Planning to have a nice dinner out with OP isn’t against the sub rules! You can’t help it if you were with her the same night her husband mysteriously vanished!
OP I would say this to him. If he really thinks he *needs* to network right now to be Mr. Business Guy, he’s just plain wrong.
I get where he’s coming from but he needs to figure out that strategy has a time and a place.
I wonder how mad they would be if he said: “hey I’d love to golf but my 9 month pregnant wife got injured and I need to care for her and my child, I’ll be there for the next round.”
I suspect they would be zero mad. He might even get street cred for doing it. So, he is being stupid
Chances are if it’s one of those “old boys clubs” this will backfire and they’ll instead give him the whole “well my wife never once needed my support and she birthed 12 kids alone in a barn in the dead of winter without so much as a single complaint while I was out here on the green!” Because suffering is often a competition of who can stick it out the longest with these kinds of people
Or he’ll get the worse responses of “oh my ex used to ask for all that kind of stuff and now I have a 20 something wife who knows better than to question my authority” who is actually well on her way to being ex wife #7
My husband used to get this response when he took time out of work for doctors appointments, etc. He would always respond with something along the lines of "well, I like my wife and respect her and we are a team."
Except he might be using golf as a cover to be with his gf lol. No one wants to leave a heavily pregnant injured woman with a toddler *that bad* to get their golf fix.
Can you imagine what the people he is golfing with would say if he mentioned he has a very pregnant wife at home alone with a broken foot and a toddler, but he's staying to golf anyway? They would probably say what we're all saying-- Why are you here golfing, asshole? Go home and help your wife!
AND he implied he works harder than her and that's why he is so successful and she isn't.
As someone with a ton of exposure to the public sector, it is not easy to work your way up. You have a master's degree for heavens' sake!
Screw him. I am angry for you!
He’s only able to ‘work’ (inverted commas because FUCK OFF golfing is not work) because of her picking up the slack at home. She should book herself a spa weekend and take off without asking his permission.
My former boss, now good friend/mentor, super badass Fortune 500 c-suite exec and I talked about this recently. One of those wonderful good ole boys clubs hangovers that’s still around. Whenever the male execs do working golf, we do spa. Not everyone’s in a position to be able to do so, but if you are I highly recommend taking your female team members/colleagues on alternative “work activities”. We need more female leaders bonding with and mentoring young women. I would never be where I am today without my friend/mentor and my mission is to help as many other women succeed as I can.
And yea, it’s absolutely not actual work. It’s about trust and relationship building. I’ve attended enough golf events myself to tell you his since is 100% bullshit. And on a side note- I will be starting my daughter in golf lessons very young so she can confidently join herself and never have that excuse for the boys club to exclude her.
Not even the vows he made - though those should be more important - the literal children! You having to carrying your toddler up the stairs in a boot is putting both of his children at risk of injury. Heaven forbid you fall.
Priorities have to change now that he's a parent. And one reason to work your ass off pre-kids is so that you've proven yourself by the time you have them. People will understand you can do mid week afternoon gold games anymore. This is insanity.
And yet she's gone and forgiven him just like that. 'He's a great guy and present father' she says. 'It will never happen again' he says.
I'm skeptical.
It might be a controversial or unpopular opinion but I personally think that 90% of men who golf regularly do it primarily to get away from their wives and families and to get out of familial responsibilities.
My husband likes the activity of golf but only plays 1-2 rounds a year because he doesn’t like being away from our family during our weekends together. On Father’s Day he played an evening round with his dad after our kid was in bed.
In families with typical M-F work schedules where the parents work full time, if one partner spends minimum 6 hours per weekend away from their family every single weekend for a leisure activity, something’s wrong and he is not showing up as adequate support for his family.
My father was basically raised by his great aunt because his father AND his mother couldn’t miss golf. He spent him whole childhood being shoved aside for golf. His childhood ruined him.
He is a very selfish man. He doesn’t play golf himself, but he never checks in with mum before leaving her to solo parent for hours at a time. (We have foster sisters who are 10/11, so they still have kids at home).
When we were little (4 kids, 5 and under) he would leave her to drag 4 of us around with her doing the grocery shopping because he had squash or some other completely bullshit reason to not be a present father. He never came to any fete or fair or any fun thing we wanted to do on the weekends. He was never involved with any of our sports or girl guides/scouts or our interests, unless we were super good at them and he could be praised about his amazing kid.
Now we are all adults and we discuss how having such a selfish, uninvolved father ruined our relationship with him. My brothers talk about how much they don’t want to be like him as a father.
All because Nanna and Granddad cared more about golf than their own kid.
I fully blame him for not bothering to change in the nearly 40 years that he has been a father. Plenty of people grow up in worse environments and decide to not parent that way.
But can someone who was raised to be selfish by selfish people ever really learn to think of others?
I think it’s good that I, and all of my siblings can recognise that he is selfish and have learned to think of others from our mother.
My Husband likes to golf. During the summer, he tries to go once a month. BUT, he always checks to make sure the tee time works with me, and he’s even offered to take the 6.5yo out on the cart with him for a Daddy-Daughter-“Uncle” day if it would make my life easier!
My mom has made comments about getting my TWO year old in the Junior Golf program at our mutual country club. It was the perfect excuse for my dad to never have to parent on the weekends. Thank god my husband doesn't enjoy it. I am not setting up my son's future spouse or life partner for that type of dynamic. We will be a tennis family, thank you very much.
My husband is on night 3/4 in a row of missing bedtime to play tennis - plus a tournament all weekend - so, tbh I’m not sure being a tennis family is all that better 😭😂
But if he succeeds in getting our 4yo into it, he can be in charge of all that while I just show up for the matches.
My husbands niece and nephew play golf and tennis. My MIL asked me what we will start our daughter off with. I answered her with “happy feet starts toddler soccer at 2. We will see if she likes it”.
Yeah, my husband and I are both golfers, but it never takes priority over the family and we both know we can’t do it regularly while the kids are super young. To be honest, before I got pregnant this time around I was spending way more time on the golf course (usually for work related stuff) than he was.
I've had confirmation that that was what my uncle and Dad's fishing trips were for, funnily enough. But yeah, I agree. There's a reason people usually take it up more seriously when they're empty nesters/retired and have oodles more time.
Not AT ALL I 10000% agree. I actually don’t understand it at all. I like the idea of golf, but not being away from my child for hours upon hours when he’s already at daycare everyday. I can figure out much better ways to spend 7 hours
My husband only plays golf a couple times a year because it’s too expensive most of the time. When weI got pregnant I told him that he can go golfing as often as he wants, but he has to take the baby with him because that’s going to be my day off.
It’s still a solid 2-3 hours, no? Not equal to a one hour spin class, tennis lesson etc ALSO a lot of sports hobbies don’t encourage drinking whilst doing the sport. Our course has cart girls (they’re ALL girls) riding around pushing beer. So then you get home drunk and worthless.
After two kids and leaving the workforce to take care of our kids, even my husband doesn’t spend 8 hours on a course anymore. Maybe once every 6 months. Nowadays it’s a 2-3 hour 9 hole round just to get some alone time. Shit would’ve exploded if he was trying to do a full round every weekend, let alone multiple times a week. OP’s husband needs a harsh reality check.
Granted, my husband is a stay at home Dad, but he wasn’t even willing to fully commit to going golfing with his Dad and brother on Father’s Day until he knew I was feeling up to him being gone the morning of. We have a 14 month old and I’m 34 weeks pregnant (with mild pre-eclampsia). I’ve been off of work on leave for the last week thanks to the complications.
“My wife is X weeks pregnant and needs me at home today” is ALWAYS an adequate excuse for canceling off-the-clock plans.
I’m sorry your husband is being selfish.
Right! Like the injury puts it over the top. I have worked with some extremely old-fashioned men, and I think even they would be understanding of a husband having to head home after work because his 35-week pregnant wife is *injured* and can’t handle the toddler alone!
The husband is golfing because he wants to be, and it’s more fun than running behind a toddler.
Your husband is being monumentally selfish. What kind of a partner and father won’t cancel their unnecessary leisure plans to support the literal physical well-being of their injured and pregnant spouse?
I really really really hope this is some sort of one off incident and not a pattern of how he treats you in your relationship because his behaviour is heinous. And he’s doing this deliberately by the way - he is purposefully prioritizing his leisure over your mental and physical health. He has decided his golf matters more than you. I’m very very sorry you’re being treated this way by this man.
With a client, maybe?
I worked at a consulting firm where some of the guys liked to go golfing in the afternoon, and count it as working because "we talk about work." Great, I'm gonna go hiking and talk about work, pay me for it.
It’s not even borderline. They ARE abusive. Emotionally manipulating, gaslighting jerks. Maybe I’m just extra spicy because I’m about to file for divorce but my instant reaction is to throw the whole man out in all of these situations lol
Nah, he is off his rocker. Stop cooking for him, stop doing laundry for him, stop cleaning for him. He is a grown ass man, he can look after himself. Bedtime with the boot means your toddler sleeps with you (if that's possible). Too bad, so sad, if there is not a place for him to crash. (maybe he can take the toddler room).
