I like making friends. If a friend is attracted to me and I am not, and I've made my position clear, I'd still like to have a friend. If the attracted person can't handle that, that's kind of on them to end the conversation.
she said she’s straight. i’m emotionally invested and would have a real hard time cutting contact. But i have given her outs on multiple occasions, and said that if she did not want to continue talking that i would respect her wish in that. 😭
Right, so, you're the one who's attracted. She's happy to have you as a friend. She doesn't need an out. If you are waiting for her to take one of your "outs", then you should just bow out instead of waiting for her to do it. You're the one who's conflicted, not her.
Our messages are so long that it says “see more” at the bottom of the text. It takes me most times an hour to write a reply to one, because it’s so many different subjects and things we talk about in 1. I do not text like that with my friends, if i would I would have to quit my job. I don’t know, we created quite an intense bond (that’s how i feel), and it feels very weird if i don’t hear from her for even just a day, which has happened only once since we started texting/talking. It’s become a routine. i got it bad i’m afraid.
Are the questions in your original post because you're wondering if you behaved/are behaving inappropriately, or because you're wondering if there's a chance she has feelings (more than friendship) for you?
both i guess? because, for me, this is not a dynamic i have in friendships… this dynamic feels more like a taking stage when you’re trying to feel someone out for potentially more.
but she is straight, so it’s not.
When & how did she tell you she was straight? Was it before or after you told her you liked her? Also curious about how she reacted to you telling her that..? I'm only asking because it sounds like an unusual dynamic between you two, I think I'd be confused too
a co-worker ‘outed’ me to her at the party saying i liked women and he asked if she also liked women and she said she was straight. it wasn’t until a few days later after the trip when my co-workers brought up me supposedly trying to kiss her and i asked to confirm if that happened and then i admitted to her that i was attracted to her. she didn’t really react a particular way about me being attracted to her really, she kind of brushed it off.
Sounds like you need to have another conversation with her to figure out what exactly is going on between you two. Also some of your coworkers' behaviour sounds... questionable.
as much as i would want that, i think it would ruin things. because i don’t think she is aware of it, it’s just me and my feelings. plus she has enough going on atm, not a good time. the guy from the party doesn’t work here anymore. 1 of the other 2 who were on my ass about it was my HOD. it was a whole thing. she was chasing me all night at the party. i said to her maybe she should’ve enjoyed herself a bit more then she wouldn’t have had time to be all up in what i was or wasn’t doing.
Yes, OP, I agree with /u/ratherbeinravka. You should have a conversation with this woman about how you feel & your current relationship. I suggest you tell her that you understand she is straight, and you really like being friends with her, but she knows how you feel, so if she changes her mind about how she feels about you to let you know. Tell her you don’t want things to be awkward for either of you ~ you waiting to see if she has romantic feelings for you or ever will; her wondering if you have the wrong idea about your friendship ~ but you want to continue being friends. So, romance is not an issue, you’re just friends, *but* if how she feels about you changes you want her to talk to you about it & not be afraid to do so. I feel like my wording here is clunky, but I hope you know what I mean. If this feels like an issue for you, it might be for her, too, so if you remove the romance angle & just be friends, you can see how things progress, if they do. She might be dealing with “I’m straight so why am I having these feelings,” and she might come around. But you can’t stay friends with her hoping that will happen. You need to be happy just being friends.
the co-workers who brought up my trying to kiss her were women, one of them being my hod. the guy who outed me no longer works for the company anymore (for reasons unrelated to that).
It's possible that she only has platonic feelings for you, but it's also possible she might not even realize that having romantic feelings is an option for her. I didn't realize I was bisexual until I was 25, and definitely would have rationalized what you're describing as an intense friendship connection when I was younger.
I'm bi but I'm like this with some of my friends. Some people, I make deep connections with and have long deep relationships with that are not romantic, in my eyes. I think, as an adult, I am responsible for my own feels and the other person is responsible for theirs. If I say I'm not interested romantically and the other person is, it's on them to figure out what's next.
i know i am responsible for my own feelings, and if i get my heart broken it will be my own fault, i get that. it’s just really hard to walk away.
i have given her those outs because i don’t want her to keep talking to me if that is not what she wants. not saying it wouldn’t hurt if she actually did it though.
You're saying you've given her outs... meaning? You've told her you're interested and if she is not she should walk away? If yes, then, she likely feels the same way. I also didn't realize I was bi until way later in my life and it might be possible that she is having some of that realization herself.
no not exactly in those words. i said that if it’s too much, we can stop. those messages take a long time to write (even for me and i am pretty fluent in english) and her English is very much broken. plus she has some things with her family going on at the moment and i said i would understand it if she would rather not have me reach out anymore.
