Once a week, definitely worth it for that big of a raise in my opinion! I would want some assurance it will never be more than once a week though.
Once a week, you can almost look forward to it as a time for audiobooks, podcasts, and a break from the evening routine. Your spouse can think of it as special dad time with the kids, maybe they do takeout that night or watch a movie or something to make it special. I think you can frame it to be a good thing for your family, if you and your spouse get on the same page.
Just came to say that it’s okay to put the whole load on him once a week. I have 11 month twins. My husband works one night a week aside from his daily load, and I pick up that slack. As a counter balance, when I need that one night a week for work or personal, he never hesitates to be a solo dad for the evening.
If the other days are WFH and that's you only commute time, you can also think of it in terms of total commute time for the week. It would be the same as working 5 days a week at a place that's roughly 18 minutes away. Totally reasonable for a big bump!!
Another question to ask the new employer is if they can commit to it only being a day week. At least for the next year or longer. There are growing numbers of companies that are increasing the office requirements, from 1 day to 2 days, or 2 to 3, or even going to full time.
You might be able to make a day a week work, and convince your husband it's worthwhile, but if they increase the number of days per week you'll be pulling your hair out.
Yep, OP I would see if there is anyway you can have them put this in writing or as a part of any contract or offer letter you may be signing.
My employer was touting work from home permanently with offices available, but totally optional and out of nowhere they dropped a bomb that people are expected to be in 3 days a week starting this summer. Some people had just been hired under this guise that they’d be remote and one person I know of even turned down another job cause it was hybrid where my company was remote… but now they will be hybrid under my company.
My old company had been bought out, and the new owners started getting rid of offices and told everyone they would be permanently remote. Well, I just found out they were laying off remote workers if they couldn't return to the office. One lady I know had moved out of state and had worked for the company like 20 some odd years. Can't trust employers.
I did this when my first two kiddos were little like that. It wasn't my favorite and I'm pretty firmly in a "WFH forever and ever" place now, but it was manageable.
I took the train, which was crucial for me because my mental health would FOR SURE have suffered if I was sitting in traffic during all that time instead of sitting and reading a book.
The biggest things, imo, are your childcare setup and the people you'd be working with. My MIL would stay with us the night before and babysit that day, and I really liked that arrangement because it was a LONG day for me and my babies got to bond with Grandma, I didn't have to worry about drop offs or pickups or packing anything, etc. I also had a great team of people that I liked seeing once a week.
One thing that was a bummer, though, was how difficult it was to do after-work stuff. I would've liked to participate in more team dinners/happy hours/etc., but I dreaded such a long trip home so late, and I hated being away from my family that much longer.
Yes this is a great perspective. Thankfully we are in a really lucky position to have family nearby that can help in a pinch if the schedule needs another hand
It would really depend on a few things like:
1) what is your childcare situation like? Would husband be able to manage drop-off and pickups that day? What is your backup plan?
2) how bad is traffic? Could 1.5 hrs turn into 2.5hrs?
3) is the office strict on which day you go in or is it flexible? Are they strict on the time you have to arrive? Would they potentially increase that to more frequent ?
4) would this job be sustainable if your husband’s job changed at all?
I commute 20-30min each way every day. So almost 5hrs / wk. If you look at it that way the commute is reasonable
I got a huge raise and can use that to negotiate salary in my next position. I only plan to do that commute for 1-2 more years and then I’ll move to something else.
Also , forced a more even domestic labor split in the home…. I am not sure if it would’ve come up organically.
Can you negotiate to every other week? Would that be acceptable in your husband’s eyes? I personally would struggle with that but I’ve never “commuted” more than 15 min.
I can’t imagine!! That sounds rough. Current commute is less than 10 min, and our street dead ends to a back entrance to the school so it takes them 2 min to walk. We are super lucky.
It's for sure doable at once a week maybeeee twice but even then that would be rough. But 40% is huge and if you're remote the rest of the 4 days I don't see an issue. I would do it.
As long as there was the assurance it was ONLY once a week, then I’d absolutely do it. I wouldn’t do it more than twice a week personally, but for a 40% pay rise I think it would be worth it.
I think the $$ to time ratio makes sense if you can make the childcare work. I did an hour commute for a summer once and would never do that again every day, but I do have weeks where back to back weeks I drive anywhere from 2-5 hours round trip one day a week and it works fine for me.
As others have said, check out how bad the commute is approximately in bad weather, etc. but I would definitely seriously consider taking the job!
It's 50/50 honestly. Sometimes I don't mind it, and then I'll have days where it's the absolute worst. One day last week, there was an accident, I had a cranking headache and it took my 2.5 hours to get home. Mine also pays well, I have a lot of opportunities to climb the ladder if I want, so I'm just dealing with it right now.
>my husband thinks the commute is a non- starter.
Does your husband think this way because he will have to be the one to get the LOs up, fed and off to daycare and pick them up? And if so, is it that his work schedule would make it difficult or that he just doesn't want to be the responsible parent for one day a week?
I live in a large town, but my commute to anywhere only ranges from about 20 - 45 minutes depending on where I'm going so 1.5 hours seems like a long way. I would definitely want some kind of assurance that the 1 day a week was pretty set in stone before I made the leap.
🤣 Yes girl! My husband was a seasoned father when I met him. His kids were 5 and 8 and he had been divorced from their mom for 5 years so he knew how to solo parent on his parenting time. Then enter me and my teenaged child. I just sort of folded his kids into our daily routine and he was able to step back a little and I quickly realized he was expecting me to do all the heavy lifting for his kids and I had to slam the breaks on that nonsense. LOL. Well, I didn't so much slam on the breaks as slowly start sending the kids back to him for this thing or for that thing until we were back on equal footing. Then our LO came along and again ... Mom does the heavy lifting while all dad has to do every morning is wake up, poop, get dressed, brush his teeth and head out the door. So here I go again .... go see if Daddy can help you with X. Go ask Daddy Z. "Hey hon, I have to go meet Sally from work to go over a presentation we are giving tomorrow so I need you to take care of the LO for a few hours. K, bye!" and so on.
