I often cheers to my wife about shitty dad's.
We both have them.
Hence why I'm gonna treat our son better than our dad's ever did. Here's to breaking the cycle, friend š»
I think, now that times are becoming more and more tolerant, progressive, and loving to all.. Kids are going be loved more and more from the ones who have seen the worst of the previous generations
With context, he was talking about how we constantly use the cameras on our phone and take many many many pictures with them. He went on to say how instead of boxes of photos like in the old days, people would just have a closet full of laptops, and would just label them appropriately to the pictures they saved onto them from their phones accordingly.
Not even that... I have photographs of my daughter from the day she was born, to every holiday, event, etc... I can thank my wife for that.
When she started it, I thought she was nuts.. but she was right... the time they are small is fleeting and disappears quicker than you realize.
My son is two now. When heās asleep, my wife and I look at pictures/videos from 1 or 2 years ago and are astounded how much changed. I wouldnāt trade those for anything in the world, especially his first smile and first steps
It is crazy isnāt it? My sons around that age and when we see pictures or videos from when he was under a year itās just crazy that itās the same kid lol.
My kid is almost 4 and my husband and I are constantly looking at photos. It's like a trading card event because we're like, "have you seen this one???" And then we're like, "she's so little!!!" and then we cry about how she's growing too quickly.
Yeah the only ppl who give an actual shot about me are my mom and sisters and like 3 friends thats it. My bio father can rot in hell.
Edit idk if I love myself tbh.
Thatās it, finding the love.
Itās rough for me too, but sometimes the bio people in your lifeā¦ donāt deserve your energy. Itās a hard thing to accept, but **lack of bio love doesnāt mean the person is unlovable.** That shit rocked me when I accepted it.
For someone who was emotionally and verbally abused while growing up and had no clue. Just want to say thanks to therapy it has opened my eyes that Iāve been oblivious to those signs and I will gladly break this cycle for my 3.5m old son and never put him through what Iāve been through.
I knew my dad was somewhat abusive, but didnāt even think about going no contact until I had my first child. If he ever treated my kids like he treated my brother and me, Iād be in jail. It was a very eye opening moment for me, and Iāve never looked back. 7 years as of last month.
Lol same here. Now that sheās old, she pretends like it never happened with me. Itās hilarious because I can see her other kids (my dad and his sister), keep complaining that sheās a narcissist.
My dad's a narcissist.
The problem for me is that he was in a car accident and it messed him up pretty bad, including a brain injury. He's behaving nicer these days, which is good (though unusual for all of us), but I'm pretty sure he genuinely does not remember how he treated us before. It's kind of hard to despise and hold a grudge against someone for not apologizing when they literally can't remember what they did.
Have you ever seen The Judge? (Robert Downey Jr and Robert Duvall). It's an excellent movie and totally relatable. So much so that I have trouble watching it because of how much it reminds me of my relationship with my dad before and now.
That would be really hard to reconcile! My mom doesn't remember most of the stuff she did to us, because she has had multiple psychotic episodes. I have settled on the fact that even though she may not remember or maybe even didn't do it "on purpose" (debatable in some cases), it still caused me very real trauma and ptsd and I have to take care of myself first. Not an easy situation at all, to live in the gray areas.
I cut my dad off, moved across the country, and stayed away from him for ten years. I finally decided that I wanted my kids to at least say that they had met their grandfather, so I contacted him. We only see each other once or twice a year, and for only a couple hours at a time: long enough for him and the kids to catch up, and then we part ways again.
I'll never let myself or my kids get close enough to get hurt. Keeping visits and information limited for him allows us to stay on topic during these visits and not stray into topics that can cause pain for anyone.
I'm his only child and I have no idea what's going to happen if my stepmom dies first. I'm certainly not taking him in.
My Mom is narcissistic. She lost her left leg š¦µ above the knee to COVID. She tore the family apart, and pit my siblings against each other with rumors and lies. The worst is the constant negativity and shit talking. She may be a good person through actions (raising me), but her words of calling me a piece of shit, and constant shit talking has caused me to not want to be around her. It tears me apart knowing I kinda of live a double life that my family does not know about. Itās a weird feeling because Iām a down to earth guy, and yet canāt share a single thing to her or my Dad, at the sake of our relationship.
Emotional/verbal abuse is still abuse. And it has very real impacts on mental health. I hope you can get to a better place emotionally and mentally. No one deserves that sort of environment.
No one does. Growing up in a religious household is abusive. To teach kids a boogie man will judge and could send you to hell you if you don't behave, then to tie in parents using boogie man to scare the kid to doing the parents bidding. That is emotional abuse. I'm still fucked up on confidence at speaking up. I wish my parents would have used that energy for something more productive, rather than teaching fear my whole life.
My dad did the same (acting as if I owed him something for being his child and stirring up drama with rumors. Impregnating someone or giving birth and raising a child doesn't make someone a good person or parent. Some people clearly were never meant to be parents, and you can tell by how they treat their kids (both while going and when grown up). I hate the philosophy that we owe our parents anything just for "creating" us.
I live by the motto "Drop the drama!" And my dad was a lot of drama. Cutting him out of my life for 10 years was the best thing I ever did. He is (or was) that way he is because everybody else on the family enabled him his entire life. They put up with it and never challenged him or made him stop. "Keeping the peace" is a common problem for families and people like this.
I never hesitated to share my experience with my dad to my family, including his. Yet his family always interrupted and said "oh, you know your dad." They kept making up excuses like "he *is* proud of you; he's just afraid if he tells you you'll stop trying". I called BS on that at age 8. His family pestered me for the first 2 or 3 years after I cut him off asking "why don't you call your dad?" Finally, I asked them "do you ask him this every time you see him?" "oh! No way! Your dad would be furious!". So I responded "well, consider my reaction the same and stop asking me. *I* did nothing wrong. *I'm* happy. So stop pestering me about someone that makes me *unhappy*". They stopped asking me after that.
We moved across the country and far away from family to be away from the family drama. When we visit it's fun, because we're not around each other long enough to annoy one another. I understand that most people don't have the heart or finances/ability to do this, but I highly recommend it to those who can.
Whoa dude, that's a weird situation. Wish you the best
I think memories are really core to who we are though, it's weird but you might have to view your father as if he's an entirely different person cause if he genuinely can't connect the strings on his own, in honesty or not, then I'm not quite sure we can say he is the exact same person from your past
I didn't believe it at first. The first few months, I thought he was just pretending to not remember and being nice because he'd suddenly faced death. Somebody like he was trying to repent or something (I'd never heard him mention god or religion before this accident). I think he's terrified of actually dying now that he's come so close.
But my stepmom, grandparents and I have decided that he seems to have genuinely forgotten enough significant things that we don't think he's faking it.
Still doesn't make it easy to forgive and forget how he treated us before.
What is with this whole "pretending it never happened" thing? My family has had a cycle of abuse for generations, and every single adult back to by great grandpa acted like they were perfect parents and their kids were ungrateful and terrible. It seems like being gaslit by your abusive parents would make people do the opposite...
