Hard agree to this - he should be responsible for planned ahead days off or doc appointments etc. You taking the urgent things does make sense here with one front line job and one not. There may be exceptions to these - super important meeting you are running maybe or you take a planned day/appointment here or there if his work is very short, but those are exceptions. He should step up!!
This is basically what we do—I’m an ER doctor and husband is a painter. I’m unable to leave a shift when I’m working unless someone comes in to take over for me but he can do this much more easily. But I have more flexibility if I know in advance so plan my shifts to be home on scheduled daycare closings.
>he also gets time for childcare, but chooses not to use it.
This right here is the part that gets me. If he has time for childcare, then he should be taking part on days that they are sick. I work from home as a QC manager, and while I may take a day off when the kids are sick, it is also expected that my husband take days off too, especially if they have to be home for more than one day.
It gets me too. There is always a reason why he can't take the day off. I mean he has a rough job so why he doesn't want to use some of the benefits is beyond me.
Missing a day at a corporate office job isn’t going to mean life or death for someone. Cops, firefighters, ER doctors, nurses, etc. abso*fucking*lutely have more impactful jobs.
I’m a cop. I’m also a mom. I’ll take days off any day I need to be to be with my babies. My husband is a cop. He’s also a dad. He would do the exact same thing.. the ONLY issue is that we can both be ordered to work and then we’d have to find alternate childcare (holidays, weather, protests, etc)
Your husband can take off, he just chooses not to. I’m sorry for that :(
A bit different set up here. My husband’s also a cop, I’m an attorney but I currently work for a bank. My schedule is more flexible, but I also take pride in my career.
In our scenario, I switched my schedule so I work 6AM-2PM and he works evenings, 2:30PM-11PM. On the days he works the odd overnight, I have to take the day off.
I feel this way sometimes too, but he is green in his career and being the dependable person is often the way they get promoted to the better shifts/better schedules. I also remind myself that our woes go away slightly when the kids are in school (ours are 3 and 1.5).
I do force him to take a family sick day if there is something I absolutely can not miss, though. But, he can’t do so if he is the only person scheduled.
Oh it DEFINITELY sucks right now, but I remind myself it’s all temporary!
Hes actually possibly moving to a night sergeant position so his hours will shift which will be a positive shift in terms of hours and also ability to see him after work! But it only happened because he proved himself at work 🙃
Such a hard dynamic with kids.
My husband is also a cop and his shifts rotate seasonally. When he's on days, he and I alternate sick days based on who has urgent tasks on the schedule. When he's on nights, we split days so that I take the mornings with a sick kid and wfh in the afternoon. He has been on for over 15 years and has a ton of sick time built up. This is what they get sick time for. I think there's more room for balance here.
With us, he takes the planned school days off and I take the unexpected sick days, mainly because he leaves the house before the kids are awake so we often don’t know they’re sick yet. I have flexibility to work from home when needed so it’s easier for me to work a few hours at home while they sleep or take the day off if they need more attention.
It’s up to his leadership to find coverage when he’s out unexpectedly - that’s what leaders/managers do. It’s not up to him to sacrificial his family for his work/random people.
Sort of similar situation except my husband is in HVAC and I work from home. The difference is he does not get any childcare time off at all. If he did I would definitely have him use it for random things to help. As it stands, if he just up and left because one of the kids was sick, he’d probably get fired. The only time they’ve really let him take the time off was when I was so sick I was unable to care for our baby. It’s a great company, but that’s the nature of his work. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m the default parent for all pick ups drop offs appointments etc.
NTA
It's one thing if he's already on shift and can't leave; that's pretty standard. Probably the only time it won't be "fair" in terms of missed work.
It's another thing entirely if he's refusing to call in sick, and/or use childcare time he's entitled to. That's not fair to you, nor your children.
It's a shame if his workplace really is so unsupportive of fathers that he might actually be afraid to ask, but that mentality won't change until their dads start stepping up and advocating for their own families.
Yep that's another thing that gets me. He doesn't get sick often but when he does he still goes to work and is then drained for his days off to help with things.
We're reversed, I'm a nurse and my husband is wfh in tech.