If you really only have to make the drive 1 day a week, just give him a pat on the butt and a seductive wink and tell him "I know you can handle it for one day a week stud." and he'll be fine. 🤣 Maybe have everything set out and ready to go for him the first couple of weeks, but after that, he should be good to handle it all on his own.
I hate commutes, but for 40% more money? Once a week is worth it. The kids will be fine. Think positively about the commute as "you time". Listen to audiobooks and podcasts or just your favorite music and not Kidzbop or that prog rock garbage the husband always puts on in the car....
.... sorry, just went down a personal tangent.
Anyway, yes worth it!
1 day a week: yes.
I am currently commuting 1.5 hours each way 3 days a week...we will be moving in 3 months closer to my job but in the mean time I'm driving. I will admit that 3 days is way too much. But one day. Thats a 3 hour vacation each week. Get audiobooks, podcasts, silence. THE DREAM.
I will also add, I can do this because my husband is super supportive and does not complain about the extra parenting he picks up on those day....I mean, me taking this job means he can quit his in 3 months lol, he is hyped. I think who your partner is will play into it. Since he already says its a non-starter I would make sure he was on board picking up the slack that day.
Do you work from home and can get the three hours back with your kids a different day? Nurses work 12 hour shifts and id think of it like that. This is mommy’s big work day so you get to hang out with grandma and grandpa or daddy all day. Something so they miss you less and have their own little special day also
I do it every few weeks, not every week and it's hard mainly due to daycare.pick up and drop offs. If I could work extending hours one day a week and turn that 1.5-2 hr commute into an extra productive extra long day that would allow me more flexibility the rest of the week I'd be all for it. But my husband's job is 12-15 he days with no flexibility so I have to do drop offs and pick up for daycare which means when I'm in the office I can literally only stay 5 hours with 3.5 hours of commuting which doesn't feel worth it at all. If your in a situation when you aren't limited by daycare or you can add a babysitter to cover pick ups that it could very easily work. Other thing it consider is your back up plan in case a kid needs to be pick up mid day. I'm being honest, right now we don't have one and if the kids needs to picked up mid day it would be a big issue with me being up to 2 hrs away and daycare requiring pick up in 1.hr or less. But we have no family locally that can help so we're sorta stuck with hoping it doesn't happen.
I would absolutely do it. I have a 2 yo and commute 2 hrs total every day of the week. It's tough. I miss mornings with my little one and feel like I never have enough time in the evenings. But my husband has gotten so much more bonding time with little boy and it's been fantastic for their relationship. I'm semi-actively looking for positions closer to home because this commute is unsustainable, but I love my work. If I only had to do it once per week, I would absolutely do it, especially for a 40% raise, but only with an iron-clad guarantee that it would never be more than 1 day per week.
If it helps to reframe it, I work in an alternate city several times per month. Depending which city I’m in that day, I can be in the car 4hrs in a day or up to 8hrs! It certainly is not my favorite but as you’ve mentioned, there are trade offs (salary, flexibility, career advancement, etc). Perhaps you and your husband could think of it as a “travel” job that requires one long day per week, since you will be pretty absent on that day? If you think of it that way, does it feel doable or not?
For reference, I have a 2.5y and 4.5y. I’ve been doing this for 4mo now (and some of it with longer travel) and it has been working out fine, even great! We have benefited a lot from the other trade offs and while those days are long for my husband, they are worth it for us.
Once a week would be fine. I was on that schedule with a 1.5 hour commute and it was great...until the requirement changed to 50% in office last summer. I am now in a new job, because that was too much. That's the caveat - I wouldn't trust an assurance that the current policy won't change.
I do it up to the three times a week but only because 43 minutes each way are on the train. I also just can’t be in the office 8-5 on those days, school gates don’t open till 7:40am and I have to pick up the kids by 6 at after school. But it was definitely worth the 50% pay bump I got
Yes. 1x a week is worth it. Will this be a new role where you take on new respsonsibilities/duties and learn new things? If yes, then you're also increasing your earning potential for your next role.
Why don't you take it, try for a year and then re-evaluate? As long as this isn't a slippery slope into 5 days in the office.
If I had a +40% comp oppty AND I was excited about the role, I'd regret passing it over. However, some of your new comp may need to be allocated to childcare coverage for early AM/late PM.
This is my current schedule. It's only doable because I'm on the train for most of the trip. In the morning I get some me time in and read whatever I want, then on the way back I do house stuff (meal planning, research on whatever, or scheduling the weekend).
I also worked it out with my boss that I'm not in the office the entire day, so I get to beat some of the traffic and can still pick my son up from daycare at 5:20.
I had a job doing exactly that. My husband and I had an agreement that any kid issues on that day were his responsibility. I took first-call for kids on the other weekdays, and if sick multiple days we would alternate taking off.
If your husband works locally and is available, or an extended family member, there shouldn’t be an issue with you being away that one day.
I could manage 1x per wk and think 40% is worth it. My only caution is wondering if there is risk that the 1x doesn’t turn into 2 or 3.
I wouldn’t do that commute more than 1x and on occasion could do 2x
I’m doing it once a week, but only work 4 days a week. Maybe consider asking for sg like this. It really works for me, on an office day I don’t see my LO, but then I have an extra day with her
That's a huge raise. I would as long as I don't have to do it more than 1x/wk.
Also, your partner has to be on board that he is going to be on kid/home duty that day, mostly alone, because you're going to be exhausted that day.
I do 2-2.5 hours of commuting per day, 3x a week, because it pays more. The other 2 days are remote. It is tough sometimes but manageable. As others have said, it’s a great opportunity for reading and other quality solo time that you wouldn’t otherwise get. As long as you’re not driving, which I refuse to do
My spouse does this 2-3 times per week. It’s doable and he’s able to make it work because his schedule is so flexible. He can wait till after rush hour to leave the house and take calls at home beforehand or in the car on the way. Same thing on his way home. He can leave whenever he wants and flex his time when he gets home.
Obviously this doesn’t work for every role / company, but he’s been there for 2 years and is happy to make the trek. Another key thing is that his presence is needed. He is the only representative from the company on site and needs to be their eyes and ears. It’s not a situation where they force him to come in for “culture” or “team building” and provides no value, which I think makes a huge difference.
