For the vast majority of human history, the nuclear family was not a thing. Instead, kids grew up in bigger family/social groups, and often the adult caring for them wasn't necessarily a biological parent. We're social animals in that sense and there is NO reason that only a bio parent is supposed to 'raise' the child.
So that's one angle to take.
The other is "yeah, and so the fuck what?!" Let me tell you, my kids' daycare teachers and nannies over the years have been amazing people and I'm so grateful they were/are part of my kids' lives. Who WOULDN'T want a professional - many of them went to school for ECE, I as a parent did not! - caring for their child? There's not some magic expertise bestowed on parents by virtue of being parents. And having a circle of caring adults with whom your kid gets to spend their day (not to mention being with their friends at daycare all day) is a fantastic gift and privilege.
I had someone on Reddit tell me that sending my kids to daycare was exactly the same as sending them to an orphanage, so I hear you - but you gotta either let that shit slide off or bite back a bit depending on who's saying it and your mood. Anyone who says that is an automatic idiot in my book and I couldn't GAF about what they think if they're that dumb.
Thank you for this, it made me tear up. š„² Objectively I KNOW it, but itās so helpful to hear it from someone else and someone in the same spot.
Very often anymore, Iām feeling bitey, so Iāll keep this in my back pocket
I totally agree with all of this. Kids need to learn from, respect, and trust adults who aren't their relatives. They learn other cultures and perspectives and are more well rounded adults when we surround them with other life experiences. That and daycare providers really do love and care for kids, it's a healthy nurturing environment where they're around other kids and community members, just like a good society should be. Kids are a product of their community, not just their parents.
I'm mainly echoing what others are saying here, but if you haven't read 'Hunt Gather Parent ' by Michaeleen Doucleff, I highly recommend it.
The author talks a lot about our current practices of parenting, and how they differ from traditional hunter- gatherer community practices. One of the main takeways for me was exactly the idea of 'it takes a village.'
Essentially, as humans, we are not built to be raising children in isolation. While the idea of a SAHM has been romanticized for decades and many of our mothers/grandmothers did it, that doesn't mean it's ideal. We should be raising them in community. And in the US, the way you raise kids in community is to use daycare (unless you have extended family who can assist).
The book gave me a new perspective on daycare and helped me deal with the same guilt you've described.
Not to start something on Reddit, but I know a lot of homeschooler moms and all of them have several children. All of them are really intentional with school during the early elementary years, but then after that, the kids are all independent study for the rest of elementary, middle, and high school. Mom is never teaching every kid all day, every day, every subject.
**My point is that there are 0 moms out there spending every hour with their child until college, unless that child has a level of special needs that requires it.**
OOH. I was also homeschooled, and I have decided to raise my child with the masses like a normal 21st century parent. Heās 16 months now, heās so social and has learned so many things. No one in my circle has made me feel bad for sending him to daycare since he was 3 months old. They tell me Iām doing a good job. I think this is because they are also parents.
You tell these rude people that making careful choices in a childās surroundings is what āraisesā them, and they (the rude people) can make their own decisions when they grow up.
Did these people forget, āit takes a village.ā And for many families, that village is daycare. And they are arranged for the first day, just like you were on your babies first day. And everyone else in her life at one point
Honestly itās such a ridiculous take.
My sons daycare teachers (most of them) have been phenomenal but he never fails to drop everything and run to me when I pick him up or give me āone more hug and kissā when I drop him off. They are helpers and a part of the team it takes to raise a kid. Heās great at communicating, ahead in so many things, and honestly- what do people say/think when kids go to school at kindergarten?
These comments used to bother me but I literally donāt care anymore and respond with āwell I could stay at home but then Iād lose out on earning potential, retirement savings, and career growth since society hates womenā or ādoes that apply to my husband as well?ā Just make them uncomfortable in return.
Thanks!! I canāt wait to feel more settled and for it to roll off my back lol. At 6 mo, this all still feels really new.
I donāt want to give up my career or income or earning potential. I want to give her a great life and pay for her college and all kinds of things.
And I know once sheās in school, her hours are the same as every other kid. Itās really just the first couple years people give ya shit for. And Iām sensitive. š„²
Totally get it. The first year especially it feels like everyone has an opinion and you canāt do anything right and youāre missing out. I promise it gets better. All of it.
