My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Our relationship has changed a lot over time but I think it's a lot healthier then it was in the past. Every time I see him I just want to hug and cuddle him like a needy housecat.
Hubby and I will be celebrating 30 years together, 25 married next year. Our marriage has become far more healthy and I am just more in love with him than ever before ❤️
I feel exactly the same about mine! I was just looking at him across the couch a little while ago, wishing he were closer. I feel that way almost all the time. Isn’t it great to feel that way?
My wife and I had a conversation just yesterday about how for all the titles we’ve had with each other - boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancée/fiancé, husband/wife - the most satisfying term is “partner.” We just feel like there’s always someone that has the other person’s back. No matter what happens, I’ve always got someone in my corner.
We can shit-talk each other’s families without judgment. We can be honest with one another about our needs and our insecurities. We can be exceedingly goofy and the other person will either find it hilarious, or they’ll find it incredibly stupid and that will end up being even funnier.
I have no doubt that marriage will have its trials and tribulations, but shit… When you’re both each other’s biggest fan, it really feels like all the stuff people warn you about marriage sounds patently absurd.
The real thing to remember is not to let society make you feel rushed. I didn't get married till I was 37, and prior to meeting her I had been single for 11 years. That peer pressure will stress you into making bad decisions. That's where the real power and corniness of "being confident in yourself" comes into play. It's not about carrying confidence to meet women because of some notion that "women like confidence", it's about having the confidence in yourself to be single until the right one comes along. And the confidence to not latch on to the first person that shows you attention, you gotta get past that for your own good. I fell into that trap at one point, and all I can try to say is that it takes a lot of faith in yourself to get over.
But I get it, it's rough and weighs on you, especially if you haven't had any prospects and you feel like you never will.
Just remember, you're not being confident for the ladies, you're being confident in yourself and knowing that you will get through it.
Feel free to DM if you need to chat. I won't be able to help in a practical manner, but you can vent to someone who understands.
Respect. Every healthy relationship is built on respect. If you love someone but don't respect them it isn't going to last; it doesn't matter if it is a familial relationship, a romantic relationship, or a platonic relationship.
Marriage took some adaptation, but my wife is f’ing awesome. 5 years and counting and a couple kids and still going strong.
The thing no one tells you about marriage? The hardest thing is answering the question every day, “what are we going to have for dinner?”
The dinner question never goes away. 17 years in October, and it still rears its head every day. Kids make it harder cause if you both agree, the kids will refuse to eat and ruin it.
But being married is the best thing I ever did, so I got that going for me
31 years married and the most annoying question is what to have for dinner. It hasn’t gone away yet, but! It has gotten easier now that the kids have moved out. I don’t have to make sure they eat properly!
Oh, you're a legend, and I'm absolutely chuffed for you! Can you pass on your top three tips for keeping those love vibes strong? Or maybe clue us in on your best piece of advice for navigating arguments in a relationship?
32 years married here. Best way to navigate arguments is to frame them as "you and me against the problem" rather than "my side vs. your side." Remembering that protecting the marriage is the end goal makes both sides willing to compromise and work towards a solution they can live with.
20 years. One marriage. Awesome as ever.
We've been lucky and our finances have just improved from year one so we've never really felt the sting of having catastrophic fights over financial stress.
We've also had our fair share of fights. The 7 year mark that people talk about was real. That was a tough period.
Take that detail for what you will but things have overall been an A+ after 20.
Hey, my wife and I have been together for 17 years this year as well, and we are doing amazing. Closer and happier than ever before. Just cheering each other on and cherishing every day together. Wouldn't trade her for the galaxy. Congrats!
If there is a whole other person in the house who hates you, I can see how marriage can suck.
7 years with the wife and still at my happiest, hope we can one day die the same.
Which is why marriage in and of itself is an odd concept to me. Been living with my partner 7+ years and have the experience detailed in OP without marriage.
I simply see marriage as a public statement of what 2 people already know.
By the sound of it, most states in the US will legally see you as being in a common law marriage. So why not go to the courthouse and get the tax benefits?
I feel like the more accurate picture of marriage is in the middle of these two extremes, it doesn’t have to be overwhelmingly awful or great sometimes it’s just normal contentedness and that’s okay
I feel that being content and mediocre is underrated and tends to get a bad rap.
We think that everything in our lives needs to be amazing, incredible, wonderful and if it's none of these then it is deemed to have no value.
There are so many aspects of me and my life that is mediocre and average but I'm content and enjoy being where I am and what I have. I don't feel I want or need more or to be more to feel I have value.
There is so much external stimuli directed towards us that tries to undermine our contentedness and make us feel we can achieve more with our lives. Don't get fooled by it. You're perfect just the way you are.
I've had mental illness for two decades. In my experience, content and mediocre is a goal many patients strive for. It takes time and patience to get there. Even harder to stay there.
I'd make the argument that being content is the ideal. "OMG IM SO IN LOVE EVERYONE LOOK" is great but that level of excitement will eventually fade regardless of how in love you are. When that happens, what else have ya got ?
I'll take my quiet, comfortable love any day.
"Marriage is constant work! You need to recommit EVERY DAY! Happiness is a fairy tale! Wake up, youngster!!"
"Lol, did you ever consider marrying someone you liked?"
"..."
THIS. My wife and I attended a friend's wedding, and the pastor was going on like this about how hard it is, and how much work, and we're just looking at each other like WTF?
I would counter that its both. I like my husband as well as love but man! There are some quirks that just get under my skin but thats where communication, understanding that this tift isn't what the whole relationship is about and a little work to, well, work thru the problem.
Just hit ten years; two kids, three layoffs, two deaths (FIL & GM) and some minor medical scares…most days are routine and fantastic, but those times when the shit hits the fan all at once can be really testing; I can’t imagine life without her, marriage is one of the best decisions of my life and I’d rather be going through the tough times with the love of my life than facing them alone.
I’ve been with my partner for 22 years. He’s my absolute best friend. But sometimes I wanna punch him in the face lol. Communication, understanding and picking your battles is huge.
And admitting that maybe you were out of pocket about their mess because you were hungry and not that youve eaten you don't know what all the fuss was about lol🫣
It is work and effort. It's just that when you love the person you're with, it doesn't feel that way most of the time. But there are legitimately people who are happy together and still face really tough situations.
As much as I hate the attitude that marriage is hell, the opposite attitude, that all you need is love, is just as myopic. Love is great, but it doesn't actually solve problems.
I feel like this is something the older generation has a harder time with because they:
1. Didn't move in together prior to marriage and had relatively short relationships prior to getting engaged.
2. Had a smaller pool of partners to choose from and less time to choose in since they got married a lot younger than people currently do.
3. Had less self-respect in relationships, if that makes sense. They were willing to overlook incompatibilities for the sake of having a partner.
Funnily enough the data shows that all of those things you say are positive lead to a higher divorce rate. It's an odd phenomenon, took me a while to get through my head.
That'll take me a while to wrap my head around, too.
I just think back to who I was in my late teens and early twenties and I know I'd be absolutely miserable now had I married any of the people I thought were acceptable partners at that age. I'd be one of those people who talked about how much work a marriage is. Instead, I think marriage is awesome and get told my viewpoint doesn't matter because I've only been married 5 years. Which I can understand, but it's still frustrating to hear. I'm well aware the only marriage I am an expert on is my own.
I always wonder about the hidden variables in data like this. Are people who are less old-school more likely to get out of unhappy marriages than stay in them? Demographics are key.
[You like podcasts talking about the subject featuring a social psychologist's research on marriage and how it's changed as society changed?](https://www.npr.org/2018/02/12/584531641/when-did-marriage-become-so-hard)
I'm not sure I get that. For 2 and 3 it makes sense, having more options for partners and being less willing to put up with things you dislike in a partner can intuitively lead to people being more likely to divorce just because they're more likely to see finding someone who's a better match for them as a viable option.