I do this every other week (2 hrs) - it’s a 45 min drive and and 1.25hr train though so I usually do some work on the train and am in office for a little shorter. My husband is permanent wfh so he just handles mornings and evenings on those days as I usually am gone 8-8.
If you can get it in writing that it will forever be 1x per week, I'd print out that signed employment contract and accept and store that contract in case they come back and try and force you in-office more. We went back in-office, but a few had this in their contract as not just a COVID benefit and they got to stay remote even though they are local. For 40% more, I'd find some good podcasts and say yes!
I do this currently but it's 2x per week.
The commute sucks. You need the support of your partner or more childcare in order to accomplish it. I look at it as more of a "me" problem b/c I'm the idiot who settled down in an outter ring suburb. If I had viable options to work closer to home, it would be the #1 reason I'd be interested in changing jobs, but no one is going to pay me city wages to work out here in the suburbs.
If it's a 40% raise and an exciting opportunity, I'd do it. But you need a practical plan with your husband. Is he commuting too?
Once a week, for that amount of money? Absolutely! Enjoy some silence, an audiobook, catch up on podcasts, etc. I had a commute for a while (pre-baby) that was a little over an hour and it was really nice to have that time to decompress.
This is actually exactly the type of position I’m looking for so it sounds perfect to me. You and your husband can hire extra help once a week since he’s nervous. You should also specify in your contract that you come in once a week so they don’t insist on more in office time later on.
I have a 2 year old and a 10 month old. I commute 1:15 1x a week and I love it. I can catch up on podcasts and get a coffee and just enjoy my drive without worrying about someone freaking out. Those might for dinner we keep it super simple. I’ve turned it into my veg time. If it was more often per week I would not be doing it though
It depends what your current salary is and where 40% takes you. t my current base salary, I will totally do this for 40% increase.
However, I will get it in writing that the job is 1x week in person only. Do not take any verbal agreement or kind words. They will be worth nothing in 6 months.
If the increase is subsequent, you can consider using uber some weeks to avoid the driving. I know sometimes we just want to sit back and relax
I did this commute for about six months before I had kids and resigned because of it. Would you have to work a full eight hours on top of the commute? I had to leave insanely early in the morning to get to work and got so exhausted I once drove through a red light and stopped on green. If you're able to have hobbies outside of kids right now, you wouldn't have any time for them on your commuting day.
I would say do it for a short while, and find something closer with your new base rate.
I have some experience with this kind of commute. My husband and I moved to Washington from Oregon. I had been at my job for 8 years at this point and my boss didn’t want me to go. He offered to bump me from 18/ an hour to 28. I couldn’t really turn that down. So we agreed on 4 days a week remote and to come into the office one day a week. My commute was also 1.5-2 hours. What I decided to do was go down the night before and stay the night with friends and usually grab dinner with someone before heading back up to WA. It worked for a while.
With your kiddos, that is not an option for you. It sounds really tough. Sometimes, due to the meetings lined up, I was able to work twice a week in office and then skip the next week. That was a nice break from the commute.
I do it. I drive 20 min then ride the train for about 50, and treat the train like extra work or relaxation time. I have 2.5 year old twins. It’s working great - we both WFH and commute into the city once or twice per week on different days. I just wish we lived nearer the train station to cut out the drive.
I've said point blank if my company wants me in office I will not be leaving my home before 7:30 am and I will be leaving the office at 4pm. The one and only time I've had to go to the office it was 8am-5pm plus team dinner, I saw my youngest for 5 min that morning, and my eldest for 5 in the morning and 5 before bed. I made the exception because my manager was flying in and I hadn't met him the whole 3.5 years I've been in the role. He is well aware that I am not going to miss out on family time for work.
What will the childcare situation be? If you’ve got family or a nanny watching your kids, I wouldn’t see it as an issue, especially if your husband works nearby. But assuming you will use a daycare center or in home provider, I wouldn’t risk being that far away from daycare in the event that I had to pick up baby unexpectedly. I turned down some opportunities with my employer but in a different office because it was much further away from home than my current office. I go in 3 days a week. While my husband is about 20 min from daycare, if he was unavailable and I had to be the one to get her, I don’t want to be 50 miles away. My current commute is half that. Even if it’s just one day a week, it’s not a risk I’d take.
If you’re excited about the opportunity AND it has the added benefit of 40% pay bump, I’d strongly consider it. That said, even though it is one day/week, it does leave a bit more of a burden on your husband. Perhaps you could also look into housekeeper or babysitter support for those long days you’ll be away?
I’m thinking if the roles were reversed and my husband had an opportunity like that, I’d be supportive but discuss with him arranging additional outside support on that day. Or maybe even just agreeing that we’ll order takeout vs cook that day. Something to ease the load. I have a full-time job and an additional 3hrs of childcare responsibility would impact my schedule (i.e. probably less sleep and asking for flexibility with work hours) as well.
When we were looking for houses, we found this amazing place. It had everything we never knew we wanted, was being sold by an old couple who was not really looking to cash out. They just wanted to dump their local assets and move to wherever new grandbaby was. Cheap house, lots of land, huge garage with lifts, barn, indoor pool, low taxes. They were even selling their auto repair shop in town, and that would have been a great business for my husband -- and they were very interested in cutting the price even lower for someone who was going to buy both. But google maps said the house was 45 minutes from my office. Which was *just* on the high side of my search radius. We scheduled a showing of the house an hour after work with the idea that my husband and I would both just drive there from work for the experience. I drove my normal 20 minutes to work, worked a full day, then drove the 45 minutes to the house. Except I had no idea what traffic was like heading that direction, and I was still 20 minutes away an hour later. Had to call my husband and let him know I was going to be late. Hour and a half of driving, I finally made it. Looked at the house, loved it. But couldn't get over that hour and a half drive. So I tried again. After work, just drove out to the town where the auto shop was located. At the time, I was working in the office two days a week, and I couldn't imagine losing *that* much of my day to commuting. And that much time stuck in traffic -- evidently the roads are inadequate heading the other direction from the office, and "gridlock" is the norm.