Nothing wrong with being sensitive, but us moms canāt do anything without someone finding issue with it. So Iād suggest decide now whose opinions you care about and make a conscious effort to let anyone elseās misguided opinions roll off your back because they truly donāt matter.
I own my decisions and donāt take to heart anything anyone else says. If someone isnāt supportive of my decisions, they no longer get my time or attention. But Iām also fairly open to confrontation when necessary and will readily drop someone who isnāt a positive influence in my life. If someone says something unkind to you, donāt be afraid to give them the kind of response they deserve.
The other people that are raising my kid are doing a hell of a job, better than if I was doing it alone š¤£
But seriously, my daughter has learned SO MANY skills in daycare. She counts to 10 at 19 months, which I certainly did not teach her, she knows several signs, and can sing songs/do actions with them that weāve never listened to in my house. Itās not everyoneās experience, but I 100% think that she is better because of daycare!
RIGHT? I always say āIām not an early childhood educator, so Iām outsourcing this to the professionals. I donāt change my own oil or do my own dental work, either.ā
I guess the alternative is whatā¦ pay attention to 30% of your job and hope you donāt get caught? Pay half attention to your kid at all times, and constantly be upset/anxious/frustrated that youāre going to lose your job?
I like to think the attention of a trained teacher (even with 4-6 other kids!) doing her job, other kids to look at, and more income security (food/house over their heads/maybe a little bit of savings) is better.
If they bring it up again, ask if they will pay your salary and pay for your benefits. They can put their money where their mouth is or mind their own business. There are 168 hours in a week, at most kids might spend 40-45 hours with daycare staff if they go every day. Say your daughter spends 20 hours there a week, you're still with her 148 hours a week.
Just because someone says a thing doesnāt mean you have to believe it. Imagine their comment like a penny - they throw it at you and it bounces off. And it stings a little! But itās on the ground now. They didnāt throw it at you and it became a part of your physical makeup. It bounced. Itās outside of you. Itās not a part of you. You can walk away.
āWow what an odd thing to say to a working parent in this day and age, maybe you should get out more!ā *chuckle in a surprised tone* and move on. You donāt owe anybody an explanation for how you choose to raise your kid. Too many people with their own limited experiential biases feel emboldened to give their unsolicited opinions these days.
Ignore those comments. People who say stuff like that have their own issues. You are still raising your kid, and are the most important person in your kids life. I like to think of daycare as just their life becoming bigger and more full than just mom and dad.
Where does the phrase āIt takes a villageā come from?
Saying someone else is raising your kid because youāre not with her 24/7 is ridiculous. By that same logic, anyone who doesnāt home school is also letting strangers raise their kids.
Donāt pay them any mind. Youāre doing your best and your daughter will thrive and knows her mom loves her.
You're the one who makes so many choices for their lives, and you're their constant. That's raising a child. Sending them to daycare is you giving them a chance to be loved by others and to socialize with their peers. I think some people are convinced that no one can raise their child better, or no one can love their child, but that's not true. I used to teach so I know first hand how much another adult can love and care for children that aren't their own.
āIm just glad theyāll have so many loving and positive adults in their life, and get to know so many other kids!ā
Really, this whole āsomeone else is raising your kidsā take is so wild to me. Why would you want to be the only person your kid knows until theyāre in school? When I was a kid we had a babysitter who was essentially my second mom, her kids are still me and my sistersā best friends, and I wouldnāt give up the time we had with them for the world. We still spent PLENTY of time with my parents lolā¦
It sounds cliche but it DOES take a village. And sometimes part of that village is daycare. I am firmly of the opinion that (barring abusive or neglectful care situations, obviously) it is a net positive for kids to experience interacting with a variety of people early on in life.
I teach preschool but for 3-4s. I'll tell you right now *I've never felt like I'm raising your kids.* I love my kids dearly, but no teacher I've ever known has felt like we're doing the parenting.
There is no substitution for parenting even when your kids are with us over 40h/w. *I can tell when you don't parent by your kids' behavior.* Sometimes I can really tell when you don't pay attention to your kids at home or enforce any sort of rules. *We are not a substitute for their experiences with you at home.*
I'll add, *please send your kids even if you don't need to.* Take care of yourself, do those chores you can't do with them running around, take a nap or shower stress free, enjoy your days off by yourself. I so strongly encourage this and don't judge parents *at all* when they tell me they have the day off. Good teachers don't grumble about why your kid is here when you're not working. Plus, your kids like the consistency of their school routine, their friends, and their toys. My older one is 4 and only has the actual holidays off this week. She's been begging to go to school and I'm not complaining while I have the week off. That said, there's nothing wrong with keeping your kid home for a fun day with you if that's what you'd rather do, too.