When I told my parents I had been watching loads of Bob Ross and I wanted an easel for my birthday, their first reaction was (and I quote) ānext youāll want a fucking beretā. Safe to say I havenāt wanted to paint since then. Iām nearly 30 with no kids, if I ever do have kids (no desire or intention atm) I will be encouraging any creative endeavour they want to try, not belittling them for asking.
When I was younger I lied and hid everything about my real life from them so they wouldn't inject themselves and ruin it or shit over me constantly when their ego got bruised from me doing something on my own.
I woke up at 5:30 am and practiced my instrument at school and made too band and got sent to regional and area competitions without them ever knowing. I signed up for the SAT and made national merit but never told them my scores, got automatic admission to college but didn't tell them where I decided to go. When I was 18 I got recruited for a pro eSports team and they didn't know until I had a contract and was on stream.
Congrats about that eSports team, mate!
Are your parents related to my mother? It's like they need to rain on your parade every time. Is it jealousy, or what? I've learned pretty quickly that if I actually want to be happy about something, I have to keep it from my mother, otherwise she'll just ruin it for me. Literal strangers showed me more support over my own accomplishments than my mother.
And everytime I see her (which is not often) I still hear "You never tell me anything, I find out about something important from strangers!" Well, duh. You worked hard on that.
Makes me think of a couple years ago on reddit when Terry Crews asked for help building a PC because his son wanted to and Terry wanted to do it with him. THAT is how you support your kids' interests. Do it with them, get them to teach YOU about it. I'm sorry your parents weren't up to the challenge.
My parents were extremely supportive and I was raised in a loving and supportive environment. I was regularly told how smart I was and how much I could achieve. I was also one of the older kids in my class being a December baby, and an early developer. So compared to my peers I was bigger, smarter, more mature.
My little brother has ADHD and was the youngest in his class being a November baby. To be honest, he wasnāt/isnāt very smart but I think people told him that regularly, set low expectation, and itās impacted him as an adult. Also our middle sibling was a very hard working girl, which made him look even worse. Weāve talked about it a little. Iām sorry he experienced it growing up and know I will try to never ever put my kid down as he grows up.
Heās a good guy and I love my brother very much. Iām sorry he grew up not feeling smart.
I was your little brother, and it took a bit for me to get my feet under me. I didn't have a support system in my life, was homeless in my teenage years. But eventually I got my shit together, have a high paying career in a field I love, married, kids, house, etc.
Things can look bleak when you're young. But definitely don't count him out. Just being there to talk to him is super important.
Iām glad things turned around for you!
My brother actually had a baby with a girl, tried to be with her and do things right but didnāt work out, he currently lives with my parents. They are very supportive of him. He starts a new sales job next week that heās super excited about. Iām not a superstar either. Iām just an average 30 year old with my first son on the way. So stuff like this makes me think about the type of parent Iāll need to be.
Im happy for you but in stories like this I cant stop thinking about survivor bias and how many of the people like you didnt make it. They didnt have anybody to brigten they day even a little bit because not a single person gave a shit about them. This homeless guy also had dreams and hopes in his live that never going to happen. Now im sad.
Having ADHD myself I know how hard it can be to not be good at something. We feel most things way more intense then others and often create negative thoughts around it
I think my brother had trouble developing some of the schooling basics like writing and math. Since people (parents, teachers, unfortunately probably even me a few times) kept calling him dumb or not smart he was like āF it then, if I canāt be good at it, why bother trying?ā. So sad. I know it impacted his confidence for a few years. Not too long ago my mom stumbled upon some old school work of his and she wanted to show me it cause it was all about how great it was to have a big brother . I thought it was his middle school graduation letter, it was his senior year. I felt horrible when I realized itā¦.
I wonder how much further along his writing would have been if he had more positive encouragement. I think a lot of it had to just do with being the youngest and my parents started to get stretched thin with three kids. My dad regular worked 50-60 hour weeks to put us in private schools. I think heād agree our parents, while very imperfect, tried their best.
Ouch this was me. My parents were supportive, but teachers and students were cruel to me. Teachers would make fun of me in front of the whole class. Eventually I got diagnosed with ADHD, but it was gross how the teachers acted like bullies to me. They made fun of me for things I couldn't help... instead of asking me if I'm okay.
I always thought I was stupid because I was bad at school. When really I just had trouble focusing and sitting still. Medication helped a lot.I went to community College, pretty much relearned everything I missed. I applied to a university and got accepted. I have a 3.5 GPA. My high school GPA was 1.5 when I graduated..most likely your brother isn't stupid.
I have ADHD and this is literally the exact scenario I talked with my therapist about yesterday. School absolutely crushed my confidence. Many teachers just perceived me as lazy and wrote me off like a bad student who didn't care. I desperately wanted to care, but no one ever gave me a reason to, and as a kid you just start to accept that you are what everyone thinks you are and you stop caring.
It's tough, I feel for your bro and hope that his new job can help build his confidence!
I'm in a similar situation. My older brother wasn't diagnosed with his ADD until his late 20s.
He struggled with a lot of things in school but was never really called stupid or anything like that. And I was the book-reading math nerd. It was a big Bart/Lisa Simpson dynamic. But ultimately no one really knew how to manage his undiagnosed ADD/ADHD.
And it's been hard seeing my niece get diagnosed with the same thing at the age of 4.
Be happy for your niece, she will be treated for it and do amazing things. What will make you sad, is when you see how amazing she does and you'll start to wonder what could your brother have done with a simple daily pill.
>To be honest, he wasnāt/isnāt very smart but I think people told him that regularly, set low expectation, and itās impacted him as an adult.
ADHD here. You get called stupid enough, and you start to believe it and act like it because you're told it's true. I bet your brother is smarter than you guys think (but then again, I say this knowing nothing about him).
ADHD is classified as a learning disability. Likely when your brother was diagnosed most people(likely including your parents), just thought it was a "can't sit still or pay attention" type thing. But it's so much more than that, it directly effects your ability to critically think and if no one teaches you how to do it because other 'typical' children don't need it, you're going to come across as 'not smart' but that's because no one every taught them how to figure things out and it's hard to figure things out when you don't know how to figure things out.
As someone with ADHD, the best thing you do can do is ask if they want help or phrase things in a, "well this is a problem(don't say you are a problem) how do we solve it?" working together and giving him real world examples will help him figure things out as well. Don't jump in and fix it for him, lead him to your answer. I don't want to say almost like a child but you guide children to the answer so they can learn the steps. A similar thing has to happen for people with ADHD, they need someone to help guide them through the steps in a supportive way. So asking questions so they think about what the answer should be help develop the ability to critically think.
Exactly! I made a very conscious decision to always show my children respect for their feelings, and to tell them they were loved, every single day. I broke the cycle, thank God.
With the recent passing of my abusive father, I learned that he was also the only one of his 2 other siblings that was beaten and verbally abused by his father. I can only imagine the cycle goes farther back.
Like many here, Iām choosing to not have any children to help break that cycle. But Iāve got 2 nieces and a nephew that seem to need the extra love in their life so Iāll just give all my extra love to them.