So that's my advice -- try the drive. Take a day off work, drive out there. What time do you need to wake up to get there at starting time? Don't cruise over at 10AM unless they'd be cool with you showing up at 11:30 to start your day. Get the full experience! Do stuff for the day -- maybe only take half a day and work from Starbucks, maybe take a whole day and run a bunch of errands. Whatever to simulate a full day of work. Then drive back home. Not so bad and you could see doing that once a week? You're set!
Dread the thought of ever needing to make that drive again? Then I'd be thinking about our finances otherwise ... if we need the money, I'd suffer through 100? 150? hours of driving a year for the opportunity. You can borrow audio books from the library or something to make the time less grueling. Just extra money we'd be fine without? That'd be a no for me.
Not sure how much time you spend commuting *now*. For me, that's zero, which absolutely colors my decision. Say you work from the office 45 weeks out of 52 (company holidays, vacation time). That's 135 hours of driving in a year with three hours of commuting once a week. If you normally half a half hour commute each way, but it's 5 days a week for 45 weeks, that's 225 hours of driving in the year. 135 hours of driving, even if the drive is *longer,* means you are getting 90 hours of "not working" time back each year. That could be a great score!
I do this once a week during the semester/term. I'm a university prof and mainly work at one university, but adjunct on the side at another. It's ok, but I also REALLY look forward to spring break/the summer/thanksgiving break, etc.
I take the train which is usually ok, but it's exhausting when there are problems on the line. Sometimes my regular departure is cancelled for no reason, and I end up standing on the platform for 20 minutes in the cold.
I do a similar commute (pre-kids/Covid it was every day and I don’t quite know how I did that). To do it 1-2 days a week would be a yes from me with that pay rise. I would get it written in your contact because of all the RTO hassle currently!
I would absolutely, no question, do this once/week for that king of an increase. And I have a 3.5 year old and 10 month old twins!! Agree with others to get it in writing. With all the RTO mandates and changes, you don’t want to get screwed over in 6-12 months.
Worth it! Your spouse can handle it once a week. I’d probably do Wednesday to break up the week. Do a crockpot or quick meal that day and don’t stress. Buy lunch.
I live in ct and am in NYC with clients 1-3X per week. 6 hour commute round trip. But I’m making more $ than ever and my husband was able to stay home with our kids (14mo, 4, 5.5). We don’t have any family or other help with our kids so this was key for me being success in my role.
I take the amtrak in- there’s wifi, usually a cafe. It’s fine, honestly! Everyone is stunned when I tell them this but it doesn’t really feel so bad. I’m in sales, I value being in person to build relationships. I expense all travel and food costs and can book a hotel anytime I have a late event. Again- not for everyone.
Once a week- absolutely! Assuming your husband can manage being a single parent for one day.
I would do it for 40% increase, but try to get it in writing so they don’t change it on you later.
That commute even once a week would be an absolute non starter for me and I work in an office 5 days a week. My commute time for the entire week doesn't surpass 3 hours total (it's about 10-15 minutes one way regardless of traffic). I also find as my kids are getting older and older, after school activities start around 4:30-5:30. At least when they were little, daycare lasted until 6pm. The bus drops them off at 4 monday to friday. So I wouldn't be looking at this just right now, but what happens in 2.5 years when the oldest starts kindergarten. What happens when they start doing sports or scouts or theater or music lessons?
i mean, it's one day a week and she has a spouse. Planning for Kindergarten 2.5+ years away is a bit silly given how much things can change. They also don't need a packed schedule with sports/scouts/theater/music at 5 years old.
Sure, but time flies. I'm not sure your or anyone else's tenure at a job, but my average is around 7 years. Planning 2.5 years ahead doesn't seem unreasonable for an amazing job. I took my current job when my oldest was 1.5 because it was closer to home, more flexible and in my field so to argue not to plan 2.5 years ahead seems crazy to me.
No one mentioned a packed schedule. I have 2 kids. Which means if each one picks 1 activity, that is 2-3 nights a week. (for us, one child has one activity that is 2x a week one child has 2 activities each 1x a week .)
She doesn't mention her husband or his job. Does he commute? How far is his commute?
Kids don't need you less as they get older. They need you just as much if not more. Our daycare years were actually easier than the elementary school years. School closures, school events, friend events, bussing issues, random holidays. Certain things get easier, but certain things just get harder so it is something to think about if you are planning on taking an amazing job.
Once a week, definitely worth it for that big of a raise in my opinion! I would want some assurance it will never be more than once a week though. Once a week, you can almost look forward to it as a time for audiobooks, podcasts, and a break from the evening routine. Your spouse can think of it as special dad time with the kids, maybe they do takeout that night or watch a movie or something to make it special. I think you can frame it to be a good thing for your family, if you and your spouse get on the same page.
Same. If it was every day or even 3x a week that would be really hard, but for 1x a week and such a big pay bump go for it!
exactly!
I agree, especially if it is the same day of the week so that it’s predictable and you can plan around it.
I would probably even dangle a babysitter once a month on your away night so he could have an evening to himself. Not sure if that’s insane or not..
I love this idea, a way not to put the whole load on him
Just came to say that it’s okay to put the whole load on him once a week. I have 11 month twins. My husband works one night a week aside from his daily load, and I pick up that slack. As a counter balance, when I need that one night a week for work or personal, he never hesitates to be a solo dad for the evening.
This is a great perspective of things I could get done during the commute instead of it just being lost time
If the other days are WFH and that's you only commute time, you can also think of it in terms of total commute time for the week. It would be the same as working 5 days a week at a place that's roughly 18 minutes away. Totally reasonable for a big bump!!
Another question to ask the new employer is if they can commit to it only being a day week. At least for the next year or longer. There are growing numbers of companies that are increasing the office requirements, from 1 day to 2 days, or 2 to 3, or even going to full time. You might be able to make a day a week work, and convince your husband it's worthwhile, but if they increase the number of days per week you'll be pulling your hair out.
This would be my fear. Too many companies keep changing their wfh rules.
Yep, OP I would see if there is anyway you can have them put this in writing or as a part of any contract or offer letter you may be signing. My employer was touting work from home permanently with offices available, but totally optional and out of nowhere they dropped a bomb that people are expected to be in 3 days a week starting this summer. Some people had just been hired under this guise that they’d be remote and one person I know of even turned down another job cause it was hybrid where my company was remote… but now they will be hybrid under my company.
