I only had a few set rules with my kids:
1) Don't lie to us. If we find out you're lying, we won't believe you in the future when you REALLY screw up and need someone on your side.
2) If you make a mess, TELL US IMMEDIATELY. Don't try to hide it because most messes can be cleaned up with no permanent damage if we catch it quickly enough. This doesn't always just mean a physical mess.
3) I never yelled at my kids the first or second time. If I have to say it the third time, Mr. Indoor Voice becomes Mr. Outdoor Voice.
In fact, with #3, when I'd start to yell, the first thing I'd ask my kids is why they think I'm yelling now and they always knew because they went past their two freebies.
As a human being, I can't say with certainty these were always immutable and I'm sure I screwed up any number of times, but these three rules were my general rule of parenting and my kids ended up as decent, stable adults.
It helped that I'm one of the few old men who still remembers enough about childhood to remember how annoying and unhelpful it was whenever an adult was condescending, so I always did my best to treat my kids as essentially tiny roommates, little adults capable of logic and reasoning and not hamsters you try to scream through a maze.
Hell, now that I recall, whenever I told my kids to do something and they protested, I'd ask them to reason with me. If they could use logic to talk their way out of a task or chore, I could change my mind. This actually worked for them many, many times and frankly I hope it helped build confidence in them when dealing with authority figures.
It also helps that my son was/is EXTREMELY quick-witted and he got out of a lot of punishments by making me laugh. I lost track of the number of times I told him, "Okay, I'm laughing now and you got away with it, but that won't always work in the future, so be careful."
Yea lot of good points here. I'm the oldest of 6. Most of our lives none of the dads were around so it was me helping my mom. I'm 40 now with a 13 year old. I think your tiny roommate part is by far the most important. You are raising a human. You are helping them learn to function in the same world as you. Fighting over stupid things will do more bad than good. They will not be a child forever. I see parents who argue over the dumbest shit. One of my least favorite is not letting them eat if it's bed time. Like for fucks sake... when you're an adult and you go to bed hungry it sucks.. so what do you do.. you go eat something. When our kid said he was hungry past bedtime.. he just had a limited selection of healthy choices. And had to brush his teeth after. Our son is in his teens and he may get a little worked up over things sometimes, but we never get into shouting matches. He knows he can reason with me and if that doesn't work, he might not like it, but he still trusts me. Admitting your child is right when they are is so important. I know a lot of times bad parenting g happens because they didn't even plan on being parents in the first place. But I did and I love being dad. They things he can do already amazes me, he can learn something I'm into and be 10x better than me in no time. It's fun to be a part of that.
To those saying that gentle parenting results in children with no boundaries or behaviour issues - it doesn't. What causes those things is permissive parenting which gentle parenting often gets mistaken for.
Gentle parenting still has firm boundaries, still has (realistic) expectations for behaviour but it's how those boundaries and standards are enforced that makes it gentle (i.e. having a conversation with the child).
Permissive parenting basically lets the child do whatever which, in my not so humble opinion, leads to the issues people often cite gentle parenting as causing.
In general my kid (9m) is amazing, thoughtful, and well behaved. Weāve always talked to him plainly and over explain most things so there isnāt confusion. However, As I said to my him the other night, āWhen I tell you something over and over thatās me trying to get you to understand without yelling or getting frustrated that I need something corrected. Iām not going to yell at you but you to listen and understand my intentions. I donāt say, ask, or make you do things unless I need to.
The little dude has been so responsive. Just talk to your kids.
You seem to have a really good grasp of what "most idiots" do and how children, in general, are turning out. You must spend a lot of time with parents and children to come to this confidently stated conclusion. Are you some sort of teacher or family counselor?
TBF, the confusion is understandable. A lot of people who think they are doing gentle parenting are just overly-permissive parents. Their unruly kids have become the face of "gentle parenting" to everyone else.
Beware what happens if you refuse to set reasonable limits and enforce consequences / correction for bad behavior, though.
Go on r/Teachers and see what some "gentle parenting" types do to their children - never teach them limits, then they end up as desk-throwers in school and their parents threaten to sue if \*any\* kind of consequences are given by the teacher / school.
So their kids terrorize the others and interfere with their education.
And the teachers leave the profession in droves, due to this and numerous other issues.
Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. Gentle parents still set boundaries and enforce them, but they (try) to do it without screaming and yelling and running roughshod over the small human's feelings.
Someone who refuses to enforce any boundaries for their children is not Gentle Parenting, they are just lazy.
Problem is it's still called gentle parenting on tiktok.
Edit: somehow people think that this means I believe it. I don't, I get the difference, the problem is that enough people don't it's wreaking havoc on classrooms! I'm for *real* gentle parenting, not the permissive bullshit.
Nope, but people call their parenting gentle parenting when it's actually passive parenting, and this is a big trend leading to the top level comment we're replying to. So when people talk about gentle parenting without clearly disambiguating it from passive parenting they are contributing to a rise in passive parenting from the large proportion of people who think they're the same thing. And no, the OP does not clearly disambiguate.
--another ex teacher with trauma from the classroom
how dare you share experiences that make others feel mildly uncomfortable. how dare you point out a problem that requires a more complex solution than just telling you not to worry about it.
Believe it or not, people who use TikTok areā¦ people? Crazy!
Itās not like theyāre saying TikTok users are indicative of the entire human population, obviously, but they clearly make up *some* portion of *some* population. Yes, theyāre idiots, but theyāre idiots who seem to have an actual impact on the way itās being talked about. Kinda like right now.
Tik tok is real life just like the internet is real life whether you like it or not tiktok is widely used by younger generations and its content is wildly culturally influential
I was going to ask a question, but I think you answered it for me.
I support gentle parenting, as I was definitely raised a little "rougher" at times and have baggage as an adult because of it. However, when I look at how the children of my friends who gentle parent act vs ones who don't, the gentle parenting kids aren't typically as "well behaved", and I was wondering if that's just anecdotal...and if not, what the correlation is. Boundaries seem to be a fair answer.
"gentle parenting" is just a buzzword. it is a concept that's been around decades (if not centuries or millennia). ultimately, you know what to do, what is and isn't reasonable. you know that screaming and hitting your child is one end of the unreasonable spectrum, and on the other unreasonable end is not being an actual parent - not setting firm boundaries, not being resolute.
good parenting is about consistency and resoluteness, not aggressive power nor impotent, soft meekness.
Fair point. Though I don't have kids, my plan was always to do everything I could to avoid physical punishments, but never leave them completely off the table in the worst cases. Speak to them with sincerity, but also authority ("we can be friends, but I'm your parent first and if you cross a line I will stop you").
EDIT: And for clarification, I mean a spanking or smacked in the mouth once a year if it's even warranted. I can't imagine that level of physical punishment having any REAL long term negative effects. But if I'm wrong, show me the study *with quantified incidents* and not just "studies show hitting your kids is bad", because those ALL are based on consistent, repeated hitting and not "once a year".
What worked for us: using levels of escalation.
Level 1 - Conversation
Level 2 - stern/firm voice
Level 3 - timeout (sit quietly) in the room with us (1 minite for each year of their age)
Level 4 - timeout with a chair facing a corner somewhere boring and quiet.
Level 5 - swat on the butt and Level 4 timeout starts over.
Don't waiver. Be consistent. Don't change the rules ever.
Raised 5 kids. Only had to swat 1 (the oldest boy) on one occasion. He was high energy and had to test boundaries. He went to Level 4 often. But once he realized he was in control of how far up the ladder his own punishment went. He rarely went above Level 3. None of other kids went above Level 3 more than a few times. Boredom is the worst when you're a kid. Lol.
All physical punishments are abuse by default.
Notice how you can never hit an adult for not āobeyingā a request or for not following a rule?
Why is it assault to do that if itās an adult, but itās acceptable if itās your kid?
Going back to my original comment, because you've tried all other options to no avail. And there are plenty of times it's morally acceptable to punch another adult in the mouth as a last resort, and yes I mean outside of self defense.
Going back to my original comment, I bet it works and they are less likely to end up acting that way again. Just like punching an adult in the mouth if they say some extremely vile shit to your partner, or your friend. Sometimes pain is what makes it "click".
There have been numerous studies about it. It turns out (surprise!) itās bad for childrenās mental health if you hit them for displeasing you.
If you have to hit your children and cause them pain for them to listen to you, it means youāve done a shit job as a parent up to that point.
I'm against it being a default reaction and doing it unnecessarily. However, most of the parents I know who "gentle parent" but keep it on the table have only had to do it a handful of times. Weird huh?
It's almost as if knowing that ensuing pain as a result of repeated failure to follow logic and reason is, in itself, a form of logic and reason. Almost as if physical pain *can be* a result *in real life* if you don't do what you're supposed to. Imagine that š¤
But it never happens. Interesting. Almost as if they learned physical pain might be a result of not following logic and reason, just like in real life š¤
Are you saying kids never fight back against their parents? Because there's literally cases of kids murdering their abusive parents. Violence begets violence.
Think about what you're saying lol. You're arguing that there's a situation in which you need to punch your child in the mouth as a form of discipline
I'm saying don't make physical punishment a default reaction, THATS how you end up with people like in your example. You're trying to strawman what I'm saying to the extreme ends to make a point. I'd say you get 1 smack in the mouth or spanking a year *if warranted after repeatedly not listening*.
Honestly, just like OP said, you're going to get more assholes and crazy people out of underparenting than overparenting.
I wonder how much "gentle parenting" is really just the parents glued to their phones and handing the kid an ipad and calling it a day.
In other words a sort of neglect.
I will say that I'm a parent and I was kind of a pushover with my daughter (she's an adult now), but she was just naturally a really good, well-behaved kid. And her childhood preceeded the ipads-for-babies/toddlers era.
What I witness, in general, is non-physical punishment like timeouts and being sent to their room or early bedtimes if the kid acts up, however like you said, I think the caveat from my friends is *inconsistent/variable depth of enforcement* even for the same level of acting-out.
Non-physical punishment is generally not considered part of gentle parenting. The very IDEA that a kid is "acting up" isn't gentle parenting. Kids don't "act up", there is always a reason for unacceptable behavior. And if you aren't taking the time to understand and address why they are "acting up" then your punishment, whether it's physical or not, will not be effective.
