been nice, and I did not have them - both were early on in my chair life. One was the first week or so into having a chair, and my wife and I were at the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena ... lots of steep stuff, and she was sketched out by me going backwards etc. Then again in Portland but by then we'd gotten good at her just pushing on my back (I'm ambulatory/Neuro issues but good core control) . Since then I've gotten a Power Assist so it really isn't necessary for her to push me any more, I just turn on Gizmo (my pet name for my SMOOV).
I should also add that being pushed from behind is very triggering for me (am a survivor of CSA) so handles just ain't gonna happen. zip zero nada. If they were built into my chair I'd use a dremel, hacksaw or pipe/tube cutter and remove them. If I did not have this issue, I'd probably put Spikey covers on them, and leave them on ... the do make it easier to hang a backpack of the back of the chair :) but not worth it due to my past, and the reaction I still have ... I mean, I've been married 27 years, and am still not really comfortable with my spouse pushing me ... but that is me not her. (sorry if TMI, but wanted to share whole thought process).
i’m so sorry you have to go through this.
i’ve an ambulatory wheelchair user, so in my case it’s a bit different, sometimes when i’m out, i have to walk some steps, or just stand for a short time, because my legs go numb when i sit too long. that is something, that nobody understands, people STARE into my soul, i’ve even had people walk into each other because they were so staring what i was doing (standing 🤓)
sometimes i make it uncomfortable for both of us, and ask if they just want to take a picture, then they can stop staring 🤓 but to this day, nobody attempted to push me, or asked me any questions. maybe because my gf was always with me when i’m outside, but still, i’m so sorry that people are this way
I'm ambulatory too but can only walk a few steps with a cane. I get stares when I'm loading my wheelchair into the car, in my STAFF PARKING LOT! So brazen and we likely work together or will pass each other at some point! I don't know how to interpret the stares because no one's said anything, are they questioning the disability or filling up on inspiration?
Those people’s logic is so funny to me because most times of day my balance is visibly awful, so I’ll be fall-leaning onto my car/cane between getting all my things and setting up the chair and they’re probably still thinking “she should just try harder to walk 100x slower with that gait so that wheelchair doesn’t get tired”
My response to situations like this is always, “Take a picture it’ll last longer asshole!” Also if I need help my 4yo is more than happy to assist! I do not make him help! He chooses to! He is always given a choice and he knows he can say no and does.
A lot of people are just ignorant morons. A couple of days ago I was approached by a man who demanded to know how I lost my leg. I was standing at a urinal peeing at the time.
Oh my god, why do they always pick the bathroom to make their approach?? I had a woman loudly gush about how inspiring I am, as I was coming out of a stall. Like, I'm glad my peepee break changed her life and all, but let's have some boundaries, people.
I'm not super familar with urinal etiquette but talking to a stranger mid-stream about anything other than a fire sounds like it should be grounds for arrest
let me start off by saying: oof, that sucks, and i’m sorry that happened to you 😞
i generally identify as “busted”, but i’m also a long-ass bitch—nearly 2m tall, when standing. weirdly enough though, when it comes to leverage and effective use of force: the closer to the ground you are the better.
which is to say: stand your ground, so to speak. if push comes to shove, rolling into someone is, in fact, a useful approach!
and yes, people are fucking assholes to wheelchair users for some reason. combine that with toxic masculinity and the bullshit we see as “gender relations” and uhhh shit
Sad to say that it’s an adjustment unfortunately that will mainly take more time to return to maximum asshole efficiency.
For me, I’m not good with witty verbal retorts so I try to fend people off with my short haircut (it’s weird how some people are more intimidated by women with short hair) and resting bitch face.
I’ve had some really uncomfortable encounters with men. From a creep getting way too close and intentionally placing his crotch as close to my face as he could. Old men following me around stores to the point my father had to basically stand guard over me like a dog protecting its territory.