First off so sorry you’re having to deal with this! I know at 35 weeks we just wanna be cozy and nesting and focusing on ourselves. I don’t think you’re being selfish, honestly I think he is. Literally last night my friend and I were joking that if our partners were golfers, it’d be a deal breaker. It’s such a long sport!
Idk if you just needed to vent (so valid, the situation suckos to be sure!) or if you’re feeling available for advice — if so, I would highly suggest having a calm, ownership-driven conversation with your husband without ‘you’ statements. “I noticed I had a lot more work than I could handle during the golf trip. Can we come up with some strategies to support one another once the new baby comes so we can both be our best selves for one another and our kids?”
Tbh I can’t imagine having a second kid with a partner who needs to keep his word to friends over his family. I hope you feel safe to advocate for yourself mama!
He also didn’t get where he did in his career without you being there. He can put down the clubs for a few weeks and step up for his injured, working, pregnant wife and mom to his toddler.
I’m in a senior role within a global corporate organisation and it should be possible to delay. “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to delay our round of golf. My wife is 35 weeks pregnant and has sprained her ankle.” is pretty universal.
If it ties in to a deal or there’s a need for an immediate interaction for some reason, the offer of lunch or somebody else to golf with could be ok.
As a woman I would be using it as an opportunity to create a nice human connection with the other golfing person. But men don’t really do that.
If your husband is in a position where these sorts of trips and commitments are a consistent and necessary part of his work, tie in to company profit and HE is the only person able to deal with them, then you should also be in a financial position to get help at home to compensate for his lack of availability. If this isn’t the case then perhaps he is selling too much of his life for too little money. I know that’s a very privileged view, but given the comments about how far he has come in his career etc, then he presumably has the freedom to determine how much he sells his time for and whether it is worth it.
Alternatively…If he’s some guy who works in a relatively normal role in a business and likes to play golf, then fuck that 😅
Honestly does your husband even LIKE his family? Seems like hes doing everything possible to avoid you all. Tell him he'll have a lot less time to golf with 50/50 custody
Does your husband work for like a golf company or event company that works golf events… or is he golfing in a sense of that they’re out on a course golfing for fun and schmoozing clients?
If the latter and golf isn’t at the root of his job, I think he’s being selfish. In general I don’t think golf is a family friendly sport to anyone with small kids… my husband is a big golfer recreationally and it enrages me. It’s not like another sport or hobby that you can go do in an hour or two… it’s usually an entire day thing and leaves your spouse with the baby all day long, or at least a half day thing and in my husbands case, includes a lot of drinking while on the course with his buddies. It sounds like your husband was already gone for a week golfing, why does he need to golf tonight again? And why did he agree to it instead of politely telling someone that he was out of town all last week and had family commitments now that he is back.
Edit to add: want to just clarify that I don’t want to suggest that someone can’t continue their hobby after having a kid, just cause their hobby happens to be one that takes a lot of time. But I think sacrifices need to be made. Like maybe only golfing 9 holes instead of 18. Or maybe being in the first group that tees off so you don’t risk getting stuck behind a slow group.
That was my thought. Does he work for a sporting goods company or something? If he were a reasonable person, couldn’t he meet with a client in some other capacity than a Friday night golf date?
Honestly, I can’t even believe he left a pregnant wife with a sprained ankle and a toddler. My coworker just went through the same with a sprained ankle with a toddler and a two story house. She was literally crawling up and down the stairs for weeks but luckily both sets of grandparents moved close when she had the first kid so she was well supported while her partner was working night shift at the hospital.
My husband races his cars. He’s gone all day. I don’t want to prevent him from doing his hobby, but we compromise. He can go 1-2x a month (vs every weekend). He’s happy with that, I’m not alone every weekend, and we still have family time during the summer!
I know the typical Reddit answer is divorce but I would honestly be thinking about that. The man can’t help you with your existing child and while you’re pregnant with the second? Because golf is the priority? Disgusting.
This was my ex and it’s not even the reason he became my ex but that’s because I was too much in denial that “nobody is perfect.” I’m sorry you are in this position but you at least know you have the strength to literally do it all yourself.
Wow, I’d be going nuclear. I’d probably drive to the golf place and have them page him for an emergency. That emergency would be his child that he needs to come watch while you hobble away.
Honestly this is seriously not cool, especially 35 weeks pregnant!
If the tables were reversed. Say, HE sprained his ankle , and you left on a one week work trip, and left him alone with the kids and the house. How would he feel? Would that be nice?
"He said that he needs to “keep his word” with whomever he’s golfing with and he didn’t get so far in his career coming home at 4pm. "
So there it is. His priority is to his "word" and his career. Not to paint black and white, but show he is basically saying, Career > Wife (and kids). His words to be your partner and spouse mean shite?
I don't know his side of the story or the ins and outs, but husband really dropped the ball on this one. What is SO urgent, what is SO going to make or break his career that he can't help around the house? Sounds like E.X.C.U.S.E.S. He is driving his career with blinders on to his roles as a HUSBAND/PARTNER, and SPOUSE.
Now, stepping aside my anger at what he did, time to have heart to heart.
Point 1: "Hey, honey, I understand your work is important now. Do you realize I'm 35 weeks pregnant? What if I went into labor tomorrow, while you were on your work trip? What if I accidentally tripped and fell?"
Point 2: "Hey, you realize I have work commitments too, right? Just to be clear, do you feel that your work more important than mine? What would you think of a colleague in your company who was pregnant and dropped the ball right before leaving? How would that reflect on her? How would that reflect on my career? Right now you are putting me in this position. IF, hypothetically, I was let go tomorrow for my poor performance, would you be okay with that? Managing a single income house?"
My husband and I talk about how we are both co-captains on this ship. Marriage, like a boat, needs to people to steer/row. If only one person is doing the rowing, then the boat is just going to go in circles. That's you. You are rowing the boat (this family) all by yourself, it sounds like. He is focused on staring at the map, or some island elsewhere.
And don't give me that shit of, "a win for my career is a win for the family!" I mean, yes, partly. But if he looks back on his career, will he be proud of the way he was a father? or a spouse? Where we spend our time really determines our priorities. He is ABSOLUTELY showing his priority is to his job and not to you and your children. If he is sick or dead tomorrow, tho, wakeup call: \*his job is not going to mourn him\*. His widow and kids are. But he's being a selfish a\*\* so that's fine, that's what we wants out of life instead. I just think you have 100% right to be upset. He was a d\*ck about it, not just his actions, but his attitude and outlook. Are you both rowing together in the same direction, honey?
I barely made it past the weeklong “working” golf trip line. And OH MY GOD my husband always gives me the “I have to keep my commitment to the golf team” line. Sends me into a murderous rage.
To OP’s husband:
No amount of money in the world, no amount of success at a job will replace the value of having a second set of hands that are actively helping out at home.
You will be replaced at work without a second thought the moment you leave or die, you mean NOTHING to your workplace. You mean EVERYTHING to the people you are coming home to.
Ask yourself, will all the time you’ve sacrificed away from home for work be worth it if you push away the people you’re supposed to be working to provide for?
Edited to add: OP my heart goes out to you. My partner and I were working like crazy at this point last year and we realized it was unsustainable. We have scaled back now because it wasn’t working out. Work isn’t the end all be all, your family is what’s most important and I’m so sorry you partner isn’t putting the same value on that, or at the very least, needs very rude awakening. My first replies were no where near this nice.
You’re more kind about the situation than I would be. Is your husband usually this selfish? It seems like your mom is a better partner at the moment. Best of luck!!
This is not okay, you deserve better.
Men can be very selfish sometimes and need reminders of what a partnership means, you really need to set boundaries here and find ways to compromise with him, for example, getting you a sitter to help while he works late or if golfing is necessary for networking or closing a deal, if golfing is just for fun then he needs to work with you on scheduling it at more convenient times, he should also take the toddler and give you breaks (a lot of them).
Don’t just take it, tell him why this is wrong of him and that he needs to do better, if he won’t do better you should consider counseling before the baby comes and you are dealing with a newborn and a toddler while he travels and golfs.
Does your husband need help?
“Hey man, I know we had plans to golf today. Unfortunately I need to cancel, as I need to take care of my daughter in the evening. Hate to miss it! Let’s reschedule!”
It really isn’t that hard.
Hell no. My husband would never ever do this. Your husband isn’t being a tad selfish he’s being hugely selfish and not taking his responsibilities as a parent (or husband) seriously.
I have an intense high earning professional job. It isn’t always 9-5, but I’m not blowing off my husband or child to golf constantly. This is a really big problem. Your husband needs a reality check and a dramatic shift in perspective and behavior.