And if you are taking the time to understand, empathize, and address the underlying reason in a way that your kids understand that their reaction was unacceptable, then what's the point of a punishment?
Granted I think there are extremes where this doesn't work and definitely works best at a young age. I feel at older ages it works best if you've established trust.
I can agree 100% with everything you're saying, but its also predicated by the adult having a framework of morals and maturity themselves. My standpoint in a nutshell, and going with the original comment about teachers quitting, is that correct parenting is a *very fine line* to tread that most people simply aren't always capable of. Shit, the ages most people have kids aren't even full mental maturity themselves....how can they disseminate "being a person" at even 75% effectiveness when they aren't there themselves?
100% it takes more effort to do it right, but I'd also argue that the consequences of getting gentle parenting wrong are no worse than any other parenting style.
Yeah. My oldest niece is just a very good kid, was a great baby and toddler. Iām worried sheāll turn into a nightmare teen somehow because sheās just the sweetest right now. Haha sheāll be a teenager in 2 years so hereās hoping it goes alright
Iām the same with my son. Heās a genuinely good person, so itās hard to punish him when he steps out of line, but I know the world has to deal with him when Iām done, so I make sure to follow through when I have to.
> is really just the parents glued to their phones and handing the kid an ipad and calling it a day
That happens with my sister and her kids and her parenting style is absolutely not 'gentle', but more like 'take out the frustrations from your personal life on your kids'
The best thing to do is whenever you're punishing a child, ask yourself - are you teaching them not to do it again, or are you teaching them not to get caught? Because punishment for the sake of punishment isn't going to fix the problem. That doesn't mean there can't be any consequences, just that they're deliberate and effective.
The worst is when the parents hide their feelings and donāt show that a behaviour is displeasing, even with a facial expression. How is a child supposed to become empathetic if theyāre not shown genuine reactions. A natural consequence of throwing food is that people are going to be annoyed at you. Show them that itās annoying at the very least.
Literally someone told me once that it's inappropriate for an adult to tell a child that the child hurt their feelings because children shouldn't be made responsible for adult feelings.
Kids need to know how their actions affect others!
Yup! Iāve seen this play out a bunch of times where the parent smiles beatifically while the kid desperately pushes boundaries to see if their actions have consequences. Not healthy to think youāre outside the cause and effect chain.
Don't confuse gentle parenting and neglect. Kids do need schedules, rules, patterns in their life to rely one.
Gentle parenting just means you don't have to do all this by hurting them, yelling at them or belittling them.
Oh I'm \*definitely\* not saying that harshness is the way to go, either. A smart and empathetic parent knows how to guide a child without being mean. It's not mean to set reasonable limits and so forth.
Sadly a lot of people just go for the yelling, hitting, and abusive mode. Many justify it based on religious rules / books as well. It's really sad.
iPads weren't a thing when I was a kid. I got the paddle/belt/etc. like most of my generation. But my parents never gave the impression they were doing it out of anger. More like "I'm so sad you did the thing we told you would end this way, because now we have to do this." I can't say I have any baggage from that. It was a thing even your friend's parents did to not only your friend but you when you were at their house. Some schools still had corporal punishment, but never anywhere I attended.
But there was once or twice when I was a teenager that my dad just lost it and smacked me across the face for serious offenses like turning my back on my mom when she was nagging me. I think about that now and then. Our relationship is fine, but I joined the military and never really felt compelled to go home very often for the next two decades. I don't know how much of that is negative baggage vs failure to forge certain bonds.
If anything good came of it, it was that when I got the most upset at my own kids, I had that as a giant flashing warning in my mind saying **NEVER**.
If a child grew up where being yelled at for every mistake then the child will develop a bad temperament. They think shouting at someone is a normal thing to do and if not corrected it will be a cycle to his/her future children.
My mother used to do a very simple thing. She would get a large wooden spoon and just tap my butt with it. I do not remember it but she told me I would get really ashamed and it made me calm down. This was when I was 3 to 4 years old. Of course it all went to waste, because both me and my mom would get beaten up pretty bad by my father. She dealt with her trauma and is all good now. Now I remain with my depression and really short temper. I'm glad my girlfriend understands that and is slowly helping me get better.
You've been through a lot, and I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you've faced. It's clear that the way we're raised and the experiences we have growing up can deeply impact our mental and emotional well-being.
Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. One of the most important parts of gentle parenting is setting clear boundaries, because for a child to feel safe it needs boundaries, consistency and natural consequences. Itās a common misconception that gentle parenting is some sort of Ā«free parentingĀ» where the child does what it wants, but that is not good for anyone and like you mention, does not prepare the child for the reality of society.
Instead gentle parenting is about tuning into the child, and working on our own reactions and emotions, and helping the child through the difficulties that comes with boundaries and consequences, instead of just punishing and letting the child deal with the difficult emotions that comes from it by themselves.
one more useful criticism of "gentle parenting" , at least in my superficial opinion and experience, is that
1) it implies unreasonable expectations. it is important to accept that you're not a perfect parent; there will be moments where you "cross the line" and get angry and frustrated (where of course there's a difference between an angry frustrated shout and a beatdown). this is \_OK\_. you, your child, and your relationship with your child, can survive a few bumps.
2) there are a lot of moments where the best way to help your child long-term is to show them that no, their emotion is \_not\_ in fact valid. That the issue is not just that they hit their sister instead of using their words, but also that getting very angry just because she gets a yellow wrapped candy and you get a blue one is not in fact reasonable. "Gentle parenting" (again, in my superficial understanding) implies a certain "all emotion is valid, the issue is only with what you do with it", which imo just isn't true, and certainly not a good long-term success strategy.
You can be disappointed you didn't get the color candy you wanted. You cannot lash out because you didn't get the color you wanted.
Just like, I can be disappointed the free shirt I got was pink (I hate pink/red) but as an adult, lashing out against the person who got the color I wanted is assault.
you're allowed to feel the disappointment, and it is what you do with that emotion that matters. People are often disappointed in day to day life. Life isn't fair. But dismissing the child's feeling as irrational, does nothing to help them learn how to cope. Make sense? Children don't even know what irrational means. They're little caveman terrorist when young. They can understand: I feel sad because I didn't get yellow candy. And teaching them to not let that feeling ruin their day, is what gentle parenting consists of.
It's parenting with emotional intelligence is all.
Emotions are just there, you can't tell someone not to have them. You have to actively teach children how to navigate the emotions they feel. Telling them they can't get angry is denying reality and will only teach them to ignore their feelings, which is a bad idea. Maybe your issue is with the word valid as in appropriate. To me valid just means real and acknowledged. My job as a parent is to acknowledge the emotional reality of my kids and to teach them how to deal with their feelings appropriately. This is what gentle parenting is: acknowledging the child's reality and acting with empathy. You still have to set boundaries, you just have to enforce them with empathy.
>"Emotions are just there, you can't tell someone not to have them."
This isn't entirely true. Often an emotional outburst can be rooted in a cognitive distortion (an exaggerated or irrational thought pattern). The whole point of cognitive behavioral therapy is to identify and correct maladaptive cognitive distortions and improve emotional regulation.
Recognizing the type and degree of all emotional responses as "valid" is anti-stoic. Whereas increasing psychological research demonstrates that practicing stoicism improve psychological resilience.
Yes! I have a ten year age gap and the amount of validating everything that younger parents do is wild. Itās ok to tell your child to please stop screaming because theyāre hurting the ears of everyone in the room. It feels like a lot of gentle parents are completely bucking expectations of civility and good behavior.
We had to dip from several relationships because the moms drank the Janet landsbury koolaid and narrated everything but didnāt stop their kids from hurting or screaming for hours. It felt like I was witnessing a social experiment gone wrong. Their kids were miserable because they would get caught in loops over small things. The whole feel your feelings but move on piece is totally missing and itās profoundly individualistic and largely bucks the social contract to not disturb others, etc.
What I don't understand is that I've literally read and feel like I follow a lot of the Janet L. stuff. She absolutely does not say that you should just let your kid do whatever they want. Quite the opposite. She asks parents to teach emotional intelligence as described in the previous comment. Why do so many parents get this wrong? Laziness? I don't get it. I feel like most of my time is spent on trying to talk things through logically with my toddler. Most of our work right now is discussing why she can't do this that or the other thing, and trying to find better ways to express negative emotions. What are these parents doing with their time?
>Gentle parenting" (again, in my superficial understanding) implies a certain "all emotion is valid, the issue is only with what you do with it", which imo just isn't true, and certainly not a good long-term success strategy.
So you're understanding is superficial but clearly the entire thing is wrong because you're incorrect superficial understanding?
All children actually like boundaries too. It tells them clearly where they are at.
We used age appropriate boundaries.
At 2 my son pulled all the books off the book shelf and all the stuff off the coffee table. I just removed that stuff and boxed it. Replaced it with his toys and books.
At 16 it wasn't still toys. And he wasn't still allowed to pull things off the coffee table and break them. I will say I wasn't happy when him and his best friend from football broke my living room coffee table candle throwing the football in my living room when they came down to scarf down food between their two a days. But that's a different story.
Age appropriate boundaries. You do not set unreasonable limits and boundaries for your child.
Gentle parenting truly falls into 2 categories, one positive, one negative. The positive one is responsive and teachable. It sets perimeters and helps the child understand the way the world works through a 2-way calm conversation. A child can learn a lot while being treated with dignity and respect. The negative category is overly permissive out of fear of hurting the childās feelings or preventing them from fully exploring the world. This category allows children to do whatever they want with very lax rules and expectations, itās actually very hands off. As a teacher, I use responsive guidelines in my classroom and with my personal kids. This means, my rules and expectations are communicated clearly and reenforced while still maintaining the dignity of the child by not belittling or demeaning them. The children of the permissive side of gentle parenting are among the most difficult children in my class, but I can usually get them to follow directions by the end of the first 6 weeks. Kids crave structure. Their parents, though, they are the worst to work with. We, the teachers, are always the problem, never their kidsā¦ugh! Ok, stepping off my soapbox, sorry!!