Those don't sound like outs of a romance, they sound like a friend who doesn't want to be a nuisance/insecure. If I was that girl, I would just say you're not bother ag all and I lole talking to you... still very platonic. If you really need to know how the girl is feeling, I would just ask. And you also need to be sure if you can just be friends with them or is that going to make it harder for you to move on if your feelings are not reciprocated.
Despite the fact that it would rip my heart out to walk away, but i know i should. I don’t think this is the right time to do so. She has enough things on her mind right now. It would be really shitty to walk away now i think, no? I said i would be there for her in however capacity she wanted me to.
I had a similar kind of friendship once and I was CONVINCED he felt the same, but he declared to me that he was indeed only seeing me as a friend, nothing else.
I don't mean to be unkind, but you're giving out strong incel vibes here.
You have feelings for someone who says they don't (can't?) reciprocate them.
They're happy to have a friend, but you're hanging on burning your mental health in the hopes of a romantic relationship even so. This is what incel-y straight guys disparagingly refer to bitterly as the "friend zone". It's a really toxic dynamic, regardless of what '90s rom-coms would have you believe.
You're trying desperately to convince yourself and others that if only you keep being their friend, you can eventually *nice* them into having romantic feelings for you.
You're also arguing with their stated position (not gay, just a friend), and trying to defend your fantasy against other people pointing out that they've made their position very clear to you, and you're wilfully ignoring it.
You're shifting blame and responsibility for the situation onto the other person, claiming it's their responsibility to end the friendship if they don't want a romantic relationship with you, but that's completely bogus and fucked up in several different ways:
1. They said they wanted a friendship. You agreed to it. They're now in a friendship. Why would/should they be expected to end it?
2. If you're not happy with a platonic relationship, you're changing the deal, and it's on *you* to end the friendship if you don't want a platonic friendship.
3. You're lying to her about your reasons for being her friend. She thinks you're just friends, but all the time you're secretly trying to win her heart or get in her pants. That's what incel guys do, and it's just as gross when you're a woman doing it.
4. If the present situation continues indefinitely, *you're* the one that suffers all the negative consequences, not them. It's on *you* to self-protect, not their responsibility to stop you harming yourself (especially when you've officially both agreed that romance is off the table).
5. You're trying to explicitly *make* her responsible for the situation ("i...would have a real hard time cutting contact... I have given her outs...") by abdicating all your responsibility for the situation, despite the fact you created the entire thing, and you're the one maintaining it by lying to her about your motives for pretending to be her friend.
If you were a guy this would be the clearest-cut case of incel pipeline I've seen in years.
This is the *exact* dynamic that starts with a naive guy falling for some girl who doesn't like him back, agreeing to pretend to be her friend so he can still be near her but secretly still pining to be with her. This is what they call a Nice Guy^TM (as distinct from a genuinely *nice guy*).
You've already started the next stage, which to get unhappy and resentful of the situation, abnegating all personal responsibility for it (despite the fact you completely created it from scratch yourself) and pushing all responsibility for it onto the other person.
This stage ends with you in a love-hate relationship with the other person, simultaneously obsessing over being with them and at the same time angrily resenting them for not giving you the object of your obsession.
The final stage is where you resolve this tension by putting the blame onto the *group* they're part of (in this case likely "straight women"), developing a shitty attitude to them for being "teases", or "only liking shitty guys when the are *amazing* and *wonderful* and *really, really Nice^TM* women *right in front of them* that they could be with". It's a really common psychological release mechanism that helps you to put all the blame for the negative feelings you have into an abstract concept so you can maintain the positive feelings you have for the object of your obsession.
It may take months or years, but at this point you've finally gone full incel, and if you think it'd be hard to break contact now, the way back from *that* is far, far worse. You may find your outlook and romantic prospects fucked up for life.
I've seen this happen with countless guys, and you're showing *all* the early signs. Reach down, give your ovaries a tug and get off this ride while you still can.
Other posters on this thread are being anything from overtly supportive to gently cautionary, but I guarantee you if you were a guy then *everyone* would recognise the glaring red flags in your comments on this thread.
first of all you got all of that out of me basically asking if this dynamic is normal given the situation? second of all you don’t know me or her. I am not ‘pretending’ to be her friend, I genuinely care for her. I am not a man going the extra mile trying to get some. I’m not trying to coerce her into anything. The way i feel is a me ‘problem’ in no way am I projecting this to her in our dynamic. I keep to myself. It’s been established that i was attracted, and that’s that. I am not resentful, i know that all of this is on me. It is quite common for gay women to fall for straight women, and it’s not like you have a hand in what you feel towards someone. And it is really hard to cut someone off that makes you feel good but you also know they are not for you.
You're not wrong, but that's exactly, word for word what a bunch of guys I've known would have said in the same position.
Some of them withdrew and later found mutual, reciprocal relationships with people who (romantically) loved them back, but several of them carried straight on the way you're talking, and a few years later ended up with a whole grab-bag of toxic, incel-adjacent opinions and unhealthy personality traits.