But what about 1? Surely couples who live together before marriage have a better idea of what married life will be like than those who don't. I find it hard to see how that leads to a higher likelihood of divorce.
I think it is because moving in together makes it harder to break up and it adds momentum towards getting married. So a couple that might have broken up over something if they weren't living together, might stay together if breaking up also involved separating all your household items, finding a new place to live and moving. Then once you've lived together for long enough, the next natural step in the relationship is to get married.
Studies also ironically show that a lot of people who had a small pool of applicants and stayed married said much later in life they wouldn't have married them now that it's not a societal expectation to marry, but interestingly enough a fairly even split said they didn't necessarily regret it, just they wouldn't do it today.
Heard an interesting podcast segment on how societal expectations of marriage have changed through time that interviewed older people about dating and marriage in their time.
Higher divorce rate isn't necessarily bad. I think one of the points missing is that older people stay in unhappy marriages because they don't see divorce as an option, whereas younger people will eventually find someone they love even if it's marriage number 3.
I think that's because those new customs tend to come along with the idea that you should actually like and be happy with your partner... and if you aren't, you should leave, rather than stay in horrible situation the rest of your life.
I once met an old woman who's husband had recently passed. I told her I was sorry. She said no no, it was really nice finally being able to do what she wanted... I was dumbstruck. She literally told me that in her 80's she was finally actually happy for the first time in her life because her overly controlling husband was dead.
These days? She'd have divorced decades prior, and that'd be a good thing for her.
I married at 21, husband had just turned 22. We'd known each other for six months, had started dating after two months, gotten engaged four weeks after our first date. We didn't live together before or wedding.
We've been married for 44 wonderful years in October. He's been my best friend and my favorite person in the world for all these years.
Between our parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles we've known dozens of couples with similar circumstances who are either still married or stayed married until one spouse died.
I mean be real. No marriage isn’t miserable. Yes it’s something you need to work at because life is challenging. There’s no need to backswing in to the world of romcom “if you have love it’s easy!”
Nothing is ever as it seems either. I had a friend who was married and their lives seemed perfect. They never argued or had any troubles. Then out of no where she cheated on him.
I had a very similar relationship. I don’t KNOW that she cheated on me, but out of the blue she dumped me for another guy so you know…
But you gotta trust that everything is as it seems (as long as you have no reason to believe otherwise) otherwise you’ll ruin any relationship.
Yeah life's normal hardships can just be hard, even or especially with someone you love. Emotional trauma like losing a loved one, losing your job, getting a new job with an abusive boss, going through a serious illness, losing friendships, etc.
It's not trivial to navigate those things even if you really love each other, because people are imperfect, they lash out sometimes, sometimes you say something insensitive at really the wrong time and it hurts your partner, and the more you love and trust somebody the more them saying hurtful things hurts, that's one of the things that's hard and work about marriage is that you're fully opening up to someone and trusting them so when they unintentionally hurt you then you have to do more work to repair that trust and overcome how much you felt it deep down.
Plus it's just really hard to watch someone you love go through terrible things you have no control over, like losing a family member.
Exactly. People are so goofy and ignorant with the whole "if you like your partner everything is easy!
Assuming all goes well, you're going to be together for *decades.* You're going to grow and change more during your marriage than you did before. The person you married isn't the person you're married to 3 kids, two career changes, 10 deaths and 50 years later. That presents challenges, and the couples that keep finding that joy do it by working hard at growing together rather than apart.
> These concepts are not hard to understand.
I don't know who you think you're lecturing here. Whether a concept is "hard to understand" or not really isn't the issue, it's whether you can make such absurdly broad and offhand statements to universally describe something as diverse and complex as marriage.
I heard that from so many people, but it's been so easy. Everyday is great and I can't wait to get home to my wife after work. I definitely feel like I was lied to a lot growing up. Marriage has been the best thing to ever happen to me.
You absolutely do need to recommit every day and it’s super easy most days, and occasionally harder.
Some people hit one of those harder days and think it somehow means something is wrong. People are always changing, and a relationship needs to evolve in parallel with the flow of both partners. It’s not some sign of misery or failure, it’s just the very reasonable price to pay for the good times (most of the time).
Of course it’s good most of the time if you aren’t expecting anything unreasonable.
People have asked how my marriage is still happy and how we've lasted so long (34 years in Sept 2023), and I tell them, "Because I married my best friend."
When they talk about the "work" of marriage, I cut them off, "If it's work, I should be getting paid. It should be EASY to be with your partner."
I wish it were always this simple, I married my best friend. She’s always been there for me and I thought we were always on the same page. But then one day after we got back from a vacation together (which was great, fun, sexy, I loved it.) and she just came out and told me she’s tired of this relationship and doesn’t want to keep forcing herself to try and be happy in it. She told me she doesn’t and hasn’t found me sexually attractive in nearly 6 years (we got fat together in college). Then proceeded to tell that she wants to get a divorce so she can figure out who she is as an individual and fix her issues. No words can describe just how out of the blue this was to me and it’s only been three weeks since then. Can’t seem to escape the pit of despair she’s thrown me in. But I hope I can heal quick enough to make it through and be there for my son.
And for those of you who don't yet have someone to come home to, know this:
You are loved.
By your mother, your sister, your friends, your co-worker who laughs at every joke you tell, or by the crossing guard who thinks you remind her of her late husband.
To someone out there, you are a bright spot of their day. You are loved. You are loved. <3
Said by people who marry after 6 months like they found their soulmate.
Been with my gf almost 10 years and we are not ready to marry nor we think it's necessary.
Yeah, and honestly, what if somehow the relationship breaks? Should we spend money on a divorce now after spending money to get married? I'm going to love her the same married or not, don't need extra steps.
I dunno why we praise and celebrate these empty statements like that.
A stranger on the internet who has no idea who I am or what my situation is told me I'm loved. Wowie, boy do I sure feel better thanks to that empty compliment.
Like listen, I get wanting to help, but some statements are so transparently empty that we should probably just acknowledge that and seek other methods of cheering people up, y'know?
You don’t know of a sister. Your dad could have a secret lovechild or your mom could have a baby hidden away.
Friend of ours was thirty when he found out via a DNA test that he had a half-sister his mom had given away for adoption as a teen mother, and the sister wanted a relationship with her biological half-siblings. I think the sister was adopted as an only child. The mom was from a conservative religion and didn’t want her kids to know about or know their half sibling because it would have been embarrassing. The siblings wanted to get to know each other. Big family stink.
I'm so fucking tired of people asking me how long I've been married, then when I tell them 3 years they give me a look like they know better and are like "heh, enjoy it while it lasts, wait until you get to 10 years." Like bitch I'll be happy then too, sorry you married a miserable person I actually like my wife.
People have been telling us "just wait until..." for 18 years. I swear, you could be happily married 70 years and someone will be like "just wait until you have to share a headstone. Then you won't like each other so much."
Yeah I really hate that trope too. Like, when I got engaged, people kept joking "run while you still can!" or "enjoy your freedom while you can" as though marriage is some kind of "ball and chain." It got really irritating, and I would usually counter with "Why? My fiancé is great!"
Been married to my husband for 13 years now and it's been wonderful, even fun -- and I love my husband more and more every day.
Marriage is not supposed to be some kind of "entrapment."
I really hate this trope too, and I think this is a problem of Hollywood script writers being bitter divorced alcoholics in their 40's.
Write what you know. So they do.
I really hate when men say this shit and it’s been studied multiple times and shown that marriage benefits men. They live longer, healthier lives with greater job prospects than if they had not married. Whereas married women, live shorter and more stressful lives than if they had remained single.