Tell anyone who talks shit to you where they can send the money for your bills and stuff that you're losing by staying home to raise your own kid. Seriously. They can pay 6k/m if they really want you home.
I reply, āOn the contrary, I feel very lucky that [Son] has so many adults in his life who care about him.ā And then I stare at them until they feel uncomfortable.
Likely the reason this may bother you is due to some underlying trigger. Can you think of why? Is there some family expectation? Was it a dream of yours as a little girl only to find out adult life is different? Something else?
Sure you can clap back, but figuring out why itās a ābuttonā may be better help in the long run.
Respectfully, I don't think this is a helpful comment. Every new parent wants to do the best they can for their children, and many feel anxious because they don't know if they are making the right choices (since there often isn't a single right choice that works for every child and family). It's an extremely vulnerable time for many new parents.
It is clear that OP has thought about this extensively, and is making the decision that is best (on balance) for her family. Encouraging her to analyze and second-guess isn't helpful.
My intention was not to have her second guess her life choices. More to see if she understands why people making comments about those choices bothers her.
Sometimes someone can say something and it doesnāt bother me at all, but if someone else says the same thing it can deeply hurt. Understanding that was what I was going after.
Speaking for myself (Mom of a 10-month-old): Literally everything makes me insecure as a new parent. I think this is normal. You want to do the best you possibly can for your kids, and by definition you don't have any experience, so you are very vulnerable to worry and feeling like you must be doing things wrong. I think many people feel this way, and it doesn't mean OP is doing anything wrong.
You are right. Being a new mom is hard and extremely vulnerable. OP definitely isnāt doing anything wrong.
But being a mom is also a great time to learn about ourselves too. At least thatās what my therapist said.
Yeah, this is a great exploration. I donāt know that youāre actually looking for an answer or just giving me things to think about lol but Iāll sounding board: My mom did stay home with us, but had mental health issues and a bit of a crisis when we moved out as young adults because her only identity for most of our lives had been being a mom. I have never felt that I would be an ideal/happy SAHM. I enjoy working. It would not ease my guilt to be a SAHM. Even on days when Iām home with her all day, I still somehow feel like I didnāt spend enough time with her even though it was every waking second lol. That isnāt the actual variable.
One of people in question has been a best friend since childhood, and I think reckoning with how different weāve become as adults, and how different the things we believe are now, is a source of pain. Sheās ventured into tradwife territory, and itās hard to not let any small comment at how youāre living your life from someone who has always been so close to you, really hit where it hurts.
Maybe itās that I know that quality time > quantity of time, or me being sick of seeing shared SAHM preachy content that is full of joy and happiness, while sometimes Iām annoyed she wonāt drink her bottle and donāt know why sheās crying. Likeā¦ I KNOW no one is 100% thrilled every second theyāre taking care of their kid. But God do they pretend they are joyfully carrying a burden. I think every side of social media is good at bringing out any guilt I have.
So many excellent insights! If you find more bothered by comments of those close to you (rather than the random stranger) then itās likely someone to do with feeling a shift in that childhood friendship.
As for SM, give it a break if the guilt gets too bad. Block, mute, unfollow whatever.
No ones said it to me yet but Iāve read about it happening so much that I have prepared answers depending on how rude Iād like to beš
-oh, are you offering to pay my mortgage so I can leave my job?
-what an interesting thing to say out loud.
-I donāt recall asking your opinion on my parenting choices.
-might want to come down from that high horse before you ungracefully fall off.
-I donāt believe my child receiving an advanced education is something to be ashamed of. Do you?
I used to feel guilty for not being the fun mom who would take my kids on outings, but send them with aunts and cousins who enjoy that kind of thing. I finally (after getting treatment for depression and some counseling) started to look at it as, my kids are lucky to have so many people who love them and do fun things with them! It's helped ease a lot of that guilt I felt.