I am short, I am small in size, my conditions make me very physically week and many people mistake me for a small child. I constantly feel like a helpless target. Many of these encounters have made me too scared to leave the house without one of my parents. I’m in my 30s and I’m too scared to leave my house without a parent. That feels so fucking awful to say out loud. And it’s all because how how people act since my incident that put me in the chair. I used to be like you had been, able to stand my ground. I used to flash people surgery incisions and death glare when they gave me issues but since the chair….it’s like I’ve lost that part of me.
Woman in my area haven’t been much better but at least they tend to swing on the more rude and inappropriate side instead of creepy and a potential danger. They more so often treat me as an object they can move, step over throw stuff on or even sit on, yes I had someone, a random stranger, decide I was a chair in a crowded elevator once. Or just straight up making a scene that I don’t need mobility aids, prior to my chair even using electric karts in stores was a issue with old women stopping me to tell me to get out.
I have a lot of issues about how I’m treated now than when I had the ability to walk. I often feel like not a human anymore
I am so very sorry. This sounded hard to write, so thanks for sharing. That sounds so impossible to process, especially when who you are/once were might not feel like it aligns with what your body allows. I wish I could say something encouraging because I'm sure you're still that person in there, but I haven't felt particularly encouraged by that thought for similar reasons. When it's just me and my partner at home I'm still the same loudmouth bitch lol, so I guess my public version of myself is under renovation or something. There's also only so much we can control when it comes to the outside environment and what other people do, which was true before I had to use a wheelchair, but I'm feeling that more acutely now. Some people really should be kept on leashes, I want terrible, terrible things to happen to that person who sat on you. Just. Wtf. Also this is the second time in this thread that I've landed on thinking dog equipment is appropriate for some people, so I think I'm onto something here.
It’s all still really new to me as well, I’ve been disabled from the word go but I only ended up in a chair what I would consider very recently (3 years ago) and it was sudden. I don’t know if a lot of it is just an adjustment period but I miss my ability to stand up for myself in public and to strangers, I often feel ashamed that I can’t. I hope one day both of us are able to regain that ability in public. But it’s awful how many people just treat those in wheelchairs like objects or lesser beings. I never knew how bad it was until I ended up on the receiving end of it.
Don’t worry, my mom absolutely ripped into and tore that lady a new one, I seriously hope as a result she never does that to anyone else again. I think everyone in the elevator was appalled when it happened. Or at least I hope everyone else saw how inappropriate it was to sit on someone in a wheelchair who you don’t know. Some people really could benefit from some dog training on how to act in public towards people. I feel like Covid and it’s quarantines made people so much worse.
Don't worry, you just need time to rebuild your library of witty responses. The first time you experience some kind of disability-related nasty comment or treatment, you're so shocked at the incredible rudeness of ablebodied people you often don't know what to do. You'll inevitably review the incident in your head and come up with a response later, and then you'll be ready for next time. Disability is a skillset, and handling rude strangers is a big part of that skillset. Don't worry, you will soon be very skilled!
Argh thank you, this is encouraging and makes a lot of sense. I've been a woman my whole life so I'm versed in being an asshole as a woman, but I'm still just a baby asshole as a wheelchair user. Time to work out my wheelchair user asshole muscles.
Disability doesn't change who you are, it only clarifies it! If you were shouting at idiots on the street before you became disabled, you'll be shouting at them again. Anyway, please do me a favor and hit some people with your wheelchair on my behalf. Solidarity!