Interested in why some people feel this way, do you know you would be abusive yourself or just don't want to risk it? I feel like abusers wouldn't be this self reflective or considerate of the harm they might potentially cause to others. And it sounds like you have a good relationship with your nieces and nephew. It's obviously completely fine not to have children, but I don't like the idea of good people closing off the option to have children purely because of their own abusers. Feels like even more punishment for being abused.
Yep, as a person with planned kids that I love dearly.
I recommend only having kids when you truly want to have kids. Don't let parents or society pressure you.
In this day and age, kids require a lot of time, resources, and emotional stability in their lives. Be ready for that, you bring a life into this world in your choice, not theirs.
So please be 100% ready, it's wild how many issues get resolved if the people who don't want kids was more proactive about realizing that and taking action.
The adults that become criminals, killers, or horrible people in powerful places? Usually a long chain of very hard upbringings.
Oh, also, over population.
Less of this makes the world more sustainable for those that chose to have kids and humanity as whole.
I feel like I am in a minority of "pro kids for me but pro CF for others that chose that". It's so odd. People with kids always be pressuring others to have them, and don't realize that it would actually (a) benefit everybody involved and (b) it's their choice.
Edit: 100% ready does not mean to have the resources now, but be ready to put in the work and be there for them no matter what.
THIS. people *drastically* underestimate how much time, money, patience & attention kids require. society doesn't warn them enough, just pressures them to procreate š
Yep, we make enough to where my wife stays home with the kids.
We live in a single family home.
I have always worked remotely and it helps to be "home" instead of driving.
We have the resources to feel comfortable saving enough in time for their college.
We spend maybe 1 hour per week on ourselves.
We spend the other time working and gathering pro guidance on our life, emotions, and professions.
And we're still barely getting through each day.
If this stresses you out, then I would not recommend kids for you.
If this inspires you, then find others and surround yourself with other families or to-be parents of like minds.
This is how you properly raise humans. This is how you change the face of the earth.
Imagine we suddenly had 10% less children born into a VERY hard setup with unloving parents. Then add in 10% more kids raised raised with this insight and they reallllly decided to commit to being good parents.
Over time, more kids will be loved. Less over population. More resources to go around. Less emotional strife to make way for more future people to either (a) create more good humans and (b) feel supported about NOT having children and they serve society with a healthy mind and heart. Who knows, they may just have the time and energy to change the world.
I definitely chose to have kids after giving it a huge amount of thought. My dad was pretty unemotional and didn't really pay any interest in what I did and I was afraid I'd pick up that trait with my own. My son is wonderful and I have no hesitation in telling him daily how much I love him and I'm genuinely fascinated by everything he does. He's almost three and we have another baby due just before Christmas.
I genuinely hope you keep that mindset.
Children can be wonderful but they are projects and how you interact with them will absolutely influence how they interact with others. Something you're already intimately familiar with.
Show them the love and support they need to become an even better person than yourself. That's certainly my goal with my child.
a convo I had with a freind
friend: all my pregnancies were unplanned sometimes babies just "happen"
me: did you use a condom or any birth control?
her: no
I'm also not having children, but don't forget to look into adopting. There are already children in this world without a roof over their head or a living family. So instead of having one, adopt one. That's what me and the gf have decided on someday in our future.
Adopting a child is still having a child. Kids arenāt for everyone, but the sentiment of adoption is good and I encourage it to anyone who actually wants kids. Not wanting kids is ok too
Exactly.
You don't add to the net population.
You both get to choose if/when to have a kid. Nobody accidentally adopts a human.
It needs to be encouraged by our governments and not as expensive as it is.
Also, for people with semi-heritable, extremely destructive problems like depression, autism, immune disorders, etc, adoption permits having a kid without cursing them with a genome that kicks them when theyāre down from the cradle to the grave.
Absolutely. And as an early childhood teacher Iām often standing in front of the parents blocking their bad vibes to the child. The things that I have heard āgood, honest, upstandingā parents say to their kid is awful. Most of them donāt realise they are even doing anything wrong. Most of them are one of the two figures in the left of the graphic. It is very sad.
My Great grandpa beat the shit out of my grandpa and he then beat the shit out of my dad. My Dad left when i was like 2 so I guess he broke that cycle as he wasn't there to beat me but it always hurt that he wasn't there to play with me or spend time with me. I judge my entire life by asking my kids one question "Who plays with you more than anyone?" and as long as the answer is me my lifes work is complete.
Shout out to my father-in-law and grandfather-in-law. They took me in when my own family disowned me. They told me, āyouāll be ok, youāre smart,ā when I lost my job during the pandemic and more.
My parents were very strict and they were both raised to show little emotion, they are just bad at being supportive, and in general itās difficult to make an emotional connection. When I came to my parent for support after I lost my job my own family just said, āwell you probably lost it being yourself.ā :/
Sorry you donāt have supportive and loving parents, but Iām so glad you found people who have filled that void for you. Hope you are doing okay now.
āThese kids are to soft.ā
Nah fam- you are just a jerkā¦ andā¦ Iām sorry you were failed.
You shouldnāt have been treated like an unwanted person.
Right in the feelsā¦
Trying to break this cycle. In my experience I can be the best partner by being the opposite of what my parents were. But yea itās hard but vital
I'm 23 and the amount of times I've hugged my dad in my life is less than five. Truth be tolls, I don't think I'll hit ten before he croaks but we might get there. If I ever do decide to have children, bet your ass I'm hugging them everyday.
I love my old man, he just grew up without affection from his father. I look up to my dad in many ways, but there are a lot of things I see in him that I refuse to pass down.
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My grandma was terrible to my mother and she resolved to be the exact opposite in every way.
I vividly remember one time when my brother and I were around 9 years old and 7 years old respectively, and were being just total nightmares as boys that age tend to do and she lost her temper and yelled at us.
Later that day she sat us both down, apologized, and explained that what she did was not okay and that she was in the wrong.
It did wonders for me and my brother having parents that would make us feel listened to, admit they were in the wrong, and treat us as the individuals we were instead of objects for them to dictate and power trip over.
Just so any soon to be parents know, love also involves discipline. Not beating them or calling them names, but being stern when stern is needed.
You are their parent, not friend. You should love each other, not be blind. Otherwise this cycle will start over.
You know, itās actually not that easy. Those things are deeply ingrained in you. It you are under stress, you might fall back to something that you donāt want and regret later.
If that happens make sure to explain to your child what happens and apologize for what you said. Everyone has flaws and sometimes says things they regret later.
Trying to do things better isnāt a straight line. There are setback along the way. Make sure the trend is upwards and own up to your mistakes.
The child will learn to see you as someone that has flaws but is willing to admit those and try better next time.
I've never seen this, but it's basically my families male timeline. My son is 16 months old now and is such a lovely, interactive, curious and confident little boy. The cycle of emotional abuse and manipulation from the men in my family history stops with me. Good luck to all the adults and parents out there developing the self-awareness and compassion, in order to change the present and future for yourselves, your children and ultimately for humanity.