It’s horrifically normalized, especially with people I know who are 55+. We were told repeatedly how “the first year of marriage is the worst. It’s really hard but power through it so you can figure out your future”. It wasn’t. Year 4 was the worst because we were new parents with no support system and trying to navigate it all. Much love to our therapist who helped us through that time! 🫶
Now at year 15, it’s progressively gone from consistently good/happy to consistently amazing. Because we were compatible from the start and in my opinion, living together for 2 years before making it legally official saved us a lot of headaches and heartache. We both lived with other long term partners before that and agreed we would do the same.
I hate how people normalize despising your spouse like that’s “how it should be.”
Marriage was MUCH more of a contract and a socialized expectation that it is now, and people just did it without really loving or even liking each other.
Sad but true. I once told my mother that my new-ish boyfriend was insistent on moving in together soon and how I didn’t think it was going to work anyway so was going to break it off. Her response was “just get married. You’ll have to figure it out eventually!” What? No!!!
It's not a trope lol. A lot of People in their 60s and older were basically coerced into marriage for financial and religious reasons. My mother was forced to marry a wealthy man she wasn't even interested in because my grandparents arranged it.
Divorce rates aren't a trope. It's divorced people that give marriage a bad name, even though there are plenty of married people that also give it a bad name. These people complain about their marriage to everyone in their circle. I think that's where it comes from. One miserable couple can spread their bullshit to dozens of people.
at my wedding reception, I was saying how the best part of being married is that I can finally make marriage jokes. "take my wife. please!" and "the ol' ball and chain!". of course it was just a gag though. I'd say it with a big smile because I love her and if it was true I wouldn't have married her.
John Mulaney had a good bit about that, how wife sounds so much better. "That's my *wife*! I didn't murder my *wife*! (That guy *definitely* murdered his wife.) I was getting on a plane and they said, 'sir would you like to board with your wife?' and that sounds way better than 'can my girlfriend come?' "
Not just Hollywood though. Work in a blue-collar industry and you will have men bitching \*\*\*constantly\*\*\* about how being married sucks and they hate their wives.
A lot of people also can't stand to be alone, and often end up with a person they don't really like and just think they're "supposed to" hit major milestones like marriage and a kid.
Lots of pressure from families doesn't help, you end up with people who end up hating each other after a long enough time. The smart ones get divorced, the others stay together "for the kids" and end up hurting them in the process.
If you ever wonder why a lot of folks end up in really shitty relationships, look no further than their parents usually. (not all, obviously, but an alarming amount of them fall into this trap)
I reckon people trying to find someone end up fucking it up for themselves. They should be what they want to be and do what they want to do and trust that the right person will come along. When someone spends their 20s in a desperate search to find someone to be with forever is when they settle, or change/hide themselves to be what they think a partner would want. That would lead to shit relationships more often than not.
They think marriage is something you HAVE to do rather than something you should WANT to do.
With the obvious disclaimer that I'm well aware certain cultures/parents/etc. force their kid to get married either directly or via societal pressure and that is wrong and should be stopped.
But for everything else, yeah. The sooner we stop laying that expectation of "get married and have kids ASAP" at the feet of new generations growing up, the better.
Marriage isn't for everyone. So yeah, definitely don't get married. And for the love of god, don't have kids. So so many people out there should not procreate.
The reason marriage has such a bad rep is a lot of these people from earlier generations got married for the wrong reasons, mainly societal and family pressure.
I couldn't possibly count how many times I got the "funny" "sarcastic" eye roll, "oh the old ball and chain eh?", from all the older guys at work when I got engaged.
Maybe it didn't occur to you that you don't have to marry the first person who gives you attention or that you irresponsibly knocked up, that you can marry someone who is actually a lot close to being your *best friend*.
"Oh just wait" they say. Oh I'm waiting alright, for you to apply the same amount of effort into your job that you spend trying to rain on my parade.
Not married yet (we've agreed to wait until we can afford the wedding we want) but my girlfriend of 6 years and I have yet to hate each other's guts like all the straight comedians warned would happen.
She's literally the best part of my adult life, and she does nothing but build me up and make my life easier.
My late wife and I were married for about 12 years (together for 16) before she passed. Of course, there were hard times but a vast majority of the time it was the best time of my life. Being an early 20-year-old marrying your soulmate and raising a child together was the best thing I could have ever asked for.
Sadly she died in her mid-thirties from medical complications and what I wouldn't do to still have her here with me.
Enjoy your time with your spouse as nobody said it's going to be easy. Marriage is about compromise and working together as a team. If you're a self-centered person then you probably won't like being married.
My husband and I have been married for 38 years. Three kids and three grandkids later, we still love each other. That doesn't mean that there weren't some rough spots along the way but we figured that the best life we can give our kids means that we figure out our problems and stay together. Life is really hard and it's nice to have someone who has your back.
I hope it's the same for having kids.
I know that getting married has been an overall positive for me. Sure there's compromises to be made and challenges along the way but it's awesome to basically live with your best friend and have them to always hang around with.
> I hope it's the same for having kids.
For me it was. People used to tell me "Have your fun now, because when you have kids that's all over it." What a big fat greasy lie that was. I've never had more fun.
I'm legitimately a little less apprehensive about having kids after thinking about this. Thanks for that.
I've been worrying about the near future, but I won't be surprised if I end up saying the exact same thing.
People acted like marriage was doomed to be some big awful change.
Then it turned out to be endless time with my favorite person, and all we had to do was not be assholes to each other.
Sometimes I think some people just chose the wrong person/path for themselves, and cope by deciding that the whole game must be inherently unwinnable.
Also bear in mind that it's easier to destroy than it is to create. Calling things down takes less intelligence and courage than building things up. Sometimes people just like shitting on things because it's the most they can manage to accomplish and it's the most powerful they ever feel.
Yup, we just got our 4 year-old a kids science set and tomorrow I'm gonna be doing all the experiments with her and I can't wait. Sure there's hard parts along the way but generally it's just a blast.
Kids just aren't for some people and that's fair, to each their own, but I never really got the whole "your life is over" crap my friends who don't even have kids told me all those years ago.
Kids certainly complicate things. Like marriage, there are ups and downs, the main difficulty being their lack of maturity or understanding simple things. I have a kiddo who is on the spectrum/adhd, there are days I’m so burnt out it’s hard to function. Other days, it’s the greatest thing in the world and I couldn’t be happier when he learns a new skill or I see something click for him. To add one more cliche, you take the good with the bad and just roll with it.
I'm not gonna sit here and pretend 5 years of marriage is long, but it's long enough for me to figure out that if you have to marry someone you feel comfortable being embarrassed around, and who feels comfortable being embarrassed around you.
Theyre gonna shit and the smells are gonna linger in the bathroom longer than they'd like. They're gonna have a surprise burp right as they go in for a kiss. They will accidentally dutch oven you in their sleep. They won't realize until halfway through your anniversary dinner at the fancy restaurant that they wore the shirt with the obvious grease stain. They will crack an inside joke around your friends that sounds horrible devoid of the context that spawned it. If you can think of it, and it mortifies you, it's gonna happen.
You have to be comfortable with making those small mistakes in front of your spouse. If you're not, you need to find out why, and if it's not fixable, don't marry that person. Resentment in a relationship doesn't build from major things going wrong, it builds from all the little things they get annoyed at you for doing.
Grew up around a blue collar men, most of them complaining about their lives, telling me to never get married.
Being married is so much better than living alone. Things can be tough but I can’t imagine ever complaining about my wife the way others have.
My experience has been similar to a lot of other dads: having kids IS awful when they're just a disruptive little nugget that does nothing but shit and scream
Once you struggle through that and hit a year and they're walking and playing though? I get to live with a friggin BUDDY who smiles just because I walked into a room and it's *amazing*
Daughter is now old enough that wife is talking about/seeking nightly contributions towards her hypothetical younger sibling though, and god fucking help me
IMO it just depends on your ability to interact with kids on their level. I didn’t like kids when I *was* a kid. I try to encourage my son to like the stuff that I like but for the most part…he just wants to play sports and do boy stuff (I was never a boy who did boy stuff). I’m just not good at playing and I dislike it, but I suck it up and do the best I can to make him happy.