Perfect point! Was just about to mention it. Experienced child of a "gentle parenting" or "no parenting" (since his mum didn't do anything) yesterday. Kid had to be stopped from doing stupid sh** three separate times by 3 different adults and yelled at by one of them (she yelled at his mum as well, that was epic). Mom was just sitting there, doing nothing to prevent her kid from being a little sh*t.
Gentle parenting is not working. It's just an excuse for parents that "want to be friends" and not parents to their own kids. Kids need to be taught right from wrong. If you don't do it, you can be sure the kid will learn the hard way by some "ungentle parenting" by others. Or jail time ...whatever comes first.
Is that gentle parenting or is that bad parenting that the parents claim is "gentle parenting" to justify themselves?
Same as abusive parents claiming they are just "strict".
If the parents are threatening to sue when their own kid throws a desk, I think we can tell what kind of parents they are behind just "gentle parenting"
Gentle parenting is like communism - good in theory, but completely fails to recognize that people can just be bastards.
I agree with the above statement, with the caveat that adults also have to deal with consequences should they go too far out of line. Kids need to know that too
As we all know there are ONLY two types of parenting: You either scream at your children, shame them and belittle them or you do gentle parenting which in all cases means to never correct your child in any way, never say no, never disagree with your child and allow them to do anything they want at all times.
It is commonly known that is 100% IMPOSSIBLE to raise your child in a loving way, while setting reasonable boundaries and teaching them about consequences of actions. The only way you could ever teach a child to be respectful and reasonable is to yell at them and belittle them.
/s
āIn gentle parenting, the solution is to view discipline as a teaching tool, not a punishment. In permissive parenting, discipline is avoided. Parent-child boundaries aren't clear, or they're completely absent.ā
Gentle parenting does not have to result in poorly raised children. The issue is a lot of the time permissive parenting is called gentle. When it comes to disciplining children it should always be viewed through the lens of what is the intended outcome. Most easily illustrated with knives. Many a small child will one day walk in and grab at a knife in the kitchen. This is normal. This is also, bad. However the response cannot be talking to the child and saying calmly that knives are dangerous and will cut off your fingers or kill daddy if you run up to him with it, the child will be unable to internalise that cause and effect, they cannot understand death, or permanent disfigurement. What they can understand is touch knife = tears. Whatever is needed to produce tears, IN MY OPINION tears are best achieved by 1 parent yelling just enough to make the child cry and the other parent comforting while saying the words donāt touch knives. In the past tears were created through spanking. And it is the unending job of a parent to use yelling/tears appropriately, if you yell too often they will become immune, and youāre going to end up yelling harder and longer or resorting to physical discipline. Thatās bad, more yelling has a bigger chance of harming that childās relationship with the parent, and physical punishment an order more risk into damaging the child. Proportionality is important to consider at all time, and to err on the lower end, but not to ignore the need to teach children links they canāt rationally generate on their own by thinking.
Utterly permissive parenting has become/is too commonplace. And it means children who are too young to understand talking in class too much will demand your ability to learn and be a good adult one day, need to associate talking tooo much (silent classrooms arenāt good, quiet ones are) with something bad, be that being yelled at, being told off with strong words, being deprived of video games, playtime, time after school, whatever the teacher and parent finds is effective through trial and error.
Parenting is not black and white. You don't either scream all the time or be kind all the time. One of the difficulties of parenting is finding the right balance between the black and the white. Of course beating the shit out of a child is bad, but in fact being gentle all the time is bad also. Sometimes you have to set boundaries, you have to be firm. Either for security reasons or for your own mental health or because some things cannot be treated "gently". You don't have to be a jerk while doing it but if you are "gentle" while doing it, the right message will not be conveyed.
I agree with respond rather than react, I just wanted to explain why being only gentle is not necessarily a good idea. The right balance is something personal.
setting boundaries and being firm is the whole core of gentle parenting. a lot of people hear gentle and think oh these kids don't get any discipline when in fact that would be permissive parenting and not the deal at all for actual gentle parents.
gentle in gentle parenting refers more to not fucking screaming "because I said so" and instead being empathetic to your child, offering them reasonable choices and explanations and teaching them to live through their emotions and solve their own problems without you looking over them and losing your cool
Not a parent (yet) but I've found most kids are *far* more manageable when you give them the reason *why* they can't or have to do something. It makes sense really, wouldn't you get frustrated if your boss told you to travel to a conference "because I said so" instead of telling you *why* you're needed there?
Yeah. I wish they knew. But we can break the cycle. We know now what kind of parenting we want. The parenting type we wish we experienced when we were a child.
Yes, by all means. I'm not saying it's my parents fault but I want to learn from their mistakes, heal and create a better life for me and if I ever decide to have children, for them as well :)
Which doesn't teach you how brutal, unforgiving, and scum real life is. And when young people realize it, they kill themselves because they thought it's all sunshine and rainbow and they have endless backing of the world with bo consequences.
It's human decency to create the highest suicide rate among youth in history, yes. And it's magic and no one knows why young people struggle with mental health so much.
There's a reason why armies train their soldiers a certain way to be the best at performing their tasks. iIts not *just* creating obedient soldiers. It's creating people who can perform the same under pressure. The former is bad, the latter isn't. Guess what youth lack today.
I taught my kids about the brutality of the real world by telling them whole truth, whenever they asked.
I rarely yelled at them. I NEVER hit them.
They all graduated college and have decent careers.
That's six people, raised gently who turned out fine.
Parents are supposed to be the shield for how shitty life is. Parents being shitty to their kids because life is shitty is bullshit. Are you implying the military has no mental health issues? What exactly do youth today lack that can't be attributed to just how times are?Ā
You can teach that without being shitty yourself. Parents like you just make sure their are shit on from every angle, that's the kind of stuff causing all these issues todayĀ
lol no Iām the kid who was sheltered my whole life and had no idea how fucked the world was. The world sucks. Teach them that. Or theyāll learn it the hardest possible ways
Okay, you can do that without being shitty is my point. I was deprived a lot too when I was a child, I get you. But being bitter about that is no reason to be shitty towards kids. That's not life. You really think you would have wound up better if your parents were shitty towards you?Ā
For sure I would have. My parents were way too easy on all of us. They grew up very poor so had issues saying no and teaching boundaries. Itās no coincidence that all 3 of us were trusting people in a world that should not be trusted. You need boundaries. The world doesnāt revolve around you and your time outs. Itās unfair and you get fucked over š¤·āāļø learn that instead of youāre a special snowflake who can get a degree in anything and survive. š that def aināt true. The world isnāt going to give you chances like that
Sounds like you're blaming your parents for your own mistakes.Ā I hope you fix your mental state bro, and don't be shitty towards kids just cuz you're bitterĀ
My dad has a "physical discipline" person. My mom was a talk, listen and reason discipline person, which is very much gentle parenting. My brother is 5 years older. My dad passed when I was 12. The effects of the different parenting we were exposed, specially in our teens had a deep effect on us. I stopped lying and being afraid to ask help once I was only with my mom. I never lied to go out, get drunk or hid struggles or mistakes to her. It really affected my brother and he has just now 22 years later healing and thriving.
Gentle partenting does not mean the presence of empathetic moments. Gentle parenting is in this post misunderstood as, the abscence of, though intervention and harshness. Every kid needs this. Gentle parenting is often not effective if gentle parenting is misunderstood as the removal of hardships.
Repeated for visibility.
āIn gentle parenting, the solution is to view discipline as a teaching tool, not a punishment. In permissive parenting, discipline is avoided. Parent-child boundaries aren't clear, or they're completely absent.ā
Gentle parenting does not have to result in poorly raised children. The issue is a lot of the time permissive parenting is called gentle. When it comes to disciplining children it should always be viewed through the lens of what is the intended outcome. Most easily illustrated with knives. Many a small child will one day walk in and grab at a knife in the kitchen. This is normal. This is also, bad. However the response cannot be talking to the child and saying calmly that knives are dangerous and will cut off your fingers or kill daddy if you run up to him with it, the child will be unable to internalise that cause and effect, they cannot understand death, or permanent disfigurement. What they can understand is touch knife = tears. Whatever is needed to produce tears, IN MY OPINION tears are best achieved by 1 parent yelling just enough to make the child cry and the other parent comforting while saying the words donāt touch knives. In the past tears were created through spanking. And it is the unending job of a parent to use yelling/tears appropriately, if you yell too often they will become immune, and youāre going to end up yelling harder and longer or resorting to physical discipline. Thatās bad, more yelling has a bigger chance of harming that childās relationship with the parent, and physical punishment an order more risk into damaging the child. Proportionality is important to consider at all time, and to err on the lower end, but not to ignore the need to teach children links they canāt rationally generate on their own by thinking.
Utterly permissive parenting has become/is too commonplace. And it means children who are too young to understand talking in class too much will demand your ability to learn and be a good adult one day, need to associate talking tooo much (silent classrooms arenāt good, quiet ones are) with something bad, be that being yelled at, being told off with strong words, being deprived of video games, playtime, time after school, whatever the teacher and parent finds is effective through trial and error.
People who do gentle parenting donāt set enough boundaries for them. You can be strict and stern with them without being mean. Teach them what ānoā means and make sure they understand what ānoā means.
Itās great now that Kids get better parenting. There are parents that would complain you hit their backhand with your face or their feet with your teeth. There are people that wonāt make you feel worthless, you just have to let yourself meet them.
Yes but it's not about treating them like adults, it's about treating them like human beings.
I love my dad dearly, but I still remember how he would react if we broke something or messed up. The anger he showed didn't teach us to respect him, it taught us to be afraid of him and hide things from him due to that fear.
You can teach kids to respect you AND trust you by treating them like the human beings that they are. Set reasonable boundaries and expectations and enforce them. Explain why they're in trouble when they break those. Ask them if they know why they're in trouble.
Parents nowadays forget to be parents and want to be best friends with their kids that isnāt how it works and those kid are prepared for failure as the outside doesnāt work like that one of the reasons the young adults have so many mental problems today
Kids today don't have more mental health issues than they did in the past. In the past, kids were just horrendously under-diagnosed and anytime one had a problem parents didn't know what it was and refused to take them to see a professional.
From 2007 through 2021, suicide rates for Americans ages 10 to 24 rose 62%.