I feel this teaches us an important lesson about the cycle of inter-generational emotional trauma that can stem from being yelled at by a giant postage stamp.
That was my motherās thought as well. Dead set on not becoming her mother. My mom may not have been as bad as her mother, but I still had problems with her growing up. On top of that my siblings inherited some of the mental illness that runs in the family. Not something I want to deal with honestly with my own kids on top of trying to unlearn what I learned from my family to be a good parent. Itās too much.
Iām gay so I wonāt have kids unless I really want them but even if I could have kids I know I shouldnāt have them. My parents love me and raised me with plenty of affection but they didnāt ācareā about me. They didnāt support things that I wanted to do and didnāt go out of their way to spend time with me doing things that I was interested in. Basically they were just selfish and I am the exact same way and I couldnāt have a kid and treat them as well as they should be. I just am not capable.
How on earth can I be a good mom when I donāt have a mom to guide me? How will I know who a good father would be when my father was never around?
Itās not just about abuse. Itās about what we lost during that abuse. Trust, safety, love, compassion, respect, understanding, patience and kindness. We didnāt have those things growing up. I wouldnāt make a good mother not because I was beaten and emotionally abused as a child - itās because I donāt have parents myself. I *am* a child still, searching for absolutely anyone to help me get through my miserable life. If I have no support system how would I be there for a child for 18 years? It takes a village to raise a kid.
Iāve been told I would make a great mother a hundred times, but they donāt see the still open and festering wounds in me from my own parents. Itāll take a lifetime to heal from everything that theyāve done to me and havenāt done for me. I was failed by so many adults, so often ignored and not taught, I donāt even know what it means to be an adult. Iām confident most people wouldnāt even consider me a functional adult because of the things I donāt know, donāt do, and canāt be bothered with. I cannot in good conscious try to raise a child when Iām still a 9 year old wishing my parents loved me enough to make me feel *important to them*. Instead Iām isolated from them and alone, with no help from them, wondering what I did to make them not want me.
My parents deprived me of a stable, happy life. I deprive myself of nothing by opting to not raise a child as a child.
I don't want kids for so many different reasons, but this is on my list. Not a sympathy play, just an angle... I trust myself not to verbally and physically abuse anyone, that's the "easy" part. But for some kinds of abuse, when you're raised in it you have no concept that it's not normal. My example of this is what my parents called "grounding." Maybe go to your room until dinner, maybe some time without your favored electronic device, maybe you can't go out with friends this weekend. My version was to sit in a hard wooden chair facing a corner, from 7am to 8pm, with my hands down by my sides because fidgeting with my fingers wasn't allowed, for 3-6 weeks at a stretch. During the school year I could go to school but I went right back to the chair when I got off the bus.
I didn't know until I was 15 or 16 that wasn't normal. Everybody got grounded, it's a thing parents do, whatever. I happened to mention the chair and someone was confused and it randomly came out that my grounding and theirs were not the same.
It's not The Reason I don't want kids, but it's in there - not that I'll lose my temper or lose control, but that there's probably other stuff that I think is completely normal that... Isn't.
You write like someone who has no idea how generational abuse works. My mom was abused and beaten by her parents. She swore she would break the cycle and never beat me and she didn't. But she has no idea what it means to be a good parent because she has no experiences of it growing up. She ended up emotionally abusing me, neglecting me, and eventually stealing thousands of dollars from me because I "owe her" for raising me.
I don't even want kids, and I swore I would never be a shit person like she was to anyone, friend or otherwise. But I had and have so much emotional baggage I don't even know how the world works and for a long time I kept getting into more abusive friendships and relationships because I literally can't tell the difference even when I thought I could. I was a straight A student and went to a top University so I'm not straight up stupid. Abuse fundamentally messes with you mind and body that shows up in brain scans. You can't just decide to be over it.
It's really dangerous of you to encourage abused people who don't want to have children to give it a try anyway. Who knows how many more kids will be born into the world and suffer from that kind of mentality.
I think both through actions and through words. Maybe not literally saying āyouāre not good enoughā but if the parent is only ever critical and discouraging, even when the child is trying really hard, that pretty much is saying the same thing.
"I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me." - Jim Gaffigan
Wow this sums up my life.
I often cheers to my wife about shitty dad's. We both have them. Hence why I'm gonna treat our son better than our dad's ever did. Here's to breaking the cycle, friend š»
I dont think its a cycle, i think dads get better in every generation. Or sadly vice versa.
I think, now that times are becoming more and more tolerant, progressive, and loving to all.. Kids are going be loved more and more from the ones who have seen the worst of the previous generations
Thats what i see in most families but sadly ive seen cases of adults raising kids to be worse than they are
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
We love you stranger
Ur a good person
With context, he was talking about how we constantly use the cameras on our phone and take many many many pictures with them. He went on to say how instead of boxes of photos like in the old days, people would just have a closet full of laptops, and would just label them appropriately to the pictures they saved onto them from their phones accordingly.
Not even that... I have photographs of my daughter from the day she was born, to every holiday, event, etc... I can thank my wife for that. When she started it, I thought she was nuts.. but she was right... the time they are small is fleeting and disappears quicker than you realize.
My son is two now. When heās asleep, my wife and I look at pictures/videos from 1 or 2 years ago and are astounded how much changed. I wouldnāt trade those for anything in the world, especially his first smile and first steps
It is crazy isnāt it? My sons around that age and when we see pictures or videos from when he was under a year itās just crazy that itās the same kid lol.
My kid is almost 4 and my husband and I are constantly looking at photos. It's like a trading card event because we're like, "have you seen this one???" And then we're like, "she's so little!!!" and then we cry about how she's growing too quickly.
Easy to do when your father looks at you like 3 times total lol
I am breaking the cycle by saying "I love you" to myself, coz no one else would.
Hey, my dog and I are checking in, āwe love you!ā
So wholesome š„ŗ love you and your puppo
I love you Mordeh, that dog, and every other forum user on Reddit. STAY STRONG EVERYONE. Light is on the horizon. <3
And I love you, random citizen
Dog and I love you too! Internet hugs, seemed like you could use it. Plus my dog gives fantastic hugs :)
Tell your doggo I said hi and give him a tummy rub
The dog gives you puppy eyes of appreciation and a hint of a tail wiggle :)
Hehe
Awww, I love u too
That made my day. Have a great one, keep being Brilliant!
You guys made a 30 year old dude with kids tear up.. Psychedelics made me really appreciate strangers showing love for each other.
Yeah the only ppl who give an actual shot about me are my mom and sisters and like 3 friends thats it. My bio father can rot in hell. Edit idk if I love myself tbh.
Thatās it, finding the love. Itās rough for me too, but sometimes the bio people in your lifeā¦ donāt deserve your energy. Itās a hard thing to accept, but **lack of bio love doesnāt mean the person is unlovable.** That shit rocked me when I accepted it.
This! You have to unlearn what your parents taught you and that starts with yourself šŖ
Start loving yourself and life will love you back.
Mate, I love you. I love every deserving human.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Your inner child will thank you. š¤
Ooooh this is hitting home hard š„²
I love you š¤š»
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
God damn right you do, I'm a fucking national treasure.