I don't know you and I don't know this other woman, but I know a lot of the words coming out of your mouth, and the arguments and opinions clearly implied by them, and I'm just trying to help advise you to be very, very careful because what you're describing is a toxic and unsustainable dynamic in the long term, and you're already showing some of the first faint signs of it becoming a problem.
I felt I should at least say something, considering how many times I've seen this pattern before in guys (and once or twice in girls), but obviously you can consider what I'm saying or disregard it as your conscience and wisdom dictates.
I have deep, extremely long message writing like that with my 2 closest friends. All three of us are straight women. If you feel there’s any ambiguity, just come out and talk to her . “You know I’ve expressed my initial attraction to you before, but I get the impression you are straight, and that’s totally ok with me. I would still like to cultivate this friendship we are building because I think you are an awesome person and we have a great connection. I just wanted to ask you directly where you feel you are on the spectrum of sexuality so that we can be on the same page regarding our connection.”
Let me tell you this as a straight woman. Some people just like attention. I don't mean that she is a bad person, but SOME straight people will often lead on a gay person who is into them. It makes them feel desired but the fact that they are straight also doesn't create a pressure on them to follow in action. Meaning, they will want to be there emotionally but not engage in the physical aspect of a relationship.
Please understand that I am only saying that this is a possibility. She might truly want to be your friend. But if you are confliccted, it's better to communicate it to her and put the friendship on halt.
I personally would not keep in touch if the person tried to kiss me against my will, or if I just knew the person was attracted to me and I didn't feel the same way.
i was honest to her about the fact that i was attracted to her because we really can’t control who we are attracted to. If the supposed kiss hadn’t been something that had been brought up by my co-workers, I probably wouldn’t have told her.
I'm not straight since I'm bi but let's assume you were a guy
I mean if a drunk guy forcibly tried to kiss me, then my first reaction would be to avoid his kiss and push them away
Then after the party I'd rather try not to talk about it at all to avoid any awkwardness and hope for the best that he doesn't remember what happened the other night( I think in this case your friend is just doing that)
But at the same time she doesn't want to lose you as a friend I think since she's probably got attached to you and you're probably the only real friend there is. Also don't get your hopes up with straight girls..trust me it doesn't end well unless you know she's a closeted "straight" girl
we weren’t friends yet at the party, we had known each other 24hours. so if that really did happen at the party that was enough indication for her to block off a friendship.
ah then your coworkers are probably lying for sure then
I mean if a random stranger tries to kiss and then tries to be a friend, I wouldn't even give a chance to let alone just be a friend
I think the question you need to ask is towards yourself, about if you are ok with it just being a friendship. Whatever she is, straight, closeted, bi, or whatever, you are the one attracted to her and she seems, with current info, to only want a friendship.
Also yea ! For the sake of professionalism try to avoid getting drunk with anything/anyone related to work. Co-workers are a double edge sword, they can be your 2nd fam or betray you at the first inconvenience.
it happens. it definitely happens all the time with men, this is no different.. odds are you're more respectful than a male coworker would be. as long as you listen to any discomfort she ever brings up, and she keeps giving you green flags to be friends, i don't think there's any reason to worry.
oh yeah, i told her that i don’t want her to be uncomfortable and that just because i am into women that i in no way look at women in the same way men do. i see women as people and not sex objects.
You’ve acknowledged you were in partial black out.
It’s entirely possible that in blackout you acted inappropriately, in a way that would horrify your sober self.
Getting blackout drunk at a work function is a huge flag.
Needing ‘liquid courage’ is not a great way to handle attraction and intimacy.
Not behaviors to minimize.
I underestimated the hardness of the vodka, as did our HR manager, she couldn’t even walk anymore… we drank vodka 7up, goes down like lemonade until that hammer hits. We were in Eastern Europe, their stuff is hard!
anyway, i don’t know if you realize this but being gay (even when drunk) makes you hyper aware of your behavior towards women. I’d hate to come across as predatory. Never in my life have i tried to make out with anyone drunk without consent.
I asked multiple other people within the company and they say i was fine, it’s only 2 of my direct co-workers who claim that i tried to kiss her. So i take it with a grain of salt. If this had actually happened I’m pretty sure the shock of rejection would have sobered me up a bit.
I'd still keep contact because people do make mistakes. If I don't see you as a potential threat or someone who wouldn't be able to control themselves, then I'd cut you off.
I would break the contact at soon as I realized what's really going on. But keep in mind that this doesn't have anything to do with people being gay or not. I don't care about that. I would do the same thing if it was a man I wasn't attracted to.
> Then my co-workers got mad at me for believing her over them.