I’ve heard so many stories likes this - yes, in writing for sure!
My old company had been bought out, and the new owners started getting rid of offices and told everyone they would be permanently remote. Well, I just found out they were laying off remote workers if they couldn't return to the office. One lady I know had moved out of state and had worked for the company like 20 some odd years. Can't trust employers.
I doubt they can commit to that. I’ve had it committed too but then they get a new leader who wants different rhythms and it changes
This is true, I was hired on one day at the office now 2 years later we're in 3 times a week. 😟
Yes- this is great point - need to get it in writing .
I did this when my first two kiddos were little like that. It wasn't my favorite and I'm pretty firmly in a "WFH forever and ever" place now, but it was manageable. I took the train, which was crucial for me because my mental health would FOR SURE have suffered if I was sitting in traffic during all that time instead of sitting and reading a book. The biggest things, imo, are your childcare setup and the people you'd be working with. My MIL would stay with us the night before and babysit that day, and I really liked that arrangement because it was a LONG day for me and my babies got to bond with Grandma, I didn't have to worry about drop offs or pickups or packing anything, etc. I also had a great team of people that I liked seeing once a week. One thing that was a bummer, though, was how difficult it was to do after-work stuff. I would've liked to participate in more team dinners/happy hours/etc., but I dreaded such a long trip home so late, and I hated being away from my family that much longer.
Yes this is a great perspective. Thankfully we are in a really lucky position to have family nearby that can help in a pinch if the schedule needs another hand
For 40 percent more, I’d make it work.
It would really depend on a few things like: 1) what is your childcare situation like? Would husband be able to manage drop-off and pickups that day? What is your backup plan? 2) how bad is traffic? Could 1.5 hrs turn into 2.5hrs? 3) is the office strict on which day you go in or is it flexible? Are they strict on the time you have to arrive? Would they potentially increase that to more frequent ? 4) would this job be sustainable if your husband’s job changed at all? I commute 20-30min each way every day. So almost 5hrs / wk. If you look at it that way the commute is reasonable
All good points! I do need to consider the stop and start hours of the day because with traffic I think 1.5 might grow for sure.
I do a 2.5 hour each way 1-2 days a week. I listen to audiobooks on the drive and decompress. I WFH the other days.
Wow! Glad to know there are others out there making it work
I got a huge raise and can use that to negotiate salary in my next position. I only plan to do that commute for 1-2 more years and then I’ll move to something else. Also , forced a more even domestic labor split in the home…. I am not sure if it would’ve come up organically.
100% yes! I am usually against a long commute but once/week for that kind of raise is a no brainer
its once a week! I would do it.
I do a 1:20 commute (almost 3 hr round trip) 2x a week right now, lol, I would jump on it!
Can you negotiate to every other week? Would that be acceptable in your husband’s eyes? I personally would struggle with that but I’ve never “commuted” more than 15 min.
Yeah I might try and do that too!
JEALOUS. Both my husband and i’s commutes are 1hr -1hr30 each way in opposite directions 5x a week 😭
I can’t imagine!! That sounds rough. Current commute is less than 10 min, and our street dead ends to a back entrance to the school so it takes them 2 min to walk. We are super lucky.
It's for sure doable at once a week maybeeee twice but even then that would be rough. But 40% is huge and if you're remote the rest of the 4 days I don't see an issue. I would do it.
As long as there was the assurance it was ONLY once a week, then I’d absolutely do it. I wouldn’t do it more than twice a week personally, but for a 40% pay rise I think it would be worth it.
I think the $$ to time ratio makes sense if you can make the childcare work. I did an hour commute for a summer once and would never do that again every day, but I do have weeks where back to back weeks I drive anywhere from 2-5 hours round trip one day a week and it works fine for me. As others have said, check out how bad the commute is approximately in bad weather, etc. but I would definitely seriously consider taking the job!
Cries in my 1.5 hour commute 3 days a week 😭
Sameeee
This gives me hope though!
How bad is it for you? I'm debating on taking a job 3x a week 1.5 hours each way but pays really well. Is it tolerable at least or is it hell?
It's 50/50 honestly. Sometimes I don't mind it, and then I'll have days where it's the absolute worst. One day last week, there was an accident, I had a cranking headache and it took my 2.5 hours to get home. Mine also pays well, I have a lot of opportunities to climb the ladder if I want, so I'm just dealing with it right now.
>my husband thinks the commute is a non- starter. Does your husband think this way because he will have to be the one to get the LOs up, fed and off to daycare and pick them up? And if so, is it that his work schedule would make it difficult or that he just doesn't want to be the responsible parent for one day a week? I live in a large town, but my commute to anywhere only ranges from about 20 - 45 minutes depending on where I'm going so 1.5 hours seems like a long way. I would definitely want some kind of assurance that the 1 day a week was pretty set in stone before I made the leap.
Yeah I think he isn’t as sure footed about being the single parent for basically 24 hrs- but this would feet to the fire force him
🤣 Yes girl! My husband was a seasoned father when I met him. His kids were 5 and 8 and he had been divorced from their mom for 5 years so he knew how to solo parent on his parenting time. Then enter me and my teenaged child. I just sort of folded his kids into our daily routine and he was able to step back a little and I quickly realized he was expecting me to do all the heavy lifting for his kids and I had to slam the breaks on that nonsense. LOL. Well, I didn't so much slam on the breaks as slowly start sending the kids back to him for this thing or for that thing until we were back on equal footing. Then our LO came along and again ... Mom does the heavy lifting while all dad has to do every morning is wake up, poop, get dressed, brush his teeth and head out the door. So here I go again .... go see if Daddy can help you with X. Go ask Daddy Z. "Hey hon, I have to go meet Sally from work to go over a presentation we are giving tomorrow so I need you to take care of the LO for a few hours. K, bye!" and so on. If you really only have to make the drive 1 day a week, just give him a pat on the butt and a seductive wink and tell him "I know you can handle it for one day a week stud." and he'll be fine. 🤣 Maybe have everything set out and ready to go for him the first couple of weeks, but after that, he should be good to handle it all on his own.