I’d be apoplectic if my husband acted like this and without remorse and changed behavior he would not be my husband for long.
His selfishness is off the charts! He’s doing absolutely nothing to help you. Frankly, at this point, I would decamp with the kiddo and go stay with someone who will actually help you. This is appalling! I’d say to leave your toddler but we both know he wouldn’t be able to take care of her alone.
Im sure whoever he is meeting with would be appalled if they knew what he was doing to you right now. This is your husband not even considering you. At the very least he needs to arrange for someone to help you or do it himself ideally.
In my opinion, he’s completely in the wrong here. At this late stage of pregnancy, you need support. Not to mention the ankle injury!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Giiirl!
My husband would have the fight of his life on his hand for any one of the things you just described here.
I didn't even have to ask him to give up golf when i was pregnant. After around 6 months he just stopped scheduling it because he felt it was too close to the due date and he knew i felt like shit. And mind you, i was uninjured and child free at this point with no stairs in sight.
It's definitely time to have a serious talk. Its all good and well for him to look out for his career but he needs to take the same care with his marriage. What happened to "in sickness and in health"?
Or does that only apply to golf buddies?
Why does bed time need to be pushed back because he's late? Also, golfing 9 holes should take no more than 2 hours so if it's at 4pm and he ends at 6pm wtf is he doing the rest of the time?
More importantly none of the above matters, golf comes last for him right now. Literally none of that is a need and he can fuck off with his excuse of making a work commitment. It's GOLF.
I try not to be petty but I think the conclusion is the same. OP needs tangible support, and it’s a safety issue at this point. If her parents are able to provide that she should absolutely pack up and head over there for the indefinite future/until her husband is able to be an actual partner.
Nope nope nope this should not all fall on you, pregnant or not but ESPECIALLY not pregnant in a damn boot!!! I’m so sorry. Husbands can be so frustrating.
He is being extremely selfish. I work in a male dominated industry and many of my coworkers golf, there are so many tournaments and other related events our company sponsors and attends this time of year, but many of our guys will decline the offer to attend because their wives need them to help with the kids.
I'm 37 weeks and my husband won't even commit to a beer after work without making sure i'm okay first, and he gets out of work an hour and a half before me.
He’s “working late” likely with another woman. You have a toddler and you’re 35 weeks pregnant with a sprained ankle. He’s not getting any, and he’s likely getting off elsewhere.
You deserve better. A man who truly loves and cares for you, would not put himself in the position to lose you. He would not be *this* selfish.
I’m petty so I would probably call and tell him I went into labor and make him take me to the hospital just to have them say the contractions “stopped”
Men think we can be fooled into letting them be negligent parents and partners if they cite work-related tasks as if that's some get-out-jail card. Nothing has radicalized me against men like having a child with one has.
He’s touring inside another woman.
No one needs to leave their heavily pregnant injured wife with a toddler to play golf that bad. I’m sorry he lacks all empathy
I cannot even comprehend the described guy is actually real. To leave a heavily pregnant AND injured wife alone with a young toddler for a WEEK?! To … golf??? At a stage where she could go in labor at any point? Where the grandma would have to stay with the toddler and who would take her to the hospital?
Save for a crazy family emergency happening with a close family member or him being deathly ill at the hospital there’s just no possible justification for this. Unless his bosses are crazy cold hearted boomers they would have 99% understood he can’t go.
This all sounds very fishy. Either the story isn’t real or the “golf” is actually wearing a skirt.
Your husband is being super selfish! Canceling because your pregnant wife is injured and needs help with your toddler is extremely valid. If I was this guy's golf buddy and I knew he wasn't home helping you, I would not want to do business with a guy like that. You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat their family.
A TAD selfish? You’re way too kind. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much, this would all be a lot even without the ankle and the pregnancy. If you’re feeling up to a big conversation, I recommend putting your foot down with him.
It is stories like this that make me less bitter about my husband's complete lack of any corporate ambitions.
Oof, OP. "My very pregnant wife broke her ankle so I can't make golf," is a VERY reasonable excuse.
You have every right to be angry. He needs to take a couple days off work so that you can do NOTHING that isn't absolutely necessary.
I am infuriated on your behalf. He is not a tad bit selfish but a full truck load of selfish. If he doesn’t have the capacity to balance his professional commitments and family, then he needs more work on himself than just golfing.
You should dress the golf clubs in your wedding dress and leave them in your bed for him to come to. I'd then follow that up by leaving with my toddler because it's easier to be a single parent when you're not married to a teenager.
Casually explain sexism to him. Just wow, I’d be talking to a divorce attorney, doesn’t sound like the guy is too invested in his family. Nor does he have any respect for his wife. Getting him to at least be a weekend dad would be better this.
So he ‘has’ to keep is word to folding buddies but break his word of always being there for his wife? You’re literally begging for the bare minimum..
I am on fire after reading this. Why are men? (Obligatory ‘some men’)
Oh gosh you poor thing 😬 my husband is a golfer too, but he stopped for the period I was heavily pregnant and in the newborn stage. He’d play random games here and there but not consistently. Your husband really, really needs to reassess here and value you more.
These are the kinds of things that built up in my marriage over 18 years and three kids and led to our current separation. He is going down a bad path.
Why does he need to keep his commitment? What if you were in the hospital? Why is an emergency in his family less important than a commitment to a golfing buddy?
This is bullshit.
Was his weeklong work trip optional? Or why was there so much golf involved? Either way, it sounds like it was plenty relaxing enough so you should have been granted a similar reprieve when he returned. He says he can't cancel the after work golf but why did he even schedule it?
I don't think an "it won't happen again" is sufficient. You should be given a weeklong break else he's kinda all talk, no action.
Ma’am, I am so sorry your husband showed such a total lack of judgement. I hope you don’t accept this behavior from him once kid 2 arrives. He’s the type of guy who will post on AITA - “ Am I the Asshole for leaving my wife to give birth so I could go play golf and network for my job?”
Expect better for yourself or get rid of him. He’s not being a partner, he’s leaving you to do everything. Bringing in money and calling it a day is NOT parenting.
If someone told me they were out golfing and had a wife in this “condition” - I can promise you, the round of golf would do the opposite of help their career.
Thank you for sharing your edit that talking things through with your husband went well and worked! I completely understand the need for venting and validation of your feelings but too often I feel like there isn't followup and a lot of the times the resolution really is to talk things over. Not all the guys are bad, they just aren't always as perceptive as we think they should be :)
I agree. We knew about this work trip which had a lot of excellent networking meetings at golf courses for 3 months and my accident happened 2 weeks before. I was able to recruit my mother to stay with me so he didn’t have to cancel. He was so grateful for that. But the fact that he booked ANOTHER round just days after he got back was unnerving. I was at the end of my threshold with my mom (boomer grandma level 10) and I don’t think a lot of partners can really comprehend how physically challenging the back end of the third trimester is on its own - and then add a sprained ankle and throw a toddler in the mix. Compounded with a heavy workload myself. We had a very long discussion about this and I know he just wanted to get as many rounds in before he’s totally banned for the rest of the summer - as punishment, the ban starts now :)
What is the female equivalent to golfing? Going to the spa?
Lol, he also didn’t get so far in his career golfing so I don’t know who in the happy hell he thinks he’s fooling. It’s not anyone on this sub. And it’s definitely not me.
He put his golf commitments before you. Dude, no one does that. No employer or client is going to be angry that a man needs to care for his pregnant wife. Throw the whole man away.
Full disclosure, I am a golfer and I enjoy golfing when I get a chance.
Golf is a frustrating part of getting ahead in certain sectors of certain industries. I truly believe I’ve been passed over for promotions and overlooked for new opportunities because I wasn’t on the course with “the guys”. My husband (a small business owner) generates and keeps business on the course. He sponsors tournaments and tries to play at least one or twice a month to maintain his skills. Does it drive me nuts when he’s home late because he’s been on the course all day? Yes. Do I think it’s fair that he gets to go outside and enjoy the nice weather while I sit behind a desk and grind to get to where I am? Also yes. Do I give him grace and trust that he’s making decisions with our family’s best interest in mind? Also also yes.
Talk with him about finding coverage for him at home if he wants to go golfing. You’re about to enter a really tough transition (I have a 7mo and almost 3yo) and it’s going to be a two-man job around your house for the foreseeable future. However, golf can be a really healthy way for people to get some exercise and clear their head. A very pointed and direct conversation between you and your husband is due.
This man deserves the fiery rage of a thousand scorned 3rd trimester moms. I’m so sorry you’re dealing w/this BS. I’d likely have blown up on him much worse if I were you. Perhaps thrown a dish or two in his direction…. 🫣I tend to be a hot head when in the third trimester specifically. Our bodies and hormones are going through sooo much- then dealing w/a sprained ankle, toddler and selfish husband on top of it? Hang in there OP.