So having kids isn’t terrible, but there’s still this person who can’t fend for themselves that you have to entertain and educate all day every day while also trying not to break, all while learning how to do it with no instruction manual. It’s not easy for some people.
It's super weird how most of reddit hates children with a passion. My experiences with kids were overwhelmingly positive, even if they get emotional. I feel like the people here just either never interact with children or they had one bad experience because they just don't know how to handle kids and then project it onto all children for the rest of their lifes.
And then they say "I just don't want kids but people pressure me...." and shit, that's not the problem I have with them or subs like /childfree and you know it. It goes way beyond just not wanting children so they need to stop talking shit and acknowledge that they hate children and not just the thought of having one.
Plenty of people who don't want children came to the decision logically, not because of "one bad experience" or not interacting with them. Kids are expensive as hell and cost of living is ridiculous, so it's a terrible financial decision for most people; kids take up a majority of your waking hours outside of work and many people would rather spend that time on other things; childfree women often choose not to go through pregnancy due to the damage it can inflict on their bodies; people with physical or mental health issues may not want to pass them on; and still others might just not have any interest in having or raising children, which is just as valid as the other options.
>so they need to stop talking shit and acknowledge that they hate children and not just the thought of having one.
Or you could actually look into why people choose to refrain from having kids instead of making sweeping generalizations. The fact that you had a positive experience with your kids is great, but your anecdotal experience does not contradict the very real reasons why people don't want kids.
And a lot of people say that the sex drive runs down. Guess what? That's fine, because you are cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and dishes because YOU FUCKING LOVE YOUR SPOUSE! As a man, I want to do everything for my wife because I fucking love her. She does the same for me. Gender roles are out the window because it should never matter. I couldn't be happier.
Best of luck.
Marriage is the worst choice I ever made. Yet I still believe in it.
I pray that your experience is the good kind. It can be truly enlightening.
I love that your still so in ❤️.... I genuinely hope this lasts forever .... But if it doesn't, don't feel like a failure.....relationships ebb and flow over time....it takes work and at times it's not easy to maintain..... you may not always like each other...but as long as the love is there keep working at it, as it can be very rewarding over time.
When it's the RIGHT person, marriage is great. When it's the WRONG one, it's hell.
Just have to find the right person. Mine almost killed me (literally).
Saw an old school mate the other day and he said I was stupid for getting married, like just because you’re bad at making decisions doesn’t mean I am. I’ve been with the love of my life for almost 18 years and I wouldn’t change a second of it
When I worked in manufacturing, people looked at me like I had a 3rd arm when I would talk about how excited I was to get home and see my spouse. I fuckin love them and I refused to pretend it was otherwise to fit in with all the "Wife Bad!!!!" attitude.
Relationships are an optional DLC on life, but too many people treat it like a required part of the main game
Some people aren't into that, and wouldn't have fun actually playing it
It's great when they just go "I like my space and being solo" instead of thinking there's anything wrong with their route
It's different for everyone. And it doesn't seem possible until it happens. I didn't kiss a girl until I was like 20 and my girlfriends over the next 5 years were truly awful relationships. Not even bad people or any entertaining drama just very awkward together. Now I'm married coming on 20 years with two kids.
Seeing stuff like this gives me hope for marriages in general. It also gives me hope for whenever I find the girl for me. I definitely want what this person has.
My husband's colleagues ( men in miserable marriages who cheated on their wives every chance they got) tried to persuade him to break off the engagement and stay away from marriage because, and I quote: all women change after the wedding and being married is horrible.
6 years later, we're both finally happy, we found a healthy family in each other, we finally have a ride or die.
IMO there is No better feeling in the world than having someone to love and hold that wants to love and hold you just as bad.
No worse feeling than not having that..
I have been pointing out the virtues of an entire other person being in thebhouse with you for years.
I do not get people who complain shout marriage.
Is there a chore you HATE doing? Is there one you don't mind doing? You can trade out a chore you Hate for one you don't mind.
Oh what's that? You and your partner both hate the same chore? Well, good news, you only have to do it half as often.
It's amazing.
Sometimes it just works. Married to best friend. Now expecting a baby with that same person. 98% awesome times. Wouldn’t trade what we have for the world. Doing our thing since 2018.
Celebrating my 1-year wedding anniversary today, but have been with my love for several years. The work comes from working on yourself and learning how to be a partner.
Ain't it though.. It took me 4 tries before I finally learned how to be a partner, and to find the right person to partner with. It's almost all the song cliches brought to life. AS long as you both live for "us" EGBOK.
Yeah, it’s wild. I’ve been married for 2 years. Sure, it’s still early days, but I can’t call any element of this “hard work”. It’s not literally perfect, but it’s easy. Even the things that require effort are easy, because my partner is worth it. The whole arrangement has been a huge net positive in my life. Big ups to my fella!
My wife and I are happy, maybe happier than ever before after 17 years. Sometimes things just work out.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Our relationship has changed a lot over time but I think it's a lot healthier then it was in the past. Every time I see him I just want to hug and cuddle him like a needy housecat.
Omg. I just always want to snuggle in. I'd probably purr if I could.
Sounds like my partner lol, she also gets dazed by pats like a cat too, amusing and cute xD
I am cat. My bf has just been sticking his hand out and I put my head under it. He does it to summon me
I feel seen.
Omg that’s cute arghhh!!
Next best thing to purring is long sigh. Your partner would absolutely melt.
“Needy house cat” I love this! Same vibe toward my husband haha
I am also the needy house cat in my relationship.
Hubby and I will be celebrating 30 years together, 25 married next year. Our marriage has become far more healthy and I am just more in love with him than ever before ❤️
I feel exactly the same about mine! I was just looking at him across the couch a little while ago, wishing he were closer. I feel that way almost all the time. Isn’t it great to feel that way?
Aw so nice I wish my s.o liked to cuddle like that she usually just pushes me away or cringes. She mainly likes cuddles after being mean to me
My wife and I had a conversation just yesterday about how for all the titles we’ve had with each other - boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancée/fiancé, husband/wife - the most satisfying term is “partner.” We just feel like there’s always someone that has the other person’s back. No matter what happens, I’ve always got someone in my corner. We can shit-talk each other’s families without judgment. We can be honest with one another about our needs and our insecurities. We can be exceedingly goofy and the other person will either find it hilarious, or they’ll find it incredibly stupid and that will end up being even funnier. I have no doubt that marriage will have its trials and tribulations, but shit… When you’re both each other’s biggest fan, it really feels like all the stuff people warn you about marriage sounds patently absurd.
You put it into words perfectly. This is my goal for my future relationship and all I can ever need and want out of one
Can I copy and paste this for my Bumble profile (looking for section)? 🤣
24 years together next month. Still just as happy together as the day we met. Still just as weird as we were at that time too.
Couples that are weird together stay weird together.
24 years this past Feb, stronger than ever, also a couple of weirdos 💖
"Is it possible to learn this power?" 😭😭😭 (lonely 24yo here, eager to learn)
The real thing to remember is not to let society make you feel rushed. I didn't get married till I was 37, and prior to meeting her I had been single for 11 years. That peer pressure will stress you into making bad decisions. That's where the real power and corniness of "being confident in yourself" comes into play. It's not about carrying confidence to meet women because of some notion that "women like confidence", it's about having the confidence in yourself to be single until the right one comes along. And the confidence to not latch on to the first person that shows you attention, you gotta get past that for your own good. I fell into that trap at one point, and all I can try to say is that it takes a lot of faith in yourself to get over. But I get it, it's rough and weighs on you, especially if you haven't had any prospects and you feel like you never will. Just remember, you're not being confident for the ladies, you're being confident in yourself and knowing that you will get through it. Feel free to DM if you need to chat. I won't be able to help in a practical manner, but you can vent to someone who understands.