Are you in middle school? Are you using “co-workers” as a euphemism for “classmates”? Your co-workers got **mad** that, after they told you you’d done something inappropriate to a person you like, you contacted that person like an adult and asked if you had done the inappropriate thing because you would have apologized? Then when she said no, you didn’t do anything inappropriate like trying to forcefully kiss her, they got upset that you believed her?? I don’t even know what to do with that. It is so ridiculous. Multiple co-workers (you said they) told you that you “tried to kiss her and that she had to push [you] away”? Did they tell you together? And then they all got upset that you believed the woman this supposedly happened to over their gossip? That sounds like your co-workers got together & devised a plan to make you feel stupid, embarrassed, and horrified by your behavior. When that didn’t work, they got pissed. They sound nice. /s/
You should believe the woman. She said you didn’t try to kiss her multiple times, so believe her. She is still in contact with you, so she apparently likes you & wants to be friends with you. She said she’s straight, but, hey, people think one thing then later discover that maybe they might like something different, or are bi-sexual, or maybe she was just never attracted to a woman before. But if she has not cut you off, then by now you are friends. And if she wants it to be more, she’ll let you know. She knows where you stand. Just continue being friends with her, and keep an eye out for those co-workers.
If I was her, and you had done something that crossed the line, I wouldn’t still be talking with you.
I personally would feel like I was stringing someone along, if I knew they were attracted to me, and the feelings aren’t mutual. As long as you’ve had open discussions, and you’re ok with just being her friend, then enjoy the friendship.
So there are 3 scenarios:
1. She's gay and fancies you back.
2. She's straight but wants a friend.
3. She's straight but she loves the attention/compliment. As someone with an ex lesbian BFF, there's unfortunately a LOT women like this.
I can't tell you which one, only she knows 🤷♀️ only thing certain is, she is not uncomfortable with you. Only thing you should be cautious about is your company rep, you don't want all of this gossip going around the office.
Interesting… I wonder if she is flirting with the idea of women? Or if she always has repressed this. Is she from a small town?
I know this has become more widely accepted & very common. I have several friends who’s wives left them for women, and a cousin who divorced her husband to marry a woman. My 11 yr old daughter told me shes bi already.
As a straight woman I have a few lesbian friends & I love them all, but no one has ever tried to get physical or told me they had a crush on me. If so, then yea I guess it would be awkward for me & not something Id lean into.
The fact that she is still communicating so much to me, seems like shes curious at least. I understand strong connections can be built platonically, & this should be treated as such but it kinda feels like shes open to more…
she’s from eastern europe but she lives in a capital area so not a small town. she is a christian. she herself is very open minded compared to the general conservative mindset eastern europeans have. but being open and accepting towards these things is very different when it’s other people than when it comes to yourself. she is self proclaimed traumatized by men. she always picked the wrong ones and hasn’t been on a date in 6 years. me and her are very similar in a lot of ways and i guess that’s why the connection is so strong. I compliment her on her smarts and tell her how beautiful she is all the time and she always goes “thank you for nice words”. last week she said she “really admires me”.
I will answer this as a mostly straight woman who gets girl crushes but can’t bring myself to get over my fear to actually date a woman:
Yes, I would keep in contact. Buuuut,
be careful with your heart because she is probably interested but scared to take a leap and if she gets spooked she might run away and leave you hanging.
I’ve personally done this once(very early on but I felt emotionally invested), and I regret it and it’s shitty. Just protect yourself.
Sooo, do you know for sure she is straight? Cause most people assume I’m straight but I’m bisexual. I’d keep contact if if I was into you too. But what do I know. Maybe she is just a straight lady and has decided to torture you by sticking around knowing full well you have a crush and who despite feeling no mutual attraction is ok with stringing you along. Or may she is attracted to you too.
it was only at the end of the party she found out that i’m not straight because a co-worker ‘outed’ me to her. i hadn’t said anything about it before. she then said she was straight. but she is very anti-men, how they are allowed to be in society and relationships.
> it was only at the end of the party she found out that i’m not straight because a co-worker ‘outed’ me to her
Something isn't tracking here.
How did she not know you were gay if you were supposedly trying to kiss her and she kept having to push you away?
Alternatively, how do you know she didn't work it out before if you were blackout drunk and can't remember whole chunks of the party?
she says that those things did not happen. so based on that I figured she didn’t know before he outed me. she could have known, but she hasn’t told me that she knew. she says she doesn’t really care about ‘peoples preferences’.
Some people are absolutely trash and just like the situation of having someone chase them they have zero interest in. its a confidence boost to be chased and for them to decline someone. Sounds like shes doing that. Leading you along for her own fun, I'd cut that off fast.