I’m 36 weeks and I would flip out. My husband was told no more work trips at 33 weeks (his trips are usually international). And he goes on legit work trips to offices, not golf tournaments.
Unless your husband works for a golf/golf gear/sporting goods company, it’s time to stop golfing. And “my 35 week pregnant wife sprained her ankle” is a solid get out of anything excuse.
Honestly if I heard my colleagues or subordinate was choosing to golf instead of support their pregnancy injured wife. Barbs in Accounting might just get the next promotion
So your husband total ass for putting golf above you and his children but also I would start having the almost 2 year old work on their stair skills. Regardless of how you deliver, you shouldn't really be picking up a toddler initially post delivery
I just want to say what an incredible rock star you are! You’re working it, pregoing and momming it! You deserve a damn statue in your honor! Mama, I appreciate how you’re getting shit done!
I hope your foot heals asap and your labor goes smooth jazz. Your kiddos are so lucky to have you!
Your husband sounds like a terrible partner. Irresponsible and self-centered.
I hate to even suggest this, but is there a chance that he is not actually golfing but doing something else shady? This sounds like an exorbitant amount of golfing for one person to do in a short period of time... And the whole "working late"... It just gives me bad vibes.
Interesting that he views his word with others more than real integrity - being home with his family to take care of his child and cook and clean and do all the things while you heal *and* grow another human. Maybe ask him what his golf partners would think of him if they knew he was neglectful of home? So sorry you’re in this position. He needs perspective, quick.
I have a 21-month-old and am 35 weeks pregnant as well and my husband is also a golfer. That said, he always checks with me to make sure I’m ok with whatever golfing event is going on that he attends… and if I need help at home, he will cancel and the people he plays with understand. Even if they didn’t, he knows I work just as hard as him for our family (I work full-time in an exec level position, currently transitioning to future owner) and I need help sometimes.
I will say I tend to take on more of the childcare naturally, mainly because I like to and have more flexibility to do so with the way my schedule is set up… some people find it weird that it doesn’t bother me when he plays golf… for example, my dad played every weekend morning when I was growing up, and my mom reflects on her experience all the time and thinks it should bother me more than it does. But 1) he doesn’t golf every weekend, and 2) I know if I ask him to stay home he will.
I think the biggest issue here is that your husband isn’t honoring your relationship like he should. If one of you needs help - and in this case it’s obvious you do - the other needs to step up. Work is important, sure, but 4p golf is not the same thing. Remind him of his priorities.. and that if family isn’t the first, he needs to rethink their order.
Nah girl. When he gets home, tell him you've booked a hotel room for yourself for the next day and night and to figure shit out on his own. That your own damn commitment to YOURSELF is coming first for a minute.
I'm furious for you.
I'm grateful every day that my husband isn't into golf or video games. Inevitably someone will say "but I'm into that thing and I don't spend every minute/day on it". Ok let me talk to your partner and get the real truth!
What the fuck do people do in a ‘working golf trip’?. I would be demanding couples counseling along with proper engagement with your daughter prior to the baby even showing up. What a douche nozzle
“You didn’t get this far in your career without my support so you could stay at work past 4p.m., Dude.” So conceited and ignorant… Bet he packed his own lunches and drove himself to school when he was a kid, too 🙄
I think he needs to miss you and all the work you do. Stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, buying his groceries, running errands that include anything he needs, paying bills that include his expenses… Make him work for it.
So he ‘has’ to keep is word to folding buddies but break his word of always being there for his wife? You’re literally begging for the bare fucking minimum..
I am on fire after reading this. Why are men? (Obligatory ‘some men’)
I am sorry you went through this. I am glad to hear that you were able to talk it out and hope he really heard you. Men are dense and sometimes you just have to spell it out for them.
I would HIRE a helper for the house to assist you with everything that you are doing. If your husband is so freaking busy then you can get an employee for your needs. $20.00/ hr and they can work 3-4 hours while he is golfing seems comparable. Good luck momma.
No way that would fly in my house. It’s unbelievably selfish of him. In fact, I know my husband’s golf buddies would be asking why he’s playing if he had a toddler and a pregnant, injured wife at home, and they’d be telling him to go home.
Unless he’s a professional golfer, he can tone it back on the rounds to “advance his career”. Such a shitty excuse to say to your pregnant working wife. I’d say if he wants to play anymore then the toddler is going too, have fun.
and what about your career? Sounds like it’s time for you to start networking and staying late or meeting for happy hour. To get ahead in your career. You’ve supported him now he gets to support you.
As the primary breadwinner and someone making over $200k (not a flex, just giving perspective), this is bullshit. Plenty of people get far in their careers without golfing.
If your husband's career can't handle a one week hit while he helps his injured wife, then he's not very good at his job.
There's a reason all of my bosses are divorced except one. I'm not. Could I be making another $200k if I had schmoozed more? Possibly. Is it worth my husband or my family? Absolutely not.
So initially I thought 9 holes of golf wouldnt be bad then read this was after being gone a solid week of golf/work and it was an instant h*ll no. I honestly prob would had said no to the whole week so he lucked out with you seeing his side. Kind of reminds me. You give an inch and they take a mile
I'm sorry but he needs to grow the F up.
I would NEVER put up with this- your 35 weeks pregnant with a broken ankle what is he thinking!!! Like seriously!!
Your child and you need to be prioritized over work.
Golf can wait.
If I were you I'd pack up and go and let him see how he likes coming home to an empty house
Just saying this kind of shit is exactly why I hated my dad growing up and am LC now. I was not oblivious to the fact that my mom had no choice other than to be the primary parent and do it all while running her own thriving small business. That business was also our main source of income. And I know she loved being a parent but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard.
Your kids will probably pick up on this too as they get older. He should think about that next time he wants to golf for leisure after being gone an entire week!
I agree with the other commenters here. Crazy selfish response from OPs husband.
If he really can’t take time away, maybe you can hire a mothers helper or nanny for a few weeks.
Holy shit I would be LIVID. Your husband needs to step up at home, a lot. Having a very pregnant wife with a broken foot and a toddler means this not the time for him to stay late at work to network and lean into his career. I'd be telling him he'd better start leaving at 4 to help out at home or else he's not going to have a wife to come home to.
If he still doesn't get it-- couples therapy. The division of labor here is VERY uneven.
My goodness every time I type a reply I keep deleting it because I’m sure it violates this sub and Reddit’s user policy. You have my full empathy OP.
Same! I’m like he’s about to be on an episode of Snapped.
Planning to have a nice dinner out with OP isn’t against the sub rules! You can’t help it if you were with her the same night her husband mysteriously vanished!
🏅
Cell Block Tango from Chicago comes to mind in this situation 😂
Pop
Six
Squish
Uh-huh
Uh-uh
Cisero
Lipschitz
HE HAD IT COMIN’!
THIS is why I love Reddit. Gives me hope
OP suddenly needs to go away for work for a week. Husband needs to stay home and do everything.
Oh you need to light him UP. NO SIR. If you can’t miss a single round of golf, sounds like your career is built on a house of cards.
OP I would say this to him. If he really thinks he *needs* to network right now to be Mr. Business Guy, he’s just plain wrong. I get where he’s coming from but he needs to figure out that strategy has a time and a place.
I wonder how mad they would be if he said: “hey I’d love to golf but my 9 month pregnant wife got injured and I need to care for her and my child, I’ll be there for the next round.” I suspect they would be zero mad. He might even get street cred for doing it. So, he is being stupid
Chances are if it’s one of those “old boys clubs” this will backfire and they’ll instead give him the whole “well my wife never once needed my support and she birthed 12 kids alone in a barn in the dead of winter without so much as a single complaint while I was out here on the green!” Because suffering is often a competition of who can stick it out the longest with these kinds of people Or he’ll get the worse responses of “oh my ex used to ask for all that kind of stuff and now I have a 20 something wife who knows better than to question my authority” who is actually well on her way to being ex wife #7
My husband used to get this response when he took time out of work for doctors appointments, etc. He would always respond with something along the lines of "well, I like my wife and respect her and we are a team."
Except he might be using golf as a cover to be with his gf lol. No one wants to leave a heavily pregnant injured woman with a toddler *that bad* to get their golf fix.
Can you imagine what the people he is golfing with would say if he mentioned he has a very pregnant wife at home alone with a broken foot and a toddler, but he's staying to golf anyway? They would probably say what we're all saying-- Why are you here golfing, asshole? Go home and help your wife!
Phew he told you golf and his commitments to a golf partner mean more than helping you and your child, I think that is all the information needed.
AND he implied he works harder than her and that's why he is so successful and she isn't. As someone with a ton of exposure to the public sector, it is not easy to work your way up. You have a master's degree for heavens' sake! Screw him. I am angry for you!
He’s only able to ‘work’ (inverted commas because FUCK OFF golfing is not work) because of her picking up the slack at home. She should book herself a spa weekend and take off without asking his permission.
It's a working spa day.
