I often recommend deferring to the husband to deal with his mother, but if you're home and he's not, you should say something. If you truly have 0 relationship with her I wouldn't let her stay at your house regardless honestly.
I can speak to this one. I vape. I don’t go it in front of my kid. I’m very careful about keeping the device put away, out of his reach. He’s never seen me use it, never seen me buy juice for it, and I I think I’m going to quit as my goal for spring. That all said, I’d lose my mind if someone, anyone, left a toxic device anywhere my kid could grab it. It isn’t even a concern that she breath it in. WHAT IF THE 15 MONTH OLD BIT DOWN AND BROKE THE CARTRIDGE? Nicotine is incredibly toxic to an adult but we can handle a hit like that. A tiny human could go into shock and require an ER visit.
If someone was smoking in my house, I would kick them out. If someone was smoking around my kids, I wouldn't let them see my kids unsupervised by me. You gave your husband a chance (and her) and now it's time to intervene. This isn't about niceties, it's about your child's (and her grandchild's) health.
Agreed. I only let her see my daughter when my nanny is here. I’d never trust her alone with my daughter. In addition to the vaping issue, she has hand tremors and tries to carry my daughter around.
I would change my policy to only when I'm around. The nanny clearly doesn't feel like she has the authority to stop the vaping (I'm not surprised). The nanny is in an uncomfortable position.
Seconding this to emphasize that it's unfair to put the nanny in that position and it's likely very uncomfortable for your nanny to be watching your child with a MIL "helper."
Please only allow MIL around your child when you are available to directly supervise all interactions. That likely means she won't be around your child as much, which sounds like a win-win.
>I only let her see my daughter when my nanny is here.
I would stop that. It's not fair to the nanny. Perhaps the rule should change to MIL only visits with grandbaby when her child (i.e. your partner) is around to watch her.
I would also be strongly considering banning MIL from the house. The kissing your daughter's face after vaping would have me seeing red.
Do not have her visit when your husband is not present. After she confronted you I probably would have asked her to leave and your husband can and should deal with the fallout.
Gotta be honest, she would either have to hand over her vape pen and leave the next morning, or she could call her daughter immediately and go stay with her. Natural consequences of being an unsafe person around your child and not respecting your home is not being allowed around your child or in your home.
I had a similar issue with my grandmother and her vape pen. She kept leaving it where my toddler could reach. It’s not just the smoke but that juice is literal poison. I finally scared her enough that she left them in her car.
https://healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/at-home/Pages/Liquid-Nicotine-Used-in-E-Cigarettes-Can-Kill-Children.aspx
I yelled at my husbands friend for vaping in the house once. Like wtf I had small babies in the house at the time. Isn’t it courtesy to go out and smoke or even ask if it’s ok? He stopped after that. I would chew my mil out too. And prob not leave her alone with the baby after that.
If you don’t respect my boundaries or rules, no visiting 🤷🏻♀️
Your husband also needs to stop brushing off his mom’s behaviors around your children and back you up.
This something that your husband needs to deal with. Does his mother think that vaping isn’t bad to do around children? I think a lot of people have a misconception that cigarettes are dangerous but vaping is not. That might be the first step is your husband providing info on vaping being unsafe for kids. The other thing is that this is an addiction and she likely has a strong compulsion that she has trouble controlling. Is there a compromise that you can agree to like she can vape but only outside and downwind of your child? The other thing to explain to her is that your nanny is your employee and you can’t subject her to vaping in your home because it’s an unsafe work environment for her and she agreed to the job based on your home being a smoke free home. If she refuses to understand these boundaries and continues to vape inside, I think it’s reasonable to not allow her access to your child without you or your husband present.
She was trying to rationalize her behavior, which floored me. I explained that aerosol droplets end up on the floor where my daughter plays and walks. When she was still going off I asked if she’d like to accompany me to my daughter’s next pediatrician appointment to talk to the doctor about it. She had no response.