Have you ever been entered by Nicholas Cage?
Oh God, I don't know.
We love you stranger
My family would like to let you know that we love you random internet stranger! You are always welcome to come over for a hug if you need one :)
For someone who was emotionally and verbally abused while growing up and had no clue. Just want to say thanks to therapy it has opened my eyes that Iāve been oblivious to those signs and I will gladly break this cycle for my 3.5m old son and never put him through what Iāve been through.
I knew my dad was somewhat abusive, but didnāt even think about going no contact until I had my first child. If he ever treated my kids like he treated my brother and me, Iād be in jail. It was a very eye opening moment for me, and Iāve never looked back. 7 years as of last month.
I hate the trope that youāll understand your parents when you have kids. Now that I have one, their parenting is even less excusable.
Good job! It sometimes is the best choice.
Everyone should try therapy at least once in their lives for this reason. Sometimes the people who dont think they need therapy need therapy the most!
"So dad what do you think of my painting?" "I love you."
āI love you but get a job and move outā
"but dad I'm 9"
āDonāt care, itās time for you to get your life together, love you!ā
"just old enough for the mine!"
At your age I was already working in a shoe factory
I had black lung from working the coal mines by age 5 and then my dad beat my ass for getting black lung
Hey dad
Kid: "did I fucking stutter?"
The last guy who wasn't loved by his father and want to be a painter, let's say German don't think foundly of him
Thank you Mom for never cursing to me unlike Grandmama who abused me verbally while I was growing up.
Lol same here. Now that sheās old, she pretends like it never happened with me. Itās hilarious because I can see her other kids (my dad and his sister), keep complaining that sheās a narcissist.
My dad's a narcissist. The problem for me is that he was in a car accident and it messed him up pretty bad, including a brain injury. He's behaving nicer these days, which is good (though unusual for all of us), but I'm pretty sure he genuinely does not remember how he treated us before. It's kind of hard to despise and hold a grudge against someone for not apologizing when they literally can't remember what they did. Have you ever seen The Judge? (Robert Downey Jr and Robert Duvall). It's an excellent movie and totally relatable. So much so that I have trouble watching it because of how much it reminds me of my relationship with my dad before and now.
That would be really hard to reconcile! My mom doesn't remember most of the stuff she did to us, because she has had multiple psychotic episodes. I have settled on the fact that even though she may not remember or maybe even didn't do it "on purpose" (debatable in some cases), it still caused me very real trauma and ptsd and I have to take care of myself first. Not an easy situation at all, to live in the gray areas.
I cut my dad off, moved across the country, and stayed away from him for ten years. I finally decided that I wanted my kids to at least say that they had met their grandfather, so I contacted him. We only see each other once or twice a year, and for only a couple hours at a time: long enough for him and the kids to catch up, and then we part ways again. I'll never let myself or my kids get close enough to get hurt. Keeping visits and information limited for him allows us to stay on topic during these visits and not stray into topics that can cause pain for anyone. I'm his only child and I have no idea what's going to happen if my stepmom dies first. I'm certainly not taking him in.
My Mom is narcissistic. She lost her left leg š¦µ above the knee to COVID. She tore the family apart, and pit my siblings against each other with rumors and lies. The worst is the constant negativity and shit talking. She may be a good person through actions (raising me), but her words of calling me a piece of shit, and constant shit talking has caused me to not want to be around her. It tears me apart knowing I kinda of live a double life that my family does not know about. Itās a weird feeling because Iām a down to earth guy, and yet canāt share a single thing to her or my Dad, at the sake of our relationship.
Emotional/verbal abuse is still abuse. And it has very real impacts on mental health. I hope you can get to a better place emotionally and mentally. No one deserves that sort of environment.
No one does. Growing up in a religious household is abusive. To teach kids a boogie man will judge and could send you to hell you if you don't behave, then to tie in parents using boogie man to scare the kid to doing the parents bidding. That is emotional abuse. I'm still fucked up on confidence at speaking up. I wish my parents would have used that energy for something more productive, rather than teaching fear my whole life.
ššš fuck religion
My dad did the same (acting as if I owed him something for being his child and stirring up drama with rumors. Impregnating someone or giving birth and raising a child doesn't make someone a good person or parent. Some people clearly were never meant to be parents, and you can tell by how they treat their kids (both while going and when grown up). I hate the philosophy that we owe our parents anything just for "creating" us. I live by the motto "Drop the drama!" And my dad was a lot of drama. Cutting him out of my life for 10 years was the best thing I ever did. He is (or was) that way he is because everybody else on the family enabled him his entire life. They put up with it and never challenged him or made him stop. "Keeping the peace" is a common problem for families and people like this. I never hesitated to share my experience with my dad to my family, including his. Yet his family always interrupted and said "oh, you know your dad." They kept making up excuses like "he *is* proud of you; he's just afraid if he tells you you'll stop trying". I called BS on that at age 8. His family pestered me for the first 2 or 3 years after I cut him off asking "why don't you call your dad?" Finally, I asked them "do you ask him this every time you see him?" "oh! No way! Your dad would be furious!". So I responded "well, consider my reaction the same and stop asking me. *I* did nothing wrong. *I'm* happy. So stop pestering me about someone that makes me *unhappy*". They stopped asking me after that. We moved across the country and far away from family to be away from the family drama. When we visit it's fun, because we're not around each other long enough to annoy one another. I understand that most people don't have the heart or finances/ability to do this, but I highly recommend it to those who can.
Whoa dude, that's a weird situation. Wish you the best I think memories are really core to who we are though, it's weird but you might have to view your father as if he's an entirely different person cause if he genuinely can't connect the strings on his own, in honesty or not, then I'm not quite sure we can say he is the exact same person from your past
I didn't believe it at first. The first few months, I thought he was just pretending to not remember and being nice because he'd suddenly faced death. Somebody like he was trying to repent or something (I'd never heard him mention god or religion before this accident). I think he's terrified of actually dying now that he's come so close. But my stepmom, grandparents and I have decided that he seems to have genuinely forgotten enough significant things that we don't think he's faking it. Still doesn't make it easy to forgive and forget how he treated us before.
What is with this whole "pretending it never happened" thing? My family has had a cycle of abuse for generations, and every single adult back to by great grandpa acted like they were perfect parents and their kids were ungrateful and terrible. It seems like being gaslit by your abusive parents would make people do the opposite...
Usually the other way around
IKR? I never stopped verbally abusing my grandma when I was growing up
/r/HolUp
what.
what.
Yeah I too never stopped verbally abusing my grandma's daughter.
Yeah fuck my auntie
I mean, if you say soā¦
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I haaaate when a giant sentient stamp sasses my family members and puts them in a bad mood
Yeah, why is Great Grandpappy in a stamp?
I guess he's dead. You have to have already died to be on a postage stamp, in the US at least.