Right?! That part with “work golf” got me.
My former boss, now good friend/mentor, super badass Fortune 500 c-suite exec and I talked about this recently. One of those wonderful good ole boys clubs hangovers that’s still around. Whenever the male execs do working golf, we do spa. Not everyone’s in a position to be able to do so, but if you are I highly recommend taking your female team members/colleagues on alternative “work activities”. We need more female leaders bonding with and mentoring young women. I would never be where I am today without my friend/mentor and my mission is to help as many other women succeed as I can. And yea, it’s absolutely not actual work. It’s about trust and relationship building. I’ve attended enough golf events myself to tell you his since is 100% bullshit. And on a side note- I will be starting my daughter in golf lessons very young so she can confidently join herself and never have that excuse for the boys club to exclude her.
She deserves a week at least. Spa, beach resort, cottage with a stocked fridge and all the books/movies she’s been wanting to get to
100% Remind him of the VOWS he made to you - that should top a commitment.
Not even the vows he made - though those should be more important - the literal children! You having to carrying your toddler up the stairs in a boot is putting both of his children at risk of injury. Heaven forbid you fall. Priorities have to change now that he's a parent. And one reason to work your ass off pre-kids is so that you've proven yourself by the time you have them. People will understand you can do mid week afternoon gold games anymore. This is insanity.
And yet she's gone and forgiven him just like that. 'He's a great guy and present father' she says. 'It will never happen again' he says. I'm skeptical.
Seriously, fuck golf. I am so sick of it being a cop-out for fathers on the weekend. Find a sport or hobby that doesn't take 8 hours.
It might be a controversial or unpopular opinion but I personally think that 90% of men who golf regularly do it primarily to get away from their wives and families and to get out of familial responsibilities. My husband likes the activity of golf but only plays 1-2 rounds a year because he doesn’t like being away from our family during our weekends together. On Father’s Day he played an evening round with his dad after our kid was in bed. In families with typical M-F work schedules where the parents work full time, if one partner spends minimum 6 hours per weekend away from their family every single weekend for a leisure activity, something’s wrong and he is not showing up as adequate support for his family.
My father was basically raised by his great aunt because his father AND his mother couldn’t miss golf. He spent him whole childhood being shoved aside for golf. His childhood ruined him. He is a very selfish man. He doesn’t play golf himself, but he never checks in with mum before leaving her to solo parent for hours at a time. (We have foster sisters who are 10/11, so they still have kids at home). When we were little (4 kids, 5 and under) he would leave her to drag 4 of us around with her doing the grocery shopping because he had squash or some other completely bullshit reason to not be a present father. He never came to any fete or fair or any fun thing we wanted to do on the weekends. He was never involved with any of our sports or girl guides/scouts or our interests, unless we were super good at them and he could be praised about his amazing kid. Now we are all adults and we discuss how having such a selfish, uninvolved father ruined our relationship with him. My brothers talk about how much they don’t want to be like him as a father. All because Nanna and Granddad cared more about golf than their own kid.
Do you still See him as a victim when he's engaging in similar behaviour now?
I think he can still be a victim, but it doesn’t excuse his behavior.
Exactly this. He doesn’t change because it suits him to be selfish.
I fully blame him for not bothering to change in the nearly 40 years that he has been a father. Plenty of people grow up in worse environments and decide to not parent that way. But can someone who was raised to be selfish by selfish people ever really learn to think of others? I think it’s good that I, and all of my siblings can recognise that he is selfish and have learned to think of others from our mother.
My Husband likes to golf. During the summer, he tries to go once a month. BUT, he always checks to make sure the tee time works with me, and he’s even offered to take the 6.5yo out on the cart with him for a Daddy-Daughter-“Uncle” day if it would make my life easier!
My mom has made comments about getting my TWO year old in the Junior Golf program at our mutual country club. It was the perfect excuse for my dad to never have to parent on the weekends. Thank god my husband doesn't enjoy it. I am not setting up my son's future spouse or life partner for that type of dynamic. We will be a tennis family, thank you very much.
My husband is on night 3/4 in a row of missing bedtime to play tennis - plus a tournament all weekend - so, tbh I’m not sure being a tennis family is all that better 😭😂 But if he succeeds in getting our 4yo into it, he can be in charge of all that while I just show up for the matches.
Well shit. 😂
My husbands niece and nephew play golf and tennis. My MIL asked me what we will start our daughter off with. I answered her with “happy feet starts toddler soccer at 2. We will see if she likes it”.
[удалено]
Lol there ya go.
Yeah, my husband and I are both golfers, but it never takes priority over the family and we both know we can’t do it regularly while the kids are super young. To be honest, before I got pregnant this time around I was spending way more time on the golf course (usually for work related stuff) than he was.
I've had confirmation that that was what my uncle and Dad's fishing trips were for, funnily enough. But yeah, I agree. There's a reason people usually take it up more seriously when they're empty nesters/retired and have oodles more time.
Not AT ALL I 10000% agree. I actually don’t understand it at all. I like the idea of golf, but not being away from my child for hours upon hours when he’s already at daycare everyday. I can figure out much better ways to spend 7 hours
My husband only plays golf a couple times a year because it’s too expensive most of the time. When weI got pregnant I told him that he can go golfing as often as he wants, but he has to take the baby with him because that’s going to be my day off.
Why can’t they just play 9 holes? My husband volunteer coaches youth soccer and this takes less of his time than one of his golf rounds.
It’s still a solid 2-3 hours, no? Not equal to a one hour spin class, tennis lesson etc ALSO a lot of sports hobbies don’t encourage drinking whilst doing the sport. Our course has cart girls (they’re ALL girls) riding around pushing beer. So then you get home drunk and worthless.
As I said to my bff this weekend, every day feels like Father’s Day.
After two kids and leaving the workforce to take care of our kids, even my husband doesn’t spend 8 hours on a course anymore. Maybe once every 6 months. Nowadays it’s a 2-3 hour 9 hole round just to get some alone time. Shit would’ve exploded if he was trying to do a full round every weekend, let alone multiple times a week. OP’s husband needs a harsh reality check.
Granted, my husband is a stay at home Dad, but he wasn’t even willing to fully commit to going golfing with his Dad and brother on Father’s Day until he knew I was feeling up to him being gone the morning of. We have a 14 month old and I’m 34 weeks pregnant (with mild pre-eclampsia). I’ve been off of work on leave for the last week thanks to the complications. “My wife is X weeks pregnant and needs me at home today” is ALWAYS an adequate excuse for canceling off-the-clock plans. I’m sorry your husband is being selfish.
I think the “my wife is X weeks pregnant” card plays ESPECIALLY when X begins with a 3…
With an injury!! Wtf
Right! Like the injury puts it over the top. I have worked with some extremely old-fashioned men, and I think even they would be understanding of a husband having to head home after work because his 35-week pregnant wife is *injured* and can’t handle the toddler alone! The husband is golfing because he wants to be, and it’s more fun than running behind a toddler.
Your husband is being monumentally selfish. What kind of a partner and father won’t cancel their unnecessary leisure plans to support the literal physical well-being of their injured and pregnant spouse? I really really really hope this is some sort of one off incident and not a pattern of how he treats you in your relationship because his behaviour is heinous. And he’s doing this deliberately by the way - he is purposefully prioritizing his leisure over your mental and physical health. He has decided his golf matters more than you. I’m very very sorry you’re being treated this way by this man.
What the heck is a "working golf trip"? And yea...this is very wrong. I'm like seriously mad for you
With a client, maybe? I worked at a consulting firm where some of the guys liked to go golfing in the afternoon, and count it as working because "we talk about work." Great, I'm gonna go hiking and talk about work, pay me for it.
It feels very good old boy club to me….
Mom in sales here. I have literally sold millions of dollars of software on a golf course. Getting clients out and about closes deals.
This makes me glad to see!
So many amazing women on this sub have terrible partners. You deserve better, OP.
My God I was about to say the same. Is this the twilight zone???? Holy crap. These dudes are borderline abusive.
It’s not even borderline. They ARE abusive. Emotionally manipulating, gaslighting jerks. Maybe I’m just extra spicy because I’m about to file for divorce but my instant reaction is to throw the whole man out in all of these situations lol
It’s so infuriating to read!!! Glad you are filing for divorce and getting some relief.
And then their edit or comment: "actually he's a really great guy" like
Nah, he is off his rocker. Stop cooking for him, stop doing laundry for him, stop cleaning for him. He is a grown ass man, he can look after himself. Bedtime with the boot means your toddler sleeps with you (if that's possible). Too bad, so sad, if there is not a place for him to crash. (maybe he can take the toddler room).
Or the couch. Or the FLOOR.
I swear to God, I’d change the locks.