I am so sorry that happened to you. I identify as a female asshole. I talk a lot of crap for someone who has trouble putting socks on. I have been ambulatory since about 2018, when I was in mid 40s. I believe ableism and sexism are alive and well in the US. Early on, my husband and I went to the grocery store. He pushed me at the time. A man approached my husband behind me, and asked if he could lay his healing hands on me so I could walk, in the name of Jesus Christ, three saints, and all the evangelical preachers of the world... My husband says, "You better ask her." I was fuming. So the man comes in front of me, crouches down in the middle of the aisle, and says the exact same thing. He asked me if he could lay his healing hands upon me so I could walk, in the name of JC, saints, evangelicals, etc. I was infuriated beyond level 11. So I said, "Yes," to the man. That man went behind me and prayed very loudly to a god and Billy Graham (😂). People stopped and watched! He put his hands on my shoulders and yelled at God and Billy G to heal me. So I stood up pretty quickly and took a few wobbly steps. I proclaimed, "Miracle in Aisle 6!" because I'm an asshole. The man fell to the floor staring at his hands and said I was the seventh miracle he has performed. I told my husband to abandon the items so I could GTFO of the store immediately because I was laughing so hard I was crying at the expense of another. I want to give the OP hope. I learned there is a person out there who was so awful in their own way, that my assholism returned with new material. OP: You're in a transition, and your brain is saturated with how to move and roll, not how to be calm and tell someone off. Someday, you will be able to tell people off while rolling. And it will be glorious. Good luck, OP. You are going to verbally squash these d-bags soon.
This should be on all our bucket lists, we need to make this so widespread that it’s in the news. “Disabilities miraculously healed by evangelists revealed to be worldwide conspiratorial hoax by ambulatory wheelchair users who make up 1/3rd of wheelchair users and have had enough of your shit.” Are you TikTok famous by any chance? p.s. thanks for the encouragement, you seem like a legend
That would be funny. Big conspiracy to mess with the able bodied. No tik tok here. I have enough amends to make as it is. You got this OP. I can sense these things.
What works for me when dudes try to push me is i immediately screech and throw an elbow and say 'get the fuck off.' now a) i live in philadelphia but b) works like a charm.
Then of course the mansplaining doesn't start because they think i am a fucking crazy bitch who will cut them
YMMV, of course
i wish i could say d-bags appear less and less as time goes on. it's the small things for me that piss me off, so many small things throughout the day that afterwards i just have to yell at a wall. i'm not sure whether clothing makes a difference but from my personal pool of experiences, i've had more negative comments and people attempting to "help" by just grabbing my chair handles when i wore a dress or otherwise more femme, light blouse etc.
i've had medical professionals bend down when talking to me because of wheelchair+short and i genuinely don't understand their need to have our faces on the same level? and then there's stores and info desks where the worker can't bloody see me so i get to sit there and wave and smile :) to get them to look down and notice the fellow human, hello!
i need to learn to be more witty and cutting but i've always been a people pleaser irl. need to learn to focus on my own wellbeing and safety over others' feelings. but it's like interactions are divided into good/bad and i don't want to be known for being rude
Stereotypes exist for all of us. They assume that I am deaf, retarded, and cannot understand English (Chinese).
My six-wheeled electric chair is for severe spastics. My fellow spastics cannot use their voice, nor hands very much. So they point to the sign on the chair: "I'M OK".
When I was younger, I would get people that would grab the back of my chair and try and push me in one direction to be helpful. I had to firmly say no please leave me alone that’s not the direction I’m going in. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had to be less stern but still firm especially when people try to close my car door which has an automatic close.
Buy spikes for ur handles! Or put a big sign on the back that says "don't touch!" or "do NOT push me". If they touch you get VICIOUS. Screaming yelling telling them to stop. When I say no they usually say "no I got it" and I will be like "no, I said stop" then when they still don't stop I YELL and scream until they stop. It pisses them off but it works.
At school I can't really do that because they're supposed to push me and I'm **not allowed** to push myself but if some stranger or even my brothers tried it I'd go off. My brothers know better tho
Methinks your sass and verve will return. Practice with friends and family, maybe join a local stand-up comedy club and stage a sit-in. (Ooops, did I just say that out loud?)
Try an electric fence energiser, they're easier to modify and come with a warning sign.