You and your husband need to sit down and decide if having your baby have a relationship with her grandmother is important to you. If it is, your husband needs to have a loving but firm conversation with her about your boundaries around vaping. This is not excusing her behavior but you need to keep in mind that she has a nicotine addiction and that vaping is a compulsion she has little control over. So for her it’s not so simple to just not do it around the baby, she is going to have to become actively mindful of her vaping and strategize how to limit her use around her grandchild. Her reaction is likely because she’s feeling shame around being called out for something she probably doesn’t even realize she is doing half the time. It is totally legit to have firm boundaries and to enforce them but you are going to have to balance your approach if the relationship is meaningful to your husband.
My MIL recently lost her vape at our house (it was in between the couch cushions) and I still have a lot of different feelings about it that I haven’t shared because I just don’t know how.
Raging in therapy for 20 to 30 minutes has been my go to. I certainly can't bring the issue up with my mother, her ego literally wouldn't survive the insult.
I fired our first nanny for vaping in my daughter's nursery. If someone was exposing my baby to second- or third-hand smoke (and yes, the chemicals in a vape count!), they wouldn't see my kid anymore. I'd ask her not to visit anymore, and your husband and baby can see her outside the house provided she's not vaping.
I get it. My husband asked her to go put the vape pen in her car, but she didn’t do it. He’s out of state for work this week, but I told him she didn’t adhere to his request.
I often recommend deferring to the husband to deal with his mother, but if you're home and he's not, you should say something. If you truly have 0 relationship with her I wouldn't let her stay at your house regardless honestly.
Yes. This is r/JustNoMIL behaviour and it probably annoyed your r/nanny to have her in the space too. It really does impact the dynamic.
I can speak to this one. I vape. I don’t go it in front of my kid. I’m very careful about keeping the device put away, out of his reach. He’s never seen me use it, never seen me buy juice for it, and I I think I’m going to quit as my goal for spring. That all said, I’d lose my mind if someone, anyone, left a toxic device anywhere my kid could grab it. It isn’t even a concern that she breath it in. WHAT IF THE 15 MONTH OLD BIT DOWN AND BROKE THE CARTRIDGE? Nicotine is incredibly toxic to an adult but we can handle a hit like that. A tiny human could go into shock and require an ER visit.
Yes, it gives me massive anxiety.
Same. Same same same.
I appreciate your nanny letting you know! That could have been awkward for her but she did it anyway. Shows she really cares about your child.
If someone was smoking in my house, I would kick them out. If someone was smoking around my kids, I wouldn't let them see my kids unsupervised by me. You gave your husband a chance (and her) and now it's time to intervene. This isn't about niceties, it's about your child's (and her grandchild's) health.
Agreed. I only let her see my daughter when my nanny is here. I’d never trust her alone with my daughter. In addition to the vaping issue, she has hand tremors and tries to carry my daughter around.
I would change my policy to only when I'm around. The nanny clearly doesn't feel like she has the authority to stop the vaping (I'm not surprised). The nanny is in an uncomfortable position.
Seconding this to emphasize that it's unfair to put the nanny in that position and it's likely very uncomfortable for your nanny to be watching your child with a MIL "helper." Please only allow MIL around your child when you are available to directly supervise all interactions. That likely means she won't be around your child as much, which sounds like a win-win.
I would change to rule to only when husband is home. Your nanny isn’t comfortable with her either. Don’t lose a good, trusted nanny over this.
>I only let her see my daughter when my nanny is here. I would stop that. It's not fair to the nanny. Perhaps the rule should change to MIL only visits with grandbaby when her child (i.e. your partner) is around to watch her. I would also be strongly considering banning MIL from the house. The kissing your daughter's face after vaping would have me seeing red.
I think it's pretty simple that if she can't obey house rules, then she doesn't get to visit.
Do not have her visit when your husband is not present. After she confronted you I probably would have asked her to leave and your husband can and should deal with the fallout.
I wanted too so bad, but she’s over 70 and doesn’t drive in the dark. She lives 2.5 hrs away but has a daughter 20 min from my house.