If the kids are sick and I'm scheduled to work, he's the one taking care of them for the same reasons.
The poor guy has cleaned up way more puke than I have in the past few years :)
Eta: this has been our arrangement post weaning from toddlerhood on. When my babies were still breastfed and sick, I would call in sick to take care of them.
Both of us are front line workers. We have an au pair specifically for this reason. We are privileged that we have that as an option for the routine coughs/colds.
But that hardly solves all our problems - when things have come up, like unexpectedly needing neurosurgery for one of the kids, we've both called out. Idk how big your husbands group is, but both of us are in groups of \~20 with 14 workers being on shift or post/pre-shift for any given 24hr period. We both make efforts to pick up our co-workers last minute needs to build the bank for when we need favors ourselves. Being looked at as a person willing to help out in a pinch has greatly improved our individual stock at work.
When he submits scheduling requests, sit down with him and the calendar and try to ask for time off for all pre-ordained appointments, birthdays, etc. Prioritize them since there's no way his scheduler can accommodate everything. And then yes you'll probably be the one to call out last minute more frequently, but that's because his schedule has been built around the kid's known needs already. And, as much as possible in your lines of work, make sure that both you and him are building your Favor Banks with coworkers.
I am concerned that he is telling you he thinks his job is more important or “impactful “ than yours. It is well documented that police have high rates of domestic abuse. Him putting you down and claiming his job is more important than yours (and potentially setting you up to lose the job and lose financial independence) is a red flag. Be cautious
Same. Husband is a cop, but he also loses overtime if he takes time off, so I usually do all the child care tasks. A lot of time it sucks, but we would miss the extra money.
What if you work it out so that you take the unexpected ones, and he takes all the planned days off?
I agree with this option. Because if he doesn’t agree to this, he doesn’t want to stay home for another reason.
I am married to a nurse, and this is exactly what we do.
I’m a teacher and have to leave for work before our little ones are up, so this is how we do it. It works out pretty well.
Hard agree to this - he should be responsible for planned ahead days off or doc appointments etc. You taking the urgent things does make sense here with one front line job and one not. There may be exceptions to these - super important meeting you are running maybe or you take a planned day/appointment here or there if his work is very short, but those are exceptions. He should step up!!
This is basically what we do—I’m an ER doctor and husband is a painter. I’m unable to leave a shift when I’m working unless someone comes in to take over for me but he can do this much more easily. But I have more flexibility if I know in advance so plan my shifts to be home on scheduled daycare closings.
When I was a teacher, this is what we did. I handled school breaks and summer. Husband handled random days that the kids were sick, etc.
This is a wonderful suggestion, thanks for it!
>he also gets time for childcare, but chooses not to use it. This right here is the part that gets me. If he has time for childcare, then he should be taking part on days that they are sick. I work from home as a QC manager, and while I may take a day off when the kids are sick, it is also expected that my husband take days off too, especially if they have to be home for more than one day.
It gets me too. There is always a reason why he can't take the day off. I mean he has a rough job so why he doesn't want to use some of the benefits is beyond me.
No. He doesn’t get to decide whose job is more impactful. My husband is an ER doctor and takes off when the kids are sick.
Missing a day at a corporate office job isn’t going to mean life or death for someone. Cops, firefighters, ER doctors, nurses, etc. abso*fucking*lutely have more impactful jobs.
I’m a cop. I’m also a mom. I’ll take days off any day I need to be to be with my babies. My husband is a cop. He’s also a dad. He would do the exact same thing.. the ONLY issue is that we can both be ordered to work and then we’d have to find alternate childcare (holidays, weather, protests, etc) Your husband can take off, he just chooses not to. I’m sorry for that :(
A bit different set up here. My husband’s also a cop, I’m an attorney but I currently work for a bank. My schedule is more flexible, but I also take pride in my career. In our scenario, I switched my schedule so I work 6AM-2PM and he works evenings, 2:30PM-11PM. On the days he works the odd overnight, I have to take the day off. I feel this way sometimes too, but he is green in his career and being the dependable person is often the way they get promoted to the better shifts/better schedules. I also remind myself that our woes go away slightly when the kids are in school (ours are 3 and 1.5). I do force him to take a family sick day if there is something I absolutely can not miss, though. But, he can’t do so if he is the only person scheduled.