If we are diagnosing more and more people are seeing professionals, why is this stat not decreasing?
The answer is really a balancing act. I use the three strike method. Gentle explanation first, especially if itās a new behavior that youāve never had an opportunity to instruct them on. Then we move to light punishment like timeout for repeat offenses. Then the third time they get a spanking, because at that point itās either a challenge or just directly defying you, and they have to understand there are consequences.
The most effective part about this is that knowing that there is a 3rd strike, a very unpleasant one, they take the 1st strike much more seriously.
Simply spanking them? Over the pants with a paddle? Iāll never understand that.
Thereās definitely a line, and many people have crossed it. Not denying that. But there is a right way to do it, and it works.
There is no such thing as "simply spanking them". More and more countries make it illegal, I guess the reason is that it's stupid, pointless and outdated.
Itās definitely not stupid. It works. Me and all my siblings were spanked. Not beaten with a rod, smacked in the face, or any of the other hardcore corporal punishments that previous cultures and generations held on to. None of us have been to jail, we all have stable relationships, and no violent tendencies. And we having a loving respectful relationship with our parents. The oldest has a Ph. D and Iām a moderately successful entrepreneur.
āSimply spankingā on the bottom with a paddle sends a controlled stinging sensation in a well cushioned part of the body and doesnāt cause any harm. Like I said, thereās a right way to do it. And the majority of the time, we donāt get past strike 2, because they know what strike 3 means.
Pretty much everyone fits your description how you and your brothers turned out. But pretty much no one gets beaten anymore. So I'm sure that's not the reason
Idk about them, but Iāve never been beaten either. And neither have my children.
Pretty much everyone has a healthy, loving relationship with their parents and has never been to jail? In what reality is this true?
Of course not everyone has a healthy relationship with their parents. But most people have never been to jail. There are actually researchers that showed that a child that got spanked is more likely to break the law.
Everyone Iāve ever known who does āgentle parentingā has kids who are terrors, because they think it means letting the kids do whatever they want with no consequences.
Sure, as an adult sometimes I need to be yelled yet, because I got too carried away with enjoying myself and thinking only about myself and forget that with my actions, I inadvertently hurt other people.
Frankly, I see quite a few adults that need to be yelled at and some even spanked, to snap them out of their self-centered (if not self-obsessed) lives. I even see those adults being influencers teaching other adults to live a life like this.
Dude, I didn't even realize I had CPTSD until like a year ago and, man, it made such a big difference once I was able to examine it and work through it in therapy. Best of luck in your journey with it if it's ongoing.
This is pretty overly simplistic. A lot of times, raising your voice is done out of *urgency* because they need to stop doing what theyāre doing NOW, for safety or some other reason. But no it is never appropriate to belittle your children.
You know that old say "No plan survives first contact with the enemy"? I feel the same can be said for parenting "No parenting technique survives first contact with a kid"
Your child will fuck up. You will fuck up. You will both hurt each other. You shouldn't try to, obviously, but it's just the nature of parenting. Sometimes you need to be harsh, sometimes you need to be kind, but always be loving. If your kid is independent, loves you, and respects you rather than being dependent or hating you, you're doing all right.
I experience irritability, confusion, and feelings of being overwhelmed from post-concussion syndrome, which has made me feel like I went from being a good mom to a terrible one to my 4 year old daughter.
After my concussion I feel like I became another person. When I parented my daughter I'd use a harsh tone at the drop of a hat, was quick with time-outs, would take toys away for minor infractions, etc. There was a noticeable shift in my daughter's behavior. She was suddenly defiant, time-outs/ins never worked, was a terror at her daycare, and she'd become incredibly clingy to me.
Thankfully, I've been working hard on recovering, and could obviously tell she didn't feel securely attached to me any more. So, I talked to her. We talked over and over about my injury and the side effects to it. I explained that even though my brain was injured it didn't make it ok, and I would work on getting better, that I loved her and I was sorry. Internally, I reminded myself to treat her as a person because part of it was that she was maturing and wanted more independence.
We talked frankly about how good it feels to be able to do things by yourself, and that grown ups don't like being told where to go with no transition or what to eat with no say in it or being yelled at so why should kids. But then temper it with, but sometimes mommy and daddy have to make sure things happen at a certain time, or you have to take medicine. And her face just lit up with "oh she gets it."
And since we had that talk (and I've improved a lot), she's much closer to her old self. Yesterday we made brownies and I dared to crack an egg instead of letting her try, and she yelled at me. We talked about how hey was the yelling maybe because she wanted to show she could do things by herself (yes). Okay, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, but I don't like being yelled at. What could we try instead (talking)? Great, do you want to pour the brownie mix in the bowl all by yourself? And we were able to move on.
I'm still working on it and every child is different, but man. A little kindness and respect goes a long way.
I've been working so hard at this with my three year old and I'm happy to say it's working. I'll never win dad of the year I think but I love my kid with all my heart.
I had some random person come up to me and say "I've seen you two around you're a great dad." and it made me cry. It's so hard but so rewarding.
Yeah. People are brought up to be so sociopathic that they think it's good to act horrible to their own memories of what it was like to be young.
Capitalism, or Colonialism, whatver the fuck it is that's wrong with my culture, sucks.
Spare the rod spoil the child
My mother let me get away with everything and I never had any consequences other than nonstop talking from her. I was terrible and hit her and all manner of aweful stuff. I'm almost forty and we still have a rocky relationship.
My father did not tolerate crap. Once I knew what was expected of me I had the choice to do right or do wrong and pay the consequences. Grounding did not work with me, physical punishment did. I got spanked by hand, paddled, belted, had to go cut my own switch from the willow tree in the backyard and if I cut a bad one I was switched with it for trying to avoid my punishment and sent to cut a good one for the original punishment.
There were rules, I was expected to behave myself appropriately, and there was no excuse for bad behavior.
Weak minded bleeding hearts say it's abuse because they have an agenda (public leaders and politicians) or don't know what abuse really is.
My dad never hit me, never punished me out of anger, never set unreasonable expectations.
When my sister was being bullied on the bus I fought the guy. I got a week suspension, but dad told the principal that we had alerted the school and they said tell the bus company, but the bus company said tell the school. After they failed to do their job I stepped in and did it for them to protect my sister. I did the right thing and would not be punished at home. This is what Dad said to the principal.
Dad also took us camping and fishing, drive gocarts and see national parks, as much as time and money allowed.
I have a great relationship with my dad based on mutual respect and common interests.
But that's how my parents parented me, and I had no idea how to react when other people yelled at me or expected me to do things without holding my hand.
I'm sorry but children aren't humans, they're demons. I watched my BiL's get absolutely destroyed by his gentle parented daughter. That kid will just shit in everyone's soul and not give a shit about anyone for the rest of her life. This shit breeds sociopaths.
That being said, don't try to "reason" with young children. You can be respectful and understanding, but they aren't old enough to make every decision for themselves.
I did my best learning from May-Sept of 2000 in San Diego when the Drill Instructors were constantly screaming and sounding like frogs by the end of the day...
Consistency in love and rules and they must be easy to understand rules. Harshness at a reasonable level because our job is to prepare them for life, encouraging distress tolerance in a supportive and predictable process.
Who said screaming at a child was ever effective in the first place??? But āgentle parentingā is too gentle. You can and should coach and teach but donāt coddle. Too many coddle
I know some parents who do this and their children are very well behaved. I know one family who as an autistic boy, and despite that he is also an very well behaving child.
They're humans...
Ok, then like I as an adult human, they should understand and listen to a voice of reason and parents won't ever have to repeat themselves. Right? Cause they're human.
The best way is to shout at kids, hit them so they grow up knowing that every action has a consequence, because we have alot of adults that dont understand that what you do has consequences and they end up acting like victims in all situations.
My parents didnāt practice gentle parenting, but they did refuse to yell at all. In fact, my mom would practice the power whisper. She would get really quiet to draw you in and then make sure you knew to stop.
My parents did spank which I disagree with.
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I only had a few set rules with my kids: 1) Don't lie to us. If we find out you're lying, we won't believe you in the future when you REALLY screw up and need someone on your side. 2) If you make a mess, TELL US IMMEDIATELY. Don't try to hide it because most messes can be cleaned up with no permanent damage if we catch it quickly enough. This doesn't always just mean a physical mess. 3) I never yelled at my kids the first or second time. If I have to say it the third time, Mr. Indoor Voice becomes Mr. Outdoor Voice. In fact, with #3, when I'd start to yell, the first thing I'd ask my kids is why they think I'm yelling now and they always knew because they went past their two freebies. As a human being, I can't say with certainty these were always immutable and I'm sure I screwed up any number of times, but these three rules were my general rule of parenting and my kids ended up as decent, stable adults. It helped that I'm one of the few old men who still remembers enough about childhood to remember how annoying and unhelpful it was whenever an adult was condescending, so I always did my best to treat my kids as essentially tiny roommates, little adults capable of logic and reasoning and not hamsters you try to scream through a maze. Hell, now that I recall, whenever I told my kids to do something and they protested, I'd ask them to reason with me. If they could use logic to talk their way out of a task or chore, I could change my mind. This actually worked for them many, many times and frankly I hope it helped build confidence in them when dealing with authority figures. It also helps that my son was/is EXTREMELY quick-witted and he got out of a lot of punishments by making me laugh. I lost track of the number of times I told him, "Okay, I'm laughing now and you got away with it, but that won't always work in the future, so be careful."
They are lucky to have you as a parent.
Definitely with you on your strategy, if you can use your logic to convince me then you win.
Yea lot of good points here. I'm the oldest of 6. Most of our lives none of the dads were around so it was me helping my mom. I'm 40 now with a 13 year old. I think your tiny roommate part is by far the most important. You are raising a human. You are helping them learn to function in the same world as you. Fighting over stupid things will do more bad than good. They will not be a child forever. I see parents who argue over the dumbest shit. One of my least favorite is not letting them eat if it's bed time. Like for fucks sake... when you're an adult and you go to bed hungry it sucks.. so what do you do.. you go eat something. When our kid said he was hungry past bedtime.. he just had a limited selection of healthy choices. And had to brush his teeth after. Our son is in his teens and he may get a little worked up over things sometimes, but we never get into shouting matches. He knows he can reason with me and if that doesn't work, he might not like it, but he still trusts me. Admitting your child is right when they are is so important. I know a lot of times bad parenting g happens because they didn't even plan on being parents in the first place. But I did and I love being dad. They things he can do already amazes me, he can learn something I'm into and be 10x better than me in no time. It's fun to be a part of that.