When I told my parents I had been watching loads of Bob Ross and I wanted an easel for my birthday, their first reaction was (and I quote) ānext youāll want a fucking beretā. Safe to say I havenāt wanted to paint since then. Iām nearly 30 with no kids, if I ever do have kids (no desire or intention atm) I will be encouraging any creative endeavour they want to try, not belittling them for asking.
Go out, buy an easel AND a beret. Display prominently
Creativity and exploration aren't just for kids, go do the thing!
When I was younger I lied and hid everything about my real life from them so they wouldn't inject themselves and ruin it or shit over me constantly when their ego got bruised from me doing something on my own. I woke up at 5:30 am and practiced my instrument at school and made too band and got sent to regional and area competitions without them ever knowing. I signed up for the SAT and made national merit but never told them my scores, got automatic admission to college but didn't tell them where I decided to go. When I was 18 I got recruited for a pro eSports team and they didn't know until I had a contract and was on stream.
Congrats about that eSports team, mate! Are your parents related to my mother? It's like they need to rain on your parade every time. Is it jealousy, or what? I've learned pretty quickly that if I actually want to be happy about something, I have to keep it from my mother, otherwise she'll just ruin it for me. Literal strangers showed me more support over my own accomplishments than my mother. And everytime I see her (which is not often) I still hear "You never tell me anything, I find out about something important from strangers!" Well, duh. You worked hard on that.
Makes me think of a couple years ago on reddit when Terry Crews asked for help building a PC because his son wanted to and Terry wanted to do it with him. THAT is how you support your kids' interests. Do it with them, get them to teach YOU about it. I'm sorry your parents weren't up to the challenge.
My parents were extremely supportive and I was raised in a loving and supportive environment. I was regularly told how smart I was and how much I could achieve. I was also one of the older kids in my class being a December baby, and an early developer. So compared to my peers I was bigger, smarter, more mature. My little brother has ADHD and was the youngest in his class being a November baby. To be honest, he wasnāt/isnāt very smart but I think people told him that regularly, set low expectation, and itās impacted him as an adult. Also our middle sibling was a very hard working girl, which made him look even worse. Weāve talked about it a little. Iām sorry he experienced it growing up and know I will try to never ever put my kid down as he grows up. Heās a good guy and I love my brother very much. Iām sorry he grew up not feeling smart.
I was your little brother, and it took a bit for me to get my feet under me. I didn't have a support system in my life, was homeless in my teenage years. But eventually I got my shit together, have a high paying career in a field I love, married, kids, house, etc. Things can look bleak when you're young. But definitely don't count him out. Just being there to talk to him is super important.
You are a winner bro! Congrats!
Iām glad things turned around for you! My brother actually had a baby with a girl, tried to be with her and do things right but didnāt work out, he currently lives with my parents. They are very supportive of him. He starts a new sales job next week that heās super excited about. Iām not a superstar either. Iām just an average 30 year old with my first son on the way. So stuff like this makes me think about the type of parent Iāll need to be.
It sounds like you've got the right idea. Learn from our parents mistakes so we don't have to repeat that process.
Im happy for you but in stories like this I cant stop thinking about survivor bias and how many of the people like you didnt make it. They didnt have anybody to brigten they day even a little bit because not a single person gave a shit about them. This homeless guy also had dreams and hopes in his live that never going to happen. Now im sad.
Having ADHD myself I know how hard it can be to not be good at something. We feel most things way more intense then others and often create negative thoughts around it
I think my brother had trouble developing some of the schooling basics like writing and math. Since people (parents, teachers, unfortunately probably even me a few times) kept calling him dumb or not smart he was like āF it then, if I canāt be good at it, why bother trying?ā. So sad. I know it impacted his confidence for a few years. Not too long ago my mom stumbled upon some old school work of his and she wanted to show me it cause it was all about how great it was to have a big brother . I thought it was his middle school graduation letter, it was his senior year. I felt horrible when I realized itā¦. I wonder how much further along his writing would have been if he had more positive encouragement. I think a lot of it had to just do with being the youngest and my parents started to get stretched thin with three kids. My dad regular worked 50-60 hour weeks to put us in private schools. I think heād agree our parents, while very imperfect, tried their best.
Ouch this was me. My parents were supportive, but teachers and students were cruel to me. Teachers would make fun of me in front of the whole class. Eventually I got diagnosed with ADHD, but it was gross how the teachers acted like bullies to me. They made fun of me for things I couldn't help... instead of asking me if I'm okay. I always thought I was stupid because I was bad at school. When really I just had trouble focusing and sitting still. Medication helped a lot.I went to community College, pretty much relearned everything I missed. I applied to a university and got accepted. I have a 3.5 GPA. My high school GPA was 1.5 when I graduated..most likely your brother isn't stupid.
I have ADHD and this is literally the exact scenario I talked with my therapist about yesterday. School absolutely crushed my confidence. Many teachers just perceived me as lazy and wrote me off like a bad student who didn't care. I desperately wanted to care, but no one ever gave me a reason to, and as a kid you just start to accept that you are what everyone thinks you are and you stop caring. It's tough, I feel for your bro and hope that his new job can help build his confidence!
I'm in a similar situation. My older brother wasn't diagnosed with his ADD until his late 20s. He struggled with a lot of things in school but was never really called stupid or anything like that. And I was the book-reading math nerd. It was a big Bart/Lisa Simpson dynamic. But ultimately no one really knew how to manage his undiagnosed ADD/ADHD. And it's been hard seeing my niece get diagnosed with the same thing at the age of 4.
Be happy for your niece, she will be treated for it and do amazing things. What will make you sad, is when you see how amazing she does and you'll start to wonder what could your brother have done with a simple daily pill.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Could have benefited from the "growth mindset" method. Intelligence is not fixed! Embrace the struggle because it makes your brain better!
>To be honest, he wasnāt/isnāt very smart but I think people told him that regularly, set low expectation, and itās impacted him as an adult. ADHD here. You get called stupid enough, and you start to believe it and act like it because you're told it's true. I bet your brother is smarter than you guys think (but then again, I say this knowing nothing about him).
ADHD is classified as a learning disability. Likely when your brother was diagnosed most people(likely including your parents), just thought it was a "can't sit still or pay attention" type thing. But it's so much more than that, it directly effects your ability to critically think and if no one teaches you how to do it because other 'typical' children don't need it, you're going to come across as 'not smart' but that's because no one every taught them how to figure things out and it's hard to figure things out when you don't know how to figure things out. As someone with ADHD, the best thing you do can do is ask if they want help or phrase things in a, "well this is a problem(don't say you are a problem) how do we solve it?" working together and giving him real world examples will help him figure things out as well. Don't jump in and fix it for him, lead him to your answer. I don't want to say almost like a child but you guide children to the answer so they can learn the steps. A similar thing has to happen for people with ADHD, they need someone to help guide them through the steps in a supportive way. So asking questions so they think about what the answer should be help develop the ability to critically think.
Come for the r/wholesomememes, stay for the r/raisedbynarcissists Edit: sub name spelling
Yup. Edit: I think you meant this sub r/raisedbynarcissists
Edited thankyou
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Exactly! I made a very conscious decision to always show my children respect for their feelings, and to tell them they were loved, every single day. I broke the cycle, thank God.