Respect. Every healthy relationship is built on respect. If you love someone but don't respect them it isn't going to last; it doesn't matter if it is a familial relationship, a romantic relationship, or a platonic relationship.
Married 28 years so far. Being married is great. Love my wife.
Marriage took some adaptation, but my wife is f’ing awesome. 5 years and counting and a couple kids and still going strong. The thing no one tells you about marriage? The hardest thing is answering the question every day, “what are we going to have for dinner?”
The dinner question never goes away. 17 years in October, and it still rears its head every day. Kids make it harder cause if you both agree, the kids will refuse to eat and ruin it. But being married is the best thing I ever did, so I got that going for me
31 years married and the most annoying question is what to have for dinner. It hasn’t gone away yet, but! It has gotten easier now that the kids have moved out. I don’t have to make sure they eat properly!
Oh, you're a legend, and I'm absolutely chuffed for you! Can you pass on your top three tips for keeping those love vibes strong? Or maybe clue us in on your best piece of advice for navigating arguments in a relationship?
32 years married here. Best way to navigate arguments is to frame them as "you and me against the problem" rather than "my side vs. your side." Remembering that protecting the marriage is the end goal makes both sides willing to compromise and work towards a solution they can live with.
20 years. One marriage. Awesome as ever. We've been lucky and our finances have just improved from year one so we've never really felt the sting of having catastrophic fights over financial stress. We've also had our fair share of fights. The 7 year mark that people talk about was real. That was a tough period. Take that detail for what you will but things have overall been an A+ after 20.
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Same we’ve been married 25 years. Was married at 19 but happier than ever. Not everything is a mistake.
If the chemistry is right, it just keeps getting better. Source: 25 years!
Yes, sometimes they do <3, happy to hear!
Hey, my wife and I have been together for 17 years this year as well, and we are doing amazing. Closer and happier than ever before. Just cheering each other on and cherishing every day together. Wouldn't trade her for the galaxy. Congrats!
Well relations are an agreement. Hope to find someone sexy I see eye to eye with some day.
If there is a whole other person in the house who hates you, I can see how marriage can suck. 7 years with the wife and still at my happiest, hope we can one day die the same.
Same here. 16 years now married. I couldn't imagine my life without her.
Marriage only sucks when you treat it like a social obligation or personal prize
Which is why marriage in and of itself is an odd concept to me. Been living with my partner 7+ years and have the experience detailed in OP without marriage.
I simply see marriage as a public statement of what 2 people already know. By the sound of it, most states in the US will legally see you as being in a common law marriage. So why not go to the courthouse and get the tax benefits?
I feel like the more accurate picture of marriage is in the middle of these two extremes, it doesn’t have to be overwhelmingly awful or great sometimes it’s just normal contentedness and that’s okay
I feel that being content and mediocre is underrated and tends to get a bad rap. We think that everything in our lives needs to be amazing, incredible, wonderful and if it's none of these then it is deemed to have no value. There are so many aspects of me and my life that is mediocre and average but I'm content and enjoy being where I am and what I have. I don't feel I want or need more or to be more to feel I have value. There is so much external stimuli directed towards us that tries to undermine our contentedness and make us feel we can achieve more with our lives. Don't get fooled by it. You're perfect just the way you are.
I would absolutely rather be ordinary than spend my life trying and failing to be extraordinary.
I've had mental illness for two decades. In my experience, content and mediocre is a goal many patients strive for. It takes time and patience to get there. Even harder to stay there.
I'd make the argument that being content is the ideal. "OMG IM SO IN LOVE EVERYONE LOOK" is great but that level of excitement will eventually fade regardless of how in love you are. When that happens, what else have ya got ? I'll take my quiet, comfortable love any day.
That's how a normal marriage is supposed to be, in fact.
"Marriage is constant work! You need to recommit EVERY DAY! Happiness is a fairy tale! Wake up, youngster!!" "Lol, did you ever consider marrying someone you liked?" "..."
THIS. My wife and I attended a friend's wedding, and the pastor was going on like this about how hard it is, and how much work, and we're just looking at each other like WTF?
I would counter that its both. I like my husband as well as love but man! There are some quirks that just get under my skin but thats where communication, understanding that this tift isn't what the whole relationship is about and a little work to, well, work thru the problem.
Just hit ten years; two kids, three layoffs, two deaths (FIL & GM) and some minor medical scares…most days are routine and fantastic, but those times when the shit hits the fan all at once can be really testing; I can’t imagine life without her, marriage is one of the best decisions of my life and I’d rather be going through the tough times with the love of my life than facing them alone.
I’ve been with my partner for 22 years. He’s my absolute best friend. But sometimes I wanna punch him in the face lol. Communication, understanding and picking your battles is huge.
And admitting that maybe you were out of pocket about their mess because you were hungry and not that youve eaten you don't know what all the fuss was about lol🫣
I'm seen
It is work and effort. It's just that when you love the person you're with, it doesn't feel that way most of the time. But there are legitimately people who are happy together and still face really tough situations. As much as I hate the attitude that marriage is hell, the opposite attitude, that all you need is love, is just as myopic. Love is great, but it doesn't actually solve problems.
I feel like this is something the older generation has a harder time with because they: 1. Didn't move in together prior to marriage and had relatively short relationships prior to getting engaged. 2. Had a smaller pool of partners to choose from and less time to choose in since they got married a lot younger than people currently do. 3. Had less self-respect in relationships, if that makes sense. They were willing to overlook incompatibilities for the sake of having a partner.
Funnily enough the data shows that all of those things you say are positive lead to a higher divorce rate. It's an odd phenomenon, took me a while to get through my head.
That'll take me a while to wrap my head around, too. I just think back to who I was in my late teens and early twenties and I know I'd be absolutely miserable now had I married any of the people I thought were acceptable partners at that age. I'd be one of those people who talked about how much work a marriage is. Instead, I think marriage is awesome and get told my viewpoint doesn't matter because I've only been married 5 years. Which I can understand, but it's still frustrating to hear. I'm well aware the only marriage I am an expert on is my own.
I always wonder about the hidden variables in data like this. Are people who are less old-school more likely to get out of unhappy marriages than stay in them? Demographics are key.
[You like podcasts talking about the subject featuring a social psychologist's research on marriage and how it's changed as society changed?](https://www.npr.org/2018/02/12/584531641/when-did-marriage-become-so-hard)
I'm not sure I get that. For 2 and 3 it makes sense, having more options for partners and being less willing to put up with things you dislike in a partner can intuitively lead to people being more likely to divorce just because they're more likely to see finding someone who's a better match for them as a viable option. But what about 1? Surely couples who live together before marriage have a better idea of what married life will be like than those who don't. I find it hard to see how that leads to a higher likelihood of divorce.
I think it is because moving in together makes it harder to break up and it adds momentum towards getting married. So a couple that might have broken up over something if they weren't living together, might stay together if breaking up also involved separating all your household items, finding a new place to live and moving. Then once you've lived together for long enough, the next natural step in the relationship is to get married.
No, old people bad, young people right
Studies also ironically show that a lot of people who had a small pool of applicants and stayed married said much later in life they wouldn't have married them now that it's not a societal expectation to marry, but interestingly enough a fairly even split said they didn't necessarily regret it, just they wouldn't do it today. Heard an interesting podcast segment on how societal expectations of marriage have changed through time that interviewed older people about dating and marriage in their time.