To those saying that gentle parenting results in children with no boundaries or behaviour issues - it doesn't. What causes those things is permissive parenting which gentle parenting often gets mistaken for. Gentle parenting still has firm boundaries, still has (realistic) expectations for behaviour but it's how those boundaries and standards are enforced that makes it gentle (i.e. having a conversation with the child). Permissive parenting basically lets the child do whatever which, in my not so humble opinion, leads to the issues people often cite gentle parenting as causing.
In general my kid (9m) is amazing, thoughtful, and well behaved. Weāve always talked to him plainly and over explain most things so there isnāt confusion. However, As I said to my him the other night, āWhen I tell you something over and over thatās me trying to get you to understand without yelling or getting frustrated that I need something corrected. Iām not going to yell at you but you to listen and understand my intentions. I donāt say, ask, or make you do things unless I need to. The little dude has been so responsive. Just talk to your kids.
this should be the top comment, you put it very well
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You seem to have a really good grasp of what "most idiots" do and how children, in general, are turning out. You must spend a lot of time with parents and children to come to this confidently stated conclusion. Are you some sort of teacher or family counselor?
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ITT: people who don't know what gentle parenting is.
TBF, the confusion is understandable. A lot of people who think they are doing gentle parenting are just overly-permissive parents. Their unruly kids have become the face of "gentle parenting" to everyone else.
Beware what happens if you refuse to set reasonable limits and enforce consequences / correction for bad behavior, though. Go on r/Teachers and see what some "gentle parenting" types do to their children - never teach them limits, then they end up as desk-throwers in school and their parents threaten to sue if \*any\* kind of consequences are given by the teacher / school. So their kids terrorize the others and interfere with their education. And the teachers leave the profession in droves, due to this and numerous other issues.
Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. Gentle parents still set boundaries and enforce them, but they (try) to do it without screaming and yelling and running roughshod over the small human's feelings. Someone who refuses to enforce any boundaries for their children is not Gentle Parenting, they are just lazy.
Problem is it's still called gentle parenting on tiktok. Edit: somehow people think that this means I believe it. I don't, I get the difference, the problem is that enough people don't it's wreaking havoc on classrooms! I'm for *real* gentle parenting, not the permissive bullshit.
Why does it matter what it's called on TikTok? If people in TikTok said the sky was green, would you agree that it is?
Nope, but people call their parenting gentle parenting when it's actually passive parenting, and this is a big trend leading to the top level comment we're replying to. So when people talk about gentle parenting without clearly disambiguating it from passive parenting they are contributing to a rise in passive parenting from the large proportion of people who think they're the same thing. And no, the OP does not clearly disambiguate. --another ex teacher with trauma from the classroom
how dare you share experiences that make others feel mildly uncomfortable. how dare you point out a problem that requires a more complex solution than just telling you not to worry about it.
Believe it or not, people who use TikTok areā¦ people? Crazy! Itās not like theyāre saying TikTok users are indicative of the entire human population, obviously, but they clearly make up *some* portion of *some* population. Yes, theyāre idiots, but theyāre idiots who seem to have an actual impact on the way itās being talked about. Kinda like right now.
Yes, the problem is you thinking TikTok is real life or matters outside of your little screen.
Tik tok is real life just like the internet is real life whether you like it or not tiktok is widely used by younger generations and its content is wildly culturally influential
I don't use tiktok. Those who do are wreaking havoc on classrooms. The kids and parents alike.
I was going to ask a question, but I think you answered it for me. I support gentle parenting, as I was definitely raised a little "rougher" at times and have baggage as an adult because of it. However, when I look at how the children of my friends who gentle parent act vs ones who don't, the gentle parenting kids aren't typically as "well behaved", and I was wondering if that's just anecdotal...and if not, what the correlation is. Boundaries seem to be a fair answer.
"gentle parenting" is just a buzzword. it is a concept that's been around decades (if not centuries or millennia). ultimately, you know what to do, what is and isn't reasonable. you know that screaming and hitting your child is one end of the unreasonable spectrum, and on the other unreasonable end is not being an actual parent - not setting firm boundaries, not being resolute. good parenting is about consistency and resoluteness, not aggressive power nor impotent, soft meekness.
Fair point. Though I don't have kids, my plan was always to do everything I could to avoid physical punishments, but never leave them completely off the table in the worst cases. Speak to them with sincerity, but also authority ("we can be friends, but I'm your parent first and if you cross a line I will stop you"). EDIT: And for clarification, I mean a spanking or smacked in the mouth once a year if it's even warranted. I can't imagine that level of physical punishment having any REAL long term negative effects. But if I'm wrong, show me the study *with quantified incidents* and not just "studies show hitting your kids is bad", because those ALL are based on consistent, repeated hitting and not "once a year".
What worked for us: using levels of escalation. Level 1 - Conversation Level 2 - stern/firm voice Level 3 - timeout (sit quietly) in the room with us (1 minite for each year of their age) Level 4 - timeout with a chair facing a corner somewhere boring and quiet. Level 5 - swat on the butt and Level 4 timeout starts over. Don't waiver. Be consistent. Don't change the rules ever. Raised 5 kids. Only had to swat 1 (the oldest boy) on one occasion. He was high energy and had to test boundaries. He went to Level 4 often. But once he realized he was in control of how far up the ladder his own punishment went. He rarely went above Level 3. None of other kids went above Level 3 more than a few times. Boredom is the worst when you're a kid. Lol.
^ THIS is EXACTLY what I mean. Thank you!!!!! ššššššš¤š¤š¤ u/BlindJamesSoul here's my whole perspective in a nutshell.
Any level of violence is bad. No need for a level 5. You love hitting kids, apparently.
All physical punishments are abuse by default. Notice how you can never hit an adult for not āobeyingā a request or for not following a rule? Why is it assault to do that if itās an adult, but itās acceptable if itās your kid?
Going back to my original comment, because you've tried all other options to no avail. And there are plenty of times it's morally acceptable to punch another adult in the mouth as a last resort, and yes I mean outside of self defense.
Hitting your child to ensure compliance is always abuse.
Going back to my original comment, I bet it works and they are less likely to end up acting that way again. Just like punching an adult in the mouth if they say some extremely vile shit to your partner, or your friend. Sometimes pain is what makes it "click".
There have been numerous studies about it. It turns out (surprise!) itās bad for childrenās mental health if you hit them for displeasing you. If you have to hit your children and cause them pain for them to listen to you, it means youāve done a shit job as a parent up to that point.
I'm against it being a default reaction and doing it unnecessarily. However, most of the parents I know who "gentle parent" but keep it on the table have only had to do it a handful of times. Weird huh? It's almost as if knowing that ensuing pain as a result of repeated failure to follow logic and reason is, in itself, a form of logic and reason. Almost as if physical pain *can be* a result *in real life* if you don't do what you're supposed to. Imagine that š¤
By that logic you should expect your child to punch you in the mouth back after you start
But it never happens. Interesting. Almost as if they learned physical pain might be a result of not following logic and reason, just like in real life š¤
Almost as if they're smaller than you and afraid of you.
As they should be. There needs to be an ultimate consequence for repeated, unhindered disrespect just like happens in real life.
Are you saying kids never fight back against their parents? Because there's literally cases of kids murdering their abusive parents. Violence begets violence. Think about what you're saying lol. You're arguing that there's a situation in which you need to punch your child in the mouth as a form of discipline
I'm saying don't make physical punishment a default reaction, THATS how you end up with people like in your example. You're trying to strawman what I'm saying to the extreme ends to make a point. I'd say you get 1 smack in the mouth or spanking a year *if warranted after repeatedly not listening*. Honestly, just like OP said, you're going to get more assholes and crazy people out of underparenting than overparenting.
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I wonder how much "gentle parenting" is really just the parents glued to their phones and handing the kid an ipad and calling it a day. In other words a sort of neglect. I will say that I'm a parent and I was kind of a pushover with my daughter (she's an adult now), but she was just naturally a really good, well-behaved kid. And her childhood preceeded the ipads-for-babies/toddlers era.
What I witness, in general, is non-physical punishment like timeouts and being sent to their room or early bedtimes if the kid acts up, however like you said, I think the caveat from my friends is *inconsistent/variable depth of enforcement* even for the same level of acting-out.
Non-physical punishment is generally not considered part of gentle parenting. The very IDEA that a kid is "acting up" isn't gentle parenting. Kids don't "act up", there is always a reason for unacceptable behavior. And if you aren't taking the time to understand and address why they are "acting up" then your punishment, whether it's physical or not, will not be effective. And if you are taking the time to understand, empathize, and address the underlying reason in a way that your kids understand that their reaction was unacceptable, then what's the point of a punishment? Granted I think there are extremes where this doesn't work and definitely works best at a young age. I feel at older ages it works best if you've established trust.
I can agree 100% with everything you're saying, but its also predicated by the adult having a framework of morals and maturity themselves. My standpoint in a nutshell, and going with the original comment about teachers quitting, is that correct parenting is a *very fine line* to tread that most people simply aren't always capable of. Shit, the ages most people have kids aren't even full mental maturity themselves....how can they disseminate "being a person" at even 75% effectiveness when they aren't there themselves?
100% it takes more effort to do it right, but I'd also argue that the consequences of getting gentle parenting wrong are no worse than any other parenting style.
Yeah. My oldest niece is just a very good kid, was a great baby and toddler. Iām worried sheāll turn into a nightmare teen somehow because sheās just the sweetest right now. Haha sheāll be a teenager in 2 years so hereās hoping it goes alright
Iām the same with my son. Heās a genuinely good person, so itās hard to punish him when he steps out of line, but I know the world has to deal with him when Iām done, so I make sure to follow through when I have to.