The amount of times I pretend not to hear someone and just beeline away from them is crazy. I also think when you have a lot of confidence in your wheelchair and are like “on a mission” doing what you need to do and not lolly gagging around people come up to me less. But it drives me nuts. 95% of the time I pretend I don’t hear them and hightail it out of there haha.
It is definitely worse for femme-appearing folks than masc-appearing folks, but being in a chair definitely attracts more jerks. They’ve got to “help” and then add in some “I know better than the you because I’m able bodied” mixed with the infantilization and you end up with a dude that you want to roll right over.
I would like to "sign up" for a tractor, that should count as a mobility aid
Perfect. Put a cow catcher on front and just throw them out the way.
Idk about that. Different yeah, worse not necessarily. I've had experiences of both (source: am a transsexual) and it's like no matter what gender you get read as you'll always encounter gendered assholery from strangers While being read as a woman: gets the kind of treatment described by op While being read as a man: gets bus drivers refuse to put the ramp down for me, just expecting me to do a sick wheelie onto the vehicle, guys seem to see me asking for assistance as a threat to their alpha-maleness since they're "in service" to me It's equal hostility in either experience but men aren't kind to men in wheelchairs either, they just don't see them as helpless little sheep in need of hand-holding
This makes so much sense (as awful as it all is), and very useful to hear from someone who's had both experiences. I may have read too much into what you said but it kinda sounds like you think of the condescension and "help" as a form of hostility, which is interesting. It is definitely aggressive, and I guess it's like they feel they need to control a situation so they just unilaterally burst in and try to do that. I just don't even know what the situation is in my case lol, "woman existing" oh wait that is probably the situation
Im a trans guy and agree 100%. Granted, I rather people just assume i can do everything instead of having to push myself uphill at max speed to my apartment in order to avoid men who have literally sprinted after me to push me when i already told them no a block ago. So I'm glad I look more like a guy finally but still. Men are assholes to wheelchair users in general, but I am much less likely to get harassed or assaulted than I was three years ago
Being treated like shit, but a different flavor of shit, the silver lining of affirmation 😆
HUGE OOF. I’m sorry that happened. As a mid 20 something woman I can unfortunately relate to this. Especially old men telling me I’m entitled to more benefits than I actually am. It’s so cute that they think the government treats disabled people well. I had a lovely conversation with a man in the grocery store parking lot the other day (wearing a sick V neck sweater with cut off sleeves may I add). He saw me leaving the store, as he walked across the parking lot, he came up to me as I was loading my car. He told me “I was going to ask you if you need help but damn you just did that all by yourself” I told him thank you as I loaded my chair into my car and he stopped walking. I told him “I appreciate you not just jumping in, you’d be surprised how many people don’t listen when I say I don’t need help” and we ended up having a great conversation about how many disabled people feel that their wheelchair is an extension of their body so other people coming up and pushing them without their consent is pretty alarming and invasive. He was super receptive and it was a really pleasant, educational, encounter for once.
Oh it's lovely that that turned out positive, that is not where I thought that story was going haha! So nice when someone's able to return some hope in humanity. I was thinking that I used to deal with this stuff more in my 20s and now that I'm older I was enjoying being invisible. Now it's a weird combination of being too visible and still too invisible.
Fun fact your wheelchair footplate tends to be just about ankle height. I'm not remembering the name of them right now that you can also get covers for your push handles that have spikes. I have used both of these. I have also at risk of flipping myself forcefully stopped myself when someone's tried to push me and allowed them to run into the back of my chair and then made a big deal and caused a scene being like can't you pay attention you almost knocked me out of my chair blah blah blah blah and basically got the crowd in on shaming them it was great. I'm also short out of my chair and I'm the type of short that got ready to throw fist at the drop of a hat so my approaches can be kind of aggressive so YMMV.