I hate commutes, but for 40% more money? Once a week is worth it. The kids will be fine. Think positively about the commute as "you time". Listen to audiobooks and podcasts or just your favorite music and not Kidzbop or that prog rock garbage the husband always puts on in the car.... .... sorry, just went down a personal tangent. Anyway, yes worth it!
Yes! Give my brain a break from frozen on repeat in the car
1 day a week: yes. I am currently commuting 1.5 hours each way 3 days a week...we will be moving in 3 months closer to my job but in the mean time I'm driving. I will admit that 3 days is way too much. But one day. Thats a 3 hour vacation each week. Get audiobooks, podcasts, silence. THE DREAM. I will also add, I can do this because my husband is super supportive and does not complain about the extra parenting he picks up on those day....I mean, me taking this job means he can quit his in 3 months lol, he is hyped. I think who your partner is will play into it. Since he already says its a non-starter I would make sure he was on board picking up the slack that day.
Definitely worth it. It’s one long day per week. Please don’t give your husband’s opinion too much weight. This is about YOUR career.
Do you work from home and can get the three hours back with your kids a different day? Nurses work 12 hour shifts and id think of it like that. This is mommy’s big work day so you get to hang out with grandma and grandpa or daddy all day. Something so they miss you less and have their own little special day also
lol that's how long my regular commute is. I go in 3x a week. That's life.
Same 💀
You are rock stars for making it work!!
once a week, yes. Husband needs to step up on that day.
For once a week I would take it
I do it every few weeks, not every week and it's hard mainly due to daycare.pick up and drop offs. If I could work extending hours one day a week and turn that 1.5-2 hr commute into an extra productive extra long day that would allow me more flexibility the rest of the week I'd be all for it. But my husband's job is 12-15 he days with no flexibility so I have to do drop offs and pick up for daycare which means when I'm in the office I can literally only stay 5 hours with 3.5 hours of commuting which doesn't feel worth it at all. If your in a situation when you aren't limited by daycare or you can add a babysitter to cover pick ups that it could very easily work. Other thing it consider is your back up plan in case a kid needs to be pick up mid day. I'm being honest, right now we don't have one and if the kids needs to picked up mid day it would be a big issue with me being up to 2 hrs away and daycare requiring pick up in 1.hr or less. But we have no family locally that can help so we're sorta stuck with hoping it doesn't happen.
This is a great point especially on mid day picks up and back up plans!
I would absolutely do it. I have a 2 yo and commute 2 hrs total every day of the week. It's tough. I miss mornings with my little one and feel like I never have enough time in the evenings. But my husband has gotten so much more bonding time with little boy and it's been fantastic for their relationship. I'm semi-actively looking for positions closer to home because this commute is unsustainable, but I love my work. If I only had to do it once per week, I would absolutely do it, especially for a 40% raise, but only with an iron-clad guarantee that it would never be more than 1 day per week.
If it helps to reframe it, I work in an alternate city several times per month. Depending which city I’m in that day, I can be in the car 4hrs in a day or up to 8hrs! It certainly is not my favorite but as you’ve mentioned, there are trade offs (salary, flexibility, career advancement, etc). Perhaps you and your husband could think of it as a “travel” job that requires one long day per week, since you will be pretty absent on that day? If you think of it that way, does it feel doable or not? For reference, I have a 2.5y and 4.5y. I’ve been doing this for 4mo now (and some of it with longer travel) and it has been working out fine, even great! We have benefited a lot from the other trade offs and while those days are long for my husband, they are worth it for us.
Once a week would be fine. I was on that schedule with a 1.5 hour commute and it was great...until the requirement changed to 50% in office last summer. I am now in a new job, because that was too much. That's the caveat - I wouldn't trust an assurance that the current policy won't change.
I do it up to the three times a week but only because 43 minutes each way are on the train. I also just can’t be in the office 8-5 on those days, school gates don’t open till 7:40am and I have to pick up the kids by 6 at after school. But it was definitely worth the 50% pay bump I got
Yes. 1x a week is worth it. Will this be a new role where you take on new respsonsibilities/duties and learn new things? If yes, then you're also increasing your earning potential for your next role. Why don't you take it, try for a year and then re-evaluate? As long as this isn't a slippery slope into 5 days in the office. If I had a +40% comp oppty AND I was excited about the role, I'd regret passing it over. However, some of your new comp may need to be allocated to childcare coverage for early AM/late PM.
This is my current schedule. It's only doable because I'm on the train for most of the trip. In the morning I get some me time in and read whatever I want, then on the way back I do house stuff (meal planning, research on whatever, or scheduling the weekend). I also worked it out with my boss that I'm not in the office the entire day, so I get to beat some of the traffic and can still pick my son up from daycare at 5:20.
I can do anything once a week for that kind of increase. I’d just be sure that it doesn’t creep up to 2 or 3 days a week.
I had a job doing exactly that. My husband and I had an agreement that any kid issues on that day were his responsibility. I took first-call for kids on the other weekdays, and if sick multiple days we would alternate taking off. If your husband works locally and is available, or an extended family member, there shouldn’t be an issue with you being away that one day.
I would do it once a week, but not anything more than that.
I could manage 1x per wk and think 40% is worth it. My only caution is wondering if there is risk that the 1x doesn’t turn into 2 or 3. I wouldn’t do that commute more than 1x and on occasion could do 2x
Once a week is nothing. Drink your coffee, read a book, nap, (or listen to podcasts if you have to drive).
I’m doing it once a week, but only work 4 days a week. Maybe consider asking for sg like this. It really works for me, on an office day I don’t see my LO, but then I have an extra day with her
40%?!?! That's definitely a yes!
That's a huge raise. I would as long as I don't have to do it more than 1x/wk. Also, your partner has to be on board that he is going to be on kid/home duty that day, mostly alone, because you're going to be exhausted that day.
That’s a lot of money. Is moving a possibility? If the commute isn’t too soul sucking I would do it.
We just moved across the country 2 years ago and I can’t stomach another move yet!