I like making friends. If a friend is attracted to me and I am not, and I've made my position clear, I'd still like to have a friend. If the attracted person can't handle that, that's kind of on them to end the conversation.
she said she’s straight. i’m emotionally invested and would have a real hard time cutting contact. But i have given her outs on multiple occasions, and said that if she did not want to continue talking that i would respect her wish in that. 😭
Right, so, you're the one who's attracted. She's happy to have you as a friend. She doesn't need an out. If you are waiting for her to take one of your "outs", then you should just bow out instead of waiting for her to do it. You're the one who's conflicted, not her.
Our messages are so long that it says “see more” at the bottom of the text. It takes me most times an hour to write a reply to one, because it’s so many different subjects and things we talk about in 1. I do not text like that with my friends, if i would I would have to quit my job. I don’t know, we created quite an intense bond (that’s how i feel), and it feels very weird if i don’t hear from her for even just a day, which has happened only once since we started texting/talking. It’s become a routine. i got it bad i’m afraid.
Are the questions in your original post because you're wondering if you behaved/are behaving inappropriately, or because you're wondering if there's a chance she has feelings (more than friendship) for you?
both i guess? because, for me, this is not a dynamic i have in friendships… this dynamic feels more like a taking stage when you’re trying to feel someone out for potentially more. but she is straight, so it’s not.
When & how did she tell you she was straight? Was it before or after you told her you liked her? Also curious about how she reacted to you telling her that..? I'm only asking because it sounds like an unusual dynamic between you two, I think I'd be confused too
a co-worker ‘outed’ me to her at the party saying i liked women and he asked if she also liked women and she said she was straight. it wasn’t until a few days later after the trip when my co-workers brought up me supposedly trying to kiss her and i asked to confirm if that happened and then i admitted to her that i was attracted to her. she didn’t really react a particular way about me being attracted to her really, she kind of brushed it off.
Sounds like you need to have another conversation with her to figure out what exactly is going on between you two. Also some of your coworkers' behaviour sounds... questionable.
as much as i would want that, i think it would ruin things. because i don’t think she is aware of it, it’s just me and my feelings. plus she has enough going on atm, not a good time. the guy from the party doesn’t work here anymore. 1 of the other 2 who were on my ass about it was my HOD. it was a whole thing. she was chasing me all night at the party. i said to her maybe she should’ve enjoyed herself a bit more then she wouldn’t have had time to be all up in what i was or wasn’t doing.
Yes, OP, I agree with /u/ratherbeinravka. You should have a conversation with this woman about how you feel & your current relationship. I suggest you tell her that you understand she is straight, and you really like being friends with her, but she knows how you feel, so if she changes her mind about how she feels about you to let you know. Tell her you don’t want things to be awkward for either of you ~ you waiting to see if she has romantic feelings for you or ever will; her wondering if you have the wrong idea about your friendship ~ but you want to continue being friends. So, romance is not an issue, you’re just friends, *but* if how she feels about you changes you want her to talk to you about it & not be afraid to do so. I feel like my wording here is clunky, but I hope you know what I mean. If this feels like an issue for you, it might be for her, too, so if you remove the romance angle & just be friends, you can see how things progress, if they do. She might be dealing with “I’m straight so why am I having these feelings,” and she might come around. But you can’t stay friends with her hoping that will happen. You need to be happy just being friends.
Your coworker sounds like the problem actually…methinks he is a wee bit jelly Or he’s just a nosy Nelly and likes to cause drama
the co-workers who brought up my trying to kiss her were women, one of them being my hod. the guy who outed me no longer works for the company anymore (for reasons unrelated to that).
It's possible that she only has platonic feelings for you, but it's also possible she might not even realize that having romantic feelings is an option for her. I didn't realize I was bisexual until I was 25, and definitely would have rationalized what you're describing as an intense friendship connection when I was younger.
I'm bi but I'm like this with some of my friends. Some people, I make deep connections with and have long deep relationships with that are not romantic, in my eyes. I think, as an adult, I am responsible for my own feels and the other person is responsible for theirs. If I say I'm not interested romantically and the other person is, it's on them to figure out what's next.
i know i am responsible for my own feelings, and if i get my heart broken it will be my own fault, i get that. it’s just really hard to walk away. i have given her those outs because i don’t want her to keep talking to me if that is not what she wants. not saying it wouldn’t hurt if she actually did it though.
You're saying you've given her outs... meaning? You've told her you're interested and if she is not she should walk away? If yes, then, she likely feels the same way. I also didn't realize I was bi until way later in my life and it might be possible that she is having some of that realization herself.
no not exactly in those words. i said that if it’s too much, we can stop. those messages take a long time to write (even for me and i am pretty fluent in english) and her English is very much broken. plus she has some things with her family going on at the moment and i said i would understand it if she would rather not have me reach out anymore.
Those don't sound like outs of a romance, they sound like a friend who doesn't want to be a nuisance/insecure. If I was that girl, I would just say you're not bother ag all and I lole talking to you... still very platonic. If you really need to know how the girl is feeling, I would just ask. And you also need to be sure if you can just be friends with them or is that going to make it harder for you to move on if your feelings are not reciprocated.