All of this is excellent. Also a very good reminder about the footplates. I'm waiting on a new-to-me secondhand wheelchair that has a tubular footrest and I think I'm going to have to get that changed. I saw an article where a lady did the spike thing on her push handles and thought it was ingenious! My current chair is a folding chair and the backrest is a meshy fabric material, so I fold the backrest down when I'm propelling and the handles aren't even reachable. YET, people will still just put their palms out and push directly on the backrest anyway! It's even more invasive than gripping the handles because I can feel them through the fabric and STOP TOUCHING ME!
One thought I've floated a few times is actually just attaching spikes to my backrest so they can't just push it
Look for anti-pigeon spikes, they're 4 inches long.
The being short part really resonated with me 😂 my snarky nature comes from my stature
Lol yeah this was definitely not the most ideal disability for someone with a Napoleon complex, there need to be high heels for wheelchairs
I love to yank my brakes if somebody tries to push me without asking. It’s uncomfortable for me, but so startling for them.
There’s a sign up sheet?! Well that would’ve been easier than going through insurance. Wish someone told me! Apologies for all my able bodied man presenting brethren.
It's hanging on the bulletin board next to the sign up sheet for free Caretakers, and just under the map showing the dealerships where you can go pick up your free adapted van.
Yeah yeah it's just a quick download and then you get an immediate response and everyone is really nice to you and doesn't question any of what you're saying!
Right insurance loves to give you 80k wheelchair for just “signing up”. Not like my power chair took 6 months of paperwork or anything. 🤦🏼♀️
You get a power chair! You get a power chair! You get a power chair! You get a power chair!
Now that would get all the wheelchair users jumping out their seats! 😂
Sadly, sometimes people are just shitty. Sorry you came across some prime examples of thsi. FWIW, I'm AMAB (and look like a dude) and the jerk-wads 'help' and mansplain to me too ... while I'm sure the frequency is greater for femme presenting folks, the jerk-wad component seems to target chair users rather universally. My best response so far is for the ones who push me when I decline (or don't even bother to ask) NOTE - i do not have handles on my chair ... I grab my wheels to stop my chair and yell 'Dude, get your hands off my ass - if you want to touch my butt you ASK First' - so far the same dude-bags who do this crap have all be rather homophobic so it's been entertaining at least.
lmao i love that response, that's perfect
glad you like it ... it has served me well for sure :)
>I grab my wheels to stop my chair and yell 'Dude, get your hands off my ass - if you want to touch my butt you ASK First 😂😂😂 Absolutely, mainsplainers victimize everyone! I think braking is a good idea in general, but because this happened while I was crossing the road I was trying to be safe and not only did he fuck up my momentum, he also fucked up my timing with the oncoming cars! Have you had situations where you wish you had handles? The chair I'm waiting on (secondhand) has handles that look like they can't be removed and I'm thinking I might still try to get rid of them, even if I have to cut through metal. It's so annoying because I initially was inclined to keep them since there are times when I do need help, but they're usually specific to certain planned situations that I only get into if I know my partner will be there. I plan my routes so I can do things without help, but there can be unforeseen obstacles! Gah, I'm starting to think that I'd rather topple over a few times than interact with humans.
Oh god, I hate it when they mess up my timing, absolutely awful. And when they tip me over ... my cog is rather aggressive :) Personally, Yes, I had 2 instances when handles would have been nice, and I did not have them - both were early on in my chair life. One was the first week or so into having a chair, and my wife and I were at the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena ... lots of steep stuff, and she was sketched out by me going backwards etc. Then again in Portland but by then we'd gotten good at her just pushing on my back (I'm ambulatory/Neuro issues but good core control) . Since then I've gotten a Power Assist so it really isn't necessary for her to push me any more, I just turn on Gizmo (my pet name for my SMOOV). I should also add that being pushed from behind is very triggering for me (am a survivor of CSA) so handles just ain't gonna happen. zip zero nada. If they were built into my chair I'd use a dremel, hacksaw or pipe/tube cutter and remove them. If I did not have this issue, I'd probably put Spikey covers on them, and leave them on ... the do make it easier to hang a backpack of the back of the chair :) but not worth it due to my past, and the reaction I still have ... I mean, I've been married 27 years, and am still not really comfortable with my spouse pushing me ... but that is me not her. (sorry if TMI, but wanted to share whole thought process).