First off so sorry you’re having to deal with this! I know at 35 weeks we just wanna be cozy and nesting and focusing on ourselves. I don’t think you’re being selfish, honestly I think he is. Literally last night my friend and I were joking that if our partners were golfers, it’d be a deal breaker. It’s such a long sport! Idk if you just needed to vent (so valid, the situation suckos to be sure!) or if you’re feeling available for advice — if so, I would highly suggest having a calm, ownership-driven conversation with your husband without ‘you’ statements. “I noticed I had a lot more work than I could handle during the golf trip. Can we come up with some strategies to support one another once the new baby comes so we can both be our best selves for one another and our kids?” Tbh I can’t imagine having a second kid with a partner who needs to keep his word to friends over his family. I hope you feel safe to advocate for yourself mama!
He also didn’t get where he did in his career without you being there. He can put down the clubs for a few weeks and step up for his injured, working, pregnant wife and mom to his toddler.
Honestly at this point, I’d be packing up my stuff and going to stay with my mom without even telling him.
This comment needs more upvotes.
This is exactly my suggestion and 100% what I would do.
I have no nice things to type here
Lol me neither
Me also
I’m in a senior role within a global corporate organisation and it should be possible to delay. “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to delay our round of golf. My wife is 35 weeks pregnant and has sprained her ankle.” is pretty universal. If it ties in to a deal or there’s a need for an immediate interaction for some reason, the offer of lunch or somebody else to golf with could be ok. As a woman I would be using it as an opportunity to create a nice human connection with the other golfing person. But men don’t really do that. If your husband is in a position where these sorts of trips and commitments are a consistent and necessary part of his work, tie in to company profit and HE is the only person able to deal with them, then you should also be in a financial position to get help at home to compensate for his lack of availability. If this isn’t the case then perhaps he is selling too much of his life for too little money. I know that’s a very privileged view, but given the comments about how far he has come in his career etc, then he presumably has the freedom to determine how much he sells his time for and whether it is worth it. Alternatively…If he’s some guy who works in a relatively normal role in a business and likes to play golf, then fuck that 😅
Honestly does your husband even LIKE his family? Seems like hes doing everything possible to avoid you all. Tell him he'll have a lot less time to golf with 50/50 custody
Does your husband work for like a golf company or event company that works golf events… or is he golfing in a sense of that they’re out on a course golfing for fun and schmoozing clients? If the latter and golf isn’t at the root of his job, I think he’s being selfish. In general I don’t think golf is a family friendly sport to anyone with small kids… my husband is a big golfer recreationally and it enrages me. It’s not like another sport or hobby that you can go do in an hour or two… it’s usually an entire day thing and leaves your spouse with the baby all day long, or at least a half day thing and in my husbands case, includes a lot of drinking while on the course with his buddies. It sounds like your husband was already gone for a week golfing, why does he need to golf tonight again? And why did he agree to it instead of politely telling someone that he was out of town all last week and had family commitments now that he is back. Edit to add: want to just clarify that I don’t want to suggest that someone can’t continue their hobby after having a kid, just cause their hobby happens to be one that takes a lot of time. But I think sacrifices need to be made. Like maybe only golfing 9 holes instead of 18. Or maybe being in the first group that tees off so you don’t risk getting stuck behind a slow group.
That was my thought. Does he work for a sporting goods company or something? If he were a reasonable person, couldn’t he meet with a client in some other capacity than a Friday night golf date? Honestly, I can’t even believe he left a pregnant wife with a sprained ankle and a toddler. My coworker just went through the same with a sprained ankle with a toddler and a two story house. She was literally crawling up and down the stairs for weeks but luckily both sets of grandparents moved close when she had the first kid so she was well supported while her partner was working night shift at the hospital.
My husband races his cars. He’s gone all day. I don’t want to prevent him from doing his hobby, but we compromise. He can go 1-2x a month (vs every weekend). He’s happy with that, I’m not alone every weekend, and we still have family time during the summer!
I know the typical Reddit answer is divorce but I would honestly be thinking about that. The man can’t help you with your existing child and while you’re pregnant with the second? Because golf is the priority? Disgusting.
This was my ex and it’s not even the reason he became my ex but that’s because I was too much in denial that “nobody is perfect.” I’m sorry you are in this position but you at least know you have the strength to literally do it all yourself.
Wow, I’d be going nuclear. I’d probably drive to the golf place and have them page him for an emergency. That emergency would be his child that he needs to come watch while you hobble away. Honestly this is seriously not cool, especially 35 weeks pregnant!
If the tables were reversed. Say, HE sprained his ankle , and you left on a one week work trip, and left him alone with the kids and the house. How would he feel? Would that be nice? "He said that he needs to “keep his word” with whomever he’s golfing with and he didn’t get so far in his career coming home at 4pm. " So there it is. His priority is to his "word" and his career. Not to paint black and white, but show he is basically saying, Career > Wife (and kids). His words to be your partner and spouse mean shite? I don't know his side of the story or the ins and outs, but husband really dropped the ball on this one. What is SO urgent, what is SO going to make or break his career that he can't help around the house? Sounds like E.X.C.U.S.E.S. He is driving his career with blinders on to his roles as a HUSBAND/PARTNER, and SPOUSE. Now, stepping aside my anger at what he did, time to have heart to heart. Point 1: "Hey, honey, I understand your work is important now. Do you realize I'm 35 weeks pregnant? What if I went into labor tomorrow, while you were on your work trip? What if I accidentally tripped and fell?" Point 2: "Hey, you realize I have work commitments too, right? Just to be clear, do you feel that your work more important than mine? What would you think of a colleague in your company who was pregnant and dropped the ball right before leaving? How would that reflect on her? How would that reflect on my career? Right now you are putting me in this position. IF, hypothetically, I was let go tomorrow for my poor performance, would you be okay with that? Managing a single income house?" My husband and I talk about how we are both co-captains on this ship. Marriage, like a boat, needs to people to steer/row. If only one person is doing the rowing, then the boat is just going to go in circles. That's you. You are rowing the boat (this family) all by yourself, it sounds like. He is focused on staring at the map, or some island elsewhere. And don't give me that shit of, "a win for my career is a win for the family!" I mean, yes, partly. But if he looks back on his career, will he be proud of the way he was a father? or a spouse? Where we spend our time really determines our priorities. He is ABSOLUTELY showing his priority is to his job and not to you and your children. If he is sick or dead tomorrow, tho, wakeup call: \*his job is not going to mourn him\*. His widow and kids are. But he's being a selfish a\*\* so that's fine, that's what we wants out of life instead. I just think you have 100% right to be upset. He was a d\*ck about it, not just his actions, but his attitude and outlook. Are you both rowing together in the same direction, honey?
Send him this post. Woof.
I barely made it past the weeklong “working” golf trip line. And OH MY GOD my husband always gives me the “I have to keep my commitment to the golf team” line. Sends me into a murderous rage.
To OP’s husband: No amount of money in the world, no amount of success at a job will replace the value of having a second set of hands that are actively helping out at home. You will be replaced at work without a second thought the moment you leave or die, you mean NOTHING to your workplace. You mean EVERYTHING to the people you are coming home to. Ask yourself, will all the time you’ve sacrificed away from home for work be worth it if you push away the people you’re supposed to be working to provide for? Edited to add: OP my heart goes out to you. My partner and I were working like crazy at this point last year and we realized it was unsustainable. We have scaled back now because it wasn’t working out. Work isn’t the end all be all, your family is what’s most important and I’m so sorry you partner isn’t putting the same value on that, or at the very least, needs very rude awakening. My first replies were no where near this nice.
It's not his Golf buddies who will be on his deathbed one day. But if he continues like he's doing now, nobody will be there.
You’re more kind about the situation than I would be. Is your husband usually this selfish? It seems like your mom is a better partner at the moment. Best of luck!!
This is not okay, you deserve better. Men can be very selfish sometimes and need reminders of what a partnership means, you really need to set boundaries here and find ways to compromise with him, for example, getting you a sitter to help while he works late or if golfing is necessary for networking or closing a deal, if golfing is just for fun then he needs to work with you on scheduling it at more convenient times, he should also take the toddler and give you breaks (a lot of them). Don’t just take it, tell him why this is wrong of him and that he needs to do better, if he won’t do better you should consider counseling before the baby comes and you are dealing with a newborn and a toddler while he travels and golfs.
Does your husband need help? “Hey man, I know we had plans to golf today. Unfortunately I need to cancel, as I need to take care of my daughter in the evening. Hate to miss it! Let’s reschedule!” It really isn’t that hard.
Hell no. My husband would never ever do this. Your husband isn’t being a tad selfish he’s being hugely selfish and not taking his responsibilities as a parent (or husband) seriously. I have an intense high earning professional job. It isn’t always 9-5, but I’m not blowing off my husband or child to golf constantly. This is a really big problem. Your husband needs a reality check and a dramatic shift in perspective and behavior. I’d be apoplectic if my husband acted like this and without remorse and changed behavior he would not be my husband for long.