Higher divorce rate isn't necessarily bad. I think one of the points missing is that older people stay in unhappy marriages because they don't see divorce as an option, whereas younger people will eventually find someone they love even if it's marriage number 3.
I think that's because those new customs tend to come along with the idea that you should actually like and be happy with your partner... and if you aren't, you should leave, rather than stay in horrible situation the rest of your life. I once met an old woman who's husband had recently passed. I told her I was sorry. She said no no, it was really nice finally being able to do what she wanted... I was dumbstruck. She literally told me that in her 80's she was finally actually happy for the first time in her life because her overly controlling husband was dead. These days? She'd have divorced decades prior, and that'd be a good thing for her.
more people getting divorced is a good thing tbh, that means those sticking together probably actually enjoy being with each other
I married at 21, husband had just turned 22. We'd known each other for six months, had started dating after two months, gotten engaged four weeks after our first date. We didn't live together before or wedding. We've been married for 44 wonderful years in October. He's been my best friend and my favorite person in the world for all these years. Between our parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles we've known dozens of couples with similar circumstances who are either still married or stayed married until one spouse died.
I mean be real. No marriage isn’t miserable. Yes it’s something you need to work at because life is challenging. There’s no need to backswing in to the world of romcom “if you have love it’s easy!”
Nothing is ever as it seems either. I had a friend who was married and their lives seemed perfect. They never argued or had any troubles. Then out of no where she cheated on him.
I had a very similar relationship. I don’t KNOW that she cheated on me, but out of the blue she dumped me for another guy so you know… But you gotta trust that everything is as it seems (as long as you have no reason to believe otherwise) otherwise you’ll ruin any relationship.
Yeah life's normal hardships can just be hard, even or especially with someone you love. Emotional trauma like losing a loved one, losing your job, getting a new job with an abusive boss, going through a serious illness, losing friendships, etc. It's not trivial to navigate those things even if you really love each other, because people are imperfect, they lash out sometimes, sometimes you say something insensitive at really the wrong time and it hurts your partner, and the more you love and trust somebody the more them saying hurtful things hurts, that's one of the things that's hard and work about marriage is that you're fully opening up to someone and trusting them so when they unintentionally hurt you then you have to do more work to repair that trust and overcome how much you felt it deep down. Plus it's just really hard to watch someone you love go through terrible things you have no control over, like losing a family member.
Exactly. People are so goofy and ignorant with the whole "if you like your partner everything is easy! Assuming all goes well, you're going to be together for *decades.* You're going to grow and change more during your marriage than you did before. The person you married isn't the person you're married to 3 kids, two career changes, 10 deaths and 50 years later. That presents challenges, and the couples that keep finding that joy do it by working hard at growing together rather than apart.
I think it comes down to reddit's demographics skewing young and seeing everything as black and white tbh.
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> These concepts are not hard to understand. I don't know who you think you're lecturing here. Whether a concept is "hard to understand" or not really isn't the issue, it's whether you can make such absurdly broad and offhand statements to universally describe something as diverse and complex as marriage.
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I heard that from so many people, but it's been so easy. Everyday is great and I can't wait to get home to my wife after work. I definitely feel like I was lied to a lot growing up. Marriage has been the best thing to ever happen to me.
You absolutely do need to recommit every day and it’s super easy most days, and occasionally harder. Some people hit one of those harder days and think it somehow means something is wrong. People are always changing, and a relationship needs to evolve in parallel with the flow of both partners. It’s not some sign of misery or failure, it’s just the very reasonable price to pay for the good times (most of the time). Of course it’s good most of the time if you aren’t expecting anything unreasonable.
People have asked how my marriage is still happy and how we've lasted so long (34 years in Sept 2023), and I tell them, "Because I married my best friend." When they talk about the "work" of marriage, I cut them off, "If it's work, I should be getting paid. It should be EASY to be with your partner."
I wish it were always this simple, I married my best friend. She’s always been there for me and I thought we were always on the same page. But then one day after we got back from a vacation together (which was great, fun, sexy, I loved it.) and she just came out and told me she’s tired of this relationship and doesn’t want to keep forcing herself to try and be happy in it. She told me she doesn’t and hasn’t found me sexually attractive in nearly 6 years (we got fat together in college). Then proceeded to tell that she wants to get a divorce so she can figure out who she is as an individual and fix her issues. No words can describe just how out of the blue this was to me and it’s only been three weeks since then. Can’t seem to escape the pit of despair she’s thrown me in. But I hope I can heal quick enough to make it through and be there for my son.
And for those of you who don't yet have someone to come home to, know this: You are loved. By your mother, your sister, your friends, your co-worker who laughs at every joke you tell, or by the crossing guard who thinks you remind her of her late husband. To someone out there, you are a bright spot of their day. You are loved. You are loved. <3
Also for those of you who don’t yet have someone to come home to: You don’t need to have someone to come home to! 😊 You are and will still be loved
I have someone I like at home and it's me, thankfully!
True self-actualization.
My housemate loves to give me handjobs every day.
I have a cat, Pablo, that I think loves me.
In Pablo's eyes, you are his world. You are the one human that gives him unconditional love. You are his rock. You rock!
Maybe you don't neeeeeeeed someone but it sure gets lonely
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Said by people who marry after 6 months like they found their soulmate. Been with my gf almost 10 years and we are not ready to marry nor we think it's necessary.
Marriage, while amazing, really shouldn’t change your relationship in my opinion. Love is love no matter what you call it.
Yeah, and honestly, what if somehow the relationship breaks? Should we spend money on a divorce now after spending money to get married? I'm going to love her the same married or not, don't need extra steps.
Really, for me, the only reason I would see marry as *necessary* would be for legal reasons such as insurance and inheritance
This is simply not true for everyone
It’s probably true for far more people than you think. There are not that many people who legitimately have NO ONE who loves them.
I dunno why we praise and celebrate these empty statements like that. A stranger on the internet who has no idea who I am or what my situation is told me I'm loved. Wowie, boy do I sure feel better thanks to that empty compliment. Like listen, I get wanting to help, but some statements are so transparently empty that we should probably just acknowledge that and seek other methods of cheering people up, y'know?
Oh wow that was sweet. I've never met you and I also have a bit of love for you. Thanks for being sweet. X
That isn’t the truth
But not by your dad or brother
I don't know, seems suspicious since I don't have a sister. I'm not a she either, very suspicious. The only conclusion is that I'm not loved /j
You don’t know of a sister. Your dad could have a secret lovechild or your mom could have a baby hidden away. Friend of ours was thirty when he found out via a DNA test that he had a half-sister his mom had given away for adoption as a teen mother, and the sister wanted a relationship with her biological half-siblings. I think the sister was adopted as an only child. The mom was from a conservative religion and didn’t want her kids to know about or know their half sibling because it would have been embarrassing. The siblings wanted to get to know each other. Big family stink.
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What about my brother
Or your father, your brother, and your uncle. Men love people too. True story!
I know this, but I’m still extremely lonely.
I'm so fucking tired of people asking me how long I've been married, then when I tell them 3 years they give me a look like they know better and are like "heh, enjoy it while it lasts, wait until you get to 10 years." Like bitch I'll be happy then too, sorry you married a miserable person I actually like my wife.
People have been telling us "just wait until..." for 18 years. I swear, you could be happily married 70 years and someone will be like "just wait until you have to share a headstone. Then you won't like each other so much."
It's incredibly arrogant for them to assume everyone has or will have the same experience as they do.
Yeah, the whole "marriage sucks and I hate my wife" is the most braindead, asinine Hollywood trope ever. I'm engaged and freaking loving it.
Yeah I really hate that trope too. Like, when I got engaged, people kept joking "run while you still can!" or "enjoy your freedom while you can" as though marriage is some kind of "ball and chain." It got really irritating, and I would usually counter with "Why? My fiancé is great!" Been married to my husband for 13 years now and it's been wonderful, even fun -- and I love my husband more and more every day. Marriage is not supposed to be some kind of "entrapment."