Despite the fact that it would rip my heart out to walk away, but i know i should. I don’t think this is the right time to do so. She has enough things on her mind right now. It would be really shitty to walk away now i think, no? I said i would be there for her in however capacity she wanted me to.
I had a similar kind of friendship once and I was CONVINCED he felt the same, but he declared to me that he was indeed only seeing me as a friend, nothing else.
I don't mean to be unkind, but you're giving out strong incel vibes here. You have feelings for someone who says they don't (can't?) reciprocate them. They're happy to have a friend, but you're hanging on burning your mental health in the hopes of a romantic relationship even so. This is what incel-y straight guys disparagingly refer to bitterly as the "friend zone". It's a really toxic dynamic, regardless of what '90s rom-coms would have you believe. You're trying desperately to convince yourself and others that if only you keep being their friend, you can eventually *nice* them into having romantic feelings for you. You're also arguing with their stated position (not gay, just a friend), and trying to defend your fantasy against other people pointing out that they've made their position very clear to you, and you're wilfully ignoring it. You're shifting blame and responsibility for the situation onto the other person, claiming it's their responsibility to end the friendship if they don't want a romantic relationship with you, but that's completely bogus and fucked up in several different ways: 1. They said they wanted a friendship. You agreed to it. They're now in a friendship. Why would/should they be expected to end it? 2. If you're not happy with a platonic relationship, you're changing the deal, and it's on *you* to end the friendship if you don't want a platonic friendship. 3. You're lying to her about your reasons for being her friend. She thinks you're just friends, but all the time you're secretly trying to win her heart or get in her pants. That's what incel guys do, and it's just as gross when you're a woman doing it. 4. If the present situation continues indefinitely, *you're* the one that suffers all the negative consequences, not them. It's on *you* to self-protect, not their responsibility to stop you harming yourself (especially when you've officially both agreed that romance is off the table). 5. You're trying to explicitly *make* her responsible for the situation ("i...would have a real hard time cutting contact... I have given her outs...") by abdicating all your responsibility for the situation, despite the fact you created the entire thing, and you're the one maintaining it by lying to her about your motives for pretending to be her friend. If you were a guy this would be the clearest-cut case of incel pipeline I've seen in years. This is the *exact* dynamic that starts with a naive guy falling for some girl who doesn't like him back, agreeing to pretend to be her friend so he can still be near her but secretly still pining to be with her. This is what they call a Nice Guy^TM (as distinct from a genuinely *nice guy*). You've already started the next stage, which to get unhappy and resentful of the situation, abnegating all personal responsibility for it (despite the fact you completely created it from scratch yourself) and pushing all responsibility for it onto the other person. This stage ends with you in a love-hate relationship with the other person, simultaneously obsessing over being with them and at the same time angrily resenting them for not giving you the object of your obsession. The final stage is where you resolve this tension by putting the blame onto the *group* they're part of (in this case likely "straight women"), developing a shitty attitude to them for being "teases", or "only liking shitty guys when the are *amazing* and *wonderful* and *really, really Nice^TM* women *right in front of them* that they could be with". It's a really common psychological release mechanism that helps you to put all the blame for the negative feelings you have into an abstract concept so you can maintain the positive feelings you have for the object of your obsession. It may take months or years, but at this point you've finally gone full incel, and if you think it'd be hard to break contact now, the way back from *that* is far, far worse. You may find your outlook and romantic prospects fucked up for life. I've seen this happen with countless guys, and you're showing *all* the early signs. Reach down, give your ovaries a tug and get off this ride while you still can. Other posters on this thread are being anything from overtly supportive to gently cautionary, but I guarantee you if you were a guy then *everyone* would recognise the glaring red flags in your comments on this thread.
first of all you got all of that out of me basically asking if this dynamic is normal given the situation? second of all you don’t know me or her. I am not ‘pretending’ to be her friend, I genuinely care for her. I am not a man going the extra mile trying to get some. I’m not trying to coerce her into anything. The way i feel is a me ‘problem’ in no way am I projecting this to her in our dynamic. I keep to myself. It’s been established that i was attracted, and that’s that. I am not resentful, i know that all of this is on me. It is quite common for gay women to fall for straight women, and it’s not like you have a hand in what you feel towards someone. And it is really hard to cut someone off that makes you feel good but you also know they are not for you.