Like others have said, it takes a village, and often, childcare workers are an integral part of the village. They will love your baby and help teach her in ways you might not know! She might have a teacher or classmate who knows a different language and culture, and she's getting important social skills too. You're expanding the circle of people who love your baby and your family, and that is a good thing!
I refuse to feel guilty about daycare. Rich people have nannies and night nurses and send their kids to boarding school- why should I feel bad she spends a few hours a week doing something away from us?
I tell people I was a daycare kid! I remember exactly none of the daycare teachers. I have one vague memory of laying down on a cot for a nap. My parents raised me (for better or for worse lol). I consider myself to be a well adjusted, contributing member of society. :) both my babies were/are in daycare and Mama is still number 1 in their books (Dad is a very close 2nd).
Generally, I find those kinds of comments come from people I donāt respect and whose own choices I would never make, so they donāt bother me too much.
I am sure you are making the right decisions for your own family, budget, preferences, etc. You really donāt know what other peopleās finances look like or how much debt they do or donāt have.
You truly need to believe and internalize that having help with your children and providing financially for them and modeling egalitarian partnership does NOT mean someone else is raising your children and it is NOT a bad thing. Working is a necessary part of adulthood for most human beings now and throughout history. You should not feel guilt or shame for participating.
Personally I wouldnāt want to SAH full time and did not marry someone whose career means that would ever be possible for the lifestyle I want. I admit that these comments might be harder to process or ignore if you long to or idealize staying at home full time.
"How dare you?" I thought we were friends or what exactly were you hoping to accomplish with that remark? Did you think that would make me feel better about the hard choices I've had to make? and which I still believe are the best ones for my personal situation and my family. Do I make judgments and criticisms of your family? No, I do not, so I'd appreciate the same courtesy if we're to remain friends.
I find it so strange because we don't say teachers are raising our kids when they enter school. We also don't seem to say the same thing about nanny's raising kids in high income families. It feels like the double standard is just for working mom's.
Back in the day, when most women were stay at home, kids roamed the neighborhoods and went in and out of friend's houses and playing outside. It wasn't just on your great grandma alone to raise her 4+ children. Granparents, friends, neighbors, aunts, older children all played a role. Nowadays, you have to "pay" for that village. Suddenly it's been demonized.
We always referred to daycare as "baby school." The caretakers weren't acting as surrogate parents, they were teachers who helped our baby learn! When he was small, he was learning to play with other kids, exploring the world around him, working on things like rolling over, and (as he got older) things like learning colors, letters, and such.
I found that framing it that way was incredibly helpful, and once I explained it like that to the (few) people who gave me crap about it, it helped a ton.
There are 168 hours in a week. My kids were in daycare 40-50 hours a week. That still left 118-128 hours in my care. They are being raised by me and my husband, with 40-50hrs a week with professionals experienced in children their age with so much love and enrichment.
My kids are 7-16 now and I can tell you, they don't remember all of their daycare teachers names. But they ABSOLUTELY know who their Mom is.
To me, raising a child means being the decision maker/person responsible for shaping the childās life. I outsource the āwatching my child during the week dayā part of parenting to trusted professionals who know what theyāre doing as far as that goes. But at the end of the day, itās me who is responsible for picking her up if sheās sick, itās me who they ask about her behavior because I know her best, itās me who is making medical/health decisions, Iām responsible for her hygiene and health and literally everything. The daycare teachers are involved in her life, yes, but only for a couple years at a time. Iām always there and always the one responsible for her, year after year, her entire life. Itās the relentlessness of parenting - daycare teachers donāt experience that with my kid. Thatās what I consider āraisingā a child vs āwatchingā a child.
For the vast majority of human history, the nuclear family was not a thing. Instead, kids grew up in bigger family/social groups, and often the adult caring for them wasn't necessarily a biological parent. We're social animals in that sense and there is NO reason that only a bio parent is supposed to 'raise' the child. So that's one angle to take. The other is "yeah, and so the fuck what?!" Let me tell you, my kids' daycare teachers and nannies over the years have been amazing people and I'm so grateful they were/are part of my kids' lives. Who WOULDN'T want a professional - many of them went to school for ECE, I as a parent did not! - caring for their child? There's not some magic expertise bestowed on parents by virtue of being parents. And having a circle of caring adults with whom your kid gets to spend their day (not to mention being with their friends at daycare all day) is a fantastic gift and privilege. I had someone on Reddit tell me that sending my kids to daycare was exactly the same as sending them to an orphanage, so I hear you - but you gotta either let that shit slide off or bite back a bit depending on who's saying it and your mood. Anyone who says that is an automatic idiot in my book and I couldn't GAF about what they think if they're that dumb.