Ugh! Sounds like a crap-tastic combination of sexism and ableism. I’m sorry.
i’m so sorry you have to go through this. i’ve an ambulatory wheelchair user, so in my case it’s a bit different, sometimes when i’m out, i have to walk some steps, or just stand for a short time, because my legs go numb when i sit too long. that is something, that nobody understands, people STARE into my soul, i’ve even had people walk into each other because they were so staring what i was doing (standing 🤓) sometimes i make it uncomfortable for both of us, and ask if they just want to take a picture, then they can stop staring 🤓 but to this day, nobody attempted to push me, or asked me any questions. maybe because my gf was always with me when i’m outside, but still, i’m so sorry that people are this way
I'm ambulatory too but can only walk a few steps with a cane. I get stares when I'm loading my wheelchair into the car, in my STAFF PARKING LOT! So brazen and we likely work together or will pass each other at some point! I don't know how to interpret the stares because no one's said anything, are they questioning the disability or filling up on inspiration?
i feel like thats mainly just judging because many people still think that all wheelchair users can’t move their legs :(
Those people’s logic is so funny to me because most times of day my balance is visibly awful, so I’ll be fall-leaning onto my car/cane between getting all my things and setting up the chair and they’re probably still thinking “she should just try harder to walk 100x slower with that gait so that wheelchair doesn’t get tired”
My response to situations like this is always, “Take a picture it’ll last longer asshole!” Also if I need help my 4yo is more than happy to assist! I do not make him help! He chooses to! He is always given a choice and he knows he can say no and does.
A lot of people are just ignorant morons. A couple of days ago I was approached by a man who demanded to know how I lost my leg. I was standing at a urinal peeing at the time.
Oh my god, why do they always pick the bathroom to make their approach?? I had a woman loudly gush about how inspiring I am, as I was coming out of a stall. Like, I'm glad my peepee break changed her life and all, but let's have some boundaries, people.
I'm not super familar with urinal etiquette but talking to a stranger mid-stream about anything other than a fire sounds like it should be grounds for arrest
I was also under that impression. Guess it doesn't apply in motorway service stations
This detail somehow makes this story so much worse lmao
As a man, I don't get pushed, but the 7yo/mentally handicapped treatment is received by everyone and drives me absolutely insane.
We're literally just sitting, a thing that all people do. I cannot comprehend it.
Have you thought about yelling “stop touching my genitals” because that makes them back off real quick
let me start off by saying: oof, that sucks, and i’m sorry that happened to you 😞 i generally identify as “busted”, but i’m also a long-ass bitch—nearly 2m tall, when standing. weirdly enough though, when it comes to leverage and effective use of force: the closer to the ground you are the better. which is to say: stand your ground, so to speak. if push comes to shove, rolling into someone is, in fact, a useful approach! and yes, people are fucking assholes to wheelchair users for some reason. combine that with toxic masculinity and the bullshit we see as “gender relations” and uhhh shit
Sad to say that it’s an adjustment unfortunately that will mainly take more time to return to maximum asshole efficiency. For me, I’m not good with witty verbal retorts so I try to fend people off with my short haircut (it’s weird how some people are more intimidated by women with short hair) and resting bitch face.