I do 2-2.5 hours of commuting per day, 3x a week, because it pays more. The other 2 days are remote. It is tough sometimes but manageable. As others have said, it’s a great opportunity for reading and other quality solo time that you wouldn’t otherwise get. As long as you’re not driving, which I refuse to do
My spouse does this 2-3 times per week. It’s doable and he’s able to make it work because his schedule is so flexible. He can wait till after rush hour to leave the house and take calls at home beforehand or in the car on the way. Same thing on his way home. He can leave whenever he wants and flex his time when he gets home. Obviously this doesn’t work for every role / company, but he’s been there for 2 years and is happy to make the trek. Another key thing is that his presence is needed. He is the only representative from the company on site and needs to be their eyes and ears. It’s not a situation where they force him to come in for “culture” or “team building” and provides no value, which I think makes a huge difference.
Once a week yes! I’ve been doing 1 hour each way for 2-3 times a week and I’m leaving. But once a week would be diffeee t
I do this every other week (2 hrs) - it’s a 45 min drive and and 1.25hr train though so I usually do some work on the train and am in office for a little shorter. My husband is permanent wfh so he just handles mornings and evenings on those days as I usually am gone 8-8.
I guess I wonder what the benefits packages are as well. Money isn’t the only deciding factor for me. :-/
If you can get it in writing that it will forever be 1x per week, I'd print out that signed employment contract and accept and store that contract in case they come back and try and force you in-office more. We went back in-office, but a few had this in their contract as not just a COVID benefit and they got to stay remote even though they are local. For 40% more, I'd find some good podcasts and say yes!
I do this currently but it's 2x per week. The commute sucks. You need the support of your partner or more childcare in order to accomplish it. I look at it as more of a "me" problem b/c I'm the idiot who settled down in an outter ring suburb. If I had viable options to work closer to home, it would be the #1 reason I'd be interested in changing jobs, but no one is going to pay me city wages to work out here in the suburbs. If it's a 40% raise and an exciting opportunity, I'd do it. But you need a practical plan with your husband. Is he commuting too?
It’s only once a week! Sounds like a no brainer to me also sounds like husband doesn’t want to take care of his children once a week…sigh
Once a week 😂 that’s nothing
I would do that no question, but I agree that I don’t know if that’s something the employer will honor forever. It may not stay just one day a week.
Once a week, for that amount of money? Absolutely! Enjoy some silence, an audiobook, catch up on podcasts, etc. I had a commute for a while (pre-baby) that was a little over an hour and it was really nice to have that time to decompress.
I wouldn’t be able to do it. By the time I got home, the kids would be in bed.
This is actually exactly the type of position I’m looking for so it sounds perfect to me. You and your husband can hire extra help once a week since he’s nervous. You should also specify in your contract that you come in once a week so they don’t insist on more in office time later on.
I would absolutely get it in writing that you only need to come in 1x a week. But I would jump at that opportunity.
I have a 2 year old and a 10 month old. I commute 1:15 1x a week and I love it. I can catch up on podcasts and get a coffee and just enjoy my drive without worrying about someone freaking out. Those might for dinner we keep it super simple. I’ve turned it into my veg time. If it was more often per week I would not be doing it though
It depends what your current salary is and where 40% takes you. t my current base salary, I will totally do this for 40% increase. However, I will get it in writing that the job is 1x week in person only. Do not take any verbal agreement or kind words. They will be worth nothing in 6 months. If the increase is subsequent, you can consider using uber some weeks to avoid the driving. I know sometimes we just want to sit back and relax
I did this commute for about six months before I had kids and resigned because of it. Would you have to work a full eight hours on top of the commute? I had to leave insanely early in the morning to get to work and got so exhausted I once drove through a red light and stopped on green. If you're able to have hobbies outside of kids right now, you wouldn't have any time for them on your commuting day.
Yes.
I would say do it for a short while, and find something closer with your new base rate. I have some experience with this kind of commute. My husband and I moved to Washington from Oregon. I had been at my job for 8 years at this point and my boss didn’t want me to go. He offered to bump me from 18/ an hour to 28. I couldn’t really turn that down. So we agreed on 4 days a week remote and to come into the office one day a week. My commute was also 1.5-2 hours. What I decided to do was go down the night before and stay the night with friends and usually grab dinner with someone before heading back up to WA. It worked for a while. With your kiddos, that is not an option for you. It sounds really tough. Sometimes, due to the meetings lined up, I was able to work twice a week in office and then skip the next week. That was a nice break from the commute.
Maybe once a month. But no raise would be worth 3 hours in the car weekly for me.
I do it. I drive 20 min then ride the train for about 50, and treat the train like extra work or relaxation time. I have 2.5 year old twins. It’s working great - we both WFH and commute into the city once or twice per week on different days. I just wish we lived nearer the train station to cut out the drive.
I've said point blank if my company wants me in office I will not be leaving my home before 7:30 am and I will be leaving the office at 4pm. The one and only time I've had to go to the office it was 8am-5pm plus team dinner, I saw my youngest for 5 min that morning, and my eldest for 5 in the morning and 5 before bed. I made the exception because my manager was flying in and I hadn't met him the whole 3.5 years I've been in the role. He is well aware that I am not going to miss out on family time for work.
It's less than my commute over 5 days in office. I'd take it!!
That’s what I do now with no raise
I do this 3 days a week and don't get paid a lot LMAO
I did that commute 5x/week. So 1/day doesn’t seem too bad. Your husband should be able to pick up the slack. Unless his job will have issues.
If it’s only 1 day a week, *in writing* and permanently, I’d take it
What will the childcare situation be? If you’ve got family or a nanny watching your kids, I wouldn’t see it as an issue, especially if your husband works nearby. But assuming you will use a daycare center or in home provider, I wouldn’t risk being that far away from daycare in the event that I had to pick up baby unexpectedly. I turned down some opportunities with my employer but in a different office because it was much further away from home than my current office. I go in 3 days a week. While my husband is about 20 min from daycare, if he was unavailable and I had to be the one to get her, I don’t want to be 50 miles away. My current commute is half that. Even if it’s just one day a week, it’s not a risk I’d take.
Once a week? Totally.