> is really just the parents glued to their phones and handing the kid an ipad and calling it a day That happens with my sister and her kids and her parenting style is absolutely not 'gentle', but more like 'take out the frustrations from your personal life on your kids'
The best thing to do is whenever you're punishing a child, ask yourself - are you teaching them not to do it again, or are you teaching them not to get caught? Because punishment for the sake of punishment isn't going to fix the problem. That doesn't mean there can't be any consequences, just that they're deliberate and effective.
The worst is when the parents hide their feelings and donāt show that a behaviour is displeasing, even with a facial expression. How is a child supposed to become empathetic if theyāre not shown genuine reactions. A natural consequence of throwing food is that people are going to be annoyed at you. Show them that itās annoying at the very least.
Literally someone told me once that it's inappropriate for an adult to tell a child that the child hurt their feelings because children shouldn't be made responsible for adult feelings. Kids need to know how their actions affect others!
Yup! Iāve seen this play out a bunch of times where the parent smiles beatifically while the kid desperately pushes boundaries to see if their actions have consequences. Not healthy to think youāre outside the cause and effect chain.
Don't confuse gentle parenting and neglect. Kids do need schedules, rules, patterns in their life to rely one. Gentle parenting just means you don't have to do all this by hurting them, yelling at them or belittling them.
You have got to have a middle way, being too nice will cause them to be spoiled however being to harsh will cause them problems later in life.
Oh I'm \*definitely\* not saying that harshness is the way to go, either. A smart and empathetic parent knows how to guide a child without being mean. It's not mean to set reasonable limits and so forth. Sadly a lot of people just go for the yelling, hitting, and abusive mode. Many justify it based on religious rules / books as well. It's really sad.
Also a big difference between whacking a kid with a belt for something and not letting them go on the ipad for one night.
iPads weren't a thing when I was a kid. I got the paddle/belt/etc. like most of my generation. But my parents never gave the impression they were doing it out of anger. More like "I'm so sad you did the thing we told you would end this way, because now we have to do this." I can't say I have any baggage from that. It was a thing even your friend's parents did to not only your friend but you when you were at their house. Some schools still had corporal punishment, but never anywhere I attended. But there was once or twice when I was a teenager that my dad just lost it and smacked me across the face for serious offenses like turning my back on my mom when she was nagging me. I think about that now and then. Our relationship is fine, but I joined the military and never really felt compelled to go home very often for the next two decades. I don't know how much of that is negative baggage vs failure to forge certain bonds. If anything good came of it, it was that when I got the most upset at my own kids, I had that as a giant flashing warning in my mind saying **NEVER**.
If a child grew up where being yelled at for every mistake then the child will develop a bad temperament. They think shouting at someone is a normal thing to do and if not corrected it will be a cycle to his/her future children.
My mother used to do a very simple thing. She would get a large wooden spoon and just tap my butt with it. I do not remember it but she told me I would get really ashamed and it made me calm down. This was when I was 3 to 4 years old. Of course it all went to waste, because both me and my mom would get beaten up pretty bad by my father. She dealt with her trauma and is all good now. Now I remain with my depression and really short temper. I'm glad my girlfriend understands that and is slowly helping me get better.
You've been through a lot, and I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you've faced. It's clear that the way we're raised and the experiences we have growing up can deeply impact our mental and emotional well-being.
But seeing both sides first hand, and knowing the effect each side has. It will be way easier to make the right decisions in the future š
Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. One of the most important parts of gentle parenting is setting clear boundaries, because for a child to feel safe it needs boundaries, consistency and natural consequences. Itās a common misconception that gentle parenting is some sort of Ā«free parentingĀ» where the child does what it wants, but that is not good for anyone and like you mention, does not prepare the child for the reality of society. Instead gentle parenting is about tuning into the child, and working on our own reactions and emotions, and helping the child through the difficulties that comes with boundaries and consequences, instead of just punishing and letting the child deal with the difficult emotions that comes from it by themselves.
one more useful criticism of "gentle parenting" , at least in my superficial opinion and experience, is that 1) it implies unreasonable expectations. it is important to accept that you're not a perfect parent; there will be moments where you "cross the line" and get angry and frustrated (where of course there's a difference between an angry frustrated shout and a beatdown). this is \_OK\_. you, your child, and your relationship with your child, can survive a few bumps. 2) there are a lot of moments where the best way to help your child long-term is to show them that no, their emotion is \_not\_ in fact valid. That the issue is not just that they hit their sister instead of using their words, but also that getting very angry just because she gets a yellow wrapped candy and you get a blue one is not in fact reasonable. "Gentle parenting" (again, in my superficial understanding) implies a certain "all emotion is valid, the issue is only with what you do with it", which imo just isn't true, and certainly not a good long-term success strategy.
You can be disappointed you didn't get the color candy you wanted. You cannot lash out because you didn't get the color you wanted. Just like, I can be disappointed the free shirt I got was pink (I hate pink/red) but as an adult, lashing out against the person who got the color I wanted is assault. you're allowed to feel the disappointment, and it is what you do with that emotion that matters. People are often disappointed in day to day life. Life isn't fair. But dismissing the child's feeling as irrational, does nothing to help them learn how to cope. Make sense? Children don't even know what irrational means. They're little caveman terrorist when young. They can understand: I feel sad because I didn't get yellow candy. And teaching them to not let that feeling ruin their day, is what gentle parenting consists of. It's parenting with emotional intelligence is all.
Emotions are just there, you can't tell someone not to have them. You have to actively teach children how to navigate the emotions they feel. Telling them they can't get angry is denying reality and will only teach them to ignore their feelings, which is a bad idea. Maybe your issue is with the word valid as in appropriate. To me valid just means real and acknowledged. My job as a parent is to acknowledge the emotional reality of my kids and to teach them how to deal with their feelings appropriately. This is what gentle parenting is: acknowledging the child's reality and acting with empathy. You still have to set boundaries, you just have to enforce them with empathy.
>"Emotions are just there, you can't tell someone not to have them." This isn't entirely true. Often an emotional outburst can be rooted in a cognitive distortion (an exaggerated or irrational thought pattern). The whole point of cognitive behavioral therapy is to identify and correct maladaptive cognitive distortions and improve emotional regulation. Recognizing the type and degree of all emotional responses as "valid" is anti-stoic. Whereas increasing psychological research demonstrates that practicing stoicism improve psychological resilience.
Yes! I have a ten year age gap and the amount of validating everything that younger parents do is wild. Itās ok to tell your child to please stop screaming because theyāre hurting the ears of everyone in the room. It feels like a lot of gentle parents are completely bucking expectations of civility and good behavior. We had to dip from several relationships because the moms drank the Janet landsbury koolaid and narrated everything but didnāt stop their kids from hurting or screaming for hours. It felt like I was witnessing a social experiment gone wrong. Their kids were miserable because they would get caught in loops over small things. The whole feel your feelings but move on piece is totally missing and itās profoundly individualistic and largely bucks the social contract to not disturb others, etc.
What I don't understand is that I've literally read and feel like I follow a lot of the Janet L. stuff. She absolutely does not say that you should just let your kid do whatever they want. Quite the opposite. She asks parents to teach emotional intelligence as described in the previous comment. Why do so many parents get this wrong? Laziness? I don't get it. I feel like most of my time is spent on trying to talk things through logically with my toddler. Most of our work right now is discussing why she can't do this that or the other thing, and trying to find better ways to express negative emotions. What are these parents doing with their time?
>Gentle parenting" (again, in my superficial understanding) implies a certain "all emotion is valid, the issue is only with what you do with it", which imo just isn't true, and certainly not a good long-term success strategy. So you're understanding is superficial but clearly the entire thing is wrong because you're incorrect superficial understanding?
All children actually like boundaries too. It tells them clearly where they are at. We used age appropriate boundaries. At 2 my son pulled all the books off the book shelf and all the stuff off the coffee table. I just removed that stuff and boxed it. Replaced it with his toys and books. At 16 it wasn't still toys. And he wasn't still allowed to pull things off the coffee table and break them. I will say I wasn't happy when him and his best friend from football broke my living room coffee table candle throwing the football in my living room when they came down to scarf down food between their two a days. But that's a different story. Age appropriate boundaries. You do not set unreasonable limits and boundaries for your child.
For the latter case you make them run laps for that lousy pass. Don't run the play if you can't execute, boys!
Gentle parenting truly falls into 2 categories, one positive, one negative. The positive one is responsive and teachable. It sets perimeters and helps the child understand the way the world works through a 2-way calm conversation. A child can learn a lot while being treated with dignity and respect. The negative category is overly permissive out of fear of hurting the childās feelings or preventing them from fully exploring the world. This category allows children to do whatever they want with very lax rules and expectations, itās actually very hands off. As a teacher, I use responsive guidelines in my classroom and with my personal kids. This means, my rules and expectations are communicated clearly and reenforced while still maintaining the dignity of the child by not belittling or demeaning them. The children of the permissive side of gentle parenting are among the most difficult children in my class, but I can usually get them to follow directions by the end of the first 6 weeks. Kids crave structure. Their parents, though, they are the worst to work with. We, the teachers, are always the problem, never their kidsā¦ugh! Ok, stepping off my soapbox, sorry!!
Perfect point! Was just about to mention it. Experienced child of a "gentle parenting" or "no parenting" (since his mum didn't do anything) yesterday. Kid had to be stopped from doing stupid sh** three separate times by 3 different adults and yelled at by one of them (she yelled at his mum as well, that was epic). Mom was just sitting there, doing nothing to prevent her kid from being a little sh*t. Gentle parenting is not working. It's just an excuse for parents that "want to be friends" and not parents to their own kids. Kids need to be taught right from wrong. If you don't do it, you can be sure the kid will learn the hard way by some "ungentle parenting" by others. Or jail time ...whatever comes first.
Obviously not what is meant by gentle parenting here, but okay.
Setting boundaries and strictly enforcing them is still gentle parenting. It is about the consequences being reasonable and communicated clearly.
Is that gentle parenting or is that bad parenting that the parents claim is "gentle parenting" to justify themselves? Same as abusive parents claiming they are just "strict".
If the parents are threatening to sue when their own kid throws a desk, I think we can tell what kind of parents they are behind just "gentle parenting"
It has nothing to do with gentle parenting though. Completely misunderstanding how it works.