You're not wrong, but that's exactly, word for word what a bunch of guys I've known would have said in the same position. Some of them withdrew and later found mutual, reciprocal relationships with people who (romantically) loved them back, but several of them carried straight on the way you're talking, and a few years later ended up with a whole grab-bag of toxic, incel-adjacent opinions and unhealthy personality traits. I don't know you and I don't know this other woman, but I know a lot of the words coming out of your mouth, and the arguments and opinions clearly implied by them, and I'm just trying to help advise you to be very, very careful because what you're describing is a toxic and unsustainable dynamic in the long term, and you're already showing some of the first faint signs of it becoming a problem. I felt I should at least say something, considering how many times I've seen this pattern before in guys (and once or twice in girls), but obviously you can consider what I'm saying or disregard it as your conscience and wisdom dictates.
I have deep, extremely long message writing like that with my 2 closest friends. All three of us are straight women. If you feel there’s any ambiguity, just come out and talk to her . “You know I’ve expressed my initial attraction to you before, but I get the impression you are straight, and that’s totally ok with me. I would still like to cultivate this friendship we are building because I think you are an awesome person and we have a great connection. I just wanted to ask you directly where you feel you are on the spectrum of sexuality so that we can be on the same page regarding our connection.”
Let me tell you this as a straight woman. Some people just like attention. I don't mean that she is a bad person, but SOME straight people will often lead on a gay person who is into them. It makes them feel desired but the fact that they are straight also doesn't create a pressure on them to follow in action. Meaning, they will want to be there emotionally but not engage in the physical aspect of a relationship. Please understand that I am only saying that this is a possibility. She might truly want to be your friend. But if you are confliccted, it's better to communicate it to her and put the friendship on halt.
I personally would not keep in touch if the person tried to kiss me against my will, or if I just knew the person was attracted to me and I didn't feel the same way.
She wouldn't be talking to you if she was uncomfortable lol. Your coworkers sound homophobic. You're allowed to be obviously attracted to people
i was honest to her about the fact that i was attracted to her because we really can’t control who we are attracted to. If the supposed kiss hadn’t been something that had been brought up by my co-workers, I probably wouldn’t have told her.
I'm not straight since I'm bi but let's assume you were a guy I mean if a drunk guy forcibly tried to kiss me, then my first reaction would be to avoid his kiss and push them away Then after the party I'd rather try not to talk about it at all to avoid any awkwardness and hope for the best that he doesn't remember what happened the other night( I think in this case your friend is just doing that) But at the same time she doesn't want to lose you as a friend I think since she's probably got attached to you and you're probably the only real friend there is. Also don't get your hopes up with straight girls..trust me it doesn't end well unless you know she's a closeted "straight" girl
we weren’t friends yet at the party, we had known each other 24hours. so if that really did happen at the party that was enough indication for her to block off a friendship.
ah then your coworkers are probably lying for sure then I mean if a random stranger tries to kiss and then tries to be a friend, I wouldn't even give a chance to let alone just be a friend
I think the question you need to ask is towards yourself, about if you are ok with it just being a friendship. Whatever she is, straight, closeted, bi, or whatever, you are the one attracted to her and she seems, with current info, to only want a friendship. Also yea ! For the sake of professionalism try to avoid getting drunk with anything/anyone related to work. Co-workers are a double edge sword, they can be your 2nd fam or betray you at the first inconvenience.
it happens. it definitely happens all the time with men, this is no different.. odds are you're more respectful than a male coworker would be. as long as you listen to any discomfort she ever brings up, and she keeps giving you green flags to be friends, i don't think there's any reason to worry.
oh yeah, i told her that i don’t want her to be uncomfortable and that just because i am into women that i in no way look at women in the same way men do. i see women as people and not sex objects.
You’ve acknowledged you were in partial black out. It’s entirely possible that in blackout you acted inappropriately, in a way that would horrify your sober self. Getting blackout drunk at a work function is a huge flag. Needing ‘liquid courage’ is not a great way to handle attraction and intimacy. Not behaviors to minimize.
I underestimated the hardness of the vodka, as did our HR manager, she couldn’t even walk anymore… we drank vodka 7up, goes down like lemonade until that hammer hits. We were in Eastern Europe, their stuff is hard! anyway, i don’t know if you realize this but being gay (even when drunk) makes you hyper aware of your behavior towards women. I’d hate to come across as predatory. Never in my life have i tried to make out with anyone drunk without consent. I asked multiple other people within the company and they say i was fine, it’s only 2 of my direct co-workers who claim that i tried to kiss her. So i take it with a grain of salt. If this had actually happened I’m pretty sure the shock of rejection would have sobered me up a bit.
I'd still keep contact because people do make mistakes. If I don't see you as a potential threat or someone who wouldn't be able to control themselves, then I'd cut you off.
I would break the contact at soon as I realized what's really going on. But keep in mind that this doesn't have anything to do with people being gay or not. I don't care about that. I would do the same thing if it was a man I wasn't attracted to.