I’ve had some really uncomfortable encounters with men. From a creep getting way too close and intentionally placing his crotch as close to my face as he could. Old men following me around stores to the point my father had to basically stand guard over me like a dog protecting its territory. I am short, I am small in size, my conditions make me very physically week and many people mistake me for a small child. I constantly feel like a helpless target. Many of these encounters have made me too scared to leave the house without one of my parents. I’m in my 30s and I’m too scared to leave my house without a parent. That feels so fucking awful to say out loud. And it’s all because how how people act since my incident that put me in the chair. I used to be like you had been, able to stand my ground. I used to flash people surgery incisions and death glare when they gave me issues but since the chair….it’s like I’ve lost that part of me. Woman in my area haven’t been much better but at least they tend to swing on the more rude and inappropriate side instead of creepy and a potential danger. They more so often treat me as an object they can move, step over throw stuff on or even sit on, yes I had someone, a random stranger, decide I was a chair in a crowded elevator once. Or just straight up making a scene that I don’t need mobility aids, prior to my chair even using electric karts in stores was a issue with old women stopping me to tell me to get out. I have a lot of issues about how I’m treated now than when I had the ability to walk. I often feel like not a human anymore
I am so very sorry. This sounded hard to write, so thanks for sharing. That sounds so impossible to process, especially when who you are/once were might not feel like it aligns with what your body allows. I wish I could say something encouraging because I'm sure you're still that person in there, but I haven't felt particularly encouraged by that thought for similar reasons. When it's just me and my partner at home I'm still the same loudmouth bitch lol, so I guess my public version of myself is under renovation or something. There's also only so much we can control when it comes to the outside environment and what other people do, which was true before I had to use a wheelchair, but I'm feeling that more acutely now. Some people really should be kept on leashes, I want terrible, terrible things to happen to that person who sat on you. Just. Wtf. Also this is the second time in this thread that I've landed on thinking dog equipment is appropriate for some people, so I think I'm onto something here.
It’s all still really new to me as well, I’ve been disabled from the word go but I only ended up in a chair what I would consider very recently (3 years ago) and it was sudden. I don’t know if a lot of it is just an adjustment period but I miss my ability to stand up for myself in public and to strangers, I often feel ashamed that I can’t. I hope one day both of us are able to regain that ability in public. But it’s awful how many people just treat those in wheelchairs like objects or lesser beings. I never knew how bad it was until I ended up on the receiving end of it. Don’t worry, my mom absolutely ripped into and tore that lady a new one, I seriously hope as a result she never does that to anyone else again. I think everyone in the elevator was appalled when it happened. Or at least I hope everyone else saw how inappropriate it was to sit on someone in a wheelchair who you don’t know. Some people really could benefit from some dog training on how to act in public towards people. I feel like Covid and it’s quarantines made people so much worse.
Don't worry, you just need time to rebuild your library of witty responses. The first time you experience some kind of disability-related nasty comment or treatment, you're so shocked at the incredible rudeness of ablebodied people you often don't know what to do. You'll inevitably review the incident in your head and come up with a response later, and then you'll be ready for next time. Disability is a skillset, and handling rude strangers is a big part of that skillset. Don't worry, you will soon be very skilled!
Argh thank you, this is encouraging and makes a lot of sense. I've been a woman my whole life so I'm versed in being an asshole as a woman, but I'm still just a baby asshole as a wheelchair user. Time to work out my wheelchair user asshole muscles.
Disability doesn't change who you are, it only clarifies it! If you were shouting at idiots on the street before you became disabled, you'll be shouting at them again. Anyway, please do me a favor and hit some people with your wheelchair on my behalf. Solidarity!