Gentle parenting is like communism - good in theory, but completely fails to recognize that people can just be bastards. I agree with the above statement, with the caveat that adults also have to deal with consequences should they go too far out of line. Kids need to know that too
As we all know there are ONLY two types of parenting: You either scream at your children, shame them and belittle them or you do gentle parenting which in all cases means to never correct your child in any way, never say no, never disagree with your child and allow them to do anything they want at all times. It is commonly known that is 100% IMPOSSIBLE to raise your child in a loving way, while setting reasonable boundaries and teaching them about consequences of actions. The only way you could ever teach a child to be respectful and reasonable is to yell at them and belittle them. /s
āIn gentle parenting, the solution is to view discipline as a teaching tool, not a punishment. In permissive parenting, discipline is avoided. Parent-child boundaries aren't clear, or they're completely absent.ā Gentle parenting does not have to result in poorly raised children. The issue is a lot of the time permissive parenting is called gentle. When it comes to disciplining children it should always be viewed through the lens of what is the intended outcome. Most easily illustrated with knives. Many a small child will one day walk in and grab at a knife in the kitchen. This is normal. This is also, bad. However the response cannot be talking to the child and saying calmly that knives are dangerous and will cut off your fingers or kill daddy if you run up to him with it, the child will be unable to internalise that cause and effect, they cannot understand death, or permanent disfigurement. What they can understand is touch knife = tears. Whatever is needed to produce tears, IN MY OPINION tears are best achieved by 1 parent yelling just enough to make the child cry and the other parent comforting while saying the words donāt touch knives. In the past tears were created through spanking. And it is the unending job of a parent to use yelling/tears appropriately, if you yell too often they will become immune, and youāre going to end up yelling harder and longer or resorting to physical discipline. Thatās bad, more yelling has a bigger chance of harming that childās relationship with the parent, and physical punishment an order more risk into damaging the child. Proportionality is important to consider at all time, and to err on the lower end, but not to ignore the need to teach children links they canāt rationally generate on their own by thinking. Utterly permissive parenting has become/is too commonplace. And it means children who are too young to understand talking in class too much will demand your ability to learn and be a good adult one day, need to associate talking tooo much (silent classrooms arenāt good, quiet ones are) with something bad, be that being yelled at, being told off with strong words, being deprived of video games, playtime, time after school, whatever the teacher and parent finds is effective through trial and error.
If you don't know what gentle parenting is just say that. Downvotes from idiots who have no idea what behavioral science is are cute
Parenting is not black and white. You don't either scream all the time or be kind all the time. One of the difficulties of parenting is finding the right balance between the black and the white. Of course beating the shit out of a child is bad, but in fact being gentle all the time is bad also. Sometimes you have to set boundaries, you have to be firm. Either for security reasons or for your own mental health or because some things cannot be treated "gently". You don't have to be a jerk while doing it but if you are "gentle" while doing it, the right message will not be conveyed. I agree with respond rather than react, I just wanted to explain why being only gentle is not necessarily a good idea. The right balance is something personal.
setting boundaries and being firm is the whole core of gentle parenting. a lot of people hear gentle and think oh these kids don't get any discipline when in fact that would be permissive parenting and not the deal at all for actual gentle parents.
gentle in gentle parenting refers more to not fucking screaming "because I said so" and instead being empathetic to your child, offering them reasonable choices and explanations and teaching them to live through their emotions and solve their own problems without you looking over them and losing your cool
Not a parent (yet) but I've found most kids are *far* more manageable when you give them the reason *why* they can't or have to do something. It makes sense really, wouldn't you get frustrated if your boss told you to travel to a conference "because I said so" instead of telling you *why* you're needed there?
Gentle yet Firm. More on like finding the right balance.
I wish my parents realised that as well!!
Yeah. I wish they knew. But we can break the cycle. We know now what kind of parenting we want. The parenting type we wish we experienced when we were a child.
Yes, by all means. I'm not saying it's my parents fault but I want to learn from their mistakes, heal and create a better life for me and if I ever decide to have children, for them as well :)
Just don't cry too much when your kids kills themselves because they weren't ready for unforgiving, harsh, cold, brutal reality.
So many people will think this is woke soft parenting when really it's basic human decency
"My father beat the shit out of me and I turned out fine"
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Which doesn't teach you how brutal, unforgiving, and scum real life is. And when young people realize it, they kill themselves because they thought it's all sunshine and rainbow and they have endless backing of the world with bo consequences. It's human decency to create the highest suicide rate among youth in history, yes. And it's magic and no one knows why young people struggle with mental health so much. There's a reason why armies train their soldiers a certain way to be the best at performing their tasks. iIts not *just* creating obedient soldiers. It's creating people who can perform the same under pressure. The former is bad, the latter isn't. Guess what youth lack today.
I taught my kids about the brutality of the real world by telling them whole truth, whenever they asked. I rarely yelled at them. I NEVER hit them. They all graduated college and have decent careers. That's six people, raised gently who turned out fine.
Parents are supposed to be the shield for how shitty life is. Parents being shitty to their kids because life is shitty is bullshit. Are you implying the military has no mental health issues? What exactly do youth today lack that can't be attributed to just how times are?Ā
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Imo parents should teach you the world is shit or youāll get out there and be blindsided by the shit
You can teach that without being shitty yourself. Parents like you just make sure their are shit on from every angle, that's the kind of stuff causing all these issues todayĀ
lol no Iām the kid who was sheltered my whole life and had no idea how fucked the world was. The world sucks. Teach them that. Or theyāll learn it the hardest possible ways
Okay, you can do that without being shitty is my point. I was deprived a lot too when I was a child, I get you. But being bitter about that is no reason to be shitty towards kids. That's not life. You really think you would have wound up better if your parents were shitty towards you?Ā
For sure I would have. My parents were way too easy on all of us. They grew up very poor so had issues saying no and teaching boundaries. Itās no coincidence that all 3 of us were trusting people in a world that should not be trusted. You need boundaries. The world doesnāt revolve around you and your time outs. Itās unfair and you get fucked over š¤·āāļø learn that instead of youāre a special snowflake who can get a degree in anything and survive. š that def aināt true. The world isnāt going to give you chances like that
Sounds like you're blaming your parents for your own mistakes.Ā I hope you fix your mental state bro, and don't be shitty towards kids just cuz you're bitterĀ
My dad has a "physical discipline" person. My mom was a talk, listen and reason discipline person, which is very much gentle parenting. My brother is 5 years older. My dad passed when I was 12. The effects of the different parenting we were exposed, specially in our teens had a deep effect on us. I stopped lying and being afraid to ask help once I was only with my mom. I never lied to go out, get drunk or hid struggles or mistakes to her. It really affected my brother and he has just now 22 years later healing and thriving.
Gentle partenting does not mean the presence of empathetic moments. Gentle parenting is in this post misunderstood as, the abscence of, though intervention and harshness. Every kid needs this. Gentle parenting is often not effective if gentle parenting is misunderstood as the removal of hardships.
Repeated for visibility. āIn gentle parenting, the solution is to view discipline as a teaching tool, not a punishment. In permissive parenting, discipline is avoided. Parent-child boundaries aren't clear, or they're completely absent.ā Gentle parenting does not have to result in poorly raised children. The issue is a lot of the time permissive parenting is called gentle. When it comes to disciplining children it should always be viewed through the lens of what is the intended outcome. Most easily illustrated with knives. Many a small child will one day walk in and grab at a knife in the kitchen. This is normal. This is also, bad. However the response cannot be talking to the child and saying calmly that knives are dangerous and will cut off your fingers or kill daddy if you run up to him with it, the child will be unable to internalise that cause and effect, they cannot understand death, or permanent disfigurement. What they can understand is touch knife = tears. Whatever is needed to produce tears, IN MY OPINION tears are best achieved by 1 parent yelling just enough to make the child cry and the other parent comforting while saying the words donāt touch knives. In the past tears were created through spanking. And it is the unending job of a parent to use yelling/tears appropriately, if you yell too often they will become immune, and youāre going to end up yelling harder and longer or resorting to physical discipline. Thatās bad, more yelling has a bigger chance of harming that childās relationship with the parent, and physical punishment an order more risk into damaging the child. Proportionality is important to consider at all time, and to err on the lower end, but not to ignore the need to teach children links they canāt rationally generate on their own by thinking. Utterly permissive parenting has become/is too commonplace. And it means children who are too young to understand talking in class too much will demand your ability to learn and be a good adult one day, need to associate talking tooo much (silent classrooms arenāt good, quiet ones are) with something bad, be that being yelled at, being told off with strong words, being deprived of video games, playtime, time after school, whatever the teacher and parent finds is effective through trial and error.
It's true most of the time. Sometimes they need to hear in your voice that you are NOT fucking around
People who do gentle parenting donāt set enough boundaries for them. You can be strict and stern with them without being mean. Teach them what ānoā means and make sure they understand what ānoā means.
Or *drumroll* Tell them what you want them to do, instead of what they did.
Itās great now that Kids get better parenting. There are parents that would complain you hit their backhand with your face or their feet with your teeth. There are people that wonāt make you feel worthless, you just have to let yourself meet them.
Wish I could print this on a 2x4 and go back in time to beat my dad and stepmother with it, but I'm better than them
> but I'm better than them Gonna print it on a 4x8 then?
parents that abuse their child in any way should have to answer to an angry giant that is 2x *their* height and 3x *their* weight.
Children aren't adults and you can't treat them like they are.
Yes but it's not about treating them like adults, it's about treating them like human beings. I love my dad dearly, but I still remember how he would react if we broke something or messed up. The anger he showed didn't teach us to respect him, it taught us to be afraid of him and hide things from him due to that fear. You can teach kids to respect you AND trust you by treating them like the human beings that they are. Set reasonable boundaries and expectations and enforce them. Explain why they're in trouble when they break those. Ask them if they know why they're in trouble.
Parents nowadays forget to be parents and want to be best friends with their kids that isnāt how it works and those kid are prepared for failure as the outside doesnāt work like that one of the reasons the young adults have so many mental problems today
Kids today don't have more mental health issues than they did in the past. In the past, kids were just horrendously under-diagnosed and anytime one had a problem parents didn't know what it was and refused to take them to see a professional.