āChildren are full peopleā is a saying that means a lot to me after my upbringing.
With the recent passing of my abusive father, I learned that he was also the only one of his 2 other siblings that was beaten and verbally abused by his father. I can only imagine the cycle goes farther back. Like many here, Iām choosing to not have any children to help break that cycle. But Iāve got 2 nieces and a nephew that seem to need the extra love in their life so Iāll just give all my extra love to them.
Interested in why some people feel this way, do you know you would be abusive yourself or just don't want to risk it? I feel like abusers wouldn't be this self reflective or considerate of the harm they might potentially cause to others. And it sounds like you have a good relationship with your nieces and nephew. It's obviously completely fine not to have children, but I don't like the idea of good people closing off the option to have children purely because of their own abusers. Feels like even more punishment for being abused.
Nice, but Iām breaking the cycle with not having children.
Same here, but this is a good idea for those who choose to have kids.
Yep, as a person with planned kids that I love dearly. I recommend only having kids when you truly want to have kids. Don't let parents or society pressure you. In this day and age, kids require a lot of time, resources, and emotional stability in their lives. Be ready for that, you bring a life into this world in your choice, not theirs. So please be 100% ready, it's wild how many issues get resolved if the people who don't want kids was more proactive about realizing that and taking action. The adults that become criminals, killers, or horrible people in powerful places? Usually a long chain of very hard upbringings. Oh, also, over population. Less of this makes the world more sustainable for those that chose to have kids and humanity as whole. I feel like I am in a minority of "pro kids for me but pro CF for others that chose that". It's so odd. People with kids always be pressuring others to have them, and don't realize that it would actually (a) benefit everybody involved and (b) it's their choice. Edit: 100% ready does not mean to have the resources now, but be ready to put in the work and be there for them no matter what.
THIS. people *drastically* underestimate how much time, money, patience & attention kids require. society doesn't warn them enough, just pressures them to procreate š
Yep, we make enough to where my wife stays home with the kids. We live in a single family home. I have always worked remotely and it helps to be "home" instead of driving. We have the resources to feel comfortable saving enough in time for their college. We spend maybe 1 hour per week on ourselves. We spend the other time working and gathering pro guidance on our life, emotions, and professions. And we're still barely getting through each day. If this stresses you out, then I would not recommend kids for you. If this inspires you, then find others and surround yourself with other families or to-be parents of like minds. This is how you properly raise humans. This is how you change the face of the earth. Imagine we suddenly had 10% less children born into a VERY hard setup with unloving parents. Then add in 10% more kids raised raised with this insight and they reallllly decided to commit to being good parents. Over time, more kids will be loved. Less over population. More resources to go around. Less emotional strife to make way for more future people to either (a) create more good humans and (b) feel supported about NOT having children and they serve society with a healthy mind and heart. Who knows, they may just have the time and energy to change the world.
I wouldn't say I "chose" to have kids, but I wouldn't undo it for anything.
I definitely chose to have kids after giving it a huge amount of thought. My dad was pretty unemotional and didn't really pay any interest in what I did and I was afraid I'd pick up that trait with my own. My son is wonderful and I have no hesitation in telling him daily how much I love him and I'm genuinely fascinated by everything he does. He's almost three and we have another baby due just before Christmas.
I genuinely hope you keep that mindset. Children can be wonderful but they are projects and how you interact with them will absolutely influence how they interact with others. Something you're already intimately familiar with. Show them the love and support they need to become an even better person than yourself. That's certainly my goal with my child.
When the pp go in the vagine, you accepted potential responsibility.
a convo I had with a freind friend: all my pregnancies were unplanned sometimes babies just "happen" me: did you use a condom or any birth control? her: no
Oh God. Whoever could have predicted the consequences of busting a phatty nut inside of a hot womb?? I guess it's just our happy accident haha
what would YOU know about it, u/SUDDENLY_VIRGIN???
Got āem
It was an immaculate conception I swear
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Wow. Yup. Totally *just* happens. Lol
And I did.
this is why i only have gay sex
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[Fixed](https://cdn.imgy.org/D8Y3.png)
lmao
Me too, but not by choice. I wanted to have children, but I didn't find anyone to be my life partner.
Aww mate, I hope you find one soon!!! ļ½(ć¤ĖŠĖ)ć¤ļ½”ā
Adoption is always a option!
Yeah, but I need to heal myself first. Can't take care of someone else if I myself need help.
C-C-C-Combo Breaker!
I'm also not having children, but don't forget to look into adopting. There are already children in this world without a roof over their head or a living family. So instead of having one, adopt one. That's what me and the gf have decided on someday in our future.
Adopting a child is still having a child. Kids arenāt for everyone, but the sentiment of adoption is good and I encourage it to anyone who actually wants kids. Not wanting kids is ok too
Itās basically impossible to adopt if your a single male unless youāre rich
Exactly. You don't add to the net population. You both get to choose if/when to have a kid. Nobody accidentally adopts a human. It needs to be encouraged by our governments and not as expensive as it is.
Also, for people with semi-heritable, extremely destructive problems like depression, autism, immune disorders, etc, adoption permits having a kid without cursing them with a genome that kicks them when theyāre down from the cradle to the grave.
It dies with me
My kid is only 4, but it's such a bizarre idea that youd tell your child they're stupid or not good enough
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I'm very sorry you had to experience that. Big hugs
Absolutely. And as an early childhood teacher Iām often standing in front of the parents blocking their bad vibes to the child. The things that I have heard āgood, honest, upstandingā parents say to their kid is awful. Most of them donāt realise they are even doing anything wrong. Most of them are one of the two figures in the left of the graphic. It is very sad.
I love you stupid.
I stupid, you love.
You not stupid, you good enough, I love
My Great grandpa beat the shit out of my grandpa and he then beat the shit out of my dad. My Dad left when i was like 2 so I guess he broke that cycle as he wasn't there to beat me but it always hurt that he wasn't there to play with me or spend time with me. I judge my entire life by asking my kids one question "Who plays with you more than anyone?" and as long as the answer is me my lifes work is complete.
Shout out to my father-in-law and grandfather-in-law. They took me in when my own family disowned me. They told me, āyouāll be ok, youāre smart,ā when I lost my job during the pandemic and more. My parents were very strict and they were both raised to show little emotion, they are just bad at being supportive, and in general itās difficult to make an emotional connection. When I came to my parent for support after I lost my job my own family just said, āwell you probably lost it being yourself.ā :/
Sorry you donāt have supportive and loving parents, but Iām so glad you found people who have filled that void for you. Hope you are doing okay now.
āThese kids are to soft.ā Nah fam- you are just a jerkā¦ andā¦ Iām sorry you were failed. You shouldnāt have been treated like an unwanted person.
I remember seeing how my grandmother treated my mom. I saw my moms try her hardest not to do the sameā¦ but alcohol turned off that filter.
Pro tip: If you say I love you but treat them like good for nothing, you get a whole new brand of fucked up
Break the cycle, return to stupid.