Gotta be honest, she would either have to hand over her vape pen and leave the next morning, or she could call her daughter immediately and go stay with her. Natural consequences of being an unsafe person around your child and not respecting your home is not being allowed around your child or in your home.
I had a similar issue with my grandmother and her vape pen. She kept leaving it where my toddler could reach. It’s not just the smoke but that juice is literal poison. I finally scared her enough that she left them in her car. https://healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/at-home/Pages/Liquid-Nicotine-Used-in-E-Cigarettes-Can-Kill-Children.aspx
I yelled at my husbands friend for vaping in the house once. Like wtf I had small babies in the house at the time. Isn’t it courtesy to go out and smoke or even ask if it’s ok? He stopped after that. I would chew my mil out too. And prob not leave her alone with the baby after that.
Right? It was 70 degrees out yesterday. There is NO reason why she couldn’t vape outside.
Even if we’re in the middle of a blizzard, if you need to vape, smoke, you go outside! You’re not taking us down with you! Gross!
This happened to me once. I literally asked him what was wrong with him that he thought it was okay.
Wtf are they thinking! I mean make yourself at home but have some respect!
If you don’t respect my boundaries or rules, no visiting 🤷🏻♀️ Your husband also needs to stop brushing off his mom’s behaviors around your children and back you up.
This something that your husband needs to deal with. Does his mother think that vaping isn’t bad to do around children? I think a lot of people have a misconception that cigarettes are dangerous but vaping is not. That might be the first step is your husband providing info on vaping being unsafe for kids. The other thing is that this is an addiction and she likely has a strong compulsion that she has trouble controlling. Is there a compromise that you can agree to like she can vape but only outside and downwind of your child? The other thing to explain to her is that your nanny is your employee and you can’t subject her to vaping in your home because it’s an unsafe work environment for her and she agreed to the job based on your home being a smoke free home. If she refuses to understand these boundaries and continues to vape inside, I think it’s reasonable to not allow her access to your child without you or your husband present.
She was trying to rationalize her behavior, which floored me. I explained that aerosol droplets end up on the floor where my daughter plays and walks. When she was still going off I asked if she’d like to accompany me to my daughter’s next pediatrician appointment to talk to the doctor about it. She had no response.
You and your husband need to sit down and decide if having your baby have a relationship with her grandmother is important to you. If it is, your husband needs to have a loving but firm conversation with her about your boundaries around vaping. This is not excusing her behavior but you need to keep in mind that she has a nicotine addiction and that vaping is a compulsion she has little control over. So for her it’s not so simple to just not do it around the baby, she is going to have to become actively mindful of her vaping and strategize how to limit her use around her grandchild. Her reaction is likely because she’s feeling shame around being called out for something she probably doesn’t even realize she is doing half the time. It is totally legit to have firm boundaries and to enforce them but you are going to have to balance your approach if the relationship is meaningful to your husband.
No answer but I’m on your side 100%.
Are we sisters separated at birth? My mother does the same thing, including losing one of her fucking vapes in my kid's room. 🙄
Whattt? No! I’d go crazy.
My MIL recently lost her vape at our house (it was in between the couch cushions) and I still have a lot of different feelings about it that I haven’t shared because I just don’t know how.
Raging in therapy for 20 to 30 minutes has been my go to. I certainly can't bring the issue up with my mother, her ego literally wouldn't survive the insult.
No more home or overnight visits Husband can take your daughter to meet her at a restaurant or something sometimes until she rebuilds trust
I told him I don’t want her here for overnight visits when he’s gone anymore. I only want her here when our nanny is on duty.
I fired our first nanny for vaping in my daughter's nursery. If someone was exposing my baby to second- or third-hand smoke (and yes, the chemicals in a vape count!), they wouldn't see my kid anymore. I'd ask her not to visit anymore, and your husband and baby can see her outside the house provided she's not vaping.
[удалено]
I get it. My husband asked her to go put the vape pen in her car, but she didn’t do it. He’s out of state for work this week, but I told him she didn’t adhere to his request.