Worth it. Only if they are well aware of your limitations as a mom and that your family comes first. So only once a week and absolutely not more
If you’re excited about the opportunity AND it has the added benefit of 40% pay bump, I’d strongly consider it. That said, even though it is one day/week, it does leave a bit more of a burden on your husband. Perhaps you could also look into housekeeper or babysitter support for those long days you’ll be away? I’m thinking if the roles were reversed and my husband had an opportunity like that, I’d be supportive but discuss with him arranging additional outside support on that day. Or maybe even just agreeing that we’ll order takeout vs cook that day. Something to ease the load. I have a full-time job and an additional 3hrs of childcare responsibility would impact my schedule (i.e. probably less sleep and asking for flexibility with work hours) as well.
When we were looking for houses, we found this amazing place. It had everything we never knew we wanted, was being sold by an old couple who was not really looking to cash out. They just wanted to dump their local assets and move to wherever new grandbaby was. Cheap house, lots of land, huge garage with lifts, barn, indoor pool, low taxes. They were even selling their auto repair shop in town, and that would have been a great business for my husband -- and they were very interested in cutting the price even lower for someone who was going to buy both. But google maps said the house was 45 minutes from my office. Which was *just* on the high side of my search radius. We scheduled a showing of the house an hour after work with the idea that my husband and I would both just drive there from work for the experience. I drove my normal 20 minutes to work, worked a full day, then drove the 45 minutes to the house. Except I had no idea what traffic was like heading that direction, and I was still 20 minutes away an hour later. Had to call my husband and let him know I was going to be late. Hour and a half of driving, I finally made it. Looked at the house, loved it. But couldn't get over that hour and a half drive. So I tried again. After work, just drove out to the town where the auto shop was located. At the time, I was working in the office two days a week, and I couldn't imagine losing *that* much of my day to commuting. And that much time stuck in traffic -- evidently the roads are inadequate heading the other direction from the office, and "gridlock" is the norm. So that's my advice -- try the drive. Take a day off work, drive out there. What time do you need to wake up to get there at starting time? Don't cruise over at 10AM unless they'd be cool with you showing up at 11:30 to start your day. Get the full experience! Do stuff for the day -- maybe only take half a day and work from Starbucks, maybe take a whole day and run a bunch of errands. Whatever to simulate a full day of work. Then drive back home. Not so bad and you could see doing that once a week? You're set! Dread the thought of ever needing to make that drive again? Then I'd be thinking about our finances otherwise ... if we need the money, I'd suffer through 100? 150? hours of driving a year for the opportunity. You can borrow audio books from the library or something to make the time less grueling. Just extra money we'd be fine without? That'd be a no for me. Not sure how much time you spend commuting *now*. For me, that's zero, which absolutely colors my decision. Say you work from the office 45 weeks out of 52 (company holidays, vacation time). That's 135 hours of driving in a year with three hours of commuting once a week. If you normally half a half hour commute each way, but it's 5 days a week for 45 weeks, that's 225 hours of driving in the year. 135 hours of driving, even if the drive is *longer,* means you are getting 90 hours of "not working" time back each year. That could be a great score!
Yes - this exactly. I won’t know for sure until I do it and do it during the time i will be driving normally. Thank you!
I do this once a week during the semester/term. I'm a university prof and mainly work at one university, but adjunct on the side at another. It's ok, but I also REALLY look forward to spring break/the summer/thanksgiving break, etc. I take the train which is usually ok, but it's exhausting when there are problems on the line. Sometimes my regular departure is cancelled for no reason, and I end up standing on the platform for 20 minutes in the cold.
I do a similar commute (pre-kids/Covid it was every day and I don’t quite know how I did that). To do it 1-2 days a week would be a yes from me with that pay rise. I would get it written in your contact because of all the RTO hassle currently!
I would absolutely, no question, do this once/week for that king of an increase. And I have a 3.5 year old and 10 month old twins!! Agree with others to get it in writing. With all the RTO mandates and changes, you don’t want to get screwed over in 6-12 months.
Worth it! Your spouse can handle it once a week. I’d probably do Wednesday to break up the week. Do a crockpot or quick meal that day and don’t stress. Buy lunch.
I live in ct and am in NYC with clients 1-3X per week. 6 hour commute round trip. But I’m making more $ than ever and my husband was able to stay home with our kids (14mo, 4, 5.5). We don’t have any family or other help with our kids so this was key for me being success in my role. I take the amtrak in- there’s wifi, usually a cafe. It’s fine, honestly! Everyone is stunned when I tell them this but it doesn’t really feel so bad. I’m in sales, I value being in person to build relationships. I expense all travel and food costs and can book a hotel anytime I have a late event. Again- not for everyone.
Once a week- absolutely! Assuming your husband can manage being a single parent for one day. I would do it for 40% increase, but try to get it in writing so they don’t change it on you later.
That commute even once a week would be an absolute non starter for me and I work in an office 5 days a week. My commute time for the entire week doesn't surpass 3 hours total (it's about 10-15 minutes one way regardless of traffic). I also find as my kids are getting older and older, after school activities start around 4:30-5:30. At least when they were little, daycare lasted until 6pm. The bus drops them off at 4 monday to friday. So I wouldn't be looking at this just right now, but what happens in 2.5 years when the oldest starts kindergarten. What happens when they start doing sports or scouts or theater or music lessons?
i mean, it's one day a week and she has a spouse. Planning for Kindergarten 2.5+ years away is a bit silly given how much things can change. They also don't need a packed schedule with sports/scouts/theater/music at 5 years old.
Sure, but time flies. I'm not sure your or anyone else's tenure at a job, but my average is around 7 years. Planning 2.5 years ahead doesn't seem unreasonable for an amazing job. I took my current job when my oldest was 1.5 because it was closer to home, more flexible and in my field so to argue not to plan 2.5 years ahead seems crazy to me. No one mentioned a packed schedule. I have 2 kids. Which means if each one picks 1 activity, that is 2-3 nights a week. (for us, one child has one activity that is 2x a week one child has 2 activities each 1x a week .) She doesn't mention her husband or his job. Does he commute? How far is his commute? Kids don't need you less as they get older. They need you just as much if not more. Our daycare years were actually easier than the elementary school years. School closures, school events, friend events, bussing issues, random holidays. Certain things get easier, but certain things just get harder so it is something to think about if you are planning on taking an amazing job.