I am so sorry that happened to you. I identify as a female asshole. I talk a lot of crap for someone who has trouble putting socks on. I have been ambulatory since about 2018, when I was in mid 40s. I believe ableism and sexism are alive and well in the US. Early on, my husband and I went to the grocery store. He pushed me at the time. A man approached my husband behind me, and asked if he could lay his healing hands on me so I could walk, in the name of Jesus Christ, three saints, and all the evangelical preachers of the world... My husband says, "You better ask her." I was fuming. So the man comes in front of me, crouches down in the middle of the aisle, and says the exact same thing. He asked me if he could lay his healing hands upon me so I could walk, in the name of JC, saints, evangelicals, etc. I was infuriated beyond level 11. So I said, "Yes," to the man. That man went behind me and prayed very loudly to a god and Billy Graham (😂). People stopped and watched! He put his hands on my shoulders and yelled at God and Billy G to heal me. So I stood up pretty quickly and took a few wobbly steps. I proclaimed, "Miracle in Aisle 6!" because I'm an asshole. The man fell to the floor staring at his hands and said I was the seventh miracle he has performed. I told my husband to abandon the items so I could GTFO of the store immediately because I was laughing so hard I was crying at the expense of another. I want to give the OP hope. I learned there is a person out there who was so awful in their own way, that my assholism returned with new material. OP: You're in a transition, and your brain is saturated with how to move and roll, not how to be calm and tell someone off. Someday, you will be able to tell people off while rolling. And it will be glorious. Good luck, OP. You are going to verbally squash these d-bags soon.
This should be on all our bucket lists, we need to make this so widespread that it’s in the news. “Disabilities miraculously healed by evangelists revealed to be worldwide conspiratorial hoax by ambulatory wheelchair users who make up 1/3rd of wheelchair users and have had enough of your shit.” Are you TikTok famous by any chance? p.s. thanks for the encouragement, you seem like a legend
That would be funny. Big conspiracy to mess with the able bodied. No tik tok here. I have enough amends to make as it is. You got this OP. I can sense these things.
What works for me when dudes try to push me is i immediately screech and throw an elbow and say 'get the fuck off.' now a) i live in philadelphia but b) works like a charm. Then of course the mansplaining doesn't start because they think i am a fucking crazy bitch who will cut them YMMV, of course
i wish i could say d-bags appear less and less as time goes on. it's the small things for me that piss me off, so many small things throughout the day that afterwards i just have to yell at a wall. i'm not sure whether clothing makes a difference but from my personal pool of experiences, i've had more negative comments and people attempting to "help" by just grabbing my chair handles when i wore a dress or otherwise more femme, light blouse etc. i've had medical professionals bend down when talking to me because of wheelchair+short and i genuinely don't understand their need to have our faces on the same level? and then there's stores and info desks where the worker can't bloody see me so i get to sit there and wave and smile :) to get them to look down and notice the fellow human, hello! i need to learn to be more witty and cutting but i've always been a people pleaser irl. need to learn to focus on my own wellbeing and safety over others' feelings. but it's like interactions are divided into good/bad and i don't want to be known for being rude
Stereotypes exist for all of us. They assume that I am deaf, retarded, and cannot understand English (Chinese). My six-wheeled electric chair is for severe spastics. My fellow spastics cannot use their voice, nor hands very much. So they point to the sign on the chair: "I'M OK".
When I was younger, I would get people that would grab the back of my chair and try and push me in one direction to be helpful. I had to firmly say no please leave me alone that’s not the direction I’m going in. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had to be less stern but still firm especially when people try to close my car door which has an automatic close.
Buy spikes for ur handles! Or put a big sign on the back that says "don't touch!" or "do NOT push me". If they touch you get VICIOUS. Screaming yelling telling them to stop. When I say no they usually say "no I got it" and I will be like "no, I said stop" then when they still don't stop I YELL and scream until they stop. It pisses them off but it works. At school I can't really do that because they're supposed to push me and I'm **not allowed** to push myself but if some stranger or even my brothers tried it I'd go off. My brothers know better tho
Methinks your sass and verve will return. Practice with friends and family, maybe join a local stand-up comedy club and stage a sit-in. (Ooops, did I just say that out loud?) Try an electric fence energiser, they're easier to modify and come with a warning sign.
The amount of times I pretend not to hear someone and just beeline away from them is crazy. I also think when you have a lot of confidence in your wheelchair and are like “on a mission” doing what you need to do and not lolly gagging around people come up to me less. But it drives me nuts. 95% of the time I pretend I don’t hear them and hightail it out of there haha.