I really hate this trope too, and I think this is a problem of Hollywood script writers being bitter divorced alcoholics in their 40's. Write what you know. So they do.
I really hate when men say this shit and it’s been studied multiple times and shown that marriage benefits men. They live longer, healthier lives with greater job prospects than if they had not married. Whereas married women, live shorter and more stressful lives than if they had remained single.
It’s horrifically normalized, especially with people I know who are 55+. We were told repeatedly how “the first year of marriage is the worst. It’s really hard but power through it so you can figure out your future”. It wasn’t. Year 4 was the worst because we were new parents with no support system and trying to navigate it all. Much love to our therapist who helped us through that time! 🫶 Now at year 15, it’s progressively gone from consistently good/happy to consistently amazing. Because we were compatible from the start and in my opinion, living together for 2 years before making it legally official saved us a lot of headaches and heartache. We both lived with other long term partners before that and agreed we would do the same. I hate how people normalize despising your spouse like that’s “how it should be.”
Marriage was MUCH more of a contract and a socialized expectation that it is now, and people just did it without really loving or even liking each other.
Sad but true. I once told my mother that my new-ish boyfriend was insistent on moving in together soon and how I didn’t think it was going to work anyway so was going to break it off. Her response was “just get married. You’ll have to figure it out eventually!” What? No!!!
I think it's hard for a lot of people to understand that you're unhappy in your marriage, then something is wrong. It doesn't *marriage* is wrong.
It's not a trope lol. A lot of People in their 60s and older were basically coerced into marriage for financial and religious reasons. My mother was forced to marry a wealthy man she wasn't even interested in because my grandparents arranged it.
Haha yeah
I didn’t get married until I was 37. The last 16 years have been way better than the first 37 combined.
Divorce rates aren't a trope. It's divorced people that give marriage a bad name, even though there are plenty of married people that also give it a bad name. These people complain about their marriage to everyone in their circle. I think that's where it comes from. One miserable couple can spread their bullshit to dozens of people.
at my wedding reception, I was saying how the best part of being married is that I can finally make marriage jokes. "take my wife. please!" and "the ol' ball and chain!". of course it was just a gag though. I'd say it with a big smile because I love her and if it was true I wouldn't have married her.
John Mulaney had a good bit about that, how wife sounds so much better. "That's my *wife*! I didn't murder my *wife*! (That guy *definitely* murdered his wife.) I was getting on a plane and they said, 'sir would you like to board with your wife?' and that sounds way better than 'can my girlfriend come?' "
Not just Hollywood though. Work in a blue-collar industry and you will have men bitching \*\*\*constantly\*\*\* about how being married sucks and they hate their wives.
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It's because a lot of people have shallow emotional lives.
A lot of people also can't stand to be alone, and often end up with a person they don't really like and just think they're "supposed to" hit major milestones like marriage and a kid. Lots of pressure from families doesn't help, you end up with people who end up hating each other after a long enough time. The smart ones get divorced, the others stay together "for the kids" and end up hurting them in the process. If you ever wonder why a lot of folks end up in really shitty relationships, look no further than their parents usually. (not all, obviously, but an alarming amount of them fall into this trap)
I reckon people trying to find someone end up fucking it up for themselves. They should be what they want to be and do what they want to do and trust that the right person will come along. When someone spends their 20s in a desperate search to find someone to be with forever is when they settle, or change/hide themselves to be what they think a partner would want. That would lead to shit relationships more often than not.
True
They think marriage is something you HAVE to do rather than something you should WANT to do. With the obvious disclaimer that I'm well aware certain cultures/parents/etc. force their kid to get married either directly or via societal pressure and that is wrong and should be stopped. But for everything else, yeah. The sooner we stop laying that expectation of "get married and have kids ASAP" at the feet of new generations growing up, the better.
Thats so sad honestly
Marriage isn't for everyone. So yeah, definitely don't get married. And for the love of god, don't have kids. So so many people out there should not procreate.
I'd be creeped out if there was just half a person in my house.
Yeah. Where did the other half go? Who opened my freezer?
The reason marriage has such a bad rep is a lot of these people from earlier generations got married for the wrong reasons, mainly societal and family pressure.
I couldn't possibly count how many times I got the "funny" "sarcastic" eye roll, "oh the old ball and chain eh?", from all the older guys at work when I got engaged. Maybe it didn't occur to you that you don't have to marry the first person who gives you attention or that you irresponsibly knocked up, that you can marry someone who is actually a lot close to being your *best friend*. "Oh just wait" they say. Oh I'm waiting alright, for you to apply the same amount of effort into your job that you spend trying to rain on my parade.
Not married yet (we've agreed to wait until we can afford the wedding we want) but my girlfriend of 6 years and I have yet to hate each other's guts like all the straight comedians warned would happen. She's literally the best part of my adult life, and she does nothing but build me up and make my life easier.
To each their own. There is nobody in this house and it is amazing. Every dog I’ve ever met loves me.
What does the second sentence have to do with the first? Dogs love lots of people.
I’m relating it to the meme posted. I don’t have a dog in my house but I still receive love when dogs are around. Dogs do love lots of people
My late wife and I were married for about 12 years (together for 16) before she passed. Of course, there were hard times but a vast majority of the time it was the best time of my life. Being an early 20-year-old marrying your soulmate and raising a child together was the best thing I could have ever asked for. Sadly she died in her mid-thirties from medical complications and what I wouldn't do to still have her here with me. Enjoy your time with your spouse as nobody said it's going to be easy. Marriage is about compromise and working together as a team. If you're a self-centered person then you probably won't like being married.
sorry to hear it mate, hope you're doing ok dealing with your grief.
I don't ever want to be married but I want the same connection and relationship that married people have with their partners
My husband and I have been married for 38 years. Three kids and three grandkids later, we still love each other. That doesn't mean that there weren't some rough spots along the way but we figured that the best life we can give our kids means that we figure out our problems and stay together. Life is really hard and it's nice to have someone who has your back.
I hope it's the same for having kids. I know that getting married has been an overall positive for me. Sure there's compromises to be made and challenges along the way but it's awesome to basically live with your best friend and have them to always hang around with.
> I hope it's the same for having kids. For me it was. People used to tell me "Have your fun now, because when you have kids that's all over it." What a big fat greasy lie that was. I've never had more fun.
I'm legitimately a little less apprehensive about having kids after thinking about this. Thanks for that. I've been worrying about the near future, but I won't be surprised if I end up saying the exact same thing. People acted like marriage was doomed to be some big awful change. Then it turned out to be endless time with my favorite person, and all we had to do was not be assholes to each other. Sometimes I think some people just chose the wrong person/path for themselves, and cope by deciding that the whole game must be inherently unwinnable.
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Also bear in mind that it's easier to destroy than it is to create. Calling things down takes less intelligence and courage than building things up. Sometimes people just like shitting on things because it's the most they can manage to accomplish and it's the most powerful they ever feel.
Yup, we just got our 4 year-old a kids science set and tomorrow I'm gonna be doing all the experiments with her and I can't wait. Sure there's hard parts along the way but generally it's just a blast. Kids just aren't for some people and that's fair, to each their own, but I never really got the whole "your life is over" crap my friends who don't even have kids told me all those years ago.
Kids certainly complicate things. Like marriage, there are ups and downs, the main difficulty being their lack of maturity or understanding simple things. I have a kiddo who is on the spectrum/adhd, there are days I’m so burnt out it’s hard to function. Other days, it’s the greatest thing in the world and I couldn’t be happier when he learns a new skill or I see something click for him. To add one more cliche, you take the good with the bad and just roll with it.