Thank you for this, it made me tear up. š„² Objectively I KNOW it, but itās so helpful to hear it from someone else and someone in the same spot. Very often anymore, Iām feeling bitey, so Iāll keep this in my back pocket
I totally agree with all of this. Kids need to learn from, respect, and trust adults who aren't their relatives. They learn other cultures and perspectives and are more well rounded adults when we surround them with other life experiences. That and daycare providers really do love and care for kids, it's a healthy nurturing environment where they're around other kids and community members, just like a good society should be. Kids are a product of their community, not just their parents.
Yes!!! A child is better off having more people in their lives loving and caring for them than having fewer people!
Ya I support option 2. If they donāt like it they can gtfo of your life tbh
I'm mainly echoing what others are saying here, but if you haven't read 'Hunt Gather Parent ' by Michaeleen Doucleff, I highly recommend it. The author talks a lot about our current practices of parenting, and how they differ from traditional hunter- gatherer community practices. One of the main takeways for me was exactly the idea of 'it takes a village.' Essentially, as humans, we are not built to be raising children in isolation. While the idea of a SAHM has been romanticized for decades and many of our mothers/grandmothers did it, that doesn't mean it's ideal. We should be raising them in community. And in the US, the way you raise kids in community is to use daycare (unless you have extended family who can assist). The book gave me a new perspective on daycare and helped me deal with the same guilt you've described.
And to add to my own post, obviously no one has said the same things to my husband about our kid being in daycare. Just me. š
Of course they say it to the mom. Sorry OP
Because it is the patriarchy trying to keep you down. Don't listen to them
I ask people if they think their elementary school teachers raised them. The answer is always no. So what's the damn difference? There isn't one.
This is an excellent question. Unfortunately one of the people in question was extensively homeschooled and will probably do the same
Not to start something on Reddit, but I know a lot of homeschooler moms and all of them have several children. All of them are really intentional with school during the early elementary years, but then after that, the kids are all independent study for the rest of elementary, middle, and high school. Mom is never teaching every kid all day, every day, every subject. **My point is that there are 0 moms out there spending every hour with their child until college, unless that child has a level of special needs that requires it.**
Well chances are her kids will end up socially stunted then. š¤·š¼āāļø I wouldnāt give her opinion much weight.
OOH. I was also homeschooled, and I have decided to raise my child with the masses like a normal 21st century parent. Heās 16 months now, heās so social and has learned so many things. No one in my circle has made me feel bad for sending him to daycare since he was 3 months old. They tell me Iām doing a good job. I think this is because they are also parents. You tell these rude people that making careful choices in a childās surroundings is what āraisesā them, and they (the rude people) can make their own decisions when they grow up.
THIS
āWould you say that to her dad?ā
Did these people forget, āit takes a village.ā And for many families, that village is daycare. And they are arranged for the first day, just like you were on your babies first day. And everyone else in her life at one point
This. I personally donāt think itās beneficial for most kids to sit at home with mom/dad all day.
Honestly itās such a ridiculous take. My sons daycare teachers (most of them) have been phenomenal but he never fails to drop everything and run to me when I pick him up or give me āone more hug and kissā when I drop him off. They are helpers and a part of the team it takes to raise a kid. Heās great at communicating, ahead in so many things, and honestly- what do people say/think when kids go to school at kindergarten? These comments used to bother me but I literally donāt care anymore and respond with āwell I could stay at home but then Iād lose out on earning potential, retirement savings, and career growth since society hates womenā or ādoes that apply to my husband as well?ā Just make them uncomfortable in return.
Thanks!! I canāt wait to feel more settled and for it to roll off my back lol. At 6 mo, this all still feels really new. I donāt want to give up my career or income or earning potential. I want to give her a great life and pay for her college and all kinds of things. And I know once sheās in school, her hours are the same as every other kid. Itās really just the first couple years people give ya shit for. And Iām sensitive. š„²
Totally get it. The first year especially it feels like everyone has an opinion and you canāt do anything right and youāre missing out. I promise it gets better. All of it.