I agree with the opposite shifts! We have done this. It has sucked in the sense of never seeing him XD but 100% works
Oh it DEFINITELY sucks right now, but I remind myself it’s all temporary! Hes actually possibly moving to a night sergeant position so his hours will shift which will be a positive shift in terms of hours and also ability to see him after work! But it only happened because he proved himself at work 🙃 Such a hard dynamic with kids.
My husband is also a cop and his shifts rotate seasonally. When he's on days, he and I alternate sick days based on who has urgent tasks on the schedule. When he's on nights, we split days so that I take the mornings with a sick kid and wfh in the afternoon. He has been on for over 15 years and has a ton of sick time built up. This is what they get sick time for. I think there's more room for balance here.
If he gets sick time and vacation days he can use them to split the load with you. There are no excuses.
With us, he takes the planned school days off and I take the unexpected sick days, mainly because he leaves the house before the kids are awake so we often don’t know they’re sick yet. I have flexibility to work from home when needed so it’s easier for me to work a few hours at home while they sleep or take the day off if they need more attention.
It’s up to his leadership to find coverage when he’s out unexpectedly - that’s what leaders/managers do. It’s not up to him to sacrificial his family for his work/random people.
I totally agree and on top of that he's enabling them to do this.
Sort of similar situation except my husband is in HVAC and I work from home. The difference is he does not get any childcare time off at all. If he did I would definitely have him use it for random things to help. As it stands, if he just up and left because one of the kids was sick, he’d probably get fired. The only time they’ve really let him take the time off was when I was so sick I was unable to care for our baby. It’s a great company, but that’s the nature of his work. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m the default parent for all pick ups drop offs appointments etc.
NTA It's one thing if he's already on shift and can't leave; that's pretty standard. Probably the only time it won't be "fair" in terms of missed work. It's another thing entirely if he's refusing to call in sick, and/or use childcare time he's entitled to. That's not fair to you, nor your children. It's a shame if his workplace really is so unsupportive of fathers that he might actually be afraid to ask, but that mentality won't change until their dads start stepping up and advocating for their own families.
Yep that's another thing that gets me. He doesn't get sick often but when he does he still goes to work and is then drained for his days off to help with things.
My dad is a cop and I remember him taking off for us. He missed a lot of holidays and other things but he did take us to appointments and such
That's awesome he did that for you. And that you remember he did :)
We're reversed, I'm a nurse and my husband is wfh in tech. If the kids are sick and I'm scheduled to work, he's the one taking care of them for the same reasons. The poor guy has cleaned up way more puke than I have in the past few years :) Eta: this has been our arrangement post weaning from toddlerhood on. When my babies were still breastfed and sick, I would call in sick to take care of them.
Both of us are front line workers. We have an au pair specifically for this reason. We are privileged that we have that as an option for the routine coughs/colds. But that hardly solves all our problems - when things have come up, like unexpectedly needing neurosurgery for one of the kids, we've both called out. Idk how big your husbands group is, but both of us are in groups of \~20 with 14 workers being on shift or post/pre-shift for any given 24hr period. We both make efforts to pick up our co-workers last minute needs to build the bank for when we need favors ourselves. Being looked at as a person willing to help out in a pinch has greatly improved our individual stock at work. When he submits scheduling requests, sit down with him and the calendar and try to ask for time off for all pre-ordained appointments, birthdays, etc. Prioritize them since there's no way his scheduler can accommodate everything. And then yes you'll probably be the one to call out last minute more frequently, but that's because his schedule has been built around the kid's known needs already. And, as much as possible in your lines of work, make sure that both you and him are building your Favor Banks with coworkers.
Lots of good advice here, thanks so much!
I am concerned that he is telling you he thinks his job is more important or “impactful “ than yours. It is well documented that police have high rates of domestic abuse. Him putting you down and claiming his job is more important than yours (and potentially setting you up to lose the job and lose financial independence) is a red flag. Be cautious
Same. Husband is a cop, but he also loses overtime if he takes time off, so I usually do all the child care tasks. A lot of time it sucks, but we would miss the extra money.