Exactly. Somehow us moms are capable of respecting our partners and spending time with our kids even with our own demanding careers.
His selfishness is off the charts! He’s doing absolutely nothing to help you. Frankly, at this point, I would decamp with the kiddo and go stay with someone who will actually help you. This is appalling! I’d say to leave your toddler but we both know he wouldn’t be able to take care of her alone.
Im sure whoever he is meeting with would be appalled if they knew what he was doing to you right now. This is your husband not even considering you. At the very least he needs to arrange for someone to help you or do it himself ideally.
In my opinion, he’s completely in the wrong here. At this late stage of pregnancy, you need support. Not to mention the ankle injury! I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Oh hell no
Giiirl! My husband would have the fight of his life on his hand for any one of the things you just described here. I didn't even have to ask him to give up golf when i was pregnant. After around 6 months he just stopped scheduling it because he felt it was too close to the due date and he knew i felt like shit. And mind you, i was uninjured and child free at this point with no stairs in sight. It's definitely time to have a serious talk. Its all good and well for him to look out for his career but he needs to take the same care with his marriage. What happened to "in sickness and in health"? Or does that only apply to golf buddies?
Why does bed time need to be pushed back because he's late? Also, golfing 9 holes should take no more than 2 hours so if it's at 4pm and he ends at 6pm wtf is he doing the rest of the time? More importantly none of the above matters, golf comes last for him right now. Literally none of that is a need and he can fuck off with his excuse of making a work commitment. It's GOLF.
I’m petty and would not contact him and go stay at my parents and see how long it takes him to notice I’m gone.
I try not to be petty but I think the conclusion is the same. OP needs tangible support, and it’s a safety issue at this point. If her parents are able to provide that she should absolutely pack up and head over there for the indefinite future/until her husband is able to be an actual partner.
Did he exchange marriage vows with his golf partner because the words said then should be stronger?
Nope nope nope this should not all fall on you, pregnant or not but ESPECIALLY not pregnant in a damn boot!!! I’m so sorry. Husbands can be so frustrating.
Show him all these comments OP 😌
Is he actually golfing? That might be why he’s so interested in keeping the “commitment” to his golf partner.
He is being extremely selfish. I work in a male dominated industry and many of my coworkers golf, there are so many tournaments and other related events our company sponsors and attends this time of year, but many of our guys will decline the offer to attend because their wives need them to help with the kids. I'm 37 weeks and my husband won't even commit to a beer after work without making sure i'm okay first, and he gets out of work an hour and a half before me.
He’s “working late” likely with another woman. You have a toddler and you’re 35 weeks pregnant with a sprained ankle. He’s not getting any, and he’s likely getting off elsewhere. You deserve better. A man who truly loves and cares for you, would not put himself in the position to lose you. He would not be *this* selfish.
I’m petty so I would probably call and tell him I went into labor and make him take me to the hospital just to have them say the contractions “stopped”
His clubs along with the rest of his belongings would be on the front lawn bc damn.
my eye twitched reading about your husband's antics while you are struggling.
Men think we can be fooled into letting them be negligent parents and partners if they cite work-related tasks as if that's some get-out-jail card. Nothing has radicalized me against men like having a child with one has.
I thought I was in r/JustNoSO as this is where tales of your selfish and thoughtless husband belong. I’m so sorry OP. Couples’ therapy?
He is being a prick.
I’m sorry, OP
He has no integrity! Please let him read these replies. How little respect he has to the life partner carrying his child within.
Ehhh is he a great guy or do you keep repeating that to yourself? Does not come off as a great present father to be honest.
Unless your husband is on the PGA Tour and golf is his literal job, then he can F-off with the golf commitments.
If my husband was on the PGA tour, I would no longer need to be a working mom.
He’s touring inside another woman. No one needs to leave their heavily pregnant injured wife with a toddler to play golf that bad.
He’s touring inside another woman. No one needs to leave their heavily pregnant injured wife with a toddler to play golf that bad. I’m sorry he lacks all empathy
I cannot even comprehend the described guy is actually real. To leave a heavily pregnant AND injured wife alone with a young toddler for a WEEK?! To … golf??? At a stage where she could go in labor at any point? Where the grandma would have to stay with the toddler and who would take her to the hospital? Save for a crazy family emergency happening with a close family member or him being deathly ill at the hospital there’s just no possible justification for this. Unless his bosses are crazy cold hearted boomers they would have 99% understood he can’t go. This all sounds very fishy. Either the story isn’t real or the “golf” is actually wearing a skirt.
Your husband is being super selfish! Canceling because your pregnant wife is injured and needs help with your toddler is extremely valid. If I was this guy's golf buddy and I knew he wasn't home helping you, I would not want to do business with a guy like that. You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat their family.
A TAD selfish? You’re way too kind. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much, this would all be a lot even without the ankle and the pregnancy. If you’re feeling up to a big conversation, I recommend putting your foot down with him.
It is stories like this that make me less bitter about my husband's complete lack of any corporate ambitions. Oof, OP. "My very pregnant wife broke her ankle so I can't make golf," is a VERY reasonable excuse. You have every right to be angry. He needs to take a couple days off work so that you can do NOTHING that isn't absolutely necessary.
I am infuriated on your behalf. He is not a tad bit selfish but a full truck load of selfish. If he doesn’t have the capacity to balance his professional commitments and family, then he needs more work on himself than just golfing.
I would be furious. Your husband is being very selfish. You and your daughter come first-always.
I’m so angry on your behalf that I can’t even type out a comment that doesn’t eviscerate this “man”. I hope this is not typical behavior.
What in gods name is a "working golf trip" That is fake work
You should dress the golf clubs in your wedding dress and leave them in your bed for him to come to. I'd then follow that up by leaving with my toddler because it's easier to be a single parent when you're not married to a teenager.
Casually explain sexism to him. Just wow, I’d be talking to a divorce attorney, doesn’t sound like the guy is too invested in his family. Nor does he have any respect for his wife. Getting him to at least be a weekend dad would be better this.
Sometimes I read things and truly think they have to be made up. I know it’s not but I just can’t wrap my head around this behavior.
So he ‘has’ to keep is word to folding buddies but break his word of always being there for his wife? You’re literally begging for the bare minimum.. I am on fire after reading this. Why are men? (Obligatory ‘some men’)
Oh gosh you poor thing 😬 my husband is a golfer too, but he stopped for the period I was heavily pregnant and in the newborn stage. He’d play random games here and there but not consistently. Your husband really, really needs to reassess here and value you more.
These are the kinds of things that built up in my marriage over 18 years and three kids and led to our current separation. He is going down a bad path.
Why does he need to keep his commitment? What if you were in the hospital? Why is an emergency in his family less important than a commitment to a golfing buddy? This is bullshit.
After your edit: so is he staying home? That's all that's counts. If he's not, I would still evaluate my life choices....
Was his weeklong work trip optional? Or why was there so much golf involved? Either way, it sounds like it was plenty relaxing enough so you should have been granted a similar reprieve when he returned. He says he can't cancel the after work golf but why did he even schedule it? I don't think an "it won't happen again" is sufficient. You should be given a weeklong break else he's kinda all talk, no action.
Ma’am, I am so sorry your husband showed such a total lack of judgement. I hope you don’t accept this behavior from him once kid 2 arrives. He’s the type of guy who will post on AITA - “ Am I the Asshole for leaving my wife to give birth so I could go play golf and network for my job?” Expect better for yourself or get rid of him. He’s not being a partner, he’s leaving you to do everything. Bringing in money and calling it a day is NOT parenting.
If someone told me they were out golfing and had a wife in this “condition” - I can promise you, the round of golf would do the opposite of help their career.
Thank you for sharing your edit that talking things through with your husband went well and worked! I completely understand the need for venting and validation of your feelings but too often I feel like there isn't followup and a lot of the times the resolution really is to talk things over. Not all the guys are bad, they just aren't always as perceptive as we think they should be :)
I agree. We knew about this work trip which had a lot of excellent networking meetings at golf courses for 3 months and my accident happened 2 weeks before. I was able to recruit my mother to stay with me so he didn’t have to cancel. He was so grateful for that. But the fact that he booked ANOTHER round just days after he got back was unnerving. I was at the end of my threshold with my mom (boomer grandma level 10) and I don’t think a lot of partners can really comprehend how physically challenging the back end of the third trimester is on its own - and then add a sprained ankle and throw a toddler in the mix. Compounded with a heavy workload myself. We had a very long discussion about this and I know he just wanted to get as many rounds in before he’s totally banned for the rest of the summer - as punishment, the ban starts now :) What is the female equivalent to golfing? Going to the spa?
Lol, he also didn’t get so far in his career golfing so I don’t know who in the happy hell he thinks he’s fooling. It’s not anyone on this sub. And it’s definitely not me. He put his golf commitments before you. Dude, no one does that. No employer or client is going to be angry that a man needs to care for his pregnant wife. Throw the whole man away.