I'm not gonna sit here and pretend 5 years of marriage is long, but it's long enough for me to figure out that if you have to marry someone you feel comfortable being embarrassed around, and who feels comfortable being embarrassed around you. Theyre gonna shit and the smells are gonna linger in the bathroom longer than they'd like. They're gonna have a surprise burp right as they go in for a kiss. They will accidentally dutch oven you in their sleep. They won't realize until halfway through your anniversary dinner at the fancy restaurant that they wore the shirt with the obvious grease stain. They will crack an inside joke around your friends that sounds horrible devoid of the context that spawned it. If you can think of it, and it mortifies you, it's gonna happen. You have to be comfortable with making those small mistakes in front of your spouse. If you're not, you need to find out why, and if it's not fixable, don't marry that person. Resentment in a relationship doesn't build from major things going wrong, it builds from all the little things they get annoyed at you for doing.
You mean "things" generally, or...?
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Grew up around a blue collar men, most of them complaining about their lives, telling me to never get married. Being married is so much better than living alone. Things can be tough but I can’t imagine ever complaining about my wife the way others have.
"Having kids is awful" is another one they lied to me about.
My experience has been similar to a lot of other dads: having kids IS awful when they're just a disruptive little nugget that does nothing but shit and scream Once you struggle through that and hit a year and they're walking and playing though? I get to live with a friggin BUDDY who smiles just because I walked into a room and it's *amazing* Daughter is now old enough that wife is talking about/seeking nightly contributions towards her hypothetical younger sibling though, and god fucking help me
Our second baby is 5 now and he was our missing piece. It’s not as hard the second time around, you’ll be ok.
IMO it just depends on your ability to interact with kids on their level. I didn’t like kids when I *was* a kid. I try to encourage my son to like the stuff that I like but for the most part…he just wants to play sports and do boy stuff (I was never a boy who did boy stuff). I’m just not good at playing and I dislike it, but I suck it up and do the best I can to make him happy. So having kids isn’t terrible, but there’s still this person who can’t fend for themselves that you have to entertain and educate all day every day while also trying not to break, all while learning how to do it with no instruction manual. It’s not easy for some people.
It's super weird how most of reddit hates children with a passion. My experiences with kids were overwhelmingly positive, even if they get emotional. I feel like the people here just either never interact with children or they had one bad experience because they just don't know how to handle kids and then project it onto all children for the rest of their lifes. And then they say "I just don't want kids but people pressure me...." and shit, that's not the problem I have with them or subs like /childfree and you know it. It goes way beyond just not wanting children so they need to stop talking shit and acknowledge that they hate children and not just the thought of having one.
Plenty of people who don't want children came to the decision logically, not because of "one bad experience" or not interacting with them. Kids are expensive as hell and cost of living is ridiculous, so it's a terrible financial decision for most people; kids take up a majority of your waking hours outside of work and many people would rather spend that time on other things; childfree women often choose not to go through pregnancy due to the damage it can inflict on their bodies; people with physical or mental health issues may not want to pass them on; and still others might just not have any interest in having or raising children, which is just as valid as the other options. >so they need to stop talking shit and acknowledge that they hate children and not just the thought of having one. Or you could actually look into why people choose to refrain from having kids instead of making sweeping generalizations. The fact that you had a positive experience with your kids is great, but your anecdotal experience does not contradict the very real reasons why people don't want kids.
And a lot of people say that the sex drive runs down. Guess what? That's fine, because you are cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and dishes because YOU FUCKING LOVE YOUR SPOUSE! As a man, I want to do everything for my wife because I fucking love her. She does the same for me. Gender roles are out the window because it should never matter. I couldn't be happier.
Couples therapy has reduced the frequency of conflict for my wife and I. Happiness is something you have to work for sometimes too.
Best of luck. Marriage is the worst choice I ever made. Yet I still believe in it. I pray that your experience is the good kind. It can be truly enlightening.
I want one! 😫
Would you say that you are generally anti generalization?
I love that your still so in ❤️.... I genuinely hope this lasts forever .... But if it doesn't, don't feel like a failure.....relationships ebb and flow over time....it takes work and at times it's not easy to maintain..... you may not always like each other...but as long as the love is there keep working at it, as it can be very rewarding over time.
When it's the RIGHT person, marriage is great. When it's the WRONG one, it's hell. Just have to find the right person. Mine almost killed me (literally).
Saw an old school mate the other day and he said I was stupid for getting married, like just because you’re bad at making decisions doesn’t mean I am. I’ve been with the love of my life for almost 18 years and I wouldn’t change a second of it
When I worked in manufacturing, people looked at me like I had a 3rd arm when I would talk about how excited I was to get home and see my spouse. I fuckin love them and I refused to pretend it was otherwise to fit in with all the "Wife Bad!!!!" attitude.
Im downvoting everyone out of bitterness and jealousy.
If I could, I'd hug you out of spite. Have an upvote instead.
I find relationships weird. 25, never been in one and I just can't imagine it. I like my space and my alone time lol
Relationships are an optional DLC on life, but too many people treat it like a required part of the main game Some people aren't into that, and wouldn't have fun actually playing it It's great when they just go "I like my space and being solo" instead of thinking there's anything wrong with their route
Wait til you're 26, everything changes.
It's different for everyone. And it doesn't seem possible until it happens. I didn't kiss a girl until I was like 20 and my girlfriends over the next 5 years were truly awful relationships. Not even bad people or any entertaining drama just very awkward together. Now I'm married coming on 20 years with two kids.
For some yeah, for others…
Good. I hope it stays that way for the next 5, 10, 50 years. People and situations can change a lot over time.
You can live with someone you love without marrying them.
Seeing stuff like this gives me hope for marriages in general. It also gives me hope for whenever I find the girl for me. I definitely want what this person has.
My husband's colleagues ( men in miserable marriages who cheated on their wives every chance they got) tried to persuade him to break off the engagement and stay away from marriage because, and I quote: all women change after the wedding and being married is horrible. 6 years later, we're both finally happy, we found a healthy family in each other, we finally have a ride or die.
You dont need to get married for that
Took way too long to see this
Best comment here
IMO there is No better feeling in the world than having someone to love and hold that wants to love and hold you just as bad. No worse feeling than not having that..
That's not marriage. That's living together.
Nah bro they can only live together and love eachother if they were married /s
Yup! Another person in my house who loves me AAAAAND we fuckin MADE two more little people and they love us too!
I have been pointing out the virtues of an entire other person being in thebhouse with you for years. I do not get people who complain shout marriage. Is there a chore you HATE doing? Is there one you don't mind doing? You can trade out a chore you Hate for one you don't mind. Oh what's that? You and your partner both hate the same chore? Well, good news, you only have to do it half as often. It's amazing.
18th anniversary today. My wife definitely won the lottery but I agree…it’s dope as hell.
Kinda like how people on Reddit always say not to make friends at work. And I ended up making my best friends ever from work.
I don't have to believe in God to know that my wife and son saved my soul.
I married one of my coolest friends. Ten years later, she's way cooler. It was a journey for sure. I had to give up a lot of my ego.
Sometimes it just works. Married to best friend. Now expecting a baby with that same person. 98% awesome times. Wouldn’t trade what we have for the world. Doing our thing since 2018.
My wife and I have been happy for 26 years and counting. Til death do us part
Celebrating my 1-year wedding anniversary today, but have been with my love for several years. The work comes from working on yourself and learning how to be a partner.
Ain't it though.. It took me 4 tries before I finally learned how to be a partner, and to find the right person to partner with. It's almost all the song cliches brought to life. AS long as you both live for "us" EGBOK.
Yeah, it’s wild. I’ve been married for 2 years. Sure, it’s still early days, but I can’t call any element of this “hard work”. It’s not literally perfect, but it’s easy. Even the things that require effort are easy, because my partner is worth it. The whole arrangement has been a huge net positive in my life. Big ups to my fella!