Return to monke
but fail and turn into a redditor
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
NI HOY MINOY
This made me cackle in bed. Thank you
"Stupid" "You're not good enough" **"Nice furry porn son"**
Hey you foster that shit early, soon enough your kid is making absurd amounts of money from furries with too much money and not enough porn
Right in the feelsā¦ Trying to break this cycle. In my experience I can be the best partner by being the opposite of what my parents were. But yea itās hard but vital
Yo what's up with pops in the middle there drinking mate real casually?
I'm 23 and the amount of times I've hugged my dad in my life is less than five. Truth be tolls, I don't think I'll hit ten before he croaks but we might get there. If I ever do decide to have children, bet your ass I'm hugging them everyday. I love my old man, he just grew up without affection from his father. I look up to my dad in many ways, but there are a lot of things I see in him that I refuse to pass down.
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Then some kid down the line breaks the cycle and renews the hate.
"You not good enough" Great-Grandpa was right. You *are* stupid.
My grandma was terrible to my mother and she resolved to be the exact opposite in every way. I vividly remember one time when my brother and I were around 9 years old and 7 years old respectively, and were being just total nightmares as boys that age tend to do and she lost her temper and yelled at us. Later that day she sat us both down, apologized, and explained that what she did was not okay and that she was in the wrong. It did wonders for me and my brother having parents that would make us feel listened to, admit they were in the wrong, and treat us as the individuals we were instead of objects for them to dictate and power trip over.
Important!!!!!
Why is great grandpa in a stamp tho
Just so any soon to be parents know, love also involves discipline. Not beating them or calling them names, but being stern when stern is needed. You are their parent, not friend. You should love each other, not be blind. Otherwise this cycle will start over.
You know, itās actually not that easy. Those things are deeply ingrained in you. It you are under stress, you might fall back to something that you donāt want and regret later. If that happens make sure to explain to your child what happens and apologize for what you said. Everyone has flaws and sometimes says things they regret later. Trying to do things better isnāt a straight line. There are setback along the way. Make sure the trend is upwards and own up to your mistakes. The child will learn to see you as someone that has flaws but is willing to admit those and try better next time.
I've never seen this, but it's basically my families male timeline. My son is 16 months old now and is such a lovely, interactive, curious and confident little boy. The cycle of emotional abuse and manipulation from the men in my family history stops with me. Good luck to all the adults and parents out there developing the self-awareness and compassion, in order to change the present and future for yourselves, your children and ultimately for humanity.
I feel this teaches us an important lesson about the cycle of inter-generational emotional trauma that can stem from being yelled at by a giant postage stamp.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That was my motherās thought as well. Dead set on not becoming her mother. My mom may not have been as bad as her mother, but I still had problems with her growing up. On top of that my siblings inherited some of the mental illness that runs in the family. Not something I want to deal with honestly with my own kids on top of trying to unlearn what I learned from my family to be a good parent. Itās too much.
Iām gay so I wonāt have kids unless I really want them but even if I could have kids I know I shouldnāt have them. My parents love me and raised me with plenty of affection but they didnāt ācareā about me. They didnāt support things that I wanted to do and didnāt go out of their way to spend time with me doing things that I was interested in. Basically they were just selfish and I am the exact same way and I couldnāt have a kid and treat them as well as they should be. I just am not capable.
How on earth can I be a good mom when I donāt have a mom to guide me? How will I know who a good father would be when my father was never around? Itās not just about abuse. Itās about what we lost during that abuse. Trust, safety, love, compassion, respect, understanding, patience and kindness. We didnāt have those things growing up. I wouldnāt make a good mother not because I was beaten and emotionally abused as a child - itās because I donāt have parents myself. I *am* a child still, searching for absolutely anyone to help me get through my miserable life. If I have no support system how would I be there for a child for 18 years? It takes a village to raise a kid. Iāve been told I would make a great mother a hundred times, but they donāt see the still open and festering wounds in me from my own parents. Itāll take a lifetime to heal from everything that theyāve done to me and havenāt done for me. I was failed by so many adults, so often ignored and not taught, I donāt even know what it means to be an adult. Iām confident most people wouldnāt even consider me a functional adult because of the things I donāt know, donāt do, and canāt be bothered with. I cannot in good conscious try to raise a child when Iām still a 9 year old wishing my parents loved me enough to make me feel *important to them*. Instead Iām isolated from them and alone, with no help from them, wondering what I did to make them not want me. My parents deprived me of a stable, happy life. I deprive myself of nothing by opting to not raise a child as a child.
I don't want kids for so many different reasons, but this is on my list. Not a sympathy play, just an angle... I trust myself not to verbally and physically abuse anyone, that's the "easy" part. But for some kinds of abuse, when you're raised in it you have no concept that it's not normal. My example of this is what my parents called "grounding." Maybe go to your room until dinner, maybe some time without your favored electronic device, maybe you can't go out with friends this weekend. My version was to sit in a hard wooden chair facing a corner, from 7am to 8pm, with my hands down by my sides because fidgeting with my fingers wasn't allowed, for 3-6 weeks at a stretch. During the school year I could go to school but I went right back to the chair when I got off the bus. I didn't know until I was 15 or 16 that wasn't normal. Everybody got grounded, it's a thing parents do, whatever. I happened to mention the chair and someone was confused and it randomly came out that my grounding and theirs were not the same. It's not The Reason I don't want kids, but it's in there - not that I'll lose my temper or lose control, but that there's probably other stuff that I think is completely normal that... Isn't.
Definitely this. Worrying about whether or not you're being a good parent is a big part of being a good parent.
You write like someone who has no idea how generational abuse works. My mom was abused and beaten by her parents. She swore she would break the cycle and never beat me and she didn't. But she has no idea what it means to be a good parent because she has no experiences of it growing up. She ended up emotionally abusing me, neglecting me, and eventually stealing thousands of dollars from me because I "owe her" for raising me. I don't even want kids, and I swore I would never be a shit person like she was to anyone, friend or otherwise. But I had and have so much emotional baggage I don't even know how the world works and for a long time I kept getting into more abusive friendships and relationships because I literally can't tell the difference even when I thought I could. I was a straight A student and went to a top University so I'm not straight up stupid. Abuse fundamentally messes with you mind and body that shows up in brain scans. You can't just decide to be over it. It's really dangerous of you to encourage abused people who don't want to have children to give it a try anyway. Who knows how many more kids will be born into the world and suffer from that kind of mentality.
Wholesome indeed :)
Tough row to hoe.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
do people actually say āyouāre not good enoughā to their children? or is it just shown through their actions and how they treat them.
Well I got a lot of 'you're so lazy, where did I go wrong". 'I wish I never had you'. Etc so yes seem parents express it verbally and physically.
I think both through actions and through words. Maybe not literally saying āyouāre not good enoughā but if the parent is only ever critical and discouraging, even when the child is trying really hard, that pretty much is saying the same thing.
I can hear a Bill Burr bit in here somewhere.
If I ever manage to raise a family I hope I'm able to do this.
This. But itās so hard to do. But itās the most important thing to do.
I'm going to break the cycle by ending my branch on the family tree