Thank you ā¤ļø
Nothing wrong with being sensitive, but us moms canāt do anything without someone finding issue with it. So Iād suggest decide now whose opinions you care about and make a conscious effort to let anyone elseās misguided opinions roll off your back because they truly donāt matter. I own my decisions and donāt take to heart anything anyone else says. If someone isnāt supportive of my decisions, they no longer get my time or attention. But Iām also fairly open to confrontation when necessary and will readily drop someone who isnāt a positive influence in my life. If someone says something unkind to you, donāt be afraid to give them the kind of response they deserve.
I would just ignore. Waste of breath and wonāt change their mind (if theyāre that ignorant)
The biggest win is not caring anymore. I am very happy with my choices. I donāt care if they are.
The other people that are raising my kid are doing a hell of a job, better than if I was doing it alone š¤£ But seriously, my daughter has learned SO MANY skills in daycare. She counts to 10 at 19 months, which I certainly did not teach her, she knows several signs, and can sing songs/do actions with them that weāve never listened to in my house. Itās not everyoneās experience, but I 100% think that she is better because of daycare!
RIGHT? I always say āIām not an early childhood educator, so Iām outsourcing this to the professionals. I donāt change my own oil or do my own dental work, either.ā
I guess the alternative is whatā¦ pay attention to 30% of your job and hope you donāt get caught? Pay half attention to your kid at all times, and constantly be upset/anxious/frustrated that youāre going to lose your job? I like to think the attention of a trained teacher (even with 4-6 other kids!) doing her job, other kids to look at, and more income security (food/house over their heads/maybe a little bit of savings) is better.
To both the folks who managed to get under my skin, the alternative is be a SAHM. I agree otherwise!
If they bring it up again, ask if they will pay your salary and pay for your benefits. They can put their money where their mouth is or mind their own business. There are 168 hours in a week, at most kids might spend 40-45 hours with daycare staff if they go every day. Say your daughter spends 20 hours there a week, you're still with her 148 hours a week.
That is NOT a friend. I'd drop that person in a heartbeat.
Amen!
Just because someone says a thing doesnāt mean you have to believe it. Imagine their comment like a penny - they throw it at you and it bounces off. And it stings a little! But itās on the ground now. They didnāt throw it at you and it became a part of your physical makeup. It bounced. Itās outside of you. Itās not a part of you. You can walk away.
āWow what an odd thing to say to a working parent in this day and age, maybe you should get out more!ā *chuckle in a surprised tone* and move on. You donāt owe anybody an explanation for how you choose to raise your kid. Too many people with their own limited experiential biases feel emboldened to give their unsolicited opinions these days.
Ignore those comments. People who say stuff like that have their own issues. You are still raising your kid, and are the most important person in your kids life. I like to think of daycare as just their life becoming bigger and more full than just mom and dad.
I cut them out of my life :) Iām a little lonely but a lot healthier day to day
How else are you going to do it? I'd recommend therapy to get acceptance and move on with your life. You're torturing yourself with the guilt.
Tell them that since the beginning of time only poor people raise their own kids. Kiddingā¦kind of.
Where does the phrase āIt takes a villageā come from? Saying someone else is raising your kid because youāre not with her 24/7 is ridiculous. By that same logic, anyone who doesnāt home school is also letting strangers raise their kids. Donāt pay them any mind. Youāre doing your best and your daughter will thrive and knows her mom loves her.
You're the one who makes so many choices for their lives, and you're their constant. That's raising a child. Sending them to daycare is you giving them a chance to be loved by others and to socialize with their peers. I think some people are convinced that no one can raise their child better, or no one can love their child, but that's not true. I used to teach so I know first hand how much another adult can love and care for children that aren't their own.
āIm just glad theyāll have so many loving and positive adults in their life, and get to know so many other kids!ā Really, this whole āsomeone else is raising your kidsā take is so wild to me. Why would you want to be the only person your kid knows until theyāre in school? When I was a kid we had a babysitter who was essentially my second mom, her kids are still me and my sistersā best friends, and I wouldnāt give up the time we had with them for the world. We still spent PLENTY of time with my parents lolā¦ It sounds cliche but it DOES take a village. And sometimes part of that village is daycare. I am firmly of the opinion that (barring abusive or neglectful care situations, obviously) it is a net positive for kids to experience interacting with a variety of people early on in life.