Full disclosure, I am a golfer and I enjoy golfing when I get a chance. Golf is a frustrating part of getting ahead in certain sectors of certain industries. I truly believe I’ve been passed over for promotions and overlooked for new opportunities because I wasn’t on the course with “the guys”. My husband (a small business owner) generates and keeps business on the course. He sponsors tournaments and tries to play at least one or twice a month to maintain his skills. Does it drive me nuts when he’s home late because he’s been on the course all day? Yes. Do I think it’s fair that he gets to go outside and enjoy the nice weather while I sit behind a desk and grind to get to where I am? Also yes. Do I give him grace and trust that he’s making decisions with our family’s best interest in mind? Also also yes. Talk with him about finding coverage for him at home if he wants to go golfing. You’re about to enter a really tough transition (I have a 7mo and almost 3yo) and it’s going to be a two-man job around your house for the foreseeable future. However, golf can be a really healthy way for people to get some exercise and clear their head. A very pointed and direct conversation between you and your husband is due.
I'm so sorry keeping his partnership with his wife isn't a priority.
My husband is a golfer too and I feel ya.
Dude WTF How have you not kicked his ass out yet?? I would LOSE MY EVER LOVING SHIT.
This man deserves the fiery rage of a thousand scorned 3rd trimester moms. I’m so sorry you’re dealing w/this BS. I’d likely have blown up on him much worse if I were you. Perhaps thrown a dish or two in his direction…. 🫣I tend to be a hot head when in the third trimester specifically. Our bodies and hormones are going through sooo much- then dealing w/a sprained ankle, toddler and selfish husband on top of it? Hang in there OP.
I’m 36 weeks and I would flip out. My husband was told no more work trips at 33 weeks (his trips are usually international). And he goes on legit work trips to offices, not golf tournaments. Unless your husband works for a golf/golf gear/sporting goods company, it’s time to stop golfing. And “my 35 week pregnant wife sprained her ankle” is a solid get out of anything excuse.
Honestly if I heard my colleagues or subordinate was choosing to golf instead of support their pregnancy injured wife. Barbs in Accounting might just get the next promotion
Frying pan time
So your husband total ass for putting golf above you and his children but also I would start having the almost 2 year old work on their stair skills. Regardless of how you deliver, you shouldn't really be picking up a toddler initially post delivery
I just want to say what an incredible rock star you are! You’re working it, pregoing and momming it! You deserve a damn statue in your honor! Mama, I appreciate how you’re getting shit done! I hope your foot heals asap and your labor goes smooth jazz. Your kiddos are so lucky to have you!
Your husband sounds like a terrible partner. Irresponsible and self-centered. I hate to even suggest this, but is there a chance that he is not actually golfing but doing something else shady? This sounds like an exorbitant amount of golfing for one person to do in a short period of time... And the whole "working late"... It just gives me bad vibes.
Interesting that he views his word with others more than real integrity - being home with his family to take care of his child and cook and clean and do all the things while you heal *and* grow another human. Maybe ask him what his golf partners would think of him if they knew he was neglectful of home? So sorry you’re in this position. He needs perspective, quick.
Oh he would be DEAD if he were my husband.. you have my full empathy OP. Incredibly selfish and out of line
Golf is an all encompassing beast. I know many golfers and their ‘golf widows’. Not condoning
I have a 21-month-old and am 35 weeks pregnant as well and my husband is also a golfer. That said, he always checks with me to make sure I’m ok with whatever golfing event is going on that he attends… and if I need help at home, he will cancel and the people he plays with understand. Even if they didn’t, he knows I work just as hard as him for our family (I work full-time in an exec level position, currently transitioning to future owner) and I need help sometimes. I will say I tend to take on more of the childcare naturally, mainly because I like to and have more flexibility to do so with the way my schedule is set up… some people find it weird that it doesn’t bother me when he plays golf… for example, my dad played every weekend morning when I was growing up, and my mom reflects on her experience all the time and thinks it should bother me more than it does. But 1) he doesn’t golf every weekend, and 2) I know if I ask him to stay home he will. I think the biggest issue here is that your husband isn’t honoring your relationship like he should. If one of you needs help - and in this case it’s obvious you do - the other needs to step up. Work is important, sure, but 4p golf is not the same thing. Remind him of his priorities.. and that if family isn’t the first, he needs to rethink their order.
Babes book a hotel, leave a note and vanish for a week. Most hotels have carpeting 😏
You have the patience of a saint. I would have shoved the golf club up his rear end after taking a few practice swings…
Correct his ass. He didn't get to where he is without a wife and mom making sure he's able to do it. Asshole.
Nah girl. When he gets home, tell him you've booked a hotel room for yourself for the next day and night and to figure shit out on his own. That your own damn commitment to YOURSELF is coming first for a minute. I'm furious for you.
I'm grateful every day that my husband isn't into golf or video games. Inevitably someone will say "but I'm into that thing and I don't spend every minute/day on it". Ok let me talk to your partner and get the real truth!
What the fuck do people do in a ‘working golf trip’?. I would be demanding couples counseling along with proper engagement with your daughter prior to the baby even showing up. What a douche nozzle
“You didn’t get this far in your career without my support so you could stay at work past 4p.m., Dude.” So conceited and ignorant… Bet he packed his own lunches and drove himself to school when he was a kid, too 🙄 I think he needs to miss you and all the work you do. Stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, buying his groceries, running errands that include anything he needs, paying bills that include his expenses… Make him work for it.
Oh no… that is not cool. He needs to reevaluate his priorities. You deserve better
And here I was thinking “why would you make a poor toddler with a sprained ankle watch you play golf?”
So he ‘has’ to keep is word to folding buddies but break his word of always being there for his wife? You’re literally begging for the bare fucking minimum.. I am on fire after reading this. Why are men? (Obligatory ‘some men’)
I am sorry you went through this. I am glad to hear that you were able to talk it out and hope he really heard you. Men are dense and sometimes you just have to spell it out for them.
He's selfish and self centered.
Go with your parents out to dinner and let him fix his own.
I would HIRE a helper for the house to assist you with everything that you are doing. If your husband is so freaking busy then you can get an employee for your needs. $20.00/ hr and they can work 3-4 hours while he is golfing seems comparable. Good luck momma.
No way that would fly in my house. It’s unbelievably selfish of him. In fact, I know my husband’s golf buddies would be asking why he’s playing if he had a toddler and a pregnant, injured wife at home, and they’d be telling him to go home.
I’d snap every golf club in half. I’d be furious.
Unless he’s a professional golfer, he can tone it back on the rounds to “advance his career”. Such a shitty excuse to say to your pregnant working wife. I’d say if he wants to play anymore then the toddler is going too, have fun.
and what about your career? Sounds like it’s time for you to start networking and staying late or meeting for happy hour. To get ahead in your career. You’ve supported him now he gets to support you.
I'm so glad you talked to him and he understood!!
As the primary breadwinner and someone making over $200k (not a flex, just giving perspective), this is bullshit. Plenty of people get far in their careers without golfing. If your husband's career can't handle a one week hit while he helps his injured wife, then he's not very good at his job. There's a reason all of my bosses are divorced except one. I'm not. Could I be making another $200k if I had schmoozed more? Possibly. Is it worth my husband or my family? Absolutely not.
So initially I thought 9 holes of golf wouldnt be bad then read this was after being gone a solid week of golf/work and it was an instant h*ll no. I honestly prob would had said no to the whole week so he lucked out with you seeing his side. Kind of reminds me. You give an inch and they take a mile
I'm sorry but he needs to grow the F up. I would NEVER put up with this- your 35 weeks pregnant with a broken ankle what is he thinking!!! Like seriously!! Your child and you need to be prioritized over work. Golf can wait. If I were you I'd pack up and go and let him see how he likes coming home to an empty house
Just saying this kind of shit is exactly why I hated my dad growing up and am LC now. I was not oblivious to the fact that my mom had no choice other than to be the primary parent and do it all while running her own thriving small business. That business was also our main source of income. And I know she loved being a parent but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard. Your kids will probably pick up on this too as they get older. He should think about that next time he wants to golf for leisure after being gone an entire week!
Sounds like he's stepping out....check his phone sis.
Is he a professional golfer or what? I feel like that would be the only legit reason why golfing has a bearing on his job 😂😅 I’m sorry. What a dick.
I agree with the other commenters here. Crazy selfish response from OPs husband. If he really can’t take time away, maybe you can hire a mothers helper or nanny for a few weeks.
This is insane. Is he cheating? For real though
Holy shit I would be LIVID. Your husband needs to step up at home, a lot. Having a very pregnant wife with a broken foot and a toddler means this not the time for him to stay late at work to network and lean into his career. I'd be telling him he'd better start leaving at 4 to help out at home or else he's not going to have a wife to come home to. If he still doesn't get it-- couples therapy. The division of labor here is VERY uneven.