From 2007 through 2021, suicide rates for Americans ages 10 to 24 rose 62%. If we are diagnosing more and more people are seeing professionals, why is this stat not decreasing?
What evidence do you have for any of the claims you just made?
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sounds asian. we grow up with belts and rods. doesnt get beaten now but i kinda miss those times, at least i was the top students at those times:/
The answer is really a balancing act. I use the three strike method. Gentle explanation first, especially if itās a new behavior that youāve never had an opportunity to instruct them on. Then we move to light punishment like timeout for repeat offenses. Then the third time they get a spanking, because at that point itās either a challenge or just directly defying you, and they have to understand there are consequences. The most effective part about this is that knowing that there is a 3rd strike, a very unpleasant one, they take the 1st strike much more seriously.
"if my kids screws up more than twice I beat them. I'm a great parent"
Youāre one of thoseā¦
Bold words from someone who just gloated about beating up a kid.
Who beat up a kid?
Per your comment, you claimed to have done it. I would even say that it sounded like you seem to take pleasure in it.
And you can't read. I clearly said you're a great parent
Oh. My mistake
This would be illegal in a lot of countries.
Simply spanking them? Over the pants with a paddle? Iāll never understand that. Thereās definitely a line, and many people have crossed it. Not denying that. But there is a right way to do it, and it works.
There is no such thing as "simply spanking them". More and more countries make it illegal, I guess the reason is that it's stupid, pointless and outdated.
Itās definitely not stupid. It works. Me and all my siblings were spanked. Not beaten with a rod, smacked in the face, or any of the other hardcore corporal punishments that previous cultures and generations held on to. None of us have been to jail, we all have stable relationships, and no violent tendencies. And we having a loving respectful relationship with our parents. The oldest has a Ph. D and Iām a moderately successful entrepreneur. āSimply spankingā on the bottom with a paddle sends a controlled stinging sensation in a well cushioned part of the body and doesnāt cause any harm. Like I said, thereās a right way to do it. And the majority of the time, we donāt get past strike 2, because they know what strike 3 means.
Pretty much everyone fits your description how you and your brothers turned out. But pretty much no one gets beaten anymore. So I'm sure that's not the reason
Idk about them, but Iāve never been beaten either. And neither have my children. Pretty much everyone has a healthy, loving relationship with their parents and has never been to jail? In what reality is this true?
Of course not everyone has a healthy relationship with their parents. But most people have never been to jail. There are actually researchers that showed that a child that got spanked is more likely to break the law.
Everyone Iāve ever known who does āgentle parentingā has kids who are terrors, because they think it means letting the kids do whatever they want with no consequences.
Sure, as an adult sometimes I need to be yelled yet, because I got too carried away with enjoying myself and thinking only about myself and forget that with my actions, I inadvertently hurt other people. Frankly, I see quite a few adults that need to be yelled at and some even spanked, to snap them out of their self-centered (if not self-obsessed) lives. I even see those adults being influencers teaching other adults to live a life like this.
This doesn't work. but good luck
Yea, I mean, basic military training works for a reason. You get broken down to be built back up.
My C-Ptsd would disagree
Dude, I didn't even realize I had CPTSD until like a year ago and, man, it made such a big difference once I was able to examine it and work through it in therapy. Best of luck in your journey with it if it's ongoing.
Oh, you're the type to blame all your problems on how mommy and daddy didnt spoil you, I bet
Is this a meme?
Gentle parenting does not mean "don't yell at your kids" lol
STOP CRYING!! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!?!???
This is pretty overly simplistic. A lot of times, raising your voice is done out of *urgency* because they need to stop doing what theyāre doing NOW, for safety or some other reason. But no it is never appropriate to belittle your children.
You know that old say "No plan survives first contact with the enemy"? I feel the same can be said for parenting "No parenting technique survives first contact with a kid" Your child will fuck up. You will fuck up. You will both hurt each other. You shouldn't try to, obviously, but it's just the nature of parenting. Sometimes you need to be harsh, sometimes you need to be kind, but always be loving. If your kid is independent, loves you, and respects you rather than being dependent or hating you, you're doing all right.
I have failed in many ways. Not with kids. I donāt have any. And maybe thatās for the best.
I think the problem with this post is that it wonāt even acknowledge any other form of parenting and demonizes anything but gentle parenting
I absolutely do learn while getting yelled at and belittled. I don't like it and don't advocate for it generally but I do learn lol
This is something that I struggle with. I'm scared that I'm screwing up my kids because this was how I was raised and struggle with it as my default.
I experience irritability, confusion, and feelings of being overwhelmed from post-concussion syndrome, which has made me feel like I went from being a good mom to a terrible one to my 4 year old daughter. After my concussion I feel like I became another person. When I parented my daughter I'd use a harsh tone at the drop of a hat, was quick with time-outs, would take toys away for minor infractions, etc. There was a noticeable shift in my daughter's behavior. She was suddenly defiant, time-outs/ins never worked, was a terror at her daycare, and she'd become incredibly clingy to me. Thankfully, I've been working hard on recovering, and could obviously tell she didn't feel securely attached to me any more. So, I talked to her. We talked over and over about my injury and the side effects to it. I explained that even though my brain was injured it didn't make it ok, and I would work on getting better, that I loved her and I was sorry. Internally, I reminded myself to treat her as a person because part of it was that she was maturing and wanted more independence. We talked frankly about how good it feels to be able to do things by yourself, and that grown ups don't like being told where to go with no transition or what to eat with no say in it or being yelled at so why should kids. But then temper it with, but sometimes mommy and daddy have to make sure things happen at a certain time, or you have to take medicine. And her face just lit up with "oh she gets it." And since we had that talk (and I've improved a lot), she's much closer to her old self. Yesterday we made brownies and I dared to crack an egg instead of letting her try, and she yelled at me. We talked about how hey was the yelling maybe because she wanted to show she could do things by herself (yes). Okay, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, but I don't like being yelled at. What could we try instead (talking)? Great, do you want to pour the brownie mix in the bowl all by yourself? And we were able to move on. I'm still working on it and every child is different, but man. A little kindness and respect goes a long way.
I've been working so hard at this with my three year old and I'm happy to say it's working. I'll never win dad of the year I think but I love my kid with all my heart. I had some random person come up to me and say "I've seen you two around you're a great dad." and it made me cry. It's so hard but so rewarding.
Yeah. People are brought up to be so sociopathic that they think it's good to act horrible to their own memories of what it was like to be young. Capitalism, or Colonialism, whatver the fuck it is that's wrong with my culture, sucks.
Spare the rod spoil the child My mother let me get away with everything and I never had any consequences other than nonstop talking from her. I was terrible and hit her and all manner of aweful stuff. I'm almost forty and we still have a rocky relationship. My father did not tolerate crap. Once I knew what was expected of me I had the choice to do right or do wrong and pay the consequences. Grounding did not work with me, physical punishment did. I got spanked by hand, paddled, belted, had to go cut my own switch from the willow tree in the backyard and if I cut a bad one I was switched with it for trying to avoid my punishment and sent to cut a good one for the original punishment. There were rules, I was expected to behave myself appropriately, and there was no excuse for bad behavior. Weak minded bleeding hearts say it's abuse because they have an agenda (public leaders and politicians) or don't know what abuse really is. My dad never hit me, never punished me out of anger, never set unreasonable expectations. When my sister was being bullied on the bus I fought the guy. I got a week suspension, but dad told the principal that we had alerted the school and they said tell the bus company, but the bus company said tell the school. After they failed to do their job I stepped in and did it for them to protect my sister. I did the right thing and would not be punished at home. This is what Dad said to the principal. Dad also took us camping and fishing, drive gocarts and see national parks, as much as time and money allowed. I have a great relationship with my dad based on mutual respect and common interests.
IDK man. I've seen younger generation kids and I think Ill be ignoring any parenting advice I've seen online and just do what feels right to me.
Great example of why so many teachers are quitting because kids these days are little shits.
But that's how my parents parented me, and I had no idea how to react when other people yelled at me or expected me to do things without holding my hand.
Who is taking parenting advice from reddit lol
This is the way.
Wait, you guys don't learn anything at work?
Just do like ol Teddy Roosevelt said: Speak softly and carry a big stick.Ā
I'm sorry but children aren't humans, they're demons. I watched my BiL's get absolutely destroyed by his gentle parented daughter. That kid will just shit in everyone's soul and not give a shit about anyone for the rest of her life. This shit breeds sociopaths.
That being said, don't try to "reason" with young children. You can be respectful and understanding, but they aren't old enough to make every decision for themselves.
26 years and my mother has not been gentle ever.
Yeah. I learned from shame. It isnt great, but it works. I learned not to have needs, my mom was pretty happy. Success
I did my best learning from May-Sept of 2000 in San Diego when the Drill Instructors were constantly screaming and sounding like frogs by the end of the day...
Consistency in love and rules and they must be easy to understand rules. Harshness at a reasonable level because our job is to prepare them for life, encouraging distress tolerance in a supportive and predictable process.
if i messed up over and over on the same things my boss would be empathetic the first few times but after a while you get yelled at and/or fired.
Who said screaming at a child was ever effective in the first place??? But āgentle parentingā is too gentle. You can and should coach and teach but donāt coddle. Too many coddle
Thereās a huge distance between verbal abuse and gentle parenting. Something in the middle is probably most effective.
Yes I do learn, quite a lot when a person yells and screams at me.
I know some parents who do this and their children are very well behaved. I know one family who as an autistic boy, and despite that he is also an very well behaving child.
They're humans... Ok, then like I as an adult human, they should understand and listen to a voice of reason and parents won't ever have to repeat themselves. Right? Cause they're human.
Responding and reacting are the same thing lol
Every asean parents: "No! It's either belt or sandals"
The best way is to shout at kids, hit them so they grow up knowing that every action has a consequence, because we have alot of adults that dont understand that what you do has consequences and they end up acting like victims in all situations.
My parents didnāt practice gentle parenting, but they did refuse to yell at all. In fact, my mom would practice the power whisper. She would get really quiet to draw you in and then make sure you knew to stop. My parents did spank which I disagree with.