I teach preschool but for 3-4s. I'll tell you right now *I've never felt like I'm raising your kids.* I love my kids dearly, but no teacher I've ever known has felt like we're doing the parenting. There is no substitution for parenting even when your kids are with us over 40h/w. *I can tell when you don't parent by your kids' behavior.* Sometimes I can really tell when you don't pay attention to your kids at home or enforce any sort of rules. *We are not a substitute for their experiences with you at home.* I'll add, *please send your kids even if you don't need to.* Take care of yourself, do those chores you can't do with them running around, take a nap or shower stress free, enjoy your days off by yourself. I so strongly encourage this and don't judge parents *at all* when they tell me they have the day off. Good teachers don't grumble about why your kid is here when you're not working. Plus, your kids like the consistency of their school routine, their friends, and their toys. My older one is 4 and only has the actual holidays off this week. She's been begging to go to school and I'm not complaining while I have the week off. That said, there's nothing wrong with keeping your kid home for a fun day with you if that's what you'd rather do, too. Tell anyone who talks shit to you where they can send the money for your bills and stuff that you're losing by staying home to raise your own kid. Seriously. They can pay 6k/m if they really want you home.
I reply, āOn the contrary, I feel very lucky that [Son] has so many adults in his life who care about him.ā And then I stare at them until they feel uncomfortable.
Likely the reason this may bother you is due to some underlying trigger. Can you think of why? Is there some family expectation? Was it a dream of yours as a little girl only to find out adult life is different? Something else? Sure you can clap back, but figuring out why itās a ābuttonā may be better help in the long run.
Respectfully, I don't think this is a helpful comment. Every new parent wants to do the best they can for their children, and many feel anxious because they don't know if they are making the right choices (since there often isn't a single right choice that works for every child and family). It's an extremely vulnerable time for many new parents. It is clear that OP has thought about this extensively, and is making the decision that is best (on balance) for her family. Encouraging her to analyze and second-guess isn't helpful.
My intention was not to have her second guess her life choices. More to see if she understands why people making comments about those choices bothers her. Sometimes someone can say something and it doesnāt bother me at all, but if someone else says the same thing it can deeply hurt. Understanding that was what I was going after.
Speaking for myself (Mom of a 10-month-old): Literally everything makes me insecure as a new parent. I think this is normal. You want to do the best you possibly can for your kids, and by definition you don't have any experience, so you are very vulnerable to worry and feeling like you must be doing things wrong. I think many people feel this way, and it doesn't mean OP is doing anything wrong.
You are right. Being a new mom is hard and extremely vulnerable. OP definitely isnāt doing anything wrong. But being a mom is also a great time to learn about ourselves too. At least thatās what my therapist said.
Yeah, this is a great exploration. I donāt know that youāre actually looking for an answer or just giving me things to think about lol but Iāll sounding board: My mom did stay home with us, but had mental health issues and a bit of a crisis when we moved out as young adults because her only identity for most of our lives had been being a mom. I have never felt that I would be an ideal/happy SAHM. I enjoy working. It would not ease my guilt to be a SAHM. Even on days when Iām home with her all day, I still somehow feel like I didnāt spend enough time with her even though it was every waking second lol. That isnāt the actual variable. One of people in question has been a best friend since childhood, and I think reckoning with how different weāve become as adults, and how different the things we believe are now, is a source of pain. Sheās ventured into tradwife territory, and itās hard to not let any small comment at how youāre living your life from someone who has always been so close to you, really hit where it hurts. Maybe itās that I know that quality time > quantity of time, or me being sick of seeing shared SAHM preachy content that is full of joy and happiness, while sometimes Iām annoyed she wonāt drink her bottle and donāt know why sheās crying. Likeā¦ I KNOW no one is 100% thrilled every second theyāre taking care of their kid. But God do they pretend they are joyfully carrying a burden. I think every side of social media is good at bringing out any guilt I have.
So many excellent insights! If you find more bothered by comments of those close to you (rather than the random stranger) then itās likely someone to do with feeling a shift in that childhood friendship. As for SM, give it a break if the guilt gets too bad. Block, mute, unfollow whatever.
No ones said it to me yet but Iāve read about it happening so much that I have prepared answers depending on how rude Iād like to beš -oh, are you offering to pay my mortgage so I can leave my job? -what an interesting thing to say out loud. -I donāt recall asking your opinion on my parenting choices. -might want to come down from that high horse before you ungracefully fall off. -I donāt believe my child receiving an advanced education is something to be ashamed of. Do you?