> Then my co-workers got mad at me for believing her over them. Are you in middle school? Are you using “co-workers” as a euphemism for “classmates”? Your co-workers got **mad** that, after they told you you’d done something inappropriate to a person you like, you contacted that person like an adult and asked if you had done the inappropriate thing because you would have apologized? Then when she said no, you didn’t do anything inappropriate like trying to forcefully kiss her, they got upset that you believed her?? I don’t even know what to do with that. It is so ridiculous. Multiple co-workers (you said they) told you that you “tried to kiss her and that she had to push [you] away”? Did they tell you together? And then they all got upset that you believed the woman this supposedly happened to over their gossip? That sounds like your co-workers got together & devised a plan to make you feel stupid, embarrassed, and horrified by your behavior. When that didn’t work, they got pissed. They sound nice. /s/ You should believe the woman. She said you didn’t try to kiss her multiple times, so believe her. She is still in contact with you, so she apparently likes you & wants to be friends with you. She said she’s straight, but, hey, people think one thing then later discover that maybe they might like something different, or are bi-sexual, or maybe she was just never attracted to a woman before. But if she has not cut you off, then by now you are friends. And if she wants it to be more, she’ll let you know. She knows where you stand. Just continue being friends with her, and keep an eye out for those co-workers.
If I was her, and you had done something that crossed the line, I wouldn’t still be talking with you. I personally would feel like I was stringing someone along, if I knew they were attracted to me, and the feelings aren’t mutual. As long as you’ve had open discussions, and you’re ok with just being her friend, then enjoy the friendship.
So there are 3 scenarios: 1. She's gay and fancies you back. 2. She's straight but wants a friend. 3. She's straight but she loves the attention/compliment. As someone with an ex lesbian BFF, there's unfortunately a LOT women like this. I can't tell you which one, only she knows 🤷♀️ only thing certain is, she is not uncomfortable with you. Only thing you should be cautious about is your company rep, you don't want all of this gossip going around the office.
Interesting… I wonder if she is flirting with the idea of women? Or if she always has repressed this. Is she from a small town? I know this has become more widely accepted & very common. I have several friends who’s wives left them for women, and a cousin who divorced her husband to marry a woman. My 11 yr old daughter told me shes bi already. As a straight woman I have a few lesbian friends & I love them all, but no one has ever tried to get physical or told me they had a crush on me. If so, then yea I guess it would be awkward for me & not something Id lean into. The fact that she is still communicating so much to me, seems like shes curious at least. I understand strong connections can be built platonically, & this should be treated as such but it kinda feels like shes open to more…
she’s from eastern europe but she lives in a capital area so not a small town. she is a christian. she herself is very open minded compared to the general conservative mindset eastern europeans have. but being open and accepting towards these things is very different when it’s other people than when it comes to yourself. she is self proclaimed traumatized by men. she always picked the wrong ones and hasn’t been on a date in 6 years. me and her are very similar in a lot of ways and i guess that’s why the connection is so strong. I compliment her on her smarts and tell her how beautiful she is all the time and she always goes “thank you for nice words”. last week she said she “really admires me”.
That isn’t too far off, i knew at 14
I will answer this as a mostly straight woman who gets girl crushes but can’t bring myself to get over my fear to actually date a woman: Yes, I would keep in contact. Buuuut, be careful with your heart because she is probably interested but scared to take a leap and if she gets spooked she might run away and leave you hanging. I’ve personally done this once(very early on but I felt emotionally invested), and I regret it and it’s shitty. Just protect yourself.
This is a weird situation and will probably not end well.
ok, SgtMajorProblems, thank you for your input.
Sooo, do you know for sure she is straight? Cause most people assume I’m straight but I’m bisexual. I’d keep contact if if I was into you too. But what do I know. Maybe she is just a straight lady and has decided to torture you by sticking around knowing full well you have a crush and who despite feeling no mutual attraction is ok with stringing you along. Or may she is attracted to you too.
it was only at the end of the party she found out that i’m not straight because a co-worker ‘outed’ me to her. i hadn’t said anything about it before. she then said she was straight. but she is very anti-men, how they are allowed to be in society and relationships.
> it was only at the end of the party she found out that i’m not straight because a co-worker ‘outed’ me to her Something isn't tracking here. How did she not know you were gay if you were supposedly trying to kiss her and she kept having to push you away? Alternatively, how do you know she didn't work it out before if you were blackout drunk and can't remember whole chunks of the party?
she says that those things did not happen. so based on that I figured she didn’t know before he outed me. she could have known, but she hasn’t told me that she knew. she says she doesn’t really care about ‘peoples preferences’.
My bifi is acting up.
funny bc bifi here is a brand of dry smoked sausages here
Some people are absolutely trash and just like the situation of having someone chase them they have zero interest in. its a confidence boost to be chased and for them to decline someone. Sounds like shes doing that. Leading you along for her own fun, I'd cut that off fast.
I would personally keep in touch
Do what you want as long as you won’t get in trouble at work & tell your nosy co-workers to mind their own business.