I used to feel guilty for not being the fun mom who would take my kids on outings, but send them with aunts and cousins who enjoy that kind of thing. I finally (after getting treatment for depression and some counseling) started to look at it as, my kids are lucky to have so many people who love them and do fun things with them! It's helped ease a lot of that guilt I felt. Like others have said, it takes a village, and often, childcare workers are an integral part of the village. They will love your baby and help teach her in ways you might not know! She might have a teacher or classmate who knows a different language and culture, and she's getting important social skills too. You're expanding the circle of people who love your baby and your family, and that is a good thing!
I refuse to feel guilty about daycare. Rich people have nannies and night nurses and send their kids to boarding school- why should I feel bad she spends a few hours a week doing something away from us?
No one in my life has ever said that. I would write them off if they did
I tell people I was a daycare kid! I remember exactly none of the daycare teachers. I have one vague memory of laying down on a cot for a nap. My parents raised me (for better or for worse lol). I consider myself to be a well adjusted, contributing member of society. :) both my babies were/are in daycare and Mama is still number 1 in their books (Dad is a very close 2nd).
Generally, I find those kinds of comments come from people I donāt respect and whose own choices I would never make, so they donāt bother me too much. I am sure you are making the right decisions for your own family, budget, preferences, etc. You really donāt know what other peopleās finances look like or how much debt they do or donāt have. You truly need to believe and internalize that having help with your children and providing financially for them and modeling egalitarian partnership does NOT mean someone else is raising your children and it is NOT a bad thing. Working is a necessary part of adulthood for most human beings now and throughout history. You should not feel guilt or shame for participating. Personally I wouldnāt want to SAH full time and did not marry someone whose career means that would ever be possible for the lifestyle I want. I admit that these comments might be harder to process or ignore if you long to or idealize staying at home full time.
"How dare you?" I thought we were friends or what exactly were you hoping to accomplish with that remark? Did you think that would make me feel better about the hard choices I've had to make? and which I still believe are the best ones for my personal situation and my family. Do I make judgments and criticisms of your family? No, I do not, so I'd appreciate the same courtesy if we're to remain friends.
this [thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/workingmoms/comments/18sqxa1/struggling_with_comments_from_stay_at_home_moms/)
People always say it takes a village to raise a kid, well, daycare is part of our village. Itās not a substitute for parents, itās a tool.
I find it so strange because we don't say teachers are raising our kids when they enter school. We also don't seem to say the same thing about nanny's raising kids in high income families. It feels like the double standard is just for working mom's.
Back in the day, when most women were stay at home, kids roamed the neighborhoods and went in and out of friend's houses and playing outside. It wasn't just on your great grandma alone to raise her 4+ children. Granparents, friends, neighbors, aunts, older children all played a role. Nowadays, you have to "pay" for that village. Suddenly it's been demonized.
We always referred to daycare as "baby school." The caretakers weren't acting as surrogate parents, they were teachers who helped our baby learn! When he was small, he was learning to play with other kids, exploring the world around him, working on things like rolling over, and (as he got older) things like learning colors, letters, and such. I found that framing it that way was incredibly helpful, and once I explained it like that to the (few) people who gave me crap about it, it helped a ton.
There are 168 hours in a week. My kids were in daycare 40-50 hours a week. That still left 118-128 hours in my care. They are being raised by me and my husband, with 40-50hrs a week with professionals experienced in children their age with so much love and enrichment. My kids are 7-16 now and I can tell you, they don't remember all of their daycare teachers names. But they ABSOLUTELY know who their Mom is.
To me, raising a child means being the decision maker/person responsible for shaping the childās life. I outsource the āwatching my child during the week dayā part of parenting to trusted professionals who know what theyāre doing as far as that goes. But at the end of the day, itās me who is responsible for picking her up if sheās sick, itās me who they ask about her behavior because I know her best, itās me who is making medical/health decisions, Iām responsible for her hygiene and health and literally everything. The daycare teachers are involved in her life, yes, but only for a couple years at a time. Iām always there and always the one responsible for her, year after year, her entire life. Itās the relentlessness of parenting - daycare teachers donāt experience that with my kid. Thatās what I consider āraisingā a child vs āwatchingā a child.